On a piece of paper do a free write (paragraph, bullet points, images, etc.)
I have been a Counselor at a community college for a few years and have been struck by the large number of students who admit to having low self-esteem. It seems that many students believe there is nothing they can do about low self-esteem (Victim role). They understand that it can negatively affect their chances for success, but they don’t see it as anything they could take responsibility for improving. But there is something you can do about it…taking this course is one step.
Take out a piece of paper...good for us to understand where we are at so that we can take the first steps to move forward.
What are your thoughts about the assessment?Was anyone surprised by their result? Anyone want to share their findings?
Now take out a piece of paper. On that paper write down your own definition of self-esteem.You will have the opportunity to revise it later on if you wish.Also, identify someone you know who has high self-esteem according to your definition.Now break up into small groups 2-3.In these groups share your definitions and share a little about the person they chose as having high self-esteem and why.What is it about this person that shows he/she has high self-esteem?Now we will overview some definitions of self-esteem… (go to next slide)
My thoughts: Self-esteem is the opinion you have of yourself. This is not constant. Your self esteem can go up and down depending on what is going on in your life. Any comments? Do you agree or disagree with these definitions? Let’s take time to return to the definition you wrote earlier…feel free to revise it if you want.Have students fold a piece of paper in half lengthwise. On one side, ask them to list all the things they don't like about themselves. On the opposite side, have them list the things they like about themselves. Ask the students to compare the two lists. Ask them why it was more difficult to list the things they liked about themselves. 5. Brainstorm what influences their feelings about themselves. (Parents, Family, TV, Magazines, etc.)Ask the class to brainstorm causes for low self-esteem“We are going to cover a few core influences that most students face”…(next slide)
A major influence on self-esteem is the type of childhood you had, the relationships you had with your parents and others and the amount of praise and encouragement you received from them will all have had a big effect.The psychologist, Carl Rogers, stated that we all develop a need for self-regard, or self-esteem, as we develop and become aware of ourselves. At first, self-esteem reflects the esteem in which others hold us. Parents help children develop self-esteem when they show them unconditional positive regard – this is, when they accept them as having intrinsic merit regardless of their behavior at the moment. But when parents show children conditional positive regard that is when they accept them only when they behave in a desired manner – children develop conditions of worth. That is they may come to think that they have merit or worth only when they behave as their parents wish them to behave. They come to think of themselves as unworthy for failing to meet parental standards which may lead to perfectionism which we will be discussing later. On an emotional level it is important to own and honor the emotional wounds caused by words or actions that we received from parents and others so that we can release the grief energy - the pain, rage, terror, and shame that is driving us. That shame is toxic and is not ours - it never was! We did nothing to be ashamed of - we were just little kids. Just as our parents were little kids when they were wounded and shamed, and their parents before them, etc., etc. This is shame about being human that has been passed down from generation to generation.Thus We are not trying to blame parents…We just need to acknowledge that we received these messages and see how they are impacting us now…as we grow older, we are the ones that are continuing to allow these messages to impact us. Lets start making that first step to identify both positive and negative messages we carry with us. Amount of praise and encouragement more frequent = higher self-esteem. Why? Children are more likely to take risks/try new things, see mistakes as learning lessons rather than judgment of themselves, results = how valuable they are as a person but rather as opportunities for growth.
Abuse: Any type of abusive relationship whether its physical or psychological abuse will invariably have an impact on a person’s self-esteem. Abuse is an invasion of personal boundaries.Abuse happens when someone stronger than ourselves overpowers us, either emotionally, physically, verbally or sexually. Even if the abuse is not "severe" in comparison to what others have experienced, the impact on our self-esteem can be severe. The boundaries between us and the perpetrator are blurred. We tend to own some or all of the blame for the abuse and thus take on what rightfully belongs to the invader. With our boundaries destroyed, we are left vulnerable to the world around us and confused about who we really are.
A common reaction to the invasion of abuse is withdrawal. Sometimes the victim will withdraw so far that they actually dissociate from the event completely. This may be good in the long run except for the fact that the dissociation almost always involves other emotions, longings, fears and identity markers that can no longer be accessed. People who are extremely shy and introverted, people who are emotionally shut down and people who lack in social graces are often (not always) reacting to some kind of abuse. The invasion has left them afraid to feel, afraid to connect and afraid to make a mistake.Another reaction to the invasion of abuse is an attempt to build a wall of defense. The feeling of vulnerability is countered by erecting some kind of wall that we believe will protect us. We can become very angry and keep others at arms length by our temper. We can become very controlling and thus minimize the possibility of future hurt. We can become very sarcastic or funny to deflect our real feelings. We can become an overachiever so that others will identify us by our accomplishments and not by our fears. These walls feel protective but are actually putting us in bondage. We cannot do life without our anger, control, sarcasm, humor or achievements so we are not free to be who we really are... we are forced to keep up the act... and that is exhausting. Recap:Relationships w/ parents and others: The messages we receive growing up influence how we see ourselves. If we are met with more criticism rather than choices and praise, we tend to internalize these negative messages which then replay in our minds. These messages then prevent us from reaching our full potential by filling us with doubt and unrealistic expectations. These then become negative/irrational core beliefs that we internalize.
There is another way to work through abuse and trauma.Consider the following:Be honest about our abuse.We cannot properly deal with all of the feelings and reactions associated with our abuse if we refuse to face what actually happened. Admitting the problem is the beginning of healing.2) Forgive those who hurt us. Holding on to the anger, hatred, malice or even ambivalence toward our abuser only keeps us tied to them and to the abuse and its consequences. Forgiveness does not mean that you are saying it was no big deal. It is not saying that you would let them hurt you again. It is not saying that it did not happen. Forgiveness is simply a choice to release them after coming to the conclusion that there is nothing they could do that would take away what happened to us.Surrender our coping mechanisms.Just as we have to be honest about our abuse, we have to be honest about all of the ways that we have developed to try to help ourselves cope with the abuse. What walls have we erected? What masks have we put on to hide from others? What self-medicating habits have we picked up? Name these coping mechanisms and then willingly lay them down. We may need to invite a few people who are close to us into this process since we often have blind spots related to coping.Embrace the truth about who we really are.Learn to look beyond what happened to us to the person we really are on the inside.Join a safe community.At this point, with walls torn down and feelings exposed, belonging to a community where we feel safe is vital. A support group or counselor can provide a place for us to grow in our new positive identity. People who know our need for healing and encouragement will be a great help in this process of rebuilding.
Recap:Relationships w/ parents and others: The experiences we have and the messages we receive growing up influence how we see ourselves. If we are met with more criticism rather than choices and praise, we tend to internalize these negative messages which then replay in our minds. These messages then prevent us from reaching our full potential by filling us with doubt and unrealistic expectations. These then become negative/irrational core beliefs that we internalize and replay in our minds and play out in our current relationships with others in our adulthood.Core beliefs are the fundamental building blocks of self-esteem…your basic assumptions about your value in the world. Core beliefs determine to what degree you see yourself as worthy, safe, competent, powerful, autonomous, and loved. They also establish your sense of belonging and basic picture of how you are treated by others.Your inner monologue in turn serves to strengthen and reinforce your core beliefs. Ex. When you tell yourself you’re stupid, you convince yourself that this is true. By the same token, if you self-statements reflect a basic faith in your intelligence, this core belief will be confirmed and solidified. Most bad feelings come from negative core beliefs or illogical thoughts. What do I mean by that?Think about this: When you feel upset, the thoughts that make you feel bad are often illogical and distorted, even though these thoughts may seem as real as the skin on your hand! In other words, when you feel lousy, you are nearly always fooling yourself about something, even though you aren’t aware of this. It’s as if you are wearing a strong pair of glasses that distort your view of the world , or looking into the trip mirrors at the amusement park that make you look too fat, too short, or too skinny.Let’s look at some forms of twisted thinking that lead to most bad feelings and low self-esteem.
Go over slide with tyrone;After point out negative thoughts: Pass out blank bubble sheet and distorted thinking worksheetWe all have experienced events that make us upset. When you are upset, you probably think about something bad that has happened to you. Its natural to feel unhappy when bad things happen. What are some of the things that make you feel bad? Picture in your mind’s eye a time when you felt sad and dicouraged or worried or angry. It may have been recently or at any time in your life. Describe what happened in the space below the blank bubble sheet. Try to be specific: Who were you with? What happened? When was it? Where were you?Now think about how you felt and jot down your feelings anywhere on the paper except for in the picture. Think what you were thinking at the time…what thoughts when in your head…what negative thoughts filtered in. Now in the blank bubble, write down those negative thoughts that explain why you were unhappy.Flip the page over:Discuss distorted thinking worksheet and then apply it to Tyrone:Examples: All or nothing: Looking at self in black and white cause think he is a total loser even though may be doing well in other things.Overgeneralization: He lost his job, but he generalizing his entire self.Mental filter: He’s dwelling on this bad event and letting it discolor his entire view of life, much like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water.Discounting the positives: He’s overlooking his many good qualitiesMagnification or minimization: He’s blowing this negative event out of proportion.Emotional reasoning: Tyrone reasons from how he feels. He feels like a “born loser” so he believe he really is one.Should statements: He may have the belief that he should always be successful at things and never fail. HE may also believe that if he is a good person and tries hard, life should always go smoothly.Labeling: He’s labeling himself as “a born loser” instead of trying to learn from the situation or thinking about the best way to find a new job.Blame: He’s automatically blaming himself for getting laid off. In point of fact, lots of people at his plant were laid off due to a slowdown in the economy. Thyrone’s employment record has been excellent.Now let’s work on your own thoughts that you wrote in your bubble and write any distortions as you can in the space provided.Irrational thoughts and distorted thinking can make us feel as victims rather than creators in our life. The key is challenging these irrational/distorted thinking and finding a healthier approach to the challenges in life.
Go over each column and pass out worksheet for them to practice.
Once we discover our thoughts, it is also important to explore the importance of boundaries with self-esteem.We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty, to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.Example of healthy boundaries:* Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent, too detached or overly independent, and achieve arelationship with another while not losing their personal identity, uniqueness and autonomy in the process. *Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel or act. * Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.
Ask class of examples of healthy boundaries.Signs of unhealthy boundaries.Over Enmeshment: This symptom requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel and act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms.Disassociation: This symptom involves blanking out during a stressful emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell yourself something like: "It doesn't matter." "Ignore it and it will go away soon enough.'' "No sense in fighting it, just hang on and it will be over soon.'' "Don't put up a struggle or else it will be worse for you.'' This blanking out results in your being out of touch with your feelings about what happened. It also may result in your inability to remember what happened. Excessive Detachment: Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there doesn't seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union. You and they seem to lack a common purpose, goal, identity or rationale for existing together. There is a seeming lack of desire from you and the other members to draw together to form a union because you fear loss of personal identity.Victimhood or Martyrdom: In this symptom, you identify yourself as a violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be that once you accept your victimization you continue to be knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.Chip on the Shoulder: This symptom is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or physical space and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you have a "chip on your shoulder'' that declares "I dare you to come too close!''Aloofness or Shyness: This symptom is a result of your insecurity from real or perceived experiences of being ignored, roved or rejected in the past. This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to include others in your space. Once rejected you take the defensive posture to reject others before they reject you.Smothering: This symptom results when another is overly solicitous of your needs and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your emotional and physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you are being strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on your own. You feel violated, used and overwhelmed.Lack of Privacy: this symptom is present when you feel that nothing you think, feel or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others in your family or group all the detail and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain.
Unhealthy: I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again. Healthy Boundary Builder: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being violated. Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy family or group. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests, hobbies and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over enmeshed system.
Put up signs in corners of the room.Hand out assertiveness formsDo assertiveness activity
The criticism we receive throughout life (esp in childhood) and the irrational thoughts/core beliefs that we develop create perfectionism.People who are perfectionist tend to have standards and expectations that are very difficult or impossible to meet.Although having high standards is often helpful, perfectionism is associated with having standards that are so high that they actually interfere with performance (procrastination, starting but not finishing, giving up, losing motivation when almost done, etc).Perfectionism is often associated with other problems, such as anxiety and depression.What is perfectionism?the irrational belief that you and/or your environment must be perfect * the striving to be the best, to reach the ideal and to never make a mistake * an all pervasive attitude that whatever you attempt in life must be done letter perfect with no deviation, mistakes, slip-ups or inconsistencies * a habit that keeps you constantly alert to the imperfections, failings, and weakness in yourself and others * the guidelines or the way things are "supposed to be" * the underlying motive present in the fear of failure and fear of rejection, i.e., if I am not perfect I will fail and/or I will be rejected by others * a reason why you may be fearful of success, i.e., if I achieve my goal, will I be able to continue, maintain that level of achievement * a rigid, moralistic outlook that does not allow for humanism or imperfection * an inhibiting factor that keeps you from making a commitment to change habitual, unproductive behavior out of fear of not making the change "good enough" * the belief that no matter what you attempt it is never "good enough" to meet your own or others' expectations Isn’t this exhausting? Do you or anyone you know struggle with perfectionism? How can this impact your education? Relationships with others? Success in life?Some common irrational beliefs that contribute to perfectionismEverything in life must be done to your level of perfection, which is often higher than anyone else's.It is unacceptable to make a mistake.If those in authority say this is the way it is supposed to be, then that is the way it is supposed to be.It is what you achieve rather than who you are that is important.I have no value in life unless I am successful There is no sense in trying to do something unless I can do it perfectlyIf I have a failure or experience a set back in my efforts to change then I should give up.Don't ever let anyone know what goal you're working on. That way they won't consider you a failure if you don't reach itRemember this is a on-going process and doesn’t happen overnight. Take it from me a recovering perfectionist. =) Make sure you are aware of the difference between perfectionism versus
To strive for excellence and success is not a bad thing. Here is a way to differentiate when it is healthy and unhealthy.
Identification andacknowlegment is key to working on coping with perfectionism. Have them reflect to see if they can identify with the examples. Here are some common areas where perfectionism can play out.BRAINSTORM how the class may think perfectionism plays out in these settings or break students up into pairs and have them present to class examples of how it plays out in each situation.Performance at work and school – setting strict standards for their own performance or for the performance of their co-workers. Failure to delegate. Ex. A construction worker who is very concerned about having every measure perfect may spend too much time measuring and re-measuring, only to find that jobs are never completed on time. Similarly, supervisors who have very strict standards regarding the time their staff should arrive at work may frequently become angry and frustrated when employees to work a few minutes late. Neatness and Aesthetics – spend too much time cleaning that little time is left for other activities. Have very rigid beliefs about what looks good and may have difficulty allowing someone else to see things differently. Ex. Effect ability to get along with roommate or partners who do not meet these standards. Organization and ordering – need to have things organized or ordered in a particular way. Ex. People may feel a need to have all their clothes folded and stored in a particular order. Spend hours of the day making and revising lists of things that need to be done. Writing – Writing can be difficult for some people who are perfectionistic. Ex. People who fear making mistakes when writing often take a long time to fill out forms, write letters, and complete other written work. Students who are perfectionistic sometimes have difficulty completing their papers on time, taking much more time than needed to get it written. Can also lead to procrastination, so that the paper is not started early enough to get it done on time. Do you struggle with this? Speaking – are often very self-conscious about how they speak and often worry about mispronouncing words or saying things incorrectly. Some have overly rigid standards for others and feel compelled to correct other people when they perceie that a mistake has been made no matter how trivial. Physical appearance – perfectionistic beliefs may also exist for other aspects of one’s appearance. Eating disorders are associated with extremely perfectionistic standards about weight and body image. Ex. Overly concerned with hair loss; try on many different outfits, searching for the one that looked “just right which made her late for work. People can also hold perfectionistic beliefs regarding the appearance of other individuals. Ex. Seinfeld and always finding something “wrong” with women he dated. Health and personal cleanliness – Health can be a focus of perfectionistic behavior. Some people become very rigid about what they do, for fear of compromising their health. Ex. Particular of foods eaten, compulsively exercising, or avoiding computer screens and other devices that give off radiation; visit doctors frequently or have unnecessary medical tests administered.
Pass out the attitude cost-benefit form.List the advantages and disadvantages of that attitude. Ask yourself, “How will it help me if I believe this? What are the benefits of this mind-set? And how will it hurt me? What are the costs of thinking this way?When you complete your lists, balance the advantages against the disadvantages of perfectionism on a 100 point scale at the bottom. For example, if the advantages of perfectionism are higher you might put 60 in the circle on the left and a 40 in the circle on the right.If you decide that the disadvantages of the attitude are greater, then what new attitude would you substitute for it? Can you revise the belief so that you retain the advantages and get rid of the disadvantages? Write your revised belief on the bottom of the form.
Go over slide after movie clipBreak up into groupsIn your group, brainstorm ideas a person could do to raise his or her self-esteem. Have a group reporter share the ideas with the class and write them on the board. Discussion and plug in ones they missed.Accepting myselfKeeping commitments to myself and othersSetting realistic expectationsForgiving myselfTaking risksAppreciating my creativity, my spirituality, my mind, my bodyTaking responsibility for my own decisions and actions (If I agree that self-esteem can be raised, what would happen if I took full-responsibility for the level of my self-esteem?)Expressing my feelingsDisputing my Inner CriticBeing a person of integrityUnderstanding and affirming my valuesAttending to my physical healthDeveloping basic skillsServing humanityTreating myself with loveStep 1:Recognize and acknowledge impacts on your self-esteem…that is the first step.A major influence on self-esteem is the type of childhood you had, the relationships you had with your parents and others and the amount of praise and encouragement you received from them will all have had a big effect. Any type of abusive relationship whether its physical or psychological abuse will invariably have an impact on a person’s self-esteem. Step 2: Don’t be so hard on yourself.Try not to focus on things that have happened or that you might have done wrong in the past. Holding on to regret or guilt for a long period doesn’t achieve anything. Try and let go of these feelings rather than criticizing yourself and being negative about yourself. Step 3: Be positive.Try and focus as much as possible on your achieviements and your talents even if you don’t feel they are particularly significant. If you’re good at something, keep doing it and try to forget about what you perceive are your weaknesses. Also try to stretch yourself by giving yourself new challenges and goals. So that you can feel a sense of achievement when you reach them. It can also be helpful to have a positive role model. Someone’s who qualities you admire. Surround yourself with positive people and try to enjoy a social life with people who make you feel good about yourself. Step 4:Reward yourself. A good way to feel better about yourself to set achievable goals and then reward yourself when you reach them. (similar to positive reinforcment).Treat yourself to things you really enjoy and make you feel good. Like a massage or a nice meal. Acknowledge that you deserve to be good to yourself. Step 5: Your health. Your body and mind are very closely linked so one will affect the other. So when you are sick or run down you are less likely to feel good about yourself. Eat a healthy balanced diet but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t stick to it. Also, try to exercise regularly and take up activities that help you relax (yoga, pilates and meditation are good for this). Remember, high self-esteem doesn’t happen automatically, but by staying positive and nurturing yourself you can end up feeling great about who you are.
Step 1:Recognize and acknowledge impacts on your self-esteem…that is the first step.A major influence on self-esteem is the type of childhood you had, the relationships you had with your parents and others and the amount of praise and encouragement you received from them will all have had a big effect. Any type of abusive relationship whether its physical or psychological abuse will invariably have an impact on a person’s self-esteem. Step 2: Don’t be so hard on yourself.Try not to focus on things that have happened or that you might have done wrong in the past. Holding on to regret or guilt for a long period doesn’t achieve anything. Try and let go of these feelings rather than criticizing yourself and being negative about yourself. Step 3: Be positive.Try and focus as much as possible on your achieviements and your talents even if you don’t feel they are particularly significant. If you’re good at something, keep doing it and try to forget about what you perceive are your weaknesses. Also try to stretch yourself by giving yourself new challenges and goals. So that you can feel a sense of achievement when you reach them. It can also be helpful to have a positive role model. Someone’s who qualities you admire. Surround yourself with positive people and try to enjoy a social life with people who make you feel good about yourself. Step 4:Reward yourself. A good way to feel better about yourself to set achievable goals and then reward yourself when you reach them. (similar to positive reinforcment).Treat yourself to things you really enjoy and make you feel good. Like a massage or a nice meal. Acknowledge that you deserve to be good to yourself. Step 5: Your health. Your body and mind are very closely linked so one will affect the other. So when you are sick or run down you are less likely to feel good about yourself. Eat a healthy balanced diet but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t stick to it. Also, try to exercise regularly and take up activities that help you relax (yoga, pilates and meditation are good for this). 6) Remember, high self-esteem doesn’t happen automatically, but by staying positive and nurturing yourself you can end up feeling great about who you are.
Break students into groups and ask them to role play the following situations. a. a parent makes hurtful statements to a child which would cause low self-esteem b. the appearance of a person with low self-esteem c. the appearance of a person with high self-esteem d. friends encouraging a person who has low self-esteem e. a person with low self-esteem and a person with high self-esteem applying for the same job f. the appearance of a person with high self-esteemWhat are the qualities you see in someone who has high self-esteem. These can be qualities that you feel you have, are working on, are striving for, or have seen in someone else that you look up to.Now pick three of these adjectives/qualities that you feel are the most important for you for someone to have high self-esteem.
Pass out handoutGive history of coat of armsDescribe each section:Upper left section-“Something you are good at” Upper right section-“Something you are trying to improve” Middle left- “Your most prized material possession” Middle right- “Your most prized non-material possession” Lower left - “Your future career” Lower right-“ 3 words which describe you. I directed the students to create their own coat-of-arms. They were to use only symbols in all quadrants except where directed in the lower right to write the 3 descriptive words. I reminded students that the three descriptive words that they chose could represent characteristics they do not yet posses but aspire to.I further instructed that all symbols and words should be positive, and the crests should be colorful. (I provided numerous colored markers.) “In the upper left quadrant, I would draw art supplies because I am good at art and drawing. In the upper right section, I would as stick figure to represent self-care (sleeping, exercising, having fun), etc. ”Ask for some students to share some of the sections on their coat of arms.Have students take an index card.Next slide
On the card he or she would write an affirmation using the 3 words from the shield that they had used to describe themselves, adding an –ing phrase. I provided the following model: I am a _____, ______, and _____ person (man, woman, student).Then I shared my own personal affirmation: “I am a caring, positive, assertive person.”Now we are going to do an affirmation activity.Go around the room and you are going to reintroduce yourself“Hi I’m __________ and I’m _______, ________, _______.”“Yes you are”“I know I am”Take this card and repeat to yourself every day. If do for 21 days will reinforce.
Hope to see you all in the other workshops.
Up Your Self-esteem Spring 2010 Marisa Mariano, MFT
“Beautiful” – Christina Aguilera http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFTzZDMM Silent reflection.
Objectives Be able to identify the concept and significance of factors which contribute to one’s self-esteem Develop an assessment of their personal self-esteem Evaluate and determine factors in their lives which have undermined their positive self-perception.
Agenda 8:30-8:45 Attendance/Intro/community agreements 8:45-9:00 Ice breaker 9:00-9:20 KWL 9:20-9:30 Self-esteem assessment 9:30-10:30 Class 10:30-10:45 Break 10:45-12:30 Class
Agenda (continued) 12:30-1:30 Lunch 1:30-3:00 Class 3:00-3:15 Break 3:15-4:15 Class 4:15-4:30 Closing
Community Agreements Confidentiality Step-up, step back Respect (agree to disagree) One mic
Ice breaker – Bonding Bingo We will be working closely together today and it is important that we begin the process of getting to know each other. Roam around the room and try to find as many classmates as you can who fit the descriptions on the back of this sheet. Each time you find someone, introduce yourself, then write his or her name in the square. Try to remember their faces, too. The rules are: You may use each person’s name no more than once. You may not use your own name. The first student to fill in all of the squares on the sheet wins! HAVE FUN!!!
Let’s get started… “KWL” K – What I know about self-esteem… W – What I want to learn about upping my self-esteem… L – What I learned today…
Your score on the Rosenberg Self-esteem assessment Scores are calculated as follows: For items 1, 2, 4, 6 and 7: Strongly agree = 3 Agree = 2 Disagree = 1 Strongly Disagree = 0 For items 3, 5, 8, 9 and 10 Strongly agree = 0 Agree = 1 Disagree = 2 Strongly Disagree = 3
What does my score mean? **Remember self-esteem is not set and can decrease or increase depending on your current life experience/situation The scale ranges from 0 – 30 Scores between 15 – 25 are within normal range. Scores below 15 suggest low self-esteem
Let’s watch a video clip… “Dead Poets Society” – Peter Weir Robin Williams Ethan Hawke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-meLjxRTg8A&feature=related (5:44-8:01) Synopsis: Set in a well-respected prep school in 1959. Several of the students, have their thoughts on the learning process (and life itself) changed when a new teacher comes to the school. John Keating (Williams) is an unconventional educator who introduces his students to poetry, and his free-thinking attitude and the liberating philosophies of the authors he introduces to his class have a profound effect on his students, especially Todd (Ethan Hawke), who would like to be a writer; Neil (Robert Sean Leonard), who dreams of being an actor, despite the objections of his father; Knox (Josh Charles), a hopeless romantic; Steven (Allelon Ruggiero), an intellectual who learns to use his heart as well as his head. Keating urges his students to seize the day and live their lives boldly.
Reflection questions How much do you think Todd believes in himself? How strong do you think Todd’s self-esteem is (1-10)? How can you tell? How successful do you think Todd will be if he doesn’t increase his self-esteem? Why is strong self-esteem important in college and life?
Some definitions of self-esteem Self-esteem is the ability to value one’s self and to treat one’s self with dignity, love, and respect. – Virginia Satir Self-esteem is the experience of being capable of managing life’s challenges and being worthy of happiness. – National Council for Self-Esteem Self-esteem is the capacity to experience maximal self-love and joy whether or not you are successful at any point in your life. – David Burns Self-esteem is the feeling that we are worthwhile in our personal, social, and work lives. It comes from feeling loved and respected as a child in our family, by friends, and at school. – Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko Self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves. – Nathaniel Brandon
What are some key impacts on one’s self-esteem? Childhood envir0nment, experiences, and relationships Core beliefs Healthy and Unhealthy boundaries Perfectionism
Childhood Relationships with parents and others Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional)
Relationships with parents and others Unconditional positive regard vs. conditional positive regard Acknowledgment and identifying positive and negative messages we carry with us Amount of praise and encouragement = level of self-esteem
Effects of abuse Any type of abuse or trauma has impact on self-esteem Abuse is an invasion of personal boundaries What is abuse and its impact on boundaries?
Two common reactions to coping with abuse Withdrawl (left afraid to feel, connect and make a mistake) Disassociate Shy and introverted Emotionally shut down Defense (build a wall and forced to keep up an act) Angry Controlling Sarcastic or funny Overachiever
Ways to work through abuse/trauma… Be honest about our abuse Forgive those who hurt us Surrender our coping mechanisms Embrace the truth about who we really are Join a safe community
Core beliefs Messages we hear in our childhood in various environments may become core beliefs that we carry with us in our adulthood. What are core beliefs? Core beliefs affect your inner monologue. These core beliefs impact our ability to succeed in life and the relationships we make. These core beliefs can become twisted/distorted thinking or illogical thoughts.
Distorted Thinking Let’s look an example: Meet Tyrone Just lost job Now depressed and anxious Negative thoughts (in bubble) Now its your turn
Victim vs. Creators Victims (Inner critic): Focus on weaknesses Make excuses Complain Compare themselves unfavorably to others Blame See problems as permanent Repeat ineffective behaviors Try Predict defeat and give up Creators (rebuttals): Focus on how to improve Seek solutions Turn complaints into requests Seek help from those more skilled Accept responsibility Treat problems as temporary Do something new Do Think positively and look for a better choice
Boundaries What are boundaries? Emotional and physical space between you and another person. The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. Examples of healthy boundaries…
Unhealthy boundaries Signs of unhealthy boundaries: Over Enmeshment Disassociation Excessive Detachment Victimhood and Martyrdom Chip on the Shoulder Aloofness or shyness Smothering Lack of privacy
Building healthier boundaries Unhealthy “I can never say ‘no’ to others” “It is my duty to hold them together.” It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone. I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again. I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy family or group. Healthy “I have the right to say ‘no’ to others if it’s a violation of my rights” “I have the right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together, its up to each individual to try”. I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. _________________________________ __________________________________
Assertiveness A key to building boundaries is learning to be assertive. Let’s look at the different types of communication people have (refer to handout): Assertive Passive Aggressive Passive aggressive
What is perfectionism? People who are perfectionists: have standards and expectations that are very difficult or impossible to meet. Are associated with having standards that are so high that they actually interfere with performance. Often experience anxiety and depression.
Perfectionism vs. A healthy pursuit of excellence Perfectionism vs. 1. You feel stressed and driven and motivated by the fear of failure. 2.Your accomplishments never seem to satisfy you. 3.You feel you must impress others with you intelligence or accomplishments to get them to like and respect you. 4.If you make a mistake of fail to achieve an important goal, you become self-critical and feel like a failure as a human being. You think you must always be strong and in control of your emotions. Healthy pursuit of excellence 1. You feel creative and motivated by feelings of enthusiasm. 2.Your efforts give you feelings of joy and satisfaction. 3.You do not feel that you have to earn love or friendship by impressing people. You know that people will accept you as you are. 4. You are not afraid to make mistakes. You see failure as an opportunity for growth and learning. You are not afraid to be vulnerable or share your feelings with others.
Areas prone to perfectionism Performance at work and school Neatness and Aesthetics Organization and ordering Writing Speaking Physical appearance Health and personal cleanliness
Perfectionism Exercise Choose one of the following beliefs listed below and write it at the top of the Attitude Cost-Benefit Form. “I must always try to be perfect.” “People will think less of me if I fail or make a mistake.” “I must be outstanding to be worthwhile and loved by others.” List the advantages and disadvantages of that attitude.
Ways to boost self-esteem Let’s revisit Todd from “Dead Poets Society” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-meLjxRTg8A&feature=related How would you rate Todd’s self-esteem now? If you think it is higher now, why? Is it possible for a person’s self-esteem to go up in a matter of only a few minutes?
6 steps to improving your self-esteem 1) Recognize and acknowledge 2) Don’t be so hard on yourself 3) Be positive 4) Reward yourself 5) Take care of your health 6) Be patient
Recap Let’s role play to have a better understanding…Break into groups of 2-3 Each group will be given a prompt. As a group you will act out your prompt, the class will guess what you are trying to portray. Discussion
Art activity Upper left: Something your good at Upper right: Something you are trying to improve Middle left: Your most prized material possession Middle right: You most prized non-material possession Lower left: Your future career Lower right: 3 qualities you aspire to **Remember use only symbols except for the 3 qualities
On an index card write… I am a ___________, ____________, and ____________ (man/woman/student).
I would like to leave you with this… Everybody wears sunscreen… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ&feature=PlayList&p=7E7CAFB3CC0B5324&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3