I threw my iPhone into my pool, it had a waterproof case on but it was not secured and it broke basically. My mum recently got a new iPhone and is refusing to give me her old one and says that I will be fine with a £2.99 Alcatel pay as you go phone. This is my attempt to persuade her otherwise- don't take it too seriously because it is evidently mostly sarcastic so enjoy.

1. IPHONE OFFER
MADE BY ANNABEL HAYES

2. Firstly I would like to introduce some
key reasons why you should kindly
give me your iPhone and make you
aware of the dangerous consequences
alcatels can result in.

3. 1) RISK OF
ARTHRITIS 2) POST-IPHONE
DEPRESSION
3) RISK OF
ABDUCTION
4) SPOTIFY
5) HEALTH
RELATED
ALCATEL
SYMPTOMS
6) SUCESSFUL
PARENTING

4. Arthritis risk is increased by mobile
phones
 Although iPhones are no exception to this, the risk is
significantly lower.
 This is due to the touch screen and simply having to tap a
screen, rather than completely push down a button.
 Alcatels have many letters per key, which means you also
may require additional pushes and press the buttons down
up to 3x more per day.
 Which results in Arthritis developing 3x earlier
 I could therefore be an Arthritis sufferer by the age of 25

5. Arthritis consequences
 Loss of movement in joints
 Cannot write or work
 Cannot pay for a house
 Will end up living on the streets (in cardboard box if lucky)
 Cannot busk as fingers do not move
 Cannot hold paper cup to beg for money
 Cannot afford food
 Death

6. Here are some pictures to re
illiterate the extreme dangers:

7. Post-iPhone Depression
 This is a very serious illness caused due to sudden
iPhone loss and can be similar to class A drug withdrawal
(‘cold turkey’) symptoms
 A key feature of an iPhone is the QWERTY keyboard,
however most phones made in the 1600’s (such as the
spare alcatel you suggest I use instead) use an ABC
keyboard
 These also use morally wrong methods to control the
keyboard and ‘enhance’ your typing experience, such as
predictive text, which poses a number of serious
problems and risks

8. Post-iPhone Depression
 With iPhone, as you are given a complete keyboard, the
chance of making a mistake is rare.
 If this rare event occurs, an effective correction system
is active to ensure your message is perfectly structured
and spelt before sending.
 However predictive text on phones that are not as
accurate can result in tragic consequences – such as
entering wrong addresses, times or names. Which could
compromise my safety and make you unaware of my
whereabouts.

9.  iPhones also have a unique operating system which takes a long time to come
to terms with.
 As an iPhone user yourself (currently an owner of 2 whilst I am in possession of
0) I am sure you will agree that you would find it difficult if not IMPOSSIBLE to
return to another phone.
 The secure lock screen system also prevents pedophiles and serial killers
obtaining life-threatening information such as your house address or even your
alarm code.
 This should also worry you as we live in the same house and your life
expectancy should mean you last another 33 years yet- could be reduced to a
number of days with an Alcatel present.
Post-iPhone Depression

10. Risk of abduction
 With no phone, if I were to encounter a kidnapper, I
would not be able to ring anyone when I saw him and
you would also not be able to track my location without
the presence of a mobile phone.
 With an Alcatel, the typing speed is also extremely slow
due to the numerous taps required to enter a simple
message and the buttons being incredibly stiff to push
down.
 The lack of speed dial function also means I could not
make a fast call and unlike iPhone, there is no
emergency call option.

11. Spotify
 Although Alcatels are well equipped with a torch and radio
(which requires a head set that must be purchased in addition to
the phone) you are unable to use any kind of music apps such as
spotify.
 This means I have to listen online on my iPad and compromise
the music needs of Jessie and Dad.
 It also needs a hotspot to connect which compromises your data
allowance, Jessie’s and Dad’s.
 Studies show that carrying an iPad around instead of a phone
increases the chances of being mugged or attacked by chavs by
approximately 200%.
 That is four people suffering alcatel related consequences, and
my life and face at risk.

12. Health Related Issues
 Arthritis
 Anger and Frustration caused by slow processing- you have to
pay more for anger management and therapy classes
 Lack of self esteem and confidence walking around holding a
£2.99 phone
 Reduction of street cred
 Grief
 Nausea
 Increased blood pressure due to extra effort from typing- more
oxygen needs to be pumped to muscle cells so they can respire
more, produce more energy and contract more often

13. Health Related Issues: Heart failure
 Muscles in hand do not receive enough oxygen due to
higher intensity physical activity from pressing buttons
down
 Forced to respire anaerobically using glucose instead of
oxygen
 This produces lactic acid
 Lactic acid is toxic
 Death of cells
 Death

14. Successful Parenting
The criteria for being a successful parent varies based on
personal opinion, however there are 3 main guidelines a
parent should stick to, to ensure a happy relationship with
their children and their children's well-being
1. Be sharing
2. Be kind
3. Be willing to donate iPhone’s to children in life
threatening circumstances

15. OVERALL
 I hope you will realise that keeping any phone other than an iPhone
holds no benefits whatsoever to any of our lives and can pose many
life-threatening consequences.
 I am fully aware I threw my old iPhone into our pool however I blame
my iPhone’s despondent state solely on the expensive ‘waterproof’
case which failed to work despite being tested and working many
times in the past.
 I also blame Dad for buying the underwater lights and snorkels which
made the prospect of filming Millie and I underwater exciting.
 And lastly Apple for not yet creating a waterproof iPhone.
 I would also finally like to remind you I have had the phone for over
2 years, the same time you and dad have ploughed through 3 brand
new iPhones each- one being stolen, and another dropped down the
toilet.