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SESSION 5-COACHING FOR
SUCCESS
Making a Heart to Heart Connection WithYour Kid
Coaching For Success
Overview
 Summary of Prior Sessions
 What is Coaching?
 The Power of Coaching
 The Coaching Process –An Overview
 Healthy Confrontation &The Coaching
Process
 ApplyingWhat We’ve Learned
Summary of Prior Sessions
 Mission Statement-What’s your bottom-line?
We’ve developed a parenting mission
statement with the following keys:
 Love/Relationship
 Freedom
 Moving from external control to self-c0ntrol
 Moving from total dependence to independence
 Choices
Summary of Prior Sessions
 Strategy Development
 Shifting from the Disrespect Factory to the Honor
Factory
Summary of Prior Sessions
 Strategy Development
 Create a space where your kid is loved & accepted
 Love Languages
 Speak to their identity & life purpose
 Use your strengths & call out your kid’s strengths
What is Coaching?
 Coaches are change experts who help individuals
take responsibility for their lives and act to
maximize their own potential.
 Coaching is
 Believing in people.
 Seeing them for who they are & helping them step into
their destiny.
 A support structure for change.
 Growth centered & focused on the future.
 Operating through influence, not authority
 Listening & asking, instead of telling
The Power of Coaching
 It’sTransforming
 Teachable moment + an authentic, growth oriented
coaching relationship = Deep, lasting change.
 Grow Faster
 We need support, encouragement & accountability to
function at our full capacity.
 Unleash People/Cut the Cord of Dependence
 Help kids to become great decision makers versus
helping them make the right decision.
 Teaching them to fish versus a fish for the day.
The Power of Coaching
 DevelopYour Kids into Leaders
 Setting goals, taking action, taking responsibility,
making choices and problem solving are
important skills to possess as a leader.
 Develop & Improve Relational Skills
 What really matters is not what you know, but
whether you can relate.
The Coaching Process
Overview
Relationship
Then
Change
Listen
Ask
Act
Support
Our goal is to move our kids
towards independence & wise
decision making. To do this,
we must stop telling them what
to do.
How do we do this?
The Coaching Process
within Confrontation
What most of our confrontations look like
The Coaching Process
within Confrontation
 HealthyConfrontation – Keys to Success
 Listen
 Ask Questions
 Act
 Define the Core Issue
 Generate Options
 Choose best solution
 Support
Keys to Healthy
Confrontation-Listen
 The goal of listening
 To create a safe place to think out loud.
 To affirm & empower people to express themselves with
confidence.
 To gain information & perspective
 Give your kids 80% of the air time.
 Turn the conversation in your head off!
 I see your problem & I’m figuring out how to solve it.
 I’m composing my reply or question while you’re talking.
 I’m focused on getting back to what I was doing.
 I’m frustrated by something you said & my emotions are
now taking over.
Keys to Healthy
Confrontation-Listen
 Tune In!
 Turn on your belief that your kids can solve their
own problems without being told what to do.
 Be present
 Undivided attention
 Confirm what you heard (“What I’m hearing is…”
and “Sounds like you are saying…”)
 Defer judgment
The Coaching Process
within Confrontation
 Healthy Confrontation – Keys to Success
 Listen
 Ask Questions
 Act
 Define the Core Issue
 Generate Options
 Choose best solution
 Support
 The Goal of Asking Questions
 Gather as much information & insight into your kids
perspective as possible
 Get your kids to start thinking through their problem
 Two types of questions
 Closed-Can be answered with “yes” or “no.”
 Open-Can be answered in whatever way you want.
 Keeps your kids in charge.
 No right or wrong answer, so they don’t get defensive.
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
–Ask Questions
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Ask Questions
Closed Open
 Did the call to your friend
go well?
 Is there something you
could do?
 Did that make you feel
hurt?
 Do you want to take action
on this option?
 Could you talk to someone
about that?
 How did the call to your
uncle go?
The Coaching Process
within Confrontation
 Healthy Confrontation – Keys to Success
 Listen
 Ask Questions
 Act
 Define the Core Issue
 Generate Options
 Choose the Best solution
 Support
 Goal-To develop concrete action steps to
implement the chosen solution.
 Keys to Acting On It
 Define the Issue
 Generate Options
 Choose the Best Solution
 Break it into action steps
 Deadline-I’ve committed to have this done by a set
date.
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Act On It
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Define the Issue
 Goal-To clearly identify the issue & who owns
the issue.
 What’s the issue? Be specific.
 Define the expectation
 Identify the gap in performance/choice
 Whose issue is it?
 Goal-To get the person who owns the problem to
identify potential solutions.
 Strategies
 Open ended questions
 What could you do?
 What have you done so far?
 What has worked in the past in similar situations?
 Give me five options.
 What would be the best possible outcome?
 Offer your ideas last
 Make multiple suggestions
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Generate Options
 Goal-To identify the best solution that meets
the needs of everyone involved & the
situation.
 Identify needs
 Questions to ask
 Which option do you want to take?
 What do you think the solution is?
 Have your kid choose the solution
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Choose the Best Option
The Coaching Process
within Confrontation
 Healthy Confrontation – Keys to Success
 Listen
 Ask Questions
 Act
 Define the Core Issue
 Generate Options
 Choose the Best solution
 Support
 Three components
 Support by Ensuring Commitment
 Encouragement
 Accountability
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Support
 Support by Ensuring Commitment
 Kid Generated Steps-People are most committed to their
own ideas.
 Verbalize the Action-”Is that a step you want to take?”
Direct questions that forces a person to make & verbalize
their decision.
 Eliminate Half-Heartedness-Don’t settle for “I could do” or
“I ought to do.” Nail it down by asking, “What will you do?”
 Quantify Commitment-”On a scale of 1-10, how certain
are you that you will get this done?” You want 8 or higher.
 Expect Accountability-As the parent, let your kid know
you will be asking about their steps
 Write it Down-Have your kids, write down or email you
their action steps.
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Support
 Encouragement
 When we consistently encourage, affirm &
celebrate our kids progress, it helps them stay
motivated
 Validating your kid’s identity is the most powerful
form of affirmation.
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Support, Encouragement &
Accountability
 Encouragement
 Encourage with GUESS
 Genuine-You mean what you say
 Unequivocal-Affirm decisively & confidently
 Energizing-Your response should match your kid’s
enthusiasm & bring the energy level up
 Specific-Tie affirmation to tangible performance
and real evidence of character
 Substantiative-Strong affirmation says something
important about who your kid is, their identity
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Support, Encouragement &
Accountability
 Accountability-Voluntarily asking to be held
responsible to live up to a chosen standard.
 Keeps our kids focused on the goal, so they won’t
forget it or rationalize it away.
 When our kids fail, it helps them quickly get back
up & try again, because we know they are down &
need encouragement.
 Accountability that is gentle, but firm, energizing
& encouraging is far more powerful than
motivating through fear, shame or guilt.
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Support, Encouragement &
Accountability
 HealthyAccountability
 Voluntary-Our kids need to initiate being held accountable.
 Positive-Really believe that your kid can change. Negative
emotions like guilt or shame are counterproductive in the
long run.
 Pre-emptive-Proactive, not reactive. It’s meant to prevent
wrong behavior, not punish it.
 Consistent-Weekly, sometimes daily, depending on the
circumstance
 Honest-No sliding by, honest authentic answers
 Specific-Effective accountability is specific & to the point
 Energizing-Our follow up should be motivating, not a
weight
Keys to Healthy Confrontation
Support, Encouragement &
Accountability
Practicing What We’ve
Learned
 Scenarios
 1 Parent, 1 Kid & 1 Observer
Practicing What We’ve
Learned
 What worked?
 What didn’t work?
 What did you learn?
 What are you going to do differently?
Coaching for Success
 Keys to Success
 Listen
 Ask Questions
 Act
 Define the Problem
 Generate Options
 Choose best solution
 Support

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Making a Heart to Heart Connection with Your Kid Session 5 Coaching for Success

  • 1. SESSION 5-COACHING FOR SUCCESS Making a Heart to Heart Connection WithYour Kid
  • 2. Coaching For Success Overview  Summary of Prior Sessions  What is Coaching?  The Power of Coaching  The Coaching Process –An Overview  Healthy Confrontation &The Coaching Process  ApplyingWhat We’ve Learned
  • 3. Summary of Prior Sessions  Mission Statement-What’s your bottom-line? We’ve developed a parenting mission statement with the following keys:  Love/Relationship  Freedom  Moving from external control to self-c0ntrol  Moving from total dependence to independence  Choices
  • 4. Summary of Prior Sessions  Strategy Development  Shifting from the Disrespect Factory to the Honor Factory
  • 5. Summary of Prior Sessions  Strategy Development  Create a space where your kid is loved & accepted  Love Languages  Speak to their identity & life purpose  Use your strengths & call out your kid’s strengths
  • 6. What is Coaching?  Coaches are change experts who help individuals take responsibility for their lives and act to maximize their own potential.  Coaching is  Believing in people.  Seeing them for who they are & helping them step into their destiny.  A support structure for change.  Growth centered & focused on the future.  Operating through influence, not authority  Listening & asking, instead of telling
  • 7. The Power of Coaching  It’sTransforming  Teachable moment + an authentic, growth oriented coaching relationship = Deep, lasting change.  Grow Faster  We need support, encouragement & accountability to function at our full capacity.  Unleash People/Cut the Cord of Dependence  Help kids to become great decision makers versus helping them make the right decision.  Teaching them to fish versus a fish for the day.
  • 8. The Power of Coaching  DevelopYour Kids into Leaders  Setting goals, taking action, taking responsibility, making choices and problem solving are important skills to possess as a leader.  Develop & Improve Relational Skills  What really matters is not what you know, but whether you can relate.
  • 9. The Coaching Process Overview Relationship Then Change Listen Ask Act Support Our goal is to move our kids towards independence & wise decision making. To do this, we must stop telling them what to do. How do we do this?
  • 10. The Coaching Process within Confrontation What most of our confrontations look like
  • 11. The Coaching Process within Confrontation  HealthyConfrontation – Keys to Success  Listen  Ask Questions  Act  Define the Core Issue  Generate Options  Choose best solution  Support
  • 12. Keys to Healthy Confrontation-Listen  The goal of listening  To create a safe place to think out loud.  To affirm & empower people to express themselves with confidence.  To gain information & perspective  Give your kids 80% of the air time.  Turn the conversation in your head off!  I see your problem & I’m figuring out how to solve it.  I’m composing my reply or question while you’re talking.  I’m focused on getting back to what I was doing.  I’m frustrated by something you said & my emotions are now taking over.
  • 13. Keys to Healthy Confrontation-Listen  Tune In!  Turn on your belief that your kids can solve their own problems without being told what to do.  Be present  Undivided attention  Confirm what you heard (“What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…”)  Defer judgment
  • 14. The Coaching Process within Confrontation  Healthy Confrontation – Keys to Success  Listen  Ask Questions  Act  Define the Core Issue  Generate Options  Choose best solution  Support
  • 15.  The Goal of Asking Questions  Gather as much information & insight into your kids perspective as possible  Get your kids to start thinking through their problem  Two types of questions  Closed-Can be answered with “yes” or “no.”  Open-Can be answered in whatever way you want.  Keeps your kids in charge.  No right or wrong answer, so they don’t get defensive. Keys to Healthy Confrontation –Ask Questions
  • 16. Keys to Healthy Confrontation Ask Questions Closed Open  Did the call to your friend go well?  Is there something you could do?  Did that make you feel hurt?  Do you want to take action on this option?  Could you talk to someone about that?  How did the call to your uncle go?
  • 17. The Coaching Process within Confrontation  Healthy Confrontation – Keys to Success  Listen  Ask Questions  Act  Define the Core Issue  Generate Options  Choose the Best solution  Support
  • 18.  Goal-To develop concrete action steps to implement the chosen solution.  Keys to Acting On It  Define the Issue  Generate Options  Choose the Best Solution  Break it into action steps  Deadline-I’ve committed to have this done by a set date. Keys to Healthy Confrontation Act On It
  • 19. Keys to Healthy Confrontation Define the Issue  Goal-To clearly identify the issue & who owns the issue.  What’s the issue? Be specific.  Define the expectation  Identify the gap in performance/choice  Whose issue is it?
  • 20.  Goal-To get the person who owns the problem to identify potential solutions.  Strategies  Open ended questions  What could you do?  What have you done so far?  What has worked in the past in similar situations?  Give me five options.  What would be the best possible outcome?  Offer your ideas last  Make multiple suggestions Keys to Healthy Confrontation Generate Options
  • 21.  Goal-To identify the best solution that meets the needs of everyone involved & the situation.  Identify needs  Questions to ask  Which option do you want to take?  What do you think the solution is?  Have your kid choose the solution Keys to Healthy Confrontation Choose the Best Option
  • 22. The Coaching Process within Confrontation  Healthy Confrontation – Keys to Success  Listen  Ask Questions  Act  Define the Core Issue  Generate Options  Choose the Best solution  Support
  • 23.  Three components  Support by Ensuring Commitment  Encouragement  Accountability Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support
  • 24.  Support by Ensuring Commitment  Kid Generated Steps-People are most committed to their own ideas.  Verbalize the Action-”Is that a step you want to take?” Direct questions that forces a person to make & verbalize their decision.  Eliminate Half-Heartedness-Don’t settle for “I could do” or “I ought to do.” Nail it down by asking, “What will you do?”  Quantify Commitment-”On a scale of 1-10, how certain are you that you will get this done?” You want 8 or higher.  Expect Accountability-As the parent, let your kid know you will be asking about their steps  Write it Down-Have your kids, write down or email you their action steps. Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support
  • 25.  Encouragement  When we consistently encourage, affirm & celebrate our kids progress, it helps them stay motivated  Validating your kid’s identity is the most powerful form of affirmation. Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support, Encouragement & Accountability
  • 26.  Encouragement  Encourage with GUESS  Genuine-You mean what you say  Unequivocal-Affirm decisively & confidently  Energizing-Your response should match your kid’s enthusiasm & bring the energy level up  Specific-Tie affirmation to tangible performance and real evidence of character  Substantiative-Strong affirmation says something important about who your kid is, their identity Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support, Encouragement & Accountability
  • 27.  Accountability-Voluntarily asking to be held responsible to live up to a chosen standard.  Keeps our kids focused on the goal, so they won’t forget it or rationalize it away.  When our kids fail, it helps them quickly get back up & try again, because we know they are down & need encouragement.  Accountability that is gentle, but firm, energizing & encouraging is far more powerful than motivating through fear, shame or guilt. Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support, Encouragement & Accountability
  • 28.  HealthyAccountability  Voluntary-Our kids need to initiate being held accountable.  Positive-Really believe that your kid can change. Negative emotions like guilt or shame are counterproductive in the long run.  Pre-emptive-Proactive, not reactive. It’s meant to prevent wrong behavior, not punish it.  Consistent-Weekly, sometimes daily, depending on the circumstance  Honest-No sliding by, honest authentic answers  Specific-Effective accountability is specific & to the point  Energizing-Our follow up should be motivating, not a weight Keys to Healthy Confrontation Support, Encouragement & Accountability
  • 29. Practicing What We’ve Learned  Scenarios  1 Parent, 1 Kid & 1 Observer
  • 30. Practicing What We’ve Learned  What worked?  What didn’t work?  What did you learn?  What are you going to do differently?
  • 31. Coaching for Success  Keys to Success  Listen  Ask Questions  Act  Define the Problem  Generate Options  Choose best solution  Support

Editor's Notes

  1. Relationship First, Then ChangeCan you give your kids the gifts of Unconditional love & acceptance based on who they are, not what they’ve done?Unconditional belief in their destiny? Heart Change not Superficial ChangeWhen people are truly known & fully believed in, we empower them to change from the inside out, because they want to, instead of trying to adjust to be accepted.Free Will-Freedom to chooseHonor uniquenessListen & AskListening & asking powerful questions push our kids to Explore themselves more deeplyDiscover new insights into who they areCommit decisively to action while retaining responsibility for the outcome.ActOnce a goal has been set, we help our kids develop concrete action steps to get it done through problem solving.Generate optionsChoose the best solutionDevelop strategies to implement it.SupportAs parents, we provide the on-going support needed to give our kids the best possible chance to succeed.Consistent AccountabilityCelebrate ProgressAffirm our kids’ abilitiesPick them up, dust them off & try again when things don’t work.