1. I just caught my spouse cheating. What do I do?
There are simply too many variables to consider to
prescribe a “one size fits all” response to such a devastating turn of events. But I can offer
some thoughts which may help you in the moment.
What is most important right now is to get support, to talk out your feelings, and to find a
confidante who can offer a listening ear yet not tell you what to do next. (Only you can decide
the ultimate direction to take.) If your spouse is remorseful and wants to make amends and work
on the relationship with you then you may need time to weigh your own feelings about this
without additional pressure.
You’re likely to be experiencing a wild swirl of emotions. Do you have a trusted friend you can
turn to for immediate support? Talking to a trusted friend can serve to help you get your feet on
the ground, avoid rash actions that cannot be undone, and make a reasonable plan for your
next step.
If you don’t have a friend to turn to, or if your friends cannot be at least somewhat objective
about your situation, it may be important to resist the urge to turn to a family member. While it
may not seem possible right now, many couples do reconcile after an affair. If you share your
betrayal with your family (what we sometimes call “poisoning the well”) then it may be difficult
or impossible for your family’s hard feelings toward your mate to soften later on — even if you
yourself have decided to forgive.
Instead, consider calling a free crisis line (you can dial 211 in many communities to get
connected) or call a therapist and ask to schedule an appointment as soon as possible. If the
first therapist you call can’t get you in rapidly, ask for a few referrals to their colleagues who
might be able to help. Don’t give up: You will find help.
Then you can hash out your feelings and, together with your therapist, make a plan for ongoing
support as you sift through the pieces of your relationship puzzle.
By getting help early on you may be able to prevent further emotional devastation and preserve
options for the future. Having someone in your corner can help strengthen you so that you can
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2. keep doing what you must do to carry on in life, including functioning on the job, parenting, and
self-care. Once your situation stabilizes then you can consider what to do about
your relationship for the long haul.
Let me know if I can help. I’d like to serve as a supportive lifeline for you as you work to create
the clarity needed in your life to overcome this very challenging circumstance.
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