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Why men lie Document Transcript

  • 1. Broughttoyouby: DerivedfromanExclusiveInterview withRelationshipExpert,MichaelFiore RelationshipAdviceforWomenAbout HOW MENTHINK WhyMenLie
  • 2. Why Men Lie Relationship Advice for Women About How Men Think
  • 3. Published By: It’s All About Women Copyright © 2012 It’s All About Women All rights reserved. No part of this publication, neither the printed copy nor the electronic file, in whole or in part, may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including transmittal by e-mail, by file transfer protocol (FTP), through access to a network, by photocopying, by recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher. Please note: This eBook was derived from an exclusive and intimate interview with world-renowned relationship expert, Michael Fiore. It’s All About Women has been granted the rights to publish this eBook by Michael Fiore. If you have any inquires, questions or concerns, contact It’s All About Women directly at: support@itsallaboutwomen.com and (866) 406-2790. Thank you  You Are Remarkable, The It’s All About Women Team Dedicated to Making Your Life Even Better!
  • 4. www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com CONTENTS Introduction i  1. Emotional Processing: We Are Not the Same 1  2. Oh, Those Tricky Questions and the Answers Women Want 5  3. The Myth of Universal Motives and Emotions 8  4. The 100% Principle 12  5. Prince Charming Doesn't Exist and Neither Does Miss Perfect 15  6. The Fairytale Ending: Does Happily Ever After Actually Exist? 17  7. Making Happiness Happen 19  8. Make It So: Creating Relationship Success 21  9. Time-Tested Takeaways 23  Get Even More 26 
  • 5. i www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com Introduction Thank you for purchasing this eBook. You’ve made a wise decision and I commend you for taking a proactive approach to learn more about how men react emotionally in relationships. This information is essential in building a loving, positive relationship that continues to grow and become even stronger. What is It’s All About Women? The perfect place to feel good about being a woman. We’re dedicated to making women’s lives even better! We're a safe and supportive free online community for women to enhance their lives, relationships and careers. Enjoy the inspiration, expert guidance and advice you need and easily share it with the important women you care about. It’s All About Women has had the pleasure to serve more than 4,000,000 women in 219 countries, since our inception in July 2010. Here are just a few ways we continue to support our amazing community of women: o 6 Support Team members who are active members of the community and are available to assist you with your questions, concerns or support. o Compelling and personal emails sent to you as often as you’d like (we recommend daily) to guide and empower you in living your best life. o 1,000+ articles from world-renowned experts to enhance your life, career, relationships and more. On our website you’ll find concise advice to enhance just about every area of your life.
  • 6. ii www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com o Monthly Live Q & A Coaching Call where we answer your intimate questions via teleconference, in a safe and supportive manner. We provide complimentary coaching to help you break through a challenge or get the most from an opportunity. o Highly active Facebook page with key insights and wisdom for living each day. Join the conversation with more than 25,000 women just like you, from all over the world. o And so much more… Get the support you need by signing up for the complimentary It’s All About Women emails here.
  • 7. iii www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com About the Author Michael Fiore has magic thumbs. At least that’s what his thousands of customers and devotees have to say. Since early 2010, Michael’s been teaching men and women around the world how to use simple text messages sent from your average cell phone to dramatically improve the romance, passion and connection in their relationships, no matter how “dull” things feel like they’ve gotten so far. Michael’s “obsession” with texting started when he was a single guy, and discovered that just by following a simple “formula” he could create incredible levels of intimacy and desire with women he was dating, just by typing out a few simple texts. Michael shared his “formula” with his married friends and friends in long-term relationships. Astounded by the results, he decided he had to share his simple methods with the world. Michael has used his texting methods to help men and women in all 50 states and in over 12 countries around the world, and has received raves from everyone from sex advice columnists to Eastern European Clerics (seriously). Another major project Michael undertook is The Secret Survey, an in- depth interview and investigation of what men really want from women. This program reveals the inner mysteries of the male mind and answers the most prevalent questions women have about men in relationships... and the response has been phenomenal! Michael has been interviewed by relationship experts and mainstream media sites about how to use this new technology to improve human connection. He lives in Seattle, Washington with his (frankly incredible) girlfriend and a smart but slightly anxious Australian Shepherd named Jedi.
  • 8. iv www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com Michael Fiore was interviewed for this eBook by It’s All About Women’s Co-founder and CEO, Manny Goldman, because Michael is one of the world’s most raved about experts on communication in relationships.
  • 9. v www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com How to Get the Most from this Book There is never one way to do anything, especially read a book. Saying that, we recommend you first read the What You’ll Learn section coming up next in this introduction, then skim the book and read the Takeaways at the end of the book. This will give you a great overview of what’s in the book and how you can benefit from it. Then we suggest you read the entire book from cover to cover and then complete the available workbook activities. (Learn how you can download the workbook for free in the Get Even More section at the end of this eBook.) The Get Even More section will provide you with even more value so you can master using your knowledge to avoid the emotional traps women often set that drive men away. In this section you’ll get access to an associated audio, workbook and a special gift. We know it’s tempting to want to jump ahead and check out all your gifts and bonuses now, but please do your best to stay focused. The absolute best way to get the most from this book is to read it, listen to the audio, do the exercises in the workbook and of course…implement what you learn. What You’ll Learn This eBook (along with your bonus gifts) will provide you with the skills you need to understand the different responses each gender has to emotional issues. The program will start with the evolution of the differences between men and women and why they exist today. The issues with emotional avoidance for men will become clear and easy to understand. Understanding relationships is a challenge for both men and women. Unfortunately, most relationships experience difficulties because of this lack of ability to know what the other gender is thinking about and what is really going on. Women, and of course
  • 10. vi www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com men, are all too likely to see things through their own particular gender lens. They also assume that the actions and reactions of the other person are based on the same thoughts and motives as they have. In fact, as relationship expert Michael Fiore points out, this is usually the root problem of conflicts within relationships. The specific things that we do, including the questions that we ask, the assumptions we make, and even the emotions that we experience, are all based on our hardwired behavior as a woman or a man. Failing to recognize this will certainly lead to the downfall of the entire relationship. The up side to the issue is that with understanding, you have the ability to circumvent those problems. You can learn how men think and react. This prevents you from putting men in what men perceive as no-win situations. In turn it provides a way for couples to talk about issues in a proactive and supportive way. This allows each person to make their own individual changes to create a better, stronger and more effective relationship. Far from having to give in to the other person's way of doing things, using the information in this book will help you in being able to continue to be yourself in the relationship. You don't have to become someone else. You can find your own personal happiness and develop a great relationship by using the tools and techniques discussed in the following pages. Michael Fiore completed a major project, called The Secret Survey program, which provides groundbreaking and honest insight into what men really think about relationships. This information has been used to develop the gems of wisdom found in this book. Since the information comes directly from men, it is really core information that every woman needs to know to create the relationship that she wants and needs. It is not a soft sell or a watering down of information; it is real answers about how relationships are seen by men. Knowing this information and using it to your advantage is like having the playbook for the other team. You will be able to frame questions, share information and even
  • 11. vii www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com bring about relationship change, without falling into the old traps and pitfalls that have caused problems and conflict in the past. It is also a wonderful way to boost your relationship right now, before any problems occur. You will learn how women often place men in difficult situations and how a few simple changes in how you interact and communicate can take the relationship to a new level of honesty and openness. You will also learn how there are no universal responses to relationships and how you can create a relationship that is unique and harmonious without the need for therapy, counseling and stress. Finally, the book will talk honestly about the reality of relationships and how fantasy concepts about relationships are highly destructive. You will learn to focus in on the here and now, and not spend all your time thinking about what may come about in the future. By enjoying each day, you will build on your relationship and allow it to naturally evolve and grow. Your feedback is really important to us. Let us know your thoughts about this eBook at: support@itsallaboutwomen.com and (866) 406- 2790. Enjoy! 
  • 12. 1 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com 1. Emotional Processing: We Are Not the Same Men and women are different on many different levels. While there are the obvious physical differences, there are also some invisible differences as well. The bad news is that if you can't see differences you may not realize that they exist. The good news is that by just taking the time to reflect on the uniqueness of men and women as a group and as individuals, these hidden differences become clear. Understanding that men and women are not similar in the way that they handle emotions, the way they respond to emotions and their comfort level in talking about emotions, is critical in a relationship. Often women see men as cold, distant or even completely lacking in what they consider as normal emotional responses. This is typically referred to as a guy that is "out of touch with his emotions." In fact, it is not that the guy is out of touch; it is just that his emotional reaction is not the same as that of a woman. But on the surface, he is certainly not giving the emotional response that she thinks is appropriate. How this all came about is an interesting area of study. Several researchers have published on the topic, but one of the leading relationship experts at the University of Washington, Dr. John Gottman, has really focused in on the invisible emotional differences between the sexes. In his research he uses the term "evolutionary psychology" to describe how this developed. To understand the concept, let's take a long look back at early relationships.
  • 13. 2 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com Travel Back to Caveman Days The start of evolutionary psychology begins with the first human societies. It is common knowledge that there were defined roles within these early groups. This was developed to create a balance that would sustain the group and allow men and woman to do what they were most gifted at. In these roles women were the caregivers and the gatherers. They took care of the children and gathered fruits and other edibles that were close to the village. This allowed them to be close enough to protect and care for the kids. In turn the men of the village were the hunters. They took their spears and went off hunting each morning, traveling long distances in order to find meat. One position was not more important than the other; they were both essential for the survival of the early human race. As such, women and men were socialized differently in their roles. Men were more isolated and spent more time away from the group rather than working within a close group. Women, on the other hand, constantly interacted with each other, the children and the men when they were home. Women needed to have the ability to adapt emotionally very quickly. They were comfortable in showing a wider range of emotions in their roles as caregivers and gatherers. They were more social and more attuned to emotions because that was their role. Men were supposed to be the protectors and the providers. They interacted with each other and with the rest of the family less often and with less intensity. Over time this became the norm. In fact, men needed to be calm, rational and unemotional to be successful at the very individualized job of hunting. Women needed to be emotional and highly interactive, working more as a group than as individuals.
  • 14. 3 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com So What About Now? You may be thinking that this makes sense for then but this is now and it really doesn't apply. Women are not gatherers protecting the children and making the village a nice place to come home to after a busy day of hunting. Men are not going off each morning to track down wooly mammoths and fight off saber tooth tigers. However, our internal, invisible emotional wiring is set in that old pattern. In turn, the way that we respond to emotional situations is identical. Women tend to be comfortable in showing emotions and responding with intensity while men are very uncomfortable and respond with emotional distance. This is a generalization, of course. There are some women that are uncomfortable with emotions and some men that are very intense emotionally. However, the generalization is true far more often than not. In females, emotions are seen as central while men tend to see emotions, particularly intense emotions, as a weakness. Anger is perhaps the one exception to this from the man's point of view. Think about comfort with emotions like going for a swim. A woman sees emotional interactions like having a swim in a beautiful landscaped backyard pool. There is a shallow end and a deep end, but no matter where she is in the pool, the sides are just a few feet away. Emotional intensity is comfortable since there is always safety right there at hand. If you feel a bit overwhelmed, you can climb out of the pool, dry off and sit in a lounger on the side and enjoy the weather. Guys, on the other hand, see emotions as the vast water in the ocean. There are some shallow areas, but they are small and hard to find. Instead, the vast majority of emotions are in deep, deep water where anything can happen. It is sort of like being taken out to the middle of the ocean by a helicopter and dropped out to try to make it back to shore! There is no clear way to go, no feeling of safety at hand and, to top it off, there are sharks circling everywhere they look. On top of that, recovering from swimming miles and miles in the ocean and battling off sharks is exhausting. There is no simple
  • 15. 4 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com recovery from intense emotions for men. They don't just slip into a lawn chair and relax after their swim. They need emotional CPR and that is stressful and frightening. So the easiest thing is to avoid going for a swim at all. This causes that emotional coldness or distance that women perceive in the men in their lives. Men and women are different in other invisible emotional ways as well. Unfortunately there are some not-so-nice tricks that are used by both genders to play on these differences. These tricks are not always conscious. A great deal of how we interact with the opposite gender is learned from others around us, including our parents and how they interacted with each other. In the next chapter the focus will be on how women often use emotionally loaded questions in conversations that further push men to avoiding issues. Remember, guys are trying to avoid that emotional ocean. They are simply giving women the answers they want to hear so they can stay safely on the beach, rather than even dipping a toe into that water.
  • 16. 5 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com 2. Oh, Those Tricky Questions and the Answers Women Want There isn't a woman in the world who hasn't asked a boyfriend, partner or husband a question that is designed to get the answer she wants. You know the questions and, if you are honest with yourself, you know exactly why you asked them. Typical questions that are designed to elicit a desired response include:  Does this dress make me look fat?  If we weren’t together, would you still want to date me?  Do you think that she’s pretty?  Does this hair color make me look old?  Do you think I should go back to school and get that degree? You probably have a few that you could add to the list. These questions really put guys on the spot and are guaranteed to get a response that is a lie. Remember, men want to avoid that ocean of intense emotions so they will simply give you the answer they know you want. It is safe; it keeps them on the sandy beach and avoids all the drama of being honest. Why Women Ask Questions Being truly honest with yourself is the key to reflecting on how you may be putting your guy in a no-win situation. Look at the list of questions above. What is the purpose of each of those questions?
  • 17. 6 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com What is it that you really want to hear when you ask that particular thing? The answer is obvious. What women want when they ask these types of questions is reassurance. They want to hear that they are still appealing and attractive in anything that they may decide to wear. They want to hear that they are still an object of desire. Youth, sexiness, beauty and intelligence are all traits that women want to have and be assured that their partner sees in them. Why Men Ask Questions Men ask questions for completely different reasons. Men ask questions to get an answer, not to get the answer that they want to hear. In other words, questions are used as a way to gather information or someone else's opinion on something of importance to them. Take any question from that list above. When a guy asks his girlfriend, partner or spouse if he looks fat, he wants to know if he is putting on a few pounds. He isn't looking for reassurance; he is looking for factual information. He will appreciate hearing a simple answer of "yes, you have put on a bit of weight". That is what he would expect if he asked any one of his friends. It would not be taken as a put-down or a slight, it would be used to evaluate if he needs to get to the gym more often or turn down that second helping of dessert. The Inherent Complication This very different use of questions between men and women causes major rifts in a relationship. Men quickly learn to duck these questions altogether. They often will learn what the desired response is, usually through trial and error, and answer in kind. They begin to develop a response bank of little white lies that keep women happy, and keep themselves out of intense emotional interactions. At first glance it may seem like a win-win situation, but there is danger lurking just below the surface.
  • 18. 7 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com The danger is that women don't want a man who lies. Women want a man who is honest and truthful. No woman wants to ask her partner a serious question and simply get back a meaningless response designed to avoid an emotional confrontation. If you ask your guy if he is happy in the relationship you don't want to hear back "Yeah, sure," you want to understand his perspective on the relationship. This includes all the great things that are positive, but also some things that may be making things difficult for him. When women ask men those reassurance questions and then get angry, hurt, embarrassed, distraught or any other intense emotion, they are actually teaching men to lie. Once the message gets across, the man learns not to tell the truth. The pattern has been set in the relationship. Women have to understand that the way to get a man to speak openly and honestly is to not set him up for these types of questions. Women need to stop and honestly think about the reason they are asking a question. Is it to get information or is it to get reassurance? Do you really want an honest answer or will you respond with highly negative emotional intensity if you don't get the answer you want? Or, even worse, when he gives you his opinion will you simply freeze him out to let him know that he didn't get it right again? Guys need to be understanding of this issue as well. If you aren't boxing him into a corner, it is much more likely he will be willing to dip his toe in the ocean of emotion. But he won't dive off the high board right of the bat. You will both need to be supportive of and work empathetically with each other to make these simple yet amazingly effective communication changes.
  • 19. 8 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com 3. The Myth of Universal Motives and Emotions One of the unique things about human beings is that we are all really self-focused. We can learn to empathize and consider things from other points of view, but our natural and most basic instinct is to think everyone thinks like we do. We go a step beyond that as well and assume everyone has the same motivation that we do when they act or react a certain way in a relationship. This natural tendency will cause fundamental problems in a relationship between a man and a woman. As discussed in the previous chapter, men and women ask specific types of questions for different reasons. Just like we do that differently, we also have different understandings of relationships. Delving into the different ways that men and women see relationships will help to dispel the myth that both men and women think and feel the same about relationship issues. A Simple Example Let's take a concrete and straightforward example. A woman is talking to a male coworker and hears that his girlfriend cheated on him. Immediately the woman feels empathy for the situation and begins to experience a range of emotions as if she is the one that was cheated on. These emotions can vary from anger to hurt, embarrassment to sadness and on and on through a range of different emotional intensities. The woman frames her response to her male coworker from her own perspective. She assumes he will be emotionally devastated, angry, hurt and embarrassed, just as she would be. In other words, she projects her emotional response to the situation onto him and expects him to respond the same way.
  • 20. 9 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com If he does experience the same feelings, she thinks that he is emotionally grounded and in touch with his feelings. However, if he responds outside of what she believes is "right" then he is emotionally cold, was never really in the relationship fully or is in a state of denial. There is no room in her world to believe that maybe he is alright with the breakup and maybe it really didn't have a huge emotional impact on his life. In fact, research studies show that cheating is perceived differently between the genders. Women typically think that when a husband or boyfriend cheats it is because he is unhappy in the relationship. The reason they believe this is true is because emotionally they know that the only reason they would cheat is because they were unhappy in their relationship. They project that onto the cheating man as if that were the sole reason why he would cheat. The research shows that most guys who cheat are not unhappy in their marriage. They cheat for many reasons, but unhappiness is not at the top of the list. This myth, like many others, creates misunderstandings between men and women. Don't Project Women cannot expect men to think about relationship issues the same way that they do. This is not only counterproductive, but it creates a block in allowing you to really understand what is going on in his head. Men need to avoid assuming that women are motivated by the same things that they are, for the exact same reason. It is important not to project in any type of interaction and communication. This goes back a bit to questioning as well. Many times women start out a conversation with a "feeling" question. It may be something like asking your man how he is feeling, why he is looking so worried or looking frustrated or upset. These "feelings" questions are emotional landmines dotted across the relationship. The guy is likely to answer with a safe response, often by saying nothing is wrong or everything is fine. In fact there may be something wrong, and all may not be fine, but nothing really major is being experienced emotionally. Unlike women, men are not as
  • 21. 10 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com tuned into their emotional state all through the day, so "fine" is a perfectly good answer, at least to him. To her it is avoidance. After all, if a woman answers "fine" to a feeling question, they are not telling the truth. They are a range of things, but definitely not fine. Men tend to say everything is fine, good, or going smoothly when they are comfortable and relaxed, enjoying life and just in coast mode. Women want to hear the details, how relaxed they are, how wonderful the sensation of just being with her is, and "fine" just does not cut it as a complete answer. The same goes for the age-old problem of men looking at other women. When women see their guy checking out another woman they make projected assumptions about his motives. These projected motives can include:  He finds her more attractive than me.  He is looking for a new partner so this relationship is in trouble.  He no longer finds me attractive, sexy and appealing.  He doesn't love me anymore. You get the picture. In fact the reason he is looking at another women may be as simple as because she is standing there. Men tend to respond to visual cues in their environment, likely due to that hunter evolutionary model, and naturally notice all kinds of things. That doesn't mean it should make you happy, but it does mean that you shouldn't jump to conclusions, become emotionally upset and attack the guy. Since you can only change your own response to thinking about his actions, this is where the shift has to happen. Once you stop attacking him about looking at another woman, whom he may only register at a basic level, you are in a better position to start a meaningful conversation about your concerns. This is because you aren't seen as pushing him into the emotional ocean over something that he doesn't see as an issue. When men are secure in their relationship and know that their woman isn't going to go from 0 to 100 in sixty seconds on the
  • 22. 11 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com emotional intensity scale, he will be more open to conversations. This only happens when trust has developed and actions back up the conversations that you have with each other. When he feels that you will listen openly and honestly, he is in a good place to understand why some things he does are problematic for you. Yes, this does mean that you have to start the process. Remember, you are the emotionally adaptable one of the partnership who is capable of a higher level of emotional intelligence. Developing the skills to be able to look through his eyes at any given situation and not assume that what you think is what he is thinking is a great first step in the right direction.
  • 23. 12 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com 4. The 100% Principle The 100% Principle is not as mathematical as it may appear at first glance. Basically the principle is designed to help people, both men and women, to understand that they have to take 100% responsibility for their contribution to the relationship. In other words, to learn to be honest and open about their own motives, actions, reactions, behaviors and responses and how these contribute to or hinder the relationship. This is a huge step and one that will have profound influence on the ongoing growth of a relationship. After all, if I am not committed to taking 100% responsibility for my part of the relationship, I can take credit for the positives and simply lay the negatives at the other person's feet. This gives each person in the relationship a scapegoat, the other person, for anything that doesn't go right. Does this mean that you have to take the blame for everything? Do you have to take on the issues that your partner has, as if they were your own? The answer to these questions is a resounding no. In fact, taking responsibility for their actions means that you are assuming you know what their motivation actually is. And, to further fine-tune the point, this would call for a lot of projection on your part. So, what does the 100% Principle look like in action? First, taking responsibility for your own part in the relationship is not an overnight cure or a quick fix for all your relationship problems. Like everything else you try to change, you need to do it in small steps and at a pace that you are comfortable with. You need to be patient and consistent and set the example. By changing how you are doing things and responding to the other person, you allow them the freedom to take 100% responsibility for their own actions and also make positive changes.
  • 24. 13 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com What Do You Want in Your Relationship? The first step in implementing the 100% Principle is to actually stop and think about what you want your relationship to look like. This is not a generalization and you need to be specific about what you want. Some typical goals for the relationship improvement may be:  Becoming more attentive to each other.  Gaining a better understanding of the other person.  Making the relationship stronger by building emotional security and safety.  Having a better sexual relationship.  Communicating more effectively and positively.  Sharing more on deeper levels. Once you know what you want, then you can look at what you can do to help to get to that point. Since most women want to have a greater sense of connection in the relationship, this may be an overarching goal. It is also a great place to start in building security and safety in the relationship for him. When he feels safe, secure and loved then intimacy improves and attentiveness towards each other becomes the norm for the couple. The Big Mistake The biggest mistake that people make when they try to apply the 100% Principle is to only look for one possible response from their mate. In other words, projecting what they want to see as the only way that improvement can occur. To understand this concept let's use an example. A woman wants to make her husband feel more loved and secure in their relationship. She starts by checking her reassurance questions and avoids boxing him into a corner with this type of communication. The next step that she takes is to send him a text one day, just saying how much she loves him and can't wait until he gets home that night.
  • 25. 14 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com Immediately after hitting send she starts checking her phone for a text from him saying something similar. Nothing happens. When the husband gets home he greets his wife at the door with a huge hug and a kiss. She is so devastated that he didn't text her back she fails to notice how loving he is, which has been anything but typical for this couple. She draws away or doesn't respond with what he thinks is the right response and the relationship weakens rather than gets stronger. Instead of looking for a specific response from your mate, try looking for any type of change for the positive. Is there an extra bit of romance in your life? Is there less conflict over relationship issues? Do you feel emotionally and physically closer? A great way to think of this is as a gradual, meaningful change for the better. However, you can only control your 100% of the relationship. How he chooses to respond is his decision and you have to open up to look for this change. It is the complete opposite of playing a video game. In a video game you hit a button and get a set response. Your character in the game always does just what you want. The game also responds in a predictable pattern, but this is not at all what makes a relationship work. You have to stop thinking that you can somehow manipulate or control his behavior or response by what you do. Instead, look for ways to encourage him to be him, so you can be you. Changing yourself and creating a person who encourages the relationship, respects the other person and notices change with loving support is the only way to reach your relationship goals. With this type of change, consistency and patience are mandatory, but they really do pay off huge dividends in the relationship.
  • 26. 15 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com 5. Prince Charming Doesn't Exist and Neither Does Miss Perfect Everyone has his or her fantasy partner. It may be Prince Charming that is dashing and handsome, always knows what to say and knows just how to make you feel special, loved and treasured. It may be a sexy bad boy who simply oozes desire for you at every turn. Guys also have their own fantasy partners. These are the Miss Perfects. They may be that amazingly beautiful starlet or a porn star who never has a headache and always tells him he is the best. In fact, the Prince Charming fantasy is very common for most women. Women are likely to look for emotional qualities that include making them feel loved and secure. This is all a very romantic image. Think of the Prince slaying the dragon to save the damsel and only ever looking at her, for all eternity. It starts with the fairy tales that little girls read and is very evident in modern literature and movies. Just look at the Twilight series and you can see Prince Charming is still front and center, just a little different perhaps than how he used to look. The damage that is done by holding on to this fantasy persona and comparing all real men and women to these images is incredible. There is no person alive who can match up with every aspect of the fantasy man or woman. This is true if the fantasy is a Prince Charming, a Miss Perfect or an actual person. Think of the hot stars who may be considered to be the perfect match. Brad Pitt, Edward Cullen, Katy Perry and Kim Kardashian may be seen as the ideal partners, but that is only from a distance. They too have their issues, their bad hair days and their weird
  • 27. 16 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com personality quirks. You just never have the chance to see them as they really are since they only present their wonderful side to the world. Unfortunately, in real world relationships we see the whole person. This means we are privy to the wonderful side as well as the not-so- wonderful side. The flaws are going to be right there along with the personality traits and characteristics that drew you to them in the first place. And despite what we all like the think, the same is true for us. Our partners see us, warts and all, without airbrushed make-up and just-from-the-stylist hair. Taking the good with the bad is all part of being in a relationship. When you hold your partner up to that fantasy image, all you will see is the areas that don't match. You may find you have the strong man that is willing to battle that dragon for you, but he is also the silent type that doesn't talk about his feelings. You may be the sexy bombshell, but may also be very insecure about your looks and need a lot of reassurance from your man. Being able to accept an entire person is essential in building a relationship. He or she will never be your fantasy person; that individual does not exist on the face of the earth. Accepting this and moving forward to cherish and love your partner for who he is and having him love you for who you are is a major factor in building happiness into your relationship.
  • 28. 17 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com 6. The Fairytale Ending: Does Happily Ever After Actually Exist? Having a lifelong relationship that is monogamous, positive and breathtaking throughout the years is something that our culture holds up as the ideal. But, just like the perfect partner we all have lurking in our mind, this too is more of a fantasy than a reality. Yes, there are some people who live their entire lives in complete bliss with each other. They are romantically in love for their whole life, with never a thought about any possible improvements that could happen to make their lives together more complete. These people are few and far between. In reality, most people find that a relationship slowly cools down or settles into a rut as they go through life together. All their little quirks that somehow you just missed seeing when you were madly in love are now glaring you in the face every day. You don't feel that same emotional and physical excitement when you spend time together. So, for many people, the thought is that the relationship is over, the passion is gone and this is as good as it can get. The flip side to this coin is that you can work on developing passion in a relationship. It doesn't happen by accident to most people, but with just a bit of effort you can open the door to a much more loving and intimate relationship with each other. It may not be the same as that amazing first kiss, but it can be just as good in its own way. Setting yourself up to think about being with a person for a lifetime may actually contribute to discord in a relationship. Instead, you may want to think about living day to day. Waking up and knowing
  • 29. 18 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com you want to be with your man this day and the day after is a great start. Don't worry about 10, 20 or 40 years from now. Instead concentrate on making the next 24 hours the best they can be. After this 24-hour block you go on to the next. Before you know it a week is gone, then months, then years. With ongoing effort on your part and his, you just may have that 50 year or 75 year anniversary celebration. But even if you don't reach that milestone, you can still have a relationship that is positive and fulfilling for as long as you can. This may not seem all that romantic, but it really is at the core of all human interaction. Being happy, content, loved and secure is a daily need. Filling those needs for yourself and for him each day is the only way that long term success occurs. Of course there are deal breakers as well. You will determine what those deal breakers are for you. Some things may just be too much to absorb and for you to remain content on a daily basis. If a partner cheats, mistreats you in the relationship, or does something that you cannot condone or accept, the deal may be broken. The key is to know what the deal breakers are and to not hold yourself to an impossible standard of staying together if these things occur. You don't have to accept everything your partner brings to the table; you have a right to have your happiness as well.
  • 30. 19 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com 7. Making Happiness Happen Happiness is not a lucky accident. Truly happy people work at creating environments where happiness can thrive. This means in all aspects of your life, including your relationship. It all starts with looking past the fantasy and seeing the wonderful aspects of the person right in front of you. A man will behave like a man and a woman needs to be accepted as a woman. And somehow, both of you have to accept each other as human beings who are not perfect. Dropping the pretense of perfection and going for realistic is one way to ensure that you will be happy in your relationship. Don't fret if he happens to look at another woman when you are out at the mall. In turn you should be given some slack when you accidently try to push him into the deep end of the emotional pool. Just remember that slipups happen, see them for what they are, and keep moving forward. Staying Positively Focused Staying focused on the positives that you want in your life may seem a bit too New Age for some. It is really at the heart and soul of the Law of Attraction, but it is so applicable in all aspects of life. After all, if the glass is always half empty there is always a void to be filled. If the glass is always half full then you are satisfied at your most basic level. Look towards the things in your relationship that bring you personal happiness and pleasure. Make them your focus and strive to strengthen these aspects of your life together. Don't spend all your time wishing he was more like somebody else. Celebrate the positive qualities that he has and you will find happiness in the relationship that will be enduring and supportive.
  • 31. 20 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com Focusing in on just making the other person in the relationship happy will not give you happiness. You have to make it happen for yourself and then it will also happen for them. You can't fake happiness in your life, your job or your relationship. You have to be authentic in your enjoyment of life so that it truly permeates your world. Steps to Happiness The steps to happiness are relatively simple and are easily within your grasp, no matter where you may be in your life or your relationship. The first and most important step is to be able to focus in on yourself. Be happy in your responsibilities to your family, your work as a wife, a woman and a mom. Thrive in your life and see your successes as accomplishments that you have made. Take pride in who you are and all that you have achieved. When you are honestly happy with who you are as a partner, mother, sister and friend, then that happiness also flows into the people around you. You are no longer stalking around the house looking for mistakes, watching where his eyes are resting, and baiting him with those impossible questions. You don't need a lot of reassurance because you are self-confident and have true respect and healthy admiration for yourself and those around you. In turn you will find that he is happy too. There are no more disagreements about minor issues and molehills are never blown up into mountains. Some of those things that you do that irritate him become less of a problem, just as his flaws are no longer as problematic for you. With continued effort this type of personal happiness becomes complete relationship happiness. Yes, there will be disagreements in the relationship, but they will be over the things that actually matter. In addition, you will be closer and more emotionally comfortable and secure with each other. This will prevent some of the conflict and misunderstanding that was contributing to those angry and silly exchanges in the past.
  • 32. 21 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com 8. Make It So: Creating Relationship Success Being able to talk about how you want your relationship to succeed with your partner is an important part of creating the relationship you both want. This conversation is not a dinner table dialogue. You have to have a strong basis of love, respect and understanding for yourself and your partner. For women these conversations are easy. For men they are a nightmare. Women want to dissect each and every feeling, change and transition, and guys just want to go with the flow and avoid the discussion. So, having a way to start talking about the relationship is crucial. The key is in building trust, confidence in yourself and confidence in your partner. As a woman you will also need to choose your time to have the conversation and keep it as "guy friendly" as possible. In the proceeding chapters the essential components of the 100% Principle, personal happiness and getting rid of fantasy issues about relationships have been discussed. When women are willing to deal with these issues the groundwork is set to start working toward a successful relationship. However, to make it work you have to be honest with yourself. You have to think about what you are doing in the relationship and how you can create an emotional environment where the changes you want can happen. When both men and women feel secure, loved, and physically and emotionally engaged in a relationship, they are more open to listening to how things can and will change. When people feel isolated, attacked and uncomfortable, change is a scary, scary concept. In order to set the stage for change, security in the relationship has to be in place. Remember, no one can do this on
  • 33. 22 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com his or her own; it takes a true feeling of partnership to provide emotional security and comfort in making changes. Another important factor is how to facilitate change without making it a huge issue. Not everyone, especially men, wants to spend time talking about how much better they feel about the relationship. They are more likely to show their comfort in being more attentive, romantic and increase their communication levels, but not necessarily about the relationship or about emotions. Watch for those changes and make sure to let him know that you noticed in a supportive, positive way. A simple text message is a great way to catch his attention and let him know you can't wait to see him again. Successful relationships are not about changing the other person. They are about accepting that person for who they are and encouraging them to continue to grow. Good relationships are not one-sided and women have to understand that they can become lost in their family commitments if they don't spend time working on the romance and emotional intimacy. Relationships should refresh, rejuvenate and bring you happiness, not drain you emotionally. Successful relationships require tending, just like a garden. You have to work at recognizing each other, feeding each other emotionally and caring for each other's needs. When this happens, the relationship blossoms and flourishes, couples want to stay together and both partners achieve success and happiness.
  • 34. 23 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com 9. Time-Tested Takeaways Summing up or recapping an entire book is difficult, but there are some takeaways that are easy to remember. By focusing in on the main points or elements of the book, you can help to keep your relationship growing, thriving and evolving. Takeaway 1: Men and Women are Different Obvious as well as invisible differences can be found between the genders. It is essential that women don't assume men think or respond the same way that they do. The differences between men and women did not happen overnight. They are caused by the evolutionary psychology of the genders developed from earliest time. Men are hardwired to be less emotionally active and reactive while women are designed to have much faster adaptability of emotions to given situations. Takeaway 2: Questions Matter Women tend to ask specific questions to get specific answers. These answers provide reassurance and confirmation of what she wants to hear. Men ask questions to get information and answer questions to provide information, not for reassurance and emotional support. Women need to avoid asking questions that put a man in a position of having to tell a "white lie" rather than providing information. This helps to create honesty in the relationship and saves men from having to deal with potentially emotion-laced conversations that they want to avoid. Takeaway 3: He Doesn't Think the Same Way as You Men and women do not respond to emotional issues the same way. Do not project or attribute male responses to female emotions.
  • 35. 24 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com Assuming that a man is responding on a female emotional level is inaccurate and leads to increased conflict. Takeaway 4: You Have to Give 100% The 100% Principle states that each person is responsible for their own actions. They cannot control each other, but through giving 100% to the relationship they can create an environment where positive changes can occur for both partners. If you are not taking 100% responsibility for your actions in the relationship you are creating a place for blame and denial to occur. In addition, you cannot dictate how the positive change will occur. Instead of looking for the final goal, look for those small positive changes he is making and recognize and celebrate them in ways that make you both happy with each other. Takeaway 5: He is Not a Fantasy Everyone has a fantasy in their head of the perfect partner. The more you compare your current partner to that fictional fantasy image, the more dissatisfied you will become. Get rid of the comparison and start focusing on the wonderful attributes of the real person you are with. Takeaway 6: Live for Today Instead of worrying about what will be happening in your relationship years in the future, live for today. Commit to making things better in your relationship one day at a time. The weeks, months and years will take care of themselves. Takeaway 7: Happiness is Yours for the Taking To get to a place of happiness personally and in your relationship, you have to focus on the positives. By focusing in on what you want and the small changes that are getting you there, you will be happy and rewarded in the relationship. Focusing on what isn't happening only leads to negativity and hostility in the relationship.
  • 36. 25 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com Takeaway 8: You Create Your Relationship It takes effort, conscious thought and a lot of work to keep a relationship passionate and growing. The great news is that you can make small changes in your behavior that will allow him to also grow and change. You have control of your relationship destiny; you just have to choose to use it. Communication, understanding and recognizing the differences between men and women in relationships is the key to success. Remember that a relationship that works is one where both people are their own unique selves, but they have developed a way to communicate, support and love each other. By developing these skills you will find that your relationship changes, grows and improves. Be patient, work on the relationship and always be ready for that unexpected positive change that helps to keep your relationship right where you want it to be.
  • 37. 26 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com Get Even More At It’s All About Women, we believe in always overdelivering and doing whatever we can to ensure that our community receives the greatest value from everything we do. With that in mind, we’d like to gift you with instant access to: o The original audio interview that this book is based on—to listen to or to download. o A digital workbook—for instant download. o A special video interview with another expert on this topic— to watch or to download. Go here to Get Instant Access to Your Special Gifts You can also copy and paste this link into your Internet browser: http://www.itsallaboutwomen.com/fiore/downloadgifts Get More from Michael Fiore Michael Fiore shows you how to gain “X-Ray” vision into your man’s mind… The Secret Survey: What Men Desperately Want You to Know but Could Never Tell You Are you tired of trying to figure out what he’s really thinking? When you ask what’s on his mind, do you feel he’s lying to you? To be honest…you’re probably right!
  • 38. 27 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com Men lie all the time and this lack of honesty can drive a wedge into even the most loving of relationships. So what can you do about it? Well, you can learn to read his mind and it’s easier than you may think… The Question That Will Change Your Life Forever The Secret Survey is an eye-opening program that will help you get inside the minds of men so you can change your life and your relationships forever. This program came about when Michael noticed a pattern in relationship problems women had with the men they love. Michael decided to conduct an extensive investigation through an email survey that would get to the root of these issues and put an end to the tears, heartache, misunderstanding and dishonesty once and for all. He asked men, "What’s the one thing you desperately wish women understood about men but could never tell her?" From the responses he received, which were often painfully emotional but always incredibly honest, Michael knew he had discovered a way to help countless women get the kind of romance, intimacy and connection that they crave. Understand Why Men Do What They Do This is the "light bulb" revelation that inspired Michael to create The Secret Survey program. It is a brutally honest, no-holds-barred guide to understanding how men think and how you can use this information to create the kind of love that lasts a lifetime.
  • 39. 28 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com In The Secret Survey you’ll discover:  How to get any man you want to open up to you whenever you want.  Why men lie to the women they love and what you can do about it.  The techniques that will help you find out how he really feels about you.  Why he looks at other women and how to handle it.  Why he doesn’t talk to you and why he gets so quiet. These are just a few of the hundreds and hundreds of insights that will give you the "x-ray vision" into his mind. Get access to this incredible, one-of-a-kind program that will get you the love you want and discover powerful insights into men’s minds. Get Support from It’s All About Women We’re here for you! We will support, empower and guide you to consciously create the life of your dreams. The two easiest ways to get involved are: 1. Sign up to receive our complimentary emails and get instant access to 3 gifts that will make your life even better, today! 2. LIKE our Facebook page and start receiving our daily inspiration...and connect with more than 25,000 women just like you, from all over the world. We truly hope you enjoy this special eBook and the bundle of goodies it comes with.
  • 40. 29 www.ItsAllAboutWomen.com Your feedback is really important to us. Let us know your thoughts about this eBook bundle at: support@itsallaboutwomen.com and (866) 406-2790. Thank you for the opportunity to serve you. You Are Remarkable, The It’s All About Women Team Dedicated to Making Your Life Even Better!