God heals and the doctor takes the fee--Benjamin Franklin
State the purpose of the discussion
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.--Will Rogers
"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"--- Kelvin Throop
"My wife dresses to kill; She cooks the same way."--Henry Youngman
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."--- Mark Twain
"You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake."--Bob Hope
"If you can't convince them, confuse them.” Harry S. Truman
"The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too."-Anton Chekhov
"The (British) Labor Party's election manifesto is the longest suicide note in history."--Greg Knight
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."—Marie corelli
"An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."-- Agatha Christie
"Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them."-- Dick Van Dyke
"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend."-- Zenna Schaffer
I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.--Bob Hope I am a typed director. If I made Cinderella, the audience would immediately be looking for a body in the coach.--Alfred Hitchcock
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.--Sir Winston Churchill
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.--W. C. Fields
My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.--Rodney Dangerfield
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.--Gilbert K. Chesterton In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.--Rodney Dangerfield The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.--Joan Rivers Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.--H.L.Mencken
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.--Henny Youngman "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"--Henny Youngman A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."--Henny Youngman
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.--Milton Berle My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.--Rossanne Barr A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.--Jack Benny Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella--Mae West
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.--Oscar Wilde
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.--Steven Wright.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.--Woody Allen
The way to become famous fast is to throw a brick at someone who is famous.--Walter Winchell
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.--Mark Twain
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.--YOGI Berra
I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.--George Best
My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.--Hary S.Trueman
You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way.--Will Rogers
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.--Will Rogers
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.--Ambrose Bierce
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.--Erma Bombeck
To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.--George W. Bush Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.--Lilly Tomlin The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning.--Adlai Stevenson He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.--George Bernard Shaw
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.--Napoleon Bonaparte Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.--Will Rogers Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.--Ambrose Bierce "When I gave food to the poor, they called me a saint. When I asked why the poor were hungry, they called me a communist."--D.H.Camara
"A diplomat is a man who remembers a lady's birthday but forgets her age."--Anonymous
"Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed."--Oscar Wilde
"The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character."--Peter Devries
"The road to success is filled with women pushing their husbands along."--Thomas R. Dewar
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."--Bill Cosby
Oscar Wilde's Quotations
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction."
"A true friend stabs you in the front."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much."
"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers."--Daniel J. Boorstin .
"Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours."- M. Berle.
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."- Hubert Humphrey.
"You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try." - Homer J. Simpson.
"A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience."--Merv Stockwood .
"In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything."--Harold Coffin.
"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth."--Patrick Murray.
"If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem."--JP Getty.
"I can resist everything except temptation."--OSCAR WILDE
"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more."--Walter Matthau.
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."--Charles Lamb.
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."--Groucho Marx.
"Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down."--Dick Sharples .
"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."--Edgar Wallace.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."--Ellen DeGeners.
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."--WOODY ALLEN
" A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author."--G. K. Chesterton
"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?"--Carrie Snow
" If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut."-- Albert Einstein
"Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend."-- Agatha Christie
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."--Woody Allen
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."--Patrick Murray
"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."--Ashleigh Brilliant
"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."--George Burns.
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."--Will Rogers
"In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well."-- Len Deighton
"In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards."-- Mark Twain
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."--Albert Einstein