1. Potty poetry
Our citizens are hoity- toity
And at times downright naughty
Yet our city has to teach them
A thing or two in daily potty.
2. The kicks from behind are a side-issue
The donkeys may not wear
Nappies or tissues happily
How you will persuade them
To wear them is the central issue.
Painful kicks from their behinds
Are ,after all, a side-issue.
“Donkey owners in a Kenyan town are up in arms after officials ordered their animals to
3. One need not have a large brain to be a civil servant
He is a French civil servant
With a pin-sized brain
Thank God one need not be
Well -endowed in that line.
“A man with an unusually tiny brain managed to live an entirely normal life as a civil
servant.Scans of the 44-year-old man’s brain showed a huge fluid-filled chamber took up
most of his skull.French researchers say it left room for little more than a thin sheet of actual
4. They can profitably stare at the ceiling
The ministers have no work to do
Here ,there,and anywhere
They make friends with the lizard
And stare and stare and stare
The ceiling is a good place to stare ,
Away from the public glare,
They also serve the nation
Who sit in their chairs and stare.
(”At least 30 assistant Kenyan ministers have written a letter to the president, complaining
they have no work to do.”)
5. The bum truth
For a year he has not spoken a single lie
But when it comes to the wife’s bum
He could neither speak the “big” lie
Nor keep mum: one does not know why.
A Swansea man is about to complete a year without telling a lie - but admits he came unstuck
when his wife asked: “Does my bum look big in this?”
6. A bad case of “guestritis”
This honored guest has talked
For 30 hours without break
Her friend is sick with chronic
“Guestritis”, what the heck.
7. We settle for the meat
For the sexy babes the brain
Surely takes the back seat
The brainy ones are not much
In the bed , rain or heat
Finally we sacrifice gray matter
And settle for the meat.
8. The bride in whiskers
This German farmer had picked up
His pretty bride on the net
On his first night she was actually
A whiskered man in her pants.
9. He felt forlorn and love-lorn, watching porn
He felt sad and forlorn,
Watching alone all the porn
He actually liked all of you
To feel equally love-lorn
And screened the stuff for all
Ye,high-born and low-born !
“A TECHNICIAN at a French Polynesian television station has been suspended from work
after accidentally screening a porn movie he thought he was watching alone”
10. Mountain dew prevents pregnancy
All through the night we make love
Under the stars, me and you
Our torrid love affair goes on ,
Protected by the mountain dew
In the company of the mountain goat
And the friendly sheep and the ewe.
“ORLANDO, Fla. — A recent survey that found some Florida teens believe drinking a cap of
bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy has prompted
lawmakers to push for an overhaul of sex education in the state.”
11. Poo analysis is a scholarly pursuit that stimulates the intellectual in you
It is true that poo is serious stuff
Not merely belonging to the loo
Poo smells a lot but tells a lot too,
Highly useful like the didgeridoo.
View it like a regular for a detailed
And scatological analysis in your loo
These scholarly pursuits will surely
Stimulate the intellectual in you.
12. You get banned from tennis if you grunt loudly in play
You get banned from tennis
If you grunt loudly in play
For such noises distract
The other players all day
Less distracting sounds like
Passing the wind seem okay.
13. It is the plumbing problems that plague their performance
The Kiwis' concerns are neither
Less libido nor lack of chance
It is the plumbing problems
That plague their performance.
“Lack of sexual desire and infrequent intercourse are among the most common sexual
problems experienced by New Zealanders, according to a new academic study.”
14. It is a foul and dastardly act to leak before the Police Department
The cops are polite guys
With a friendly public face
It is a dastardly act and
Is surely a cognizable case
If a guy chooses to leak
Right in front of their place.
“An apparently drunk man picked the wrong place to tinkle. Appleton, Wis. police arrested
the man Friday afternoon after he reportedly relieved himself in front of the police
15. In our country we vacuum our underpants off and on
A vacuum cleaner is without doubt
The most gorgeous thing in town
Its going is smooth ,under and down
In our country we vacuum off and on
All our underpants ,above and down-
A normal practice ,you would have known.
A Polish worker had been caught in the act with a vacuum cleaner and when asked what he
was doing with the machine ,he claimed that he was vacuuming his underpants, which was a
normal practice in Poland.
16. Vinny the mobster is verily the pulchritudinous friendster
Vinny mobster is very gorgeous,
But inside the prison Vinny who ?
These days Vinny the poo practices
His sharp-shooting in prison loo
Vinny is now a great scholar ,
Both pulchritudinous and platitudinous
He tells his son do’s and don’t s and
Has hobbies truly multitudinous.
NEW YORK (AP) - He’s known as Vinny Gorgeous, but convicted mob boss Vincent Basciano
might want to trade up to Vinny Photogenic or Vinny Pulchritudinous.
17. All the world is a stage ,all the men and women players
Without booze and fag
We cannot think of a bar
If we cannot have our bar
Without nicotine and tar
We shall deem our bar
Just Shakespearean theater.
All the world is a stage and
Men players says the bard.
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more.
It is a tale told by an idiot
Full of smoke and fury
Our lungs are black
Like Macbeth’s dark deeds
And all our yesterdays
Have lighted fools
The way to dusty death.
“Bars in Minnesota are declaring themselves theatres to get around a public smoking ban.
The state ban allows actors to light up in character during theatrical productions.
So the bars are declaring themselves theatres and their customers performers, reports the Daily
18. The humbled lion now stands on the herald without its manhood
Women will have none of this
Male stuff on the herald
So there is now no penis
In the lion’s loins, O my God
The humbled lion now stands
Without penis on the herald.
“Protests from female soldiers have led to the Swedish military removing the penis of a heraldic lion
depicted on the Nordic Battlegroup’s coat of arms.
The armed forces agreed to emasculate the lion after a group of women from the rapid reaction force
lodged a complaint to the European Court of Justice, Göteborgs-Posten reports.”
19. A she-goat is not acceptable looking to the gravity of the offense
The first lady Kibaki has whacked him allegedly
Nothing less than a he-goat and an apology
Is what the victim demands from the first family
A she-goat is not acceptable looking to the gravity.
“Amidst the political unrest that has ravaged Kenya, elders are demanding a goat from the President
as compensation for an alleged assault by his wife.”
20. Art for ants’ sake
For art’s sake we stand naked
Against the tree in cling-film
Big black ants are playing
Havoc with our sensitivities.
(Naked students in Colombia attach themselves to trees in cling-film in the name of art.)
21. This daddy is hot
While the whole family was sick
And little Tom ached all over
The daddy got hot last night
Sonny’s vowels have come off loose.
(Excuse letter from home
Maryann was absent December 11 - 16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset
stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father
even got hot last night. )
22. We decorate your interior
We do all kinds of dick painting
And other interior decoration
Guaranteed to enhance yours and
Partner’s aesthetic satisfaction.
(An advertisement for home improvement:
“C G Dick Painting has provided high quality wall covering and painting expertise for the last 26
years to Columbia County, New York residences. Owners Craig and Victoria Dick are members of the
National Guild of Professional Paperhangers, offering our customers with the best in training,
installations, and product selections for your interior wall needs.)
23. With an ignoranus the sarchasm will widen
Dealing with an ignoranus will
Only increase sarchasm quickly
And you withdraw willy-nilly
Making you look really silly.
(The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it
by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Some hilarious ones are as
Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an arse.
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent….”
24. The world is their loo
Men are happier than women
Because the world is their loo
And when they belch they can beat
Beethoven black and blue.
(Why Men Are Happier Than Women
1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
4. We can be president.
5. The world is our urinal.
6. Same work, more pay.
7. Wrinkles add character.
8. People never stare at our chest when we’re talking to them.
9. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.”)
25. The Spanish cows appreciate classical music and have a dim view of rock and
The Spanish cows have eclectic tastes
When they go about their lactation
But as cognoscenti they choose Mozart
Over rock and jazz without hesitation.
“The Chirigota farm on the outskirts of Madrid is using an innovative system to produce the best
quality milk possible from its milking cows.
The bovines are treated like VIP’s at this Spanish farm with the help of accessories such as waterbeds,
electronic brushes and sprinklers that have turned the complex into a five-star hotel for pampered cows.
However, the biggest influence on milk quality, according to the farm owners, is the use of music. It is
not any old music though, but that of the composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The placid harmonies
of the Austrian composer’s concerto for flute and harp in D major is played continually at milking
time. The music soothes the nerves of the Friesians.
26. Our company sucks but our rival sucks more
Our company sucks,in the core,
Our programs are such a bore
But there is good news at the door
Our rival company sucks more.
(”NEW YORK –
Sirius Satellite Radio Inc. (SIRI) CEO Mel Karmazin sought to allay shareholder concerns at the
company’s annual meeting Thursday, saying he was just as disappointed as other investors in Sirius’
lagging stock price. Compared to rival XM (XMSR), however, he said: “We suck less.”
27. Personal freshness is a matter of confidence
His pants have been worn for 2 years ,
Pretty pants we heartily agree
Are you confident about your personal freshness ,
We ask hesitatingly.
(”Darwin man wears same trousers for 2.5 years The fashion police have been called in on a Darwin
accountant who admits he has worn the same pair of trousers every work day for more than two years.
“Wayne” will not reveal his surname but is proud of wearing the same pants Monday to Friday, only
washing them on the weekend.The father of one says he sometimes gets another wear out of them on
Saturday”I wear them all week, don’t wash,” he said.
“I do wash them at the end of the week and I sometimes wear them out on a Saturday night when I go
to live theatre or wherever it may be.
“But nearly two-and-a-half years I’ve been wearing the same set of trousers.”
Business etiquette specialist Patsy Rowe has told the ABC’s Barry Nichols that Wayne’s case is deeply
“I’m just a little concerned,” she said.
“This is a personal matter Barry, and I wouldn’t discuss it normally, about odour. One doesn’t like to
bring this up but is Wayne confident about his personal freshness?”
28. Porno reading is permitted for rape convicts
In prison you cannot read porno
And the law is very strict,
Unless you have at least one
Rape conviction to your credit.
“STOCKHOLM, Sweden –Convicted sex offenders in Sweden are free to read pornography in their
cells following a court ruling that has angered the prison service.
The Supreme Administrative Court in Stockholm last week ruled that the Swedish Prison and
Probation Service had no right to deny a rape convict access to his porn magazines.”
29. The cops are without pants
The Baltimore police are in a crisis
With their stakes very high
Without a pair of pants how can they
Look the thieves in the eye ?
“BALTIMORE –Baltimore police are looking for a few good pairs of pants.
The police department has run out of two popular sizes of the custom-made navy blue uniform pants it
provides to every officer, a department spokesman said Wednesday.”
30. Buy two kilos of cabbage and you get a pack of condoms free
If you buy two kilos of cabbages
You get a nice pack of condoms free
We are now stocking up on cabbages
For the ensuing monsoon with glee.
(NEW DELHI (Reuters) - India, struggling to promote greater condom use among its population, is
looking to hire its own “condom man” to follow the example of a former Thai cabinet minister who
successfully pushed for safer sex, the Times of India reported.
National AIDS Control Organization (NACO) chief Sujatha Rao said that India needed to find
someone like Mechai Viravaidya, famous for getting Thais to talk about sex, condoms and
AIDS.Viravaidya became famous in Thailand as the “Condom King” for actions such as taking
condoms to World Bank talks as well as for the name of his Bangkok restaurant “Cabbages and
Condoms,” where condoms are a major part of the decor.)
31. Women shake their fingers at their manhood
Giggling women shake their fingers
At speeding drivers
The aspersions they cast on their manhood
“A new Australian ad campaign is seeking to reduce road deaths by questioning the manhood of
The series of TV ads shows women shaking their little finger - a gesture used to symbolise a small penis
- as speeding male motorists race past.”
32. Plunging necklines are not spiritually uplifting
They attend the mass every Sunday
Deep in their souls they ardently pray
Alas, plunging necklines have their sway
Over bodies making them an easy prey.
(“The Catholic Church has issued guidelines on what Filipinos should wear to mass in Manila after
some parishioners complained about distracting skimpy attire.
“This is to remind people that it would be good to come in appropriate clothing because other people are
scandalized,” said Peachy Yamsuan of the archdiocese of Manila on Monday.
“It is for the other worshippers who are distracted. You come to the church to pray and if your eyes
wander and you see inappropriate clothes, well, it does not add to your spiritual goals.”)
33. The women are self-sufficient and men should focus on their core competencies
The American women should be admired
For their self-sufficiency
They would prefer their men to leave them
To their own proficiency
And focus on doing dishes and vacuum cleaning
As their core competency.
“There was a new study out that said a majority of women do not have an orgasm from intercourse but
rather from foreplay, specially oral sex. A little over half of the women questioned said they only have
an orgasm during intercourse about 35 percent of the time as opposed to having an orgasm about 70
percent of the time when their partner does oral sex to them.
Even more interesting, women also said that they not only achieve an orgasm more often than not
when they are masturbating with a toy but the orgasm is usually more intense and they generally have
multiple orgasms when they are alone.”
34. We are sure the police are adequately trained in changing diapers
They will jail a thumb-sucking toddler
For firing on the police
We admire them for their sagacity
We hope they can change diapers
Every five minutes thrice.
(“Srinagar: Police in Kashmir usually accustomed to fighting separatist militants have a new target in
their sights — teenagers canoodling in parks, restaurants and at Internet cafes.The crackdown aims to
curb “immoral activities,” a senior police officer said on Friday, adding that dozens of places had been
raided across Srinagar.”)
35. Their moral conscience is outraged
The cops here are decent guys with liberal views
But they cant bear the youth with morals loose
When it comes to really touching in public places
Even if transactions are avoided in private places.
(”Srinagar: Police in Kashmir usually accustomed to fighting separatist militants have a new target in
their sights — teenagers canoodling in parks, restaurants and at Internet cafes.
The crackdown aims to curb “immoral activities,” a senior police officer said on Friday, adding that
dozens of places had been raided across Srinagar.”)
36. We now call her Joan of Arc
In our party we love intensely our madam
And worship her as Durga at kadam kadam
We are sorry she does not like it ek dum
We now call her Joan of Arc ,that is a lark.
She will now bless us profusely,please mark.
NEW DELHI: It could have been a sycophantic partyman pulling off the old trick to curry favour with
the leadership. But the man responsible for the projection of Sonia Gandhi as goddess Durga in a poster
in Moradabad had no idea that the Congress president would hardly react with divine beneficience.
With TV cameras repeatedly zooming on the poster at the Moradabad district Congress office, Sonia
called for immediate action. Moradabad district party unit chief Ajay S Soni was suspended.
(Kadam kadam means at every step. Ek dum means absolutely or suddenly)
37. Naughty ladies make innocent gentlemen blush
Innocent gentlemen politely admire female faces
Turning their gaze away from the interesting areas
Naughty ladies focus on men’s other areas directly
Making them blush severely in their under-pants.
(ATLANTA - Contrary to popular opinion, men are more likely to look at a female’s face before other
areas when looking at pictures of naked women, according to a study by Emory University researchers.
And women will gaze at pictures of heterosexual sex longer than men, the study found.
Both findings, published in the journal Hormones and Behavior, shed light on sexual attitudes that
really aren’t all that mysterious when considered in a scientific light, Emory psychologist Kim Wallen
38. There was a cleavage on display on Wednesday afternoon
There was a cleavage on display
On Wednesday afternoon
So pronounced was the cleavage
In the candidates’ opinion.
“In Washington, where professional women’s style statements are pointedly conservative,
Hillary Clinton’s cleavage has suddenly burst into one of the hottest topics of the Democratic
presidential race. The normally very conservative dresser’s slightly low neckline during a
July 18 campaign debate on education mostly went unremarked at first, until Washington
Post fashion writer Robin Givhan took notice and branded it a “small acknowledgment of
sexuality and femininity.”
39. Auntie Linettie makes the finest panty in Ypsilantie
Auntie Linettie in Ypsilanti makes
The prettiest panty, the Ypsipanty
Our beauteous auntie wears
The finest panty , the Ypsipanty.
PSILANTI, Mich. (AP) — Around here, history lives on with people’s underwear.
Two artists are selling hot pink underwear screen-printed with the word “Ypsipanty” as part of an
effort to keep alive the city’s historical place in the underwear business.
Linette Lao and Mark Maynard have sold nearly 200 pair of Ypsipanties
40. Your cleavage is my heavy haulage
Get off my bus, busty lady ,
But what is the big bus fuss ?
Your bust makes my butt miss
And heavily I miss the bus.
“A 20-year-old woman was told to get off a bus in southern Germany by the driver because she was too
The woman, named only as Deborah, told a German national newspaper: “Suddenly he stopped the
bus. He opened the door and shouted at me ‘Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my
mirror and I can’t concentrate on the traffic. If you don’t sit somewhere else, I’m going to have to
throw you off the bus “
41. Grass cutting in bikinis improves quality by at least 40%
The bikini-clad ladies make
A fine job of mowing grass
The mowing improves by 40%
When it is done in bikinis
A recent study confirms
Grass cut in dress lacks body
Cutting in bikinis spells
Significant upgrade in quality.
“The women of Tiger Time Lawn Care offer to mow customers’ lawns dressed in bikini service
that attracts more attention to the ladies than the lawns.Beckman said the extra
attention was expected, but she looks on the bright side.“You get the attention but you
also get a tan, which I need,” she said. Owner Lee Cathey said the bikini service would
make mowing the lawn a lot more interesting, although the fee is slightly higher.
42. Naked people do not impress her much
This old man in the buff tried
To get her to look down there
But naked people do not impress her
After all that wear and tear.
“On July 6, a 68-year-old man showed up naked downtown, walking the streets during Gallery Walk, a
monthly social event in which people roam downtown, stopping in art galleries and shops. Gallery
owner Suzanne Corsano was locking up for the night when she encountered him on a sidewalk.
“Naked people don’t impress me,” said Corsano, 60. “But to be walking down the street like that. I just
looked straight at him, and he looked down. He was trying to get me to look down there, but I
43. Spreading pissiculture
We are flushed with pride
At these marvelous musical loos
This way we spread toilet culture far
And drive away our blues.
(“BEIJING - They’re flush with pride in a southwestern Chinese city where a recently-opened
porcelain palace features an Egyptian facade, soothing music and more than 1,000 toilets spread out
over 32,290 square feet.Officials in Chongqing are preparing to submit an application to Guinness
World Records to have the free four-story public bathroom listed as the world’s largest, the state-run
China Central Television reported Friday.)
44. Nearly half of the Shanghai girls had sex with boys they had met, online
46% girls had sex with boys
They had just met online
We can’t understand how
One becomes pregnant online
Thank goodness ,the balance
Had sex entirely offline.
Shanghai: Nearly half of pregnant teens in China’s financial centre Shanghai met their partners on the
Internet, according to a newspaper report that also spotlighted widespread ignorance about sexual
health.Fully 46 per cent of the more than 20,000 girls who called the city’s pregnancy hot line during
the past two years said they had sex with boys they met online, the China Daily said, citing Dr. Zhang
Zhengrong of Shanghai’s No. 411 Hospital.”
45. In such provocative situations one cannot concentrate on our Lord and Master
With naked bodies staring down
From the billboard
It is rather difficult to meditate
On our master and Lord.
NEW YORK - A bidet company’s advertising plans in Times Square are too cheeky for the pastor of a
nearby church.Rev. Neil Rhodes, pastor of the interdenominational Times Square Church, is asking a
state court to block a billboard company from posting huge ads that feature naked buttocks with smiley
faces on them. The display is to go up on two sides of the Broadway building that houses Rhodes’
church, its Bible school and day-care center.
“You walk into a church building, you have naked bodies before your eyes, how are you going to close
your eyes and seek God?” Rhodes told the New York Post in an article published Sunday.
46. Bush takes his sweeping job seriously
Bush had proposed sweeping
We are not clear as to why
He had to sweep all of them.
“President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you
consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery.” –
47. If you have name with an “i”and smilie without reasoni you can be a beauty queen y
If you are really randy
With the looks of a candy
You then are eye-Candy
With a name like Candi
And certainly not a disciple
Of Mahatma Gandhi.
“Have you thought about the field of competitive beauty pageantry? We have some photos from a
“school” in Bolivia that prepares young women for a long and rewarding career of tiara-wearing. If
you can smile for no reason whatsoever, and your name ends in an “i” even though it probably
shouldn’t - Bambi, Brandi, Randi, Candi, etc. - you may have royal potential. Think about it.”
48. Women seem undecided where to look
The last survey stated women
Looked at men’s crotches
The latest reveals that they
Actually look at men’s eyes
We request them to make up
Their minds once and for all
Where they actually look ,
Whether on the eyes or crotches.
According to a survey by internet firm Buy Specs4Less.co.uk , while men’s obsession with women’s
busts makes their eyes inadvertently turn towards them before roving to their behind and legs, women
are more drawn towards a man’s eyes.