0
Nonviolent
Communication
A rather violent Introduction
by Sebastian Schürmann 

@sschuermann / sebs@2xs.org
about.me
• Scrum Master / Agile Coach
• Still Coding github.com/sebs
• 20k tweets @sschuermann
• Training Design Students ...
Triggerwarning
NVC WTF?
• Conflict resolution process
• A philosophy
• A way to canalize the energy generated by rants
Communication process
that is likely to inspire
empathy
NVC WTF?
“Most people do not listen with
the intent to understand; they
listen with the intent to reply.”
Stephen R. Covey
“Most people do not listen with
the intent to understand; they
listen with the intent to reply.”
Stephen R. Covey
Why are we not
listening?
Moralistic Judgments
Blame, insults, put-downs, comparisons and (often)
diagnoses
Demands that imply
blame and punishment if
you fail to comply
Denial of responsibility
„I had to“
Comparisons
The premise of „I
deserve that“ …
Talent, fate etc.
Overview
Conflicts 

== 

Miscommunication
about
Human Needs
with coercion and
manipulation
Guilt, fear and shame
divert attention
3 aspects of

NVC
Empathy
Listening to others
Self-Empathy
Self awareness
Honest 

Self-Expression
Authenticity
The Idea
Not so tree hug-ish anymore!
Everyone has the
capacity for compassion!
We resort to violence
when we do not recognize
a more effective strategies
Violence is learned
through culture
All behavior stems from
attempts to meet
universal human needs
Restorative Partnership
vs.
Retributive, fear based
Domination
Some assumptions of
NVC
1. All Humans share
the same basic needs
2. The World has
sufficient resources to
fulfill those needs
3. All actions are
attempts to meet needs
4. Feelings point to
needs met or unmet
5. Everyone has the
capacity for compassion
6. We enjoy giving
7. Human beings meet
needs through
interdependent relationships
8. Human beings
change
9. Choice is internal
10. The most direct path
to peace is through self-
connection
Model
Model
1. Observations
Model
1. Observations
2. Feelings
Model
1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs
Model
1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs
4. Honest Request
Example: 

You are the Teamlead.
Someone in fucks up the build build!
(repeatedly, weekends)
4 Choices!
His Fault!
My Fault!
How do I feel about it?
What are my needs that are not
addressed in this situation?
What did/does he possibly
feel in the situation?
What are his needs?
Lets go through the
whole process!
What did we observe?
Feelings
afraid
enraged
furiousincenseddistracted
tendercurious
warm
Needs Acceptance
Belonging
Cooperation
Cooperation
Intimacy
Intimacy
Safety
humor
The Question is:
What is the Question?
NVC Process
Observation Feeling
Request Need
Conclusions
• Separate Observations from
Judgements
• Do you feel it?
• What do you really need?
• As honestly (but ask)
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A rather violent intro to Nonviolent Communication

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Developing Software is a Team effort that includes communication, debates, disputes and conflicting ideas of what has to happen how. This is where Nonviolent Communication steps in and puts empathy with yourself and other persons in the center of communication. If your Job revolves around Teams and groups of Persons working together, Nonviolent Communication is a tool and philosophy that you should know. We try to have a small look into NVC in this talk.

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Transcript of "A rather violent intro to Nonviolent Communication"

  1. 1. Nonviolent Communication A rather violent Introduction by Sebastian Schürmann 
 @sschuermann / sebs@2xs.org
  2. 2. about.me • Scrum Master / Agile Coach • Still Coding github.com/sebs • 20k tweets @sschuermann • Training Design Students of KHB Berlin in JS • Open for permanent hire
  3. 3. Triggerwarning
  4. 4. NVC WTF? • Conflict resolution process • A philosophy • A way to canalize the energy generated by rants
  5. 5. Communication process that is likely to inspire empathy NVC WTF?
  6. 6. “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey
  7. 7. “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey
  8. 8. Why are we not listening?
  9. 9. Moralistic Judgments Blame, insults, put-downs, comparisons and (often) diagnoses
  10. 10. Demands that imply blame and punishment if you fail to comply
  11. 11. Denial of responsibility „I had to“
  12. 12. Comparisons
  13. 13. The premise of „I deserve that“ … Talent, fate etc.
  14. 14. Overview
  15. 15. Conflicts 
 == 
 Miscommunication
  16. 16. about Human Needs
  17. 17. with coercion and manipulation
  18. 18. Guilt, fear and shame divert attention
  19. 19. 3 aspects of
 NVC
  20. 20. Empathy Listening to others
  21. 21. Self-Empathy Self awareness
  22. 22. Honest 
 Self-Expression Authenticity
  23. 23. The Idea Not so tree hug-ish anymore!
  24. 24. Everyone has the capacity for compassion!
  25. 25. We resort to violence when we do not recognize a more effective strategies
  26. 26. Violence is learned through culture
  27. 27. All behavior stems from attempts to meet universal human needs
  28. 28. Restorative Partnership vs. Retributive, fear based Domination
  29. 29. Some assumptions of NVC
  30. 30. 1. All Humans share the same basic needs
  31. 31. 2. The World has sufficient resources to fulfill those needs
  32. 32. 3. All actions are attempts to meet needs
  33. 33. 4. Feelings point to needs met or unmet
  34. 34. 5. Everyone has the capacity for compassion
  35. 35. 6. We enjoy giving
  36. 36. 7. Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships
  37. 37. 8. Human beings change
  38. 38. 9. Choice is internal
  39. 39. 10. The most direct path to peace is through self- connection
  40. 40. Model
  41. 41. Model 1. Observations
  42. 42. Model 1. Observations 2. Feelings
  43. 43. Model 1. Observations 2. Feelings 3. Needs
  44. 44. Model 1. Observations 2. Feelings 3. Needs 4. Honest Request
  45. 45. Example: 
 You are the Teamlead. Someone in fucks up the build build! (repeatedly, weekends)
  46. 46. 4 Choices!
  47. 47. His Fault!
  48. 48. My Fault!
  49. 49. How do I feel about it? What are my needs that are not addressed in this situation?
  50. 50. What did/does he possibly feel in the situation? What are his needs?
  51. 51. Lets go through the whole process!
  52. 52. What did we observe?
  53. 53. Feelings afraid enraged furiousincenseddistracted tendercurious warm
  54. 54. Needs Acceptance Belonging Cooperation Cooperation Intimacy Intimacy Safety humor
  55. 55. The Question is: What is the Question?
  56. 56. NVC Process Observation Feeling Request Need
  57. 57. Conclusions • Separate Observations from Judgements • Do you feel it? • What do you really need? • As honestly (but ask)
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