Why don’t you ever praise me?
The dictionary defines praise as the act of expressing approval, admiration or
commendation. Every one of us desires praise at some level, and in one form or
another. Praise is a member of the family of emotional needs: validation, recognition,
approval, acceptance, support, encouragement, significance, self-expression, bonding,
friendship, and so forth.
Children and praise
Many of my adult clients suffer from various emotional symptoms as a result of not
receiving praise as a child which is also equivalent to validation and guidance. Adults
who didn’t receive praise as a child often suffer from self-doubt, insecurity and a
lingering sense of not being or feeling good enough. Some turn into perfectionists,
workaholics, or highly judgmental people. Unfortunately, today, the balance has tipped in
favor of unhealthy praise by parents for their children.
Unhealthy refers to false praise which can create even more emotional problems into
adulthood such as narcissism, vanity, depression and the inability to form meaningful
and fulfilling relationships.
Healthy praise is the act of expressing approval, admiration, commendation,
congratulations and credit for specific reasons and particularly for accomplishments.
The key to all praise is that it be deserved. Here are some other tips for praising
children:
• Praise a child based on her own progress (teach her to improve her own
performance rather than compete with others)
• Encourage good behavior with praise
• Reward the attainment of specific goals, not just participation
• Praise small improvements and successes
• Be descriptive and specific with your praise
Few adults, business leaders and even CEOs of major companies know how to praise
properly and effectively. Most of us don’t realize that whatever it is that you praise, you
will get more of. I was training a group of hotels from one of the world’s largest hotel
chains. I asked participants to take turns in giving praise to fellow team members. I
asked one gentleman to stand up and praise the head chef. This man stood up and
proceeded to congratulate the chef for the superb Seafood Omelette, mentioning how
much he enjoyed it. I asked the participants if they believed the chef would want to cook
that same omelette again. The answer was a resounding yes. Now I began to praise the
chef for the same omelette: I mentioned the creativity, presentation, hard work, thought,
care and time the chef had given to prepare this omelette as well as the result and
pleasure I received from it. I asked the chef which praise did he prefer, mine or the other
man’s. He said mine. Why? I praised his specific qualities and dish rather than just the
specific dish; my praise encouraged him to express more of these qualities rather than
cook more of the same omelettes. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the man who gave

the initial praise was a manager of one of the hotels. Later, when we spoke, he said he
now understood why his wife cooks the same dish almost day after day – he kept
praising just the dish and not her qualities, and, so she gave him more of what he
praised!
Incidentally, in the corporate world, more emphasis is placed on criticism than praise and
encouragement. For that reason many people resent their job, boss and company.
We express praise in many ways. We applaud the performance of singers, dancers and
actors; we cheer for our sports teams and players; we tip waiters and other hospitality
staff; we express affection – we hug friends and family. The praise most of us seek is
from our loved ones and the people closest to us – parents, siblings, husband, wife,
boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. Most of us believe that if the person is important to us, then
what they say is also important.
I never received the praise of my father so I never believed he was interested or proud of
my achievements or accomplishments. In fact, he focused on criticism rather than praise
and it takes six times more praise to neutralize one criticism. Nonetheless, one of the
results for me was that I never learned to enjoy, appreciate, acknowledge or recognize
my accomplishments. Instead, I simply turned my attention to the next challenge. The
benefit was that I created and accomplished a lot in a very small amount of time. The
disadvantage was that I would hover between bouts of apathy towards praise and bouts
of seeking, desiring and almost demanding praise in relationships. Worse, I did not know
how to praise nor understand the significance of praise. Remember, you cannot speak
or express a language that you have never learned. Accordingly, I made a concerted
effort to learn to give praise. And this is the key: begin to praise others and yourself -
recognize your own achievements, successes and accomplishments as well as those of
others. The more good you see in others, the more good you will see in you, and the
more good you see in you, the more good you will see in others. Begin today to learn the
language of praise by expressing it: applaud, honor, congratulate, pay tribute to, credit,
respect, commend, admire and approve others. Write it; say it; express it today! And
when you do it, don’t do it expecting a response from the person receiving it – simply
give it away! You might need to push yourself at first to notice praiseworthy things and to
express praise, but you will see small yet powerful changes as you keep doing it.
Who am I?
I am a Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert. I provide
Weight loss hypnosis programs and many other Hypnosis programs.