Communication conflict solutions TM Conference

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Presentation from Toastmasters conference "Cradle of human kind" on communication in conflict resolution. April 2011

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  • Conflicts arise from differing needs Conflicts festers when ignored We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions Conflicts can be an opportunity for growth
  • 1990, Elizabeth Newton earned a Ph.D. in psychology at Stanford "tappers" or "listeners. Happy Birthday or Nkosi sikaleli Afrika (Tap it now) Music in your head
  • Research: References: John Gottman Psychologist over 30 yrs expereince in relationships - as in M. Gladwell ’s “Blink”
  • 1. Criticism: drawing blood this is not related to specific actions, a complaint : “You left your clothes on the floor, pick them up” , instead “You always leave your clothes on the floor, you never pick them up, you just don’t care, you are an uncaring, heartless ….” criticism attacks the character. “You should … ; You always …. ; You never …” lead to defensiveness/stonewalling.
  • 2. Contempt: this is a step up from criticism . Here the intention is to insult - name calling, harsh teasing, mocking, eye rolling, sneering or hostile venomous comments “You are so self centred, you only care about yourself <with an eye roll and holier-than-though sneer>” Nonverbal communication plays a big role in conflict resolution 
  • 4. Stonewalling: when we get overwhelmed or flooded (by adrenaline or other body chemicals) we can shut down . This is often the response to nagging or feeling “attacked”. ignore all communication - conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness • Can include self-medicating with alcohol/drugs, workaholism
  • 3. Being defensive: defensive escalation is aimed at distraction them from their attack or complaint and placing the blame on them. It is natural to feel and get defensive when attacked. “ Well, you don’t always pick up your clothing either” Signs: ⋅ denying responsibility ⋅ making excuses ⋅ “yes – butting” ⋅ repeating yourself ⋅ whining ⋅ body language
  • Resistance - Stand - push each other ’s hand How was it? Had to push? How hard? as hard as they did?
  • Egg hot vs cold water hot is boiled and rigid Cold still fluid - home to life
  • Use repair mechanisms - soften the message - Focus on the process ; not the content ⋅ “Please let me finish” ⋅ “We’re getting off the topic” see their words as information strongly expressed . I feel - rather than you should Balanced feedback - think TM evaluation
  • What I liked - example ... specific x3 Demonstrate what could be improved ... give idea (1 or 2 things - not overwhelm) What I liked most Motivate to learn and grow/improve
  • Don ’t show your plumber’s crack But - negates what went before reverse buts Neg first then but pos
  • We can always fin at least 1% we agree with ... Focus on that Positive to build from
  • Honest laugh - snap out - pos state Happiness leads to more success - Shaun Achor - Harvard studies avge preschooler laughs or smiles 400 x day vs. 15 x day by 35.
  • Laughter is the best medicine - helps cope with stress Humor, judiciously used, can effectively defuse conflict Can effectively reduce the level and intensity of conflict among employees. When we experience humour .. depression, and anger and anxiety dissolve.
  • Freeze frame game 2 sets 2 players
  • Communication conflict solutions TM Conference

    1. 2. Conflict
    2. 3. Tapper / Listener
    3. 4. 4 Relationship poisons
    4. 5. Character assassination
    5. 6. Contempt
    6. 7. Stonewalling
    7. 8. Defensiveness
    8. 9. Resistance is futile
    9. 10. Hot or cold?
    10. 11. Antidotes
    11. 12. 3:2:1
    12. 13. Reverse But ’ s
    13. 14. 100/1% Agree 100% with the 1%
    14. 15. “ The shortest distance between two people is a laugh. ” Victor Borge
    15. 17. Shift Perspective
    16. 18. See as Opportunity Clarify meaning Remember 3-2-1 Reverse But’s 100/1% Humour Shift perspective
    17. 19. * J. Gottman: The Seven Principles * C. Dweck: Mindset * S. Achor: The Happiness Advantage * M. Goulston: Just Listen * K. Patterson: Crucial confrontations References

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