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10 bhm IEF-TIMD Lecture 10
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10 bhm IEF-TIMD Lecture 10

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  • 1. Building Healthy Marriages © 2002 International Educational Foundation IEF is responsible for the content of this presentation only if it has not been altered from the original. © IEF 1
  • 2. Build Own CharacterStrength Apartnership is only as strong as its partners  Strengthen conscience through study and service  Cultivate good goals, interests and friendships © IEF 2
  • 3. Focus on OwnDeficiencies, Not Spouse’s Practice self-discipline © IEF 3
  • 4. Commitment —Context for Love toGrow  Creates safety for intim acy Allows tim e to discoverspouse  Neverending process © IEF 4
  • 5. Commitment =Investment in theMarriage Close “escape hatches”  Workaholism  Preoccupation with child  Excessive television  Extram aritalaffair Divorce not an option © IEF 5
  • 6. Fidelity  Em bodies com m itm ent  Maintains honesty  Eases fears that block intim acy © IEF 6
  • 7. Love — Built on Trust Trust is built on virtue  Fidelity  Commitment © IEF 7
  • 8. “A mar iage thatcommands r l ty…r oyal equir each par es tner to r inquish sel el f-centeredness.” Judith S. Waler l stein, The Good Marriage © IEF 8
  • 9. True Love IsOther-Centered True Love © IEF 9
  • 10. Love RequiresInvestment Investment & Involvement Bonding Power Sustains & revives affection © IEF 10
  • 11. Deposits  Service  Kind gestures  Praise and appreciation © IEF 11
  • 12. Invest in theMarital “ BankAccount” Become friends  Build companionship  Have fun together 5 deposits for 1 withdrawal © IEF 12
  • 13. Withdrawals 1. Criticism 2. Personal attacks 3. Defensiveness 4. Putting up © IEF 13
  • 14. Develop ListeningSkills 1. State 2. Reflect 3. Affirm & clarify © IEF 14
  • 15. Listening from Spouse’ sPerspective — Effective  With em pathy  To understand © IEF 15
  • 16. Common Areas ofMarital Tension  Sex  In-Laws  Finances  Children © IEF 16
  • 17. Dealing with Anger  Never use physical violence  Allow time for cooling down  Get to the root emotions — Hurt & fear © IEF 17
  • 18. Marital Phases Conflict Romance © IEF 18
  • 19. Choices DuringConflict Resignati Separati on on Renewed Commitment © IEF 19
  • 20. Marital Phases Creativity & Service Conflict Romance Recommitment & Cooperation © IEF 20
  • 21. Public ServiceStrengthensMarriage  Spouses support each otherin service  Balance public and fam ily tim e © IEF 21
  • 22. “Love does notconsistin gazing ateach otherbut in l ooking togetherin the same direction.” Antoine De Saint-Exupery © IEF 22
  • 23. Happiest MarriagesInterdependent Interdepende nt Not too Too independentdependent © IEF 23
  • 24. Marriage Can BeHealing andRestorative Resolves psychologicalissues  Childhood scars  Fam ily history © IEF 24
  • 25. Marriage Can BeTransformative Maturing experience of adult life  Creative journey  Expands heart and awareness © IEF 25