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Who am i that thou art so mindful of me[1]
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Who am i that thou art so mindful of me[1]


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God had me all the time. He is always with us, even when it seems like we are at our darkest point. It is when we are at this dark point that He li

God had me all the time. He is always with us, even when it seems like we are at our darkest point. It is when we are at this dark point that He li

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  • 2. SISTAS' to SISTERS' BECOMING Please listen to what I have to say; for I need you to be able to hear and to visualize the spirit of despair, that had clawed and ripped at my soul for so many dark and agonizing years of my life. I want you to feel the merciless assault that the spirits of darkness, assigned by that beastly dragon, Satan, had began to inflict upon my mind; even at the very tender, innocent, and pure age of nine years old . Gratefully, I now know that the assault that was inflicted upon my young, tender, mind and body, was designed by Satan to stop the fulfillment of dreams and of visions that God, My Father, My Savior, and My Protector, had implanted within the very being of my inner man, even before I was conceived in my mother's womb. I know this to be true, for God said even unto Jeremiah, “Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5). And now, the visions and the dreams have become so powerful within me, that I can no longer contain them. These visions and dreams steadfastly refuse to be aborted by the enemy. I feel them pounding and crying to be manifested into the physical realm of NOW. You see, I need you to be able to feel the anguish of my soul, as it screamed to break free from the prison of bondage that Satan and his demons had so skillfully designed to hold it captive; while yet the spirit within me fought (and is still fighting) to make sure that not just the dreams and visions would and will come to manifestation, but that the prophecies that have been spoken over my life shall become fruitful within their appointed times. It's imperative to me, that you know that the bars of spiritual emptiness, of emotional and of physical pain, of mental anguish, of self loathing, and of
  • 3. spiritual darkness that had threatened to devour me, were bars of demonic spirits that were specially designed to keep me from BECOMING. But please hear this, I declare unto you of God, who is LORD of Lords and KING of Kings, that I (you) can lift up my head and be of good courage, for “...old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new”(2 Corinthians 5:17}. No longer do I (you), have to be shackled to the afflictions of past experiences, that had left me torn, broken, and scarred. I am now a free and whole person, and I was made so through the cleansing and purging blood of Christ Jesus. I beseech you to please hear me with your heart, as I impart into you all that God directs me to reveal unto you; for I declare unto you, by the power of God that has been invested into me, at a price that was not cheap, that I am free from the bondage of Satan; that Satan no longer has any power over me; that I will give birth to that that the Holy Spirit has impregnated me with. And if you will hear me and grasp hold of my words, I again declare unto you, that through the amazingly, merciful, and forgiving love of God; through the powerful cleansing, saving blood of Christ; and through the magnificent, overpowering, indwelling of the blessed Holy Spirit, you also shall began BECOMING the vessels that God has called you to become. You shall BECOME whole vessels, sanctified and set aside to be used by God. I say unto you by the authority of Jesus Christ, that in the process of BECOMING, all things will not be easy. Sometimes you may have to experience humiliation, embarrassment, being scorned, and being talked about, but it is all part of the process of BECOMING. But I plead with you to stand firm in the faith, and see yourself as you weather the storms of the process, miraculously transform from “sista” (unfit for God's use) to “sister” (now fit to walk in the authority of the Most High God). You will now began BECOMING. This is my story. Feel it, and learn from it; now journey with me to the place were my inner struggles first began.
  • 4. Caught In A Web Of Inner Struggles Why must I deal with these emotions that are ripping my soul apart? Emotions caused by pain that have been inflicted so deeply Pain that seems to have taken control of my mind, my heart------ my very being Inflicted pain that is crushing the life out of a heart that was once so young, and so full of laughter and joy A heart that has now become full of sadness , disappointment, hurt, distrust, and resentment This heart of mine should have been shielded; it should have been protected, but instead it was abused and molested. It was made to feel rejected This heart of mine should have been shown by example, how to give and how to accept love But instead it was forced to submit to the lasciviousness of some old fool's nasty, lustful, desires This heart was forced to endure the slimy hands and fingers of people who should have been protecting it, people who should have been able to have been trusted This heart should have been taught to smile, but instead it was taught to be fearful, to be silent, to stop feeling; it was taught not to shed tears, but to hold it all on the inside, and not to tell anyone But somehow, even through all of these insidious lessons, latent with darts of venom, with the intention of destroying my soul I still every now and then, could feel the tremor of a chuckle trying to escape through the painful
  • 5. crack of this heart Miraculously, I still every now and then could feel a glimmer of hope attempting to emerge from the midst of the shattered,disordered mass of my heart But it did not stop there. Sometimes when I would try to escape the prison of my mind; I could sense an aura of possibility surrounding me There was this thing inside of me, this feeling that gripped me, causing me to sense that maybe everything was going to be alright There was this spirit of something that prophesied to my spirit that all of the abuse, and that all of the rejection was part of a bigger plan for my life But how could I, one so young, feel and comprehend a revelation so powerful How could I, so young, understand that there was a preordained plan for my life A plan mysteriously, and divinely designed with a hidden passageway for my escape But somehow I knew. Somehow I knew that if I could withstand the assault on my little body and on my tormented mind, that after awhile everything would be alright That after awhile the feelings of filthiness, and numbness, and worthlessness, that had swallowed me whole, would be forced to set me free I do not know how I knew this, but I just knew that it all had to stop, it had to go away I knew that when this hidden passageway-----hidden----- because I could not yet see it, would present itself to me , and would open its door to me I would know it, and I would boldly and without hesitation step through it Then and only then would I be able to look back and see that it was necessary for me to go through the struggles; it was necessary for me to endure the pain Because it was these horrid inflictions that would force me to find my way to the passageway In my little mind, I understood that once I would step on the other side of that door,
  • 6. The silent tears that I was never allowed to cry outwardly, would be wiped away from my inward parts The hatred that had begun to fill me, would be replaced with a love that surpasses all understanding I would be reborn, I would be made whole, I would regain my innocence, and once again I would be made to feel clean I could not really comprehend it all, but I would eagerly accept it For then my heart would smile with a genuine smile My heart would sing a song with such a depth of words that only God could decipher Oh, how I knew without a doubt, that when I stepped through the door of that passageway, That my mind would find the comfort of peace that it had so desperately longed for My God, how my heart did swell at the thought of being in such a place of healing But when the opportunity to be free; the opportunity to walk out of the realm of my tormented state, and into a dimension of newness and wholeness, finally presented itself to me Just as I had stepped through the entrance of that doorway, just as my soul was about to finally find the relief that it so desperately sought My ears became very sensitive and I could hear the cries of others that were experiencing what I had experienced Reluctantly, in my spirit, I turned from the doorway, I looked back, and I saw other women struggling to keep their souls from being ripped from their bodies I could hear their souls praying and crying for a way out, hoping even while trapped in the middle of hopelessness, to find the same hidden passageway Immediately I knew that I could not cleave to the solace of the magnificent, embracing arms of everlasting love that had wrapped around me,upon my entering the passageway
  • 7. I knew even as I could feel the flow of refreshing, purifying blood as it cascaded over me and through me, cleansing me thoroughly with such a gentle, but yet overpowering purification, that I could not yet put my sorted memories behind me. I could not yet forget the details of the adversity that was so unduly inflicted upon me Because the exudation of anguish that poured from the prayers and the cries that I heard, pierced my soul so deeply; it was as though their cries were seeking me, and there prayers were stalking my senses The cries were seeking someone who knew that there existed a way of escape from the pain and the hurt They were searching for someone who had experienced it, someone who could help So I knew in my heart that I could not yet rest; I could not yet forget; I needed to remember the pain I then knew the purpose of my experiences; I then understood that what was intended to destroy me, was now about to be reversed and raise me up I could clearly see that I had been molded to help others who had been caught in the web of their inner struggles, just as I had been caught, and they needed to find that doorway of freedom For I now know that Christ and His love is that doorway that leads to the mysteriously, divinely, hidden passageway of peace and rest for the soul And now I commit myself through the grace of God, and through the guidance and council of the Holy Spirit, to help others find their way out of the web of inner struggles and to the doorway of that glorious hidden passageway I am so honored that God has called me.
  • 8. Doesn't God See My Uncleanliness? Look at me with my unclean self. I had been defiled and I had believed that it was my fault. I had been stripped of my childhood innocence, and I had kept silent about it. I had told no one about what was going on. Who would even believe me anyway? After all I was an ugly, skinny, withdrawn little girl; and now here I was not only ugly in the physical sense, but my inner being had been mutilated and made ugly also. Only no one could see the inside. Nobody could see the inner scars that had almost ripped me mentally apart. They could not see the load of scandalous dirt that had been forcibly heaped upon me, burying me alive, causing my soul to feel worthless and unclean; and no matter how hard I tried I could not wash myself clean. So I continued to keep this dirty little secret to myself. Meanwhile unknown to me, my young under- developed little body and mind had join forces to protect me. Within my unconscious psyche, they begun to work together, building defense mechanisms and coping skills, so that I could, and so that I would survive the mental crash that would eventually almost send me “over the edge”; as I, a nine year old, innocent little girl was mentally and physically being picked apart, and reshaped by the gruesome effects of child molestation.
  • 9. I'm Going Under Please, is there someone there? Is there anyone around who would even care? Mommy?---- Daddy?----- Sister?---- Brother?---- Auntie? -----Cousin? Somebody?-----Anybody? Look At Me!!! Can't you even see?! Can't you see the hole where my heart used to be? Can”t you see the evil that is destroying me? Please Mommie, Don't leave me here I'm begging you Mommie, please please listen to my fear Daddy, Oh Daddy, you are my best friend Look in my eyes Daddy. Can't you see that I'm at my wit's end Sister, you are so young, too young to even understand But I promise you that I will protect you from that filthy hand Brothers, I love you all so much, Oh how I wish you could protect me from his wicked touch Aunties, how many times have I contemplated confiding in you But the thought of your no longer loving me,would be another evil I couldn't undo Cousins, What if to you, I could have explained it away Could any of you have looked at me the same, and told me that there would be no price to pay Somebody----Anybody Hear my heart's plea I'm drowning, I'm going under GOD I need YOU!---- Only YOU can rescue me!
  • 10. Help Is on the way I struggled to live a functional life---a life that could bring me some inner satisfaction. A life that would be pleasing to my mama and daddy, but God knew that I would fail miserably at this attempt. I wanted so badly to make them so proud of me. I wanted to be able to take care of them. I couldn't do it. In my condition I could only bring them more distress and burdens; and that inner satisfaction that I was so desperately seeking, unfortunately, I begun seeking in all of the wrong places. I won't really go into great details in describing the many crooked and twisted turns that my life had taken, and there were many, but what I will tell you is that when others had given up on me, had torn me apart with their words, had called me all sorts of whores, b------, sluts, had used me up and then pushed me to the side, had laughed at me, and had accused me of things that I had not even done (at least not yet), ---in the end, there was a God who saw something within me that others could not, or did not see. He saw me as I could be, and as I would be, and He took me off of that trash pile that I had been tossed on, and He began to wash me and to purge me of those labels that had been tattooed to my physical and spiritual being. He began to transform me, and I didn't even have a clue. But it wasn't easy, it has sometimes been a very painful process. Now, the journey of total transformation from “sista to sister” begins. Now I began Becoming the woman that God has purposed me to become; for you see, I believe that we all were born with a specific purpose. Unfortunately, we all do not get to fulfill those purposes, because we sometimes fail to reach out and accept certain tools of opportunities----Why?--- because we do not recognize that they are the keys that would open the doors of life for us. And sometimes, even when we do recognize an opportunity, we sometimes become fearful of embarking upon a path that is unknown and foreign, therefore we will miss out because we
  • 11. refuse to step out; or we may dread the frustrations and the hardships that come with the journey of coming into our purpose. As I said before, the journey often is not easy. Sometimes we lose our way, as we become blinded by the frustrations, and the burdens of hardships, and the pains that we suffer in this life; but I want to say to you---go through the frustrations, push your way through the hardships, and fight to overcome the pains. Go through the process of BECOMING. Make that journey towards your purpose. No, it may not be easy, but if you and I are willing to go through the process, then I believe that the Apostle Paul said it best in his message. The message is this: I come to you, not with eloquent speech or with great wisdom. Nor do I claim to know much of anything, but I come to you in my weaknesses, and my fears, and with much trembling. I come to impart into your spirit, that which has been imparted into mine: and that is that there is a wisdom, a destiny and a purpose that God has destined for our glory even before time began. It has been in it's wisdom, hidden until it's time of fulfillment. “ No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what what God has prepared for those who love him” (NIV Study BIBLE, 1Cor.2). I have transformed from a hurting little girl, who grew up hiding behind being a drunk, a whore, and a weed head, ---- to being a woman who loves God with her whole mind, heart and soul; a Minister of the Gospel, who's pulpit is anywhere where there are hurting people; and a visionary who has left her secular job with no more than a burning desire, and very little know -how of starting an outreach ministry that can help other women rise over, and break out of the labels and stigmas that other people have spoken into their lives. To God be all of the Glory as I continue to transform from “sista to sister”. How do I do that? By living by the very last words that Stella Ellsworth Sykes, my mom, spoke before she died. “....present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God.......And be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.... (Romans 12:1-2).
  • 12. This is written in Honor of my mom and dad Harry Douglas Sykes I Stella Gertrude Ellsworth Sykes 1932-1999 1935-1995 Married May 28, 1955 MIN. LISA O. SIMMONS 252-527-1736 252-286-0639