Silence, finger pointing, and blame; a survivor's guide for a workplace (and world) in conflict

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Silence, finger pointing, and blame; a survivor's guide for a workplace (and world) in conflict

  1. 1. Silence, Finger-Pointing, and Blame; A Survivor’s Guide for a Workplace (and World) in Conflict R. W. Burke © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  2. 2. “Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same, but you leave ‘em all over everything you do.” ~ Elvis Presley © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  3. 3. It Starts With Values… “Learning people, starts with learning people’s values.” Please complete the Values Assessment © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  4. 4. How are your values being expressed in your life? •“And for most of us, our values become the method by which we measure ourselves, and others.” •“Consequently, from the most hopeful point-of-view, they serve as an ideal.” •“From the most negative perspective, a judgment.” © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  5. 5. “If you don’t understand someone’s values, you won’t understand their behavior.” First – • Think about a time that brings out your worst… • A time that turns you into that person you don’t want to be, but are anyway… Next – •Write down everything you can remember about the situation…time of day, people involved, smells, sounds, etc. Put yourself back in that moment. © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  6. 6. We all experience conflict… • In the moment you described, which of your values have been offended? • Identify the emotion that was expressed. • Explain how you reacted. © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  7. 7. Reactions – “the words you say that you can’t get back.” •Victim – •Withdraws •“I Lose” mentality •Feels powerless, helpless •Self-pity •Stops communicating •Conflict – •Lashes out •“I Win” mentality •Feels defensive, combative •Anger •Argumentative © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  8. 8. Understanding default reactions… •If you believe you reacted as a Victim, take a moment and write down how you would have acted and sounded if you reacted in Conflict. •If you believe you reacted in Conflict, take a moment and write down how you would have acted and sounded if you reacted as a Victim. © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  9. 9. Interrupting the reaction… • You can easily learn to interrupt your default reactions by practicing techniques that work for you… • Take a deep breath. Breath in and breath out. A deep breath takes about six seconds. • Count to ten by Mississippi’s (One Mississippi, two Mississippi…) or One Thousand’s (One One Thousand, Two One Thousand…) © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  10. 10. Before transforming reactions into responses… • Difficult Problems – Good understanding of the problem, agreement about the solution. The only thing missing is action. • Complicated Problems – Requires broad social consensus and technical expertise. • Complex Problems – When no one “right” solution exists • Wicked Problems – The problem defies definition • Super Wicked Problems – The people that want to solve the problem also create it. © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  11. 11. Owning the reaction, changes things… • Given the situation you identified earlier, you have explored reacting as a Victim and in Conflict. • Now, let’s explore how your best self would respond differently. • How would you act and sound when responding in a manner that you would be proud of? • What response to the interaction could you imagine that would have both parties not left “feeling less” for it? © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  12. 12. When you are no longer ruled by your emotions, you will… • Step One – Identify situations that “push your buttons.” • Step Two – Recognize what values have been offended. • Step Three – Acknowledge the emotion that results and how you tend to react (default reaction). • Step Four – Interrupt the reaction (take a breath, count to ten). • Step Five – Transform your reaction (negative) into a response (positive). © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  13. 13. In the future, you will… • The next time the situation arises, you will react. Don’t be disappointed. After you’ve reacted, you’ll recognize that you reacted. You’ll wish you’d have handled it better. • The time after that, you will interrupt your reaction. You will take a breath and you will respond. You will be proud of how you handled it. • You will develop radar that alerts you to situations that tend to “spin you up.” You will get ahead of those situations. You will not react. You won’t have to. You’ll have managed it before it happened. © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  14. 14. My sincere hope for you… •Increased self-awareness; •Increased other-awareness; •Peace in your day; •Peace in your life; •Peace in your work. © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved
  15. 15. “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” ~ Mother Teresa © 2013 – 2014, by Richard W. Burke. All Rights Reserved

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