The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers
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Presented as a warm-up session during J and Beyond 2011 conference

Presented as a warm-up session during J and Beyond 2011 conference

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  • Thanks for featuring this presentation, and to Marcos and Sander for linking the videos. This presentation was done (first in Dutch, next in English) for the Joomla community at the Dutch Joomladays and the J and Beyond conference in Kerkrade (NL) in 2011. This group of people is probably the warmest, kindest, most welcoming and inspiring crowd you an imagine, making presenting for them a truly satisfying experience. Joomla rocks !!
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  • And see (hear) performance live here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcGVt1Rhnls
    or here: http://vimeo.com/23494154
    Awesome Paul Delbar, lives up to his Joomla legend :)
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  • Check the video of the balled on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFHYfK2EzX8
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  • Royal Academy for the Advancement of Understanding of Stupid Customers and the Behavior thereof
  • Dear Customer, I love you so, but something I must tellfrom time to time you turn my life into a bleeding hellI cannot sleep, I beat my wife and drink until I'm blueBut change is in the air tonight and what must change is you
  • I'll document precisely what I think you really meantbecause I'm trying to avoid discussions at the endI'll write it down on paper for you to read and signI'll build your site, I'll turn it live and it will be sublime
  • Customers are Stupid,Customers are foolsThey don't know what they really need, like they never went to schoolsThey can be very irritating and so, my Friend, are youso go and mend your silly ways and try to get a clue
  • Everything in life must end, as fixed price contracts doyou'll get what you have ordered down to the final screwBut should you ask for one more thing, as simple as it mayI'll draw up an addendum and you will need to pay
  • Customers are Stupid, Some are greedy tooThey hope they'll never have to pay for the things they make you doNow I don't work for nothing, I'm sure you understandso be a sport,call your bank and pay me cash in hand
  • I know that I'm not perfect and there's an error on your screenbut what you said about me and that sheep was really meanI'll fix the bug and hope that that will lighten up your moodperhaps you'll quiet down again and stop being so rude
  • Customers are Stupid, angry and irateBut all that cursing in my ears doesn't help me concentrateSo please stop screaming on the phone, don't uppercase your mailLeave me be to find the problem that makes your pages fail
  • I think you understand by now I've had it up to hereyou'll have to change your ways a bit, I hope it's crystal clearShould you return tomorrow for another Joomla gigthen we will do things my way or I'll gut you like a pig
  • Customers are Stupid, Customers are dumbBut maybe if we help them, all these faults are overcomeIf you set your mind free baby, maybe you'll understandCustomers are useful and some are downright grand
  • To this enlightened audience, there's one thing left to sayI'll give you one more golden rule to live by every dayCustomers are people just like you and meI hope that you will all become a happy family

The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers Presentation Transcript

  • 1.
  • 2. The Ugly Truth AboutStupid Customers
    A Scientific Approach
  • 3. Raise Your Hand
    If You Have Ever Encountered Such A Customer
  • 4. Introductory Remarks
  • 5. Introductory Remarks
    This Presentation is the Result of years of Scientific Research into the Behavior of the SpeciesHomo Customeris Stupidus
    Sponsored by the Rl.Ac.f.t.A.o.U.o.S.C.a.t.B.t
    Conducted by Eminent Specialists in the fields of Psychology, Anthropology, Econometrics and Sociopathic Sciences
  • 6. Introductory Remarks
    Less Enlightened Pseudo-Scientists have claimed that there is No Such Thing as 'a Stupid Customer ' …
    For Years, Renowned Scientists have Documented many Observations of this Species in the Wild !
    WRONG !
  • 7. However !
    While the Customeris Stupidus does in fact Exist, it is a rather Rare and Shy Creature
    Most Observations have been exposed as cases of Confusion with the Customeris Vulgaris !
    Such mis-classification is known to have Desastrous Consequences!
  • 8. What We Shall Present Today
    A Correction of the hitherto available Classification of the Customeris Stupidus
    A Proven Approach to avoid the Potentially Lethal Consequences of Exposure to this Species
    May we ask the Gentlemen in the audience to cover the Eyes of the Ladies when necessary
  • 9. Homo Customeris Frustratus
    « I Thought You Knew That »
  • 10. Customer: What did you say ? Translate the content myself ? Not automatic, is it ? I thought that was going to be done automatic ally !
    Had I know you were incapable of
    building this I would have gone with
    Drupal, my friend assured me that
    his site does all that and more, he
    doesn't need to bother at all, well,
    you've really put me in a difficult
    spot with your Open Source
    approach, I won't fall for that again !
    You: But when I asked you during our first meeting whether you needed
    a multi-lingual site,
    why did you say 'No' ?
  • 11. Managing Expectations
    It has been ProvenbeyondreasonabledoubtthatCustomeris Frustratus does NOT exist
    Frustratus is often confused with cases of AcuteDisappointment, which can lead to chronic Displeasure
    The only Approach known to work is Prevention by usingDocumentation
  • 12. Customer: Er … you're right.
    How stupid of me.
    You: But why did you
    not react when we
    presented our initial
    analysis document ?
  • 13. Home Customeris Alwaysmohrus*
    The Ever Expanding Expextation
    † after Prof.Dr. Ursula.K.Always-Mohr (°1934 – †2009)
  • 14. Customer: So you're saying you think it's Normal that my Site isn't compatible with Explorer XXVI ? The entire 3D-effect is missing, I'ld say
    that's not the quality you would expect from a professional webdesigner,
    perhaps I
    should have
    worked with
    another company
    altogether …
    You: But how was I to foresee in 2011
    what technology would be current
    30 years later ?
  • 15. Avoiding 'Scope Creep'
    Prof. Always-Mohr discovered that in all likelihood, the Alwaysmohrus (also known as Extendum Continuum) became extinct around 1430
    Since then, documented sightings have proven to be cases of regular Customeris (Customeris Vulgaris) withincreasedAssertivitylevels
    In such cases, it is Capital to write down all Promises in a Contract
  • 16. You: But doesn't the contract clearly mentions which browser versions we will test against ?
    Customer: Er … you're right.
    How stupid of me.
  • 17. Homo Customeris Reclamatus
    The Unhappy Customer
  • 18. Customer: You promised me the site would be ready today, I've got
    a Board meeting in an hour
    and now I see a missing image,
    on the home page no less, in the
    section the Boss wrote himself,
    I'm making a fool of myself if this
    comes up on the screen, you bunch
    of incompetent morons, you'll
    give me an ulcer, wait till my Legal Department get their hands on
    you lot, they'll skin you !!
    You: … (lost for words)
  • 19. Dealing With Reclamatus
    Demonstration
  • 20. Customer: Er … you're right.
    How stupid of me.
    You: I understand this must be very annoying
    for you, and I'm sorry. Perhaps we can discuss later what can be done to avoid this in the future, but I'll quickly fix the image and make your demo a success.
    How about that ?
  • 21. Conclusion
  • 22. Remain Vigilant !
    Time is Lacking to discuss
    Customeris Pauperis (who cannot pay you just now)
    Customeris Amateurus (who ruined the site by upgrading to 1.6)
    Customeris Ignoramus (who thinks the Facebookfeature set is part of a standard website installation)
    To Guide you, we've composed a little Song
  • 23. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
  • 24. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
    Intro
    Dear Customer, I love you so, but something I must tell
    from time to time you turn my life into a bleedin' hell
    I cannotsleep, I beat my wife and drink until I'm blue
    But change is in the air tonight and what must change is you
  • 25. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
    1st Verse
    I'll document precisely what I think you really meant
    because I'm trying to avoid discussions at the end
    I'll write it down on paper, for you to read and sign
    I'll build your site, I'll turn it live and it will be sublime
  • 26. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
    Chorus
    Customers are Stupid, acting like a fool
    They don't know what they really need,
    like they never went to school
    They can be very irritating and so, my Friend, are you
    so go and mend your silly ways and try to get a clue
  • 27. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
    2nd Verse
    Everything in life must end, so my fixed price contracts do
    you'll get what you have ordered, down to the final screw
    But should you ask for one more thing, as simple as it may
    I'llwrite up an addendum and tell youwhat to pay
  • 28. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
    Chorus
    Customers are Stupid, some are greedy too
    They hope they'll never have to pay for the things they make you do
    Now I don't work for nothing, neverdone and neverwill
    so be a sport, call your bank and pay the final bill
  • 29. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
    3rd Verse
    I know that I'm not perfect and there's an error on your screen
    but what you said about me and that sheep was really mean
    I'll fix the bug and hope thatthatwill lighten up your mood
    perhaps you'll quiet down again and stop being so rude
  • 30. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
    Chorus
    Customers are Stupid, angry and irate
    But all that cursing in my ears doesn't help me concentrate
    So please stop screaming on the phone and uppercase your mail
    Leave me be to find the problem that makes your pages fail
  • 31. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
    4th Verse
    I think you understand by now I've had it up to here
    you'll have to change your ways a bit, I hope it's crystal clear
    Should you return tomorrow for another Joomla gig
    then we will do things my way or I'll gut you like a pig
  • 32. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
    Chorus
    Customers are Stupid, Customers are dumb
    But maybe if we help them, all these faults are overcome
    If you set your mind free baby, maybe you'll understand
    Customers are useful and some are downright grand
  • 33. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer
    Epilogue
    To this enlightened audience, there's one thing left to say
    I'll give you one more golden rule to live by every day
    Customers are people just like you and me
    I hope that you will all become a happy family
  • 34. The End
    paul.delbar@delius.be - @pdelbar