New Year’s Resolutions You Will Never Keep

Quit taking all those Oxys and shopping at the Pathmark

Ride in more posses

Quit trying to dance away all your problems

Have sex with Gizmo

Stop chugging everything

Wear more robes (flowing or otherwise)

Write a pissed off letter to Skittles complaining about the new chocolate ones

Quit drawing on the old hairline

Wash your feet

Go see more fat baby chicken fights

Stop wondering what this dog is thinking

More Stallowning

Dress up like a penis in more parades

This year, you’re gonna learn to how to read

Finally get a beer with Carlos from Accounts

Finally say hi to that prostitute you like

Break the curse of the six-fingered baby hand

Make good on your promise to rid the world of yoga

Work on your graffiti colon

Mix baby tigers with baby monkeys EVERY SINGLE DAY

Milk more stuff

Finally throw away that racist ass “Chinese Firedrill” drawing you did in the 8 th Grade

Get Sgt. Slaughter to throw a Cobra Clutch on you

Take up whaling

Be kind to ugly children

Dress more like Prince

Get in touch with your inner Omar

Disprove God

Buy one of those square-headed Asian babies

Finally laminate meat

Get excited about poetry

Teach a spider to smoke

Finally measure it once and for all

Get one of those Romanian gymnast haircuts

Come up with a motto for yourself

Get one of those cool pencil sharpeners your uncle used to have

Learn to do that thing with the snakes

Have a long, long talk with your mailman

Light more girl farts

Bring back acid wash

Stop lying so much

Coach a rag tag group of Little Leaguers to an unanticipated championship despite your alcoholism

More time in the dune buggy

Come to terms with the fact that you hate butterflies

Grow the fuck up