How to Form Healthy Intimate Relationships“Theology on Tap” Edition

Who am I?Former St. Brigid staff pastoral counselor from 2004-2006.USD graduate with MA in Pastoral Care & Counseling (2005).Alliant Int’l University graduate with MA in Marriage & Family Therapy (2007).Currently an intern at a local agency and in private practice.

My Websitewww.pccsandiego.compcc = Pastoral Counseling Center

Slides are availablewww.slideshare.netSearch on “introduction to intimacy” or “ryanbuchmann”Movie clips will not be available.

Book Recommendation

Book Recommendation

Characteristics of IntimacyIntimacy is not easy and is often uncomfortable.Involves the risk of vulnerability, rejection, disagreement, separation.Intimacy happens when it happens.

Involves the risk of vulnerability, rejection, disagreement, separation.

Movie ClipThe Incredibles

Characteristics of IntimacyIntimacy is not easy and is often uncomfortable.Involves the risk of vulnerability, rejection, disagreement, separation.Intimacy happens when it happens.Intimacy is NOT sex, yet sex is a part of being intimate.

Involves the risk of vulnerability, rejection, disagreement, separation.

Movie ClipSex and Breakfast

What is “intimacy?”“Intimacy isThe recursive experience……of open self-confrontation…

What is “confrontation?”A meeting of persons face to faceAn open conflict of opposing ideas

What is “self-confrontation?”an event in which one is forced to recognize one's true self and its possible implications and/or consequences.

What is “intimacy?”“Intimacy isThe recursive experience……of open self-confrontation……of core aspects of the self……in the presence of a partner.”--David SchnarchAuthor of Passionate Marriage

What is “intimacy?”Relevant Point:Intimacy starts from within.

Premise for this TalkYour job is NOT to somehow get your partner to reveal more about him/herself.YOU are responsible for initiating the intimate exchange.

Premise for this TalkYOU are responsible for initiating the intimate exchange.What does that imply with respect to: Getting a date with someone? Finding out if someone is into you? Getting married?

Getting a date with someone?

Finding out if someone is into you?

Getting married?

Question:Exactly what is it that I should be revealing about myself to my partner?

The Dimensions of IntimacyThe Four Aspects of the Human Person

Dimensions of IntimacyEmotionalIntellectualSpiritualPhysical

Emotional IntimacyEntails knowledge of one’s feelingsBeing able to identify when one is experiencing an emotion.The ability to label the emotion which one is experiencing.The ability to know the source of the emotion.

Media Clip“What Dreams May Come”

Intellectual IntimacyKnowing how you think and what you believe to be true.To which beliefs to do you hold rigidly? To which do you hold flexibly?What drives, inspires, and motivates your beliefs?What is the source of your beliefs?What experiences did you undergo to form your beliefs?

Book RecommendationEve Eschner-Hogan with Steven Hogan

Movie ClipHe’s Just Not That into You

Spiritual IntimacyEach person does everything within their power to become their most authentic self.The authentic self is the very person that God created us to be. We are most happy when we are authentic.

Natural DrivesThe drive to be one’s authentic self can be called the drive toward the autonomous self .Relationshipis another primary human drive.

Natural DrivesPeople move toward relationship to insure survival of self and to procreate.People move toward autonomy to establish one’s individual identity and one’s place in the world.

The Delicate BalanceHuman beings must delicately balance the drive for relationship with the drive for autonomy.

The Delicate BalanceTogetherness urges us toward others for attachment, affiliation, and for approval.Finds expression in companionship, family, and society itself.

The Delicate BalanceIndividuality is defining one’s self as separate from others.Individual beliefs, choices, personal autonomy.

The Delicate BalanceBalancing between individuality (autonomy) and togetherness (relationship) creates a constant tension.RelationshipTogethernessIndividuality

The Delicate BalanceIn the early stages of a relationship, the goal is to develop togetherness (e.g. things in common).Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of the other, to be a part of the group.

We Become Like Those We Love!

It gets dicey!Once togetherness has been established, we yearn to retain our individuality.We are propelled to follow our own directives, to be on our own, and to create a unique identity.This flies in the face of the “rules of togetherness.”

DifferentiationThe ability to maintain your sense of self……when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others……especially as they become increasingly close to you.--David Schnarch“Passionate Marriage”

DifferentiationFor the undifferentiated person, the need for togetherness resembles a neediness to be loved and accepted (aka “clingy” or “high maintenance”).There is a continued need for contact, validation, and consensus from the other.This leaves us unable to maintain a clear sense of who we are.

DifferentiationThe differentiated person does not say “I need my space.” They can stay in the relationship and know who they are.Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when your partner is away or you are not in a primary love relationship.

Media Clip“The Incredibles”

Media Clip“The Incredibles”

Media Clip“The Incredibles”

Media Clip“The Incredibles”

Excuse Me…Weren’t we talking about Spiritual Intimacy?

Spiritual IntimacyThe act of becoming your authentic self while remaining in a relationship is a movement toward authenticity which is directly connected to God’s plan.

Spiritual Intimacy[Jesus] called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”Mt 18:1-3

Book Recommendation

Book Recommendation

Physical IntimacyEasy to do: a smile, a handshake, an embrace, a kiss on the cheek.As a couple we hold hands, walk arm in arm, or snuggle.Physical intimacy entails connecting with someone through any of the senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, or taste.

The ProblemVery BAD!People think intimacy can be experienced by having SEX!

SexThe ProblemIntimacy

Physical IntimacyWhen physical intimacy is established too quickly, it begins to stunt the growth of the relationship.We begin judge the quality and value of our relationship on the basis of physical intimacy.

IntimacyA Better ApproachSex

Movie ClipWhen Harry Met Sally

Consider this…Which of the 4 dimensions of intimacy is the easiest to do? Emotional Intellectual Spiritual Physical

Consider this… …So if the physical dimension is gone (i.e. “stopped having sex”), what does that say about the actualization of the other dimensions?

Cautionary Note!Don’t try to force intimacy.Remember: Intimacy will happen when it happens. Be open to it!YOU are responsible for initiating the intimate exchange.Show yours first.

Questions?