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身心放松 专注入境
作文指导 : 怎样使语言更富有表现力 东莞中学初中部  黄宏伟
鉴赏比较
下面是一篇同学的习作,比较原稿和修改稿的效果。哪一个好?请说出理由。     [ 原稿 ]   母亲说我头发太乱,同学说我头发横七竖八,我却不以为然。现在不正流行这样的吗?      ------------------------------------------------------------- [ 修改稿 ]   老妈说我满头“秀发”连一堆枯茅草也不如,同学说我的发型有点谢霆锋的“判逆版”的模样,也就是“强盗般”的。对此,本人打心眼里不屑一顾。公元 2008 年,满大街最流行的不就是那种把头发一根根拉直再剪得参差不齐乱七八糟零零碎碎然后做得蓬蓬松松的“乱发”吗?这真是“天然去雕饰”,又省 money 又 cool !你们花钱还做不成这么粗犷自然呢?  
讨论思考
请将你曾使用过的,能让作文语言更有表现力的“妙招”介绍给你的同桌,一起探讨交流。
解读“妙招”
“ 妙招”之一:运用雅词(叠音词、拟声词)、成语,展现自己厚实的语言功底。 
不必说 碧绿的 菜畦, 光滑的 石井栏, 高大的 皂荚树, 紫红的 桑葚;也不必说鸣蝉在树叶里长吟,肥胖的黄蜂伏在菜花上, 轻捷的 叫天子 ( 云雀 ) 忽然从草间直窜向云霄里去了。单是周围的短短的泥墙根一带,就有无限趣味。油蛉在这里 低唱 ,蟋蟀们在这里 弹琴 。 —— 《从百草园到三味书屋》
一轮红日从竹林东面 冉冉( rǎn ) 升起,竹林中的动物都苏醒了。小动物从巢穴中钻出来的 窸窣( xīsū ) 声,鸟儿 缠绵 的歌声,风吹过的 萧萧 声,阡陌上 荡漾 着阵阵 爽朗 的笑声,合奏起一首春天的交响曲;田野上的花儿 姹( chà )紫嫣( yān )红 地开起来了, 五彩斑斓 的蝴蝶 翩翩 地舞起来了,屋顶上的炊烟 袅袅( niǎo ) 地升起来了,盛大的乡村舞会就这样悄然拉开了序幕!
“ 妙招”之二:运用多种修辞手法,展现自己较高的文学素养。 或 比喻 ,或 拟人 ,或 排比 ,或 反复 ,由此及彼,由物及人,形象生动,又藏而不露;能悦人耳目,引人遐想,又耐人咀嚼回味。
每一穗花都是上面的盛开、下面的待放。颜色便上浅下深,好像那紫色沉淀下来了,沉淀在最嫩最小的花苞里。 每一朵盛开的花像是一个张满了的小小的帆,帆下带着尖底的舱。船舱鼓鼓的,又像一个忍俊不禁的笑容,就要绽开似的。   —— 《紫藤萝瀑布》
桂林的山真奇啊, 一座座拔地而起,各不相连,像老人,像巨象,像骆驼,奇峰罗列,形态万千; 桂林的山真秀啊, 像翠绿的屏障,像新生的竹笋,色彩明丽,倒映水中; 桂林的山真险啊, 危峰兀立,怪石嶙峋,好像一不小心就会栽倒下来。 漓江的水真静啊, 静得让你感觉不到它在流动; 漓江的水真清啊, 清得可以看见江底的沙石; 漓江的水真绿啊, 绿得仿佛那是一块无瑕的翡翠。
“ 妙招”之三:引用(或化用)诗词、名言、格言、俗语、歌词、经典广告语等,展现自己阅读的广度和厚实的底蕴。
我畅游在书的海洋,坐着轻舟在三峡之中急流勇进,感受李白“ 两岸猿声啼不住,轻舟已过万重山 ”的喜悦与豪情,体验郦道元“ 巴东三峡巫峡长,猿鸣三声泪沾裳 ”的凄凉和忧伤,不禁潸( shān )然泪下。两种截然不同的感情荡涤心扉,我不禁大呼 “精彩” !
日晕和月晕常常产生在卷层云上,卷层云后面的大片高层云和雨层云,是大风雨的征兆。所以有“ 日晕三更雨,月晕午时风 ”的说法。……人们常说:“ 东虹轰隆西虹雨 。”……朝霞在西,表明阴雨天气在向我们进袭;晚霞在东,表示最近几天里天气晴朗。所以有“ 朝霞不出门,晚霞行千里 ”的谚语。  ——《 看云识天气 》
作文片段训练: ① 登山路上,…… (游人、绿树、花香、鸟语、白云、诗句 ) ② 篮球场上,…… (运动员、裁判员、教练员、拉拉队员……)
妙招之四:运用各种描写,展现自己独特的个性才情。 比如 景物描写、动作描写、外貌描写、细节描写 等,是优秀作文的得分点。 描写即用文字做画, 文章中有一两段细致入微的描写,犹如电影中的特写镜头,使人如临其境,如见其人。
(卢沟桥)桥面用石板铺砌,两旁有石栏石柱。每个柱头上都雕刻着不同姿态的狮子。这些石刻狮子, 有的母子相抱,有的交头接耳,有的像倾听水声,有的像注视行人, 千态万状,惟妙惟肖。   ——《 中国石拱桥 》
到了学校,首先是早读。同学们哇啦哇啦,摇头晃脑,没哇啦一会儿,嗓子发干,便不那么用力了。 班主任像太师爷一样在讲台上坐着,眼睛睁得贼大,目光像探照灯一般扫射着教室,连遥远的角落也不肯放过:“谁没张口,啊?谁在开小差,啊?……”这会儿听声音低下去了,他便猛地把讲台一拍:嘭!“给我大声读啊!” “嗡”地一声,教室里又炸开了锅。
“ 妙招”之五:句式活泼而富有变化(整句散句、长句短句),展现娴熟的文字技巧。 整句是整齐匀称、节奏和谐、气势贯通、意义鲜明的句子。 散句是结构不同,字数长短不一的句子。
小草偷偷地从土里钻出来,嫩嫩的,绿绿的。 园子里,田野里,瞧去,一大片一大片满是的。坐着,躺着,打两个滚,踢几脚球,赛几趟跑,捉几回迷藏。风轻悄悄的,草软绵绵的。  ——《春》 短句呈活泼灵动、音韵和谐之美,读起来朗朗上口。
不过,瞿( qú )塘峡中,激流澎湃,涛如雷鸣,江面形成无数漩涡,船从漩涡中冲过,只听得一片哗啦啦的水声。过了八公里的瞿塘峡,乌沉沉的云雾,突然隐去。峡顶上一道蓝天,浮着几小片金色浮云,一注阳光像闪电样落在左边峭壁上。  ——《长江三日》 句式各种各样,字数不拘,灵活多变,形象生动,把瞿塘峡的美景描写得栩栩如生,避免了单调呆板、毫无生气。
这里的山, 巍巍的,有如一道屏障;长长的,又如伸开的两臂, 将晋祠拥在怀中。 春日黄花满山,径幽香远;秋来草木萧疏,天高水清。 无论什么时候拾级登山都会感到心旷神怡。 —《 晋祠 》 走生路,生而出新;走险路,险而出奇;走难路,难而不俗。    —— 《黄山拾美》 整句显节奏和谐之美
“ 妙招”之一 : 运用 雅词、成语 等。  “ 妙招”之二 : 运用多种 修辞手法 。 “ 妙招”之三 : 引用(化用) 诗词、名言、格言、俗语、歌词、经典广告语 等。 “ 妙招”之四 : 运用多种 描写 。 “ 妙招”之五 : 句式 活泼而富有变化。 课堂小结:
小试牛刀
[文段一] 星期天, 我到小区大门外的“一剪美”理发。理发师熟练地换着工具,梳剪着头发。半小时后,发理完了,我非常满意。回家的路上,我觉得什么东西都美都顺眼,什么声音都悦耳。  
[ 文段二 ] 星期一早晨,操场上,全校师生排着整齐的队伍,在举行升旗仪式。突然,小怡同学晕倒了。
老师寄语: 1 、 广闻见,勤阅读,常练笔,多积累。 2 、 文章不厌千遍改,语不惊人誓不休  。 3 、为文须养气,辞达则气畅。

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