1. OK, here‟s the thing, y‟all. I waswatchin‟ this show on Animal Planet inwhich a bunch of retarded rednecks gosearching for sasquatches and screamingthat every squirrel fart is the sound of a„squatch „round the corner. Now thisshow is obviously built on bullshit, so Ithought of a show that would be muchmore informative and realistic. It‟scalled: Seeking Unicorns.
2. I know what you‟re thinkin‟— “Wait aminute!!!! Unicorns don‟t exist!!!!” Well,if this is what you‟re thinking, thenyou‟re a freaking moron! Yeah, that‟sright. Unicorns do exist. How do Iknow? Because I‟m a unicorn expert. Ibuilt up my expertise on unicornsthrough years of research….
3. Yeah, that’s totally me. Really.
4. Now that I‟ve established my credibility,you‟re probably wondering why you‟venever seen one. Well, the answer is prettysimple, they don‟t want you to see them.Think about it, people discover them,there‟s a bunch of “Ooohs” and “Awws”and then it‟s off to petting zoos wherethey‟ll be ridden all day by screamingpoopy pants toddlers.
5. Unicorns are super duper real andtheir lives are very mysterious, butallow me to lift some of themystery for you. The mostimportant thing to note is thatunicorns, in spite of theirappearance are NOTHING likehorses.
6. ManeHorn Tail Face Feet
7. Most people don‟t know that unicorns are not herbivores, liketheir cousin the horse, they are equipped with a singular largehorn that they use to ruthlessly impale smaller creatures whichthey then devour savagely.Their favorite tasty treats are:BunniesPuppiesKittensButterfliesHuman babies
8. Believe it or not, unicorns can be foundANYWHERE!!! Actually, as a generalrule, unicorns are so prevalent you arenever more than 8 feet away from a real,live unicorn.
9. Unicorns utilize a variety of camouflage techniques that allow them to remain hidden from the untrained eye.There’s one hiding Sometimes they dress up likein the fog! Look! There’s one hiding people, but somehow they behind that web address!! never look quite right…
10. Now, if you’re like a cynical, know-it-all douchebag, then you’re probably thinking“Well, gee… if unicorns existed we’d have found their bones or something at somepoint.”This is yet another misconception. When a unicorn dies, it does not fall to the earth torot and be eaten by vultures and maggots. Actually, in yet another attempt to disguisetheir existence they’ve adapted to leave little trace evidence of ever having lived—even when they die.Even most unicorn experts do not know for sure what happens to them. Luckily, I DOknow! When a unicorn dies they explode into confetti and glitter!! I even caught thisphenomenon on tape—unfortunately, I can’t show you that because I lost it. But itlooks something like that.
11. I‟m sure by now, you‟re all very curiousto witness a real unicorn. Well, beingthe only person on earth who can dothat , the purpose of my show SeekingUnicorns is to share them with theworld. Through this program I willcombat the moronic, misleading showsabout imaginary creatures and givepeople intelligent, informative, REALfootage of ACTUAL unicorns.