What Is Love
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What Is Love

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Understand Love

Understand Love

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What Is Love What Is Love Presentation Transcript

  • Love and Romantic Relationships
  • What Is Love? What Is Love?
  • Three Component of Love
    • Intimacy
    • Passion
    • Commitment
  • Intimacy Feeling of closeness Connectedness Bondedness
  • Intimacy
    • Wanting happiness for other person
    • Give and receive emotional support
  • Passion
    • Feeling that gives rise to romance
    • Physical attraction
    • Sexual Feeling
    • Not in all relationships Found in lovers
  • Commitment
    • Decision to love a person (short term)
    • Commitment to the person, maintaining the relationship (long term)
  •  
  • Passionate Love
    • A state of intense longing for the union with another
  • Passionate Love
    • Sexual arousal
    • Pounding heart
    • Sweaty palms
    • Strong sexual desire
  • Lust what We Know About Human Sexual Desire
    • Regan & Berscheid (1999)
    • Asked College students
    • Who do they love
    • Who are they in love with
    • Who are they sexually attracted to
  • Love list had a 2% overlap with sexual attracted list In love list had a 85% overlap with sexually attracive list
  •  
  • Would you marry a Person you were not in love with ?
    • Regan & Berschid asked if you would marry some one who had all the qualities you desired but were not in love with
    • 14% of men said yes
    • 20% of women said yes
  • Companionate Love
    • The affection and tenderness we feel for those with who our lives are intertwined with .
  • Would include :
    • Mutual trust
    • Caring
    • Friendship
    • Respect
  • Lasting Love
    • Sprecher and Regan gave couples scales to measure their companionate love and passionate love.
    • They found passionate love initially rose but after it peaked it declined as time went on.
    • Companionate love did not decline
  • How do I love thee
    • Styles of love
    • Love at first sight
    • Slow to warm up
  • Three Styles of Love
    • Eros
    • Storge
    • Ludus
  • Eros : The god of love
    • Erotic style of love
    • Powerful physical attraction
    • Tall, dark, and handsome
    • Strong at first then lessens over time
  • Eros style of love
    • My lover and I have the right physical chemistry
    • Our love making is intense and satisfying
    • We were made for each other
  • Storge : love of sibling/ playmate
    • Love style develops when people have the same interests
    • Love develops over time
    • Starts out as friends and build to love
  • Storge Style
    • The best kind of love grows out of a long friendship
    • Love is really a deep friendship not a mystical emotion
    • Genuine love requires caring
  • Ludus : The game
    • Players
    • Bounce from lover to lover
    • Number of relationships
    • Experience less satisfaction then other styles
  • Ludus Style
    • I enjoy playing the game of love with different people
    • I try to keep my lover a little uncertain of my commitment to him or her
    • I sometimes have to keep my lovers from finding out about one another
  • Secondary Stages Of Love
    • Mania
    • Pragma
    • Agape
  • Mania
    • The combination of eros and ludus
    • Known as troubled love
    • Jealousy & dependence
    • Need reassurance in love
    • Love the idea of being in love
  • Mania
    • When my lover does not pay enough attention to me I feel sick
    • When I am in love I have trouble concentrating
    • Sometimes I get so excited about being in love I can’t sleep.
  • Pragma
    • Combination of ludus and storge
    • Greek for pragmatic
    • Compatibility is the goal
    • The greater the compatibility the greater the love
  • Pragma
    • One consideration in choosing a partner is how they will reflect on my career
    • I plan my life carefully when choosing a lover
    • How compatible is his/her background with mine for future children
  • Agape
    • Blend of eros and storge
    • Altruistic love
    • Give love with nothing in return
    • Purest form of love
  • Agape
    • I would rather see something bad happen to me then to have my lover unhappy
    • I am willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my partner achieve his/hers
    • I would endure all things for the sake of my partner
  • Gender differences In love styles
    • Men seem to see love in terms of eros or ludus
    • Women have a more pragmatic out look on love
    • Why?
  • Goal of Romantic Relationships
    • Sexual satisfaction
    • Establish family bonds
    • Gain resources and status
    • Same as friendship
    • reassurance and information
  • Why is Sex Important
    • Sex differentiates passionate romantic love from other forms of love
    • Provides mutual pleasure and enjoyment
    • Is looked at differently by men and women
  • Sexual Satisfaction Sexual Desire
    • Men view on sex is different then women
    • Think about it more
    • More visually stimulated
    • Prefer more frequent sex
    • Masturbate earlier and more frequently
  • Sexual Relationship
    • Women see commitment as a context for sex
    • More interested in intimacy
    • Less interested in casual sex
    • Sexual fantasies involve partner
  • Hormones
    • Hormones that play a key role in sex
            • Oxytocin
            • Testostrone
  • Oxytocin
    • Hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain
    • Released more in women
            • After labor
            • After stimulation of the nipples
            • After orgasm
        • Can be released in both sexes after orgasm
        • Leads to more attachment and longer relationships
  • Testosterone
    • Produced more by males
    • Correlation between sexual desire and testosterone production/levels
    • Males with malfunctioning testes will have less sexual fantasies
    • Women injected with testosterone will have and increase in sexual fantasies
  • Socio-sexual Orientation
    • The tendency to prefer unrestricted sex or restricted sex
    • Restricted sex- only in the context of loving, long term, committed relationship
    • Unrestricted – without love
  • Socio-sexual Orientations Scale
    • Simpson & Gangestand developed a scale to measure socio-sexual orientation
    • How often do you fantasize about having sex with someone other then your partner?
    • Sex is ok without love
    • I need a close attachment with some one before I can have sex with them.
  • Unrestricted/Restricted
    • Unrestricted orientation
      • More partners in the past
      • Have sex earlier in relationship
      • Intend to have more partners in the future
      • Have more then one partner at the same time
      • More likely to have one night stands
      • Feel less commitment to current partner
    • Males tend to be more unrestricted and females more restricted.
    • The traits an unrestricted person look for are socially visible, attractive.
    • The traits a restricted person looks for are good parenting skills, responsibility, faithfulness
    • Both types want sex just as much!
    • Testosterone injected into men with defective testes
    • Testosterone levels measured in women after reporting number of sexual fantasies
    • Testosterone levels affect both sexual dysfunction in men and women
    • Triangular theory of love
    • Types of love
    • Styles of love
    • Gender differences
  • Human Sexuality : How men and women differ
    • Peplau
    • Looks at gender differences in:
      • Desire
      • Relationships
      • Aggression
      • Plasticity
  • Sexual Desire
    • Sexual desire – the subjective experience of being interested in sexual objects or activates or wishing to engage in sexual activities.
  • Sexual Desire in Men
    • More interested in sex
    • Rate their own sex drive higher then females
    • Think about sex more often
    • Want sex more them women
    • Visit prostitutes more often
    • More visually stimulated
      • Spend more money on x rated videos and magazines
  • Sexual Frequency in Couples
    • Heterosexual–compromise between the desire of male and female partners
    • Homosexual–lesbian couples have sex less often than gay men or heterosexual couples
    • Women more likely to refrain from sex due to religious reasons.
  • Sexual Relationships
    • Women’s sexuality tends to be strongly linked to close relationships.
    • Women have more romantic view of sexual relationships
      • Intimacy is the important goal.
  • Sexual Relationships in Homosexuals
    • Lesbians–more likely to form relationships from preexisting friendships, sexual fantasies are more personal and romantic
    • Gay men–more likely to have sex with partners outside their relationship, have sexual fantasies much like heterosexual males.
  • Sexual Aggression
    • Sexual concept includes romantic, passionate
    • Men sexual self–concept also includes aggression
    • Extent to which they see them selves as
      • Aggressive
      • Powerful
      • Experienced
      • Dominant
      • Individualistic
    • Men are more assertive than women
      • Initiate touching
      • Sexual intimacy
    • Sexual fantasies–men are more likely to imagine doing something sexual, take more active role
  • Rape
    • Woman use many different ways to get a man to have sex with her but typically not force or violence
    • Physically coercion is more typical of male behavior
    • Stranger & date rape
    • Also seen in heterosexual relationships
  • Sexual Plasticity
    • Women’s sexual beliefs and behaviors are more easily shaped by cultural social and situational factors.
      • Changes in sexuality
      • Changes in behavior due to socialization
  • Changes in Sexuality
    • Most likely to see variability in sexual frequency in women
    • Women are more likely to change their sexual orientation
    • 25% of 18 -25 year old women who identified as bisexual or lesbian changed their identity five years later.
  • Changes Due to Socialization
    • Women more likely to change behaviors due to situational influences
    • Education: going to college more liberal attitudes
    • Relocation: move to new culture less sexual
  • Gender difference In Sex
    • Students at Arizona State University were asked what was the lowest level of intelligence that you would accept in:
      • Single date
      • Sexual partner
      • Date steady
      • Marry
  • DATE SEX STEADY MARRIAGE Women Men Intelligence And the differences are even more pronounced for one-night stands
  • Experiment by Clark and Hatfield
    • College students were approached by member of opposite sex and asked one of three questions
    • I have seen you around campus and think you are very attractive, will you:
      • Go out on a date with me tonight
      • Come to my apartment
      • Go to bed with me
    • What do you think they Found?
  • Go out Go to apartment Go to bed Women Men % Saying “Yes” 0 20 40 60 80 100 (Clark & Hatfield, 1989)‏
  • Why the Differences
    • Sexual encounters with strangers do not fulfill women's goals for sexual relationship. Need for love and intimacy in order to have good sex.
    • Not just fear of pregnancy
    • Birth control
    • In lesbians where no fear of pregnancy,
    • lesbians prefer and lead less active sex lives then heterosexual women
  • Evolutionary Theory
    • Differences in cost
    • Given that pregnancy results, what is the minimum investment of copulation for:
      • Minimum female investment
        • 9 months of pregnancy, 30 lbs of nutrients, 3-4 years of nursing
      • Minimum male investment
        • 5 minutes of copulation 1 sperm, one ten trillionth of an ounce
    • Females make more judicious mate choices
    • Males less discriminate about who they mate with
  • Attraction
    • What makes someone attractive?
  • Who is More Attractive?
  • Attractiveness
    • Tall/ short
    • Thin/ fat
    • Hairy/ smooth
    • Eye color
    • Hair color
  • Universal Attractiveness
    • Hygiene and cleanliness
    • Waist to hip ratio
    • Symmetrical face
    • Faces that exaggerate gender characteristics
  • Weight to Hip Ratio (WHR)‏
    • Calculated by dividing waist measurement by hip measurement
    • Women with a 0.7 WHR are often rated as more attractive by men regardless of culture, race, religion or ethnicity.
    • Examples: Twiggy, Kate Moss, Salma Hayek & Marilyn Monroe
  •  
  • Preference in Men
    • Asked to rank the attractiveness of 12 line drawings of average height females figures
      • Different levels of WHR (.7, .8, .9)
      • Three levels of body weight (underweight- 90lbs, normal weight- 120 lbs, and overweight- 150 lbs).
  •  
    • A WHR of 0.7 for women and 0.9 for men have been shown to correlate strongly with general health and fertility
    • Women within the 0.7 range
      • Optimal levels of estrogen
      • Less susceptible to major diseases such as diabetes, cardiovascular disorders and ovarian cancers.
    • Men with WHR around 0.9
      • More healthy and fertile
      • Less prostate and testicular cancer
  • Symmetry
    • Symmetry of features seen as more attractive
    • Symmetry–marker for good health
      • Greater asymmetry was related to more self-reported depression, neuroses, infertility, more physical health problems
      • Associated with greater masculinity and dominance
      • More symmetrical men have shorter courtships before intercourse, they invest the least money and time in them and they cheat on their mates much more often
  • Faces that Exaggerate Gender Characteristics
    • Faces that exaggerate gender characteristics seen more attractive then average faces
    • Males
      • Big jaw, chin and large brow reflect androgen
    • Females
      • Smaller chin, nose, fuller lips reflect estrogen
  • Beauty
    • Who is it more important to?
    • More important to men then to women.
    • Attractive women can raise a mans social status but does not work the other way around.
    • Women more concerned with a mans social status.
  •  
    • Townsend and Levy (1990). Looked at the effects of status (measured by clothing), and attractiveness on female willingness to engage in a romantic relationship.
    • Male targets were pre-rated for physical attractiveness
      • 2 categories: handsome and homely
      • Wore one of three costumes:
        • Blazer, shirt designer tie, Rolex—described as being doctors (high status)‏
        • Plain white shirt—described as being teachers (medium status)‏
        • Uniform of a Burger King employee—described as being trainee (low status)‏
    • Women were more willing to engage in relationships with high status/homely males than with medium or low status handsome males
  • Halo Effect
    • Cognitive bias in which the assessment of an individual quality serves to influence and bias the judgment of other qualities
    • Attractive people are seen as having a more desirable personality and more skills than someone of average appearance
  • Benefits of Attractiveness
    • Attractive individuals more socially competent, have higher self esteem, are less shy and have better social skills
    • Limitations to Attractiveness
      • Super attractive make others feel inferior, not as influential as less attractive
      • Super attractiveness may cause resentment
      • Seen as intellectually inferior
  • Goal of Romantic Relationships
    • Sexual satisfaction
    • Establish family bonds
    • Gain resources and status
    • Same as friendship—reassurance and information
  • Establishing Bonds
    • Passion fades, so why do we stay on long term relationships?
    • Feeling of intimacy grows as passion fades
    • Long term commitment in lovers is different than in friends
      • Friends can go on long trip and we easily adjust to their absence
      • Separation from lovers is extremely emotional
      • Losing spouse to divorce or death causes more emotional distress then any other life event
    • Having a marriage partner protects against major illness like cancer
  • Why Do We Form Attachments
    • People need to belong
    • Separation of lovers is similar to that shown by infants separated from their mothers
      • Protest
        • Crying active searching
      • Despair
        • Obvious sadness
      • Emotional Detachment
        • Coldness when reunited
  • Attachment Styles
    • Some easily form relationships
    • Some demand to much
    • Others avoid commitment by having casual affairs
  • 3 Types Of Attachment Style
    • Secure attachment
    • Anxious/ ambivalent attachment
    • Avoidant attachment style
  • Secure Attachment Style
    • Easily expressed affection towards their mother, did not worry about being abandoned
    • Mothers acted consistently warm and responsive
  • Anxious/Ambivalent
    • Visibly upset at any separation from their mother, preoccupied with possible abandonment
    • Mothers acted inconsistently
      • Sometimes ignoring children and some times intruding on activities
  • Avoidant Attachment
    • Disregarding their mother
    • Refusing attention when their mother returned
    • Often translates into Adult Relationships
    • I find it easy to get close to others and feel comfortable having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned
    • Secure Attachment
    • I am someone uncomfortable being close to others. I have had a hard time trusting. My Partner wants me to be more intimate then I feel comfortable with.
    • Avoidant Style
    • I am reluctant to get close as I would like. I worry about my partner not really loving me and leaving me. I want to merge completely with another person and that pushes people away.
    • Anxious/ Ambivalent Style
  • Threats and Attachment
    • Mothers provide a safe haven
    • Situations in life can cause:
      • Fear
      • Anxiety
      • Insecurity
  • Harlow Monkey Study
    • Infant rhesus monkeys separated from mothers
    • Given mom substitutes
    • Monkeys frightened
    • Ran to mother for comfort
    • After comforted went back to explore
  •  
    • Infants develop a schema about feeling and beliefs
    • Secure attached–people can be trusted, they can be a safe haven
    • Insecure attachment–close relationships provide acceptance but sometimes rejection, people are caring one minute and uncaring the next
  • Adult Attachment
    • Hazan and Shaver
    • Adult theory of attachment
      • Secure
      • Anxious/ Ambivalent
      • Avoidant
  • Play/work
    • In children: play
    • Secure: explore, new toys
    • Anxious/ Ambivalent : too worried about caregiver
    • Avoidant: use play to avoid caregiver
  • Play/work
    • In adults: work
    • Secure: enjoy work, no fear of failure
    • Anxious/Ambivalent use as a way to again acceptance
    • Avoidant: use as a way to avoid social interaction, less satisfied with work
  • Do Attachment Styles Change?
    • Remain constant over time
    • Attachment styles of 12 month old still the same at 6 years old
    • Major disruptions can cause change
    • SES/divorce
    • Change in adults
      • Anxious/Ambivalent – Avoidant
      • Anxious/Ambivalent – Secure
  • Goals of Romantic Relationships
    • Sexual satisfaction
    • Establish family bonds
    • Gain and maintain resources
    • Women tend to prefer older men
    • Men tend to prefer younger women
    • What are they looking to gain?
    • Older men can potentially provide financial resources
    • Younger women can potentially provide more offspring
  • Differences in personal ads
    • Men tend to advertise financial resources/ women request them
    • Mature stockbroker looking to invest his time and bank account in young attractive women
    • Young attractive college student looking for older man to spend time and money on her
  • When Women Gain Resources and Status
    • Women who have high status/resources
      • more assertive
      • look more for personality/attractiveness
    • Personal ads:
      • Independent professional woman looking for a fun and attractive man to travel around the world with
    • Norm Li asked people to design a mate under two conditions:
      • High budget: mate dollars
      • Low budget: mate dollars
    • High budget – low sex differences
    • Low budget – men and women made very different choices
  • Marital Patterns and Resources
    • Marital patterns include
      • Monogamy
      • Polyandry
      • Polygamy
    • Monogamy—one woman and one man
    • Polygamy—one man with more than one wife
    • Polyandry—one woman with more than one husband, usually brothers
    • Why brothers?
    • Harsh conditions make it hard for single man and woman.
    • Pool resources
    • When couple has more girls then the marriage patterns become polygamist
    • Polygamy has to do with resources
    • The more resources, the more wives
    • A poor man might be able to spend more time with only wife
    • Rich man can provide more resources
  • When Love Goes Bad
    • Lose of a partner causes severe emotional distress
    • What if that person was never your partner?
    • What if you just won’t let go of a relationship?
    • Erotomania is a disorder where a person is fixated and delusional in the belief that they are passionately loved by another person
      • Usually a spiritual union rather then sexual desire
    • Mostly seen in women
    • 246 cases 70% women
      • Single
      • Mid 30’s
      • Older high status males
    • In men:
      • Late 20’s
      • Younger attractive women
      • Harass till law intervenes
    • Erotomania most commonly seen in former lovers or marriage partners
    • Incessant attempts to restore relationship
    • Typically non violent
  • Unrequited love
    • 93% of people have experienced unrequited love.
    • Bad for both parties involved
    • Targets feel guilt, confusion and annoyance
    • Would be lovers–damage self esteem, feel led on
  • Why So Hard to Let Go?
    • Movies and books : win in the end
    • Target not always clear
    • Self preservation—won’t admit to self unacceptable as a lover
  • Jealousy
    • Common problem in relationships
    • Usually over same sex competitor
    • Looked at differently by men and women
    • Imagine that you discover the person with whom you are in a relationship with has become interested in someone else. Which would cause you more distress?
      • Your partner falling in love with someone else
      • Your partner having sex with someone else
    • Men more distress in sexual infidelity
    • Women more distress in emotional infidelity
    • Why the difference?
    • Evolutionary theory
    • Men don’t want to raise children that are not their own
    • Women lose resources if man falls in love with another women and leaves her
  • Marriage Dissatisfaction
    • ½ of marriages end in divorce
    • More at risk
      • Lower SES
      • Younger when married
      • Living together before marriage