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Humor_iconoclast

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If you want your ideas to be stickier, you’ve got to break someone’s guessing machine and then fix it. But in surprising people, in breaking their guessing machines, how do we avoid gimmicky …

If you want your ideas to be stickier, you’ve got to break someone’s guessing machine and then fix it. But in surprising people, in breaking their guessing machines, how do we avoid gimmicky surprise.

Common sense is the enemy of sticky messages. When messages sound like common sense, they float gently in one ear and out the other.

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  • 1. Paint your stories with humor 1
  • 2. 2
  • 3. Paint your stories With humor 3
  • 4. How do I get people‟s attention? Just as crucially, how do I keep it?The most basic way to get someone‟s attention is this: Break a pattern.We can’t succeed if our messages don’t break through the clutter toget people’s attention.Humans adapt incredibly quickly to consistent patterns. Our brain isdesigned to be keenly aware of changes. Smart product designers arewell aware of this tendency. They make sure that, when products requireusers to pay attention, something changes.If you want your ideas to be stickier, you’ve got to break someone’sguessing machine and then fix it. But in surprising people, inbreaking their guessing machines, how do we avoid gimmickysurprise.Common sense is the enemy of sticky messages. When messagessound like common sense, they float gently in one ear and out the other.If I already intuitively “get” what you‟re trying to tell me, whyshould I obsess about remembering it? The danger, of course, is thatwhat sounds like common sense often isn‟t. It‟s your job, as acommunicator, to expose the parts of your message that are uncommonsense.Humor and jokes are part of the aspect that can always used to break theaudience guessing machine and make the message sticker. 4
  • 5. Now,Allow Geniustribes to present you thehumorous moral of the story so that you will beable to break your audience guessing machinesand make your idea sticky. 5
  • 6. A priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heavens Gates. Aheadof him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt,leather jacket & jeans.God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether toadmit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not ?The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from ChennaiGod consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silkenrobe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven.Now it is the priests turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a boomingvoice: I am Popes Assistant so , Head Priest of the so Church for the last40 years.God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe& enter the Kingdom of Heaven.Just a minute, says the agonized Priest. How is it that a foul mouthed,rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, aPriest, whos spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness hasto make do with a Cotton robe?!Results my friend, results, shrugs God.While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, peoplereally PRAYEDIts PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.Moral of story : Performance is the ultimate consideration.An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises. 6
  • 7. A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up hershower, when the doorbell rings.The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs..When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour..Before she says a word, Bob says, Ill give you $800 to drop that towel.After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and standsnaked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 andleaves.The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, Who was that?It was Bob the next door neighbour, she replies.Great, the husband says, did he say anything about the $800 he owesme?Moral of the story:If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk withyour share holders in time, you may be in a position to preventavoidable exposure. 7
  • 8. A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking tolunch when they find an antique oil lamp.They rub it and a Genie comes out.The Genie says, Ill give each of you just one wish.Me first! Me first! says the admin clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas ,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.Puff! Shes gone.Me next! Me next! says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing onthe beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of PinaColadas and the love of my life.Puff! Hes gone.OK, youre up, the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.Moral of the story:Always let your boss have the first say. 8
  • 9. Bangladesh Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."2 hours later Bangladesh Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now.You got nice house."Moral of the story:Precision of communication is important, more importantthan ever. 9
  • 10. A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle Eastassignment.A friend asked, "Why werent you successful with the Arabs?"The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I wasvery confident that I would make a good sales pitch in rural areas. But, Ihad a problem I didnt know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to conveythe message through three posters...First poster- A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted andfainting.Second poster - man is drinking our Cola.Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.Then these posters were pasted all over the place"That should have worked," said the friend.The salesman replied "I didnt realize that Arabs read from right to left"Moral of the story :Understand your customer and spend sometime to do yourresearch. Do not assume. 10
  • 11. Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose."I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose."I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.Moral of the story :If you say what you think dont expect to hear only whatyou like. In management, be sure and clear with thequestion. 11
  • 12. Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kidsalready, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentallyretarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she havean abortion?Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and your votecounts.Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults withastrologists. Hes had two mistresses. He also chain smokes anddrinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, usedopium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. Hes a vegetarian, doesntsmoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasnt had any extramaritalaffairs.Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, nopeeking, then scroll down for the answer.Candidate A is Franklin D. RooseveltCandidate B is Winston ChurchillCandidate C is Adolph HitlerAnd by the way: Answer to the abortion question …..if you said yes,you just killed Beethoven..Moral of the story :Pretty interesting isnt it. Think, before judging someone. 12
  • 13. One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell intothe river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to makehis living.The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this youraxe?" the Lord asked.The woodcutter replied, "No."The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lordasked.Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lordasked..The woodcutter replied, "Yes."The Lord was pleased with the mans honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, andthe woodcutter went home happy.Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and hiswife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Whyare you crying?""Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angeline Jolie "Is this your wife?"the Lord asked."Yes," cried the woodcutter.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if Ihad said no to Angeline Jolie , You would have come up with Megan Fox . Then if I saidno to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said yes, you would havegiven me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of allthree wives, so THATS why I said yes to Angeline Jolie ."The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good andhonourable reason, and for the benefit of others.Thats our story, and were sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!! 13
  • 14. This is scenario where a manager trying to explain about thedifferent type of marketing field in memorable way.1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich."Marry me!" - Thats Direct Marketing"2. Youre at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of yourfriends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "Hes very rich. "Marry him." -ThatsAdvertising“3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number.The next day, you call and say: "Hi, Im very rich. "Marry me - Thats Telemarketing“4. Youre at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, youwalk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up herbag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:"By the way, Im rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - Thats Public Relations.5. Youre at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You arevery rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - Thats Brand Recognition6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marryme!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "Thats Customer Feedback“7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marryme!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "Thats demand and supply gap“8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything,another person come and tell her: "Im rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes withhim - "Thats competition eating into your market share“9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "Im rich,Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "Thats restriction for entering new markets"Moral of the story :When you’re presenting a complex or unfamiliar concept, an analogy can be avery effective communication tool 14
  • 15. People say there is no difference between COMPLETE &FINISH.But there is a difference.When you love the right one you are COMPLETE.&When you love the wrong one you are FINISHED!Moral of the story :Certain things seems to be no difference, By thenlook again. 15
  • 16. Bankers are the Best in Business Management .Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belongedto someone else.One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,"Ill give you a £100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.Johnny said, "Ill be fast. Ill throw the money on the floor, you benddown, and Ill be finished by the time you pick it up .She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consulther boyfriend..So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, hewont even be able to get his pants down."So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and theboyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.She responded, "The bastard used coins!"Moral of the story :Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in itsentirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! 16
  • 17. The employees of a Company are all worried. Some areroaming around. Some are in loud discussions during officetime.Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquireabout what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "Whatsgoing on?“"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss" Theyre asking for USD.10million ransom, otherwise theyre going to douse him with petroland set him on fire.Were going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"About 1 litre."Moral of the story :Be a good boss anyway. 17
  • 18. This is situation when a presenter trying to explain betweenconfident, trust and hope. The important factor is to make itsticky by some humor and jokes.CONFIDENCEOnce, all village people decided to pray for rain. On the day ofprayer all people gathered and only one boy came with anUmbrella, thats ConfidenceTRUSTTrust should be like the feeling of a one year old baby when youthrow him in the air, he laughs......because he knows you willcatch him; thats TrustHOPEEvery night we go to bed, we have no assurance to get up alivein the next morning but still you have plans for the coming day ;thats HopeMoral of the storyHave confident, trust and never lose hope in life. 18
  • 19. Nice distinction between the two states of mind:A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute ofMental Health).He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre off.When he was about to fix the tyre, he accidentally dropped allthe bolts into the drain..As he could not fish the bolts out, he started to panic.A mental patient happened to walk past and asked the driverwhat happened.Helpless, the driver told the patient the whole incident.The patient laughed at him and said,"You cant even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you aredestined to be a truck driver...Heres what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3tyres and fix it to this tyre.Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missingones. Easy as that"The driver was very impressed and asked "Youre so smart ...sowhy are you here in the Mental Institute?"The Patient replied:"Hellooo, Im here because Im crazy, not STUPID!“Moral of the story : There is a great different between beingcrazy and stupid 19
  • 20. Moral of the storyCommunication is an art. Good communication does not mean that youhave to speak in perfectly formed sentences and paragraphs. It isnt aboutslickness. Simple and clear go a long way 20
  • 21. 21
  • 22. Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope.There were ten HR people and one engineer.Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven,they decided that one of them had to let go to save all theothers.They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally theengineer said he would let go of the rope since engineers areused to do everything for the company. They forsake theirfamily, don‟t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtimewithout getting anything in returnWhen he finished his moving speech all the HR people began toclap…Moral of the story :Don’t underestimate the power of engineer 22
  • 23. A group of engineers and a group of HR people take a train to aconference. Each HR person holds a ticket. But the entiregroup of engineers has bought only one ticket for a singlepassenger. The HR people are just shaking their heads and aresecretly pleased that the arrogant engineers will finally get whatthey deserve .Suddenly one of the engineers calls out: “The conductor iscoming!”. At once, all the engineers jump up and squeeze intoone of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the HRpeople. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knockson the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the engineersslides the single ticket under the doors and the conductorcontinues merrily on his round.For the return trip the HR people decide to use the same trick.They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffledas they realize that the engineers didn‟t buy any tickets at all.After a while one of the engineers announces again: “Theconductor is coming!” Immediately all the HR people race to atoilet and lock themselves in.All the engineers leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before thelast engineer enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupiedby the HR people and says: “Ticket, please!”Moral of the story :HR people like to use the methods of the engineers, butthey don’t really understand them. 23
  • 24. Once upon a time three HR people were walking through thewoods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wildriver. But they desperately had to get to the other side. Buthow, with such a raging torrent? The first HR guy knelt downand prayed to the Lord: “Lord, please give me the strength tocross this river! "*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he couldswim across the river. It took him about two hours and healmost drowned several times.BUT… he was successful!The second HR guy, who observed this, prayed to the Lord andsaid: “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessarytools to cross this river!”*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the riverdespite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.BUT… he was successful!The third HR man who observed all this kneeled down andprayed: “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and theintelligence to cross this river!”*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*The Lord converted the HR man into an engineer. He took aquick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream andcrossed the bridge.Moral of the storyYou have to be an engineer to think intelligent… 24
  • 25. Moral of the story.A good manager set the appraisal standard according toan employee’s strength. 25
  • 26. Moral of the story.A good manager set the appraisal standard according to anemployee’s strength. As Einstein quoted before …. Refer to next 26page
  • 27. 27
  • 28. A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager arewalking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.They rub it and a Genie comes out.The Genie says, Ill give each of you just one wish.Me first! Me first! says the admin clerk. I want to be in theBahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.Puff! Shes gone.Me next! Me next! says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii ,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endlesssupply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.Puff! Hes gone.OK, youre up, the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, I want those two back in the office afterlunch.Moral of the story:Always let your boss have the first say. 28
  • 29. A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: Husband Wanted.Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:You can have mine.„Moral of the story…life is full of unexpected answer, we justhave to live with it. 29
  • 30. A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consumingalcohol which is a serious offense in Saudi Arabia. For thisterrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of thewhip.As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikannounced:"Its my first wifes birthday today, and she hasasked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.The German was first in line. He thought for a while and thensaid: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but thepillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carriedaway bleeding and crying with pain.The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horrorhe said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But eventwo pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was alsoled away whimpering loudly.The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could sayanything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from amost beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of thefinest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!""Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardarreplied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you giveme not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable,handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," theSheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes iswhat you desire, then so be it. And what is your second wish?"the Sheik asked.Sardar smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back” !!!!! 30
  • 31. A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote postin the Afghan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, henoticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked theSergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeantsaid, Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post andno women. Sometimes the men have urges. Thats why wehave Molly The Camel.„The Captain said, I cant say that I condone this, but I canunderstand about the urges, so the camel can stay.About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camelto his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captainstands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild andinsane sex with the camel.When hes done, he asked the Sergeant, Is that how the mendo it?„ No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. Thatswhere the girls are. Moral of the story :-If you are not sure of doing things, dont be ashamed to askfor clarification before doing it ... not after you have done itwrongly!!! 31
  • 32. John missed his final exam due to the flu, but he‟d done so wellduring the year that the teacher suggests to the principal theygive him an oral exam to make up for the tests that he missed.The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office andexplain about the Theorell test.First, the teacher asks, “Johnny, what does the cow have fourof, that i only two of?” Johnny replies, “Legs”.So the teacher asks, “Johnny, what do you have in pants that Idont have in my pants?” “Pockets” he replies.Finally the teacher asks, “And Johnny, what is the capital ofItaly? “Rome” is his answer.With that the teacher turns to principal and asked, “ Well, shallwe pass him?” “Better not ask me,” the principal says, “ I got thefirst two wrong!” Moral of the story :-Not everyone have the same thought. We are just unique inthe way we think. 32
  • 33. A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders. “ Where isGod?” The room was filled with children that raised their handsto respond.”Okay, Mary, Where is God?” “He is everywhere?” “Very good,that‟s right” the teacher said.“ But still there were two children that didn‟t put their handsdown, so the teacher continued.“Okay Michael, Where is God?” God is inside me. “Very good,that‟s right” the teacher said again.Now there was one boy sitting at the back of the class waivinghis hand up, so the teacher called on him. “Okay, Danny. Whereis God?” He is in our bathroom.Well the teacher just had to ask, “ How do you know he is in thebathroom?”The answer came, “Every morning my father knocks on thebathroom and says, My God are you still in there?”Moral of the story :Words create perception and perception creates belief.. 33
  • 34. 34
  • 35. . 35
  • 36. PAUSE…. THINK…. AND JUDGE… 36
  • 37. Moral of the story… you can be thankful causethorns have roses or you can be miserable causeroses have thorns. 37
  • 38. Level of STRESS!You give a lift to a beautiful girl.She faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.Now thats stressful,But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant& congratulate you that you are going to be a father.You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.This is getting very stressful,To prove......Then you request a DNA test to prove that you are not thefather.After the tests the doctor says that you are infertile.You are extremely stressed but relieved.On your way back home, you start remembering that you have3 kids at home.NOW THATS STRESS!!!. 38
  • 39. Divorce for this ChristmasA man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day beforeChristmas and says, “I hate to ruin Christmas this year, but Ihave to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-fiveyears of misery is enough.“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can‟tstand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We‟resick of each other, and I‟m sick of talking about this, so you callyour sister in Atlanta and tell her.”Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.“Like hell they‟re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I‟ll take care ofthis.”She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, “Youare NOT getting divorced. Don‟t do a single thing until I getthere. I‟m calling my brother back, and we‟ll both be theretomorrow. Until then, don‟t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” andhangs up.The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,”he says, “they‟re coming for Christmas and paying their ownway.”. 39
  • 40. A committed atheist (thats someone who steadfastly does not believe in a god of anysort) was on a trekking holiday when he became lost in some dense woods.A large angry bear, with ten starving cubs back home and claws like kitchen knives,suddenly emerged from the undergrowth.The atheist screamed in terror, turned and ran. The bear was quicker however, andafter a long and desperate chase eventually cornered the atheist in a gully.The exhausted atheist sank to his knees, shaking.The bear, seeing that its prey was trapped, moved slowly towards the petrified man,drooling. The bear was drooling too.The atheist lifted his head, with tears in his eyes, and uttered the words he thought hewould never say in all his life: "God help me..."With these simple three words, a blinding flash of lightning lit up the sky. There was adeafening crash of thunder. The clouds parted. A brilliant light shone down. The forestfell silent. The bear froze still, in a trance. The atheist stood gaping, transfixed.A voice came loud from above. Louder than twenty AC/DC concerts all happening atthe same time. We can safely assume this voice to have been the voice of a god ofsome sort."You atheists make me seriously mad," boomed the god, "You deny me all your life.You tell others to deny me too. You put your faith in all that bloody Darwinian airy-fairyscientific nonsense, and then what a surprise - you get lost because you cant readyour stupid map, and now youre about to get eaten by an angry bear all of a suddenyoure on your knees snivelling and begging for my help?......... You must be joking..."The atheist looked down, realising that he was not arguing from a position of strength."Okay, I take your point," said the atheist, thinking on his feet, while he still had them,"I can see its a bit late for me to convert, but what about the bear?... Maybe you couldconvert the bear instead?""Hmmn... interesting idea..." said the god, thinking hard, "...Okay. It shall be done." Atwhich the brilliant light dimmed and vanished; the clouds closed; and the noises of theforest resumed.The bear awoke and shook its head, a completely different expression on its face.Calm, at peace.The bear closed its eyes, bowed its head, and said, "For what we are about toreceive, may the Lord make us truly thankful, Amen.." 40.
  • 41. A couple were dining out together celebrating their 40th weddinganniversary.After the meal, the husband presented his wife romantically witha beautiful very old gold antique locket on a chain.Amazingly when his wife opened the locket, a tiny fairyappeared.Addressing the astonished couple, the fairy said, "Your fortyyears of devotion to each other has released me from thislocket, and in return I can now grant you both one wish each -anything you want..“Without hesitating, the wife asked, "Please, can I travel to thefour corners of the world with my husband, as happy and in loveas weve always been?"The fairy waved her wand with a flourish, and magically there onthe table were two first-class tickets for a round-the-worldholiday.Staggered, the couple looked at each other, unable to believetheir luck."Your turn," said the fairy and the wife to the husband.The husband thought for a few seconds, and then said, with alittle guilt in his voice, "Forgive me, but to really enjoy thatholiday of a lifetime - I yearn for a younger woman - so I wishthat my wife could be thirty years younger than me."Shocked, the fairy glanced at the wife, and with a knowing lookin her eye, waved her wand.....and the husband became ninety-three.Moral of the story… A man, when he wishes, is the masterof his fate. 41
  • 42. An old lady had a hearing-aid fitted, hidden underneath her hair.A week later she returned to the doctor for her check-up."Its wonderful - I can hear everything now," she reported very happily tothe doctor."And is your family pleased too?" asked the doctor."Oh I havent told them yet," said the old lady, "And Ive changed my willtwice already..“Moral of the story.Tactical advantage 42
  • 43. After twenty-five years in the same parish, Father OShaunessey was saying hisfarewells at his retirement dinner. An eminent member of the congregation - a leadingpolitician - had been asked to make a presentation and a short speech, but was latearriving.So the priest took it upon himself to fill the time, and stood up to the microphone:"I remember the first confession I heard here twenty-five years ago and it worried meas to what sort of place Id come to...That first confession remains the worst Ive ever heard. The chap confessed that hedstolen a TV set from a neighbour and lied to the police when questioned, successfullyblaming it on a local scallywag.He said that hed stolen money from his parents and from his employer; that hed hadaffairs with several of his friends wives; that hed taken hard drugs, and had slept withhis sister and given her VD.You can imagine what I thought... However Im pleased to say that as the dayspassed I soon realised that this sad fellow was a frightful exception and that thisparish was indeed a wonderful place full of kind and decent people...“At this point the politician arrived and apologised for being late, and keen to take thestage, he immediately stepped up to the microphone and pulled his speech from hispocket:"Ill always remember when Father OShaunessey first came to our parish," said thepolitician, "In fact, Im pretty certain that I was the first person in the parish that heheard in confession..“Moral of the story :Be punctual and take a good care of your timemanagement. 43
  • 44. A school head was alerted by the caretaker to a persistent problem in thegirls lavatories: some of the girl students were leaving lipstick kisses onthe mirrors. The caretaker had left notices on the toilet walls asking forthe practice to cease, but to no avail; every evening the caretaker wouldwipe away the kisses, and the next day lots more kisses would be plantedon the mirror. It had become a bit of a game. The head teacher usuallytook a creative approach to problem solving, and so the next day sheasked a few girl representatives from each class to meet with her in thelavatory."Thank you for coming," said the head, "You will see there are severallipstick kisses in the mirrors in this washroom..“Some of the girls grinned at each other."As you will understand, modern lipstick is cleverly designed to stay onthe lips, and so the lipstick is not easy at all to clean from the mirrors. Wehave therefore had to develop a special cleaning regime, and my hope isthat when you see the effort involved you will help spread the word thatwed all be better off if those responsible for the kisses use tissue paperinstead of the mirrors in future.."At this point the caretaker stepped forward with a sponge squeegee,which he took into one of the toilet cubicles, dipped into the toilet bowl,and then used to clean one of the lipstick-covered mirrors.The caretaker smiled. The girls departed. And there were no more lipstickkisses on the mirrors.Moral of the story….Think Different and Be Different…. 44
  • 45. A little boy was doing his maths homework.He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven.Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"The little boy answered, "Im doing my maths homework, Mom.""And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked."Yes," he answered.Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are youteaching my son in maths?"The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, theSon Of a bitch is four?"After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."Moral of the story :Teachers, please ensure your pronunciation is comprehensible tothe young and innocent students whom you teach 45
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  • 47. Student who obtained 0% in an exam 47
  • 48. 1- Wife & HusbandWife : "How have you managed to get home so early today?"Husband : "My boss lost temper with me and shouted "Go to hell". So Icame home."2- Black guy & A White GirlA black guy and a white girl met at a nightclub.She took him to her apartment and said: "Tie me to the bed and do whatblack men do best!"So he ran off with the TV and VCD...3- Wife & HusbandWife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"Husband: "I wish youre a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have aNEW ONE every morning!"4- Something wrongA Chinese couple got married. When their baby was born, she had big,blue eyes, curly, blonde hair and brown skin.They named her ... SAM TING LONG.5- Wedding nightsMan to wife on wedding night- "Are you sure Im the first man you aresleeping with?""Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!" 48
  • 49. 6- Not at all70 yr old man asks his wife: "Do u feel sad when u see me runningbehind young girls?"Wife replied: "No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they cant drive it."7- Dont disgrace your familyA young Chinese girl going on her 1st date.Her mother warned her.."1st he kisses your cheek; then hell kiss yourbreasts, youll enjoy; then he wants to go on top. You must not allow it soas not to disgrace our family name."Next day girl told Mom, "Everything happened exactly as you predicted. Ididnt allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family."8- Baby burntA white couple had a black baby..The husband doesnt believe that its his baby.Husband: "Why the baby black?"Wife: "U hot, I hot, baby burnt..!"9- Expiry dateWife: "Honey, what are you looking for?"Husband: "Nothing."Wife: "Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate foran hour?"Husband: " I was looking for the expiry date!"10- Why black?Boy: "Mom, why am I black and you are white?"Mom: "Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago,you should be thankful that you are not barking!!!" 49
  • 50. 9 People Can’t Make a Baby in aMonthUpper management love to think that a high priority projectwill get done faster if they simply throw more people at it.That is rarely the case and this quote by Fred Brookssums it up nicely. 50
  • 51. Sometimes there’s No Need to be CleverSometimes I find myself fighting against the decision toimplement the simplest solution. It may make the most sensebut may not be innovative, stylish or as edgy as I want it to be.By introducing a new innovative method to replace an alreadywell established convention potentially causes problems, can becounter productive, and most likely result in damaging yourbrand.It’s difficult because we’re expected to be innovative andcreative but frequently utilization of a web convention justmakes more sense and is better for the user.Sometimes there’s no need to be clever or original. 51
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