Face To Face With Conflict: Techniques for the Survivor

Face-to-Face With Conflict: Techniques for the Survivor! June 5, 2003 Maggie McHugh Parrish [email_address] © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Program Objectives:

Present a perspective on what’s “behind” the kinds of conflict you may encounter at work.

Gain insight into what, exactly, conflict is.

Explore a typical method of conflict resolution used at work…and learn why it often doesn’t work the way you’d like!

Learn about methods used to diffuse anger.

Pick up some tips on how to avoid conflict at work.

Look at an alternative method of conflict resolution, and learn why it might work better.

Try it out a bit!

Who’s your favorite?? Troublemaker, busybody, know-it-all, whiner, sniper, cynic, pessimist, saboteur, ruler, entertainer, gossip, liar, cheater, back-stabber, houdini, martyr, blackmailer, threat-thrower, kiss-up, pompous ass, staller, complainer, bully, bellyacher, intimidator, nit picker, “difficult person” ???? © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

The North American Model of Conflict:

Conflict is bad

Adversarial

Win/Lose

Opponent focus

“ There is nothing that I can do about it.” “ I feel so stupid!” “ I feel guilty for allowing it to happen.” “ I feel inadequate to cope with this situation.” “ I wish it will all disappear when I wake up tomorrow” “ He’s always been this way and as long as I have to deal with him nothing will change.” “ It would feel so good to kick her ***.” Our Self Talk When Dealing with Interpersonal Conflict © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Why do people choose or fall into conflict mode?

They’re just “doing their job”

This method worked for them in the past

They don’t think they’re “difficult” (and can prove it!)

Their orientation is the “win/lose” outcome

They don’t have the skill to resolve differences*

*they may have been to a workshop, but that doesn’t mean they developed or practiced the skills! © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

What’s ‘behind’ interpersonal conflict?

Prejudice/bias

Nastiness/stubbornness

Sensitivity/hurt

Differences in perceptions/values

Differences over facts

Differences over goals/priorities

Differences over methods

Competition for resources

Competition for power

Simple misunderstanding (poor communication)

Unfulfilled expectations

"We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are." --Anaïs Nin

Different Perceptions

Conflict Is a form of competition between perceived or actual incompatible needs, goals, desires, ideas, or resources (collectively called interests , the “desired state” ) © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Competition (...with the Opponent!) The act of seeking, or endeavoring to gain, what another is endeavoring to gain at the same time; common strife for the same objects; strife for superiority ; emulous contest ; rivalry , as for approbation, for a prize, or as where two or more persons are engaged in the same business and each seeking patronage Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc. © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Position - What you decide you want in a particular situation; a specific solution. Interest - What caused you to decide; the specific need in a situation which caused you to take a particular position or select a specific solution. In conflict, most people are happy to tell you their position , but often don’t immediately realize - or communicate - their interests. © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Conflicts are often rooted in trying to balance institutional interests , “ client” interests , and personal interests of the individuals involved. Some complicating factors are: -Distribution of costs and benefits . Those who benefit from resolution may not be the same people who pay the costs - Perceptions of problems . People tend to blame others for causing the problem - Speed of the action . Some will want change to take place more quickly than others © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Your Options:

Do Nothing

Walk Away/Turn the “Other Cheek”

Change Your Attitude

Change Your Behavior

Changing their behavior is NOT an option! © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

The real strength of Difficult People…. They know how to keep you - and often your emotional well-being - off balance!

The keys for you:

Remember that the only one you can change is you; you can become the “skilled” person

You need to ‘rebalance’: find your balance when they give you vertigo!

Become C onfident, remain C alm, be C omfortable

To get there: Act rather than react (choose to respond rather than to react)

Act rather than react (choose to respond rather than to react) Easier Said Than Done! How to Get it Done: Skill building…(we’ll look at each) - Know your limits and boundaries - Learn to diffuse another’s anger - Develop and practice communication skills (and confidence!), aim for interest-based negotiation! © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

I. Know Your Limits and Boundaries:

What actions are you authorized to take? What promises are you authorized to make? Make this information clear to those you work with or to difficult people if they didn’t know.

What actions are you willing/comfortable to take? Communicate this as early as possible, and explain why.

What can you tolerate? Know yourself! And let others know, and why.

What pushes your “difficult person” button? When it’s pushed, know that your skills will probably be ineffective.

II. Diffusing ANGER!!!! Part of the problem fueling anger and violence at the worksite is that many people have attitudes about themselves, about others and about life that predispose them to behave in ways that are irrational and detrimental towards others.They are "culturally incompetent". They are not open to other people’s ways of seeing, doing and understanding things. They lack information about other peoples’ beliefs, values and practices and are unable to "dialogue" about their differences when conflicts arise, making positive cooperation difficult, sometimes impossible. This kind of cultural incompetence is often perceived as disrespect by the other and triggers their anger and its violent consequences. ( Leonard Ingram. Anger Institute of Chicago, 1998) © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

...Diffusing ANGER !!!! Mutual respect can be defined as a state in which two (or more) individuals respect themselves and each other in spite of their differences, faults and imperfections. In an atmosphere of mutual respect, each individual's feelings of self respect is enhanced. This does not mean toleration, resignation, or compromising with one's legitimate expectations. It means respecting the other person as worthwhile in spite of his human shortcomings, cultural differences or technical incompetencey (sic.) The other person may have made it very difficult for us to respect him by making useless "anger mischief." We can disengage from the mischief and still respect the mischief-maker in spite of it. He will not cooperate with us until, and unless we do. ( Leonard Ingram. Anger Institute of Chicago, 1998) © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Diffusing ANGER!!!!

… especially with bullies!

Calm yourself (breathe!)

Create emotional distance…ask yourself “Is there anything valuable in what he/she’s saying?” Listen for information and ignore the rest.

Prepare an effective response. Rehearse in advance and don’t forget it! (Remember, respond rather than react!)

Some examples:

“ Please stop! I don’t appreciate being spoken to like this.”

“ Time out! I want to hear what you’re saying, but I must ask you to slow down a bit.”

“ Hey! Please give me a chance to respond, I want to let you know what I’ve heard.”

“ I need to interrupt to let you know that cursing really distracts me and makes it hard for me to listen to your information.”

Diffusing ANGER!!!! © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Diffusing ANGER!!!!

Remember….

Don’t take it personally (they probably act like that with everyone!)

You can’t change them!

To speak up - carefully. Hold your temper, don’t explode.

Let your emotions out privately.

Mix it up. If certain situations always trigger responses, change the environment. Meet over lunch instead of in the office. Drop by his/her office instead of sending a memo.

Kill them with kindness. This may disarm them!

Show you understand, let them know you heard. Summarize and ask clarifying questions.

… and the single best method of diffusing anger ? APOLOGY … even when you don’t think you’ve done something wrong, you can always find something to apologize for! © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

III. Develop and practice communication skills: Specifically, >Paraphrasing and Feedback >Listening and Speaking >Reading Body Language > Problem Solving Methods >Practice! © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Develop and practice communication skills: Generally, and I bet this is a quick review…. - be positive - be direct, descriptive, and non-judgmental - have access to facts - be aware of body language, maintain eye contact, assertive posture, voice tone - use appropriate timing © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Use Communication to Avoid Conflict at Work 1. Make sure job descriptions, goals, and policies are clear, available, and communicated. 2. Try to understand the “interest” or “need” behind another person’s behavior. 3. Accept that it’s rare for anyone to be “right”. 4. Don’t judge, demand, threaten, or moralize. 5. Don’t accept fighting and bickering as acceptable behavior. 6. Take control when you can. 7. Look for solutions rather than seeking to blame. 8. Don’t let others “push your buttons”. 9. Work to improve your listening/speaking skills. © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

To SURVIVE Conflict Use Communication Skills to…. Create a shift from being opponents, as in YOU Vs. ME to being partners, YOU & ME against the problem(s) or YOU & ME together trying to have our interests met © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Most conflicts are resolved by positional bargaining , the type of negotiation where there is a clear winner, and a clear loser. © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

An alternative is COLLABORATION via problem-solving

much more work

takes more time

requires planning

has a more satisfying outcome

Collaboration…a form of interest-based negotiation … is both a process and an outcome in which shared interest and/or conflict that cannot be addressed by any single individual is addressed by key stakeholders . A key stakeholder is any party directly influenced by the actions others take to solve a complex problem. The collaborative process involves a synthesis of different perspectives to better understand complex problems. A collaborative outcome moves beyond individual vision to a productive resolution that could not be accomplished independently by any single person or organization. Collaboration, Conflict, and Power: Lessons for Case Managers (Deborah B. Gardner, Family and Community Health , Oct. 1999 (findarticles.com) © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Collaboration can be beneficial:

internally, within a work unit

internally, between/among work units

externally, working with other organizations, individuals, and businesses

Organizations can be structured to encourage collaboration, and processes can be developed to encourage collaboration.

Critical Building Blocks of Collaboration

Identification of the key stakeholders

Inviting all stakeholders to work as partners

Clear identification of the issues

Clear identification of the interests

Agreement on which interests can be addressed collaboratively (what will satisfy all key stakeholders?)

Understanding of different perspectives on those issues and interests (Note that understanding  agreement!)

Obstacles to Collaborative Work

Lack of time or other resources

Low levels of commitment or interest

Individualism, orientation to competition

Loss of autonomy, recognition or freedom

Conflicting goals or missions

Blaming others for lack of progress

Overbearing or dominating participants

Reluctant partners

Unquestioned acceptance of opinion as facts

Bad faith/hidden agendas

Steps of Collaboration 1. Create an atmosphere of collaboration. 2. Clarify interests of the key stakeholders. 3. Understand both individual and shared interests. 4. Build “shared power”, working as a team/ partners against a problem. 5. Focus on the future, not the past. 6. Generate options. 7. Identify those options that will work. 8. Make mutually beneficial agreement. © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Quick & Dirty

Collaborative Problem-Solving Model

Goal: to help parties move from their original position to a new position (acceptable to all parties), by identifying interests.

Identify Interests

Write a “How To” problem statement

Identify solutions to the shared problem

Choose the best solution for all parties

*FROM Neil Katz & John Lawyer, 1985

Identify Interests

What do you really need? What does he/she really need? … use “chunking”* © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

“ CHUNKING” Chunk UP . . . to interests . . . by asking questions like: “ What would having that do for you?” “ What is that good for?” “ In what ways is that helpful?” “ How is that useful?” © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Create “How To” statement

“ How to have your interests and my interests and our interests met. © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Identify solutions

What solutions exist to the shared problem? … use “chunking” again!* *FROM Neil Katz & John Lawyer, 1985 © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

“ CHUNKING” Chunk DOWN . . . to new position . . . by asking questions like: “ What is a good way of doing that?” “ How could that need be satisfied?” “ What specifically . . .?” “ What are other ways of (meeting the need)?” © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Choose the best solution for all parties

Use whatever evaluation method works! © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Identify some examples of conflicts that occur in work environments like yours! © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Technology Conflict

Maggie POSITION: University’s Technology Fee should be administered by IT Division. INTERESTS: purchase only standardized equipment; purchase quality equipment; spend money wisely; purchase equipment we can service; purchase what’s really needed; meet Board of Regents guidelines. Student Government President POSITION: Technology Fee should be administered by Student Government INTERESTS: students passed the fee and should determine how it’s spent; fee funds should meet student interests in improving campus technology; spend money wisely; purchase quality equipment. © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

NOW, please develop a problem (“how to”) statement to initiate the “chunking up” process. © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.

Problem Statement: How to involve students in making decisions on technology fee expenditures so that purchases:

meet both student and academic needs

meet university standards for technology equipment

conform with BOR guidelines

"If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it." — Oliver Wendell Holmes "If telling were the same as training, we'd all be so smart we could hardly stand ourselves." --Robert Mager © Maggie McHugh-Parrish, download for personal use, only; not for use in teaching/training.