Leads to lose-lose situationsAvoiding confrontation will NOT solve a problem
“smoothing over conflicts, obliging others, and not making waves” (Abigail & Cahn, 49).Giving up wants and needs to benefit othersIssues are never addressed and the relationship can not move forwardCreates a lose-lose situation for both partiesOne person wins, while the other loses. Eventually, the person who is always accommodating may realize that he or she is unsatisfied and will leave the relationship resulting in a lose-lose situation.
Aggressive communication is, “the ability to force one’s will (i.e., wants, needs, or desires) on another person through verbal or nonverbal acts done in a way that violates socially acceptable standards, carried out with intention, or the perceived intention, of inflicting physical or psychological pain, injury, or suffering” (Abigail & Cahn, 51).Creates a win-lose situationMuch like bullyingUse of verbal aggression (psychological pain) or nonverbal aggression (physical violence) to dominate othersThis is not a good choice for parents because it can confuse a child. The parents are constantly trying to outdo the other and portrays the other in a bad way. This confuses the child as the parents are trying to make him or her pick sides.
“speak up for one’s interests, concerns, or rights in a way that does not interfere with the interests or infringes on the rights of others” (Abigail & Cahn, 53).Middle-of-the-road approach, neither parties completely win or losePositive and negativeEXAMPLE: Mother wants child M-F, but father travels for work on weekends. They decide to split days evenly so both father and mother have time with the child.
“using integrative behaviors and developing mutually satisfying agreements to solve the problem once and for all” (Abigail & Cahn, 56).“cooperation, collective action, and mutual assistance” (Abigail & Cahn, 56).Win-win situationEXAMPLE: A mother has to go to work but has no one to watch her child. It is not the fathers day to take the child, so he wants to go fishing. The father decides to take the child fishing with him so that the mother can go to work.
Talking Cooperation- The language of cooperation is “we-based”. “We both want this” or “we think this” (Abigail & Cahn, 96).Consulting before ActingCommunicating FrequentlyControlling the Process, Not the OutcomeThinking PositivelyEngaging in Fractionation- Fractionation is, “a matter of breaking down the problem into its smallest pieces and then dealing with each piece one at a time” (Abigail & Cahn, 97).
Christina shared some good general techniques that can certainly help…But sometimes when a family is divided there are very strong emotional residues that can make objective communication nearly impossible. There may have been deep betrayals that occurred between the parents Sometimes one of the parents is not ready to let go of the relationshipSo the first step in many cases is to seek professional counseling to help process the emotions...Personal Story: I did not get counseling and it took me over 2 years to be able to treat my ex with basic civility.The goal is to reach an initial starting point where you are able to separate the emotions from the job that needs to be done.And what is that job?
Stop and think are parts of the S-TLC method. Thinking it through involves self talk and imagined interaction2. “We need to talk” about…do not just leave them wondering.3. Recall that assertive conflict is not aggressive competition: You are not trying to WIN. Speak firmly, calmly, and slowly. Use “I” feel if the issue is about how the other’s behavior affects you emotionally Use “We” to keep you both focused on interests not positions4. When listening it may be helpful to take notes on their key points. Keeps you focused on what they are saying.5. Agreement should be specific actions6. Set a time limit to reevaluate and make necessary adjustments to the agreement
Notice that the basic 6 steps were in a numerical list of steps. I can personally attest to the usefulness of just learning the basic steps combined with an awareness of the conflict cycles and com. options presented by Marcia and Christina in many basic interpersonal conflicts. However, the complexities of co parenting after a couple breaks up requires some modifications to the basic 6 steps.Why? Likely to be strong emotional residues:May have been betrayals1 person may not want to let the relationship goMany families have a legal agreement that covers basic custody and visitationBut these do not address emotional residues , changes as children grow older, or daily co parenting issues like cross household discipline.Some key differences between the basic six steps & co parenting steps:Deal with emotional residues through counseling separate emotion from the jobAdopt the new partners in co parenting business like perspectiveImperative to remain focused on common interests No place for “I” feel hereCONFLICT MANAGEMENT NOT CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Kids should not have to deal with parenting issuesExplain changes/problemRemain focused on the specific problem/s at all times RULE: Do not discuss personal feelings no “I” feels allowedUse “We” statements to focus on common interests (kids)Start with a small problem that is easy to find a solution for: My youngest son is now school age which has a different set of needs/ issues than when he was a baby or toddler.He is struggling with learning to read, “We” need a plan to help him.
Final workshop ppt
Communication inFamily Relationships Marcia Dos Santos Christina Ginn Alena Vandrielen
Conflict is a kind of communication situation that has particular characteristics, which, if not handled effectively, can make an interpersonalrelationship problematic and even end a relationship. -Abigail, R. Managing Conflict through Communication, Fourth Edition.
Prelude to conflictResolution phase Process Triggering event View Differentiation Initiation of phase conflict
Conflict is badWe handle it Confrontation Nervous about poorly Avoidance conflicts Conflict gets out of Avoid it as long control & must be confronted as possible
Loser has Unresolved unresolved grievances conflict CompetitiveOne person wins Perception of Escalation conflict Win-lose Competitive orientation messages
Renegotiating Family RelationshipsSource: Emery, R. (2012). Renegotiating family relationships: Divorce, child custody, and mediation (2 ed). NY, New York : Guilford Press.
Co Parenting BusinessBegin Here Make an appointment (No kids present) Explain need for changes or problem Listen to response Negotiate compromise Collaborate creative solutions Monitor progress Get help if needed
Your family and your love must be cultivated likea garden. Time, effort, and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing. -Jim Rohn
Thank you for your time!We would greatly appreciate your feedback.
References• Abigail, R. (2011). Managing conflict through communication (4 ed). Pearson.• Crazy Stupid Love http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndVcsF2ITVA• Emery, R. (2012). Renegotiating family relationships: Divorce, child custody, and mediation (2 ed). NY, New York : Guilford Press.• Family Guy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joxoSfGWGxM& feature=related