Fighting zombies is hard, buying a car shouldn’t be. At Tonkin, we make both easy.
The best way to fight zombies is to never enter into combat with them.Easier said than done – but when hoards of ravenous reanimated beingsare beating down your door, you’ll need to use your brain and act fast!The best defense is always good offense, so we recommend equipping yourroof with a High T orsion Beef Propulsion System, AKA “Meat Catapult.”Simply construct the catapult to the specs outlined below, load the beef andlet ‘er rip. In no time you’ll be chumming zombies away from your propertyand over to the neighbors, whom you never really liked anyway. B. 20-30 LBS BEEF BALL D. LAUNCHING ARM C. WINCH A. TRIGGER fig 1: Meat Catapult TONKIN TIP #35 When you go to T onkin.com, you can browse the complete inventory of all 17 Tonkin dealerships. Plus, we even deliver your vehicle right to your door, so you’ll never have to worry about leaving the cozy confines of your fortified zombie bunker. That is until you decide to go for that leisurely Sunday drive thru zombie country.
It’s common knowledge that zombies love fabric softener. Following reanimation, a zombie’s olfactory sense is at a heightened state. Zombies can’t get enough of clothes that smell like sweet morning rain. If you don’t want to attract unwanted zombie traffic, be sure to air-dry your laundry the old fashioned way; by hanging it out on a clothesline. TONKIN TIP #17Want to keep your new car smelling new? The 2011 Nissan Quest is anunconventional minivan that comes equipped with air-scrubbing technology,delivering a purified, cleaner smelling ride; all from the touch of a button.Perfect for your daily transporting of family pets, active kids, or the living dead.
Not everyone has an arsenal of zombie fighting tools lying around the house. Sometimes you need to take what you have and get a little creative with it. For example: a gravy ladle is pretty useless on its own, but when outfitted with a kitchen knife, it’s instantly transformed into a Gravy Ladle Bayonet. After all, nobody wants to be stuck fending off an army of hungry zombies with just a gravy ladle. + = fig 1: Gravy Ladle fig 2: Knife fig 03: Gravy Ladle BayonetIn life, selection is everything, especially when looking for a car. At Tonkin, wehave 17 dealerships so we’re always sure to have the selection you’re looking for.TONKIN TIP #29
One-thing horror movies have taught us is if you try to run away froma crazed killer, suspenseful music will play, you will be tripped by a logand quickly overtaken. So when being chased by zombies, don’t run!Simply speed walk away. Zombies are remarkably slow, so clench yourbutt cheeks and briskly walk to safety. Sure you might look silly, but atleast you’ll be alive to be made fun of by your friends. TONKIN TIP #13 They say slow and steady wins the race, but so does fewer pit stops. And if you’re looking for max fuel efficiency, it’s tough to beat the 2011 Toyota Prius Hybrid. The Prius Hybrid boasts a combined 50 miles per gallon, saving you both money and frequent pit stops in zombie territory. A: EYES ON THE PRIZE B: PERFECT POSTURE C: CLENCHED BUTTOCKS D: COMFORTABLE SHOES
fig 01: CameraOf course zombies hate getting shot with a gun, but when the opportunityarises to be shot with a camera they turn from meat eaters to walking hams.Zombies love the camera so much, they’ve been known to stop mid-attackto strike a pose. So if you see a zombie lumbering towards you, pull outyour camera and take a shot the zombie would be proud to tag on Facebook. Wish you had eyes on the back of your head? Well, now your car can. The 2011 Honda Pilot & Odyssey both feature a rearview camera-parking assistant. So now even a zombie can parallel park like a rock star. TONKIN TIP #09 fig 2: Headshots
If we’ve learned one thing from 1980’s music videos, it’s that zombies aregreat dancers. The repetitive beats in some songs trigger an involuntarytwitch response in the muscles of the un-dead. These involuntarytwitches, when syncopated to a beat, combine to form a dance. So nexttime you’re confronted by a hoard of zombies, bring your boom box andplenty of D batteries, then prepare to see some “thriller” dance moves. TONKIN TIP #89 If you’re looking for a killer factory sound system, you need to hear the audio nirvana that is the 2011 Audi A8. Featuring a Bang & Olufsen Advanced Sound System, the Audi A8 has audiophiles drooling and zombies lumbering for the dance floor.
Y ou’re not always going to be able to fig 1: TAKE A SLICE OF Bologna & FOLDfight zombies, and constantly runningfrom them will only tire you out in thelong run. So when you can’t beat ‘em,join ‘em. Follow the steps outlined hereto construct a convincing zombie maskusing only a slice of bologna. Simplyapply the Meat Mask, walk with a limpand you’re ready to blend in with the fig 2: BITE TWO HOLES AS SHOWNun-dead. It’s just like mom always usedto say, “One man’s bologna sandwich isanother man’s meat mask.” For the times you feel like stepping out and being seen, the stylish Fiat 500 is for you. Don’t let its size fool you; it’s small but scrappy. The Fiat’s short wheelbase fig 3: OPEN & FOLD IN HALF and oversized wheels are sure to keep you planted firmly on the ground, even while tearing around corners in your Bite Horizontally ridiculous bologna mask. TONKIN TIP #07 fig 4: INSTANT Meat Mask fig 5: NOW ASSIMILATE* *Please do not drive while wearing mask
Sure, playing with zombies can be fun during the week. But when theweekend hits, you just want to get away. So head for the water, becausezombies are notoriously awful swimmers—only mastering the dead man’sfloat. When you want to escape the madness, strap on your floaties, hopin a boat and set sail for the sunset. fig 1: Soaking up the Sun fig 2: Perfecting the Dead Man’s Float TONKIN TIP #22 Whether you’re hauling boats, trailers, or just hauling ass away from a zombie apocalypse—if you’re looking for best in its class towing capacity, then look no further than the Dodge Ram 3500. With more than 16,000 pounds of towing capacity, the Dodge Ram out-tows its competition by more than 2,000 pounds.
It’s likely that when Z-Day hits, the zombie infestation will causepower grids to become overloaded, resulting in a worldwide blackout.Thus rendering your home security system totally obsolete. That’sok, it just means it’s time to get medieval. We suggest equipping allhome entry points with tin bucket and marble booby-trap technology(see diagram). Primitive? Y Effective? Y es. es. fig 1: FALLING Bucket DISORIENTS ZOMBIE fig 2: Marbles ARE RELEASED CAUSING SLIPPAGE A zombie attack can happen at any moment, so when TONKIN TIP #18 looking for your next car, it’s important to keep safety in mind. The 2011 Chevy Cruze is protected by OnStar® and comes equipped with 10 air bags, standard. The Cruze is designed to offer continuous protection, so if you happen to run into a zombie herd along the way, you can take comfort in knowing you’ll be safe.
At T onkin, we’re all about providing as effortless a car buying experience as possible. From the ease of ordering your caronline from one of our 17 dealerships at T onkin.com, to having your new vehicle delivered to your door, to providing youwith all the skills you need to know to thwart a zombie attack. At T onkin we make buying a car easy.