"Communicate Powerfully... Without Being A BITCH: A Guide For Women" by Michelle Villalobos

aggressive passive • always needs to win • never needs to win • doesn’t listen • only listens • doesn’t trust • too trusting

assertive

problem is...

hedging

the “feminization of leadership” * Lois P. Frankel, PhD

“male” vs. “female” attributes

“male” “female” decisive nurturing commanding communicating controlling reconciling . . . . . . . .

“Companies with the most women in senior management positions had a 35% higher return on equity and a 34% higher return to shareholders.” – Catalyst Study * Lois P. Frankel, PhD

the little girl in us

the bitch in us

what aggressive behavior looks like (note speciﬁc behaviors)

passive? (speciﬁc behaviors)

passive-aggressive? (speciﬁc behaviors)

poll: where are you?

become self-aware

signs you need to soften your approach people won’t disagree with you they act passive around you (or) you get into lots of arguments people often leave you angry or upset you raise your voice a lot you speak loud and fast you interrupt you are impolite you are intimidating

signs you need to strengthen your approach you don’t share your thoughts/needs you are resentful you’re not getting what you deserve you’re overly polite you apologize a lot you back down from debates you avoid conﬂict at all costs people take advantage of you you can’t say no

WARNING! If you’re doing everything right, then you’ll probably piss off some people...

Look Act Sound Speak

how you look

what do you notice?

what you say & how you say it

1. use strong language, lose weak language

blame you for issues that aren’t yours childish not effective leadership (it’s not about you) “I” often leads to “psychobabble” takes focus off the facts * How To Say It For Women Phyllis Mindell, Ed.D.

“I don’t have enough time to complete that job” “I like the way you closed that deal” “I noticed that the ofﬁce wasn’t cleaned up” “You forgot to send me that email” “We need more time to ﬁnish this task” “I feel good about this project” * How To Say It For Women Phyllis Mindell, Ed.D.

“you”

“feel”

only just well really in my opinion sort of kind of apparently I’m not an expert, but I may not be qualiﬁed, but but maybe lose the qualiﬁers

“psychobabble” rambling & nervous chatter

delete words that don’t add value

instead try “um” pausing passive voice active voice “feel” stating the facts “I” 3rd person ﬁllers pauses

“I may be wrong but what if we try a new approach? I was thinking, you know, maybe we could, um, find a partner or something, you know to help us grow our mailing list. Maybe I could call a few people that I know. I don’t know, what do you think?” kie josiuel lk asj kdi ko oudu lki, reit kci,wii, oieru iyd klkea loi leoop ncke adlfjad ieu loo keuu eioci klle leyuc ckelk lke as eec eae ree clkj elkj sld fkjds adlk fja.... too passive

“That idea is no good, forget it. We should ﬁnd a partner and tap into their list. I know a few and I will start calling as soon as we ﬁnish.” aggressive

“One way to grow a list is to partner with others and offer a beneﬁt in return. I know a few I can call. Thoughts?” just right

“(k)notty words” can not could not should not do not would not

2. some hedges are okay (to complain, criticize or avoid blame)

use passive for distance “I want you to stop badgering the client” “You’re badgering the client, please stop” “The client is complaining about your badgering” “Badgering bothers the client and must stop” “Badgering clients won’t be tolerated” * How To Say It For Women Phyllis Mindell, Ed.D.

discuss

3. volume, tone, tempo & inﬂection (note your observations)

lower higher slower vs faster louder softer

4. avoid monopolizing, domineering & interrupting

5. active listening (note the behaviors)

the opposite of active listening

6. sarcasm & other passive-aggressive behavior

“Everything is “Maybe if you had been great. Just perfect. doing your job, we wouldn’t Thanks a lot for be in this situation.” your help.” “It’s not like you do anything anyways.”

dealing with sarcasm • counter by being solution-oriented • be the “bigger person” • address sarcasm • ask for alternate behavior • use active listening • uncover the real issue (ask!) • talk about that (honestly)

7. learn about personality type

8. watch the smile...

• we often use to “soften” • men can’t read well • smiling when angry • passive aggressive

9. in difﬁcult situations, use D.E.S.C. * Lois P. Frankel, PhD

D: Describe the situation E: Explain & Elicit a response S: Specify C: Consequences * Lois P. Frankel, PhD

role play!

10. say no

let’s practice! 30-second commercial

too strong?

too soft?

what 3 things will you do to communicate more powerfully (without being a bitch)?

aggressive • Close minded • Staccato speech • Poor listener • “You must” (should, • Can’t see other’s POV better)" • Trusts self, but not others • Confrontational • Interrupts • Must win arguments • Monopolizes conversations • Threatens, attacks • Domineering, bullying • Frustrated • Patronizing or sarcastic • Impatient • Invades people's space • Fosters resistance, • Know-it-all attitude deﬁance, sabotaging, • Lack of appreciation striking back, lying, • Points, shakes ﬁnger covering up • Frowns • Forces compliance with • Glares, stares resentment • Loud, yells

passive • Doesn't make waves. • Downcast eyes/no eye contact • Doesn’t disagree (out loud) • Low volume, meek • “You have more rights than I” • Babbles when anxious • Doesn't speak up, hesitant • “I can't...” “I shouldn’t...”, “I’m • Apologetic, self-conscious probably wrong...” “I'll try...” • Trusts others, but not self • Monotone, low energy • Lets others make decisions • Avoids, ignores, leaves, • Avoids conflict at all costs postpones • Stays quiet if treated unfairly • Withdraws, is sullen and silent • Asks permission • Asks for lots of advice, unnecessarily supervision • Complains instead of taking • Agrees too often action • Doesn't get credit for work • Self-effacing • Builds dependent • Nods head often, smiles often relationships • Lack of facial animation • Promotes others' causes

assertive • Don’t always win, but • Decisive & action-oriented handles situations as • Consistent effectively as possible • Direct eye contact • Active listener • Varied rate of speech • States expectations, sets • “I prefer” - “I choose to” boundaries • “What are my options?” • Considers others feelings • “What alternatives do we • States observations without have?” labels or judgments • Negotiates, bargains, trades • Expresses self directly, off, compromises honestly, and quickly about • Confronts problems right issues & wants when they happen • Conﬁdent, trusts self and • Doesn’t let negative feelings others build up • Open, ﬂexible, versatile • Feels well-understood

want more? * in-house workshops * group coaching * one-on-one coaching www.MichelleVillalobos.com Call Jessica Lurie (888) 531-3830 Copyright Michelle Villalobos, Mivista Consulting, Inc. 2009. All Rights Reserved. To Reprint, Distribute or Repurpose, visit www.MivistaConsulting.com and click “Contact Us”.

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"Communicate Powerfully... Without Being A BITCH: A Guide For Women" by Michelle Villalobos

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