Intimacy Workshop Series: Part 3

Intimacy Workshop Series: Part 3

Former St. Brigid staff pastoral counselor from 2004-2006. Graduate USD with MA in Pastoral Care & Counseling (2005). Graduate Alliant Int’l University with MA in Marriage & Family Therapy (2007). Currently working as a mental health counselor for a local AOD program.

Former St. Brigid staff pastoral counselor from 2004-2006.

Graduate USD with MA in Pastoral Care & Counseling (2005).

Graduate Alliant Int’l University with MA in Marriage & Family Therapy (2007).

Currently working as a mental health counselor for a local AOD program.

“Intimacy is The recursive experience… … of open self-confrontation (vulnerability) … …of core aspects of the self … …in the presence of a partner.” --David Schnarch Author of Passionate Marriage

“Intimacy is

The recursive experience…

… of open self-confrontation (vulnerability) …

…of core aspects of the self …

…in the presence of a partner.”

--David Schnarch

Author of Passionate Marriage

Each person does everything within their power to become their most authentic self . The authentic self is the very person that God created us to be. The authentic self is directly connected to our essential purpose in life . What we do should radiate our authenticity.

Each person does everything within their power to become their most authentic self .

The authentic self is the very person that God created us to be.

The authentic self is directly connected to our essential purpose in life . What we do should radiate our authenticity.

[Jesus] called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children , you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Mt 18:1-3

[Jesus] called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children , you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Mt 18:1-3

You must be able to be vulnerable with God before you can be vulnerable with somebody else. Otherwise, there is no authenticity.

You must be able to be vulnerable with God before you can be vulnerable with somebody else. Otherwise, there is no authenticity.

If you cannot be vulnerable before God who loves you perfectly and unconditionally…

If you cannot be vulnerable before God who loves you perfectly and unconditionally…

… what makes you think you can be vulnerable with a partner, who will love you conditionally and imperfectly?

… what makes you think you can be vulnerable with a partner, who will love you conditionally and imperfectly?

Relevant Point: Intimacy starts from within.

Relevant Point:

Intimacy starts from within.

Vulnerability is the key ingredient for intimacy. Vulnerability is best defined as “ the state of being exposed .” With communication and companionship, vulnerability enables a relationship to exist.

Vulnerability is the key ingredient for intimacy.

Vulnerability is best defined as “ the state of being exposed .”

With communication and companionship, vulnerability enables a relationship to exist.

Companionship Communication Vulnerability

“ Enchanted”

“ Enchanted”

Small Group Discussion

Oh God!

Oh God!

Oh God! Book II

Oh God! Book II

God visits Jerry and Tracy in the form of an old man (George Burns). In what form would God likely appear to you ?

God visits Jerry and Tracy in the form of an old man (George Burns). In what form would God likely appear to you ?

Would it be appropriate to have an image of God that is the person we hope to marry? Unconditional Love Unconditional Acceptance Absence of Judgment Safe and secure relationship

Would it be appropriate to have an image of God that is the person we hope to marry?

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Acceptance

Absence of Judgment

Safe and secure relationship

Forming a closer relationship with God according to a total non-saint (me)

“ When you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” Mt 6:6

“ When you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” Mt 6:6

“When you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” Mt 6:17-18

“When you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”

Mt 6:17-18

“When you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your alms may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” Mt 6:3-4

“When you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your alms may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”

Mt 6:3-4

Prayer Fasting Alms-Giving

Prayer is the conscious effort to connect our soul with God through the Spirit.

Prayer is the conscious effort to connect our soul with God through the Spirit.

“By words, mental or vocal, our prayer takes flesh. Yet it is most important that the heart should be present to Him to whom we are speaking in prayer: ‘Whether or not our prayer is heard depends not on the number of words, but on the fervor of our souls.’” CCC 2700

“By words, mental or vocal, our prayer takes flesh. Yet it is most important that the heart should be present to Him to whom we are speaking in prayer: ‘Whether or not our prayer is heard depends not on the number of words, but on the fervor of our souls.’”

CCC 2700

“What is contemplative prayer? St. Teresa [of Avila] answers: ‘Contemplative prayer in my opinion is nothing else than a close sharing between friends; it means taking time frequently to be alone with Him who we know loves us.’” CCC 2709

“What is contemplative prayer? St. Teresa [of Avila] answers: ‘Contemplative prayer in my opinion is nothing else than a close sharing between friends; it means taking time frequently to be alone with Him who we know loves us.’”

CCC 2709

Primary Relationships Significant Other Close family members (e.g. children) “Closest and Best” Friends God Secondary Relationships Everyone else Other friends, boss, extended family, family friends, friends of significant other, the person you met at the bus stop, etc.

Primary Relationships

Significant Other

Close family members (e.g. children)

“Closest and Best” Friends

God

Secondary Relationships

Everyone else

Other friends, boss, extended family, family friends, friends of significant other, the person you met at the bus stop, etc.

It has a high priority in your life. The relationship is “primary” for both of you. Unconditional acceptance. Concerted effort to spend time together. No fear of judgment. The relationship is an end , not a means

It has a high priority in your life.

The relationship is “primary” for both of you.

Unconditional acceptance.

Concerted effort to spend time together.

No fear of judgment.

The relationship is an end , not a means

Note that Jesus calls us to do our prayer in secret. It’s a private, intimate relationship with God.

Note that Jesus calls us to do our prayer in secret. It’s a private, intimate relationship with God.

Fasting is the sacrifice of personal comforts. By foregoing our comforts, we endure a humble and vulnerable existence without what we think we need.

Fasting is the sacrifice of personal comforts.

By foregoing our comforts, we endure a humble and vulnerable existence without what we think we need.

It helps us acquire mastery over our instincts and freedom of heart. The conscious sacrifice of the needs of the self makes one vulnerable before God.

It helps us acquire mastery over our instincts and freedom of heart.

The conscious sacrifice of the needs of the self makes one vulnerable before God.

The practice of penance, mortification, and self-denial to promote greater self-mastery and to foster the way of perfection by embracing the way of the cross.

The practice of penance, mortification, and self-denial to promote greater self-mastery and to foster the way of perfection by embracing the way of the cross.

“ Jesus' call to conversion and penance, like that of the prophets before him, does not aim first at outward works, but at the conversion of the heart, interior conversion.” CCC 1430

“ Jesus' call to conversion and penance, like that of the prophets before him, does not aim first at outward works, but at the conversion of the heart, interior conversion.”

CCC 1430

“ Without this, such penances as fasting and mortification remain sterile and false; however, interior conversion urges expression in visible signs, gestures and works of penance.” CCC 1430

“ Without this, such penances as fasting and mortification remain sterile and false; however, interior conversion urges expression in visible signs, gestures and works of penance.”

CCC 1430

“ History Channel: Opus Dei Unveiled”

“ History Channel: Opus Dei Unveiled”

Does “mortification of the flesh” have to include flogging the body, wearing uncomfortable clothing, or eating/drinking bad tasting food?

Does “mortification of the flesh” have to include flogging the body, wearing uncomfortable clothing, or eating/drinking bad tasting food?

Money or goods given to the poor as an act of penance or fraternal charity. Almsgiving is giving up our comforts so that others may be more comfortable, sometimes to our own discomfort .

Money or goods given to the poor as an act of penance or fraternal charity.

Almsgiving is giving up our comforts so that others may be more comfortable, sometimes to our own discomfort .

Application to Your Relationship with God

What do you talk about with God? “ Thank God!” or “God help me!” God knows all the facts about you. What facts do you know about God? What do you really know about YOU?

What do you talk about with God?

“ Thank God!” or “God help me!”

God knows all the facts about you. What facts do you know about God?

What do you really know about YOU?

Advantages Initiates a forward step toward authenticity (self-expression). Opens an opportunity for genuine agreement, not just conformity. Enables the possibility for acceptance even if the other is not entirely right.

Advantages

Initiates a forward step toward authenticity (self-expression).

Opens an opportunity for genuine agreement, not just conformity.

Enables the possibility for acceptance even if the other is not entirely right.

Unconditional acceptance Believing that we are accepted/acceptable After the Fall of Man, the effects of Original Sin cause a resistance to be vulnerable before God.

Unconditional acceptance

Believing that we are accepted/acceptable

After the Fall of Man, the effects of Original Sin cause a resistance to be vulnerable before God.

My plan vs. God’s plan God knows what you need and provides your needs on the basis of His plan. God gives you gifts and talents that enable you to fulfill God’s plan. Your authentic self is the person that is able to find happiness making full and complete use of God’s gifts.

My plan vs. God’s plan

God knows what you need and provides your needs on the basis of His plan.

God gives you gifts and talents that enable you to fulfill God’s plan.

Your authentic self is the person that is able to find happiness making full and complete use of God’s gifts.

My plan vs. God’s plan Are my hopes and dreams in line with God’s plan? How can I tell when I am in line with God’s plan for me?

My plan vs. God’s plan

Are my hopes and dreams in line with God’s plan?

How can I tell when I am in line with God’s plan for me?

Emotional reactions to the world around us. The big question:

Emotional reactions to the world around us.

The big question:

What do you talk about with God? If you can’t talk about your feelings with God, with whom can you talk about them? It’s okay to be angry and frustrated with God. Grieve your losses, celebrate your joys! What about the emotions of fear and shame?

What do you talk about with God?

If you can’t talk about your feelings with God, with whom can you talk about them?

It’s okay to be angry and frustrated with God.

Grieve your losses, celebrate your joys!

What about the emotions of fear and shame?

This level is about accepting our selves in God’s presence. What is confession really about for you? Can you own with God your authentic human weakness?

This level is about accepting our selves in God’s presence.

What is confession really about for you?

Can you own with God your authentic human weakness?

Two extremes “ I suck, and I need to beat myself into submission before God to be accepted.” “ I thank God I have it all under control.”

Two extremes

“ I suck, and I need to beat myself into submission before God to be accepted.”

“ I thank God I have it all under control.”

“ We are not worthy of God’s love, but God loves us anyway.” We are always worthy of God’s love. In spite of our human weaknesses, God loves us anyway.

“ We are not worthy of God’s love, but God loves us anyway.”

What are your needs from God? What are God’s needs from you (essential purpose)? God wants you to love Him. At this level, we work with God to be our authentic selves.

What are your needs from God?

What are God’s needs from you (essential purpose)?

God wants you to love Him.

At this level, we work with God to be our authentic selves.

Ask yourself: Is this a need or is this a want? How does this need enable me to be my authentic self? “ Go and get what you want out of life!” Relationships are not about getting what you want. Relationships are about helping each other become your authentic self.

Ask yourself: Is this a need or is this a want? How does this need enable me to be my authentic self?

“ Go and get what you want out of life!”

Relationships are not about getting what you want. Relationships are about helping each other become your authentic self.

How do my needs fit into God’s plan? How do the things I want fit into God’s plan?

How do my needs fit into God’s plan?

How do the things I want fit into God’s plan?

Thank you for coming! God bless you all!

Thank you for coming! God bless you all!