The Bad Romance of Archimedes Vetinari
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The Bad Romance of Archimedes Vetinari



A gift for DocNerd to cheer her up in the wake of losing her computer. Let's see what escapades Archie gets into when he has a house to himself and women delivered to his door.

A gift for DocNerd to cheer her up in the wake of losing her computer. Let's see what escapades Archie gets into when he has a house to himself and women delivered to his door.



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    The Bad Romance of Archimedes Vetinari The Bad Romance of Archimedes Vetinari Presentation Transcript

    • Hey folks! As most of you may be aware, Doc’s computer has gone to the great scrap heap in the sky. Let’s first have a moment of silence for the dearly departed machine. To help cheer Doc up, a bunch of us started some little projects all intended to make her smile and feel a little bit better about life, even though many of her computer files are gone for good. A while back, there was some discussion on what Archie Vetinari would do if given a BC. I latched onto this concept as my gift for Doc. As you can imagine, it is most definitely not traditional. Doc, I hope you and everyone else enjoys this! WARNING: This is definitely not family friendly. There are sexual situations discussed, sexual situations depicted, lots of underwear and even some nudity. There’s nothing to push it into porno territory, but it’s definitely dancing in R-rated territory. If you’re offended by such things, you probably want to skip this one. Oh yeah, and I curse like a drunken sailor. There are bad words too.
    • Nestled in the barren landscape of the Realm of the Dead, a well manicured garden sat as an oasis of life and growth amidst the nothingness. For the moment, it lay still, but for the burbling of a fountain that occasionally spit out an unexpected soap bubble. Some say the garden is an illusion, but those that have visited say it is as real as anything they have seen in either life or unlife. A sudden popping sound disturbed the stillness as a gateway shimmered into existence.
    • The shimmering gateway solidified into a very real appearing archway, linking the world of the living and the dead, allowing Spider Jerusalem Vetinari to step through. Once through, he paused but did not turn around. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the brown haired man watching him from the other plane. “Sure you don’t want to come with?”
    • With the barest hint of reluctance revealed on his features, Max Goodytwoshoes shook his head, “This evening would not be wise, though I would perhaps wish it otherwise.” He watched Spider’s departing back, wings and all, intently, “On the morrow, perhaps?” Again, the barest hint of an emotion revealed itself in his cool demeanor. This time it was hope. Spider smirked and gave a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders and wings as he glanced over his shoulder at the other man, “Oh, I don’t know. I’m awfully busy. I’d have to squeeze you into my schedule between navel gazing and clipping my toenails.” “I will bring kittens.”
    • An honestly amused smile broke through, brightening Spider’s face considerably, “It’s a date.” Slowly the portal began to fade from existence until it finally disappeared with a faint popping sound. Fondly, Spider said softly, “Seeya, Max.” The smile stayed in place as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath to inhale the scent of his garden. Opening his eyes, he turned towards the other side of the garden. Spider took one step before he stopped abruptly and the smile disappeared.
    • “What are you doing here?”
    • Sprawled across Spider’s bench as if he owned it, Archie Vetinari watched him with an amused grin, “What? Can’t one dead cousin visit another?” Flicking the remnants of a flower he’d been shredding off the bench, he added, “Congrats on the Hoo-Buddy, SJ. Always seemed to me that you could use a little bump and grind to help you relax.”
    • Spider rubbed the bridge of his nose as he attempted to count to ten and failed. “First off, you didn’t know me when we were alive. Second, Max is not my ‘Hoo-Buddy’. And finally, third, answer my question, dammit. What the hell are you doing here?” “Sure as hell looked like a Hoo-Buddy to me. The way you two looked at each other. Believe me, I can spot these things.” Archie smirked, “Not every ‘friend’ offers to bring someone a kitten after all. That sounds kinda serious to me.” “ARCHIE. Answer the question.”
    • The smile faded and Archie answered simply with an irritated sigh, “I’m bored.”
    • “What do you expect me to do about it?” Being dead and coming into his powers had done little to improve Spider’s temper when he was annoyed. “You’re the one with the keys to the kingdom, asshole.” Archie swung his legs off the bench and sat up, “I want you to fix it so I’m not bored anymore.” “What the hell do you mean? I’ve got the keys to the kingdom?”
    • Archie growled, “You’re a Reaper Child, what do you think I mean? I’ve been here long enough to know exactly what that means. You come and go as you please, while the rest of us ‘normal’ dead schmucks get to sit around and twiddle our thumbs. It’s BORING.” Spider’s brow furrowed, matching glare for glare, “It’s not my fault you’re bored. Or dead.” “No, it was your douchebag father’s fault. He’s the one that killed us both, remember?”
    • Crossing his arms, Spider narrowed his eyes, “You think I’d forget something like that?” Rolling his eyes, Archie stood up, “No, idiot. But I still think you could do something. You’re just a stingy bastard, so you won’t. I mean, come on. You could have created yourself anything, and you create this?” He waved his hand dismissively at the verdant greenery around them, “Out of everything you could have given yourself and you create a fucking garden?” Spider grew indignant, “I like my garden.”
    • “And I’d like some time to cut loose and meet some ladies that aren’t already dead or stuck-up Hula Zombies.” Narrowing his eyes even further, Spider asked, “Have you been harassing Ruth and Jezebel?” “Those two? Oh please. Been there, done that. Back on subject, Charlotte. Help a dead cousin out.” Suspicious but curious, Spider asked, “What do you want?” “A vacation.”
    • Spider’s eyebrows shot up, “A vacation? The hell?” Archie was nonplussed at Spider’s temper. After all, he could match it glare for glare himself. Shrugging, he replied, “Sure, I’m dead, but I’m stuck here. You’ve got access to dozens of dimensions. I know I can’t leave permanently, but give me just a week or two to cut loose and I’ll leave you alone from here on out.”
    • “That’s ridiculous.” Spider turned with a dismissive wave of his hand, “You’re dead, get used to it. Enjoy what’s here for you. Maybe it’s not your tastes, but deal with it.” There was a brief pause before he added in a voice that sounded anything but apologetic, “I’m sorry my dad killed you, but it’s not like I owe you anything.”
    • “Weak, dude. Weak.” Archie glared at Spider’s back. “I’m asking you for one simple fucking favor, not to go back and change all the unfair shit that happened to either of us. I know you can do it and no one would mess with you. Hell, no one’s messed with that nice reaper kid on the other side of the hill with his secret suicide girl and I know that isn’t legal either. Maybe I’ll go blackmail him into helping me out.” Spider growled, “Leave Zane alone. His business is his and it will stay that way.” There was a hint of protectiveness underlying the annoyance.
    • Before Archie could respond, Spider crossed his arms angrily and asked over his shoulder, “Even if I did decide to send you somewhere, where would you go?” “What about Familiarity? There’s some potential there this generation.” Spider rolled his eyes, “No simselves. Besides, transports into that one are limited to Maxis-only with a few rare, special exceptions.” “Pfft. Like I limit myself. What about Sierra Plains? There’s a couple simselves there.” “Oh please, like I’d subject them to you.” Spider waved his hand, “Besides, there’s an echo of me there already and you’d just fuck things up.” “Whatever. What about Regalton?” He smirked, “Corsets are pretty fun to untie.” “Oh for the love of...” “What about Simshire? Or the Hellmouth? Terra Lostundo? Rome? Chocolate Falls?” He began just randomly naming random dimensions he’d heard of.
    • “Okay, stop. Just stop.” Under his breath Spider muttered, “Rome would eat you alive.” “What was that?” “Nothing.” Turning to face Archie, Spider said, “I honestly couldn’t send you to any of those places. There’s no such thing as a quick vacation for us in places like those. They’re all going to require permanent echoes which wouldn’t really be you anyway.” Archie rolled his eyes, “There’re other places. I’ll go to someplace less known. I just need a little break. This place is driving me insane.” “Well, I might be able to…” Spider trailed off and shrugged, “It really would be just a vacation. Not a permanent echo and I’d bring you back on the seventh day.”
    • Archie gave a snort of laughter, “Like god, huh?” It was Spider’s turn to roll his eyes, “Not exactly.” His obsidian eyes glittered for a moment as he looked past Archie at something only he could see, “Yeah, this’ll do. Talk to the blond guy and he’ll set you up with a bachelor challenge. You know, big fancy house and seven women for you to choose from.” Archie smirked, “I knew you weren’t half bad. For a murderer’s bastard that is.” “Douche.” Spider smirked back.
    • “Asshole.” Archie crossed his arms as he grinned. Already he was beginning to fade. “Remember, seven days only and then you come back whether you’re ready or not. Enjoy it while you’ve got it. Seven days, seven women. You choose.” As Archie’s body began to fade, his voice followed with him, “Pfft. Who says I have to choose? Besides, I don’t think I’ll stick with just seven. Want to make a bet that I can pull at least three times that? Heh. Seeya in a week, Spider.” And with that, he was gone.
    • “Oh hell. What have I done?” *~*~*~*~*~*
    • “Oh hell. What have you done?”
    • Devon Decker leaned over to his assistant, Annie Tarelle, and whispered fiercely, “Annie, this guy is going to be a gold mine. Try and be nice, okay?” Annie looked as if she’d smelled something foul as she stared past Devon’s desk at their guest. She did lower her voice, though, as she replied, “Seriously, Dev? Seriously? This is the best you can dig up? What happened to all the people you said were dying to work with us after the Legacina girl’s show?” “I’ve got a feeling about this one. He’s going to be fantastic. Now be good, okay? I’ll get you that new editing software you were asking for.” She narrowed her eyes as she glanced sideways at him, “The gold package, not just the standard one?” To his nod, she grumbled, “Fine. Don’t say a girl can’t be bribed.”
    • Devon cleared his throat and put on his best business charm smile, “Sorry about that, Mr. Vetinari. I was just bringing my assistant up to speed.” “No problem.” Archie smirked as he lounged back in the chair, “I can understand her needing to take a moment to acclimate to my presence. I have that effect on women.” “Oh please, as if..” Before Annie could say anything further, Devon interrupted, “I’m glad you could meet with us at such short notice. You came highly recommended, so I’m sure we’ll be able to work out a mutually beneficial deal for all involved parties.”
    • Archie’s eyebrows shot up, “Really? I came recommended?” He gave a snort of laughter, “I knew that asshole was holding back.” “Pardon? I didn’t catch that last bit.” “Eh, no big deal.” Archie tilted his head to watch Annie speculatively as he spoke, “I was told you were the man to talk to once I arrived in the area, so here I am. What are the particulars of this mutually beneficial deal?”
    • “We’re looking at doing the standard format Bachelor Challenge here. This office is attached to the house you’d have for the entire week.” Decker gave a practiced smile as he explained, “There are all the amenities you could desire here, but we’ll also do a walk-through to make any last minute changes to suit your needs.” Continuing on, he said, “You and all the contestants will have to sign our release paperwork. There will be no camera crew on site, but we do have all rooms (and I do mean all rooms) rigged with hidden cameras.” Devon puffed up and smiled proudly, “This is our hallmark. I’m sure you’ve seen the Awesomesauce Bachelor Challenge. That was our first test with this format and we’ve found it to be wildly successful. Our process is both critically acclaimed and commercially successful. We leave you and the girls to yourself and then edit it up into television-friendly format when it’s all over.”
    • Annie sighed as she watched Devon give his pitch. Under her breath, she muttered, “Provided the producers aren’t actually megalomaniacs bent on ultimate power and destroying the world to get what they want.” Devon shot her a furtive glare before he turned back to Archie as if she’d said nothing, “So does that sound like a fair deal?”
    • Appearing thoughtful, Archie looked back and forth between the two as he considered his options, “It seems like a fairly standard deal, and the house is pretty damn fantastic. A camera crew would cramp my style, but if you can watch remotely, that’s fine.” Devon’s face lit up into a smile, “So do we have a deal?” “Well,” Archie replied in a long, drawn out manner, “I do have one thing I would like to request that might be a bit … unusual.” “Oh?” Devon’s smile only faltered slightly, “And what’s that?” A smirk played at the corners of Archie’s mouth as he said, “I want to audition contestants before choosing the final seven.”
    • “Buh.” Devon faltered as he gaped open mouthed at Archie, “That is, uh... quite unorthodox. This is something I’ve never heard of happening before and I’m not sure I could get the talent agency to agree. We could possibly let you see their video packages in addition to their bios, but..” With a shrug, Archie stood and stretched, cutting Devon off, “I either get what I want or I walk. Your choice.” Devon began to sputter somewhat incoherently.
    • “Oh hey, you’ve got a dog here.” Archie’s smirk turned into a somewhat honest grin as he began to interact with the ugly little dog. As Devon continued to try and regain his composure, Annie explained, “That’s Dev’s. He says animals react when they’re in the presence of pure evil, so he won’t get fooled again.” She quickly moved around the desk to talk to Devon. “Hey boy. Bet you’re bored out of your mind with these folks. Yeah, you’re smarter’n them.” Over his shoulder Archie said, “You guys discuss. I’ll be over here when you make a decision.”
    • Facing Devon, Annie put her hands on her hips and lowered her voice, “You can’t possibly be considering this. We’ve got 25 girls on the list to choose from. If he auditions every single one of them, it’ll take a whole week. A whole week that will put us behind schedule from the start.” Devon’s brow furrowed, “Yeah, but we’ve got the house for a month, Annie. His demands are unexpected, but what harm could they be?”
    • “What harm?” She shook her head with incredulity, “Do you see the same guy I do?” “I just had my eyes checked and got new lenses for my glasses.” Devon answered with confusion. “Oh Dev, I know it’s dyed, but sometimes you’re so blond.” “Hey, I resent that.” “You also resemble it.” “Annie, come on! This is serious.”
    • “Look, this is not a guy who follows rules, Dev. I think he’s playing a game with us and you’re about to play into his hands. If you do this, you’re essentially letting him have the house for a week while he gets to hang out with 25 different girls. Can we trust him to not do something that’s going to embarrass us? Can we trust him to stick around for the week of the actual challenge? Hell, can we trust him to not burn the house down?” “Annie, you worry too much.” Devon had regained some composure as he thought about the proposal and their options. “I’m not the one who cried like a little girl about being too pretty to die, Dev.” “I AM too pretty to die.” Devon said indignantly as he stood up, “Besides, we both made a good penny on that whole deal.”
    • Sliding an arm over her shoulder, he watched Archie play with his little watchdog as he said, “Come on, this couldn’t possibly get as bad as that Awesomesauce mess was. It won’t hurt anything to schedule him some auditions throughout the week and let him get to know the candidates before he settles on a final seven. It’s not like we’ve never let a bachelor decide on who gets to be on the show.” “Dev, they decide based on pictures and bios, not meeting the girls in person.” Annie sighed. She realized she’d already lost this battle. “I still say we’re going to regret it.” “Pfft. You worry too much.”
    • “Mr. Vetinari, we’ve got a deal. I’ll print up the release forms and contact the Boxian Talent Agency about scheduling appointments for the prospective contestants to come by and meet you.” Devon stepped forward and offered his hand to seal the deal. Archie grinned and took the hand, “I knew you’d see it my way. Show me where to sign and where to wait for the first one to show up.” *~*~*~*~*~*
    • A week later... The house was, amazingly enough, still standing.
    • “I hope the week went well?” Devon sat down on the couch near Archie while Annie pulled out a clip board and sat down on his opposite side. “Eh, for the most part, I think it went fantastic.” Archie shifted as if he were a bit sore or tender, “There were a few hiccups, but...” He grinned knowingly, “It was pretty successful.” Annie raised a skeptical eyebrow as she shifted the photographs and paperwork on her clipboard.
    • “Excellent.” Devon grinned, “Now that you’ve met all the girls, we should be able to narrow this down to the seven you’d like to have come for the week starting on Sunday.” “Heh. Yeah, sure.” Archie smirked and leaned back into the seat. “We’ll go through the names in audition order and you can give us a rundown on how the visit went and what your impressions are.”
    • Archie looked vaguely annoyed, “That’s going to take a while, isn’t it?” Responding with an unsympathetic shrug, Annie said, “It’ll take far less time than your interviews took. You can spare a couple of hours for the people who are going to pay your salary, can’t you?” Giving her a speculative glare, Archie shrugged, “Whatever.” Ignoring the tension between the two, Devon smiled brightly, “Excellent. Let’s get started.”
    • “Let’s see, first on the list was Ophelia Smith.” Devon glanced at his sheet of paper before looking up at Annie for confirmation. She nodded, “Ophelia Smith, Fourth Generation Spare of the Legacina family in Terra Lostundo.” Her brow furrowed for a moment, “That means she’s related to Miranda, doesn’t it?” “Hey, so it does. I don’t think I saw her at the wedding afterwards, though.” Devon gave a nod and a shrug before focusing on Archie, “What did you think of her?” “You’re asking me to think back to..” He paused as he glanced at the picture. A grin formed as he chuckled, “Heh wait. Blonde with the smoking bod in the tight red dress. Yeah, I remember her. Great first ‘interview’.”
    • “You had sex with her in the shower!?” Annie was horrified, “You were only supposed to interview her and decide whether or not you wanted her on the show, not determine how good she is at sex!” Devon was stunned into silence.
    • “Hey, you never stipulated my interview techniques. You have your way of doing things, I have mine.” Archie covered his smirk as he played innocent, “Besides, she’s the one that suggested the shower when I was giving her the tour. Not my fault the girl knows a well appointed bathroom when she sees one.” “Devon, I told you..” “Annie, please.” Devon cleared his throat, “So is that a yes on Miss Smith?” “Hell yeah, she was game for anything.” Annie grumbled and made a note on her paperwork.
    • Devon was a bit flabbergasted, but he tried to gamely continue on, “My list says that Lilah Whedon was next. Also fourth gen, but an Apocalypse heir from The Hellmouth.” As if afraid to ask, he took a deep breath and said, “And how did that interview go?” Archie leaned over and looked at the picture on Annie’s sheet, “Oh yeah, she ranks high on the sex-o-meter.” As Annie made an inarticulate sound, Devon asked for clarification, “So the interview was a good one?” The other man chuckled knowingly, “Oh yeah.”
    • The room was silent after Archie finished detailing that visit. Annie’s complexion had gone an astounding shade of fuchsia while Devon’s open mouth made him look like he were part fish. For his part, Archie was getting increasingly amused and pleased with himself. The only one who didn’t seem to care was the ugly little dog seated at their feet. Breaking the silence, Archie asked, “What? She decided on the couch and then the floor. Said it was nice to be able to do anything she wanted, absolutely anywhere she wanted. I guess she grew up in a small, crowded house.”
    • Annie opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out. “I can’t say this is really normal for this type of thing, Mr. Vetinari.” Devon was still trying to deal with his own shock, but he was accustomed to keeping the dialogue going even in the most adverse circumstances. Licking his lips, he asked hesitantly, “Should we add a yes to Miss Whedon?” Archie was staring at Annie, “Cat got your tongue?” Glancing sideways, he grinned at Devon, “Sure. She was more than fun.” Raising his eyebrows, he asked, “Who’s next?”
    • Still unable to speak, Annie held out her clipboard with pictures of the next girl. Devon glanced at his paperwork, “Faye Morgan. Second generation spare of the Morgan family, currently of Belladonna Cove.” Leaning over to look at the photographs, Archie’s eyes widened as he smiled, “Hey, so that’s what she looks like with clothes on!”
    • “OH. MY. GOD.” Annie was finally able to form coherent words again, “You have got to be kidding me. Please tell me we are not going to sit here and listen to him tell us how he molested each of these girls!?” “Annie, don’t assume.” Devon was starting to get curious now that his shock had faded. Glancing at the clock on the wall, he said, “We’ve got plenty of time this afternoon.” He opened his mouth to say something more, but was silenced by her glare. “Hey, I didn’t molest anybody.” Archie’s tone was indignant.
    • Annie turned on him, “Right. Sure you didn’t. So far you’re three for three on getting these girls in compromising positions.” “No, seriously.” The humor was gone from his tone as he continued, “I don’t have to force anybody to do anything. If a woman isn’t interested or willing, that’s her loss. Every single one of these women had as good a time as I did and wouldn’t have done a thing if they didn’t want to. I may be a bastard, but I’m not THAT kind of guy.” Lowering his voice into a growl, he challenged, “Call them up and ask if you don’t believe me.” Annie still glared at him, but she looked a bit more thoughtful.
    • Devon spoke up to get their attention, “Let’s keep moving. I’m guessing Miss Morgan is also a yes?” At Archie’s nod he continued on, “The next one you saw according to our information was Delightful Goodytwoshoes.” He frowned for a moment, “Oh, I haven’t seen her name in a long while. She’s been out of the spotlight for some time. Third generation spare, originally from Pleasantview.” Without looking at the picture, Archie leaned back and smiled, “Yeah, she was pretty damn delightful. Not so much in the face department, but the rest of her and that mouth... mm-mm-mm.”
    • “I mean, come on. A girl like that, she knows how to use the mouth that Wright gave her.” Archie finished enthusiastically. “Pig. You are a complete and utter pig.” Annie muttered the words as she jotted another ‘yes’ down on the form. “Turns out, she usually does chicks. Has a thing for hot little blondes, so we started comparing notes. So not only was she good under the covers, but she was an excellent conversationalist. If I’d had a little more time, I would have invited her back to help me with an interview or two.”
    • Devon smothered a laugh as if it were a cough, “You are something else, Mr. Vetinari.” Ignoring the glare from Annie, he continued, “On your second day, your first interview was with Jenny Penguino, correct?” Expression changing, Archie grunted an affirmative. Devon’s brow furrowed, “Hey Annie, didn’t we have a Penguino for the Awesomesauce shoot? Same radical penguin conservationist family out of the Antarctic.” “Yeah Dev, same family. If I remember right, Scott was one of her younger brothers.” “Says here she’s the third generation heir. How did that visit go?”
    • “She acted like I’d smacked her around a few times. Everything was going great and I figured it was time to take it a step further and she shot me down with a howitzer.” A rude snort came from Annie’s direction, “I thought you didn’t have to force yourself on anyone.” He growled in response, “I don’t. But when a chick is giving me one signal by dirty dancing with me, I don’t expect to get shot down for a little ass grab, if you know what I mean.”
    • “I’m guessing she’s a no then?” “Hell yeah. Stuck up bitch said she had better things to do with her time. Something about a dance contest and kids needing to practice more, which doesn’t make any sense. All the echoes here are supposed to be without ties.” Archie grumbled. Devon shot Annie a confused look, “Echoes?” “Never mind, mark her down as a no.” “Alright, then. Moving on.”
    • At the sight of the next picture, Archie pursed his lips and whistled, “Sweet Georgiana.” Devon raised an eyebrow, “I’m guessing this one was a bit better of an experience.” “Oh hell yeah. I saw that long gown and thought I was in for trouble, but she turned out to be a tiger in an empire waist. Say what you will about those stuffy books by that Austen broad, but this lady knew how to party.”
    • “She wasn’t offended by the way you acted?” Annie’s distaste for Archie was still evident, but she asked the question out of honest curiosity. “What? I was a perfect gentleman with her.” That earned a snort. “Whatever, babe. Georgiana was a class act and knew what she wanted. I think she was relieved to be dealing with a dude who wasn’t all caught up in propriety. Y’know, that sense and sensibility bullshit.” Rolling her eyes, Annie asked, “Yes?” At his nod, she marked it down, “Y’know you’re going to have to say no at some point.”
    • “We can narrow the list down after we’ve run through it once, Annie.” Almost eager for the next story, Devon pushed forward, “Next on my list was Lulu Buccaneer from Sierra Plains.” He paused, “I thought the Buccaneers were from Pirate Island?” Annie spoke up and explained, “She’s the daughter of a man who used to live on Pirate Island. She’s definitely from Sierra Plains, though. In some ways, she might be considered legacy royalty since she’s not only related to the Buccaneers, but also to the Fitzhughs. Not closely to the current Fitzhugh heirs, but the connection is still there. I believe Rhys Fitzhugh was her grandfather.” “Oh. Him.” Devon frowned, lost in a memory for a moment before he shook his head and asked Archie, “How did that interview go.”
    • “I gotta say, the shy ones are always like opening an unexpected present. You never know exactly what you’re gonna get.” Archie smiled fondly, “Most of the time, once you get the wrapping off, they turn out to be a real party. Got her behind closed doors and bow-chicka-wow-wow.” Annie shook her head incredulously, “I didn’t think you could be any more of a pig, but I was wrong.” “Hey, don’t’ be hatin’, babe.”
    • Devon cleared his throat again to get their attention before the argument could blossom any further, “Let’s move on to the last one of the second day. My list shows that Sabriel Stark was scheduled.” Grumbling, Annie glanced at her sheet and explained, “Sabriel Stark is a fourth generation spare of the Stark family from Winterfell, which is currently in the midst of a recovery effort.” Archie grunted thoughtfully, “So another apocalypse family. That explains some things.” Devon asked, “Really? How so?”
    • “Girl totally laid me out flat. She has a mean right hook.” Archie reached up a hand to rub his jaw again. “What did you say to her?” He shrugged, “Honestly, I don’t remember. She pissed me off, so I said something mean. Not exactly something I think about, it just happens.” Annie rolled her eyes, “I’m guessing she’s a no then.” Archie frowned, “Why would you think that? Put her down as a yes.”
    • “WHAT?” Annie was shocked out of her disgust to stare at him in shock, “She punched you and you didn’t have sex with her. Why would you mark her as a yes?” Archie grinned, “Girl’s a spitfire. We may not have hit it off, but she totally turned me on with the way she handled herself.” With a shrug he added, “Sometimes a guy likes a challenge.”
    • “Let’s move on to the next day, guys. Who was first on the third day, Annie?” Devon seemed to find himself playing referee between the two of them. “That was the green chick, right?” The disgust was back, “The green chick has a name. That was Anime Bored.” “Can you blame me for not remembering a name like that? I mean, who names their kid Anime?” “Says the man named Archimedes.” “Children, please!” Devon glanced at his own notes, “She’s the second gen spare of a ‘for fun’ legacy family. Hmm, she’s provided by Lark Industries through Boxian. I’m surprised they didn’t send someone from Yakko’s World.” With a shake of his head, he looked up, “How did that go?”
    • “Girl certainly knew how to handle a joystick.” Archie purposefully looked at Annie as he grinned and added, “Who would have thought of using one like that? Not me, but she definitely had the moves for it.” “I am going to my happy place right now and you don’t exist there.”
    • Nonplussed, Devon pushed forward, “Mark her down as a yes, Annie. We’ll narrow the list later. Next up was..” He paused to look at his list before he frowned, “Aria Bohemian?” “What!?” Annie blurted out before looking at her own list, “That bitch? I thought she was in prison?” Archie looked between the two of them, “You two have a history with her?” “Somewhat.” Devon frowned, “She’s a third generation spare of the Bohemian family and pretty much confirmed as the resident villain. How did THAT one go for you?”
    • “Yeah, and then she just got out and walked away without saying a word. I think the only thing she said to me the whole time was to shut up.” Archie shrugged, “She was a damn fine looking woman, but gave me a real bad vibe.” Nodding, Devon agreed, “That was pretty much my opinion of her.” “I didn’t think you had a chance to form an opinion since you kept crying about how you were too pretty to die.” Annie teased. “Annie, not in front of the client.” Archie looked back and forth between them and raised an eyebrow.
    • “So is she a yes or a no?” Annie blithely continued on. “Definitely a no.” “Really?” Annie was surprised, “I would think since she was easy, you’d want her on the list.” “I think once is enough.” Archie shrugged, “What are the insects that eat their mates when they’re done? I have a feeling I got off lucky this time. I may like to live ... whatever... dangerously, but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”
    • “Next up was, oh hey!” Annie suddenly smiled as she looked down at her list, “I love her movies!” Devon looked confused, “Who?” Archie snorted, “Eden Devereaux. She was a nice change of pace after the last maneater.” Leaning over to Annie, he gave an obnoxious stage whisper, “All she does is chick flicks.” Rolling her eyes, Annie replied, “Philistine.” Recognition dawned on Devon’s face, “Oh! I was hoping to work with her at some point before she got too far out of my league. She’s also the fifth generation heir to that family in Pleasantview.”
    • “She wouldn’t do that!” “Oh come on!” Archie rolled his eyes as he turned to look at Annie, “Just because she maintains a good girl image for the public doesn’t mean she’s all sweetness and light in the bedroom. Even good girls like to cut loose once in a while.” “But the fishtank!? Really?” “Hey, there is a longstanding tradition of traumatizing fish with inappropriate displays of affection and flesh.”
    • She rolled her eyes in response, “No there is not. You’re just a pig.” “You’re just jealous because it wasn’t your ass print left on the fish tank.” Annie sputtered in response as Archie smirked and turned back to Devon, “She always like this?” Devon coughed to cover a laugh, “Let’s move on?”
    • Reaching over and taking Annie’s clipboard while she recovered, Devon looked at the list and showed the picture to Archie, “Anne Legacy. My, she’s a bit pale, isn’t she?” Archie frowned as he looked at the picture, “I don’t remember..” Trailing off, his expression grew troubled and thoughtful, “Wait, maybe I do. She was the one who wanted to come late. Her people actually scheduled the appointment for midnight. But I don’t remember..”
    • “So, I guess I had a good time. I certainly FELT like I had a good time, even if I don’t remember anything.” Archie frowned as he thought about that for a moment, “Y’know, I don’t mind forgetting an evening if I’ve earned it with some tequila, but I’m not sure I appreciate it like that.” Annie, having taken her clipboard back from Devon, asked, “Hmm, look at that. The gander having a problem getting treated like a goose.” “Annie, that’s uncalled for.” Devon frowned, “If you feel she took advantage of you, Mr. Vetinari, we can talk to the authorities.” “Oh hell, no.” Archie barked, “Whatever happened, I totally went along with it, I know that for a fact even if I can’t remember the details.”
    • Devon responded with a shrug, “Well, if you’re fine with it.” “I’m not fine with it.” Archie grumbled, “I just wish I could remember what we did.” His smirk formed back into place as he added, “Whatever we did was pretty damn fantastic.” As Annie rolled her eyes, Devon sighed, “Well, let’s keep moving. I think your next day started with..” He looked down at his notes.
    • Archie spoke up with a grin, “Gertie Buccaneer.” Devon raised his eyebrows, “Well, I see that she made an impression on you. Annie, who is she?” “Gertie Buccaneer from Pirate Island. Her relationship to the family is actually a bit complicated, but the family considers her to be a fifth generation spare. Those that argue the fact are usually left on a deserted island.” Annie frowned, “It also mentions something about grilled cheese?” Chuckling, Archie nodded, “Yep, definitely grilled cheese.”
    • “I developed a whole new appreciation for a good grilled cheese sandwich.” Archie grinned and pumped his fist, “I highly recommend getting one of those devotees to show you a thing or two.” He waggled his ample eyebrows to emphasize the point.
    • “Really? REALLY?!? The kitchen counter?” Annie’s reaction was rather strong as she turned to Devon, “You do realize we’re renting this house and we’re going to lose our security deposit if they realize what he’s done to the place.” “Annie..” “No Dev, I’m serious. The kitchen counter? The pool? The fish tank? Most of the couches in the place? THE VIDEO GAMES!? We are going to need two weeks just to clean this place up.”
    • Archie chuckled, pleased with himself. Opening his arms, he asked, “So who’s next on the list? Refresh my memory. I’m enjoying this trip down memory lane.” For a moment, Annie looked like she was going to take her clipboard upside Archie’s head before Devon interrupted. “Irene Xenobia. I’m not sure I know much about her, but it says here that her primary color is blue and that she is directly related to the Xenobia family. Second generation spare, I believe. How did that visit go?”
    • “Don’t get me wrong, I like a woman that keeps a fine figure and I sure as hell don’t mind seeing a woman work up a sweat, but I’d at least like to be involved a bit more intimately, y’know?” Annie grumbled and muttered, “Add sauna to the list.”
    • Ignoring Annie, Devon said, “I’m really curious about the next name on the list.” At Archie’s blank expression, he said, “Addie Finch! I have all of her albums. She’s one of my favorite singers.” “Oh. Her.” Archie shrugged, “Her music was never really to my taste, but she does have a really great voice. I know my brother used to lament that it had been so long since she released anything.” “So how did the date go?” “Dev, interview. They’re interviews, not dates. I don’t care what he did with them.”
    • Archie slouched back into the seat, propping his foot up on the coffee table, “Yeah, so not all rock stars are as easy as it sounds like they should be.” “Oh, poor you. Someone turned you down. Did you cry yourself to sleep that night?” Devon groaned, “Annie, please?” Archie just shrugged, “Her loss. Plenty of other fish in the sea.”
    • “Did she say anything about a new album?” Archie shook his head, “Nah. She’s pretty much retired at this point.” Devon sighed with disappointment, “Oh well.”
    • “Who was next, Annie?” With a beleaguered sigh, she looked at her list, “Drusilla Whedonberry.” “Hey, is she related to the kid who Miranda ended up marrying? What was his name, Sam? Dean?” Devon asked curiously. Looking at her clipboard, Annie nodded, “She’s his younger sister. Says here that she’s the current heir of the family, which is currently based out of Bluewater. She’s quite the accomplished artist.” Archie grunted, “That makes sense. She had a good eye.”
    • “Threw a few artsy fartsy words at her and she was putty in my hands.” Archie chuckled, “Well, she also mentioned wanting an uncomplicated relationship for at least a couple minutes in her life.” Devon chuckled even as Annie rolled her eyes again, “You did five interviews that day, didn’t you?” Archie shrugged, “They all blur together for me.” Tilting his head, he looked at Annie, “Who does your list say I saw next, sweetness?”
    • Annie’s expression was already sour when she looked at her list, but when she saw the name there, her expression turned even darker, “No fucking way!” Devon’s eyes widened at the expletive, “Annie!” In response, she just held out the clipboard with the picture facing out. At the sight of the woman in the photograph, Devon shrieked like a little girl and ducked to protect his face. Archie looked between the two of them, “Wow, guess you two have history with this one.” Practically hissing with venom, Annie said the woman’s name, “Julia Caesar.”
    • “She’s definitely on the ‘not again’ list.” Archie shrugged as he finished relating the details of that interview. “Chick was a complete control freak and I just had this feeling that I shouldn’t eat or drink anything she offered me.” Devon’s voice squeaked as he agreed, “Good choice.” Swallowing, he cleared his throat and said, “She was not someone I was expecting to ever see again. That one’s bad news.” Annie stood up and grumbled, “She’s supposed to be dead.” “I don’t know, she was pretty warm and soft for someone who’s supposed to be dead.”
    • “Okay, let’s stop talking about her. Let’s move on to Friday and forget all about Thursday.” Devon nodded sagely as he stilled his shaking hands on his legs. Archie shot an eyebrow up, “Hey, there are bits of Thursday I’d like to remember.” He smirked up at Annie, “I can name them each if you want.” She glared down at him, “Sarah Livingston. Related to the Carter family from Barsoom. I believe she is a first cousin to the main line currently in control.” Raising her eyebrows, Annie asked, “So how did you screw her?”
    • “She was a FANTASTIC way to start the day, if you know what I mean.” Archie grinned. “Lady knew what she wanted and damn did she know how to move.” “Oh my.” Devon actually blushed as he busied himself with his paperwork, earning a dark chuckle from Archie.
    • Annie glared and sighed, “Can we hurry up with this? I’m getting a little fed up with the list of how many different places in the house you found a way to have sex in.” “Can’t deny a man’s talent, sweetness.” Archie grinned up at her, but she refused to meet his gaze.” “There’s seven left, let’s see if we can do this without lascivious details.”
    • Archie smirked, “Can’t deny a man’s got talents.” “Yes, yes I can.” Annie tucked her pen behind her ear and looked at the paperwork, “Next is Ella Discworld.” Archie straightened up and nodded, “Right, the chick with the alien eyes.” Ignoring him, Annie continued on, “She is from The Disc and is a member of the E generation of the primary family. She was the eighth child out of ten.” “She was also pretty damn smoking.”
    • “That is a brilliant idea!” Annie gave Devon an incredulous look, “Fooling around on a bowling alley? It’s all oily and such, Dev.” “No, no, I mean combining a bachelor challenge with the idea of a sports challenge. Make it a double fold competition!” He was growing more excited at the idea. She sighed in response, “Let’s save the bright ideas until later, Dev.”
    • “Let’s keep moving. Corinna Chandler was after her.” Archie frowned, “Corinna? Who the hell is..” He pulled the clipboard down and looked, “Oh! Rin. Why didn’t you say so?” Annie yanked the clipboard back out of his hands, “If you don’t mind!” Devon sighed and redirected yet again, “So how did things go with her?” “She was a blast.”
    • “I am totally going to deduct the cleaning bill from the prize money you’re supposed to get at the end of this.” Archie laughed, “Be my guest. It was completely worth it. She was completely worth it. Did you know that if you set the bass up really high, it makes the whole machine vibrate in perfect time to..” Devon coughed loudly and quickly to interrupt, “Annie, we can do a survey of the house when we’re done. I’m sure things are not as bad as you expect. The regular cleaning service can probably handle things.”
    • Archie looked up at her, “Yeah, Annie. The regular cleaning service can handle things.” She ignored him as she continued writing something on her clipboard. “Whatcha writing, sweetness?” Through gritted teeth, she replied, “The list of areas of the house I need to have sprayed down.”
    • “Okay then.” Devon gamely carried on, “Let’s get to the last one on Friday.” He glanced down at his paper, “Tiara Hair? Tiara? Was she really named Tiara?” “Oh god, her.” Archie groaned. Devon craned his neck to look at the picture on Annie’s clipboard, “She doesn’t look too scary, and she’s attractive if unusual.” Archie gave a weary nod as he said, “She was really attractive. Girl knows how to wear a skin-tight dress like nobody’s business. But then she opened her mouth.”
    • “Right. Add that bathroom to the list.” Annie wrote it down and then looked up derisively at Archie, “You couldn’t stand her, but you still had sex with her?” “Honestly? It was the only way to shut her up.” Archie shrugged, “Once I got her focused on something other than talking my ear off, she was pretty wild.” Annie rolled her eyes, “Yes then?” “Aw, hell no. A week with her and I’d kill someone.”
    • Devon smiled placatingly, “We wouldn’t want that, so don’t worry about it. We’ll only bring in the seven girls you choose. Let’s get on to the last day. Saturday was your last four interviews, correct?” Archie frowned, “Eh. We can skip Saturday if you want. Sweetness seems awfully antsy to get out of here anyway.” Annie’s eyebrows shot up at this, “Oh no. Don’t hurry on my account. We can finish these last four.” She glanced at the list and then stifled a laugh, “I definitely want to hear about the next one.” Innocently, she looked up and asked, “Abby Munster?”
    • Archie grimaced with an almost panicked look, “Abby Munster, my ass!”
    • Unable to contain her laughter, Annie flopped down on the couch, “Okay, that was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!” Crossing his arms petulantly, Archie frowned, “I don’t think it was funny.” Devon was turning a nice shade of purple as he tried to keep from laughing out loud.
    • “Oh no, it’s not funny at all.” Annie rolled her eyes as she grinned. “All I want to know is how the hell he got in here anyway.” Archie shot an accusing glare at Annie, “The paperwork said Abby Munster, not ABE.” She shrugged innocently, “The two names are very similar. Could have been a typo, could have just been a mistake. Either way, I’m sure Mr. Munster enjoyed the chance to visit and make your acquaintance.” Archie mumbled something under his breath that sounded like ‘bitch’. Turning to Devon, he asked, “Can we get on with this?”
    • Devon regained a bit of his composure and nodded, “Next was Kahlen Doran, I see?” “Oh, the traveling chick, yeah, she was awesome.” Archie shot a glare at Annie, “She at least had the right equipment for the job.” Annie chortled again before she said, “Kahlen Doran, second generation spare of the Doran family. Hmm, it says here they’re actually a nomadic family, so they’ve traveled quite extensively. Something about magic and necessity.” She shrugged and waited for Archie to relate the interview.
    • “I don’t know how well traveled she was, but she certainly gave me a hell of a ride.” Archie grinned as he finished relating his adventures with Kahlen. Annie grumbled as she wrote on her sheet, “Check Elevator.” Devon couldn’t help but grin, “Well then, Saturday wasn’t all bad, was it?”
    • Annie sighed and said, “Can we get on with this? Evonne Capp is second to last.” Devon furrowed his brow, “Is she related to the Veronaville Capps?” “In a way. She’s actually from Familiarity and is related to the main family there, but her grandmother was Juliette Capp.” “Huh.” Archie said, “I didn’t realize that.” He smirked, “Then again, we didn’t spend much time talking.”
    • “Man, she was amazing.” Archie leaned his head back and closed his eyes as he remembered. Devon raised an eyebrow, “That’s a pretty strong reaction.” “She was a pretty strong lady. Girl knew what she wanted and how to wear a guy out.” He smirked fondly, even though he kept his eyes closed and his head back.
    • “But I thought you didn’t like the domineering ones.” “Oh, I don’t mind them.” Straightening up, he looked at Annie, “I didn’t think my life was in danger around her.” His eyes danced, “Just my dignity if she decided to lay down the law. And man, can she lay down the law on me any time she wants.” Annie rolled her eyes and made a note on her paperwork.
    • “So we done here?” Archie stood up abruptly and started walking toward the door. Devon frowned, “Um, isn’t there one more?” He looked confused as he turned to Annie, “I thought there were twenty-five on the list, but I’ve only checked off twenty-four.”
    • Raising an eyebrow, Annie looked to Devon and nodded, “Yeah, there was one more scheduled interview.” Archie sighed and crossed his arms as he looked out the windows, “Evil Susan.” Annie blinked and looked at her paper, “Yep, Evil Susan Agelenidae, sixth generation cousin related to the Tegenaria family of Strangetown.” Archie sighed and grumbled again, “What a way to end the week.”
    • The room was silent for a moment before both Annie and Devon burst out laughing. Annie even dropped her clipboard. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.” Archie rolled his eyes as he looked over his shoulder. “I’m grateful that you stocked the medicine cabinet with some anti-itch cream. It helped.”
    • Devon contained his laughter as he smiled, “Sorry, sorry. I know that was out of line, so my apologies.” Still grinning, he said, “You must admit, it was a rather inauspicious ending to your week of interviews.” Waving his hand dismissively, Archie said, “Yeah, whatever. Are we done here now?”
    • Devon held up a finger, “Actually, we still need to narrow down the list to just seven. I think you’ve got about 18 that you said yes to.” “Actually, sixteen, Dev.” Annie had picked up her clipboard and did a quick tally. She snorted, “I’m surprised he didn’t say yes to them all.” Archie rolled his eyes, “What time is it?” Blinking, Devon looked at him, “I’m sorry?”
    • “What time is it?” Archie looked at his fingernails, already bored with the situation. Glancing up at the clock on the wall, Devon said, “4:55. Why?”
    • “Because it’s almost time for me to go.” Archie started moving towards Annie as Devon gave him a confused look, “Wait, what? What do you mean it’s time for you to go? We still need to do the actual challenge starting on Monday.” “Yeah, about that.” Archie locked his eyes with Annie as he gave a predatory smile, “You’re probably gonna have to find another star for this shindig. This vacation is over.” Annie’s eyes widened as she stared at him, “What are you..”
    • “mmmrrrf!”
    • Devon’s eyes widened as Archie dipped Annie into a deep kiss worthy of the world’s greatest romancers. “What are you talking about? The vacation is over!? That doesn’t make any sense. We’re just getting started. We gave you a week to do auditions, so you can’t cut out on us now!” A disembodied, irritated voice could be heard sighing as it announced, “Come on Archie, time to go.” Without another word, Archie simply faded from view.
    • Annie caught her breath as she came up out of the kiss, “Oh. My.” “This can’t be happening. Tell me this isn’t happening.” Devon pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to keep himself from hyperventilating. “How could this happen? I was told he was the right one and I set everything up like I was supposed to and now he’s gone. And we’ve got nothing. Absolutely nothing.” With a breathless laugh, Annie fanned herself, “Oh, I wouldn’t say we have nothing. The house was completely wired to record everything.”
    • Devon’s eyes flew open and he was suddenly in front of Annie clutching his hands and begging, “Please tell me you left the video and sound recording all week. Please tell me you’re an angel of mercy and you just saved our careers.” “Dev, you’re making a fool of yourself.” Annie crossed her arms and just shook her head. “Annie, there’s no one here to see except the damn dog who couldn’t sense evil if it bit him on the ass. Please tell me you had everything recording.”
    • Looking at him with a self-satisfied smile curving her lips, Annie raised an eyebrow, “Remember how you said you would get me the software I wanted?” “Yes, yes, the gold edition. I promise. I’ll make it happen.” She smirked, “Well, to go with it, I want a new computer, and I want an increase in profits. Instead of 35/65, we’re going to be 50/50 from here on out, understood?” “So you have the footage?” “Hell yeah. I came by last night to make sure it had all recorded. The bit with Evil Susan was especially hilarious.”
    • “HOT DAMN!” Devon started dancing, “I LOVE YOU, ANNIE TARELLE!” “Well, if you can kiss like he did…” *~*~*~*~*~*
    • “Well folks, there you have it! The Bad Romance of Archimedes Vetinari in all it’s glory.” “Did you really have to use Lady Gaga? Isn’t she a bit overdone?” “You can NEVER have too much Bad Romance!” I was quite adamant about this fact, as my ipod can attest. “This was an absolute blast to come up with, plan and shoot. The original idea was to simply have a bachelor challenge for Archie where he sleeps with all the girls before they go home, but then I realized we could include even more guest stars and how much more Archie would like that.” “Well, he is my Little Bastard.” “I do hope it made you smile, Doc, as well as anyone else. It was way too much fun working with all these sims and coming up with new and inappropriate ways for him to woohoo (or try to) them all!” —>
    • CREDITS Archie Vetinari & Spider Jerusalem Vetinari from “The Vetinari Dualegacy” by DocNerd Maximilian Goodytwoshoes from “The Squeaky Clean Legacy” by ProfessorButters Devon Decker & Annie Tarelle from “The Awesomesauce Bachelor Challenge” by Orikes THE LADIES Ophelia Smith from “The Pseudo Legacy” by Orikes Gertie Buccaneer from “A Piratical Legacy” by Purplebunny Lilah Whedon from “A Buffyverse Apocalypse” by RoseFyre Irene Xenobia from “Legacy of Jubilee” By Lauriempress Faye Morgan from “The Morgan Legacy” by Fireflower314 Addie Finch from “Puritanical Green Thumb” by Avidreader Delightful Goodytwoshoes from “The Squeaky Clean Legacy” by ProfessorButters Drusilla Whedonberry from “Whedonberry” by Stacilee Jenny Penguino from “The Penguino Legacy” by PenguinGirl Julia Caesar from “The Ten Caesars” by Blite27 Georgiana Austen from “The Regacy” by RegacyLady Sarah Livingston from “The Barsoom Legacy” by Leaths Lulu Buccaneer from “A Villainous Apocalypse” by Smoothiequeen87 Ella Discworld from “The Discworld Legacy” by Widget Sabriel Stark from “An Apocalypse of Ice” by CobaltAzure Corinna “Rin” Chandler from “Absolutely Crazy Matriarchy” by EverburningFire Anime Bored from “I.M. Bored” by LadyLarkRune Tiara Hair from “The Hair Legacy” by Rubbersushi Aria Bohemian from “The Bohemian Legacy” by Dgjamie Abe Munster from “The Munster Legacy” by Hurrikaty Eden Devereaux from “The Devereaux Legacy” by Peasant007 Kahlen Doran from “The Boolpropian Round Robin Legacy” by Lots of People Anne Legacy from “A Victorian Legacy” by Dicreasy Evonne Capp from “Familiar Faces” by Ndainye Evil Susan Agelenidae from “The Science of a Legacy” by Gintasticnecat