Squeaky Clean Legacy 17.1: Looking For Love, Part Two
The Squeaky Clean Legacy, 17.1: Looking For
In Part One, our Genera.on Nine heiress had renewed her acquaintance with
Her brother Palomides opined as follows:
Palomides: Oh, EUGGH.
Gawaine: Excuse me, Palomides, is there something going on that I
ought to be informed about immediately?
Palomides: No, of course not. Listen, Elaine, don’t burn your boats,
okay? There’s a friend of mine I really, really want you to meet.
Ian Legacina: Remind me why we’re friends again?
Palomides: Because of my charm, emo.onal support, and general
Ian: Yes, but your family is always trying to sell me something. Pinball
machines, ice cream, light up reindeer—I always go home with
something I hadn’t really planned on.
Palomides: What, the light up reindeer didn’t light up or something?
Ian: It did, but that’s not the point.
Palomides: This isn’t like this at all. There’s this guy who’s interested in
my sister, and she’s too good for him. I thought I’d introduce you
and . . .
Ian: Sell me on the idea of da.ng her? No thanks.
Palomides: You’ll change your mind aQer you see her. Oh, I see you
Palomides: Psst. Cute, huh? Gorgeous, huh? I think you guys would
make the perfect couple, but don’t let me pressure you into anything.
Ian: Do you some.mes have the urge to stab your brother in the eye?
Elaine: Funny, that hadn’t occurred to me before, but it sounds like a
very good idea.
Elaine: Please forgive him. I’m sure he meant well.
Ian: Don’t worry about it. Everything he’s pressured me into has been
very cute. Especially the light up reindeer.
Elaine: How are your pork chops? They’re a family tradi.on.
Ian: They’re ﬁne. One thing that interests me about your family is the
way that they remind me of my family.
Parsifal: Even those who are pure of heart require pork chops.
Ian: Especially in the way they don’t have anything in common at all.
Elaine: We aren’t a very adventurous family, it’s true. And you probably
think our custom content is silly.
Ian: I wouldn’t say that. Your town is very diﬀerent from Terra Lostundo, but
I’ve enjoyed the peace and quiet. It’s nice to be somewhere where maniacs
don’t disrupt everything, including the weather paZerns. And everyone I’ve
met from your family has been very nice, even Palomides.
Elaine: . . . I’m, um. . . Conﬂicted? He’s so handsome. He’s got such pre9y
red hair. And he’s really nice! And I can tell he’s an interes>ng person
from an interes>ng place. And I’d really like. . .
. . . But what kind of True Love starts with a ﬁx up from your brother?
Ian: Now, what were you saying?
Elaine: A bad conversa>on! He thinks what I’m saying is boring. Isn’t he
supposed to like everything I say?
Elaine really does give it her best shot.
Elaine: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to spend so much .me talking about
romance novels. Maybe you’d like to play kicky bag?
And aQer a while, the ice was broken and they were both having a nice
Elaine: Hey! He’s fun! I’m actually having fun!
Elaine: But it’s not easy. There are some awkward moments! And isn’t
there supposed to be irresis>ble chemistry? Wouldn’t I know when my
love comes along? And my brother ﬁxed us up! And I’m embarrassed.
Elaine: Psst! Mr. Legacina?
Ian: Now you’re making me feel old. I’m Ian.
Elaine: Am I roman.c? Fascina.ng? Beau.ful? Do you adore me?
Ian: Can I say all that on the ﬁrst date? Why would you trust me if I did?
You must know you’re beau.ful. You don’t need me to tell you so. I can’t
make you more beau.ful. But to answer your ques.ons: maybe you’re a liZle
too roman.c. And I don’t adore you. I think moving fast is a really bad idea.
But you are really interes.ng and I like you and I hope we can be friends.
Elaine: Friends. If he was going to love me, he would never say we could be
Ian: Maybe she is a li9le fascina>ng. It’s impossible not to ﬁnd her charming.
And she wears her heart on her sleeve. That’s sweet.
But it’s also scary. She wants too much, too fast. And I don’t do that anymore.
I learned that the hard way.
Too bad. I hate to give up on her.
Elaine: Why is there a dancing Roman in here?
Because you invited him in.
Nausicaa: Has Nino been raking ever since I went to class?
Yes, he has.
Nausicaa: That’s so sweet! But he probably only wants one thing.
Nino: It’s really nice just si^ng here and talking to you. I never went to
college, and I don’t get much of a chance—I mean, people aren’t usually
interested in talking—
What I mean to say is that when I’ve dated, um, other people, things
usually are about—
Well, I’m not saying this right, but it’s nice to talk to someone who wants
to listen to me.
Marcus: I love making friends. Are you Elaine’s friend?
Ian: I hope I am. I’m a friend of the family.
Nino: And you like dancing with me and everything?
Hmm. Nino Caliente. Nausicaa wants FiQy Dream Dates and maybe it’s not a
good idea with him, but on the other hand, based on the way he’s ac.ng—
Maybe he’s beZer than everybody thought.
Alexandra Goth: Thanks for joining me, Vespasian. It’s nice to get away from
all the drama.
Vespasian: You mean the way everyone in town is living some kind of soap
Alexandra: It drives me crazy. Dad’s all right and Caspian’s all right—mostly,
but they don’t always make great choices. Even Mom—well, we don’t talk
about her anymore.
But all the grownups have such messy rela.onships. They think kids don’t
no.ce, but we do. I hoped we’d all get out of it when we came to college, but
some people brought it along. At least your family is preZy normal.
Vespasian: Funny you say that. My family leQ our home town to get
away from all the drama, too.
Alexandra: Messy rela.onships?
Vespasian: Mostly serial murders.
Vespasian: So my great‐great grandfather Marcellus packed up, leQ
Rome, and never looked back.
Vespasian: I don’t think we even think about being Caesars anymore.
Grandpa Domi.an just calls himself “Mr. Caesar.” And my grandma
Diana’s a Goodytwoshoes. She doesn’t seem to know anything. Grandpa
even calls her “Empress” as a pet name and she s.ll doesn’t get it.
Grandma’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but it’s kind of cute.
Vespasian: Speaking of messy rela.onships, I thought you were da.ng
Vespasian: That’s good. I don’t think people who are da.ng should see
other people that the people they’re da.ng don’t know about, even
when the other people are just friends, not that you’re da.ng Linus. It’s
just a good thing to know.
Alexandra: Anyway, thanks for coming and having lunch with me,
Vespasian. I always feel beZer aQer talking to you. I’m really glad I have
Cecil: Extremely late evening. Surely you are aware that there is a
substan.al .me zone diﬀerence between you and Takemizu.
Max: Yes, I did know, which is why I asked. In other words, you are calling
in the middle of the night. What is going on that is so important that you
have to call in the middle of the night? Is anything wrong with Mama?
Cecil: There is nothing wrong with your Mama, and the .me of day is
immaterial to me. I simply wished to inform you of our progress. . .
Max: . . . In curing whatever is not wrong with Mama. Go ahead.
Cecil: We did, as you may have surmised, seek out the Wise Old Man of
Cecil: I felt it might be useful to consult him aRer the Indigenous
Physician suggested it, although aRer he had presented me with a doll, I
was not especially sanguine about his judgment.
Wise Old Man: But Mr. Goodytwoshoes, you are far from being humble.
. . . AND you are impa.ent.
What has been must be and what is is, but what might be is not
necessarily what is if what has been is what is. Tea? No?
Wise Old Man: Then let me tell you an en.rely unrelated liZle story.
Wise Old Man: Are you si^ng comfortably? Then I shall begin.
Wise Old Man: . . .there was a lovely and innocent young maiden. She
was humble and unfailingly obedient to her elders.
Wise Old Man: Then great distress fell upon the maiden. The horrors of
Wrong, Injus.ce, and Death came into her peaceful existence.
She had always been pa.ent and obedient. She had never known that
pa.ence and obedience were not always a defense against adversity.
Her elders had failed her. Her educa.on had failed her. She did not know
what to do, and so she was able to do nothing.
Wise Old Man: She sought for help in the most unlikely of places.
Wise Old Man: An otherwise unremarkable tourist site became a place
for her to beg for wisdom and strength and star.ng anew.
Wise Old Man: And something new happened: a dragon appeared to her.
Cecil: This led to a happy ending, did it?
Wise Old Man: It was a very happy ending for the dragon.
Wise Old Man: I hope this has given you food for thought.
Elaine: Sigh. Zane and Lenore have the perfect rela>onship.
Do they really? They don’t have arguments, but that’s because Zane
agrees with everything Lenore says.
Lenore: And sports. Why do people have to talk about sports? That’s
another thing I don’t like. Just thinking about it makes me annoyed.
Zane: If you loathe sports I shall loathe them too, darling.
Lenore: Hold the phone. You’re not going to disagree at all? Ever?
You’re not even going to think about it?
Zane: But you are prac.cally perfect in every way!
Lenore: Oh, well.
Lenore: It’s hard to resist this kind of thing.
Angus: Thanks for joining me, Elaine. I had to get away from Lionel. He
keeps hi^ng me when I’m just trying to study, and no one else seems to
care. Some.mes I think you’re my only real friend.
Elaine: Poor Angus.
Angus: And besides. . . I keep remembering our date last year. I wanted
to tell you how swell I think you are.
Angus: You’re so graceful. . .and beau.ful, and there’s something about
you that just ﬁlls the world with Romance. It’s like. . .Valen.ne’s Day with
you all year round.
Elaine: Oh, STOP.
Angus: No, really. There’s something special about you. Look at you.
You’re absolutely adorable. There’s only one thing wrong with you.
Elaine: There’s something wrong with me?
Angus: Is that beZer? Don’t you feel more comfortable here?
Opening picture: John William Waterhouse, Psyche Opening The Golden Box.
Closing picture: John William Waterhouse, The Soul of the Rose.
Credits: Ian Legacina, Orikes, Pseudo Legacy.
Zane Devereaux, Peasant007, Devereaux Legacy.