Hello, and welcomes to another interesting year at Hogwarts castle of ministry and magic. Oculus repairs!!……
… Welcome to another great year at Hogwarts! And as I was saying this year we will celebrate Voldemort's return,Hip Hip, Hurry! Hip, hip, Hurry!!!!! Another Round waiter!! Ü ber! Don’t tell me what to do you mogul! Petrificus Totolos!! Sir, you’re alcohol level is getting really high tonight!
… This year will be very exciting at Hogwarts, as we will be battling memento-dragoons! They are a mix between demeanors and dragons! Ü ber Harry, what’s that, your 7th drink tonight!?!? Waiter, Harry Potter commands some Crispy Ale!! Now! Crucial, Shut Hermione, or I’ll petrify you!! Crucial!! Salazar’s beard!! Gimme that beer or I’ll seduce you!
… Now before we begin, I want to make this very clear: Do not fool around with these memento-dragoons because they are deadly creatures that will chop off your meaty head. (breath) Whoever can defeat the most will get to face Voldemort in the final destination!! (breath) Please be aware that if you choose to participate, you will need to obtain a physical. No Physical, NO participation. (breath) It is of paramount importance to me that whoever signs up wear a jumpsuit so as not to impede another swimmer’s pace!!
Let the feast begin! Where’d I put the sorting hat?! OOH!
Perv! The ministry will turn your niece into a ferret! Crucial, Later, at Scotland Yard! Would you like more tea, prime minister?? No, but I would like more juice! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!
Back At Hogwarts That is preposterous!! How in Gryffindor’s girdle did Voldemort kill the bartender?!?! Ahhhh, choo! Gesundheit! Professor Dumbledore I think you’ve drank too many Margaritas. No, I haven't. Professor McGonagall. Go to bed or I’ll seduce you with my salt and pepper! Achoo!
Why no, headmaster. But who would think of them at this time?! We are being attacked by the memento-dragoons! Tell me professor, do you know anything about Scottish caddies?? Harry Potter? That’s unfeasible! He barely knows what’s in his sleeve! I can assure you- Well, you did not know that our young Mr. Potter was a caddy, did you, McGonagall!?!?!?! Shut it! And you also didn’t know that he was a stand-up comic for 3 bloody years. Oh? I’m flabbergasted!!
Well, that’s not all. If you look into my pensive… Come closer, my child…
Harry, I was the doctor that brought you into this world… I am Dr. Voldemort! Your mom used up all the morphine, and 2/3 of the other patients died!!
I was also your father’s therapist!! He was so evil that his glasses broke telling me his stories!!
And Harry doesn’t mind if he doesn’t…make the scene. He’s got a daytime job, he’s doin’ alright. He can play the honky-tonk like anything. Saving it up for Friday night!
Yes, I shaved it. Because he cannot see himself in a mirror, he is Dracula’s nephew! Hufflepuff’s Horcruxes! It’s Voldemort! He shaved his head that fiend did!! Ai caramba!!
Ah, we are under attack. The memento-dragoons will take over Hogwarts. Wedgies! That night
Gurgle, give it up, Dumbledore. I have strict orders from Voldemort to capture you and bring you to him. I will not fail, Chewbacca!
Hold on, let me get down there. Darn, I left my wand on the toilet seat!
We have no time to waste, my tea is getting cold.
Oh, you’re so slippery!! Ahhhh, help! Nagini is harassing my wife! Hey, you, Perv! Your husband will be forced to clean my bathroom for a year, oh hopf!
The next day in the library Wh-what? No, no my child. I was just resting my neck! Caught you looking! Perv! Ah! You’re not Dumbledore, you’re an impostor! Do you have a six-pack? No, you’re an impostor!
I am Count Dracula, from Transylvania. Hand it over. What are you looking for? My scalpel, hand it over!!!!
Thank you! I believe the time has come to suck out your soul!! I sold my soul for rock and roll!
Tell me, where is Mr. Harry Potter? Or I will suck out your soul… I’ll not tell you! You evil vampires will never kill Harry!
Don’t worry, little squirrel! I, Dumbledore, will seduce him with my salt and pepper. Harry Potter, my senses tell me you are going to be my next meal, Chewbacca! Dracula, I will cremate your residue and scatter your vestiges into Voldemort’s coffee!! Imperious!!
Oh, OOOOH!! Chewbacca will avenge my cremation!!!! OL É!
At Voldemort's secret lairrrrr You spineless rat! He killed my uncle!! I do not fund industries for failure….disintegration! You will burn at the stake! Crucial!
Oh-h-h! Master…please don’t eradicate me! It was Dracula’s fault. M-hmmm! I scrutinized a little after his death and discovered an unforeseen fact: Harry Potter is older than he looks…He ages 1 and 4/7 times faster than his peers!! In actuality he is 21 years old! That makes him old enough to vote!! Needless to say, to drink! Bubble wrap!
Meanwhile, in the next room... … Oh, yes. Dr. Voldemort has the lowest rated therapeutic massages. No, no he’s in a meeting with a colleague…
Master, I will not fail again. But Chewbacca persisted, I- Don’t bring your cousin into this, Wormtail! He followed my orders! AGHH!! You always disobey me! I won’t be indulgent this time!!
Imperious!! No, no!! AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghghghhhhhhh!!!
The next die... Yes, my lord. Now, without additional argument…Chewbacca, my plan to overthrow Hogwarts will begin! Oh, and kill that British humorist! God save the queen!
Chewbacca, meditate quietly and reflect upon which level of carnage you want to see. As hard as fisting a velociraptor!
Later... Depravity! How the heck are we supposed to change this flat? Grarghhh!! As easy as stamping on kittens! Come here, I’ll fist that guilty demeanor out of ye!!!
Don't look Merlin’s Mustache!! Holy Ganzoodles! No, please…I swear I’m not having an affair with her majesty!! Please no-Aaaghh! Tell me the truth and I’ll ease your passing!
Ok, I lied…she’s three months pregnant…ohhhhhh
Harry, Harry! Can you help me a second? Crookshanks is acting awfully keen!! Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts
Yes, he’s the Hogwarts veterinarian! And he specializes in cats! Professor Snake? Yes, well…rather odd indeed. Maybe you should let Snake check him out… Ohhhhh!! (cough) What meow?
It looks to me like he’s bisexual… Well, it looks to me like he’s in a bit of a dilemma. He thinks he is a male when in fact he’s a female… But, professor, I hope it’s not going to lead to complications!? He will return to normal? Ohh, doctor, I thought we agreed to keep this between us…
Suddenly Ahhhh…the fate of Hogwarts is in the hands of the evil Voldemort. No one can save us now! Hogwarts…prepare for your termination! Harry Potter, you will be executed by means of impaling.
Why does it have to end this way? I love you, Dumbledore!!! Without Dumbledore, we will fall prey to Voldemort and his excavating bulldozers!! Don’t panic, Hobbits. We will try to defeat them…Where’s McGonagall? I told Dumbledore we needed Walkie-Talkies!
You know, Professor McGonagall, that you can always stretch the truth…I mean look at our president… But we are held under siege… we cannot do anything. If only master Dumbledore were here… What a stupid janitor, where did Hatred go? I think we need a new leader, someone to get rid of this maniac Voldemort. Someone skilled enough to think like him, work undercover, and strike at the right moment. Like me for example… Don’t be daft!!
Ahhhh! It’s Count Voldemort. Achoo! Yes! I have used steroids to increase the circumference of my head. Ahem.
And now, prepare to pay for that pitiful stocking you sent for Christmas! Imperious! Chewbacca, attack!
Levitator! Curses! This must the aftereffects of the head enlargement curse! Ahh! You are coming in too rough!
Do not worry! I, Dumbledore, will seduce him with my comedic sedatives.
There must be a way to rescue Dumbledore. Stop talking, you emaciated Death Eatre! No reason to get excited! I have a plan. HEY, HATRED!!! I thought you were on your honeymoon with The Kneel?! I have used up all our morphine for Hermione’s cat! Darn felines, I should have clogged Voldemort’s toilet with its corpse!! Yes! Suddenly
Mahwah! I’ll show you fleshy… Oh, please tell me, Hatred. Yes, well…I doubt we will fit in there with all of our students. Especially those two fleshy fools, Gayle and Crabs! They eat like elephants. And you know I’m not good with irrational numbers. We could set up traps in the castle and barricade ourselves in Dumbledore’s quarters.
Suddenly MAS Ò M É NOS!! Tengo dolor de mi cab é za!
Adios! Tu mama es muy garganta! Suddenly Hey, Hatred! Come on! We are being attacked by Count Voldemort’s entourage!!
S í! Let’s go! Hurry up! Va, va! Tu mama es muy fuert é !
Suddenly I didn’t mean it ! Hiss!! My spleen is overflowing! AH! Ooze! Ooh, oowe, ooh!
We have no time to waste, as my tea is getting cold! NOOOOOOOO!! Minerva, my love! I will avenge thy butchery! Or my name isn’t Professor Snake! You won’t escape this time, Snake!! Nagini, quick attack!
Go, Nagini! Pikachu, I choose you!! Use flamethrower!
Grarghhh! The doctor recommended steroids for my emaciated figure!