1. Emotional Processing: We Are Not the Same 1
2. Oh, Those Tricky Questions and the Answers Women Want 5
3. The Myth of Universal Motives and Emotions 8
4. The 100% Principle 12
5. Prince Charming Doesn't Exist and Neither Does Miss Perfect 15
6. The Fairytale Ending: Does Happily Ever After Actually Exist? 17
7. Making Happiness Happen 19
8. Make It So: Creating Relationship Success 21
9. Time-Tested Takeaways 23
Get Even More 26
Thank you for purchasing this eBook. You’ve made a wise decision
and I commend you for taking a proactive approach to learn more
about how men react emotionally in relationships. This information is
essential in building a loving, positive relationship that continues to
grow and become even stronger.
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About the Author
Michael Fiore has magic thumbs.
At least that’s what his thousands of customers and devotees have
Since early 2010, Michael’s been teaching men and women around
the world how to use simple text messages sent from your average
cell phone to dramatically improve the romance, passion and
connection in their relationships, no matter how “dull” things feel like
they’ve gotten so far.
Michael’s “obsession” with texting started when he was a single guy,
and discovered that just by following a simple “formula” he could
create incredible levels of intimacy and desire with women he was
dating, just by typing out a few simple texts.
Michael shared his “formula” with his married friends and friends in
long-term relationships. Astounded by the results, he decided he
had to share his simple methods with the world.
Michael has used his texting methods to help men and women in all
50 states and in over 12 countries around the world, and has
received raves from everyone from sex advice columnists to Eastern
European Clerics (seriously).
Another major project Michael undertook is The Secret Survey, an in-
depth interview and investigation of what men really want from
women. This program reveals the inner mysteries of the male mind
and answers the most prevalent questions women have about men
in relationships... and the response has been phenomenal!
Michael has been interviewed by relationship experts and
mainstream media sites about how to use this new technology to
improve human connection. He lives in Seattle, Washington with his
(frankly incredible) girlfriend and a smart but slightly anxious
Australian Shepherd named Jedi.
Michael Fiore was interviewed for this eBook by It’s All About
Women’s Co-founder and CEO, Manny Goldman, because Michael
is one of the world’s most raved about experts on communication in
How to Get the Most from this Book
There is never one way to do anything, especially read a book.
Saying that, we recommend you first read the What You’ll Learn
section coming up next in this introduction, then skim the book and
read the Takeaways at the end of the book.
This will give you a great overview of what’s in the book and how
you can benefit from it. Then we suggest you read the entire book
from cover to cover and then complete the available workbook
activities. (Learn how you can download the workbook for free in
the Get Even More section at the end of this eBook.)
The Get Even More section will provide you with even more value so
you can master using your knowledge to avoid the emotional traps
women often set that drive men away. In this section you’ll get
access to an associated audio, workbook and a special gift.
We know it’s tempting to want to jump ahead and check out all
your gifts and bonuses now, but please do your best to stay
The absolute best way to get the most from this book is to read it,
listen to the audio, do the exercises in the workbook and of
course…implement what you learn.
What You’ll Learn
This eBook (along with your bonus gifts) will provide you with the skills
you need to understand the different responses each gender has to
emotional issues. The program will start with the evolution of the
differences between men and women and why they exist today.
The issues with emotional avoidance for men will become clear and
easy to understand.
Understanding relationships is a challenge for both men and
women. Unfortunately, most relationships experience difficulties
because of this lack of ability to know what the other gender is
thinking about and what is really going on. Women, and of course
men, are all too likely to see things through their own particular
gender lens. They also assume that the actions and reactions of the
other person are based on the same thoughts and motives as they
In fact, as relationship expert Michael Fiore points out, this is usually
the root problem of conflicts within relationships. The specific things
that we do, including the questions that we ask, the assumptions we
make, and even the emotions that we experience, are all based on
our hardwired behavior as a woman or a man. Failing to recognize
this will certainly lead to the downfall of the entire relationship.
The up side to the issue is that with understanding, you have the
ability to circumvent those problems. You can learn how men think
and react. This prevents you from putting men in what men
perceive as no-win situations. In turn it provides a way for couples to
talk about issues in a proactive and supportive way. This allows each
person to make their own individual changes to create a better,
stronger and more effective relationship.
Far from having to give in to the other person's way of doing things,
using the information in this book will help you in being able to
continue to be yourself in the relationship. You don't have to
become someone else. You can find your own personal happiness
and develop a great relationship by using the tools and techniques
discussed in the following pages.
Michael Fiore completed a major project, called The Secret Survey
program, which provides groundbreaking and honest insight into
what men really think about relationships. This information has been
used to develop the gems of wisdom found in this book.
Since the information comes directly from men, it is really core
information that every woman needs to know to create the
relationship that she wants and needs. It is not a soft sell or a
watering down of information; it is real answers about how
relationships are seen by men. Knowing this information and using it
to your advantage is like having the playbook for the other team.
You will be able to frame questions, share information and even
bring about relationship change, without falling into the old traps
and pitfalls that have caused problems and conflict in the past.
It is also a wonderful way to boost your relationship right now, before
any problems occur. You will learn how women often place men in
difficult situations and how a few simple changes in how you
interact and communicate can take the relationship to a new level
of honesty and openness.
You will also learn how there are no universal responses to
relationships and how you can create a relationship that is unique
and harmonious without the need for therapy, counseling and
Finally, the book will talk honestly about the reality of relationships
and how fantasy concepts about relationships are highly
destructive. You will learn to focus in on the here and now, and not
spend all your time thinking about what may come about in the
future. By enjoying each day, you will build on your relationship and
allow it to naturally evolve and grow.
Your feedback is really important to us. Let us know your thoughts
about this eBook at: firstname.lastname@example.org and (866) 406-
1. Emotional Processing:
We Are Not the Same
Men and women are different on many different levels. While there
are the obvious physical differences, there are also some invisible
differences as well. The bad news is that if you can't see differences
you may not realize that they exist. The good news is that by just
taking the time to reflect on the uniqueness of men and women as
a group and as individuals, these hidden differences become clear.
Understanding that men and women are not similar in the way that
they handle emotions, the way they respond to emotions and their
comfort level in talking about emotions, is critical in a relationship.
Often women see men as cold, distant or even completely lacking
in what they consider as normal emotional responses. This is typically
referred to as a guy that is "out of touch with his emotions."
In fact, it is not that the guy is out of touch; it is just that his
emotional reaction is not the same as that of a woman. But on the
surface, he is certainly not giving the emotional response that she
thinks is appropriate.
How this all came about is an interesting area of study. Several
researchers have published on the topic, but one of the leading
relationship experts at the University of Washington, Dr. John
Gottman, has really focused in on the invisible emotional differences
between the sexes. In his research he uses the term "evolutionary
psychology" to describe how this developed. To understand the
concept, let's take a long look back at early relationships.
Travel Back to Caveman Days
The start of evolutionary psychology begins with the first human
societies. It is common knowledge that there were defined roles
within these early groups. This was developed to create a balance
that would sustain the group and allow men and woman to do
what they were most gifted at.
In these roles women were the caregivers and the gatherers. They
took care of the children and gathered fruits and other edibles that
were close to the village. This allowed them to be close enough to
protect and care for the kids.
In turn the men of the village were the hunters. They took their
spears and went off hunting each morning, traveling long distances
in order to find meat. One position was not more important than the
other; they were both essential for the survival of the early human
As such, women and men were socialized differently in their roles.
Men were more isolated and spent more time away from the group
rather than working within a close group. Women, on the other
hand, constantly interacted with each other, the children and the
men when they were home.
Women needed to have the ability to adapt emotionally very
quickly. They were comfortable in showing a wider range of
emotions in their roles as caregivers and gatherers. They were more
social and more attuned to emotions because that was their role.
Men were supposed to be the protectors and the providers. They
interacted with each other and with the rest of the family less often
and with less intensity. Over time this became the norm.
In fact, men needed to be calm, rational and unemotional to be
successful at the very individualized job of hunting. Women needed
to be emotional and highly interactive, working more as a group
than as individuals.
So What About Now?
You may be thinking that this makes sense for then but this is now
and it really doesn't apply. Women are not gatherers protecting the
children and making the village a nice place to come home to
after a busy day of hunting. Men are not going off each morning to
track down wooly mammoths and fight off saber tooth tigers.
However, our internal, invisible emotional wiring is set in that old
pattern. In turn, the way that we respond to emotional situations is
identical. Women tend to be comfortable in showing emotions and
responding with intensity while men are very uncomfortable and
respond with emotional distance.
This is a generalization, of course. There are some women that are
uncomfortable with emotions and some men that are very intense
emotionally. However, the generalization is true far more often than
not. In females, emotions are seen as central while men tend to see
emotions, particularly intense emotions, as a weakness. Anger is
perhaps the one exception to this from the man's point of view.
Think about comfort with emotions like going for a swim. A woman
sees emotional interactions like having a swim in a beautiful
landscaped backyard pool. There is a shallow end and a deep end,
but no matter where she is in the pool, the sides are just a few feet
away. Emotional intensity is comfortable since there is always safety
right there at hand. If you feel a bit overwhelmed, you can climb
out of the pool, dry off and sit in a lounger on the side and enjoy the
Guys, on the other hand, see emotions as the vast water in the
ocean. There are some shallow areas, but they are small and hard
to find. Instead, the vast majority of emotions are in deep, deep
water where anything can happen. It is sort of like being taken out
to the middle of the ocean by a helicopter and dropped out to try
to make it back to shore! There is no clear way to go, no feeling of
safety at hand and, to top it off, there are sharks circling everywhere
On top of that, recovering from swimming miles and miles in the
ocean and battling off sharks is exhausting. There is no simple
recovery from intense emotions for men. They don't just slip into a
lawn chair and relax after their swim. They need emotional CPR and
that is stressful and frightening. So the easiest thing is to avoid going
for a swim at all. This causes that emotional coldness or distance
that women perceive in the men in their lives.
Men and women are different in other invisible emotional ways as
well. Unfortunately there are some not-so-nice tricks that are used
by both genders to play on these differences. These tricks are not
always conscious. A great deal of how we interact with the
opposite gender is learned from others around us, including our
parents and how they interacted with each other.
In the next chapter the focus will be on how women often use
emotionally loaded questions in conversations that further push men
to avoiding issues. Remember, guys are trying to avoid that
emotional ocean. They are simply giving women the answers they
want to hear so they can stay safely on the beach, rather than even
dipping a toe into that water.
2. Oh, Those Tricky Questions
and the Answers Women
There isn't a woman in the world who hasn't asked a boyfriend,
partner or husband a question that is designed to get the answer
she wants. You know the questions and, if you are honest with
yourself, you know exactly why you asked them. Typical questions
that are designed to elicit a desired response include:
Does this dress make me look fat?
If we weren’t together, would you still want to date me?
Do you think that she’s pretty?
Does this hair color make me look old?
Do you think I should go back to school and get that
You probably have a few that you could add to the list. These
questions really put guys on the spot and are guaranteed to get a
response that is a lie. Remember, men want to avoid that ocean of
intense emotions so they will simply give you the answer they know
you want. It is safe; it keeps them on the sandy beach and avoids all
the drama of being honest.
Why Women Ask Questions
Being truly honest with yourself is the key to reflecting on how you
may be putting your guy in a no-win situation. Look at the list of
questions above. What is the purpose of each of those questions?
What is it that you really want to hear when you ask that particular
The answer is obvious. What women want when they ask these
types of questions is reassurance. They want to hear that they are
still appealing and attractive in anything that they may decide to
wear. They want to hear that they are still an object of desire. Youth,
sexiness, beauty and intelligence are all traits that women want to
have and be assured that their partner sees in them.
Why Men Ask Questions
Men ask questions for completely different reasons. Men ask
questions to get an answer, not to get the answer that they want to
hear. In other words, questions are used as a way to gather
information or someone else's opinion on something of importance
Take any question from that list above. When a guy asks his
girlfriend, partner or spouse if he looks fat, he wants to know if he is
putting on a few pounds. He isn't looking for reassurance; he is
looking for factual information. He will appreciate hearing a simple
answer of "yes, you have put on a bit of weight". That is what he
would expect if he asked any one of his friends. It would not be
taken as a put-down or a slight, it would be used to evaluate if he
needs to get to the gym more often or turn down that second
helping of dessert.
The Inherent Complication
This very different use of questions between men and women
causes major rifts in a relationship. Men quickly learn to duck these
questions altogether. They often will learn what the desired response
is, usually through trial and error, and answer in kind. They begin to
develop a response bank of little white lies that keep women
happy, and keep themselves out of intense emotional interactions.
At first glance it may seem like a win-win situation, but there is
danger lurking just below the surface.
The danger is that women don't want a man who lies. Women want
a man who is honest and truthful. No woman wants to ask her
partner a serious question and simply get back a meaningless
response designed to avoid an emotional confrontation. If you ask
your guy if he is happy in the relationship you don't want to hear
back "Yeah, sure," you want to understand his perspective on the
relationship. This includes all the great things that are positive, but
also some things that may be making things difficult for him.
When women ask men those reassurance questions and then get
angry, hurt, embarrassed, distraught or any other intense emotion,
they are actually teaching men to lie. Once the message gets
across, the man learns not to tell the truth. The pattern has been set
in the relationship. Women have to understand that the way to get
a man to speak openly and honestly is to not set him up for these
types of questions.
Women need to stop and honestly think about the reason they are
asking a question. Is it to get information or is it to get reassurance?
Do you really want an honest answer or will you respond with highly
negative emotional intensity if you don't get the answer you want?
Or, even worse, when he gives you his opinion will you simply freeze
him out to let him know that he didn't get it right again?
Guys need to be understanding of this issue as well. If you aren't
boxing him into a corner, it is much more likely he will be willing to
dip his toe in the ocean of emotion. But he won't dive off the high
board right of the bat. You will both need to be supportive of and
work empathetically with each other to make these simple yet
amazingly effective communication changes.
3. The Myth of Universal
Motives and Emotions
One of the unique things about human beings is that we are all
really self-focused. We can learn to empathize and consider things
from other points of view, but our natural and most basic instinct is
to think everyone thinks like we do. We go a step beyond that as
well and assume everyone has the same motivation that we do
when they act or react a certain way in a relationship. This natural
tendency will cause fundamental problems in a relationship
between a man and a woman.
As discussed in the previous chapter, men and women ask specific
types of questions for different reasons. Just like we do that
differently, we also have different understandings of relationships.
Delving into the different ways that men and women see
relationships will help to dispel the myth that both men and women
think and feel the same about relationship issues.
A Simple Example
Let's take a concrete and straightforward example. A woman is
talking to a male coworker and hears that his girlfriend cheated on
him. Immediately the woman feels empathy for the situation and
begins to experience a range of emotions as if she is the one that
was cheated on. These emotions can vary from anger to hurt,
embarrassment to sadness and on and on through a range of
different emotional intensities. The woman frames her response to
her male coworker from her own perspective. She assumes he will
be emotionally devastated, angry, hurt and embarrassed, just as
she would be. In other words, she projects her emotional response to
the situation onto him and expects him to respond the same way.
If he does experience the same feelings, she thinks that he is
emotionally grounded and in touch with his feelings. However, if he
responds outside of what she believes is "right" then he is emotionally
cold, was never really in the relationship fully or is in a state of denial.
There is no room in her world to believe that maybe he is alright with
the breakup and maybe it really didn't have a huge emotional
impact on his life.
In fact, research studies show that cheating is perceived differently
between the genders. Women typically think that when a husband
or boyfriend cheats it is because he is unhappy in the relationship.
The reason they believe this is true is because emotionally they know
that the only reason they would cheat is because they were
unhappy in their relationship. They project that onto the cheating
man as if that were the sole reason why he would cheat.
The research shows that most guys who cheat are not unhappy in
their marriage. They cheat for many reasons, but unhappiness is not
at the top of the list. This myth, like many others, creates
misunderstandings between men and women.
Women cannot expect men to think about relationship issues the
same way that they do. This is not only counterproductive, but it
creates a block in allowing you to really understand what is going
on in his head. Men need to avoid assuming that women are
motivated by the same things that they are, for the exact same
It is important not to project in any type of interaction and
communication. This goes back a bit to questioning as well. Many
times women start out a conversation with a "feeling" question. It
may be something like asking your man how he is feeling, why he is
looking so worried or looking frustrated or upset. These "feelings"
questions are emotional landmines dotted across the relationship.
The guy is likely to answer with a safe response, often by saying
nothing is wrong or everything is fine. In fact there may be
something wrong, and all may not be fine, but nothing really major
is being experienced emotionally. Unlike women, men are not as
tuned into their emotional state all through the day, so "fine" is a
perfectly good answer, at least to him.
To her it is avoidance. After all, if a woman answers "fine" to a feeling
question, they are not telling the truth. They are a range of things,
but definitely not fine. Men tend to say everything is fine, good, or
going smoothly when they are comfortable and relaxed, enjoying
life and just in coast mode. Women want to hear the details, how
relaxed they are, how wonderful the sensation of just being with her
is, and "fine" just does not cut it as a complete answer.
The same goes for the age-old problem of men looking at other
women. When women see their guy checking out another woman
they make projected assumptions about his motives. These
projected motives can include:
He finds her more attractive than me.
He is looking for a new partner so this relationship is in trouble.
He no longer finds me attractive, sexy and appealing.
He doesn't love me anymore.
You get the picture. In fact the reason he is looking at another
women may be as simple as because she is standing there. Men
tend to respond to visual cues in their environment, likely due to that
hunter evolutionary model, and naturally notice all kinds of things.
That doesn't mean it should make you happy, but it does mean that
you shouldn't jump to conclusions, become emotionally upset and
attack the guy.
Since you can only change your own response to thinking about his
actions, this is where the shift has to happen. Once you stop
attacking him about looking at another woman, whom he may only
register at a basic level, you are in a better position to start a
meaningful conversation about your concerns. This is because you
aren't seen as pushing him into the emotional ocean over
something that he doesn't see as an issue.
When men are secure in their relationship and know that their
woman isn't going to go from 0 to 100 in sixty seconds on the
emotional intensity scale, he will be more open to conversations.
This only happens when trust has developed and actions back up
the conversations that you have with each other. When he feels
that you will listen openly and honestly, he is in a good place to
understand why some things he does are problematic for you.
Yes, this does mean that you have to start the process. Remember,
you are the emotionally adaptable one of the partnership who is
capable of a higher level of emotional intelligence. Developing the
skills to be able to look through his eyes at any given situation and
not assume that what you think is what he is thinking is a great first
step in the right direction.
4. The 100% Principle
The 100% Principle is not as mathematical as it may appear at first
glance. Basically the principle is designed to help people, both men
and women, to understand that they have to take 100%
responsibility for their contribution to the relationship. In other words,
to learn to be honest and open about their own motives, actions,
reactions, behaviors and responses and how these contribute to or
hinder the relationship.
This is a huge step and one that will have profound influence on the
ongoing growth of a relationship. After all, if I am not committed to
taking 100% responsibility for my part of the relationship, I can take
credit for the positives and simply lay the negatives at the other
person's feet. This gives each person in the relationship a scapegoat,
the other person, for anything that doesn't go right.
Does this mean that you have to take the blame for everything? Do
you have to take on the issues that your partner has, as if they were
your own? The answer to these questions is a resounding no. In fact,
taking responsibility for their actions means that you are assuming
you know what their motivation actually is. And, to further fine-tune
the point, this would call for a lot of projection on your part.
So, what does the 100% Principle look like in action? First, taking
responsibility for your own part in the relationship is not an overnight
cure or a quick fix for all your relationship problems. Like everything
else you try to change, you need to do it in small steps and at a
pace that you are comfortable with. You need to be patient and
consistent and set the example. By changing how you are doing
things and responding to the other person, you allow them the
freedom to take 100% responsibility for their own actions and also
make positive changes.
What Do You Want in Your Relationship?
The first step in implementing the 100% Principle is to actually stop
and think about what you want your relationship to look like. This is
not a generalization and you need to be specific about what you
want. Some typical goals for the relationship improvement may be:
Becoming more attentive to each other.
Gaining a better understanding of the other person.
Making the relationship stronger by building emotional
security and safety.
Having a better sexual relationship.
Communicating more effectively and positively.
Sharing more on deeper levels.
Once you know what you want, then you can look at what you can
do to help to get to that point. Since most women want to have a
greater sense of connection in the relationship, this may be an
overarching goal. It is also a great place to start in building security
and safety in the relationship for him. When he feels safe, secure
and loved then intimacy improves and attentiveness towards each
other becomes the norm for the couple.
The Big Mistake
The biggest mistake that people make when they try to apply the
100% Principle is to only look for one possible response from their
mate. In other words, projecting what they want to see as the only
way that improvement can occur.
To understand this concept let's use an example. A woman wants to
make her husband feel more loved and secure in their relationship.
She starts by checking her reassurance questions and avoids boxing
him into a corner with this type of communication. The next step
that she takes is to send him a text one day, just saying how much
she loves him and can't wait until he gets home that night.
Immediately after hitting send she starts checking her phone for a
text from him saying something similar. Nothing happens.
When the husband gets home he greets his wife at the door with a
huge hug and a kiss. She is so devastated that he didn't text her
back she fails to notice how loving he is, which has been anything
but typical for this couple. She draws away or doesn't respond with
what he thinks is the right response and the relationship weakens
rather than gets stronger.
Instead of looking for a specific response from your mate, try looking
for any type of change for the positive. Is there an extra bit of
romance in your life? Is there less conflict over relationship issues? Do
you feel emotionally and physically closer?
A great way to think of this is as a gradual, meaningful change for
the better. However, you can only control your 100% of the
relationship. How he chooses to respond is his decision and you
have to open up to look for this change. It is the complete opposite
of playing a video game. In a video game you hit a button and get
a set response. Your character in the game always does just what
you want. The game also responds in a predictable pattern, but this
is not at all what makes a relationship work. You have to stop
thinking that you can somehow manipulate or control his behavior
or response by what you do. Instead, look for ways to encourage
him to be him, so you can be you.
Changing yourself and creating a person who encourages the
relationship, respects the other person and notices change with
loving support is the only way to reach your relationship goals. With
this type of change, consistency and patience are mandatory, but
they really do pay off huge dividends in the relationship.
5. Prince Charming Doesn't
Exist and Neither Does Miss
Everyone has his or her fantasy partner. It may be Prince Charming
that is dashing and handsome, always knows what to say and
knows just how to make you feel special, loved and treasured. It
may be a sexy bad boy who simply oozes desire for you at every
turn. Guys also have their own fantasy partners. These are the Miss
Perfects. They may be that amazingly beautiful starlet or a porn star
who never has a headache and always tells him he is the best.
In fact, the Prince Charming fantasy is very common for most
women. Women are likely to look for emotional qualities that
include making them feel loved and secure. This is all a very
romantic image. Think of the Prince slaying the dragon to save the
damsel and only ever looking at her, for all eternity. It starts with the
fairy tales that little girls read and is very evident in modern literature
and movies. Just look at the Twilight series and you can see Prince
Charming is still front and center, just a little different perhaps than
how he used to look.
The damage that is done by holding on to this fantasy persona and
comparing all real men and women to these images is incredible.
There is no person alive who can match up with every aspect of the
fantasy man or woman. This is true if the fantasy is a Prince
Charming, a Miss Perfect or an actual person.
Think of the hot stars who may be considered to be the perfect
match. Brad Pitt, Edward Cullen, Katy Perry and Kim Kardashian
may be seen as the ideal partners, but that is only from a distance.
They too have their issues, their bad hair days and their weird
personality quirks. You just never have the chance to see them as
they really are since they only present their wonderful side to the
Unfortunately, in real world relationships we see the whole person.
This means we are privy to the wonderful side as well as the not-so-
wonderful side. The flaws are going to be right there along with the
personality traits and characteristics that drew you to them in the
first place. And despite what we all like the think, the same is true for
us. Our partners see us, warts and all, without airbrushed make-up
and just-from-the-stylist hair.
Taking the good with the bad is all part of being in a relationship.
When you hold your partner up to that fantasy image, all you will
see is the areas that don't match. You may find you have the strong
man that is willing to battle that dragon for you, but he is also the
silent type that doesn't talk about his feelings. You may be the sexy
bombshell, but may also be very insecure about your looks and
need a lot of reassurance from your man.
Being able to accept an entire person is essential in building a
relationship. He or she will never be your fantasy person; that
individual does not exist on the face of the earth. Accepting this
and moving forward to cherish and love your partner for who he is
and having him love you for who you are is a major factor in
building happiness into your relationship.
6. The Fairytale Ending: Does
Happily Ever After Actually
Having a lifelong relationship that is monogamous, positive and
breathtaking throughout the years is something that our culture
holds up as the ideal. But, just like the perfect partner we all have
lurking in our mind, this too is more of a fantasy than a reality. Yes,
there are some people who live their entire lives in complete bliss
with each other. They are romantically in love for their whole life,
with never a thought about any possible improvements that could
happen to make their lives together more complete.
These people are few and far between. In reality, most people find
that a relationship slowly cools down or settles into a rut as they go
through life together. All their little quirks that somehow you just
missed seeing when you were madly in love are now glaring you in
the face every day. You don't feel that same emotional and
physical excitement when you spend time together. So, for many
people, the thought is that the relationship is over, the passion is
gone and this is as good as it can get.
The flip side to this coin is that you can work on developing passion
in a relationship. It doesn't happen by accident to most people, but
with just a bit of effort you can open the door to a much more
loving and intimate relationship with each other. It may not be the
same as that amazing first kiss, but it can be just as good in its own
Setting yourself up to think about being with a person for a lifetime
may actually contribute to discord in a relationship. Instead, you
may want to think about living day to day. Waking up and knowing
you want to be with your man this day and the day after is a great
start. Don't worry about 10, 20 or 40 years from now. Instead
concentrate on making the next 24 hours the best they can be.
After this 24-hour block you go on to the next. Before you know it a
week is gone, then months, then years. With ongoing effort on your
part and his, you just may have that 50 year or 75 year anniversary
celebration. But even if you don't reach that milestone, you can still
have a relationship that is positive and fulfilling for as long as you
This may not seem all that romantic, but it really is at the core of all
human interaction. Being happy, content, loved and secure is a
daily need. Filling those needs for yourself and for him each day is
the only way that long term success occurs.
Of course there are deal breakers as well. You will determine what
those deal breakers are for you. Some things may just be too much
to absorb and for you to remain content on a daily basis. If a
partner cheats, mistreats you in the relationship, or does something
that you cannot condone or accept, the deal may be broken.
The key is to know what the deal breakers are and to not hold
yourself to an impossible standard of staying together if these things
occur. You don't have to accept everything your partner brings to
the table; you have a right to have your happiness as well.
7. Making Happiness Happen
Happiness is not a lucky accident. Truly happy people work at
creating environments where happiness can thrive. This means in all
aspects of your life, including your relationship. It all starts with
looking past the fantasy and seeing the wonderful aspects of the
person right in front of you. A man will behave like a man and a
woman needs to be accepted as a woman. And somehow, both of
you have to accept each other as human beings who are not
Dropping the pretense of perfection and going for realistic is one
way to ensure that you will be happy in your relationship. Don't fret if
he happens to look at another woman when you are out at the
mall. In turn you should be given some slack when you accidently
try to push him into the deep end of the emotional pool. Just
remember that slipups happen, see them for what they are, and
keep moving forward.
Staying Positively Focused
Staying focused on the positives that you want in your life may seem
a bit too New Age for some. It is really at the heart and soul of the
Law of Attraction, but it is so applicable in all aspects of life. After all,
if the glass is always half empty there is always a void to be filled. If
the glass is always half full then you are satisfied at your most basic
Look towards the things in your relationship that bring you personal
happiness and pleasure. Make them your focus and strive to
strengthen these aspects of your life together. Don't spend all your
time wishing he was more like somebody else. Celebrate the
positive qualities that he has and you will find happiness in the
relationship that will be enduring and supportive.
Focusing in on just making the other person in the relationship happy
will not give you happiness. You have to make it happen for yourself
and then it will also happen for them. You can't fake happiness in
your life, your job or your relationship. You have to be authentic in
your enjoyment of life so that it truly permeates your world.
Steps to Happiness
The steps to happiness are relatively simple and are easily within
your grasp, no matter where you may be in your life or your
relationship. The first and most important step is to be able to focus
in on yourself. Be happy in your responsibilities to your family, your
work as a wife, a woman and a mom. Thrive in your life and see your
successes as accomplishments that you have made. Take pride in
who you are and all that you have achieved.
When you are honestly happy with who you are as a partner,
mother, sister and friend, then that happiness also flows into the
people around you. You are no longer stalking around the house
looking for mistakes, watching where his eyes are resting, and
baiting him with those impossible questions. You don't need a lot of
reassurance because you are self-confident and have true respect
and healthy admiration for yourself and those around you.
In turn you will find that he is happy too. There are no more
disagreements about minor issues and molehills are never blown up
into mountains. Some of those things that you do that irritate him
become less of a problem, just as his flaws are no longer as
problematic for you.
With continued effort this type of personal happiness becomes
complete relationship happiness. Yes, there will be disagreements in
the relationship, but they will be over the things that actually matter.
In addition, you will be closer and more emotionally comfortable
and secure with each other. This will prevent some of the conflict
and misunderstanding that was contributing to those angry and silly
exchanges in the past.
8. Make It So: Creating
Being able to talk about how you want your relationship to succeed
with your partner is an important part of creating the relationship
you both want. This conversation is not a dinner table dialogue. You
have to have a strong basis of love, respect and understanding for
yourself and your partner.
For women these conversations are easy. For men they are a
nightmare. Women want to dissect each and every feeling, change
and transition, and guys just want to go with the flow and avoid the
discussion. So, having a way to start talking about the relationship is
crucial. The key is in building trust, confidence in yourself and
confidence in your partner. As a woman you will also need to
choose your time to have the conversation and keep it as "guy
friendly" as possible.
In the proceeding chapters the essential components of the 100%
Principle, personal happiness and getting rid of fantasy issues about
relationships have been discussed. When women are willing to deal
with these issues the groundwork is set to start working toward a
successful relationship. However, to make it work you have to be
honest with yourself. You have to think about what you are doing in
the relationship and how you can create an emotional environment
where the changes you want can happen.
When both men and women feel secure, loved, and physically and
emotionally engaged in a relationship, they are more open to
listening to how things can and will change. When people feel
isolated, attacked and uncomfortable, change is a scary, scary
concept. In order to set the stage for change, security in the
relationship has to be in place. Remember, no one can do this on
his or her own; it takes a true feeling of partnership to provide
emotional security and comfort in making changes.
Another important factor is how to facilitate change without making
it a huge issue. Not everyone, especially men, wants to spend time
talking about how much better they feel about the relationship.
They are more likely to show their comfort in being more attentive,
romantic and increase their communication levels, but not
necessarily about the relationship or about emotions. Watch for
those changes and make sure to let him know that you noticed in a
supportive, positive way. A simple text message is a great way to
catch his attention and let him know you can't wait to see him
Successful relationships are not about changing the other person.
They are about accepting that person for who they are and
encouraging them to continue to grow. Good relationships are not
one-sided and women have to understand that they can become
lost in their family commitments if they don't spend time working on
the romance and emotional intimacy.
Relationships should refresh, rejuvenate and bring you happiness,
not drain you emotionally. Successful relationships require tending,
just like a garden. You have to work at recognizing each other,
feeding each other emotionally and caring for each other's needs.
When this happens, the relationship blossoms and flourishes, couples
want to stay together and both partners achieve success and
9. Time-Tested Takeaways
Summing up or recapping an entire book is difficult, but there are
some takeaways that are easy to remember. By focusing in on the
main points or elements of the book, you can help to keep your
relationship growing, thriving and evolving.
Takeaway 1: Men and Women are Different
Obvious as well as invisible differences can be found between the
genders. It is essential that women don't assume men think or
respond the same way that they do.
The differences between men and women did not happen
overnight. They are caused by the evolutionary psychology of the
genders developed from earliest time. Men are hardwired to be less
emotionally active and reactive while women are designed to have
much faster adaptability of emotions to given situations.
Takeaway 2: Questions Matter
Women tend to ask specific questions to get specific answers. These
answers provide reassurance and confirmation of what she wants to
hear. Men ask questions to get information and answer questions to
provide information, not for reassurance and emotional support.
Women need to avoid asking questions that put a man in a position
of having to tell a "white lie" rather than providing information. This
helps to create honesty in the relationship and saves men from
having to deal with potentially emotion-laced conversations that
they want to avoid.
Takeaway 3: He Doesn't Think the Same Way as You
Men and women do not respond to emotional issues the same way.
Do not project or attribute male responses to female emotions.
Assuming that a man is responding on a female emotional level is
inaccurate and leads to increased conflict.
Takeaway 4: You Have to Give 100%
The 100% Principle states that each person is responsible for their
own actions. They cannot control each other, but through giving
100% to the relationship they can create an environment where
positive changes can occur for both partners.
If you are not taking 100% responsibility for your actions in the
relationship you are creating a place for blame and denial to
occur. In addition, you cannot dictate how the positive change will
occur. Instead of looking for the final goal, look for those small
positive changes he is making and recognize and celebrate them in
ways that make you both happy with each other.
Takeaway 5: He is Not a Fantasy
Everyone has a fantasy in their head of the perfect partner. The
more you compare your current partner to that fictional fantasy
image, the more dissatisfied you will become. Get rid of the
comparison and start focusing on the wonderful attributes of the
real person you are with.
Takeaway 6: Live for Today
Instead of worrying about what will be happening in your
relationship years in the future, live for today. Commit to making
things better in your relationship one day at a time. The weeks,
months and years will take care of themselves.
Takeaway 7: Happiness is Yours for the Taking
To get to a place of happiness personally and in your relationship,
you have to focus on the positives. By focusing in on what you want
and the small changes that are getting you there, you will be happy
and rewarded in the relationship. Focusing on what isn't happening
only leads to negativity and hostility in the relationship.
Takeaway 8: You Create Your Relationship
It takes effort, conscious thought and a lot of work to keep a
relationship passionate and growing. The great news is that you can
make small changes in your behavior that will allow him to also grow
and change. You have control of your relationship destiny; you just
have to choose to use it.
Communication, understanding and recognizing the differences
between men and women in relationships is the key to success.
Remember that a relationship that works is one where both people
are their own unique selves, but they have developed a way to
communicate, support and love each other.
By developing these skills you will find that your relationship changes,
grows and improves. Be patient, work on the relationship and
always be ready for that unexpected positive change that helps to
keep your relationship right where you want it to be.
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