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  • 1. PRAISE FOR A WOMAN’S GUIDE TOSUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING“A useful book for women on the art of negotiating . . . in busi-ness, in personal relationships, in every area of life.” —Donna Lagani, Publishing Director, The Cosmopolitan Group“Whether you are in the boardroom or at home with your kids,this book shows you how to get what you want and do it withstyle.” —Lisa Gersch, President, Strategic Initiatives, NBC Universal“An invaluable source of wisdom for women, young and old, whowant to take their place in the world.”—Christine Baranski, Emmy- and Tony-Award–Winning Actress“This is a must-read book for women everywhere, whether full-timemoms, corporate executives, or students. The advice the authorsshare to help today’s woman succeed in negotiating calls for a sighof relief in a competitive, male-dominated world. Thank you.” —Terrie Williams, Author of The Personal Touch“Negotiation is important to every aspect of our lives, . . . bothprofessional and personal. Lee and Jessica Miller have created asolid reference book that is both helpful and fun to read. I recom-mend it enthusiastically.”—Joan Shapiro Green, President, Financial Women’s Association“The definitive negotiating guide for women. The fact that a fatherand daughter could actually get this book to print speaks volumesabout their individual negotiating skills.”—Joan Verplanck, President, New Jersey Chamber of Commerce
  • 2. OTHER BOOKS BY LEE E. MILLERGet More Money on Your Next Job . . . in Any Economy,Revised and UpdatedUP: Influence, Power and the U Perspective—The Art ofGetting What You Want
  • 3. A Woman’s Guide toSuccessfulNegotiating How to Convince, Collaborate, & Create Your Way to Agreement Second Edition Lee E. Miller Jessica MillerNew York Chicago San Francisco Lisbon London Madrid Mexico City Milan New Delhi San Juan Seoul Singapore Sydney Toronto
  • 4. Copyright © 2011 by Lee E. Miller and Jessica Miller. All rights reserved. Except as permittedunder the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced ordistributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without theprior written permission of the publisher.ISBN: 978-0-07-174651-9MHID: 0-07-174651-XThe material in this eBook also appears in the print version of this title: ISBN: 978-0-07-174650-2,MHID: 0-07-174650-1.All trademarks are trademarks of their respective owners. Rather than put a trademark symbolafter every occurrence of a trademarked name, we use names in an editorial fashion only, and tothe benefit of the trademark owner, with no intention of infringement of the trademark. Wheresuch designations appear in this book, they have been printed with initial caps.McGraw-Hill eBooks are available at special quantity discounts to use as premiums and salespromotions, or for use in corporate training programs. To contact a representative pleasee-mail us at publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to thesubject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that neither the author nor the publisheris engaged in rendering legal, accounting, securities trading, or other professional services. Iflegal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professionalperson should be sought.—From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the AmericanBar Association and a Committee of Publishers and AssociationsTERMS OF USEThis is a copyrighted work and The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. (“McGrawHill”) and itslicensors reserve all rights in and to the work. Use of this work is subject to these terms.Except as permitted under the Copyright Act of 1976 and the right to store and retrieve one copyof the work, you may not decompile, disassemble, reverse engineer, reproduce, modify, createderivative works based upon, transmit, distribute, disseminate, sell, publish or sublicense thework or any part of it without McGraw-Hill’s prior consent. You may use the work for your ownnoncommercial and personal use; any other use of the work is strictly prohibited. Your right touse the work may be terminated if you fail to comply with these terms.THE WORK IS PROVIDED “AS IS.” McGRAW-HILL AND ITS LICENSORS MAKENO GUARANTEES OR WARRANTIES AS TO THE ACCURACY, ADEQUACY ORCOMPLETENESS OF OR RESULTS TO BE OBTAINED FROM USING THE WORK,INCLUDING ANY INFORMATION THAT CAN BE ACCESSED THROUGH THEWORK VIA HYPERLINK OR OTHERWISE, AND EXPRESSLY DISCLAIM ANYWARRANTY, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO IMPLIEDWARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.McGraw-Hill and its licensors do not warrant or guarantee that the functions contained in thework will meet your requirements or that its operation will be uninterrupted or error free. NeitherMcGraw-Hill nor its licensors shall be liable to you or anyone else for any inaccuracy, error or omission,regardless of cause, in the work or for any damages resulting therefrom. McGraw-Hill hasno responsibility for the content of any information accessed through the work. Under nocircumstances shall McGraw-Hill and/or its licensors be liable for any indirect, incidental,special, punitive, consequential or similar damages that result from the use of or inability touse the work, even if any of them has been advised of the possibility of such damages. Thislimitation of liability shall apply to any claim or cause whatsoever whether such claim or causearises in contract, tort or otherwise.
  • 5. We would like to dedicate this book to Samantha, Francia, Joanna,Michelle, Jodi, Rebecca, Lindsey, Brittany, Nicole, Hannah, Taylor, little Samantha, Julia, and Cameron—all the cousins who are young women in our family for whom we hope this book will provide inspiration.
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  • 7. Contents A CK NOW LEDGMEN TS IX I N T RODUCT ION YOU D ON ’ T H AV E TO G I V E U P W HO YOU A R E TO G ET W H AT YOU D ESERV E XIII`CHAPTER 1 The Three Keys to Success: Be Confident, Be Prepared, and Be Willing to Walk Away 1CHAPTER 2 The 10 Most Common Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them 18 CHAPTER 3 Convince: Changing the Way Others See Things 59 CHAPTER 4 Collaborate: Changing to a Problem-Solving Approach, or How to Satisfy Everyone’s Interests 100 CHAPTER 5 Create: If You Don’t Like the Rules, Change the Game—Changing the Way We Negotiate 120 CHAPTER 6 Mars and Venus: Negotiating with Men versus Negotiating with Women 134 vii
  • 8. viii CONTENTS CHAPTER 7 Every Day Can Be Valentine’s Day: Getting What You Want from Your Significant Other 146 CHAPTER 8 Negotiating with Your Family: If You Can Negotiate with a Two-Year-Old, You Can Negotiate with Anyone 165 CHAPTER 9 How to Succeed in Business: Equal Pay for Equal Work—but Not unless You Negotiate for It 174 CHAPTER 10 Buying or Leasing a Car: Be Prepared for Traditional Negotiating Tactics, or Change the Way You Negotiate 197 CHAPTER 11 Buying and Selling Real Estate: A Woman’s Place Is in the Home— Whether You’re Buying or Selling 210 CHAPTER 12 Divorce: Don’t Get Even, but Get Enough 225 CHAPTER 13 Virtual Negotiating for Women: When You Cannot Be There in Person 245 A PPENDIX N EGOT I AT ING S KILLS A ND A T T IT UDES C HECK LIST 257 I NDEX 260
  • 9. AcknowledgmentsWe would like to give special thanks to our editor, NancyHancock, who supported this project from its inception andwhose guidance and insights have been invaluable; Joseph Cicio,former chairman, I. Magnin, and creative merchandising con-sultant; Maria Dorfner, CEO NewsMD Communications; SaraMiller-Moe, president, Sew Inspired Inc.; Rick Hayes, appraiser,commercial real estate, Chaney & Associates; and KathleenHayes Onieal, consultant, Monitor Group. We would also like to thank the following women for sharingtheir wisdom and experience with us: Cathie Black, chairman,Hearst Magazines; Andrea Jung, chair and chief executive offi-cer of Avon Products; Audrey Cramer, vice chair, Cushman &Wakefield; Cari Dominguez, former chair of the Equal Employ-ment Opportunity Commission (EEOC); Lisa Gersch, presidentof strategic initiatives, NBC Universal; Alexis Glick, formeranchor and vice president of business news at the Fox BusinessNetwork; Lisa Bloom, legal analyst for CNN and a principal atthe Bloom Law Firm; Carol Evans, president and CEO, WorkingMother Media; Janice Lieberman, NBC Today Show consumerreporter and author of How to Shop for a Husband: How to Geta Great Buy on a Guy; Lisa Caputo, executive vice president,global marketing and corporate affairs at Citigroup and CEO ofCitigroup’s Women & Co. and former White House press secre-tary to Hillary Clinton; Katie Ford, chief executive officer, FordModeling Agency; Christine Baranski, actress and winner of two ix
  • 10. x ACKNOWLEDGMENTSTony Awards, an Emmy, and two Screen Actors Guild Awards;Carolyn Kepchar, founder of and one-timeregular on the television show The Apprentice; Jennifer Allyn,managing director, PricewaterhouseCoopers; Erin Noonan, chiefoperating officer for Americas Sourcing, Barclays Capital; AllisonMcGowen, former chief operating officer, Los Angeles Sparks ofthe WNBA; Jeanette Chang, publishing director, Hearst Maga-zines International; Donna Lagani, publishing director, Cosmo-politan Group, which publishes Cosmopolitan magazine; ToryJohnson, CEO of Women for Hire and workplace contributor onABC’s Good Morning America; Elaine Conway, director of theNew York State Commission on Women; Jerri DeVard, formerchief marketing officer, Citigroup; Katie Blackburn, executivevice president, NFL Cincinnati Bengals; Jennifer Valoppi, Emmy-Award-winning television journalist and founder of the Womenof Tomorrow Mentor and Scholarship Program; Carole Cooper,owner/agent, N. S. Bienstock, Inc.; Carol Raphael, president andCEO, Visiting Nurse Service of New York; Gail Evans, formerexecutive vice president of CNN, and author of Play Like a Man,Win Like a Woman; Susanna Hoffs, lead singer for the Bangles;Bonnie St. John, Olympic silver medalist and author of GettingAhead at Work Without Leaving Your Family Behind; TamarSimon Hoffs, producer, writer, and director; Sharon Taylor,senior vice president of human resources, Prudential Financial,Inc.; Anna Lloyd, president and executive director of the Com-mittee of 200; Diane Danielson, founder and chief social mediastrategist, Downtown Women’s Club; Terrie Williams, presidentof the Terrie Williams Agency and author of The Personal Touch;Judge Kathleen Roberts, mediator and former U.S. magistrate;Susan Medalie, executive director, Women’s Campaign Fund;Patricia Hambrecht, president, Harry Winston; Carolyn Wall,former publisher of Newsweek; Wendy Gillette, writer, producer,and reporter, CBS News; Carol Biaggi, producer and reporter,
  • 11. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS xiBloomberg Television; Dee Soder, Ph.D., founder and managingpartner, CEO Perspective Group; Pat Mastandrea, president,Cheyenne Group; Janice Reals Ellig, Co-CEO, Chaddick ElligInc. and author of What Every Successful Woman Knows; LeilLowndes, author of How to Make Anyone Fall in Love withYou; G. G. Michelson, former senior vice president of externalaffairs, R. H. Macy & Co., Inc.; Davia Temin, president, Teminand Company; Cathy Harbin, general manager, King & Bearand Slammer & Squire golf courses; Robin Tomchin, president,RT Productions; Nancy Settle, general counsel, L’Oréal Ltd.(United Kingdom); Patricia Farrell, Ph.D., professor and clini-cal psychologist; Terri Santisi, partner, KPMG, Global IndustryLeader Media and Entertainment Group; Randi Kahn, managingdirector, Citigroup; Kitty Van Bortel, owner, Van Bortel Subaru;Kitty D’Alessio, former president, Chanel; Jean Hollands, presi-dent, Growth and Leadership Center and author of Same Game,Different Rules; Bonnie Stone, president and CEO, Women InNeed; Martha Ward, director, Cushman & Wakefield; CristiKolvin, chief creative officer, Fresh ID; Claire Irving, president,Cranston Capital; Ellen Sandles, executive director, Tri-StatePrivate Investors Network; Emily Menlo Marks, executive direc-tor, United Neighborhood Houses of New York; Gina Doynow,North American community relations director, Citigroup; BrendaChristianson, president, Stellar Public Relations; Judy Rosemarin,president, Sense-Able Strategies, Inc.; Maxine Hartley, execu-tive career coach, Ayers Group; Jan Hopkins, former anchor,CNN Street Sweep; Carolyn Klemm, owner/broker, KlemmReal Estate; Lisa Brown, broker, Stribling Associates; MargeryHadar, vice president, William B. May Company; Linda Gedney,broker, Prudential Fox & Roach; Ronna Lichtenberg, president,Clear Peak Communications and author of It’s Not Business, It’sPersonal; Samantha Daniels, founder and president of Saman-tha’s Table; Karen Salmansohn, author of the Prince Harming
  • 12. xii ACKNOWLEDGMENTSSyndrome; Claire Costello, vice president, philanthropic advise-ment, Citigroup Private Bank; Joanne Bobes, manager, Pruden-tial Insurance; Roberta Benjamin, partner, Benjamin & Benson;Vikki Ziegler, partner, Walder, Hayden and Brogan; Nancy ErikaSmith, partner, Smith & Mullin; Janet Brownlee, senior vicepresident, human resources, Donovan Data Systems; Dr. Alli-son Ashley, managing partner, Veracity International; Kay AnnHoogland, former vice president, global diversity and compliancefor Motorola; Marcia Lite, account executive, Automated DataProcessing; Lynn Newsome, partner, Donahue, Hagan, Kleinand Newsome; Jennifer Gibbs, Ph.D., assistant professor of com-munications at Rutgers; and Alice Stuhlmacher, Ph.D., associateprofessor of psychology at DePaul University.
  • 13. Introduction You shall gain what men gain, but by other means. And so the world makes men and women. — O L I V E S CH R EI N ER You Don’t Have to Give Up Who You Are to Get What You DeserveJerri DeVard, former chief marketing officer for Citigroup anda member of the board of directors at Tommy Hilfiger, tells thestory about the day her three-year-old son got his first water gun.He ran around shooting everyone he saw. Later that day, a littlethree-year-old girl friend was dropped off at the house so theycould play together. When she saw the water gun, which by nowhe had grown tired of, lying on the floor, she immediately pickedit up and began to water the flowers with it. This story broughthome once again for us the fact that men and women see theworld very differently, even at a very young age. This is no lesstrue when it comes to how men and women go about trying toget what they want out of life. xiii
  • 14. xiv INTRODUCTION How often have you agreed to something, then looked back andwondered, “What was I thinking? How did that ever happen?”You not only didn’t get what you wanted—you also agreed to dosomething you never intended to do. What about that raise youdeserve but do not have the nerve to ask for, or the assignmentyou want that the boss is thinking about giving to someone else?What about your new car, which you like but think you paid toomuch for? Why is it that you work as hard as your husband butseem to end up doing more than your share around the house?There is an art to getting what you deserve. It is called negotiat-ing. As the successful women we interviewed noted: whether youlike it or not, you have to “deal with it.” If you want to get whatyou deserve, you have no choice but to negotiate. Our goal is toshow women how to negotiate their way. Don’t compromise ongetting what you deserve. Instead, strategize. While compromiseis sometimes necessary, if you learn how to negotiate, you willnot have to compromise and give up the things that are reallyimportant to you. I once asked the students in my negotiating class to tell me howtheir lives would change if they were able to negotiate more effec-tively. One student said, “My car would have cost less. I wouldmake more money. I could get the home I want. And my hus-band would help more around the house.” Another said, “Peoplewouldn’t be able to take advantage of me.” A third said, “It wouldgive me the confidence to get what I want.” Still another replied,“I could change my community for the better.” All these thingsare possible when you master the art of negotiating. Alexis Glick, former anchor and vice president of businessnews at the Fox Business Network, captures the essence of whatnegotiating can do for you when she states: “If you know how tonegotiate, you control your own destiny. You don’t have to relyon others to do it for you.” You can decide what you will agree toand what you are not willing to accept. You will be able to shape
  • 15. INTRODUCTION xvsituations to ensure that your interests are protected. Althoughyou may not always get everything you want, you will get morethan you ever imagined you could. More often than not, you willnot only get what you want but you will also help others accom-plish their objectives at the same time. If you are like most women, you don’t feel completely comfort-able negotiating. It is not something you were taught to do whenyou were growing up. In fact, young girls are often taught, subtlyand not so subtly, to defer or manipulate rather than negotiate,especially in their dealings with men. They are expected to usetheir “feminine wiles” to get what they want because it has his-torically been considered “unladylike” to negotiate with men. Jennifer Allyn, a managing director at PricewaterhouseCoopers,believes that one of the reasons women often have difficulty nego-tiating is that they “take rejection hard.” She observes, “Men havemore practice being rejected because they have to ask women outfor dates. Women just have to say yes or no and therefore don’thave as much experience being rejected.” She advises, “Practicewill enable you to get past that.” As Cathie Black, chairman of Hearst Magazines, which pub-lishes Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, O, The Oprah Magazine,Redbook, Seventeen, and Harper’s Bazaar, notes, “Some womenare uncomfortable with the word negotiating. They consider it atough, hard, male word.” Yet you are negotiating all day, everyday, even though you may not think of it that way. You negotiatewith your husband about who will make breakfast for the kids,about what kind of car to purchase, and about whether to buya new refrigerator or to just fix the old one. You negotiate withyour boyfriend about what movie to see and whether or not tohave a big wedding. You negotiate with your boss about gettinga raise, about the time off you need, or about an assignment youwant. You negotiate with customers and vendors about prices anddelivery schedules. You negotiate with friends about where to go
  • 16. xvi INTRODUCTIONon vacation or where to go for dinner. You negotiate with yourchildren about curfews, allowances, and chores. And you negoti-ate when you buy a car, buy or sell a house, or get a divorce. Suppose you are at a restaurant with a friend, and she asks,“Would you like to share a piece of apple pie for dessert?” Whenyou reply, “I really feel like having chocolate cake,” you are nego-tiating. Whenever two people don’t agree, they negotiate. Theymay not sit around a bargaining table or make proposals andcounterproposals, but the only way two people can reach work-able solutions is by negotiating. As Emily Menlo Marks, executivedirector of United Neighborhood Houses of New York, puts it:“All life is a negotiation. It’s not a question of liking or not likingto negotiate. It’s a matter of doing it.” If you think of children dividing up a loaf of bread as negotiat-ing, then it loses some of its negative connotations. Dividing upthe bread does not mean that one person gets the whole loaf andthe others get only crumbs. Rather, they can divide it up fairly, ina way that fosters their continuing friendship. If one has bread,another has peanut butter, and a third has jelly, the benefits ofnegotiating are obvious. Once you understand that negotiating isreally about obtaining someone else’s help to get what you want,you readily recognize that arguing, screaming, and haggling arerarely effective. Common sense tells you that those tactics willnot work for people with whom you have, or want to establish, arelationship. Those are the very people with whom you have themost important negotiations. They are your bosses, coworkers,husbands, boyfriends, family members, friends, vendors, custom-ers, and prospective customers. Nancy Settle, general counsel for L’Oréal Ltd. (United King-dom), the multinational cosmetic company whose brands includeMaybelline, Lancôme, and Redken, negotiates for a living, andshe is very good at it. Yet when asked if she likes to negotiate, sheresponded, “No, it’s too contentious.” She is not the only woman
  • 17. INTRODUCTION xviiwe interviewed who felt that way. If an accomplished negotiatorfeels like that, we have little doubt you probably share that feel-ing. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Most of the women weinterviewed admitted that they actually enjoy negotiating—nowthat they are comfortable with the process. Men and women view negotiations differently. As Gail Evans,a former executive vice president at CNN and author of Play Likea Man, Win Like a Woman, told us, “Women are different. Wewere brought up differently; we think differently.” To understandhow those differences affect the way women negotiate, you needto recognize that negotiations involve not only outcomes butrelationships as well. All negotiations can be seen as falling somewhere on a con-tinuum in terms of the importance we place on each of thesetwo dimensions: the outcome and the relationship. On one endof the continuum are negotiations in which you care a lot aboutthe outcome and almost nothing about the relationship, such aswhen you negotiate with a used-car salesperson. You are dealingwith a stranger that you don’t trust and will probably never seeagain; all you really care about are the features you want and thelowest possible price. On the other end of the spectrum are nego-tiations with a boss or potential business partners with whomyou will continue to work in the future. In these situations, anyone deal may be much less important than the ongoing workingrelationship. Similarly, most negotiations with family and friendsfall on the relationship end of the continuum. However, alwaysgiving in, even when something is important to you, can createproblems in a relationship. Although the relationship dimension exists to some degree inmost negotiations, women tend to place greater importance onthe relationship in almost every type of negotiation. Men tendto remain focused on outcomes while making an effort to avoiddamaging relationships they care about. For men, relationships
  • 18. xviii INTRODUCTIONare a means to the end. For women, relationships are an end inand of themselves, wholly separate from any tangible benefitsthey can derive from them. The intrinsic value women placeon relationships affects how they view negotiations. As a result,women sometimes allow relationships to get in the way of achiev-ing their desired outcomes. Brenda Christianson, president ofStellar Public Relations summarized these tendencies this way:“Women want to see that you are their friend before they engagein negotiations. Men don’t care about the relationship. It’s allabout the deal.” Women can, however, use their relationship skills to help themnegotiate better. In writing this book, we have developed a way ofthinking about negotiations that works for both men and womenbut is particularly powerful for women. Our approach recognizesthe importance that women place on relationships and treats thatas a strength, not a weakness. Our negotiating model consists of three basic approaches fromwhich you can choose at different times during negotiation: con-vince, collaborate, and create. Convince refers to changing the way the person you are deal-ing with views what you are proposing. It focuses on presentingyour ideas in a way that enhances the perceived value of whatyou are seeking. You accomplish that by convincing others thatit is in their interest to do what you are proposing or that whatyou are suggesting supports values that are important to them.This approach draws from the study of rhetoric (persuasion),body language, and traditional distributive negotiating tactics.In Chapter 3, we provide you with the convince tools, such asactive listening, purposeful questioning, using concessions, andanchoring, that will enable you to persuade someone to do whatyou want. Collaborate refers to both sides’ changing the negotiatingfocus to one of problem solving. The goal is to find ways to satisfy
  • 19. INTRODUCTION xixeveryone’s interests. Collaborate incorporates and expands uponthe win-win negotiating model. You achieve your objectives byworking with the other people involved to come up with a solu-tion that accommodates everyone’s interests. In Chapter 4, youlearn how to use collaborate tools, such as coupling interests,trading, and expanding the pie, to reach mutually satisfactoryagreements. Create refers to changing the way you structure the negotiationsby taking a fresh look at how things have been done in the pastand coming up with more effective ways to achieve your objectives.Create helps you to find ways to negotiate that better fit your needsor your negotiating style. As discussed in Chapter 5, sometimes thebest way to get what you want is to come up with a new way ofresolving the issue—a different negotiating paradigm. In any particular negotiation, you may emphasize one of thesethree as your primary approach. However, you can use all three,in varying degrees, in almost every negotiating situation. Judge Kathy Roberts, a professional mediator and former U.S.magistrate, summarizes our basic philosophy when she states: Women often underestimate the value of having a full repertoire of negotiating skills. A lot of women are more open to the win- win, problem-solving approach and really don’t learn the skills you need where the situation is fundamentally distributive and you are dividing up the pie. Women need to learn how to use all those skills together. They need to be more sophisticated in how they approach negotiating. The best negotiators convince and collaborate simultaneously.Create can also be added to the mix in most negotiations. Youwill learn how to recognize when conditions are right to empha-size a collaborative approach and when your primary approachshould be to convince or create. As you become more skilled, youwill develop a sense for when and how to shift approaches withinthe context of any given negotiation. Jessica states:
  • 20. xx INTRODUCTION I wanted to coauthor this book with my father because my abil- ity to negotiate has helped me in every aspect of my life. When I was growing up, most of my negotiating involved situations you would not ordinarily think of as negotiations—with friends, with teachers, or with my parents and siblings. Today I con- stantly negotiate in business as well as in my personal life. The lessons we want to impart to our readers are the same ones I learned from my dad at a very early age. This book provides me with an opportunity to share those lessons. Jessica’s qualifications to coauthor this book are obvious. Sheis currently a commercial real estate advisor with Cushman &Wakefield, where she is routinely involved in million-dollar nego-tiations. She joined the firm as a director in 2009 after eight yearsas a commercial real estate advisor with Grubb & Ellis Company,where she was the youngest vice president in the Washington,D.C., region. Prior to entering the real estate industry, Jessicawas an investment banking analyst with Deutsche Bank. Jes-sica also teaches negotiating skills to women’s groups where sheprovides training in “How Women Can Get What They Want”out of everything in their life. Not only has she been successfulin traditionally male-dominated industries but she has also wonany number of awards for her leadership. Most importantly, as anexceptional negotiator, she can provide unique insights into whatit takes for a woman to negotiate successfully. You may be asking yourself what qualifies me to write thisbook. I could talk about my training at Harvard Law School,my years practicing law as a partner in one of the preeminentemployment law firms in the country, where I negotiated laborcontracts and employment agreements, my experience as vicepresident of employee and labor relations at Macy’s or as head ofhuman resources at Barneys New York, USA Networks, and TV
  • 21. INTRODUCTION xxiGuide Magazine, my experience teaching courses on influencingand negotiating to both men and women at Columbia Universityand in the MBA program at Seton Hall University or the semi-nars I teach on negotiating for women. I could also point to thebody of interviews we conducted with successful women acrossa wide range of fields, upon which this book is based. However, what truly qualifies me to write this book is that Iam the father of two exceptional daughters. I wanted to equipthem to be successful in their personal and professional lives,and to do that, one of the most important things I taught themwas how to negotiate. That is why I wanted to write this bookwith Jessica. No woman to whom we have spoken about this project hasbeen anything but enthusiastic. We became convinced that therewas a critical need for this book when the 25-year-old femalepublic relations executive assigned to evaluate the idea told oureditor, “If we don’t publish this, I want to know who the pub-lisher is because this is a book I have to read.” Now that the bookis finished, we are just as convinced of the need for it as we werewhen we started.
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  • 23. 1 You can have anything you want—if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose. —A BR A H A M L I NCOL N The Three Keys to Success Be Confident, Be Prepared, and Be Willing to Walk AwayIn writing this book, we interviewed women from all walks oflife—corporate executives, lawyers, investment bankers, pub-lishers, politicians, entrepreneurs, writers, musicians, actresses,agents, journalists, philanthropists, athletes—all very successful.Most have strong collaborative skills, many are extremely persua-sive, and some excel at taking the negotiating situation they findand creating a different one that better suits their needs. Inter-estingly, almost universally they listed the same three qualitiesas being critical to success as a negotiator: confidence, prepara-tion, and a willingness to walk away. These three qualities do 1
  • 24. 2 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGnot fall neatly within one of the convince, collaborate, or createcategories, but rather, they are central to all three approaches.They are attitudes that you bring to negotiating. They form theunderpinnings that enable someone to effectively use each of thethree approaches.BE CONFIDENT: WHY MEN DON’T ASK FOR DIRECTIONSClass is an aura of confidence that is being sure without beingcocky. Class has nothing to do with money. . . . It is self-dis-cipline and self-knowledge. It’s the sure-footedness that comeswith having proved you can meet life. —A NN L ANDERSSusanna Hoffs had just put together the Bangles, which wouldbecome the dominant all-female rock band of the 1980s, garnerfour platinum albums, and see two of their many hit singles,“Walk Like an Egyptian” and “Eternal Flame,” make it to the topof the charts. She was performing with the band at a local club.Miles Copeland, the manager who had engineered the earliersuccess of the Go-Gos, approached them after the show to talkabout representing them. Rather than acting as if she should begrateful for his interest, Susanna says, “I took the position thathe should want to work with us because we were going places.”It helped, of course, that at the time she had no idea who MilesCopeland was, and therefore she didn’t know she should benervous. Because of the confidence with which Susanna and theother Bangles approached those negotiations, they were able towork out a favorable deal to have Miles manage the group. Confidence is the secret weapon in negotiating. Almost everywoman we interviewed pointed to it as the key to their successas a negotiator. To gain agreement from others, you need to per-suade them that what you are proposing is based on an accurateunderstanding of the facts, is fair, and is mutually beneficial.Studies have shown that whether someone believes what you say
  • 25. THE THREE KEYS TO SUCCESS 3depends more on how you say it than on what you actually say.Put another way, to be truly persuasive, whatever you say, youmust say with confidence. You can take several steps to build your confidence. Erin Noo-nan, chief operating officer for Americas Sourcing at BarclaysCapital, recommends reading books and taking classes on nego-tiating, which she “has done plenty of” over the course of hercareer. Understanding the negotiating process will add to yourself-confidence. Often you will instinctively know the right thingto do, and all you need is confirmation. One of the nicest thingsanyone said about my first book, Get More Money on Your NextJob, which dealt with negotiating in the employment context,came from a young woman who told me that reading it gave herthe confidence to ask a prospective employer to pay for her MBA.She told me, “It affirmed that what I was doing was okay.”PracticeYou gain confidence through practice. Put the skills you learnfrom this book to use on a daily basis. Practice the active listen-ing and purposeful questioning skills we discuss in Chapter 3until you master them. Try using them at the dinner table withyour husband and children. When others ask you for something,or you hear them ask someone else for something, try to use thecollaborative skill of determining the underlying interests he orshe is trying to satisfy. Like driving a car, negotiating is a skill that must be learned.After reading the driver’s manual and receiving your learner’spermit, you don’t just get into the car for the first time and knowhow to drive. You attend a driver’s education class, you takedriving lessons, or a parent or friend teaches you. While takinglessons, you also practice driving. You practice turning. Youpractice merging into traffic. You practice parallel parking, andthen you practice parallel parking some more. Similarly, to mas-
  • 26. 4 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGter the art of negotiating, you must not only learn how; you mustalso practice. The more you practice, the more comfortable youwill become. Remember how nervous you were the first time youdrove on a highway? By now, you no longer even give it a secondthought. Like driving, once you have done it enough, negotiatingsimply becomes second nature.Find out about the People on the Other SideAnother way to boost your confidence is to learn as much asyou can about the people with whom you will be negotiating. AsJudge Kathy Roberts, a professional mediator and former U.S.magistrate, put it: It is amazing that people don’t do research about their adversar- ies. This is particularly important for women because if you find out about your opponent, you will be more confident. You will know what to expect. You can anticipate things. If you know someone is known for threatening to walk out at some point or for taunting women, you will not have the same reaction because you know it is coming. You will have thought out how you will respond when it happens. The best way to find out about those with whom you are nego-tiating is to ask people who know them and who have negotiatedwith them before. The more you know about what to expect, themore confident you will be.Confidence Equals SuccessThe more confidence you exude, the better you will negotiate.Conversely, insecurity reduces effectiveness, and a lack of suc-cess will further hurt your confidence. Because women typicallydo not learn to negotiate when they are growing up, as adultsthey are uncomfortable with their ability to do so. This lack ofconfidence frequently translates into poor results. So, they cometo believe they are bad negotiators, when in fact they simply
  • 27. THE THREE KEYS TO SUCCESS 5lack experience. Like any other skill, negotiating can be learned.And you should consider any negotiation successful if you learnsomething from it. Moreover, a negotiation does not necessarilyend if you don’t immediately reach an agreement. Sometimes thevenue just changes. You will generally have other opportunitiesto get what you want by going back and trying again—with thesame party at a later date, with someone else, or in some otherway. The lessons you learn from one negotiation will help you inyour next negotiation and every one thereafter.Act ConfidentUntil you have gained sufficient confidence by mastering negoti-ating skills, simply act as if you know what you are doing: “Fakeit until you make it.” That is what men do. Men are every bit asuncomfortable as women when it comes to doing things that arenew to them. Allison McGowen, formerly the chief operatingofficer for the Los Angeles Sparks of the WNBA, notes the differ-ence is that “men are raised not to show their fear.” While grow-ing up, boys do not share their insecurities with their friends; asJessica notes girls do. Instead, boys learn to put on a show of bra-vado. If someone pushes them, they push back—no matter howbig the pusher or how scared they are. Boys seldom display fearin front of their male friends or, heaven forbid, their girlfriends.In fact, the more nervous men are, the more confident they try toact. Have you ever noticed how many men spend an entire firstdate talking about how terrific they are (even though this oftenresults in its being their last date)? This is not just ego at work.It is nervousness, masked by bravado. That is why men don’t ask for directions. They do not wantto show weakness. They would rather drive around aimlesslyfor hours. When you are lost, not asking for directions is silly.When you are negotiating, acting confident even when you arenot, works. So, regardless of how you actually feel, act as if you
  • 28. 6 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGare in control of the situation. Allison McGowen advises: “Ifyou don’t know what you are doing, act like you do and then gofigure it out.” Exhibit confidence with the words you use, by the way youspeak, and through your demeanor. Positive body language willsignal confidence. Move forward to your audience. Uncross yourarms. Use open-hand, palms-up gestures. Unbutton your jacket.Look the other person in the eye. Demonstrate that you are incontrol. TIPS FOR PROJECTING CONFIDENCE Prepare. Psych yourself up. Take a deep breath, exhale, and relax. Smile. Stand or sit up straight. Don’t fidget. Speak slowly. Be firm. Moderate your tone. Project your voice. Patricia Farrell, Ph.D., professor of clinical psychology atWalden University and author of How to Be Your Own Therapist,advises: “Psych yourself up before you begin.” She calls this “self-talk.” Convince yourself that your position is right and that youdeserve what you are seeking. If you believe it, so will the peoplewith whom you are negotiating. Smile, look people in the eye,speak slowly, don’t fidget, moderate your tone, and project yourvoice. Demonstrate that you are capable of being firm. You can
  • 29. THE THREE KEYS TO SUCCESS 7speak softly as long as you speak with conviction. We are refer-ring to a quiet confidence, not arrogance or bravado. When younegotiate, you don’t have to know every detail. In fact, sometimesadmitting that you do not know, or don’t remember, somethingactually enhances your credibility. However, admitting to notknowing a detail is not the same as failing to display confidencein the positions you are advocating. Carol Raphael, president and CEO of the Visiting Nurses Ser-vice of New York, was advised by a top labor negotiator the firsttime she had to negotiate a labor agreement: “Act decisively andexude confidence, even if you’re quaking inside.” She has taken thatadvice to heart, and not only with regard to union negotiations. Nomatter what she is feeling, she projects confidence: “Sometimes Iwill step out of the room and may feel queasy and uncomfortable,but no one will ever know it because when I walk back in the roomI am unflappable.” Remember the tagline from the old Secretdeodorant commercials, “Never let them see you sweat”? That isgood advice when you negotiate. If you are in doubt about what todo, find an excuse to take a break and seek advice. A corollary to being confident is not to be apologetic about thepositions you are taking, particularly if you are negotiating withmen. Women often start off their statements with phrases suchas “You may have already considered this, but . . .” or “I couldbe wrong, but . . .” Men view such statements as a sign of weak-ness and lack of conviction. Regardless of what you say after that,men will assume that you are willing to back down from yourposition. Instead, show that you want to collaborate. Be mag-nanimous. Say things like, “That’s a good point” or “I’ve thoughtabout what you said and . . .” Such statements do not show a lackof conviction but rather that you are secure enough in your posi-tion to modify it to accommodate their concerns. Ultimately, asone senior executive we interviewed put it: “When you’re dealingwith men, never apologize unless you step on their foot.”
  • 30. 8 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGBE PREPARED, OR BE PREPARED TO FAILI’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the moreI have of it. —THOMAS J EFFERSONNegotiations are won or lost before you ever utter a word to theother party. Proper preparation is critical to achieving a success-ful outcome. Skilled negotiators understand the importance ofpreparation. Most of the women we interviewed even used thesame phrase: “Do your homework.” Lisa Bloom, legal analystfor CNN and a principal at the Bloom Law Firm, attributes hersuccess as a young lawyer to always being better prepared thananyone else. She took the metaphor one step further by adding,“And do the extra credit reading.” Preparation may involve months of research, or as little as afew minutes that you set aside to think about things before youbegin. Many of the negotiations you encounter on a daily basiswill allow almost no time for preparation. Although each situa-tion is different, here are some basic steps you should take beforeevery negotiation.Gather the Necessary InformationWe cannot overemphasize the importance of understanding thefacts, the players, and the “rules of the game.” Before you beginto negotiate, gain a thorough mastery of the facts. Figure outwhich questions you want to ask, both to gain information and tomake a point. Anticipate what questions the other side will ask,and determine how you plan to respond to them. Gather information about the people with whom you’ll bedealing. Are they honest? Can you trust them? Will they try tointimidate you? Do you know anyone in common? What is theirnegotiating style? In addition to talking with people that knowthem, the Internet offers an easy way to gather information.
  • 31. THE THREE KEYS TO SUCCESS 9Don’t limit yourself to using search engines like Google. CarolBiaggi, a producer and reporter for Bloomberg Television, notes,“Social media can be a huge advantage in finding out about thepeople you are negotiating with.” Try to determine how the other side expects the negotiationsto proceed. Who do they expect will make the initial offer; howlong do they think the process should take; and what do theydefine as proper etiquette? In other words, what are the “rules ofthe game”? Once you understand that, you can choose an appro-priate strategy for playing the game—or whether this is even agame you want to play. Once you have researched the basic facts, done your analysis,and figured out what you want, you are ready to begin. You cannever know everything, but you can start and continue gatheringinformation and make adjustments as you go along. Negotiatingis an adaptive process. Today’s world moves at “Internet speed.”We are a society operating in real time, so making decisions ortaking actions based on incomplete information is unavoidable.Prepare as much as you reasonably can, then move forward withconfidence, knowing that you are probably better prepared thanthe person with whom you are dealing, particularly if you arenegotiating with a man.Decide on Your Goals and ObjectivesSuccess in any negotiation requires knowing what you want. AsYogi Berra once said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, anyroad will get you there.” Make a list of the things you would liketo get; then prioritize which are most important. When you aredeveloping your list, think about your underlying interests, notjust what you want. Interests are why we want the things that wewant. For example, you may want to purchase the empty lot nextto your house to ensure that your view of the lake remains unob-structed. Buying the property is what you want, but your reason
  • 32. 10 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGfor wanting to do so is to prevent anything from being built thatwould impair your view. Focusing on your real interests, as wellas your neighbors’, may enable you to reach an agreement thataccomplishes your goal even if they don’t want to sell. By focus-ing on the underlying interests, you will see that there are waysto accomplish your objective other than purchasing the property.For example, you could get your neighbors to agree not to buildanything that would obstruct your view in return for allowingthem to share your driveway from the main road.Determine the Other Person’s InterestsBegin by finding out everything you can about the people withwhom you are negotiating. What do they want? Why do theywant it? What do they really need? What else do they careabout? To do that, you may need to determine who besides thenegotiator has a say in the outcome. When you are selling yourhouse, for example, the real estate broker may be talking to thehusband, but his wife may be calling the shots. If you want toclose the deal, you must find out what she cares about. In thatexample, you could probably find out who is involved in the deci-sion making and what is important to them by asking the realestate broker. Bonnie Stone, president and chief executive officer of WomenIn Need, a nonprofit organization that runs homeless shelters,said it well: Do your homework, and do the other person’s homework. You need to know exactly what his or her needs are. The more you know, the easier it will be to craft a deal. To be successful, you have to know what the other person needs and wants. How do you do that? Determine how he or she thinks andwhat he or she cares about. If the other party is your husband, orsomeone you know well, you will probably have a good sense ofhow the person thinks. If you don’t know the other parties, talk
  • 33. THE THREE KEYS TO SUCCESS 11to people who do. Avoid the “Me perspective,” that is, looking atissues from your viewpoint rather than considering them fromthe other person’s point of view. Talking to people who know the industry and understand theissues can give you insight into how the other side looks at things.Sometimes it helps to have an informal meeting before you actu-ally start negotiating. This also gives you a chance to discuss howthe negotiations will proceed, to figure out what the issues are,or simply to get to know each other a little better. Preliminarymeetings are a perfect opportunity to find out what the other sidewants and needs. They will tell you. All you have to do is ask andthen listen.Determine the Range of Possible AgreementLet’s say you are talking with a prospective home buyer andthe lowest price you would be willing to accept is $240,000.Let’s assume that the most the prospective buyer is willing topay (something you won’t know with certainty) is $250,000.The range of possible settlement lies between $240,000 and$250,000. If you could figure out that $250,000 was the buyer’smaximum, you could hold out until you got $250,000 or anamount close to that. The more accurate you are in determiningthe other side’s range, the better you will be able to negotiate.One way to estimate ranges is by looking at the information avail-able to the other side. In this case, you would probably determinethe market value for this type of home by looking at what similarhomes in the neighborhood have sold for recently. Keep in mind that most negotiations involve more than oneissue. This allows for trade-offs between different issues. Forexample, in the employment context you may be able to negotiatea greater total compensation package if you are willing to accepta lower base salary in return for a larger potential bonus. More-over, people are often willing to give more than they initially had
  • 34. 12 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGintended either because you convince them they should or simplybecause the negotiation has proceeded to the point that they havebecome psychologically invested in ensuring its success.Identify All the Possible OutcomesTry to develop an exhaustive list of options, and avoid makingjudgments until you have completed the list. Only after you havedeveloped a comprehensive list should you try to determine whichoutcomes would be best for you. For example, if you are negotiat-ing with an employer, you might consider a low salary with a highbonus potential, a high salary with a low bonus opportunity, ormore time off in return for a lower total compensation package,whether high salary and low bonus or low salary and high bonus.Simply having an exhaustive list will help you to be creative oncenegotiations begin and you start hearing from the other side.Determine Your BATNAAs part of your preparation, you must also identify your optionsin the event that you cannot reach an agreement. From amongthose, determine your BATNA. This term, coined by RogerFisher and William Ury in their seminal work on negotiatingGetting to Yes, stands for the “best alternative to a negotiatedagreement.” Put simply, it is what happens if you can’t agree. Asthe term “best” implies, you can have only one BATNA. YourBATNA determines the point at which accepting an offer doesn’tmake sense because you have a better option available. Knowingyour BATNA enables you to negotiate better because you knowwhat to expect if you cannot reach agreement. For example, ifyou have offered $200,000 to buy a house and the seller refusesto accept, if your BATNA is a house down the street that you likealmost as much and can purchase for $195,000, you are not likely
  • 35. THE THREE KEYS TO SUCCESS 13to increase your offer. As we will discuss later, your BATNAdetermines the point at which you will walk away.Decide on an ApproachAre you going to try to convince, collaborate, create, or use somecombination of all three to achieve your goals? Look at yourself.Consider how you negotiate—that is, your strengths and weak-nesses. Then consider those of the other party. Ask yourself howthe negotiations would normally proceed. Then decide if youwant to use a create approach to change the negotiating paradigm.Determine who should make the first offer. (See the discussionof “anchoring” in Chapter 3, pages 77 to 84.) Then choose yourstrategy for handling the negotiations. After you do that, developan initial offer consistent with your chosen approach.Prepare AppropriatelyNot every negotiation calls for hours or weeks of preparation.Your daily interactions, such as deciding what movie you andyour friends will attend, do not require much preparation. Butknowing where and when various movies are playing and havingread the reviews will certainly give you a leg up in influencingthe decision. Moreover, sometimes you will encounter situationsfor which you have no time to prepare. Even if you just have afew minutes, though, spend them thinking about what you wantto do. Jot down a few thoughts. List what you want to get out ofthe negotiation. Determine the best possible outcome you couldhope for and your bottom line—the least you would be willingto accept. Figure out what the other side wants to get out of thenegotiations and how you can help satisfy those interests. Comeup with a few talking points as to why the other party shouldwant to do what you are proposing. Then decide on an opening
  • 36. 14 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGoffer, or your response, if the other side has already made or willmake, the first offer. FIVE-MINUTE NEGOTIATING PREP List your goals. Determine your bottom line. Identify the other side’s interests. Outline your opening offer. List three ways your proposal satisfies the other party’s interests. Being well prepared not only gives you an advantage in thenegotiations but also boosts confidence. The better prepared youare, the more confident you will be. That added confidence willenable you to be a better negotiator.BE WILLING TO WALK AWAY: NO DEAL IS BETTER THANA BAD DEALTrue luck consists not in holding the best of the cards at thetable; luckiest is he who knows just when to rise and go home. —J OHN H AYWhen Alexis Glick was approached to join CNBC full time as asenior business correspondent, she was working on the tradingdesk at Morgan Stanley and had been appearing as a guest onSquawk Box. The network wanted her to sign a three-year con-tract, but she wanted the right to leave after a year if she didn’tlike it. That was a real sticking point for the network. If sheturned down the network’s offer, she knew that she could remainon Wall Street and “make three times as much money.” Becauseshe “always had in her mind that she could walk away from thedeal, even though she really wanted it,” she eventually got whatshe was asking for.
  • 37. THE THREE KEYS TO SUCCESS 15 If you must make this deal, if you must have this apartment,or if you simply must go to a certain restaurant, you won’t nego-tiate well. You will pay too much, give too much, or just plainget “walked over.” Women want to be liked, and they care aboutwhat others think of them. They tend to blame themselves whenthey cannot reach agreement. As a result, they find it difficultto walk away. Men, on the other hand, usually blame the otherperson when they can’t reach an agreement, so they have less dif-ficulty walking away from deals not to their liking. Whether youare a man or a woman, though, to be a good negotiator you mustbe willing to walk away. Even if you have a great poker face, theother side will sense your need to complete the deal. Whetheryou are negotiating with an investment banker, your boss, oryour boyfriend, the other person will take advantage of the factthat you are not psychologically prepared to walk away. But youcan change that mindset: even though you may not think so atthe time, there is always another deal, another job, or anotherboyfriend. There will always be other opportunities. Christine Baranski, costar of the television series The GoodWife, is a gifted actress who has won two Tony Awards, anEmmy, and two Screen Actors Guild Awards for her work infilm, theater, and television. Yet she believes that early in hercareer she gave up too much when she negotiated because shelacked confidence and cared too much about what other peoplethought about her. Over time she has come to recognize not onlythe need to make clear from the start what is important to herbut also the power of being willing to walk away. When she wasnegotiating to produce and star in the television series Welcometo New York, having time with her children was a priority andshe wanted the network to accommodate her. To do so, the showhad to be shot on the East Coast and the shooting schedule hadto allow her time with her children, including a two-week Christ-mas break. She didn’t scream or carry on to get what she wanted.She just made it clear, through her agent, that she needed thoseaccommodations or she would not do the show. The most impor-
  • 38. 16 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGtant thing was that she meant it. Because she was willing to giveup the deal, she got what she asked for. You don’t have to be a star to get what you want. You do needto understand the value of what you bring to the table and refuseto accept less. Although it is easier to determine the value of acar you are selling than your own worth, you determine value thesame way. Consider the market and your other options. As dis-cussed in Chapter 2, many women undervalue their own worth,so it’s good practice to review your analysis with someone else.Once you determine your bottom line, though, there’s no greaterpower than being willing to walk away. A good negotiator does everything reasonably possible toarrive at an agreement, starting with proper preparation. If youtry to understand what the other side needs, and you are creativein your approach, you can usually reach an agreement. Becausewomen tend to be more patient and often are willing to work atit longer, they can sometimes find a way to reach an agreementwhen men might not. But if you reach a point when what theother side is insisting on just doesn’t make sense for you, youmust be willing to walk away. Sometimes, not always, that willcause the other side to reconsider its position. As discussed previously, your preparation should includedetermining your BATNA—the best option available to you ifyou do not reach agreement. This is critical not only to being ableto walk away but also to knowing when to do so. Knowing thatyou have an alternative that is at least as good as what you arebeing offered makes it easier to walk away. Whether you are buy-ing a car, seeking a raise, or determining where to go on vacationwith your friends, determining your BATNA will greatly enhanceyour ability to bargain effectively. Leil Lowndes, the author of How to Make Anyone Fall inLove with You, understands the importance of being willing towalk away. She described a situation earlier in her career when
  • 39. THE THREE KEYS TO SUCCESS 17she was booking entertainment for cruise lines. She was tryingto convince the entertainment director for American HawaiianCruise Lines to book musicals. His reaction to her presentationindicated to her that he was either not interested or he was pre-tending not to be to strengthen his bargaining position. Eitherway, she figured she might as well leave. So she said, “Well, Iknow you think this isn’t for you, so I might as well go.” Withthat, she got up from her chair and started to leave. He obviouslyhadn’t expected that reaction and called after her, “Now wait aminute.” So she sat back down, and eventually he agreed to bookSouth Pacific and My Fair Lady for his upcoming cruises. As we have seen, walking away is often not the end of thenegotiation. Although the other party may come back, you needto be prepared in the event that he or she does not. Having agood BATNA will help you do that. However, if you end thenegotiations on a positive note even when you haven’t been ableto reach an agreement, you leave the door open to the possibilityof future deals. Lisa Bloom, for example, was negotiating withWarren Littlefield, who when he was an executive vice presidentof NBC had developed shows like Cheers and The Golden Girls,about hosting a daytime talk show. Unfortunately they couldn’treach an agreement. But they parted on friendly terms, and Lisatold Littlefield that if something came up in the future whichhe thought she would be right for, he should give her a call. Sixmonths later one of the producers involved in those discussionsapproached her to do a show called Power of Attorney. Whether you are negotiating with a car dealer, your husband,or your boss, confidence, preparation, and a willingness to walkaway will help you get what you want. Remember, sometimes thebest result is to agree to disagree. No deal is almost always betterthan a bad deal.
  • 40. 2 An error doesn’t become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. — O R L A N DO A. B AT T ISTA The 10 Most Common Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid ThemSeveral common themes ran through the interviews for this bookregardless of the age, occupation, or experience of the womenbeing interviewed. It was surprising how many of them had madesimilar mistakes at some point during their lives. Based on thoseinterviews and Jessica’s own experiences, as well as my observa-tions working with women, we have identified 10 common mis-takes that women make. Fortunately, once you recognize that youare making them, these mistakes are remarkably easy to avoid. 18
  • 41. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 19BE YOURSELF, BUT BE THE BEST SELF YOU CAN BESeek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feelmost deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the innervoice which says, “This is the real me,” and when you have foundthat attitude, follow it. —W ILLIAM J AMESWomen often think that good negotiators act tough, scream,know all the tricks, and simply outsmart their opponents. Sowhen they are seeking to be successful negotiators, that is whatthey try to become. It usually doesn’t work. Why not? In the firstplace, that type of negotiating doesn’t even work for most men,despite the fact that many of them adopt that style. Women aregenerally more successful when they negotiate if they don’t try to“negotiate like a man.” Most women prefer a “relational negotiat-ing style” and are uncomfortable with a “competitive negotiatingstyle” (see Chapter 6, pages 137–138). To be successful, choosea negotiating style that makes you feel comfortable and reflectswho you are. If you aren’t authentic, people will see right throughit, and you will lose all credibility. This point was driven home to me in one of my negotiatingclasses. One of my students, a genuinely nice guy—about 5 feet, 7inches, tall, a little overweight, balding, and always with a smile—did not do well in the early negotiating exercises, so he decided totry a different approach. When he got to a critical juncture duringthe next exercise, he stood up and started yelling and pounding onthe table. Everyone, including his own teammates, had the samereaction: They all burst into laughter. His behavior just wasn’t“him,” and it certainly wasn’t effective. Jessica advises: Negotiate in a way that works for you. In my business and in my personal life, when I want something, I try to figure out a way to get it while still being fair to all parties involved. I trust my instincts and try to be myself. I try to incorporate my own per-
  • 42. 20 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING sonality into every negotiating situation. I am firm, but I try to be enthusiastic and friendly. For instance, getting angry has never worked well for me, but using my youth to my advantage seems to work with most people I meet for the first time, espe- cially if they are older. People see right through you if you try to be something you’renot. If you’re soft-spoken, you can be a soft-spoken negotiatorand still take tough positions. You can disagree politely butfirmly. You can provide your reasons for seeing things differently.You can offer alternatives. Although you can be flexible in howyou satisfy those interests, you must be able to disagree ratherthan just to give in to something contrary to your interests. Thisis what we call “quiet firm confidence”—which is very powerfulbecause when you do raise your voice, even just a little, peoplewill notice. They will know that you are serious. When I was graduating from law school and interviewing forjobs, the conventional wisdom was that, when they interviewed,women should wear skirts with matching jackets, typicallynavy blue, white blouses, and little floppy bow ties. This outfitresembled the suits men wore but failed to project the powerfulimage of the three-piece suit men favored at the time. The mes-sage being given to women was that they needed to be like men ifthey wanted to succeed. Author and former CNN executive GailEvans described this as “looking like a junior man.” For mostwomen, this attire didn’t produce the desired effect because itwasn’t authentic. In fact, it made them look silly. Today, womenrealize that they don’t have to dress like a man to be successfulin business and have jettisoned the “junior man” uniform in favorof dresses, tailored suits, pants or whatever outfits suit their per-sonality and the occasion. Jessica notes: As a young investment banker, I usually wore gray or black pantsuits when I visited clients and casual pants and blouses to
  • 43. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 21 the office. This wardrobe made the right impression and looked good on me. When you look good, you feel confident. Every industry has different norms for what to wear. To get an idea of how you should dress, watch what the most successful women at your company wear at different times. Then try to emulate them, but choose the types of clothes that look good on you and that you are comfortable wearing. Although ultimatums, threats, screaming, stonewalling, tak-ing extreme positions, and other hardball tactics do not work formost women, that does not mean that women cannot be toughnegotiators. In fact, you can be even tougher than a man and getaway with it, if you do it in the right way. Acting the part of the“tough negotiator” is different from delivering a tough message.You can deliver that message firmly but in a way that you feelcomfortable with, or you can find other ways to have it delivered,such as having someone else deliver it for you. What you cannotdo is be something you’re not. Worse, negotiating like a man canconjure up the negative stereotype that, for lack of a better word,some of the women we interviewed referred to as the “bitch”stereotype. The reality is, women are held to a different standard thanmen. Susan Medalie, executive director of the Women’s Cam-paign Fund, first witnessed this double standard when shewas just starting out in government. She was working for anincredibly talented and able woman who was secretary of theU.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Wheneverthis woman expressed anger at her staff, even though it wasdeserved, some of the men were quick to label her a “bitch”behind her back. On the other hand, when her male predecessorhad engaged in similar behavior, it was excused because he wasconsidered a “go-getter.” This stereotype is doubly pernicious. When a woman comeson too strong, men see it as giving them license to disregard notonly the woman’s position but to disregard her as well. Moreover,
  • 44. 22 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGsome women, to avoid being labeled a “bitch,” are cowed intogiving up too easily on getting what they want when in fact theycould get it if they merely held firm rather than giving in. Theproblem is usually not with the message but how it is delivered. Itis important to ask for what you want, but it is equally importantto ask in the right way. For example, men react negatively whena woman presents them with an ultimatum. Telling them quietlyand firmly, and as often as necessary, that you really need some-thing accomplishes the same objective without causing a negativereaction. As Jan Hopkins, former anchor for CNN’s Street Sweepobserves: You have to be careful about “demands.” You can’t come across as a “bitch.” It turns a lot of people off in a negotiating situation. Sometimes you get more by being charming. Although being loud, sarcastic, intimidating, or even justunnecessarily tough may not actually serve men well, other menwill often overlook, accept, or even forgive their behavior. Not sofor women. Women who engage in this type of behavior quicklyget labeled “bitch,” although rarely to their face, by the men withwhom they are negotiating. They also frequently fi nd themselvesmarginalized or taken out of a negotiation altogether becausemen don’t want to work with them. And because women oftenwork for men, the men they are negotiating with can go directlyto the boss. Not only can this hurt your ability to negotiate effec-tively but it can also damage your career. By using the principlesset forth in this book, you can be firm and not give in, withoutbeing labeled a “bitch.” Jean Hollands, CEO and president of the Growth and Leader-ship Center and the author of Same Game, Different Rules: Howto Get Ahead without Being a Bully Broad, Ice Queen or “Ms.Understood,” works with women who are about to derail theircareers because their companies consider them too aggressive.Some women come to her believing they can get what they wantif they “just bark loud enough, because they have seen it work for
  • 45. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 23men.” But it doesn’t work for them. She advises women to softentheir approach by showing vulnerability, which she calls the“flip side of anger.” This allows them to press the logic of theirposition without risking being perceived as overly aggressive ordifficult. She says that women can be effective if they talk abouttheir feelings because “they are being authentic.” For example,rather than saying, “I deserved to go to the conference, but youstupidly chose Charlie instead,” a woman could say, “I was reallyhurt that you chose Charlie to go to the conference instead of me.I wanted to go. It would have helped me with the project I amworking on for the company.” Showing vulnerability is not the only effective approachWomen who are successful with an aggressive, competitivestyle succeed because it is natural for them. They are naturallycompetitive, they like to win, and they have learned how to do itwith grace and style. Humor can soften the impact of a competi-tive style and allow a woman to employ it effectively. As CarolynWall, former publisher of Newsweek, puts it, “They can do itbecause they do it with charm. Charm is their secret weapon.”Janice Reals Ellig, Co-CEO at the executive search firm of Chad-dick Ellig Inc. and the author of What Every Successful WomanKnows, suggests that one way for a woman to avoid being seenas too aggressive is “not to keep pushing” if you encounter strongresistance. Instead, she suggests “letting it go for a while and thencoming back to it.” Always negotiate in a way that is consistent with who you are.That doesn’t mean that you cannot change to make yourself a bet-ter negotiator or adjust your approach when you are negotiatingwith someone who has a different style. As Allison McGowen,formerly the chief operating officer for the Los Angeles Sparks ofthe WNBA, put it: “Be yourself, but remember you are playing apart.” Learn to recognize your strengths and weaknesses. Watchhow different types of people react to you. Ask people who haveseen you negotiate how they see your strengths and weaknesses.Self-awareness will help you play to your strengths and compen-
  • 46. 24 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGsate for your weaknesses. It will also enable you to recognizewhen you lack the skills, style, or patience needed in a particularsituation so you can bring in someone else to handle all or partof the negotiating.IT DOESN’T HURT TO ASK: ALMOST EVERYTHINGIS NEGOTIABLEYou may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if youdon’t try. —B E VERLY S ILL SDavia Temin, president of Temin and Company. and former headof corporate marketing for General Electric Capital Services,remembers the exact moment she realized, “Almost everythingis negotiable, if you see it that way.” She was raised in a middle-class family in Ohio and was taught as a girl to “follow the rules.”She spent the early part of her life doing just that. When she gotout of business school, she accepted her first job as assistant tothe director of development at the Columbia Business Schoolwithout really negotiating. She saw the offer as a choice, nota negotiation: You either took the job or you did not. It nevercrossed her mind that she could negotiate the offer. While working at Columbia, however, she saw something thatchanged her view of the world. She had always assumed that whenyou applied to business school, you either got accepted or youdidn’t. If you didn’t, you went to another business school or wenton to do something else. That is what most people did. But a fewstudents who were rejected came in to see the dean of admissions.They said something to the effect that, “I know you rejected myapplication, but I really want to go to Columbia Business School.What can I do to change your mind?” To Davia’s amazement, thedean of admissions did not send them away but advised them toenroll in the School of General Studies and take four semestersof advanced calculus and statistics. “And if you get A’s in each ofthose courses,” she would say, “I’ll admit you.” A handful of stu-
  • 47. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 25dents actually took her up on her offer and were admitted. Daviasuddenly realized, “Way more things were negotiable than I hadpreviously thought.” So she decided to learn how to negotiate. The biggest mistake women make is to not negotiate. LikeDavia, many women look at situations in terms of decisionsthey have to make, not opportunities to negotiate. They eitheraccept the offer or turn it down. There are many reasons whythis happens, but often women simply fail to realize that theycan question what is being offered and ask for something else.Successful women understand that almost everything is nego-tiable—although you do not want to negotiate everything. Theyknow how to pick their battles. But when they choose to acceptsomething without negotiating, it is a conscious decision. As Janice Lieberman, NBC’s Today Show consumer reporter,advises, “If you do not ask for what you want, you can’t get it.”She adds, “Ask privately and nicely. Be very clear about what youare asking for. And if you don’t get what you want, ‘push the upbutton’—go to someone higher up who has the power to helpyou.” For example, Lieberman suggests when you are seeking tobook a hotel room, after checking the price being offered on theInternet, call the local number at the hotel and ask to speak withthe manager. He or she “has the authority to make a deal andhas an interest in doing so.” If you can’t get a lower price, ask forfree parking, an upgrade, kids eat free, and /or a free extra night.If the day manager says no, call later and try the night manager.You might get a different result. Tory Johnson, CEO of Women for Hire and workplace con-tributor on ABC’s Good Morning America, states that as a smallbusiness owner, she always researches pricing and asks directlyabout what kind of deal a vendor can offer. Sometimes it’s adiscount to try the product or service. Other times it’s a lowerrate as a sign of appreciation for a long-standing customer. “I’mamazed,” she adds, “at how many people just don’t ask. Typicallyit’s because we assume the price or terms are firm. Other timesit’s because we don’t want to risk rejection. So we agree to what’s
  • 48. 26 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGinitially presented to us without questioning it. But the reality isthere’s never been a time when someone has laughed at me orhung up on me or screamed at me simply because I had the gutsto ask for the best possible deal.” As president of her own public relations company and as aformer senior vice president at Prudential Securities, RonnaLichtenberg, author of It’s Not Business, It’s Personal: The NineRelationship Principles That Power Your Career, has negotiatedmajor deals involving hundreds of thousands of dollars. How-ever, the negotiation she is proudest of is having convinced asalesman at Neiman Marcus to sell her a pair of Manolo Blahnikshoes for $125. While on vacation in San Francisco, she came across a pairof the designer’s shoes in her size on sale at Neiman Marcus.She had the same pair in another color and loved them. Whileshe could easily afford them, she couldn’t justify spending $395,even on sale, for shoes she already had in another color. So shesaid to the salesman, “You know these are a size 7-AA. You arenot going to be able to sell them to anyone else. It is right beforeChristmas, and you are going to mark them down again rightafter New Year’s. So you can either take an imprint of my creditcard now and send them to me after you take that second mark-down, or I can walk out of here and you won’t get a commissionfor selling me a pair of shoes.” He walked away for a momentto think about her offer; then he came back and took her creditcard. Shortly after New Year’s, she received a package in the mailfrom Neiman Marcus—a pair of Manolo Blahniks for $125. Ronna negotiated this perfectly. She understood what moti-vated the salesman and was able to convince him that what shewas proposing was in his interest as well as hers. But that isnot why she told us about this transaction. She is proud of thisnegotiation because normally she would not even have thoughtof attempting it. Women often fail to consider the possibility of negotiating evenin circumstances when men routinely do. For instance, women,
  • 49. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 27particularly young women, typically don’t negotiate when theyaccept a new job. They see the offer as a choice that they caneither accept or decline. Men, on the other hand, recognize thesesituations as opportunities to negotiate a significant increase intheir compensation. (See Chapter 9.) Although one major advantage women bring to the bargainingtable is their ability to develop relationships, this advantage toooften becomes a disadvantage when women fail to negotiate outof fear that doing so will damage their relationship with the otherperson. Never underestimate the power of asking. You may notalways get what you ask for, but if you ask in the right way, youwill rarely lose by trying. You will also be surprised at how oftenyou get all or at least some of what you ask for. Jessica notes: At times, when I am negotiating, I remember a quote from hockey great Wayne Gretzky that my dad put up on my door when I was 12: “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.” Throughout my childhood, my father constantly told me that I could do anything I wanted and be whatever I wanted to be if I had the courage to go after it. By the time I reached high school, that lesson had obviously taken hold. Without even thinking about it, I instinctively asked for what I wanted. For example, in eleventh grade, I got a history teacher to change my grade from a B to an A simply by asking. I had been more interested in my social life and in playing soccer than in studying that quarter, but I was not happy with the B. So I went to talk with the teacher who told me that I had just missed getting an A. Instead of accepting that answer, I asked him to give me the A and promised to work extra hard the next quarter. To my surprise, he said okay. Sometimes the very thing you are afraid to ask for is some-thing the people you are dealing with would welcome. LisaCaputo, former press secretary to First Lady Hillary Clinton andnow executive vice president of Global Marketing and CorporateAffairs at Citigroup and CEO of Citi’s Women & Co. business,
  • 50. 28 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGlearned the importance of asking for what you want when she gotto the White House. Earlier in her career, she had often allowedothers to tell her what was going to happen. At the White House,she was put in a position where she had to negotiate with thepress on a daily basis. “The more I negotiated, the more confi-dence I had to ask. The more times I was met with a favorableresponse, the more I realized I should not be afraid to ask. Soonasking became a basic tenet of how I negotiated.” Shortly after she arrived at the White House, Lisa was able toput that insight to good use. She had barely had time to set up heroffice when television journalists began asking to interview theFirst Lady. Ultimately, the White House decided to give the firsttelevision interview to Katie Couric, who was then the co-hostof the NBC Today Show, which aired in the morning. But Lisawanted the first interview to be in evening prime time so it wouldreach the largest possible audience. She also wanted it to be anhour-long special. So she asked. NBC and Katie Couric were notonly open to the idea, they loved it. So the interview aired as anhour-long NBC news special in prime time, and it proved to bea great ratings success. Getting over the fear of asking is not enough. You also needto ask for more than you expect to get. As Carolyn Kepchar,founder of WorkHerWay.Com and one-time regular on the televi-sion show The Apprentice learned when negotiating with DonaldTrump as chief operating officer for Trump National Golf Club:“To be successful when you negotiate, you need to aim high.”That does not mean asking for something totally unrealistic. Anunrealistic proposal will damage your credibility and may evenresult in the other party’s terminating the discussion before itbegins in earnest. In Chapter 3, you will learn how to anchoryour offer—that is, how to determine the range of reasonablepossible outcomes to which the parties might agree and how tomake your initial offer in a way that not only favors your positionbut is also accepted by the other side as an appropriate startingpoint for the negotiations.
  • 51. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 29 In general, even if you don’t get everything you ask for, themore you ask for, the more you’ll be given. If we know that, thenwhy do most women ask for too little? In psychologist PatriciaFarrell’s view: Women sometimes don’t realize that you don’t start where you want to end. They really believe that the other person will do the right thing by them. Primarily this is what happens in families. It may also have to do with a lack of confidence, or it may result from their greater sense of fairness. They may be afraid of look- ing foolish. Some women feel that asking for more, at least if it is for themselves, would be “greedy.” Whatever your reason for not asking, you can’t expect to getwhat you don’t ask for, and if you ask for too little, you can besure that’s what you will get. The negotiating process requires compromise. In most nego-tiations, there is an expectation that where you start is not whereyou will finish. Therefore, most people would feel foolish if theysimply gave you everything you asked for, no matter how reason-able your proposal. To feel good about the final agreement, mostindividuals require some give-and-take. If your initial offer iswhere you would actually like to end up, then you’ll either fail toreach an agreement or you’ll have to take less in the end. Other-wise, the other parties will not feel that they have been includedin the process. This does not mean that you should treat negoti-ating as a game in which you manipulate the other side. Rather,when you are doing your preparation, determine the best resultyou could possibly hope for; what you realistically think you canaccomplish; and your bottom line—the least you are willing toaccept. Then, using the tools in this book, seek the best possibleresult. Even if you don’t actually get everything you want, youwill end up better off than if you had set your sights lower. If carried out properly, there is something therapeutic aboutthe negotiating process. Even though both sides don’t get every-thing they want or, paradoxically perhaps, because they don’t geteverything they want, everyone walks away satisfied that they did
  • 52. 30 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGthe best they could. When you ask for more than you expect andaccept that negotiating requires give-and-take, you allow roomfor the process to work. This, in turn, increases the likelihoodthat you will not only get the things most important to you butalso that both sides will feel that the end result is fair.NEGOTIATE FOR YOURSELF AS IF YOU WERENEGOTIATING FOR SOMEONE ELSEEveryone is valued in this world as he shows by his conduct thathe wishes to be valued. —J E AN D E L A B RUYÈREWhen Carol Raphael is negotiating on behalf of her organiza-tion, the Visiting Nurse Service of New York, she always triesto get the best deal she can. On the other hand, she admitted inher interview for this book that she might have gotten a bettercompensation package for herself the last time her contract wasrenewed. Instead, she asked the board of directors for what shethought was fair, and they agreed to give it to her. Like many of the women we interviewed, Carol has a difficulttime negotiating for herself. But she doesn’t want to feel that sheis being taken advantage of, so she would have no problem seek-ing a raise if she felt she was being paid significantly less than herpeers at similar organizations. While we do not advocate pushingto get every last penny you could when you negotiate, there isnothing wrong with negotiating for yourself. As psychologist Patricia Farrell, Ph.D., notes, “Women find itmuch less difficult to negotiate on behalf of others. This placesthem in the role of caregiver, a role they feel very comfortablein.” When it comes to negotiating for themselves, according toDr. Farrell, women often feel “that they don’t deserve what theyare asking for.” Moreover, because women tend to view things inthe context of relationships, they take things personally. Askingfor things for themselves becomes more difficult because if theyare turned down, they see it as a personal rejection. Even women
  • 53. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 31who are excellent negotiators may find it difficult to negotiatewell on their own behalf. Sometimes just recognizing that you have a tendency to putothers’ needs ahead of your own is enough to change your behav-ior. Randi Kahn, a managing director at Citigroup who negoti-ates multi-million-dollar real estate deals for a living, recognizesthat she has a hard time when it comes to negotiating for herself.Therefore, she compensates for it. She simply forces herself topush just as hard or harder when she is negotiating for herself. Asa result, she has been able to succeed in the very male dominatedworld of investment banking. Dr. Farrell suggests a way for women to overcome their reluc-tance to ask for things on their own behalf: “Take yourself outsideyourself. See yourself as negotiating for someone else. Ask your-self what you would do if you were advocating for someone else.”Before you begin, give yourself a little pep talk. Sit down and makea list of the reasons why you deserve what you are asking for. If, however, after trying to negotiate for yourself using thetechniques in this book, you still cannot do so with the sameforcefulness you would use on behalf of others, recognize thatand take a different approach. For example, bring in someoneelse to encourage and reassure you that what you are asking foris appropriate. Bonnie Stone, CEO of Women In Need, is an excellent nego-tiator when she is working on behalf of others. She recognizes,however, that she is not good at getting what she wants for her-self. Sometimes she “has” to have something. She understandsthat this violates one of the key rules for successful negotiating—“Be willing to walk away”—so when she has to negotiate forherself, she brings in other people to help her. For example, whenshe was looking to buy her first apartment in New York City, shefell in love with one particular apartment. She “had” to have it.Knowing herself, she asked her brother, who is an attorney, tohelp her negotiate the purchase. She wanted to offer the askingprice rather than risk losing the apartment. Her brother advised
  • 54. 32 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGher not to offer that much. Although her fear of losing the apart-ment was almost intolerable, she listened to him and offered alower price. The next day the sellers called to accept her offer. Many young girls are taught that if people care about you,they will give you what you want without your asking. That maybe true for children, but as an adult, if you don’t ask for it, yougenerally don’t get it. Sharon Taylor, senior vice president ofhuman resources at Prudential Financial, Inc., put it this way:“Hard work is nice, but you will never get anywhere in life unlessyou ask for what you want and are willing to fight for it.” Mostpeople, even those who care about you, cannot read your mind.Let them know what you want. Our guess is that what you wantis not only reasonable but also probably much less than you couldactually get. Never be embarrassed to ask for what you want. Beas forceful an advocate for yourself as you would be if you werenegotiating for someone else.MASTER THE DETAILS, BUT BE FLEXIBLE AND NEVERLOSE SIGHT OF YOUR ULTIMATE GOALWhen one door closes, another opens. But we often look soregretfully upon the closed door that we don’t see the one thathas opened for us. —A LE X ANDER G R AHAM B ELLMost women are detail oriented. Erin Noonan, chief operatingofficer for Americas Sourcing at Barclays Capital, considers thisone of the “major strengths women bring to the table,” and it isoften one reason why successful women have been able to getto where they are. They make sure that they are better preparedthan the people with whom they are negotiating. Author andformer CNN executive Gail Evans attributes this to the “gameof knowledge” girls learn while growing up. In school, they arerewarded “with good grades, parental approval, [and] teacherattention for being a good student, for doing their homework,[and] for being prepared when called upon. They carry this train-
  • 55. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 33ing into adulthood.” Dr. Patricia Farrell believes that women tendto overprepare because “they don’t want to look foolish. Theirsometimes-fragile sense of self is on the line. They don’t feelcomfortable working without a script.” Being better prepared than the people you are dealing withcan give you a huge advantage. Preparation often enables womento get the respect they need to negotiate on a level playing fieldwith men. When Erin Noonan was vice president of strategicsourcing at Prudential Financial and was involved in negotiat-ing to buy and sell aircraft, initially she had some difficulty withthe men she was negotiating with because they were not used todealing with women. She was able to establish her credibility by“reading everything and knowing everything about the contractsshe was negotiating and the underlying facts.” Men are much lessforgiving of women who make mistakes with the facts than theyare with men under similar circumstances. Moreover, the betterprepared you are, the more convincing you will be. On the other hand, women sometimes get so caught up in thedetails that they lose sight of what they are trying to achieve.When you are trying to persuade people to your point of view, itis important to focus on the details that are important to them.Edit your points. Just because you know something doesn’t meaneveryone needs to know it. If you share too much information,you lose your audience. Moreover, there is no need to argueover an issue just because you are more knowledgeable thansomeone else, especially if it doesn’t move things along in theright direction. Even if the other side is incorrect, you need dealwith the issue only if it makes a difference. Otherwise, you runthe risk of alienating that person for no reason. Sharon Taylor,senior vice president of human resources at Prudential Financialadvises: “Have all your facts, but focus on the three or four mostimportant things.” And always keep your ultimate goal in mind:to reach an agreement that satisfies your needs. Avoid gettingso mired in the details that you risk losing the deal because youcan’t step back and see the big picture.
  • 56. 34 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING Terri Santisi, the global head of KPMG’s Media and Entertain-ment Group, was brought into a negotiation that had stalled tosee if she could break the stalemate. She was initially presentedwith several dozen issues that the other side wanted resolved in acertain way and her side had previously been unwilling to agreeto. Terri approached the negotiations methodically and asked theother side to explain each issue. Over the next several months,she worked with the other side on each one, paying close atten-tion to the details and trying to be as responsive as possible. Bymastering the details, she was able to resolve some of the issuesby showing them that they didn’t have the facts right or didn’thave all the facts. She resolved other issues by being creative orby compromising. As important as her mastery of the detailswas, it was even more important that she never lost sight of herultimate objective: not only to negotiate this deal but to negotiatefuture deals with these individuals as well. From the beginning, Terri knew that each side had only oneor two points that were actual deal breakers—issues they had tohave resolved in their favor or they would not agree to a deal. Bykeeping the deal breakers in mind, she was able to resolve theother points easily. She achieved her overall bottom-line goalsand her objectives on the deal-breaker issues by making compro-mises, by granting concessions in one area in return for gettingconcessions in another, and by coming up with creative solutionsthat satisfied everyone’s needs. In that way, she was able to craftan agreement that satisfied both sides rather than trying to dem-onstrate that her position on each point was superior to the onebeing put forth by her adversary. This is the most effective wayto put your mastery of the details to use. Sometimes, when we negotiate, we get so wrapped up inwinning various negotiating points that we lose sight of the bigpicture. Before she came to New York, television anchor Jan Hop-kins was working at a television station in Cincinnati. When shegot divorced and moved to New York, she ended up owning thecondominium in Cincinnati. She wasn’t sure if things would work
  • 57. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 35out in New York, so she rented it out. When she decided to stayin New York, she hired a lawyer in Cincinnati to negotiate the saleof the condominium to her tenants, who were interested in pur-chasing it. The lawyer got a good offer from them, but he told herthat he knew the market and that he thought he could get anotherthousand dollars from them. So she held out—and the tenantsbought another condominium. Although her lawyer was extremelyknowledgeable about how to value condominiums in that market,Jan had allowed herself to lose sight of her goal: to sell her place inCincinnati so she could buy a place in New York. Instead, it tookher two more years to find a buyer, and even then she ended upselling it for less. “All over a thousand dollars,” she says. As with any generalization though, there are exceptions. Notall women are adept at mastering details. That is why you mustknow yourself, so you can compensate for things you don’t dowell or don’t want to do. Carol Evans, publisher of WorkingMother Media, describes herself as a “big-picture person.” Shereadily admits that she dislikes spending her time dealing withthe details of a deal. Her strength lies in focusing on the end goal,so she tries to keep deals simple, and if a deal gets complex shebrings in someone else to handle the details.AVOID THE EMPATHY TRAP: BE EMPATHETIC, BUT NOTTOO EMPATHETICIf I am not for myself, who will be? But if I am only for myself,what am I? —E THIC S OF THE F ATHERSWomen tend to be better listeners than men and to more readilygrasp the other side’s position. As mentioned, they treat negotia-tions as a prelude to a continuing relationship. For that to occur,the other party has to walk away from the negotiations feelinggood about what they have agreed to. Understanding how theother person perceives the situation is an important first step.Men tend to be more task oriented. They care about the other
  • 58. 36 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGperson’s feelings only to the extent that those feelings are relevantto the successful conclusion of the negotiation at hand. Mennegotiate, reach agreement, and move on to their next task. Women seldom draw such strict boundaries between nego-tiations and relationships beyond the negotiations. For women,developing an enduring relationship can be as important as theoutcome of the negotiations itself. Taking this long-term view canlead to great success as a negotiator. KPMG’s Terri Santisi haswhat she calls her “Golden Rule of Negotiating”: When you sit down at the table to negotiate, remember you are there because you want to have a continuing relationship with them. Once you walk away from the table, you are going to be in that relationship. Always keep that objective firmly in mind.This view leads women to work to empower all the participantsand to satisfy the needs of everyone. As a result, women alternatebetween listening and contributing. Men tend to look at the other person’s position from what werefer to as the “Me Perspective.” They consider how they wouldreact if they were in a similar situation. Women are better able tolook at things from the other person’s perspective, to understandhow he or she actually sees things. This ability to empathize is anadvantage women bring to the table. Moreover, men instinctivelyfeel that women are more understanding because they are usedto seeing women in nurturing roles as mothers and wives. As aresult, they are more willing to trust and open up to women. Ifyou can get men to open up, they will provide you with all theinformation you need to understand their point of view, what werefer to as their “U Perspective,” which in turn will cause themto perceive you as understanding their needs. Being able to showthat you understand and thereby acknowledge the validity ofsomeone else’s position is an extremely effective way of gettinghim or her to understand and accommodate your position. However, women sometimes fall into the trap of being tooempathetic. According to Dr. Farrell:
  • 59. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 37 Women are able to see things from another person’s point of view. They put themselves in the other person’s shoes. They have been raised to do that. That is how they get hurt. They know how they would feel and can feel the hurt they cause. They instinctively want to fix it, but once others realize that, they can use it to get what they want.Men are not above using empathetic feelings to gain an advan-tage. A male business student in one of my classes described hisexperience negotiating against his female classmates as follows: In several cases, if the other party was a female, I was able to actually gain an advantage by appealing to her emotional side. I used sincerity in a charming manner to try building a greater degree of trust. After this trust was established, it was much easier to use other tactics, such as bluffing.Some people will take advantage of your empathy if you let them. Understanding the other side’s position is not the same thingas allowing yourself to be convinced that their position shouldprevail, especially if that would work to your detriment. Empathyis about understanding their needs, not necessarily about givingthem what they want, especially at the expense of getting what youwant. Recognizing others’ interests will enable you to fashion aresult that meets everyone’s needs. But don’t let empathy keep youfrom protecting your own interests. Lynne Newsome, a New Jerseydivorce lawyer, frequently finds her female clients arguing with herthat their soon-to-be ex-husbands “can’t afford this” or “shouldn’thave to do that.” Realistically understanding a divorcing spouse’sconcerns can facilitate a fair settlement, but focusing on his needsto your detriment will not. We call this the “empathy trap”: notonly do you understand what is important to the person you arenegotiating with but you actually let him or her convince you thathis or her needs are more important than yours. Author and former CNN executive Gail Evans recalls thatwhen she was in her twenties she fell into an empathy trap thatcost her a prestigious fellowship. She had been working at theWhite House when she decided to apply for a fellowship at an
  • 60. 38 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGIvy League university and was invited for an interview. When shearrived at the appointed time, she was greeted by the proverbialthree “old white male professors” who invited her to sit downand proceeded to interrogate her. She felt she was doing prettywell until one professor said, “You know that it costs us $10,000a year to fund a fellow. What we expect in return is that youwill use what you learn to give back to the community throughyears of public service. How do we know that you won’t acceptthis fellowship, work for a year or two, and then just get marriedand have children?” Gail went home and thought about what hehad said. In those days, $10,000 was a lot of money, and Gaildid intend to get married and have children eventually. She alsothought that she might want to stay home and raise them. So shewithdrew her application. As ridiculous as this example seems today, women do the samething in other contexts all the time when they let their notions offairness and empathy stand in the way of achieving their objec-tives. The things you want are no less important than what yourhusband, your children, your boss, or your clients want. Some-times you can collaborate to find a solution that satisfies every-one’s needs. At other times, you can convince them that what youwant is fair and appropriate and in their interest as well. You canalso create different ways to approach the problem if you think itwill help you achieve your goals. Use your empathy to understandthe other person’s needs, but never lose sight of your own.BE WILLING TO SAY NO, BUT DON’T BE TOO WILLING TOACCEPT NO FOR AN ANSWERThere’s a point where you just have to say no, whether it’s withkids or in business. —J ACK W ELCHSusanna Hoffs, of the Bangles, blames the group’s breakup in thelate 1980s on their inability to say no to going out on tour. She didnot want to go on tour. Neither did the other members of the band.
  • 61. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 39They were tired. What they really needed was a rest. But theirmanager, their record company, their fans, and just about every-one else wanted them to go on tour. So they did. During the tour,tensions mounted. The situation deteriorated so badly that theycanceled the tour abruptly and the band split up. Susanna alwaysblamed the stress of that final tour for the breakup, so when theydecided to put the band back together 10 years later, the one thingthey all agreed on was that if any one of them felt uncomfortableabout doing something, they would all say no to it. “No” is the most powerful word in negotiating, but many womenhave difficulty saying it. They want to keep everyone happy. Theywant to avoid conflict. They want to be liked. They want to please.Psychologist Patricia Farrell attributes women’s reluctance to sayno to the importance they place on relationships: Women are eager to maintain good relationships. They have a difficult time believing that if there is a negative outcome, it won’t have a negative effect on the relationship. A woman would rather walk away with less than she could have gotten if she believes it will maintain the relationship. To be a good negotiator, you must be able to say no. You can sayit without damaging your relationship with the other party. It alldepends on how you say it. When you say no, it must be firm, and itmust be credible. Choosing the right words will make both easier. There are a lot of ways to say no. For example, you might say,“Tom, I really want to work with you on this, but I can’t agreeto what you are suggesting. How about . . .” or “Tom, I don’tthink that will work because. . . . Have you considered . . . ?”Of course, it helps if you can provide sound reasons why you aresaying no. Sometimes, though, you won’t be able to articulatea good reason. You simply do not want to agree to whatever isbeing asked of you, be it going out on a date, volunteering to runthe PTA dance, or discounting the price of your services. In thoseinstances, just say no—nicely, politely, and firmly. When you say no, particularly when you are dealing with men,tone is important. Women are often most effective when they
  • 62. 40 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGcan convey the message with quiet conviction. You do not haveto say no loudly to say it effectively. You do not want to appearstrident, but rather firm and unwavering. Although your bottomline must remain firm, you also want to remain flexible in howyou get there. This lesson was not lost on Jessica when she wasnegotiating her first real estate deal: Being able to say no was critical in my negotiating a good price for the first house I ever purchased. I was looking to buy a house in Baltimore. On the very first day it came on the market, I came across a three-story, nineteenth-century townhouse. I fell in love with it. I knew, though, that if I had to, I could walk away from the deal. The sellers had the house listed at $220,000. The mar- ket for houses in downtown Baltimore had been hot, with buy- ers’ frequently getting into bidding wars and ending up paying more than the sellers’ initial asking price. Luckily, the market had begun to cool. I felt that the asking price was too high, so I offered $195,000. I knew that was low, but not out of the ball- park. I expected the sellers to turn down the offer, but I hoped they would come back with a reasonable counteroffer. Instead, they simply rejected it out of hand and refused to even make a counteroffer. They asked me to come back with a “more reason- able” offer, but I refused. Because the house had literally just come on the market, I knew that the sellers had visions of competing buyers bidding up the price beyond their asking price and they were not psycho- logically ready to accept anything less. So I decided to let some time pass, and I hoped no one else would make a better offer. I told the sellers that I wouldn’t make another offer but would consider a counteroffer from them if they changed their mind before I found something else. Then, making sure they knew that I was continuing to look at other houses, I waited. The housing market continued to soften, and the sellers did not get any other offers. About two weeks later, they made a counterof- fer of $215,000. I responded by offering $205,000, and they accepted. Because I had said no in a way that kept the door open to further negotiations, I was able to buy the house for $15,000 less than the sellers were originally willing to accept.
  • 63. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 41 Jessica’s home-buying experience demonstrates that saying nomay also be a matter of timing. In any negotiation, sometimes itmay be too soon to say yes to something. As discussed earlier,bargaining of any kind requires give-and-take. The other sideexpects you to make concessions. If you don’t offer concessions,people think that you are not considering their needs. But if yougrant concessions too readily, the other side will not value them.So before you can say yes, sometimes you have to first say no. Conversely, when someone tells you no, it is not necessarilythe end of the discussion. Rather, it is an opportunity to findout what you must do to get him or her to say yes. The mostdifficult person to sell to is the one who listens politely to whatyou have to say, thanks you, and just doesn’t buy. Because theseprospects never say no, it is impossible to get them to say yes.When they say no, at least you have the opportunity to find outwhy. In sales training, this is called “eliciting objections.” Onceyou understand someone’s objections, you can use one or moreof the convince, collaborate, and create approaches we discussthroughout the book to address them. As Andrea Jung, chairmanand chief executive officer of Avon Products and the longest-tenured woman CEO of a Fortune 500 company, notes: Ultimately, any successful negotiation requires tenacity and per- severance, and that’s something I learned from my parents as part of my Chinese heritage. When I graduated from Princeton, my very first job was as an executive trainee at Federated Department Stores. The trainees’ responsibility was simple—we had to put clothes on hangers in a stock room store. As you can imagine, this was not exactly what I had envisioned I’d be doing with my college diploma. So one day I decided to quit, and I called my parents to tell them so. I assumed that, naturally, my parents would understand my predicament. Instead, my moth- er’s response was: “Quit? You can’t quit. Jungs don’t quit.” So I didn’t. I persevered. As a result, I ended up falling in love with the consumer business and also learning the value of tenacity, an important business trait that has served me well ever since.
  • 64. 42 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING Moreover, just because one person says no doesn’t mean thatyou can’t ask someone else. Maybe you are just not asking theright person. Sometimes persistence is your most importantnegotiating tool. Donna Lagani, publishing director for theCosmopolitan Group that publishes Cosmopolitan, offers soundadvice: “Never take no from someone who cannot say yes.” Saying no is not personal. It has nothing to do with you oryour relationship with the person with whom you are negotiating.It is just part of the negotiating process. Saying no is one wayto exchange information about your needs. Looked at that way,saying no becomes a lot easier, as does dealing with no whensomeone says it to you.DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY: IT’S ALL RIGHT TO FEELEMOTIONS WHEN YOU NEGOTIATE, AS LONG AS YOUDON’T NEGOTIATE EMOTIONALLYThere is no crying in baseball. —TOM H ANK S IN A L E AGUE OF THEIR O WNJennifer Valoppi, an Emmy Award winning television journalistand founder of the Women of Tomorrow Mentor and ScholarshipProgram, was negotiating a new agreement with WWOR-TV inNew York where she was an anchor on the evening news. Shewas working through her agent. When her agent showed her theinitial offer he had received from the station, she was “furious.”Because she was already working there and had a relationshipwith the station manager, she was “personally offended” by theoffer. When she confronted the station manager about the offer,the station manager’s response was “to make him a counteroffer.”In the end, she reacted emotionally, and they failed to reach anagreement. As a result, she took a better offer from NBC to co-host the show One on One with John Tesh. Although in the endeverything turned out well, in hindsight she recognizes that sheshouldn’t have reacted emotionally.
  • 65. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 43 Valoppi notes, “Men don’t take negotiations personally; tothem negotiations are just negotiations. If you become emotionalwhen you are negotiating, you need to get over it.” To negotiatewell, you have to be able to step back and see the big picture.That means maintaining emotional objectivity. Good negotiators“lose their cool” only for effect. One common negotiating mistake women make is to let theiremotions affect the way they negotiate. We have all made thatmistake at one time or another. Negotiating can bring out avariety of emotions ranging from anger at perceived insults toexcitement at the prospect of getting something we want. It isnormal to feel emotions when you negotiate, but when you are inthat state of mind, you cannot negotiate effectively, and it is bestnot to try. Tell the other party that you have an appointment, andschedule another meeting for a later date. Take a break to get abite to eat, or get a cup of coffee. If you just need a few momentsto regain your composure, go to the ladies’ room. It is one placewhere a man won’t be able to follow you. The important thing isto give yourself enough time to be able to negotiate unemotion-ally when you return. AVOID NEGOTIATING WHEN YOU ARE TOO: D istracted I rritated S tressed T ired R attled A ngry C onfused T earful E xcited D istraught
  • 66. 44 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING Dee Soder, Ph.D., founder and managing partner of the CEOPerspective Group and an excellent negotiator, describes oneinstance in which waiting until she was in a better frame of mindmight have facilitated a more productive negotiation later on. Itwas late in the day, and she was tired. Her staff had been tryingfor months to get a DSL line correctly installed in her office. Shefinally called the company herself and received a call back nearthe end of the day. The person who called was not the person shehad tried to reach and was not particularly helpful. Rather thancalling back later, as she recognizes she should have done, shecontinued with the call and “vented” about all the problems shehad been having with the company. The discussion was totallyunproductive. Nothing got resolved. As a result, it took her staffthree more months and numerous additional calls to get the DSLline installed properly. Not only should you not let your emotions affect how younegotiate; it is also important not to let them show, especiallywhen you are negotiating with men. Women show their emotionsdifferently than men do. This is a result of the way women areraised. Psychologist Patricia Farrell describes it this way: Men get angry. Women take things personally. When they are growing up, girls are allowed to be emotional. Girls can cry. Boys can’t. For a girl, being upset, being emotional, is accept- able. Because we are talking about relationships, for women it’s always personal. When you are negotiating, though, particularly in business,emotional displays can hurt. If a man screams, he is forgivenbecause he is considered a tough guy who has merely lost histemper. As previously discussed, a woman who screams is labeleda “bitch” who cannot control herself. If a man cries, he is lookedat as compassionate—as long as it doesn’t happen too often or ata time when he is expected to be in control. But a woman whocries is branded “overly emotional.” This is particularly true, as
  • 67. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 45Audrey Cramer, vice chair of Cushman and Wakefield, notes, ifyou are working in a predominantly male industry: You need to accept that you are in a male-dominated business, so don’t be girly and make sure to keep emotions out of your negotiations. If you know the facts and prepare meticulously, then as a woman, you can really stand out. This may not be fair, but, at least until we become moreenlightened as a society, it is the reality. Men like to think of themselves as being rational at all times.They want to believe that they negotiate dispassionately. Mostmen would say that they prefer to deal with others who negoti-ate that way as well. Although while, in fact, men often let theiremotions affect the way they negotiate, they always try to appear“cool under fire.” Even if you are excited or if someone has man-aged to “get to you,” don’t show it. This takes practice. FormerNewsweek publisher Carolyn Wall told us, “One of the hardestthings for me is to cap the emotions I might feel, particularly ifI am excited [about a deal]. So I keep focused on not showingemotion. If I can’t be flat, at least I try to be inscrutable.” Sharon Taylor, senior vice president of human resources atPrudential Financial, Inc., posited the one unbreakable rule forwomen in business: “Whatever you do, you can’t cry.” Cryingis the emotional display that men most dread. It can be deadlyfor a woman in business. The Wall Street Journal reported thatDeborah Hopkins, who had been lured away from Boeing tojoin Lucent Technologies as CFO, lost critical support from theboard of directors after she broke down in tears following toughquestioning about a presentation she had just given. The fact thata member of the board of directors would mention the incidentto a reporter points up how truly damaging an emotional displaycan be for a woman. To gain and keep the respect you need tonegotiate on an equal footing with men in business, if you haveto cry, leave the room first.
  • 68. 46 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING When men negotiate with you, they may fail to treat you withthe respect you deserve. They may scream at you or belittle you.Whether this behavior is a tactic to throw you off or is uninten-tional, there are ways to effectively deal with it. One way is tosimply ignore it, as Cathy Harbin does. As general manager of thetwo world-class golf courses at the World Golf Village, where thePGA’s Golf Hall of Fame is located, Cathy is a rarity in the worldof golf. She frequently encounters men who, when she negoti-ates with them, start out by treating her as if she were their wifeor daughter. Some of them call her “sweetie” or “darling.” Shedoesn’t get upset or angry. As she says, “They don’t necessarilymean it that way, and even if they do, what good does it do toget offended by it?” She ignores it and goes on with her business.She just keeps being herself until they realize they have to speakto her in a different way. You can also deal with efforts to intimidate you by refusingto continue until they cease. Another option is to openly discusswhat the other person is doing (“Let’s talk about why you thinkyou can intimidate me by yelling”). Or you could use humor todiffuse the situation (“Is it my turn to scream yet?”). One thingyou should not do, though, is become angry or upset, unless youare doing it for effect. Whenever Davia Temin, president of Temin and Company,feels like yelling at someone with whom she is negotiating, sherecalls advice her father gave her. He used to say, “If I wererich, I would build a soundproof room. Then whenever I gotupset, I could go there, break cheap china, and when I calmeddown, I could go out and deal with things.” When Davia getsupset, she takes a mental “china break.” She doesn’t lose hertemper. Instead she intentionally tries to match her style to thatof the person with whom she is dealing. If he gets tough, shegets tough back. If he screams, she gets “quietly tough” and“just keeps coming back at him.” But she doesn’t yell. In Davia’s
  • 69. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 47words, “When women yell, they come across as whiny or bitchy,and that doesn’t work.” Although screaming, yelling, and carrying on do not work forwomen most of the time, even that rule has exceptions. Daviahad a client who always yelled. All the other women at her firmput up with him and ignored his behavior, but Davia would nottolerate it, even from an important client. She tried everything.She brought it to his attention; she asked him not to do it; shetold him to stop. Nothing worked. Finally, after much thought,one day she yelled back at him. It worked. He respected that, andhe stopped yelling at her staff. When all else fails, according toDavia, you may have to raise your voice, but only when all elsefails and only for effect. Lisa Gersch, president of strategic initia-tives at NBC Universal, agrees that you should raise your voiceonly as a last resort and never out of anger. “Screaming is inap-propriate for women, except when it isn’t.” Then she adds, “butno whining, under any circumstances.” It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and lose the emotionalobjectivity necessary to negotiate well. If you do, you will makemistakes. Not only avoid getting angry but also prevent yourselffrom becoming committed to the outcome. Sometimes we get soexcited about an opportunity that we forget to ask all the rightquestions. Cathie Black, chairman of Hearst Magazines, recallshow Al Neuharth, then chairman of media conglomerate Gannettand creator of USA Today, tried several times to get her to workfor him, but she wasn’t interested in any of the jobs he spoke toher about. Then one day he called and said, “I think I found ajob for you. How would you like to be president of USA Today?”She couldn’t believe it. That was a job she really wanted. Oncethey agreed on the money and the basic employment terms, sheimmediately accepted the position. In her excitement, though,she failed to ask exactly what her responsibilities would be orwho would report to her. That was a mistake. She was attending
  • 70. 48 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGa luncheon to announce her appointment, and right before theannouncement, a senior executive came up to her, congratulatedher, and then added, “I just want to let you know, I had dinnerwith Neuharth yesterday, and he told me I don’t report to you.” Ittook her three months to rectify the reporting relationship. Whenever Katie Blackburn, executive vice president for theCincinnati Bengals football team, finds herself getting too excitedabout the prospect of signing a player with whom she is nego-tiating a contract, she asks herself, “What would happen if wedidn’t get this guy? What are our options?” This enables her toput things back in perspective. It helps her to walk away if shecannot convince the player to accept her best offer. Negotiating is not personal. It’s about getting what you want.The people with whom you are negotiating have the same objec-tive. It is fine to like the people on the other side, but don’t feelyou have to reach an agreement because you have a relationshipwith them. Relationships are only part of the bargaining equa-tion. Unless you have misled someone about your intentions, therelationship is not likely to suffer if you decline the offer, particu-larly if you state your reasons for doing so. In the end, maintain-ing emotional objectivity means being able to walk away from anagreement that is not in your best interest.GOOD GIRLS DON’T, BUT SUCCESSFUL WOMEN DO:DON’T BE AFRAID TO BREAK THE RULESA ship in port is safe, but that is not what ships are for. —R E AR A DMIR AL G R ACE M URR AY H OPPERSCarole Cooper is an owner/agent at N.S. Bienstock, Inc. She rep-resents television personalities such as Fox’s Bill O’Reilly, CNN’sAnderson Cooper, and ABC’s Liz Cho. When she graduatedfrom college, she had no real work experience. But she did have aburning desire to work in the entertainment business, so she gotan interview at MPO, at that time the largest commercial produc-
  • 71. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 49tion company in the country. They were looking for an assistantwho could type and take shorthand. Although Carole could typea little, she didn’t know any shorthand. Nonetheless, she toldthem she “could do everything.” Luckily, they didn’t test her, soshe got the job. About two weeks later, her boss called her in andasked her to take a letter. She took some notes, typed up a letter,and put it in his inbox for him to sign. Later that day, he calledher into his office, looked straight at her, and asked, “So you takeshorthand?” She replied, “I write a good letter.” He laughed andsaid, “I like you. You’re gutsy. We’ll try it this way.” She workedfor him for four years, and when he left MPO, he took her withhim, taught her the business, and helped her become a producer.None of that would have occurred had she listened when she wastold shorthand was required for the position. We often do things either because someone has told us that’show we ought to do them or because that is how they have beendone in the past. That mindset is limiting. Your ability to createis unlimited and, as we discuss in Chapter 5, it is one of the threepillars upon which successful negotiating is based. When younegotiate, the only limits are those you impose on yourself. Vivian Eyre, a career consultant and the president of Partnersfor Women’s Growth, frequently encounters women who are heldback by being too “rules oriented.” The following story, which Irecount in an earlier book, Get More Money on Your Next Job. . . In Any Economy, illustrates this problem. Vivian’s client had been hired by a publishing company to heada new imprint. When her client was hired, her compensationpackage, in line with the company’s compensation practices, wasweighted more heavily toward base salary than bonus. Throughher talent and hard work, she was able to increase revenues bymore than 30 percent in her first year. Her boss and her peersrecognized her accomplishments, yet the closer she got to bonustime, the more dissatisfied she became. Even if she were awardedthe maximum bonus for which she was eligible, it would clearly
  • 72. 50 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGbe inadequate in light of what she had achieved. When she cameto Vivian, she was ready to leave her job because of the bonussituation. Vivian suggested that she explain to her boss how shefelt, and, in light of her performance, ask him to increase herbonus. Her client did not feel that she could do that because ofthe way the bonus plan was structured, but after a little coachingfrom Vivian, she went to her boss and negotiated a bigger bonus.Before coming to see Vivian, she had been ready to leave a jobshe liked and did well. She had never seriously considered tryingto renegotiate her bonus because she had let herself be intimi-dated by what she understood “the rules” to be. A willingness to take risks will sometimes enable you to getthings you otherwise would not get. Good negotiators take cal-culated risks. They weigh the likelihood that their strategy willsucceed against the consequences if it does not, and then theydecide whether it makes sense to proceed in that fashion. Most young girls are socialized to follow the rules and to avoidtaking risks. They are rewarded for respecting authority. Theyare taught to strive for perfection. Girls are constantly bom-barded by images of physical perfection and told that they shouldtry to emulate them. They are expected to be well behaved anddisplay good manners at all times. Phrases like “perfect wife,”“perfect mother,” and “perfect 10” are constantly thrown atthem. Although these are unattainable goals, the fear of makingmistakes and failing to live up to those ideals encourages womento play it safe. Boys are not so burdened. No one expects them to be perfect.After all, “Boys will be boys.” Boys are allowed to be wild. Theyare taught to be adventurous. They try new things, and whenthey screw up, they make a joke out of it. Boys are encouragedby each other to take risks: to climb higher, to go where theyshouldn’t, to show off, and to risk getting in trouble. In fact, theirpeers reward them for breaking rules and not getting caught.
  • 73. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 51 In negotiating, however, the only rule you need to know is thatthere are no rules unless all the parties agree on them. You donot have to play by someone else’s rules when you negotiate. Youcan create the rules. Every rule but one can be broken: Never lie.If you get caught you will lose all credibility. You can, however,decide how best to structure your message—what you want toemphasize, how you want to present it, and what you choose toomit—as long as what you actually say is accurate. This is partand parcel of how we convince. Create is about changing the rules, taking calculated risks,and doing the unexpected. If playing by someone else’s ruleswon’t get you where you want to go, change them, break them,or change the game.LIGHTEN UP: A LITTLE HUMOR GOES A LONG WAYThe most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed. —C HAMFORTAfter she left Chanel, Kitty D’Alessio found herself negotiatingwith Henry Kravis, an investment banker who had made billionsthrough leveraged buyouts, about the possibility of running abusiness with his then wife, designer Carolyn Roehm. WhenHenry, a tough negotiator, asked Kitty how much she wantedto come to work for him, she didn’t know what to ask for. Soshe said, “A million dollars.” Immediately, she knew she hadasked for too much. His eyes narrowed, his body tensed, andhe erupted, “You’re nuts!” Without missing a beat, she replied,“Nice try, wasn’t it?” He laughed and eventually agreed to a verygenerous compensation package. In every negotiation, there are critical moments when thingscan go one of two ways: well or not so well. You may be havinga serious disagreement, or the person with whom you are talkingmay be taking an unreasonable position. Tension fills the room.
  • 74. 52 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGIt looks as if everything is about to fall apart. Then someone sayssomething funny, and the moment passes. Humor is used when you negotiate not just to get a laugh butalso to ease the tension. Having a sense of humor makes peoplewant to be around you. Humor enables you to connect withsomeone on a personal level and show him or her another sideof you. It can help you to develop a relationship. But you have touse it at the right time, and in an appropriate way. Never use itto put someone down. That will only make it harder to reach anagreement. Author and consultant Jean Hollands suggests usingself-deprecating humor: Humor can help you out of everything, if you can lighten up and make fun of yourself. But Bully Broads tend to use humor sarcas- tically. That doesn’t work. Although men can sometimes get away with sarcasm, when a woman does it, the recipient, particularly if he is a male, is rendered impotent, and he then doesn’t want to help you.That is exactly what you want to avoid. When someone makes an offer that is much too low, it usuallystops the negotiation cold. You are not going to make a counter-offer because doing so would be tantamount to accepting theiroffer as legitimate. (See the discussion on anchoring in Chapter3, pages 77–84) You could refuse to negotiate any further andinsist that the other party give you a reasonable offer. That might,however, be the end of the discussion. Or you could reply withhumor. For example, when I was practicing law and an opposinglawyer would offer to settle a case for a million dollars, whichseemed to occur whenever they didn’t know where to begin, Iwould reply in a joking manner, “Perhaps if you pay me a milliondollars, I would agree to settle.” And then I would say somethinglike, “Maybe next time we do this, we can both try to be serious.”Humor allowed the negotiation to go forward by giving the otherside a chance to make a more realistic offer without losing face. Humor can also be used to make a point. Actress ChristineBaranski was backstage waiting to audition for a Neil Simon play.
  • 75. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 53Manny Azenburg, the producer, came over to her and said, “Youknow, you can have this part if you want. Neil is crazy about you.”Instead of “Thank you,” the first words out of her mouth were,“You know, Christmas is a deal breaker.” He laughed, which waswhat she intended. But she quickly added, “No, it really is.” Beingable to spend time with her children is important to Christine,but when you tell someone that something is not negotiable, youare taking a tough position. It helps if you can make the otherside laugh while you are delivering that message. Humor also works particularly well when negotiating withfamily members. Nancy Erica Smith, a prominent employmentattorney with the law firm of Smith and Mullin, practices lawwith her husband Neil. He has always wanted to buy a Mercedes.If she told him that she didn’t want him to get one, though, hewould get defensive and angry. Then he would probably go rightout and buy one. Instead, she uses humor to make her point.Nancy has been known to remark to him when he mentions thathe is thinking about buying a Mercedes: “Why don’t you just geta license plate that says ‘Midlife Crisis.’ It’s cheaper.” This hasbeen going on for years, and he still drives a Jeep. Humor works for Nancy with her children as well. Her son likescomic books. Nancy thinks they are sexist and violent, but shedoesn’t tell him he can’t read them. Instead, she reads them withhim and makes her point with humor. If she comes across a femalecharacter in a particularly revealing outfit she might say, “That’s anice outfit. Would you like me to wear something like that?” Having a sense of humor never hurts. Women often think theywon’t be taken seriously if they joke around. Most women, how-ever, run a bigger risk of being perceived as humorless. Laughingis less about the joke than it is about the relationship. Sometimesyou have to be serious, but, used properly, a little humor can breakthe tension and soften a tough position. Not everyone is funnythough; some people couldn’t tell a joke if their life depended onit. Yet you can still show that you have a sense of humor by laugh-ing when others say something funny. Sometimes it pays to laugh,
  • 76. 54 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGor at least smile, even if a joke isn’t particularly funny. After all,you laugh at the jokes your young children and grandchildren tellyou whether they are funny or not. It shows you care. The sameapplies when negotiating. Laughing is a way to make a connectionwhether you are telling a joke or just listening to one.ACCEPT HUMAN NATURE—DON’T FIGHT ITHuman nature will not change. —A BR AHAM L INCOLNWhen you negotiate, you must take into consideration the otherparty’s biases. Your job is not to change the people with whomyou are dealing. You couldn’t even if you wanted to. Your job isto understand them so you can figure out how best to achieveyour objectives. Proper preparation entails considering the biasesof your intended audience to determine whether you are the bestperson to handle the negotiations. This requires knowing your-self as well as knowing the people with whom you are dealing.That self-awareness will help you to figure out what will play bestwith the other side—not only in term of arguments but also whoshould deliver them. For example, if you’re negotiating with a man who appears tobe biased, recognize that and take advantage of it. If he is uncom-fortable negotiating with a woman and is more likely to acquiesceto avoid prolonging the situation, use that to your advantage. If,as is sometimes the case, he is going to fight tooth and nail toavoid any perception of being out-negotiated by a woman, eitherfigure out how to make him comfortable negotiating with you orbring in another man to negotiate for you. If you decide to bringin someone else, do so without appearing weak. For example,bring in someone recognized as having some special expertisethat is relevant to what is being discussed. You can also takeyourself out of the negotiations by claiming to have other, moreimportant, obligations. To do that, though, you should actually be
  • 77. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 55involved in something more important, in case someone bothersto check out your reason. When G. G. Michelson, formerly the senior vice president forexternal affairs for R. H. Macy & Co., Inc., was a young labornegotiator, she was thrown into a negotiation with the presidentof a Teamsters’ union local. She had never dealt with him before,and he obviously believed that because she was a young woman,she couldn’t possibly have any authority. He wouldn’t negotiateseriously with her. Recognizing that she wasn’t getting anywhere,G. G. asked her boss, a man, to take over the negotiations. Inhindsight, she believes that, if she had gotten to know the unionleader and he had gotten to know her ahead of time, she couldhave changed the situation. But in the absence of a relationship,there was no way he would negotiate with a 20-year-old woman.Alexis Glick, former anchor and vice president of business newsat the Fox Business Network, sums up the impact that building arelationship can have when you are negotiating: “If you have theability to connect with people in a way that they feel comfortablewith, you can get anything you want.” Women negotiators are often underestimated, particularly ifthey are young. Sometimes that can work in your favor. One ofthe most effective female lawyers I know was able to take apartan older male attorney by saying at the start of the negotiationsthat she hoped he wouldn’t take advantage of her inexperienceand would make her a fair offer. When he did, she treated hisoffer as the starting point, and that became the starting point forthe negotiations. One way to take advantage of being underestimated by men isto offer to do the first draft of any agreement. Men will usuallyacquiesce to such an offer and may even welcome the fact that theydo not have to do the work. As any lawyer will tell you, the personwho drafts the documents has a major advantage because you getto deal with the issues that have not been specifically addressedin a manner favorable to you, as long as you are consistent with
  • 78. 56 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGwhat has actually been agreed to. The other side will then have tonegotiate changes to what you have already drafted. Most men are naturally competitive when they negotiate. Youeither have to put them at ease or take advantage of their competi-tiveness. Men can get so wrapped up in the game aspect of nego-tiations that they sometimes lose sight of what they are trying toachieve. What is important to them is winning. If you find yourselfin that situation, you can let them think they are winning as longas you get what you want. You can accomplish this through theartful use of concessions. Let them believe that you want one thingwhen in fact there is something else more important to you. Thiswill allow you to concede the first point to gain agreement on thelatter. Often this is more effective than going head-to-head with amale counterpart who places more importance on not appearingto lose to a woman than on actually reaching agreement. One ofthe women we interviewed went so far as to say, “When you nego-tiate with men, you need to start higher than with women becausethey need to negotiate more. That way they can be heroes.” Jessicaadvises: Age can also play an important role in how you negotiate. When you are dealing with someone older or in a more powerful posi- tion, sometimes the best way to get what you want is by asking for advice or assistance. This approach can be particularly effec- tive if you have a relationship with the person. When it comes to dealing with your parents, though, you may never succeed in getting them to treat you as an equal regardless of your age. Your parents always believe that, due to their greater experi- ence, they know best. I even see this when my parents interact with their parents. Bosses or older, more experienced people in business may also treat you that way. You can’t change the way they treat you, but you can make it work for you by approaching them to seek their advice. When I was deciding where to live after college, I approached my father about moving to Baltimore instead of to New York City. At first he hated the idea because I would still be living far
  • 79. THE 10 MOST COMMON MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE AND HOW TO AVOID THEM 57 away, and, after four years of seeing me only once every few months, he was hoping I would move to New York. I explained some of the advantages to living in Baltimore. I mentioned that the year before a friend had bought a townhouse as an invest- ment in the area where I was considering living and had done very well with it. I know he is always interested in investment ideas, so I asked for his advice. Although I started out hoping he might give me a loan, we ended up deciding to buy the house together. He would put up the down payment, and I would fix up and maintain the house, and with a roommate, I would pay the mortgage and upkeep. When we sold the place, I would pay back the down payment, and we would split the profits. He gets a good investment. I get a nice place to live and growing equity in a house. Because I approached my father seeking advice rather than asking for a loan or for him to cosign for one, our discussions were a lot easier. Moreover, the solution we developed worked better for both of us than what I initially had in mind. We still debate whose idea it actually was to buy the house together. My dad is convinced that it was his. The one thing, though, that cannot be debated is that the best approach for me to take with him was to seek his advice. No discussion of negotiating would be complete if we did notmention the basic human element of sex. Particularly for youngwomen, sexual attraction can play a role when negotiating. Inyour personal life, it obviously will, but attractiveness can helpyou when you are negotiating with a man in a business setting.Just being a woman can be advantageous at times. Studies haveshown that men are more likely to return a phone message orvoicemail from a woman they do not know than one from a man.But using sex when you are negotiating, particularly in a businesssetting, can be very dangerous. Although being flirtatious mayhelp you initially, it sets the wrong tone. When Anna Lloyd, president and executive director of theCommittee of 200, an organization of prominent women entre-preneurs and corporate leaders, was young, she soon became
  • 80. 58 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGaware that in dealing with men, particularly older men, therewas often an element of sexual attraction. As a young woman,she used flirtatiousness to her advantage. But as she got olderand gained more confidence in her own abilities, she realizedthat flirting prevented her from developing the type of relation-ship she needed to deal with men as equals. Anna describes anincident when she was a young woman working in politics inwhich, instead of preparing, she thought she could charm a malecolleague into agreeing to what she wanted. She was unsuccess-ful because she had not done her homework. To make mattersworse, the colleague put her in the awkward position of suggest-ing that he might reconsider his position if they were to go outsocially. She of course declined his invitation. Her experience,which has happened to many other young women even whenthey do nothing to encourage it, points out the dangers of usingsex when negotiating. If you use your sexuality, you create anexpectation that the flirtation will continue—and that is usuallynot your intention.
  • 81. 3 One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears—by listening to them. —D E A N R USK Convince Changing the Way Others See ThingsJennifer Allyn, a managing director for PricewaterhouseCoopers,the world’s largest accounting and consulting firm, described herbest negotiation as having occurred when she was going throughher divorce. During their marriage, each weekend her husbandand their then two-year-old daughter had done the family foodshopping. After they separated, she was trying to figure out howshe was going to handle this added weekly task, in light of herbusy work schedule. She understood that one of the things hersoon-to-be ex-husband was worried about was being seen byhis daughter as a “weekend visitor.” So Jennifer suggested tohim that he continue to do the food shopping with his daughtereach week, as an activity the two of them could keep on doingtogether. Nine years later he still is doing her food shoppingeach week with their daughter, “making her life so much easier.”Imagine his response if Jennifer had expressed her request tocontinue to do the food shopping after they got divorced as “a 59
  • 82. 60 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGfavor to her.” Instead, she saw a way to position her request interms of what he cared about—something that would motivatehim to want to do her food shopping. That is a good example ofhow convince works. When you are negotiating, you often must persuade others toagree to do things that they might not initially be inclined to do.Convince is often misunderstood as trying to persuade by gettingpeople to change their point of view. To the contrary, when weconvince, we demonstrate how what we are proposing is some-thing that they already care about and want. Convince is notabout showing people that you are right and they are wrong andthat therefore they should do what you are proposing. Rather,convince is about acknowledging that, at least from their vantagepoint, they are right and that therefore they should do what youare proposing. Convince always starts with discovering what people wantand care about (the “U Perspectives” of those whom you wishto persuade). That knowledge will facilitate your helping themappreciate that what you are seeking furthers their goals. Byfocusing on where you share common ground, you reinforce thereasons why they are already inclined to do what you want themto do. Convince persuades by getting people to recognize thatwhich is familiar in what you are saying rather than to embracesomething new. You are merely asking them to embrace valuesthey already hold and showing them how what you are suggest-ing supports those values. Trying to change someone’s U Perspective is like trying toswim against the current. No matter how strong a swimmer youare, you will usually exhaust yourself before you reach your desti-nation. Even a persuasive argument will fall on deaf ears if it goesagainst people’s core beliefs. People tend to selectively focus onlyon those facts that support their preconceived ideas. They inter-pret what they focus on through the prism of their prior experi-ences and the values they hold dear. In other words, they seewhat they want to see and believe what they want to believe.
  • 83. CONVINCE 61 In one experiment that illustrates this phenomenon, subjectswere asked to evaluate a student’s intelligence by reviewing infor-mation about the student provided to them on a series of cards.The subjects were told to review one card at a time and to stop assoon as they reached a conclusion. Even though the informationon each card was extremely damaging, when the subjects likedthe student that they were evaluating, they continued to turnover one card after another, hoping to find something that wouldallow them to reach a favorable conclusion. On the other hand,when the subjects disliked the student they were evaluating, theyturned over a few cards and quickly confirmed the conclusionthey were already predisposed to reach. If people want something, they will find reasons why theyshould have it. Moreover, how people value things is not onlysubjective but it is also influenced by what others do. Peopleinstinctively distrust what others tell them, especially if they don’talready have an established relationship with them. However, ifyou are merely confirming what people already believe or you areappealing to what they already care about, then they accept whatyou are saying without questioning it. Convince can be broken down into four basic elements: lis-tening (which includes active listening), purposeful questioning,anchoring, and delivering your message.LISTENINGNegotiating is a dialogue, not a monologue. To persuade, youmust first listen. If you listen, people will tell you exactly whatyou need to do to persuade them. When others feel that you arelistening to them, not only will they give you critical informa-tion but they will also become more open to listening to you. AsAndrea Jung, chairman and CEO of Avon Products, notes: When I first starting working at Avon, I would often go into meetings with a clear point of view, and I would immediately share that view with my colleagues. However, I found that this
  • 84. 62 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING approach was ineffective in helping me negotiate a positive result. Over time I learned that it was more effective to listen to all of the points of view in the room first before saying anything myself. Just the act of listening seems to bring people together and create more alignment. And I often find that by listening with humility, I might even change my original opinion. Flexibil- ity in negotiations is always a useful asset. Claire Irving, president of Cranston Capital, who is a licensedprivate investigator, adds: “Three-quarters of negotiating is justlistening.” When Claire was a managing director of Kroll Inves-tigations, one of the largest private investigating firms in thecountry, she was given the unenviable task of trying to collectmore than $4 million in outstanding bills, all of them severalyears old. Yet she was able to negotiate payment of $3.98 mil-lion, approximately 98 percent of those outstanding bills, simplyby asking the right questions and listening to the answers. Allshe did was call the clients who were in arrears to find out whythey hadn’t paid. In most cases, the clients told her that Krollhad done something wrong or had promised to do somethingbut hadn’t followed through. By listening and allowing the clientsto feel that they had been heard, in almost every case she wasable to negotiate an agreement to pay. Sometimes she agreed toaccept a slightly reduced payment; sometimes she allowed clientsto pay over time; and sometimes she arranged for her firm to dowhat they had failed to do in the first place. Many women think of negotiating as arguing, screaming, andhaggling. Lisa Gersch, president of strategic initiatives at NBCUniversal, understands, as do most successful women, that it isnone of those things. She says that some men in the entertain-ment industry like to scream and yell when they don’t get theirway, but if you don’t let it intimidate you, screaming is not effec-tive at all. Not only does she not let it intimidate her but she alsoviews such carrying-on as giving her an advantage: “When I amlistening and they’re screaming, I will always win. Because if youare screaming, you’re not listening. You need to listen to win.”
  • 85. CONVINCE 63 When it comes to listening, most women have an advantageover men. They may not be trained to negotiate growing up, butthey do learn how to listen. Girls, even today, are expected tofigure out what people want and need without being told. Theyhone this skill watching younger siblings and babysitting. Moth-ers not only have to listen to their children but also anticipatetheir needs even before they learn to speak. Successful marriagesdepend on being able to communicate well, and it is typicallythe listening skills that women bring to the relationship thatfacilitates that communication. Cathie Black, chairman of HearstMagazines, believes, as do many of the women we interviewed,that “women are better listeners”: We didn’t grow up in a hierarchical alignment of authority and decision making. We are open to hearing different opinions before making a decision. That does not mean we won’t make tough decisions, but we try to get “buy-in” by involving others in the decision. That is an effective way to negotiate. I have learned in my yearsas a human resources executive, and as a parent, that people oftenthink they aren’t being heard. We all have a need to be heard. Itvalidates us. It is at the heart of any relationship, whether profes-sional or personal. Many times, all we really want is for someoneto listen to us and acknowledge our point of view. As a Fortune 1000 head of human resources, I have had thedifficult task of firing people. This is a very delicate negotiation.The company wants terminated employees to exit quietly, with-out litigation. Employees want to be treated fairly and to receivea fair severance package. For many people, the most importantthing is to be allowed to have their say. They want to be heard.People want their “day in court.” If you don’t give it to them, thatis where you are likely to end up. To communicate with your children, you also need to hearthem and to acknowledge their feelings. Often just making aneffort to understand their point of view is sufficient, even if youdisagree with them and, in the end, don’t allow them to do what
  • 86. 64 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGthey want. The same is true in virtually every type of negotiation.If you want others to be open to listening to you, they must feelthat you are listening to them. Listening does not mean agreeing, nor does acknowledgingthat you understand what others are saying or feeling. You canacknowledge others’ feelings but still disagree with their viewof the situation. Firing employees usually involves exactly that.You can say, “I understand how hard this is on you and that youdisagree with the company’s decision.” At the same time, youcan point out that he or she had received previous warnings andthat termination should not be a surprise. This approach worksin other negotiations as well because you must acknowledge thatyou understand why others are taking a position before you canbegin to convince them to change it. When you say somethinglike, “I understand why you are making that proposal,” you areacknowledging that their position has validity. Often, that willallow them to recognize your needs and perhaps modify theirown position in light of them. That opens the door to your fol-lowing up the acknowledgment with an alternative proposal,such as, “Would the following work for you?”Be SincereThe most important part of being an effective listener is to genu-inely care about what others are saying—to try to understand howthey see things. Being authentic will make you a better listenerand a more successful negotiator. People can usually tell if youare insincere. They know when you don’t really care about whatthey think. Women who care about developing relationships havean advantage over men who are just going through the motionsof appearing to try to understand so they can get what they want.However, as mentioned earlier, genuinely trying to understandwhat someone else needs doesn’t mean that you have to give upwhat you want. Even when, and perhaps especially when, you arecollaborating, you need to remain focused on your own interests.
  • 87. CONVINCE 65Listen “Under”Pay attention not just to the words being spoken but to everythingelse that is going on as well. When you listen, you must not onlyhear the words but also discern what is really on the other person’smind. Watch the other person’s body language, and pay attentionto the feedback you are receiving. If, for example, as soon as youaddress one point of concern other objections are immediatelyraised, the stated objections are probably being used to mask thereal issue that the person may feel uncomfortable discussing. Any time someone takes a position that seems inconsistentwith other information being conveyed to you, or if somethingjust doesn’t seem “right,” delve deeper. Similarly, if someoneappears to be agreeing with you, but you observe negative bodylanguage, continue to ask questions. Examples of unreceptivebody language include moving away from you, leaning back,crossing arms or legs, clenching fists, putting hands in pocketsor behind the back, or turning away from you. Body languagethat suggests doubts includes touching the nose, rubbing the ears,running fingers through the hair, and looking sideways at you orturning the body sideways from you. Whenever you see indica-tions that what others are saying may not really reflect what theyare feeling, draw upon your “listening under” skills. You can thencall on the purposeful questioning techniques discussed below tofigure out what is really going on. Ellen Sandles is the executive director of the Tri-State PrivateInvestors Network, an organization that brings together investorsand new business ventures. Recently, she received a phone callfrom an investor who had been a guest at one of their meetings.He had attempted to call her several times before finally reach-ing her. She was hoping he would become a member, but he toldher that, although the meeting had been excellent, he was notgoing to join. Ellen realized that what he was saying did not jibewith his behavior because people seldom go out of their way tocall you to tell you no. They wait for you to call them. So Ellen
  • 88. 66 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGkept him talking until he finally told her the real problem. Hewanted to take an active role in his investments, and in the pasthe had served as CFO for a few of them. He was afraid that hergroup would view this as a conflict of interest because all of themembers were passive investors. When Ellen assured him thatthey would not and that they would actually welcome his activeinvolvement in their investments, he readily agreed to join. Ini-tially, though, he hadn’t expressed his real concerns. Ellen hadto hear beyond what he was saying to understand that his callingto tell her no didn’t really mean “no.” Rather, it meant that hewanted to talk about his concerns. Once she realized what thoseconcerns were, she could address them and persuade him tobecome a member. Kitty D’Alessio, the first woman and first American to serve aspresident of Chanel, calls this skill “listening under.” Developingthe ability to listen under has helped her throughout her career.When she was a young advertising executive, she had a meetingwith Charles Revson, then chairman of Revlon, about shoot-ing an ad for a new lipstick called “Naked Pink.” Revson wasa brilliant man with a big ego. He told her exactly how he sawthe ad: “a wedding with the mother of the bride in a pink dressand wearing the lipstick.” Yet he kept talking to Kitty about thesensuousness of the lipstick. She realized that this was the feelthat he wanted for the ad, so she shot two versions: one the wayhe had described it to her and the other with a more sensuousfeel, using model Suzy Parker, wearing a big pink hat and pinkbracelet—nude from the waist up with her arms crossed in frontof her breasts. She presented the “mother of the bride” first, asher idea. He hated it, as she knew he would, even though it wasexactly what he had described to her. But Revson loved the sec-ond concept and told her, “It was exactly what I wanted.” Had Kitty tried to talk him out of his “mother of the bride”idea initially, he wouldn’t have listened and she might have evenlost the account. Instead, she heard what he was really saying and
  • 89. CONVINCE 67allowed him to take credit for the idea. The way to get what shewanted, and “the point of this negotiation,” according to Kitty,“was to ‘lose’ and let him think the Suzy Parker ad was what hehad wanted all along.” The Naked Pink campaign was a hugesuccess, and it helped propel her career forward.Make People ComfortableOne of the first things you should do when you negotiate is tomake your counterparts feel comfortable with you. Before shebegins settlement discussions, employment lawyer Nancy ErikaSmith makes sure the room is at the right temperature, puts outfood and coffee, and thanks everyone for coming. She wantspeople to feel comfortable so they feel free to open up. What makes people feel comfortable differs from person toperson. Feelings of comfort are often subtle and occur not onlyon the conscious but the subconscious level as well. The littlethings you do are important. Do your homework to find out whatyou need to do to make someone comfortable. For example, youmight phone the other person’s assistant and ask what the bosslikes to drink so you can have it there. If food will be served, findout about likes and, equally important, dislikes. Make the peopleyou are negotiating with feel like they belong.ACTIVE LISTENINGActive listening techniques are designed to encourage peopleto talk and tell you what they really care about. In addition toasking lots of questions, there are some specific active listeningtechniques that you can use to get people to open up to you. Active listening is the process of encouraging someone toengage in conversation. Eight basic active listening techniques aredescribed below: attending, reflecting back, clarifying, encourag-ing, acknowledging effort, recognizing feelings, using silence, and
  • 90. 68 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGsummarizing. Each of these techniques will help you gather infor-mation that will assist you in understanding what is important tothe people with whom you are negotiating: • Attending: This technique consists of demonstrating your interest through your body language, facial expression, and gestures to encourage someone to continue speaking. The following are a few ways that you can use body language to show interest: Sit or stand directly facing the person you are speaking with while maintaining an open posture. Lean for- ward. Look the person in the eye. Nod your head and smile. Attending can be used by itself or in conjunction with other active listening techniques. • Reflecting back: Reflecting back is paraphrasing, in your own words, your understanding of what has been said. This tech- nique is particularly useful if you are uncertain about what someone is saying. Paraphrasing enables you to determine whether or not you have accurately understood what was said, and it encourages the speaker to continue talking. Some phrases that can be used when you are reflecting back are “So what you’re saying is . . . ,” “Let me see if I understand cor- rectly, . . . ,” “In other words, . . . ,” and “It sounds like . . .” • Clarifying: This is simply asking for more information when something is not clear or you want a better understanding of what has been said. “What do you mean by that?” is a typi- cal clarifying question. • Encouraging: This technique uses encouraging comments to get someone to continue talking. In addition to nonver- bal attending gestures such as nodding your head, smiling, leaning forward and looking someone in the eye, interject phrases like “I see,” “Really,” “That’s interesting,” or even “Uh huh!” These phrases encourage people to tell you more about what they are thinking and how they are feeling. Encouraging can also involve more direct invitations to con-
  • 91. CONVINCE 69 tinue, such as “Tell me more,” “Go on,” or “I’d love to hear more about that.”• Acknowledging Effort: This technique provides positive rein- forcement for what the other person does or says during the negotiation. When the speaker says something you agree with, you say things like “I see where you are coming from” or “Thats a good point.” This will encourage further efforts to find common ground with you.• Recognizing feelings: When one recognizes feelings, one seeks to determine what will motivate someone to give you what you want (their “U Perspective”), by exploring how a person feels about what is going on. People’s U Perspectives are subjective and are often based on emotions. Feelings reveal critical aspects of what is important to someone. Saying things like “I see that you’re angry” or “I am sorry that this seems to be upsetting you” are ways you can bring someone’s feelings out into the open. Simply asking people how they feel about an issue is likely to reveal something about what they care about. It is frequently necessary to deal with certain feelings, such as anger, before one can get down to determining facts and developing solutions.• Using silence: Sometimes, in order to elicit more of a response from someone, pause and simply say nothing. If you wait a few seconds, most people take this as a cue to “fill the conversation gap.” Just as nature abhors a vacuum, most people are uncomfortable with silence. Therefore, simply remaining silent, after someone has completed a thought, will often cause him or her to continue speaking. Most of us will say something, anything, just to fill the void. When you remain quiet, people will usually continue talking and provide you with additional valuable information. Try this at home with your spouse or significant other. Ask a general question. Then, after he or she responds, just remain silent and continue to look directly at him or her, smiling and
  • 92. 70 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING nodding. Even if the person appears to be finished, after a brief pause, he or she will inevitably continue with his or her answer. Using silence can be an especially effective way to elicit useful information. • Summarizing: Use the summarizing technique when you want to make sure you and the person with whom you are speaking understand what has been said or agreed upon. Summarize what was said, and ask if your understanding is correct. This prevents misunderstandings and will help you gain insight into what the other person is thinking. Summarizing is also a good way to confirm that you have actually reached an agreement. In addition, it can be used as a technique to close a deal. For example, let’s say someone told you that he or she liked what you were proposing but needed to have work on the proposed project completed by the end of next month for it to be worth pursuing. You could then use the summarizing technique as a way of closing the deal by stating: “So, if I could guarantee you that we could complete the project by the end of next month, everything else would be acceptable?” It doesn’t do much good to listen, however, if you don’t acton what you hear. Don’t be afraid to stray from what you hadplanned to say if you get signals that the other side is not recep-tive to the approach you are taking. Moreover, nothing worksbetter than incorporating what the other side says into your pro-posal. You can achieve many of your objectives just by listeningcarefully to what is being said and agreeing to those points thatare helpful. That is why it is always best to listen first.PURPOSEFUL QUESTIONINGGood negotiators ask different types of questions, for differentpurposes from open-ended, information-gathering questions tofocused questions intended to lead someone to a specific conclu-
  • 93. CONVINCE 71sion. The two primary reasons for asking questions during nego-tiations are to get information and to support your argument.How you ask a question will depend on what you are trying toachieve.Ask Open-Ended QuestionsAsk open-ended questions if your goal is to obtain information orto find out what the other person is thinking. Open-ended ques-tions can’t be answered with a yes or a no. They usually beginwith who, what, where, when, why, or how. Open-ended questionsallow wide latitude as to responses. Their unstructured natureoften enables you to find out what the real issues are and how youmight satisfactorily resolve them. Open-ended questions such as“Tell me how you reached that conclusion” can also give you aninsight into how someone else thinks. Often, asking the right question at the right time can give youthe information you need to completely turn around a negotia-tion. I recall one such situation, which I described in my previousbook. I was practicing law, representing an executive who wastaking a job with a new company and being asked to relocatefrom California to Connecticut. We had worked out the majorissues—salary, bonus, stock options—to his satisfaction. Thenew company had a generous relocation policy, but it providedfor only a 30-day temporary living allowance. My client’s daugh-ter was a senior in high school, and he was not going to move hisfamily until after she graduated. So he asked the company to payhis temporary living expenses for one year. The company repre-sentatives insisted that they could not deviate from their reloca-tion policy. My client was equally adamant and felt that if thecompany was taking such a bureaucratic approach to his request,it was probably not a place where he would want to work. Justwhen I thought the deal was about to fall through, I asked a ques-tion that allowed us to successfully conclude the negotiation.
  • 94. 72 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING What was this brilliantly insightful question? It was simply“Why?” More specifically, I told the vice president of humanresources that I couldn’t understand why we were arguing aboutthis issue. He explained that the relocation policy was written thatway because the company had been burned by a senior executivewho, after being paid temporary living expenses for well over ayear, could not get his wife to move and rejoined his previous com-pany. Having been embarrassed once, the vice president was notabout to ask for another exception to the policy. Understanding hisreasons for refusing our seemingly reasonable request enabled usto readily resolve the problem. We agreed that if my client did notmove his family to Connecticut, he would repay the company forhis temporary living expenses. This allowed the vice president toask for, and receive, a modification to the relocation policy withoutthe fear of looking foolish if things didn’t work out. One purpose of asking open-ended questions is to keep theother side talking. The more people talk, the more likely they areto provide valuable information. An added benefit is that it helpsyou develop a relationship with the other side, which, in and ofitself, is helpful. When you ask questions of others, people feelthat you are working with them to find solutions, not negotiatingagainst them.Ask for HelpActing as if you don’t understand something is another way ofgetting information. If you ask lots of questions and seem to needassistance, others feel a natural inclination to help. When youappear to be seeking help, people’s defenses will drop, and theymay unintentionally provide you with information that helps youmake your case. For example, let’s say you’re looking to buy an antique tablethat has been advertised for $10,000. You meet with the owner
  • 95. CONVINCE 73and offer her $5,000. When she declines your offer, you say,“Even though I probably can’t afford it, just so I know for thefuture, what would be a good price for a table like that?” Youare now in a different position—no longer a serious buyer buta neophyte collector seeking to tap her expertise. Although shemight reply “$10,000,” you are equally likely to get a more help-ful response along the lines of, “You might get one for $8,500 ifyou’re lucky.” Whereupon you can ask, “If I can get that muchcash together, would you consider selling it to me?” Be careful how and when you use this technique, though.Never overuse it. Limit this approach to people who would beexpected to be more knowledgeable than you. Otherwise, it willundermine your credibility because people will begin to see whatyou are doing as disingenuous.Ask “Why?”As mentioned above, often the most useful question you can askis “Why?” Asking why works particularly well as a response tostatements such as, “We can’t agree to that” or “That wouldbe contrary to policy.” When you ask, “Why can’t you agreeto that?” or “Why do you have that policy?” you are callingfor a reasoned response. After you are given a reason, you canmake a case that the reason is not applicable in this instance.Alternatively, you have an opportunity to satisfy the other side’sobjections.Repeat Back in Question FormAnother way to ask why is to use a variation on the reflectingback technique described above. Simply repeat what has justbeen said, but in question form. For example, if you are nego-tiating with a distributor with a New York–based sales force
  • 96. 74 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGto distribute your product in the Northeast and the distributorwants exclusive rights to sell your product throughout the UnitedStates, you might use this technique as follows: DISTRIBUTOR: We want the exclusive rights to sell the prod- uct throughout the United States. YOU: But you have no sales network outside the Northeast. DISTRIBUTOR: We figure we’ll be able to build one over the next few years. YOU: You figure you’ll be able to build one over the next few years?Simply reflecting back the other side’s own words when a pro-posal is not reasonable can be extremely effective. Similarly,when people make unqualified statements such as, “We never dothat,” a simple “Never?” will force them to either confirm thatthis is really the case or, more likely, cause them to retreat tosomething like, “Except in very unusual circumstances.” If youget that kind of admission, you are well on your way to makingyour case because now you know what argument to make: thatyours are unusual circumstances requiring an exception to thenormal practice. Once people concede that exceptions have beenmade in the past, it becomes much harder for them to claim thatyou don’t deserve similar treatment.Answer Questions with QuestionsSometimes you can answer a question with a question. If youdon’t want to respond to a particular question or you want tounderstand why someone is asking a particular question, you canrespond by asking, “Well, what do you think?” If you do this toooften, you may appear evasive and argumentative, but using thisapproach sparingly can be effective.
  • 97. CONVINCE 75Ask What He or She Would DoFinally, if you find yourself at an impasse, you can always ask theother side what they would do if they were in your position. Thiscan sometimes completely change the dynamics of the negotia-tions by forcing the other side to come up with a solution to theproblem, rather than trying to convince you that there is no prob-lem. In doing so, a solution may emerge that would be acceptableto you or could be made so with slight modification. USING PURPOSEFUL QUESTIONS To criticize: “Have you solved that problem yet?” To cause someone to think: “How effective are your current advisors?” To educate: “Were you aware that . . .?” To close: “When do you want to close?” To bring the parties together: “What if I could . . .?” To change someone’s perspective: “What would you do in my position?” To test: “Can you do better than that?” To deal with rejection: “What part of my offer works for you?”Use Questions to PersuadeAuthor and former CNN executive Gail Evans recommendsusing questions as a way of making your argument: It’s like negotiating with a two-year-old. No one can be more positional than a two-year-old. But you can negotiate around his or her technique. You never ask a question that can be answered with a no. If you can do that with a two-year-old, you can do it with a 40-year-old.
  • 98. 76 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING Golf course executive Cathy Harbin frequently uses questionsto make a point when she is negotiating with men who want tohold tournaments at the top-ranked courses she manages. Forexample, if someone comes and blusters, “I want to have a tour-nament and pay $50 per person in greens fees. I want to bringdonated beverages, and I also want a 20 percent discount on foodand merchandise,” she will repeat what was just said to her:“You want to pay $50 per person in greens fees, to bring donatedbeverages, and you also want a 20 percent discount on food andmerchandise.” Then she will ask, “Do you really think that isfair?” and wait silently for a response. That normally results inthe prospective customer telling her what he really wants. Forexample, he might reply, “Well, what I really need is a $50 greensfee.” Once she has that information, it’s relatively easy to workout a deal acceptable to everyone. Cathy also uses questions to make a point when a good golfer,usually a man who has never run a tournament, comes in tonegotiate on behalf of his company or a charitable organization.Because he has played in a few tournaments, he may think heknows all about them. He may even believe he knows more aboutrunning tournaments than Cathy could because she is a woman.Cathy could tell him, when he asks for a $35 greens fee, that “hedoesn’t have a clue.” She is sometimes tempted to do just that,but, if she did, she probably wouldn’t get his business. So shesubtly educates him by asking questions. The conversation mightgo something like this: GOLFER: At the last tournament I played in, they charged a $35 greens fee. Cathy: Where was it held? GOLFER: At Joe’s Fleabag Motel and Golf Emporium. CATHY: Is that a lot like our courses? GOLFER: Not exactly.
  • 99. CONVINCE 77 CATHY: I see. Well, have you run tournaments before? GOLFER: Not really, but my club runs one, and I was on the committee last year. CATHY: OK, what type of format do you want to use? GOLFER: I don’t know. What would you suggest? CATHY: Well, if most of the golfers are not in your league, maybe you should go with a scramble-and-play-best-ball. What types of contests do you want to have? GOLFER: I hadn’t thought about that. How about closest to the pin? How many should we have? What do you suggest? CATHY: Maybe you might also want a longest-drive contest? Do you want the beverage cart charged to the master account, or do you want the golfers to pay as they go? GOLFER: I don’t know. What do other companies do? Soon the golfer realizes that he doesn’t know as much aboutrunning tournaments as he thought. At the same time, Cathymakes it clear to him that her goal is to help make sure the eventis a huge success. By the time they get down to negotiating priceand the other details, their relationship has become more a col-laboration about designing a great event while staying within theorganization’s budget than a negotiation about price.ANCHORINGThe idea that we can affect how people value something under-lies the concept of anchoring. People typically determine valueby looking for an anchor point and then making adjustmentsfrom that starting point. Thus, where you begin the discussionoften determines where you end. Keeping this psychologicalphenomenon in mind will not only help you develop your ini-
  • 100. 78 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGtial proposal but also will help you understand when and howto offer concessions. For ease of illustration, we will talk abouthow the anchoring concept applies in the context of determiningprice. However, whether a discussion involves price or time orquality, you can impact how people value something by the wayyou present it to them. An example of this can be seen in the way an employer decideswhat salary to offer a job candidate. Normally the individual’scurrent compensation is used as the anchor in determining whatto offer. For a job that doesn’t constitute a promotion nor requirerelocation, a company will typically offer a 10 to 15 percentincrease over the person’s current salary, an amount that wouldordinarily be sufficient to motivate someone to change jobs. Evenif a prospective employer recognizes that someone is grosslyunderpaid, that individual’s current salary will still be used asan anchor. The company will then make adjustments from thatstarting point to take into consideration that its starting point islow. In that case, the offer might be increased slightly to, say, 20percent above the individual’s current salary, still much less thanthe market rate for the position. If the employer did not knowwhat the candidate was currently earning, however, it would haveto look to the market rate in determining what to offer the can-didate. On the other hand, if a candidate has another job offer,that becomes the anchor to which a prospective employer looksin deciding what salary to offer. In that case, the candidate’s cur-rent salary becomes irrelevant, with the competing offer servingas the anchor in determining what salary to offer. The outcome you achieve often depends on what you select asyour anchor. For instance, as discussed in Chapter 10, if you arepurchasing a new car and allow the salesperson to use the stickerprice as the anchor, you will end up with a very different resultthan if you start negotiating based on what the dealer paid for thevehicle. That information is not only useful but it is also readilyavailable on the Internet. Similarly, when you go to a flea mar-
  • 101. CONVINCE 79ket or an antique shop, the price that is placed on the item willaffect what you believe it is worth. Let’s say you are looking for acertain type of antique table. You go to antique show, and thereacross the room you spot the exact table you are looking for.Based on your research, you know tables like this are selling forbetween $4,000 and $5,000. What are you thinking of offeringfor the table? $3,200? $3,500? If, when you get to the table, theprice the owner has placed on it is $5,500, will that affect yourinitial offer? What if the price listed for the table were $3,000?If the table were priced at $300, however, you would probablynot buy it at all because you’d think the table was not really thequality you were looking for. Empirical research supports the powerful effect anchoringcan have on how people process information. Participants in onestudy were given a random number and then asked whether thenumber of African countries that were members of the UnitedNations was greater or less than that number. Then they wereasked to estimate the percentage of UN members that were Afri-can. Even though the participants knew the number they hadbeen given was chosen randomly, it still had a substantial impacton the estimates they gave. For example, the median estimatefrom participants who were given the number 10 was 25 percentas compared to 45 percent for those given the number 65. Evenpaying the participants based on the accuracy of their estimatesdid not change the impact of the anchoring effect. Anchoring can be used not only to influence price but also toinfluence what someone is willing to agree to in terms of a dead-line. If you need something quickly, how you anchor your initialrequest will have a significant effect on how quickly you actuallyget what you are asking for. As you can see, value is as much psychological as it is real.Convince takes that into account in order to influence the out-come. Who makes the first offer can also play a critical role indetermining what anchor the parties will eventually use. So who
  • 102. 80 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGshould make the first offer? If you are able to determine with afair degree of certainty what the reasonable range of possible out-comes is, then you should make the first offer. That way, you setthe anchor. This is normally the situation when you are buying acar because if you have done your homework, you know what thedealer paid for the car. That is why Kitty Van Bortel, the ownerof one of the largest Subaru dealerships in the country, adviseswomen, when they are buying a car, to do their research and,then simply tell the salesperson what they are willing to pay. If you are facing a situation, such as an employment negotiation,in which the range of possible outcomes is less clear, try to get theother side to make the first offer. Otherwise, what you proposemay be much less than what the other side would have offeredhad you allowed them to go first. On the other hand, you mightask for too much and price yourself out of consideration. This isa no-win situation for you. Unless you let the company make thefirst offer, you will end up asking for either too little or too much.There is one exception to this rule: If the person with whom youare negotiating is already looking at an anchor that is too low, youneed to change the point of reference. For example, if your cur-rent salary is significantly below market and you have made themistake of divulging exactly what you are earning, then you don’twant the prospective employer to make the first offer. Rather, youmust change the anchor. As discussed in Chapter 9, one solution isto provide information about the market rate for the position andmake it clear that you expect to be paid at market. In that way,the market rate becomes the new anchor. Even better, get an offerfrom another company because that offer will become the newanchor and your current salary then becomes irrelevant. Anchoring high is just as important when you are negotiatingwith your children as it is in business. Mothers know that instinc-tively. Donna Lagani, publishing director for the CosmopolitanGroup, describes how we do this with our children, beginningat a very early age. When discussing bedtime with her four-year-old, she sets her expectations high. If he says, “Mommy, can I
  • 103. CONVINCE 81stay up for another 15 minutes?” she will reply, “Another 5 min-utes.” If he says, “How about 10?” she will reply, “You are backto zero”—whereupon he will say, “I’ll take 5.” Or as Lisa Gersch,president of strategic initiatives at NBC Universal, states: “Whenmy 10-year-old wants to stay up until 10 o’clock and I am at 9,I know I will end up at 9:30.” As your children get older, thesediscussions become more sophisticated, but the need to manageexpectations by using appropriate anchors remains the same. In addition, how you frame an issue often determines the out-come of a discussion. There is a television commercial that asks, “Ifyou were required to hold each for at least five years, which wouldyou rather have, $1,000 in gold or $1,000 in cash?” When it isframed that way, the answer to the question is, of course, the gold.The value of the dollar will likely erode because of inflation, whilethe value of gold has a chance of appreciating. Once having led thelistener to that realization, the advertisers hope that you will notonly rush right out and buy gold but that you will buy it from them.Looked at in that light, buying gold would seem to make a lot ofsense. However, your choices are not limited to buying gold or keep-ing your cash under the mattress. You can buy gold or real estateor stocks or bonds or a myriad of other investments. Looked at thatway, buying gold may not seem like such a good idea after all. If the value of things cannot be readily ascertained, anchorsoften play a determinative role in how we value them. Normally,the higher sellers set initial prices, the more they will end up get-ting for items. This leads to a basic rule of negotiating: Alwaysask for more than you expect to get. The higher you start, themore you will get. There is one basic exception to that rule: pric-ing something clearly beyond what any reasonable person wouldpay for it can inhibit any further negotiations.Set a Reasonable AnchorTo be accepted, anchors must be reasonable. Consider how youwould react if you put your house on the market for $250,000
  • 104. 82 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING(a price you thought was reasonable, if perhaps a bit high), andsomeone offered you $100,000. You would dismiss the offer asridiculous, reject it out of hand, and not even bother making acounteroffer. If you were offered $240,000, though, you wouldprobably enter into negotiations with the prospective buyer. Inter-estingly, if you set your price at $255,000—still within a rangethat would be considered reasonable—you would probably endup selling the house for more. The same basic principle applies tocounteroffers. So, if instead of the buyer offering $240,000, he orshe offers $237,500, the buyer will probably end up paying lessfor the house. So it is always in your interest to anchor your offeror your response at the upper end for the seller or at the lowerend for the buyer, of what would be considered reasonable. How do you determine the range of reasonable possible out-comes normally referred to as the negotiating range? That dependson the nature of the negotiation. We talk about how to determinethe negotiating range in specific situations in later chapters, whichdeal with buying a car, negotiating your salary, buying or sellinga home, and negotiating a divorce. In general, you determine thereasonable negotiating range by looking at what others have agreedto in similar circumstances. What have comparable houses in thearea sold for recently? What have women been awarded in ali-mony in similar situations? What pay do workers with equivalentskill and experience receive? How much do comparably equippedcars sell for? Answering these questions will give you the reason-able negotiating range. The Internet offers a wealth of informationthat can help you determine reasonable negotiating ranges in termsof salaries, home prices, and car costs. You can also get data fromknowledgeable people in the relevant field—real estate brokers,divorce lawyers, and corporate recruiters. People you know whohave recently engaged in similar transactions can provide usefulinformation as well. Remember, you get to choose the anchor that works to your bestadvantage as long as you can justify your choice. For example, inChapter 10 we suggest that you anchor your offer to purchase a
  • 105. CONVINCE 83car to the dealer’s cost plus a small profit. Similarly, in setting youranchor when buying in a weak housing market, you might take thelowest price paid for a comparable house in the area and lower itby a certain percentage to reflect the softening market. If you are faced with someone who anchors an offer too high,you should refuse to accept the anchor. If you respond to ananchor that is too high by giving a reasonable counteroffer, youwill eventually find that you are either paying too much or thatyou cannot arrive at an agreement. These outcomes are rooted inhow we normally negotiate and in our general concepts of fair-ness. When we negotiate, we tend to resolve issues by “splittingthe difference.” Therefore, if one person anchors the negotiationtoo high, even though we recognize that fact, we still end up offer-ing at some point to split the difference. Perhaps that split will notbe 50/50, but if the other side starts very high, they can concedemore and still end up better off than if they had started off with areasonable offer and ultimately split the difference evenly. As an example, suppose you respond to the offer of $100,000for your house by countering with a reasonable counteroffer of$240,000, which is at the bottom of the range of reasonablevalues for the house. If the buyer now comes back with an offerof $225,000 for the house, your conversation might proceed asfollows: YOU: I won’t go below $240,000. Buyer: Tell you what I’m going to do. I’ll offer you $230,000, but that is it. YOU: The house is worth $240,000. BUYER: Look, I’ve made huge concessions to you. We’re not that far apart. Why don’t we just split the difference? YOU: $240,000 is a fair price. SELLER: You’re being unreasonable. I’m willing to move. Meet me halfway.
  • 106. 84 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGEventually, you will either give in and sell the house for less than$240,000 because you rationalize that it is not that big a differ-ence or you won’t make the sale. Even if you don’t agree to aneven split, you will still sell the house for less than you could havegotten if you had refused to accept the initial offer. That is thebest response to an unreasonable offer. Insist that you get a fair offer to begin with, or refuse to con-sider it. There are many ways you can do this and still keep thedoor open for the other person to come back with a reasonableoffer. You can say, “Could you tell me how you came up with thatoffer?” If the other party cannot give you a satisfactory reason,you can say, “Perhaps you might want to go back and rethinkyour offer,” or you could simply say, “I’d be happy to considera reasonable offer if you come back with one, but I can’t evenconsider what you’re offering.” If the other side asks what you arelooking for, you can respond, “The asking price is very reason-able, and that’s what I’m looking for.” Finally, you can use humorto make your point. For example, you might say, “If you think$100,000 is reasonable, perhaps I should counter with an offerof $350,000. That way we can both have a good laugh and thenmeet again when we’re in a more serious mood.” Whatever youdo, though, you should not respond to an unreasonable offer bymaking a concession from your initial position.DELIVERING YOUR MESSAGEIf you have done a good job of listening and have asked the rightquestions, you will have laid the groundwork for delivering yourmessage persuasively. Convincing is not just about the substanceof your message, though; it is also about the messenger and howthe message is presented. Put differently, your ability to persuadeothers to want to do what you are proposing depends not onlyon what you say (content) but also on how you say it (tone) and
  • 107. CONVINCE 85on how you come across while you’re saying it (body language).Although the content of your message is important, research hasshown that how that message is delivered can be as important asthe actual message itself.Let People Know That You Are the Person with WhomThey Want or Need to NegotiateWomen, particularly young women, often need to demonstratetheir “ legitimacy.” That is, they need to show the people that theyare dealing with that they have authority to reach agreement.Failure to do so will undermine your ability to gain concessions.If the people with whom you are negotiating believe that if yousay no, they have recourse to take up the issue with someone else,your effectiveness as a negotiator will be undermined. When Cari Dominguez, former chair of the Equal Employ-ment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), was a young complianceofficer at the Department of Labor, she was conducting an auditof a textile company in North Carolina. After she completed theaudit, she presented her findings to a group of male executivesand lawyers representing the company. Her investigation hadrevealed that the company had engaged in discriminatory prac-tices by denying women the ability to be promoted into certainpositions. When that determination was shared with the group,the response was both instantaneous and heated. The group’sspokesperson stated that the reason women weren’t in those posi-tions was that they did not want those jobs, and he demanded toknow how his company could go about appealing her findings.Dominguez calmly explained to him that if they didn’t like herconclusions, they could appeal them by writing to her supervisor.However, she went on to explain that she would normally be theperson who drafted the response for her supervisor to review andsign. Soon thereafter settlement negotiations with her were initi-
  • 108. 86 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGated, and a resolution satisfactory to the Department of Laborwas eventually reached.Craft Your Message CarefullyConstruct your message the way your ninth-grade English teachertaught you to write essays, with a theme, arguments in supportof that theme, facts to buttress those arguments, and a structurefor presenting them in a persuasive way.Develop a ThemeAfter you marshal your facts, develop your proposal, and determineyour best arguments, you must pull them together with a theme.Every negotiation should have a theme that serves as an organiz-ing principle around which to structure the negotiations, and everyelement of your message should relate back to that theme. Tailor the theme to the people you are trying to persuade. Youcan do this in one of two ways. First, you can appeal to theirself-interest. This is the type of appeal that usually comes to mindwhen we think of negotiations. Appeals of this type are basedon what the other party wants or needs. It focuses on the otherparty’s interests. For example, your appeal could be, “If you giveme a raise, you will have my undying loyalty and hard work, andsomeone who can help you get the promotion you are hopingfor.” You could present the same arguments in the negative—“If you don’t give me that raise, I’ll leave, thereby depriving youof a loyal, hard-working employee whom you really need to getthat promotion you want”—but arguments should generally bephrased positively. It is far more convincing to be for somethingthan against something. This is why people who oppose abortiondescribe themselves as “pro-life” rather than as “anti-abortion.” Second, you can appeal to their values. Under certain circum-stances, you may want to appeal to a sense of fairness or to focus on
  • 109. CONVINCE 87how your proposal benefits others (for example, a charity). Appealsto values include taking advantage of human tendencies to wantwhat other people want (introducing competition) and to valuethings that are hard to get (timing your concessions). To appeal toothers’ values, you must understand what matters to them. That iswhy it is so important to find out everything you can about the peo-ple with whom you are dealing. Appeals to values can be particu-larly successful with family members or friends. Appealing to theirgenerosity or desire to help will often have the desired impact. When Lisa Caputo, now executive vice president of global mar-keting and corporate affairs at Citigroup and CEO of Citi’s Women& Co. business, was press secretary to First Lady Hillary RodhamClinton, she used just such an appeal to the values of the journal-ists covering the White House to convince them to respect ChelseaClinton’s privacy. In early 1993, for example, Mike Myers did a skiton Saturday Night Live making fun of Chelsea, who was 13 at thetime. Lisa contacted NBC, but rather than trying to threaten orbully them, she appealed, as she later did with other journalists, totheir human side. She appealed to them as parents: “Chelsea is justa kid. She did not run for office. She deserves as normal a child-hood as possible under the circumstances. That’s what you wouldwant for your children, wouldn’t you?” Although this issue aroseperiodically throughout the Clinton presidency, by and large, thisappeal to values worked with the members of the press. As to theMike Myers incident, he sent a letter apologizing, and NBC basi-cally left Chelsea alone over the next eight years. Themes are particularly important if you are dealing with peo-ple who represent organizations, whether the federal governmentor the local PTA, because you must not only satisfy the negotiators’agenda but also help them to sell the agreement to the members ofthe organization. My early experience as a labor negotiator taughtme the importance of using themes. I learned to keep them simpleand to make them ring true to my intended audience. For example,
  • 110. 88 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGduring one union negotiation when I was with Macy’s during the1980s, we chose the theme of “competitiveness.” We argued thatwe needed to cut costs and become more efficient in the face ofnonunion competitors. We highlighted the benefits of our becom-ing more competitive—the union would be able to preserve jobsand increase members’ salaries. To buttress this theme, we pointedto all the unionized retailers who had gone out of business in theprior 10 years, and we justified every proposal in terms of how itwould make us more competitive. In the end, the union agreed,though reluctantly, to many of our proposals and was able to sellthem to its membership. The need to create a theme applies to personal situations aswell. Former Macy’s executive G. G. Michelson also started hercareer as a labor negotiator. At a time when there were veryfew female labor negotiators, she bargained with union leaderslike Ron Carey, who later became president of the InternationalTeamsters Union, and Peter Brennan, who later became secretaryof the U.S. Department of Labor. However, the negotiation sherecounts most proudly was convincing her father to let her goto law school. She had just graduated from college, and in thosedays, very few women attended law school. Her father firmlybelieved that, although it was all right for G. G. to work, hergoal should be marriage and a family. That being the case, herattending law school didn’t make a lot of sense to him. So shedeveloped a theme that was consistent with his view of marriageand family. She tried to persuade him that, since she had gradu-ated from college at 19, she needed additional credentials to findmeaningful work, even if only until she got married. She addedthat a law degree would help prepare her for a lifetime of usefulwork, even though it might be interrupted while she was raisinga family. She succeeded in convincing her father because shenever sought to challenge his core values or to change his viewson marriage and family. Instead, she persuaded him that whatshe wanted was consistent with those values.
  • 111. CONVINCE 89 Consider the psychological needs of those with whom you arenegotiating, what we refer to as their “U Perspective,” to deter-mine what will motivate them to want to reach an agreement.Figure out what is preventing them from making a deal. Onceyou understand their motivation, you can develop a theme thatmeets those needs or overcomes those obstacles. When attorney Nancy Erica Smith is trying to settle an employ-ment dispute, she always listens for the underlying “subtexts”—thatis, the unstated obstacles to settlement—and tries to determinewhat the other side needs to save face. Many times, she says,money is not the impediment. The parties can usually figure outwhat a case is worth. Often, however, the person who initiallymade the decision being challenged, usually a termination, has asay in whether or not to settle. Even if this person is not directlyinvolved in the settlement discussions, he or she may try to blocka settlement because in his or her mind, settling equates to admit-ting to having done something wrong. When this situation arises,Nancy may try to develop a theme that places the blame on some-one else. For example, she may fault someone else for withhold-ing key information from the person who made the terminationdecision. This allows the decision maker to settle the case withouthaving to admit doing anything wrong.Highlight the Benefits to the Other Party, andRepeat Them FrequentlyBuild your case around your chosen theme, which should high-light the benefits to the other side and what they value. Whetheryou are negotiating a million-dollar movie deal or deciding whichmovie to see with your husband, keep coming back to why yourproposal will benefit the other side. Describe the benefits in dif-ferent ways, and repeat your arguments to reinforce them. Thereis a saying in advertising: “Tell them what you are going to say.Say it. Then tell them what you just said.”
  • 112. 90 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGBe HonestPeople usually can tell if you are not being truthful. Your body lan-guage tends to give you away. Even if it doesn’t, sooner or later youwill probably forget what lies you have told and get tripped up. Ifyou get caught in a lie while negotiating, you will lose all credibility.This does not mean that you’re obligated to blurt out everythingyou are thinking and feeling. Instead, you can emphasize thosepoints that support your position, you can phrase what you saycarefully, and you can describe things in the light most favorableto your position—all these are part and parcel of the art of persua-sion. But never lie. It’s not only wrong; it’s ineffective as well.Structure Your Argument to Emphasize Your Strongest PointsOnce you decide on your message’s content, determine the mosteffective way to present it. Structure counts. Have a powerfulbeginning and a strong ending. Generally, if the points you aremaking will grab the other side’s attention, you should bringthem up early in the process. That is why sales pitches often startout with interesting facts or statistics. For example, a typical salespitch might begin: “Did you know that U.S. teenagers between13 and 16 spend $3 billion annually on clothing?” If the important part of your argument is not particularlyinteresting or conveys information that the other party mayresist or reject, you should build up to and end with it. Avoidburying important information in the middle of your messageunless you hope to keep the other party from focusing on it. Thesame thought process applies to the order in which you wantto approach various issues during a negotiation. Ordinarily, itis best to start with the easy issues and build up to the moredifficult ones. That gives you a chance to develop a relationshipand to see how the other side operates. At other times, however,you may want to talk through all the issues first before tryingto resolve any of them. If time is an issue and you already have
  • 113. CONVINCE 91a relationship, you may want to try to solve the principal issuesfirst because the others will probably then fall quickly into line.Remember, your strongest points are those that demonstrate thebenefits of what you are proposing to the other side and are con-sistent with what they value.Tailor Your Arguments to Your Intended AudienceBesides deciding on your most powerful arguments, you alsowant to consider which ones will play best to the people withwhom you are negotiating. Present your argument in terms theywill understand and relate to. Dr. Dee Soder, founder and man-aging partner of the CEO Perspective Group, warns against fall-ing into the trap of assuming that because you see something in aparticular way, others will automatically see it the same way. Forexample, just because you are persuaded by logic does not meanthat those with whom you are dealing will also be persuaded bylogic. They may be more open to an emotional appeal. Preparation can play a critical role in determining how you canbest present your argument. Jan Hopkins describes one situationin which knowing her audience enabled her to gain the network’sagreement to take on outside projects. She was scheduled to meetwith the head of the network to discuss renewing her contractwhen she was anchoring CNN’s Street Sweep. Due to prevailingeconomic conditions, she felt that she had gotten about as muchas she could in terms of salary, so she sought permission to workon outside projects that didn’t interfere with her work at CNN.To find out how best to approach the topic with her boss, Janspoke to his assistant, who suggested that, because the CEO wasvery bright and creative, it was usually best not to go in advocat-ing a specific proposal. Rather, the assistant advised Jan to justbring up the problem, throw out some ideas, get him thinkingabout it, and then let him come back with a solution. That washow she handled the discussion, and it worked like a charm.
  • 114. 92 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGLead, Don’t LectureJan’s story illustrates a fundamental principle of persuasion:whenever possible, try to lead other parties to the conclusion youwant them to reach rather than just telling them. As discussedabove, one way to do this is by asking questions. If the conclusionis complex, however, or the people with whom you are negotiat-ing fail to get the point, you may have to lay out the conclusionfor them. Similarly, if your intended audience starts out froma position antagonistic to yours, you may need to spell out inexplicit terms why it’s in their interest to agree to your proposal.If your argument is complex, try to break it down into its com-ponent parts. The simpler the argument, the more powerful itis. This is called the “KISS formula”—“Keep It Simple, Stupid.”That is sound advice.Anticipate ObjectionsIt is also a good idea to anticipate the other side’s objections bypresenting both sides of the argument. That way, you can showwhy your position is the better one. Moreover, anticipating objec-tions reduces the impact of those arguments when they are even-tually made. Another rhetorical device that is a very effective toolof persuasion is to “violate the other party’s expectations.” Forinstance, stating something that is not in your own self-interestand that you have not been forced to concede can have a verypowerful effect. Not only does that point become more believablebut the rest of your argument gains credibility as well.Use Experts to Support Your PositionsYou may also choose to support your arguments by relying onexperts or others whose opinions are respected by those withwhom you are negotiating. Adding the weight of experts has tre-mendous psychological impact, and you can use experts to greateffect in your personal as well as your business dealings. For
  • 115. CONVINCE 93example, when Gina Doynow, North American community rela-tions director for Citigroup, was decorating her apartment, shethought that a brown rug would go nicely in the living room. Herhusband, however, had always hated brown. He would not evenlook at a brown rug. So she brought in their decorator, whosetaste her husband respected. The decorator persuaded him tolook at brown rugs, and today their living room features a beau-tiful brown rug—that her husband loves. Similarly, when G. G.Michelson was trying to convince her father to allow her to go tolaw school, she sought the help of two of her father’s friends whowere lawyers. They told her father that they thought she wouldmake a great lawyer. Having the support of people her fatherrespected had a psychological impact that far exceeded whateverspecific point they made on her behalf. A similar effect is achieved by presenting someone with a printedform or contract, or by citing a policy set forth in a policy manual.Like using an expert, basing your position on something “authori-tative” provides the appearance of objectivity and makes it seemas if you are powerless to change your position. This tendency todefer to something “authoritative” is referred to as the doctrine oflegitimacy. When someone tells you, “That is the way it is alwaysdone,” it is intended to have the same effect. While you may wantto take advantage of this human tendency when negotiating withothers, keep in mind that even if an expert says something or itis printed in a manual, you do not have to agree. You can alwaysbring in your own expert, print up your own forms, or simplydisagree. And, of course, you can respond to “This is the way it isalways done” with “Well, we always do it this way.” Visual aids can also add legitimacy and authority to your posi-tion. Printed handouts, professional-looking PowerPoint presen-tations, models, and other “props” will add credibility to yourarguments. They also provide you with another psychologicalbenefit: most of the time, when people are listening to an argu-ment, they are already thinking about their response rather thantrying to understand what is really being said. Not only do visual
  • 116. 94 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGaids add legitimacy to an argument but they also force listenersto concentrate on what you are saying. Instead of thinking abouttheir counterarguments, your listeners will focus their attentionon your visual aids in order to understand them. This will assistyou in getting your points across.Be Aware of How You Look When You Are DeliveringYour MessagePeople who believe in what they are saying project an air of con-fidence. When you appear confident, others generally perceivewhat you are saying as more credible. We equate honesty andcredibility with appearing relaxed, taking center stage, standingor sitting up straight, looking people in the eye, moving towardyour audience, and projecting your voice. Although some peoplecan appear totally confident even when they are not telling thetruth and others come across as nervous and unsure even whenthey are being truthful, unconsciously people evaluate yourcredibility based on how you present yourself, as well as on thestrength of your arguments. So, as discussed earlier, be aware ofyour body language and the image you project.Tone Is ImportantJust as important as what you say is how you say it. If you doubtthat, think about the words to the children’s lullaby “Rock-a-byeBaby”: “Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top. When the wind blows,the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,and down will come baby, cradle and all.” The words are actuallypretty gruesome, yet because of the soothing tone of the lullaby,we sing it to our children to calm them and put them to sleep. Noone pays any attention to the words. As Marshall McLuhan said,“The medium is the message.”
  • 117. CONVINCE 95 Tone is even more important when women negotiate. The gener-ally accepted wisdom is that when you deliver a message, the toneshould reinforce and be consistent with that message. However,when a woman is negotiating with a man, that may not be the bestapproach. As one senior executive we interviewed notes: As a woman, everything you say is magnified. It’s easy to appear bitchy when you are taking a tough position. The thing that takes the edge off it is your tone. You can be strident if your position is easy, but a tough position should be delivered matter- of-factly. The tougher the message, the more you need to rein back the delivery, or you will overshoot the mark. Men are expected to match the tone to the position they are taking. Women should have them move in opposite directions. Being firm in a quiet, soft-spoken manner is not only a verypowerful way to present your message but it also encouragesothers to be conciliatory. Moreover, when you are quiet but fi rm,you can use the principle of violating expectations to magnify theimpact of what you say. As mentioned earlier, if you are normallylow-key, on the rare occasions when you choose to raise yourvoice, even a little, it will have a powerful impact—more than forsomeone who constantly shouts or pounds on the table. Even if you are soft-spoken, it helps to be passionate aboutyour point of view. Lisa Caputo says that one thing she learnedfrom watching Hillary Clinton was the importance of believingin what you are saying: “Your passion can persuade others. It isalways an invaluable trait to be passionate about your beliefs andwhat you are striving for. Your passion makes your negotiatingmore credible and somewhat easier.” Cathie Black, chairman ofthe Hearst Corporation, puts it this way: If you are passionate about something, you can sell an idea. If you are passionate, it builds an inherent strength and confi- dence. All of us love to see real enthusiasm in the people around us. It is infectious. If you are enthusiastic, you will probably get more.
  • 118. 96 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING Andrea Jung, chairman and CEO of Avon Products, echoesthat sentiment: When I first joined Avon, I had big plans to transform the com- pany, but to be successful, I knew I needed to persuade 40,000 company associates as well as millions of sales representatives around the world to follow my lead. At that time, I was a mar- keter, not a motivator. In terms of my public expression, I was all “head”—all intellect. I had a big heart and strong emotions, but I kept them to myself because I was a business woman who wasn’t supposed to show emotion. But I quickly learned that to motivate and engage—in effect, to negotiate with—what is arguably the world’s largest sales organization, I had to let my passion shine through. Now I articulate vision and dreams. The facts and strategies are there—but I rely on emotion and human connections to bring people with me. People can generally tell if you really believe in what you aresaying. If you don’t, you will find it very hard to convince anyoneelse to agree with you.ADJUSTING YOUR MESSAGE AND USING CONCESSIONSEven with all the preparation in the world, we can never fullypredict how our message will be received. Negotiations by defi-nition involve at least two parties. As soon as a second party isinvolved, you can no longer anticipate what will happen with anycertainty. Your monologue becomes a dialogue. Military plannershave a saying: “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” Thatapplies to negotiations as well. You must incorporate the otherside into the process, constantly reframing your message to incor-porate their input, and satisfying their expectations. It is therefore important to manage expectations. If the otherside’s expectations are very high, no matter what you propose, itwill not be enough. You can set expectations through your argu-ments and by properly anchoring the issues. Cosmopolitan GroupPublishing Director Donna Lagani recommends that on key issuesyou set the expectations up front, using what she refers to as “bul-
  • 119. CONVINCE 97letproof statements.” For example, at the beginning of negotiationswith a potential new advertiser, she might say, “We will work withyou, but there are certain things we won’t do. We won’t give awayfree advertising space to leverage additional business.” Such state-ments take the issue off the table once and for all. If the subjectcomes up again, you can simply remind the person you are dealingwith of what you said at the start of the negotiations. You can also reduce expectations by not granting concessionstoo quickly. The harder it is to gain a concession, the more peoplevalue it. For example, a friend recently received a small raise. Itwasn’t much. Ordinarily, she would have been insulted by such apaltry increase. But it was long past the time when raises had beengiven in previous years. Because her company was seeking to reor-ganize under the bankruptcy laws, she hadn’t expected to get anyraise at all and was therefore happy with what she received. Listening is not enough; you need to respond to what is said.You can respond in one of three ways: by addressing their argu-ments, by modifying your position to better satisfy their interests,or by granting concessions. When you negotiate, you’ll normallydo all three at one time or another. Instead of focusing on where you disagree, start by emphasizingwhat you have in common. Focus on the areas where the other sideseems most receptive. Try to reach early agreements on issues towhich they respond favorably so you can develop a level of trustand cooperation. Constantly reformulate your message to reflecttheir input. Use their words wherever possible, and give themcredit for their ideas. Constantly adjust your message based on thefeedback you are receiving. If you want to win people over, allowthem to have significant input in the process. Because negotiatingis a process that requires give-and-take, allow others sufficienttime to feel that their views have been fully taken into account.Only after that occurs will it be possible to reach an agreement. Making concessions before the other side is ready to respondin kind will result only in raising their expectations. How do you
  • 120. 98 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGknow how much time is necessary? It depends on the parties’relationship and on what is at stake. But a good rule of thumbis, the more important the subject is to the other side, the moretime you should spend just talking about the issues before youmake any concessions. If you discuss all the issues and listencarefully to what those on other side are saying before you makeany concessions, you will have a better understanding of what isimportant to them. As discussed earlier, concessions are expected when you negoti-ate. If you advertise an antique desk in the newspaper for $1,000and the next morning, first thing, someone comes by and offers topay that amount, your immediate reaction will be that you pricedit too low. On the other hand, if the buyer tries to get you to sellit for $950 even if the buyer eventually agrees to pay you $1,000,you will feel that you got a fair price. Negotiating is a process thatyou can seldom short-circuit. It requires give-and-take. More oftenthan not, others will expect you to be willing to modify your initialposition, at least a little. Cultural norms dictate that if one party makes a concession,the other should respond in kind. By making a concession, youencourage others to do the same. Each time the two of you makea concession, you move closer to an agreement. You can also useconcessions when negotiations begin to bog down or when youcannot agree on a particular issue. Be careful not to make concessions too quickly, even on mat-ters that are not important to you. Because people do not valuewhat they get too easily, it is best not to make concessions tooreadily. Just because you agree to something early on doesn’tmean that the other side will respond in kind later, if the nego-tiations hit a rough spot. When it comes to concessions, peoplehave short memories. Also, always treat any concession you make as important.Otherwise, your gesture will not have its desired effect. If whatyou are offering is important to the other side, it ought to be
  • 121. CONVINCE 99important to you. Treat it that way. For example, rather thansimply agree, you might say, “I don’t know if I can do that; I’llhave to check with my boss. If I can get her to agree, would yoube willing to . . .?” Concessions should not be used in such a way as to undermineyour theme. But you can use concessions to show that you haveheard what the other side has said. You can justify changing yourposition as an attempt to accommodate the other party’s interestsor on the basis of new information that the other side has givento you. It is also a good idea to vary your use of concessions.Sometimes you can simply concede on a given point and followup with a request for something else. At other times, you mightoffer to trade one thing directly for another. And you may occa-sionally simply concede something to gain some goodwill. Finally, always ask for more than you expect to get, and keepsomething in reserve to help persuade the other person to closethe deal. As the process moves toward its conclusion, you canuse concessions to maximum effect and thereby gain somethingthat would have been impossible to obtain earlier. The longer thenegotiations have gone on, the more everyone will want to ensurethat an agreement is reached. Moreover, granting concessionstoward the end of the negotiations effectively allows the otherside to go away feeling good. The most effective negotiations arethose in which you convince someone to do what you want, butthe person still walks away feeling like he or she has “won.”
  • 122. 4 It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. —R A L PH WA L DO E M ER SON Collaborate Changing to a Problem-Solving Approach, or How to Satisfy Everyone’s InterestsKitty D’Alessio had just been appointed president of Chanel. Shewas the first woman, and the first American, ever to hold thatposition. She inherited a chief designer who she didn’t believe hadthe right feel for the line. She wanted to replace him and decidedthat Karl Lagerfeld would be perfect for the job. Although shedidn’t know him personally, she knew that he was involved in anumber of different ventures and was making lots of money. Inaddition to designing clothing for Chloe, he was designing fursfor Fendi and was selling fragrances under his own label, ParfumLagerfeld. She arranged to get an introduction to Karl throughGrace Mirabella, the editor of Vogue. That night she flew out tomeet him at his home in Italy. The two hit it off instantly. After speaking with him for severalhours, she offered him a job. She said, “I don’t know what I’ll do 100
  • 123. COLLABORATE 101if you say no—your name can’t be on the label, and I can’t payyou a lot at first, but I want you to design couture and ready-to-wear for Chanel.” He responded that he would love to do it, buthe couldn’t possibly give up everything else that he was doing.Sensing the moment, she instinctively responded: “Who is ask-ing you to give up anything?” Ultimately, Kitty got the approvalshe needed and put together the deal. Karl accepted much lessmoney than he could have gotten elsewhere, but he was allowed tocontinue with his other business ventures. The key to hiring KarlLagerfeld, which most people credit with rejuvenating the Chanelbrand, was Kitty’s ability to listen to him and understand his needsand desires. Having done that, she was able to figure out how toaccommodate those needs and still satisfy Chanel’s interests. This is an example of collaborate at its best. As mentioned inChapter 1, most women are more comfortable with a “relational”negotiating style than with the “competitive” style favored bymen. Women also have several advantages over men when itcomes to negotiating collaboratively. They tend to be able to readothers and figure out what’s important to them. They can oftensense what is going on beneath the surface and are generally bet-ter than men at developing and maintaining the relationships thatare key to negotiating collaboratively. As long as women keep their own interests firmly in mind,those relational skills can help them negotiate effectively by find-ing ways to meet others’ interests while also satisfying their own.Kitty Van Bortel, who built one of the largest Subaru dealershipsin the country by catering to women, describes the essence ofcollaborating when she states, “The secret of my success is help-ing others get what they want.” Most books that deal with collaborative, or win-win, negotiat-ing start by discussing listening or identifying interests. Whileboth of these are important, the picture below will give you abetter understanding of what negotiating collaboratively is all
  • 124. 102 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGabout. We begin our discussion of collaborate by asking you tolook at this picture: What do you see in this drawing, which is based on one firstpublished by W. E. Hill, in a 1915 issue of Puck magazine? Do yousee a beautiful young woman, or an old, ugly one? The problem isthat once you look at the picture one way, it is difficult to see it theother way. Look carefully, and you will be able to see both. Theold woman’s prominent nose can also be a young woman’s face inprofile. Her thin-lipped smile becomes the beautiful young lady’schoker. But you have to work at seeing the picture in a differentway. Once your mind sees one, it is difficult to visualize the other.No matter how hard you try, you cannot see both images at thesame time. The same is true for collaborative negotiating. If youfocus on one solution too early on, it becomes very difficult to rec-ognize others that might better accommodate both sides’ interests. Collaborate is problem solving. It requires keeping all of theparticipants’ interests in mind to come up with a solution that
  • 125. COLLABORATE 103meets all their needs. Employment attorney Nancy Erica Smithdescribes this as “multitasking,” which she believes women dobetter than men. In her words, when you collaborate: “You arenot seeking to win, but to find common ground. You are tryingto meet many people’s needs. Good negotiators can take intoaccount their goals and the needs of the other side.” Often thesolution lies not so much in being creative as in being exhaustive.If you consider all the possible options, it is likely that at leastone, and possibly several, will satisfy everyone’s interests. It is notuncommon, however, for negotiations to break down, even whenboth parties are committed to working together, because oneside locks into a solution early in the process and is not open toconsider other alternatives. That is why the starting point whenyou collaborate, is to list all of the possible options. Avoid fixing on any one solution until you have determinedall the possible options and thoroughly explored the advantagesand disadvantages of each because the minute you identify apreferred solution, you become less open to other possibilities.You move almost instinctively into a convince mode rather thancollaborate. Force yourself to remain flexible and open to otherpossible solutions, In their seminal work Getting to Yes: Negotiating AgreementWithout Giving In, the authors, Roger Fisher and William Ury,describe what they refer to as “principled negotiations.” This is aform of collaborating that treats negotiations as problem solving.The goal is to find a good solution that is mutually acceptable.When properly used, it is an excellent way of negotiating. Weare greatly indebted to the authors, and drew heavily upon theirwork in developing our ideas about collaborating. There are times, however, when you will not be able to use thisapproach. Collaborate can succeed only if the other party genu-inely wants to work with you. You can sometimes cause someonewho is not initially inclined to collaborate to choose to do so. How-ever, that is not always possible. Collaborate is based on trust. Itrequires that you either have or develop a relationship with your
  • 126. 104 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGcounterparts. The open and honest communications, which areessential to the process, can really only occur where a relationshipexists. Otherwise, the temptation to gain an immediate advantageby manipulating the process outweighs the benefits of workingtoward a mutually beneficial solution. All the “negotiating jujitsu”in the world will never make a used-car salesperson negotiatecollaboratively with you. Nonetheless, understanding the salesper-son’s interests and negotiating in a way that satisfies those interestscan be effective. Alternatively, as discussed in Chapter 10, you cansimply create another way to buy a car that avoids the hagglingwhich normally accompanies a visit to a used-car dealer. As we see it, collaborate entails four basic steps: developing arelationship, understanding the other parties’ interests, identify-ing options, and agreeing on a mutually acceptable solution fromamong those options. Once you understand the other parties’interests and have explored all the possible solutions, you candetermine which one best meets everyone’s needs.DEVELOP A RELATIONSHIPEarlier in her career, when Wendy Gillette, a writer, producer, andreporter for CBS News, was working as a reporter at a Clevelandtelevision station and needed to negotiate a new contract, she choseto do it herself, even though she had an agent as is customary inthe industry. She had an excellent relationship with her boss andthought, as it turned out, correctly that she would get a better resultif she negotiated directly with him. As Wendy appropriately pointsout, “It is a lot easier to say no to someone you don’t know.” Relationships are the cornerstone of negotiating success. Weall have lots of choices in life about whom we want to hire, whomwe want as friends, and whom we want to do business with. Weall prefer to deal with people we like. People will do businesswith you because they respect you and enjoy working with you.If they want to work with you, they will look for ways to makethat happen rather than finding reasons why it can’t. Alexis
  • 127. COLLABORATE 105Glick, former anchor and vice president of business news at theFox Business Network, put it well: “People will want to help youif they like you. Not that you want to be the most popular, butyou don’t want to give them an excuse to say no.” You don’t,however, have to sacrifice your own interests in order to maintaina relationship. If others try to use their relationship with you togain an advantage, in all likelihood the relationship is not whatyou think it is. Terrie Williams is president of the Terrie Williams Agency, apublic relations firm that has represented, among others, actorEddie Murphy, jazz musician Miles Davis, baseball Hall of FamerDave Winfield, and pop star Janet Jackson. The essence of herapproach to negotiating lies in developing relationships: To the extent you can develop a rapport with the person you are negotiating with, you can get almost anything. Any rule can be bent, broken, or cease to exist if you have the right relationship. Katie Ford, CEO of the Ford Modeling Agency, also workshard at developing and maintaining relationships with her modelsand with the clients who hire them. For example, Ford representsPatricia Velasquez. Katie has known her for almost 20 years. Theyhave traveled together, done shows together, and even worked oncharities together. Patricia is spending most of her time these daysfocusing on her acting career, which has included roles in movieslike The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. Notwithstanding,Ford was able to convince Cover Girl to sign Patricia to an exclu-sive cosmetics contract promoting their products. Were it not forthe relationship that Katie and Patricia have developed over theyears, Ford might not have still been representing her and shemight not have gotten the Cover Girl campaign. Similarly, Jeanette Chang, international publishing directorat Hearst Magazines International, credits her success to therelationships she has developed over the years. She puts thatphilosophy into practice on a daily basis. Almost all her businessassociates have become her friends over the years. She advises
  • 128. 106 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGthat to make the most of your relationships, “it helps if youbecome a more interesting person.” Jeanette suggests doing thatby developing an area of expertise outside your work. Hers, forexample, is Asian art. The more interesting you are, the morepeople will want to spend time around you. That, in turn, makesit easier to develop relationships—and, as an added benefit, tonegotiate more effectively.DEVELOP THE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOUBEGIN NEGOTIATINGIt is always better if you develop the relationship before you everhave to negotiate with someone. Although people may be suspi-cious if you attempt to do so immediately before you begin nego-tiating, if your efforts are sincere, they are still likely to succeed.So, even if you have not been able to develop a relationship aheadof time, try to do so at the start of the process. There are manyways to do that, but they all require one thing: having a genuineinterest in getting to know the other person. Carole Cooper, one of the owners of the N. S. BienstockAgency, is one of a handful of successful female agents who rep-resent on-air talent in news and reality television. When Carolenegotiates with someone she doesn’t know, she begins by try-ing to connect with the negotiator as a person. Her preparationincludes finding out about people’s interests, their ratings, andindustry gossip that might be of interest to them, as well as otherpersonal information. When she meets people for the first time,she “talks about the pictures in their office, about their family,about the view,” in an effort to get to know them. Terrie Williams tries to do the same thing by getting togetherwith people in a relaxed atmosphere, for dinner or drinks, “tofind out what they are all about. Her business partner calls this“opening a person’s significance.” If you can zero in on whatmatters most to others, you will better understand how to nego-tiate with them and how to appeal to them. The more you build
  • 129. COLLABORATE 107relationships, the more successful your negotiations are likely tobe. Jessica notes: Because I grew up negotiating with my dad, I learned that, by developing a relationship based on trust, I was able to negotiate effectively, although I did not think about it in those terms at the time. When I was a teenager, my father refused to let me get a credit card. He didn’t believe that high school students needed one. So I had to negotiate with him each time I wanted to bor- row his to go shopping. He would never just hand it over; he always insisted that I have a good reason for needing it. After- ward, however, I would avoid returning the card to him imme- diately. When he asked for it back, I usually managed to find a reason why it was a good idea for me to keep it for a few more days, but my real reason was to get him comfortable with the idea that I could be trusted not to use it without permission. Over time, it became commonplace for me to borrow it, even though he would always resist and argue with me. After a while, he came to accept that it was a good idea for me to have a credit card, or maybe he just got used to my having it. Eventually, he stopped asking me to give it back. Before that happened, though, I had to earn his trust. To get what I wanted from my dad, I had to do it a little bit at a time. Sometimes that is the only way to achieve your goals. In negotiating, this is sometimes referred to as the “bologna technique.” You ask for one slice of bologna at a time until even- tually you have it all. If you had asked for the whole bologna at once, though, you never would have gotten it. That was the case as far as my getting a credit card was concerned. When it was time for me to go to college, I pleaded my case one more time, only this time more directly. I told my dad that I might need a credit card for emergencies, for food, and for gas once I got a car. I promised that I would not abuse the privilege. If he ever felt that I was taking advantage, I told him, he could make me repay him. (Letting others know that you realize they have power over a situation when, in fact, they actually do lends credibility to what you are saying.) By that time, I had developed a relationship with him based on trust. When I needed to, I was able to call upon that trust.
  • 130. 108 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGLET YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS FACILITATETHE NEGOTIATIONSIn developing a relationship with someone, it helps to have mutualfriends or acquaintances. That is why, when you first meet some-one, you usually mention people you think that he or she mightknow. This approach also works when you are trying to developa relationship for purposes of negotiating. Do you recall the storyof how Kitty D’Alessio hired Karl Lagerfeld for Chanel? Beforeshe called Karl, Kitty asked a mutual friend, Grace Mirabella, theeditor of Vogue, to call him. Kitty used that connection to createan instant relationship upon which she could draw when she metwith Lagerfeld. Letting those with whom you are negotiating know that youhave mutual friends serves a second purpose as well. That knowl-edge encourages collaborative negotiations. Even if you knowthat you will never negotiate with this person again, you are lesslikely to engage in questionable conduct to gain a short-termadvantage if you know that they will be talking about you withmutual friends at some future date. You can also use your relationships with people not directlyinvolved in the negotiation to influence the process. Susan Med-alie, executive director of the Women’s Campaign Fund, consid-ers her greatest asset as a negotiator to be her “talent for figuringout connections”—the people she knows who might be able tohelp. Often when you need something, your most important taskmay well be to figure out the right person to ask. When Susan was deputy director of the U.S. Holocaust Coun-cil, she arranged a “Day of Remembrance Dinner” in the rotundaat the Smithsonian. This is a very elegant setting for an event,and it is very difficult to get permission to use. One prominentfeature in the rotunda is a huge pendulum that swings back andforth 24 hours a day, seven days a week. She became concernedthat some of the guests might get motion sickness watching thependulum while eating dinner. She also knew that it would be
  • 131. COLLABORATE 109extremely difficult, if not impossible, to convince the Smithsonianadministrators to stop the pendulum for any reason, let alone afund-raising dinner. So she called Illinois Congressman SidneyYates, a strong supporter of the Holocaust Council. Through hiscommittee assignments in Congress, he had influence over theSmithsonian’s appropriations. He was able to help her persuadethe Smithsonian staff to stop the pendulum while dinner wasbeing served. Sometimes the critical questions in any negotiationare “Who is going to ask whom, and how are they going to ask?”Relationships can play a key role in answering those questions. Little things can make a big difference in developing relation-ships. Whenever Jeanette Chang goes to meet with someone, forinstance, a designer who might advertise in one of her maga-zines, she reads up on fashion trends in the designer’s area, looksat local newspapers, and tries to find out as much as she canabout the company and the designer personally. She always triesto bring the designer an appropriate gift, based on the personalknowledge she has gathered about whether he or she is married,divorced, has children, and so forth. As she says, “Relationshipsrequire work, and I give them 150 percent.” Jeanette feels herefforts have paid off and helped her to succeed in negotiating allaspects of her life.TAKE THE LONG-TERM VIEWBuild relationships even when you see no immediate prospect ofworking together with someone. Sometimes people who mightmake excellent negotiating partners are not in a position to dobusiness with you at that particular moment. Even though youare not currently working with someone, you can still take advan-tage of opportunities that arise to develop a relationship. Cosmo-politan Group Publishing Director Donna Lagani describes justsuch a situation involving her efforts to sell advertising to a cos-metics company. The firm had just installed a new managementteam and did not currently have any advertising money available.
  • 132. 110 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGNonetheless, she met with several of their executives. During thatmeeting, they mentioned the problem they were having attract-ing and keeping good beauty advisors to sell their lines in retailand department stores. Donna offered to hold a contest for theirbeauty advisors and to feature the winners in Cosmopolitan.Although the company was not purchasing any advertising atthat moment, Donna was willing to help the company becauseshe wanted to develop a relationship. As a result, she was ableto stay in touch with the company’s marketing people at a timewhen they were not meeting with any other magazines. Eventu-ally, when the company began to advertise again, Cosmopolitanwas in an excellent position to garner a large share of that adver-tising due to the established relationship with the company’smarketing department. Sometimes people are just not ready to enter into collabora-tive negotiations. Bonnie St. John, an amputee from the age offive who went on to be a silver medalist at the Para-Olympics, aRhodes Scholar, and a White House staff member, is an inspira-tional speaker and the author of Getting Ahead at Work WithoutLeaving Your Family Behind. When she first became a profes-sional speaker, she and one of the speakers’ bureaus she workedwith began negotiating about the possibility of their having anexclusive relationship. By her own admission, she was not readyto enter into collaborative negotiations, and she went into thenegotiations with a long list of demands, including a guaranteeof at least 40 speaking engagements a year and a limited right tocontinue working with other bureaus. They, of course, declinedto agree to her demands, but they said, “Why don’t you just con-tinue to work with us? If you like us, then we can work out anexclusive arrangement.” She did, and a year later, because of therelationship they had developed and her own change in attitude,they entered into an exclusive representation deal. By then, shehad stopped viewing an exclusive relationship as a loss of controlthat required her to protect herself and had come to view it asthe creation of a team that could work together for everyone’s
  • 133. COLLABORATE 111benefit. With that change in attitude, she was able to negotiatean agreement that resulted not only in her getting more than 40speaking engagements in the first year but also in her fees goingup and her receiving other benefits that she would never evenhave thought to ask for.IDENTIFY AND EXPLORE EACH PARTY’S INTERESTSSuccessful collaborative negotiating requires understanding theother party’s interests. Most negotiating involves taking posi-tions—trying to convince the other side that it is in their interestto accept what you are offering. If they don’t agree, you can fol-low up by modifying your arguments, granting additional conces-sions, or engaging in some combination of both, as discussed inChapter 3. Thus you start with your proposed solution, and yourcounterparts start with theirs. You each work at getting the otherto move toward your position by constantly readjusting yourarguments and your proposals. In Getting to Yes, the authorsrefer to this as “positional bargaining.” Instead of focusing onpositions, they suggest that you focus on interests. “A position”refers to what you want; an “interest” is why you want it. Onceyou understand each other’s underlying interests, you can readilyachieve a mutually beneficial solution. There are many different types of interests. There are sub-stantive interests, such as how much money something will costor how quickly it can be obtained. There are interests in theprocess by which an agreement is reached, which can touch onquestions such as, “Was it fair?” “Was I allowed to fully partici-pate?” “Was I treated with respect?” Different parties can havedifferent types of interests. One may care deeply about certainspecific substantive issues, while another may consider the par-ties’ relationship more important. Often individuals have com-peting interests that you can appeal to. If you understand that,you may be able to achieve your goal despite initial resistance.For example, Emily Menlo Marks, executive director of United
  • 134. 112 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGNeighborhood Houses of New York, was seeking support for anad against police brutality at a time when the police were engag-ing in an aggressive stop-and-frisk program. She met with theHuman Resources Council, a group that consists of a number ofcharitable organizations, and she argued that they needed to dosomething about the problem. The head of the council arguedagainst the ad on the grounds that such a stand would meancoming out against the mayor and perhaps jeopardizing futurefunding for the member organizations. In response, Emily stoodup and said, “If we don’t take a stand on this, who will?” As aresult, by appealing to the council members’ sense of what wasright, Emily was able to get a number of members to sign on tothe ad even though it might not have been in their political inter-est to come out against the mayor.LOOK FOR DIFFERENCES IN HOW THE PARTIESVALUE THINGSDifferent people value things differently. When you are attemptingto explore options, you can often find collaborative solutions bytaking those differences into account. Consider how two businesspartners might agree to split up the profits from their business.One partner might need money today to buy a vacation home,while the other might be more interested in income 10 years fromnow when she plans to retire. Taking their different interestsinto account, a mutually beneficial agreement could be reachedwhereby the one partner would be allowed to take money out ofthe business now in return for the other partner’s getting a largerpercentage of the profits as they increased over time. In another situation, one party might be willing to take certainrisks, whereas the other might be uncomfortable taking any riskat all. This could result in an agreement that provided for onepartner’s getting a greater share of the profits in return for guar-anteeing the other partner a minimum annual return regardlessof how profitable the enterprise is. Or if one partner believes that
  • 135. COLLABORATE 113the business has peaked in value while the other thinks it willcontinue to become more profitable over time, they might agreethat the first partner will receive a greater share of the profits forthe next few years in return for accepting a smaller portion fiveyears hence, or the partner who thinks the business has substan-tial growth potential could buy out the other partner, paying himor her the current market value. Collaborate takes advantage of differences in the way peoplevalue things and the relative importance they place on variousissues. When Patricia Hambrecht was president of Harry Win-ston, a jewelry company that deals in some of the rarest andmost beautiful jewelry in the world, she sought to hire super-model Carolyn Murphy. In doing so, Patricia made good use ofthe different values people place on things. Carolyn had offersto work for several competing jewelers, but she wanted to workwith Harry Winston because of the quality of the merchandise.Patricia didn’t have the advertising budget to pay her what shecould command elsewhere, so she offered to pay Carolyn partlyin cash and partly with jewelry. That way Harry Winston couldafford her services, and she got the jewelry she loved. Moreover,the cost of the jewelry to the company was less than the valueCarolyn placed on it or what she would have had to pay if shecould have found comparable pieces elsewhere. Even interests that might seem insignificant to you may beimportant to the person with whom you are dealing. CaroleCooper described one negotiation she had with the manager ofa local television station in the Midwest on behalf of an anchor/reporter that she represented. Carole wanted to significantlyincrease her client’s salary. The station manager recognized herclient’s talent, but he had problems with some of her work habits.He told Carole, “I know you want more money, but I have someproblems with her. She spends a lot of time making personalphone calls.” Instead of arguing with him about whether the cli-ent did or did not make too many calls or whether, even if shedid, it affected her ability to do her job, Carole replied, “I run an
  • 136. 114 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGoffice. I understand. I’ll talk to her.” She did, and, when she andthe station manager spoke again a few weeks later, he couldn’tthank her enough because, after talking with Carole, her clientceased making personal calls from the office. That resolved, theywere in short order able to agree on a new contract with a sig-nificant salary increase for her client. To Carole, “It was a littlething, but it helped a lot.” The difference between getting what you want and losing thedeal can depend on how well you understand the other side’sinterests. Developing a relationship with them will allow you tobetter understand what they value. You can use that informationto creatively reach an agreement. Hollywood producer, director,and writer Tamar Simon Hoffs was able to convince a wealthybusinessman to invest in a movie she was producing when shefound out that his son was interested in getting into filmmaking.She obviously had to convince him that the deal made sensefinancially, but she clinched the deal by offering to give the inves-tor’s son his first movie job. That was more valuable to the inves-tor than the profit he would eventually make from the film.DETERMINE WHY THE OTHER SIDE IS TAKINGPARTICULAR POSITIONSTo identify their interests, try to understand how the otherside sees the situation. See if you can argue their position. Askyourself “Why?” and “Why not?” Why is someone taking a par-ticular position? What interests are being served? What are theobstacles to reaching agreement? Why hasn’t the other personalready agreed to what you are proposing? An individual mayhave several different interests in any given negotiation. More-over, various people on the same side may also have differentinterests. Furthermore, you must satisfy not only the people withwhom you are dealing directly but also the people who are not atthe bargaining table but who have influence over the process. Forinstance, the person across the table may have a boss currently
  • 137. COLLABORATE 115under consideration for a promotion. If that is the case, the bossis likely to care more about the immediate impact of any agree-ment than about what will happen five years hence, and you needto bear that in mind when you negotiate.GENERATE OPTIONSWe started this chapter by talking about how focusing too quicklyon a desired outcome can inhibit collaboration. An essential ele-ment of collaborate is to come up with an exhaustive list of pos-sible solutions. You can then identify those that satisfy the interestsof all the parties and choose from among them. Generating sucha list should be part of your preparation. It will be useful no mat-ter how you approach the negotiations. If, during the negotiations,you feel the parties have developed a relationship that allows forcollaboration, you can revisit the list as a joint effort. For the rea-sons discussed earlier, the purpose of this exercise is to developa comprehensive list of options that you can draw upon as thenegotiations proceed; it is not to evaluate them. You can employ a variety of approaches to develop possiblesolutions. Let’s take as an example a husband and wife who aretrying to decide where to take their annual vacation. They are ona limited budget and can afford to take only one vacation. Shewould like to go to Italy because she loves fine dining and wantsto go sightseeing and shopping. He wants to go to the Bahamasto gamble and lie on the beach.TradeOne possible solution would be to go to Italy this year and to theBahamas next year. Or, if there is more than one interest involved,as if often the case, trade one interest off against the other. Forexample, if she prefers to take their vacation during the summer andhe wants to take it in the winter, they could agree that one wouldget to choose the time and the other could choose the place.
  • 138. 116 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGExpand the PieAnother possible option is to readjust their lifestyle so they canafford two vacations. Perhaps he could write his novel in theevening and take a job as a reporter with a local newspaper toearn extra income. Because she likes to garden, perhaps shecould agree to take care of the lawn and garden herself insteadof paying a lawn service.Couple InterestsA third approach is to identify other interests and introduce theminto the negotiation. Adding something new to the mix createsthe opportunity to satisfy another interest of one of the partiesrather than fight over how to divide up the resources being dis-cussed. For instance, the couple could agree that if she is willingto go with him to the Bahamas on their vacation, he’ll spendChristmas with her family.Identify Different Ways to Satisfy Everyone’s InterestsBy looking beyond each party’s stated positions to his or herunderlying interests, you can sometimes identify solutions thatneither has previously considered but that satisfy everyone’sinterests. Taking into account each party’s underlying interests—gambling and the beach for him; fine cuisine, shopping, andsightseeing for her—might result in their finding a vacationdestination that allows them each to do what they want. PerhapsFrance, with Paris, the French Riviera, and Monaco right nextdoor, would work for both of them.AGREE ON A MUTUALLY ACCEPTABLE OPTIONAfter you list all the available options, you still have to agree onone. Based on the above examples, you would think that, if you arejust creative enough and come up with enough options, an obvious
  • 139. COLLABORATE 117“best” solution will emerge. That sometimes occurs. More oftenthan not, though, even after all the options have been identified,the parties still need to negotiate about which one to choose. There is no single right way to reach an agreement. Whatworks best depends on the type of problem, the relationshipbetween the parties, and the nature of their interests. If youwant to collaborate but the other person doesn’t, and his or herinterests are diametrically opposed to yours, relying solely oncollaborate will probably fail. You may have to first convincethe person to see things differently or create a totally differentapproach to dealing with the issues. In fact, in most negotiationsyou will want to draw on all three of the major concepts we pres-ent in the book: convince, collaborate, and create. Patricia Hambrecht experienced how all three concepts cancome into play when, while president of Christie’s North America,she negotiated for the right to handle the sale of Vincent vanGogh’s Portrait of Dr. Gachet. The lawyer for the family thatowned the painting made a number of demands, but one of themajor issues was that the family wanted to have the absolute rightto withdraw the painting from auction if there was a major declinein the stock market. The family’s lawyer believed that if the mar-kets declined significantly, it would affect the price that the paint-ing would fetch. Because Christie’s would be spending almost amillion dollars to promote the auction, Patricia could not agree toallow the painting to be withdrawn except under the most extremecircumstances. She first sought to convince the attorney that evena drop in the market would not necessarily hurt the price that thepainting commanded and pointed to the sale of van Gogh’s Irisesfor $53.9 million just three weeks after the market crash in 1987.She also explained that withdrawing the painting would lessen itsvalue because, regardless of what was said, potential buyers wouldattribute the withdrawal to a problem with the painting, and notthe state of the financial markets. Nonetheless, Patricia also real-ized that she could not totally persuade him that a major collapsein the stock markets would have no effect on the sale price. So,
  • 140. 118 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGrecognizing his interest, she came up with a creative proposal.They agreed that if all three major stock markets, the New YorkStock Exchange, the London FTSE, and the Japanese Nikkei fellby a certain percentage for a certain number of days, the ownercould withdraw the painting. This satisfied the owner’s concernwhile also protecting Christie’s because it would have taken amajor economic crisis for all three markets to fall at the same time.In fact, the Nikkei did drop by the specified amount shortly beforethe auction date. If Patricia had agreed to allow a withdrawalbased on a financial setback in any one of those markets, the auc-tion would not have proceeded. Yet because of what they agreedto, the auction went ahead as scheduled, and the painting eventu-ally sold for $82.5 million, the most ever paid for a painting soldat auction up until that time. The “principled negotiations” approach discussed in Gettingto Yes, which relies on the use of objective criteria, can be usedto determine which of the available criteria to select. Criteriamight include fair market value, what has been done elsewhere,or the opinion of an expert. Alternatively, the parties could agreeon procedures to resolve the dispute. Mothers do this all thetime with their children when, for example, they have one childcut the cake and the other select the piece he or she wants. In abusiness dispute, for instance, each party might agree to select anexpert who will give an opinion as to the appropriate outcome. Ifboth experts agree, then the parties will abide by their decision.If they don’t, the experts will select a third expert whose decisionwould be binding. Principled negotiations can be viewed as a form of convincerather than collaborate. Even if you agree in principle to baseyour decision on objective criteria, there will always be questionsas to which criteria should be used. While in some instances onecriterion will be the obvious choice, more often than not, therewill be several potentially good choices from which the parties canchoose. Even negotiating about how to decide can be manipulatedto favor the process you think will provide you with the most
  • 141. COLLABORATE 119favorable outcome. “Objective” criteria, and experts, for that mat-ter, are rarely neutral. Rather, they are tools we use to convince. In the end, collaborate depends on your ability to develop arelationship in which the parties care not only about the substan-tive outcome but also how the other person feels at the end of thenegotiations. The success of collaborate requires two things: thatyou satisfy your needs and that those on the other side walk awayfeeling that theirs have been satisfied as well. Skillful use of allthe convince, collaborate, and create techniques we discuss in thisbook will help you to achieve that objective.
  • 142. 5 If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. — M AYA A NGELOU Create If You Don’t Like the Rules, Change the Game—Changing the Way We NegotiateSeveral years ago, a television commercial set on a basketballcourt in a school gym was running every Sunday morning. Thecommercial starts with boys in gym clothes choosing up sides.The biggest, most athletic kids are picked first. At the end, twoboys are left, one short with glasses and the other a little over-weight. Just as the last two are being picked, a teacher walks outonto the gym floor and says, “OK, let’s get ready for the spellingbee,” whereupon the last two boys’ faces light up. They high-fiveeach other and yell out, “Yeah.” Each of us is better at some games than at others. Some ofus like to play. Some of us don’t enjoy games at all. The same istrue of negotiating. Create is all about changing the rules of thegame, changing the game itself, or figuring out a way to make itseem as if you are not negotiating at all. It is about changing thenegotiating paradigm under which you are operating to one thatbetter suits your goals or your negotiating style. 120
  • 143. CREATE 121 When I teach negotiating, I offer analogies between differ-ent types of negotiations and different games. Just as the rulesfor baseball differ from those for basketball or chess, so do therules for different types of negotiations. Each “game” requiresdifferent skills and interactions. The rules in a negotiation arethe expectations that the parties bring to it based on their rela-tionship, their prior dealings, custom, and other factors. Unlikebaseball, basketball, or chess, though, the rules in negotiationscan be changed. Most negotiations are like playing with dolls orjumping rope; there are no rules or you make them up as you goalong. More important, not only can you change the rules, youcan change the game. “This is the way we always do it” doesn’thave to be the way it is done. The create approach to negotiating involves changing the waywe structure the negotiations. Changing the way we negotiatewill often change the outcomes we achieve. Bring in differentpeople, create a different type of interaction, or perhaps simplydeal with another person in the organization that has a differentperspective. Sometimes the best response is to negotiate with adifferent organization altogether. Many times we are faced withsituations where we just don’t see a good solution. When thathappens, it is usually because we are looking at doing things theway we have done them in the past. If we do things the way wehave always done them, we can expect to get the same resultsthat we have always gotten. If we want different results, we needto approach situations differently. Individuals typically have amuch greater ability to control how they structure their negotia-tions than they realize. When what you are doing isn’t taking you where you’d like togo, if you just take a fresh look and approach the situation dif-ferently, you will usually be able to come up with a line of attackthat will yield better results. After espousing that philosophyin one of my training programs, one of the participants put my
  • 144. 122 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGbelief to the test. She wanted to buy a fuel efficient, hybrid car.Unfortunately for her, at that time, so did a lot of others, result-ing in hybrids’ being in short supply. She had placed herself ona waiting list, and now, a few months later, her name was aboutto come up. She inquired of me how she could negotiate a lowerprice for the car, in light of the fact that the cars were generallyselling at the sticker price, and some dealers were even asking fora premium above that. I thought and thought but couldn’t comeup with an approach that would get the dealer to discount theprice as long as he had a waiting list of people willing to purchasethe car at full price. So I went into create mode. The answer was not to try to nego-tiate with the dealer, but rather to take advantage of the fact thatwhile this woman wanted a hybrid car, she didn’t need to haveone right that instant. For her, money was more important thantime. The key to garnering a better deal was to find someone whowanted the car immediately and was willing to pay a premiumfor that privilege. I suggested that she sell her place on the wait-ing list on eBay and put herself on a new waiting list. She couldkeep doing that until there was no longer a shortage of hybridcars. That way she would have the money she earned from sellingher place on the waiting list and eventually be able to negotiatea better price from the dealer, once the supply of hybrids caughtup to the demand. Instead of trying to negotiate with the dealerat a time when she had very little leverage, the create approachrecognized that she had something of value that she could sell—her place on the waiting list. To obtain the best possible outcomes, make sure that you arenegotiating with the right people. To determine whom to involve,ask yourself: • Who are the real decision makers? • Who influences them? • How do I motivate the people who can be helpful, to want to help me?
  • 145. CREATE 123 Create can also involve decisions about whom you involve onyour side, the order in which you discuss issues, who makes theinitial offer, whether you create competition by negotiating withseveral parties at once, whether you present your offer in writingor talk through the issues first, and so on. When you create, you change the negotiating paradigm to onethat makes you feel more comfortable, makes it easier for you toachieve your goals, or sometimes just forces everyone to take afresh look at what is really going on. At times you need to com-pletely change the way the negotiations are conducted. At its best,when you create, the parties do not view what is taking place asa negotiation at all.DON’T BE AFRAID TO TAKE A FRESH LOOKRecently I was teaching a class in negotiating for Women Unlim-ited, an organization that helps corporations to develop high-potential women executives. During the lunch break, one of thewomen came to me and asked for my help. One of the assign-ments for the program participants was to interview their com-pany’s CEO and report back to the group. She had been unableto arrange a meeting with her CEO, and she had been rebuffedseveral times by the CEO’s assistant, who said her boss was toobusy to meet with her. This woman had already tried taking awin-win approach when the assistant had told her that the CEOdidn’t have time and, moreover, that if he gave an interview toher, he would have to do it for others. She tried to counter thoseobjections by suggesting that all the company-sponsored womenin the program jointly interview the CEO for no more than 20minutes. That offer was also rejected. The assistant perceived that her job was to protect the CEOfrom everyone making demands on his time. As long as she con-sidered the women in the program as just another group trying toget some of the CEO’s time, she would view it as her role to pre-vent that from happening. So I suggested that she try to change
  • 146. 124 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGthe assistant’s role in the negotiations by asking for her advice onhow best to approach the subject of getting an interview with theCEO. By making the assistant an ally rather than an adversary,she was able to change the negotiating paradigm. She reportedback to me that, when she approached the topic that way, theassistant offered to raise the subject again with the CEO at “anappropriate time.” Eventually, with the assistant’s help, she wasable to get the desired interview. Most people would not think of this as a negotiation, but itis, and approaching it that way greatly increases the likelihoodof success. Using a traditional outcome-oriented negotiatingapproach, whether win-win or “zero-sum,” fails to take intoaccount the relationship aspect of this negotiation. This wasnot about the CEO’s interests but about the assistant’s view ofher role in protecting his time. Success in the situation requiredchanging the assistant’s perception of her role from being anadversary trying to keep this woman from seeing the CEO tobecoming an ally in helping her find a way to meet with him.DETERMINE IF OTHERS DO IT DIFFERENTLYCreate doesn’t necessarily require that you come up with a newway of dealing with a situation that no one has ever consideredbefore. More often than not, it just requires adopting, or adapt-ing, what someone else has done elsewhere or in other situations.To paraphrase NBC’s clever tag line for marketing reruns, “If youhaven’t seen it before, it’s new to you.” Soon after I joined Macy’s as the company’s vice president oflabor relations, I had the opportunity to use the create concept.The company had a good relationship and a long history of nego-tiating with its largest union, which had not had a strike againstthe company in over 20 years. In the past, negotiations had con-sisted of the union making numerous proposals, often in excessof a hundred, and the company responding to them one by one.
  • 147. CREATE 125Over the course of several months, the company would agree tosome, tell the union why it couldn’t agree to others, and com-promise on those that remained. In this game, the union alwaysplayed offense and the company always played defense. That was not how I had negotiated at other companies, nor didthe company deal with its other unions that way. I didn’t think itwas an effective way to negotiate, but it was the way things hadbeen done for the past 20 years. It took some effort to convincemy colleagues that we should do something different this time,but in the end, we changed the rules and presented the unionwith our own list of proposals—only about a dozen, and modestones at that. The change, though, had the intended effect. Wespent at least as much time discussing our 12 proposals as theunion’s hundred-plus proposals. This approach allowed us to goon the offensive at times, which is more fun than always being onthe defensive. Most important, the union agreed to some of ourproposals, proving once again that you can’t get what you don’task for. What I did was really very simple: I merely suggestedthat we conduct negotiations the way most other companies werenegotiating, which was also the way that Macy’s negotiated withits other unions. The biggest obstacle to adopting this common-sense approach was that Macy’s had not done it that way withthis union before. Once this new approach was adopted, how-ever, it dramatically changed how the negotiations proceeded. Similarly, Cincinnati Bengals Executive Vice President KatieBlackburn, who handles the team’s contract negotiations withplayers, was able to sign Peter Warrick, their top draft pick, byusing create. The NFL salary cap limits how much a team canpay players. As the fourth player picked in the NFL draft, Peterwas seeking a lot of money. The team was willing to pay him,but only if he performed. So both sides agreed to graduatedincentives based on performance factors such as total receptions,receiving yards, and team wins. The use of incentives was notnew; other teams had used them, and so had the Bengals. The
  • 148. 126 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGdifference was the Bengals’ specific approach to using incentivesin this instance, which enabled the team to reach an agreementwell before training camp began. Changing the way you approach negotiations works particu-larly well in business situations in which you routinely negotiatethe same types of deals. Because each negotiation is unique insome way though, you must look at each individually and notsimply rely on what has been done in the past. Sometimes too theoutcome you are seeking requires taking certain issues out of thenegotiations. You can take an issue off the table by doing whatCosmopolitan Group Publishing Director Donna Lagani refers toin Chapter 3 as “bulletproofing.” At other times, you can achievethis by standardizing how a particular issue is handled eitherthrough issuing a company policy or by using a form contract. Create requires that you look at every situation with a freshset of eyes so you can see other ways of approaching the negotia-tions that may work better for you. Create is not about how toslice up the pie (convince) or how to expand the pie (collaborate).It’s about baking cakes instead of pies, or buying them insteadof baking them yourself. You can always find a different way togo about getting what you want. All you need to do is to keep anopen mind and look for new ways to approach the situation.GET THE OTHER PARTY TO MOVE TO YOUR SIDE OFTHE TABLEBefore the United States began negotiating with North Vietnamin Paris to end the Vietnam War, the two sides spent a greatdeal of time bargaining about the shape of the table. Would itbe round or square, rectangular or oval? Obviously there was abelief that the shape of the table, as well as where the parties sat,made a difference. Experts say that working at a round or ovaltable tends to lead to a more cooperative negotiation, whereasworking at a square or rectangular table is more adversarial. Theshape of the table, however, is not nearly as important as the rela-
  • 149. CREATE 127tionship of the parties. You can accomplish much more by chang-ing the nature of the relationship than by changing the shape ofthe negotiating table. One way you can create when you negotiateis to get the other party to “move to your side of the table.” A career counselor I know had to create a new negotiating par-adigm when she was faced with negotiating compensation with afriend. She had developed a course on coaching for the eveningdivision of a major university. She sought my advice because shefelt she was not being fairly compensated for her work, whichwas extremely profitable for the university. The director of theprogram, who was not only her boss but also a good friend, hadtold her that she was already receiving the maximum rate forinstructors and that, if the university paid her more, it wouldhave to raise the other instructors’ rates as well. I suggested thatshe find out how much another university would pay her to teachthe course and use another offer to get the university to increaseher pay rate. If the director refused to match the offer, she couldalways teach the course elsewhere. My friend didn’t feel comfort-able doing that because of her relationship with the director. Wethen discussed how to change the negotiating paradigm to turnthe relationship into an advantage rather than a disadvantage. We decided that she should explain to the director how muchwork was involved in preparing and teaching the course, andthen seek the director’s help, as a friend, to find a way to increaseher compensation. My friend did exactly that, and she changedthe paradigm from “asking her boss for a raise because shecould command a higher salary elsewhere” to “asking a friendfor advice about dealing with what she believed was an unfairsituation.” After learning how much preparation was involved and howmuch material had to be covered, the director came up with theidea of paying her an additional fee for her extra preparation timeand adding two more class sessions, for which she would be paidher hourly rate. This allowed the director to pay my friend morewithout affecting the pay structure of the other instructors.
  • 150. 128 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING This is an excellent example of how the create approach worksin conjunction with convince and collaborate. My friend first hadto convince the director that the compensation was not commen-surate with the work involved. In addition, she had to collaborateto find a way to accommodate her interest in being paid more withthe director’s interest in not having to pay all the other instructorsmore as well. But had she not created a different negotiating para-digm, she never would have succeeded. In her previous attemptsto discuss the issue, she had been told that nothing could be donesince she was already being paid the top rate.INVOLVE DIFFERENT PEOPLESometimes the most important decision you can make when youare negotiating is with whom you want to negotiate. Televisionjournalist Jennifer Valoppi learned that lesson when she decidedto accept an offer from Don Brown, the president of NBC News,to anchor the evening news at its Miami station. One of theissues for Valoppi was that she wanted to be able to have somesemblance of a life and did not want to have to anchor the 11o’clock news program. NBC News agreed that she would do thenews at 5 and 5:30 p.m. So she accepted the position and movedto Miami. About three months later, the network, through heragent, asked her to anchor the 11 o’clock news. She said no. Thenetwork kept coming back to her offering more money. Each timeshe rejected the offer saying that it was not about the money—she “wanted to be able to have a life.” Finally Don Brown calledher personally and said, “I really need you to do the 11 o’clocknews.” Because of her personal relationship with him, she said“OK, I’ll do it.” When he asked her what she wanted, she said,“I trust you will pay me the most you can because I don’t wantto do it but I will as a favor to you.” In the end, the deal she gotwas so good that the lawyer negotiating the deal for the networktold her agent that she “had never seen anything like this. Donsaid he wanted her to get whatever she wants.”
  • 151. CREATE 129 Janice Lieberman, the consumer reporter for NBC’s TodayShow, advises that when you don’t get what you want “push theup button.” Ask to speak to a manager so that you can get tosomeone who has the power to help you. If that doesn’t work,ask to speak to the manager’s manager. This is a technique I frequently use to great effect. For exam-ple, I wanted to return a present I had received for cash. It hadbeen purchased at a large upscale store. Even though I had a giftreceipt, I was told by the salesperson that company policy onlyallowed them to give me a store credit. So I asked to speak withthe department manager. When he reiterated that policy, I toldhim that I had worked at Barneys New York and knew in anupscale store like this someone in the store has the authority tooverride procedures in the interest of maintaining good customerservice. I said if he didn’t have the authority to do so I was surethe store manager did and that I wanted to speak to him. He thenagreed, as a onetime courtesy, to give me a cash refund. Knowing whom to negotiate with, and understanding howthat person negotiates, can ensure a successful outcome. Valoppinotes: “Being too honest with the wrong person can be a hugemistake, but with the right person, honesty can work.” You havemore control than you think you have in choosing whom younegotiate with and whom you involve in the negotiations. If youdon’t think that the person that is negotiating with you is going togive you what you want, consider involving his or her boss or per-haps “doing the deal” with someone else at another company. Some of the most frustrating interactions you can have arewith people that don’t have the authority to make a decisionand/or who don’t care whether or not a satisfactory resolution isreached. When you are faced with that situation, you need to finda way to cause him or her to want to help you. Alternatively, youmight bypass that individual and go directly to someone who hasthe authority and who cares. If you seek to do that, though, youneed to do so without alienating the person that you are bypass-ing. Asking that individual for help or advice, and gaining his or
  • 152. 130 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGher consent to involve someone else, is one way to avoid alienat-ing that individual. Sometimes changing whom you are negotiating with can makeall the difference. For example, Vikki Ziegler, a divorce attorneywith Walder, Hayden & Brogan, was trying to work out a divorcesettlement for one of her clients. Her adversary was intent on takingthe case to trial. So Ziegler advised her client that “if she wanted tosettle the case, she should call her husband directly.” She did, andthe two of them were able to work out a fair settlement. Involving the right other people can also have an impact.When she is handling a divorce, Ziegler often suggests to herclients that they reach out to the husband’s extended family. “Letthem know they will continue to be in the childrens’ lives. Theywill put pressure on the husband to do the right thing.”EXAMINE YOUR ASSUMPTIONSTo create a new negotiating paradigm, start by examining theassumptions the parties bring to the situation. For example, mostof us think that you cannot negotiate price in a department store.NBC consumer reporter Janice Lieberman advises otherwise. Ifyou see that a button is missing or merchandise is slightly dam-aged, ask to have the price reduced by 10 or 20 percent. Asknicely and in private. If necessary ask to speak with a manager.“You would be amazed at what you can get if you ask,” accordingto Lieberman. People’s assumptions are typically unstated, and often the par-ties themselves are unaware of them. Think about how similarsituations have been handled in the past. Look at the relationships.Is there a boss to whom a person must answer? Will the person’sspouse have a say in the agreement? Is the person handling thenegotiating doing so on behalf of someone else? Once you analyzethe parties’ expectations of how things should proceed, you canconsider all the possible ways to approach the negotiations. Exam-ine each party’s interests. Then see if you are comfortable that
  • 153. CREATE 131the approach you are taking makes sense in terms of the interestsinvolved or whether there might be a better way. Sometimes you won’t be able to get what you want with con-vince or collaborate. Then your only choices are to create or towalk away. In what Women In Need CEO Bonnie Stone describedas the most difficult negotiation of her career, she had to negotiatewith a coalition of organizations representing the severely dis-abled. At the time, she was deputy commissioner for the HumanResources Administration of the City of New York. She had beenput in charge of changing the status of home health care workerscaring for the disabled and elderly from independent contractorsto employees, to comply with federal law. Bonnie had been on the job only two days when she attendeda meeting to discuss this issue with the coalition. The leadersof this loose coalition were all physically challenged themselves.They attended in wheelchairs, with respirators, and with theirattendants. Bonnie’s boss, the commissioner, went through all thelogical reasons why the agency had to make this change and whyit would be a good thing for the coalition’s constituents. The coali-tion leaders refused to go along with any change. The commis-sioner was taken aback by their response and didn’t know what todo, so she set up a task force and named Bonnie to head it. Bonnie recognized that the coalition was politically potent andcould stop this project in its tracks. She realized that the mem-bers viewed the situation as a control issue because, under theproposed system, their attendants would no longer work directlyfor them. Most of these individuals were physically powerless:they could not feed or dress themselves, and they had little con-trol over their own environment. They were not about to give upone of the few things they felt they did control. Bonnie also understood that she could not negotiate an accept-able resolution to this problem the same way she might withother advocacy groups. This group would automatically rejectanything the government proposed. Worse yet, even if she couldget one group to agree, it wouldn’t mean anything because the
  • 154. 132 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGcoalition member groups could not agree among themselves onhow to proceed. The only thing on which they all agreed wasthat they didn’t trust the government. Once Bonnie realized this,she was able to create a new negotiating paradigm: she allowedthe coalition itself to come up with the solution. In the end, thecoalition decided to set up its own nonprofit corporation thatthen hired the home care workers as its employees.KEEP YOUR GOAL FIRMLY IN MINDAs long as you know what you are trying to achieve, there are anynumber of ways to reach your goal. Robin Tomchin, presidentof RT Productions, who manages the careers of musicians, wasworking with Janis Siegel of the rock group Manhattan Transfer.Janis was trying to launch a solo career. It was important forJanis to record a couple of albums to become visible as a soloartist. Robin tried to get a record label to agree to a two-albumdeal. Because of the state of the market, however, she couldn’tfind anyone to commit to more than a single-record deal. Robintherefore adopted a different approach that achieved the sameresult. She proposed that Janis do one album with an option todo a second if the first sold a certain number of records. Robinknew the market, and she anchored the required sales figure lowenough that she was sure Janis would meet it. The record com-pany agreed, and Janis sold more than enough records to ensureshe would make the second album.TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENTEven in the simplest everyday negotiation, you can create a newparadigm if what you are doing isn’t working. You don’t have tobe a genius to do so; you just have to be willing to try somethingdifferent.
  • 155. CREATE 133 Private investigator Claire Irving, who is president of CranstonCapital, tried a different approach when she couldn’t get the cus-tomer support she needed. She had just purchased a new PDA.The salesperson told her that there was a program available totransfer her contacts from her old PDA so that she would nothave to have someone retype all the names and addresses shehad compiled over the years. He suggested that she call customersupport to find out what she needed to do. When Claire got home, she called the number she had beengiven and inquired about the software needed to transfer hercontacts to her new PDA. The customer service representativethat answered told her that the company did not provide technicalsupport for the software she needed. Claire recounted what thesalesperson had told her when she purchased the product. She justwanted to know the name of the software she needed to buy. Thecustomer service representative unceremoniously informed heragain that the company did not support that program. Back andforth they went like this for several minutes until Claire was readyto blow up. She was ready to return the PDA. Then she changedthe paradigm. Claire asked whether, if she hung up and calledback, she would be reconnected to him. He replied, “Probablynot,” whereupon Claire thanked him, hung up, and called back. Adifferent customer service representative answered the phone andpromptly provided her with the information she needed. When Claire realized that what she was doing wasn’t working,she changed the person she was negotiating with and created awholly different negotiation. This is the essence of what createis all about.
  • 156. 6 Women and men look at the world through very different moral frameworks. Men tend to think in terms of “justice” or absolute “right and wrong,” while women define morality through the filter of how relationships will be affected. —R ON TA FFEL Mars and Venus Negotiating with Men versus Negotiating with WomenMost of the concepts discussed throughout this book applyequally regardless of whether you are negotiating with a manor with a woman. However, there are times when you need toadjust your negotiating approach depending on the gender of theperson that you are dealing with. Women tend to exhibit whatwe refer to as a “relational negotiating style,” while men tend toadopt a “competitive style.” Although some men favor the formerand some women favor the latter, it’s important to remember thateach individual tends to favor one style or the other. When youcan identify a person’s negotiating style, you will be in a betterposition to determine how to best influence him or her. 134
  • 157. MARS AND VENUS 135NEGOTIATING STYLES: WOMEN CIRCLE, MEN GO DIRECTWhen women negotiate, they tend to be less direct than men.According to psychologist Patricia Farrell, women were raisedwith the idea that there is a certain etiquette required to main-taining relationships. Their mothers involve them, beginning aslittle girls, in certain rituals such as welcoming new neighborsand sending holiday greeting cards and thank-you notes forgifts. This relationship etiquette carries over into how womennegotiate. Because of the importance women place on relationships,they want to connect on some other basis before getting downto the business of negotiating. They usually expect to talk aboutpersonal issues, such as your family or what is going on in yourlife. Most women would consider it rude to get down to businessimmediately, without first engaging in social conversation. Simi-larly, when actually negotiating, women tend not to go directly tothe topic they want to discuss. Rather, they “circle” and take lon-ger to get to where they want to go. As Sharon Taylor, senior vicepresident of human resources at Prudential Financial, observes,“When women negotiate, they want to understand the bigger pic-ture and how what you are doing may affect related issues. Theyalso tend to involve more people and want more information.” Most men, on the other hand, prefer to get directly down tothe business at hand, with only a minimum of small talk. Whendealing with women, most men prefer that they get right to thepoint. Sharon Taylor advises: “When you are negotiating withmen, you don’t have to be as concerned with warming them up.They want the facts; they want to know what is in it for them, andthey want to quickly get to the bottom line.” As Audrey Cramer,vice chair of Cushman & Wakefield notes, when dealing withmen, “Sometimes women just need to shut up. They need to sayit once and stop talking.”
  • 158. 136 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING When men negotiate, they first try to build credibility, andthen they go in for the kill. That is why men usually start offnegotiations by talking about their position and their accomplish-ments. This is their way of establishing credibility before they getdown to discussing substantive issues. As mentioned earlier, men use relationships to get what theywant, whereas women tend to value relationships for their ownsake. In the words of Brenda Christianson, president of StellarPublic Relations, “Women want to see that you are their friend.Men don’t care about the relationship. It’s all about the businessdeal.” As a result, women are more interested in working outsolutions that satisfy everyone. This sometimes requires a littlemore time, and they are willing to take it if necessary. Men, onthe other hand, tend to be impatient. Once they find an accept-able solution, they are more likely to apply pressure on the otherside to simply agree to it. Moreover, because women are expectedto be caring, while men are expected to be self-interested, womenoften have to work harder to get a man to accept responsibilityfor the results of the negotiation and to negotiate fairly. Men and women also communicate differently. Communicat-ing with men is sometimes like “speaking a second language.”To be successful in business, women need to understand whatsome of the women we interviewed refer to as “guy speak.” Forexample, when a man leaves a meeting and you ask him how itwent, he will probably say “Great.” He is not really conveyingany information about what happened at the meeting; rather, heis simply acting confident. A woman, in contrast, might answerthe same question with, “OK, but I could have handled the costissue a little better.” Like the man’s comment, hers does not nec-essarily describe what happened at the meeting. Rather, it reflectsher “desire for perfection.” If you rely on what each actually says,without taking into account the gender of the speaker, you areliable to draw erroneous conclusions. The same is true when menand women negotiate.
  • 159. MARS AND VENUS 137 The different negotiating styles men and women tend to exhibitare natural corollaries to these different communication styles.The relational style usually associated with women focuses on therelationship between the parties. Inherent in that negotiating styleis a desire not only to achieve substantive objectives but also todevelop the relationship between the two sides. The competitivestyle usually associated with men focuses more on the substantiveoutcome of the negotiation. Some women who are more comfort-able with a relational style adopt a competitive one because theybelieve it to be more effective, especially in business settings. Younot only need to be aware of your own style but also you need tobe able to move from one to the other, depending upon whomyou are negotiating with. You can determine your style by lookingat the criteria in the “Negotiating Styles” box below. Then gaugethe style of those with whom you are dealing so you can recog-nize how they are likely to approach negotiations and prepareaccordingly. Although it is important to be yourself, when youare dealing with someone whose style is different, recognize thisand adjust your style accordingly. You should also make frequentuse of active listening techniques to make sure the two of you arecommunicating. NEGOTIATING STYLES COMPETITIVE NEGOTIATING STYLE (MALE) • You want to get down to the business at hand as quickly as possible. • You keep small talk to a minimum except when it facilitates the negotiation. • Before you begin to negotiate, you want to find out about your counterpart’s status and make him or her aware of yours. • You give weight to what people say because of the position they hold. continued
  • 160. 138 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING • You do not consider a discussion successful unless you have made progress toward reaching a favorable agreement. • Satisfying the other parties’ interests is significant only to the extent that it furthers your own interests. • You want to reach an agreement as quickly and efficiently as possible. • The outcome of this negotiation takes priority, although you take into consideration the impact your actions might have on future dealings. RELATIONAL NEGOTIATING STYLE (FEMALE) • You want to get to know the other person first, before you begin to negotiate. • You would consider it rude not to talk about family and per- sonal matters before getting down to business. • You do not feel comfortable talking about your status and achievements because you do not want to appear to be boastful. • The positions people occupy means less than the positions they take when negotiating and your relationship with them. • You consider time spent establishing a better relationship to be time well spent. • You want the other parties to feel good when the negotiations are concluded. • You are willing to take the time necessary to satisfy everyone’s needs. • You consider the long-term relationship to be as important as the outcome of any single negotiation. If you are a woman negotiating with a man who favors a com-petitive style, you will find it effective to establish your creden-tials before you begin to seriously discuss the issues. You mightmention people you know in common, your accomplishments,and your position, or you might demonstrate your expertise inthe subject matter you are discussing. For example, you might
  • 161. MARS AND VENUS 139introduce yourself as Sally Jones, senior vice president of devel-opment for Mega Corporation, with a mandate to find promisingturnaround situations as possible investments. The man will thenknow your status in the organization and what you can do forhim. You could follow this up with a statement like, “I believethat you know Ron Smith. I just completed a deal with him inwhich we invested $10 million in his new biotech company.” Bymentioning that you just finished negotiating with someone theman knows, you have not only further enhanced your credibilitybut you have also invited him to check out your reputation as anegotiator with Ron Smith, which he will no doubt do at the firstopportunity. Assuming that your relationship with Ron Smith isgood, this should facilitate the negotiation. Many women feel uncomfortable discussing their credentialsbecause they fear being seen as boastful. But if you fail to establishyour legitimacy when you are negotiating with someone who favorsa competitive negotiating style, you put yourself at a disadvantage.DEALING WITH MEN WHO TAKE ADVANTAGE OFTHE RELATIONSHIPSometimes men negotiating with women who have a relationalstyle may try to manipulate the relationship to further their owninterests. If you suspect this is occurring, make sure that the rela-tionship is intended to help both parties get what they need, notto get you to give up what you want for the sake of the relation-ship. If you refuse to accept any agreement that does not satisfyyour interests, this tactic will not succeed.DEALING WITH MEN WHO TREAT NEGOTIATINGAS SPORTSome men who favor a competitive style like to negotiate just tonegotiate. It is sport for them. Negotiating is a competition. No
  • 162. 140 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGmatter what you agree to, it will never be enough. Very often,these men have trouble negotiating with women. It’s always hardfor them to lose, but losing to a woman is unthinkable. You needto recognize this negotiation-as-a-sport attitude and realize thatyou won’t be able to convince this person of the fairness of yourposition nor will you be able to collaborate with him to find amutually beneficial solution. Your choices are to provide himwith the illusion that he has bested you, or to create a new para-digm that he will not view as a contest that he needs to win. Ellen Sandles, executive director for the Tri-State Private Inves-tors Network, found herself in just such a situation when shewas forming the network. So she created a different negotiatingparadigm, which did not force this individual to lose face. She wastrying to persuade a potential member to join the network, but hedidn’t want to pay the $400 annual membership fee. The man inquestion was a multimillionaire who had made a fortune in merg-ers and acquisitions. He was a brilliant man who negotiated for aliving. Ellen gave him all the logical reasons why the organizationneeded to charge a membership fee. He suggested other waysthat the network could make money without charging a fee. Theykept going back and forth until she finally realized the issue wasnot money. The amount involved was insignificant to this man. Itwas about winning—he wanted to get something no one else hadgotten. So she created a new paradigm by changing the situation froma negotiation to information gathering. She said, “I’ll tell you what.I haven’t heard any objections from the other investors. So let metalk to them, and, if others raise similar concerns, I’ll reconsideryour request.” After about a month, she had met her initial mem-bership goal, and no one else had complained about the member-ship fee. She then sent the businessman a letter telling him that thenetwork was having its first meeting. She told him that she had 40
  • 163. MARS AND VENUS 141members and that none had raised concerns about the member-ship fee. She invited him to the meeting and said that the groupwould love to have him join them as a member. She added that hedidn’t need to RSVP; all he needed to do was to show up with hischeck. He did, and he became one of her best members. By acting as if there had been no dispute over the fee issue butrather an agreement to abide by the consensus of the group, Ellenwas able to get him to join. And, by never bringing up the factthat he had tried to negotiate a fee waiver but failed, she madesure he didn’t lose face. Had she mentioned it, he probably wouldnot have joined.CREATING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP WITH MENAs we mentioned in Chapter 2, most women are ineffective whenthey try to negotiate like men, particularly when they are negoti-ating with a man. If you try to go head-to-head with a man theway another man might, it is usually counterproductive. If youchallenge a man directly, you may be setting up a contest that heis likely to feel he has to win. NBC Universal’s president of stra-tegic initiatives Lisa Gersch was a college basketball player. Shelikens the head-to-head approach to what would happen to herat the college gym when she would get into pick-up games withmen she didn’t know: Either they completely overplay you because they are afraid you’ll win, or they don’t bother playing you at all. Either way, it doesn’t work. The same is true for negotiations. You need to make men feel comfortable. Lisa believes youdo that in business by “establishing that you are worthy of theirtrust, that you understand the issues, and that you are on thesame playing field. That way, they don’t feel the need to overplayyou or ignore you.”
  • 164. 142 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING NEGOTIATING TURN-ONS FOR MEN • Getting right down to business • Letting him go first • Finding out what he is interested in • Showing that you can get the deal done NEGOTIATING TURN-OFFS FOR MEN • Whining or crying • Engaging in too much small talk • Challenging him head on • Threatening You want the people you are negotiating with to relax. Talkabout things you have in common: family, mutual friends, sharedinterests. Put them at ease. As mentioned in Chapter 3, this willallow them to open up and provide you with the informationyou need to work out a deal. This is particularly important whenyou are negotiating with a man. Some men are threatened by astrong woman. They may feel threatened by your intelligence oryour position. Women make a mistake if they fail to recognizethis when it happens. If you find yourself in this situation, adjustyour style to make the man feel comfortable. Recognize his areasof expertise. Ask him questions to which he knows the answers.Solicit his opinions, particularly in his areas of expertise. Don’tset up confrontations. Get him to view you as an ally, and assurehim that you want to work with him. Gail Evans puts men at ease in negotiations by “trying to givein on the first question.” She tries “to be amenable to his firstrequest, which is usually a minor point. This allows him to relax.He thinks it will be easy and drops his guard. He then feels that
  • 165. MARS AND VENUS 143he has to give you something in return.” According to Gail, “Itis better to fight on the fifth point than on the first,” so I “try tohold my fire for the important points.” Employment attorney Nancy Erica Smith says, “Men can get awaywith threats. They can scream. Women who do that are shrill. If Iam aggressive, people are turned off and can’t hear me.” She some-time runs into female attorneys who think that to be effective theyneed to be more aggressive than their male counterparts. For thereasons discussed previously, that seldom works. Nancy describesone situation in which she was representing a terminated maleexecutive suing his former employer. The opposing counsel was awoman who had adopted an aggressive style and was badgeringand disrespectful to Nancy’s client. In the settlement discussions, thecompany lawyer took very unreasonable positions. The negotiationswere a disaster. The company eventually fired the woman lawyerand brought in a new lawyer. He took a totally different approach,and the case settled shortly thereafter. According to Nancy, the caseprobably would have settled for less, and much earlier, if the firstattorney had not sought to prove how tough she was.CREATING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP WITHOTHER WOMENWomen find it more difficult to negotiate with people they dislikethan men do. Experienced negotiators recognize this. So, beforegetting down to the actual negotiations, they will try to establisha common bond with them. Although this approach is usefulwith men, it is even more important when you negotiate withwomen. One female executive we interviewed notes: When you negotiate with women, it is better if you know some- thing personal about them so you can “chat them up.” That makes it easier to talk to them. It makes them more comfortable and reduces the level of contentiousness. They are flattered and feel more important. It makes it is easier to negotiate with them.
  • 166. 144 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING You can connect with some women just because you are bothwomen. KPMG’s Terri Santisi finds that, among female execu-tives in the entertainment industry, there is “an automatic mutualrespect when professional women negotiate with each other;whereas with a man you have to prove yourself.” But you cannotassume that just because you are dealing with another woman,you will share a sense of common purpose. Many women are sus-pect when you approach a situation that way. The apparent bondyou share is not genuine because you have not actually taken thetime to develop a relationship. According to Audrey Cramer, vice chair of commercial realestate services firm Cushman & Wakefield, “Negotiating withother women can often be the most productive negotiations.Women are usually task oriented, practical, and reasonable, andthey don’t let their egos compromise the end goal. They knowwhat needs to be done to get through the day.” However, shealso notes that the most unattractive quality she sees in women iswhen “they feel entitled to receive something simply because theyare dealing with other women.” She says, “Regardless of whetheryou are a man or woman, young or old, you better earn whateveryou expect someone else to give you.” NEGOTIATING TURN-ONS FOR WOMEN • Taking time to find out about her • Treating her professionally • Showing respect for her point of view NEGOTIATING TURN-OFFS FOR WOMEN • Threatening • Screaming • Being sarcastic
  • 167. MARS AND VENUS 145 Negotiating with other women can also be difficult if theyview you as competition or feel a need to prove that they areas tough as men. When you are faced with a woman who has acompetitive negotiating style, she will probably be tougher withyou because you are a woman. If you find yourself in this situ-ation, negotiate with her as you would with anyone who has acompetitive negotiating style. Establish your credentials, exhibitconfidence, and be prepared to walk away if necessary. Whether you are negotiating with men or women, treatpeople as individuals. Everyone has their hot buttons. Find outwhat these are. Talk with people who know them. Learn whatis important to them. Develop a relationship. Determining theirnegotiating style will also help you understand what they areactually saying and allow you to negotiate in a way that they canrelate to. The better you understand them, the more effective youwill be.
  • 168. 7 Next to care in choosing a partner, I should place courtesy after marriage. — M. W. DA M ROSCH Every Day Can Be Valentine’s Day Getting What You Want from Your Significant OtherWe started this book with a story that Jerri DeVard, former chiefmarketing officer for Citigroup, told about her son and a littlegirl who had quite distinct views as to the best use for a watergun. That story demonstrates how different men and women canbe even at a young age. The first time I heard Jerri speak at abusiness conference, however, she said something that illustratesthose differences even more powerfully. Someone from the audi-ence asked her about her greatest success. She didn’t point toone of her many successful marketing campaigns, as I assumedshe would. Instead, without a moment’s hesitation, she replied,“Choosing my husband to marry.” I thought to myself that noman I knew would have answered that way. I also thought aboutwhat a good answer it was. Deciding whom you will marry maybe the most important decision of your life. When it comes to 146
  • 169. EVERY DAY CAN BE VALENTINE’S DAY 147negotiating successfully with your spouse, it helps to pick theright person to marry.CHOOSE WISELYIn any negotiation, deciding whom to deal with often determineshow successful the process will be. The same is true in yourmarriage. If finding a good fit is important when you choose anemployer, how much more important is it when you choose some-one with whom to share your life? It is much easier to negotiatewith someone who shares your basic values and who loves andrespects you than with someone who does not. In a marriage, asin many other types of negotiations, if you choose the right part-ner, the relationship becomes more important than the outcome.And that makes negotiating easier, no matter what the issue. Choosing the right partner starts with avoiding the obviouslywrong ones, according to Karen Salmansohn, self-help guru andauthor of the Prince Harming Syndrome. She advises, “You gottakiss a lot of frogs before you meet your Prince—but no need tokiss those pigs, dogs, and jackasses.” According to Karen, youare more likely to find the right partner if you “surround yourselfwith people of good character.” Janice Lieberman, NBC Today Show consumer reporter andauthor of How to Shop for a Husband: How to Get a Great Buyon a Guy, adds that when it comes to choosing a potential hus-band, “Don’t price yourself out of the market. You don’t have tosettle, but you do need to be realistic. Don’t wait for that PrinceCharming who doesn’t exist.” Negotiating with your spouse, however, is unlike any othernegotiation. If you don’t agree, you cannot simply walk away. Inaddition, you and your husband probably know each other betterthan anyone else with whom you will ever negotiate. To compli-
  • 170. 148 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGcate matters further, it is difficult, if not impossible, to take theemotion out of the situation.NEGOTIATE RARELYThe secret to negotiating with your husband is to do it as littleas possible. Women who have successful marriages have foundways to do that. If you and your partner are basically on the samewavelength regarding most issues, you will have fewer issues tonegotiate. Moreover, when you do, it will be easier to find com-mon ground. But even if you and your spouse share many values,you won’t agree on everything. Professional matchmaker Saman-tha Daniels, founder and president of Samantha’s Table, advises:“While most aspects of a relationship are negotiable, you needto let someone you are dating know your ‘must-haves’ up front.”She adds: “Some women, when they are dating, compromise toomuch. You don’t want to compromise yourself.” The trick whenyou are dating, and when you are married, is to avoid having tonegotiate about every little issue about which you disagree. When you negotiate during a marriage, you must keep therelationship foremost in your mind because it is usually moreimportant than the outcome in any given instance. Anythingyou do or say when you negotiate with your spouse may havean impact on the relationship well beyond the particular issueyou are trying to resolve. How you say things matters. Negotia-tions in marriage can never be about winning, so avoid personalattacks, and focus on the issues. Still, to have a healthy relation-ship, you cannot always be giving in. You must feel, overall, thatthe relationship is balanced—that you get as much as you give.Otherwise, you will become angry or resentful. Most of the women we interviewed who said they had success-ful marriages also said they rarely negotiated with their husbandsbecause they shared basic values and had few disagreements tobegin with. However, no two people agree on everything. Indi-viduals bring different things to relationships, and it is often those
  • 171. EVERY DAY CAN BE VALENTINE’S DAY 149differences that attract people to one another in the first place. Ina marriage, it’s important to appreciate and respect those differ-ences. Doing so will also reduce the need to negotiate. The key to a successful marriage is to devise ways of resolvingissues so you don’t have to negotiate often and then only aboutimportant things. Contrary to what one might expect, it is thefights over unimportant things that usually destroy marriages.If, for example, you say something harsh while negotiating aboutsomething insignificant, it can cause untold damage to the rela-tionship. If one of you loses your temper while you are discussingsomething important, it is easier to forgive; it hurts much moreif what you are arguing about is inconsequential. Most couplescan work out the things that really matter as long as they are notconstantly fighting about the ones that don’t. The negotiation about how the two of you will resolve dis-agreements is the most important negotiation you can havewith your spouse. However, the negotiation is seldom explicit. Itoften begins at the start of the relationship and takes place overan extended period of time. You may not even realize that thisnegotiation is occurring, but if it is successful, it will serve as thefoundation for a good marriage. When discussing how they resolve most everyday issues with-out negotiating, most of our interviewees, remarkably, describethe same process. Typically, each partner takes responsibility forcertain decisions. These decision-making responsibilities gener-ally correspond to each spouse’s perceived areas of expertise.One might take responsibility for the finances, while the othermight take responsibility for the couple’s activities. In other mat-ters, each would defer to the spouse who cared most about theparticular issue. Some couples also defer making a decision ifthey cannot agree because a matter will often resolve itself if youjust keep the lines of communication open and give it some timebefore making a decision. NBC Universal’s president of strategic initiatives, Lisa Gersch,and her husband have adopted this basic approach. According
  • 172. 150 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGto Lisa, “We both have strong personalities, and we really needto divide things based on who cares the most about something.Each of us gets to call the shots about the things that are impor-tant to us.” When they discuss something, it is usually obviouswho cares most about it. For example, he cares about their car, sohe gets to pick it. She usually makes the weekend plans becauseshe cares more about where they go and what they do in theirleisure time than he does. Both really care about their kids, sowhen it comes to issues concerning them, they “respect eachother’s expertise.” If they disagree, they shelve the discussionuntil they can find a neutral time when things are not “emotion-ally charged” and try to find a compromise. The collaboratetechniques of trading, expanding the pie, coupling interests, andidentifying other ways to satisfy everyone’s interests discussed inChapter 4 can be very useful in resolving these situations. Author Jean Hollands describes a situation she encounteredas a marriage counselor working with a couple who had beenmarried for 37 years but had never gone on a successful vacationtogether. They were about to go on their dream vacation, an Afri-can safari, and they sought Jean’s help. She gave them one simplepiece of advice that made an enormous difference: to take turnsdeciding anything on which they disagreed throughout the trip.If they both wanted to do something, they would do it, but if theydisagreed, they would take turns deciding. In keeping with thatapproach, each would be responsible for the itinerary on alter-nating days. For example, on Monday he would decide what theywould do and where they would eat. On Tuesday, it was her turn.When they returned home, they could not thank Jean enough. Itwas the best trip they ever had. Both did things they would nototherwise have done—and enjoyed them. The technique Jean suggested is a form of the “coupling inter-ests” technique discussed in Chapter 4. If a single decision aboutwhat to do is too difficult to resolve, you couple it with futuredecisions and agree to take turns deciding. The same techniquecan be used to resolve other disagreements that arise during a
  • 173. EVERY DAY CAN BE VALENTINE’S DAY 151marriage, and it is particularly useful for dealing with recurringissues. For example, if your husband likes to eat Chinese foodwhen you go out but you prefer Italian, you can use a 50/50approach and simply alternate. A better approach might be whatJean refers to as “one-third, one-third, one-third”—that is, oneweek you go out for Italian, the next week you eat Chinese, andthe third week you try something different. That allows you towork on negotiating where to eat the third week, and you can fallback on alternating who chooses if you cannot agree. Problems can arise if the solutions that couples devise to sharedecision making result in either partner’s feeling that the rela-tionship is too one-sided. If you find yourself giving in or goingalong too often, you may need to renegotiate the decision-makingprocess in your marriage. Just as the way you make decisions asa couple initially developed over time, often without your real-izing it was occurring, the process can be changed the same way.When you renegotiate certain issues, you are in essence renegoti-ating the relationship. Changes to your decision-making processas a couple do not occur in the abstract. The couple describedabove renegotiated how they made decisions in the context of avacation, but they did more than that. Rest assured that whenthey disagree about other matters now, they will use what workedfor them on that vacation and take turns making decisions. Thatis how you renegotiate decision-making arrangements—one deci-sion at a time. When you decide that it is necessary to renegotiate your rela-tionship, do so in the context of an issue that is important to you.If you have spent the last three Christmases with your husband’sfamily and you want to spend this Christmas with yours, use theconvince, collaborate, and create techniques we have discussedto get him to agree. Focus on what it will take to convince himand what is in it for him. This may be something as simple as anappeal to fairness or offering to spend New Year’s with his fam-ily. Or it may be telling him that, although you care about whathe wants, you are going to spend Christmas with your family this
  • 174. 152 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGyear whether he chooses to go with you or not. The one-third,one-third, one-third approach works particularly well in thisinstance; you could propose this Christmas at your parents, nextChristmas at his parents, and the following Christmas in Hawaii(where your husband can play golf). Keep in mind, however, thatyou are redefining the relationship. This type of change does notcome easily to most people. So be certain that both the immedi-ate issue and changing the nature of the relationship are impor-tant enough to you that you can remain resolute in your positionand withstand any discomfort or even anger that may result.COMMUNICATE OFTENIt is no secret that to have a good marriage, you must be ableto communicate with your spouse. If you don’t talk with eachother, if you don’t share things, then something major is missingin the marriage. In a few short paragraphs, we cannot teach youhow to share your innermost feelings with your husband or howto get him to share his with you. What we can tell you is this:while you should rarely negotiate with your spouse, you shouldalways communicate. If something is bothering you, don’t ignoreit. Resentment will build up, and it will hurt your marriage. Use the active listening techniques discussed in Chapter 3 towork out issues that arise in the marriage. Look at things fromhis perspective. Let your husband know how much his effortsmean to you, and remember to show appreciation for the thingsthat you love about him. If you do, you’ll be more successful innegotiating for the things that are important to you. For example,let’s say that your husband thinks you cannot afford it, but youreally want your daughter to experience summer camp. You canstart out by acknowledging that camp costs a lot of money andthen offer ideas for saving money elsewhere, such as taking a lessexpensive family vacation. Much of the negotiating in a marriage is not explicit but merelyan effort to keep the relationship in balance. With that in mind,take note when you compromise on an issue that is important
  • 175. EVERY DAY CAN BE VALENTINE’S DAY 153to your husband. Then, when you want him to do the same foryou, you can gently remind him of it. You will be surprised howeffective this can be. Whenever you do that, write it down. Thatway you will remember the compromises you have made whenthe time comes to ask for something you want. It’s also important to know what’s negotiable with your hus-band and what isn’t, and how to approach various issues. Asformer CNN anchor Jan Hopkins notes: “No doesn’t necessarilymean no. It may just mean that this is not the right time to dealwith the issue, or that you are not going about it in the right way.”Think through what is important to your husband. You have tobe willing to work through issues and give up on some things.You should expect the same in return.NEGOTIATE RESPONSIBILITIES: YOUR TURN TODO THE LAUNDRYIf you find yourself resenting doing most of the housework, eventhough both of you work full time, talk about it. Don’t harp on it.Don’t nag. Use the convince, collaborate, and create techniquesto work something out. Find a quiet time when the children arenot around, and talk about the issue. Prepare for your discussionby making a list of all the things you do for your husband and thethings that are most important to him. Then list all the choresaround the house and how often they need to be done. Thesethen become the subject of negotiation. As the two of you talk, pay attention to his responses and keephis interests firmly in mind. You might use a convince approachand ask him to handle some of the chores by appealing to hissense of fairness. You might use collaborate and offer him theopportunity to play more golf or to visit your mother less often ifhe helps out more. Along the same lines, you might suggest thatyou would feel a lot more romantic if you were less overwhelmedwith housework. Or you might try to create by suggesting that,instead of reallocating the work between the two of you, youhire someone to help with the housework. As you would in any
  • 176. 154 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGother negotiation, approach this subject from his perspective.Whatever you agree to, be specific. If your husband agrees to dothe dishes on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays, they will getdone, at least most of the time. If he agrees only that he will dothem three days a week, more often than not his response willbe “I’ll do them tomorrow.” By being explicit about your agree-ments, you can avoid future arguments and negative feelings.Although not every spouse will respond to this approach, somewill, in which case, these techniques can bring you surprisingand satisfactory results. Negotiating household issues generally is not that difficult,if both parties recognize that in the end, they both have to feelthat the resolution is fair. Martha Ward, a director at Cushman& Wakefield, who has been married for almost 30 years, tellshow she had to teach her otherwise brilliant and hardworkinghusband the importance of deferring household decisions to themost appropriate decision maker. Early in their marriage whenthey were surviving on limited financial resources and beforemost personal computers and mobile phones had easy to use“apps” to create household budgets, he brought home a compli-cated budget spreadsheet he had obviously spent a lot of timepreparing. Spreadsheet in hand, he told her what her clothingallowance was, how much they could spend eating out, and howmuch they could allocate to each type of expenditure in orderto meet their budget goals. She agreed to accept his unilaterallyimposed limits on “discretionary” expenditures, but she got himto agree that basic necessities like grocery shopping should beexcluded from the budgeting scope. After a few months of comparing receipts and reviewing theirbudget results, he asked her, “How come I am living a very con-strained, frugal life in order to barely keep my side of the budgetbalanced, and every month you are well below your allowableexpenditures?” Then she showed him the grocery receipts thatfor the past few months had included makeup, stockings, under-wear, and other items that could be excluded from her “shopping,
  • 177. EVERY DAY CAN BE VALENTINE’S DAY 155activities, and hobbies budget categories” because they could bepurchased at the grocery store. He quickly realized imposingdecisions on how the household would be run without consultingher was not a productive way to negotiate in a marriage.NEGOTIATING LOVE: GETTING WHAT YOU WANT INTHE BEDROOMWhen it comes to sex, as with anything else, you must be willingto talk about what you want. Don’t expect your husband to beable to read your mind. After all, he hasn’t up to this point, oryou wouldn’t need to have this discussion. The need to discusssex, however, does not mean it is an easy conversation to have.Sex is a sensitive subject. Where the male ego is involved—and italways is when the topic is sex—there is tremendous potential tohurt your partner’s feelings and the relationship. Most men wantto be good lovers. In fact, most men think they are. But unlikehow men generally learn other skills, they seldom have a knowl-edgeable teacher to instruct them in the art of making love. Mostlearn to make love through trial and error, often with someonewho is no more knowledgeable than they are. For some, theirfirst partner is their spouse. To make things more difficult, notonly do men and women differ physiologically and emotionallywhen it comes to sex, each person is different. People responddifferently to various stimuli. Your spouse may not know exactlywhat you want; by the same token, you may not fully understandwhat he desires. You can approach this issue by using convince, collaborate,or create or some combination all three approaches. You canencourage and reinforce while you are actually making love.If you approach this “negotiation” collaboratively, this may bewhen he is most receptive to your suggestions. Keep the moodlight and low pressure. Suggest what you would like him to do,casually at first, and see if he picks up on a few repetitive, gentlehints. When he does something that is particularly pleasing,
  • 178. 156 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGlet him know, and show that you appreciate what he is doing.In return, try to do what he desires. Both of you should feelcomfortable with whatever shared activities you choose. If youbecome uncomfortable, you should say so—but how you say itwill make all the difference in the world. When you do say no,do so in a way that focuses on your feelings and is not judgmen-tal or critical of what he wants. Perhaps suggest something elsethat you are comfortable with that may satisfy curiosity for bothof you. Communicating and focusing on the positive aspects ofthe experience will lead to opportunities to enhance your mutualsatisfaction. You can also discuss the issue directly. First, try to figure outwhat the real issue is. Why has it arisen at this moment? Is sexreally the issue, or are problems with the children or money spill-ing over into the bedroom? If the real problem is something else,discuss it. If it is about sex, then you may decide that it is bestto talk about it. But don’t just bring up the subject and expect todiscuss it right then and there. Give your significant other sometime. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed that you don’tseem to be as interested in making love as you used to be. I’vegot some concerns as well. So why don’t we sit down and talkabout it? When would be good time?” Your significant other willprobably try to avoid that discussion. He may deny that there is aproblem or even become defensive and insist on discussing it thatinstant. If you can, though, try to get him to agree on a specifictime and place to discuss the subject. Pick a time when it willbe quiet and no one else will be around. Then, when the timecomes, don’t let him find an excuse to postpone the discussion. Start by asking him about his feelings and what he wants,likes, or thinks can be better. Use your active listening skills.Once he knows that you are open to hearing him, he will be morewilling to listen to you. At some point, you must be willing to tellhim exactly what you want and what the problems are from yourperspective. You can do that gently, but you do need to put theissues on the table. Remember, if you don’t ask for it, you won’t
  • 179. EVERY DAY CAN BE VALENTINE’S DAY 157get it. Be prepared to use all the various convince and collaboratetechniques we have discussed. Your significant other may reactby raising even more issues about what you are not doing, but donot allow yourself to become emotional or defensive. When you have both finished describing what you see as theproblems, see if there is anything you can agree on. Are therethings you would both like to try, or things that you would prefernot to do? Decide when you want to work on what you have dis-cussed. Perhaps you might want to go away for a weekend or planto have a nice dinner beforehand, but don’t create too much pres-sure around a “majestic event” where expectations will inevitablycompromise a potentially wonderful experience. Don’t expect tofix everything with just one discussion. The next time you makelove, show that you appreciate your significant other’s efforts toimprove your relationship. Be supportive and understanding, tryto make it fun for both of you, and don’t give up if things don’twork perfectly the first time. Finally you might want to try to create a new paradigm whenyou are negotiating in this arena. You might buy a book on thesubject and read it together, or try something very different andsee how he responds. One couple I know bought a book onTantric sex, which provided them with a framework to exploreeach other’s desires. Stripped of all the spiritual Eastern ele-ments, which may appeal to some of you and with which otherswill be uncomfortable, Tantric sex, at its most basic level, is noth-ing more than having each of you take turns exploring the other’sbody. It provides a structured way to learn what each of you fi ndpleasurable. While you are touching your partner’s body, he isexpected to tell you what he likes and vice versa. Negotiating a better sex life is partly about communicating,partly about reciprocating, and partly about being creative. Whenyou think about it that way, it is nothing more than a variation onother types of negotiating. Finally, depending on your relationshipand the depth of the problem, you might even consider having thisdiscussion with a marriage counselor or other professional.
  • 180. 158 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGBOYFRIENDS ARE NOT HUSBANDSNegotiating with a boyfriend is different from negotiating with ahusband. How you approach the situation will depend on whereyou are in that relationship. You can generally get just about any-thing you want early in a relationship because most men are tryingto impress you and are trying to make you happy. If a man doesnot behave that way at the start of the relationship, it is unlikelythat he ever will. Assuming that he treats you well, do not takeadvantage of him or take his efforts for granted. Jessica notes: When you show that you appreciate his attention, it will con- tinue. As a woman, I have always found that if you stop showing appreciation, those efforts will cease. Moreover, showing your appreciation makes future negotiations easier. The more you let your boyfriend know that you appreciate his efforts to make you happy, the more issues like where to go to dinner, what movie to see, and whose friends to spend time with will be resolved the way you would like. Relationships require give-and-take. You cannot always getyour own way. But neither of you should feel that you are givingmore than you are receiving. Healthy, mature men are seldomattracted to women who do not stand up for themselves. If youare perceived as a “pushover,” you will destroy any chance ofbeing able to successfully negotiate with your boyfriend in thefuture. Use the three keys to successful negotiating to guide you whenyou are dealing with your boyfriend: be confident, be prepared,and always be willing to walk away. Confidence is one of themost attractive qualities any person can have. It is just as impor-tant when you are dating as it is in business. We all have insecuri-ties in our personal lives—even more so than in our professionallives. The key, in dating as in other negotiations, is to not let them
  • 181. EVERY DAY CAN BE VALENTINE’S DAY 159show. If you exude confidence, men won’t notice your imperfec-tions. However, your own insecurities will magnify any flaws, ifyou let them, so exhibit confidence. Smile. Be friendly. Don’t beafraid to talk to new people. This will multiply your options whenit comes to dating and, as in any other negotiation, the moreoptions you have, the more confident you will feel and the moresuccessful you will be. The confidence-building technique suggested by psychologistPatricia Farrell, to psych yourself up with a little mental pep talkbefore negotiating, works particularly well when you are dealingwith a boyfriend. Make a mental list of everything you do for himand the things that make you special. Remember, he is alreadyattracted to you; otherwise, he would not have been interested inthe first place. Figure out which of your qualities he finds mostattractive—your sense of humor, your intelligence, your abilityto get along with his friends, or whatever makes him want to bewith you—and accentuate those qualities when you are with him.This will not only remind him why he likes you but it will alsogive you the confidence you need to ask for, and feel entitled toget, what you want. Figuring out what you want in a boyfriend is equally important.What qualities are you looking for? What values are importantto you? Most important, don’t compromise on your deal-breakerissues. Look for men who share your values. Shared values makefrequent negotiations unnecessary and will facilitate reachingresolutions that work for both of you in those instances whenyou need to negotiate. You need not share all the same interests,but if you don’t share basic core values, you’ll find it difficultto negotiate in a relationship. You’ll find yourself spending toomuch time negotiating or giving in too often just to maintain therelationship. Neither is healthy. Being prepared in a relationship also means knowing what youwant and why you want it. It is difficult enough for two peopleto work out the issues that inevitably arise in a relationship when
  • 182. 160 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGthey both want different things. When either or both of them donot know what they want, it is virtually impossible. This does notmean being insistent or demanding, which will not help any rela-tionship. Knowing what you want and what is important to you,being flexible about the details, and being able to communicatewithout getting emotional will create an environment conduciveto working out any problem. Believing that you deserve what youare asking for is the best way to get it.RATION YOUR EMOTIONSAlthough it helps to remain detached when you negotiate, it isalmost impossible to eliminate emotions when you are negotiatingwith a boyfriend or husband. Emotions drive relationships in thefirst place. Use them to your advantage. When it comes to display-ing emotions, consider “violating expectations.” If you habituallycry or scream, your boyfriend will not take you seriously. He willalso find your behavior irritating. If, on the other hand, you reservedisplays of strong emotions for times when you are truly upset, hewill take you very seriously indeed. Jessica advises: As a woman, particularly at the start of a relationship, I tend to keep my feelings to myself. So when I do show emotions, it has a huge impact. I can remember one instance where I was having one of those days when nothing seemed to go right. My boy- friend at the time had already made plans to go out with his friends that evening. All I had to do was let him hear in my voice how upset I was to get him to stop by on his way out. Once he was there, an unintended tear caused him to cancel his plans and take me out. My emotions were genuine, and because I rarely let them show, they were incredibly powerful. But had I cried on a regular basis, he probably would not even have come over. He even commented that in the eight months that he had known me, this was the first time he had ever seen me cry.
  • 183. EVERY DAY CAN BE VALENTINE’S DAY 161 Before negotiating with your boyfriend, try to put yourself inhis shoes. Figure out what he might want that would balancewhat you are requesting. Determine what might convince himthat your request is reasonable. Play out a few possible scenariosin your head. Prepare for how he might react so you can neutral-ize any emotional response. Be careful not to make him feel thatyou are trying to manipulate him. No one enjoys being manipu-lated or being taken advantage of. You can avoid that by makingsure that his interests are being satisfied along with your own.SOME BOYFRIENDS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE HUSBANDS,AT LEAST NOT YOURSWhen you are dating, you must be willing to walk away. Ifyou are not, you will not be able to negotiate effectively. Moreimportantly, you will end up in the wrong relationships. Datingis an opportunity to find out what is important to you in a rela-tionship—what is worth compromising on and where you drawthe line. It is a time to find someone with whom you can havea special relationship. It is an opportunity to see how the twoof you negotiate and whether you can work together to resolveissues. If you discover that you are with the wrong person, walkaway. Knowing what you want, or at least what you don’t want,will enable you to make the right decisions. Everyone has his or her deal breakers in a relationship. Onetrue sign that you are “settling” for a relationship that is not rightfor you is when you compromise on things that were nonnego-tiable when you thought you had more time, options, or confi-dence. It does not matter how old you are or how many timesyou have been married, it is inevitable that you will date menwith whom you cannot negotiate or with whom you find yourselfgiving in on too many things. Avoid dating these men; you havelittle chance for a lasting relationship with them. Dating givesyou insight into how things will be for the two of you in the long
  • 184. 162 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGrun, so pay attention to how you work out your differences—ifthe relationship fails to go well in its early stages, it rarely getsbetter. Jessica adds: One time after a heated argument with a relatively new boy- friend, I told him, “It’s over. I am throwing in the towel.” To dramatize my point, I actually picked up a towel, threw it at him, and left. Later on that night he called to apologize, and for a short while the relationship improved. Of course, when the same problems keep recurring, it is a clear signal that you are with the wrong person. When that happens, you should be will- ing to walk away, which is what I did with that boyfriend. No matter how much time you have spent trying to build a relation- ship, if it is not working you need to break it off. After you know the person you are dating well and havedeveloped a relationship, you can use many of the same negotiat-ing approaches that you would use if you were married. Workout ground rules for resolving disagreements. Defer to him inareas that are more important to him than to you or in whichone of you has greater expertise. But make sure these efforts arereciprocated.MARRIAGE: IF HE DOESN’T OFFER, BE WILLING TOWALK AWAYLeil Lowndes, author of How to Make Anyone Fall in Love withYou, recognizes that to be successful in business, you have to bewilling to walk away. When it comes to love, she recommendsthe same approach. If the time has long since passed for yourboyfriend to ask you to marry him, Leil suggests this: Without harping on it, you let your boyfriend know that you would like to get married. If he doesn’t respond, make things really wonderful for him. Then, after a while, if he still doesn’t
  • 185. EVERY DAY CAN BE VALENTINE’S DAY 163 feel that he can commit, explain that it isn’t fair to either of you to continue and you should both be free to seek someone to whom you can commit. Then, Leil advises, “Walk away. Refuse to talk to him, don’tsee him, and don’t take his calls. If he does not propose, he prob-ably never would have anyway.” How to Shop for a Husbandauthor Janice Lieberman explains, “Men have an expiration date.Like bad yogurt, there comes a time when you have to toss it.”When that time arrives: no hysterics, no crying, just a business-like discussion. Tell your man that you need to know where therelationship is going. If it is not heading toward marriage, youneed to move on. Janice had that discussion with her future hus-band after they had been dating for three months. He didn’t callfor two weeks, but then he called and asked to go away togetherfor a weekend. Three months later they were married. Professional matchmaker Samantha Daniels adds, “Don’tpressure, but let him know what your time line is because guysneed time to process that information.” According to Daniels,“The key to this whole negotiation is once you say it, you have todo it. Otherwise you will be like the boy who cried wolf.” Many of you wouldn’t want to marry a man who needed thatmuch encouragement to pop the question. Sometimes, though,you do need to force the issue. Being confident in what you haveto offer and being willing to walk away will help you to get whatyou want. For three years, Carol Evans, president and CEO ofWorking Mother Media, had been dating the man she wanted tomarry. But she wanted children, and he was hesitant. Her friendswarned her to stop talking about children because it was scaringhim. She did not take their advice because she was not about tomarry him unless he also wanted children. Instead, she told himwhat a great father he would make and gave him a six-monthdeadline, until New Year’s Day, to decide if he wanted to marryher. She also told him she did not want to talk him into anythingand that she would not mention it again. On October 31, at a
  • 186. 164 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGHalloween party, he announced to all their friends that they weregoing to get married. Janice Lieberman offers some convince techniques designed toenhance the perceived value you bring to the table. Start by “mak-ing him feel like he is doing the shopping because you are a greatbuy,” she advises. She also suggests “keeping the relationship shortand hot,” which means, for example, “no doing his laundry.” In the end, if your boyfriend does not want to marry you, thenyou have to be willing to walk away—not because he won’t marryyou but because he is not the right person for you. The abilityto do that will not only make you more attractive to him but toothers as well. Love is not about negotiating, but living with someone andgetting along with him is. Early on, work out a way to resolveissues that is fair to both of you and doesn’t require you to con-stantly negotiate with each other. If you do, you won’t have tonegotiate often, and when you do, it won’t be difficult.
  • 187. 8 Even if society dictates that men and women should behave in certain ways, it is fathers and mothers who teach those ways to children— not just in the words they say, but in the lives they lead. —A UGUST US Y. N A PI ER Negotiating with Your Family If You Can Negotiate with a Two-Year-Old, You Can Negotiate with AnyoneNegotiating with your children is not much different from nego-tiating with anyone else. Most of the time, if you treat them withthe same respect that you would a friend or business associate,you will succeed not only in the negotiation itself but also inmaintaining a healthy relationship with them. You can see thiseven when you negotiate with very young children. For example,when Cosmopolitan Group Publishing Director Donna Laganinegotiates with her four-year-old son, she uses the same tech-niques she uses in business. She sets expectations well in advance. 165
  • 188. 166 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGShe tells him, “You are going to bed after your favorite televisionprogram.” She gets him to agree: “Now, when this show is over,you will go to bed, right? Do we have a deal? Let’s shake on it.”Then she reminds him along the way: “You know this show willbe over in a few minutes and that you are going to bed. Right?”And when it is time to go to bed, he goes to bed.JUST ONE MORE SHOW, THEN I’LL DO MY HOMEWORKThere is one crucial difference when you negotiate with yourchildren. You are ultimately responsible for their well-being andsafety. Therefore, sometimes you simply have to say no. In thoseinstances, you must be willing to assert your authority as the par-ent. No matter how persuasive your eight-year-old may be, youare not going to let her stay out by herself until three o’clock inthe morning. Often the problem is not that parents are unwilling to say no;it is that they say it too readily. Even though you ultimately havethe power to dictate the outcome when you negotiate with yourchildren, that doesn’t mean you should use it. Any negotiationwith a child that ends with your saying, “Because I said so!” doesnothing to help your child develop confidence, judgment, or theability to negotiate. It is better to allow children broad latitude innegotiating with you, particularly as they get older. If you are going to negotiate with your children, you mustalso be willing to compromise with them. Don’t just tell themno. Give them choices. Let them propose options. Teach themthat their opinion is valuable. Try not to make big issues out oflittle ones. If your six-year-old wants to wear striped pants witha checked shirt, you can suggest another combination, but if sheinsists, you might want to let her go ahead and wear it. Children need to know that certain things are negotiable andothers are not. Going to school and getting good grades maynot be negotiable. On the other hand, curfews—staying out pastcurfew on a special occasion, what time the curfew is, or even
  • 189. NEGOTIATING WITH YOUR FAMILY 167whether they have a curfew—may well be issues you are willingto negotiate. If you are consistent, children will respect the linesyou draw, and you will avoid a lot of unnecessary fighting. If,however, you do not allow them to negotiate about some things,they will never develop the skills and confidence they need to doso later in life. Moreover, your relationship will suffer, particu-larly as they grow older. One way to teach your child negotiating skills, as well as othervalues, is to negotiate an allowance. Many parents simply assigntheir children certain chores and give them an allowance. WhenJessica was growing up, we agreed that she would do certainchores around the house. In return, she received a certain allow-ance out of which she was expected to pay for her lunches, mov-ies, treats, and anything else she wanted. Periodically she soughtto renegotiate the amount, and I used the opportunity to allowher to convince me why her allowance should be raised. Some-times we negotiated about her adding other chores in return foran increase. What chores she was expected to do and what shewould get in return in the form of an allowance were open tonegotiation. That exercise taught her valuable lessons. LEE: When Jessica started babysitting, I tried to use the opportunity to teach her more about negotiating. I sug- gested that she find out the going rate for babysitting and ask for it from the parents. That is a hard thing for any young girl to do, but learning to ask is an important les- son that I wanted to teach her. JESSICA: I guess that by then I had already learned how to “break the rules.” I knew instinctively that it was better to let the other side make the first offer, so instead of asking for a specific rate, I told the parents to pay me “whatever they thought was appropriate.” Of course, it was always at least as much as, and usually more than, the going rate. I guess that if anyone had ever offered me less than the going rate, I would have simply asked for more.
  • 190. 168 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING Sometimes, you may find it helpful to involve a third party.In your discussions with your children, they will often listen toadvice from an aunt or a family friend that they would ignore ifit came from their parents. You can use friends and relatives thesame way that you might use an expert in a business negotia-tion. (See Chapter 3, pages 92–94.) For example, when Jessica’syounger sister Samantha was having trouble in school, I askedJessica to talk to her. Both her mother and I had spoken toSamantha, to no effect, but she looks up to her sister. So whenJessica gave her some ideas about how she could do better inschool, she took them seriously. When you negotiate with your children, you must be able tolisten to them. That may not always be easy because of all theemotions that come into play. You have to deal not only withtheir emotions but with your own as well. You have a differentperspective on life than they do. To a teenager, everything islife and death. How many times have you heard your teenagedaughter say, “If you don’t let me do this, I’ll just die.” To you theissue may seem unimportant. Ten years from now, you’ll bothhave forgotten whether or not you let her stay out until midnight.But to her, at that moment, it’s the most important issue in theworld. She honestly believes that whether or not you allow her togo somewhere or do something will have a major impact on herlife. This doesn’t mean that you have to let children do what theywant, but you do need to understand how they feel. Elaine Conway, director of the New York State Commissionon Women, expressed it this way: “Learn how to deal withchildren on their level. If you start from where they are, it willbe easier to get to where you want to go.” Determine what theirinterests are. Why is this important to them? Is it peer pressure?Is it about status? Is the issue independence? Remember you and your children are approaching the situ-ation with very different perspectives. You want them to avoidmaking mistakes. You want to protect them and not see them get
  • 191. NEGOTIATING WITH YOUR FAMILY 169hurt. They, on the other hand, are exploring. They are testing.They are learning. Allow them to make mistakes, provided thattheir safety and well-being are not jeopardized. Encouraging children to be advocates for their positions willfoster their negotiating skills. Ask them to explain why they wantsomething. If you have a problem with what they are askingfor, have them suggest alternatives. Try to remember what wasimportant to you when you were young. Again, ultimately youhave the power to say no, and sometimes you have no choicebut to assert that power. Doing what they want may not be intheir best interest, and you may not be able to convince them ofthat. This situation commonly arises with teenagers when theirfriends are allowed to do things that you feel are inappropriate.However, that is often exactly when you should be negotiatingwith them. Even though you disagree, they need to feel that youare taking their feelings into account and not simply exercisingyour authority as a parent. Otherwise they may, as teenagerssometimes do, choose to engage in the very behavior you areseeking to prevent. Show your child the same respect you would if you were nego-tiating with a stranger. Try to take the emotion out of the situa-tion. Take a deep breath. Don’t react on the spot. Give yourselfsome time to reflect. Allow your child some time to prepare. Set atime aside to discuss the issue in a quiet place where you will notbe interrupted. Then listen, and use the same negotiating tech-niques you would use with anyone else. Avoid being condescend-ing, especially when dealing with teenagers. Treat their viewswith respect and don’t talk down to your children, no matterwhat their age. It also helps to acknowledge their feelings. Youcan say things like, “I understand how hard you are working,” or“I understand why you think this is so important.” By listeningto your children and showing them that you understand theirposition, they will be more open to listening to you. Often thatis all they are looking for. In most cases, if you show your child
  • 192. 170 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGthat you respect his or her opinion, you will be able to work outa solution that is acceptable to everyone. G. G. Michelson tells of negotiating with her daughter, then17, who wanted to travel through Europe with a friend for thesummer. As part of that trip, she wanted to visit the then SovietUnion. G. G. and her husband were concerned about her safety.Her daughter, of course, felt she could handle anything thatarose. It was a very difficult negotiation. G. G. found it hardto keep emotions out of it. They all sought, however, to achievesome common ground. They talked about what she would do inan emergency. They agreed on an itinerary, with the understand-ing that if it changed, she would let them know immediately.They agreed that she would check in with people whom G. G.knew in Europe. In the end, the other girl got sick during the tripand what they had negotiated proved helpful to their daughter,who had people available to assist them when problems arose. When negotiating with your children, your most difficult taskis to remain emotionally detached. Most issues get blown out ofproportion in the heat of the moment. When that happens, takea moment to think about what is going on in the world. Then askyourself if the issue is really that important. Then you will likelybe able to deal with it in a less emotional manner.TEACH YOUR DAUGHTERS TO NEGOTIATEDo not approach negotiating with your children as an exercise inpower because ultimately you have the power. There is nothingwrong with offering to read your child a story if she brushes herteeth. There is nothing wrong with her asking for two stories.Whether you agree to read her two stories or only one, she islearning an important lesson: that you do not lose anything byasking. Children need to learn not only how to make good deci-sions for themselves but also how to get others to help themimplement those decisions. One of your goals should be to teachyour children how to be persuasive and influence situations.
  • 193. NEGOTIATING WITH YOUR FAMILY 171They learn by watching you and by negotiating with you. Letyour daughters see you negotiate. Take them to work with you.Encourage your husband to do the same. Many of the womenwe interviewed commented that their fathers used to take themalong when they worked, and that they frequently had the oppor-tunity to watch them negotiate. Marcia Lite recalls negotiating with her eight-year-old sonabout where he would store a toy he wanted for his birthday.The toy consisted of numerous pieces that could be assembledto make buildings, bridges, and other objects. Her son wanted tokeep it in his room, but Marcia preferred a corner in the base-ment so she wouldn’t trip over his creations every time she wentinto his room. Marcia explained why she thought the basementmade more sense. In an effort to compromise, he suggested keep-ing it at his dad’s house. Marcia had no problem with that butreminded him that he spent only every other weekend there. Inthe end, he decided to keep the toy in the basement, but had hedecided to put it in his room, Marcia would have let him. Wherehe keeps his toy is less important to her than teaching him tomake good decisions for himself as well as how to negotiate tomake those decisions a reality. Jerri DeVard, former Citigroup chief marketing officer, talksabout “teachable moments.” These are the opportunities we haveas parents to talk about “doing the right thing” with our chil-dren. This is how they develop judgment. When she talks withher children at the dinner table about what happened during theday, she uses questions to teach them. She will ask questionslike, “How do you feel about what happened?” or “How do youthink the other child feels?” or “What could you have done dif-ferently?” Her purpose is to teach them to think critically and tounderstand other people’s perspectives—skills that are essentialfor an effective negotiator. If you give children things without their having to negotiateand earn them, they can grow up with a sense of entitlement thatmay keep them from becoming good negotiators. If you expect
  • 194. 172 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGto get your way all the time, there is no reason to negotiate. Oneway to avoid that is to expose your children to different types ofpeople. The more they have to deal with all types of people, themore they will have to negotiate and the less likely they will beto always get their way. Susan Medalie, executive director of the Woman’s CampaignFund, offered the following illustration: Her granddaughter hadasked her father to buy her a “Glenda the Good Witch” doll. Hetold her he would but that she would have to wait until her birth-day. Although she really wanted the doll, she did not cry or nag.A few days later, though, she came home with the doll. Whenher father asked where she had gotten it, she said she had tradedfor it with another little girl in her class. She had been creativeand found a different way to get what she wanted. Some parentswould have made her give the doll back. Her father did not. Hecalled the other girl’s parents to make sure it was all right withthem; then he let her keep the doll and praised her for what shehad done. When children negotiate with siblings or with other children,it is part of their learning process. It should be encouraged. Aslong as children negotiate fairly, they should not be deprived ofthe benefits of what they negotiate. Even when they negotiatepoorly, you should not interfere. Rather, use these situations asopportunities to teach them. It is better for them to learn fromsmall mistakes when they are young than to suffer the conse-quences of making those same mistakes as adults. Encourage your children to negotiate not only with otherchildren but also with adults when they want something. Out ofease or fear, most children will ask you to intervene when theywant something from an adult. You don’t do them any favors bydoing so. To teach her daughter to negotiate, Jennifer Allyn, amanaging director for PricewaterhouseCoopers, seeks to haveher daughter first try to handle issues herself before she getsinvolved. One summer, for example, her daughter attended a
  • 195. NEGOTIATING WITH YOUR FAMILY 173summer gymnastics program. Although she was a few weeks shyof her tenth birthday, her daughter was placed in a group withthe 10-year-olds. After the first week, the coaches told her daugh-ter that because several new 10-year-olds were joining the pro-gram, they were going to move her to the 9-year-old group. Shecame home that evening very upset and asked her mom to speakwith the coach. While that would have been easy to do, Jennifertold her daughter that she should try to talk to the coach herself.Her daughter did not want to do that, but Jennifer insisted—telling her to try, and adding that “I am your back-up if thatdoesn’t work.” Her daughter spoke with the coach the next day,and he agreed to keep her with the 10-year-olds, not only solv-ing her daughter’s problem but enhancing her self-confidence.By encouraging her daughter to first try to resolve the problemherself, Jennifer showed her daughter that she was capable ofhandling problems that arose in the future. If you do not encourage your children to negotiate, they willnot develop the self-confidence they need not only to negotiatebut also to be successful in life. The importance of instillingconfidence in our children, particularly our daughters, cannot beoverstated. It may be the single most important determinant oftheir ultimate success in life.
  • 196. 9 What is the best thing about having a woman boss? You make more money than she does. —H OWA R D S T ER N How to Succeed in BusinessEqual Pay for Equal Work—butNot unless You Negotiate for ItHoward Stern’s humor notwithstanding, women, on average, stillearn only 80 cents for every dollar a man earns. Although someof that difference can be explained by differences in age, educa-tion, years on the job, hours worked, and choice of occupations,somewhere between 11 and 40 percent of the difference cannotbe accounted for by those factors. Some of the difference, nodoubt, is the result of discrimination. However, a significant partof that difference results from women either not negotiating orasking for too little when they negotiate compensation. Early in her career, Maria Dorfner, CEO of NewsMD Commu-nications, asked her mother for advice about salary negotiations.Her mom told her: “You need them more than they need you.” Sowhen she went into her first salary negotiation, she was “afraid toask for a penny.” After determining that her negotiating strategy 174
  • 197. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 175wasn’t particularly effective, she decided to be more forceful. Sothe next time she found herself negotiating salary, when she wasasked, “How much do you want to make?” she replied, “I amlooking for $35,000.” She was making $17,800 at the time. Toher surprise, the intimidating individual she was negotiating withsaid simply, “You got it.” A year later, she learned she could haveasked for triple. The guy next to her had asked for that much,and he got what he asked for. Dorfner noted that she has nevertaken a job for the money, but “it hurts to feel that you are beingtaken advantage of.” She adds: “Negotiating compensation isabout knowing your worth and being compensated fairly. Today,I know they need me more than I need them.” Maxine Hartley is an executive career coach with the AyersGroup and a former executive recruiter. When she was inter-viewed for this book, she started off by talking about a femalefriend who came to her seeking advice. Her friend had beenoffered the executive director position at a nonprofit organiza-tion in New York City. She wanted the job but was unhappy withthe salary being offered. Maxine had her put together a list offour items that would make the package more attractive to her.Her friend lived in New Jersey, so first on the list was to get theorganization to pay for her commuting costs and parking. Thenonprofit also owned an apartment in the city that she wantedto be able to use when she needed to stay over. A signing bonuswas then added to the list. Rounding off the list was an earlyperformance review. Any one or two of these items would havemore than offset the low salary she was being offered. The friendpresented her list to the board of directors not as demands but asrequests that she thought were reasonable in light of the positionshe was being offered. In the end, the nonprofit agreed to severalof her requests, and she accepted the job. When negotiating com-pensation, the only way to be certain you get what you deserve isto know your market worth, to firmly and creatively negotiate a
  • 198. 176 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGcompensation package consistent with that market value, and tobe willing to walk away if you do not get it.IT NEVER HURTS TO ASKCompare Maxine’s advice to her friend with what she describesas her own worst negotiation. She was a young human resourcesexecutive being interviewed for a job with a company in Atlanta.She was flown down for several interviews. She liked the com-pany, and they wanted to hire her. She spent a lot of time talkingwith the company about compensation. In the end, she didn’tgo to work for them because of the money. She was looking fora salary of at least $50,000 a year. Ultimately, they offered heronly $40,000. When they made her the offer, she didn’t ask foranything else. She didn’t negotiate. Instead, she simply refusedthe offer. Today, she says, she would have tried to bridge the gapby asking for any number of things such as a signing bonus or araise once she achieved certain agreed-upon objectives. When weasked her why she had not done that then, she replied, “It neveroccurred to me to negotiate.” Although men sometimes just acceptwhat is offered as well, they usually see an offer as the startingpoint for negotiations. Women, on the other hand, are much morelikely to simply accept the first offer a potential employer makes.Women too seldom negotiate when considering a job offer, and,even when they do, women usually ask for too little. This is not an issue only for young women seeking their firstjob. Cathie Black, chairman of Hearst Magazines, noted that evenexperienced businesswomen sometimes fail to ask for commensu-rate compensation when they are given additional responsibilitiesor are promoted. When asked why, she quoted something GloriaSteinem had told her when they were working together at Ms.magazine in the 1970s: “Women have a terminal case of grati-tude.” In other words, women tend to be flattered by the mere offer
  • 199. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 177of employment, and they are afraid to do anything that might jeop-ardize it. Often, this rules out the possibility of asking for anythingelse. If a woman is really interested in a job, she usually acceptswith little, if any, negotiating. Fortunately, this is not as true todayas it was 30 years ago because women today are coming into theworkplace with greater confidence in their ability and a greatersense of self-worth. Although it is normal to appreciate being givenan opportunity, you have a right to be compensated appropriately.But you should expect to have to ask. If you do not, you probablywon’t be paid what you deserve. Employers expect all but entry-level hires (and, in recent years,sometimes even those) to negotiate. Therefore, they almost neverstart with their best offer—so if you do not negotiate, you willprobably be accepting less than the employer was prepared topay. This is true even in a weak economy. Even though it may bedifficult to find a job when times are tough, once an employerdecides you are the one they want to hire, you are in a goodposition to negotiate. Failing to negotiate is not only a mistakeinitially, it is also one that will continue to be compounded overthe years, disadvantaging you throughout the remainder of yourcareer. Every raise you get, every bonus you receive, and even thenumber of stock options you are awarded will be smaller becausethese amounts are normally determined as a percentage of yourartificially low base salary. Many women think they will accept a job, prove themselves,and then ask for a raise. This approach may result from believ-ing that they are not in a position to negotiate, from being afraidthat if they ask for more they might lose the job offer, from beinguncomfortable negotiating, or simply from thinking that provingtheir worth before negotiating is the most effective approach.Whatever the reason, in most instances, they will be wrong.Once you prove yourself in a job, you will be able to get evenmore money, over and above what you negotiate at the time you
  • 200. 178 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGinitially accept a job. By not negotiating at the outset, you are notonly forgoing the money you could have gotten but also reduc-ing the amount of the raise you will get after you prove yourself.Imagine that initially you could have negotiated a salary $5,000higher than the one you accepted without negotiating. When youget that 10 percent raise because of the great job you have done,it will be based on the lower, unnegotiated salary—and will be$500 less than it would have been if you had negotiated in thefirst place. Moreover, that hard-earned first raise will still leaveyou earning $5,500 less than if you had originally negotiated andthen received the raise you deserve. Employers may actually think less of you if you do not negoti-ate. They may even become concerned that you will not be ableto negotiate effectively with vendors and customers. When DaviaTemin was offered the position of head of strategic marketing atGeneral Electric Capital Services, she had very little experiencenegotiating compensation. Although she had been extremely suc-cessful in her career and had negotiated many business deals, shehad never negotiated her own compensation. In the past, whenoffered a new position, she had approached it as a choice: If sheliked the offer, she accepted it; if not, she turned it down. Thisposition, however, was at a whole different level. She would beon the management committee of one of the largest companiesin the industry. Davia realized there were a lot of things that shecould ask for, but she didn’t know where to begin. So she soughtadvice from a friend. He advised her to ask for more money, asigning bonus, stock options, and a contract. She was nervousthat they “would be mad at me for negotiating and they wouldn’tlike me,” but she took her friend’s advice. To her surprise, theyresponded well, and it was obvious that they had expected her tonegotiate. After all, she would have to negotiate on their behalfonce she was in the job. The moral of this story is: Don’t beafraid to negotiate. Davia not only got what she asked for but alsoearned the respect of her new employer in the process.
  • 201. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 179KNOW YOUR OWN WORTHWhen it comes to negotiating compensation, information ispower. Determine what your skills and experience are worthin the market, and do not accept less. Your current salary willnormally weigh heavily in determining the amount you receive.If you are being paid below market value, and the company basesits offer on your current compensation, this will work to yourdisadvantage. For this reason, it is important to anchor salarydiscussions based on market value rather than on your currentsalary. To do that, you must know the range of salaries being paidto others with similar skills and experience. Salary information is readily available today. Using a variety ofcareer-based Web sites, you can gather information about salariesand benefits at employers where you might be interested in work-ing, as well as at their competitors and at similar companies inother industries. The amount of available salary information onthe Internet is virtually limitless; knowing the best places to findthe specific information you need will save you time and effort.Several of the best compensation Web sites are described below: • provides free salary information for specific positions, by years of experience and location. It gives you a range, showing the high, low, and average salaries as well as information on the cost of living in the regions you are interested in. • also allows you to determine the going market rate for the specific jobs you are interested in. One of the unique features of is that it has you complete an online questionnaire that enables you to match what you do with comparable positions to ensure that you are looking at the right positions. also has a function that enables you to calculate a cost-of-living adjustment for dif- ferent cities as well as comparable salaries for the same job title in different cities.
  • 202. 180 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING •, another good source for salary informa- tion, is primarily a search engine that looks for job postings throughout the Internet on other career and employer Web sites. As a result, offers real-time informa- tion reflective of current job postings. • is a career-based Web site that offers a wide range of salary information including salary surveys by industry covering almost 50 fields such as retail, fashion, advertis- ing and PR, technology, financial services, government, and health care. • focuses on nonprofit organizations. Among other features, the site provides access to current job post- ings for nonprofits as well as the IRS 990 reporting forms for listed organizations, which show the compensation of the top five highest-paid staff members. • contains information from employees about the salaries, benefits, and company culture of thousands of employers. In order to register so you can use the site, you have to provide information about your own employer, which is made available anonymously to other users. This feature provides valuable, detailed, up-to-date information about specific employers. • provides a compilation of links to other sites that offer free salary surveys. Many of these sites are indus- try specific. Other general career Web sites that have salary calculatorsare Hot Jobs ( and The Career Journal (, which is owned by the Wall Street Journal, and also provide salary information. Valuable salary information is also available from trade andprofessional organizations in your field. Even if an organizationdoes not directly compile the data you are seeking, you may be
  • 203. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 181able to obtain helpful information by talking to members whowork in your field. provides a listing of business andprofessional organizations in its commercial directory at Moreover, women’s professional organiza-tions or women’s groups within professional organizations suchas the Financial Women’s Association, Business and ProfessionalWomen, 9 to 5 National Association of Working Women, theNational Association for Female Executives, or the Associationof Women in Real Estate may be helpful. Employees or ex-employees are an excellent resource forresearching the salary structure of a particular company. Currentemployees can provide you with up-to-date information on salariesand benefits, as well as the types of salary increases that have beengiven over the last few years. Although information from formeremployees may be dated, it is still valuable, and their greaterwillingness to talk about sensitive issues such as compensationmakes it worth your while to seek them out. You will be surprisedhow many of your friends and relatives know employees andex-employees of various companies. All you have to do is ask. When you change jobs or ask for a raise, information aboutwhat other companies are paying for similar positions will helpyou highlight the value of your job. This information is especiallyimportant for women because, on average, they still earn lessthan men in similar positions. The market value, not your cur-rent salary, should be the basis for salary discussions. If you mustdisclose your current salary, or if you are in discussions with yourcurrent employer, make it clear that you know that you are beingunderpaid. Without being defensive or accusatory, be prepared toexplain why that has occurred and to offer specifics about whatother companies are paying for individuals with your skills. Forexample, you might state, “Companies are paying between $80,000and $100,000 for graphic designers. Although I have been earningonly $65,000 while I have been learning CAD technology, nowthat I am fully proficient, I expect to be paid market rates.”
  • 204. 182 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGDISCUSSING YOUR CURRENT COMPENSATIONA candidate’s current compensation is usually the single mostimportant factor in an employer’s decision as to how much tooffer. Therefore, it is to your benefit to disclose as little about yourcompensation as possible. Most employers will try to find outexactly what you are earning and offer just enough more to makeit worth your while to change jobs. For a position at the same level,that usually involves a 10 to 15 percent increase. If the new posi-tion involves a promotion, the increase will normally be larger. Inaddition, if the job requires relocation to a higher-cost area, theemployer will typically add a differential to cover any increase inthe cost of living. However, if prospective employers do not knowwhat you are currently earning, they cannot use that informationto develop their offer. As a result they will have to base their offeron what they think the market is for someone with your skills andexperience. Avoiding the topic, or, if you cannot, being as vague as pos-sible about your current compensation, can make a world ofdifference in the salary you are offered. In my previous bookGet More Money on Your Next Job, I have a whole chapter onhow to do this tactfully. Try to avoid the topic until you actuallyreceive an offer. If you are asked about your compensation, saysomething like, “It’s too early in the process to talk about com-pensation,” or, “Let’s talk about the job. If it’s the right job forme and I’m the right person for the job, salary won’t be an issue.”Never tell prospective employers what it will take to hire you. Ifyou do, you will usually get what you ask for, and it will probablybe less than they were prepared to pay you. Let them make anoffer. If they ask you what you are looking for in compensation,you might respond by asking them, “What do you have budgetedfor the position?” or give a vague answer, such as, “It depends. Iwant to look at the total package. What did you have in mind?” Remember, when potential employers interview you, they aretrying to recruit you. They will be just as uncomfortable press-
  • 205. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 183ing you for specifics about your current compensation as you arein trying to avoid the topic. If you are polite but firm, they willusually let it drop. A statement such as “I really don’t feel com-fortable talking about compensation in more detail until you’resure you want to extend me an offer” will often put off the dis-cussion until they are ready to make you an offer. At that point,you can just ask them to give you their best offer. This approachwill not work with search firms. They will insist on more specificinformation about your compensation to be sure that they do notwaste a lot of time on a candidate who, in the end, might wantmore money than the company is willing to pay. The key to dealing with questions about your current salary orwhat you are looking for is to prepare your answers in advance.You know that these issues will come up, so be prepared withyour answers. When you cannot avoid the discussion, your goalshould be to create uncertainty about what it will take to get youto accept the position and, as discussed in Chapter 3, to anchorthe discussion at as high a level as possible. Talk about your total compensation, not just base salary. Usean approximation such as, “My total compensation is in the lowsix figures.” Include your bonus, stocks, perks, and any otherbenefits in valuing your total compensation. Value and describethose items as favorably as possible without being dishonest. Forexample, if the bonus you earned last year was significantly largerthan what you anticipate receiving this year, state your compen-sation in terms of what you earned last year. If, on the otherhand, you expect to receive a larger bonus this year, talk aboutwhat you expect to receive in total compensation this year. Ifyour compensation has varied significantly from year to year dueto bonuses, commissions, or stock options, you can talk about“earning as much as” whatever the highest figure was. You canalso talk in terms of earning potential. For example, you mightsay, “I could earn X dollars if we hit our bonus targets,” or ifyou are having a good year, you could state, “I expect to earn Xdollars this year, including bonus and stock awards.” If you have
  • 206. 184 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGa raise due shortly, include it when you describe your currentcompensation. Thus, you might say, “I expect to receive a salaryof at least X dollars when I receive my performance review nextmonth.” People frequently make the mistake of failing to takeinto consideration an impending raise or bonus when they arenegotiating a new position. A 10 percent salary increase in a newjob does not look nearly so enticing if you are about to receive a5 percent raise in your current job.HOW YOU ASK MATTERSPeople almost never lose a job offer because of what they ask for.When they do, it is usually because of how they ask for it. If youprovide reasons to justify your requests, you may not get every-thing you want, but you will usually get something, and you willalso gain respect for how you go about asking. Treat compensa-tion discussions as a collaborative effort. You might say, “Hereare the problems with the offer. What can we do to overcomethem?” or “I have another offer, but I really want to work here. Isthere any way you could make your offer more competitive?” Youdo not want to come across as strident, but you need to be firmabout your expectations. Never threaten or make “demands.”This is particularly important for women because they are held toa different standard than men and are usually expected to adopta more relational negotiating style.BE ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THE JOBWhether you are dealing with a new employer or seeking a raisefrom your current employer, you want to let them know that youreally like the company and the job. It also doesn’t hurt to letyour boss or prospective boss know how much you want to workwith him or her. Enthusiasm is the single most important qualityemployers seek in their employees. Being enthusiastic will helpyou stand out from every other candidate for the job.
  • 207. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 185 Managers want employees who want to work for their com-pany, who want to work for them, and who are going to cometo work each day excited about what they are doing. So be sureto let prospective employers know—repeatedly—how excitedyou are about the job opportunity. You do not want to leave anyuncertainty in their minds about how much you want the job,only how much they will have to pay to get you to accept theiroffer. Similarly, when seeking a raise from your current employer,emphasize that you love your job. At the same time, however,whenever you discuss compensation, make it clear that eventhough you want the job, or want to continue working in yourcurrent company, it has to make sense financially. Then workwith the employer to improve the offer so that it does.IT’S NOT ONLY ABOUT THE MONEYWe are not talking just about negotiating, or not negotiating,for more money. In fact, negotiating about other things besidesmoney can sometimes have an even greater impact on your pro-fessional success. Frequently, when men accept new positions,they will seek, and get, commitments for the resources that theybelieve are necessary for them to succeed in the job. Women typi-cally fail to do so. Many women believe that if they do a good job,they will be given the resources they need and will be rewardedfor their efforts. While that may be true in lower-level administra-tive positions, it is not always true as one moves up the corporateladder. It’s much easier to get commitments for resources such asadditional staff, an increased budget, a larger expense account,or additional training before you accept a position. Once you arein the job, you will be competing with many others for your shareof the available resources. Getting a commitment in advance forwhat you need can often mean the difference between successand failure. If you are a member of a union or work for the government,your salary may be governed by a set pay scale. Your vacation
  • 208. 186 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGand certain other benefits typically will be governed by seniority.Therefore, you may not think that there is anything to negotiate,yet opportunities do exist. Sometimes you can negotiate whereyou are initially placed on the salary scale based on prior experi-ence. You may also be able to use your experience to negotiatea higher-level position that will place you on a different salaryschedule. Many women succeed in negotiating a more flexiblework schedule. If you are a teacher, you might be able to negoti-ate which classes you will teach. You can also try to negotiateabout issues that may not covered by the labor agreement, suchas training opportunities. Prepare for this discussion by talk-ing with current and former employees to find out what specialarrangements employees have negotiated in the past.BE CAREFUL ABOUT HAVING SOMEONE NEGOTIATEFOR YOURemember that the people with whom you are negotiating yourcompensation will be your colleagues once you join the company.Your ultimate success will depend on how well you develop theserelationships over time. So you should seek to protect these rela-tionships right from the start. Former CNN anchor Jan Hopkinssuggests that one way to do that is to have someone negotiate foryou. Jan works in an industry in which having an agent or lawyernegotiate the terms of your employment is common. This is nottrue for most people outside the entertainment industry, exceptfor senior executives. For most people, having a lawyer negotiatefor you is impractical. Furthermore, in many cases, it actuallyworks against you. When you let someone else negotiate on yourbehalf, you lose a major advantage: the ability to use your rela-tionship with your boss or your prospective boss. Employment negotiations are different from other negotia-tions, particularly when you are talking to a new employer. The
  • 209. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 187prospective employer is trying to recruit you. He or she wantsyou to accept the offer, and to feel good about doing so. For you,this is a very favorable negotiating paradigm. The minute youbring in a third party, though, you lose that advantage. Then itbecomes a “negotiation.” That is why we recommend that youdo the negotiating yourself and, to the extent possible, that youdo it directly with your future boss. He or she has the most atstake in hiring you. Take advantage of that, and make him orher your ally in the negotiating process. If you do that, he orshe will work hard to make sure that you are happy with thecompany’s offer. Lawyers and accountants play a useful advisory role inemployment negotiations. They can help you develop a negotiat-ing strategy, assist you in anticipating problems, and show youhow to avoid them. However, in most instances, using a lawyer oranother third party to negotiate directly on your behalf changeshow the other side views the process. Instead of looking for waysto entice you to join the company, the process becomes a zero-sum salary negotiation. The company brings in its lawyer, andthe negotiation turns into attempts by the lawyers to show theirclients that they are earning their fee or salary. If you do decideto use a third party to negotiate your salary, it is generally bestto do so only after you have already negotiated as much of thepackage as possible yourself. Understanding the intricacies of how to use a third party effec-tively helped a client of mine negotiate an employment packagewell beyond anything she initially thought was possible. My clientwas a female executive who was an excellent negotiator exceptwhen it came to negotiating for herself. She had spent most ofher career at one company and had risen from being a secretaryto running a major business there. As she progressed within thecompany, her salary had not kept pace with the added respon-sibility she had assumed. Because she had started at such a low
  • 210. 188 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGsalary, her compensation remained well below market, even withgood raises and periodic salary adjustments. When someone she knew at another company asked her ifshe would be interested in helping to start a similar business,she came to me for advice. She asked me to negotiate for her. Itold her I would be happy to help her, but I suggested that shenegotiate with the president of the company herself. She wasnot comfortable doing that. However, because the new companywas located in another city, we created an alternative negotiatingapproach that worked for her. I prepared her to meet with herprospective boss in person. She agreed to listen to his offer anddiscuss anything she felt comfortable addressing. At the end ofthat discussion, she would thank him and tell him she was veryexcited about the opportunity but that there were some issues shewanted to think about and would get back to him. The follow-updiscussion of those issues took place by phone, with me sittingright next to her, and passing her notes any time she needed help,but without her future boss aware that I was even involved. Byapproaching the negotiation in this way, she had the best of bothworlds: She allowed her future boss to “recruit” her, but she hadme there to advise her and to help her maintain her resolve onthe important issues. It is just as important to create when it comes to the substanceof what you negotiate as it is about the way you negotiate it. Howyou position something or what you call it can make all the dif-ference in the world. When Cathie Black, chairman of HearstMagazines, was being recruited to be president of USA Today,she knew that there were some significant risks in accepting thejob. So she told the chairman that she would accept the positiononly if she were given a contract. He refused because “none ofthe company’s executives have contracts.” So she talked to a law-yer and determined what protections she felt she needed. Insteadof introducing her lawyer into the process and seeking a formal
  • 211. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 189contract, she got the chairman to agree to guarantee her certainthings in writing. Those written guarantees were just as legallyenforceable as a formal contract and provided her with the sameprotection. Because she did not call it a contract, though, ittook the heat out of the discussion. In that way, she was able toachieve her objectives without forcing the company to abandonits practice of not giving its executives “contracts.”AN AUCTION IS A TYPE OF NEGOTIATION: TAKINGADVANTAGE OF ANOTHER OFFERWhen you are negotiating with a prospective employer, it helpsto have another offer to use as leverage. A second offer, properlyused, creates an environment similar to an auction. If you haveever attended an auction, you know that when more than oneperson wants something, people tend to be willing to pay morethan they would otherwise. The psychology that underlies anauction encourages this phenomenon. The fact that someone elseis willing to pay more for an item leads you to question how youinitially valued it. Moreover, because bids are increased in smallincrements, you find it much easier to rationalize paying more.Each time you increase your bid, you are adjusting your valuationfrom a new and higher anchor. Also, the psychological impor-tance that individuals with a competitive negotiating style placeon winning leads them to pay more. Finally, the need to makea decision quickly, before someone else prevails, creates a fearthat, if you do not act immediately, you will lose an opportunitythat may not become available to you again. This is akin to thepsychology stores use when they hold one-day sales. Having another offer creates an extremely favorable negotiat-ing environment. A second offer eliminates current salary fromthe equation and increases feelings of self-worth and confidence.You do not feel that you owe a duty to either company. Moreover,
  • 212. 190 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGyou do not even have to actively negotiate; all you have to do iseffectively manage the process. What most people don’t recognizeis that they have the power to create this auction environment.When you do, you create a new negotiating paradigm—one thatwill enable you to earn what you are really worth, regardless ofwhat you are presently earning. One way to use two competing opportunities is to negotiatewith both at the same time and simply accept the better offer. Todo that, you need only to let them both know that you are talk-ing with someone else, without diminishing your enthusiasm forthe opportunity each is offering you. A statement such as, “I amreally excited about the possibility of working here, but I wantedyou to know that I am also talking to another company that isinterested in me,” can be very effective. All things being equal, if two companies are trying to recruityou, it would seem to make sense to simply accept the betteroffer. In real life, however, all things are rarely equal. You’relikely to have a preference. Which company you prefer may havenothing to do with compensation. You may like one boss morethan the other. One company may be offering you benefits thatthe other cannot: more opportunity, better job security, or specialtraining, for example. If you have a preference, the best way totake advantage of a second offer is to use it to get the companyyou prefer to improve its offer. Once you have an offer from each,begin with the company you like less and negotiate a better offer.Because the primary purpose of this offer is as leverage, you willbe able to push hard to improve it. Once you have gotten as muchas you can from the first company, you can go to your future bossand truthfully say: “I have this very generous offer from anothercompany, but, the truth is, I’d much rather work for you. I can’tjust ignore the difference in what the other company is offering,but if you could put together a package that’s in the same ball-park, I would start tomorrow.” To create an auction environment, you do not even have toactually have another offer. You can often improve your bargain-
  • 213. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 191ing position simply by talking to another employer at the sametime that you are negotiating an offer. Just having other possibili-ties will give you the confidence to insist on getting what you areworth. It will also give you the courage to walk away if you donot get it. Moreover, the fact that someone else may enter intothe bidding will put pressure on the company to complete thenegotiations quickly and to make you the best possible offer. Youcan inform the company of those discussions by stating some-thing like, “Although you are clearly my first choice, I want youto know that I am also talking with X company, and I didn’t wantyou to hear that on the street.” This approach will work even ifyou initiated the discussions with the second company and evenif there is no actual job currently available. Your prospectiveemployer will not know the exact nature of your discussions butonly that another company is interested.GETTING THE PROMOTION OR RAISEYOU DESERVEAsking for a raise is different from negotiating with a newemployer. Unfortunately, the way the process normally worksdisadvantages women. As discussed earlier, raises tend to be cal-culated as a percentage of a person’s base salary. Because womenoften start off being paid less than men, the actual amounts oftheir raises tend to be smaller even when the percentage increasesare the same. The effects of this disparity are compounded overtime. It is a lot easier to negotiate a large salary increase whenyou are changing employers than to do so with your currentemployer. A new employer does not know your current salaryunless you tell them and must therefore look to the market todetermine what to offer. By contrast, nonpromotional raises areoften constrained by company guidelines that set a maximumamount for raises, usually expressed as a percentage of a basesalary. This means that loyalty to a single company, which shouldbe rewarded, often tends to keep salaries low.
  • 214. 192 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING Men and women view discussions with other companies aboutemployment opportunities differently. Many women consider itan act of disloyalty to talk with other employers and do so onlywhen dissatisfied with their current position. Men, on the otherhand, treat discussions with other employers as a way to test themarket and do it routinely. This has major implications in termsof salary because one of the best negotiating tools to precipitatea large raise is an offer from another employer. For this reason,staying on top of employment opportunities is invaluable. Using another offer with your present employer, without jeop-ardizing your current position, is tricky. This does raise questionsof loyalty and needs to be handled carefully. Even if you have afirm offer in hand, never make your employer feel that you arepresenting an ultimatum. If you do, you had better be preparedto accept the other offer because there is a good chance thatyour employer will leave you no choice. Even if they don’t, youremployer may never fully trust you again and will always be won-dering when the next ultimatum will be delivered. Therefore, it is usually best to just let your employer know thatyou have received another offer, but, at the same time, make it clearthat you do not intend to accept it. In that way, you avoid beingperceived as presenting an ultimatum. Tell your boss, “I wantedto let you know that I’ve been talking with X company because Ididn’t want you to hear it elsewhere. I’m not going to accept thecompany’s offer because I really like it here. I was speaking tothem because they were offering much more money than I amcurrently making. I hope that, going forward, you can help get thecompany to bring my compensation up to market since it is clearlywell below market.” This approach reaffirms your loyalty to thecompany and makes your boss an ally in helping to get your salaryadjusted, avoiding an adversarial situation. Judge Kathleen Roberts, a professional mediator and formerU.S. magistrate, recounts one example of an all-too-familiarstory. A friend of hers was considering leaving government to go
  • 215. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 193back into the private practice of law. She was considering return-ing to the firm where she previously worked and was in discus-sions with one of the partners. Kathleen suggested that she alsotalk with some other firms, but her friend wouldn’t even considerdoing so because she felt it would be a betrayal of trust. This is a common example of how women allow relationshipsto hold them back when they negotiate compensation. No manwe know would have ignored Kathleen’s excellent advice. Thefact that her friend had worked at the firm before, knew howit operated, and got along well with the other lawyers thereincreased her value to the firm. Yet instead of using her relation-ship there to improve her bargaining position, she allowed it tohold her back. This woman would certainly have been able tonegotiate a higher salary if she had competing offers from otherfirms. Under the circumstances, she could have been very openabout the fact that, even though she really wanted to return toher old firm, she owed it to herself to talk to other firms as well.Testing the market is part of what you do when you prepare tonegotiate salary. No one at her old firm would have held it againsther. The firm’s partners would, however, have offered her moremoney to make sure she returned to work for them. Too often, women allow their relationships with their employ-ers to keep them from asking for the salary they could otherwisecommand. Men tend to treat their employment as just anotherbusiness deal, whereas women focus on their relationships withbosses and coworkers. In the end, this can work against you.For example, suppose you go to your boss to ask for a raise. Heor she responds that it is a bad time to discuss a raise becausebusiness is slow. Most men would not accept that response.Men will review their options and raise the issue again at amore opportune moment, perhaps after another employer hasexpressed interest. Many women will simply let the matter drop,out of fear that pressing it will damage their relationship with theboss. That does not necessarily have to be the case. It depends
  • 216. 194 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGon your approach. You could explore your alternatives and bringthe matter up again later. You could talk about a time frame fora future raise by saying, for example, “Can we agree, then, thatwhen business picks up, you will give me a 10 percent raise?” Oryou could ask to revisit the issue in a month and see where thingsstand at that time. The main point is: you do not have to give up araise that you deserve just to avoid the discomfort of disagreeingwith someone with whom you have a relationship. Knowing your options is just as important when you are seekinga raise from your current employer as when you are changing jobs.Even if you are happy in your current position, you should periodi-cally test the job market, particularly if someone, either a recruiteror an employer, approaches you. This situation is not about loyalty;it is about value. Human nature is such that we tend to undervaluethe familiar in favor of the new and different. We also tend tovalue what other people value. As a result, companies take theirlongtime employees for granted, particularly if it appears thatthese employees are unlikely to leave. If you want to be paid whatyou are worth, never allow employers to take you for granted. Letthem know if another company approaches you, even if you do notdirectly use the opportunity to negotiate a raise. This reinforcesthe idea that you are a talented and sought-after individual. The following tips will help you get your current employer topay you what you are worth.It Is Not Enough to Just Do Good Work; People Need toKnow about Your AccomplishmentsYou should constantly market yourself internally, not just atreview time, but all year long. Make sure that your boss andother key people in the company know what you are doing. Builda case throughout the year for increasing your salary. Keep arecord of your achievements, and get them in front of your bossa few months before you are actually scheduled for your annualreview. If you wait until right before the review, your intentions
  • 217. HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS 195will be obvious, and the decisions will probably already havebeen made. Send copies of relevant memos to your boss andother key individuals. Share credit for your successes with yourboss and your subordinates. In fact, one way to inform key peopleof your accomplishments is to commend your subordinates fortheir work on projects you are responsible for.Make Your Boss’s Priorities Your PrioritiesThe better you make your boss look to his or her superiors andpeers, the more valuable you will be and the harder your boss willwork to make sure you are happy with your compensation. Insteadof letting your relationship with your boss become a disadvantage,use it to advance your cause. If you are being paid below market,marshall the facts and take advantage of that relationship. Askyour boss for advice and help in rectifying the situation.Accept Additional Responsibilities, and Make Your Interestin Being Promoted KnownThere is no such thing as a free lunch. This is as true in businessas it is in life. Salary increases usually bring with them more workand responsibility. So learn new skills and seek additional respon-sibilities whenever you can, even if you are not in a position to geta raise or a promotion immediately. After you have shown you cando the job, then ask for the raise or promotion. Often the decidingfactor in who gets a promotion is who wants it most. So let yourboss know you are interested in being promoted. One of the bestways to do that is to ask for advice and help. When you ask yourboss “What must I do to get promoted?” you are in effect askingfor both. If you follow the advice you receive and check periodicallyto see how you are coming along, your boss will normally do every-thing possible to see that you get the promotion you are seeking. Jerri DeVard, former chief marketing officer for Citibank’seConsumer Group, describes how she used this approach to get a
  • 218. 196 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGpromotion when she was vice president for marketing at Pillsbury.At the time, sales and marketing were separate departments. Shefelt that, for business reasons, it made sense to combine salesand marketing into one department. So as she went about tryingto demonstrate that it would be more effective to combine them,she began working more closely with the sales department and sodid her staff. By the time she actually went to her boss to suggestthat the two departments be merged into one, the decision waseasy because the departments were already working so closelytogether. And she was promoted to vice president of sales andmarketing to head the combined department.Periodically Test Your Market ValueIn most cases, the approaches discussed in this chapter will helpyou persuade your employer to increase your compensation. How-ever, if you are being paid well below market, some employers willfeel constrained as to how much they feel they can increase yoursalary. They are concerned that if they give you a raise that signifi-cantly exceeds their guidelines, they will have to do the same forothers. In that case, you may have to use another offer, as discussedabove, to convince your employer to raise your salary sufficiently. It is useful for your boss to know that from time to time youare approached by other employers. You can take the initiativeto ensure that happens. Develop relationships with recruiters inyour industry. Be helpful to them when they call, even if you arenot interested in the position they are filling. Become active inprofessional organizations. If all else fails, you have to be prepared to walk away andaccept a position with another company. Your willingness andability to do so will enable you to negotiate more confidently withyour present employer. The same basic concepts apply whetheryou are asking for a raise or negotiating with a new employer.Know your worth, ask for what you want, and be willing to walkaway if you don’t get it.
  • 219. 10 I was just thinking how much you can tell about a person from such simple things. Your car, for instance. —I. B EZ Z ER I DES , K ISS M E D E A DLY Buying or Leasing a Car Be Prepared for Traditional Negotiating Tactics, or Change the Way You NegotiateWhen KPMG executive Terri Santisi went to a local automobiledealership to lease a Land Rover, she knew exactly what shewanted and, based on her research, approximately what it shouldcost. Eventually a salesperson came up to her. She gave him herbusiness card, so he knew she was a senior executive with one ofthe largest consulting firms in the country. She told him exactlywhat car she wanted and with what options. She also let himknow that she was prepared to lease the car that day. Then sheasked about price. He said he needed to “run some numbers” andwent into another room. When he returned, he gave her a leaseprice that was well above anything her research had indicated 197
  • 220. 198 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGwould have been reasonable and much more than she was payingfor her current Land Rover with similar options. She told him that the numbers didn’t make sense and proceededto explain why: Interest rates were lower. The dollar was strongerthan when she had leased her last Land Rover. That should haveresulted in lower prices, even considering price increases since thelast time she leased a car. Certainly there was no way he couldjustify the price quoted to her. The salesperson responded, “Miss,what Alan Greenspan does with interest rates has no impact onlease payments or car loans.” She thought to herself, “This personcan’t just have said that to me.” What do you say when your intel-ligence has just been insulted? So she got up and walked out. Shewaited two weeks, and then she had her husband call the samedealer. She showed her husband all her research and told himapproximately what he should be able to get. She listened in on theother line when he called, and he was able to negotiate the leaseprice Terri had suggested, which was significantly lower than whatthe first salesperson had offered her. As frustrating as this experience was for her, Terri respondedlike the excellent negotiator she is. There was no way that she couldconvince the first salesperson to give her a good price, so she usedsomeone else to deliver the message. She could have leased the carsomewhere else, but this dealer was convenient, she had receivedgood service in the past, and the dealer had the car she wanted.Terri didn’t take it personally nor try to enlighten the salesperson.She simply selected the right person to negotiate the deal. Unfortunately, Terri’s experience is not unique. Several ofthe women we interviewed described buying or leasing cars asamong their worst negotiating experiences. Executive recruiterPat Mastandrea, who has negotiated successfully with the likes ofBarry Diller, chairman of Interactive Corp., which owns, and Rupert Murdoch, chairman of News Corp., whichowns the Fox Network and the Wall Street Journal, experiencedsimilar treatment the last time she leased a car. Her response
  • 221. BUYING OR LEASING A CAR 199illustrates how to create something different when the negotiat-ing model you face does not suit you. The lease on her Pathfinder was almost up. Pat liked the car,so she went back to the dealer where she had leased it. Shewanted to simply roll over the lease and get a new Pathfinder.The first thing the salesperson did was tell her that, because herlease had two months remaining on it, she would have to pay afee to get out of it early. She responded by telling him: “In thatcase, I will come back in two months.” He quickly reconsideredand told her that he would take care of it. Then he proceeded tonegotiate with her. After they reached an agreement, he went intoanother room for a few minutes. When he came back, he told herthat his manager would not approve the deal, and he began to tryto renegotiate a higher payment. Pat walked out. She considered what other options were available and decidedto negotiate differently by buying a car over the Internet—notbecause she couldn’t negotiate with the dealer but because shedid not want to. She went to and found thecar she wanted, with the options she wanted, in the color shewanted, for substantially less money than her local dealer hadquoted her. According to Pat, “When a woman walks into aregular dealership, they assume she is easy. There is always ashortage of the car you want, they are not sure if they can get itfor you in the color you want, and you will probably have to payover list.” When she leased a car over the Internet, no one toldher what they couldn’t do. They just found the car she wanted ata reasonable price. Not every dealership treats women badly. Kitty Van Bortelbuilt the second largest Subaru dealership in the country withannual sales in excess of $45 million by catering to women. Shebelieves most dealers “do not understand women and do not treatthem well.” She has sought to run her dealership differently. Kitty started selling used cars part time while she was in col-lege. After college, she sold Fords and then Mercedes at dealers
  • 222. 200 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGwhere she was the only female salesperson. She was a top pro-ducer and became the first and only female sales manager theMercedes dealer ever had. As a salesperson, she watched howthe salespeople treated women who came in alone. At first theyignored them because they didn’t want to waste their time withthem. Most of the salespeople believed that women could notmake a decision without speaking to their husband, father, orboyfriend. Kitty made an excellent living taking advantage of thefact that the male sales staff did not want to sell to women. She also realized that there was a tremendous opportunity forsomeone willing to change the way women bought cars. The ideacame to her one night when she was watching Larry King do a livebroadcast from the Detroit Auto Show. He was interviewing theCEOs from what were then known as the Big Three auto compa-nies: Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler. A woman viewer calledin and said, “I do not understand why I have to fight to get a goodprice when I go into a dealership.” One of the CEOs replied, “Thereason is that most people like to negotiate. It’s fun. And you arethe exception.” When the other two CEOs agreed, Kitty decidedthese men just did not understand women. So she set out to opena dealership that marketed specifically to women. Kitty’s Subaru dealership offers a different way of buying a car,with an eye to making women feel comfortable. For one thing,75 percent of her sales staff are women. Unlike typical dealerships,which pay their salespeople a commission based on the purchaseprice of the cars, thereby encouraging them to pressure custom-ers into buying things they do not need or want, her salespeoplereceive a flat fee for every car sold. There is no pressure or hag-gling over price. Prices are fixed and posted. Kitty seeks to makea fair profit, but the customers know that they are getting a goodprice. She also understands that many women feel more comfort-able taking their time when making such a major decision, so hersalespeople encourage them to go home and think about it.
  • 223. BUYING OR LEASING A CAR 201 While you might find the car-buying experience Kitty offersappealing, you may not want to travel to Rochester, New York, orwant to buy a Subaru. So we asked Kitty how women can negoti-ate more effectively with local car dealers. Here is her advice:RESEARCHING THE DEALER’S COSTBefore you go to buy, figure out which car you want, and withwhat options. Test-drive the car. If you find more than one carwith which you would be happy, you will be able to negotiate abetter deal. But, in that case, you will have to do your homeworkwith regard to each model. Once you have decided on a car, logon to one or more of the free Internet sites that you can use toget information:,, and arejust a few. In addition, for an annual fee, you can join, which gives not only price information but alsoinformation about performance and safety. Your Internet research will tell you almost exactly what thedealer paid for the model you want to buy, including any rebatesfrom the manufacturer. To determine what the dealer paid for thecar, add the base invoice price, the invoice price for any optionsyou select, and destination charges, and then subtract from thatfigure any special factory incentives or year-end rebates availableto the dealer. Dealers also get what is known as a “holdback”of between 2 and 4 percent from the car manufacturer. Theholdback was originally intended to offset the dealer’s cost ofkeeping cars on the lot, but it is now just a rebate to the deal-ers. The holdback is the same whether a dealer sells the car onthe day it is delivered or it sits on the lot for months. The Websites listed above provide holdbacks for specific cars. In addition,manufacturers offer special rebates, sometimes referred to as“factory” or “year-end” incentives, at different times of the yearand for models that are not selling well. Dealers sometimes pass
  • 224. 202 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGon these rebates directly to the consumers in the form of “dealercash-back” specials or below-market interest rates.MAKING THE DEALER AN OFFERAfter you determine what the dealer paid for the car you want,you are ready to buy. You can get most American cars for a fewhundred dollars over the dealer’s cost. Dealers are willing to dothis because with the manufacturer’s holdback, they still make afair profit. Sometimes, at the end of the month or at the end ofthe model year, dealers are willing to sell cars at cost. However,if you want a hot-selling model that is in short supply, you mayhave to pay a greater premium. You may also have to pay morefor certain Japanese or European cars. Most Internet sites thatoffer price data will also have information on how much overinvoice different types of automobiles have recently sold for.For example, provides information it calls “truemarket value,” which reflects what different cars are actuallyselling for in various parts of the country. This information isparticularly useful when determining what to pay for hot-sellingcars that are commanding premium prices. When you know what you should be paying for the car youwant, go to the showroom and tell the salesperson that you havedone your homework. Then tell the salesperson what you are will-ing to pay. You need to create the negotiating paradigm. Success-fully negotiating the price of a new car requires that you anchor thediscussions from the dealer’s cost, never from the manufacturer’ssuggested retail price (MSRP)—that is, the sticker price on the carwindow. Thus you would offer to pay “X dollars over the dealer’scost” rather than starting to negotiate down from the salesperson’sinitial offer of “Y percent off sticker price.” Do not fall into the trap of accepting the negotiating modelthat salespeople will try to use. Where you allow the negotiationsto start will determine where you end up. Never negotiate down
  • 225. BUYING OR LEASING A CAR 203from the sticker price. Ignore the sticker price. Negotiate up fromthe dealer’s cost. Be prepared to walk away and go someplaceelse if salespeople won’t meet your price. Although Kitty recom-mends offering $200 over the dealer’s costs and walking away ifthe salesperson doesn’t agree, we suggest that you offer to buythe car at cost and then let the salesperson convince you that theyneed to make a profit. You will still likely end up paying a fewhundred dollars over cost, or whatever is a reasonable markupfor the type of car you are buying, but the salesperson will feelas if he or she has gotten something. Dealers will try to sell you an extended warranty and creditlife insurance. Extended warranties are seldom good valueswhen you consider the manufacturer’s warranty that comes withthe car. Credit life insurance is usually an even worse value. Ifyou need more life insurance, you can almost always get it morecheaply from an insurance company. Finally, you should not haveto pay for document handling, other than perhaps a nominalcharge of no more than $50, or for any other additional dealerfees. The only fees you should be paying are destination charges,state sales tax, and the license and registration fees actuallycharged by your state. If you decide to buy a used car, the same basic negotiatingapproaches work. The only variable is that used cars, even of thesame make, model, and year, can vary significantly in condition.Fortunately, access to information and opportunities over theInternet today can make finding the car you want at a competi-tive price only a few clicks away. Be careful, however, of scamsand hidden fees, and don’t forget to negotiate. It is also prudentto get a CARFAX or similar car history report and have someoneyou trust—your regular mechanic, for example—inspect the carbefore you purchase it, whether you are buying from an indi-vidual or a dealer. The warranties offered by the dealer, as wellas the dealer’s reputation, are also important to consider whenbuying a car.
  • 226. 204 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING Car dealers are particularly motivated to move their inventory atcertain times, for example, the end of the month when they need tomake room for new cars being delivered. At those times, they maygive you a better price or throw in extras such as free oil changesfor a year. At the end of the model year, dealers often sell cars at orbelow cost because after the new models arrive, they can no longersell last year’s models at this year’s prices. Often manufacturersprovide dealers with year-end rebates of up to 5 percent, whichcan be used to negotiate a lower purchase price. Keep in mind that most salespeople get paid on commis-sion. The more you pay for your car, the more they earn. Theyalso may get a bonus for selling you an extended warranty orother dealer options such as fabric treatment or rust-proofing.Although salespeople want to sell you the car for as high a priceas possible, making the sale is even more important. If you walkaway and do not buy the car, they will not get paid anything. Once armed with the dealer’s cost information, you have theoption of going in and haggling. If you choose to do that, deter-mine the price you are willing to pay, be prepared to say no, and,most importantly, be prepared to walk away because you willprobably have to do so at least once. Jessica’s favorite approach,especially when buying a used car, which she has successfullyused herself as have some of her friends, is what she refers to as“the weekend deadline”: After I have done my research and found a few cars over the Internet in the local area that meet my specifications, I like to make an appointment with the seller (or dealer) of the car I would most like to buy from among the cars I have found. I prefer to set the appointment in the evening on a Thursday or Friday. If I am still interested after I test-drive the car, I start negotiating price: Round 1: I tell the seller what I want to pay for the car, and I pull out the check from my bank for the approved car loan in that amount, which is within the reasonable range of what I
  • 227. BUYING OR LEASING A CAR 205 believe would be an acceptable price to the seller based on my research. The check is blank, but it says, “Up to the amount of X is pre-approved” (X being the amount of my offer). This usu- ally results in a counteroffer by the seller. Round 2: I say I can’t afford to pay that for this car, but I offer to pay a little more than the amount on the check with my credit card or a personal check. When the salesperson comes back after pretending to discuss my offer with the manager (or sig- nificant other), again, the salesperson usually counters my offer and says it is the best he or she can do. Round 3: I thank the salesperson for his or her time, and I ask him or her to go back one last time and ask for the absolute best offer he or she can make for me to leave tonight with this car because if I can’t find a better deal by the end of the weekend and the car is still available, I will come back and buy it at that price. The price the salesperson comes back with is usually very good, but if it is not the best I think I can get, I thank him or her again and say that I may be back before the end of the week- end. Then I walk away. Round 4: More often than not, the salesperson will come back to me with an offer close to my last offer even if he or she has to chase me down as I am about to pull off the lot in the car I arrived in. Sometimes when you are buying a car, it is a good idea tobring a friend along for moral support or to play “good cop, badcop.” Golf course executive Cathy Harbin’s most recent experi-ence helping a friend lease a car is a good example: Cathy andher friend went to a local dealer. The friend described the makeand model of the car she wanted to lease, the basic options, andhow much she was willing to put down as a down payment. Thenshe asked what the monthly payments would be for their bestdeal, and she specified actual payments including everything, noextras. The salesperson quoted her $350 per month. She thankedthe salesperson and told him that the quote was way too muchand that they would just keep looking.
  • 228. 206 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING As they got up to leave, the salesperson said, “Wait a minute.How much do you want to pay?” Cathy responded, “Just tell methe best you can do.” After going back and forth for a while try-ing to get Cathy to make an offer, he finally said, “Well, let mego ask my manager.” He then came back with an offer of $320a month. Cathy asked if that included keyless entry, pinstriping,and a CD player. He informed her that those features were notincluded at that price. Cathy replied that they were in no rush.Her friend’s car was fine for now, she said, and they could keeplooking until they found one at the price they wanted. The sales-person asked what that price was, and Cathy eventually told himthat they would not pay more than $300 a month. He balked,and, after more haggling, he finally offered $307. Cathy saidno, and she prepared to leave. The salesperson asked, “Are youreally going to walk away for $7?” Without missing a beat, sheresponded, “Are you really going to let us walk away for $7?”Then they left. The salesperson called Cathy at home that after-noon. They agreed to split the difference, and her friend endedup paying $303.50. Few women enjoy this type of bargaining. We include it hereto illustrate not only how to haggle, a skill you sometimes needin order to avoid being taken advantage of, but, more important,to illustrate how Cathy deals with being underestimated becauseshe is a woman. The salesperson started the negotiations witha very high offer, probably because he was dealing with twowomen. Cathy did not let that upset her. She just kept being her-self and remained firm in her position until she got the price shewanted. That is good advice in any negotiation.TRADING IN YOUR OLD CARAnother way dealers make money is by buying your old car andthen reselling it. This is seldom a win-win negotiation becausethe less they pay for your car, the more they make when theyresell it. Be careful when trading in your old car. What you gain
  • 229. BUYING OR LEASING A CAR 207by negotiating a good price on a new car can easily be lost whenyou negotiate the price for your trade-in. Dealers can offer arelatively high price for a trade-in by inflating the sale price ofthe new car you are purchasing. Although this might look like agood deal, you will end up paying more than you would if younegotiated your best price for a new car and accepted the KelleyBlue Book value on your trade. You can avoid this by negotiatingthe purchase price for the new car before you discuss a trade-in.If the salesperson asks about a trade-in before you have agreedon a purchase price, simply say you have not decided what youwant to do with your old car. The Internet also offers a wealth of information that will enableyou to determine the value of your trade-in. The same Web sitesthat provide cost information on new cars also provide informa-tion on buying and selling used cars. Expect to get the wholesaleprice for your trade-in. That is the Blue Book price, or the pricethe dealer could get by selling it to a used-car dealer the next day,not the price for similar cars being advertised in the newspaperor on the Internet. You cannot expect to get a wholesale pricefrom the dealer when you purchase a new car and, at the sametime, get a retail price from the dealer on your trade-in. There-fore, you might consider selling your old car yourself. Althoughyou will receive a slight savings in terms of a lower sales tax onthe net purchase price if you trade in your old car to the dealer,that may be more than offset by the greater amount you couldget if you were willing to sell it yourself. Be sure, however, if youdecide to sell your used car by advertising it online that you takeadequate precautions to ensure your own personal safety.FINANCING YOUR PURCHASEDealers can also increase their profit when they negotiate financ-ing on a new or used car. Be careful about how you finance thecar. Check the interest rates being offered through local banksand over the Internet before you go to the showroom. Frequently,
  • 230. 208 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGthough, you can get a good deal financing a new car through thedealership. At certain times of the year, automobile manufacturers offerbelow-market-interest-rate promotions to increase sales. Beaware that local dealers are allowed to add up to several percent-age points, known as a “dealer markup,” to whatever interestrate their national lenders establish for customers, based on theirincome and the credit history the dealer obtains by running acredit check while their buyers are arranging the financing. If you have not done your homework, some dealers may try totake advantage by adding a dealer markup to the financing ratethey quote to you. Anti-discrimination lawsuits have been filedagainst the financing arms of several car manufacturers claim-ing that they use the dealer markup to charge higher rates tominorities. Some dealers may do the same when negotiating withwomen. You can protect yourself by researching your financingoptions ahead of time.LEASING A CARYou can use a mathematical formula to determine what it shouldcost to lease a car, based on the purchase price. Several computerprograms, and “apps,” are available that take the purchase priceand convert it into a monthly lease rate depending on your downpayment, the length of the lease, and prevailing interest rates.One such program can be purchased at As part of your preparation, you can use dealer cost data todetermine approximately how much you should end up paying inmonthly lease payments while varying options such as the lengthof the lease and the amount of the down payment. This allowsyou to approach the transaction as if you were buying a car. Tellthe dealer that you are interested in buying a car and, using thetechniques described above, negotiate the best deal you can,including your trade-in and the financing rate. Then ask what that
  • 231. BUYING OR LEASING A CAR 209price would convert into if you decided to lease instead. Be surethat the monthly lease payment is converted accurately because itis hard to tell if it is wrong. Ask to see the calculations. Because of all the variables involved, it is more difficult todetermine if you are getting a good deal if you negotiate themonthly lease payments directly rather than converting from anegotiated purchase price. If you do negotiate a lease directly,obtain offers from several dealers and/or Internet sites for thecar and options you want; then look for the best price. Be surethat the prices quoted are based on the same length of lease anddown payment. Buying a car is no different from any other type of negotiation.The key to success is preparation, confidence, and a willingnessto walk away. Unfortunately, dealers take advantage of buyerswho don’t understand the process. Many dealers treat womendifferently than they do men. In one study published in the Har-vard Law Review, men and women went to the same dealers ondifferent days to purchase identical cars. The initial price offeredto men was significantly lower than the initial price offered towomen. That difference remained even after both the men andthe women negotiated the best deal they could (Ayers, “FairDriving: Gender and Race Discrimination in Retail Car Negotia-tions,” Harvard Law Review, 104, 817–872, 1991.) By following the advice set forth in this chapter, you can buy acar from your local dealer and get a fair price. Alternatively, youcan change the negotiating model. You can go to a dealership likeKitty’s—and there are a few—where the prices are posted andare not negotiated, or you can shop on the Internet and avoid thepressure of a showroom. Or, like Terri, you can have someoneelse negotiate on your behalf. What you don’t have to do is paytoo much for a car just because you’re a woman.
  • 232. 11 The best investment on earth is earth. —L OU IS J. G L ICK M A N Buying and Selling Real Estate A Woman’s Place Is in the Home—Whether You’re Buying or SellingBUYING A HOMEWhether the real estate market is hot, cold, or somewhere inbetween is out of your control. Unfortunately often you also can-not control when you need to move because of events occurringin your life, such as divorce or job change. Therefore, prepara-tion, vision, and creativity are the keys to buying or selling ahouse. Pat Mastandrea, president of the Cheyenne Group, was inthe market to buy a house in Connecticut near the beach. At thetime, the real estate market was red-hot, and she had already losttwo houses in bidding wars. In each case, purchasers had bid upthe price of the house well beyond the original asking price, andPat had walked away. One afternoon, her Realtor called and told her about a housethat was about to go on the market. The broker described it 210
  • 233. BUYING AND SELLING REAL ESTATE 211as a unique old house in a great location near the water. Patgot the floor plans for the house, did some homework, learnedits history, and assured herself that it was in good shape. Sheknew the market, and it was clear the house would sell for atleast the asking price and probably more. Pat wanted the house,but she also wanted to avoid the hysteria that had surroundedthe two other houses she had attempted to purchase. So shedecided to change the negotiating paradigm and to create a newone. Before the house actually went on the market, she madean offer at the asking price, without an inspection and withoutany contingencies. Her only condition was that the house notbe put on the market. As Pat says, “What was the worst thatwas going to happen?” She had seen the house recently, andshe thought that, at worst, it might need a new furnace or someminor repairs. So she balanced the risk that the house mightneed some work against the risk of losing it, and she decidedto change the negotiating dynamic. She ended up buying thehouse for what, in hindsight, turns out to have been an excellentprice; five years later, it had more than doubled in value. Mostof us are not in Pat’s league when it comes to buying houses.We cannot afford to take the risk of buying a house withouthaving it inspected. We can, however, take a lesson from herand approach negotiations creatively.Have a Thorough Understanding of the MarketYour preparation begins with studying the housing market in thearea you are considering. Whether the market is strong or weak,there is no substitute for knowing what you want and what simi-lar properties are selling for in the area. For simplicity, we willtalk about buying a “house,” but the same advice applies to buy-ing a co-op or a condominium. Hollywood producer, director,
  • 234. 212 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGand writer Tamar Simon Hoffs shares some advice that she wasgiven years ago by a Chicago real estate developer: Investigate the market as well as you can. Really understand the value on every level. Do not determine what you are willing to pay by the price tag or on an emotional basis. Figure out the value, and base the entire negotiation on that value. Tammy has done very well following this advice. Knowing themarket is the starting point for all real estate negotiations. When you are looking to buy a place, first familiarize yourselfwith the area. Research the schools, shopping, your potential com-mute, and the other amenities that the neighborhood has to offer.Go on the Internet, visit different areas, and select neighborhoodswhere you would consider living. The more flexible you are interms of location, the more options you will have. Determine whatis important to you in a house—both what you must have and whatyou would like to have. Once again, the fewer your must-haves, themore houses you will have to choose from. And the more optionsyou have, the better your negotiating position. Figure out what you can comfortably afford to pay; then beginto look at houses in your price range. Have a broker drive youaround to look at houses. Go on the Internet to sites like,,, and, so you can get an ideaof what sellers are asking for houses. Some brokers offer virtualtours of the houses they are listing. As part of your preparation,have a lender pre-approve you for a mortgage, and take steps toclear up any credit problems you might have. This will make youmore attractive as a buyer. A thorough understanding of the market, including how fastor slowly houses are selling, is important. Is the market hot, orare you in a down market? In a hot market, you must be readyto buy because good properties will not remain on the marketlong. When the market is hot, the key is to recognize value. Ifa house is fairly priced, there will not be much room to negoti-
  • 235. BUYING AND SELLING REAL ESTATE 213ate. In a hot market, or if you are dealing with a unique piece ofproperty, the ability to act quickly can make all the difference.Your goal should be to close the deal quickly before other buyersmake competing bids. If the market is slow, on the other hand, you can afford to takeyour time. You can negotiate the price, ask the seller to throw inextras such as appliances or to fix problems that are discoveredduring an inspection, or just low-ball an offer to determine howwilling the seller is to negotiate. Put the basic negotiating principles presented throughout thebook to good use. Start by making the right offer. If you offer toomuch, you’ll pay too much. If you offer too little, you might nothave the opportunity to negotiate further. So how do you knowwhat to offer?Find out the Sellers’ SituationIn determining what to offer, start by researching “comps,”recent sale prices for comparable houses, as well as the currenttax assessment on the property. This information is a matter ofpublic record. Ask your broker to get the comps for you, andthen find out about the sellers’ situation. Why are the sellersmoving? How long has the house been on the market? If the sell-ers have to sell quickly, you are dealing with what brokers referto as “motivated sellers” and you can usually negotiate a gooddeal, particularly if you are willing to close promptly. People whohave been transferred, have lost their job, are getting a divorce,or have already purchased another home, usually need to sellquickly, as do people having difficulty paying the mortgage orfacing possible foreclosure. Similarly, if the owner has died, theestate will generally want to sell the house as fast as possible. Onthe other hand, sellers who are looking to buy a house elsewherebut do not have to move or are in the early stages of a divorcewill be more likely to wait for their price. Your ability to negoti-
  • 236. 214 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGate will also be affected by how long the house has been on themarket, whether there have been other offers, whether any earlieroffers have fallen through, and whether the house has any specialproblems. Distressed property and foreclosures are more common thanever. Property is considered distressed when the owners areeither behind on their payments or cannot afford to keep payingthe mortgage and maintaining the property. Understanding thebasic process and the potential downsides of these types of trans-actions can help reduce your risk and enable you to recognizeopportunities in a difficult real estate market. Before you con-sider buying or selling distressed property, however, it is advis-able to contact a local real estate attorney and licensed real estateprofessional who has experience with foreclosed property. While buying distressed property can be daunting and it canrequire professional help, if handled properly, there are greatbuys to be had in a weak market. Be aware, though, that theprocess can take much longer than a traditional sale and thereare risks involved, including potentially not being able to see theinside of the home, or get an inspection prior to the purchase.Moreover, sometimes these purchases involve evicting hostile ordestructive occupants from the property. If you are the one who needs to sell a distressed property ora home that is worth less now than the amount you owe on yourmortgage, it is important to know your rights. As with any poten-tial negotiation, do your research, prepare, and create optionsfor yourself. Find out about available government programs, andcontact your bank to find out if it has any “workout” programsthat may allow you to reduce your obligation. You can obtain a great deal of information from your localbroker. As Carolyn Klemm, owner/broker at Klemm Real Estatein Litchfield, Connecticut, puts it: “Good brokers are like gossipcolumnists: they know everything about everyone.” It is helpfulto talk directly with the sellers’ broker or with the sellers them-
  • 237. BUYING AND SELLING REAL ESTATE 215selves, if you have the opportunity. Ask to meet with the sellersto discuss questions you may have about the house, the schools,or the neighborhood. This gives you an opportunity to find outabout the sellers’ situation and to develop a relationship withthem as well. Once you understand the market and the sellers’situation, you can value the property accurately and determinehow to properly anchor your offer. Then make a bid. Making some sort of bid, as long as it is reasonable, will giveyou information about what the seller really wants. Gina Doynow,North American community relations director for Citicorp, usedthat approach to close a deal on the apartment of her dreams.She had been looking for a two-bedroom co-op within her pricerange, located near a park, and with a terrace and a view. Shefinally found what she was looking for, but it needed some work.So she made a bid about 15 percent below the asking price withthe aim of getting information from the broker about what theseller really wanted—more cash up front, a speedy closing, or ahigher price. As she suspected, the owner wanted a large cashdown payment and a quick closing because the apartment wasvacant. After she understood what the owner’s interests were,she was able to structure a second offer that satisfied those inter-ests and at the same time provided her with a good price. She gotthe information she needed from the broker, however, only aftershe made an initial bid. You can use a low bid to get information,but it must be a serious bid.Look for What Others Don’t SeeWhen buying real estate, it helps to have vision. The markettakes advantage of people who have no tolerance for renovation.Lisa Brown, a broker at Stribling Associates who regularly sellscondominiums and co-ops on New York’s Upper East Side formillions of dollars, suggests looking for a well-priced apartmentthat is poorly presented. Most buyers will fail to see the potential.
  • 238. 216 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGAccording to Lisa, “People who can see what other people miss”will find bargains in any type of market. Also, as Carolyn Klemmnotes, “Women generally have more vision when it comes to dec-orating and renovating.” That is a tremendous advantage whenyou are buying real estate. If you do not have that talent, bringsomeone along with you, perhaps a friend, who does, which isexactly what I did when I brought Jessica with me to help medecide if I wanted to buy, at a court auction, an old rundownhouse on the beach with fantastic views. Remember, though, decorating cannot fix problems with ahouse. A structural inspection will reveal any major problems.Ordinarily, your offer should include a clause that allows you tocancel the deal without any penalty if an inspection reveals anysignificant problem. “Significant” can be defined by a dollar valuein terms of the cost of remedying the problem or left to your dis-cretion within a certain time period—for example, you can can-cel without penalty within three days following the inspection. Ifyou include an inspection clause in your offer, you then have theopportunity to renegotiate the price or get the sellers to correctany major problems discovered during the inspection.Make Relationships Work to Your AdvantageAnother advantage that many women have when they negotiateis the ability to develop a relationship with the sellers’ broker andthe sellers themselves. Linda Gedney, a top broker for PrudentialFox and Roach, describes the importance a personal relation-ship can play in real estate transactions. She was working with ayoung couple who were trying to purchase a house just outsidePhiladelphia. They found a house they liked and made an offeron it, but another party also made an offer on the same house.To facilitate the negotiations, Linda wanted to get her buyers andthe sellers together so they could “bond.” She arranged for thecouple to visit the property and asked that the sellers be there,
  • 239. BUYING AND SELLING REAL ESTATE 217ostensibly to answer any questions that came up. The sellers likedher clients, and, as she later found out, did not like or trust theother potential buyer, whom they knew from the neighborhood.In the end, the sellers accepted a slightly lower offer from herclients because they liked them and believed that the deal wouldclose without any problems if they accepted their offer. Leadership coach and former investment banker Allison Ash-ley, managing partner at Veracity International, benefited fromconnecting on a personal level with the broker who was handlingsales for a new development. While looking at homes, she becamefriendly with the broker. In the course of their conversations, shelet him know that she was a single mother raising two childrenby herself. They talked about his children, and he sympathizedwith how difficult it must be for her. When it came time to nego-tiate the price, after some discussion, Allison got him to giveher what she felt was his best offer. At that point, rememberinghis sympathetic response to her situation, she asked, “Can’t youdo any better for me? I’m a single mom.” Although he told herhe could not lower the price any further, he agreed to lower hiscommission and to upgrade the carpet and tile in the house atno additional cost. Margery Hadar, a residential real estate broker and vice presi-dent at William B. May Co. who specializes in handling co-opsand condominiums on New York City’s Upper East Side, sharesour view that it helps to develop a relationship with the peoplewith whom you are negotiating. It is best to try to connect directlywith the sellers, but it is also useful to have a relationship with thesellers’ broker. Margery believes, as we do, that it is a mistake totry to bring down the price by “knocking” the property. People,especially women, are usually proud of their homes and what theyhave done with them. It pays to appeal to that pride by compli-menting the property rather than trying to denigrate it. Margery tells of one deal in which a potential buyer cameto her and said, “I am making what you might consider a low
  • 240. 218 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGoffer because this is the worst apartment in this building.” Eventhough she is a professional and her only relationship with theowner was as his broker, this made her angry. She liked theapartment, and her initial reaction was, “How dare he?” In theend, she sold the apartment to someone else. Had he come in andsaid he loved the apartment, she would have made every effortto help him get it. Based on her years of experience selling realestate, Carolyn Klemm advises: If a woman comes to a home and admires it and compliments the woman of the house who is responsible for decorating it, she will be flattered. She will want to sell to someone who appreci- ates the house. It is always harder to say no to someone you know, especiallyif you like them. So if you can get to know the sellers and theiragent, it will make negotiating with them a lot easier.Remain Emotionally Detached, and Be Willing toWalk AwayIn the end, though, all your preparation, creativity, vision, anddeveloping of relationships are no substitute for the ability to sayno—to remain unemotional about the property and to be able towalk away if necessary. If you let your emotions affect how younegotiate, and buying a house can be very emotional, you willnot be able to negotiate effectively. When you fall in love with ahouse, you cannot negotiate well because you cannot walk away.This is one of the biggest mistakes women make. Carolyn Klemm was representing Faith Stewart Gordon, theowner of the Russian Tea Room in New York City. Faith, who waslooking for a place in Connecticut, found a huge converted barn.She fell in love with it and quickly went to contract on it. OnceFaith had a little time to think about it, though, she realized thatshe had made a mistake. The house was too big, had too much
  • 241. BUYING AND SELLING REAL ESTATE 219land, and would cost too much to maintain. It was a great house,but it did not suit her needs. Because she was under contract, shehad to go through with the purchase, but she immediately askedCarolyn to sell it for her. Luckily, Carolyn was able to resell itwithin a month for what Faith had paid plus her selling expenses.Although all real estate purchases are emotional, to be successful,you must be able to pull back and not negotiate emotionally.Be Creative in Your ApproachOften the most important things about buying or selling propertyis to be creative in how you approach the negotiation. WhenMaxine Hartley, an executive career coach with the Ayers Group,was starting out as a recruiter, she worked out of a small officein a townhouse on New York’s Upper East Side. Eventually sheneeded a larger office, but she wanted to stay in the same area.Her landlord wanted more for the additional space than shecould afford, and space elsewhere in the area was exorbitant. Soshe took a different approach. She went to the owner of a nearby brownstone and askedhim if he would allow her to gut the first floor of the building,which he was using for storage, and put in an office. She offeredto hire the architect and build the office for him. In return, shewanted a 10-year lease at a below market rent. At the end of the10-year period, the owner would get the offices, which he couldthen rent out at the market rate. Everyone made out well in thisdeal. The owner had never thought about using the space for anoffice. It cost him nothing. He immediately began receiving rentfrom Maxine that he had not been receiving before. In addition,at the end of the lease, he had office space that he could rent outvery profitably. As for Maxine, even after paying for the architectand building the office, she still got a beautiful office in a greatlocation for less than she had been paying in rent—all because
  • 242. 220 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGshe used the create approach to come up with a different way toget the office space she needed. When Tamar Simon Hoffs was looking to build a house on thebeach in Malibu, she could have gone to brokers and told themwhat she wanted. But because there is almost no undevelopedproperty in Malibu, she would probably have ended up buyingdeveloped property and tearing down whatever was on it—andpaying an exorbitant price as well. So, like Maxine, she took adifferent approach. Tammy went to Malibu, started looking at property, and cameacross a beautiful piece of beachfront property that appeared tohave been abandoned. She checked the town records and foundout that it belonged to a local university that had received it as agift from an alumnus. Tammy knew that the university had to bepaying substantial taxes on the property, although no dormitoriesor classrooms could be built on it due to zoning restrictions. Soshe convinced the university that they would be better off sell-ing the property than holding on to it and paying taxes in thehope that someday they might find a use for it. Eventually theyagreed. Although the property was not on the market, she cre-ated a negotiating situation that was extremely favorable to her.Because the school was not in the business of selling real estate,they viewed the property differently than someone in the busi-ness might have. As a result of her create approach, she got oneof the last undeveloped pieces of Malibu beachfront property foran excellent price. Former Citigroup executive Jerri DeVard also had to use createto buy a place in New York City after moving there from NewOrleans. The apartment she wanted was very expensive, but ithad a number of things wrong with it. Jerri asked the owner tomake some repairs or to reduce his asking price, but because themarket was hot, he refused to negotiate even though he did nothave another buyer. Jerri realized that she needed to change herapproach. She tried to figure out what she could do to motivate
  • 243. BUYING AND SELLING REAL ESTATE 221him to negotiate, and she finally decided to look at a lower-pricedapartment that was on the market in the same building. Jerrimade sure, by letting his broker know, that the owner of the firstapartment knew what she was doing. Once he realized that hemight lose the deal, he agreed to a lower price. It also helps to create with regard to other aspects of a homesale other than the price. For example, if you are not pressedto move in quickly, offer to close when it’s most convenient forthe sellers. That gives the sellers the feeling that they are incontrol. Lisa Brown points out the need for both creativity andunderstanding when you are buying or selling a residence. Forinstance, she was representing a buyer who was moving to NewYork. The buyer had three children starting school on Septem-ber 1. She and the seller had reached an agreement on the price,but they could not agree on a closing date. The seller could notmove into his new place until October 1, and he refused to closebefore then. So Lisa went to him, told him about the three kids,and asked him to put himself in the position of the buyer. If hehad three children moving to a new neighborhood and startingat a new school, what would he want? Then, when she offeredto put him up in a hotel until he could move into his new place,he readily agreed.SELLING YOUR HOMEPrice Your Home to SellKnowing the market is just as critical when selling a home as whenbuying one. Pricing your property correctly when you initially putit on the market will determine how much you ultimately get andsometimes whether it sells at all. You typically get your best offersduring the first few weeks that your house is on the market, soyou want to price it to attract offers. After a house has been onthe market for a period of time, people begin to wonder if there is
  • 244. 222 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGsomething wrong with it. Brokers stop showing it. It becomes, asbrokers say, “overexposed.” One mistake that women often makeis to put a house on the market at a price that cannot really bejustified just to “test the market.” If you are not ready to sell, donot put the house on the market. If you do, and the house does notsell, you will have difficulty selling it when you decide you reallywant to. Moreover, the price you ultimately receive will be lowerthan if you had priced it properly in the first place. Most brokers suggest that you price a home slightly above mar-ket. If you price it too high, you will discourage potential buyers.But if you price it too low, you will not have any room to negoti-ate when someone makes you an offer. When William B. May Margery Hadar represents buyers, she likes to negotiatedeals in three steps: an initial offer, a second offer, and then afinal offer. That way, she gets to see how the sellers react. Shebelieves that this approach results in her getting better prices forher clients. In real estate transactions, people expect to bargainexcept when the market is hot. Whether you are dealing withbuyers who use two, three, or even more steps, you should setyour initial asking price at a level that is reasonable, but slightlyhigh so that you have room to bargain.Appeal to Buyers’ EmotionsAs a seller, you want potential buyers to fall in love with yourproperty. Buying a house is often an emotional decision. If abuyer becomes emotional about the property—if he or she can’twalk away—you will be able to negotiate a better price. This isparticularly important when the housing market is weak. Howa house looks and the feel you give it play a role in making thathappen. Do whatever inexpensive cosmetic work is necessary tomake the property look warm and inviting. A fresh coat of paint,new carpeting, and some landscaping can do wonders.
  • 245. BUYING AND SELLING REAL ESTATE 223 Show the house with minimal, basic furniture that is neithertoo big nor too small and that highlights the positive attributes ofthe house. Professional “staging” companies can be hired to helpdecorate your house before you put it on the market. In recentyears more real estate agents have become knowledgeable aboutwhat their clients need to do to maximize the sale’s appeal oftheir home. Some brokers have begun to work with professionalstaging consultants who typically charge a flat fee, which theyusually agree to defer until the house sells. Keep the house neat and clean at all times so that you can showthe property at a moment’s notice. Rent storage space for excessfurniture, and remove unnecessary clutter that will detract fromthe appeal of the house. Clean the windows. Make sure the housesmells nice, and have soothing music playing in the backgroundwhen people are looking at the house. Some brokers even suggestyou have bread or cookies baking in the oven. Do whatever youcan to get potential buyers excited about wanting to live there.Create CompetitionAs a seller, you always want to get more than one buyer inter-ested in the property to encourage bidding competition. As dis-cussed in Chapter 3, people want what others value. The fact thatsomeone else is interested in the property will often cause buyersto reevaluate how they originally valued the property, resulting intheir offering more than they would have otherwise. For example, William B. May Co. broker Margery Hadar wasrepresenting a couple who were selling a condominium on NewYork’s Upper East Side in a hot market. In setting a price, theyreviewed what comparable units had sold for in the buildingand in the neighborhood. Their asking price was slightly abovewhere Margery thought the market was. She began showing thecondominium early Monday morning. On the first day, they got
  • 246. 224 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGa bid for the full asking price. Rather than accepting it, theydecided to continue showing it because they were afraid they hadunderpriced the unit. They told the first bidder that they wantedto keep it on the market for a week before they responded toany offers. On the second day, another buyer offered to pay fullprice. By Friday, they had a third bidder also willing to pay theasking price. So Margery called all three buyers, told them thatthere were three offers at the asking price, and said she would beaccepting sealed bids on Monday morning. The three bids camein at $25,000, $30,000, and $35,000 over the asking price. Byletting all the buyers know that others were interested in theproperty, Margery was able to get a higher price than any com-parable apartment had ever sold for in that neighborhood. The purchases and sales of homes are normally the biggestnegotiations most people ever engage in. Nonetheless, the basicprinciples of convince, collaborate, and create still apply. In fact,because of the size and complexity of these transactions, youhave even more opportunity to use them to your advantage.
  • 247. 12 If you look carefully, you will find that the act which made you angry has also given you certain opportunities. —TH E DA L A I L A M A Divorce Don’t Get Even, but Get EnoughJill and her husband, Tom, have been married for 12 years. Theyhave two lovely children, Lauren and David, ages six and eight,whom they both adore. Tom has his own accounting practice.Jill left a public relations job in the city when David was bornbut recently took a part-time marketing position with a localcompany. This afternoon Tom called and said he would not becoming home. He wants a divorce. Jill is devastated. In hindsight,she should have seen it coming. Now she does not know whatto do. This scenario, or some variation of it, happens every day inthis country. By some estimates, almost 50 percent of all mar-riages end in divorce. And these days, wives are just as likelyto leave their husbands as the reverse. Yet many women whogo through divorce, regardless of whether or not they are theinitiating party, fare badly. Although the convince, collaborate,and create principles discussed in this book apply, divorces are 225
  • 248. 226 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGdifferent. Divorces are a tragedy for everyone involved. There areno good outcomes—only less-bad ones. Even though your rela-tionship with your spouse, as you have known it, is over, you willhave a continuing relationship, particularly if you have children.The nature of that relationship will affect not only your life buttheirs. Therefore, how you negotiate with your spouse matters. You and your spouse know each other better than anyoneelse with whom you will ever negotiate. You both know what isimportant to each other. Moreover, you know each other’s “hotbuttons,” the things that you care about and the things that driveeach of you crazy. To complicate matters further, divorces arefull of emotion, especially anger. Yet, no matter how emotionallyunprepared you are to deal with a divorce, you will have to reachan agreement with your husband, or the courts will impose oneon you. That agreement will govern your future dealings, bothfinancial and otherwise, with your husband and your children.You will be forced to make critical decisions at a time whenyou may not be well equipped to do so. Many women want theirlawyer to make these decisions for them. Your lawyer will adviseyou, but in the end only you can make the key decisions. Youcan do this well or badly, but you are ultimately responsible fornegotiating the divorce settlement. After everything is over, yourattorney will get paid and move on to the next case, but you willhave to live with the results. Divorce is all about negotiating. But it is also about relation-ships: husband-wife, parent-child, lawyer-client, lawyer-lawyer.Moreover, you are not ending the relationship with your spouse.Rather, you are redefining it and negotiating a new relationship.Obviously, if children are involved, there will be a continuing rela-tionship whether you want one or not. Even if you do not have chil-dren, you are still defining a financial relationship that may includedistribution of property, temporary support, ongoing alimony, andother issues. Often, this financial relationship does not end whenthe divorce is granted. It can last for many years afterward.
  • 249. DIVORCE 227 Out of these negotiations two relationships will be forged: theformal legal relationship, the terms of which will be set forth inthe divorce decree, and the informal interpersonal relationshipbetween you and your ex-husband that will exist following thedivorce. You must pay attention to both. Too often, women sacri-fice one or the other. If you do not protect yourself in terms of theformal relationship, you are likely to find yourself regretting thedecisions you made. Moreover, you may never recover financially. On the other hand, if you focus solely on the formally negoti-ated relationship, you are likely to end up in what Lynn News-ome, a New Jersey divorce lawyer, describes as a “high-conflictpost-divorce relationship” in which one of you is always runningto court to resolve issues or to try to reopen the financial termsof the settlement. A high-conflict post-divorce relationship is theultimate lose-lose outcome. Both parties remain embroiled incostly legal proceedings and continue their emotional entangle-ment. Neither party is free to get on with his or her life. Moreover,after all the fighting, there may not be enough money left to payimportant expenses such as your children’s college education.IF YOU DON’T REACH AGREEMENT, THE COURT WILLDO IT FOR YOUWith that in mind, much can be done to successfully negotiatea divorce settlement. Prepare, use what you know about yourspouse, and use time to your advantage. Be empathetic, but nottoo empathetic; don’t be afraid; and avoid acting on your anger.Be creative. Think “outside the box,” and hire a lawyer who doesthe same. In other words, apply the convince, collaborate, andcreate principles. However, divorce is a unique situation in whichmany women either collaborate too much or do not collaborateat all. Either way, they hurt themselves. Therefore, the first taskyou and your lawyer must accomplish, before you can success-fully collaborate and create, is to convince your soon-to-be ex-
  • 250. 228 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGhusband that what you are willing to offer is better than what hewould get if he went to trial. Divorce negotiations are unique in that, if you and your hus-band cannot reach an agreement, there is a mechanism in placeto do so for you. Unlike a situation in which, for example, youand a friend end up taking separate vacations because you can’tagree on where to go, if you fail to reach agreement on a divorcesettlement, you don’t simply go your separate ways. The courtimposes a settlement on you. When the court imposes a settle-ment, it is usually worse for both parties than what they wouldhave agreed upon themselves. Even though the alternative to reaching an agreement yourselveshas little to recommend itself, sometimes parties need to actuallyexperience the legal process for themselves before they can actu-ally get down to negotiating. Unfortunately, the contentious natureof the process tends to make it much harder to collaborate whenthat time comes. The parties must usually first reach a commonunderstanding about the range of possible outcomes that a courtmight order before being able to use collaborate and create tech-niques to craft an agreement that better meets their needs. Yourattorney’s convince skills will play a critical role in making thathappen. A good attorney will manage to convince without causingadditional animosity between you and your spouse.PREPARING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFEDivorce is a complex process. If you are not the initiating party,you probably have had no occasion to educate yourself aboutthe process or to prepare yourself financially or emotionally todeal with it. As Vikki Ziegler, a divorce attorney with Walder,Hayden and Brogan and a TV commentator, notes: “You needto accept that the marriage is over and that this is not a battle;it is a business deal. You need to get on to the next chapter inyour life.” Taking the following basic steps will help prepare you
  • 251. DIVORCE 229to negotiate a settlement that allows you to get on with your life,both financially and emotionally.Retain a Good LawyerYour first priority is to find a good lawyer that you will be com-fortable with. But where do you find one? Ask around. Talk withpeople who have gone through divorces. Ask lawyers you knowwho specialize in other areas of law. Get a list of lawyers whoare active in the matrimonial section of your state bar associa-tion. After you have done all this, meet with at least two lawyers.Discuss ahead of time whether that initial consultation will befree, and, if not, what the fee will be. When you meet with them,in addition to discussing their experience and how they wouldhandle your case, be sure to discuss their fees and if they willhandle your case personally. How will you know a good divorce lawyer when you see one?Start with the qualities that you would want in any attorney:competence, professionalism, and expertise in the particular areaof law. Experience in both trying divorce cases and negotiatingsettlements is important. Good divorce lawyers must know howto try a case but should not be anxious to do so. On the otherhand, if they are afraid to take your case to trial, your ability tonegotiate a fair settlement will be undermined. Above all, you must feel comfortable with your attorney. Youneed to trust his or her judgment. You want someone who under-stands what you care about. Look for an attorney who is willingto listen to you, who will be able to deal with you even whenyou are angry or emotional, and who will tell you when you arebeing unrealistic. Finally, find a lawyer who is creative and canthink outside the box. Check out prospective lawyers carefully,and then trust your instincts. Part of your preparation is to educate yourself about the pro-cess and what you can realistically expect. Your lawyer plays a
  • 252. 230 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGkey role in that education. A good divorce lawyer should be ableto tell you what different judges will give you, within a reasonablerange, in the event that your case goes to trial. To make the trade-offs necessary in any divorce settlement, you need an attorneywho can accurately assess what is likely to happen if your caseends up in court. Be wary of any attorney who paints too opti-mistic a picture. A good lawyer must be willing to tell you thingsthat you may not want to hear. Any lawyer who does not give yousome bad news is probably not being forthright with you. Keep in mind that it is not your attorney’s role to take care ofeverything for you. Some women, particularly if they have reliedon their husbands to take care of financial matters, look to theirlawyers to fill that void. Lawyers are advisers. They cannot makedecisions for you. Women who fail to educate themselves aboutthe divorce process and about their personal finances usually endup being disappointed with their attorney. They find themselvesmaking decisions they are not prepared to make, and, as a result,they often end up regretting those decisions.Understand Your Family’s FinancesVikki Ziegler notes: “Most women are not informed about whatassets they have in their marriage.” She recalled speaking at aseminar with 60 professional women in attendance. All of themhad stock portfolios, yet when she asked them what was in theirportfolios, none of them could tell her what stocks they owned. To work out the financial terms of the divorce, you need finan-cial information, and you want to obtain it as quickly as possible.Ziegler advises: “Become your own private investigator. Find thedocuments: What type of income is being earned? Is there cashsomewhere? Stocks, bank accounts, a safe deposit box, life insur-ance, jewelry, or other assets?” In most divorces, one party or the other will attempt to under-state income and hide assets. With the extensive records generatedtoday, this has become harder to do. Nonetheless, it is in your best
  • 253. DIVORCE 231interest to find out immediately where your family’s money comesfrom and where it goes. This becomes particularly importantif your husband owns his own business and is not a W-2 wageearner. Copy all the financial records you can find, includingchecks, bank statements, credit card statements, and tax returns.Make lists of everything the two of you own, including all yourinvestments. Consider taking steps to safeguard your assets, suchas storing your jewelry in a safe deposit box. Preparation can make the difference between a good settle-ment and a nasty court battle. Roberta Benjamin, a well-knownMassachusetts divorce lawyer and partner in the firm of Benja-min and Benson, describes one such case. Her client’s husbandowned several businesses, including a driving range, which isprimarily a cash business. For tax purposes, he claimed that thedriving range produced about $250,000 a year in revenues. Herclient suspected, based on the way they lived, that it generatedmuch more. When she began to suspect that her husband mightbe filing for divorce, she made copies of two years’ worth of herhusband’s daily handwritten notes listing driving range receipts(for example, “Saturday, May 8, sunny; $2,200”). This informa-tion, in his own handwriting, was crucial in showing that thedriving range produced almost $600,000 a year in revenues, notthe $250,000 he was claiming. This knowledge enabled Robertato negotiate a much more favorable settlement for her client. You must also educate yourself about financial issues that arelikely to arise. Questions about how to divide pensions, 401(k)savings, IRAs, and even stock options are common in divorcestoday. Some of the decisions that you will be called upon to makerequire a basic understanding of the tax consequences resultingfrom your choices. For example, alimony is taxable, but childsupport is not. By the same token, your ex-husband will be ableto deduct alimony, but not child support. Therefore, whether youlabel payments as alimony or as child support can have impor-tant tax consequences. Dividing up marital property also has taxconsequences. Your primary residence may be worth much more
  • 254. 232 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGthan an equally priced vacation home that you rent out, after youtake taxes into account. You can sell your marital home for a tax-free profit of up to $500,000 for a married couple or $250,000 ifyou’re single at the time of the sale. However, when you sell thevacation home, you will be taxed on your profit and may have topay additional taxes if you have depreciated the vacation homefor tax purposes. Similarly, $100,000 cash in the bank is wortha lot more than $100,000 in appreciated stocks because you willhave to pay capital gains taxes on the profits from the stock whenyou sell it.Educate Yourself about the ProcessLearn everything you can about the process. Read at least oneof the many good books on divorce. Some of these includeWhat Every Woman Should Know about Divorce and Custody(Berkley Publishing, 2007) by Gayle Rosenwald Smith; Divorcefor Dummies (IDG Books, 2009) by John Ventura and MaryReed; and The Smart Divorce (Chicago Review Press, 2007) byDeborah Moskovitch. Join a support group. Do not be afraid toask your lawyer questions. However, you can avoid wasting yourlawyer’s time and your money by gaining a basic understandingof the process first. To achieve a settlement that truly meets yourneeds, you must be an active participant in the process. To dothat, you must understand it.Determine What You Would Get If You Were Forced toGo to TrialThe outcome of most divorce cases is predictable within a rea-sonable range. As mentioned earlier, an experienced divorce law-yer can tell you with a fair degree of accuracy what a judge mightaward in terms of alimony, child support, division of property,and custody. Based on that information, you can then determineyour bottom line. Once you take into account the cost of going to
  • 255. DIVORCE 233trial, you have a good idea of the minimum settlement that youshould be willing to accept. Then create and collaborate comeinto play. Trade-offs can be made. In the end, you should be ableto craft an agreement that gives both you and your spouse whatis most important to each of you.Prepare Yourself EmotionallyAs part of your preparation, recognize that while divorce is anemotional time, you can’t let your emotions drive the negotia-tions. Most women going through a divorce are either angry orafraid, or both. As a result, their first instinct is to refuse to worktogether to find mutually acceptable solutions. There is a ten-dency to want either to strike out or to just capitulate and get thisover. Roberta Benjamin describes this common phenomenon: Women, whether housewives or Ph.D.s, come in with economic fears. They see financial ruination, which results in their getting angry. This gets in the way of negotiating. They try to overreach, seeking resolutions that are impossible. Often, if women can feel less victimized, they can get a better settlement.As much as you might fantasize about vacationing on the Rivierawhile your ex-husband makes do in a one-room sublet with a hotplate, that is not going to happen. Neither is a father who hasworked 80 hours a week and has missed every school play, LittleLeague game, and parent-teacher conference while you stayed athome raising the kids going to get sole custody. Women who do not control their anger and fear tend to pro-long the divorce process and make it more contentious. Whenthat happens, there is less for everyone. Divorce is not aboutrevenge. It is about getting a deal that allows you to maintainyour financial situation and eventually improve it. It also is aboutagreeing on the terms that will govern how your ex-husbanddeals with you and your children. Your goal should be to reachan agreement that you can both live with and that will create asgood an environment as possible for your children. If you are
  • 256. 234 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGangry, you need to get past it. Time, education about the process,and therapy can help. Consider them all part of the necessarypreparation to negotiate your divorce.NEGOTIATING YOUR DIVORCE SETTLEMENTDivorce negotiations are unique in several respects. First, nego-tiating a settlement can require an extended period of time.Typically, the process takes a minimum of a year and sometimesmuch longer. Often divorce cases do not get settled until the par-ties are about to go to trial. What you do while the negotiationsare taking place can play a role in how well you fare. Considerthe following general advice, but keep in mind that your attorneyshould advise you about your specific situation.Negotiate UnemotionallyEven if you have prepared yourself to handle the emotionsinherent in the divorce process, there will be moments whenyou simply can’t. Your emotions—be they anger, hurt, despair,impatience, or just plain old fatigue—will overcome you. Whenthat happens, avoid negotiating. Take a break and resume later,or at another time when you are better able to keep things inperspective. Unless you are on the courthouse steps about to goto trial, there will always be another time. A little inconvenienceis better than agreeing to something that you will seriously regretlater on. While you shouldn’t negotiate when you are emotional, divorceis one of the few times when crying can actually work to youradvantage. According to Ziegler, “It’s okay to cry. Sometimesmen feel guilty. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. But itcan’t hurt. Men have a hard time dealing with crying.” While we were writing this chapter, I was reminded of the onetime during our divorce when my ex-wife got emotional—to herdetriment. During our marriage, we had accumulated a number
  • 257. DIVORCE 235of beautiful pieces of furniture at estate sales and antique shows.We were both particularly fond of one piece, a beautiful Art Decodining room table that had once been owned by a minor-partypresidential candidate. When it came time to negotiate a prop-erty settlement, we agreed to take turns choosing the furniturepieces we wanted. We agreed to decide who would get first pickby tossing a coin. So when the day came to divide up the furni-ture, we went to the house with a friend of hers who had agreedto oversee the process and to keep a record of our picks. As luckwould have it, I won the coin toss and selected the dining roomtable. To my surprise, my wife was not just disappointed, she wasdevastated. At first, she tried to convince me to change my pick. Itold her that she should pick and we could revisit the table issuelater. She could not stop focusing on the table. She was besideherself with emotion. She did not care about the rest of her picksand it showed. I had her take a break. I told her friend to talk toher. But even that did not help much. She just wanted to be donewith it. She ended up unhappy not just about losing the table butabout the rest of her picks as well. When she realized how upsetshe was over losing the table, she should have asked to continueanother day when she was in a less emotional state.Do Not Do Anything RashBecause divorce is such an emotional time, avoid taking precipi-tous actions. According to divorce attorney Lynn Newsome, onecommon mistake that women make is to move out of the house.Unless you have concerns for your safety or the safety of yourchildren, this is seldom a good idea. Leaving the marital home,particularly if you are not the primary breadwinner, dramaticallychanges your financial situation and puts pressure on you toaccept a settlement that might not be in your interest. Once youmove out, you must find a place to stay and a way to pay for it.Although your spouse has an incentive to keep paying the mort-gage on the marital home, if only to protect his investment in it,
  • 258. 236 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGhe has no reason to pay for your new place. Moreover, the courtwill take into consideration how much he has to pay to maintainthe marital home when determining how much he can contributeto your temporary support. Similarly, leaving the children withyour spouse will hurt your chances of being awarded primarycustody. When it comes to custody of the children, the party whois taking care of them has a distinct advantage. If you have been a nonworking wife, consider carefully whetherto get a job. Getting a job will reduce your leverage in negotiatingthe terms of your financial settlement. On the other hand, evenif it hurts your legal position, you will probably have no choicebut to get a job if you leave the family home. In most instances,your spouse will not have enough money to pay for 100 percentof your new life, nor will the courts generally require him to doso. If you move out, you will probably have to get a job to pay foryour new living quarters.Recognize That Emotions, Particularly Guilt and Anger,Can Affect Your SettlementFeelings of guilt are natural in a divorce, especially if childrenare involved. Recognizing that your spouse may be feeling guiltycan help you obtain a favorable settlement. Women generally feeluncomfortable taking advantage of someone else’s feelings ofguilt, whereas men have little problem using any edge they mighthave in a negotiation. In divorce cases, however, many womenare angry and only too happy to use their ex-husband’s feelingsof guilt to get what they want. Unfortunately, their anger oftenprevents them from doing so effectively. Many men who leave their wives are involved with, or havebeen involved with, another woman. Typically this is not some-thing he is particularly proud of. Moreover, when children areinvolved, men almost always feel some guilt, regardless of theirfeelings toward their spouse. Men also tend to get over thesefeelings easily, so if you display anger and bitterness toward him,
  • 259. DIVORCE 237your spouse will quickly stop feeling guilty. Angry behavior onyour part makes it easy for him to justify his actions by blamingyou for causing the divorce. Sometimes you can exploit guilt feelings by pushing througha settlement quickly before they dissipate. At other times, youcan take advantage of this emotion by simply doing nothing. Forexample, if your husband moves out of the house but continues topay the bills and deposit money into the joint account as always,it may be in your interest to maintain the status quo because hemay be giving you more temporary support than a court wouldorder. Moreover, if the situation continues for any length of time,it will serve as a basis for seeking an equivalent amount of per-manent support. When this occurs, one attorney we spoke withadvises her clients to simply “ride the gravy train until it stops.” One obvious caveat: If you are the spouse having an affair orif you are the one who is initiating the divorce, you will not beable to call upon your spouse’s feelings of guilt. He is more likelyto be feeling anger. However, in those instances, he may well tryto use your feelings of guilt to get you to accept less than a fairsettlement; so be on your guard.Timing Is Everything in Life and in DivorceTime is another element that can be effectively used in nego-tiating a divorce. If your spouse is the one who has filed fordivorce, he may be in a greater hurry than you are to concludethe proceedings. If he has moved out of the house, maintainingtwo homes may be causing financial strain. Or, it could just bethat, as the party initiating the divorce, he is more anxious to geton with his life. Being aware that time can play a role in yourhusband’s willingness to reach an agreement provides a distinctadvantage. To the extent that your spouse is in a hurry, use timeto your advantage. If he is not in any rush, you may have to waituntil he is ready. Sometimes divorce negotiations get resolvedonly when one or both the parties have had enough. But if you
  • 260. 238 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGfind yourself feeling that you have had enough and just want out,do not give in to that emotion.Knowledge Is Power, So Use It WiselyAs mentioned, divorce negotiations are unique because the par-ties know each other so well. As they say in the superhero com-ics, “This power can be used for good or for evil.” Unfortunately,when we are in the throes of divorce, we tend to use this knowl-edge to push each other’s buttons. Women may be tempted to usethe children to get to their husband. Men may try to threaten orbully their spouse into submission. Such tactics seldom have theintended effect. Sometimes women try to deny their former spouses visitationrights, or they refuse to tell them about the children’s activities.Using your children as leverage in a divorce, or, worse yet, to geteven with your former spouse, does not work and only makesresolving the divorce more difficult. Courts see right through it.When one party tries to use children to gain an advantage, it doesnothing except hurt the children. Always bear in mind that, evenif your ex-husband is the worst person on the face of the earth, heis still the father of your children. Negotiate accordingly. Conversely, men often try to intimidate their wives by threat-ening a custody battle. However, unless there are unusual cir-cumstances, your lawyer should be able to quickly reassure youthat your ex-husband has almost no chance of getting sole cus-tody of your children. Those threats are meaningless in court andare usually counterproductive in the negotiating process. Recently, we were talking with a divorced friend who is a verysuccessful consultant. We asked whether her former husband, asuccessful doctor, had tried to intimidate her during the divorce.She said he had threatened to “ruin” her. He warned her that,by the time he was finished, she would never recover financially.That made her angry, and his threats had the opposite effect of
  • 261. DIVORCE 239what he intended; they just made her want to fight back. Sheadded, however, that now, years later, he had begun acting muchnicer toward her. While he owed her several thousand dollars inback alimony, he was being so nice she felt uncomfortable press-ing him to pay her. This is one way in which men can use theirrelationship with you to your detriment, if you let them. Typically,it is not your husband’s threats that should worry you. Rather, thetime to keep up your guard is when he is treating you nicely.First Convince, Then CollaborateOnce you get beyond the emotions involved, divorce is ideallysuited to collaborative solutions. At one time, at least, you wereprobably in love with your husband, and he was in love with you.If you have children, you will have to continue to see and deal witheach other for years to come. You both have a variety of interestsyou need to satisfy. Collaborate offers numerous opportunities foryou to accommodate his interests without sacrificing your own. Structuring your settlement in a way that reduces taxes is oneway the two of you can collaborate. Doing so can provide each ofyou with more money. Your attorney can advise you about oppor-tunities to maximize tax benefits in a divorce settlement. RobertaBenjamin offers an example of how this can work. Roberta was representing a woman whose husband was earn-ing a high salary at the time of the divorce. He had agreed to paya commensurate amount of child support, but then he lost his job,and he eventually had to take a much lower paying position. Hefiled a motion to reduce his child support payments. It was clearthat the court would have to grant that motion in some form.Instead, the parties simply agreed to recast the child support astax-deductible alimony. The husband saved enough in taxes as aresult so that he did not have to reduce the total amount he waspaying. And because the wife was in a much lower tax bracket,the change had only a minimal impact on her tax liability.
  • 262. 240 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING By thinking about your husband’s interests in a collaborativeway, you can also often find ways in the course of your dailyinteractions to satisfy both of your interests. Sometimes all youneed do is ask in the right way. If, for example, your son’s soccerteam is going out of town to play in a Thanksgiving tournamentand you would find it difficult to pay for his bus and hotel room,you might ask your ex-husband if he would like to take your sonto the tournament. You may be surprised at how willing he mightbe to do that. What are the keys to reaching a collaborative settlement? First,determine what you want and what you can reasonably expect toget. As mentioned above, your lawyer should be able to tell youwhat you can realistically expect to get if you go to trial. Onceyou know that, you can begin the process of finding out what isimportant to your husband. The fact that you know him so wellis a tremendous advantage at this point. Then you can begin theprocess of maximizing your respective interests. Keep in mind thatcollaborate does not mean giving up things that are important toyour future, and to which you are entitled, for the sake of main-taining some form of friendly relationship with your ex-husband.Rather, your goal is to reach a fair settlement that maximizes bothof your respective interests to the greatest extent possible.When You Cannot Achieve Your Objectives byCollaborating, CreateBecause of the emotions involved and the inherent contentious-ness of the legal process, create techniques can play a criticalrole in reaching an agreement. As in any negotiation, comingup with an alternative proposal or even just describing what youare asking for in a different way can cause your spouse to acceptsomething that was previously unacceptable. When my ex-wifeand I were finalizing our divorce settlement, I refused to pay anyadditional alimony or child support beyond what was then being
  • 263. DIVORCE 241discussed. Even though I was adamant about not increasing thefinancial settlement, her lawyer was effectively able to tap in tomy sense of guilt by saying, “Look, when your 10-year-old daugh-ter comes to you and says she wants to go to soccer camp but hermom says she can’t afford it, are you really going to tell her shecan’t go? Since you’re going to pay anyway, to settle this, let’s justagree you will pay up to X dollars a year to send your daughterto camp for the next three years.” When she put it that way, I notonly agreed but I also harbored no resentment about paying thatmoney so that my daughter could go to camp. Create can come into play in many ways. Attorney Lynn News-ome describes a case in which the two people getting divorcedcould not agree on anything. The husband insisted on havingjoint custody of the children and would not accept anything less.He was adamant on that point. Lynn was representing the wife,who had been responsible for making all the decisions involvingthe children during the marriage. The wife was afraid that herhusband would use joint custody rights to harass her. Based onhis behavior during the settlement negotiations, she had legiti-mate reason for concern. Lynn was able to resolve that issue bythe creative use of language. She proposed that the parties have“joint custody” but that her client, the mother, have “sole deci-sion-making authority” for most aspects of the children’s lives.This satisfied the husband and avoided a custody battle. Much of this chapter has focused on women who are not theprimary breadwinner, which is probably more common than theopposite situation. However, it is becoming increasingly commonfor women to make more money than their spouses. Do thesesame negotiating approaches work for them? The answer is yes,with a twist. You can use all the prejudices built into the systemto protect nonworking women to your advantage. For example,a normal, healthy man who has been the primary caregiver foryour children will be assumed to be capable of going to work andearning a decent living. Most judges will have much less sympa-
  • 264. 242 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGthy for, and be much less generous with, a nonworking man thanthey would with a similarly situated woman.Avoid These MistakesThere are certain things that women sometimes do when theyare going through a divorce that make it more difficult to reachan agreement that is satisfactory to everyone involved. AttorneyVikki Ziegler advises that women avoid the following commonmistakes: • Telling friends and family what you really want: Your friends and family talk to your husband or his friends. They may even think that by sharing that information, they are helping you. Ziegler advises: “You can’t negotiate with all your cards on the table.” So avoid discussing settlement negotiations with anyone other than your attorneys or the financial advisors involved in the case. • Threatening your spouse: In most types of negotiations, making threats is usually counterproductive. This is particu- larly true when you are dealing with a divorce because of the emotions involved. “When you get men angry, they respond negatively and don’t think rationally; that is the opposite of what you want.” • Flaunting a new person in your life: Doing so “creates jeal- ousy. It hardens the other side’s position. Your former hus- band will not want to give you money to spend on your new boyfriend. It makes reaching a settlement more difficult.” • Taking legal advice from your friends: Clients often say to her, “My friend got this. Why can’t I get the same thing?” Each case is different. Hopefully you took the time and effort necessary to find a good lawyer. “Take your lawyer’s advice; that is why you are paying him or her.”
  • 265. DIVORCE 243Plan for Your FutureSuccessfully negotiating a divorce settlement requires lookingat the big picture and taking the long-term view. Some women,often to their detriment, adopt a short-term focus when they aregoing through a divorce. They just want to get through the nextfew years, take care of the kids, and get them through college.Others focus only on the short term because they assume theywill remarry. Consider where you will be 10 or 20 years fromnow. You want to be able to maintain your present lifestyle or,at least, something that approaches it. Realistically, you and yourhusband will both probably end up reducing your lifestyle at first,but he will eventually improve his. You need to negotiate so thatyour lifestyle will improve as well. Women who have not worked outside the home sometimes feargoing into the workplace. Numerous programs and other supportare available to help women make this transition. Although yourlawyer may advise you that it is not in your interest to begin oneof these programs before the terms of your divorce are finalized,educate yourself about what is available so that you can takeadvantage of those resources when the timing is right. Most men are willing to agree to pay for their wife’s educa-tion or job training because they assume these will reduce theiroverall financial obligations. In most cases, an agreement foryour husband to pay for additional education or job training willhave little impact on the financial settlement. But it may have asignificant impact on your ability to build a successful future. For purposes of determining alimony, most attorneys askjudges to assume that a nonworking homemaker is capable ofearning a certain amount of income even if she has never workedoutside the home, at least if she is under 50. Because workingmothers are now the norm and people are working much longer,this trend is likely to continue. So you might as well take advan-tage of education and training opportunities that will help you
  • 266. 244 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGbuild a better life—and have your spouse pay for it. A good timeto raise that issue is when your husband’s lawyer asks that yourability to get a job be taken into consideration in determiningalimony, as he or she probably will. It is important to get what you need, not just to survive but toprosper. That means knowing what you are entitled to and think-ing expansively and creatively to ensure your future.
  • 267. 13 One of the things I noticed was that the moment there was any kind of audio attached to virtual reality, it really improved the experience. —THOM A S D OL BY Virtual Negotiating for Women When You Cannot Be There in PersonWhen I was vice president of labor and employee relations atMacy’s, in the days before cell phones were commonplace, Ineeded to speak with the company’s CEO about an unexpecteddevelopment in an ongoing labor negotiation. At the time he wasvacationing at a secluded resort in Mexico that had no telephoneservice. So we literally had to get someone from the nearest townto go up the mountain and bring him back to the town so that hecould call us from a local pay phone. To someone coming of agenow, in a world where we are never out of touch, this probablyseems unimaginable. Today we can communicate with almost anyone, anywhere, atany time of the day or night via cell phones, BlackBerries, iPhones,e-mail, text messaging, teleconferencing, videoconferencing, and 245
  • 268. 246 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGsocial networking. Conference calls and virtual meetings havereplaced traditional conference rooms as the venues generallyused by businesspeople to communicate and negotiate. In ourpersonal lives, everyday decisions are reached via e-mail, text, ortelephone. In the future, technologies that facilitate communica-tions will exist that we cannot even imagine today.CONTROLLING TIMINGAudrey Cramer, vice chair of Cushman & Wakefield, the world’slargest privately held commercial real estate services firm, usedthe word “liberating” when describing her ability to be anywherein the world and continue doing business as usual. Of course,she has had to learn to answer her phone “politely and profes-sionally” in the middle of the night when she is traveling overseasbecause “the client on the other end of the phone doesn’t knowand doesn’t necessarily care that you are asleep on the other sideof the world.” Not everyone, however, feels “liberated” by beingconnected to his or her work 24 hours a day. Sometimes negotiations need to wait until you determine thatthe timing works to your advantage. When you are negotiatingvirtually, it is relatively easy to control timing. An e-mail or textmessage, for example, that you are traveling and will get back tosomeone as soon as you return will ordinarily do the trick. Just because we can instantly get in touch with anyone no mat-ter where he or she is doesn’t mean, however, that doing so is thebest way to persuade that person to give you what you are seek-ing. While many of the same principles apply whether you aredealing with a person face-to-face or negotiating from a distance,those principles sometimes need to be applied in a different way.At times a wholly different dynamic comes into play when youare negotiating virtually.
  • 269. VIRTUAL NEGOTIATING FOR WOMEN 247THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OFVIRTUAL NEGOTIATIONTo be an effective negotiator you need to understand how virtualnegotiating differs from negotiating in person. The disadvantagesof negotiating virtually are obvious. Diane Danielson, founderand chief social media strategist for the Downtown Women’sClub, highlights the key disadvantage: “It is harder because youcan’t see body language.” Virtual negotiations also lack the spon-taneity that allows individuals to smooth over misunderstandingsand resolve disagreements as they arise. Danielson describes a negotiation she was conducting bye-mail with someone she wanted to hire for a marketing posi-tion. In describing what she was looking for, Danielson indicatedin an e-mail to this individual that she wanted the person shehired to focus on “attorneys as a target market.” The responseshe received from the candidate was basically “No thank you, Idon’t really want to work with attorneys.” While that could havebeen the end of the negotiations, Danielson picked up the phoneand called her. In the discussion that ensued, it became clear thatwhile Danielson had used the word “attorneys” in her e-mail,what she was really talking about were law firms large enough tohave a chief marketing officer. With that clarified, the remainingissues were readily resolved. Jennifer Gibbs, Ph.D., an assistant professor of communica-tions at Rutgers, notes that for women, virtual negotiationsoffer both advantages and disadvantages. Research suggests thatwhen people negotiate virtually, there is a “disinhibiting effect”resulting from the anonymity of the interactions. People engag-ing in virtual negotiations “feel less social pressure to be polite.”As a result, virtual negotiations tend to be more impersonaland competitive. They also tend to take longer and break downmore often. In addition, because they are less concerned about
  • 270. 248 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGwhat people think of them, individuals are generally more directin their communications when negotiating virtually. The moreparties involved in the process, the more difficult it is to man-age, causing the time it takes to reach an agreement to increaseexponentially. Some of these disadvantages can be mitigated byconscious efforts to build relationships and the use of mixedmedia (that is, phone and teleconferences or videoconferencesto supplement e-mail exchanges) coupled with occasional face-to-face meetings. Kathleen McKenna, a partner with the law firm of ProskauerRose, describes negotiating a very complex deal with anotherattorney over the phone. The relationship between their clientswas particularly acrimonious. During the course of what turnedout to be a very long and difficult negotiation, Kathleen was ableto develop a relationship with this attorney, even though they hadnever met in person. She attributes the parties’ ultimately beingable to reach an agreement to the existence of that relationship.If not for their ability to work together, at several points duringthe negotiations their clients would have walked away from thedeal. After the negotiations were over, Kathleen had the occasionto meet this attorney and his wife in person. Although she hadnever met him before, Kathleen described that meeting as beinglike “a reunion with a long-lost cousin.”DEVELOPING RELATIONSHIPS VIRTUALLYThe twin pillars of negotiating are relationships and information.That is true whether we are talking about negotiating virtuallyor in person. Building a relationship with the people with whomyou are dealing will greatly enhance your likelihood of success.The more important someone’s relationship with you is, themore invested he or she will be in bringing the negotiations toa mutually agreeable conclusion. So too, the more informationyou can gather, the more effective you will be in achieving your
  • 271. VIRTUAL NEGOTIATING FOR WOMEN 249negotiating objectives. Developing relationships and gatheringinformation are both more difficult when you are interactingwith someone only virtually. There are techniques, however, thatwill help you do both. How do you go about developing relationships with peoplethat you have never met? You have to go out of your way to makesure that it occurs. Whether by telephone, by e-mail, or by usingother available technologies, spend time communicating withthem, and don’t limit yourself to the business at hand. Too oftenwe forget about the social niceties when we are communicatingvirtually, especially when we are using e-mail. Ask about thingsthat might be going on in their life. Inquire about their weekend,vacation, family, hobbies, work, and other activities that theyengage in. Comment about a shared interest. Use mutual friendsto help establish a personal connection. Allison McGowen, formerly the chief operating officer for theLos Angeles Sparks of the WNBA, supports the view that if youare going to negotiate virtually, it is important to try to “builda relationship first.” When she was dealing with new potentialclients, she would always start with a phone call to try to get toknow the people first before sending an e-mail because “it is somuch easier to say no to an e-mail.” When she was seeking outpotential sponsors for the team, McGowen would also try to firstconnect with people in the organization through LinkedIn orFacebook. She found that once people got to know her via socialnetworking, “they were more willing to take a meeting or referme to the appropriate decision maker.” She warned, however:“As a woman, it is especially important to keep it professionalwhen you network online so that no one gets the wrong idea.” Cristi Kolvin, chief creative officer for Fresh ID, a design andtechnology firm involved with social media marketing, does a lotof negotiating via the Internet with clients that she has never met.Her online presence, resulting from her extensive use of Twitter,blogs, and other social media, has facilitated those negotiations:
  • 272. 250 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATING“It results in people feeling like they know you even though youhave never met.” Kolvin also advises that women particularlytake pains to ensure that their online presence is professional.This lends legitimacy to their business and gives people theconfidence to enter into a business relationship with them, eventhough they have never met. To facilitate her own professionalimage, she uses formal proposals, standard contract forms, andeven executes contracts using a service that allows participants toenter into legally enforceable contracts using digital signatures.That enables them to start work immediately once an agreementis reached. Kolvin notes that social media has proven to be a particularlyadvantageous tool for women when they are negotiating virtu-ally. She believes that “women use social media better than menbecause they are chattier.” Men want to “get right down to busi-ness,” according to Kolvin, but “that doesn’t work as well online.”When negotiating virtually, she advises: “Develop friendshipsbefore you try to develop client relationships.” If you are going to be negotiating with someone on an ongoingbasis, it pays to find reasons to stay in touch. People love it whenyou call or e-mail them just to see how they are doing. Most arepleasantly surprised when they find out you are not asking themfor anything. If the negotiations are important enough, it may beworth the time and expense to meet face-to-face with the personwhom you will be negotiating, either before you begin or at somepoint later. Meeting someone in person puts a very different lighton subsequent interactions. Even more powerful than the efforts you make to get to knowpeople when it comes to building a relationship are the actionsyou take to help them. Send them articles on subjects that relate totheir interests. Inform them about professional events that mightbe relevant to what they do, and if you are going to attend, invitethem to join you. In short, go out of your way to show people thatthey are important to you, unrelated to anything that they can dofor you.
  • 273. VIRTUAL NEGOTIATING FOR WOMEN 251 Kay Ann Hoogland, formerly the vice president, global diver-sity and compliance, for Motorola, describes how she tried tobuild relationships with the Motorola executives she dealt withoverseas. She always scheduled her introductory phone call ata time that was convenient for the other party. When that indi-vidual was in Asia, because of the time difference, that usuallymeant calling in the middle of the night, her time. Since mostexecutives from the U.S. headquarters called during their nor-mal business hours, which would be the late evening in Asia,Hoogland’s thoughtful behavior was always recognized andappreciated. It allowed her to start off her relationships withthese executives on a very positive note.GATHERING INFORMATION VIRTUALLYGathering and sharing information is also more difficult whenyou have to do it virtually. One of the major problems with nego-tiating from a distance is that it is harder to determine what willmotivate the other party to want to help you. Once you developa relationship though, this becomes easier, but it still requireseffective listening and the ability to read people, skills that aremade more difficult to apply virtually because of the lack of thesocial cues that we have when we negotiate in person. Different techniques are required to gather information andconvey your message, depending on the specific virtual mediumthat you are using. Regardless of the technology being used,always bear in mind that the people you are interacting withare not there with you. That means either they can’t see you or,even when they can (that is, when you are using videoconferenc-ing), the visual cues they receive are not the same as they wouldreceive if you were in their presence. People that you are communicating with virtually are easilydistracted. You can neither gather information from nor per-suade those you seek to influence if they are not paying attention.Therefore, it is critical to keep your audience’s attention at all
  • 274. 252 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGtimes. Too often we are unsuccessful in our efforts to connectwith people virtually because we simply impart informationusing the available technology. A two-way interaction is requiredif you want to truly connect with someone. Often the best way toachieve the intended result is to “force” your audience to interactwith you by asking questions and engaging them.ADVANTAGES TO VIRTUAL NEGOTIATING FOR WOMENThere can be advantages to women that result from negotiatingvirtually according to Alice Stuhlmacher, Ph.D., an associateprofessor in the psychology department at DePaul Universitywho has conducted research on gender differences in virtualnegotiations. According to Dr. Stuhlmacher, there is a substantialbody of research that supports the view that “women negotiatedifferently than men” and “often reach less favorable results thanmen.” These differences can be attributed in part to the fact thatwomen “have more concerns about how they are being perceivedand are less confident” when negotiating. This in turn causesthem to be “less competitive and assertive,” which, at least in cer-tain types of negotiations, can result in less favorable outcomes. Dr. Stuhlmacher’s initial research indicates that these concernsare lessened when women negotiate via e-mail or text messages.As a result, it is easier for many women to take tough positionsand stick to them when they are doing so virtually. E-mails area particularly effective tool for making proposals you might feeluncomfortable making in person. Wendy Gillette, a writer, producer, and reporter for CBS News,has a side business creating video résumés for people working onair. A young woman contacted her by e-mail seeking her services.The young woman told her what she was willing to pay, but itwas less than Gillette normally charged. So Gillette sent heran e-mail offering a small discount off her standard price. Theyoung woman e-mailed back that she was not willing to pay any
  • 275. VIRTUAL NEGOTIATING FOR WOMEN 253more than she had originally offered, suggesting that she knewsomeone else who would do it for that price. Gillette doubtedthat this other person really existed. But she needed the work, soeventually Gillette agreed to the price. Had they been negotiatingin person, Gillette would have been better able to tell if the youngwoman was bluffing about the existence of a competing offer. AsGillette noted, sometimes it is easier and more effective to “staytough if you are negotiating by e-mail.” Another advantage of virtual negotiating for women, particu-larly young women who might be lacking in negotiating experi-ence, is that, at least if the primary medium being used is e-mail,they have time to develop a well-thought-out response and toseek advice from others if they need it. According to Dr. Stuhl-macher, not having to respond instantaneously allows women to“collect their thoughts, gather information, and separate out theiremotions.” Technology allows us to expand the universe of people withwhom we can readily negotiate, reaching out to anyone no mat-ter where they are physically located. Ultimately, however, thattechnology is of little avail if we don’t understand how to applynegotiating principles virtually. The 3Cs —convince, collaborate,and create—Influencing Method, the U Perspective, relation-ship building, and information gathering are equally importantwhether you seek to negotiate virtually or do so face-to-face.However, the manner in which those principles are brought intoplay needs to take into account both the strengths and the limita-tions of the particular technology that you are using. Each virtual medium has different uses. E-mail has the advan-tage of anonymity and delay, which allows you to take tougherpositions and gives you time to formulate your responses. Usinge-mail enables the sharing of large amounts of information andprovides the ability to enhance the legitimacy of your positions byattaching articles or linking to information on Web sites that sup-ports your positions. The clarity and detail you can provide via
  • 276. 254 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGe-mail can be powerful. E-mails are also useful for documentingagreements that have been reached by phone or in person. ErinNoonan, COO for Americas Sourcing at Barclay Capital, advisesthat when you are negotiating by e-mail, “avoid being emotionaland just focus on the facts.” She adds that negotiating by e-mailcan be effective “where you don’t expect or want a back-and-forth.” When seeking to convey feelings rather than facts, how-ever, e-mails often result in misunderstandings. Comments ine-mails are often misinterpreted because of the lack of socialcues such as tone or body language. You need to be careful aboutwhat you write in e-mails because, as Danielson notes, “once yourespond in writing, you are stuck with what you wrote.” Instant messaging is similar to e-mail in that it doesn’t allowfor social cues, but because the communications are in real time,it takes on more of a conversational flavor, mitigating potentialmisunderstandings. That benefit is sometimes offset, however, bythe lack of time to provide a thoughtful response and the casualnature of the interactions. Telephone conversations can facilitaterelationship building and are also better tools for resolving mis-understandings. Jessica and I have a rule that if after two e-mailswe have not been able to resolve a problem, we pick up the phoneand call. Videoconferencing is similar to face-to-face communi-cations in that it allows, to a certain extent, for social cues to betransmitted, but it is not nearly as useful as face-to-face discus-sions in terms of gathering information and building a rapport. Dr. Stuhlmacher notes: “When you are dealing with a short-term, no-relationship negotiation that is fairly simple, involv-ing only a few issues” and a competitive negotiating strategy iscalled for, “virtual negotiations may be better for women whoare uncomfortable with this style of negotiating.” On the otherhand, in more complex negotiations requiring problem solvingand a more collaborative approach, face-to-face negotiations mayprovide an advantage for women because of “their greater facil-ity in building relationships and reading social cues.” Face-to-
  • 277. VIRTUAL NEGOTIATING FOR WOMEN 255face negotiations also allow for less formal communications andaccidental knowledge sharing that can result in breakthroughswhen the parties are at an impasse. When dealing with sensitiveissues, face-to-face negotiations usually are better because themore social cues, the easier it is to avoid misunderstandings andto recognize and react when things are not going well. The key to being effective when negotiating virtually is toembrace the create concepts discussed in Chapter 5. Determinewhen it is in your interest to negotiate virtually and which com-munications media will be most effective in the context of thenegotiations in which you are engaged.
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  • 279. Appendix Negotiating Skills and Attitudes ChecklistUse the following checklists to rate and track the development ofyour skills and attitudes on a scale of 1 to 10. Understanding Practicing Mastery (1 to 4) (5 to 7) (8 to 10)GENERAL ATTITUDESConfidencePreparationWillingness to walk awaySPECIFIC ATTITUDESAble to be myselfNot afraid to askAble to negotiate for myselfMaintain focus on my goalsAvoid empathy trap 257
  • 280. 258 A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATINGAble to say noAble to keep emotionsfrom interferingTake reasonable risksUse humorTake people as I find themCONVINCE SKILLS ACTIVE LISTENING Listening under Attending Reflecting back Clarifying Encouraging Acknowledging effort Recognizing feelings Using silence Summarizing PURPOSEFUL QUESTIONING Asking open-ended questions Repeating back in question form Answering a question with a question Using questions to persuade ANCHORING Determining the range of possible outcomes Anchoring the initial offer properly
  • 281. NEGOTIATING SKILLS AND ATTITUDES CHECKLIST 259 MESSAGE DELIVERY Developing themes Highlighting benefits Tailoring arguments Leading discussion to desired conclusion Anticipating objections Creating legitimacy Using experts Adjusting the message Managing expectations Using concessionsCOLLABORATE SKILLSDeveloping relationshipsLeveraging other relationshipsDetermining interestsUsing value differencesTradingExpanding the pieCoupling interestsIdentifying different optionsCREATE SKILLSExamining assumptionsExploring other alternativesChanging the peopleTrying different thingsCreating new paradigms
  • 282. IndexActive listening, 67–70, 258 Bias, working with, 54–58Adjust your message, convince, 96–99 “Bitch” stereotype, 21–23, 44–45Aggressive style, 21–23, 137–143 Black, Cathie, xv, 47–48, 63, 95, 176,Agreement on options, 116–119 188Alignment to create solution, 126–127 Blackburn, Katie, 48, 125Allowance, children’s, 167 Bloom, Lisa, 8, 17Allyn, Jennifer, xiv, 59–60, 172–173 Body language, 65–67Anchor point, 77 “Bologna technique,” 107Anchoring, 77–84, 258 Boyfriends, 158–164Answering questions with questions, 74 (See also Significant others)Arguments, structuring/supporting, Brown, Don, 128 90–94 Brown, Lisa, 215–216, 221Ashley, Allison, 217 Buying a car (see Cars, buying)Asking: Buying a home, 210–221 employers, 176–178, 184 for help, 72–73 Caputo, Lisa, 27–28, 87, 95 for more than you expect, 28–29 Cars, buying, 197–209 purposeful questioning, 70–77, 258 creative approach to waiting list, 122 remembering to ask, 24–30 described, 197–201 what other side would do, 75 fi nancing, 207–208 “why,” 73, 114–115 vs. leasing, 208–209Assumptions, examining, 130–132 making an offer, 202–206Attending, active listening, 68 research on dealer’s cost, 201–202Attitudes, negotiating checklist, 257–258 trade-ins, 206–207Audience, tailoring message to fit, 91 Chang, Jeannette, 105–106, 109Authenticity, as crucial, 19–20 Children, negotiating with, 80–81,Authority to negotiate, 85–86, 122–123, 166–170 129–130 Chores and significant other, 153–155Automobiles (see Cars, buying) Christianson, Brenda, 136Azenburg, Manny, 53 Circling negotiating approach, men, 135–139Baranski, Christine, 15, 52–53 Clarifying, active listening, 68BATNA, 12–13, 16 Clinton, Hillary, 27–28, 87, 95Being your best self, 19–24 Clothing choices, 20–21Benefits to other party, highlighting, 89 Collaborate, as skill, 100–119Benjamin, Roberta, 231, 233 agree on option, 116–119Berra, Yogi, 9 described, xviii–xix, 101–104Biaggi, Carol, 9 divorce, 239–240 260
  • 283. INDEX 261 generating options, 115–116 described, xviii, xix, 120–123 identify other party’s interests, 111–115 different approaches, 124–126, long-term view, 109–111 132–133 mutual relationships, 108–109 divorce, 240–242 negotiating checklist, 259 examining assumptions, 130–132 as problem solving, 102–103 goal directed, 132 projecting confidence, 7 home buying, 219–221 relationship development, 104–108 negotiating checklist, 259 value differences, 112–114 negotiating with key people, 122–123College acceptance, 24–25 relationship-based, 123–124Comfortable, helping others feel, 67 risk taking, 51Commonalities, focus on, 97–98 (See also specific negotiations)Communication: Crying, 44–45 gender differences, 134–145 Current total compensation, 182–184 non-verbal, 65–67 significant other, negotiating with, D’Alessio, Kitty, 51–52, 66–67, 100–101, 152–153 108 (See also specific negotiations) Daniels, Samantha, 148, 163Compensation negotiations, 174–176, Danielson, Diane, 247 179–184 Dating, 158–164Competition, creating: Daughters, teaching to negotiate, employers, 189–191 170–173 real estate transactions, 223–224 Deal breakers, 34Competitive style, 21–23, 137–143 Delivering your message, 84–96, 259Compromise, 29 Details, mastering, 32–35Concessions, 96–99 DeVard, Jerri, xiii, 146, 171, 195–196,Confidence, 1–7 220 and authenticity, 19–20 Direct negotiating approach, men, dating, 158–164 135–139 delivering your message, 94 DISTRACTED mnemonic, 43 as key to negotiating success, 3–5 Divorce, 225–244 projecting, 2–3, 5–7 agreement vs. trail, 227–228, research people, 4 232–234 tips for projecting, 6 described, 225–227Convince, as skill, 59–99 negotiating settlement, 234–244 active listening, 67–70, 258 preparing for, 228–234 adjusting your message, 96–99 (See also Significant others) anchoring, 77–84, 258 Doctrine of legitimacy, 93 concessions, 96–99 Dominguez, Cari, 85–86 delivering your message, 85–96, 259 Dorfner, Maria, 174–175 described, xviii, xix, 60–61 Doynow, Gina, 93, 215 divorce, 239–240 Dress, 20–21 listening effectively, 61–67 negotiating checklist, 258–259 Ellig, Janice Reals, 23 purposeful questioning, 70–77, 258 Emotions: (See also specific negotiations) children, 169–170Conway, Elaine, 168 divorce, 233–237Cooper, Carole, 48–49, 106, 113–114 failure to control, 42–48Copeland, Miles, 2 home buying, 218–219, 222–223Couple interests, 116, 150–151 recognizing, active listening, 68–69Cramer, Audrey, 45, 135, 144, 246 significant other, negotiating with,Create, as skill, 120–133 160–161 alignment, 126–127 tone, 94–96 bringing in different people, 128–130 Empathy trap, 35–38
  • 284. 262 INDEXEmployers, 174–196 Hardball style, 21–23, 137–143 ask for what you want, 176–178, 184 Hartley, Maxine, 175–176, 219 current compensation, 182–184 Hill, W. E., 102 enthusiasm, 184–185 Hoffs, Susanna, 2, 38–39 information on salaries, 179–181 Hoffs, Tamar Simon, 220 marketing yourself, 194–196 Hollands, Jean, 22, 52, 150 non-salary issues, 185–186 Homes (see Real estate transactions) other offers to create competition, Honesty in negotiating, 90 189–191 Hoogland, Kay Ann, 251 raises and promotions, 191–196 Hopkins, Deborah, 45 salary, 174–176, 179–184 Hopkins, Jan, 22, 34–35, 91, 153, 186 third-party negotiators, 186–189 Humor, 51–54Encouraging, active listening, 68–69 Husband (see Divorce; SignificantEnthusiasm and employers, 184–185 others)Errors (see Mistakes in negotiating)Evans, Carol, 35, 163 Identify other party’s interests, 111–115Evans, Gail, xvii, 32, 37–38, 75, 142–143 Information gathering (see Research)Expand the pie, 116 Interests of people, 10–11, 111–115,Experts to support argument, 91–94 150–151Eyre, Vivian, 49–50 Internet (see Web sites) Irving, Claire, 62, 133Family, negotiating with, 165–173 (See also Divorce; Significant others) Johnson, Tory, 25–26Farrell, Patricia, 6, 29–30, 33, 36–37, 39, Jung, Andrea, 41, 61–62, 96 44, 135, 159Feelings (see Emotions) Kahn, Randi, 31Finances, divorce, 230–232 Kepchar, Carolyn, 28Financing a car, 207–208 Klemm, Carolyn, 214, 216, 218–219Firing employees, 64 Kolvin, Cristi, 249–250Fisher, Roger, 12, 103, 111, 118 Kravis, Henry, 51Flexible, remaining, 32–35Ford, Katie, 105 Lagani, Donna, 42, 80–81, 96–97, 109–110, 126, 165Gedney, Linda, 216 Lagerfeld, Karl, 100–101, 108Gender differences: Laughter, 51–54 breaking rules and risk taking, 50 Lawyer, as employment negotiator, comfort in negotiating, xiv–xvi 186–187 daughters, teaching to negotiate, (See also Divorce) 170–173 Leading vs. lecturing, 92 emotional control, 42–48 Leasing a car, 208–209 negotiating styles, 134–145 Lichtenberg, Ronna, 26 outcome focus, xvii–xviii Lieberman, Janice, 25, 129–130, 147, underestimating women, 55–56 163–164Generating options, 115–116 Listening, 61–70, 168, 258Gersch, Lisa, 47, 62, 80–81, 141, Lite, Marcia, 171 149–150 Littlefield, Warren, 17Gibbs, Jennifer, 247–248 Lloyd, Anna, 57–58Gillette, Wendy, 104, 252–253 Long-term view, collaborate, 109–111Glick, Alexis, xiv, 14, 55, 104–105 Lowndes, Leil, 16–17, 162–163Goals, 9–10, 132Golden Rule of Negotiating, 36 Managers, talking to, 129Gretzky, Wayne, 27 Marketing yourself with employers, 194–196Hadar, Margery, 217, 222–224 Marks, Emily Menlo, xvi, 111–112Hambrecht, Patricia, 113, 117–118 Marriage and commitment, 162–164Harbin, Cathy, 46, 76–77, 205–206 (See also Divorce; Significant others)
  • 285. INDEX 263Mastandrea, Pat, 198–199 Preparation:McGowen, Allison, 5–6, 23, 249 for divorce, 228–234McKenna, Kathleen, 248 as key to negotiating success, 1, 8–14“Me Perspective,” 36 (See also Research)Medalie, Susan, 21, 108–109, 172 “Principled negotiations” approach,Men (see Gender differences) 118–119Message (see specific topics) Project confidence, 2–3, 5–7Michelson, G. G., 55, 88, 93, 170 Promotion, employer negotiations,Miller, Jessica, xx, 266 191–196Miller, Lee E., xx–xxi, 265–266 Purposeful questioning, 70–77, 258Mirabella, Grace, 100, 108Mistakes in negotiating, 18–58 Questioning, purposeful, 70–77, 258 during divorce, 242 failing to accept human nature/bias, Raises, from employers, 191–196 54–58 Range of possible agreement, 11–12 failing to be your best self, 19–24 Raphael, Carol, 7, 30 failing to control emotions, 42–48 Real estate transactions, 210–224 failing to focus on the big picture, avoiding mistakes, 34–35, 40–41 32–35 buying, 210–221 failing to negotiate, 24–32 selling, 221–224 failing to say “no,” 38–42 Reflecting back, active listening, 68 failing to take risks, 48–51 Rejection, xv, 30–31 failing to use humor, 51–54 Relational negotiating style, 138–139 falling into the empathy trap, 35–38 Relationships:Multitasking, 103 collaborate skills, 104–108Mutual relationships, collaborate, create skills, 122–124, 128–130 108–109 and empathy trap, 35–38Mutually-acceptable options, 116–119 home buying, 216–218 men, right relationship with, 141–143Negotiating and negotiations: as negotiation continuum, xvii–xviii defi ned, xiv virtual negotiations, 248–251 failure to, 24–30 women, right relationship with, keys to success, 1–17 143–145 model for, xviii–xix Repeating back in question form, 73–74 skills and attitudes checklist, Research: 257–259 dealer’s cost on car, 201–202 (See also specific topics) divorce, 228–234, 238–239Negotiating range, 82 housing market, 211–215Negotiating style: and negotiating success, 8–9 gender differences, 21–23, 134–145 people, and confidence, 4 matching, 46–47 salaries, 179–181Neuharth, Al, 47–48 virtual negotiations, 251–252Newsome, Lynne, 37, 227, 235, 241 Respond to message, 97“No,” learning how to say, 38–42 Revson, Charles, 66Non-verbal communication, 65–67 Risks, failing to take, 48–51Noonan, Erin, 3, 32–33, 254 Roberts, Kathleen, xix, 4, 192–193 Roehm, Carolyn, 51Objections, anticipating, 92Open-ended questions, 71–72 Salary negotiations, 174–176, 179–184Optical illusion (young woman/crone), Salmansohn, Karen, 147 102 Sandles, Ellen, 65–67, 140Outcomes, possible, xvii, 12 Santisi, Terri, 34, 36, 144, 197–198 Screaming and yelling, 46–47, 62Passionate message, 95–96 Self-awareness, 23–24, 54–58Persuade, questions to, 75–77 Selling a home, 221–224Positional bargaining, 111 Settle, Nancy, xvi–xvii
  • 286. 264 INDEXSex, 155–157 Tone, 94–96Siegel, Janice, 132 Trade-ins, car, 206–207Significant others, 146–164 Trading, to generate options, 115 boyfriends vs. husbands, 158–164 Trump, Donald, 28 choosing wisely, 147–148 Trust, 90, 103–104 chores and responsibilities, 153–155 communicate frequently, 152–153 “U Perspective,” 36, 60, 69, 89 emotional control, 160–161 Underestimating negotiating skills, 55–56 negotiating rarely, 148–152 Ury, William, 12, 103, 111, 118 sex, 155–157 willingness to walk away, 162–164 Valoppi, Jennifer, 42–43, 128 (See also Divorce) Value, perception on, 61, 77–84Silence, 69–70 Value differences, 112–114Sincerity, 64 Values, 87–89, 148, 159Smith, Nancy Erica, 53, 89, 103, 143 Van Bortel, Kitty, 80, 101, 199–201, 203Soder, Dee, 44, 91 Velasquez, Patricia, 105Sport, negotiating as, 139–141 Virtual negotiations, 245–255Spouse (see Significant others) Visual aids, 93–94St. John, Bonnie, 110–111 Vulnerability, showing, 23–24Steinem, Gloria, 176Stone, Bonnie, 10, 31–32, 131–132 Wall, Carolyn, 23, 45Structuring your argument, 90–91 Ward, Martha, 154Stuhlmacher, Alice, 252–254 Warrick, Peter, 125–126Success, keys to negotiating, 1–17 Web sites: confidence, 1–7 car price information, 201–202 preparation, 1, 8–14 housing market, 212, 214 willingness to walk away, 1, 14–17 salary information, 179–181Summarizing, active listening, 70 “Why,” asking, 73, 114–115 Wife (see Divorce; Significant others)Taylor, Sharon, 32–33, 45, 135 Williams, Terrie, 105–107Temin, Davia, 24–25, 46–47, 178 Willingness to walk away:Theme, developing message, 86–89 home buying, 218–219Third-party employer negotiations, as key to negotiating success, 1, 14–17 186–189 from significant other, 162–1643-Cs (see Collaborate; Convince; Create) Women (see Gender differences; specificTiming: topics) divorce, 237–238 Work (see Employers) virtual negotiations, 246Tomchin, Robin, 132 Ziegler, Vikki, 130, 228, 230, 234, 242
  • 287. ABOUT THE AUTHORSLee E. Miller is the managing director of NegotiationPlus.comand the Career Columnist for the New Jersey Star Ledger, the larg-est newspaper in New Jersey. A Harvard Law School graduate, heworks with individuals and corporations training and coaching inthe areas of influencing and negotiating. He is an adjunct profes-sor at Columbia University and at Seton Hall University’s Busi-ness School, where he teaches MBA courses in influencing andnegotiating, managerial decision making, and human resourcesmanagement. Lee is also the author of UP: Influence, Power andthe U Perspective—The Art of Getting What You Want and GetMore Money on Your Next Job. . . . in Any Economy. Previously he was the senior vice president of human resourcesat TV Guide magazine, USA Networks, and Barneys New York;vice president of labor and employee relations at R. H. Macy& Co.; and a partner and cochair of the employment and laborgroup of one of the largest law firms in New Jersey. He is alsothe former chair of the International Association of Corporateand Professional Recruiters and secretary to the Union CountyMotion Picture Advisory Board. Lee is a frequent speaker on influencing, negotiating, andsales, and he has appeared on CBS’s The Early Show, ABC’sGood Morning America, Fox & Friends, NBC’s Today New York,
  • 288. CNBC’s Power Lunch, MSNBC’s Economy Watch, and NPR’sMorning Edition. He can be contacted by e-mail at Miller joined Cushman & Wakefield, Inc., as a directorin 2009 after eight years as a commercial real estate advisorwith Grubb & Ellis Company, where she was the youngest vicepresident in the Washington, D.C., region. She is currently acommercial real estate advisor in the McLean, Virginia officeof Cushman & Wakefield specializing in corporate tenant rep-resentation services and landlord representation services in theWashington, D.C., metropolitan area. Prior to entering the realestate industry, Jessica was an investment banking analyst withDeutsche Bank in Baltimore, Maryland. Jessica continues to teach negotiating skills to women’s groupswhere she provides training on “How Women Can Get What TheyWant” in every aspect of their lives. She has appeared as a gueston numerous national and regional television and radio programsincluding CBS’s The Early Show, MSNBC’s Economy Watch,CNN’s Your Money, NPR’s Morning Edition, and BloombergNews. Jessica has a master’s of science in real estate from JohnsHopkins University and is a magna cum laude graduate of Vir-ginia Tech’s Honors Program where she received a bachelor’sof science in business, with a major in finance and a minor incommunications. She can be contacted by e-mail at