Dear Commander-in-Chief Happy happy, I must admit it was cold out there, but thanks for bringing me back in. Your ring of steel is assured. Ive got your back, like Obama has Israels. There are just a few loose ends that need to be bound and gagged but otherwise no one will touch you on the road to Mangaung. Salute, Future Police Commissioner Richard
Dear Outgoing President,I know we’ve had our differences in thepast… Ok, it was just last week. Sorryabout that whole “dictator” thing.At 70 don’t you think it’s time you calledit a day?As President I mean, not in life.Give someone younger a chance. We couldwork on a rotation, you knowKgalema-Tokyo-Mathews-Fikile-Me.What do you say?Enjoy the festivities.I must have missed your invitation. Lovies, Juju
Happy birthday Mr President, This is probably the last time anyone calls you that on your birthday, so savour it. Gugu and I wish you well on your imminent retirement. Contrary to the T-shirts I have no designs on your presidency. I have no idea where Julius, the media and everyone else are getting this from, but that shit you pulled with the Top Six briefing – it wasn’t funny, cut it out. See you in Mangaung.Best wishes,Kgalema Motlanthe
and wa sam’Hey Sth Long time no see. Since you’re jetting off more than Thabo these days I thought I’d send you a card to say happy birthday. It’s hard to keep track of you so I’m following you on Twitter, but my love you’re really boring. That Helen Zille is so funny. You should be more like her. Hope you can find time soon for me, and our new brood of chickens. Miss you. XOXO Your loving wife No. 1
Dear Comrade, Weve come a long way, so happy birthday and congrats on reaching 70. Who would have thought? Back in the day our roads werent littered with toll gates, our people were gainfully employed in the struggle and the alliance was tighter than a labour brokers ass. Now our people are unemployed and frankly, were bored. I hope we can work out our differences soon; for your sake before Mangaung. There are times when I feel we understand each other, but then there are times when I feel I need to crowd surf in the Jo’burg CBD to get your attention. Whats the deal? Anyway, see you in Mangaung or at the next toll gate.Yours in the colour red,Zwelinzima
Hi Jacob,I thought about tweeting you thisbirthday wish, but let’s face it I’m muchmore of a rock star than you are. BTWMaKhumalo is really funny. You shouldfollow her.So 70 hey? How does it feel? Have youhad enough yet? You know I’m keen.Anyway, all the best – or worst…whatever. Sincerely, Helen
Dear not-my-President, Thanks for the flowers while I was in hospital. How did you know tulips were my favourite? Happy birthday. While I appreciate your “intervention” in my province, I think it’s time you call off your dogs now. It’s a little too much don’t you think? I can’t even access lunch money. Come visit some time. If not, see you in Mangaung.Yours in the power struggle,Cassel PS. Can you help me out with the insurance excess?
Dear Mr President, While I stand by my recent criticism of your leadership, I am man enough to still wish you well on your 70th birthday. You really need to do something about Uncle Gwede though. I’m tempted to put a stop to his overdraft, if it will help. I know I speak for all business leaders as I wish you a happy birthday because, let’s face it, no one else has the balls to speak up. I’ve come in for a lot of praise in recent days and my stock price has risen quite nicely. I have you to thank for being, how shall we put this, less than competent. Some would say “incompetent” – I wouldn’t Some would say “useless” – not me. Some would say “dictator” – well… Best wishes, Reuel PS. If you need a loan, you know what to do.