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Other's comments p4a..
 

Other's comments p4a..

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    Other's comments p4a.. Other's comments p4a.. Document Transcript

    • Other’s comments to me: Forum: P4A POST Date: 04-12-2005 18:37 Author: BUMP, JEROME F <BUMP@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU> Subject Re: "..so knives out cook him up squash his head put it in a pot..." font is so small it is hard to read (for me) where is the audio? [Font size is not a problem for anyone else] Forum: P4A POST Date: 04-12-2005 21:45 Author: ROESNER, FRANZISKA <FRANZI@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU> Subject Re: "..so knives out cook him up squash his head put it in a pot..." Phil, Font size is fine for me... and definitely, yay for the topic choice. You work in lyrics well, it's really cool. Have you seen the music video to "Just"? If not, you should, it's really good, and kind of relates to how your project starts out. The teacher character is really good, and you do a good job integrating information without blatantly throwing it at the reader. "By now a crowd had gathered around the neurotic celebrity and people were making quite a commotion." That sentence is the only one in past tense surrounded by present tense. I think I don't have to spell out for you (literally, haha) how to change it. I really have no idea where you can add... maybe more dialogue towards the end? I dunno. It's great, I really enjoyed your project, as always. Franzi [I think the sentence needs to be in the tense it is in, but I’ll try and make it present tense.] Forum: P4A POST Date: 04-13-2005 12:29 Author: THANT, THIDA MYO <THIDATHANT@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU> Subject His hands are plug his ears and his eyes are shut tight... Your projects are always unique and I really like your writing style.
    • Great subject choice. This sentence has a typo I think: " His hands are plug his ears and his eyes are shut tight." "plugging" I think was what you meant. To add to your word count you can add more descriptions of the little places Thom Yorke is describing to you as you walk with him. The part I'm referring to starts around footnote 23. I know Franzi already said this, but the way you integrated the lyrics is great. You also developed Yorke's character very well and I found myself interested throughout your whole project. Your projects are always one of my favorites to read. Forum: P4A POST Date: 04-13-2005 13:50 Author: NEWMAN, ASHLIE ELISABETH <ASHLIE.NEWMAN@BBA04.MCCOMBS.UTEXAS.EDU> Subject Re: "..so knives out cook him up squash his head put it in a pot..." Hi Phil, As usual, your project is intriguing and well written. I really like the way in which you have incorporated the lyrics into the dialogue, and you have done a good job of developing the character of Thom Yorke. I'm not sure that you actually need to be too concerned about increasing the word count or anything like that - it feels complete as is to me. Here are a few things that I noticed: His hands are plug his ears and his eyes are shut tight *plugging? ¿Thomas, Thomas, Thomas,¿ she says matronly, holding her arms for an embrace *perhaps: ...she says, matronly holding her arms open for an embrace You start to wander a bit, taken in by the scenery. *You start to wander a bit as you are drawn in by the scenery. *what are you taken in / drawn in to? Once it was signed quit and let me know ¿in not so nice a manner! *Once it was signed, he quit and... -Ashlie Forum: P4A POST Date: 04-13-2005 20:39 Author: FISCHER, AMELIA RUIZ <AMELIAFISCHER@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU> Subject Re: "..so knives out cook him up squash his head put it in a pot..." phil-- i too feel like i should like radiohead and listen to them a lot... why is that? hmm, anyway, i really liked your project, i expected nothing less...by now im used to your style of writing.. i really really liked the beat cafe part and the drinks that were named after him.. hah. ok, so , something really picky....after footnote 10 the teacher says "I knew it right then and there ..." I think it would sound better if you were to say "I knew right then and there that..." because the "it' and the "that" in the
    • sentence ....well, you only need one of those. so take out the it. peace amelia Forum: P4A POST Date: 04-14-2005 11:46 Author: BERNSTEIN, JESSICA E. <JESSICA.BERNSTEIN@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU> Subject "Thomas, Thomas, Thomas..." Phil, Really well researched and thorough. It was a really good idea to use Thom Yorke to make us modern kids feel more connected to Oxford. The pictures are great because they really allow us to get into Thom's college sphere. And it gives you a lot of insight into Radiohead's music. "'Thomas, Thomas, Thomas,' she says matronly, holding her arms for an embrace." I'm not sure "matronly" can be used as an adverb. It's an adjective. Maybe you could substitute "with a matronly air," or somesuch. Also, I think you're missing the word "out" as in holding her arms out." "His smile fades and he begins to wonder off." Should that be "wander off"? "As you walk past a small shop, you peer in through the window and the little knickknacks they have on display." Change to "through the window AT the little knicknacks," since you're not peering through the knicknacks, I presume. "Thom continues his tour guiding pointing at little places here and there." I would suggest taking out "guiding" to make it flow more smoothly. To make it longer, you could add more to the final destination scene. It's a little odd how you only stay at Oxford for like two seconds. Talk more about Thom's experience there. Forum: P4A POST Date: 04-14-2005 22:51 Author: GLOVER, AMANDA SARAH <A.GLOVER@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU> Subject Re: "..so knives out cook him up squash his head put it in a pot..." Word crashing = EW. Sorry bout that. My friend Sarah calls Coldplay the "poor man's Radiohead." I have no idea what that means. But feel free to quote her.
    • "reminiscing about days of yore." Phil, you're my hero. Your project is so well researched! You also implemented pictures really well. In these two paragraphs: " You have finally reached what you gather to be the final destination of your journey¿Oxford University¿Thom¿s alma mater. Here at Exeter, Thom played keyboard for a techno band called Flickernoise¿an experience which would influence Radiohead¿s later sounds. He studied English and Art¿two of the predominant topics in Radiohead¿s lyrics. From song titles like ¿2+2=5¿ and ¿Paranoid Android,¿ one can glean the influences of literature. George Orwell, Douglas Adams, and countless other authors play a role in the allusions of the Radiohead lyric sheet. The artistic experimentalism is evident in the imagery created by the lyrics and the sonic landscapes created by the music. As the journey comes to a close, you are surprised at the amount of time that has elapsed since Thom¿s last depressive fit. As you walk out of the University, Thom¿s smile once again begins to fade. The comforting properties of a trip down memory lane are losing their effect on the delicate singer. He once again breaks down and bursts into tears. You comfort him and ask him what is wrong. You ask him to tell you why he is so dejected. " you have a great contrast of sentence length and structure... but at times, the last paragraph feels a little bit choppy. Maybe consider switching around/combining some of the sentences?
    • But that's really your choice, it does carry a certain tone you might be going for... Great project, Phil! Thanks! Amie:) Forum: P4A POST Date: 04-15-2005 15:09 Author: TICKER, REBECCA LAILA <BECCALUCY@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU> Subject Re: "..so knives out cook him up squash his head put it in a pot..." Phil, I really liked that you decided to do someone so modern who is of so much interest to you. I think it makes a big difference when we write about people to whom we are truly attached. A few corrections: "This walk is a long silent one, broken only by depressed half-thoughts. While walking, you take in the scenery of Oxford." Change to: "This walk is a long, silent one, broken only by depressed half-thoughts. You take in the scenery of Oxford." It seemed repetive to say "while walking" in the second sentence since you've just established that you are on a walk. You turn and see Thom frenetically pacing back and forth searching for something or someone. ¿¿Where are you when I need you?!...Alone!...Who are my real friends? Have they all go the Bends?!...¿¿1[ Change "frentically" to "frantically" and should it be: "Have they all got the Bends?!" I find it really interesting that you use second person throughout your paper. You never put yourself in the story, but rather put the reader directly in the story. While writing, do you feel like you are that "you" or are you just an observer? To add more words, I would bulk up your introduction. Within two sentences you come upon a man curled up - give us more descriptive background. Also, you mention "delicate details." Could you include some that expand more on Thom's manic depression? Good work, I really learned a lot. Becca 1
    • Forum: P4A POST Date: 04-15-2005 20:42 Author: PAN, VICTORIA <VICTORIA.P@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU> Subject At first you are taken aback by his ugliness.... I really enjoyed your project! You begin to develop his personality early on in the conversation ¿ ¿you are caught off-guard by his forwardness, but this will not be the last time¿¿ ¿ and do a great job of building on it as the project progresses! ¿At first you are taken aback by his ugliness, but then you remember that you are IN England and everyone looks like this more or less.¿ To increase your word count, it would be interesting if you mentioned the bands in rock history that have influenced Radiohead. Great job on seamlessly incorporating lyrics into your writing! They fit the flow of the conversation extremely well and added to the authenticity of the project! Forum: P4A POST Date: 04-17-2005 17:08 Author: PATTEN, ERIN LYNAE <ERINP03@HOTMAIL.COM> Subject Suggestions Phillip, I really like your pictures because they provide a great visual for what¿s being discussed in your story. I have a few grammatical suggestions. Here they are: My how time flies! My, how time flies! While walking, you take in the scenery of Oxford. The buildings, the landscape, it is everything you had seen in the pictures.
    • At this point, you could possibly name which buildings you¿re walking by and also describe their architecture and the landscape. Your descriptions are awesome, but I think this could help to establish the sense of place. Once it was signed quit and let me know ¿in not so nice a manner! I¿m not sure if this sentence is a direct quote, but I think it should read: Once it was signed, he quit and let me know ¿in not so nice a manner!¿ Erin