Parent … learned to act and feel much as those that raised us.
Parent Prejudiced Parent … follows rules, accepts slogans, holds opinions without thinking first of facts. Nurturing Parent … Supportive and protective toward others, offers help and guidance.
Clues to Someone in Their Parent
… a frown or stern look. … tone of voice. … pointing of the index finger. … arms folded as to say “what are you doing?” … uses phrases like; “you should,” “you ought to,” “that is right!” … words such as; sympathizing, punishing. moralizing, judging, giving orders, criticizing.
Physical - angry or impatient body-language and expressions, finger-pointing, patronising gestures,
Verbal - always, never, for once and for all, judgmental words, critical words, patronising language, posturing language.
N.B. beware of cultural differences in body-language or emphases that appear 'Parental'.
Child … what we were when we were young.
Child Free Child … Open to life, spontaneous, filled with the sense of wonder and delight, self centered, aggressive, rebellious, does not consider the consequences of feeling or actions. Adapted Child … Polite, sociable, recognizes the rights of others,adapts behavior to suit them, can resent the rights/demands of others, complies grudgingly, feels unsure about themselves, procrastinates .
Natural/ Free Child - Spontaneous (positive) and Immature (negative).
Adapted Child - Co-operative (positive) and Compliant/Resistant (negative).
Clues to Someone in Their Child
… smiling, laughing, having fun. … tone of voice. … crying, having tantrums, getting into trouble. … childlike facial expressions. … uses words/phrases like; “Wow!,” “Gosh!,” “I wish,” “I feel.”
Physical - emotionally sad expressions, despair, temper tantrums, whining voice, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders, teasing, delight, laughter, speaking behind hand, raising hand to speak, squirming and giggling.
Verbal - baby talk, I wish, I dunno, I want, I'm gonna, I don't care, oh no, not again, things never go right for me, worst day of my life, bigger, biggest, best, many superlatives, words to impress.
Adult … looks at the facts and reasons out the answer - the computer ins us.
Adult … figures things out logically. … Has no emotions – able to detach from feelings. … takes responsibility for thoughts, feeling and actions. … solves problems and makes decisions.
Clues to Someone in Their Adult
… straight forward facial expression. … active listener, eyes blink every 3 to 5 seconds showing attention. … speaks of probabilities. … uses phrases like; “In my opinion,” “Based on what I have observed,” “So far the facts seem to indicate.”
Physical - attentive, interested, straight-forward, tilted head, non-threatening and non-threatened.
Verbal - why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way, comparative expressions, reasoned statements, true, false, probably, possibly, I think, I realise, I see, I believe, in my opinion.
And remember, when you are trying to identify ego states: words are only part of the story.
To analyse a transaction you need to see and feel what is being said as well.
Only 7% of meaning is in the words spoken.
38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said).
55% is in facial expression. (source: Albert Mehrabian)
When the Adult uses information which has its source in the Child or in the Parent and which may be incorrect.
Child to Child
Parent to parent
Child to Adult
Adult to Parent
Adult to Adult
The recognition that one person gives to another
Essential to a person's life
Can vary from actual physical touch to praise
MOST OF US SUFFER FROM STROKE HUNGER!
Positive Strokes- “I love you”, “ you did a good job”- Warm Fuzzies
Negative Strokes- “I hate you”- cold Pricklies.
When positive strokes are not given, we look for negative strokes rather than be without strokes at all!!
We should learn to ask for strokes.
It makes life easier.
There are five ways people can structure their time to get strokes:
RITUAL - A pre-set exchange of recognition strokes.
"Hi!“ “How are you?“ "Fine, thanks." “Well, see you around. Bye!"
This is a four-stroke ritual.
PASTIME - A pre-set conversation around a certain subject. Pastimes are most evident at cocktail parties and family get-together.
GAMES - Repetitive, devious series of transactions intended to get strokes. Unfortunately, the strokes obtained in games are mostly negative.A game is a failed method of getting strokes.
INTIMACY - A direct and powerful exchange of strokes which people crave but seldom attain. The Child is frightened away from it by hurtful experiences.
WORK - An activity which has a product as its result. Good work results in the exchange of strokes as a side effect.
Transactions occur when any person relates to any other person.
The three types of transactions: COMPLEMENTARY,CROSSED & COVERT.
Every transaction is made up of a stimulus and response.
between Adult and Adult
Parent to Child
Parent to Parent
Communication can continue between ego states as long as trans-actions are parallel.
Whenever a disruption of communication occurs, a crossed transaction caused it.
Parallel communication arrows, communication continues.
#1 What time do you have?
#2 I’ve got 11:15
#1 You’re late again!
#2 I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.
The transactional response is addressed to an ego state different from the one which started the stimulus
They disrupt communication.
DISCOUNT - One very important kind of crossed transaction
Here one person completely disregards what the other one is saying.
Discounts are not always obvious but are always unpleasant
Crossed communication arrows, communication breakdown.
#1 What time do you have?
#2 There’s a clock on the wall, why don’t you figure it out yourself?
#1 You’re late again!
#2 Yeah, I know, I had a flat tire.
A covert transaction is when people say one thing and mean another.
Are the basis of games and are especially interesting because they are crooked.
They have a social (overt) and a psychological (covert) level.
Interactions, responses, actions which are different from those explicitly stated
Example #1: How about coming up to my room and listening to some music?
Implications of TA
Develop an adaptive selling strategy for ‘parent’, ‘adult’, ‘child’ customers.
‘ Best’ communication exchange for selling? Remember to respond in ‘complementary’ manner.
Most effective selling involves adult to adult Strokes, or positive interactions, important Verbal (e.g. hello, compliment) Touch (handshake, pat on back).
A gift Listening
Being ‘Response Able’
Recognize you cannot control another’s behavior, but you can affect their behavior by the way you respond to them.
Remember you control your own behavior and thoughts. Keep things in perspective.
Don’t sweat small stuff. Give it test of time. Ask if it’s happened before.
Distinguish what can be changed from what can’t.
Have realistic expectations Life is not fair or perfect Bad (good) things happen, usually don’t last forever.
Things don’t always go according to plan.
People don’t always act as you’d like (remember ego state explanations, people have ‘bad’ days, etc.)
Dealing with Difficult People
Keep ‘adult’ ego state in control of yourself.
Don’t get defensive, argumentative, emotional.
Don’t take it personally.
Move cautiously, stay cool, remember complementary transactions and strokes.
Do not need to take continued abuse. If handled well (e.g. didn’t embarrass customer, allowed them to take something out on you), can turn out to be positive later.