(My deepest and most sincere apologies to Henry Livingston!)It was the night before Christmas and in the bedroom of our house,I was seductively taking off my sexy red blouse.
Earlier we had hung up the stockings with care,But best of all my mother was out of our hair.
The children were supposed to be nestled snug in their beds,instead of jumping around, not fearing for their heads."Have we been born in the story yet, Erin?""Nope. The author likes showing us off, though. She and Dad have the same obsession over our red hair and noses.""Yay, spoilers!""Yay! Were cute!"
So me in my lingerie, and Rhys without a capWere about to settle down for a nice Christmas..."nap.""So, Ede, not that Im complaining or anything--""Yes you are.""Okay, yeah I am. Is my wearing this absolutely necessary?"
"I do so love a man in uniform."
"Does a Santa Claus outfit really count as a uniform? Do I have to wear the padding, too?""Yes.""Its impossible to keep on. I had to stuff part of it into my pants so the belt could hold it in place.""Rhys...are you saying you stuff your pants?""NO! You know I dont...Youre laughing at me!""De says that sometimes you just walk right into them. She was right."
"Yeah, speaking of that: Ill never live it down if Cassius finds out about this. Or my father. Oh my God, I didnt even think about him!""They wont, sweetie. I dont make it a habit to talk about our bedroom activities.""Uh huh, and yet somehow these things always have a way of getting out. I blame the internet. Where did you get this anyway?""A fan sent it to me.""And that doesnt strike you as odd?""Its not the strangest thing Ive received. Not by far.""Mmhmm. Are you almost done?""Just about. Close your eyes."
"Alright, theyre closed.""Before you open your eyes, I just want to say something. You have been so incredibly supportive through everything thats happened. My mother,my pregnancy, the media constantly in your face. You even wore the Santa outfit even though it was ridiculous.""You mean this was all--""Please wait, Im not finished. There is nothing I can give you that will come close to what you have given to me. Youve been my rock. And so Imgoing to give you the only thing I can give: me. And I should have told you a long time ago that I love you, Rhys. I dont know what I would dowithout you. You dont have to say it back and I know why you dont. But I just wanted to let you know. Im giving you me. You can open youreyes now."
"Wow. That...that is an awesome Christmas present. Seriously, this is the best Christmas ever, especially since Im not being visited by three ghostswho are going to doom and gloom at me about an apocalypse.""Good, Im glad you like it. Theres another present for you under the tree for you to open tomorrow so the kids dont ask why you didnt get one.""Do I have to wait until tomorrow to open this present? Or do I get to open it early?"
"Well, youve been a very good boy this year, so you can have this present early.""Outstanding. So, would you like to sit on my lap and show me what a good girl youve been?""I thought youd never—did you hear that?"When out on the lawn I could hear someone splatterFrom the rooftop they fell, someones bones might have shattered!
Over to the window Rhys stomped in a flash.He swore out loud he was gonna kick someones ass."Its probably some weirdo stalker, or worse! Like Cassius! Or reporters! Or... or Cassius!""Honey, I doubt its Cassius.""HES TRYING TO COCKBLOCK ME! ON CHRISTMAS! I WANT MY PRESENT, DAMMIT!"
The moon shone brightly on the newly fallen snowwhich made it easier for him to see the "cockblocker" below."You have got to be kidding me!""What is it?"
And what to his furious eyes did appear?It was some "random hobo" petting the electric reindeer!
"Its a homeless old guy," he muttered to me real quick.And he told me the guy was hardly wearing a lick!"Its strange, but still not as strange as a fan giving you a Santa suit.""I told you, Ive gotten far stranger gifts. Is the guy okay? It sounded like he fell from the roof!""He looked okay to me. Like I said, he was petting the electric reindeer."
Wearing a red union suit and hair that looked like mange,the man started ranting and calling out names."I checked the Lewis, the Landgraabs, and the Simselves to boot!I just cant be Santa without my fuzzy red suit!"
"Some man took it from me, he came from the sky.In a blue box it was, and somehow it could fly!He told me I could find it from someone I knew.But I know everyone! Every Tom, Dick and Sue!"
"Of course its the last house, darn and blast it all!Why are you wearing it? What gives you the balls?"
"To add insult to injury I just fell from your roof.And now youre laughing like Im some goddamn goof.I want my clothes back, you deviant sex hounds.Dry cleaning costs extra for any stains that are found!"
"Um, ew.""Yeah, thats pretty gross.""And creepy.""Very creepy. And inconceivable. I have 10 Neat points after all.""For shame, Ang. For shame.""Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself. On Christmas, no less!"
"Im coming in there, Im putting down my foot.Otherwise your stockings will be stuffed, filled with only soot."
The two of us gasped and we hit our heads with a smack."It was a simple mistake, we ought to give his clothes back!""Ede, I thought you said that the outfit was given to you by a fan.""It was! It was an anonymous package. There was nothing dangerous found in it; it was checked. How was I supposed to know that it was actuallythe real Santas outfit?""I knew this was a bad idea. Remind me to never do this again.""Does that mean no more knight in shining armor saving the damsel in distress, too?""...Lets not be too hasty, here. I just meant no more Santa and his little helper.""Oh, okay. You had me worried for a second."
We ran from the room, we caused such a flurry.I forgot what I was wearing we were in such a hurry.
And thats when I saw them with their striking red hair:Erin and Quinn had some curious stares.
"Um, Dad...?""Why do you have stuffing underneath your clothes?"
"Youll understand when youre older," Rhys said with a wink.Oh God, weve corrupted them; they didnt even blink.
"Take it off now!" Santa shouted down in the hall."The children are watching," we said, trying to stall.
"Then put the tykes to bed, the nights getting late.I wont leave my suit to this undignified fate!"
"Listen here old man, this suit was a gift.Id like to finish receiving it...if you catch my drift."
"Mom? What does Dad mean?""Well...""Is he corrupting young and impressionable minds again? Vaughn said that it was his solemn duty as our big brother to warn us about that.""Your father is not corrupting anyone. Hes just...just...""Fighting with Santa.""Yes. Hes fighting with Santa."
Then with a weird grinding noise and a bright blinking light,the TARDIS arrived interrupting the fight.
"Hey Santa," Keith said, "Why arent you getting to work?I left your suit with that Alexander Goth jerk."
"Wait, what? Youre kidding, right?"
"Santa, do I look like a foolish man? Wait, let me rephrase that. Do I look like a guy who would play cruel jokes at the expense of others? Wait, letme rephrase that as well. Okay, do I look like Im being insincere? You know what? Never mind. Heres the deal: I gave Alexander your Santa suitbecause I thought that he would wear it and get his hanky-panky on with his wife and youd get all pissed. Well, I was right about the pissed part,but Rhys isnt wearing your suit. He and Eden are just being weird."
"Hey, wait a minute. You said that you checked everyones house; that this was the last house on your list. Why didnt you find your suit at theGoths place?"
"There is a simple explanation for that: not everyone in the Goth household is on my Nice list. Thats why I didnt check there."
"But you came here.""Yes, I did.""That means everyone in the house is on your Nice list...including me.""...Yes, you are on the list. For now. Its written in pencil, its only probationary, and the list only applies to this Mini-Verse. But yes, you are on it."
"You know what? Ill take it."
"So this was my bad," Santa said with a whistle.And he shot out the door like some kind of missile.
"Well Merry Christmas to all, my job here is done.Now off to Alexanders to watch some more fun!"
And so ends this poem, sad but its true.Merry Christmas from the Devereauxs, and Happy New Year, too!***--->