What do you value?
In this week’s article, I would like to explain the link between your values and your
misery or success.
Now let’s talk about clashing values and your success or failure.
Divorce attorneys identify that the top two causes for divorce are money and sex. What
the divorce attorneys fail to tell you is that the real cause of divorce is arguments over
money and sex. In other words, the arguments stem over clashing values and beliefs
regarding money and sex. Clashing values lead to the breakdown of relationships,
friendships and businesses. Identical or complimentary values lead to flourishing
relationships in all areas of life.
I have said before that the very first step to success is to identify what you want in life.
And to do that, you need to clearly establish what is important and meaningful to you –
your values. Values can be defined as: A principle, standard, or quality considered
worthwhile or desirable. In other words, your Core Values is a list of the primary things or
qualities that are important in your life.
Values vary from one person to another: Affection and compassion to freedom and God,
from intimacy and leadership to purpose and trust, from security and wealth to wisdom
and winning. In my book, soul mates, I offer a long list of over 100 values to help you to
identify your Core Values.
In a moment, I will share with you the exercise to help you establish your core values –
your top ten values but first, I would like to clarify a major misconception. When I
mention clashing values people often respond with “But I thought opposites attract?” and
some people even cite examples of healthy marriages that have lasted decades; where
the husband and wife seem so different like chalk and cheese. Opposites do attract but
only in terms of personality and not in terms of character or values. A quiet introverted
person can love the company of an exuberant extrovert. A highly talkative person can
thrive on the company of someone who enjoys listening rather than speaking. A person
who enjoys letting go and being led can flourish in the company of someone who takes
initiative and leads. But a person who believes in morality and justice cannot last long in
the company of someone who believes in stealing, lying and cheating.
The “personality” is vastly different to the “character”. For example, one personality
profile divides people into four categories: Talker, Doer, Thinker and Watcher. In very
simple terms, the Talker is the highly talkative and expressive person; the Doer is the
highly active, physical and decisive person; the Thinker is the pensive, reflective,
philosophical person and; the Watcher is the quite person that enjoys standing back,
studying and observing. Each one of us is a combination of those four types but we tend
to display two dominant traits. Thus, for example, the Talker-Doer is well matched to the
Thinker- Watcher since they can balance each other.
A person’s “Character” though, relates primarily to their moral and ethical traits and
principles i.e. their deeper values.
Thus the extroverted Talker – Doer, may love the company of the introverted Thinker-
Watcher until they find out their morals and values are entirely opposite. For example,
Rob was loud and extroverted while his girlfriend Paula was shy and introverted and yet
they could talk for hours on end; they loved nature, beauty, music and art and Paula was
thoroughly entertained by Rob’s antics, jokes and eccentricity. Their problems arose
when Rob learned that Paula engaged in recreational drugs and lied to grow her
investment business. While Paula and Rob both valued money and success they had
other key values that clashed: One of Rob’s top ten values was honesty and personal
health while Paula prized money and financial security above all else and didn’t care
what she had to do to get that. Paula also didn’t mind lying or breaking the law to do
drugs. Paula defined success as being rich – no matter what it took to get there – she
and Rob had a huge argument one time because Paula was praising the financial
success of an adult actress in spite of what she did to herself to get that money. Rob
didn’t fully realize the significance of the clashing values between himself and Paula until
she cheated on him and went to great lengths to hide the betrayal. Paula didn’t value
honesty, loyalty and truth or her personal health.
Thus while their personalities blended nicely, Rob and Paula’s values collided and
ultimately resulted in the destruction of their relationship.
It is vital to your happiness, success and enjoyment of life to surround yourself with
people who share the same values as you – be it in personal or professional
relationships. How many times have you heard someone say, “I ended my business,
because I found out my partner was stealing and cheating”? Also, please be aware that
you cannot change anyone, so beware hooking up with someone in the hope of
rescuing, reforming or transforming him or her reach their potential.
Who am I?
I am a Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert. I provide
Weight loss hypnosis programs and many other Hypnosis programs.