Jokes

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Jokes

  1. 1. Banta wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order abirthday cake.The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.Well he thinks for a while and says:Let’s put, “you are not getting older you are getting better”.The salesman asks, “How do you want me to put it?”Sardar says, Well put “You are not getting older”, at the top and You are getting better”at the bottom.The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched themessage decorated on the cake:“You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom”.Only small babiesA tourist from United States comes to visit India and he sees a sardar. He asked aquestion to him:
  2. 2. Tourist: Any great men born in this village?Sardar: No sir, only small babies!!! • • •Why’s Santa’s phone OFF bhai??Santa : I tried your number so many times, it always said ‘Switched Off’!Banta : Nahi Pape, it’s my HELLO TUNE! • • •Dead Men Don’t BleedBanta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.His delusionbecame such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
  3. 3. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is stillalive. Nothing seemed to work.Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceededto show Banta that dead men don’t bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemedconvinced that dead men don’t bleed.“Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” the doctor asked.“Yes, I do,” Banta replied.“Very well, then,” the doctor said.He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood.The doctor asked, “What does that tell you?”“Oh my goodness!” Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger …“Dead men do bleed!!”Office MemoDear Staff,It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see youwearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing wellfinancially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learnto manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do notneed a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
  4. 4. you do not need a raise.Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday andSunday.Lunch Breaks:Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can lookhealthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintaintheir average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time neededto drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go tothe doctor, you are able to come to work.Restroom Use:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute timelimit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll willretract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender”category.Surgery:As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not considerremoving anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute abreach of employment.Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positiveemployment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
  5. 5. Have a nice week. Actually a microwave oven Subscribe for free and receive daily "Mast Egg Entertainment" dose in your email: Email:• 0diggsdigg••• 0 Email Share• Sharebar • 0diggsdigg • • • 0Email Share Santa Singh goes into an electrical goods store, you know one of these stores that sells fridges, TVs etc. Santa walks up to the salesman, points and says, “I want to buy this TV.” The salesman say, “Sorry, we do not sell anything to surds.”
  6. 6. So Santa goes away and comes back two hours later after having a haircut, points andsays,“I want to buy this TV.”The salesman once again replies, “Sorry, we do not sell anything to surds.”Santa goes away again and comes back two hours later with his beard and moustachealso shaved, points and says,“I want to buy this TV”.The salesman once again replies, “Sorry, we do not sell anything to Surds, Why are youwasting your and my time? Don’t come back in the shop again!”Santa says sheepishly, “OK, you do not sell to Surds. But tell me how did you figure outthat I was a surd even after I had shaved my hair, mustache and beard.The salesman replied, “Because that TV you want to buy is actually a microwaveoven.” •BefooledOnce Banta went to Bombay. While passing through a road he saw a very high building.He was amazed to see it, and decided to count its stories. As he was doing so a townsmansaw him and tried to befool him.So he approached Banta and asked, “What are you doing?”
  7. 7. When he told the answer, the townsman said that one had to pay two rupees for everystorey counted.“How many have you counted?”Banta said ten and gave the man twenty rupees. Walking away Banta was very happy tothink how he has befooled the other man for he had counted twenty. • • •I want toilet paperBanta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths’s (Ubiquitious grocery store inAustralia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food andgoes to check out.The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probablyfeed cat food to his kids.Continue Reading »Submitted by: Pradeep • • •Why’s Santa’s phone OFF bhai??
  8. 8. Santa : I tried your number so many times, it always said ‘Switched Off’!Banta : Nahi Pape, it’s my HELLO TUNE! • • •I am goingSanta: I am going ka matlab batao.Banta: Main ja raha hoon.Santa: Main nahi jane dunga, pehle matlab bata.Submitted by: MAYANK
  9. 9. • • •No C!!Santa meets his friend BantaSanta : A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B…!Banta : Oye, Iska Matlab ?Santa : Kuch Nahin Yaar, I Mean Long Time No C..! • • •98 Years Old SantaOld man Santa limped into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, my knee hurts sobad, I can hardly walk!”
  10. 10. The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, “Mr. Santa, justhow old are you?”“98!” Santa announced proudly.The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again…Continue Reading » • • •Name plate outside your houseBanta Singh : “Yaar Santa, last year the name plate outside your house read SantaSingh, B.A. This year it reads Santa Singh, M.A.When did you finish your MastersDegree?”Santa Singh : You don’t understand. Last year my wife died, I put B.A. to indicate“Bachelor Again”. Then I took a second wife, So M.A. is “Married Again”. • • •
  11. 11. See the balancingEk baar ek kavi sammelan chal raha tha. Bhaut se kavi bore kar rahe they. Ek sardar sejab nahi raha gaya toh woh khud stage par aaya aur bola ab suniye.Ek kutta… Loge bole wah wahSardar phir bola Ek kutta, kutte ke uper kuttaLog phir bole wah wah wahSardar phir bola kutta, kutte ke oper 2 kuttey,Unkey oper 3 kutte, Ab log silent ho gaye thodi der baad ek aur sardar bole wah wahManch wala sardar phir bola kutta, kutte ke oper 2 kute, unke oper 3 kutte, unkey oper 4kutteAudience sardar pareshan hokar bola, bhai ye kaun sa sher hua? Manch wala sardabola, abe tu sher mat sun tu balancing ko dekh….
  12. 12. Submitted by: dilip kumar srivastava • • •How to decide???Banta and Santa buy one race horse each after learning about big money in racing.Says Banta, “How do we identify which horse is mine and which one is yours?”Santa Singh replies, “I will cut the tail of my horse and so the horse without a tailwill be mine and the one with a tail will be yours.”Continue Reading » • • •Banta’s DateBanta called his friend Santa and told him that he recently met the woman of hisdreams. Now what should he do?Santa said, “Send her some flowers and on the card invite her for a home-cooked meal.”
  13. 13. Banta liked the idea, so he invited the woman.The day after the meal Santa calls Banta and asks about the meal.Banta, “It was a flop idea.”Santa, “Didn’t the girl come to your house?”Banta, “She did, but she refused to cook!” • • •Side A – Side BOnce Santa Singh and Banta Singh were going in a jungle, Suddenly they saw onetiger coming towards them.To save themselves they climbed a tree and both sat on one branch. The tiger came underthe tree and sat down.
  14. 14. Santa told Banta, ” Yaar just to pass Time Why don’t you sing some song”Banta Singh started to sing. After singing four songs Banta hanged upside down on thebranch and then again sung four songs.Continue Reading » • • •I am goingSanta: I am going ka matlab batao.Banta: Main ja raha hoon.Santa: Main nahi jane dunga, pehle matlab bata.Submitted by: MAYANK • • •Birthday cake
  15. 15. Banta wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order abirthday cake.The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.Well he thinks for a while and says:Let’s put, “you are not getting older you are getting better”.The salesman asks, “How do you want me to put it?”Continue Reading »Submitted by: Black Rose • • •Santa and Banta in MumbaiSanta Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Mumbai. They managed to get into adouble-decker bus.Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed tothe top.
  16. 16. After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh.He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared todeath.Continue Reading » • • •Cool answers in an interviewSanta and Banta are two friends and Santa Singh has a very good job.Banta Singh is jobless and one day asks Santa to help him get some good Job.Santa singh says, “OK, next time we will apply together.” and they do.On interview day, Santa singh says, “First I will go inside and answer all questionsexcept the last one, and after coming out, I will give you all the answers and questions.Then you go in and answer everything and You will get the Job.”So, Santa goes in.EMPLOYER: When did we get independence?SANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but we got freedom in 1947.EMPLOYER: Good. Who is our PM?SANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.EMPLOYER: OK. What’s India’s population?
  17. 17. SANTA: (He was not to reply the last one so he says) Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you, Sir. Continue Reading » Cool answers in an interview Subscribe for free and receive daily "Mast Egg Entertainment" dose in your email: Email:• 0diggsdigg••• 0 Email Share• Sharebar • 0diggsdigg • • • 0Email Share Santa and Banta are two friends and Santa Singh has a very good job. Banta Singh is jobless and one day asks Santa to help him get some good Job. Santa singh says, “OK, next time we will apply together.” and they do. On interview day, Santa singh says, “First I will go inside and answer all questions except the last one, and after coming out, I will give you all the answers and questions. Then you go in and answer everything and You will get the Job.”
  18. 18. So, Santa goes in. EMPLOYER: When did we get independence? SANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but we got freedom in 1947. EMPLOYER: Good. Who is our PM? SANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee. EMPLOYER: OK. What’s India’s population? SANTA: (He was not to reply the last one so he says) Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you, Sir. Now he comes out and tells the questions and answers to Banta Singh. Banta Singh (True SARDAR that he is) remembers all answers and forgets the questions. He goes in now. EMPLOYER: When were you born? BANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947. EMPLOYER: What? Who is your father? BANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee. EMPLOYER (Now quite upset): Are you mad Mr. Banta? BANTA: Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you Sir. Submitted by: Pradeep• 0diggsdigg••
  19. 19. • 0 Email Share• Sharebar • 0diggsdigg • • • 0Email Share Sign on a railway station at Patna: Aana free, jaana free, Pakde gaye to khana free. Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay: Don’t whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother! Seen on a bulletin board: Success is relative More the success, more the relatives.
  20. 20. Sign at a barber’s saloon in Juhu, Bombay:We need your heads to run our business.A traffic slogan:Don’t let your kids drive if they are not old enoughor else they never will be.THE BEST ONE:Its God’s responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizationsIt’s our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god.- Indian Armed Forces1. What is height of Fashion?- Dhoti with a zip .**************2. What is height of Secrecy?- Offering blank visiting cards.**************
  21. 21. 3. What is height of Active laziness?- Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.**************4. What is height of Craziness?- Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.**************5. What is height of Forgetfulness?- Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.**************6. What is height of Stupidity?-A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.**************7. What is height of Honesty?- A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.**************8. What is height of Suicide?- A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.**************9. What is height of De-hydration?- A cow giving milk powder.**************

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