So you’ve discovered that you’re submissive, what now
So you’ve discovered that you’re submissive, what now?
<ul><li>The moment you learn this, you will get shocked. After a while, trying to deduce it, you decide you want someone for yoursel. Someone right. Being submissive, you need someone to lead you; someone to belong to; someone to serve. Nothing unnatural is behind this. We all experience and need this.
Having this need, there is a great chance for a newcommer to rush head first. There is a chance to meet mistresses (online or in person) and only due to the interest, just rush to fulfill this desire. Without really knowing that person at all.
It is not the time to seak for ”one and only, true master”. Spend time to know yourself and your needs. What you want, what you are. In other words, before rushing into something, read. Read a lot. </li></ul>
<ul><li>This is extremely important. You don't really know all the aspects of domination, submission, S/M or, to be more encompassing on this, BDSM. Truth be told, most newcommers don't know that much, let alone all the aspects. You have to find out what your options are and what you are getting yourself into. There are so many things, and you have to be familiar with them.
Without the knowledge of your options, you won't know what you want. You don't want someone else to make that decision for you. You are the one that has to figure out what is best for you and what you want in a partner. The books and sites on the subject are numerous, so use them to find out all you can. </li></ul>
<ul><li>You have to be aware of one thing while reading, though. There is not only one way to do things. There are always substitutes, more than one. There are recipes, but there are alternatives. There is always somethng you are willing to do, and something you are not. There's something available straight away, and then there are the substitutes for the things that are harder to acquire. And if you read somewhere that you must do something if you are submissive, gues what – you don't. If you read that, the source is bad, and drop it. There is always an alternative, and you have your own head to make your own choice.
Once you do your reading, go down to clubs and meetings and talk to other submissives. Don't be afraid, don't be shy. Everybody was a newcommer once. Everyone needs the initial shove. Don't be afraid you'll do or say something stupid, we are talking about the place singleminded people come to chat.
Talk to both dominants and submissives. Ask them questions, inquire, get advice, find out what they do, howo they live. Don't forget though that a ”submissive veteran” might not always give you the best advice. Here is my example: </li></ul>
<ul><li>I like to frequent this king of gatherings. Once, the main topic was punishment. Everyone was surprised that I have been in a relationship with my master for two whole years, and haven't been punished more than once. One of the submissives I do respect a lot suggested me to neglect some of my duties, like ironing or doing dishes in order to get punished. That was a horrible advice.
I really can't fathom a reason to make my Master look bad on the job thanks to the wrinkled shirt, or not to have a clean glass when guests come. It would show me in a bad light but, even worse, it would make Him look really bad, too. So, not every advice is a good advice. Take every advice, but accept only the ones you like. </li></ul>
<ul><li>There is one advice you really should take seriously though. When you get to one of these meetings, don't make the scene in front of the dominants. Don't get to your knees, crawl or do anything of the sort. Everyone will just think you dumb. Act normally, there are normal humans. When you do enter a relationship, if your Master wants you to crawl, curtsy or whatever, that is their call, but untill then, don't pretend to be an alien.
There is a saying ”respect must be earned”. That is just not right. Remember the things mom and dad taught you? Be polite, talk nicely, use proper titles, show respect, that is something you want to do. You do it when you enter a supermarket, and it is only natural to be respectful to other people. </li></ul>
<ul><li>When addressing people, use titles. Say Dr, Sir, Madam, no need for ”Master” or ”Mistress”. The fact that someone is a Master to someone else doesn't make them your master. I did have moments when guys did aks me to call them ”Master”. The easyest way to resolved was to use the appropriate ”Sir”, tell them they are not my Master, and direct them to Him if they have any problem with that. This will usually be enough to solve the problem.
As a child, I learned to be respectful to people. It doesn't matter their age or social status, just to be respectful. And I am. Unless someone does something to lose my respect, of course. </li></ul>
When you are done reading, and start meeting new people, you will need to find out where they stand. Inquire, figure out what they expect, what they want, how compatible you two actually are. You don't want to end up with someone that wants completely different things from you. Find out where they stand on the D/s, S/M, safewords, safe sex, relationship dynamics, types of play, the limits, etc. Tinf out as much as you can.
When it comes to a life together, there is naturally important to know if that someone is a good person. It doesn't matter only if he or she is a good Master or Mistress, you are interested in all the things everyone is. You are talking about sharing life, you need to know about all those things you thought before even figuring out you are submissive.
There is sure to come to a lot of change in this kind of relationship. You will need to get used to it. That doesn't mean you actually have to agree on everything. There are just some things you won't budge from, and you do have to make your point on them. It's good to make a compromise, but make sure what points are really important. You don't want to end up in a bad situation. </li></ul>
<ul><li>It can take a while to find a right partner. It can be frustrating, however, it is even worse settling for the first person you find just because you think you can't do better. Get to know your partner. Through getting to know them, they will get to know you. They will find out about your needs and interests, and this is something that has to work both ways.
Don't expest your dominant to read your mind. Just giving hints to what you want isn't always enough, quite often it is worthless. You have to ask for what you want if they can't guess. Sure, it would be ideal if your Master or Mistress just knew this, but it just doesn't work that way. They are people too, after all. And if they don't know it, you probably won't get it, right? </li></ul>
<ul><li>Novices are often afraid to say no. They are afraid they may not seem submissive enough. This is a big mistake. There have to be boundaries set, safewords and limits for a reason. If something is really important to you, do say no. I am not talking about getting a glass of water, or washing the car, cleaning the house, and that sort of things, I am talking about those things that are really important to you.
Ideally, he or she will be willing to go slowly and not try to push your limits the first several times you’re together. Again, ALWAYS play with a safe word, and have safe calls set up. He or she shouldn’t think you’re a “wimp” or “unworthy” because you are new and taking precautions. If they do, then he/ she is the “unworthy one”.
Remember you both have lives, families, friends, things you have to do. This is not a play, this is life. So don't lose yourself in the game, be aware of your responsibilities. </li></ul>
<ul><li>Don't expect too much from your dominant. They are people too, and have their limits. They can't make exactly every decision. You don't need to call to work to inform them of your every action (unless they explicitly say it). They do want the controll over you, but most of them don't want to make every single little decision. They want a human being to be with them too, not a mindless robot.
Have fun, find out new things, experiment, and be happy. Be reasonable, make it safe, and consensual. That is the way to go about it. </li></ul>