Osho rajneesh tears_of_the_mystic_rose
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Osho rajneesh tears_of_the_mystic_rose

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(A venir)

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Osho rajneesh tears_of_the_mystic_rose Osho rajneesh tears_of_the_mystic_rose Document Transcript

  • OSHO Never Born Never Died Only Visited this Planet Earth betweenDec 11 1931 - Jan 19 1990TEARS OF THEMYSTIC ROSErajneesh reveals osho
  • once upon a moon a vast panoramic view stretches before my eyes the majestic grandeur of the snow peaked ranges of kanchenjunga each time i look at this vast expanse i stare into a horizon of sheer beauty in front of me i have visions of the great life ahead the dreams i can fulfil…i am filled with a dreamlike mystical wonder my eyes are open…i am a dreamer…just waiting to come into this worldi have drawn all my lifes inspirations from these mountain rangesthe rising sun creating golden skiesthe setting sundisplaying red and purple shadows onto the mountain peaksthe himalayas are to be my childhood for the next ten yearswhat a paradise for my educationaway from home in st pauls school darjeelingmy father a famous industrialist from a hugely successful business familymy mother a movie star having just released her first bollywood moviewhich launched her into stardom and instant fame all over indiaoh what a glory…what a birth…i have such good fortuneto have the prefect childhood…the perfect lifei am truly a blessed child
  • as a child i intensely disliked my father and his arrogancethe false authority he wielded…his only interest was in money and powerand control over others…these qualities always made me revolt againsthim and reject his advances towards mei disliked his insistence that i become like himto make friends with other children in school only after he had examinedtheir parents status in society…i found him to be extremely vulgar in thesematters and always wanted to distance myself from himi loved my mother and was attracted to her fragile and innocent qualitiesshe was beautiful and humble and always considerate towards others andto human sensitivities…even being a superstar did not distract her from herdaily simple routines of going to the kitchen and preparing meals for us orfor guests…always insisting on serving us herself…she was radiant and fullof compassion towards all those who met her and never ever consideredmoney to have any special or real value in her relationships with peoplei loved and admired these simple qualities she lived by…and she becamemy idol and what i would wish to emulate once i grew upmy father only wanted me to become the greatest industrialist andalthough my mother secretly wanted me to become a movie star like hershe only wished me happiness and always told me to live my own dreamalways whispering to me never become a businessman like my fathermy parents gave me the name rajnishraj means king and nish means nightwhich means king of the nightor lord of the full moonmy father was shivraj and my mother vimlesh also known as vimimy father took letters from both their names to make my namei was born 20 january 1961 at .05 ami have a sister shona who was born 19 january 196 at 4.0 pmmy parents were planning that we both have the same birthdaythe doctors got it wrong…had my sister been born just 8 hours later thenwe both would have the same birth datethis created a huge problem for both of us always fighting on which datewe would celebrate our birthdays…and as so many relatives could notcome two days in a row…two cakes…they decided that we both celebrateour birthdays together with one large cake cut from opposite sideson 19 january of each year 
  • i was born prematurely at seven and a half months and in some difficultiesi was put into an incubator as i was under 6 lbs in weightall my life i have had a very thin and fragile body…pale facedwhich made my parents show me to doctors frequentlydue to my weightless fragile physical conditionand as would soon begin to happenmany paranormal incidents start surfacing during my childhood yearsi recollect some such experiences duringathletics…marathons…gymnastics…kung fui loved running and training my body…the experiences of heightenedalertness gave me a rush and i loved physical activitiesmy school doctor was warned by my parents of my physical weaknesswhich surprised him…but he kept a close watch over meand noticed that i was fainting into whiteouts and relapsed intoepileptic like convulsions during extreme sportsone such sprinting event…one hundred metres…i came first…gasping forbreath to finish…i ran and collapsed into a fit like convulsion on the grassthe doctor was watching the finish of the sprints…and came and saw mewhite and collapsed…and wanted to bar me from sprintingi managed to convince him that i was only out of breath and this was notdangerous…that i had to continue as i was running for the school teamhe was reluctant but kept quitei am fourteen years of ageit is marathon season…running three miles in darjeelingi am trying harder and harder at these practise runsi must come first as my mother is coming to this years prize ceremonyalways the same route…this point is two miles into the runfinal mile left…the worst point of the marathona 60 degrees steep uphill road…almost two hundred metres longwe hate this part the most…at the most tiring stretch of the runi decide that i must run with all my strength up to this pointand from here…downhill the last mile…it is easy 4
  • i always have seen the tibetan gompa on top of this hillstopping here every time to get a break and rest a minute or soi have put all my best efforts…and am timing my run todaytotally exhausted i reach the bottom of the hillno rest…must rush uphill and then restmy legs today are really heavy and am suffering cramps running uphill i reach the top cramps have set in and am dead tired today i fall down i hear the gompa bells ringing and feel a strong energy pulling me towards the sound i try to lift my body but cannot it is heavy like a rock what has happened today i suddenly feel a huge ball of light flying out of my body towards the gompa i can see the gompa clearly lying there on the ground its golden pagoda shining with such tremendous light the whole surrounding is on fire and dancing in a brilliant blue and glowing softly tibetan lamas walking and sitting around the gompa i cannot believe it am i standing or on the ground unconscious how can i see through such a distance i remain totally confused in this strange and intoxicated state 5
  • i can see others running by me…i can see others in the near distancei must continue my marathon runand as if by magic i stand up like a featheram so fresh and exploding with life as if i have just started my runi feel my legs flying off the groundthey are not even touching the earthhow is this happeningi can almost sprint the last mile…i feel like a supermanjust laughing my last mile as if i have found some new unknown secreti finish the three mile marathon…and want to run another three milesthe marathon run was just too shorti start running up towards the school…another mile and a halfmy friends are shocked…they all think that i have cheatedtaken a shortcut or taken a car ride in the middlei do not want to talk about this to my friends or the doctoralready the doctor has stopped me from runningi remember a very close school friend of mine mazumdarwho was a mathematical geniushe was so close to me i could confide in him about my unusual experienceshe always heard me and somehow i felt he understoodone morning he ran away…the whole school went on red alert looking for himnowhere to be found the police were sent to searchit took a few days till they discovered that he had run away to a tibetanmonastery and actually asked to become a monkthey finally brought him back to school and his parents were calleddue to his absolute resolution they allowed him to become a monkthis incident haunted me for the next few years and i admiredhim immensely and wished that i had such courage to become a monk
  • mountain trekking camping to tongaloofor the duke of edinburghs award schemeam walking to tongaloothe last four hours through thick dense forestit had been raining and now beginning to get mistyi have lost track of our school camping group which has gone far aheadtired i sit down on moss covered rockssuddenly i realise that i am all alone and lost in this deep forest the air is getting more and more silent and i begin to hear it buzzing louder and louder like thousands of bees descending into my ears scared i want to run but am frozen still is it fear or has my body just become too heavy to move the whole forest is buzzing and becoming alive the trees are becoming greener and brighter they seem to be alive and flowing towards me like water i can almost feel them touching me from a distance pulling me towards them the buzzing in my ears has become unbearable almost bursting my eardrums then suddenly a silence descends and out of nowhere a huge dark space floats over me like a cloud dark and darker and soft like velvet it envelopes me completely 
  • i fall into a dark unconscious space i want to move and struggle but am completely paralysed and have no will over my limbs or body it has become heavy like lead and i fall unconscioushours later i wake upi do not know how much time has passed…it is getting darkthe buzz in the forest has become louder but gentlerand my mouth sweeteri am intoxicated with the soundi stand up…weightlessly…i seem to be floating in the airsomething has picked me up…and i walk as if on wingscompletely floating and lighton my three month winter holiday to bombaymy parents continue to worry about the frail condition of my bodyand my strong aversion to food…i hate to eat during the dayand have a habit to eat once a day only…in the eveningin the morning i always drink twenty cups or a large jug of watery teavery light with no milk…it was accepted as i grew up in darjeelingand tea was our favourite beverage…i never ate breakfast nor eat lunchand my father always bribed me with 10 rupees for every chapatti i ate 8
  • i had this odd habit of always eating in a bowl…and if served on a platei angrily threw or broke it…and having eaten one bowl of food i adamantlyrefused to eat more…i was very stubborn and this was the only way theycould have me eat even if only once a dayalthough i never became sick my health was a constant worry for my parentsonly suffering from strange experiences which they blamed on my eating littlei clearly remember spending one sunday at the beachmaking sand castles and breaking them to build bigger onesenjoying the chat stalls and the horse ridesit is becoming sunsetmy body feels tired and i want to go home to sleepbut our friends insist that we stay till it gets darki am tired and lie on the sandcan feel the sun setting…the air changingin my belly a strange heavy vibration from the setting sunthe sound of the ocean waves all day starts to drown into mei want to go home…and again some strange fear grips mei feel that i am drowning into the ocean…into the wavesi cannot swim…i start to cry and they finally decide we can go homehome in my room tired and sleepyit is dark…but the sound of the waves is filling my earsbecoming deeper and deeperand the fear of drowning keeps me awake suddenly the room seems to become even darker and i cannot see anything i feel the darkness swallow me up and i can feel that i am falling falling falling falling endlessly falling and i need to hold onto something quickly i am sweating with fear and unable to do anything the falling just continues i have to get used to this condition 9
  • i just need to watch the blue light that i can see at the end of the tube atleast i can look at it and hold onto that so much panic but totally helpless all i can do is to allow whatsoever it is to finish or to allow me to become unconscious and fall asleepsuddenly all becomes totally silent but i am wide awake i have never felt such a soft and alive silence before it is comforting and the blue light is becoming bigger and brighter i look up to the ceiling it is full of light silver blue dots millions of silver blue dancing dots fill the air the whole room is vibrating and the walls are moving i need to leave the roomit is suffocating me and i cannot breathe i get up and feel completely free light with wings floating gravity has left me completelyi run outside the housemy parents come out as they are woken by the sound of my runningi run towards the huge tree in my gardenit is pulling me like a force that i have never known beforeand i want to get close to iti feel a great peace and calmness descending onto meit must be 2 am…my parents want me back in my bedworried about snakes near the treesi resist and shout and fight with them…that i want to sleep under this treei will not go back inside the house tonightthey have the servant stay with me till 6 amand threaten to take me to the doctor the next day for injections 10
  • my childhood was spent with such frequent occurrencessomething inside told me that it was normalbut it put a strange fear into metalking about my experiences to my friendsi soon began to realise that perhaps there was something abnormal about meand i soon became reclusive and a lonertalking long walks alone in the playgroundhiding such subjects from others…remaining silent and aloneour secret kung fu clubthe attraction was immense…kung fu practise was forbiddenboys will be boys…exactly what we need to get into…kung fubruce lee fired our imagination…our secret gatherings in the locked gymi was doing gymnastics against the wishes of my fatheri could get hurt somersaulting over the high horsewalking on my hands on the parallel barswhirling on the roman rings…back handspring on floor exercisesdanger and risk was food for men…diving through fire ringsjust our kind of life…risk and laugh at dangerbut kung fu was banned…even more excitingour top secret club…brotherhood of risk takers was formedbeing the son of a movie star…i got special trainingand worked hard to prove my place in the groupi had to be the best as they were all watching meintense training was the result and it worked out perfectlyon one trip home to our steel factoryi secretly prepared a pair of stainless steel rodsof the lethal and banned nan chukwith steel chains…in leather stitched coversit was the hottest pair of nan chuksall my other friends with simple wooden sticksswish swish swish…practising like bruce lee…in furylose control and a smashing sound into my lower back skullknocked out dead coldam found in a sleep chanting tibetan mantras by a scared group of my friendswhat strange sounds and voices are you speaking in…this freaked them outafraid of my strange past life chanting…i was a tibetan lamafreaky 11
  • the ten years at st pauls darjeeling were like a fairytale for meexcelling in every activity i took part in…be it sports, marathons,gymnastics, athletics, chess, drama, arts, just about everythingalways winning awards and meritsalways in the limelight and leaving a trail of achievementsending up with the headmasters awardto become the next school captain in the year 19then suddenly in 1976 the year of my final exams this whole dreamcrashed for me…as film magazines and newspapers started to report theseparation between my mother and fatherand their application for divorcei was devastated as this was my final year and i was looking forward tocreating my new life back home with them for the first timei saw them only during winter holidays for three months each yearwith great difficulty i got special permission to leave the school and seemy parents just three weeks before my final icse examsi knew my mother was going through great difficulties living with mydictator like father…and i immediately let her know that i was on herside and that i understood her and gave her my total supportmy father blamed my mother for their separation and was furious with mefor supporting her always threatening that he would cut me off financiallyif i ever spoke in her favour with the rest of the familymy mother came from a very poor family of four children…her parentswere just simple school teachers…my maternal grandparents mataji andpitaji were absolutely honest and humble human beings…they were verygraceful and integrated and always spoke of living for higher values in life 12
  • my father came from an industrial business family with seven childreneach famous and wealthy in their own right within indiamy vocal and rebellious support for my mother brought me disreputeand separated me from my uncles, their children and my grandparentsthey had the power and wealth and did not like to hear me attacking myfathers reputation…blood is thicker than water they all saidit was unheard of that a child had the audacity and guts to speak againstelders in this orthodox industrial business familymy mothers parents remained silent and just accepted their inability to doanything against such powerful people…being poor they were unable tointervene saying that it would have been better to marry their daughtersinto poor families and to live a simple and happy lifei went back to school and in a depressed state and missing a few finalexam papers and without any studying half heartedly sat my final exams 1
  • streaks of firei came back home to huge fights with my father who was usually drunkmaking sexual advances with beautiful wannabe film actresses every nightone such night he was completely drunk with two such actresses one oneither side…at 2 am he shouted out to me to go with the driver and getthem food from a nearby restauranti was sleeping and already angry at his continuous drinkingand his sexual affairs with so many womeni answered him saying that i was not his servant and he should go himselfor send one of his women to get the food if they wantedhe shouted at me and started to slap me saying that i did not know howto behave with elders…at which i lifted my hands and slapped him sohard that he reeled back in shockthis was the first time i ever had the guts to actually slap my fatherhe told me to leave the house and he would beat me if he found me therei promised to leave the house that very instant
  • he told me that he would teach me a lesson and never give me a pennyand that i would beg him for money and soon come crawling backi said that i would die hungry on the streets but vowed never to come backnor to ever see him again in this lifetimei left my house in the early hours and have never returnedi was sixteen years old…just my jeans and t shirt on my backpenniless on the streets of bombay at 2 amno more to become a businessman…i hated that wordno more to become a movie star…i hated famenot wanting to become rich…i hated such peoplei just wanted to be free and wanderi had lived from the ages of six to sixteen in the mountainsvisiting my home for only three months holiday each year sheltered in a cosymansion in tinsel town…where the beautiful people lived partying every nighti was still living in the innocence of the himalayasstill a dreamer and rebellious with no actual clue to the harsh realitiesthat lay ahead of me…of the real world out theremy mother and father were battling it out in courti was prevented from seeing my mother during those daysi left bombay and went to delhi to see the only aunt that i lovedmrs rajeshwari paul whom i affectionately call soni auntyshe became my new mother and father and has looked after me since thenshe sent me to see my grandparents at jullundur in punjabthey tried hard to put some sense into me to see the realities of the worldand put me to work in the family steel and casting businessthis was short lived as i had really no interest in the life they led 15
  • one morning in november 19 i woke up to see the newspapers announcedthe untimely death of my mother and under mysterious circumstancesno one was with her at the hospital at the time of her deathand as my father and that side of the familywere prevented from seeing her due to a court orderher body was taken for cremation unfortunately with none of us presentsuch a tragic story…that a famous movie star was cremated with very fewpeople present for the last ritesher sudden and tragic death was obviously a great shock for mei remember i promised myself then that i would make something of my lifein her memory and remember her that wayi must understand where i was going in life and what i was doing and whyher death formed many new questions in my life and i started to questionthe very meaning of life and how one should livethe priorities and values of society and peoplespending nights and nights trying to solve these questions for myselfall alone with no one to speak to nor anyone as my guide
  • i have fought and rebelled against all in the family and made myselfisolated from their lives and their opinionsno one wants anything to do with me as i am too arrogant to listen toanyone or take any of their good advicei now have the freedom to live according to myself…i feel a heavy senseof responsibility to find some direction…i have no idea what to door where to search…i am lost but happy that i am freei love to sleep the whole day till 12 or 1 pm…wake up and spend an hoursipping tea…then just lazing about doing nothing…no work no dream ofdoing anything…just pure laziness and totally content this waya government nursery next to my house is where i spend all my timerequesting them if i could water their plants for a few hours each daythe gardeners become very friendly with me and are surprised that the sonof such a famous movie star is with them everyday like a gardeneri love these simple people and enjoy their companyall the money i get i start buying plants from the nurseryand the gardeners secretly sell them to me at a fraction of their pricesometimes stealing them for me and giving them to me as giftsmy roof top balcony is soon filled with over 200 plantsi love watering and taking care of these plantsthey are my new friends and i can understand them and feel one with themhaving missed on my education i am inspired to read on all subjectsto study and learn…to know where i want to go and what to do with my lifewith no direction on what subjects to read 1
  • soni aunty secretly allows me to borrow from my uncle satya pauls bookscarefully one at a time from his vast library…he had read extensively andcould afford a huge library of great masterpieces on all subjects but mostlyon religions and books like the bhagavad gita and the upanishads lives ofbuddha, krishna, mahavir, gandhi…authors like khalil gibran, tagorewhatever books i find seem boring to me and very predictablei start searching and begin reading all kinds of strange booksanything to do with the future, death, life after death, occult, religions,especially on tibetans and lamas, the buddhist way of life, to become a monkthese subjects fascinate me and i am drawn to them like a magnetso i read every night under the open sky on my roof top with my plantstill  or 4 in the morning…my life feels so complete and fullexcelling in arts and crafts at schoolmy other passion for still life drawing and painting returnedperhaps i am to become a painter or an artist drawn to art and creative worki soon begin to buy books on the history of art and all the great masters likerembrandt, monet, gauguin, van gogh, cezanne, michelangelo, picasso, dali,duchamp and spend months reading about their lives and works
  • i spend nine months just reading and reading endlesslyin the past four months i begin to have dreams of flying in the sky overrooftops and wake up suddenly and find my sheets wet with heavy sweatingthese dreams become more vivid and i seea long bearded person looking at me with compelling magnetic eyesthat is all i remember when i wake up sweatingi keep many sheets of drawing paper next to my bedand begin drawing these eyes and a beard…eyes and a beardsoon my wall is filled with over fifty such sketches all facing mewith these magnetic eyes and a beardone of the books i was reading was gitanjali by rabindranath tagorewhom i had idolised while at school…i decide that perhaps i am seeing hisface as i was always fascinated by his life and worksi have nothing to do and i do not want to work in the family businessi have read most of the books that i selected from my uncles library andmy aunt is getting angry that i am spending all my pocket money on plantsand books and not on food…but i continue to buy books on credit and runup a huge debt with the bookshop nearby…and get into trouble with themand my aunt finds a way to pay them in monthly instalmentsseeing that i am adamant and stubborn that i want to read and would donothing else my aunt suggests that i start reading books from the lockedlibrary beneath the main library and promised to get the keysthe cabinets were locked and it was difficult for her to secretly get the keysfrom my uncle…so she told me i would have to wait a few days and in themeantime she would send some magazines to satisfy my reading habiti remember clearly that afternoon when i woke upmy servant arrived by bicycle at around 4 pm from my aunties housebringing with him my afternoon snack…he made me my jug of teaand i asked him for the package of magazines my aunt had promised 19
  • 60º to paradisei remember as if it just happened yesterdaythe very moment i saw the sannyas magazine with his face on the coverthose eyes and that beardit was as if time had suddenly stoppedmy heartbeat became rapideverything in the room began to reel and spini almost fainted in a state of shockwow…what was i seeing in front of mewas it a dream…or was i awakethe very same eyes that had haunted me every night for the past fourmonths were staring at me from the cover of this sannyas magazinewhat seemed like a million flasheshundreds of images passed before my eyesit was all there instantaneouslyi knew i had found what i was searching for
  • he was my search…he was my life…this was the meaning to my lifeeverything fell into place…the puzzle was completei had found the man i was born forsomehow i knew my future that very momentmy previous experiences finally made sense…they were all part of this searchthe struggle was over…i know what to do with my lifewith tears in my eyes i reverently bowed to his photograph andwith a feeling of deep love slowly opened the cover of the magazineagain all the images began to flood into my head i knew it all somehow i knew all these people i knew the place as if i had been there and then the first words i read the ordinary man is tao i was still in shock and began to cry with joy crying and shaking without stopping for over an hour i simply could not stop my head began to become light and empty and a pressure started to build up into an explosive pain again the room began to swim the floor began to sway and move what was happening was an earthquake comingi was trembling and began to panic and shouted out to the servantto catch hold of me and take me to the park in front of the housemy head was exploding and my stomach was bursting with paini could not walk and was trembling as he held meand slowly took me downstairs to the open parki fell and lay on the grass and soon i became calm and stilli wanted to rush back up to my balcony and readbut was afraid to climb the stairs in case my head would again feel likeexploding and my stomach like burstingi needed to be on the earth and feel the ground…and let this all subsideit took hours before i had the courage to go back upstairs 21
  • without eating i began to pour myself into the sannyas magazineseach and every picture of bhagwan went straight to my heartevery image drew tears of joy…in just three or four magazinesi knew the word sannyas…his mala…his sannyasins…poona ashramhow could i be there this instant…how will i get there tomorrowthis was all i wanted that the night pass and i get to poonai did not sleep that nighti knew my uncle left for the office at 8.30 in the morningso i waited till he had gone before going to my aunties houseshe had never ever seen me in the morning…i always awoke at 2 pmi needed to see her immediately and get some moneyi had read the address of rajyoga centre near my housei needed money from her to go to poona the same dayshe simply could not believe it when she saw me that morningi looked like a wreck…but there was a certain peace about my facethat she could recognise immediatelyi babbled to her what happened to me and she had tears in her eyesshe became soft and slowly bowed to me and began to touch my feetshe had understood what was happeningthe beginning of the great journey for me…she knew but she worriedabout my going…about my future…that i was too youngjust nineteen and with no parents…no money no futureshe knew my nature angry stubborn and adamant and that i would riskeven starvation to do what i wantedso she gently counselled me not to go…that she had no money to send meto poona and i should wait for a few years and get settled with my lifeand read bhagwan rajneesh in the meantimei left in anger that she did not understand me and the urgencywith which i had to go to poona…to take my sannyasi went to rajyoga…there was an old man swami om prakash saraswatisitting on his chair…i went and bowed to himi told him that my head was bursting and my stomach was in intense painand i felt that i was going to die and that i needed to go to poonahe just smiled and suggested that i go home and get a good sleep and toeat food and cover my head with a cloth…not to go to poona in this statei went again to my aunt and pleaded to give me money to go to poonashe told me that she would carefully consider and would collect moneyover the next few months…and then i could go 22
  • i see these were just tactics to create delay and make me change my mindi felt that all these old people were in some sort of collusion togetherno money in my pocket…determined to get there the same dayi rushed to connaught place to tripsout travel agency harish buddhrajhe knew my family but decided that credit for the ticket was not possiblei offered to sell him the only possession i had in my housea new fridge…for half the price…a one way ticket and some cashthis he happily acceptedhe immediately sent a tempo to collect the fridgeand arranged a one way air ticket to poona for the next daymy servant objected to the tempo…i had to go home and bribe himto remain quite and not tell my aunt i had sold the fridgei went again to connaught place bought some orange cloth and had the tailorstitch my first orange robe while i patiently waited for two hoursmy spiritual life had begunthe whole night i poured over the dozen or so sannyas magazinesmy head suddenly shooting into pain and my stomach burstingup and down like a yo yosomething was trying to balance the pressure which built upand settled inside me continuously throughout the nightthe next morning i was floating with joy elated i would soon be in poonathe sky became cloudy…the rain came downthe sun shone through the clouds…wow what a dreami was sitting in a taxi with enough money in my pocketon my way to heavenpoona february 1981 i arrive in heavenwearing my orange robe immediately go to the ashramit is evening…i manage to walk onto the ashram road…wowseeing so many absolutely stunning and beautiful sannyasins with so muchjoy and celebration written all over their faces…all over the streetsi felt such an upsurge of energy and wanted to be part of this for the restof my life…my stomach pain suddenly becomes settled and my head paindisappears as if by magic…what is left in its place is a sweet taste in themouth of pure intoxication and a warm and honey like flow all over my bodymy nostrils fragrant with jasmine…i am floating over the groundin an expansion that i never knew before 2
  • it is too late for visitorsso i walk around outside the ashram just looking at the sannyasinsspending the entire evening and night walking the streetsevery street corner is filled with people dancing and playing on their guitarsin many places a cassette of his discourse playshis divine voice speaking softly and sannyasins sitting drinking anddrowning into his each and every word like nectardeeply listening to the hiss in his wordsmy god…i wish i could bring the whole world to his feeti dream that this is just the startand i imagine that bhagwan will actually transform the entire worldif they will only come here and listen to his magical voice and feel anddrink this divine bliss that is pervading the entire space all aroundthe air is thick with a fluid…flowing like divine bliss…this is simply paradisethese people are the most blessed on this earthi look in amazement at sannyasins who have been around bhagwani only wish i had arrived here a few years earlierwhat a blessing for them to sit at his feetwhy was i not born earlier…i should have been here sooneri am in love with everyone i see…i love them for being here and feelconnected to each and every face i seei am in love for the very first timei cannot sleep all nighthave found the only simple and cheap guest house nearbyjust a mattress with a mosquito net in an open corridor of a guest housemany people sleeping in tiny roomsthere is no other place as all is full and i do not have much moneyjust enough to be here for around ten days or so and take my sannyasi must make the little money i have last for a month if possiblei must get sannyas from bhagwan firstsee his eyes…get near and close to him immediatelybow and touch his feeti simply cannot sleep…the air is so full of alivenessthis is a whole new universe and so much to absorbi am bombarded by the newness in every directionit is coming from everywhere and surrounding me like a magical misti am breathless…how do these people manage to breathe near himi am simply in a state of happiness shock 25
  • i arrive at the gateless gatefinally…and become absolutely stillthis is the gate of my masters templei become absolutely still and bow deeply to the groundi have unspeakable tears of joygratefulness just to be herei am met by guards asking me why i have come what i wantridiculous is what i feel…what do i want…how absurdi want to take sannyas and live here for the rest of my lifei remain silent as i am overwhelmed by everythingi become tongue tied and all the words seem to have left my speechi look dumb and completely white and stoned and mumble that i havecome to become a sannyasinthey ask me my namei again find it difficult to speak and babble out rajnishthey laugh and look at me in a curious way as if i am cuckooreally is your name rajnish they say and laugh again and againasking me for some proof of identityi had none as i did not bring anything with me i saybut try and explain that my name is rajnish as my father gave me that namethey keep me waiting for an hour outside and finally seeing me wait silentlyask me to go inside with a guard to krishna house and meet someone whowould decide if i could come in or not 26
  • i walk through the gate…but the ground has disappearedi am floating two feet above the earth…simply gliding on wingsmany people look at me curiously…and as to the way i was walkingsuddenly i realise that i have never walked this way…something has takenover me and i am in some new current that is beyond my controltoo blissed out to think i keep walking slowly towards krishna housei am made to sit for half an hour…and see a woman with an orange clothtied on her head sitting with others coming in and out in front of heri remember her face from magazines…so this is laxmii am asked inside to her office…i feel like touching her feetthese are the divine goddesses of bhagwan…the blessed peopleshe quietly asks me my name and i repeat like a dumbfounded kid rajnishshe looks at me and consults another sannyasin woman at her side andagain asks me my name and who i ami repeat my name and tell her that my father gave me that nameshe asks my family name…and i say that i have dropped using my fathersname as i have left my housei could not imagine that all this would sound silly and cuckoo to themas i was just being myself and innocently answering the facts as they wereshe found me funny and smiled and asked me what i wanted to do herei was waiting for her to allow me to talk and i said that i would like to touchher feet and pleaded to her to kindly allow me to get my mala and sannyasfrom bhagwan as soon as possiblei had come to be a sannyasin and spend my life here in any way possibleshe seemed to be a compassionate woman and smiled warmly and saidthat bhagwan had gone into silence a day beforethat i needed to do dynamic and kundalini meditations for one monthshe would see my progress in that month and then i would get my sannyas
  • i pleaded that i did not have enough money for a month and that i wouldsincerely do my meditations every day and come back again with moneybut to kindly get me my sannyas and mala in a few daysshe said that she would think about it and to start the meditationsand with that nod i was taken to the gate and allowed to buy my gate passat the gate buying my pass i suddenly realised what laxmi had saidthat bhagwan had gone into silence…my heart suddenly collapsedwhat did that mean…that i could not see bhagwani felt that i would die…and asked a few around what it meant and whenthey felt bhagwan would come out againthey seemed perplexed at my questions as if i did not know anythingand the way things moved around herei was new and eager and excited to see bhagwanjust relax…calm down…just let go…he has his wayshe will come out soon…such chilled cool catsi saw my anxiety and anxiousness immediatelyi needed to learn this new lingo…just hang out and chilland learn the art of living with ease…go with the flowi was a quick learnerevery morning my only question was is bhagwan coming outwhen would he speak again…when could i get my sannyas and malaeveryday once or twice in my head would be piercing thousands of needlesa sweet pain…i would float while walking…i loved doing kundaliniit somehow did the trick to balance the needles in my headand made me totally drunki soon saw that people began to notice me and look at me in a curious wayit was something to do with the effortless glide and slowness of my walkmany came near me and would hug memany started to whisper and gossip about me…it was all strange for mei was pure innocence in ecstasy and smiling at everyone i sawi was in love with all and everything…the air was lovei walked softly treading with grace and reverence for his buddhafield andfelt bhagwan spread into the air the plants and trees and the earth itselfthis was his temple…the earth was his heart the air his lovei became more and more sensitive to my footstepsatleast two weeks pass and no sign of bhagwani have grown into the ashram air and feel vast and tall like the treesbut my heart is paining to see himi cry each night hoping perhaps tomorrow i will be lucky 28
  • that tomorrow never camei was in buddha hall dancing when they announced and asked the audienceof sannyasins if they were happy bhagwan decided to move to americato loud cheers from everyone…and it was a secretand they officially announced the next day that it was confirmed thatbhagwan would not come out again and he was moving to americablackout for me…i was in tearsno more bhagwan in this beautiful poona oasiswhere everything was so alive and growing to such a peaksudden departure…a new beginning for all sannyasinseveryone running to sell their possessions and move to americai was just in shock again…my heart cried outi needed to get my financial act togetherget a passport…get an american visai had nothing at all…i had to join bhagwan in america somehowwhatever it took i was going to make it happeni had no money left so i took the train third class compartment to delhiwith a new world of problems to faceget a job and earn money to get to americamanage a passport and the impossible american visaback in delhi…the only thing i had missed were my plants 29
  • the spiritual hitchhikerthe very first thing i did was to go to a wood workshopmake a wooden locket exactly like the poona mala…get wooden beadscut out a black and white photo of bhagwantake my sannyas under a tree in the lodhi gardeni buy a photo of bhagwans feet…i place my mala onto it each nightplace the feet and mala over my headrestsleep peacefully under his feeteach morning wake up to place the mala gently on my neckjust the way he gave sannyas and bow three timesbuddham sharanam gachchhami sangham sharanam gachchhami dhammam sharanam gachchhamithis would be my daily morning and nightly remembrance of him
  • i return to meet my aunt…she was angry i had sold my fridgeas summer was coming my single room on the rooftopwas blazing hot in summer and the daily food she arranged would get spoilti apologised for the very first time in my life and cried on her shoulderthat i need help very badly as i wanted to earn money to go to americashe was surprised at the enthusiasm i had to earn moneyand was happy that i have realised the value of moneyand now valued getting a job and workingshe immediately called joginder uncle in calcutta who needed a reliableand honest manager in his delhi office where a small salary of 1600 rupeeswas settled plus expenses and a promise of a raise if i proved my worthi started to work in total earnestbeing innocent to the amount of money that i would be earningthe amount required even to get a passportthe complications of getting the american visa for indiansthe money i would need to save for the air ticket to get to oregoni was ready to do anything to be with bhagwani was now in the control of the family and their poweri needed to learn this languagerespecting and earning your daily breadi did not want money…i needed moneyi went to rajyoga center and borrowed three of bhagwans books at a timeworking in the office during the day…reading a bhagwan book each nighti must have read atleast two hundred books of bhagwan in these ten monthsas they said that i had read their entire libraryi never read to learn anything or for studyreading him was pure poetry…just sheer blissi could feel his breath in the words and the silences in between as if hewas there in real life…i just drowned into all that he spoke and into thewordless silences that transmitted the real messagei did not remember anything i was readingjust the buzz of silence it surrounded me withjust the continuous rhythm and flow…its ring of truthmy being was nourished just looking at his photos…his gesturesi was beginning to feel closer to him by the sheer distancehaving gone to poona and not having seen him in real lifethe flame in me became hungry and searching for himi began to appreciate all the great love stories that i had readalways finding them too sweet and silly 1
  • now for the first time i knew what it really felt liketo be in love with a masterto burn and be consumed in the flamelike a moth seeking the lightthe job in the company was important as i proved my worthi excelled in sales and had great organisational skillsthe small office soon began to have eight fold salesmy uncle was happy to see my progressbut more so to see my total enthusiasm and the control henow had over me…he raised my salary to 500 rupeesand allowed me access to everything in the companysomehow in these months my grandfather was also happyand started to arrange money for me through other meanswhich i started to collecti asked my uncle for important favoursi needed papers and documents of a high earninga steady job certificate from a well known companya proper residential address…some company documentsso that i could acquire a passport for travelit took me six months to get the passportnow came the difficult part…the american visathe travel agent told me it was impossiblean indian without any travel history…a blank passportjust nineteen years old…visa impossiblethis is where i coined a statement for my lifethat the word impossible did not exist in my dictionaryall those who have known me say this about methat the word impossible does not exist for rajnishfor my american visa application i prepared as manydocuments as possible with special permission from my unclemy mothers fame and fathers business standings mentionedmy salary was shown as 16000 rupees monthlyi was made a partner in a family firm…work field increasedpersonal bio data was hugely exaggeratedhuge financial deposits were shown in my namea first class ticket to america was procuredwith a stopover in thailand for holidays 2
  • i wore the best suit and tie carried an expensive briefcaseand appeared before the american visa sectioni was going to america as my parents promised me a holidaythey were rich and famousthat i intended to travel abroad frequently was what i statedwhen asked if i would work in americai retorted and asked if i looked like a servant to themthat was enough…the woman interviewer was embarrassedthe american way…judge a book by its coveri got my first three month multiple entry visa for america injanuary 1982…ten months for all this to fall into placecelebrations…i had earned my ticketmy american visa…800 dollarsbhagwan here i comemy travel agent who had a bet with me saidthe word impossible does not exist in the dictionary of rajnishtwenty years old…my first travel out into the worldi arrive in bangkokof course the first visit to the night life of pat pongnever seen such swinging people into the nightall drinking and dancing with abandoni loved what i saw but felt shy and completely out of placea fish out of waterand not carrying much money except the 800 dollarswent back to the guest housethree nights in bangkokon to tokyo for one night stopoverit was 1 december…new years evetoo expensive to venture outthe airline put us up in narita in a beautiful hotelthey arranged champagne for all at the rooftop bari could feel that i simply did not belong in such situationshad my dinner and went to sleepmorning flight to los angelesflying over the international dateline 
  • new year celebrations again…was this a good omencelebrating the new year twicefirst landing in america…surprised that i just felt normaland no real excitement to be in the usa at twenty years of agei felt lost and totally confused at the vast distances in los angelesjust cars and cars and freeways and freewayshow and where did people actually meetthis was alien country for mei felt really miserable and disconnected with whatever i seei was to meet my friend in san diegowho would help me in america and arrange to get me to oregontook the greyhound and arrived in san diegofelt much better there…the beaches and the city were more accessibleone actually could see people strolling about on the promenadeinstead of arranging to help me get to oregoni soon realise that my friend just needed someone to share the expensesin his apartment as this started to finish all my moneyi called oregon and they immediately began withwhat visa did i have and as an indian how long was i allowed to stayhow much money was i carryingthat 50000 dollars was required to live in the communei simply could not understand what these people were talking aboutthey seemed distant and cold…i knew my trip to oregon would not happeni felt disconnected towards the communei began to realise that i was just naive and stupidunprepared for the realities of money and the worldi was already miserable with the american culture and environmentno real food for vegetariansi withdrew into my shell and wanted to leave as soon as possibletwo months in san diego learning about the cost of food living and traveloregon was out of my reachnot wanting to overstay my visaand lose all possibility of ever coming back to americai returned to india and planned to prepare properly and come again 4
  • it took one yearthis time i had spoken to my relatives who arranged for meto directly go to my mothers sister usha aunty near chicagoshe had promised to take care of me and get me to liveand work in her two motels in waukegan illinoisthis way i would be financially able to go to oregon atleast for festivalsas i could not afford to be a resident in the communei land in new york 9 january 198usha aunty was kind and understood that the only reason i was workingday and night in her motel was because i wanted to save up moneyto go to oregon every three monthsi soon realise her gujarati husband only wanted to have me workingthey fired the cleaning women and the managerand soon i began to manage the sixteen bedroom motel all alonethe laundry and toilets and rooms and checkin and checkoutall a one man show…with not even an hours breakto make it worse this motel was only frequented by marineswho had a training base nearby…always rowdy and drunk and messyall the rooms were constantly upside downi was just running around cleaning the rooms and preparing for the nextdrunken marine to enter and trash the room againsometimes cleaning rooms in minus 0 degrees windchill at 2 ami never complained and was content as long as they allowed me to go tooregon for ten days during the festival celebrationsthe first opportunity i got i called and arranged to go for the july festivalat which my uncle blew his fuse asking me as to who would take care ofthe motel during my holidays 5
  • the promised pay that i was accumulating of just 00 dollars a monthnever came to me…he said that if he gave me my salary i would only go tooregon and waste it with that sex guru bhagwanall this was too much for me…i just packed my bag and left for chicagoto go to new york to meet another uncle theremy aunt rushed after me and paid me 800 dollars for the four months worki had done there…apologising for the way my uncle behaved…he neverrespected anyone always overworked underpaid and threw out the bestoregon was not to beon a greyhound on the road again…i arrived in new yorkin the plush manhattan apartment of another uncle vijay and aunty kikiwho were extremely loving and kind towards methey were perhaps the first who actually sat and heard my whole story butsuggested that i work…grow up before i set about my wish for sannnyasmy uncle was vice president of the oberoi group in new yorkand not wanting me to become illegal in americawas arranging for me to go to india and work for them in delhii told them i felt i needed to go to london where a rich and famousuncle of mine lived…perhaps he would give me a jobthey lovingly bought me an air ticket for londonthe first time i had actually received something from anyone in my lifei promised to pay them back…which i eventually did a few years laterlondon may 198my london billionaire uncle swraj paul says he is busy and to call backafter three weeks and make an appointment with his secretary
  • i call on a friend from india settled in london in the garment businesswho was very happy to help me…as he himself needed helphe and his wife had recently separated…he was always travellinghis house was in a mess…his one man garment business in shambleswith too much stock of clothes to selli fitted perfectly into his plans and it worked out ideally for mei cleaned out his house…cleared out his messy officestarted to sell the piled up stocks of garmentsand within a few weeks it was clear that i had the skills for sellingand managing a company single handedlymy friend was overjoyed and we had an ideal working arrangementseeing the results he was generousi was actually earning 1000 pounds a monthand i began to love london and the garment districtfinally some light in the end of this financial black tunnelmy streak of good luck was soon to run out as my friend had to close hislondon office and manage the company factory and exports from indiai had now been in london for a yeari had learnt much and gained valuable experienceso i created a shelf companystarted designing for my own label and importing into londonnot legally allowed to earn in the uk i created a front companywith a cousin of my mothersmy company was selling evening wear for womendesigned by me under my label renei…manufactured in indiaand i was soon in the christmas windows of harvey nichols selling inselfridges, dickens and jonesin every top end store in bond street knightsbridge and oxford streetsequined evening wear was a hit in london 
  • my designs were outrageous and moderni had earned the reputation of high end designer with a low price tagafter the initial setup company expenditure and about a dozen flight ticketsto and from india i had profited over 25000 pounds…about 35000 dollarsthe oregon dream seemed a realitywith 50000 dollars i could become a residenti was almost two years in london and life was beautifuli woke up each morning to his feet and wore my malato bows of buddham sharanam gachcchamii was invited to milan italy by a famous international brandto assist in their design development and arrange garments from indiathis would be my last money trip and then back to india and then to oregoni mentioned this to my cousin who held my front company for meeverything from my contracts with department stores for my renei labelto import documents…bank accounts…all were in his namei was living simply and taking money only for food and thelondon underground tube each month with no real other expensesliving in his house and paying him for accommodationon my return with a successful business deal and orders from milani was stopped at customs and taken in for an interviewi was told they had information that i was earning in the ukand running a business against the stipulations on my tourist visaand that i was not going to be allowed into the countryi was stunned and immediately realised that perhaps my cousin hadreported on me to try and steal my moneyhe had a boring government job to do with social securities and wasalways interested in my company seeing the huge profitsi became clear and stated that mine was only an indian companyexporting garments to the uk and that my cousin was importing thegarments on credit and was not intending to pay my indian companyand that i had come to collect the outstanding duesthe customs officer accepted my storyand instead of the usual three months i was given a two week entry visai called my cousin from the airporthe sounded surprised that i was actually back in londoni realised that he had been trying to cheat mehe never came to the airport…pretended that his mother was in hospital 8
  • and that his house was locked and he would see me in two or three dayswhen i went there he complained to the local police that i was a strangerwho was forcibly trying to enter his housei called india to hear he had been in india during the week i spent in milanhad made contracts to continue my renei business with other suppliersand when i called my buyers at harvey nichols and selfridgesthey said they were told that i was only working as the designerthat my cousin owned the company and had fired me from my jobback on the streets againlost all my hard earnings of 5000 dollars to a thief and scoundrelthere was nothing i could do as the entire company was in his namei returned to India and my friends were shocked as they all knew how hardi was working for my dream of sannyasmy manufacturers to whom i had given business wanted to back mefinancially and help me somehow…my designs were hot sellersby now i had successful business contacts in london paris italy and greeceas well as milan and new yorki had to rebuild their confidence in medo some freelance designing and receive design feesand within five months my main garment exporter decided to give mecredit of 20000 dollars for garmentsi could not go to london…uk immigration was now alertthe demand for my particular evening wear been taken over by my cousinhe had left his government job and started running my companyso i plan to go for the big markets of new york and los angeles whichwould bring me closer to oregon 9
  • while in india i read notes of a madmanwhich is to become my most loved and favourite book of bhagwanssimply surpassing all other books as bhagwan is speaking just to himselfno audience…pure expressions of being himself and experiencing blissthis book i read atleast ten timesbuy fifty copies at a time and give as my only present to friendsat the same time i read books i have lovedso i make a complete list of all the booksand go to piccadilly book store in delhithis old man becomes one of my closest friendshe loves collecting the greatest books in his small store in connaught placetaking immense pride in keeping his bookshop stocked with almost all titleshe works out a deal for all the books on my listarranges about ninety titles and i start another journey of readingthe book of mirdad, tao te ching, j krishnamurti, raman maharishi,ramakrishna, gurdjieff, richard bach, herman hesse, leo tolstoy, paul repsi arrive back in america 25 october 1985the shipment of garments worth 20000 dollars landed in american customsi was working out import methods with a friendwhile carrying samples of the latest designs to pre sellwith my knowledge and credit for the garmentsi would sell and regain the money in a matter of two or three monthsevery garment sold at over 100 percent profitit was simple now…just push sales and some hard work 40
  • lotus in chainsi remember that morning 29 october 1985i received a phone call at about 9.0 ami was sleeping in my relatives house in pasadena los angeleswake up…turn on the tv…see the newsbhagwan is arrestedthe commune is destroyedin disbelief i turn on the tv in the drawing roomin the news bhagwan smiling coming off a plane with handcuffsfbi agents surrounding him with gunswhat the hell…am i in a nightmarei pick up the table lamp and smash the tvi am furious and could have killed anyone that moment
  • how can they do this to bhagwanhandcuffs and body chainsabsolutely horrificand totally unacceptableto chain a fragile divine beingdo they know what they are doingcan they not see his divine presencechains on his gracefuland delicate handsguns surrounding himbhagwan smilingradiant and gracefulhis face utterly calm and a sparklingtwinkle in his eyesfirst thing that morningi still remember that imagethe world has gone madmy life has come to an endnow there is nowhere to gono oregonno running after bhagwanno need to make moneya wall in front of my eyesand the image of himin chains handcuffedi am a dragon breathing fireoutraged with nowhereto vent this angermind frozenwhat am i going to do 42
  • in sheer explosive angeri close my eyes for the first timeand hear a silent voiceyour enlightenment is all you can give to meyour anger can be used positivelyburn the candle at both endsbe totalgo inyour enlightenment is my only protectioni got the message loud and clear from bhagwango in…just go ini call the communeno one is really answering the phonesaying they do not know what is going to happenit seems it is the end of the communei wanted to leave america and return to indiai disliked america and what they had done to himto the communeto my sannyasins whom i loved and adoredtheir collective blood sweat and tears to buildthe greatest oasis on earth of a living buddhathey had destroyed the future of millions of seekersi rush downtown to my importers…try and workout a lump sum deal to sell all the garmentsin one clearance lot to a jobber at cost priceand arrange to clear the balance andpay back the indian company and leave americatwenty five days to clear out and pay back theirmoney having saved up just 2000 dollars 4
  • fathomless zero divei came back to india with a heavy heartfocused with the task aheadfull of fire…full of rebellion and determined to take my inner revengechannel my anger…burn inside…be totally consumedi could do it…enlightenment was my naturejust a total and sincere efforti knew i knew the how…now was the time…just diei do not know where to begin my inner divei think it will be the himalayan mountainsperhaps in a retreat in pokra nepali go to my friend tripsout travel harish buddhrajand start talking about what happened to bhagwan and the communethat i was going to start deep meditationsand was looking for a suitable place in the mountainsand to get me a ticket for kathmandu
  • strangely he suggested i go to the poona ashram…i was surprised asi had heard the ashram was closed after bhagwan left for americahe pointed out and gave me the latest rajneesh times lying next to himsaying his friend sardar gurudayal singh always sent him a copythe poona ashram was open with twenty sannyasins living there…perfectjust what i was looking for…a quiet place with all meditations happeninga one way ticket for poona please harishi was like a person on death rowabsolutely resolute that i was on a missioni wanted to be total and focused…no idle friendships…no talking to anyonejust there to meditate and absolutely nothing else…full stopi leave behind all my possessions…have only one orange robe stitchedcompletely plain…buttonless…straight and simplea pair of bata chappalsand take the newspaper photo of bhagwan chained and handcuffedmy own handmade mala…his feeti want to have no distractions whatsoeverbe simple and live simple and focused…no more postponementi must reach enlightenment…do or diei again arrive at the poona ashram gateless gateand become absolutely still…this is the gate to my masters templewhenever i enter this beautiful wooden gate the air around me changesthe air is uplifting…i am transported into another worldthe mystery school of bhagwan…his blessed buddhafieldthe gateless gate…again i am asked who i am and why i have comestrange is this the way they always greet people…always suspiciousi am sent to meet the stern and hard swami swabhavwho immediately starts to lecture me and tell me that i must learn tobalance my life…zorba the buddha…asks how much money i haveto support myself…that this place is only for working peoplethat work is worship and was the only way i could be hereotherwise i was not allowedi say that i have read over two hundred books of bhagwani mentioned that i wanted to focus only on meditation and sit silentlyand that i did not wish to work…and meditation was my only workangry with me he felt i had no understanding of bhagwans wishesthat work was worship…that meditation without work was laziness 45
  • he was single pointed in his approach and fixed that i was not welcomei made it clear that i was financially able to manage my lifethat i did not want nor asked for residence like the othersand that i would simply buy my monthly gate pass and pay for my foodcome in to meditate…and leave in the night…live outside the ashramthis infuriated him as he felt that i was not to be dominated and controlledlike other helpless indians depended on the support of the ashrami tell him about coming to poona in 1981 when i could not get the malafrom bhagwan nor the official sannyasi am sad and with folded hands ask him to please give me sannyashe becomes soft and smiles…he is happy that i have finally buckledand somehow need his helphe was always hard throughout my experiences with himbut i actually loved him as i could clearly see that he was sincere andgenuine in his love for bhagwan and was really only concerned withsannyasins meditating if they entered the ashramand were not there just fooling aroundthat they took his authority seriouslya few days later the issue of my name came upswami swabhav by now came to see i was really innocent soft and simpleand my name rajnish suited me and decided to give me sannyas and mymala with the name swami rajnish bhartiand soon people started to call me rajneeshi could still feel the air thick with bhagwanthe ashram was vibrating with his presence and for me it was heaven againi could be there with no hindrance allowed to move anywhereto walk behind buddha grovewhere bhagwan livedthe sacred lao tzu gate always etched in my hearteverything stops for me whenever i come to this gatelao tzu gate was open which was almost a shock for mei remember each time i had passed by that gate in 1981my breathing would slow down and i would pause silently and go inwardbowing deeply to my master…time would stopit has been my way forever…and even to this very dayjust the memory of the gate stills me…it is the door to my temple 46
  • the gate is open…but i do not walk in…it is too sacredi feel that only when i really deserve will i pass through these gatesi walk silently by…this gate has become a standstillthe deepest moment for meup to now it was just reading and readingrunning around to be near bhagwan…dreaming of that day i would see himhundreds of emotional moments…few days of kundalini…no actual sittingthe real hard part now was actually meditatingi go to hotel sunderban next doorthe unfriendly guard says they are closed…and they are not renting roomssaying i want a room for one year i insist that i want to meet the ownera car drives by…mr talera enters the sunderbani meet him and request him to give me a roomhe laughs and says that he has never met anyone like me…just the wayi requested him for a room…laughingly says there are ghosts living thereand that i would be good company for themand agrees to give me a room for 1200 rupees a monthi tell him i want nothing in the roomjust a mattress on the floor…an empty rooma beautiful manicured garden…stretches of roses in the entrancea convenient large covered veranda facing the gardenthe ashram next door…i am readyit is march 1986 i am now twenty four years of ageand as one could imagine i must set some spiritual targetachievements and deadlines for myselffor my enlightenment 4
  • i hear that bhagwans enlightenment day is 21 marchtoo soon for any possible achievementthen there is masters day celebration in julyperfect day for a present for bhagwana disciple can only give his enlightenment to the masterso i set my deadline…ninety daysin all the books i have read of bhagwanthere is so much in so many directions…where do i starti have to find some sort of simple and easy starting pointwhich i could follow and use as a measure of my progressi work it all out mentallysolid…liquid…gas…three stages towards enlightenmentfirst month shake and dissolve the solid foundationsecond month flow with the river and become liquidthird month experience the subtle and drown into invisible and vaporisesimple…dont make it complicated…follow this methodwatch the progress daily…and if nothing happens…intensify the methodi could never get up in the mornings…always 1 to 2 pm in the afternoonthis was ok i feel…i can compensate as i could meditate late into the nightand am always awake till  amclearly dynamic meditation was not on my listand justifiable as my body is already very fragileand i really do not have such a solid foundation to shake up anywayso i do kundalini meditation seriously and totally everydayi begin kundalinishaking…so totally that the shaking actually happens on its ownthe music moving the body in high rhythm…drenched in sweatdance…i cannot move my feetthe upper torso waving like a tall bamboo…something pulls me upwardssitting…my crown piercing with needlescrown pulled up with a strong force stretching my necklying down…dead still…i white out…no remembrancejust the dong of the bell…i am back 48
  • start my silent sittingsi soon realise that it is very difficult to sit stillnot much mind really…just the body in severe pain and fidgetyunsettled and very painfulnever ever sat cross legged before in my life…totally uncomfortablei cannot even manage to sit stillevery ten minutes i open my eyes…it is very difficult just sittingtime simply does not pass…even ten minutes is too longthe body aching and wanting to stand up and move abouthow will i ever get to enlightenment this wayjust how ridiculous and stupid i felt with my ninety day targeti open my eyes…the picture of bhagwan stares at me…him in chainsi am furious again…i close my eyes angry with myselfi am just spineless and weak…cannot even sitand angrily tell my body to shut up and get used to the painthere is no other way…there is simply no choicejust ignore the pain…discipline myself…if one has to die then just diea huge struggle and war over mind and bodyeach time losingopening my eyes to see bhagwan in chainsunbearable to see this imageclosing my eyes and continuing to dive in…in…in…intwenty days or so…only kundalini meditationthen intensely sitting the rest of the day…start to clock the time i am sittingand soon one hour seems too short…then three hours…then six hoursperfect amount of sittingnow i begin to feel a certain control over my bodyand feel some sort of achievement…a certain inner powera will activated over the mindi start to consciously experiment and direct my sittingwhat does in really meando i just sit with eyes closed and feel the interiority of my bodyand feel the inner gripping me from the insideor is in a kundalini column in the spineor is in deep near the naveldo i dive in with my breath compresseddo i need to use my breath to direct and to guide my dive inmany questions…go in…where is the in 49
  • these questions haunt me and i experiment hours and hours each nightwith different sets of experiments…it is so engrossing and intensei love each moment of these divesit is clear that there is another universe insidefar deeper and more vast in contenta great scientist is needed to go in and observe all these possible layersall these multidimensional perspectives of experience insidewhat a joy…sheer joy…it is becoming interesting and time is just flyingperhaps i am flying into many new layers…the mystery deepensi am not looking for results anymore…the journey is getting a grip over memy simple method is workingkundalini shakeup…shakeup the solidthen sit still three hours in the eveningi have now begun to look forward to sitting each night undisturbed9 pm till  am…six hours into the night…total nine hours sitting each dayit is becoming clear to me that somehow the buddhafield was activatingand magnifying many of the dormant inner spaces i was experiencingwhen i was a child in the mountains during my school dayseverything inside me was becoming aliveand i was giving it complete trust and supportthese days and nights of intense sittings of nine hours dailyi begin to realise that that every night i sleep eleven or so hoursi should add the sleep time for continuous meditationand began to practise falling asleep slowly recliningand as if the sittings are continuing…sleeping every night into this statei soon get up in the morning to a huge upward pull and begin toexperience a vast energy pool surrounding me 50
  • having gained some sense of direction and control over my sittingsthe solid part is over i feeli have become more flowing and liquid…my days are changingi begin experimenting with my previous experiences of walkingwalking becomes much slower…lighter and buoyantthe childhood experiences start manifesting themselvesthe earlier weightless walking experiences become more denseyet begins feeling more like a gliding motionsannyasins in the ashram are beginning to notice me nowearlier i was sitting away from their viewnow i am walking every day behind buddha grove…all eyes are on meespecially swami swabhav…always checking on mei am causing him trouble as people begin talking aboutthe way i walk just like bhagwanthat my name is rajneesh like bhagwanthat i remind them of bhagwanalarm bells for his earsi am silent…i do not speak to anyone and they think that i am dumbi dont listen to others and they think that i am deaf…literallysoon they think that i am too arrogantothers think that i pretend to be enlightened…holier than thoui am too engrossed and pay no attentionthe days and nights are too short…deeply immersed in this experimenteach day the thread leads into the next dayi must follow this trail that is deepening and unravelling before mei can feel that someone is leading me…and that i am not alonei have a guide hovering over me…i can feel a presencemy body is walking without walking…someone is carrying itit moves without the slightest effort from me…a glide has beguni have become vertical light…it moves the bodyexperiencing bodylessness 51
  • i recollect some experiences on walking slowlyi could speak a thousand pages on these experiments walking and feeling my whole body move from feet to head i focus on the earth in front of me totally focused on my walk on the simple movements of walking as the body slows down the breath slows down a new inner breathing takes over it is cool fragrant and sweet it pulls my head upwards and i stop thinking just me and my footsteps no thoughts just a blank space my head has needles piercing through it it is painful yet intoxicating it makes me drunk the air is becoming thick with a new sensation of warmth and something holding me from all aroundi am called in by swami swabhavwho tells me to become normal and not to act holier than thouand that he cannot tolerate me pretending to be enlightenedimitating bhagwan…to drop my ego…stop vipassana meditationsthat i was becoming mad or would soon become madand to start working in the ashram like the others…just be normal 52
  • i could feel his glare on me everyday when i walked behind buddha groveperhaps he did not understand mewas misguided by sannyasins in krishna house officenarendra was sly and calculatingmaitreya kept out of ashram politics and was silenta huge opposition was building up against mei now walk every day two to three hours behind buddha grovethe gentle slope rising…the gentle slope descending…a perfect pathway i feel like a huge pillar passing through my body and at the same time begin to experience a ball floating above me the huge ball rolling in the wind above me just like a tall pillar waving the body below my feet continue walking in a strange movement i cannot feel my feet on the earth just a sensation of hovering above the ground both feet have become one the right moving the left and the left moving the right it is a strange slow motion yet has a balanced slow rhythmic movement you must follow its paces a tall and thin pillar waves the walking body below a huge ball suspended above balancing the back and forth motion i have to walk very slowly otherwise the ball loses balance the pillar loses the rhythm and i must stop walkingsoon the inevitable call to the office by swami swabhavi am advised to stop walking slowly and told vipassana was not allowed bybhagwan without doing dynamic meditation and work as worshipit kept one grounded and i was going cuckoo…to watch outor i would soon be banned for my own goodthat he had given me sannyas and was his duty to tell me about my ego 5
  • i asked him as to who actually gave me sannyasstating that if he was present when sannyas was giventhen it was his ego…that one was a hollow bamboo pureand empty during sannyasand that only bhagwan could give me sannyasand i returned the malai was banned from the ashrami continued deeper into my walking experimentsnow beginning to walk in the hotel garden at nightwalking with a blindfold to intensify the experiencea needle through my crown piercing and pulling tightmy walk has found its perfect rhythm…a balance so perfectlike walking on a tightrope suspended across the skyperfect balance…no fear of falling left or rightpure grace…pure harmony…sheer joy and ecstasyjust walking at that pace slowly…reaching an orgasmic high all movement around me becomes slow motion as if i am in a dream the air stops…my breathing stops and everything around me freezes a huge yawning pit confronts me if i move i will fall into this deep hole i stop completely frozen the earth below me opens into a deep deep pit i cannot look down…i am swallowed into ita rushing sound sucks me in…deeper and deeper i stand immobile in shock…still in darkness eternity seems to pass by and suddenly an explosion of light all around me twinkling with millions of sparkling lights have i fallen into a tubeor am i rising into the sky a tall tube a pillar of light pulls me upwards i feel my feet lift off the ground gravity has left my body 54
  • soon i begin to have strange experiencesthe ball i feel rolling over meseems to become larger and largerthe pillar experience stronger and more rooted into the earthi realise the stillness i am drowning into creates a reflectivepool…a sort of mirror over me…watching me belowi have begun to see balls of light hovering over peoplea certain radiance emitting from a few peoplei have read bhagwan saying several timesgo into the centre of your beingi go again into my inner questioningwhere is the centre of the beingis it a vertical centre…is it the centre of the navelis the centre the top of the crowni try to dive into each of these inner pathwayslook deeply in to see what would mean the centretotally confused if the kundalini experiencelike a tall pillar of vertical light…was the vertical centreor the ball of light floating above me was my centrebut i always assumed the navel was the centrei reason that since i am not the bodynot the mind…not the emotionsand am just a detached witnessperhaps the centre would not be located inside the bodyand was a point of witness outsidei reasonif the centre was part of a circlethen a sphere would be more correctand therefore the centrewould actually mean the very centre of the spheremy experiences of walking were dual in naturea tall vertical pillar of lightand a huge ball rolling and floating above mei dug deeply into this enquiryboth seemed correctthe vertical and the sphericalbut which one 55
  • soon i began to experiment with the sphere as my centreit seemed more correct as it was a detached witnessnot connected with the bodymind sensory experiencesand with this new method beganto look upon myself from an eagles eye viewfrom the distant horizonand people around me start seeing that i have a blankand passionless expression on my face…it seems dead and lifelessto add to this dead looki began experimenting with darkness and the black of the nighti was simply drawn magnetically to drowning into the black nightand make my room completely dark pitch blacki loved the blacki remember the nights i stared into the blackness of the nightit seemed too much light was present in the atmosphereand i could not go deeper into the blackso i chose to use a blindfold and sit into the nightit was becoming more and more intenseand more and more exciting for me…this adventure was exhilaratingi was sucked into itthe night blindfold sittings began to see new windows openingand i became aware that my innerbody was not actually darkbut was actually filled with a blue spark flowing and animatedand that it was protected and surrounded with a deep blackwhich was velvety and soft in natureand the more i was drowned into it the more i felt a calm envelope methe blue light inside becoming denser and more animatedi knew that i was reaching some sort of explosion of light
  • two months had passedi sent a feeler through a sannyasin with an apology to swami swabhavhis response was beautiful and he welcomed me back with a smileand seeing his lighter side and warmthi began to love him from that moment onwardsi felt that i was wrong to have given back my sannyas and malaand apologised asking for my mala backby now swami narendra was unhappy with me and convinced swamiswabhav that i take my sannyas again with a new name akam bhartijust to teach me a lesson and make me drop my ego of the name rajnishi was egoless about the rajnish nameand accepted wholeheartedly with no conditionsany name chosen was fine for meso i became swami akam bhartibut everyone just called me rajneeshit was now july and my deadline was running outi must make it to enlightenment by masters day celebrationjust twenty days or somy daily activities saw tremendous changesi was walking each step consciouslymoving my each hand consciously…standing or sitting with alertnessevery single gesture or bodily movement was watched by meand i became known as the slow motion manthe slow walking manit was easy and effortless on my partit was arousing and made me feel intoxicatedevery movement became a joy to watch…the sheer grace it offeredand the very experience of grace was overwhelmingand a gift…it became part of my daily life…of meditativeness 5
  • my intensity increasedi was almost insane in my endeavouri blamed myself for not going deep enoughi was only meditating nine hours each dayplus adding the sleep of the night…nineteen hoursi was wasting five hours in non essentialsso i put it on paper that i should meditate twelve hours…sleep nine hourstwo hours for morning shower and tea and one hour evening dinneri must knock on more doorsexperiment with more methods that were not familiar with my mindto add another dimension to my night meditationi went to sleep every night as if i was deadand went deeper and deeper into imagining i had diedand that they were taking my body to burnmy sleep became lighter and i felt wide awake most nightsso i decided there was no need to really sleepi was completely fresh and rested and decided i need to push more deeply
  • i was aware that many layers of experiences were gatheringa kind of multidimensional collective understandingwas now converging to some sort of bigger openingit was a vague feelingyet i was certain that i was hearing my inner voiceassuring me i was closeto somethingten days to my deadlinei decide to sit for seven days completely in silence and not move at all 59
  • descent into the black holethere is a little courtyard in sunderban with a small lemon treethis was a perfect spot to sit unnoticedabsolutely no disturbancei started my final seven days divetotally resolute and now more intensely focusedit all started with this seven days ultimatummy body started to get very very hot…i was getting high feverand continuously sweating…moaning in high fever in my sleepthe next day the body started to get ice coldto shiver and shiver…my teeth chatteringit was all strangeone day intense heat…another day intense coldperhaps i had pushed too muchso i let go and dropped pushing as i would only get sick this way
  • something in my body started to break downi was feeling a transparent vapour surrounding mecool and nourishing…like a silent guidethe intensity and focus made my bodymind obedient to my wishessupporting my every wish and desirei had released a genie from the bottlesitting still…just sitting stilli began to realise that the air outside was not emptyit was thick with energy enveloping and gripping me from the outsideand that there was some energy thick and gripping me from the insideperhaps if they were to meet…the inner and outer were to become oneso i become absolutely stilland focus on stillnessbreathing in…breathing outi began to focus only on the gapsin breath gap…out breath gapthis gap was my new focusthere start to come moments where i would forget to breathe in or outlong pauses in the gap began to appearand a sudden feeling that i was falling into somethingjust slipping into some sort of tunnel in the gapsit was extremely scary as i realised for the first timei was in a very complex focal point in between the breath on the gapseveral times the fear of the breath stopping drew me into a blackoutand i could hear a tunnelling sound as if being sucked into a vacuumit was scary but still very excitingas my stillness became more and more compressedi also began to experience an expansion of the stillnessnew experiences began to surfacemy body started to smell of jasminethe scent was so overpowering that it began to intoxicate meand my eyelids became heavier and heavierthe intoxication extremely heavy and thicki was moving into a trance like stateheavy sleep surrounding me 61
  • i was losing my mental grip on my daily controlled routinethis intoxication was simply overpoweringi was blissed out and let gono more routinejust go with this trance and let it take overthe experience of sound became strangeit was almost as if sound came from everywhereand i was sitting inside it…like ripples all moving in circles…around methe more i experienced this the more i became aware of my silencesit was becoming deafening…the ripples around methe silences deepenedi was being drowned into a sound of a humhumming like millions of bees in my headsometimes it was too loud…unbearablebut it was out of my controlmy touch began to expandthe rock i sat on felt almost like feathersi could feel my hands were alive with a feather like touchi am now always looking upwardsthe spot between my eyebrows was in a hypnotic statea drill like force pressing into it gripping my forehead like a bench vicei could not look downmy eyes always looking up to the skyas if waiting for something to appear in front of me while my inner senses started reaching outwards i could feel that they were also moving inwards…a merger inside to outside and outside to inside sensitivity grew…there were no more walls i was vaporising my body starts expanding and stretching like a balloon i feel the currents in the air merging with me from nowhere and everywhere from the sky, the earth, the grass, the trees, the rocks, the air all becoming animate and everything started to pour into me my body has disappeared i was completely transparent and vulnerable 62
  • layers and layers suddenly start opening in front of mei am trying hard to manage and control these experiencesa multitude of experiences all pouring down into mei need to go to the toilet…i feel a huge let go of my bowelseverything had flushed out of memy body seemed to be preparing for somethingevery pore of the skin starts to ooze something out of the bodyit is thick like honey flowing out of the entire skini become sticky…the body feels creamy…and soft like a babyi experience a tall kundalini like openinga fast torrent of vertical movement into the skymy head starts to suddenly gain pressure…suddenly drop pressurethe push inside my skull is very painfuland i begin to cry within myselfand wish all this would somehow stopit was too much…someone please stop this…i was explodingit has started to rainmy breathing becoming more clear and openmy entire body is porous and breathingi am becoming a breath myselfi find an umbrella…it does not remain over my headbut is swung violently to the righti try again to bring it above my head…it is swung to the lefti cannot keep the umbrella above mei let it go…the rain is coming downstrangely i see the rain parting above me…the rain is not falling on methe force of this vertical torrent is dividing the rainfalli am walking as if in a magical dreamthe trees and greenery have become psychedelicthe air is becoming full of lights and brilliantcolours dancing like rainbows with the rain dropseverything i see is becoming more and more brightwith different colours emanating in each directionevery moment is alive with the newness of changebut too much for my sensory experience to absorbthe stream is too fastthis was all too much…too sudden 6
  • for the first time i see something large and black looming above mein reality i was becoming very afraidi rush to the ashram for guidanceand request swami swabhav to be allowed to stay inside for a few daysthe place was getting prepared for the july celebrationspeople attending could pay for accommodation inside the ashrammy requested was not grantedwith the answer that they always warned me i would go madthat i never listened to anyonenow find out for yourselfi go to swami maitreya who just smiles and sayshe does not know what to do and to ask swami narendra who knowsswami narendra sees my conditiondoes not want to deal with me in any way but gently and lovingly advisesme to cover my head and eat food to get groundedi thank him and follow his advicei had not eaten in the last daysand the food in the ashram brings me downand i cover my head with a handkerchiefsannyasins look at me in strange waysmy eyes look very strange and drunkwhoever looks at me is fixed into my eyesmy third eye has become activeone sannyasin follows me asking me if he could do anything for mebring me anything…anything pleasehis eyes are fixed…he is in a trance…locked into my spacei try lovingly to release him from this connectionpeople are watching him follow me so reverentlythey start to gossipi feel i can now manage to return to sunderbanthe road is dark…i cannot feel the earth any morei place my footsteps into dark holes of nothingnessi must just keep my balancei feel my left side fall away…the right side fall awaya tall vertical beam of light is my guidean open tunnelthe kundalini has uncoiled and i feel tall a hundred metres into the skyover the trees of the ashram 64
  • nothing seems to stop these experiences nowi cannot even enter the hotel…i feel crushed when i enter the corridori can sense its entire pathwayeven sense the open window in the distancemy body glides exactly in the centre of the corridorturns left exactly on the turn…all on its owni realise that i am being centred by some forcethat some new perfection is being experiencedif i move my right hand the left follows in harmonyright step moves the leftevery upward motion balances the lower motionforward the backi am pure perfectionpure grace in motiongrace has a new divine revelationthe head covered temporary settles the piercing in my skullbut the food brings a new rush of energy againthe head exploding into the nightthe night of struggle is endlessi remember it is about 8 pmfrom one dimension i am in total blissand another i am in sheer panicso much is happening…i cannot go inside the hotel 65
  • tonight i will be in the courtyard under the lemon treetired and exhausted from all these sudden changesi sit under the tree and look upwardsthe mysterious black hole that was floating above meis now hovering a few feet abovethe strong jasmine is overpowering mei am totally exhausted from all this stimulus i feel the black envelope me and i fall fall fall fall endlessly fall into a black pit a black hole 66
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  • it must have lasted hours but i am soon awakened i can see from the inside that i have fallen into something the fall still continues but gentle and relaxed like a soft feather descending through a tunnel i am seeing a new universe all is light lines of vertical experiences flash by me i can see my past lives rush before me in an instant in seconds somehow i can feel see and recall everything compressed and intensely everything becomes six dimensional i see touch feel experience all at once all alive as if it were the real world and the real world only imaginary i see my life with buddha my life as a tibetan lama visions stretch before this seeing eye 0
  • i see my body re living these memories moving and releasing softly into these experiencesi see my body moaning and moving gently withinwards the muscles relaxing untying the locks of all these lives endlessly these images continue animal lives last thing i remember swimming as a fish in the ocean
  • the comets trail it seems an eternity has passed i do not know how long this continues i have no sensation of time in the black hole i am unconscious in the black hole i become aware of a vast presence hovering over me it has just descended and enveloped me i somehow know this is a visitation from someone i have known before
  • i hear and recognise the soft and gentle voice from my past life a bright luminous being gautama the buddha has descended 
  • i am lying helplessly unconscious just helpless and unconscious i just watch from within his blessings to me on my great arrivalhis blessing and wish to continue his work on mankind i could feel and hear his words of his coming back into the world his words are filled with great promise of his fulfilment i feel uplifted into the sky with each expression of his heart the integrity of his being the power of his presence his promise to mankind the promised return of buddha 2500 years later i was his chosen vehicle i was to be known as maitreya the friend 4
  • a merger of light was happening i feel my physical body change from inside my girth becomes wider…more stout my jaws expand…my hands expandmy fingers move into a new mudra like expression my feet broaden my body has been taken over i am still in a semi coma deep layers of surgery are happening in deep intoxication i am totally in bliss…bliss…bliss i am awakened with a huge explosion of light as if the sun has descended into my head there is no skull i can see through the top of my head brilliant unbearable light is pouring into my head i am blinded completely blinded i cannot open my eyes they are heavy like a rock i cannot move my body i have absolutely no strength i am lying inert under the tree but i am awake 5
  • from a vast distance i can see the rooftops…the ashram treesi can see my body lying under the lemon tree in the courtyard someone please come and help me movei am like a rock…heavy like a rock…cannot pick up my body i wish that i can get up and with this wish i am strangely sucked into my body and experience the pain and heaviness as if after surgeryi do not remember much of what happened during the night just the memory of falling into a black hole memory of the fish in the ocean and find myself unfamiliar with myself i do not recognise my body and its changesi walk differently…i stand differently…my hands are different my face bigger and changed i feel different inside and outside just who am i as soon as i become vertical and sit down a huge vortex again swallows me and a light begins to filter into me on no…not again please…i have had enough i can feel a tall vertical pillar of light opening again i feel a strong wave descending into me and am again sucked in i am falling in again i descend descend inwards and soon recognise the point i had come to last night i am staring at a circular opening into a tunnel with a bright light at the end i am inside behind my navel again so i am going to leave the body now i am prepared this must end but the descent continues i am now falling below the navel…and get scared my thoughts try and surface i am at the wrong door…i must leave from the navel not the black hole that is in front of me 6
  • i start resisting strongly i start shaking the tall vertical pillar of light by swaying back and forth i must not fall inside this black hole again i must keep conscious i must leave the body from the naveli sway back and forth to keep my consciousness alive move move move a huge struggle to keep alive has begun now there is a strong struggle the kundalini holding me firmly still my skull is beginning to feel it is cracking i can hear some slight crunching inside the skull this is becoming deathly and very very dangerous what am i doing how am i to save my life this struggle lasts for over an hour finally something gives way…the kundalini settlesi realise that another hovering being is over my body and then there is yet another three huge balls of light are above me i do not understand who they are they are all watching this struggle i feel helpless perhaps it was all too much too sudden i was not prepared for such descents into me my body was too fragile unprepared my will was strong but with no experience i must give up whatever this is i silently watch and feel buddha bless me again with compassion and understanding i can feel him say he will wait till i am ready and gently smiles and gracefully merges into another being above him i am aware but too dazed and in a delirious state 
  • secret of the mystic rosei want to get up and move away from this place as soon as possibleand go directly towards the open garden in fronti am a totally exhausted from the struggle of the last hourneed to move and breath and find normalcybalance myself by walking in the open i walk onto the garden and again am pulled upwards my eyes look up the sky is clouded the clouds part the sky opens the blue sky explodes a brilliant silvery white tunnel reveals itself i am in shock
  • i see the most brilliant ball of light diamond lights descending bhagwan with folded hands in namaste gently smiling and softly gliding down towards me i have died and gone to heaven i cannot believe what i am seeing before me the most heavenly and divine spectacle the earth has stoppedi fall onto the grass bowing to him my tears are uncontrollable i look upwards he is smiling and gently consoling me i cannot stop these floods of tears wipe my eyes to see if it was true he is still hovering and watching tears of joy keep flooding me i look upwards again he floats smiling his fingers gesture gracefully towards a red rose next to me i see a rose bud slowly opening 9
  • he smiles and says you are the dewdrops on the rose petals my blessings to you you have arrived home i celebrate you his eyes twinkling like diamonds he smiles looking deeply at meand gently ascends into the tunnel folded hands in namaste into the blue sky i keep staring into the sky the ultimate mystery of the master revealed before me when the disciple is ready the master appears i realise everything in an instant that he was watching me throughout my ordeal and start to laugh like a madman then cry then laugh then cry then laugha deep silence descends into my heart a peace beyond understanding 80
  • i have known i have seen the seer is awakethe day is cloudy the air misty the open rose looks at me its fragrance to the wind the mystic rose
  • i am in bliss…i am blissbliss is showering all aroundhow can one contain so much ecstasyi am dying from too much bliss…my heart is explodingthe moment of my seeing bhagwan descend from the skyand reveal himself…transformed everythingit was alchemicaland a vast quantum leapa totally new gestalt had entered into my consciousnessall that i had read became crystal clearall questions simply evaporated…all shadows disappearedthe old bodymind i was carrying and its restlessnessall melted down into a new merger of experiencingpeace bliss and lightand having seenthe bodymind understood and knewthe light of understanding had filtered though a multitude of layersseeing is beingthe seeker and the sought disappearedthe seer was presenti was dancing with the cosmos…and smiling with the windsspeaking softly to this beautiful psychedelic existencerejoicing each and every momentin that one instanti was living in another plane of existencei realised that we all live in different planes of existencesimple words spoken from the heights of great understandingand the depths from where they are perceivedchange the very gestalt and are understood differently 82
  • i cannot even begin to express what i wish to saythis is just the tip of the icebergit has to be saidone cannot remain silentthat silence would also be meaninglessit is sheer magnificence…it is beauty…it is grace…it is pure love…it is lightit is orgasmic and vaster than the infinite skyit reaches all and everythingtruth was everywherepresent in each and every fiber of all that i sawpervading the entire space and its emptinessthe form and the formlessoh what a miracle…what a miracleman is like a fish in the oceannot aware of the waters of its very own lifetruth is an open skyan open secret hidden for all to seeinfinite joyi have come homethis is my universei have searched truth for livesit was staring me in every direction 8
  • i have died and am reborni have fulfilled my promise to bhagwanit is masters day celebration july 1986my eyes are moist with tearsi need to become silent and absorb the immensityof this new universe that i see before mei need to become silent to absorb and understandthe immensity of the implicationsi need time to settle and allow all this to filter inbut i cannot sit any more…i feel like dancingspreading this explosive joy of findingto the sannyasins…to my friends whom i lovethis reaching in just ninety dayswould spark a revolution…a fire in themi was walking amongst them daily…just a common mani would be source and inspiration that they too could reachthat they too could soon drown into this orgasmic ecstasymy heart reached out to them…they all deserved thiseach and every human being deserved thisi walk with a new grace gliding through the gateless gatecelebrating masters day…i want to join their celebrationto celebrate bhagwan with them buddham sharanam gachchhami sangham sharanam gachchhami dhammam sharanam gachchhami
  • they are all in chuang tzu hall…i enter lao tzu gate…with immense joyi feel that i am now part of this sacred space where bhagwan livesit is drizzling with rain…the air magical…flooded with a renewed energyi softly enter the celebrations in chuang tzui dance and dance to the kirtans and songs of bhagwan fill the airlao tzu…paradise on earth…this very place the lotus paradisei wish that i could one day have a temple bedroom just like thisa huge circular space with gardens all aroundi am drowned in ecstasyi can see many eyes piercing mesannyasins feel some new presence around methey seem angry that i am dancing with such freedomthey have never seen me dance beforejust serious and always walking slowlylooking in front at my footstepsi cannot understand their angerthey whisper and shrink afraid to come near mei was always a strangerthat they had slowly got used to and tolerated meby laughing and making jokes about my walking slowlybut now i was far more a stranger…this was something newthey dropped their laughingthe jokes did not fit into this new space i was carryingnow it turned into a taunt that i have become enlightenedi have not uttered even one single wordi was totally blissed out and speechlessbut my very presence…my every gesturemy floating walk…the fragrance aroundeverything reminded them of bhagwan 85
  • they all started to whisper that i think that i am enlightenedthat i am pretending to be bhagwani was amazed…had they somehow all become mind readersthat they could now read my mindand decide for themselves what i was thinkingand then say that this was what i was thinkingi realised this was just the beginning of more ugliness aheadthis was the real world that i was entering intothe world of spiritual egos…power tripscompetition…judgement…jealousy…crucifixionno one even bothered to come close to meclose their eyes…ask me what had happenedjust being human…as a fellow travellerthey had all decided for themselvesjudge…jury…guilty without trial… punishmentand announce their judgement to allgreat seekers of truththey would not leave me alonesuddenly everyone became my mastercontinuously coming to tell me about my egomy sickness…and the cure…to drop my egoall without my askingnor my permission to be examined by their measuring tapei was beginning to see masters all around mei felt compassion for themi knew they had actually understood clearlythat something had happened to meand this was their obvious jealousyi would learn to live with this with silent compassioni could see every person living was actually in search of truthin whatever way they were movinggood or bad…right or wrongthey were all searching for truth 86
  • truth was the source of all lifebirth death and rebirthto move on to evolveinto truth itselfthe circle is completewhere this orgasmic universe evolvesto such a height of consciousnessthat it can see itself...perceive itselfand celebrate itself through enlightenmenti wished enlightenment for all living beingshaving seen the vast being of light bhagwanand seeing my own beingjust a baby…just borni realise that i had just experienced enlightenmentand that there was more…much much morefor me i had only moved from being a discipleto becoming a devoteefor the first time i realised the beauty and graceof being a devotee…my eyes were openednow i am truly his devotee with an open eyei know his deepest secreti always see himi place my experience of enlightenment at his feetit is pale in comparison with what i have seen of bhagwani will need to go deeper…deepen and broaden the experiencei realise bhagwan was enlightened at the age of 21 in 1952but remained silent and only started sannyas work in 190it took him eighteen years for the entire journey to completefrom acharya to bhagwanfrom mystic to master 8
  • from acharya…one whose inner and outer were oneto bhagwan…no inner no outer…just dissolved into onenessacharya…one who could help from the inside…look into your beingbhagwan…one who could help from the outside…give you his very beingit was clear to me that he went through five deep samadhi experiencesall over a period of eighteen yearssamadhi samadhi samadhi samadhi the final samadhiexplosion explosion explosion explosion the final implosionsamadhi where the dewdrop slips into the ocean…becomes the oceanthe dewdrop surrendersdisappearing into the ocean realising its magnitudeit loses nothing…it becomes as vast as the oceanbut the ocean disappearing into the dewdropsuch infinite gracethe ocean becomes the dewdropthe mighty bows to the smallonly the east has known such depth of expressionjust this understanding and experience is worth dying fori am totally in love with bhagwanthat is all i seekto be at his feet as a devoteewho wants to become enlightenednow i have bhagwani have found a greater joy…a greater love…my masteri want to be near him and to see him physically for the first timewhat a dream…i will see him…it will be ecstatici cannot imagine what will happen…what will transpireit is a sheer luxurya windfall of great fortune to find a true masterand bhagwan master of mastersthe most evolved being ever to walk this earththe man of all centuries 88
  • i just want to touch his feet and crysee him walk in floatingsit and listen to his words…drown into his silencewatch his graceful gestures…look into his eyessee him create his magic in the airwitness his charisma and magnetic presenceas it drowns the seekers into waves of blissi am now seeing with an open eyeseeing bhagwan will be the worlds most panoramic spectaclei understand why mahakashyap remained silenti am to be like himi did not want to become recognisedto remain silent and to keep my secreti was greedywanting to enjoy and drown deeper into my experienceto have the privacy of anonymitybhagwan is the very best show in this universe…just watch him play 89
  • settling into my new experiencing of the universestill in state of shock…absorbing layers and layers of experiencesallowing the bodymind to make gross and subtle alchemical changesmy body was changing from within in a multitude of waysthis was all taking a toll on mei needed more and more sleep…deep silence and resti was all alonethe ashram was hostile towards mesannyasins started speaking out against mei could feel their attacks towards mesometimes like daggers or arrows piercing into mei needed to learn to shield myselfmy body was open soft and vulnerablestill in a vaporised statewhere everything entered and exited like an open spacei could feel the slightest movements in the airi could read and look into peoples thoughts and feelingsi began to see their past present and futurei was not seeking to learn about othersjust their passing by me would reveal and open physic doorseverything around me was transparentrevealing its mysteries into mei was already inundated with so much knowing pouring ini wanted to find ways to shutdownand allow some kind of unawareness to take overso i resorted to sleeping as much as possibleno more meditation…just let go…just relaxsleep and let time settle thingsthis too shall pass 90
  • drowned into his eyes10 july 1986 my first samadhi29 july 1986 bhagwan back in bombayjust nineteen days after my samadhii knew he would comewhen miracles happen…they all happen togetherthe american ordealthe calamity and criminal destruction of the communethe seventeen countries world tour and the stupid and absurddenials of his visas…his deportations…sannyasins were in a disarraybhagwan himself is the least affectedi could understand him inwardly seeing it as sharpening of our swordsstrengthening our sannyasins resolve to move in
  • sometimes shock can be used as a ladder to climb and make one alerta zen master uses all and every situationas a device for creating awareness…alertnesshe was only concerned about the effect it would have on his peoplethey needed some good news…a new space to move into…to gather againhe was seeing my arrival to soon become a new source of inspirationto create a new momentum and fire in his peoplean ordinary man…just ninety days…hara kiri method…arrives homei go to the ashram to get the daily news of his arrivalashram residents are given special passes to see him in sumila centrebombay and arrangements are made for a private bus to take them all therei make a request for a pass and the bus ride along with themi had been in poona ashram for four months already but am denied a passi am already on their list of unwantablesam told they would not allow people like me to even get to see bhagwanthat i was cuckoo and could be a physical threat to himthat they were screening those who would be allowed into sumilathey had informed swami manu and swami tathagat in sumila about mei was flabbergasted…why were they all doing this to mei was silent and secret about my samadhia nightmare had begun for methey were trying to bar me from seeing bhagwani leave for bombay in a taxi and go to sumilathrongs of sannyasins have reached thereno one there knows me…just the poona sannyasinsso i decide to maintain a very low profile and try to manage a passpeople are made to line up and stand near the gate of sumilaand i eagerly line up four hours aheadi am the third person in the line standing near the gatenow i am to go deep inside and become still and waitfor me this is the living lao tzu gatei want to be absolutely still and carry only my deepest stillness into the hallthis is my dreamt first meetingi must be totally stillin my deepest moments for the first look 92
  • people are lining up and after four hours of waitingwithout warning the gate opens slightly to allow those outside to move ininstantly there is a huge shove and push from all behindpushing everyone aside to get in firsti am pushed aside…i am in a fragile condition…cannot runjust remain watching as the pushing crowd rush by meforcibly pushing the gates completely openthere are shouts from inside to shut the gate…to shut the gatean angry sannyasin comes out and there is only meand a few others who have been left outsideand shouts saying to me…is this the way to behaveyou all are harming his work…this is not the way…all of you just leavei softly say that i was standing for four hours third in linethat they all pushed me aside…i was not to blame…infact i remained stillhe blasts me and asks why i argue with himhe will remember my face and not to allow me inwhat a joke…is this the way of cosmic justiceperhaps this world is not that mad after alljust look at our own peoplemy very first meeting never camei just walk across to the garden by the street and become silentand sit still through the entire evening 9
  • coming the next dayi am to learn about a new rule…all passes are to be bought fromthe meditation centre in the fort area…go therewhile i am standing outside the gate…i see ma laxmi come outsidei plead my case with her mentioning the previous days episodeshe nods smiles and says that she saw it allok…and hands me a special pass for the daythank you ma laxmi…this is my special daywe are led inside…sit in an area…and are soon taken upstairsi walk very very slowly…letting others pass by meand end up last up the spiral stairsi see ma vivek for the very first time appear on top of the staircaseand watch me climb slowly up the stairsanother gift for my eyes and i feel immense gratitude towards hershe has taken care of bhagwan…she is a goddess in front of my eyesi fold my hands namaste and deeply bow towards hershe smiles…i feel warmly welcomed by heratleast bhagwans closest people are loving and compassionatei say to myselfashok bharti is singing…a long white beardsuch passion and love in his voice…a rhythm of love flowingthis is where i belong…with these people again…we need to be togetherwith bhagwan guiding us along…his eternal caravanseraithe air becomes absolutely still…all eyes turnbhagwan enters beaming with a smilei see him walk with such drunkenness and awareness at the same timegently namaste with twinkling eyes…glide into his chairthis is the first time i have seen himit has taken six long years of waitingbhagwans physical presence is overwhelmingevery particle of air drenched in honey…thick and overflowingi am drunk like never beforemy samadhi a month ago was not so sweetthis is the real thing 94
  • my tears are flowingi look at him…but shyly…close my eyes againi cannot look directly into his eyes…it would be intrudingi close my eyes and my tears just flow and the tears just flowtime has disappearedi am transported into the same black holeeven deeper and gentler and sweeteri can hear him saythat one day this moment will be remembered in historyblessings on your arrivalgo deeper…there is more…there is morei cannot hear his wordsi am drowning into blissom om om om vibrating everywherei hear ashok bharti start to sing againwhere am i…where have i been…who am ihe is dancing with joy…i know why…he knows i know whyi will keep my secret till i have grown my wingsand he makes me fly into the world to rejoice and sing his songto dance his dance…to share his overflowing love 95
  • i am in bliss and totally grateful to existence for all it has given mehis presence is a deep dive into eternitythis one meeting is eternali need to absorb all that he has showered into me this eveningdrink totally and not waste a single dropi do not want to disturb bhagwan any moremy reverence towards him to maintain a sacred distancei want to keep myself on my toes and not take him for grantedi know he is pouring everything into mei must prepare a deeper well to deserve and drink morelet other thirsty fellow travellers drinkthe place is small…many want to meet himmake space for others…give them their chance…they all need himi remain eternally grateful to ma laxmi for the passi return blissfully to poonathe last desire to physically see him also completenow i must go in deeper and make the most of those precious momentsi was fortunate to receive in sumilago in and prepare for a deeper receiving of the masteri sit aloneso many layers had opened and i needed timeto melt into its understanding and begin to grow inwardsit dawns upon me the sheer magnitude of the experiences confronting methe sheer unrealised implications of what transpiredduring that dark night of the soulthe grace and compassion of the descent of the greatest buddhagautama the buddha…his blessingsmy inexperience and unconsciousness in the struggle out of fearand begin to realise that bhagwan was safeguardinghis promised astral body known as maitreya 96
  • everything had happened so suddenly with no preparationi had been mentally emotionally physically unpreparedi wish i had just let go…and even if i had diedthey were there to take care of my return to the bodyi was feeling deeply guiltybut i was only human and frailthis too shall passi will prepare again…just allow things to happen next timethe next swallowing of the black holeawait death…the black hole…rebirthsettling down into stillnessit was all slowly becoming clear to methere were seven layers…higher and higher planes of awarenessleading to the plane of experiencingthe pure witnessit is not the body…it is not the mind…it is not the emotionsit is not the astral or the six subtle bodies linked to this bodyit is free of form…a pure witnessfirst five centres are only for developing growing and crystalisationleading to awarenesswhere there is the experiencer and the experienced…a dualityreaching the sixth centrewhere for the first time one becomes aware of awareness itselfthe state of experiencing…non dualitythe seventh…a no centre…where the state of experiencinghas drowned into a pure witnessnothingness…the void 9
  • i went deeper and deeper diving into mysteries that were opening to meand bhagwan appears again and again to bless memysteriously and mischievously hovering over me to see if i am alertand i can feel his silent presencehis humour and lightness make me giggle and laugh with delighti am lightening up…a new sense of humour growing in mei begin to see the absurdities of human naturethe simplicity and beauty of all that surrounds mehis eye sees allthis is an open sky i am living underbhagwan understands deeply my right to total privacyand i was beginning to learn to regard others privacyin my psychic experiences of others who came in front of mei remained silent to whatever i sawand never judged anyonebhagwan has immense regard for individual freedomfreedom is his golden keyif i want to be unconscious it is my freedomi can grow at my own relaxed paceno rush…no hurry to dive hara kiri method anymorejust relax and enjoy the breezethe journey is the goalinfact there is no goaljust the sheer beauty of the journey itselfmy inner guilt and pain of gautama the buddha descent evaporatei am being lovingly and compassionately guided by bhagwanhis wisdom and clarity of understandinghe is healing me with his loving touch 98
  • understanding bhagwans method of instant enlightenmentor the schools of gradual enlightenmentit is clear that bhagwan is perfectly rightthat enlightenment is suddenwithout this first sudden experience of superconsciousnessnothing is possibleand thereaftera gradual awakening of superconsciousness to cosmic consciousnessdissolving into the final statethe gradual method of enlightenment is simply ridiculousa postponementone simply remains in the shell forevermy understanding of sannyasins was deep and clearthat there were six billion people on this planet earthjust one million were his disciplesthat bhagwan had chosen his discipleshe knew each sannyasins potentialityhis vast vision saw far far aheadthat these brave and rare individualshave each in their own way broken away from the mouldsuffering isolation from family friends and society…financial difficultiesthat they were all here for the love of bhagwanhad the courage to fall at his feet and take sannyasthey had earned my love respect and gratitudei would judge them to be my loving friends and fellow travellers 99
  • bhagwan begins to watch me closelyi am aware of his insights of the possible pitfallsthat perhaps i will now grow my spiritual egoi now know bhagwan can look into my beinghe knows all the spiritual possibilities that are present in mebut the mind…the human ego and will to powerthat was another matterit was all a matter of individual conditioning…individual attitudesthat anyone could decide when to turn and declare enlightenmentthis was my freedom for the mind to play gamesor the fear to stop going deeper and declare the experiencethe ego knows how to hide deep in the basement of the unconsciousi was awareand aware of his concern for my completionthis is his compassion to guard me closely and guide me lovinglyi was becoming a mature devoteei was in love with bhagwani had completely forgotten and dropped my enlightenmentthere was more to dive into…there was more to rediscoveri was under his wings warm and cosymy love for him was far greateri was another mahakashyap to be
  • i went deeper into the black hole this was the final frontier searching the ultimate truth what is omnipotent…omnipresent…omniscient indestructible…pervades all…knows all no taste…no smell…no touch…no sound…no sightcannot be created was always present…nor destroyed will always remain beyond space…beyond time fathomless…immeasurable has its own source of light…eternal the black hole…was the unknowable…the ultimate mystery i had begun understanding what had happened light can only be perceived from the dark the experience of an atomic explosion of light light exploding everywhere was seen from within the black hole the inner experience black…the outer experience light nirvana…the cessation of the flame…the outer the eternal flame the black hole…the very inner core of being 101
  • my sister shona and her husband ramesh arrive in bombayfrom hongkong for a wedding and are all staying at the taj mahal hoteli am asked to meet them therei had come to poona with just leftover money which had finished by nowi owned only one robe which i washed daily…hang dried and worewhich had become very faded and transparenti loved this robe as it had become soft and powder likemy samadhi robe was priceless to methe bata slippers thin and worn outi was not aware of my poor outer appearancei entered the taj hotel to be asked to meet the manager in the lobbyhe asked me to sit and enquired why i had come to the hoteli asked him why this questioni could go to the restaurant or the coffee shop or whereverwhat was his reason for this strange questionit then dawned upon me he was thinking i was a beggarhe saw my mannerisms and heard me speak fluent english and was silenti said that i had come to meet my sister and family staying at the tajwho were they he asked and i said shona and ramesh jhunjhunwalahis mouth opened in shock… suddenly becoming polite and welcomingthe jhunjhunwala family…shona is your sister 102
  • he dialled their room and soon shona rushed to the lobbyupon seeing me she was in tears…what have you done to yourselfwhat happened to your clothes…you have become so thin…impoverishedi looked at my sister…in diamonds and expensive wedding clothesi told her i felt ashamed as in my eyes she appeared poor and i a rich manthe manager stared at us both…what a world this waswhat a strange brother and sister…such a contrastin the middle of the taj mahal hotelshe gave me enough money so that i could manage the next few monthsit was strange to meet my sister and her family in these new circumstancesand i left for poona without attending the weddingone month had passed…i could hear him callthis was to be my way with bhagwan from now onwardstwenty one days prepare deeplyseven days go on a liquid dietpeak and see bhagwan on the full moon nighthis name bhagwan shree rajneesh and my name rajneeshtruth has a beauty…a poetry…gracethe full moon meeting the crescent mooni decided to go to bombayi remember reaching 16 septemberhe is speaking and i went to arrange the week passthen strangely on 1 he again goes into silence18 is the full moonhe begins again…great…my first full moon darshanmy path of devotion is growing deeperhis dancing arrivals reveal more to mehe is happy with my progressmy silence and focus on the truth and reachingi am steady and mature…able to keep the great secret 10
  • much more remains unsaidthan can ever be saidthe mysterious universe of a master and disciple relationshipas the disciple grows…the master revealsit is an endless journey…a beginning with no endgrowing deeper and deeper…vaster and vasterthe master is willing to go all the wayhe is already open and knows infinitely morethe disciple has to remain open…surrendered and vunerablealways open to all and everything…never deciding where is the endthere is more as each horizon is crossedinfinitely more possibilities haiku rajneesh 1986 all night no sleep on moonbeams a vibrant ecstasy heart vibrating ecstasy echoes the silence ! an overflowing heart cry crickets into the nightfall daylight explodes a heart dancing million goldbeams echo ecstasy !
  • under a lemon tree a heart… the sky !! the moon above hovering beneath… the heart a skyfrom across the seas the master descended… morning dewdrops !! dewdrops on petals the heart opened ! teardrops smiling a cup of teaa rainfall of tears laughter a thunder it’s the mystic rose !! haiku rajneesh 1986
  • 2500 years maitreya herenowbhagwan has started the rajneesh upanishadsitting at the feet of the masterthese discourses are soon to become a new phasei can understand where they are going to leadmysteries upon mysteries to be revealed in these discoursesknowingly i remain in bombay for this weekthe secret door opens through govind siddharthsome part of the whole experience i had undergone that july nightrevealed in his question like declarationit was also my experience that nightso i realise he has seen the second halfhe has not seen me…and the strugglethis part is obscured from his vision and realisation
  • i hear bhagwan sayit has not only happened to you alonethat there are two more persons present hereto whom the same experience has happened at the same timethat they are also hesitating whether to declare it or nottheir hesitation is natural because the declaration is so bigone feels so small but it cannot be kept with youlike a pregnant woman how long could she hide her pregnancythat one day she is going to give birth to a childthat one feels embarrassed on how to say itand that too to say it in a world which is scepticalwhere people are deaf as far as truth is concernedin a world where people are blind as far as beauty is concernedwhere people dont have hearts as far as feeling sensitivity is concernedthat one felt alone to declare such a thingbut that it is not out of ego…one cannot declare such a thing out of egobecause the ego feels embarrassed and does not like to feel embarrassedit is out of humbleness that one declares such an experienceand again i hear him sayhe was waiting…who out of these three persons was going to declare it firstgovind siddharth had proved really humble courageouswhatever he was saying…he has seen it not in sleep…not in dreamit was true that j krishnamurti was prepared for exactly this phenomenongautam buddha had promised that after 25 centuries he would comeas lord maitreya…maitreya means the friendteasingly i hear him saythat govind siddharths difficulty was that he could not keep it a secretthat one of the most difficult things in the world was to keep a secretand that too such a secretand yet again i hear him teasethat there were two more persons present hereand if they gathered courage…their questions will be coming…if they couldnot gather courage then they would always remain burdened with a secreti freeze into a cold sweat when i hear these wordsis he asking me to come forward in the same wayby this way of strange question type declarationit would be like asking for a certificate…beginning of a spiritual ego trip 10
  • outside sumila i can see sannyasins gather around govind siddharthreverently bowing to himi find it beautiful and also want to bow to him and acknowledge his visionbut the crowd was too muchi knew his eye had opened…that he had seen part of this great eventi did not want to be surrounded like thatit was simply not my way…not the way i amalways guarding my privacy and valuing my total alonenessi hate people bowing and touching my feetfor me it is crystal clear that bhagwan has only statedthat govind siddharth has reached the point of enlightenmentit was not enough according to my understandingreaching the point of enlightenmentwas just the very beginning of the journeyand these were my exact same wordswhen privately asked about govind siddharths experience those daysi remained silentand continued to follow the revelations that were pouring out of himin more and more questions…it was becoming a storyi return to poona excited but silenti knew that a tremendous new movement was on the verge of explodingi predict that bhagwan will soon return to poona
  • i see that bhagwan is teasing me with his humourin a way testing my mettle and watching if i will fall into his trapsand can really keep the secretthis will prove my true intentionshe has thrown the gauntlet…the ball is in my court…will i take the baitmy love for bhagwan was greater than my small glimpse of enlightenmenteven the descent of gautam the buddha was not going to be revealed by mei know how to keep a secreti have said then and i repeat…i was to be a mahakashyapand sadly soon i hear bhagwan say a few months laterthat few months ago in bombay that govind siddharth had a visionof gautam buddhas soul searching for a bodyhe saw in his vision bhagwans had become a vehicle for gautam buddhaand he was right…but it is the misfortune of manthat one could go wrong even though one had touched a point of rightnessbecause bhagwan had declared him enlightened he had disappearedand since then was not seen againperhaps he thought…what is the use nowi was searching for enlightenment and i have found itbhagwan says enlightment is only the beginning and not the endthat he had come very close and has now gone very far awayi had come to hear that govind siddharth had become a mastersoon his ego was to create even deeper pitfallsand utterly destroyed even his simple disciplehoodwhat a sad calamity i saw in thisa day of immense pain…a pity…he deserved more 109
  • i did not ever want to fall into this trapi would have to kill myself…take rebirth if it happened to methe first experience of enlightenmentallows the initial opening of these multidimensional layersthat these layers for the first time become availablethat one needs to dive deeper into each layerand absorb each of its dimensionsthat it would take five or six such explosionsor samadhi states to absorb and dissolve layer by layerand gradually complete the entire journeydissolving into iti just drowned deeper and deepermy daily activities continued to find deep changesmy physical movements and simple day to day actionswere becoming more gracefuli stopped doing meditations…meditativeness became my lifea relaxed watchful awareness took over my every footstepmy every gesture my every look my way of standing my wayof sitting washing the dishes taking a bath brushing my teethzen is a living experience…a way of living meditativelythere is no such thing as meditation for meonly meditativeness existsi poured all my awareness into these simple daily activitiesand slept as much as possible…in a pitch black roomi knew i was awaiting the black hole againto become familiar with the blackness of the nighti became a night watchermy walking in zen and sitting in zenstarted to illuminate all around me 110
  • now i had passed through the door of secrets with bhagwanbhagwan astrally visits me more and more ofteni begin to learn of his ways of secret transmissionhis silent and secret methods of workingi was to allow him as much access to my physical bodycreate situations comfortable for him to enter and work on methere was another secret i was growing and falling intothis was in the way i walkedmy past life vipassana channels and pathways were openthese vertical channels easily accessible by any living masterhence gautam buddha had found me to bea suitable match as his vehiclebhagwan always walked in a certain wayhis kundalini waved and moved at far greater height than minewas far vaster and wider and taller and deeperbhagwan could easily accelerate my growthif i was to fall in tune with his vertical alignmentso i began walking into deeper watershand in hand with himstep by step…vertical wave by vertical wavei was slowly merging into his channelsrevealing to me heights upon heightsi was carrying his divine flame…he was dancing with metears fall short to express these divine momentsthe functioning of the mystery school was open for mei became part of his secret mystery school 111
  • the sky showering diamonds see !! sky showering diamonds upon you ! rainfall yesterday showering gratitude in silenceit rained yesterday silence teardrops of silence in gratitude diamonds it rained yesterday rained yesterday you see ? upon you diamonds a rainfall yesterday !! haiku rajneesh 1986
  • haiku rajneesh 1986 fragrance arising silences deeper disappear !! eagle soaring horizon sky within flowers blossomingon floating footsteps a gentle smile rose in hand !! ….dissolved just a rose arising fragrance !!
  • i shall be the first person in the world to declareand to reveal the true meaning of bhagwans statementthat he has gone beyond enlightenmentthis is a revolutionary statementthe very first time bhagwan uttered such an unusual declarationpeople took it for its poetic valueno such poetic licence for bhagwanit was a factual declarationan actual event that took placebhagwan the greatest gambler…playing with his lifealways walking on the razors edge high in the skyhas decided to go a step furtherwhere no living buddha had ever gone to beforeno buddha had transferred his astral bodyto his disciple while living in the bodyto transfer his astral bodyhis physical body was to remain unprotected…vulnerablehis body was already very sensitive and fragilethis transfer was extremely radical and very dangerousi understood it at oncei began to carry him with utmost care and consciousnessthese experiences are so vast that i cannot contain them in a single bookthey are my greatest living experiences with himand they have grown into deeper and vaster realms of consciousnessi remained unmoving and did not go to see him again in bombayi was moving secretly into his new dimensionsnot to risk my body in movement or traveli was to remain in silence in poonai knew he was preparing to move to poonaand so it happened4 january 198 bhagwan arrives at the poona ashram 114
  • o great white swanwe all awaited his convoy of carssecretly from bombay in the middle of the nightsannyasins dancing and singing…thronged the gate lined up to lao tzuwaiting and waiting…dancing and celebratingabout 2 am he arrived waving to all dancing from withinheaven in the back seat of his rolls roycewhat a great fortune…my beloved master back in poonabhagwan is at his peak againdancing his way in every morning…totally in his elementyou could see him exploding with his arms…high into the skysubmerging the entire chuang tzu auditoriuminto a dazzling spectacle of his flightsthe gentle soft gigglea secret in his smiling eyes
  • higher and higher…higher and higher bhagwansongs of love pouring into his arrivalstaking us deeper into our beingwaves are coming in waves are coming insannyasins were in ecstasy…they were in love againtheir eyes glistening with joy and gratitudethe buddhafield had caught fire againsomething new was in the airbhagwan speaking on the arrival of the new man on this planet earththe new man is on the horizonthe golden future…the rebel…the new dawnthe whole buddhafield was chargedand awaiting the birth of the new mani knew…and danced with himwho was dancing…was it me dancing…or was it him dancing methe dancer lost the dance remainedbhagwan rajneesh master of masters an iconic wizarda new man…rajneesh…maitreya the friend…on the horizonhis wisdom and agemy youth and childlikenesstogether working as onei will protect his body and the buddhafield with my youthhe will guide me with his infinite experience and wisdomwe are waiting for the moment this will become revealed to the worldwhat an explosive storyit was a possible reality i could foreseea chain reaction that would trigger a vaster new phenomenonmany sannyasins becoming enlightenedpopping out everywherewe needed one hundred buddhas…urgentlyto fill the collective superconsciousness with light 116
  • bhagwans arrival brought his entire close circle of sannyasins with himi had only read about them up till nowand imagined many to be secretly enlightenedi read heart rending remarkable storiesof the heights of great disciples of masters such as buddhai was dreaming i would see and walk amongst luminous beingsmany of these fortunate sannyasins had the honour and privilegeto sit at bhagwans feet for twelve to fifteen yearsi was in awe of them and began looking at them with wondering eyesand passed by them with folded hands in an inner bowi wished i had their good fortune of being near his physical presencejust my reverence toward many of whom i had not come to knowdrew anger from them…was this a strange bad dreami wish them all my love and his blessingsthat they awaken one day to their buddhahoodi was being watchedby bhagwanbut now also closely by every sannyasinwalking slowly through the ashraminnocently and weightlesslygliding effortlessly bywith a knowing and loving smile 11
  • the jealousy and the ego of people in powerthey started to spread rumours and lies about mepoisoning the air around mei was being attacked by allby words by their emotional discharges and by their actionsjudgments about me were flying all aroundthat i think that i am a masterthat i think that i am enlightenedthat i was pretending to be enlightenedthat i was imitating the masterthat i was spreading negative and bad energythat i was trapping people into my liesthat i was just seeking their attentionthat i was a great pretenderthat i was bhagwan the 2nd wannabei could understand their suspicionsi was hiding something…that was certainthat i was enlightened…that i secretly already knewthat i was reflecting the master…that too i could understandthat i was pretending to be the master…i was aware i was carrying himtheir judgements and their intense drive to have it known by all around mejust amazed meit reassured me that i was on the right pathand this was their way of giving me a certificatei was calmly and easily moving towards my buddhahoodi could easily absorb all their negative arrowsi had compassion for my fellow travellersthey must be in pain for not reaching…creating jealousyhow painful it was for them to see me walk gently byi felt immense compassion for themthese few months twenty thousand sannyasins must have passed by meimitating the way i walkedthe buzz about me grew daily…it was all fine by mei needed to learn to absorb and handle these small exchanges 118
  • had they not spread such vicious rumoursit would have been a real surprise for mei knew they were actually beginning to understand methat they were reacting to the light they saw around mebut their ego was hurtthis was a simple matter…not rocket sciencein just a matter of time they would soon understandi was giggling insidei was beginning to gain a sense of humour in all thisi began to love them moreand smiled and waved lovingly to anyone abusing me 119
  • i remember one such glorious dayi walked into the gates 2.0 afternoon at my usual timeand saw a trail of about forty sannyasins follow and imitate my walkclosely behind me…it was hilarious for me…but serious for themthey were told to imitate me…to humiliate me…by their vipassana therapistby walking slowly behind me in open view of all the sannyasinsto keep trailing me wherever i went and not to leave me alonetill i was angry or humiliated or ran away or something drastic happenedi watched all these sannyasins trail near the gate and pass near thekrishna house office where the ones in power sat watching everybodyit was so beautiful for me…to see forty or so sannyasins walking slowlythey had now found their matchi just smiled inside and continued ignoring themthey huffed and puffed behind me to make me get their attentioni knew their game and continued walking…ignoring them laughing insidesoon i came to the waterfallwhere i paused and remained still admiring the beauty and taking it all inclosed my eyes to hear the sound of the running waterthey would soon get bored and would perhaps move onbut they were told to follow me at all costsso the all paused and stood stilli knew i had got them now…they were trappednow i could do whatever i wanted and they would have to followaha…great…zen master rajneeshshow them the way of zenit was my lucky daya crowd of sixty or so sannyasins gatheredwatching these forty behind me looking stupidplay out these moments of battle with awarenessi remained still…began to see them all get restlessthis was not part of their instructionsbeginning to see their defeat…i wanted this story to continueso i moved on slowly again not to lose themslowly slowly i continued forward till i reached the end where the pathleads up the rocks onto the waterfalli gently turned left…the path was narrowall forty would now have to encounter me on the turnwhat a joy…i had them trapped 120
  • i continued walking silently…saw them all hesitate whether to follow or notthe first few continued and like a group of monkeys the rest tried to followbut they were too many in a line…the area was narrowonly a few could move and have enough space to turnwith the people from behind clashing into themaha aha…now what are they going to doso i climbed a rock up to the waterfall…looked at them all belowthey were numb and dumb…confounded with their next movei laughed…hey you monkeys…follow me as you have been toldjust follow me exactly…up the rock and down this trailwow…they all just dispersed like flies…looking at each otherand the whole ashram was watching their defeatcome on come on i repeated gentlycome on come on…you cannot give up so easilywalking like me…atleast walk correctlywait for me…i will now lead you into walking againwait for me…i must show you how to walk and imitate me correctlywait for me…wait for methey all ran away 121
  • one against fortythe vipassana therapist had asked for it…disgraced by her own peoplemy vipassana walk was the focus of all aroundand has been since the very first day i camethis therapist always exhibited her dislike being vocal against meshe was constantly questioned in every vipassana group about meshe was a well known therapist and of course had to have all the answersthe infallible pope of the vipassana kingdom in poona ashramshe viciously spread her opinion that i was clearly derangedand was an attention seekerthat i was not in the state of vipassana but was of very low energyjust walking about like a dead zombiethat i was an indian who was sexually repressedand that her reading about me was i was completely frozenand sexually blocked hence my slow walkingthat persons like me emanated bad and low energyand that i sucked others energy like a vampireand to keep a great distance from my aurai saw vipassana students always look awayand move in different directions wherever i wentand the word spread like a diseasei was to be treated like a leper…an outcasti heard about her judgementsthat were passed on to the other almighty mini guru therapistsand soon i was in the newsit was spread to all and every newcomer to keep away from meon yet another walk through the ashram the same therapist stopped meand shouted out to me that i was sick and needed to get a mental checkupand to stop pretending and to walk normallyi smiled asking how she was speedily running around whenever i saw hershe retorted that she was authorised by bhagwan to teach vipassanashe could remain alert while walking fast or even runningthat slow walking was just for teaching the methodthe method had to be dropped and after mastering one could do anythingshe knew it all 122
  • so i jokingly asked her…what about bhagwan walking slowlyshe said who was i to even speak about bhagwanand that i would be reported to the ashram to be bannedother than her i was aware of each source of these false rumoursspreading as they inevitably reached back to meone day while i was in line for buddha hall evening meetingi was aggressively approached by a german womanwho asked me to keep away from walking anywhere close to hershe sternly lectured me about the problems that i hadand that i was sucking the buddhafieldover a hundred sannyasins were witnessing her brutal verbal attackthe line slowly receded away from mei could handle these situations as long as it was verbal it was finethere was a simple frail bespectacled woman in poona those dayswho also got into trouble for walking slowlyshe had to distance herself from me to save herself being stigmatisedthe same aggressive german woman shoutedthat i was a sexually repressed indian and had done my chakra readingthat the answer for me was to f… this thin bespectacled womanwho also walked slowlyeveryone was laughing…it was great entertainment for themfor the very first time i was sadreally not for myself as i could easily defend myselfbut hurt to see that they had attacked this simple innocent womanand began to keep a great distance from her just to protect herthis became my new way distancing myself from peopleyoung new people arriving everyday were immediately attracted to mei would ask them to keep silent and remain away from meas i knew that in just a day or so they would be poisoned about meand would turn their back against me as if i was misguiding themi kept away from all…sannyasins or non sannyasinsi was being isolated by those who wanted me brokenwho wanted to clip my wings…to try and hurt or destroy me 12
  • this was the daily news for me…my daily breadattacked by over one thousand sannyasins in some manner or otherthe very few who loved me soon became afraid to be seen near meas they would soon be isolated from the crowdmy dinners saw immense silencewhichever table i moved towards was emptied out and clearedthe pathways were clear as wherever i walked people moved awayi loved this show…they were making way for an emperorthese days saw a few violent and physical attacks on meon one occasion i was physically pushed to make me walk and move faston another picked up and violently thrown on the groundanother hit on the head to say that i needed a zen stickanother strong armed and shaken to get me out of my mind trippushed into the pool…and i do not know how to swimthese attacks were talked about amongst sannyasinsand more started to take advantage of my silencei was considered a fun target…i was dead and seriousand seriousness was a sickness in bhagwans visioni was simply moving in awarenessand my facial expressions were of detached awarenessthe theatre group in the ashram made a comical satire play about mewalking slowly pretending to be bhagwan and being enlightenedwatched by hundreds of laughing people…life was a joke…life was laughterand non seriousness…i was target for their spriritual entertainmentthis story went on forever… new rumours…everyday saw new attacksnew enemies…it was becoming boring for me…if they attacked meatleast bring a good argument or debate against me even oncethey simply came…said whatever…and rannot even looking into my eyesego…jealousy and now cowardiceno wonder we are where we are 125
  • thorns and rosesi was walking in a battlefield not a buddhafieldi accepted even this as it made me extremely alertand i had to move and walk with heightened alertnessand become alert and aware of anyone coming into my aura fieldit reminded me of my childhood kung fu trainingand the great kung fu moviesremembering the master who trained his disciple with a real naked swordinto awareness even when sleeping in the nightfor me everything had to be used positivelyit was a training in awarenessand i thanked them for their free lessonsi had a long moustacheand the few people who loved me called me fu manchuand knew of my kung fu like zen humour
  • the highly qualified therapistswere spreading bhagwans work…training millions who seek truthwhile charging thousands of dollars for groupsthe infallible mini guru therapistsand psychic readers who are sensitive and loving channels of bhagwantheir unanimous readings into my indian sexual repressionsi am with bhagwan since i was nineteen years of agei never came to bhagwan to pick on easy sexual targetsmisusing his vision of sexual freedom and breaking taboosi was here with bhagwan purely for my inner growthhis passionate drive for awakening human consciousnessand my pure and total love for himjust my love for him held me herei was willing even for the sake of my so called sexual repressionto forgo my sexual drive and focus on the higher callingi was born into fame and fortune which i had left as a teenagermy mother vimi was one of the most famous actresses in bollywoodmy father shivraj famously from a wealthy industrial familybollywood in the seventies was a totally different phenomenonmovie stars were demi gods worshipped and idolised by the indian massesall my teenage friends were children of movie starsor children of renowned industrial houseswho today are famous stars or recognised in some industry or anothermy teenage years saw throngs of wannabe film starletsand the most beautiful young girls rushed towards our bollywood partiesi need not say more…but those years saw more sexual freedomthan most of the free sexual lifestyles of my western fellow travellersi have always been notoriousand surrounded by the most beautiful womenparticularly due to my free spirit and rebellious naturemy utter disobedience to eldersand complete disregard for conventions of this mediocre societyi was always regarded as a rebellious spirita rebel by all the girls i knew which they found attractive and desirable 12
  • i was too engrossed in my inner journeyto move into relationships in the poona ashramthere was an extremely beautiful american girland as i was to find out later a model from the ford agency in new yorkshe had come to the ashram…and saw me walking slowlykept looking at me for several days and tried approaching me to say helloi was in silence at that timeespecially due to the continuous harassment i faced daily from sannyasinsand ignored her…she continued to look at me and one evening followedme to discover that i stayed next door at sunderbanshe moved into the same hotel and stayed two monthsi always saw her sitting on the balcony looking at meand she began trying to make conversation with meshe refused to hear that i was in silence and was deeply into meditationshe explained that she had stopped going to the ashramas she was always sexually harassed there and that every man was tryingto meet her and get her to bedthat she was a model in new york and was fed up with men only wantingher sexually and that i was the only one who had left her aloneshe found me to be silent and sensitive and wanted to be close to meshe was beautiful…i understood her story and appreciated her franknessshe was funny and full of humourextremely intelligent with a vast experience of travel and of the worldher being close to me soon saw her walking slowly and gracefullyand some new space began to take her overthe ashram big guys who were after her became more infuriated with meand were shocked that i now had a girlfriendi was grateful to her for the short relationshipas it helped me change my image of holiness and celibacyto one of humanness and wholenessi was celibate throughout these daysthough i would factually statethat i was a celebrant rather that a celibatemy past life tibetan tantra experiences reawakened in meand many past windows became alive again 128
  • this same time the ashram was attempting to buy the sunderban hotelthe owner mr talera had grown to love meand always stopped to greet me whenever he camehe found me unusual and always commented on my dedicated natureand my sincerity on the pathhe had rented me the room fourteen months ago at only 1200 rupeesmonthly and allowed me to stay there at the same pricewhereas with bhagwan back the rooms went for 9000 rupees monthlythe ashram management made it clear to all sannyasins staying thereto boycott the hotel as talera was not agreeing to sell it at their offered priceas i was told by talera they had threatened to shut down his hoteltalera was a very simple man…he had many such propertiesand was actually offended by the aggressive manner the offer was madeand when talera made his offer the management immediately rejectedthe price with threats of shutting down his businesshe confided in me that he was shocked at the dirty arm twisting tacticsthe ashram management made in their attempted buy outduring these days i was informed by the ashram officethat i was ordered to leave the hotel that same day or face banningi promised that i would find another room somewhere in a few daysto which they retorted that i had only one day and that was thatnegative no sayers were not tolerated here 129
  • the next few days i went looking around for a roomin places and areas where sannyasins stayedlakshmi villas rooms were not given to indiansanother area near riverside again no rooms and this went on and oni found a small hut area where an indian sannyasin rented roomswhere i was violently told they were against me and did not wantmy bad energy to be there…i was not able to locate another roomfor atleast six days and had to meanwhile stay in sunderbani was stopped at the gate and called to a meetingtold i had received their warning to leave sunderbanwhich i had disobeyed and was banned from the ashrami pleaded that i had been searching for the past six days and unableto find a room to which they said that it was my problemthat i was not with bhagwan and his wishes and not to come backthat i was given my chance and it was overi could speak a book on just the shocking encountersand horrific experience i have gone through with sannyasinsespecially the ones who were closest to himbut abstain as i accept them just the way they arethey will only reap what they sowthey have this much freedom as far as i am concernedthe freedom to create or destroy themselvesbut not the freedom to destroy othersthis is trespassing into the sacred fire of the otherand his inner spiritual journeybhagwan has repeated many many timesdo not interfere into anyones freedomand do not allow anyone to interfere with your freedomi see the second to be more important todayto allow others to interfere with your freedomis to be a passive participantto watch others bully an innocent person and remain silentis to directly participate in the crimethat power corrupts and total power corrupts totallythe powerful dominate by banning those they cannot controlmake them live in fear of banning so they become obedient slaves 10
  • banning sannyasins is the dirtiest and lowest form of blackmailthe sannyasin is vulnerablesimply because he does not want to leave the presence of bhagwanthey are playing with his love for bhagwanusing this as a tool against himhow much lower can one stoopi was banned and blacklisted and already had enough of my dailyencounters with this ashram and decided to leave poona soonbanned i continued to live in sunderbanto find out one morning that there was to be another meeting withtalera and the ashram managementtalera called me as i was the only sannyasin staying onand discussed with me…that he felt angry nowthey had seemingly won the battle by cutting off his hotel incomeand told me they now felt they could buy him out at a low pricei saw all this did not fit with bhagwan and his compassionate waythis was blackmail and bullyingusing power and muscle to push out the weakerthough i had nothing to gain from either sidei was with talera and ashamed the ashram was using dirty methodsif they used their power and financial blackmail to push talera outwhere lay the difference when the american politicians pushedbhagwan out…the same dirty politics as far as i was concernedthis was shameful in my eyesand i knew that a buddha would never behave in such ugly mannerin my eyes the ashram management was blackeningthe face of bhagwan and his message of love and compassiontalera and i agreed that if they began their meetingwith softness and consideration he would agree to sellif they started with aggression he would refusethis was our secret understandingwe were waiting and watching 11
  • the whole deal would hinge on thisfive people arrived…angry to see me sitting with talerathey felt their boycott had made him more agreeableand were arrogant in their approach to himtalera refused to sell…not even for double the priceand this was the end of their meeting…talera would not budgethey could boycott the hoteland till today the hotel stands as his propertyto me even to this day i consider that i upheld my masters faceand my intervention will one day be understood as being on the patha rebellious spirit…truth and justice comes firsteven if i have to fight my own people…truth stands abovebhagwan blessed me and saw my victoryi was being prepared to face and challengethe countless more powerful bullies that i would soon meetwhen i took his flame into the worldi have never respected nor surrendered to power and dominationi bow and surrender only to love and compassioni returned my sannyas with a note sayingthat i was to remain alone on the pathand forever his devoteethe next few days i was met with a serious threatwhile walking on the ashram street at night a sannyasin manrushed towards me showing me a knife with threats to have me finishedthat i was given notice to leave poona or would be taken care ofthat they would break my bones…my legsnow they had challenged my spiriti was planning to leave poonabut now it was a completely different matteri never leave under any threatand now decided to stay and see what they could do 12
  • the lions roari dislike threats and more so from ones who are meant to be on the pathfrom a proclaimed disciple of bhagwanwhom i know to be the greatest buddha who ever walked the earthcan you imagine the two worlds i was seeing simultaneouslyhorrific…if this word fits the descriptioni had already read the book years of awakening of j krishnamurtibut without deeply considering his approachi now became interested in reading more on j krishnamurti and his lifeand why there was a conflict between his ideas on mastersa whole new chapter opened which i had previously ignoredi was completely with bhagwannothing would ever shake my love for himi just began to question his completely open approach
  • i wanted to understand more deeplythe dynamics of master versus no masterand how complicated it is to transmit truth to an unconscious humanityi knew that bhagwan had no choicehe already understood all the repercussions of spreading the truthhe himself was a targetbut i needed to understand the complex situation ofan individual versus the crowd in a commune situation with a living masteri knew bhagwan was closely watching my growth and wanted meto study all the implications and absorb more into my understandinguntil now i was doting on him like a childi needed more understanding with a calm balanced vision in front of mei began to appreciate j krishnamurti more and morehis absolutely keen sense of observation and his clinical approachbhagwan always said that we were part of the worldthat his commune was just an experimenthe had never stated that his people had become enlightenedthey were as unconscious as the rest of the worldthe rest of the world where ignorance is blisshere where bliss is not in ignorancethe world and its ways are simple and easy to deal withjust daily activities and living on the surfacehere one was vulnerable experimenting with psychic energieswith complex inner mechanisms of the unexplored mind and no mindwhere high voltage energy situations demandedexperience and careful growth and guidancewhere great awareness was needed the higher one wentwhere one had to be extremely careful of ones actionswe were playing with fire…invisible threads of vertical firesannyasins were not enlightened…that i now understoodbut my new questions were on why they were not enlightenedwas it possible that the ones who could reach would be destroyed 14
  • my focal point of this enquirywhich became the most burning questionand an equation which i needed to understandfor this was exactly what j krishnamurti fought againststating that the crowd always destroyed the individualthat all organisations cripple and ultimately destroy the individualit was clear that krishnamurti was remarkably sharpand had complete vision in this particular matter and was totally correctwhereas bhagwan with his open free vision gamblesthat the buddhafield would take care of these mattersbhagwan was also watching these new developmentshe was deeply saddened and began to see that his people were failing himi was his living experiment…i was walking with him floating over mehe was testing his own people against my mirrorthis was the realityi am declaring it for all to read and knowthat bhagwan was watching how you behaved with a buddhahis buddha carrying his flamecarrying bhagwan himselfwhatever i am stating here is to help you walk the path 15
  • i am revealing just the tip of the icebergthat i can express or which i wish to make knowncertain secrets are like giving a naked sword into the hands of a childi begin to see many dangers that were looming on the horizonby using powerful methods of awakeningsannyasins released into the buddhafield this vertical fireand were immature in their use of these powersand had no stillness nor awarenessof this fire and its effectsi do not wish to scare but have been witness to these effectsit was going to happen…the very worst was to happenbanned and staying in sunderbanthe hotel fence just a few metres behind budda hall podiumand as bhagwan was speaking in chuang tzu every eveninghis discourses were transmitted live into buddha halland were clearly audible from my sittings behind the fencei sat every night to hear his discoursesi was eating my dinner at prems restaurant and as i walked very slowlyi made it a point to get up just before discourse ended and slowlyhead towards prems not to get entangled in the rush after discoursethe night it happenedas usual i was on my way when i was stopped by an indian sannyasinhe insisted that he would take me by motorbike and to hop oni hate bikes as they are uncomfortable to sit on in a robeand i loved to take my slow walk after discoursehe insisted again and again and i gave inhe took me there and he got off his bike on the streetwithout any warning suddenly hit me with an extremely violent forceon my face and continued to punch me on the groundthis sudden violent attack on my right jaw completely turned my neckwith a cracking sound in my skull and neck vertebraei flew diagonally backwards onto the ground and to save my falllanded on my left hand and heard a sound deep in my left shouldermy collar bone went into my neck and i felt my left shoulder blade hadcrushed into my spine and was dislocatedmy lungs were compressed and breathing was very painfulhe kicked my face and body asking me if i had learnt my lessongot on his bike and went away 16
  • i had blacked out and saw everything reel and spin aroundi lay on the ground unable to get upsuddenly i felt a great force just pick me upand i was standing without any effort on my parti know who has picked up my bodybut this attack was to have huge implications and repercussionsi went back to the hotel and got to hear that bhagwan hadinexplicably fallen sideways when standing from his chair after discourseand had stopped speakingit was sudden but i knew that dangers lay ahead for bhagwanand for me it was overi would not live long if this situation deteriorated furtheri stayed on in the sunderban for another two months to recoverbut began to realise that both bhagwan and i were in a gridlockcomplexities upon complexitiesi have revealed that bhagwan had already gone beyond enlightenmentthe implications were deathly for himlocked and entwined into an astral body and twisted togetherthe attack created many new complex spiritual and psychic situationsi knew both my physical and astral bodies had been severely damaged 1
  • there was huge physical damage in my left sidewhich turned and twisted my astral bodythe vertical alignment had been twisted into a corkscrewlocked into a gridlockwhich blocked the ida and the pingala channelsand the sushumna flow to my crownthe cosmic body had shifted its centre to the rightto adjust to the dislocation and imbalancemy ida was damagedand this gradually began to affect the pingalawhich in turn slowly closed the sushumna openingmy body started to adversely adjust to these new situationsthe cooling side closed downthe body started to heat up continuouslythe cool vapour that was constantly rising inside stoppedmy breathing became irregularmy left pulse weak and irregular stopping again and againand i feel my heart pinching each time it stopsthe right pulse is stronger and fastermy left eye dried up constantly and itchedand the right eye became red and always tearingmy left ear began to hear loud and shrill soundsand i was losing my sense of balancemy right ear felt blocked with loss of hearingi reeled into blackouts when turning to the leftslowly my third eye began to shut downwith throbbing pain in my right braini lost the experience of the vertical column
  • my left arm was beginning to get numbblack patches extended towards the fingers till a nail became blackmy left leg some dark patches started to show up signs of the damageand my walking centre shifted into a right balanceall these physical changes had begun to take placethese changes and process began showing upin the two or three months following the attacki knew exactly what was happening to mei knew exactly what was happening to bhagwanthere was still hopei had already reached the point of enlightenment eight months agohad seen and known the points of entry and exit of my bodybhagwan began a new phase of his emergency work on memy left channel was closed which blocked the descentspiral entry back into the bodyi was to remain absolutely still and dive into the death centreand in each dive into the hara…the body sensing deathwould immediately implode and try to re enter through the third eyeif i continued on this path…it would take a long timebut reverse healing and entry back into the body was possiblebhagwan is a warriori am a fighterlife is a riski never cry about what happened in the pastit has happened and cannot be reversedin adversity i fight backthis is my naturei cannot change it 19
  • together anything was possiblejust patience and deep healing work…the block could be liftedthe huge boulder upon my kundalini pushed out of the wayand the passage would be freed againwith this damaging physical and psychic accidenta ball of light suddenly descended over me one nighti had now grown to respect appreciate and deeply love j krishnamurtihis compassionate being glowed above meand for the first time he revealed himselfhe was one of the three beings floating above mein the july gautama the buddha descenthe was to become my guide and also compassionately to help me nowreading the above sounds absolutely mad and insanewhatever i am stating is for the seeker on the pathi can risk my reputation for these revelationsi have paid a heavier priceand do not want such accidents to ever happen again 140
  • that in the past seekers diving into these realms of experiencesleft the world into the mountains to complete their journey undisturbedand for the safety of their fragile physical conditionafter enlightenmentthe body and astral and cosmic alignments are only fragile threads of lightand the body becomes weaker and weaker as thegrip of the bodymind loses over the grip of the no mind hovering abovethe physical plane lets go for the astralthe astral lets go for the cosmicand ultimate dissolution into the infinite void of the cosmicone has to die to livei was visited by several masters all helping me in any way they couldone such visit surprised me the mostas i had no personal connection nor would ever have dreamtthat his grace the compassionate shirdi baba would come to bless mei remain his devotee and humbly bow to himjai divine shree shirdi baba 141
  • the nights saw huge sweatings and sleeplessnesstossing and turning left to right and left to rightsometimes a complete turnaround in violent seizuresthe kundalini was trying to open the doorsthe body adjusting step by stepthe deepest method was to die as deeply as possibleand go deeply into the back hole to healwhenever the body goes into deaththe door to the third eye opensto protect and bring the body to sudden shock and awakeningto keep the body alivethe death centre works as a door outwardthe third eye is a door inwardsthe third eye muscle relaxes and opens from withinand allows the entry backwards to complete the circledeath is the ultimate healerthis is always the last resort to open the ida channeland i already knew this secrettwo months of deep healing was in progressand working slowly it could take a yearmy cosmic body sphere embryo was also growing largersoon the opening would take placei was working both waysfrom the body upwards to the astraland the cosmic downwards through the astralbhagwan was amazed at my determination and admired my guts and focusthis was enough gift for methe hit had challenged me and my master was celebrating my strengththis was more than enlightenmentit was my victory in defeat tooeither way i was victorioushad i lost and diedbhagwan would give me my send offknowing a warrior had perished fighting 142
  • july celebrations were coming upmy first samadhisymbolic and of immense significance for methe new buddha hall was being prepared for bhagwanand i sent my humble request that i be allowed in only for that one daymasters day celebrations 11 july 198i could understand when the request was flatly refused with rebukei was their confirmed enemy…blacklisted and certified madso i looked at the positive sidebhagwan started to appear in the new buddha hall  july 198and as the fence was behind the podium i laughed at myselfand realised that i was standing right behind bhagwanonly about ten metres awayperhaps this was to be his gifti laughed at my stupidity to try going incelebrating and dancing madly when he came to the new buddha halljust metres behind himall the energy of thousands of sannyasins rushing towards himcould be felt like tidal waves from where i was dancingthank you all my beloved friendsi was receiving the flow waves upon waves upon wavesand bhagwan was dancing with delighti knew he knew that i knewcelebrations are comingjust live these moments and drown into themmy pain disappeared whenever he appearedfor the moment i had forgotten and celebrated his showeringthe air became silentand bhagwan began speakingi sat down on the grass and was lost in silencedrinking every word every silencetime was floating by 14
  • i opened my eyes to see angry gesturesthere were few guards now looking down at mefrom above the fence on the ashram sidefingers pointing harshly toward me in the garden of sunderbanit was my side of the fence and i was a resident herefingers wagging at mehey move away from there…move away from therei opened my eyes wide in surprisethis was not their propertyi was not their slave nor under their jurisdictionwho the f… were they thinking they werei cannot take bullshitthese guards were trying to threaten me on my side of the fencesaying hey you move away from there…hey you move away from therethis was the straw that broke the camels backi immediately stood up…drew in a deep breath…and began to fire themwith my voice as loud and clear as possibleso that all in the buddha hall and bhagwan could hear mewho the hell do you think you aredo you own this entire worldand what the hell do those people in power sitting in the front rows thinkthat the ashram is their private propertythat they now own and have purchased the buddhathat the buddha has now been sold to themthat bhagwan has become your puppet only for your daily entertainmentthe front row power trippers were my targetthey heard my every wordi know bhagwan was smiling
  • the ashram guards jumped the fence and were soon grabbing mei was still and calm in breath and smiling when they arrivedsaying to them just relax and be cooljust chill and enjoyas i had already said what i wanted to sayand that i do not repeat my golden wordsthey could see i was humorous and totally still of breathand laughing at their serious faceswhat could a single man do against four heavy set guardsso they all sat down in a ring around me…i was in a mood to be funny nowit looked so stupid…hilarious infact…four guards surrounding me in a circlei murmured to themyes just become still and silent…close your eyes and go ini had four personal bodyguards all for myselfit was strange for themuncomfortable suddenly seeing my humour and my jokesthey felt like disciples sitting around meand looking silly got up and left me aloneleaving only one guard throughout till the end of the discoursei closed my eyes and remained silent drinking every drop of bhagwandiscourse over…the dance began…i started dancingthe guard looking and smilingwhat a crazy guy i wasinnocent and crazy 145
  • the discourse overhundreds of sanyasins passed by the sunderban hotelall peeping over the fence to see who i wasoh it is that bhagwan the 2nd wannabe crazy guy who was shoutingi heard that a meeting was held with the guards and managementimmediately thereafter i was sent a messagethat i was to be allowed in and was not to be bannedthat bhagwan had said…the lions roarthe guard who gave me this message was surprisedthat they allowed me in…totally absurdi realised i was going to be looked at even more by everyonei had enough of staring and daily judgements of thousands of sannyasinsi simply bowed deeply to bhagwanpacked my bag and left that same daythis was not my place…not my space…too much controlthe crowd against an individuali was to move on…bhagwan or no bhagwan…truth or no truthi am not a puppet on a stringi do not go in like a puppet when allowed ini do not keep silent like a puppet when bannedi had my own freedom…my own birth…my own life…my own birthrightif it was to be it was to beif not then so be itqué será será 146
  • haiku rajneesh 1986 beyond the beyond within why sigh for the moon ? look within lo behold a gaze upon the moon ! dark clouds drifting into nightfall dissolve ! full moon night descends darkness clouds floating on silver !!as time seems to slip quietly by an ageless age whispers through immortality is the only truth one could know that silence and stillness of an opening bud in the early misty morning dew innocent to the beauty of it’s crimson red unfolding gently captivating the very heart of timelessness 14
  • ripples in a strange universethai airways became my favourite airlinejust because of the orchid they give to their women passengersi always ask for one for myselfand they always accede without any fussthis orchid always touches meit connects me with thai airlinesand the warm thai sawadika welcomethe maroon of the orchid and the airline catches my attentioni have left poona and am no longer a sannyasin wearing orangemy past tibetan life i was a lamawhere i wore this exact same marooni will now wear maroon and state that i am a tibetan seeker
  • i arrive back to hongkongatleast some normalcy nowno constant judgements and attacksthe world seems very friendly and warm towards mepeople look curiously at me but are kind and friendlymany asking me my experiences as a monknaive and inquisitive in their questions but extremely loving and consideratei am very happy to see my sister shona and her husband rameshi love his gentle mixed thai indian nature…his humbleness and goodnessand his real love for my sisteri love them dearly and their new born son tushari miss the greenery and the trees and naturethe tall towers of concrete make me feel out of placei have forgotten how to walk in normal surroundingsthe city makes me dizzy with its speed and rush all aroundevery passing vehicle makes me feel like i am spinningand i am always giddy and losing balancei have arrived with no money and no clothesjust the one faded and transparent robe…which my sister hatesand in a few days i find it missingas she had secretly thrown it away while i was sleepingi was angry with herthis robe was my samadhi robe and pricelessit was my first robe and i wanted to preserve it as a treasurewhat to do…the love of a sistershe only wants the best for meshe loves her brother and cannot see me this wayi now want to wear maroon robes i tell my sistershe also likes this colouratleast i do not look strange in maroon…more acceptable in hongkongmuch better than that bright orange hindu monk colour she saysso ok…we make four robes and these are my new tibetan robesboth shona and ramesh sit down to talk to me in earnestthey both want to help me get back into the worldlive my life normallyget married settle down and have children like themmama mia…where have i landed…out of the frying pan into the fire 149
  • i remain silent understanding their simple views of lifeatleast they genuinely love me…that was enoughi needed to feel and meet some real earthly peoplethey were here and i was thankful for thisi feel totally uselessmy slow bodily movements make me seem handicapped in the real worldi would need to find new ways of livingfind ways to make money and take time outto understand the balance of zorba and buddharamesh and shona are very kind and allow me to take my timebut in the meanwhile as my tourist visa would run out in three monthsmake arrangements to apply for a work permit in their companyi go to the doctor and get scannedto check on my head neck and spine damage from the violent hitthe scan shows the vertebrae intacti go to another doctor to discover dislocation in the shoulder bladewith heavy muscular tissue twisting in the upper torsothe blood sample taken from my left wrist makes me faint into a blackouti need to find deep tissue body work which i cannot afford in hongkongi decide that i love martial artsand to work upon my body myselfand take up the soft healing movement of tai chi chuani call upon master chen zhulin who asks me to meet himwhere he would decide if i would meet his criteria
  • master chen zhulin sixty five years of agefrom beijing university teaching tai chi chuan and now a famous masterthe very first moment he sees meis attracted to me asking me how i managed to walk the way i didi immediately realise that he had understood the depth of my walkthis slow duck like walk was that of a tai chi mastervertical height of awareness and perfect balancewithout any question he smilesand even agrees to give me private trainingand that too at the park next to estoril court apartment on garden roadmy sister agrees to arrange for expensive private lessonswhich he himself discounts for mehe said i was going to help him understand about the experiences i hadundergone and how i had arrived at this perfectioni was going to learn the ancient yang 108 long form of tai chi chuanhe was extremely surprised at my ability to grasp and understandspontaneously each movement that he was teachingand with his own interest sessions of one hour became two hours or morehe watched each tai chi form of mine with absolute interesthe was very humble and extremely frank with meand i saw him repeat each move again and again for himselfmany times laughing and saying that my form was perfectthat he was correcting his formalways saying…my old bad habit…my old bad habityou are correct…your are correct therethat my movements drew from the centre of the hara to the peripherythe movements i made were perfect and flowingthe inner wheel was a circle…hence the grace 151
  • movement without effortmotion without motioneffortlessly floating and unhinderedi was working on my learning each of the 108 formsand joining them together with such fervour that i completed the coursein forty days and remembered each move without any breaki was practising the tai chi moves for three hours everydayand one hour after dinner in the nighti was enjoying the garden road park and its beautythe cascading waterfalls and empty spacesthe flamingos the exotic birds and the animalsmy entire tai chi form from beginning to end lasted forty five minutesand soon chinese tai chi experts and local chinese were cominginto this isolated park to watch me play tai chieven residents from the building started watching with interestsoon i was helping him to teach other students of histaking his classes when he claimed he was tiredand later got to understand that he was just wanting meto gain confidence in myself by teaching his students sayingthat i always ignored my own strengths and should begin to express myselfmore to people and communicate my understanding more freelystrangely this same year it was announced that tai chi would becomepart of the asian games and he wanted me to enter the competitionsaying he bet on a medal for meand i was the best he ever saw in his twenty five years of teachingwe soon became close and friendly and i have great respect for himand his wisdom and his total simple honestyi treated him as i would a master with his age and experience ahead of mewe soon started talking about bhagwanhe started to do kundalini and nadabrahma meditationsand began reading bhagwans books on taoi too began to learn many of the taoist approaches from himhis deep and simple explanations with his experiencesmade me open my eyes deeper into lao tzus tao te ching and the i ching 152
  • i discussed my troubles with the sannyasins in the poona communeand he laughed and said he would teach me the taoist waythat i was attracting their unnecessary attentionby trying to dodge the arrows that were fired on methis was my mistakejust absorb them without any resistanceaccept them and they will have no more forcethat my very attempt to deflect their energywas giving them more energy to attack againhe taught me the art of soft handsand i began to understand his clarity and depth of wisdomhe was rightthe next time i will not dodge bullets in the buddhafield battlefieldbut i will simply become soft and absorb the battlefieldthank you master chen zhulinyou have opened my eyes and i bow to youi was growing to love hongkongthese people atleast loved and understood their tai chiand had great courage and humbleness to appreciatean indian learn and play their sport with such passioni was beginning to appreciate shona and ramesh and love their son tusharbut in hongkong time is moneysoon i would need to get over this tai chi holiday and work for my living 15
  • my work permit acceptedstamped in my passport 9 october 198i was now needed to prove my work skills in the officetheir company manufactured quartz wrist watcheswhich i found extremely cumbersome and boringround and square watches…assembly…packing and shipmentshigh floor offices with no ventilation and air conditioning all daythe love for shona and rameshand my new attraction for tai chi kept me goingi love the chinese people and their food and taoist cultureand began to read againmostly about taoist masters and the shaolin temple monksi loved bruce lee and read more on his life in hongkongand other forms of wushu and martial artsi became passionate about their calligraphic artstheir bamboo paintings and their aesthetic ways of expressioni began reading about the samurai and the japanese way of lifeand am entranced by zen haiku and its own universelooking into the zen temples of kyoto and their endless beautythis was an entire new world of sensitivity and creative expressionsenter the dragonthe world of the east held great interest for me nowhongkong china japan korea thailandthese were the frontiers of the future for bhagwanthey could understand himi felt he made a great mistake as did all the gurus of the 0s erajust the bubble of the american dreamthe idea that they would soon be fed up with the outer cover of materialismand would soon turn inwards for their spiritual longingsthe west simply did not have a clue as to what is inwardsnor the taste nor the aesthetic values of the eastand its profound culture and wisdom 154
  • the east was underdeveloped and to be looked down uponthe west with its advanced nations arrogant and powerfuland their value structures strongly conditionedbhagwan would have been an emperorand accepted in the east with great understandinghis work would have spread deepand his flame would burn bright and be kept alivethe soil was already therethe east needed the modern buddhaand his diamond like clarity updating its ancient wisdomto reawaken the sleeping dragonsin the east even the emperor bows to the awakened onein the west they bow to the elected president and his poweri was wearing my tai chi kung fu clothes in the day for trainingand wore my maroon robe to workthis was accepted but inwardly frowned uponby the other brothers of ramesh who lived in the usai continued to arrive in the office in my maroon robei had worked two months enjoying my tai chiworking during the day and evening reading absorbing eastern culturessoon the robe issue came upand i had an intense argument in the office with his brotherin open view of all the staffi was told to wear regular clothes or not work in the officemy work permit was finalised on 3 december 1987 that same dayi left that evening for india…i could not compromise on my robemy sister and family were shockedso sudden without any further discussionsi am sorry today and i love them alwaysthey have been by my side whenever i have needed themand i needlessly behaved this way 155
  • i am like thisthis is just the way i have been createdwhenever i was told lovingly that they understood mei felt offendedwas i that shallow that i could be so easily understoodperhaps my ego of being deep was hurti preferred to be misunderstoodthis felt better and truer to meand i had my aloneness all to myselfi think with my head upside downthe rebel in me just cannot lay downi always need a new battle…a new challenge…more growth
  • cocoon camp onei am in india again without any moneyand must work for my livingmy family in india hear of my throwing away my hongkong work permitwhich was so difficult to obtainand my sudden outburst and departurethey all know me…my sudden outbursts…and keep awayi am stuck with no way backi always burn my bridges when i leaveperhaps i would teach tai chi and earn this waysome friends get to know that i have started to teach tai chiand in one month i get my first six students and begin classes everydaythe word gets around fast and each person brings new friendsand am to get twenty more students
  • all the interested people are diplomats from embassies in new delhithe first secretary of the spanish embassythe cultural ambassador of the mexican embassythe first secretary of the finnish embassythe translator and secretary of the italian embassythe marines of the american embassyand the list grows daily with their appreciation and good wordand soon i am in the diplomatic circuitinvited to all their parties and embassy eveningsi do not want more than four in a classas i feel i want to give my total attention to each personi start to give three to four classes each dayeach lasting one and a half hoursi am grateful to my students as i now have to train myself deeperand spend six hours each day totally immersed in my tai chi classesit is convenient and comfortable as i teach in the private parkattached to my single bedroom in a retired colonels west end housei spend the next year teaching and training my body deeperas till now i had ignored the bodyi start receiving regular deep tissue massagesand work into the shoulder dislocations and muscular damagei spent all the balance money to buy more books and read furtheri have acquired another library of eight hundred books mostly onzen gardens zen temples and eastern ways of life and martial artssince the violent attack on me i have focused to heal and repair my bodyslowly linking the delicate vital threadsand aligning my body vertically through the crown
  • tai chi is one of the most powerful methodsever devised by taoist mastersto breath in slowly and deeply while in motionallowing the breath to settle and centre into the harausing balanced movement and gentle shifting of body weightto allow the breath to penetrate deep into the earthand on the other sideto draw upwards through the hara the centre and spread it to the peripheryfrom the periphery to the centre and the centre to the peripherytill they both melt down into onethe whole body periphery is filled with the centreone is using the secret of gravityas gravity always works vertically downjust being in a let go statethe gravity compresses the vertical threads into the earthand frees the kundalini to rise upwards into the sky 159
  • man is exactly like a treeman is a seed and in the right soil the roots will grow deeply into the earththe deeper the roots the higher the tree the wider the branchesthe foliage and fruits will come and the flowers open to the skyin tai chi and all methods of meditationdeepening the roots meansone has to allow the body weight to settle below the harathrough the feet settle into the earthwith the weight settling the breath settles with itone is breathing the feet upwards…to the harai always stated that the sole of the foot is your soulone does not need to work hardfor the opening of the kundalini high into the skyjust stupid egoistic and simply ridiculousjust find ways to lower the centre of gravity and settle into the earthautomatically the upward force will be generatedas every force has its opposite and equal forcesettle into the earth totally…the sky will be your gift and rewardthe kundalini will uncoil…you have transcended gravityone cannot fight gravityone has to settle into gravitythe inner kundalini finds its way upwards into the sky and uncoilstai chi and vipassana are using the same inner vertical alignmentsand letting go into the earth using gravity as a devicetai chi is more complex as it uses 108 formsto spread the centre in circular patterns and expand the haravipassana is extremely scientificit is a simple one single step methodof being present in this vertical momentwhere walking slowly settles the hara into the earthand where the upper body seven centres are vertically alignedall at once…in a single wave like motionvipassana is for one who has no real periphery leftjust a very thin layerand the vertical wave is the last soft work to be undone in the body 160
  • in zazen…years of sitting verticallythe invisible work is actually in the sittingallowing the breath to settle into the hara and flow into the feetcreating your roots into the earthall methods are to settle inwards and downwardsi hope you have got the messageteaching and working on people gave me the freedomto express myself and bridge the experiences of no mind to mindwhere threads of vertical experiences of no mindare slowly connected through the mind and expressed verballyi began to realise the harmful and adverse affects of the poona ashramwhere speaking about these experiences was looked down uponwhere even to silently express enlightenment was taboothe whole experiment of bhagwan was working against himand instead of freedom of expressiontight invisible controls were created by the authority and managementnot to express such vast and big experiences chokes up the throat centrecreating a blockage downwards choking the heart centre so on so forththe explosion of consciousness creates such an upward forceand releases such a downpouring of creativity and blissthat not to allow any form of expression becomes lethal and dangerousto the small container the bodymindone is web likea flowing multidimensional channel of expressionthese channels overload and short circuit 161
  • i have spent five months in hongkongand the past sixteen months in delhia long period of twenty one months away from poona and bhagwani had heard that bhagwan had just introducedthe first new meditation the mystic rosenostalgia…nostalgiai know its true beginningsjuly 1986 in my revelation of bhagwani miss bhagwan and know that i need to go backunder his loving care and to go deeper into my journeyi have become much stronger in my bodymy roots have grown deeper and the trunk wider and thickeri feel taller and widermy walk is slower but a heavy sense of presence gravitates around mei am prepared and ready to go back to the poona ashrami am certain that with such intense trainingand my new found taoist approach of being invisiblei would manage and test myself with my new experiencethe poona ashram had many who attacked mebut there were many who loved me toothey were in the silent minoritywho simply smiled or looked silently at me passing byor came and said hello to move on unnoticed by othersthere were many who secretly wished they could be close to meand ask me about my experiences but were afraid to be noticed by othersthe silent understanding sannyasins had one common factorthey were silent and understandingand not wanting to get into troublethe ones in power and management had one common factorthey were always pushing themselves onto othersand were loud and vocal in their opinionsi knew who were spreading the poison and from where my troubles arosei knew each one and silently watched their actions against me 162
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  • invisible stardusti return to poona april 1989the world here has changedmany new people have come and the atmosphere is totally differentas the orange robes have disappeared into normal western attireand people are looking more settled and less excitablejust accepting their daily routine meditationthe air of excitement to become enlightened receding far into the distancethey have settled and accepted enlightenment was not for thembut content being here with bhagwanas soon as i arrive i check into a hotel and get feelers on how things areasking quietly who is in the managementif neelam tathagat manu zareen swabhav were still around and in poweryes…they are i am toldand they already know i have arrived back in poona
  • the slow walker is back…they have spies everywherei wait for a few days and understand their new rules on clothesthe way things were nowi must remain as invisible as possibleand plan to bow down when i see themand show respect and my new change in attitudethat i have changed and respect their authorityas they are only doing bhagwans workand have dedicated their lives to himwearing my loose kung fu black clothesi reach the ashram gateless gate and as soon as i walk downthe guard greets mewe were waiting for you today…you are back…go in for a meetingi meet manu and humbly bow to himsaying how happy i was to see them and grateful for allowing me inand that i was now a changed personmanu is happy and blesses me and spreads the message around thati have become a good boy and have started to behave myselfmy taoist approach to bow down and bend like a tree is workingkeep bending whenever i see these troublemakersthey love to have their egos polishedi walk in and can see neelam and tathagat look sternlyand unhappily at me from krishna house officethey would keep an eye on mewithout looking towards them i move on quietlyand reach for my first silent inner bow at lao tzu gategurudayal singh who has always been my close friendfrom the very first day i came to poonalaughs loudly and rushes to hug meso happy to see you back…always remembered youi see you walking slowly behind the buddha grovemany nights when i sleepyou are back we must celebratehe tells me haskie is in poona…she loves me and we were very closehe rushes to haskies room in krishna house 165
  • haskie comes running and hugs meoh rajneesh my love oh rajneesh my love you are back how wonderfullets walk together and grabs my hand under her arm and walks slowlyit feels so good to see her and i am really happy that she is hereboth gurudayal and haskie have loved meknow of my ordeals here in the ashramand make it a point to make me feel welcomedthey make all efforts to speak well of me to lani and david and yogitheir goodwill helps me to smooth out my wayhaskie is extremely warm and abundantopen and vibrant brazilianand rebellious and fiery in her wayi am back again for my beloved friend laughing buddha gurudayal singh who always gets the joke before it is even told i hear him laughing on his way out 9 january 2005 two young italian men talking on the greyhound bus an old american lady ignores their conversation at first but she listens in horror as one italian says emma come first…den i come…two asses dey come together i come again…two asses dey come together again… i come again and pee twice…den i come once a more the shocked old lady indignantly says you foul mouthed italians in this country we do not talk about our sex lives in public the surprised italian exclaims he coola down lady…imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella mississippi 166
  • bhagwan is speaking in buddha halland as usual i wait in linewalk in slowly…letting others pass by my sideand end up last into budda halli have always chosen a particular seatthe very last row straight in line with his chairnear the marble buddha statue at the backbhagwan enters the air explodesi am drowned into tearsthe magical moments are backhe is radiant and herenowlove is in the airin one instant i have forgotten all the pastand feel grateful to every sannyasin alivewe are all in this togetherwe are one buddhafieldin just another few days bhagwan has decidedto indefinitely go into silence and stops speakingi always have my exact timing and same routeenter at 2.0 pm walking towards the lao tzu gatefirst for my inner bow to bhagwanpause a few moments by the sound of the waterfall rushing into the pondwith the white swanand walk onwards to bodhidharma for my morning breakfast teaa few days passand i see neelam and tathagat are watching me again and againevery time i enter the gate and pass by krishna housei change my entry routeand walk from the gateless gate towards buddha grovethen turn towards lao tzu gate and then turn againstop by the pond and move back towards bodhidharma cafejust not the same experience for mebreaks my walking rhythm and spoils my entire morning 16
  • a few days and i am sternly met by tathagat near the multiversitythat i have again started to walk slowlyand this was not going to be tolerated by himand that people were watching me and were against mefrom the feedback he was gettingjust walk normally and keep away from seeking attentionwhen will this world simply allow a human being to be himselfhave these power hungry dogs nothing else to occupy themselves withjust sitting on their high chairs with nothing to do but launch attacksi know that bhagwan is watching and hearing my every thoughtsuch a calamity…no matter what i do or not dothese people are not going to drop their power hungry gamesi walk in the next day and hear that krishna house has been shut downand bhagwan has asked that it be renovatedall the management to be allowed a holiday till relocation of officesanother that swami swabhav is to become bhagwans ambassador for indiaand another announcement of a newly formed inner circle of twenty oneto manage the daily mundane activities of the ashrami personally call this the dog pound zen stickbhagwan is teaching me his way of slappinghis zen stickhis device to keep the hungry dogs busy playing their power gamesjust give them bigger bones to chew onthen almighty dog eats the mighty dogand the higher they go the faster they fallthis way they experience and complete their desire for powerand falling down opens their eyes to perhaps enlightenmentor realisation that power has got them nowhereexcept for very few people he places in this power groupas his secret wild cards 168
  • his double edged swordbut unfortunately some are just thick skinnedand love their fantasy of power…just cannot see his devicebut sooner or later they will fallnothing lasts foreversome almightier dog will show them their way outthey say every dog has his daywhat a game…never endsbow wow…woof woof19 may bhagwan announces that he will stop speaking publiclythe heavyweights get busy with their new found power rushing aroundand i am thankfully left alone from their gaze for the next three monthsit is a miracle how i have managed to keep a low profile this longi have started to put my tai chi training to practicei have begun my daily sittings next to the swan poolby the side of the crystal pyramidfrom 4 pm onwards till the evening taped discourse ends at about 8.0 pmthen dinner and then again sitting till 11.0 pm when the gate closes 169
  • i want to collect and gather my pool of stillness as deeply as possiblei know that bhagwan is preparing for a new and dramatic phaseof his work and that i was involved in these preparationsso i eat…sleep deeply and sit still by the pondi have chosen the waterfall sound at the left sideto balance my hearing that has still not openedand to sit against the corner point of the pyramid to sharpen the spinefacing lao tzu gate i had found the perfect point for my daily sittingi keep out of view of sannyasinsstop vipassana walking as my main meditativenessjust sitting deep and still…gather my pool…i will need it sooni begin to notice some people laugh strangely at mewhenever i walk by them hear that they felt that i was gayor a puff like a pansy as my walking in trousers separated my legsi also began to notice it was very ungraceful and awkward to look ati was feeling uncomfortable as these statements grow louderand i could understand this appeared just that way to the onlookerbhagwan had said that orange robe was to be discontinuedas it attracted the attention of the poona police and led to harassmentbut he had not said anything about wearing a robe as suchso i decided to hide my graceful slow walking behind a robewhich was to be dark blue almost blacksufis wore black robesthis was not the bright orange that attracted attentionso i had two sets of deep blue black robes stitched and enter the ashramno one even bothered about itit was not loud nor radical in outlook and it hid my way of walkingall was well and i was settled till i was angrily accosted by tathagatat the multiversity one evening and shouted ati told you to stop walking slowly and also not to wear a roberobes are banned by bhagwani gently told him i was sorry and that the robe was not orangeand orange robes were bannedi had been wearing these dark robes for a week with no one complaining 10
  • tathagat has no patience whatsoevertotally dictator like said he did not tolerate any sort of talking backthat his word was finalno robe and no walking slowlyhe had given me two days to change my attitudei was absolutely devastated and now really angry with bhagwani had enough of thisthis was the same boring stupid and now damaging action against mei had enough…i walked out of the ashrami was directly angry with bhagwan for the very first time in my lifenow this was clearly his own faulti was being persecuted by everyone he chose to be in powerwhat have my clothes got to do with my spiritual pathwhy do these people interfere in everythingwhere is my simple freedomto even wear what i wanted to weari left the ashram and went to sleep without eating that nighti was very angry and totally fed upi decided to leave againand now go to the mountains and meditate with the tibetan people 11
  • maroon robe rumoursjune 1989 my flatmate nirmal woke me up the next morning earlyhe knew i always slept till 1.0 or 2 pmhey rajneesh guess what happened…guess what happenedthere is a new notice at the ashram gate todayeveryone has to compulsorily wear a maroon robeand the colour of maroon robe is exactly as the one hanging in your roomyour maroon robehe was shocked…and baffledi woke up laughing madlyand just brushed my teeth and had my shower went to the ashramfor the very first time in my entire life at 12 pmi was the only one walking in maroon
  • i walked slowly looking out for tathagatnow come at me again…you big bully…ha ha ha ha hai am walking in a robe…a maroon robeit was a miraclebhagwan understands and i laughedpassing by lao tzu gate…tears in my eyesthank you bhagwan…thank you bhagwani have heard you loud and cleari have got your secret message…my time had comei would prepare and go in as deeply as possible…go in go in go inhe was on the side of freedom…truth will be victoriousi had grown wings of confidencei was celebrating in my own wayi would go in deep as possible as my way of thanks and gratitudei saw tathagat pass by a few days later wearing a maroon robeslyly pass by me looking dumb and silly…dared not look me in the eyei knew what was in his head…never to interfere with me againbhagwan announces the formation of the new mystery schoolbhagwan is seeing the new man on the horizon againand sends out messages that many people will be coming sooncreate a new buddha hall for ten thousand peoplecreate a new pyramid hall with water all aroundexpand the ashram in every possible directionand starts to make a bedroom out of chuang tzu auditoriumthe air is getting charged and bhagwan states thatthe energy is at a new and higher levelit is clear a new beginning is descending into the buddhafieldthe air is buzzing with a new buzzmy daily sittings at the pond opposite lao tzu gatestart to draw the attention of the gossip circleimportant lao tzu residents anando amrito neelam mukta the greek et althey usually meet and hangout at lao tzu gate at around 5.0 to 6 pm 1
  • i begin to notice the therapists always rushing around the multiversitysometimes back and forth for no real reasonjust looking busy and important and carrying filesflashing smiles all around so that their discomfort is hiddenthey all are in competition with the next group leaderas to which group has the most participantswhich group is the most important…so on and so forthi hear distant whispers againoh he thinks he is enlightened…is very serious and just a cuckoothese therapists just cannot sit still without their daily judgementsand their opinions spread to all those who come to take groupssitting near the pond is becoming difficultbut i love this sitting point and it has become my spoti am an eyesore and nightmare for themnever done any therapy…no groupjust sitting silently in blissbhagwan never did any groupnor did krishnamurti nor ramana maharshi nor buddhainfact no living buddha ever did any therapy or group yet they all arrivedthe message of bhagwan was cleartherapies and groups are just to prepare for meditationtherapies have no connection whatsoever to the state of no mindno connection to the inner states of meditationor simply just meditativenessmeditation requires you to drop the bodymind completelygrowing the flame of awarenessone need not add any more information to the inner worldone just needs to listen to the silent inner worldand dive deeply into the inner skywhich carries the entire knowing of this existencewithin its own being 14
  • the western mind is obsessed with change and becoming a better personall therapies attract to learning more and more about different thingsbhagwan does not ask anyone to change in anyway whatsoevertransformation is a different matter and a different plane altogetherchange requires horizontal movementlearning more and getting more experience and gaining knowledgemakes one more knowledgeabletransformation requires vertical movementunlearning and experiencing inner states and drowning into knowingleads to awarenesschange requiresa to b to c to d to e…and never ends into the changing worldtransformation requiresa1 to a2 to a to a4 to a5…deeper and deeper into this eternal momentchange requires therapies and groups and informationtransformation requires meditativeness and awarenessthe western mind translates awareness to meanto become more and more aware of this or thatthe eastern wisdom understands awareness to implyto just becoming aware of awareness itselfchange is horizontal whereas transformation is verticalnot accepting yourself requires changejust be yourself and transformation happens 15
  • the meditator is working with energy states vertically upwardsfrom the low frequency alpha stateto the high frequency omega statethe big orgasmic state of no mind…the omega statewhere in sexual union one excites the lower power chakrascreates fire which rises into excited heavy breathingflows into expansion and relaxation through the heartinto sounds of pleasure through the throatreaching the window of light through the third eyeinto orgasmic explosion of bliss through the crownthe zero experiencewhere all time space disappearthoughts disappearthe you and i disappearoneness with the universeone is at an orgasmic peakdisappeared yet experiencingan infinite presence the state of no mindall meditations are created to undergo exactly this vertical transformationof inner energy states from the alpha to the omegawhere in the world do groups and therapies fitinto these states of transformationleading to the state of high peaked relaxed awarenesstherapies just add more and more to the already dead weightand to the ego of the mindthe false idea that i know moreso perhaps i am becoming more aware of my surroundingsthe greatest fallacy and sheer humbug
  • bhagwans messagelive in the momentthis living momentis not the past nor the futureas past requires the dead old mind and its memoriesand future has not happened yetis just a projection or imaginationjust living in this momentmoment to momentis an experiencing of a high peaked state of relaxed awarenessgreat understanding when i always come acrossmy don juan casanova sannyasin friend shunyamjust ditched this girlfriend for another then another then yet anotheri am just living the moment…i live moment to momentbhagwan says live in this moment…this moment has passedthe new girlfriend on the horizongreat application of his wisdom 1
  • on doing and non doingon being and non beingdoing always leads to more doing and more doingbeing is simply…being herenowand growing in the being herenowjust being…pure beingthe western mind is obsessed by doing more and morerestless and constantly on the runjust cannot sit still into beingthe grace that descends…just by being…stillbeing leads to beingdoing leads to the mind and all its traffic of madnessmore confusion and delusion and further away from your centreawareness is a state of vertical stillnessawareness is the no mind state in the present momentto become aware of awareness leading to a state of pure isnesswhere the experience and experiencer dissolve into a state of experiencingwhere the observer and the observed become one into a pure witnessthese worlds and statements are strangers with the western mindand its obsession with therapies and childish groups 18
  • on dropping the mindthousands of times we are to hear bhagwan sayingdrop the mindbut have completely misunderstood its meaning and depthfor just a layman one has to begin in a simple mannerjust watch the thoughts float by like cloudsjust watch the thoughts floating by and remain a detached witnesssoon gaps will begin to appearjust watch the thoughts pass by without any judgementthat this is a good or this is a bad…then mind has enteredand the emphasis has shifted from simply watching to judgementremain a detached witnessand the gaps will begin to become bigger and biggerthis is witnessing and strengthening the witnessjust a simple knackof detached witnessingthen move on to the more subtle layers of emotionswatch the emotions with the same detachmentit is far more difficult to remain detachedif your girlfriend has been stolen by your best friend 19
  • remain a witness to your emotionsas if from a great distancean eagles eye viewslowly this simple knackof remaining a detached witness to your subtle emotions will grow strongerthen witness the entire body and all its bodily movementsthis will lead to a slowing down of bodily actionsthe witness will grow strongerthis whole simple knackis to create a pure witnessthat is detached and separate from body mind emotionnow your energy is not moving into the body mind emotionbut moving and growing towards witnessingwitnessing is a knackwitnessing is the keyin meditation one is to become a detached witnessof the mind and its processes…a detached witnessthe mind is just an identification with the bodyto drop the mind is to drop the bodyhow can one drop the body…it has its realityonly in death the body falls and the mind stopshence one cannot drop the mind…but one can create a witness 180
  • that body and mind is one…bodymindthe bodymind consists ofthoughts emotions and the identification with the bodywitness that you are not the thoughtswitness that you are not the emotionswitness that you are not the bodywitnessing is the golden keyas the witness grows stronger and strongerthe identification with thoughts and emotions and body slowly disappearwitnessing is the golden keyhow can one drop the mind…there is no mind to drop in the first placeinfact the mind can be sharpened as the witness grows strongerclarity of the mind grows as the witnessing becomes strongergoing beyond the mind…is not dropping the mindit is going beyond the mind…into a state of no mindon reaching the state of no mindthe mind disappears like dewdrops…just simply evaporatesthe mind was just a shadow…of unawareness 181
  • i watch with great dismay the reality that faces methe multiversity is creating an illusion that this is the real seekingthat therapies and groups are the real thingthat no mind and meditation is difficult to understand for the beginnerbeing alien and not to their tasteso begin with therapies and groupsand get stuck thereit is a vicious circle…the therapists have vested intereststhey have paid huge sums for becoming certified therapistsand need to get their investments backsell their therapies to the outside worldand earn their livingeasy trade offeasy lifestylelots of attention from innocent newcomersego fulfillingthe mini gurus and the know all teacherspure exploitation and soon forgetting why they came here in the first placefor meditation…leading to living in meditativenessthis place was becoming a madhousetoo many judges and teachers and pretending to know allno disciples anywherebhagwan was just their evening entertainment and their certificationthey were therapists in the worlds largest transformation centrewhere millions came to be transformedthis place was becoming their easy money earning lifestylejust officially work a few months in poonaand then hop on a plane to the westthere were the eager and innocent waiting to fill their groupsand line their pockets…come back to poona richto get certified againlive in the moment here and now and find a new girlfriendparadise on earththis very earth the lotus paradise where money showers on therapists 182
  • i was their enemy and dangerousi was walking in vipassana without payingthe newcomers could not understand which groups i had donewhich therapies led me to falling into this inner spacethe ashram air was changing rapidlythe maroon robes created a unification in the buddhafieldand the collective energy was now gathering into onenessjust thousands of sannyasins wearing the same colourwas vibrating the buddhafield atmospherethe colour maroon was to have its own significanceas we are bodies of lightthe colour we wear deflects from our bodieshence we do not absorb the low frequency red colour into our bodiesand the reflected red into the atmosphere creates firewhich helps us to become more intenseat this same time bhagwan saw my arrival soonand the full moon july celebration on its wayall sannyasins were told to wear white robeswhite robes in the night helps the energy to assert itselfand become active in the nights passive energy fieldbhagwan began to notice that therapists were dominating the groupsand not merely channelling his energyhe chose black robes for themblack robes make you disappear as an egoand become more passive and receptivethus trying to soften their energy impact on the groups 18
  • bhagwan was clearly seeing the results of his total opennessand knew that he was being misunderstoodwith the recent disaster of oregonanother disaster was the last thing neededthe sannyasins need to be reawakenedto the simple meditations he had originally createdand change course inwards againhe announces meditation camps to be reintroducedthe fire is to be brought back…now is the timehe appears for the first time on masters day celebrationall sannyasins in white robes celebrate the new white robe brotherhoodi have been preparing day and night for these special momentsit was my first masters day celebration at his feetin the distant last row dancing to his gracein memory of my first samadhiwhat a blessing to have him here and nowthe earth is blessedbhagwan has always insisted that the communeand buddhafield is just a living experimentsannyasins have forgotten the meaning of a living experimentand the creation of the mystery schoola living experiment meanswe have to be exceptionally alert and awareof the invisible living experiment that is taking place 184
  • wisdom moon crescent moonthe master is not the body confined in his bedroomthe master is the pure witnessfloating free of form watching our every single stepthe master is the witnessthe one eyed seerhis disciples are a living experimenthe sees all and knows alli was aware of his secrethis floating witnessing presencecarrying him above me silently like a flame of awarenessvertically conscious in my walking or sitting and in every gestureallowing his divine presence to grip me more deeplyi was a hollow bambooclearing out all my rubbish so the guest can enter and make his home
  • bhagwan was watching silentlysurprised at all the actions against me from his closest disciplesthey had never been tested against a mirror of an ordinary disciplefor bhagwan they all wore a special maskfor me there was no maski was just that slow walking idiot rajneeshnot even considered as being human…just an animalhe was beginning to see their true facesknowing what i knewi was heartbroken for what bhagwan was seeingi could absorb their inhumanity towards mebut bhagwan had worked deeply and lovingly on them for twenty yearsit was a defeat for him…his work had failed…his people had failed himperhaps he was too optimistic and soft on his peoplethe american government did less harm to him than his own peoplehe could see that if he was to come backthey would destroy him and actually ban him from this buddhafieldannouncement in buddha hall 18 augustcame as a surprise to many but not to methat bhagwan says…few have understood my wordsthe meditation camps intensifybhagwan begins to appear for silent thunderbolt appearancesi am still being watched by the managementi live alone and am in no relationshipsand come only at 2.0 pm…exactly the same routineof sitting and then walking for one hour behind buddha grovethen sitting outside for evening taped discoursemy habit to deeply sit for twenty nine daysand then see bhagwan for that special one dayduring the full mooncontinued although bhagwan stopped appearingi am stubborn and fixed on certain inner matters 186
  • i continued sitting outside near the pyramid for the eveningsand was called in saying that the pyramid was for therapistswho worked with the crystals…and for giving esoteric readingsthat i was acting special by sitting in that prime locationand that i should be humble and drop my name rajneeshand stop people calling me rajneeshanything to attack meso i laughed and saidi am a simple disciple with an obvious ego which i am trying to dropbhagwan was my master without any ego to dropso the best would be if bhagwan dropped his name rajneeshand i personally had no objection to his dropping his namesoon i was to hear that complaints were sent to bhagwanto change my name…many letters were sent to him against meso bhagwan simply smiled and saidyes change his nameit is wrongly spelt rajnishchange it to rajneeshha le lu yaas i was entering buddha hall for sunday sannyas celebrationi hear it announced by zareen that bhagwan has saidrajneesh was the model sannyasin of the ashramand asked to come forward towards herthe air was rebellious and bhagwan had had enough 18
  • bhagwan mysteriously begins to change his namedecember 26 1988 not to be called bhagwan againdecember 2 1988 buddhadecember 0 1988 shree rajneesh zorba the buddhajanuary  1989 shree rajneeshfeburary 29 1989 osho rajneeshseptember 12 1989 oshoseptember 12 he sends another announcementyou will be facing a totally new manwho will no longer be known as rajneeshbut simply oshoit is a surprise koan for mei knew i would soon be announcedperhaps this was his device to drop the name rajneeshanyway…whatever it wasmy name rajneesh was no longer an issue to those concerned with my egoi was walking from bodhidharma…passing by lao tzu gatein my usual way slowing down diving deep into my inner bow to bhagwanmukta is watering the garden near the gateand seeing me walking slowly starts teasing meand begins to spray water towards meanando and neelam and few of the lao tzu group of womensitting outside gossiping join in and start laughing at methe water showers wetting me and i have to move awayi am just a stupid joke to them…i am pretending to be enlightenedi am in my deep inner bow and this makes me furiousjust pure ugliness and bitchiness in their behaviourthat too disrespectfully in front of the gate of the greatest master on earthi cannot get their joke and look hard and angrily at them…moving onbhagwan deserves such great disciplesthese are the ones to become his living flames of love and compassionwhat a farce this place is 188
  • i hear the next daybhagwan has askedall the women to pack and to leave lao tzu houseto me this was the point of departurethe strongest signal and clear message sent out by bhagwani wonder who will look after him nowhe is soft and compassionateallows them to return to lao tzu a few days lateri knew what was happeningsomething was looming largethe signs were all aroundthe chuang tzu bedroom he had especially designedwas not to be lived in by bhagwanseptember 14 he opened the vipassana walkway for alli was met by a mystery school sannyasinsaying that i was to be the first to walk through the vipassana walkwayi said that i would not ever dare to breath in the same spacewhere bhagwan lived…and refused the offeri was going deeper and deeper every nightspending sleepless nights nowthe kundalini was becoming active and asserting itself stronglyi was losing my balance at those dizzying heightssounds as of a vacuum were filling my right earpain was intense in my left shoulder blade and the right armi was spending nights perspiring profuselyand did not want to see the light anymorejust spend the days and nights in the roomwith the doubled curtains to create total darkness 189
  • i needed to remain in my dark room more and morein pitch darkness as my eyes began to water seeing sunlightthe ida was completely interlockedthe opening motion was in a downward spiralevery attempted opening in an upward motion blocked it furthereverything i did to open it was working against meend of september autumn i daily used eucalyptus steamsto help open my inner breath and activate the idaand remained in the blackness of the room for the next two monthsit was beginning to get difficult to leave the roomthe cooler air and eucalyptus steam was helping me to breathealways tired and sleepybegin to sleep sixteen to eighteen hoursi was to enter the ashram only at nights for dinnerand dance in the bamboo grove waving my body in latihanbhagwan asked for dance in buddha hall every night until 11.0 pmit was perfect timing for my nights and dinnerit was october and a new mystery when bhagwan askedfor the commune to be painted blackevery wall and every corner…was being painted blackthe black was perfectacting as the womb for the being to expandthe ida feminine spiral was supported with the blackthe buddhafield began leaning to the left sidereceptive femininethe creative womb deep and silentagain the buddhafield was to move into another tiltonto another vertical axisthe vortex was shiftingthe black was bhagwans secret new phase and deviceall building signs were removedit always plays with the mind which is emptyany person in samadhi would understand the deep hidden reasonsin that empty state just a name like jesus grovewould resonate jesus grove jesus grove jesus groveuntil it found another name and would repeat it endlessly 190
  • someone was going to reach enlightenment soonthe implications of the black and the removal of all signsare just simple indicatorsi knew them alli had been drowned in the black hole beforethis was going to be far bigger9 november 1989 bhagwan announceshis silence is not religiousit is a protesta protest against the hypocritesand also those that hear but do not listenjust who were these people who hear but do not listenwonder wonder if you pleasei always observed the behaviour of most women in the ashrameach searching for the rich and powerful menthe most beautiful running to get the powerful menthe powerful men seeking out these beautiful womentheir whole game is money and powerand beauty attractsi always heard bhagwan speak on the domination of men over womenthat women have had no freedomand have always been dominated by man for centuriesthis was an incomplete half understanding for meliving in these modern days i have experienced otherwisemy understanding wasthat man is seeking riches and powerjust to enable him to attract the most beautiful womenand women exploited the rich and powerful men with their beautythis was a vicious circle…in a reverse directionthus man is continuously chasing riches and powerto satisfy women…and his weakness for beautiful women 191
  • i have never seen a beautiful woman running aftera poor sensitive man just because he is lovingly playing on his fluteextremely rare if it were possibleit was clear to me that man is dominated by womenpoor man…he needs liberation from womenthe whole ugly value structure of society to respect money and powercan be reversed only if women decide to change their valuesrule and conquer the worldman is an aggressive animal seeking out his huntin the eyes of women the soft and sensitive man is a loserin bhagwans entire twenty years of speakingthis angle was never looked intoi felt that bhagwan is a simple man from a small village in jabalpurand he is extremely chivalrous and respectful towards women all his lifeand looked at this complex development of man women dominationfrom that simple perspective…pure innocencebhagwan could hear my understandingwas overjoyed to see a new clarity in front of himhis vision on man women domination came full circlei was earning my wings2 november 1989bhagwan creates the mens liberation movement28 november 1989for the very first time in his life…he suddenly visits the multiversityslowly looking at each group and therapy posterand surprisingly statesthere should be no more long therapiesthere were usually courses of one to two to three months longnow they should only be kept light and fun and for three daysand that he has given compulsory reading of his booksbefore joining any group 192
  • what was this sudden change and departurewas bhagwan becoming seriousabout those who chose to hear and not listenand went further to statethose who cling to my words miss methe lion was roaring and he was on the prowl 19
  • diamond like thunderboltsbhagwan is now preparing the entire buddhafieldfor a new and heightened state of energya vast being is to be borngreat surgery would be requiredbhagwan a high precision surgeonusing his diamond multifaceted handslike laser guided instrumentscutting into the buddhafield forces above us
  • cosmic superconsciousnesscollective superconsciousnesssuperconsciousnesscosmic consciousnesscollective consciousnessindividual consciousnessand descending far below intoindividual unconsciousnesscollective unconsciousnesscosmic unconsciousnessthere is very deep repair work that needs to be donethe damage is deeply embedded in the cosmic unconsciousnessthe sheer depth has never been reached beforeby any living master to do open surgerybhagwan master of mastersis now testing his totality and the very limits of his beingno one has ever dared to venture so deepnivedano is being prepared to drown the buddhafieldwith bolts of lightening…high frequency electrifying soundson the podium he arrives slowly and extremely deliberatein each and every move utter stillnessdeep as the oceangripping the aireach and every gestureunseen forces moving swift and with uncanny precisioni am amazed at what i seearriving and sitting still on his master surgery chairin the deepest depth of stillnessrising high into the skyand then diving deep into the earthspreading his vast invisible hands to repair the damaged left wingthen rising high into the sky then diving deep into the earth 195
  • up and down up and downdelicately joining the invisible threads of lightwith beams of lightthread after thread…thread after threadwith his infinite gentle compassionearth to skysurgery of lightusing high voltage lightcalming it to heal into stillnesswondrous beings in the heavens watch in amazementthe heavens know what is at stakean historic and unfathomable battle is being foughthigh into the sky…deep into the earthi declarenever in the history of superconsciousnesshas such an extreme surgery been performed
  • a month passes but the damage is too deephigher voltage is required to cut deeper and strongerevery particle is needed for this cosmic battlethe buddhafield has been damaged on the left wingthe ashram walls blackhelp it to lean to the left for healing and repairbhagwan arranges for nivedano and his bombastic music groupto shift the speakers and the entire music groupfrom the balanced centre of buddha hallto the leftsound is where he needs that extra balancing forcethe buddhafield needs to lean more towards the leftthe entire buddhafield listening deeply withinmoves left and the centre shiftsthe left wing has been damagedthe kundalini bending dangerously to the rightthe pressure is building and becoming dangerousneeding urgently to rise high into the sky and fall deep into the earthin rapid succession…without delay in turnaround timeosho osho oshothe whole force is rising and descendingosho osho oshoshooting upwards and crashing into the earthosho osho oshobhagwan arrives walking on a tightrope high into the skyosho osho oshoyes yes yes he remembers they are on earth pulling him downosho osho oshodiamond like thunderbolts cutting into the air 197
  • stop meditationswith nivedano instructed to raise the frequency of his drumsprepare the entire buddhafield for a crescendowith all its totalitythe master of masters bhagwan arrivesmagnitude 9 on the richter scaleunspeakableinexpressiblevaster than truththe open secretthe master is workingto repair a damaged kundalinideep in the core of the earth and high as the skyin one sweeping action…earth and sky togethera vertical laser sharp missilei am seeing bhagwanthe greatest diamond ever on displaymultifaceted in its multitude of perfectionshimmering and flashing instantly in a million directions all at oncean enlightened world will one day watch in awethe greatest epic battle on displaythe heavens have been witnessand i have seenoh what can i revealwhat can i say 198
  • these nights stretch into infinitythe night has seen its day…never ever to become dark againi walk around the ashram in stupefied wondersuch heights scaledeven everest is a pygmy in its shining facemy secret becomes deeper and still and silenti know all that is happeningeach flashing gesture of bhagwaneach slightest movement of his delicate wristthe gentle smile of the greatest heights ever perceived by mankindhis giggle and compassion in hiding his painthis battle is the greatest ever to be foughtperhaps it was not to bein defeat perhaps hidden another victoryin defeat perhaps the only victorybitter but sweet with knowingthe defeated was the greatest emperor that ever livedthis would be the only fitting epitaphdie fightingthe glory of defeat with a smilewith compassionand graceis beyond the reach of any form of deathor even deathlessnessa new and higher peakfor the onebhagwan 199
  • my days are coming to an endthe dark side of the moon is growinganother restanother lifethe world below living in its darkness cannot understandwhy the sky is shining so brightperhaps this is all a pretencejust the flashing of an unreal diamondpretending to be brighter than the realwho can tell you of what i have seeni cannot speak anymoreit is beyond the beyond the beyondi am the dance lost high into the skyin deep latihanperhaps 2 hours have passed…perhaps moreinfinity stretches the hollow bamboos into the nightbuddha grove one with every moveone with every sway…with every stopthe bamboos wave into the nightwho am i they saywho am i…who am iand suddenly a cracking sound on my headmy body flying into the bamboosi have been beaten againno body no mindno one to pick menor to drop me ever againblack black black…eternal black 200
  • losing was perhaps the only way out of this unbearable joyi have seen the very best…bhagwanlived with the very best…bhagwanam completely ready for the onward journeywith nowhere to go…nothing to dobeing herenowexistence has its timing says bhagwan jokinglymy time had not yet comenot that easythere is more…there is more…there is morewake up lazarus…i say get up and walki am lifted with a force and walki am alive and back againthe tunnel was so very deepperhaps a few more days before i fall againexistence has its own arrangements for the dyingone cannot dictate termsi return to my room…in utter darknessin know my time has come to goi wish to give away all my belonging to friends who will remember mei make a list of all the statues and beautiful books i possessand prepare a gift for each friendsomeone had smiled and was kind to mesomeone helped me along the waysomeone came to my support when pushed aroundsmall gestures that had touched my hearti remembered each oneone by onei go to the ashramand gave each one my remembrance giftto each of their surprisegiving was such a joy and unburdeningtheir surprise and love was my receiving 201
  • i awaken to the new daythe gentle and vibrant vivek has moved onwinged like an angel into the skyperhaps to prepare for the great awaited one in the infinite skiessynchronicity with the mastershe held the vital spiral into the earthwith love and tendernessfor his every smilethe vertical threads were battle wornthe mystery guarded and held closelyin her heartin loving memory ofma prem nirvanowho died an untimely deathborn march 19 1949died december 9 1989i declare her as reaching enlightenmentthe vertical path and her guide through the narrow secret passage waysynchronicity with the mastermore i cannot revealit is not mine to shareshe smiles and calls me the maddest of bhagwans own 202
  • the dance continueslife and death…balanced like a swordthe edge of awareness…waking you upwe dance 11 decemberbirth of the blessed one bhagwanthe path is getting higher and highernarrower and narrowerthe greatest decision ever to be madehe knows secretly his wayhe will live his wayandnever diehis waybhagwan planning the ultimate flightdeath can resurrectthe body at the very last breath…exploding into lightthe flame grows brightest before its darknirvana the cessation of the flameholding the secrets of the darkrevealing into lightthe black hole reveals the light holeeverything rests and resurrects into life againjust a deep comatose for fresh innocent eyesa strange devicebhagwan planshis arrivalof the new man 203
  • magnitude 9 on the richter scaleblack magic announcements appear in the buddhafielda mantra is in the airlookout and go deep insidehear and search the sound of the mantrait will kill bhagwanchildren run around looking for the treasure that was never buriedthe treasure hunt…the search beginsthe device in playthis is seriousmust find the mantra manno it is not a mantra manit is a group of people who are targeting the sound to his hara
  • the news is alarmingscents are thrown into the windsome lead north…some lead southsome now east…some now westnorthwest southeast northeast southwesteach day a new direction a new turn a new twistthe plot thickens and the device is realthe entire buddhafield is switched from right to leftno signs of the black magic mantraok…try from left to rightno signs of the black magic mantravital vertical conditions and spaces need to be preparedthe secret balance in the transmissionleft to right or right to leftleft to rightleft turnthe spirals matchperfectwhat i reveal is just the very tip of the whole truthwhat i can reveal or wish to reveal or express to the worldi am aware of the multidimensional layers of questionsthat will manifest from my revelationsthe new mysteries these will now createthe hundreds of questions these will raise…into more and more questionsi reveal only that which i feel i owe to my fellow travellersto lovers of bhagwan and to this humanityto the future seekers of truthand to all living buddhas above who watch silently from the beyond 205
  • bhagwan has his own choosing…his total freedom of choicehis vision and wisdom far ahead of our timeshis complete awakened awarenessmysterious announcements are made every daythey need to discover who is the black magicianperhaps an american cia agent with some special humming deviceor a group of people chanting a special mantra to destroy bhagwanor a certain person…perhaps an indian with the mantrafor the very first time in the entire life of bhagwans countless appearancesbuddha hall is divided at 45 degrees with a tape on the floorall indians are to be seated to the left of buddha halland all foreigners on the right sidethe message is bhagwan will in his flight of deep meditationhands moving higher and higherpoint out to some indian person or personswho will be very gently tapped on the shoulder and not touched againbut gently asked to move and go towards bhagwanand leave the hall by the steps next to his podiumbhagwan arrives on the podium with his mysterious device readythe music follows his each hand movementhe opens his eye…points to one indiangently brought toward him and walks out by the stairs next to himthe music continues…faster…another pointed outthe music continues his hands higher…another pointed outthe music faster his hands high in the sky…another pointed outthe music moves faster his hands higher…another pointed outa highly peaked buddhafieldholding the golden strings rooted down down downthe wings of the phoenix must be held down in gravitythe vast leap between an unfathomable ravine and chasms of infinity 206
  • how will the master thief steal the biggest diamond the kohinoor in broad daylight and in open view the decoys have worked…bhagwans target still sitting the music raises tempo into crescendo…his hands flyingbhagwan looks at me like an eagle from the sky…deeply penetrating i knew my time has come i am pointed to i freeze i stand slowly…unmoving…very slowly take a step forward i am frozen and cannot take even a single step each step is heavy like lead…each step slow and timeless he looks at me eyes open focused and ferocious like bodhidharmathe whole sky is descending and the earth is heavy with a forceful grip i walk slowly towards him…just 3 metres…the gap is close time has completely frozen into slow motion everything buzzing into a deep stillness i disappear the sky pours heavily upon me the diamond rushing heavily downwards into my crown in the dark undetected…yet in the open broad daylight an unravelled paradox to be forgotten the greatest secret kept alive the secret transmission of the sacred lamp 207
  • i am aware of everything that would soon begin to happenit is bhagwans wish…he is my masterall is seen by me…i remain silent16 januarybhagwan appears for the last time to sit in meditationhe has become extremely weak and losing balance while enteringsitting in deep meditation…moving in a weak manner and distant17 januarybhagwan slowly walks on the podiumsmiling and twinkling eyes…a distant look into the horizonnamaste each direction slowly slowly for eternityhis last namaste to be18 januarybhagwan remains in his room in deep samadhi19 january 1990all gathering in the buddha hall are told bhagwan has left his bodythat his body is to be brought to buddha halland taken to the burning ghat in an hour 208
  • bhagwan known as oshosaysmy presence here will be many times greaterremind my people that they will feel me much morethey will know immediatelynever speak of me in the past tensethe last dancehis caravanserai of disciples dancing carrying his flame of lovetears and tears flooding my facethere is no return now…it is now too latethe greatest swan has flownshock and pain and tearsutter shock and deep pain and tears upon tearswe all dance towards the burning ghatssinging songs of bhagwan…tears falling from every eye 209
  • of all the greatest battles ever foughtlove has perished to create more loveimmense pain to see the flames rise his gathering flames of disciples his lovers dancingpure fire of his love spreading into all dissolved 210
  • where love surrendersto yield to greater love which is a secret of love itself perhaps the dyingwill awaken the living 211
  • master thief paradoxbuddhas disciple mahakashyapalways remained silent and mysteriousone morning buddha appeared smiling silently carrying a rosethe unknown mahakashyap sitting silently under a treesuddenly burst out laughing loudlyall the disciples looking around to see mahakashyapsitting under a tree…he had never spoken and was forgottenbuddha smiled and gave the rose to mahakashyap
  • the mysterious transmission to a nobody nessi have never asked a single question of osho…never received an answeri have never met oshoi am an unknown disciplewith only one qualityof pure awareness…total stillness…deep silencei stand alone…still and silentthe world of osho moves onpretending nothing has happened…this is simply absurdhide the shock and become zen likethe stark sign…at the gateless gateisness as usualwhom are you kiddingtotally aware of the herculean responsibilities i now havetotally aware of the immensity of what i have seeni walk about completely dazed with tearful eyestears raining down my faceday after day…night after nighthugging and crying upon each shoulder i can findnothing divides us nowwe are onethese moments are moments which will remain foreverlife after life…forever in our hearts 213
  • many loving sannyasins walk around shell shocked…in tearsstumbling in the dark…groping to find some way to move onthey announce…osho saidi leave you my dreambut the dream is really over…you must awaken nowwho knows of the mysterious beyondwhere is the living mystery schoolwhere is his sacred astral bodywho knowsthe zen like sannyasins just go into their hard shellsand protect against this stark realitymaster of masters osho is no longer physically availableno longer there for our outstretched armsto cuddle us each evening with his tales of wisdom and his songs of lovewe have missed this momentous opportunityperhaps the white swan has flownosho declareshis secret seal and ultimate koanto the invisibleforever truth and presentnever speak of me in the pastrevealing himself to the one eyed seeri see his white wings and his graceful floating form 214
  • there is more…there is more…move on…move ongo deeper and dive into deeper shoresone must leave this shore for the other shoremove on move on move onthis too shall passoshos mother matajii first feel for matajii want to leave her alone these sacred daysi walk silently by matajis bedroomand hear her crying each timei need to touch her feet and heal her paining heartto reassure her it is not all overa mother bleeds…her deepest paining heartmataji a devotee and divine mothershe has always loved me from the day she saw mewhen i took my sannyaseveryday she humbly and with gentle gracebrought herself to the gateless gate in an autorickshawwalking slowly with her meditation cushion under her armpure as a flowing waterfall…unassuming and silentthe leaf on a tree…just as it is…pure and simply therethe greatest devotee of oshothe most compassionate mother of allthe ultimate mother of an awakened onei hold myself together and gently knock on her doorthe family is gathered surrounding her in her griefi understand and want to leaveshe looks at mecrying…with tears beckons me in towards hermy son…my son rajneesh…you are alivemy son rajneesh you are alive…my son…my son 215
  • i am flooded with tearsspeechless…i touch her feetthe graceful family of osho looks onthey gently and lovingly ask me softly to gomataji is in deep shock and in grieving paini remind her of osho which is even more painfuli can understandthis grieving time is sacredi bow and gently leavea few days passthe word again spreadsi am reminding them more and more of oshopeople are coming towards me with deep love and silencewanting to be near me…without any reason…just to be close to methe ashram management and authority are closely watching me nowi am always a troublemaker…everywhere i go some new storya woman comes to tell me of her dreams and talesi saw you had died…they were taking your body on a stretcher to buddha hallosho came to bless you and leaned down to touch your foreheadsuddenly you disappeared and i saw osho being taken to the burning ghatsanother sees osho speaking on his discourse chairhis face changes and i appear…what was this apparitionwhat to make of it…it haunts him everydayanother sees me slowly walking behind buddha groveand in a flash with his long white beard…osho walking insteada child rushes towards me screaming osho oshoand says she wants to pull my white beardmay i pull your beard osho…may i pull your beard osho 216
  • i am surrounded by a world rushing byrushing everywhere searching for truthfaster and faster they run…they seek in every directionthe whole journey is fromthe here to the herenowpast present future…all vertically presenthigh into the sky deep into the earththis eternal present momentno seeking…no searching…no learning…no doing…no thing at allthe pathless pathdoes not need or require even a single stepone is already homei understand how it feels to be in a madhousesurrounded by sane peopleno bridge whatsoever…totally different planes of understandingthe whole world on one side…me alone on the another shorewhere do i begin…what can i do…where can i go…i am in a madhouse 217
  • just give up and stop trying to make sense of it allenjoy this utter non senseenjoy this mystery and deep alonenessthe only sanity to become an ordinary man againan extraordinary ordinary mani need to reorient myself…new wings have to be growni move in my daily meditativenessi am drinking my evening tea near krishna houserestaurant tables are spread out therejust simply drinking tea alone in silenceout of the blue…a german sannyasin rushes towards meand without a word or warning smashes my face with his fisti feel a warm liquid flow down from my eyebrowflooding my eyes in bloodagain the same boring attackjust another civilized human beingexpressing his love and meditativenessothers look on in disgust surprised at this sudden unprovoked hiti ask him how many years have you been a sannyasinto which he says twelve yearsgreat i say…this is what you have achievedjust go in and look at yourself carefullygreat sannyasini get up to look at my face in the mirror next to the wash basin in fronta huge bleeding gash below my eyebrowblood running profusely down my facesomeone helps me towards krishna house officeto get some medical attentionleaving me in the officei am asked to sit inside the office to keep attention awayand enter to see doctor amrito and jayesh 218
  • i look at amrito and say that i have been badly cut on my eyebrowplease kindly look at it and arrange for stitches if neededimmediately he starts his stiff lecturei do not want to look at your facethis is not my problemthat i needed to learn a lessonyou deserve this hityou push peoples buttonsthat people like me should be bannedjayesh is an elegant human being…surprised at amritos behaviourhe gently asks amrito to attend to mei was hit…assaulted within the ashram…right in front of themwitnesses all knew i was alone and silently drinking my teai had never met this person beforeamrito refuses to stitch the cut…and walks out in a huffi call him back and say in front of jayeshi promise that you will remember this dayyou are a medical doctor sworn to attend to any injurythat you are the ashram doctori promise this will be rememberedi am made to lie down on the sofawith an ice pack…the bleeding takes an hour to cloti go to budhrani hospital that night to get stitchesi have forgiven but not forgottenmy promise…i always keep my promiseamrito is starved of love and just needs pamperingso i have decided todayto send him a box of pampersall he needs is basic potty trainingbeing anally retentive…the shit comes out of the wrong endnow this is pushing your buttons…capiscijust keep cool and have a sense of humourit is strange logic that amrito wants me…the victim…bannedand the person who attacks me goes scot free 219
  • the ashram management has started discussing memy physical body is beginning to see many new changesi need to sleep much more than normaland begin sleeping fourteen to sixteen hours…in a completely dark roomi add a water cooler in my room to open my ida and breathingand sleeping becomes my new way of lifei arrange a bathtub in my flat to soak in extremely hot waterfor an hour each daythe hot water allows the pain in my body to subsidei search for deep tissue massage to help open the damaged shoulderand start receiving sessions twice weeklynot entering the ashram during the dayi remain invisible and keep a low profileand only go to the ashram in the evening for my dinnerand a walk behind buddha grovethey have allowed me to remain here in poona for five monthsthat to me is a sheer miraclewho needs more miracles to know they exist…this is proof enough
  • i am stopped at the gateless gate one afternoonby an alcoholic power tripper…tathagathe was waiting for his chance to ban me for some reason or otherannouncing to methat i was banned from the ashram for walking slowlyif i wished to enter again i was not allowed to walk slowly any morethat i must change my hand gesturesand the bodily movements of osho that i imitatethe way i walk…the way i move my hands…the way i looklooking upwards at my keeper oshoi promise in front of the sacred gateless gate for all seekers of truthhis day will also come…wait my dear friendjust wait…i always keep my promisei am simply tired of my having to daily spend all my energyto justify my life and live the way i dothere is no reason for me to be here any morei could see there was no future within this ashramthe sannyasins already knowing allfull of the words of oshoosho has spoken six hundred books on every subject on earthfrom both sides of the fence…the pro and the consannyasins twist each word easily to meet their needsreadily on the tips of their tongues 221
  • i know that i have a very responsible journey aheadwith my physical condition perhaps another eight years or soto repair and heal my body requires money and timein these months i was approached by manyto move to their ashrams spread throughout the worldand speak of whatever i had experiencedmany could see and secretly knew that i had receivedsome secret transmission from oshomany were aware i had undergone my first samadhithat much understanding was enough for them to seek me outi was an acharya by nowi had known the truthseeing is beingnow await pure beingi always knew that i would bide my timetill i completed the final stepmichelangelo hid his david till the lastthen revealed the masterpiece to the worldnot before the fourth samadhi when the last layer was thin and transparentwould i begin his work or speaki returned to the world to earn my living and live as an ordinary manif it was meant to be…so be itif not meant to be…then so be iti knew my rebirth had happenedthe great transmission floating upon methe embryo floating outside my body would grow at its own pacenourish it and feed it with awarenesslet existence decide my timingthis too shall pass 222
  • individual enlightenmenta way of climbing to reach the highest peakand arrive home…disappearing into the cosmostransmission of the lampsurrender and drown into the mastera way to disappear and dissolve into his beingboth ways to reach the ultimate are completely differentenlightenment…awareness and only complete awarenesstransmission of the lamp…deep surrender with complete awarenessthe only requirement to receive this transmissionthe disciple must have had atleast one samadhian opening in the crown vertically ascending into the skythe masters being can descend down this vertical passage and create rootsbecome present in another form and continue his workthe third eye the point of awarenesswhere the master can appear but not enough for a vertical descentsamadhi is the minimum requirement for transmission of the lampand the master choosesthe master gives it with total consciousnessthe disciple must receives it consciouslyboth conditions are needed before a master leaves the bodya conscious transmission…known to boththe giver and receiverthe being is not dividableonly one person can receive this transmissionthere can only be one mahakashyap 223
  • 224
  • before leaving poona i am asked by oshoto make a secret plate etched with the following words for the coming future osho rajnish maitreya gautama the buddha rajneesh to be spelt rajnish on purpose a conscious deliberate act to be marked and kept as a secret till the time came to reveal his work the plate was made in feburary 1990 it stands revealed to all now 225
  • warriors in exilei leave poona and feel the air just explode into freshnessmy breathing has become more relaxed and freethe atmosphere is nourishing and expansivefreedom is in the airfreedom from continuous judgementand the need to balance with each and every person one comes acrossosho sannyasin conditioningthe air is thick within its own mini societywith its acceptance and rejectionsits knowledge and judgementsits rewards and punishmentsthe buddhafield is heavily conditioned with a programme of its ownthis is a new set of conditioningsa new society
  • you need to fit with them and their rulesthey have their own fits and misfitsstrange in a space where one is searchingfor freedom to be oneselfi had forgotten the feel of freedomthankful to all who have gone against me and banned me from the ashramthank you…thank you…thank youi am free at lastthe master thief with the kohinoori have not run away with their eternal diamondthey have asked me to leavenow i am not answerable to anyone anymorei am free to walk awaythe diamond hidden for all to seefloating and dancing in the winds above memaster thief on the runup towards the mountains and my tibetan friendsthe himalayas…dharamsalaperhaps this would be my final retreat 227
  • cutting and polishing the multifaceted diamondmatch cut for cutmatch facet for facetmatch brilliance for brilliancematch size for sizedrown into the transmission of the lampa great task aheadexciting diamond cutting and preparationmid september 1990 i arrive in the small himalayan town of dharamsalai love tibetan momos and thuppa noodlesi can smell them in the crisp mountain airin a bowl with chopsticks with garlic chilliesi have missed this kind of food and find a small tibetan restaurantthese people have warm loving eyeslines of wisdom and compassion deeply etched across their innocent facesthey have only known hardshipsfrom the remote and harsh lands of tibet…now in exiletibet…the destruction of the greatest experiment on earthlife after death…bardo…the black hole kalachakraenlightenment…transmission of the lampthey have an ancient knowingembedded into their very blood bones and marrowhow i feel for these people and with deep sympathy for their causeto free tibetallow these innocents on their path towards their hidden treasureallow them to silently walk their inner journey 228
  • the sensitive suffer more and experience pain more deeplyand with greater realisationi can understand their fight for freedom…for a free tibetbut have my own way of understanding…and expressionwhenever i am to hear a tibetan say that he or she is a refugeei get angry with them and to their dismay immediately saynever ever call yourself a refugee againwithin you is the land of tibetwithin you is your ultimate landfree yourself and you will regain tibetfor me tibet is not only a land but also an inner space of beingfor me everyone is a refugeejust dreaming they are secure upon their own landthere is only one security…your inner land your inner skyto me the whole world is a refugeein my eyes i have never come across a single tibetan refugeethey are simply warriors on the roadspiritual warriors moving spread out to the four windsthe world needs them more than they need the world today 229
  • i seek out my friends british veronica and italian pierowho have devoted their lives to the tibetan causeand created an oasis the mahayana meditation retreati arrive there hoping they will understand meand give me shelter for my one year retreat in silencei arrive at mahayana retreatin my maroon robe to be stared at by alli am strange for them yet they all smile and greet me in their bowing wayveronica and piero are not therethe stout italian woman in charge looks at me fiercelyyou are a disciple of oshowe do not accept them as they are too non serious and morally loosei explain my casethat even the osho people do not like me as i am too serious for themthat i have been close to veronica and pieroand veronica was my tai chi studenti wear a maroon robe which is buddhistthat i only sit and walk in vipassanaand wish to remain in silence in retreat for one yearthat i only eat once a day…am vegetarian…no smoking no drinkingand live alone with no girlfriendi could arrange to pay for one year silent retreat in a lump sumshe finds me funny…but gets a grip on herselfand consults a lama nearbycome tomorrow and we will decide she saysas i leave the winding pathway backthey watch intently the way i slowly walkback the next day i find a frowning facesorry…but we only allow vipassana studentswho have gone through purification and chanting rituals for one yearyou must first prepare with learning and reading the dhammapadado pooja and chanting every morning at 5.30follow strict instructions from the high lamasonly after passing their gateswould i be allowed to do silent unsupervised retreat 230
  • wow…i need to be reborn and come again to this planet earthbye bye tibetan authority…strict norms and disciplinesi am surprised at the pattern i am now beginning to seewalking down towards bhaksu hoteli reach the area of the dalai lama residencefrom a distance i see a courtyard and a very old womanprostrating herself again and again in the direction of his residencecoming closer to her i ask a monkwhy her forehead has such a deep and marked woundshe is a very old woman…very holyshe has done millions of prostrations to his holiness the dalai lamathe dalai lama is the rising sun who sees all and knows allshe will earn much merit from his compassionate eyei look at the old woman with tears flooding my eyessuch pure innocenceeach day i have been walking slowly towards mcleod ganjfor my momos and thuppa mealsi have been closely watched for days by a group of old tibetan lamaswho now decide to follow me back to bhaksu hoteli see them trail behind me silently and shylyi reach my room and go in ordering tea in the gardenopening the balcony towards the gardeni see eight old lamas sitting waiting for me to come outthey had asked my room number at receptionknew i usually sat in the garden drinking tea and meditating till nightvery shyly and gracefully they approach and ask me if they could meet methat they had been watching me for a week nowfollowing my walks secretly 231
  • stating they had come from distant ladakh and lehand were to return soonbut had visions of me the past few daysthey were here to take me back with them to their monasterythey had a vision that i was their awaited lamareincarnation of his holiness the lama karmapathey all fell in prostration with chantsasking me if what they saw was truethat i was hiding from the worldnot to be afraid…they would take care of me…come with themsuch serious bowing and prostrationsuch sincerity and humbleness in front of methe old woman flashed before my eyeslisten i saidyou may be rightbut relaxhave a cup of teathey all smiled at my sudden humouri was normal and approachablejust relaxdrinking tea in silencethey remained reverent and in a bowing spaceplease tell us you have agreed to come back with usthey eagerly ask againok ok…ok ok…just relax i sayand tell me about your monasteryseriously they describe their monastery in the snow mountainsi am in a joking moodand i ask the first questiondo you have a modern bathroom with a tub and hot waterno they say but all this can be arranged 232
  • and i ask a second question…jokinglydo you have a western style toiletwhat did i mean by western style toilet high in the himalayasthey soon get it i was joking and putting them at easethey all began laughing at every other word i spokei am just a simple ordinary manjust relax and let goenjoy the silence and the stillnesswhen i was ready…i would come…they would find me againthey sat for hours in oneness with methese beautiful old lamas wise and compassionateleft thanking me for releasing laughter into themthey all said they would read osho to remember mei remember them everydayi only have tears and love for these poor simple innocent monksthey call themselves refugeesinfact they are the very refuge for this planet earththe noahs arkthe tibetan race will shine upon this earth one daythey are the light and the future of this humanitymay they all find their tibet within themselvesand help set humanity freeom mani padme humthe diamond on the lotus 233
  • i leave dharamsalathis small mountain town is too narrow and very few open spacesi hear about the himalayan towns of kulu and manalithis is where osho lived for six months before coming out into the worldand initiating people into his neo sannyas movementthe valley of the gods kulu manalimountainous yet with wide gentle slopeswhere many great rishis and seers have spent years in meditationa perfect himalayan townwith affordable guest houses and small hotels scattered aroundi arrive in manali and find a beautiful guest house in a pine forestwinter is setting in and snowfall is about to beginwith stunning views of the snow peaked rohtang pass in the distancethe sound of the beas river rushing byand the vast expanses of tall cedar and pine treesnear the river the air is fresh and cleargreat winding pathways in the pine forest to walk throughi am in love with manalithe valley of the gods…this is to be my retreat and abodei can see why osho started his sannyas movement here in 1970having not worked for six years now i have completely run out of moneyand the little support of my aunty and sister exhausteda tai chi student of mine from finland herbert nyquisthears of me and my financial difficultiesand surprises me with a letter asking me not to worry and to continueon my path of meditation and from his salary includes a draft of 500 dollarsthis man is to become the first to help me financially on my pathand continued for the next four months to send me moneywith his love and encouragementi remain eternally thankful to him 234
  • the next two months i begin sitting by the riverdrowning into the sound of running waterthe daytime with clear skies and direct mountain suntaking long walks in the pine forest and breathing it all inmy body starts to regain its lost vitality and the healing beginsi remain outdoors late into the nights in the winter coldwith a huge log fire in the open next to the pine forest till 3 amthe ice cold winter is perfect for my damaged idathe breath fighting and strengthening the body and inner channels openingthese were the most rejuvenating days of my entire lifeno running around seeking anythingthe search was overjust relaxing my body into a complete restfulnessallowing the body to find its own rhythmwaking when awake sleeping when sleepyeating when hungrywalking when walkingsitting when sittingthe way of taoliving in zen 235
  • just living totally and herenowthank you my beloved friend herbert for these precious daysi used to sit in the garden every afternoon drinking teato soon became friendly with the most beautiful angel michellea hippy backpacker passing through manalishe began sitting with me into the eveningsand soon we were living together for the next few monthsher total innocence and refreshing humour and infectious companywas to become part of my newly found freedomaway from the judgements and attacks of the poona ashrami began to see that these innocent adventurous backpackerswho came to india on the hippy trailwere really spiritual with fresh and open eyes…open hearts…caring soulsjust wandering seekers of truthmy heart was exploding againmy days and nights were moving in trancemy inner world began to explode into light againexperiencing light and numerous satori flashesthe transmission of the lamp settling into my bodythe mysterious transmission of osho was becoming clearer each dayi was beginning to enter into my new world with more maturitywider and more expansive…becoming more deeply settledi now kept everything a secret knowing people would not understandand anyway these were simple peoplewith no connection to osho and his workjust watching me live in my slow meditative mannerhundreds of people felt and said i had something unique about methe next six months flash by…michelles visa would expire soonthe money would not last foreveri would need to get a real job and earn some serious moneycome back again to live in manali and complete my processes 236
  • rags to riches to ragswith great reluctance i call my sister shona in hongkongshe welcomes my returnit has been five years since i had left without using my hongkong work permiti return to hongkong still moving and walking slowlyhaving become more still and deeperthe mad rush seems faster and more chaoticstrangely this time i feel balanced and harmonious in this chaosthe contrast is clearand things appear easily and transparent in slow motioni begin to realise the value of speedto one who is still
  • everyone is generating vast pools of energyflowing freely and scattering these energies into the windsone just needs to become the centre of the cycloneand the centre pulls everything towards it and transforms ita new and vast realisation stands before meoshos insistence to move back to the world every few monthsis to experience the contrasti realise that the world cannot enter me nowlive in the world but do not become part of itlike a dewdrop on a lotus leafthe vital balance of energy yin and yangdoing and non doingand experiencing doing without doingwhat the greatest master lao tzu calls wu weii can still myself deeply and absorb the rushing worldthe centre of the cycloneit tests my vertical centremy sister shona and husband ramesh having experienceof my sudden and chaotic irrational behaviourthey do not want me in their company in hongkongsuggest that i work for their eldest brother prakashi am sent to los angeles to work in their watch distribution in america
  • april fools day 1992 i arrive in los angelesi just laughed at this hilarious situation…perfect day to arrive i feelwas i a fool or the world simply too foolishthat i have been given a job for just 400 dollars a monthi knew that i would excel at everything i would dojust given a chance i would prove myselfand earn quickly and return to manali to continue my journeyi set my target to earn fifty thousand dollars and returndie dreaming but dream on…dreamers never let go of your dreami do not want to live in their huge mansion in corona del marwith security gates and palatial surroundings with swimming poolsand two 500sl mercedes benzi just have my kung fu tracksuit and no other clothesand feel totally out of place in their swanky and rich neighbourhoodto stay on my own my salary is raised to 700 dollarsi find a small community of artists and spiritual seekers living in venice beachsome are familiar with osho but mostly hippies and beach bumstotally cool and an eclectic group of eighteen living in a community housetheir five rooms were occupiedso for 10 dollars a night i was given a mattress in their converted garagesharing it with six other peoplei begin my stupid job of opening and closing the officetwo hours by bus from venice beach to downtown los angeles california martand two hours backthe long public bus commute downtown was fine by mejust the drunken and vagabonds returning every nightwith brawling on the bus...gets to memy job is meaningless and ridiculousso i soon begin to sketch and discuss my ideas for watch designsto the amazement of prakash and wife lourdesthey are extremely intelligent entrepreneursand instantly realise the value and marketability of my designs 239
  • coming up in a few months is the largest watch fair in the worldthe hongkong watch and clock fairand i am now into my second month designing watches for their companymy salary is raised again to 1200 dollarsa radically new and totally unusual collection of watchesappears on their stand at the september fair with me taking ordersthe news is full of my radical designs and sales reach over 300000 dollarson a profit of fifty percent for the companyand three percent towards my design royaltiesi have earned nine thousand dollars in one weekjust need to manufacture and ship outback in los angeles with a new beginning as a watch designermy success allows for more radical design work to be commissionedand freedom to create new designs and travel to and from hongkongi no longer need to travel by public busand purchase on monthly instalment a toyota celica convertiblethank you osho…it is all for youconvertable open top freedom in los angeleswhere a car is simply a camel in the deserti learn to drive on american freeways and get a grip on my directionsmy salary increases to 1700 plus 3 percent for design and salesand i am now sent on a round the world tripto expose my designs and watches to buyers globallyprakash and lourdes have travelled around the worldon their watch business so frequently that they are million mile flyersand being tired of travel and sales they have me now to replace themi am to fly around the world three times a yearwith another two short trips to major watch fairs in hongkong and switzerlanddesign travel sales…design travel sales…design travel salestimed to their selling season and manufacturing and shipment turnarounds 240
  • for two years i travel extensively and swiftly around the globeentire south america, the far east, the middle east, all european countries andamerica, every country possible to set up importers and distributorsthey arrange the best five star hotels with 500 dollar daily business expensesmy past interest in the world of fashion and design surfacesi begin to read while travelling hundreds of books on fashion and designi am fascinated by jean paul gaultier, yves saint laurent, karl lagerfeld,calvin klein, donna karan, armani, gianfranco ferre, missoni, krizia, dior,gianni versace, issey miyake, kenzotwo years of grind around the worldstill walking slowly and gracefullyam spotted in the middle of munich airportwalking slowly towards the plane by a beer drinking sannyasinhey rajneesh is that you…you still walking slowlyin a building in manhattan…hey rajneesh another sannyasin shouts outis that really you still walking slowlyin london camden town…hey cannot believe it…rajneesh still walking slowlyin basel switzerland babalabar…wow…this guy is crazy still walking slowlythey still remember my slow walking…spot me in the middle of shinjuku tokyojust the contrast and the shock of my slownessthey recognise the difference immediately out of a crowdthese two years of travelling i am learning to be ordinary and just myselfthe world is a great teacher if you can move consciously and watchfullythis earth is a lotus paradise if one has eyes to see deeplyto live life to its fullest and understand its significancewe are living in such explosive and creative timeswith so much freedom to expressand experience the outer world and all its pleasuresto travel at will and experience other cultures and lifestyleseach part of this earth has evolved in such different and colourful wayseach has its own flavour and meaningeach striving and growing towards perfection 241
  • the old man jogging in the park…the beggar on the streetthe woman knitting for her loved one…the mother with her childthe children studying for exams…the artist on his canvasthe dancer in his performance…the waiter serving a drinkthe stewardess comforting tired passengers…the pilot in his cockpitthe new york taxi dropping you off…the shopkeeper at his daily choresteenagers partying into the night…a musician in the subwayparents excelling in their jobs…to improve for their familieseach and every soul seeking to better themselves…strive higher and higherthis entire dance of existence…a spiritual dance into eternitythis is the most beautiful planet in our galaxystretching out into the vast milky way…galaxies upon galaxiesour earth is alive with a humanityreaching towards the starsi begin to see this vast humanity in a new lightthis earth is brimming with seekers…all are seekers to medoing their very best in their ordinary livessincerity in every passing eye that i see…all deserving moremuch much more…much much morethe truthwaiting silently within each and every heartand within each silent breathbeing aware of awareness itselfonly consciousness can get you thereto the truth of yourselfthe immortal inner beingafter two years with the los angeles companyam headhunted by their cousin dinesh a large watch company in hongkongat 3000 dollars salary with profit sharingor ten percent royalties on turnover of sales of my designswith my ownership of any patents and design registrations 242
  • i always felt alien in america…closer to asian culture and lifestylethis move brought me closer to my return to india and manalii was working just to secure enough money to return to meditationand made it clear to the hongkong company i would work for only one yearthe very first design i create for which i take out a worldwide patentbecames famous and internationally recognisedin the shape of the electric guitarthis watch was a huge success worldwideand turnover touched over three million dollarssales and doors opening to all in the music world…fan clubs of rock starselvis presley…graceland…dolly parton…disneyland…the beatlesrolling stones…bmg music…the mtv world of teenagers were buying them upmail order catalogues and top end to mass retailers worldwidefrom qvc television sales and reaching down to mass retailers like walmartthis hot selling design created the next series of musical designsand another hot seller the motorbike watch lineall over the news in the watch world with hundreds of articles worldwideand a huge international sales campaign by my distributors and importersi travelled twice around the world to introduce and launch these designsas i had promised only one year i cut off and retired exactly in novemberi had promised myself i would be back in manali before january 19 1995i could not afford to waste my valuable time just earning moneythis was not the reason i was living formy hongkong family was surprised againthey had imagined i would stay on to create my own company to grow biggeri was now a recognised designerhad earned nearly three hundred thousand dollars this yearnow being in the news could ride on the wave and make much morethere is a famous sayinga fool and his money are soon partedthe indian controls on foreign exchange were still in forcei transferred part of the money to a cousinto take indian currency in exchange for transferring the moneysome i invested and sold another investment of my indian companywith cheques in exchange 243
  • again…a fool and his money are soon partedthe individual who took over my indian companyintentionally gave me bad chequeswhich were dishonoured the day i went into silence january 1995the cousin of mine refused to pay me my transferred moneywhich created a snowball effect on the other investments i had madethree large amounts were lost in just a matter of one monthforty thousand dollars worth of bad chequesthirty five thousand dollars in lost transfersforty five dollars thousand lost in an investmenton my departure the hongkong company offers me thrice my salarya partnership which would earn seven hundred thousand dollars for one yearmy sister calls me again and again to come back and not lose the offerstarting out at four hundred dollars earning three hundred thousandlosing it alland standing at a crossroad to make a millionor move on with nothingi could not look back now and had no more time to wastei would take whatever i had in reserve and spend it the next four to five years 244
  • chameleon moonas strange fortune would have iti lost almost all my money in delhi but in these days of delaybut met my tibetan daikini yangchenshe decided to come with me to manali in my retreat and live with meliving in the himalayas grants me the ease and lifestyle i loveletting my hair grow long to my waist…growing my beardwearing a simple lungi…a wrap around cloth at my waistliving bare chested with a shawl just for travelthe perfect life of a yogi meditating in snow clad himalayashere the simple lungi wrapis haute couture and our prêt a porteri return to manali to drown myself into silenceback on the inner journey
  • driving to manali in my toyota celica that was shipped to indiai arrive 2 in the morning and drive up towards vaishist and ambassador hotelin the faint moonlight i see a white cottage on the way upit strikes me and driving past see the signwhite cloud cottagedrive further upwards passing a beautiful tibetan gompawith an expansive eagles eye view into the valley of the beas river flowingi knew in that moment that this was the signi would take this place and live here for my retreatnext day i reach the cottage and meet the owner from the tibetan gompathis cottage is rented out to tourists on a daily basiswe work out a price for a year…pay the years rent and move insnow falls in the first week decemberoshos birthday arrives in pure white snowcomplete silence pervades the manali valleyeverything is virgin whitesilent and stillthe rooms are heated with wood fired tandoorswe are now ready for the coming winter retreatand the dive inwards beginsi was to move into silence for one yearthe individual who bought my company knew i would go into silencethe very first cheque bounced exactly in januaryi was just a sannyasin moving into silencewhere would i have time to fight in indian courts in the mountains of manalii hire a lawyer to look into the matter and to file chargesunder the negotiable instrument actthinking they would take care of this matter and i would continue inwardsbut i am harassed by lawyers and the courtto make appearances and move again and again to the courts 246
  • the indian courts and legal loopholes with indefinite hearing datesjudicial delays and the inherent corruption are a different story altogetherwhere the criminal escapes and the one seeking justice becomes a criminalto seek justice in this corrupt system is a crimenot fit for this booki learn through experience and am not really surprisedby now i have seen enough to know where this world is headedthe material world…the spiritual world…all upside downi need to save my precious moments in this life and move deeply inwardsthis inner movement needs urgency and totalitythe inner dive beginsi spend the next two years deepening the journeyeach time i reach a horizon that horizon recedes into another horizonthe journey becomes the goal…no goal…just the journey…step by stepeach universe leads into another universeand into another universe of perception and new understandinglike peeling onion rings…one by one 247
  • i and am taken care of by my beautiful tibetan daikini yangchenshe is silent and restful by natureat home totally content with small simple routinesshe does not know what is happening with mei have left her alone and do not want to influence her in any waythat would be conditioning her and forcing her spiritual growthliving with me she has already transformed immenselyand at her own pacewithout any reason has stopped eating meatnot wanting to meet people and remain silently on her owntotally content with simply doing nothingno demands on me for anythingshe is perfect and glowing in her natureit requires infinite patiencebut once one has seen the light these years of delay are very valuablethe explosions that are to descend are of great magnitudethe body requires time to transform and prepare for deeper layerson the other hand one becomes lazy and totally contentedwith each day as it passes by…no hurryno rush no seeking and no desire for morethe journey has changed in direction and in dimensionthe vertical upliftment has moved into horizontal wideningthe trunk is getting broader and broaderthe roots getting deeper and deeperthe foliage spreading wider and widerfrom seeking and moving outwardsto allowing and resting inwardsyears can pass with little dramatic changeone is just becoming ordinaryand then suddenlyout of the blue it strikes when one expects it least 248
  • the arrival of monsoon in julythe air is now enlarging the breath in the mountain lungsthe green is getting greenerit is 1997 and out of the blue skywithout warning the kundalini starts to erupt againbut with controlled stillness and vast gathering of forcesthe days and nights become oneagain i am transported into the skyhigh above into the atmospherefloating in the clouds and descending rainsthe magical universe is again showering its secretsi am much stronger and still and watching silentlythe next few months and its revelationsthe same windows opening…the same explosion of blissbut in stillness and with a deep calmi move into a forest guest house to be away from my cottagefind a new and unfamiliar surroundingmy being feels revitalised in the movea small forest rest housea river rushing by just metres from the roomdrowned by torrential rain flooding the embankmentthe rushing sound of the river vibrating into the entire spacethe river chanting om…om…om…om…omom…om…om…om…om…bliss exploding into the airthe explosion happensthis is to be my third explosionyangchen is inwardly aware that something is happening to mewomen have intuition and speak lessshe is to be a perfect companion for me these daysjust there taking care of meno words just aware and silent 249
  • this is the tibetan way…talk less and remain silently watchingthank you yangchen for the care you took over me all these daysmy life is truly blessedand she has been a blessing to me alwaysi have the very best at my side whenever i need them mostkundalini has two spiral forces moving in opposition directionsida the female forcepingula the male forceboth meeting at the centre sushumna the vertical powerful electric blue linethe greater the opposition of the ida and the pingulathe greater the attraction and pull towards the centre sushumnathe balance of oppositesthe negative and positive polar oppositescomplementaries for the life force of the sushumnain this balance lies the keythe balance force between the ida and pingulathe balance force between the yin and yang 250
  • the perfect balance and spiralic movement in oppositiondraws the attraction of these oppositesdirectly merging into the intersection of the life force sushumnathis meeting at the intersection of the sushumna is explosive and atomicthe greater the balance and vaster the oppositionthe greater the explosive meeting at each centreradiating into a chakra of lightseven higher and higher centres exploding in harmonyeach in it own frequency of lightred orange yellow green blue indigo violetall merging and meeting into pure white lightsatori is the atomic explosion of any one chakrathe chakra experiencing an immense overflowingreaching beyond the boundaries of the bodymind formone with the open skysamadhi is the atomic explosion of the sushumna blue linetriggered by meetings of several chakras in a rapid vertical atomic explosionexperiencing beyond the boundaries of the bodymind formone with the open skyherein lies the differencesatori a glimpse into the beyondthe after effects of satori last a week or sosamadhi an explosion into the beyondthe after effects of samadhi last for a few monthssatori the experience in small measuresingle dimensional one chakrasamadhi the experience immeasurablemultidimensional several chakras 251
  • samadhi has irreversible effect and a tall vertical opening into the skywith ascent of gravity and descent of zero gravity to fill the vacuumdisplacement of gravity creates an inner vacuumand existence has no allowance for vacuumwith gravity displacedzero gravity needs to take its placethe initial experiencing of emptiness in meditationsbecomes filled with the fullness of zero gravity and the beingemptying out mind…gravityfilling in no mind…zero gravitythe superconciousness that is released into the skythe body slowly pulls it back trapping it inside for protectioneach samadhi enlarges the core and requires the body to settle in againi had always been interested in quantum physics and particle sciencei was reading fritjof capra in my formative yearsthese years see my understanding of quantum physics growthe inner experiencing of millions of dancing exploding particlesin vast inner spaces of emptinesssurrounded and immersed in a velvety like feathery black holenourishing and creating white holeslife has its dynamics and inner interplayboth are interdependentdie to live and live to dielife moves towards death…death creates more lifeand the dance goes on…and on…and ontill the big circle…the dhamma wheel…turns full circle 252
  • i arrive back from the river rest houseand go to the tibetan gompa above my cottagetheir old lama tells me that white cloud cottage was builtjust twenty metres from the garden and the exact same spotwhere osho gave sannyas to his first eighteen people in 1970he had loved the view of the river from this elevated pointand loved walking in these winding forest pathwaysleading to the mineral sulphur baths in vashistwhat a surprise and great delight…what a miraclei had driven straight to this spot a year agoin the middle of the nightwe move into a quieter hemkund cottage in a beautiful apple orchardand are to spend another four years hereliving in silence and taking walks into the forested mountainsamongst the pine trees and by the river bankssoon my money runs out…most of it is given to lawyerswho continue to fight the court casesfinancial difficulties once againon feburary 2000 after five years i am to return with yangchen to hongkong 253
  • pearl in the oystershona and ramesh always welcomed my returnit has been five years since i have seen themthey have had their fifth child by nowthe first son tushar and four daughters natasha ramona trina and sherinai am totally in love with each one of themit is such a joy to see them all againall the children take an instant liking to yangcheni now love the world in its natural flow and elementsunconcerned with the journey towards enlightenment or distant achievementsjust living their daily mundane lives without any fussi have no children…shona has done the job for our whole family
  • ramesh is very soft spoken and has a great and warm heartwith an indian father…born in burma…a thai motherthe grace and dignity of the thai cultureflows lovingly through his actions and responses towards all he meetsi love him immensely and have know him to deeply love my sistermy sister is extremely simple and very passionate like a childinnocent to the world and only concerned with taking care of her five childrenthey have been married for seventeen yearsramesh decides that it is time i worked with their companyand creates a new division named kooltime for my designsto be manufactured by his large successful company time creationsi promise i will stay and work in hongkong for atleast three yearsmy very first design for kooltimethe fifth dimension vertical watch cone is launched and wins the covetedhongkong trade development council design award 2000my kool watches are in the news all over the watch trade againwith hundreds of articles pouring in with great reviewsbusiness takes off again…with a worldwide marketing campaignkool design watches reach sales worldwidekarstad, nekerman, quelle, schneider, hach, manor, christ jewellers,television sales on qvc, the federated stores, walmart, flax art, momathe list is endlessa modern and contemporary art to wear line of watchescatches the attention of the hongkong federation of industriesi receive the hongkong award for industries consumer product design 2001the awards create a name for me internationally and am recognisedwith articles appearing in the prestigious swiss journal europa starzen and the art of watch manufacturingmy salaries and earnings touch three hundred thousand dollars yearlyand the design awards create many new openings worldwide for me 255
  • my interest in the design world and consumer products designlifestyle…interior…furniture…modern architecturelead me to read deeply and study the great iconic designers likephilippe starke, terence conran, marc newson, erik magnussen,arne jacobsen, michael graves, jacob jenson, ron arad, zaha hadid,i m pei, frank o gehry, frank lloyd wrightthese to me are the modern geniuses and zen masters of the outer worldeach perfecting and mastering themselves in creative expressionrebellious lifestyle statements of visual artdisplaying the multitalented nature of this human racerequiring great discipline in their chosen fields of perfectionpure zen expressioni begin travelling around the world again to meet customers witha new relaxed ease and begin to appreciate lifestyles of those in the worldi had not read a newspaper for twenty yearsnor actually watched any television nor watched a movie for sixteen yearsi had no idea of computers or the internet or emaili was catching up with the rest of the worldand amazed at the explosion everywhere and the power of creativitythis world was colourful and dynamici was watching everything with stillness and watchfulnesszen prevents one from nothingthe zen experience allows deep appreciation of each and everythinglife is a dancing rainbow of colours 256
  • satyam shivam sunderam…truth…good…beautytravel and experience of the creative outerworldwith zen eyes allows this beauty to filter inwardsand expands our inner world with aesthetic sensitivityi was enjoying each and every moment of this newly found freedomto learn and experience the outerworld againyangchen travelled with me on most of my world tripsshe made me visit places i would never have visited on my ownfeeling stupid going to disneyland, las vegas casinos, miami beachessan francisco bay, new york, hyde park by carriage, aloha dinnersunderwater submarine in hawai, madame tussauds wax museumand all kinds of the silly tourist spots around the worldfrom america to london switzerland france holland germanythe far east tokyo korea thailand bali singapore shanghai new zealandthe balance of the inner world and the outer worldthe world of zorba the buddha 257
  • the three years that i had promised to work end sooni plan to leave for manali again…to complete my journeyyangchen a tibetan from a small remote town of arunachalin northern himalyan india has fallen in love with the world and its materialpleasures and the aliveness of living and travelling around the worldshe is still young at 26 and adventurous with a youthful spirit of freedomhaving just travelled the world wishes to live on in hongkongnot wanting to go back to what is now boring to her…life in the himalayasi can see her resistance to returning to indiaand she decides to move on with her own life and go to americait is the wish of every tibetan to settle and live in america their dreamlandand slowly bring their brothers and sisters and parents to settle therei wish her all my love and support in her path of self expressionand am always ready to help her in any way to realise her dreamsi always remain grateful for all the beautiful moments we have sharedlove is vertical…in the herenow…always aliveeach beautiful meeting with strangers in this vast galaxyis an experience of sharing and deeper understanding of lovewe are friends and fellow travellers of light in this vast universewe come alone and go alone 258
  • synchronicity zerothree years have passed i return and arrive back to manali 15 january 2004moonwater cottage in my apple orchardfacing the white snow peaked rohtang mountainsit is a huge snowfallsnowflakes shining against the stormy black skiesa pure white and silent 19 januarywith a roaring log fire in front of mei am in abundance and in bliss of alonenessosho knocks on the door and i open itpure stardust floating gently downosho fire and icehis cool fire of compassion descends upon me
  • the time is coming…i must move into the final journeythe endless path must take a quantum leapinto the beginning of another endless journeyi remain awake into the early morning dawnthe world sleeping in pure bliss of ignorancetime to look back at the worldfrom cradle to the graveman is rushing by himself…passing by life unawarebeing born into this mad rushing worldand pushed into their journey of lifethe world of education at the early age4 to 5 nursery…6 to 16 schooling17 to 20 college…21 to 23 higher studiesan entire life of youth wastedthe whole education system is criminal and against the innocent childwho has no choice but to follow whatever is thrust upon him 261
  • from the very first day in nurserythe whole education is geared to training the mindtowards competition and aggression and jealousy and judgementthis fact is simple and of clear understandingas no parent wants their beloved child to be behind otherseveryone wants their child to come first…be the best…always aheadit is impossible that everyone can come first in classthis mathematical principle would defeat even poor albert einsteinonly one child can come first…second…then thirdwhich child wants to be third class…any takerswhich child is congratulated for coming in lastany child with a dumb aptitude just to memorise stupid dates and numbersand meaningless bits of knowledge comes first in classeducation just tests memory and not intelligence in any waythe subjects taught are all meaningless to the poor childbut teachers are serious and parents pressurising to do well in schoolthe innocent child has no choicejust cramming their innocent minds with garbage and rubbishthey are there to carry the dustbins of our past glory…or gory for that matterthe poor child is taught aboutalexander the great…genghis khan…tamurlane…ivan the terrible…hitlergreat battles and world wars…destruction and destructionwhat is so great about alexander the greatjust his egoistic conquering insanitymurderer termed the great conqueror 262
  • historythe stupidities of our past remembered with pridegeographythe reasons for the division of our one earth into separate nationsbiologyall about everything except ourselves and our place in naturechemistryall about everything but what to do with chemical hormones of fear or angermathematicswhere one plus one is two but never fits into our real world of countinglanguageall is talk and talk and the language of silence is no means of communicationthe whole education is upside down geared for the average massesall subjects and syllabus and exams to exactly fit millions of different childrenfrom different social economic cultural religious backgroundsinto one single exam pattern with no variationall children carbon copies like a plastic factory churning out toyseach with the same barbie doll smile…exactly the samewe are simply creating robots for a controlled environmentcomfortable and easy to manage in our conditioned societyall people must fit into one mentally acceptable social groupno wonder this human race is confusedfragmented and divided against itself…and always at war with itselfno child loves himself…no child accepts himself…no child can be himselfno child loves himselfand silently and deeply knows they are being crushedby the education system to cram and struggle against their natureto do well and be rewarded with meaningless degrees for employmentevery child is conditioned that they are stupid and need to be educatedthey know nothing…that they are not fit the way they arethey do not deserve reward without struggle and effort 263
  • divided from childhood they learn hate and learn politics of the smilethey hate themselves for failing to satisfy their eager and loving parentsteachers elders society and nationsthey learn to hate their parents and elders for forcing them against theirnature and learn to smile jimmy carter smilesall smiles all around…just keep smiling hurting inside…it pays to smileno child accepts themselves as they arehow can they when they are rejected by all around…for stupid meaninglessreasons which appear to be serious and important by retarded grownupsdo not cry be a man…live for society…live for another…sacrifice yourselfgo to war and fight for your nationno child can be himselfbecome this or become that…become this powerful presidentor that famous doctor or that important government dignitaryor anything else will do…but do not become just yourselfthe very first lesson in life…the only few worth unlearninglove yourself…accept yourself…be yourselflove yourselfby not loving yourself the small silent and fragile energyis divided and fragmented from within and a cancer grows rapidly unseendo not love others…just learn to love yourself firstone who loves himself understands the value of love from withinself love is the way to inner health and growth of self knowingthis love grows and blossoms through seven pillars of inner lightlove nourishes and soon spreads on it own accord to othersaccept yourselfwhat a stupid boring world we would live in if all humans were exactly samelearn acceptance of yourself just the way you areexistence has given birth to you and accepts you unconditionallyyou are breathing and alive with its aliveness…a miracle in itselfeach and every individual in unique and irreplaceable in this vast cosmosthe very beauty of you remains its unique signature 264
  • be yourselfyou can try and pretend as much as this society demands of youto be someone else and to live the life of the impossible imposterthere is only one way and that is being yourselfwhatsoever you are just relax at ease and be yourselfjust out of being yourself a tremendous grace and beautywill be released and will radiate all around youlove yourself…accept yourself…be yourselfthese qualities will create for the first timean individual whose inner flame is undividablea great pool of energy will gather and surround youwith this an inner trust will arise from within youinner trustinner trust settles being and we are at home in our vast friendly universeone drops this maddening rush seeking relief from our inner emptinesseach individual has an inner being still and silently waiting to be heardlearn to listen and trust your inner voiceit will need a deep listening as you have forgotten its silent guiding voicelearn to trust your inner voice and master guideexistence is supporting you each momentshowering all its blessings on you with each breathlife is proof of this blessinggo in…go in…go in…in deep love and deep trustinner trust will expand your inner sensitivities and your beingyou are a being of light…expand your consciousness and live more being 265
  • howsoever small your inner flame…it is your inner flamedo not borrow it from any teacher or guru or masterthey cannot give you anythingyour life spark fires from within your innermost templeno one can reach there but youit is your inner sacred sanctum…you are your own master thereonly you can reach and ignite your firea true mastercan at the most only inspire youto live your being…live in your lightfrom an individual one grows towards collective compassionand collective compassion grows towards cosmic godlinessthe journey is simplefrom the fragmented many…to the individual one…to the cosmic alllive life…love life…accept life with laughter and joylife is a pure celebration of you…a celebration of your beingbeing alive each moment in this dance of this universe
  • before one begins the searchlook into your own inner skyto rediscover what you already haveyou are the ultimate expression of this universeand carry all the experiences of this cosmos within your beingman is a micro cosmosevery atomic particle that you possess has its origins in this creationand has passed organically as a whole through each stage of evolutionyou carry within youthe seed and the flowering and the entire knowing of existencethe five senses with which you perceive the outer world all lead outwardthe sixth sense opens new perceptions inwardsinto the inner sky which is far vaster than the outeras it is the experiencer itself which is now being perceivedthe real meaning of educationis to draw out…from your inner well of knowledgethe inner sky carrying all the treasuresbefore you set out to learn moredive in to understand and experience what treasures you already haveyou are the universe 267
  • science is an exploration of the outer scientistthe outer scientist explores the outer worldwith instruments using his five sensesmeditation is an exploration of an inner scientistthe inner scientist explores the inner worldwith insight using his sixth sensethe scientist knows more and more to know all about nothingthe mystic knows less and less to know no thing about allthe scientist is looking for the outer building block of existencethe outer science…knowledge…is just matterthe mystic seeks the inner spaces of existencethe inner meditation…knowing…is what mattershaving now completed his meaningless educationthe child now grown up has to recover investments in education 21 to 24get a job…work hard…earn money…find a girlfriend becomes 25 to 32settle down get married and have children becomes 32 to 40responsibilities to bring up growing children becomes 40 to 45broods over the meaning of life 45 to 50become wiser and seeks the truth 50 to 60finds life meaningless…has one foot in the graveha le lu ya…ha le lu ya the angels sing welcome to heaven…the short cutthis almost inevitable pattern works perfect for this established societythey have found a healthy reproductive specimen who has paid his duesand left another to replace his job…keep society alive 268
  • the family is responsible for creating enemiesyou are my son and my daughter…my bloodthose are others children…others bloodherein begins the great divide amongst nationschildren divided…families divided…neighbourhood dividedstate divided…country divided…nations divided…religions dividedparents divide children…into familiespolitics divide lands on the earth…into nationsreligions divide fictitious lands in the sky…into heavenly kingdomsall and everything dividedtaught to love others…that love unitesgreat hypocrisythe amazing greed of the human mind…our values are turned upside downsome eat to live and some live to eatsome earn to live and some live to earnthe beggar with his bowl and extended arms returns emptywith nothing sleeping deeply into the nightthe begging billionaires carrying bowls seeking more and morethe skull a bowl of inner poverty restless into the nightthe dead and buried live on fertile landswhile the living try find shelter so they may livespending millions for temples of gold for gods who own paradisewhile the poor are given hope for a place in paradisethe giver falls in his ego to give…the receiver rises in his bow to receive 269
  • man seeks answers from afarman has reached the moon reaching mars and distant planetsbut has not even gone into the silence of his beinglistening to frequencies and wavelengths for extraterrestrials intelligencebut never listened even for a moment to his own breathclimbs mount everestbut fears to descend into his own beingthe supreme most intelligence just within his own navelthe inner working of the mind and no mind remain unexploredstrange universe we live in…of great explorers and adventurersthis humanity is living in constant state of wara battlefield on eartha battlefield in the skya hall of mirrors in a minefield…an inner state of turmoilreligion against religion in psychic wars in the skythe greatest wars being fought are within man himselfthe struggle of inner darkness and unconsciousnessa minefield in a hall of mirrors…our outer state of turmoilif that were not enough trust our politicianscreating wars to remind people who is in powersending professional hired assassins licensed to killunder international laws of nations 270
  • nuclear waris our reward to this divine existence for showering its blessingsnuclear waris our gratitude towards this abundant earth animals nature trees oceansnuclear warthe expression of our love and compassion and greatness of human raceremember hiroshima and nagasakiwe are all grave diggers…being led towards the cemetery this centurywe are the world…we are all responsible…each one of usjust one single dropmirroring this vast divine existenceone single drop of pure eternityeach one of us a dropa teardrop of love…a teardrop of joyeach individual is responsibledrop by drop…we can become one oceandrop by drop…drop by drop…drop by dropour oceans will become pure love filled with joy 271
  • drop by cosmic drop the year passes in reflection and deepening stillness i prepare for the next quantum leap deep tissue bodywork three days a week opening each and every tissue and muscle breathing each muscle into energy release balancing breath and muscle tissue ancient ayurvedic oil baths with hot medicated oils and pounding hot herb packs and deep massages two years of deep body work and preparation a strict diet of simple food and juices and fruits sleeping a in pitch dark room one hour soaking hot tub baths
  • refreshing walks in the forestsitting by the riverbreathing and opening the lungs deeplydetoxifying and totally purifying the bodythe body needs deep preparationthe explosive openings of consciousnessrequires vast spaces to expand intothe body must be totally relaxed and openeach muscle sponge like porous and absorbenta breathing organic wholean expanded breath…one breatha vast pool of powerful stillness gathersi am aware an inner storm is going to ariseand implode into another samadhito spend one week before each full mooni move to span resort a paradise himalayan retreatwith luxury cottages and long river walkswhere osho lived when he returned to indiahis room is too sacred for me to live ini take up the next roomthese days are filled with exploding light and freshnessand my body is becoming lighter and lighter againgravity is lifting and my walk is growing wings againthe body disappearing into thin airfor years i have not listened to musichave stopped dancingi had always danced everyday for hours and hoursmusic and dance has been my lifeand deepest companion for these past twenty yearslistening to kitaro, deuter, karunesh, prem joshua,kamal, anugama, shastro, hariprasad, zakir hussain,omar faruk, patrick o hearn, yanni, yamashirogumithese are the most creative beings on this planeti have deeply admired their passion and tremendouscontribution towards human inner growth 273
  • i begin living my dancing days againi am coming closer and closer to another peaki wish to move into an unfamiliar jungle like area with a river flowingwhere the energy is wild and free of human thought and commotioni search another place in the mountainsarrive in the mountain lake town of riwalsarwhere the greatest tibetan master lotus born padmasambhavameditated and taught out of his cavewith hundreds of caves located in this remote himalayan areathe energy is peaked and a vast stillness all aroundthe basin like lake in the centreacting like a singing bowl echoing sounds into riwalsar at nightgathering all the collective energy of hundreds of tibetan monksmeditating into these mountains like a huge buddhafieldi wish to live in a tibetan monastery to be close to the chanting monkslighting thousands of lamps and incense stickswith hundreds of deities and statues of their revered masters and buddhasi find a beautiful retreat in a monasteryand move the next day to guru padmasambhavas caveclimbing the long stairs upwardsto find a cave dripping with water and damp with moisturei enter and immediately feel thousands of strings pulling out of my crownneed to sit very still…the force in the cave is powerful and strongwater is dripping onto my body from the cavehours pass…in deep silencea force grips me like a bench vice from all aroundmy body is pulled upwards with a powerful forcetwist deeply left and then turn my spine sharply rightguru padmasambhava has untied the huge knot embedded in my backthe body releases a ball of explosive forcei need to move out quicklythe cave is now too small and i am suffocatingi need trees and forests and a flowing river nowi bow deeply in gratitude to his lotus feet…guru padmasambhava 274
  • i know i need to move to a deeper and more silent forested placeand move towards nearby parvati valleywhere lord shiva and parvati once livedthis mystical forest town of kasol frequented by travelling backpackersin the heart of paradise valley of the parvati riverswiftly flowing down from khir ganga through manikaranwhere sant baba guru nanak dev ji and mardana passedi find a simple clean alpine guest housejust metres from the parvati rivers gushing soundsi knew it would be hereonce again it would descend upon me herei am in paradise again…the air is transparent cleanand filled with dancing particles of the charged riverone month passes sitting still drinking and drowninginto the sweet sound of the river rushing byi am exploding into ecstasylistening to heavenly music and the dance beginssix to eight hours into the night till daylight appearsthe dancer and the dance lostinto a pure flame of motionless motion 275
  • the dance continues and continues into each nightthe music pulls me into ecstasy and dance explodesa bliss is gatheringthe river pulling me…the forest pulling methe sky pulling me…the silence pulling mei am expanding and expanding in each directionan explosion of bliss is gatheringthe river dancing…the forest dancingthe sky dancing…the silence dancingthe dance goes on…the dance goes on and onthe inner space implodesthe river is twinkling diamonds…diamonds rushingthe forest radiating diamonds…diamonds twinklingthe sky pouring diamonds…diamonds rainingthe silence descending diamonds…diamonds floating 276
  • sky showering i dance alonelight exploding everywhere…everything white…pure white lightpure beauty pure bliss pure silence descends upon mesilence growing deeper and deeper and deeperi am transported above the river and pine treesand the snow mountains and the clouds into the blue skiessheer beauty unfolds in front of me…a vision of the great life aheadi am filled with a mystical wonder…my eye is open…i am awakejust waiting to come back into the worldthis breathtaking spectacle floating before my seeing eyethe heavenly grandeur of these diamond peaks of consciousness
  • i stand alone the majority of one sat chit anandultimate truth…ultimate consciousness…ultimate bliss i am drowned in silence om om om om om the universe is drowned om om om om om vibrating the entire space i was lost i found drowned am lost again who am i 278
  • diamonds floating pure emptiness i look upwards descending osho…osho…osho tears of bliss tears of the mystic rose 279
  • i bow with infinite gratitude osho master of masters buddha master of infinite compassionkrishnamurti master of being your own master 280
  • osho never born never died only visited the planet earth betweendec 11 1931 – jan 19 1990 rajneesh born january 20 1961 died january 19 1990 reborn january 19 1990 will never die rajneesh a friend 281
  • r a j n e e s h
  • tears of the mystic rose is a message of compassion and love towards all fellow travelers on the paththe simple cost to create design print publish distribute mailout this book makes it unaffordable to most seekers of truth tears of the mystic rose has been made into a free downloadable ebook for all as a gesture of your support any small contribution or donation will be immensely helpful and valuable donations by paypal to “ newman@oshorajneesh.net ” please contact us if you would like more information on how to support oshorajneesh new man vision - holland if you would like to send a donation by check moneyorder or bank transfer email to rajneesh@oshorajneesh.net www.oshorajneesh.net
  • on a golden platterinitially rajneesh was to speak to a selected few in evening satsangto begin 20 november till oshos birthday 11 december 2007existence changed courseone evening what began as spontaneous writing on his laptopled to a sudden unedited downpour86 hours 181 pages in a span of 24 dayshis first ever attempt at writing…raw unedited and spontaneoussimple in his own unrefined unpolished way of expressingnot borrowing words of wisdom from his masterhe wants it left untouched raw and cleana mysterious story of his journey revealed to inspire fellow travellers tears of the mystic rose sent to print 11 december 2007 first edition released on 19 january 2008 second special ebook edition 11 april 2008
  • trail blazers paintings ekin www.ekinart.com ekinart@yahoo.com graphics soma www.walkingonthinice.net soma@diptica.com www.oshorajneesh.net ebook osho rajneesh new man vision 6 d estoril court two 55 garden road hongkong v i s i o n all rights given freely for anyone to use without any authorized permission of the author except for commercial publishing www.oshorajneesh.net
  • winding pathways once upon a moon 2 streaks of fire 14 360º to paradise 20 the spiritual hitchhiker 30 lotus in chains 41 fathomless zero dive 44 descent into the black hole 60 the comets trail 72 secret of the mystic rose 78 drowned into his eyes 91 2500 years maitreya herenow 106 o great white swan 115 thorns and roses 126 the lions roar 133 ripples in a strange universe 148 cocoon camp one 157 invisible stardust 164 maroon robe rumours 172 wisdom moon crescent moon 185 diamond like thunderbolts 194 magnitude 9 on the richter scale 204 master thief paradox 212 warriors in exile 226 rags to riches to rags 237 chameleon moon 245 pearl in the oyster 254 synchronicity zero 260 drop by cosmic drop 272 on a golden platter 284
  • permission to use all paintings lovingly given by ekin www.ekinart.com
  • magnitude 9 on the richter scalediamond like thunderboltsrajneesh reveals oshomystical story of love