iPhone plea
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iPhone plea

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I threw my iPhone into my pool, it had a waterproof case on but it was not secured and it broke basically. ...

I threw my iPhone into my pool, it had a waterproof case on but it was not secured and it broke basically.
My mum recently got a new iPhone and is refusing to give me her old one and says that I will be fine with a £2.99 Alcatel pay as you go phone.
This is my attempt to persuade her otherwise- don't take it too seriously because it is evidently mostly sarcastic so enjoy.

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  • 1. IPHONE OFFERMADE BY ANNABEL HAYES
  • 2. Firstly I would like to introduce somekey reasons why you should kindlygive me your iPhone and make youaware of the dangerous consequencesalcatels can result in.
  • 3. 1) RISK OFARTHRITIS 2) POST-IPHONEDEPRESSION3) RISK OFABDUCTION4) SPOTIFY5) HEALTHRELATEDALCATELSYMPTOMS6) SUCESSFULPARENTING
  • 4. Arthritis risk is increased by mobilephones Although iPhones are no exception to this, the risk issignificantly lower. This is due to the touch screen and simply having to tap ascreen, rather than completely push down a button. Alcatels have many letters per key, which means you alsomay require additional pushes and press the buttons downup to 3x more per day. Which results in Arthritis developing 3x earlier I could therefore be an Arthritis sufferer by the age of 25
  • 5. Arthritis consequences Loss of movement in joints Cannot write or work Cannot pay for a house Will end up living on the streets (in cardboard box if lucky) Cannot busk as fingers do not move Cannot hold paper cup to beg for money Cannot afford food Death
  • 6. Here are some pictures to reilliterate the extreme dangers:
  • 7. Post-iPhone Depression This is a very serious illness caused due to suddeniPhone loss and can be similar to class A drug withdrawal(‘cold turkey’) symptoms A key feature of an iPhone is the QWERTY keyboard,however most phones made in the 1600’s (such as thespare alcatel you suggest I use instead) use an ABCkeyboard These also use morally wrong methods to control thekeyboard and ‘enhance’ your typing experience, such aspredictive text, which poses a number of seriousproblems and risks
  • 8. Post-iPhone Depression With iPhone, as you are given a complete keyboard, thechance of making a mistake is rare. If this rare event occurs, an effective correction systemis active to ensure your message is perfectly structuredand spelt before sending. However predictive text on phones that are not asaccurate can result in tragic consequences – such asentering wrong addresses, times or names. Which couldcompromise my safety and make you unaware of mywhereabouts.
  • 9.  iPhones also have a unique operating system which takes a long time to cometo terms with. As an iPhone user yourself (currently an owner of 2 whilst I am in possession of0) I am sure you will agree that you would find it difficult if not IMPOSSIBLE toreturn to another phone. The secure lock screen system also prevents pedophiles and serial killersobtaining life-threatening information such as your house address or even youralarm code. This should also worry you as we live in the same house and your lifeexpectancy should mean you last another 33 years yet- could be reduced to anumber of days with an Alcatel present.Post-iPhone Depression
  • 10. Risk of abduction With no phone, if I were to encounter a kidnapper, Iwould not be able to ring anyone when I saw him andyou would also not be able to track my location withoutthe presence of a mobile phone. With an Alcatel, the typing speed is also extremely slowdue to the numerous taps required to enter a simplemessage and the buttons being incredibly stiff to pushdown. The lack of speed dial function also means I could notmake a fast call and unlike iPhone, there is noemergency call option.
  • 11. Spotify Although Alcatels are well equipped with a torch and radio(which requires a head set that must be purchased in addition tothe phone) you are unable to use any kind of music apps such asspotify. This means I have to listen online on my iPad and compromisethe music needs of Jessie and Dad. It also needs a hotspot to connect which compromises your dataallowance, Jessie’s and Dad’s. Studies show that carrying an iPad around instead of a phoneincreases the chances of being mugged or attacked by chavs byapproximately 200%. That is four people suffering alcatel related consequences, andmy life and face at risk.
  • 12. Health Related Issues Arthritis Anger and Frustration caused by slow processing- you have topay more for anger management and therapy classes Lack of self esteem and confidence walking around holding a£2.99 phone Reduction of street cred Grief Nausea Increased blood pressure due to extra effort from typing- moreoxygen needs to be pumped to muscle cells so they can respiremore, produce more energy and contract more often
  • 13. Health Related Issues: Heart failure Muscles in hand do not receive enough oxygen due tohigher intensity physical activity from pressing buttonsdown Forced to respire anaerobically using glucose instead ofoxygen This produces lactic acid Lactic acid is toxic Death of cells Death
  • 14. Successful ParentingThe criteria for being a successful parent varies based onpersonal opinion, however there are 3 main guidelines aparent should stick to, to ensure a happy relationship withtheir children and their childrens well-being1. Be sharing2. Be kind3. Be willing to donate iPhone’s to children in lifethreatening circumstances
  • 15. OVERALL I hope you will realise that keeping any phone other than an iPhoneholds no benefits whatsoever to any of our lives and can pose manylife-threatening consequences. I am fully aware I threw my old iPhone into our pool however I blamemy iPhone’s despondent state solely on the expensive ‘waterproof’case which failed to work despite being tested and working manytimes in the past. I also blame Dad for buying the underwater lights and snorkels whichmade the prospect of filming Millie and I underwater exciting. And lastly Apple for not yet creating a waterproof iPhone. I would also finally like to remind you I have had the phone for over2 years, the same time you and dad have ploughed through 3 brandnew iPhones each- one being stolen, and another dropped down thetoilet.