AMOCK / Page 3 SCOTTISH LOVE SECRETS - KNEESOch well, if it’s the knees you want to know about I his kilt a little above the knee every now and then, forhave a fine tale to tell you. It hap- pened he had a braw pair of knees, and that this would drivelike this, you see. Many years ago a the girls into a frenzy and theyfew friends and I came down from the wouldn’t be able to resist him.Highlands to the bonny banks of It worked a treat and SandyLoch Lomond, looking for girls, as MacAllan has been marriedyoung men do. Now, one of the eight times and always to wom-lads was Sandy MacAllan, a fine, en called Morag. He had a kindbig, braw, lad but awful shy with of fetish for the name. Therethe lassies. All the rest of us was not a Morag for twenty mileswould be dancing and kissing with was safe when Sandy MacAllanthe girlies, for the maids of Loch was in the mood and had his kiltLomond were ever keen on high hitched above his knee. So therejinks, and poor Sandy would be you go, men, if you’re the shy retir-sitting all by himself, nursing his ing type, or if you think you have nobeer and looking miserable. So I took it on myself to physical at- tributes suitable for attracting a mate,have a wee chat with him about his lack of success get your knees out and watch the lassies buckle. Butwith the womenfolk. Seems he didn’t have a clue on avoid Morags for Sandy MacAllan is the jealous type.how to approach a lassie, and I advised him to hitch SOUNDS OF TOMORROWGreetings, music which is most about the village girl swooningI am Svetlana Polzkivitch, best pop singer in village of when handsome man come along and show muscles.Grodny, also only pop singer in Grodny. I am seek I am not swooning. I am modern woman and expertagent, manager and record label to break into western in feminine hygiene.pop music business. Also fans. I am try to build backing band but so far onlyI have release single already. Is called have Old Tomas on electric accordion and‘GEORGI, YOU ARE HOT STUFF.’ Is Simeon the Pervert on bass ukulele, butabout my boyfriend. He is goat. My sound is good and only need tune to help.friends are say, ‘Western pop music not Also I am looking for husband as my loveabout girl who love goat, Svetlana’ but I for Georgi is not of that type, he is soul-am saying ‘Is novelty then. They will like mate. Husband who own recordvery much and I will be very rich and company would be good. Also pop star,famous and buy Prius motor car’. though not if gay like John Elton and Michael George.I wish to tell about my style which is I develop all by Is not approve in my culture as girl who marry gaymyself. Is mixture of blues and hip-hop with touch of man often have no children, unless milkman is hunkygarage. I have many influence, main of which is Iron type.Maiden and Conway Twitty. My music is very popular My email she is email@example.com if arein Grodny. Make big change from traditional folk can be helping. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 4 HOW TO AVOID BEAUTIFUL WOMEN The Indispensable GuideAs a handsome young devil it is inevitable that you will be pursued by stunning youngwomen who wish to be intimate with you. This can cause distress, especially for theyoung chap who has other calls on his time other than getting sweaty in the arms ofa beguiling beauty. There are the attractions of tinkering with an automobile engineor drinking beer and swapping uplifting tales with one’s chums in a bar.So, how does the modern young man avoid the attentions of these sirens? Theanswer is simplicity itself, he must find the elements of his personality andphysique which are attracting these hussies and remove them as soon aspossible.For instance, he may begin by approaching the pneumatic young blonde,Candy, and asking, “Hey, Candy, what is it about me that makes you drool?”She may answer that it is his impressive six-pack, in which case he shouldimmediately start eating burgers and ice cream by the bucket-load and forego the programme ofsit-ups which he has been pursuing.Alternatively, he may find that the long-legged redhead, Tania, admires him for his sparkling wit and repartee.He must counter this by telling the joke about the nuns riding their bicycle down the cobbled street and gettingthe punch-line wrong!Something along the lines of, ‘Because the chain came off’ should be sufficient to prove that you are an idiotand not worthy of attention.It must be admitted that this remedy will take time to become effective. Your six-pack will not disappearovernight and Tania might well believe that you were just having an off-day with your gag. However, withperseverance, you can soon turn yourself into a fat, boring, slob, who will not be bothered by lovely youngladies who wish to share their bodily warmth with you. And that, surely, is a sacrifice worth making. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 5 Mary Poppins was a lesbian. James Bond didn’t drink beer because creator Ian Fleming said it made him fart. The Roswell flying saucer ran on chicken soup. Extracted from The Complete Book of Lies by Professor Ed Spurious. Most undertakers collect stamps.Barrack Obama has no pubic hair. Excessive trampolining can affect your fertility.Hedgehogs are more aerodynamic than Bats can see in the dark if they have a torch.penguins. Grating cheese can reduce its fat content.All women called Gloria are expert knitters. Mother/son incest is permitted in parts ofThe most common name for male porn stars is Ecuador as long as the female partner is pastBob. the menopause.All Chinese people get airsick when flying in Goofy is better hung than Mickey.biplanes. Humus is used as a building material in Turkey.Tom Cruise unsuccessfully auditioned for Adam No computer language recognition system hasSavage’s role in Mythbusters. been able to decipher a drunk Scotsman.If all the books in the world were piled on top Bald men are not permitted to be astronautsof each other they would topple over. by NASA.Harriet Finlayson takes credit cards. Gay Parisian men think it is a great triumph toPrince Charles has a valet whose sole task is to seduce straight policemen. Especially if theypolish the Royal buttocks each morning. are on duty directing traffic.The Pope enjoys playing darts. In the future making love to your partner’s clone will not be regarded as being unfaithful.There is no proof that the electro-magneticspectrum actually exists. Nancy Delaney and her bisexual husband, George, both have the same taste in men.Watching more than three hours of TV everyday will make you need the toilet. The nail was invented in the third century BC but did not become popular till the first centuryThe Venus fly trap will not eat hornets. when the hammer was invented.If all the foreskins circumcised since the Rasputin popularised floral cod-pieces.introduction of this religious requirement weregathered together they wouldn’t fill a shoe- Kenyans are allergic to Riesling wine.box. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 6 S B IE Amock is proud to EE offer our readers a range of classic novel e-books, completely FREE, in the 3D,FR page-turning dnl format. For those more serious moments.These books didn’tbecome classics for no reason. If youhaven’t read them, you’re in for a The stunning page-flip dnl format has treat. to be seen to be believed. The books available for free download are Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, Dracula by Bram Stoker, Fanny Hill by John Cleland, The Three Musketeers by Alendre Dumas, The Black Arrow by Robert Lois Stevenson, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain, Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott, A Princess of Mars and Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs, A Study in Scarlet by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and The War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells. The ebooks require you install the dnl reader if you don’t already have it on your computer, but you can download it from our website. Click the button below. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 7 SOCCER PLAYERS SEEK SOAP The Association of Gay Soccer Players “They are arguing from a very weak position,” argued (AGSP) is threatening that its members will Da Fruité, “as a great go on strike unless club owners introduce number of soccer slipperier soap for use in showers in their players have now come changing rooms. out as gay and if we go “What they currently provide isn’t suitable on strike the entire world for purpose,” claimed AGSP Chairman, of the beautiful game will Alfonso Da Fruité. “It is easily picked up come to a standstill. We when dropped on the floor of the shower have identified a brand of and this does not allow our members soap which we have tested sufficient time to make their move. What on various players and we want is extremely slippery soap none could pick it up which has to be groped and fumbled for without four attempts, even before being manfully gripped. This the goalkeepers. It is means that the player who has dropped scented beautifully and only their soap remains bent over for an costs $4,000 more than an extended period, which suits us perfectly, if only for a ordin ary bar of soap, so I don’t see visual feast.” what the problem is. Don’t they want us to be happy?” “They are nuts,” responded Don Macho, a spokesman “He can kiss my ass,” reacted Macho. for the soccer club owners. “We gave them hair gel, “Yes please,” was Da Fruité’s only response. we gave them lube, but they’re never happy. Today Graphic by Vectorportal it’s slippery soap, tomorrow it’ll be beds in the dressing room for their sordid perversions.”Its impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. The length of a man’s penis is twice the length of his thumb.Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people do. The average human head weighs about 8 pounds.Your ears and nose continue to grow throughout your entire life. The average human blinks their eyes6,205,000 times each year. Women have read this entire text. Men are still looking at their thumbs. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 8 WIFE-SWAPPER UNHAPPYMr Arthur Tosspot has complained to the “We had to give residents something in the way ofLittlehampton Town Council that the local Wife leisure activities,” said Cllr Nobby Backhander, “andSwapping Society has treated him unfairly by we couldn’t afford a swimming pool. The Councilaccepting him as a member and taking his annual realise that a wife swapping society is unfair on dues, only for him to unmarried residents but we believe in the institution of discover that none of the marriage and if singles want to participate they know married men in the small where the church is.” English town wishes to have Local resident, Stan Quickie, a long-standing member anything to do with his wife, of the Society had his own opinion of why Mrs Phoebe. Tosspot had failed to find any admirers. “She’s a “She’s not that bad,” he lovely girl, actually,” he said in the snug bar of local insisted yesterday, in his pub, the Dog and Goose, “but she does make an small, semi-detached home, awful noise when she’s in action. Sounds like a fog- “a bit overweight and flat horn. Honestly, it puts you right off.”feet, but you tell me who’s perfect. Mrs Blenkinsop Regarding Mr Tosspot’s complaint, Cllr Backhanderfrom Bank Street’s in a much worse state and they’re was dismissive, “The Council has a duty to provideround her like flies. If nobody fancies her, I don’t get facilities but not to police them. We provide tennisnone neither.” courts, but we don’t get to say who plays.”The Council are involved because they part-fund the Mr Tosspot was not conciliated. “If I don’t get mySociety, a situation caused by the insufficiency of money back we’ll move. Smallhampton’s a nice placefunds to open a local library. and they’ll have it off with anybody there.” SISTER FOR SALEI am seek husband for my sister, Shakti. Price is three goats and one camel, nohaggling. She very good at collect droppings of cow, cook beans and sew dress, butnot high fashion, only peasant style. She 42 years old and not virgin as have had twohusband before (both missing). She is tell me she is not responsible for they disappearand I am believe her, also local police commissioner agree for very small bribe. Villageelders confirm she officially widow and available. Is obviously used, hence low askingprice. No children, but fertile. Certificate available from Dr Patil for small fee (noguarantees). Shakti have good nature and is easy going. Also tell good dirty jokes.Hobby is collect shoes. Sometimes they not belong to her, hence criminal conviction.Also like movies and is big fan of Basil Rathbone. Good homemaker and not smellbad. Bodywork not too bad - no rust.Firm offers to Achmed, Village Tokodar, Belochistan. Can deliver.NB: Picture is not of Shakti. Picture is of very beautiful film star, Meena Mousse, but I use it to catch attention. This is cunningmarketing ploy I learn from western marketing agency. Shakti look nothing like this. This is the small print which you should not beable to read. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 9 Professor Pete gives you indispensable Dear Ross, advice on all your problems. It is your youth she is after; the ability to flaunt her young lover in front of her friends. Cavorting with her MOVIES & PIZZA for a lengthy period will leave you as old and bedraggled as her husband, when she will cast youDear Pete, aside for a younger model.How can I get Simone Perry to show me her boobies? PeteI took her to the movies and even bought her a pizzabut she still wouldn’t show me them. My buddy Mike NOTCHsaid all girls would show you their boobies if you tookthem to the movies and bought them pizza. Do you Dear Pete,think I should have got more topping? I would like to give myself to Bert Milverton, but not ifCal, Phoenix I’m only going to be another notch on his bedpost. Is there any way to ensure this before I concede to hisDear Cal, demands?Young men wishing to gaze upon the busties of young Cathy, Malagaladies must learn patience. Several more applicationsof movie and pizza may be required before a viewing Dear Cathy,is permitted and even then it may be from a distance No absolute guarantees can be given regarding aand require a telescope, as young ladies are well man’s intentions, save that he will divest you of youraware that young men are rarely satisfied with visual garments given the smallest opportunity. I wouldgratification alone and may well attempt manual therefore recommend that you take out an insurancestimulus. policy to ensure that you are not merely being used byPete Mr Milverton. I suggest you find a company which specialises in covering naughty pastimes or, depending on the circumstances of your encounter, HAIR dangerous sports. PeteDear Professor Pete, FISHMy girlfriend has beautiful, long, blonde hair but findstaking care of it very wearisome. She keeps Dear Professor,threatening that one day she will have it all cut off and I find myself incredibly attracted to our local librarian,I worry that she won’t be as attractive with short hair. Lillian Cody, but every time I ask her out she merelyWhat can I do to stop her from cutting her hair? snorts and charges me late return fees. I shouldMarty, Prague ignore her and move on, on the principle that there are many more fish in the seas but the fact is that theDear Marty, seas in our area have been rather over-fished and theMan, that’s an easy one. Just encase her entire head stock is depleted. How can I get her to take mein concrete so that scissors cannot reach her tresses. seriously?Pile her hair up on top of her head first and then George, Lutonmould round in the shape of a helmet. When she issleeping would be a good time. Dear George,Pete Tell her that the area is about to be re-stocked from a fish farm and her chances of being caught in anybody’s net are diminishing rapidly. If she gets YOUTH your drift she is likely to be on you like a great white shark, so be prepared for bites. Alternatively, youDear Prof, could always take up fishing.I am having an affair with an older married woman, Petewhich is a new venture for me. However shecomplains that I am not as well built as her husband, Write to Pete with your problems andnor as accomplished a lover, which makes me wonder he’ll solve them for you.as to why she is cavorting with me. I’ve tried to thinkof an ulterior motive but can’t think of any. Can yousuggest anything?Ross, Chicago CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 10 NORTH KOREA’S KIM JONG-IL SOLVES INTERNATIONAL BAKING CRISISIt has recently come to my knowledge that you capitalist running dogs of the West have been facing up to abaking crisis which is threatening your financial situations and your very way of life. This does not surprise meas you put too much faith and trust in your bakers, unlike we who follow the true path of communism.Nevertheless, I regard it as my duty, as a fellow human being, to advise you on how to resolve this problem.The answer is not to place so much trust and faith in bakers for they are an evil breed, intent only on lining theirown pockets by selling you shoddy bakery products. If such a situation were to occur in my glorious homelandof North Korea, I would have no hesitation in shooting allbakers. I mean by this the shooting of them dead, formere wounds will not suffice. If this were to take severalbullets per baker I would say ‘Hang the expense! Shootthem dead!’ Not until they were very dead would I cease fromshooting them.This would undoubtedly cause a shortage of bakery productsin the short term and I am thinking here especially ofbread, which you call the staff of life, though it is a sillydescription. You can not use bread as a staff. I have triedit and it does not work. This need not be a deal-breaker asI understand that because of your baking crisis many ofyour peasants are unemployed. They should be encouragedto bake at home and therefore feed the nation. As their skillsgrow they may turn their hand to baking buns and you maythus return to eating the burgers with which you pollute yourbodies. The most gifted may even aspire to bake cakes,but these should be kept as plain as possible to avoidencouraging decadence. A cream bun might be permissible or even a small sponge if only a little jam is used.You may say that this is a self-defeating proposal. That the peasants who become bakers will once again holdyou to ransom once they get a taste of power and there is undoubtedly an element of truth in this. But the solutionis already in your hands, in the shape of an AK47. Shoot them all, I say! And it may well be that your peasantswho have ambitions in the baking field will behave themselves and not bring the world to its knees if they knowthat the threat of a quick slug to the back of the head is waiting for them if they get up to their shenanigans again.If you find it difficult to shoot your bakers please do not hesitate to call on the services of the North Korean armedforces who are adept at shooting people in the back of the head. They are available for a nominal fee thoughthey would expect you to provide transport as our truck has an oil leak. Also, bullets.I am aware that N. Korea gets a very bad press in the West and I hope that by aiding you in this way with mymarvellous suggestion you will think more kindly of your communist cousins. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 11 A SITCOM BARMAIDS CAST OF CHARACTERSBIG JOE DONNA NORMA ANNABELLE SUSAN RITA TOMMY “There’s an awful smell in the gentlemen’s toilet,” Joe said to Donna. Donna made a face that signalled her lack of surprise. “There’s always an awful smell in the Gents.” “Maybe so, but I think it calls for a plumber.” This did surprise the Manageress of The Ardent Hedonist and she arched an eyebrow,” Are you sure you don’t just want me to get the tools out, like you usually do?” Joe shook his head. “No, darling, I think this is beyond your plumbing skills. This smells like a broken sewer.” “Plumbers cost money, Joe.” The owner considered the unpleasantness of having to actually spend any of the cash he had worked so hard to earn. “Give him a pint and any leftovers from the kitchen and ask him to send me a bill. When that arrives send him an invoice for twice the amount for the drink and the meal.” “That’s a bit cheeky.” But Joe had no sympathy for thieving tradesmen. “If plumbers can charge what they like, so can I.” At that moment the front door of the bar flew open and Annabel swept in, dressed stylishly as usual, but with a look of thunder on her haughty face. “That cheeky taxi driver told me I had a lovely bottom.” “Not used to compliments, Annabel?” Donna said sourly. Annabel wasn’t sure if she’d been insulted. “Not at all, a gentleman once told me I was wearing a lovely cardigan.” Donna smiled at the older woman. “Yeah, you’ve still got it, hot stuff.” “If you’re going to be common, I’m leaving,” Annabel snorted in response but Donna knew it was an empty threat. She pointed her staff-member to the cloakroom beside the kitchen. “Away and get changed.” AS she departed to get ready for her shift Rita, the newest member of staff, watched her closely. “Who is that?” she asked Susan. The flighty one curled her lip. “That’s Annabel, another one of the barmaids. She’s a stuck-up cow, doesn’t think she should be working in a pub.” This seemed to intrigue the young woman. “So why does she?” Susan loved to gossip, especially about other members of staff. “She was married to Joe’s brother, who’s into CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 12property. Big house, two cars, four holidays a year, and then he went and met some young bird. ThrewAnnabel out to fend for herself.”“So how did she end up in here?”Susan grinned. “Some say Joe took pity on her and offered her the job to help her keep her head abovewater.”Rita waited for the inevitable capper to the tale. “And what do the others say?”Susan’s smile widened gleefully. “That Joe hates his brother and gave her the job just to get up his nose. Youwatch out for her, she’s so grateful to Joe she’ll report you for the smallest thing.”“Like what?”Susan shrugged. “Putting two sugars in your coffee?”Her character assassination was halted as the victim returned and joined Norma. “That new chef seems like anice chap,” she commented.“Forget it, Annabel, there’s no prospective father for your kids there, he’s gay.”Annabel was affronted. “What can you mean? As if I’d marry a chef. Anyway, I just thought he wassensitive, in touch with his feminine side.”“The one thing he won’t touch is feminine,” Norma advised.“I’ve never really understood these gay chaps,” Annabel said wistfully.“That’s because you’re a heterosexual.”This time Annabel was even more insulted. “How dare you! I am not! I’m not sexual at all.” She sniffed at asad memory. “Or at least that’s what hubby used to say.”Norma switched to sympathy mode and handed her a hanky. “ Don’t fret it. With men you’re either not sexyenough or you’re too sexy.”Susan overheard some of this and offered her aid. “Who wants to be too sexy? I can give you lessons.”“I don’t think she’s ready for the advanced stuff yet,” Norma said.“Come on, Annabel,” Susan said cruelly, “You’ll need to loosen up or you’ll never get a man.”“I’m not looking for a man,” Annabel insisted.“She’s looking for a husband,” Norma corrected, “Totally different beast.”“Husbands are easy, I’ve had hundreds of them,” Susan crowed.“I think she means one of her very own.”“You should try a singles night, Annabel, there’s always a few desperateguys out on grab-a-granny night.”This was taking things too far and Annabel retreated to the far end of thebar, shouting behind her, “I don’t work in this den of iniquity to discuss mypersonal life.”“That woman is gagging for it,” Susan said.“Maybe, but she’s not giving it till somebody puts a ring on her finger,”Norma said.“Yeah, and a Mercedes in her driveway.” MORE BARMAIDS NEXT ISSUE CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 13 GENERAL DENIES PLANS TO PRIVATISE ARMYBrigadier General Sir Lancelot Bayonet-Charge of the take place the situations our military men envisageRoyal Smirnoffs has spoken out against rumours that could never occur. Water-tight contracts wouldthe government has plans to privatise the UK armed ensure that once a buyer had bought a soldier or aforces. Speaking at his regimental barracks, Camp tank or a battleship, they could not re-sell until anyReebok, he was emphatic that notions to that effect conflict was concluded.”were the work of the nation’s enemies, aimed at But Sir Bayonet-Charge was not mollified. “Nolowering the morale of the country’s fighting men. soldier, sailor or airman is going to feel comfortable“It’s ridiculous,” he snorted aristocratically, going into battle under the flag of Kentucky Fried“Privatisation would mean that we would be available Chicken, far less give of his best if he feels that he isto the highest bidder as maximising profit for owned by a shoe salesman who happened to buy ashareholders is the sole aim of the capitalist system. few shares in UK Armed Forces plc. Fighting forImagine it, we could be Queen andin the middle of a battle country is oneand an offer of £20 thing, and dyingmillion from the enemy for Vikingmight mean we were Summer Cruisesfighting on their side. It quite another.”would never work and Mr Side-StepI’m sure my colleagues, however insistedGeneral Landmine of that privatisationthe Ford Focus Fusiliers was not a faitand Colonel Limited- accompli. “WeCasualties of the are consideringBoeing Cavalry would agree.” many other options. One of them is for soldiers onHe was joined in his denial by Rear Admiral Earl active service use advertising slogans as inspirationalFrigate-Salty of the Royal Navy, speaking aboard his war cries rather than their traditional ones. So, forflagship HMS Windows 7. “This is a preposterous instance , the Gurkhas, rather than shout theirnotion,” he blustered, “Imagine the effect on an able- traditional ‘Ayo Gurkhali!’ Would shout ‘I’m Loving it!’bodied chap if he’d just fired off his torpedo and then thus gaining immense publicity for MacDonalds.he had to swim out and get it back because we’d Loudspeakers mounted on tanks and helicopterschanged sides. We have got quite enough could also play advertising jingles and bombers couldsponsorship as it is and privatisation would just be a drop fire-proof advertising leaflets along with theirstep too far.” bombs. Think of the positive effects on a chap whose house has just had its roof blown off, when he picksSpokesman for the Ministry of Defence (MOD) up a leaflet and discovers that there’s a sale onCharles Side-Step said, “This is only one of the freezers at Walmart.”options we are considering. The Armed Forces costthe tax-payer a great deal of money and we must look Parliament is to debate the issue next week at thefor other sources of revenue. If privatisation were to Virgin Houses of Parliament. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 14 HITLER SEEKS KNOWLEDGE A LETTER FROM GERMAN DICTATOR, ADOLF HITLER, TO ITALIAN DICTATOR, BENITO MUSSOLINI, HAS RECENTLY BEEN DISCOVERED, WITH SURPRISING REVELATIONS.Dear Duce, There is also the question, of course, of whether itIt was a great pleasure to see you again in Rome is more correct to fondle the left buttock or rightlast week. Once again I was impressed with your first. I would hate to make an elementary error here.fabulous uniform and bald head. I, unfortunately, Some of my Wehrmacht generals favour a pinceronly have my feeble moustache to commend me movement but I am unsure if this is appropriate inand I think where fascist dictators are concerned these circumstances. On the other hand someyou far outshine me. Your hats too are far superior Kriegsmarine admirals favour a sneak approach asto mine. they use with their U boats, but I dont think EvaIt is actually on a subject at the opposite end that I would appreciate a wolf-pack around her netheram writing to you. Being Italian you obviously have regions. Surprisingly, the Japanese ambassadora much better grasp of romantic protocol than we too favours this sneaky approach and has his eyepoor Germans, and I am prepared to bow to your on some strumpet called Pearl Harbour.superior knowledge in advising me as to when is There is also the question of which hand to use, leftthe right time to grasp a ladys bottom. I am or right, and the amount of pressure to exert. Icurrently seeing a young lady, Eva, and am eager usually find that politicians of a democratic natureto grab her by her behind, but am not sure as to crumble with very little pressure but Im not sure ifwhen is the right time in a relationship to effect this. this applies. After all, I do not wish Evas behind toMy previous female companion, my niece Geli, did crumble, but to give pliantly and bounce back likenot require such considerations, as she was a fine Germanic bottomss should. I imagine Italianforward minx and shoved her bottom into my hands, women have resilient bottoms too and I ampractically before I was ready for such intimacy. prepared to let you have a quick fondle of Evas buttEva is a more reserved type and I would hate to if you will allow me the same liberty with Clara. Thisdestroy our budding friendship by grabbing her is the least I can do for an Axis partner. We wontkeister before she is ready. I have tried to intimate involve the Japanese in our little arrangement atto her that I am ready for more by encouraging her this point as I have no particular wish to feel upto grip my behind but I feel that she is not some oriental ass. After half an hour youre hungryresponding to my signals. for another fondle. If you, however, have such aDuce, as you know, the grabbing and caressing of perverted desire, please feel free to make separatebuttocks is an important stage in heterosexual arrangements with Hirohito.human relationships and I long to fondle the behind However the most important issue, as I have stated,of my beautiful Eva, that I have lavished so many is the timing of my move on my targetcream cakes on. I understand that you have a It is of no use asking me to consult my fellowfemale companion, Clara (you old devil, you!) and Nazis such as Goebels and Goerring, as they areperhaps you can recall at what point in your not as randy as we old fascist warlords. In fact, Irelationship you grabbed her tush. Was it after you believe some of them long to fondle my bottomkissed her or after you felt her boobies? And does more than that of a beautiful woman. Any adviceone require to be introduced to the maidens parents you could give me would be gratefully received.before taking this liberty. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 15MAN TO SUE VIRGIN ISLESBritish tourist Bert Symes is to sue the government of the Virgin Isles under the Trades Descriptions Actbecause he claims he could not find any virgins on a recent visit."Its a bloody liberty," said Bert, "They advertises theirselves as the Virgin Isles an its only natural that a manwould expect there to be a whole flock of em, but I couldnt find any to save myself. I went to the main island,Tortola and the capital, Road Town, an there wasnt a single one. Its diabolical."Bert paid £2,000 for his three week visit, a sum he hopes toreclaim."There beaches is nice, Ill give em at," added Bert, "an theweathers nice, but its all wasted when there aint no virgins.Thats the only reason I went, cos I knew there werent no virgins inBradford where I stay. The last one lost hers three years ago, Godbless her, held on to it till she was sixteen, a church-going girl.""This man is silly," said a spokesman for the Virgin Island TouristBoard, "Does he expect to find turkeys in Turkey?""Course I do," admitted a baffled Bert. KLAN APPOINT NEW LEADERThe Ku Klux Klan has their women being seducedappointed its first black Grand by potent black men. But IWizard in recognition of the want them to face their fearselection of Barrack Obama as by encouraging their wives topresident of the United States. take black lovers and thus"We reckoned it wus time," said explode the myth of blackBubba Smith of Alabama, sexuality.""seeing as how it was the Bubba, surprisingly, was intwenty first century nall. We complete agreement. "Mahnot only appointed a black wife, Tallulahbelle, is reallyperson, but a woman as well. looking forward to it. SheHell, we thought we might as even bought hersel a newwell go the whole hawg." dress."The new Grand Wizard of the Another initiative Melodyovertly racist organisation is plans is in remodelling theMelody Mobutu who intends to traditional Klan robes. "Thosemove swiftly to re-invent the white night gowns did nobodyimage of these rednecks. any favours," she insisted."The Klans insecurities lie with "Im sure that Klansmen have very nice bodies and athe fear of the black mans sexuality," Melody said. more tailored cut in pastel shades will be much more"Its perfectly obvious that white men are scared of complimentary." CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
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AMOCK / Page 18 I returned to Baker Street on a cold November evening to find Holms on the floor with Mrs Houston astride his chest and striking at his head with a rolling pin. “Good heavens!” I cried, “Have you taken leave of your senses, Mrs Houston?” I attempted to remover her from atop Holms but she swung at me with the wooden pin and caught me on the temple knocking me clean out. The last thing I recall was Mrs Houston’s shrill voice. “I’ll have my rent, you lazy, THE GREAT good-for-nothing blaggards!” DETECTIVE & When I recovered my senses I was in my chair in our rooms and a young man was entering. He was young but THE CASE OF broken, walking with the aid of two canes supporting his LADY SHATTERLEY’S LOVER thin frame and his face was gaunt. I cleared my head (A Serialised Tale) with a shake and hurried to escort him to my armchair opposite Holms, and myself leant against themantelpiece.Holms gave him the merest of glimpses before clapping a hand to his temple. “You are troubled, young sir.”The stranger gave a shallow grin. “That much, I think, is obvious.”“May I offer you a drink?” I volunteered, feeling sure that a small refreshment would lift the man’s spirits, but heshook his head.“I shall not detain you long, gentlemen. I am Sir Clifford Shatterley of Wrigsby Hall, lately back from the wars,and I fear that I am losing the affections of my wife, Connie, to another man. I shall pay you handsomely todiscover who my rival is.”With that he fell silent and only the ticking of the grandfather clock broke the gloom his words had imparted.Finally Holms lifted his chin. “I am no great expert on maters of the heart, Sir Clifford and these are not thetypes of matters I normally take an interest in but as you are a wounded veteran, it gives me pause. What wouldbe your intentions if I were to discover who this fellow was?”Sir Clifford smiled grimly. “Oh no, dear sir, if you imagine that I intend to shoot the scoundrel dead, you are muchmistaken. My wounds are such that I am not long for this world. I love Connie with all my heart and it grievesme that I shall leave her a widow so young. My hope was that she would find someone else to love, but if shealready has, I must ensure that he is the right type of character.”I was appalled. “But how can you behave so nobly when you suspect that she is already playing you unfairly?”Sir Clifford turned his head up to me and I noticed that his eyes were the palest blue I’d ever seen in a man.“You do not know my Connie, sir, she is the most delightful thing and anybody who could think ill of her must bein league with the devil. Her happiness after I am gone is all that matters to me.”Holmes had been sucking on his pipe during this interchange but now turned the mouthpiece towards our visitor.“It seems to me, Sir Clifford, that if things are as you say they are, there should be no great difficulty in simplyasking your wife who this man is.A dark cloud shadowed the young man’s face. “It is not so simple, she admits to nothing.”“And yet you suspect …?” Holms interjected. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 19“There have been indications.”“And she repays your nobility with lies,” I snorted.The young man reached out and patted my arm. “ Fabrication is beyond Connie’s nature and I am not so callousthat I would question her directly. I cannot but allow her this little secret but my desire to ensure her future meansI must discover the fellow’s identity by other means.”“My means,” Holms said.“Exactly,” Mr Holms. Your abilities are legendary throughout the land.”“And large parts of Europe,” Holms added unexpectedly, showing a rare flash of bluster.“Indeed,” the young man replied, with a small bow, “So you will take my charge?”“We shall be at Wrigsby Hall on the morrow,” Holms answered, holding out his hand to the young veteran.I helped the crippled man up with his canes and inquired, “What excuse shall we give for our visit, Holms?”“You will simply be my house guests,” the young man insisted, taking hold of his sticks and pulling himself erect.“But Sherman Holms is known as the greatest detective that ever lived,” I cried. “Someone in your householdmust wonder at his attendance.”The young man hesitated. “We must perpetrate a ruse then. There has been a deal of chicken rustling on myestate. Perhaps I could say you were there to investigate that.”“I doubt that stolen chickens would justify the presence of Sherman Holms.”“They were prize chickens!” Sir Clifford insisted.Holms waved a hand that calmed. “You shall be there attending to Sir Clifford’s medical needs, Wilson, and Ishall be there merely as your companion, taking the country air.”It was settled and the squire of Wrigsby Hall departed, leaving Holms and I to our tobacco.“I doubt there’ll be much mystery in this,” I said, “and no great need for your unique talents.”But Holms’s brows furrowed. “There may be more to this than meets the eye, Wilson. It may take all of mypowers to discover the rogue who is Lady Shatterley’s lover.”The following day, aboard the Virgin train to Derbyshire, Holms and I fell to discussing what had brought us tothe 21st century from the Victorian era into which we had been born.“That brute Moriarty and his infernal time machine!” I complained.“An idea he got from a novella by a certain Herbert George Wells. But, I don’t know, Wilson, old boy, I quite likethis modern age,” Holms confessed.“But to throw us into the future just so he could continue his criminal career,” I insisted, still yearning for my dearand long-gone Mary.Holms grinned broadly, a rare sight. “Which he never did.”“But how can you know?” I demanded.“Because mention of him would be in the historical record,” Holms explained.“And there is none?”“Quite the contrary. According to Wikipedia, Professor Moriarty perished by eating an excess of shish kebabsin a Turkish restaurant in Soho on the 12th of July 1897.”“But that is the very day we were propelled into the future!” I exclaimed. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 20“Exactly, the good professor did not live long enough to relish our demise and his criminal enterprises endedwith him. He seemingly went out to dine after luring us into that metallic cabinet and the cuisine of our orientalfriends proved too much for him.”“I shall relish shish kebabs all the more because of this,” I said triumphantly.“I’d rather you didn’t,” was Holms’ only comment, “you’re putting on weight.”We thundered through the grey countryside, the diesel electric putting the steam machines of my own era toshame by way of speed. In comfort too they were far superior and in the buffet car we dined on comestiblesunknown in our own time. Ere long we had pulled into Wrigsby station and were met by Sir Clifford’s Bentley,though that esteemed gentleman was himself absent.“Sir Clifford sends his apologies,” the driver explained, “but he is engaged on estate work this morning and sayshe will see you at lunch. I’m to take you up to the Hall and see you settled.”“And your name, driver?” Holms, ever alert, asked.“My name is Millars, sir, and I’m not the driver, I’m the gamekeeper. Sir Clifford’s driver is abed with the influenza.”“Gamekeeper, eh?” I queried, “And what sort of game is there on the estate? Deer? Pheasant?”Millars opened the rear door of the large automobile for us and said, “You are misinformed as to the nature ofWrigsby Hall, gentlemen. It is a casino and I am steward on the door there. Calling me a gamekeeper is SirClifford’s little joke.”“Ha, a wit,” Holms exclaimed and the thought seemed to amuse him, for a vague smile played about his lipsduring the short journey to the Shatterley’s ancestral home, now converted into a den of vice.Once I was settled into my room, I quickly fired up my laptop and established that there was wi-fi on the premises.Within moments I had used Google to find what I was looking for and the knowledge drove me immediately toHolms’ room.“The man’s a fraud,” I declared.Holms turned from unpacking his shirts and gave me a quizzical smile. “Really?”“There is no record of a Shatterley in the British armed forces, not since the Somme,” I announced, proud thatI’d outshone my esteemed colleague for once.Holms lay back on his bed and beckoned me to take a chair. “Shatterley never said he was in the British armedservices, he merely said that he was back from the wars. We assumed that he was a veteran.”“But you called him that and he never contradicted you.”“In which case he might have been in the special forces and there would be no mention of him.”I paused to allow what Holms had said sink in. “Shatterley in the SAS? Doesn’t seem the type.”“His physique certainly doesn’t suggest a military superman but who is to know what trials and tribulations hemight have suffered.”“Whatever he is, he should have told us.”“Why, Wilson, last night you were lauding his nobility.”“I didn’t know about this damn casino then. Another thing he didn’t mention. I had imagined Wrigsby Hall to besome credit to our nation’s aristocracy.”Holms let out a snort of laughter. “Oh, Wilson, you are such a snob! And trapped in the past too. We are in the21st century now and must adapt to modern ways. No tugging of the forelock nowadays, I think.”I knew in my heart that Holms was right, yet I still hankered after the settled order of things, the world I knew.“He should have told us about the casino,” I said petulantly. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 21“He has a sense of humour, Wilson, and perhaps he wanted to surprise us.”“But the loss of his wife’s affections is hardly a matter for humour.”“All men differ,” Holms said solemnly, “and how they deal with tragedy differs with them. We should not judge,Wilson, that is not what we have been employed to do. Merely to discover whom Lady Shatterley has transferredher attentions to.”“And thereby pay Mrs Houston her overdue rent.”“Precisely.” DISCOVER IF THE GREAT DETECTIVE CAN DISCOVER THE IDENTITY OF LADY SHATTERLEY’S MYSTERIOUS LOVER IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT.SEATTLE COUPLE TO BE TAUGHT HOW TO HAVE SEXA young Seattle couple are to Their medic, Dr Ram Din, admittedbe taught how to make love that he had been surprised by theproperly after four years of trying Seedlesss unusual lovemakingfor a baby. style. "Usually I just encourage"The manual said the dominant couples to do what feels good forpartner was to get on top," Don them and its obvious that Don andSeedless insisted, "and as Helga were having a good time,Helga is considerably bigger but there was no way on Godsthan me, we just assumed it earth that Helga was going to getmeant her." pregnant by mounting Don from"We tried and tried," his wife behind. I had to explain the basicsagreed, "but I just couldnt get of eggs and sperm to them and thepregnant. I really love Don and idea of how the two are broughtwere desperate to start a family. together. They were quiteOur doctor asked us about our surprised."sexual activity and, though Im "I just feel foolish," said Don, "Irather shy, I mounted Don and gave him a good knew my winkle came into the equation somewhere,seeing to. Thats when the doctor told us we were but I thought it was just to anchor me to the bed. Wedoing it wrong." both work for Microsoft." CAR RUNS ON MILKA Swiss engineer has invented a car which he claims can run on milk. Pierre Chocolat, who once worked forFerrari, and now runs an eco-dairy in his native Lausanne, said, "It is a fantasticachievement and will solve all of the worlds energy problems. The idea came to me afterI fell off an Alp while climbing. I struck my head but when I regained consciousness I realisedthat the first form of energy we take in, is milk. And if man can run on milk, so can machine.""You can get forty miles to the gallon," added Chocolat, "unless you are using semi-skimmed, in which case you will get less. One cow can provide you with more than enoughmilk for a days driving. If you keep a cow you can fuel your car and still have enough leftfor your coffee and cornflakes. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 22 HOW TO BE A MASTER CRIMINALThe annals of fiction are full of master criminals and her nature would help also as she will, not doubt,evil geniuses. From Sherlock Holmes’ Professor require to vamp it up the hero in an attempt to distractMoriarty to James Bond’s Doctor him. Do budget for extra-longNo, to Superman’s Lex Luthor, false eyelashes.each dashing hero must have a The last requirement, andworthy nemesis to prove his possibly the most important, is acredentials. masterplan, for without one youYet, for the budding ne’er-do-well are no more than dilettante andmastermind there is little guidance not really serious abouton how to proceed with such a subjugating mankind. Thecareer. After one tires of robbing hijacking of nuclear missiles, thepost offices and breaking into raiding of Fort Knox, thesupermarkets the ambitious felon is kidnapping of senior politicians,left to his own devices as to how to should all be considered, but areprogress. Here, therefore, is a brief all a little passé in this modernguide which those with a lust for world domination day and age. Our modern miscreant marvel is moremight wish to consider. likely to be hacking into the networks of the world’s major military powers and confounding their firewalls.Firstly, one requires a suitably demonic name. Joe Not as visual but this isn’t a movie, after all.Smith just isn’t going to cut it in the big league. Tryand go for something that is likely to strike terror into Demands of billions of dollars should now be made tothe general populace, and a title is almost mandatory. the UN and a deadline set. This should all be doneDr Death, Lord Larceny, Baron Beastly, that sort of according to a pre-established timetable, child’s plaything. to one who has a brain the size of a planet and the morals of a rabid rat. Your adversary, the hero, willThe next requirement is for a criminal lair and the no doubt try to interfere with your plans at this point.more outlandish its location, the better. Icebergs, He will, at some point, fall into your clutches and it isvolcanoes, desert islands or remote castles are more imperative that you do not imprison him, torture him orthan suitable. question him. Shoot him dead the minute he turns up.Thirdly one will require a henchman or sidekick. He Don’t leave it your hirelings, just take a gun and shootshould be immensely physically powerful and him dead on the spot. Many potential greats havehopefully have some feature such as metal teeth or a failed in their dreams because they have allowed thissteel-rimmed bowler hat to mark him out. It is he who do-gooder to work out a way to escape and call up thewill have to wrestle with the hero, as you are the cavalry.brains behind the operation, not the muscle, known Following this recipe should set you up well as amore for your ability to plan destruction rather than criminal mastermind.deliver a right uppercut. Good luck with your career and do let us know howFourthly you will need a moll. Pretty but stupid is you get on.probably an apt description. A touch of the floozy in CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
AMOCK / Page 23 SHARON: I broke up with Sleazy Simon. JULIE: You said he doted on her! JULIE: Thank God, I knew he wasn’t right for SHARON: Not since she ran away with a car you. salesman. Sorry, I meant to tell you SHARON: Mebbe, but it probably means I’m going about that. to end up an old maid. JULIE: This is starting to sound sordid. JULIE: Gerroff, you’re younger than me. SHARON: It gets worse. He told me he’d always SHARON: Oh right, three months. been attracted to younger women, and JULIE: You’ve got years ahead of you. Plenty how pretty I was … of time to find Mr Right. JULIE: Stop, stop, I can’t listen to no more. SHARON: Oh, they’re all Mr Right, it’s just that SHARON: I think he fancies me. they want me to do wrong. JULIE: ‘Course he fancies you, you idiot. JULIE: Men, they’re all dirty devils. You’re young, fresh, meat to a dirty , SHARON: Licorice, that’s what they are, licorice. old, pervo like him. JULIE: I think you mean lecherous, sweets. SHARON: Well, I never encouraged him. I told SHARON: Whatever. (SOBS) him the differences between us was JULIE: Now, don’t you go fretting over Sleazy too great, me being five one and him Simon, he wasn’t good enough for you. being six foot three with a 36” inside SHARON: No, it’s not that I cared or nothing, but I leg. was having a little blub about it, just JULIE: Good for you. What did he say? because I thought I should, y’know, SHARON: Said he’d have his legs surgically and Mr Scrutton caught me and when I shortened. told him all about it he got all interested JULIE: You’re kidding. and started fiddling about with his SHARON: I think he means it. pants. Like a crazed man he was. JULIE: Nah, he’s just acting the fool, trying to JULIE: What on Earth did you tell him? cheer you up. Mebbe he’s not a pervo SHARON: Just about Simon trying it on, putting after all. his hand on my leg and that. SHARON: Are you sure, he’s got me worried, all JULIE: He is licorice, that one. that fiddling with his trousers. SHARON: And then he grabbed my head and JULIE: No, relax, he’s not going to have his pulled it towards him and started legs cut off for you. patting my hair. Said he was SHARON: So, he doesn’t fancy me? comforting me. JULIE: No, he’s joking you, trying to lift your JULIE: Comforting himself, more like. spirits. SHARON: Started telling me about his problems SHARON: Hope so, because he’s proposing with his wife. buying me stilts. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITECATCH UP WITH MORE OF SHARON AND JULIE’S PHONE CONVERSATIONS IN THE NEXT ISSUE.
YOUR STARS WITH MYSTIC MABELCapricorn - December 22- January 20 Aquarius - January 21 – February 19Is your husband a lousy lover, Rain will be your downfall this month.Capricorn? Mine is. It’s no wonder I Don’t step in puddles and I’m notdrink. Of course, I have a special being metaphorical.friend. Do you?Pisces - February 20 – March 20 Aries - March 21- April 20That problem with wind should have You’ve been overeating again, haven’tresolved itself by now so you can enter you? What have I told you? Get thatthe romantic fray again, but do take French fry our of your mouth. Now! Iyour time in case there are any residual won’t tell you again.effects.Taurus - April 21- May 21 Gemini - May 21- June 21The alignment between Uranus and Ladies called Norma who are bornMars means that your financial chart is under the sign of Gemini will need toin good shape. Time to splurge on be careful of men called Lance thisnew shoes, I think. month. They’re only after one thing and you know you haven’t got it any more.Cancer - June 22 – July 23 Leo - July 24 – August 23Beware of plasma screen televisions Try not to have sex with casualand rocket propelled grenades until strangers any more. It’s verymid month. After that you can eat distressing to the others in the zoo thatcheese safely. you’ve ignored.Virgo - August 24 – September 23 Libra - September 24- October 23Beer is the answer to losing your job. Relatives will disappoint you thisI don’t mean getting drunk, I mean month. Grannies dropping dead whengetting a job in a brewery. Then you you’re due to go on vacation arecan get drunk. always a bummer.Scorpio - October 24 – November 22 Sagittarius - November 23 – December 21The tall blonde who winked at you inthe elevator isn’t worth pursuing. His Everything that happened to you lastname’s Ken and he likes dressing that month will repeat itself. The stars areway because of his war experiences. like that sometimes, lazy buggers.
AMOCK / Page 25 BEE FARTS FOR GOOD SKINA Scientist has discovered that bee farts can be good bees produce such health giving products as honey andfor your skin, a recent report states. The report, royal jelly it was quite possible that their farts too wouldcommissioned by the National Gullible Institute, is the have medicinal qualities. It was a hell of a job collectingwork of Prof. Ralph Dubious who is the farts and just as difficult to get my wife to apply themhimself, a beekeeper. to her face, but the effects were almost immediate. She"I started off with the question of now has the skin of a sixteenwhether bees fart at all," he said at year old and is keen to rub beethe launch of the report, "and soon farts on her bottom. I am nowrealised that, like every other trying to teach my bees to fart onanimal, they had a digestive command so I can go intosystem, and where you have a digestive commercial production. It will besystem, you have farting. I then conjectured that as an expensive product because bees dont fart much. " Lismore, "male or female." LESBIANS HOLD KISS-INThe League of Interracial Lesbians (LIL) is to hold a A Metropolitan Police spokeswoman said they did notkiss-in this Saturday in Londons Trafalgar Square. expect any trouble, but that if any erupted they had aTheir aim is to highlight the high level of discrimination crack squad of policewomen on standby to deal withthat they feel interracial lesbians suffer. any problems. Police leave has been cancelled."We are totally ignored," said co-president and Avon Voluntarily.lady, Juicy Lismore. "Of the millions of porn sites onthe internet, only a few specialise in interracial PEEPER RELEASEDlesbianism, which is becoming increasingly popular. Convicted peeping-tom, Reg Ogler (72), has beenGovernment action is needed. There should be funding released from prison after a forty year term. Histo promote interracial lesbians." extended sentence was due to his habitual re-offendingThe Lick-In will consist of members of LIL kissing in spying on fellow prisoners and prison warders inmembers of the general public in an effort to focus bathrooms and showers.peoples thoughts on the problem. "I have very catholic tastes, Ill peep on anybody," Ogler,"We will not kiss men, we are lesbians," added Calista from Wolverhampton, said.Hunnycutt, Lismores partner, co-president and a truck Oglers career as a peeper started when he was sevendriver. "Not even transvestites or ladyboys will get a years old and started spying on his teachers.kiss. We have very strict rules. Bisexuals and the "It was Miss Lovesit, shes the one that set me off. Sawbi-curious will also not be kissed. Those coming along her on the loo. Bum and everything. Then it was myto be kissed by a practising lesbian should ensure that family. My sisters and aunties mostly. Saw the localthey are clean and are wearing attractive underwear. vicar and his missus at it. And Mr Jones, the It would also be nice if greengrocer, he had a whopper. Mrs Stiles at number they were pretty" forty two, stunning pair. Young Kathy Lemon, just when "Definitely no she was filling out, lovely." politicians," concluded Ogler plans to celebrate his release by going on a sightseeing tour. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
Former U.S. President George W. Bush is to take up a new career in natural history when he takes up his postas a TV presenter. He will become an ape to give an insiders view of life in the African lowlands."This is not a man in a monkey suit," insisted programme producer, Gene Hackfish, "this is quality television withplastic surgery and hair implants."But apehood was not the former Presidents first choice ashe explained. "I wanted to be a horses ass because thats ajob Im familiar with."But Hackfish convinced Bush that horses were not indigenousto the area, whereas gorillas were, and Bush bore a more thanpassing resemblance to an ape."Weve given him a crash course in gorilla behaviour,which wasnt too hard for him to take in because basically allthey do is eat bananas and scratch their genitals," the producer said. "The interactivity with the other primateswill make fascinating viewing. Im sure viewers will be dying to see if Bush can screw up Africa the way he didAmerica."We have made him a male, but subservient to the silverback, who leads the troop, who would have killed himotherwise," added Hackfish, "but with this strategy all he has to worry about is being mounted by the silverbacknow and again who will aim to prove his dominance. But Mr. Bush has nothing to worry about as gorillas havevery small penises by human standards.""Thats the clever word for dicks, you know," Mr. Bush said, wisely.NY WOMAN HAS ALIEN KIDThree year old Zebogs father is an alien named Voldo, says his mom, New York’s IreneMaine."Voldo won the right to mate with me in a competition," she explained, "Hes a native ofProxima Centauri and a travel company there posed the question of why Earthwomenwere so attractive. Voldo said it was because were easy and he won! Isnt that romantic."Brushing her blonde hair from her, eyes Irene continued, "He picked me up in hisshuttlecraft and took me up to his mothership. Its so big they have restaurants andeverything. We had a lovely meal of Sentidge and Freth and then went back to his quarters. We sat and talkedfor, oh, at least two minutes before he took me in his three strong arms. Hes a very important man on ProximaCentauri because he owns a wosgul manufacturing plant, which I found very impressive. Voldo made love tome in the Proxima Centaurean way which I found painful at first until I learned to relax. You may find it strangethat I managed to get pregnant by a non-human but Voldos species have adaptive sperm and he told me hecould get any mammal on Earth pregnant."On Zebogs human appearance she explained, "His alien characteristics wont come through till he reachespuberty, but Im sure hell have a fine pair of horns, just like his father."
AMOCK / Page 27 HOW TO DEAL WITH BEING INCREDIBLY HANDSOME“Many ladies have asked me to have a look at their understand what women wanted from me. If I’d kissedsocket up in their bedroom,” says electrician, Reg every girl who asked me for one at school I wouldn’tGorgeous. It is the price he has to pay for being have any lips left. So, I started wearing hats and falseextremely good-looking, but it’s not something he takes beards and suchlike to try and escape their attentions.advantage of. “I’m happily married,” he explained, “So But women have a special instinct which kicks in whenI normally send Young Horace, my apprentice, up to there’s a handsome man around. I’d be walking downdeal with their needs. As an electrician the street in my fedora and false beard,I’m very aware of the dangers of getting looking like any other Joe, and the cryones wires crossed, so I have to be would go up, ‘There’s Reg Gorgeous!’careful.” And before I knew it there would be a pack of them trailing after me aMen such as Reg face a daily assault whooping and a hollering. Lucky I wasfrom women eager to be with them, just in the sprint team or they’d have tornbecause they happen to be handsome me to shreds.”and according to Reg, good looks are amixed blessing. “My good looks got me Reg went on to explain that good looksmy wonderful wife, Noleen,” he don’t exactly run in his family. “Myelaborated, “but they also cause me cousin, Bert, is a hunch-back and myproblems as I am constantly pursued by brother Tony has a squint, so I guesswomen. Age doesn’t come into it, as they can vary from I just got lucky when the genetic cards were dealt. Itheir teens right up to their seventies. And whether wasn’t always so handsome and had a lot of spots asthey’re married or in a relationship doesn’t matter either. a kid but I grew out of it and now I’m reckoned to be oneThe minute they see my handsome visage they’re of the handsomest men in the western hemisphere.”smitten. I saw one woman in the mall last week who But Reg’s troubles don’t end with over-amorous womenshoved her partner through a plate glass window the because gay men find him just as attractive. “I can’tminute she spotted me. Trying to pretend she was walk down the street without them wolf-whistling at me.single, y’see. The gay community has become more visible as moreReg accepts that wife, Noleen, has just as much trouble and more of them come out of the closet. Traffic copsdealing with other women as he does. “She’s not really are the worst. They’ll pull me over fro speeding andthe jealous type,” he said, “but what’s she meant to do then suggest I do them a ‘favour’ to avoid the ticket. It’swhen women are mailing their underwear to me or disgusting. No, being handsome isn’t any cakewalk.sending me photographs of their naughty bits. It upsets You’ve got to be constantly on your guard, trying toher because their naughty bits are often far superior to ensure that people want to know you for who you reallyNoleen’s and she fears she could lose me to some are and not just because you’re a pretty face.”wanton hussy, even though I’ve told her that otherwomen don’t interest me. I’m a one -woman man.” OUR LEGAL DEPARTMENT HAS ADVISED US THAT PUBLISHING A PICTURE OF REG MIGHT LEAD TO CLAIMS AGAINST US FOR DAMAGEDReg admits, however, that when he was younger he MONITOR SCREENS AS READERS RUSHED TOwould often adopt bizarre strategies to avoid female KISS HIS IMAGE. THE PHOTOGRAPH ACCOMPANYING THIS ARTICLE IS, THEREFORE,attention. “Puberty was real bad because I didn’t NOT OF REG, BUT OF YOUNG HORACE. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
SHORT STOR Y COMPETITIONHere’s a competition for the comedy writers amongst you, with the winner getting aFREE website from Novel2ebook.com. Here’s the deal -1. The short story must be between 1,000 and 2,000 words.2. It can be any genre but must have a strong comedy element and be suitable for ageneral audience.3. It must be submitted as a MS Word file with the title and author’s name and e-mailaddress at the top of the script.4. The deadline is 28th February 2012.5. The winner will be judged on the strength of the story and the quality of the writingand humour.6. Winners will be announced in the February 2012 edition of E-Book Review.7. The winner will get - A 20 page website designed and built by Novel2Ebook. Adomain name of your choice (subject to availability) complete with hosting for a year.8. All entrants grant first digital publishing rights for their entry to Amock. Anysubmissions used within the magazine will receive a fee.9. The editor’s decision is final.10. No correspondence will be entered into.Send submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org with Short Story Submission in theSubject field. TEACHER VOTED MOST POPULARCoventry teacher, Doreen Michaels (44) has been voted the most popular teacher in England by her pupils.Doreen has been teaching fifteen year old boys English and History at Langley High School for the past tenyears."Im delighted with this award," she said yesterday. "It just goes to prove that myteaching methods are effective. I try to engage with my boys and show them thateducation can be interesting and entertaining as well as informative.""Shes the tops," said pupil Billy Wilson. "We always look forward to our lessonswith Mrs Michaels because she makes the lessons so interesting. Other teacherscan be boring but when Mrs Michaels is teaching every eye is fixed on her.Doreen won the award in competition with teachers in every secondary school inEngland. Pupils not only had to vote but give their reasons for finding a teacherpopular."We just said that she was friendly and very aware of the essential needs of fifteenyear old boys," added Billy. "She knows what we like, and thats why we like her."Mrs Michaels is devoted to 60s fashion and likes to wear mini skirts.
AMOCK / Page 29 THE ORIGINS OF CREATIVE WRITINGHow did creative writing begin? Don’t quote us on this, because it’s not gospel. Anyway, many years a go a little guy, let’s call him Tom, who was homeless and hope-less, spent his time wandering from ancient village to ancient village, trying to scrape a living byselling his labour. But times were hard and Tom found himself on the brink of starvation whenhe arrived at Betaville one day. The good folk of Betaville were in an uproar as they had heard ofa terrible tragedy in Alphaville the previous week, butno-one knew the facts as no-one from Betaville hadbeen to Alphaville for a while because it was a twoday ride to Alphaville and Betaville’s only ass wasoff her feed. “But I’ve just come from Alphaville,” Tomcried.“Really?” the townsfolk said, “Tell us what happened.”“It was the blacksmith, old Fergus,” Tom said, “He waswild with drink and murdered two men and hurt a goat.”“Tragedy!” the townsfolk intoned and crowded round Tom for further details,which he was happy to supply. He talked long into the night and when he ended there weremany offers of food, drink and a bed for the night. Tom was delighted. The next day Tom travelled on to Gammaville and immediately announced that there hadbeen a great tragedy in Alphaville.“What,” said the remote inhabitants of Gammaville, “We never heard about that.”“It’s true,” Tom insisted, and retold the story as he had told it in Betaville. The residents ofGammaville were as entranced as their neighbours, and once again Tom was plied with hospital-ity. This is a bit of alright, Tom thought. The next day Tom moved on to Deltaville. “Four men murdered in Alphaville,” he shouted,“A goat hurt and three virgins pregnant.”“Never,” said the residents of Deltaville, and Tom knew he was in trouble because it was wellknown that there never ever were three virgins in Alphaville at any one time.“My mistake, “ he corrected himself, “Four men murdered, one goat hurt and three visiting vir-gins impregnated.”“Tell us more,” they cried and Tom took the fateful step from a purveyor of news to a fullyfledged storyteller.“It happened like this …” Tom began and as the ale flowed, the tale of Fergus the blacksmithgrew to encompass a pack of barbarians, a sheepdog called Corky, the eating of a haycart, andthe three virgins had been transformed into an entire nunnery. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
But as he lay in his comfortable, and free, bed that night Tom worried that his memorynot being what it was, it was more than likely that he would forget the true story and every ver-sion that derived from it. Best to write it down, he thought. Centuries passed and Tom’s script, which Tom had been paid millions of dollars to writedown, came to a cinema multiplex near you. So, learn this wisdom, dear budding writers, fiction is not fact, it is exaggeration of theworst sort and if Tom could do it, so can you.Both sides, the allies and the Axis, used deception during their conflict in World War 2 and some of these havebecome well-known through the medium of film. Best known, perhaps, are The Man Who Never Was, I WasMonty’s Double and The Wooden Horse. Less well known is the tale of the Allies building a fake airfield out ofwood to divert Luftwaffe bombers from bombing the nearby real one. It obviously didn’t pass muster as theGermans responded by dropping a wooden bomb on it. Also possibly apocryphal is the story of the RAF’s effortsto disguise the fact that they had radar byclaiming their pilots’ unerring ability totrack down enemy bombers was theirincredible night vision caused by eatingcarrots.But all of these pale into insignificancewhen the truth behind the true deceptionsof World War II are revealed.Who would have believed, forinstance, that the British tried to let theNazis know that they had recruited abattalion for their army from the Wanigatribe of Northern India. These animistnatives were said to have mastered theart of killing their enemies just byshouting at them. The truth was that the Waniga were a very small tribe and would never have been able tomuster the numbers to form a battalion. Also, only one of their number could actually perform the claimed featand he had to be drunk to manage it.The Italians tried to get in on the act by claiming that they had a device which turned their battleships invisible.This was to explain the successes of their midget submarine operations against the Royal Navy.Not to be outdone the Japanese said they were giving the Imperial Army hydraulically powered stilts whichallowed them to march at 35 MPH, and were especially useful in the boggy Burmese terrain. This is thought tohave been a reaction to boost Japanese soldiers’ morale as they were mostly of smaller stature to their foes.America tried to inspire its GIs by telling them each and every one would get the personal attention of a pneumaticnurse if they were wounded. War may be hell, but it would have been a lot less fun without a healthy dose ofdeception. It’s the kind of soldiering that would suit us just fine.
AMOCK / Page 31 HOMOSEXUALS DISBANDEDThe legendary British Army regiment, The Queens OwnHomosexuals is to be disbanded. The announcementwas made by the Ministry of Defence who insisted thatthis was not due to military budget cuts."Absolutely not, even though it costs us more to kit outa homosexual, what with handbags and so on. Thething is, that in this day and age gay types are permittedin the armed forces, and therefore a specialistHomosexual regiment is no longer required."The regiment, affectionately known as the Homos, wasformed by Oliver Cromwell as part of his New ModelArmy and subsequently gained royal patronage. They Recruiting sergeant checks buttocks of young Homosexual cadet.have seen action in public lavatories throughout theworld, wherever the British Army has served. Their finest hour was in the Zulu Wars, which led to their famousbattle cry, They dont like it up em. UGLIES REUNITEDIdentical twins, Jim and John Ugly, have been reunited after being separated at birth. They were adopted by twodifferent families on separate sides of the world, Australia and Greenland. Now, aged 46, thehave met up following an internet search. "Its amazing," said Jim, "John and I have so many similarities despite our different upbringings. We both drink beer, watch TV and like women." "But I like men too, " John corrected. "Yes, well, apart from that," Jim added. "Were both printers and are married with two kids, both boys." "Im not too sure about my Ralph," John interjected, "He likes dolls." "We both drive Fords," Jim insisted, "and both our wives have red hair and are sluts." "My Shirley is not a slut, just a bit flirty" John said. “Well, we both live in three bedroom houses.”“Normal with four people in the family.”“We both like spicy food.”“I like Mexican and you like Indian.”“We both wear eye glasses.”“I’m short-sighted and you’re long-sighted.”“Okay, we both like arguing.”“Can’t fault you there, bro.”They plan to have both families meet at a neutral venue. CLICK TO VISIT THE AMOCK WEBSITE
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