Humor In Verse
Upcoming SlideShare
Loading in...5
×
 

Humor In Verse

on

  • 643 views

odd news ,zany news in verse

odd news ,zany news in verse

Statistics

Views

Total Views
643
Views on SlideShare
643
Embed Views
0

Actions

Likes
0
Downloads
10
Comments
0

0 Embeds 0

No embeds

Accessibility

Upload Details

Uploaded via as Adobe PDF

Usage Rights

© All Rights Reserved

Report content

Flagged as inappropriate Flag as inappropriate
Flag as inappropriate

Select your reason for flagging this presentation as inappropriate.

Cancel
  • Full Name Full Name Comment goes here.
    Are you sure you want to
    Your message goes here
    Processing…
Post Comment
Edit your comment

Humor In Verse Humor In Verse Document Transcript

  • Potty poetry Our citizens are hoity- toity And at times downright naughty Yet our city has to teach them A thing or two in daily potty.
  • The kicks from behind are a side-issue The donkeys may not wear Nappies or tissues happily How you will persuade them To wear them is the central issue. Painful kicks from their behinds Are ,after all, a side-issue. “Donkey owners in a Kenyan town are up in arms after officials ordered their animals to wear nappies.”
  • One need not have a large brain to be a civil servant He is a French civil servant With a pin-sized brain Thank God one need not be Well -endowed in that line. “A man with an unusually tiny brain managed to live an entirely normal life as a civil servant.Scans of the 44-year-old man’s brain showed a huge fluid-filled chamber took up most of his skull.French researchers say it left room for little more than a thin sheet of actual brain tissue.”
  • They can profitably stare at the ceiling The ministers have no work to do Here ,there,and anywhere They make friends with the lizard And stare and stare and stare The ceiling is a good place to stare , Away from the public glare, They also serve the nation Who sit in their chairs and stare. (”At least 30 assistant Kenyan ministers have written a letter to the president, complaining they have no work to do.”)
  • The bum truth For a year he has not spoken a single lie But when it comes to the wife’s bum He could neither speak the “big” lie Nor keep mum: one does not know why. A Swansea man is about to complete a year without telling a lie - but admits he came unstuck when his wife asked: “Does my bum look big in this?”
  • A bad case of “guestritis” This honored guest has talked For 30 hours without break Her friend is sick with chronic “Guestritis”, what the heck.
  • We settle for the meat For the sexy babes the brain Surely takes the back seat The brainy ones are not much In the bed , rain or heat Finally we sacrifice gray matter And settle for the meat.
  • The bride in whiskers This German farmer had picked up His pretty bride on the net On his first night she was actually A whiskered man in her pants.
  • He felt forlorn and love-lorn, watching porn He felt sad and forlorn, Watching alone all the porn He actually liked all of you To feel equally love-lorn And screened the stuff for all Ye,high-born and low-born ! “A TECHNICIAN at a French Polynesian television station has been suspended from work after accidentally screening a porn movie he thought he was watching alone”
  • Mountain dew prevents pregnancy All through the night we make love Under the stars, me and you Our torrid love affair goes on , Protected by the mountain dew In the company of the mountain goat And the friendly sheep and the ewe. “ORLANDO, Fla. — A recent survey that found some Florida teens believe drinking a cap of bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy has prompted lawmakers to push for an overhaul of sex education in the state.”
  • Poo analysis is a scholarly pursuit that stimulates the intellectual in you It is true that poo is serious stuff Not merely belonging to the loo Poo smells a lot but tells a lot too, Highly useful like the didgeridoo. View it like a regular for a detailed And scatological analysis in your loo These scholarly pursuits will surely Stimulate the intellectual in you.
  • You get banned from tennis if you grunt loudly in play You get banned from tennis If you grunt loudly in play For such noises distract The other players all day Less distracting sounds like Passing the wind seem okay.
  • It is the plumbing problems that plague their performance The Kiwis' concerns are neither Less libido nor lack of chance It is the plumbing problems That plague their performance. “Lack of sexual desire and infrequent intercourse are among the most common sexual problems experienced by New Zealanders, according to a new academic study.”
  • It is a foul and dastardly act to leak before the Police Department The cops are polite guys With a friendly public face It is a dastardly act and Is surely a cognizable case If a guy chooses to leak Right in front of their place. “An apparently drunk man picked the wrong place to tinkle. Appleton, Wis. police arrested the man Friday afternoon after he reportedly relieved himself in front of the police department.”
  • In our country we vacuum our underpants off and on A vacuum cleaner is without doubt The most gorgeous thing in town Its going is smooth ,under and down In our country we vacuum off and on All our underpants ,above and down- A normal practice ,you would have known. . A Polish worker had been caught in the act with a vacuum cleaner and when asked what he was doing with the machine ,he claimed that he was vacuuming his underpants, which was a normal practice in Poland.
  • Vinny the mobster is verily the pulchritudinous friendster Vinny mobster is very gorgeous, But inside the prison Vinny who ? These days Vinny the poo practices His sharp-shooting in prison loo Vinny is now a great scholar , Both pulchritudinous and platitudinous He tells his son do’s and don’t s and Has hobbies truly multitudinous. NEW YORK (AP) - He’s known as Vinny Gorgeous, but convicted mob boss Vincent Basciano might want to trade up to Vinny Photogenic or Vinny Pulchritudinous.
  • All the world is a stage ,all the men and women players Without booze and fag We cannot think of a bar If we cannot have our bar Without nicotine and tar We shall deem our bar Just Shakespearean theater. All the world is a stage and Men players says the bard. Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot Full of smoke and fury Our lungs are black Like Macbeth’s dark deeds And all our yesterdays Have lighted fools The way to dusty death. “Bars in Minnesota are declaring themselves theatres to get around a public smoking ban. The state ban allows actors to light up in character during theatrical productions. So the bars are declaring themselves theatres and their customers performers, reports the Daily Telegraph.“
  • The humbled lion now stands on the herald without its manhood Women will have none of this Male stuff on the herald So there is now no penis In the lion’s loins, O my God The humbled lion now stands Without penis on the herald. “Protests from female soldiers have led to the Swedish military removing the penis of a heraldic lion depicted on the Nordic Battlegroup’s coat of arms. The armed forces agreed to emasculate the lion after a group of women from the rapid reaction force lodged a complaint to the European Court of Justice, Göteborgs-Posten reports.”
  • A she-goat is not acceptable looking to the gravity of the offense The first lady Kibaki has whacked him allegedly Nothing less than a he-goat and an apology Is what the victim demands from the first family A she-goat is not acceptable looking to the gravity. “Amidst the political unrest that has ravaged Kenya, elders are demanding a goat from the President as compensation for an alleged assault by his wife.”
  • Art for ants’ sake For art’s sake we stand naked Against the tree in cling-film Big black ants are playing Havoc with our sensitivities. (Naked students in Colombia attach themselves to trees in cling-film in the name of art.)
  • This daddy is hot While the whole family was sick And little Tom ached all over The daddy got hot last night Sonny’s vowels have come off loose. (Excuse letter from home Maryann was absent December 11 - 16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. )
  • We decorate your interior We do all kinds of dick painting And other interior decoration Guaranteed to enhance yours and Partner’s aesthetic satisfaction. (An advertisement for home improvement: “C G Dick Painting has provided high quality wall covering and painting expertise for the last 26 years to Columbia County, New York residences. Owners Craig and Victoria Dick are members of the National Guild of Professional Paperhangers, offering our customers with the best in training, installations, and product selections for your interior wall needs.)
  • With an ignoranus the sarchasm will widen Dealing with an ignoranus will Only increase sarchasm quickly And you withdraw willy-nilly Making you look really silly. (The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Some hilarious ones are as follows : Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an arse. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent….” http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/3830
  • The world is their loo Men are happier than women Because the world is their loo And when they belch they can beat Beethoven black and blue. (Why Men Are Happier Than Women 1. We keep our last name. 2. The garage is all ours. 4. We can be president. 5. The world is our urinal. 6. Same work, more pay. 7. Wrinkles add character. 8. People never stare at our chest when we’re talking to them. 9. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.”) http://www.davesdaily.com/funpages.htm
  • The Spanish cows appreciate classical music and have a dim view of rock and jazz The Spanish cows have eclectic tastes When they go about their lactation But as cognoscenti they choose Mozart Over rock and jazz without hesitation. “The Chirigota farm on the outskirts of Madrid is using an innovative system to produce the best quality milk possible from its milking cows. The bovines are treated like VIP’s at this Spanish farm with the help of accessories such as waterbeds, electronic brushes and sprinklers that have turned the complex into a five-star hotel for pampered cows. However, the biggest influence on milk quality, according to the farm owners, is the use of music. It is not any old music though, but that of the composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The placid harmonies of the Austrian composer’s concerto for flute and harp in D major is played continually at milking time. The music soothes the nerves of the Friesians.
  • Our company sucks but our rival sucks more Our company sucks,in the core, Our programs are such a bore But there is good news at the door Our rival company sucks more. (”NEW YORK – Sirius Satellite Radio Inc. (SIRI) CEO Mel Karmazin sought to allay shareholder concerns at the company’s annual meeting Thursday, saying he was just as disappointed as other investors in Sirius’ lagging stock price. Compared to rival XM (XMSR), however, he said: “We suck less.”
  • Personal freshness is a matter of confidence His pants have been worn for 2 years , Pretty pants we heartily agree Are you confident about your personal freshness , We ask hesitatingly. (”Darwin man wears same trousers for 2.5 years The fashion police have been called in on a Darwin accountant who admits he has worn the same pair of trousers every work day for more than two years. “Wayne” will not reveal his surname but is proud of wearing the same pants Monday to Friday, only washing them on the weekend.The father of one says he sometimes gets another wear out of them on Saturday”I wear them all week, don’t wash,” he said. “I do wash them at the end of the week and I sometimes wear them out on a Saturday night when I go to live theatre or wherever it may be. “But nearly two-and-a-half years I’ve been wearing the same set of trousers.” Business etiquette specialist Patsy Rowe has told the ABC’s Barry Nichols that Wayne’s case is deeply troubling. “I’m just a little concerned,” she said. “This is a personal matter Barry, and I wouldn’t discuss it normally, about odour. One doesn’t like to bring this up but is Wayne confident about his personal freshness?” http://strange.blosker.com/link/darwin-man-wears-same-trousers-for-2.5-years-11983
  • Porno reading is permitted for rape convicts In prison you cannot read porno And the law is very strict, Unless you have at least one Rape conviction to your credit. “STOCKHOLM, Sweden –Convicted sex offenders in Sweden are free to read pornography in their cells following a court ruling that has angered the prison service. The Supreme Administrative Court in Stockholm last week ruled that the Swedish Prison and Probation Service had no right to deny a rape convict access to his porn magazines.”
  • The cops are without pants The Baltimore police are in a crisis With their stakes very high Without a pair of pants how can they Look the thieves in the eye ? “BALTIMORE –Baltimore police are looking for a few good pairs of pants. The police department has run out of two popular sizes of the custom-made navy blue uniform pants it provides to every officer, a department spokesman said Wednesday.” http://www.boston.com/news/odd
  • Buy two kilos of cabbage and you get a pack of condoms free If you buy two kilos of cabbages You get a nice pack of condoms free We are now stocking up on cabbages For the ensuing monsoon with glee. (NEW DELHI (Reuters) - India, struggling to promote greater condom use among its population, is looking to hire its own “condom man” to follow the example of a former Thai cabinet minister who successfully pushed for safer sex, the Times of India reported. National AIDS Control Organization (NACO) chief Sujatha Rao said that India needed to find someone like Mechai Viravaidya, famous for getting Thais to talk about sex, condoms and AIDS.Viravaidya became famous in Thailand as the “Condom King” for actions such as taking condoms to World Bank talks as well as for the name of his Bangkok restaurant “Cabbages and Condoms,” where condoms are a major part of the decor.)
  • Women shake their fingers at their manhood Giggling women shake their fingers At speeding drivers The aspersions they cast on their manhood Causes shivers. “A new Australian ad campaign is seeking to reduce road deaths by questioning the manhood of speeding drivers. The series of TV ads shows women shaking their little finger - a gesture used to symbolise a small penis - as speeding male motorists race past.”
  • Plunging necklines are not spiritually uplifting They attend the mass every Sunday Deep in their souls they ardently pray Alas, plunging necklines have their sway Over bodies making them an easy prey. (“The Catholic Church has issued guidelines on what Filipinos should wear to mass in Manila after some parishioners complained about distracting skimpy attire. “This is to remind people that it would be good to come in appropriate clothing because other people are scandalized,” said Peachy Yamsuan of the archdiocese of Manila on Monday. “It is for the other worshippers who are distracted. You come to the church to pray and if your eyes wander and you see inappropriate clothes, well, it does not add to your spiritual goals.”)
  • The women are self-sufficient and men should focus on their core competencies The American women should be admired For their self-sufficiency They would prefer their men to leave them To their own proficiency And focus on doing dishes and vacuum cleaning As their core competency. “There was a new study out that said a majority of women do not have an orgasm from intercourse but rather from foreplay, specially oral sex. A little over half of the women questioned said they only have an orgasm during intercourse about 35 percent of the time as opposed to having an orgasm about 70 percent of the time when their partner does oral sex to them. Even more interesting, women also said that they not only achieve an orgasm more often than not when they are masturbating with a toy but the orgasm is usually more intense and they generally have multiple orgasms when they are alone.”
  • We are sure the police are adequately trained in changing diapers They will jail a thumb-sucking toddler For firing on the police We admire them for their sagacity Without malice We hope they can change diapers Every five minutes thrice. (“Srinagar: Police in Kashmir usually accustomed to fighting separatist militants have a new target in their sights — teenagers canoodling in parks, restaurants and at Internet cafes.The crackdown aims to curb “immoral activities,” a senior police officer said on Friday, adding that dozens of places had been raided across Srinagar.”)
  • Their moral conscience is outraged The cops here are decent guys with liberal views But they cant bear the youth with morals loose When it comes to really touching in public places Even if transactions are avoided in private places. (”Srinagar: Police in Kashmir usually accustomed to fighting separatist militants have a new target in their sights — teenagers canoodling in parks, restaurants and at Internet cafes. The crackdown aims to curb “immoral activities,” a senior police officer said on Friday, adding that dozens of places had been raided across Srinagar.”)
  • We now call her Joan of Arc In our party we love intensely our madam And worship her as Durga at kadam kadam We are sorry she does not like it ek dum We now call her Joan of Arc ,that is a lark. She will now bless us profusely,please mark. NEW DELHI: It could have been a sycophantic partyman pulling off the old trick to curry favour with the leadership. But the man responsible for the projection of Sonia Gandhi as goddess Durga in a poster in Moradabad had no idea that the Congress president would hardly react with divine beneficience. With TV cameras repeatedly zooming on the poster at the Moradabad district Congress office, Sonia called for immediate action. Moradabad district party unit chief Ajay S Soni was suspended. (Kadam kadam means at every step. Ek dum means absolutely or suddenly)
  • Naughty ladies make innocent gentlemen blush Innocent gentlemen politely admire female faces Turning their gaze away from the interesting areas Naughty ladies focus on men’s other areas directly Making them blush severely in their under-pants. (ATLANTA - Contrary to popular opinion, men are more likely to look at a female’s face before other areas when looking at pictures of naked women, according to a study by Emory University researchers. And women will gaze at pictures of heterosexual sex longer than men, the study found. Both findings, published in the journal Hormones and Behavior, shed light on sexual attitudes that really aren’t all that mysterious when considered in a scientific light, Emory psychologist Kim Wallen said.”)
  • There was a cleavage on display on Wednesday afternoon There was a cleavage on display On Wednesday afternoon So pronounced was the cleavage In the candidates’ opinion. “In Washington, where professional women’s style statements are pointedly conservative, Hillary Clinton’s cleavage has suddenly burst into one of the hottest topics of the Democratic presidential race. The normally very conservative dresser’s slightly low neckline during a July 18 campaign debate on education mostly went unremarked at first, until Washington Post fashion writer Robin Givhan took notice and branded it a “small acknowledgment of sexuality and femininity.”
  • Auntie Linettie makes the finest panty in Ypsilantie Auntie Linettie in Ypsilanti makes The prettiest panty, the Ypsipanty Our beauteous auntie wears The finest panty , the Ypsipanty. PSILANTI, Mich. (AP) — Around here, history lives on with people’s underwear. Two artists are selling hot pink underwear screen-printed with the word “Ypsipanty” as part of an effort to keep alive the city’s historical place in the underwear business. Linette Lao and Mark Maynard have sold nearly 200 pair of Ypsipanties
  • Your cleavage is my heavy haulage Get off my bus, busty lady , But what is the big bus fuss ? Your bust makes my butt miss And heavily I miss the bus. “A 20-year-old woman was told to get off a bus in southern Germany by the driver because she was too sexy. The woman, named only as Deborah, told a German national newspaper: “Suddenly he stopped the bus. He opened the door and shouted at me ‘Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can’t concentrate on the traffic. If you don’t sit somewhere else, I’m going to have to throw you off the bus “
  • Grass cutting in bikinis improves quality by at least 40% The bikini-clad ladies make A fine job of mowing grass The mowing improves by 40% When it is done in bikinis A recent study confirms Grass cut in dress lacks body Cutting in bikinis spells Significant upgrade in quality. “The women of Tiger Time Lawn Care offer to mow customers’ lawns dressed in bikini service that attracts more attention to the ladies than the lawns.Beckman said the extra attention was expected, but she looks on the bright side.“You get the attention but you also get a tan, which I need,” she said. Owner Lee Cathey said the bikini service would make mowing the lawn a lot more interesting, although the fee is slightly higher.
  • Naked people do not impress her much This old man in the buff tried To get her to look down there But naked people do not impress her After all that wear and tear. “On July 6, a 68-year-old man showed up naked downtown, walking the streets during Gallery Walk, a monthly social event in which people roam downtown, stopping in art galleries and shops. Gallery owner Suzanne Corsano was locking up for the night when she encountered him on a sidewalk. “Naked people don’t impress me,” said Corsano, 60. “But to be walking down the street like that. I just looked straight at him, and he looked down. He was trying to get me to look down there, but I wouldn’t.””
  • Spreading pissiculture We are flushed with pride At these marvelous musical loos This way we spread toilet culture far And drive away our blues. (“BEIJING - They’re flush with pride in a southwestern Chinese city where a recently-opened porcelain palace features an Egyptian facade, soothing music and more than 1,000 toilets spread out over 32,290 square feet.Officials in Chongqing are preparing to submit an application to Guinness World Records to have the free four-story public bathroom listed as the world’s largest, the state-run China Central Television reported Friday.)
  • Nearly half of the Shanghai girls had sex with boys they had met, online 46% girls had sex with boys They had just met online We can’t understand how One becomes pregnant online Thank goodness ,the balance Had sex entirely offline. Shanghai: Nearly half of pregnant teens in China’s financial centre Shanghai met their partners on the Internet, according to a newspaper report that also spotlighted widespread ignorance about sexual health.Fully 46 per cent of the more than 20,000 girls who called the city’s pregnancy hot line during the past two years said they had sex with boys they met online, the China Daily said, citing Dr. Zhang Zhengrong of Shanghai’s No. 411 Hospital.”
  • In such provocative situations one cannot concentrate on our Lord and Master With naked bodies staring down From the billboard It is rather difficult to meditate On our master and Lord. NEW YORK - A bidet company’s advertising plans in Times Square are too cheeky for the pastor of a nearby church.Rev. Neil Rhodes, pastor of the interdenominational Times Square Church, is asking a state court to block a billboard company from posting huge ads that feature naked buttocks with smiley faces on them. The display is to go up on two sides of the Broadway building that houses Rhodes’ church, its Bible school and day-care center. “You walk into a church building, you have naked bodies before your eyes, how are you going to close your eyes and seek God?” Rhodes told the New York Post in an article published Sunday.
  • Bush takes his sweeping job seriously Bush had proposed sweeping Immigration changes We are not clear as to why He had to sweep all of them. “President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery.” – Jay Len
  • If you have name with an “i”and smilie without reasoni you can be a beauty queen y If you are really randy With the looks of a candy You then are eye-Candy With a name like Candi And certainly not a disciple Of Mahatma Gandhi. “Have you thought about the field of competitive beauty pageantry? We have some photos from a “school” in Bolivia that prepares young women for a long and rewarding career of tiara-wearing. If you can smile for no reason whatsoever, and your name ends in an “i” even though it probably shouldn’t - Bambi, Brandi, Randi, Candi, etc. - you may have royal potential. Think about it.” http://blogs.reuters.com/category/themes/oddly-enough
  • Women seem undecided where to look The last survey stated women Looked at men’s crotches The latest reveals that they Actually look at men’s eyes We request them to make up Their minds once and for all Where they actually look , Whether on the eyes or crotches. According to a survey by internet firm Buy Specs4Less.co.uk , while men’s obsession with women’s busts makes their eyes inadvertently turn towards them before roving to their behind and legs, women are more drawn towards a man’s eyes.