Afterlife jokes and near death experiences


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Afterlife jokes and near death experiences

  1. 1. Afterlife Jokes Happiness is holiness Three men died and were taken by God to the top of a cliff. God said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of Earth that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired. The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an eagle." Instantly he waschanged into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "Iwant to be an owl." Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into thesunset.The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock, and shouted, "Ohshit ..."Forest Gump had a near-death experience that changed him forever. He wenthorseback riding one day and everything was going fine until the horse startedbouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off.Just when things could not possibly get any worse, his foot became caught in thestirrup. When this happened, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued tobounce harder as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as he wasgiving up hope and losing consciousness ... a thoughtful K-Mart manager came outand pulled the plug.A bad person dies and is greeted by Saint Peter. Peter tells the man he mustchoose between three hells.The first hell is very hot and he sees a lot of people burning in fire. The next hell isfreezing cold and he sees people shivering and clamoring. In the third hell, he seespeople standing in shit up to their waist but they look quite happy. They aredrinking a cup of coffee and are chatting with each other. So the bad person saysto Peter, "I choose the third hell with all the people standing in shit up to theirwaist."
  2. 2. So Peter admits the bad person to the third hell. He gets a cup of coffee and feelsquite comfortable. Suddenly he hears a beep from a loud speaker that says,"Attention. Attention. Coffee break is over. Its time to stand on your head now."I recently bought one of those bracelets that has the words "What would Jesusdo?" engraved on it. So now, any time I get into a difficult situation, I can look atmy bracelet and remember to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"The next day, I was in a movie theater and some jerks cell phone goes off. Hestarts talking really loud on it and at some point I couldnt take it anymore so Iyelled at him to shut up. When he turned around and told me to shove it, I jumpedout of my chair and was ready to cave his head in. But then my bracelet caught myattention and I remembered, "What would Jesus do in this situation?"So I lit him on fire and threw him in hell.After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driverhad been awarded a higher place than he."I dont understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to mycongregation.""Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was yourcongregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?""Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from timeto time.""Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this mans taxi, they not onlystayed wake, they even prayed."Two men died and went to heaven. God greeted them, and said "Im sorry,gentlemen, but your mansions arent ready yet. Until they are, I can send you backto Earth as whatever you want to be.""Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!""No problem," replied God, and POOF! The guy was gone."And what do you want to be," God asked the other guy."Id like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
  3. 3. "Easy," replied God, and the other guy was gone.After a few months, their mansions were finished, and God sent an angel to fetchthem back. "Youll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above theGrand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"There were three men who died and before God would let them into heaven, Godgave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter."So God made him 100 times smarter.The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 timessmarter."So God made him 1000 times smarter.The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better thanboth of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter."So God made him a woman.Three buddies die in a car and go to heaven for an orientation. They are all asked,"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning over you, whatwould you like to hear them say about you?"The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of mytime, and a great family man."The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband andschool teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK, HES MOVING!!!!!"A guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven where he meets God. God says tohim, "I have looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under onecondition."The man said, "Yes, God. And what is that condition?"God says, "You must spell the word: love."
  4. 4. The man spells the word and God lets him into heaven.As the man walks in, God tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, andreminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word.After a short period of time, the mans wife shows up at the gate."What are you doing here?" he asks her."Well," she snorts, "on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and Idied.""Alright, but before you enter heaven you have to spell one word," he told her."What word is that?" she asks."Czechoslovakia," he says.The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at thegates of heaven by the gatekeeper.The gatekeeper says, "Well, Forrest, its certainly good to see you. We have hearda lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and weve beenadministering an entrance exam to everyone. The tests are fairly short, but youneed to pass before you can get into heaven."Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here. I was looking forward to this.Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shore hope the test aint too hard;life was a big enough test as it was."The gatekeeper goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest. But, the test I have has only threequestions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter "T"?Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is Gods first name?"Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day andgoes up to the gatekeeper to try to answer the exam questions.The gatekeeper waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to thinkthe questions over, tell me your answers."Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter"T"? Shucks, that ones easy; thatd be Today and Tomorrow."The gatekeepers eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! Thats not what Iwas thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didnt specify, so Ill
  5. 5. give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many seconds in ayear?""Now that ones harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and Iguess the only answer can be twelve."Astounded, the gatekeeper says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come upwith twelve seconds in a year?"Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second,March second ...""Hold it," interrupts the gatekeeper. "I see where youre going with it. And I guess Isee your point, though that wasnt quite what I had in mind. Ill give you credit forthat one too. Lets go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me Godsfirst name?"Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know Gods first name. Everybody knows it. ItsHoward.""Howard?" asks the gatekeeper. "What makes you think its Howard?"Forrest answers, "Its in the prayer.""The prayer?" asks the gatekeeper, "Which prayer?""You know, the Lords Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven,Howard be thy name ..."Three knuckleheads died in a car accident and landed in heaven together. Godaddressed the first one, "Before you are allowed to enter heaven you must answera question. What can you tell me about Easter?"The first one looked puzzled for a moment then said, "Oh, I know. Thats theholiday in the fall when you pig out on Turkey and watch football games all day.""Wrong!" said God and the first one disappeared in a puff of smoke. God turned tothe second one and asked him about Easter."Isnt that the holiday in December when you get gifts and decorate a dead tree?""Wrong!" said God and the second one disappeared in a puff of smoke.The last one looked nervous as God turned to him.
  6. 6. "What can you tell me about Easter?" God asked."Well thats the holiday that occurs in early spring. It begins on the day Jesus washung on a cross between two criminals and made to wear a crown of thorns. Hedies and they bury him in a cave and roll a rock over the entrance to seal it. On thethird day, Jesus is supposed to rise from the dead. So they roll the stone awayfrom the cave entrance and if Jesus pops his head out it means six more weeks ofwinter."A highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Shearrived in heaven where she was met by God."Welcome to heaven," said God. "Before you get settled in though, it seems wehave a problem. Strangely enough, weve never once had an executive make it thisfar and were not really sure what to do with you.""No problem God, just let me in." said the woman.God replied, "What were going to do is let you spend a day in hell and a day inheaven and then you can choose where you want to spend an eternity."God put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doorsopened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golfcourse. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all herfriends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed inevening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeksand they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at nightwent to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.She met the devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had agreat time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that beforeshe knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-byeas she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up atheaven and found God waiting for her."Now its time to spend a day in heaven," God said. So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a greattime and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and God came and got her."So, youve spent a day in hell and youve spent a day in heaven. Now you mustchoose your eternity," God said.The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought Id saythis, I mean, heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in
  7. 7. hell."So God escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back tohell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in adesolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressedin rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The devil came upto her and put his arm around her."I dont understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there wasa golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a greattime. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."The devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today yourestaff."God greeted two newcomers to heaven. One was a preacher, the other was alawyer. He ushered the preacher to a small shack and settled him in to his austerequarters; then led the lawyer to a huge, luxuriously appointed mansion."I dont understand," the lawyer puzzled. "That man was a preacher, and you gavehim a shack. And yet, youve said I am to live in this luxurious, huge mansion.Why?""Sir," said God, "Weve had lots and lots of preachers, here. But you, sir, are ourvery first LAWYER."A priest dies and goes to heaven. There, he is met by a reception committee, andafter a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreationsavailable.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the HolyScriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becominga linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every versionof the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading Version" to theoriginal script.All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him,only to find the priest huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An "R"!They left out the R."God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. Aftercollecting his wits, the priest sobs again, "Its the letter "R" ... the word wassupposed to be CELEBRATE!"
  8. 8. Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Theirentire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and theypoured over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year.They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other ifthere was baseball in heaven.One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victoryearlier in the evening. He died happy.A few nights later, his buddy, Earl, awoke to the sound of Bobs voice from beyond."Bob is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it me," Bob replied."This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?""Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want tohear first?""Tell me the good news first.""Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.""Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?""Youre pitching tomorrow night."A preacher was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden there was a cloudburst. After about one full hour of complete non-stop rain, everyone began toevacuate because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood therepreaching in the ankle-deep water.A man drives by in a car and shouts through the church doors, "Preacher, youbetter get out of there before you drown!"The preacher replied, "Dont worry. God will save me."The man then drove away.The water was now knee-deep and a man in a raft floated over to the church andsaid to the preacher, "You better get in here before you drown!"
  9. 9. Despite the second warning the preacher just stood there and replied, "Dont worry.God will save me."The man then rowed away.The water was now waist-deep and a man in a power boat came to the preacherand said, "You better get out of there before you drown!"Despite the third warning, the preacher just stood there and replied "Dont worry.God will save me." With that the man jetted away.The water was now neck-deep and a man in a helicopter came by and yelled to thepreacher, "You better get out of there before you drown!"The preacher refused to move and replied, "Dont worry. God will save me."With that the man flew away.The water then got so deep that the preacher was sucked under and died. Whenhe opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven.He then saw God and asked, "Oh God! Why didnt you save me from that horribleflood?"God then replied, "I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter! Whatelse do you want from me?"Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as ifhe would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leanedquietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen."I know you cant speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife.Shes waiting just outside."Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his messageupon the pad which he stuffed into the priests hands.Then, moments later, the man died.After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife.After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note."Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you."
  10. 10. The wife tearfully opened the note which read: "GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"Three men died in a car accident and met God in heaven."I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth you will enter heaven, butif you lie ... hell is waiting for you," God told them.To the first man God asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"The first man replied, "I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife."God replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to yourwife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation."To the second man God asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"The second man replied, "I cheated on my wife twice."God replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get afour-bedroom house and a BMW."To the third man God asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"The third man replied, "I cheated on my wife about eight times."God replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get aone-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.A couple of hours later, the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyesout."Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"The first man replied, "Im crying because I saw my wife a little while ago riding askateboard!"As soon as Mrs. Jones arrived at the gates of heaven she sought her husband, whohad died several years before."Excuse me," she said, approaching the gatekeeper, "but Im looking for myhusband. I wonder if you can help me.""What is his name?" the gatekeeper inquired."Harry ... Harry Jones," she replied.
  11. 11. The gatekeeper stroked his chin. "There are many here who have that name. Whatelse can you tell me about him?"Blurting out the first thing that came to mind, she said, "Well, the last thing he saidbefore he died was that if I were ever unfaithful to him, he would turn in his grave.""Ah!" said the gatekeeper, "youre looking for Pin-Wheel Harry!"Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation."Howd you die?" the first man asks the second."I froze to death," says the second."Thats awful," says the first man, "how does it feel to freeze to death?""Its very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, andyou get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, its a very calm way togo. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if youre sleeping. How about you,how did you die?""I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheatingon me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alonewatching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find noone. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."The second man shakes his head. "Thats so ironic," he says."What do you mean?" asks the first man."If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, wed both still be alive."A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to the man,"Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of people sataround a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished, desperate and starving. Eachheld a spoon t hat reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longerthan their arms that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. Thesuffering was terrible."Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while. They enteredanother room, identical to the first - the pot of stew, the group of people, the samelong-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-nourished."I dont understand," said the man. "Why are they happy here when they were
  12. 12. miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple," he said. "Here they have learned to feed eachother."One day five blind men decided to find out what an elephant "looked" like. Led toone, each man grabbed hold of whatever section of the animal he could, certainthat what he had grabbed was the whole of the elephant itself.The one holding onto the trunk thought for certain that the elephant must indeed bethe shape of a wiggly snake and said so, but the one who had found an earcountered, insisting that the elephants size was that of a palm leaf. With a firmgrip on one of the elephants legs, the third announced that the animal was actuallylike a tree trunk. "No," stated another, while patting the elephants side, "thisbeast is truly the size of a wall."Then the fifth, being the loudest and most impatient of the group, clasped theanimals tail and yelled, "Oh, my brothers, you are not only blind but crazy, for theelephant is the shape of a rope" - (an ancient Hindu parable illustrating humanitysmany attempts to define God)Strange and True Facts about Death From Snowys Silly Facts come these authentic facts with sources provided.You can read more of these facts about death at their website. (1) More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. (2) More people are killed each year by coconuts than sharks. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts. (3) You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. (4) Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all the wars man has ever fought. The "Black Death" plague killed 1/4 of Europes population in the 14th century, caused by germs transmitted from rodents to humans by fleas. (5) The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito. (6) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (7) A hundred years ago, the average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.
  13. 13. (8) Today, only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older. (9) Your statistical chance of being murdered is 1 in 20,000. (10) There are 5 times as many deaths due to the negligence of doctors as there are deaths due to firearms. (11) On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. (12) Robert Hershey, of Hershey Chocolate fame, died when he fell into a vat of chocolate and drowned. (13) Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote "Nutrition for Health" and numerous books on the science of proper eating, died of malnutrition. (14) Adolph Hitlers mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. (15) When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands. (16) When Thomas Edison died in 1941; Henry Ford captured his last dying breath in a bottle. (17) In 1845, President Andrew Jacksons pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing. (18) Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his fathers, President Garfields, and President McKinleys. After the last shooting, he refused ever to attend a state affair again. (19) When Mark Twain was born on Nov 30, 1835, Halleys comet was visible over Florida, Missouri. Mark Twain predicted in 1909 that he would die when it returned. He was right. When he died on April 21, 1910, Halleys comet was once again visible in the sky."Im not afraid of death. Its just that Idont want to be there when it happens." -Woody Allen | Return to home page | Copyright © 2007 Near-Death Experiences & the Afterlife