Criminal Consultation by Kendra Perchant (a Goodreads Contest Entry)

by Kendra Perchant
Criminal Consultation

My job

My non-job life

How I got here

The Elements of Larceny, or,Our lovely neighbors
Taking of property
Like the mail from my mailbox
A felony crime in every state
Without consent
The reason I don’t get mail delivered at home.
With intent to steal
Like to cash the unemployment checks our roommate gets.
(I could never prove it was them.)
No force or threats necessary
Just sneaking around when we’re not home

Monday morning.

The Project

My daily work

My Dilemma

Things My Boss Says Sometimes
“You’re wearing your hair down today. It looks so much more feminine that way.”
“Sometimes I don’t know who I would be more lost without—you or my wife.”
“You’re too old to have babies now, right?”
“Be a sweetheart and pay these parking tickets for me, won’t you?”
“You should wear your glasses more often. They make you look like you’re smart.”
“You remind me of a girl I slept with in college once.”

How we got here

The Elements of Fraudulent Misrepresentation
Misrepresentation of a material fact
“These people know what they’re doing.”
Knowledge that it is false or baseless
He’s a liar, not an idiot. He knows we’re terrible.
Intent to induce someone
“Trust me, you should really give them a try.”
Causation (they actually rely on the information)
They signed up with us that week.
Justifiable reliance (their reliance was reasonable)
How were they supposed to know?
Damages (actual monetary loss)
Why upfront payment is always a terrible idea.

Why we are in trouble

The Conference Call

Fun Facts about Theft and Embezzlement
Theft is the taking of the property of another that never belongs to you.
Embezzlement is the fraudulent conversion of personal property that you have lawfully in your possession (but is not yours.)
Examples:
The pens I swipe from the supply closet
Alistair’s sandwich that I took from the communal fridge
Examples:
My boss paying for lottery tickets with petty cash
Falsifying time sheets and expense reports to keep retainers paid by clients

Jobs I have applied for recently

It would be the perfect job.
I should hear back any day…
… I should have heard back any day…
… They would still notify me if I didn’t get it, I think…
… Maybe I should call?

Tuesday
He is “with a client.”
I am not supposed to tell his wife.
It may be several hours.
My boss is having lunch downtown.
At 2:30pm, he calls the office.
“I’m going to be running late for the client meeting.”
“Scan the notes and email them to me.”
“Can you grab my notes from the top drawer?”
“And text me the address?”

My Boss’s Desk
Parking Tickets
Junk Mail
Doodles of Cactus Plants
Dirty tissues
Candy Bar Wrappers
Interoffice Memos
Past Due Utility Bills
And a letter, addressed to me.
From the legal services agency.
Dated three weeks ago.

Defenses to Most Crimes, or, Innocent Until Proven Guilty
But I know the truth.

Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress
An act by a defendant amounting to extreme and outrageous conduct;
Intent or recklessness;
Causation; and
Damages – severe emotional distress.

Reactions I Briefly Consider
crying
screaming
Trashing the office
Running home to Scott
Throwing up
Throwing things
Calling the client
Calling his wife
Calling the police
Marching down to the restaurant

I make a different decision.

Wednesday

Lanseco Company Kick-Off
Welcome!
Meet the Team
What we do
How we do it
Our path together
Braywood Consulting
For Your Future

Welcome!
We are excited to work with Lanseco to build a better foundation for tomorrow.
But not half as excited as we are about what you’ll pay.
Lanseco has a long history of providing quality products and services to a dedicated customer base.
Despite your old-fashioned technology and inability to keep profits up.
Braywood is here to make sure that the good parts of Lanseco can secure the future of the company for everyone involved.
At least as long as it takes to convince you it wasn’t our fault when you inevitably declare bankruptcy.
Braywood Consulting
For Your Future

Meet the Team
Jerry Braywood, Founder
Old fart, barely around anymore. We put him out to pasture but parade him in front of clients like you to impress them.
Nick Freemore, Partner and Executive VP
This is me, the jackass. I cheat on my wife, treat my employees like dirt, and lie through my teeth to all my clients.
Alistair McGovern, Senior Associate
I never really talk to this guy. We just hired him so we could pretend we had diversity.
Kendra Perchant, Associate
My personal slave who deserves so much better than being constantly stepped on by me.
Braywood Consulting
For Your Future

What We Do
We are not here to turn your business upside down
The fact that you retained us is proof that it’s upside down already. (You beat us to it.)
Listening to your needs is our most effective tool
But we usually settle for just convincing you that we were listening.
We bring 15 years of industry experience to ensure success from our clients’ organizations
Most of the first 14 years were spent playing golf and conducting meaningless surveys. Now we just golf.
Braywood Consulting
For Your Future

What We Do (cont.)
We bring you the complete package!
Notice how this chart doesn’t have any numbers?
And doesn’t actually mean anything?
Total lie
Braywood Consulting
For Your Future

How We Do It
Or:
Two martini lunches
Vague billing practices
Lack of any concrete metric to judge our progress
Using words you don’t understand so you don’t ask questions
Lying
Sticking around just long enough to get paid
Braywood Consulting
For Your Future

Our Path Together
Boss,
I warned you to run through this before the presentation.
I know you probably didn’t.
I don’t consider that my fault.
And just in case you haven’t figured it out yet…
This is my way of telling you:
you’re a terrible boss
you’re a terrible person
I deserve better
Braywood Consulting
For Your Future

In Conclusion
I quit.
Sincerely,
Kendra
PS. I didn’t tell your wife you were at lunch with another woman yesterday. I told her you were secretly buying her a brand new car, and you were bringing it home today. I think she’s expecting a Lexus.
You’re welcome.

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Criminal Consultation by Kendra Perchant (a Goodreads Contest Entry)

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