Issue 2

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Issue 2

  1. 1. November 1998 Volume 1: Issue 2 Door From Hell The
  2. 2. OUR STAFF PUBLISHER..................................ED BURTON PRESIDENT...................................ED BURTON VICE PRESIDENT..........................ED BURTON PHOTOGRAPHY.............................ED BURTON REPORTER....................................ED BURTON WRITER........................................ED BURTON GRAPHICS....................................ED BURTON SECURITY.....................................ED BURTON ANIMAL TRAINER........................ED BURTON SPECIAL EFFECTS.........................ED BURTON PROMOTIONS...............................ED BURTON KING............................................ED BURTON KEY GRIP.....................................ED BURTON ASSISTANT TO MR. BURTON..........ED BURTON SCOUT..........................................ED BURTON MOST LIKELY TO GET SUED...........ED BURTON CAPTAIN OF THE USS ENTERPRISE...........................JAMES T. KIRK LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS............................OPTIMUS PRIME all photos are copywrited either by me or someone else. 1998 by me, ealier by others.
  3. 3. TABLE OF CONTENTS 2...........................................TABLE OF CONTENTS 3.....................................”I’m Just Talkin’ ‘bout SHAFT” 4..........................ARTICLE FROM “THE ONION” (an online news publication) 5..........................................................................AD PAGE 6.............FROM THE EAT’N’PARK JOURNALS. 7/8............................................................DEATH. 9..............................................................CUT AND PASTE 10..........................................................GOOD COMPANY 11....................LETTERS FROM OUR READERS. 12.................................................................GANG TALK 13......................................IMPORTANT MESSAGE 14..............................................LAST PAGE PHOTO.
  4. 4. Nazi SS Cemetery Desectrated by Pro-Semitic Gaffiti DARMSTADT, GERMANY-- Steuben said. "But I suppose old Residents of this quiet Rhineland city prejudices die hard." awoke Monday to discover that Darmstadt police, working closely Heinrich Himmler Memorial with the Nazi Anti-Defamation Cemetery, the final resting place of League, are committed to bringing over 200 Nazi SS Officers who gave the perpetrators to justice. their lives for Germany in World War "This sort of hate crime must not II, had been desecrated during the be tolerated," police chief Klaus night with pro-Semitic graffiti. Meine said. "We will do everything "This is horrible, simply horrible," in our power to find the Jews said a tearful Grete Brautig, who responsible for this." found the headstone of her The vandalism is not the first g r a n d f a t h e r , Wa f f e n - S S incident of pro-Semitism to occur in Oberlieutenant Otto Brautig, defaced Darmstadt. In 1991, a group of with a spray-painted Star of David. Zionists marched through the streets "Why would anyone want to do such of the city, waving Israeli flags and an awful, hateful thing to my chanting in Hebrew. City leaders filed grosspapa, a man who loved a court injunction in an effort to block and fought for his country?" the march, but the Zionists, According to Darmstadt police, defended by the German Civil sometime between the hours of 1 and Liberties Union, won. 6 a.m., unknown persons vandalized "I will never forgive the GCLU the grave markers of dozens of for defending the Zionists," Steuben prominent SS men with pro-Semitic said. "I am all for free speech, but graffiti, including Jewish stars and that crossed the line." slogans like "Chosen People" and Support for the people of "Next Year In Jerusalem." Darmstadt has poured in from across It is believed to be the worst pro- Germany in the form of letters, Semitic crime in Darmstadt history. donations and personal visits from "You must understand, the Star of political figures. David is an incredibly painful symbol "Once more, Germans have for my people," said former Hitler become the victims of hatred, Youth member Conrad Steuben, 67, prejudice and intolerance," said whose father, SS-Unterscharführer former Austrian president Kurt Erich Steuben, was buried with full Waldheim in a speech given in the military honors at Darmstadt in 1945. Darmstadt town plaza. "This incident "It stands for the destruction of us serves as a reminder that we must and everything we believe in. Seeing remain vigilant about preserving the it scrawled across those gravestones memory of the four million Germans reopens many deep wounds." who died during World War II, so "I thought we had put pro-Semitism that similar tragedies can be behind us here in Darmstadt," prevented in the future. Never again." Courtesy of THE ONION - www.theonion.com
  5. 5. COMMERCIALS (REAL things worth plugging.) Order “Jack Kevorkian and the Morpheus Quintet ‘The Kevorkian Suite: A Very Still Life’” To Order, send check or money order to: RESIST RECORDS 2408 Penmar Ave. Venice, CA 90291 Include you email address and they’ll let you know when 10597-2 they receive your payment. $16.95 www.resist.pair.com Evan Jacobs makes great indie films. I recomend checking out his work if you can. He makes you believe ANYONE can make a film. members.aol. com/wldcatmg
  6. 6. FROM THE EAT’N’PARK JOURNALS Ah-HA! Attention synapses, poor employees who are the brain has left the trapped there for hours , building. Or rather the skull. simply for wanting to escape I’m drawing a blank. Here’s their dreary job. Denny’s has what a drawing of a blank no doubt already stole her looks like. (Framed of course, sanity and soul. Denny’s can with an inch border on the do that, you know. sides, and top, and an inch AHHHH...Jittery! COFFEE!! If and a half on the bottom.) I only had a huge hamster wheel. I believe I will donate a human sized hamster wheel to Eat’n’Park. I’ll have a little gold plate put on it, with my name engraved right on it. It will be called the Mat Luschek “I drank too much coffee” Human Hamster Oi, I’m getting wired. Coffee, Wheel. At least I’ll be in coffee, coffee. Silly girls in shape, if I use it every day. front of me. They discuss AHH!! cannot sit still...must nonsense about college and have motion! Spontaneous living with someone’s dad. combustion CAN happen. Hmm... One silly girl burned One day I’m afraid I’ll be the her mouth. Aww.. Denny’s sad proof of that. One too waitress enters. Traitor. Of many strong coffees... course, one can’t blame the and......BAM! Illustration by Hajime Sorayama. Check out his work, good stuff.
  7. 7. CUT AND PASTE!
  8. 8. THE KING OF MEDINA BEN LACKEY
  9. 9. LETTERS FROM OUR READERS! Wow. Someone actually responded! Here’s what we got from Dr. Goat of Strongsville, OH.... 8/29/98 Dear THE DOOR FROM HELL Staff, Thanks for sending me the first issue of THE DOOR FROM HELL. One word: Bravo! It’s obvious that the editors of this literary magazine truly understand and have a grasp on the literary world. I shared copies with all of my friends and he didn’t hate it. I look forward to the next issue and I only have a few suggestions: Mention my name more; more pictures of me; less clothing on Erin Grey and Carrie Fisher; less clothing on my pictures; a new cover which includes nude photos of me with Carrie Fisher, Erin Grey and the shorter of the two chipmunks on that Chip and Dale cartoon; pop-up pages of a giraffe being lynched by the KKK and Harry Truman; more contests that risk the lives of elderly women with hearing aides; complimentary spam-free crotchless panties (non-edible); a How-To-Speak-In- Tongues-Even-Though-No-One-Can-Spell-Lackadaisical- Correctly section; address the issue of circumcision vs. walnut heavers; and please don’t forget a political commentary on green- bean arm severing machines. I’ll include the rest of my ideas next issue. Thanks a bunch. Dr. Goat. Thanks Dr.Goat, you’ll receive a free stamp with your next issue. Look for it in the upper right hand corner of the back of the book.
  10. 10. From the Producer of the REMOTE VIEWING THROUGH SPACE AND TIME complete training course. Because of certain events, the violent and unforgiving Academy of Remote Viewing has corrections. decided to reveal openly to the Remote Viewing work done at general public sensitive A.R.V. (Academy of Remote information about intelligence- Viewing) seems to indicate that gathering Mental Remote Viewing the late summer months of 1998 Techniques that are highly probable flash points up-to-now had remained jealously for such occurrences. We feel a guarded by some governments duty to warn individuals, so that (updated with new critical they hopefully can prepare for this. material: March We, at the Academy of Remote 1998). It is reproduced on this Viewing, strongly feel that Web site. uncontrolled widespread runaway It is the hope of the Academy speculation is a much greater that this leap in the understanding pernicious social and economic ill of mind operations will help usher than runaway inflation. We live in a in times of new man in the third millennium historically unprecedented whose mental powers should open institutionalized greed and the door to a better and more financial speculation. congenial Authoritative governmental world. and monetary power-centers The Superpowers of the Mind should have behaved more are here, for each mind to use and responsibly and might eventually, benefit from. To our knowledge, m o s t p r o b a b l y, b e m a d e such revelations have not yet been accountable for having failed to officially disclosed anywhere else. prevent such obvious man-made ------------------------------------ disasters. Flash (April 98) - The Academy Artificially-induced economical of Remote Viewing would like to paradises are just that: Chimerical post the following message as a experiments of self-gratification public service: that inevitably bring down with Within the next couple of the collapse of their isolationist months, a window will open on mental walls real-world realities the near-term event horizon that that come then crushing down on shows a high probability for our all of us and face us with rebound world's financial markets strength and implacable (especially the worldwide stock consequences. bourses) to experience quite w w w. p ro b a b l e f u t u re . c o m
  11. 11. Mat Luschek 160 S. Fairmount St. Apt 8 Pittsburgh, PA 15206

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