http://www.flickr.com/photos/michael_newman/153214300/ All rights reserved Permission was granted to use picture. Reality changes—market, economies, strategies, our spouses , children, and ourselves. As we drill down by interrogating changes, we learn. Mineral rights. Dig deep in one place rather than digging shallow in lots of places. Purpose is to tackle tough issues. If you are successful at asking, learning, and tackling tough issues, then the relationships will be better.
Honest laugh - snap out - pos state Happiness leads to more success - Shaun Achor - Harvard studies avge preschooler laughs or smiles 400 x day vs. 15 x day by 35.
Freeze frame game 2 sets 2 players
Playing Nice in the Sandbox Project Phoenix Dan Wiseman Wiseman Consulting and Training [email_address]
Express your needs in a way that can be heard and a dialogue can be maintained
Sense others feelings, needs, and interests in spite of how they are expressed
Manage your perceptions
If you are unclear, check them out with the other person
Do not worry about doing it right or perfect
Authenticity and good intentions often will prevail
Emotional confirmation is more important that the content at first
People can’t angry for long periods of time.
Be a non anxious presence as much as you can
Communicating During Conflict Create the Space : Right time, place, emotional level. Be Open: Seek first to understand. Be specific: Use I statements.. (I feel, I am concerned about, this is what I saw) Separate inventing from deciding: Generate multiple options before voting Speak for yourself: Let others have their say. Respect the rights of those not present. Use a Parking Lot Process: Set aside issues not appropriate to the meeting Focus on Interests not Positions: . Use language like “help me understand the reasoning on that” “Or how does this issue impact you”? Clarify your intentions: “what is your purpose? Or “What would you like out of this process?” Generate proposals: Such as “What I suggest is”….? “We could do”..? “My preference is to” … Agree on what you can: “I can agree with you on that”...” Or “it seems as if we both agree on”….? Or I can agree that we are stuck. Realize that some issues are wicked and can not be solved?
Being Unconditionally Constructive Adapted from Getting Together by Roger Fisher by Dan Wiseman
I will be rational even if others are acting emotionally. (Try to balance emotion with reason but remember until people are heard reason is of little use)
I will seek first to understand even if I am misunderstood (Try to find out what’s their concern)
I will consult with others before deciding on things that impact them even if they are not listening (Take the high road, model democratic processes)
I will be consistent with my principles and behavior even if others try to be deceptive or are untrustworthy (Practice what you preach but don’t be naive)
I will be firm but not violent or coercive in the way I influence others and will not yield to coercion. (Keep trying to persuade while paying attention to what’s important to others)
I will not reject others as unworthy even if they reject me and my ideas as worthy of consideration. (Maintain the relationship if possible and keep the lines of communication open)
Conflict Resources Never Call Them Jerks-Healthy Responses to Difficult Behavior by Arthur Paul Boers (Alban Institute) Conflicts, A Better Way to Resolve Them by Edward de Bono Getting Together and Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher, Scott Brown, And William Ury) Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh with foreword by Dalai Lama The Third Way by William Ury Managing Transitions by William Bridges Turning to One Another by Margaret Wheatly Is There No Other Way by Michael Nagel Gifts Differing Understanding Personality Type by Isabel Briggs Myers The Anxious Organization-Why Smart Companies Do Dumb Things by Jeffery A. Miller (Facts on Demand Press) Dealing with People You Can’t Strand (How to bring out the best in people at their worst) by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner). McGraw-Hill. Non Violent Communication a Language of Life by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg Fierce Conversations-Achieving Success at Work &In Life-One Conversation at a Time by Susan Scott
Emotional Leadership (Why it can matter more than IQ) by Daniel Goleman. 1995
Working with Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. 2000.
Test Your EQ (Find out how emotionally intelligent you really are) by Mark Davis, Ph.D. 2004
Websites: http://eqi.org (practical advice for increasing social skills and self control) and http://eiconsortium.org . (research components and finding on EQ). www.selfgrowth.com (advice on EQ, communications skills, and goal setting.)
Coping with difficult bosses by Nicholos R. Bramson. 1993 (Why bosses bully, stall and complain.)
Difficult conversations: how to discuss what matters most by D.Stone, B. Patton, and R. Fisher. 2000.
Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.2002.
Choosing Civility by P.M. Forni (25 rules of Considerate Conduct). 2002
Toxic People:10 ways of dealing with people who make your life miserable by L. Glass. 1995
Emotional Intelligence, Imagination, and Personality by P.Salovey, J.D. Mayer. 1990.
Now, Discover your Strengths ( A revolutionary program based on the Gallup study of 2 million people) by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton. 2001.