The Red Branch Media Ultimate Guide to Holiday Selfies

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So I am not sure if you’re aware, but the entire team (and we’re getting kinda big — like big in terms of numbers not weight tyvm –) made this guide just for you.
And it’s funny. Not Aziz Ansari funny, but pretty hilarious nonetheless…and plus, you guys, pretty useful.

It’s free and we’re useless at sending out weekly emails so you don’t have to worry about spam or anything.

There are ten legit tips on how to take the ultimate holiday (or anytime) selfie in this guide. So read on playah, read on…

If you are feeling strongly that this does not relate to B2B marketing or the HR and Recruiting Tech space, click here.

If you just want to talk about your feelings, email us here.

Enjoy the guide. It’s Rad.

Happy Holidays from Red Branch Media.

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The Red Branch Media Ultimate Guide to Holiday Selfies

  1. 1. The holidays are a time of loving togetherness. Of taking a moment to be thankful that you made it through another year, with your sanity (mostly) intact. A time to gather the family around the <insert religious or secular symbol of your choice> and take a great photograph. But gone are the days when your <insert parental figure here> would set the timer on the camera and you’d all wait with frozen smiles on your face until the flash blinded you and your brother made bunny ears behind you. Now we have smart phones. Smart phones, you might know, have created the phenomenon known as the selfie. Which is a real life word now. I will pause for a moment to allow you to weep. Sadly, since many of us did not grow up with a smart phone, we, unlike Justin Bieber, cannot take a decent selfie. And we are headed straight for selfie season! How are you and your roommates going to take pictures of each other to post on Facebook to show everyone (especially that guy that dumped you THREE days before Thanksgiving) how amazing you look!? (she is so not taking a selfie) S E L F I E
  2. 2. Ready? SNAP! Never fear, Red Branch Media is here. We hire only selfie-genic people. And they are going to teach us how to take a season’s worth of selfies that may just make next year’s <insert holiday of choice here> card!
  3. 3. No mirrors please. Okay I know I said the Beebz was a genius but no one should really take a selfie in front of a mirror. For multiple reasons: 1. There is that weird flash thingy that makes everyone look green. 2. Mirrors tend to be in bathrooms and reflect things NO ONE needs to see. 3. It makes you look super vain. Someone told me this when I took too many mirror selfies. If you MUST take a selfie in the mirror, do it with one that is leaned up against the wall. This will make you look approximately 10 lbs thinner, which let’s face it, you’re gonna need post-Thanksgiving dinner. not bad very bad
  4. 4. Don’t Zoom. Kyle mentions that zooming with a smartphone never works. Instead take the picture with no magnification and then zoom digitally by cropping it afterwards. Unless you want to look really blurry and pixelated, which maybe you do?
  5. 5. E L O N G A T E Elongate your neck This works for men and women. It feels weird at first but with good posture, and elongated neck and tilted chin, you too can look like a supermodel. Well, maybe not a super model but at least not a crepe-y necked scary person. Courtney teaches us how to elongate your neck like a pro. 1. Look at the ceiling. (If there is any shmootz up there clean it…lazy) 2. Slowly bring your head back down until you are looking UP at your phone. 3. Angle toward your good side (mine’s the left). 4. Hurry take the picture before you freeze that way!
  6. 6. Pucker your lips. Please NOTE this does not mean ‘make a duck face’. It is NOT our fault if you make holiday duck face pictures and RBM assumes no liability for fugs duckface photos that may appear in your Instagram or Facebook feed. This is more important the older you get as your lips will face away into your fade like Fire Marshall Bill. If you are a guy, you can just accept it and be cool with making more money than the ladies and generally being allowed to age as nature intended and not being forced to inject botulism into your forehead. YAY! Bonus tip! Shaley says that on America’s Top Model, the girls put cotton under their upper lip. I do not recommend this.
  7. 7. THROW THEM SIGNS Meggie mentions that throwing out a peace sign will result in an average of two more likes per picture. We haven’t tested that and don’t know if it’s true but it seems totally legit. There aren’t that many more hand gestures we can think of that would be appropriate in a selfie. Please note: There are three versions of the peace sign. Forward: Jenny from Forrest Gump. This is classic and like a string of pearls, always tres elegante. Backward: This is slightly more hip and should be used when you’ve just spend a small fortune on your manicure or if you have a massive engagement ring to show off. Sideways: You should not do this unless you are in One Direction and even their time is nigh.
  8. 8. Hey selfie addicts! (We know you are, otherwise why would you be reading an entire ebook about selfies? That’s ludicrous!) Anyways, Marissa says to keep it to one per day. better with two HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAH. Okay, here are all the ways around that rule: 1. If you have a pet you can post more than one. Pets are also great cover for the side of your face that has a blemish. Ditto children. 2. If you are growing facial hair. But for the love of ZENU, use a Biore strip first! 3. With friends. I mean, sure everyone says this is super annoying but everyone just does it anyway. Smart people put all similar friend selfies into an album.
  9. 9. Use pets and babies. everyone likes pets and babies. Not everyone likes your selfies. So if you put babies and/or pets into your selfies then maybe people will like them? I don’t know. We just figured this was a good one. Although Jeremy makes it a point to NEVER like selfies with babies or pets because he thinks they are trolling for likes, which they are. It’s like a never ending cycle you guys!! He prefers to wear his fur.
  10. 10. KNOW THYSELF Sarah says it’s better to pretend like you’re making fun of yourself. That way, no one else can make fun of you. You can do this by making a funny face, looking super “over” selfies or by putting on a mask at the salvation army that might give you a face STD. face std
  11. 11. Ease up on the alcohol…selfies. You know how everyone was like “Make a word cloud!” from your blog? Well, Eric says that looking at your home page on Instagram is the same thing, a quick “snapshot” of you and all of your favorite things. But we know that Julie Andrews would look down in stern disapproval at all those selfies of you with Red Solo Cups (the official cups of Red Branch Media). We aren’t suggesting you don’t raise a glass of cheer over the holidays, just hide your dang glass behind your back, ya lush!
  12. 12. Blur the edges of that pumpkin pie shot. Blur the dirty driveway out of the snowball fight pic. Blur the edges of your hot cocoa mug to enhance the steam. But QUIT blurring your face. We all know you’re doing it. It doesn’t make you look younger, it makes you look like a ghost. Step Away from the Blur Selective blur is okay when: 1. You have crazy hair that could pass for normal with a touch of blur. 2. Your friend’s arm fat is showing 3. YOUR arm fat is showing 4. No other times
  13. 13. There you have it folks, the complete guide to taking awesome selfies this holiday season! If you need more help, just like us on Facebook or Follow us on Instagram where we’re happy to give unsolicited advice for free!

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