Malaysian Jokes

#1 Watch it Boss: You want to be our new night watchman? Are you qualified for the job? Applicant: Of course I am. Boss: What makes you think so? Applicant: The slightest amount of noise wakes me up.

#2 Give me a break Judge: Why did you break a vase over your husband’s head? Accused: Well, when I asked him what he thought of my new dress, he said, “It’ll never go out of style – it will look just as ridiculous year after year.” But it was an accident, Your Honour. Judge: How could it have been an accident? Accused: I had no intention of breaking the vase!

#3 Cut short A man approached his neighbour. “Tan,” he asked, “will you be using your golf clubs on Saturday?” Tan replied, “Yes, I’m playing golf this Saturday.” “ Good. Then you won’t be needing your lawnmower.” “ I’m afraid I won’t be able to lend it to you,” Tan said, shamefaced. “ The fellow I borrowed it from says the owner wants it back.”

#4 Driving it home The reckless driver of the taxi went through red lights and swerved around corners. His sole passenger, scared out of his wits, just stopped himself saying, “You drive like you own the road when you don’t even own the taxi,” and managed, “Please be careful – I have ten children at home.” The taxi driver retorted, “ You have 10 children and you’re telling me to be careful?”

#5 A matter of principle Samy: I feel like punching the headmaster in the nose again. Ali: What do you mean, again? Samy: I felt like it yesterday, too. Ali: What did he do to you? Samy: He faxed my report card to my father’s office!

#6 Brush-off The doctor said to the sick prostitute, “Take these pills, eat a non-greasy diet, and in three days you should be well and happy.” “ How much do I owe you?” she asked. “ Forty ringgit.” “ For forty ringgit,” she said, “I’ll do anything you ask.” The doctor replied, “ Paint my house.”

#7 Switch bitch Rosy: That’s a beautiful coat you’re wearing. Daisy: Yes, it costs RM360 – just to dry-clean! Rosy: Wow, did your husband change jobs? Daisy: No, I changed husbands!

#8 Half serious Lee: I’ve been asked to get married many times. Ong: Who asked you? Lee: My father and my mother! Ong: But I thought you already have a girlfriend. Lee: Yes, but she and I are only half serious about getting married: I am and she isn’t.

#9 No kidding Teacher: How old is your mother? Ah Gong: She is as old as I. Teacher: How can that be? Ah Gong: She became a mother only when I was born. Teacher: Hmmm, interesting. And what was your mother before her marriage? Ah Gong: Before her marriage, I had no mother.

# 10 The X Report Ah Moy: How did you do in the exam? Ah Mei: History does have a habit of repeating itself. I’ve failed it again. Ah Moy: What did your father say about it? Ah Mei: He gave me a stern warning and signed my report card with an X. Ah Moy: An X? Why? Ah Mei: He doesn’t want the teacher to know that anyone who could read and write has a daughter like me.

#11 All ears Tourist: What do you do with all that corn? Farmer: Well, we eat what we can, and what we can’t we can. Tourist’s wife: What did he say dear? Tourist: He said they ate what they could, and what they couldn’t they could.

#12 A friend Sam: You told me the other day that you’d be a friend to me to the end. Lim: That’s right. Sam: That’s wonderful. Will you lend me RM 13? Lim: No. Sam: You’re not superstitious, are you? Lim: No, but this is the end.

The End A laugh a day keeps the doctor away. With Metta, Bro.Oh Teik Bin