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Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
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Recently i was told of a story by a friend

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  • 1. THE FARM BOOK I By © Namaz Surad Who once used to Farm Persimmon New Sago Multi-Purpose Grain
  • 2. BOOK I A saga – A Farm The Main Personalities 1. The New Representative - Ozlon the Obese 2. The New Farmer - Sage the Holy 3. The Previous Farmer - TQ-Am-ill 4. The Realm of Hangers - Fay-Rid the Man; Ewe the Nose 5. The Realm of Compost and Dung - Tsar-Day the Tan 6. The Realm of Jumble and Rumble - Sucker the Sap 7. The Realm of Communal Conjectures - Pallid the Grey; Maize the Roo 8. The Realm of Wizard and Magicians - Dr. Sammy Davis the Third 9. The Realm of Decree and Diktat - My-Shell the Crab 10. The Realm of Minion Resource - Zee the Glam; Hedge the Gee, Has-Not Been 11. The Realm of Wangle an Finagle - Wing the Tai –Chi 12. The Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker - Fay-Rid the Dough 13. The Realm of Concoction and Conception - Ahab the Clad 14. The Realm of Exotic Exchange - The Man from Abroad 15. The Realm of Attribute Exertion - The Man from Abroad 16. The Realm of the Scanner - Not-High Tooth 17. The Realm of the Mole - Jam-Ail 18. The Realm of the Cipher - Micro-Change 19. The Realm of Farming - Namaz-Lu-Ramak
  • 3. PART I The Farm
  • 4. PART I The Farm The Farm was quite substantial in size and was in two localities separated by other farms. In fact, the Farm had acquired substantial holdings in a farm whose residents were substantially different and whose location was tremendously far and require many days and months of traveling. The Farm had also decided to collaborate with other farms through the provision of its propriety farming know-how including plants and vegetables. The Farm was “owned” by the Locality (a bunch of old f*r*s) as well as other apparently gullible localities and sub-localities. Apparently the previous Farmer who was appointed by the Locality (a bunch of old twiddlers) was reported to have overstepped his limit and was removed, but in reality, the New Representative (also a bigger twiddler) felt threatened by the Farmer. The New Representative was deemed to be extremely qualified because he was the Farming Co-Operative Chief Regulator and had never once in his life actually farmed any fields nor developed any new plants or vegetables. Anyway, a New Farmer was duly appointed by the Locality and with the express agreement of the New Representative. Apparently this New Farmer was deemed to be very successful and very skilled although the farm that he was working at had other similar Farmers who were really skilled in farming and had actually done the actual farming - planting, seeding, weeding and fertilizing including harvesting and selling whilst this particular Farmer had given the impression that He was the One who had thought real hard and had farmed what he really had thought while all along what he actually did was to shout to all others what he thought he was doing and at the farm he was merely acting as a farmer. So, the New Representative (happily twiddling along) had decided to get this New Farmer on board and had overlooked existing Senior Assistant Farmers who were more qualified than this New Farmer. The first thing that this New Farmer had done was to bring to the Farm his Assistant Farmers who were deemed to be experts and full of farming experience, into various areas, but more so in certain areas that would impact upon the Farm's Expenses such as procurement of fertilizers, implements and machinery; development of plants, vegetables and produce; marketing and sales of plants, vegetables and produce; managing farm-hands as well as the farm's modern system. What had happened was that the Farm's existing Senior and Junior Assistant Farmers who had been with the Farm since the Farm's inception was actually sidelined because they were deemed to be incapable of assimilating the new methodologies of farming by the New Farmer as well as the New Representative. However, after months of farming at The Farm, many of the New Assistant Farmers had left. Some was caught because of improprieties such as using the Farm’s Credit Facilities for personal business and had to leave. Others for allowing friends and partners to supply fertilizers and implements without undergoing the proper procedures and was asked to leave or action
  • 5. would be taken upon them. Still others left after realizing that they were not cut out to become farmers. Many more left because of misrepresenting themselves as farmers whilst they are actually farmhands and had realized that others also realized that they were actually farmhands and were not adept at being farmers. The New Farmer had made representations to the New Representative of the Locality that he could not manage the Farm not because the New Assistant and Junior Farmers could not meet the grade, but, because the existing Senior Assistant Farmers did not give him and his expert New Assistant and Junior Farmers the cooperation required and had also not given the New Assistant and Junior Farmers the help that they require to assimilate into The Farm. In other words the existing Senior Assistant Farmers were not capable of managing not only the existing Junior Farmers but also the New Junior Farmers, and, the existing Senior Assistant Farmers were also deemed as non-team player since they did not manage to give the impression that the New Assistant Farmers were farmers of high caliber and full of wisdom. As such, the New Assistant Farmers farming performance were affected. They had no choice but to resort to those “improprieties” just to execute their farming management and skills. They cannot be blamed! It was not their fault. It was the fault of those 4 Senior Assistant Farmers. They still have the grass root support of the farmhands and Junior Assistant Farmers and had therefore meddled with the New Farmer’s superior ways of farming and managing. The New Farmer had therefore made a bold promise and proposal. The New Farmer committed to the New Representative and the Locality (manned by a bunch of old timers whose best decision was to agree with the New Representative) that he can deliver superior plants, vegetables and produce without the services of the Senior Assistant Farmers. And so it came that the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers were asked to leave at the behest of the New Farmer but portrayed as though they could not be part of the Team of Highly-Skilled and Technological Farmers and had therefore left on their own accord. After the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers left, the Farm’s conditions still did not improve. But, the New Farmer had the knack of being able to convince the Locality (a bunch of ripe bananas) and the New Representative (even a bigger banana) that the Farm’s performance had improved whilst in actual fact it did not. Ironically, before their departure, the Senior Assistant Farmers had actually developed multiple new and variants of plants, fruits and vegetables such as the new sago which was cheap and nutritious, new persimmon which was nutritious and full of vitamins, new multi- purpose grains that would be wholesome and healthy including other vegetables and produces. The Senior Assistant Farmers who had developed, planted, produced and were about to sell these new plants were ungraciously removed (as narrated above) but to all the farmhands and junior farmers, there were portrayed as not being able to make the cut and had thus chosen to leave. Still, The Farm had not improved even after the Senior Assistant Farmers had left. Who was impeding the New Farmer? Who was not part of the Team? What did the New Farmer do?
  • 6. The New Farmer had actually convinced the Locality (a bunch of ripened tomatoes) that now the New Representative (even a bigger ripened tomato) was impeding him in a major way, big time! He had given the impression that he could not be blamed for all the shortcomings but instead the Locality must apportion the blame to the New Representative. Why? Well, as the New Representative had given the assurance and impression that he knew all about farming (which the New Farmer also insisted that he also know all about farming) then the blame should be shouldered by the New Representative. The New Farmer insisted that with another Representative, he would be able to do better. The Locality (a bunch of squashed grapes) by its own virtue had consented to the New Farmer’s demand and as in the case of the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers; the New Representative (now a really squashed big grape!) was also removed. The Other Representative also claimed that he knew all about farming and much more besides whilst in actual fact he was very close to the Locality’s better half and had utilized the better half to recommend him as the Best Representative cum Farmer around. So, the Best Representative cum Farmer took on the job of supervising the New Farmer and The Farm. And what did he do? Of course similar to the previous New Representative, the Representative cum Farmer literally gave some choice jobs to his friends too. Has anything changed? Not much though. Meanwhile, the New Farmer was bestowed with all sorts of Honors and Awards thus reinforcing the impression that he is the best farmer in the locality. And, to strengthen all this, the New Farmer had made homage to the Holy Farm and giving the impression that besides being a well-skilled farmer, he is also a most holy farmer, one without failures, constraints and shortcomings. If there were failures at the Farm, it’s not because of him; it was because the other junior farmers particularly the remnants who could not execute his brilliant farming methods and ideas. If there issues, it’s not because of him and the new junior and new assistant farmers, it was due to those farmers that he had inherited. In other words, to quote his favorite phrase, it was a matter of legacy, legacy issues etc. Real holy man does not broadcast that they are holy; rather, it would be the people surrounding him who would say that whether one is holy or otherwise. Anyway, the New Farmer was known previously at the previous farm and other farms before that as one who favors the fruits of nightlife and enjoyment. In fact, he was once caught by his better half for having relations, and had apparently repented and promised his better half that he would turn over a new leaf hence the portrayal of being a holy farmer. He did indeed turn a new leaf over! As the saying goes, “A dog even if it does not consume s*h*t, will nevertheless smell it”. And this was what happened to the New Farmer. But this is another story altogether.
  • 7. PART II The Ballad of The Reformation PART II The Ballad of the Reformation
  • 8. After the previous Farmer was sacked by the Locality (a bunch of brown nosers) and the New Representative (who had the biggest brown nose), somehow the farming community was affected by a blight. Some called it The Blight of the Lard and all farms were affected, big and small; near and far. The New Representative who had brought along the New Farmer was in a quandary. What to do … what to do … what to do? The New Representative had ordered the New Farmer to develop farming strategies to counter the Blight of the Lard otherwise both of them might not last long in the Farm. Instead of allowing the New Farmer to institute the farm’s machinery to implement its strategic planning process, true to form (as the New Representative had professed that he knew all about farming to all and sundry), he had instead employed Farm and Farming Experts to execute what the New Representative had called Farm Reformation. And so the Farm and Farming Expert went all around the farm and talked to all. Actually they did not talk to anyone at all. The Farm and Farming Expert had gotten hold of a previously developed document outlining the possible farm and farming transformations by the dismissed 4 Senior Assistant Farmers (portrayed as not making the cut). Thanks to them the work of the Farm and Farm Expert was cut short. As usual, the Farm and Farming Experts were blessed with the gift of the gab. Combined with the power of the digital, the Farm Reformation Document was completed. It was an amazing document, full of spreadsheet and data. The graphics were beautiful with the latest technicolor and full of glitz. Thus the New Representative laid claim to the Farm Reformation Document and had waylaid the New Farmer who had lost the initial war as he could not muster the might to employ the Farm and Farming Experts that had cost the farm close to 5 million sacks of rice and a few sacks of tapioca. And so that was how the famed Farm Reformation Document was developed. Unfortunately, the 4 Senior Assistant Directors could not lay claim since they were not paid and hence there was no evidence that they had developed the initial idea of the Transformation. The Farm Reformation was ceremoniously paraded to the Locality (a bunch of fermented rice and tapioca). The Locality had lapped what was paraded and presented to them and was full of glee and had praised the New Representative to no end … what genius, what priceless art … what brown nosers we are! Even the New Farmer had also praised and was full of awe of the Farm Reformation Document. In fact, the New Farmer had laid-out a Road Tour to parade and to present the Farm Reformation Document which by now already inlaid with gold and gilt including sapphires and diamonds and therefore becoming more priceless by the day (not because of the content but because of the cover and inlays). All the farm’s employees were awestricken by the cover and the gold and the diamonds. By the end of the road tour, a survey had been carried-out to gauge the reaction of the farm’s employees. The survey unsurprisingly said all were amazed at the
  • 9. beauty of the document but were not terribly sure about the contents. Some had said the document were akin to a fairy tale, some were very sure that it was a novel, whilst some others did not care since the document was so beautiful. Anyway, the New Farmer reported to the New Representative that all employees were awed and amazed by the document! Again, the New Representative patted himself on the back for a job well done. But … the Farm Reformation Document did not tell how the transformation could be carried out! The New Representative and New Farmer were at a quandary. How to execute … how to execute … how to execute? Ha! Why don’t we “execute” the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers instead as it was them who had put the seed of thoughts inside the document? And so it was, the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers were “executed”. The Farm Transformation Document anyhow would require transformation as the execution strategy was not complete. The New Representative could not by now request the Locality (a bunch of local’s yokels) for additional sacks of rice and tapioca to extend the services of the Farm and Farming Experts as by now the kitty must be preserved as it was running low very fast. Thus, the New Farmer by a stroke of genius and holy awareness suggested, rather, shove down the throat of the New Representative that setting up a Reformation Field would be able to formulate the necessary initiatives and programs to be able to realize the virtues of the Transformation Document. It was suggested that a Wizard and Magician known in the region as Doctor Philosopher Sammy Davis the Third who was famous for making a mountain out of a molehill, a river out of a stream, an ocean out of a pond, a mansion out of a room, and a book out of a sentence. And so the Wizard and Magician who is also a doctor and philosopher, was at the farm. And the first thing he did was to call all the farm employees and to give his now famous address … whilst he can transform a sentence into a book, at that occasion, perhaps let down by his Djins and Cherubs, his intended verbosity became a squeak. Henceforth, he was known as the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician. Apparently the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician had many acquaintances at the farm. He was very skilled at the art of Flog an ancient game of wizardry and magic which requires one to maneuver a miniscule enchanted grizzly orb into an equally enchanted and miniscule aperture with various enchanted and magical staff. Many days and months were spent by the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician playing the ancient game of Flog and since he wanted to have a sense of superiority, had on many occasions invited some of the farm’s junior assistant farmers to partake in the flog too. Well, as expected, the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician triumphed over all and he savored that feeling of superiority endlessly. And so, this feeling of Flog superiority was carried-over to the farm too by the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician! He had forgotten that the world of farms and farming is totally different
  • 10. than the world of wizardry and Flog!!! Inadvertently, he had alienated those acquaintances that he had nurtured and triumphed from the game of Flog. Thus, to circumvent this unexpected situation, he had convinced the New Farmer to agree to give him the mandate and authority to employ junior wizards and junior magicians and missed the point that he should employ junior and associate farmers instead. Lo and behold! Even with his magic and wizardry he could not transform the Reformation since his junior wizards and junior magicians had been putting spells and chants rather than to till the farm. No wonder he could not transform the Reformation. And so the Wizard and Magician and his entourage was banished and was never again heard in the Locality. Did the Reformation Document able to be transformed? That would be deliberated later.
  • 11. PART III The Ballad of The Hangers
  • 12. Part III The Ballad of the Hangers The transformation of the Reformation was the key to the Farm. The New Representative (who had done no farming at all), the New Farmer (who had asked others to farm), the Farm and Farming Experts (who gave the impression that they had farmed) and the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician (who thought he could use magic and wizardry to farm) all had staked their reputations and life on the Reformation Document. By this time, the Reformation Document was further embellished. More colors were added from technicolor to multicolor. More inlays were added from one lay to many lays. More diamonds were added from diamonds to triamonds and sometimes quadmonds. Even the covers were not spared. All the colors, lays and monds were also applied to the cover. By the end the cover could not be distinguished from the very popular periodical Yoby-Alp which was known to be glitzy and full of blings. Did the Reformation Document able to be transformed? Indeed it was transformed! And many are now more concerned about how the colors, lays and monds than what lay between the covers. So, some had suggested that the contents to be also colored, layed and monded too. So, the New Farmer, who by this time was saddled with the Reformation Document since the New Representative had conveniently disowned the Document and had transferred the ownership to the New Farmer, had formed an outfit called the Hangers to further transform the Reformation Document. The Hangers had in a magical stroke transformed the Reformation Document by hanging it upside down and transformed it into Document Reformation. Thus that was how the supposedly Reformation Document being transformed into Document Reformation and no effort and resource was spared to ensure that the Document was being reformed. By this time, the Junior Assistant Farmers, Assistant Farmers, Associate Farmers and Farmhands were much too busy farming and had left the transformation activities to the New Senior Assistant Farmers. They had to make certain that the farm continued being farmed and the plants, vegetables and produce sold to generate income to support all the farm employees. In any case the Hangers were not interested in all these farmers since they are hangers and hangers do not mix with farmers. Hangers by nature hang all the time. It is by default therefore that what they do would hang. Their processors hanged in all instances and thus they could not come out with the Reformation Document and thus transformed it into Document Reformation instead. Their workstations hanged all the time since they had hanged elsewhere instead. Their psyches hanged all the time too as they purposely hanged them as the essence of being cool that is let the farmers utilize theirs instead. Their demeanors were the epitome of coolness. They always look cool. All the farmers and farmhands had their garb of consistent affirmation whilst they had their cool and nonchalant outfit. One can really spot a Hanger by the demeanor and outfit which were nothing like what the farmers and farmhand had. If one were not careful, one might in fact be mistaken that the Hanger could be either the New Farmer or the New Representative (except
  • 13. that the New Representative was truly inflated and most probably could not be a Hanger as he would not be able to hang as elegantly as the Hangers!). The Hangers were adept at hanging anywhere, everywhere and all the time. They could hang hours on hand with extreme elegance and with nonchalance. In fact they had transformed hanging into an art. They could hang effortlessly and with the grace of an acrobat. In fact they had over the period transformed themselves into Acrobatic Hangers. And, just like Adobe Acrobat© they could transform themselves as anybody something akin to shape-shifters. One day they may be Hangers. On another day they may be Wizards. Still another day they may Magicians. They might even be able to imitate Expert Farmers. But what they could not transform to were basic farmers because being basic farmers is difficult. Basic farmers must do basic farming first and foremost and only after many years of being basic farmers can they become farmers of caliber and skilled with all the experiences and tribulations behind them. Even with all these, the skilled farmers may still require other implements such as rapiers and mallets besides shovels and spades to execute their farming know-how to the fullest and knowing how to manipulate and utilize these implements require additional effort and time. But the Hangers have neither the inclination nor patience of being basic farmers. They viewed that being basic farmers were beneath them. People who were members of the exclusive club of professional Shape Shifters or Oxbridge cannot be basic farmers. Intellectually they are of a different level. Talking about farms and farming is not complex enough for their well-tune mind and intellect. They much rather converse and indulge in simulations, postulations, hypotheses, conjectures, conceptions, sensitivities of farms and farming rather than the real act of making a farm do farming. Thus the Hangers leeched on to the New Farmer and the New Representative as though they were of the same mould and species. Perhaps they were because the New Farmer thought he was a Shape Shifter and the New Representative thought he was from Oxbridge (he may sound like he was from Oxbridge but his mould exposed him that he was from Penangbridge). Now the Hangers have the Farm and the Resources contained within at their disposal to do their bidding. So they had unequivocally instructed the minion farmers to do their bidding and to be at their disposal in whatever circumstances. In fact they had behaved as though they were the New Farmer and one Hanger was so skillful at shape shifting that sometimes the minion farmers oftentimes mistook him as the New Representative and had inadvertently did his bidding without much further thought as they were too fearful and much troubled at the sight of the New Representative as his wobbling was very much intimidating. The more he wobbled the more anguish he would convey. Nobody could stand it as the anguish is akin to a tooth-ache … numbing sensation all the time and excruciating pain throughout. What choice did the minion farmers had than just to abide what was demanded? Whenever and wherever the New Farmer went, the Hangers would be there. They would be at the foreground with what they thought was grace and poise and with their glitzy outfit they became the backdrop of any occasion that the New Farmer had thought of.
  • 14. On one occasion, the New Farmer wanted to execute a Farm Appraisal and in this particular case a mill. So the minion farmers were there and demonstrated how to scrub abd scour the mill’s implements and utensils which was particularly grubby and mucky exercise. The New Farmer with his gravelly voice had intoned that the work being demonstrated were not good enough and had disparaged and censured the minion farmers. At the previous farm where the New Farmer was before, he claimed that the mill was like a mirror that he could see his face every day. He was disappointed that he could not see his face at this mill. The Hangers with glee were recording the remonstrations and reprimands and flashes were everywhere as numerous cameras were snapping away at these minion farmers who were stunned and frozen with disgrace and humiliation at this public censure. The Junior Wizards and Magicians were still around and had joined in this merriment. They were twirling their wands and were conjuring minor lightning to supplement the cameras flash units. Merrily after such appraisals, there would be numerous and duplicate report, assessments and narrations from The many Hangers, Junior Wizards and Magicians to the same minion farmers all demanding immediate actions, countermeasures, simulations, postulations, hypotheses, conjectures, conceptions, sensitivities and follow-up summits so that the Hangers and their band of Wizards and Magicians would be able to outdo each other in pointing out the shortcomings, limitations, deficiencies and failures of the minion farmers. Thereafter they would present their version of the same thing but because of their Oxbridge lineage, the New Farmer had accepted the Hangers’ version instead. These would continue on and on and on and on until one day ….
  • 15. PART IV The Farmers Action Response Team FART
  • 16. Part IV Farmers Action Response Team - FART As is usual with a farm of this size, by the sheer number of employees and farmers as well as the sheer size of the farm, the Farmers Action Response Team or FART would congregate on a weekly basis to review the Farm’s operations and to strategize on how to improve the Farm’s performance. Now, only Farmers who have met the specific hierarchical standings and requirements would qualify to be members of FART. In actual fact, the Members of FART could only be appointed by the New Representative and the members of FART should actually be representing the Farm’s main activities such as the Realm Minion Resource, the Realm of Compost and Dung, the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker, the Realm of Decree and Diktat, the Realm of Wizard and Magician, the Realm of Wangle and Finagle, the Realm of Communal Conjectures, the Realm of Concoction and Conception, the Realm of Jumble and Rummage, The Realm of Hangers and of course the Realm of Farming. The FART was managed by the troupe of Buffoons. The Head of the Buffoons would circulate to all the Realms of the impending FART and would inscribe in his pompous words and script the agenda which inexorably be dictated by the New Farmer. More often than not the agenda would for all intent and purpose to deliberate issues that the New Representative had enquired from the New Farmer. Inevitably the FART would meet at the appointed hour. And the day before the appointed hour the Head of the Buffoon would twiddle his instructions in his Blackberry© and shoot them off to all the Heads of the Realms. The Chief Buffoon would take the liberty to spice-up the instructions with his own interpretations of the agenda and would request at the last minute his own requirements which in most instances the Heads of the Realms could not respond to and some of them chose to ignore completely. However, the Head of Farming would not ignore such late instructions because by training, he would endeavor to complete all tasks within the stipulated framework. Because of this, the Chief Buffoon, sometimes for his own amusement would at the possible last moment notify the Head of Farming that FART would require various permutations and details of farming. Now, at the meeting the Head of Farming was ready with his reports and information but until the end nobody in FART actually required the reports or information. Of course, the Head Buffoon pretended that the New Farmer was indisposed to deliberate such items. This continued on and on. The Head of Farming also continued to amuse the Head Buffoon by complying since all of the requests were really at the Head of Farming fingertips. At the FART’s meeting all sorts of items were discussed and deliberated. The most popular item being what would the New Representative bring to the BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees’ Dialogues) Meeting with the Locality. This BORED Meeting would be scheduled by the Head Buffoon too. Being a Buffoon, he could not resist scamming the heads of the Realms in particular the Head of the Minion Resource. And so, at every FART Meeting the Head Buffoon and the Head of Minion Resource would trade words and idioms and ramblings. The Head Buffon thought that he was a member of FART which in actual fact he was not. He was
  • 17. there only because as a Buffoon he was to act as a glorified court jester mainly to jot down all the yarns, gags, fictions, legends and gossips at the FART Meeting. The Head Buffoon did not actually do this instead, to glorify his position (as he was not a full member of FART) Apparently the Head Buffoon and the New Representative used to be employed by the Farming Co-Operative Regulatory Federation. Hence, oftentimes at the FART Meeting, the Head Buffoon sometimes acted as though he was the New Representative. In actual fact the Head Buffoon was one of the species of Hangers who had become very much adept at being a shape-shifter. So, whenever the opportunity arose, the Head Buffoon would pose as the New Representative. But because he did this so often, none of the Heads of Realms would put any notice any more. The FART Meeting was usually very lively as nothing strategic or futuristic was deliberated. Food and drinks was bountiful and as the FART Meeting usually was very long, lunch was always provided. As the FART Meeting progresses all the Heads of the Realms were munching away the food and slurping up the drinks except the Head of Farming because by nature he insist himself to follow whatever was being discussed (gossiped) and deliberated (chattered). And so they talked about the length of the farmhands’ vests. They talked about the color of the farmhands’ vests. They talked about how some the farmhands who had paraded the vests were quite gorgeous and stunning and maybe they should also parade for the FART the proposed Heads of Realms’ coat. They talked about how the New Farmer’s plan to visit the Farm. The Head of the Hanger was in his element is proposing the program and what the farm minions should do to pay homage to the New Farmer since the Farm, according to the Hanger Head, had improved with the advent of the New Farmer’s address when he first came to the Farm. The Minion Resource Head retorted that the minions were in awe at the New Farmer’s verbose speech and intellectual understanding of the Farm and his superlative plans for future improvements. The Head of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker talked and proposed about her proposed media program and how the New Farmer should be portrayed. Majority of the Realm Heads were in agreement that the New Farmer should be in all the media whether in print or broadcast as he was the savior of the Farm. Without him, the Farm would not survive let alone prosper. At this juncture, the Buffoon Head would interject that the New Representative should also be given similar if not more exposure than the New Farmer. Thinking and viewing ahead of the BORED Meeting, the New Farmer decided that the exposure for the New Representative should be more than him and at this the Buffoon Head flashed a smile. The Head Wizard and Magician meanwhile were casting spells and charms before he utters his words (remember that he was the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician). As he was about to utter his words, a mouse ran all over the floor and he could not control himself and squeaked, and squeaked and squeaked and pipped and pipped and pipped until the FART Meeting adjourned.
  • 18. Since the Head Wizard and Magician had squeaked and pipped, the Head of Composts and Dung took opportunity of the bewilderment to put in his two cents worth, the Farm’s program of how to consolidate all the composts and dungs so that they could become more aromatic and pungent and would give the Farm the necessary aroma that the Head Compost and Dung had believed was missing. The New Farmer decreed that indeed this was noble proposition and had instructed the Head of Concoction and Conception to do a trial at one of the smaller fields and requested the Head of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker to prepare a media blitz on this program. The Head of Communal Conjectures and Wangle and Finagle were asked to provide the strategic direction and budgetary plan for this proposal whilst the Head of Decree and Diktat was asked if she could explore the possibility of patenting this program. The Jumble and Rummage Heads were not particularly interested in the proceedings as his proceeds from the jumble and rummage was more than adequate since the Farm’s produce were selling by itself. In all of these none of the Heads had taken the initiative to solicit the opinion of the Farming Head as to whether the aroma is very pertinent to the farming in general, or, whether the current composts and dungs were performing as what they had committed. And in reality, to implore whether some of the composts needed to be changed and most of the dungs needed to be revamped and constituted, or alternative dungs should be pursued even. And so the FART Meetings continued as though the world was revolving around them and the rest of the world was waiting for them. The Buffoon Head continued to buffoon, the Minion resource Head continued to minion, the Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker Head continued to tittle-tattle and nose around, the Compost and Dung Head continued to compost and spread dung, the Communal Conjecture Head continued to conjecture communally, the Wizard and Magician Head continued to cast spells but ended up pipsqueaking, the Concoction and Conception Head continued to concoct and concept, the Jumble and Rummage Head instead continued to jumble, the Wangle and Finagle Head continued to wangle and finagle, the Hanger Head continued to hang but not himself, the Decree and Diktat continued to decree; all according to the refrain of the New Farmer. And the only Head that actually did anything of value was the Farming Head because he continued to farm as what Farm was supposed to do.
  • 19. PART V The BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues) Meeting
  • 20. Part V The BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues) Meeting The FART headed by the New Farmer consisted of the following realms, the Realm of Minion Resource, the Realm of Compost and Dung, the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker, the Realm of Decree and Diktat, the Realm of Wizard and Magician, the Realm of Wangle and Finagle, the Realm of Communal Conjectures, the Realm of Concoction and Conception, the Realm of Jumble and Rummage, The Realm of Hangers and of course the Realm of Farming. The FART Meetings in essence were held not because the New Farmer wanted to convey and bestow his wisdom, acumen, prudence, astuteness and know-how to various realms by means of the Heads (presumably brain too!), but rather as a means to foster, cultivate and nurture the New Farmer’s apparent acuity in the world of farming and the ancillary pursuits of farming. Thus the FART was in effect a self-serving receptacle for the New Farmer one that he might steer according to his whims and fancies. Certainly, the New Farmer with the Hanger Head in particular would contrive the outcome of the FART whilst seemingly debating, deliberating, pondering the matter for resolution. A case in point was the debate of the Farm’s aroma and how consolidating the compost and dungs would be able to achieve that certain aroma that the New Farmer had been pursuing. The FART Meeting was alive and shimmering with intellect in the now legendary “The Farm with the Aromatic Compost and Dung” manuscript. The BORED Meeting was scheduled by the Buffoon Head and a fortnight prior to the BORED Meeting, the Realm of the Buffoon was indeed very hectic, frantic and frenzied in preparation for the BORED Meeting who were essentially representatives of the Locality (a bunch of retired folks who had nothing better to do or nothing else to do). But why were the buffoons very hectic and frenetic? The documents were not done nor were they originating from them? So why were they so frenzied? Their actual job in essence was just being a glorified clerk, no not true at all, glorified office helper, yes!!!!! Compiling and stapling and inserting all the readily prepared documents in duplicates of 14! Still, why were they so frantic and chaotic? Certainly stapling and inserting 14 sets of documents into a file would not be mind-blowing nor would it be physically taxing! Anyway the buffoons and its Head were wild and chaotic and spent endless hours within the fortnight before the BORED Meeting preparing. What was the bunch of buffoons preparing? In fact the buffoons inadvertently would exceed their monthly overtime every time the BORED Meeting was scheduled to be held. Within the months after the New Farmer was appointed and the New Representative was installed, the BORED Meeting was scheduled to be held every month! Other meetings such as those related to the decree and diktat, wizard and magician as well jumble and rumble were also scheduled to be held on a monthly basis. Still, those documents related to these were drafted, reviewed and finalized by themselves and 14 sets were copied and stapled and punched and would be ready for insertion into the massive files for the BORED Members. Apparently the BORED Members, whilst giving the impression that they were bored, had actually insisted on exhaustive and comprehensive and wordy documents hence giving the notion that they were a bunch of thorough group of professionals. Still, this did
  • 21. not explain why the buffoons were extremely hectic so much so that the Head Buffoon was still a bachelor (not very certain though whether he was of the “other” kind)! Oftentimes, the Members of the BORED would also insist that the Documents be prepared days ahead and sent to their abodes prior to the BORED Meeting. Still this would be done by the couriers or the farm-boys and as the practice, the documents would be prepared by the Realms in duplicates of 14, sized A4, punched and stapled. Again this could not explain why the buffoons were extremely agitated and frenzied during this period. The Documents were requested in duplicates of 14. Initially, the Realms did not even question why the required duplicates were in 14. The Members of the BORED were 7 in all. The New Farmer and Head Buffoon were 2. So the total was 9. Where would the 5 duplicates go to? This mystery was resolved when one day the “Old Newspaper” Van came along and stopped near the buffoons’ office and lo and behold, tons of the duplicates were loaded onto the van. The whereabouts of the deposits of the proceeds of the sales of the duplicates were not known. When asked, the buffoons retorted that there were no actual sales; they were merely cleaning out the unwanted wastes. But, in the first place why request 14 duplicates? The New Farmer, after being informed, did not want any investigations done, but instead applauded the buffoons for practicing 5S (Sneak, Skulk, Stalk, Shadow and Spew). Thus the 14 duplicates had become standard practice. Now, the mysterious behaviors of the buffoons come every BORED Meeting was continuing. Since none of the Heads of the Realms attended any of the BORED Meetings, nobody would know the goings-on inside the BORED Meeting excepting of course the New Farmer and the Buffoon Head. The New Farmer, upon being newly appointed to the Farm had within months (before the “execution” of the Senior Assistant Farmers) requested to the New Representative that he wanted to visit the Sacred Farm to get blessings and be purified and thus would be able to assert and declare devout status. The New Representative did not really care about such things as he himself felt that being an Oxbridge (whilst actually being a Penangbridge) was far superior than being a Holy Farmer. Thus the New Representative consented to his request but as the next BORED Meeting was around the corner, he insisted the New Farmer that “somebody” from the Farm must find a proxy. The New Farmer readily agreed and had appointed the Head of Farming. The Head of Farming, during the interim period when the Farm was without a Farmer, had been appointed as the caretaker. Apparently, the Head of Farming and the New Representative came from the same alma mater. During those days, the Head of Farming had always been ahead of the New Representative in all aspects, studies, sports and extra- curricular activities; such that the New Representative was full of envy. The New Representative’s family was very much well to do but in this alma mater, it ability that counted. So, for the five years in the alma mater, the New Representative was full of resentment and had begrudged the Head of Farming always. Thus when, he became the New Representative of the Farm and had “surpassed” the Head of Farming, he was full of glee and had gloated when he announced that he had appointed the Head of Farming as the interim Farmer Caretaker. In the ensuing months when
  • 22. the BORED Members of which the New Representative was the Principal BORE, were looking as it were for a New Farmer, he never once proposed to the BORED Members that the Head of Farming was probably the best candidate around. The Head of Farming (or the Senior Assistant Farmer) had been in the Farm since its inception and had in fact cleared the farm for farming. Most of the farming processes and procedures including the multitudes of technological adoptions and adaptations were planned and implemented by him with a team of dedicated farmers. Before being made the Head of Farming, he had been the Head of Communal Conjectures and the Head of Concoction and Conception as well as being junior farmer for many years. Anyway, as the New Farmer was in the Sacred Farm endeavoring to become a Holy Farmer, the poor Head of Farming were in the BORED Meeting representing the New Farmer. The mystery of the buffoons’ agitations and frantic behaviors were immediately known at the start of the meeting. Ostensibly, the Buffoon Head whilst reading the Minutes was persistently interrupted by the Members of the BORED. Seemingly, the minutes were not accurate, most ‘factual’ (if you could call it so) items were missing, grammars and spellings were abundantly errors, etc. etc. Thus, the Head of Buffoons were chided and all sorts of innuendoes pertaining to his marital status were thrown but never once were he reprimanded. And, the BORED Meeting continued and the Head of Farming was reprimanded for having attended the meeting and for having the impudence to pretend as though he was the New Farmer. Now, the New Representative had mentioned that the New Farmer was doing his sacred journey, so had suggested that the Head of Farming to represent him. The BORED Members however, felt that the Head of Wangle and Finagle should be in instead. When explained that the Head of Wangle and Finagle was on emergency leave (which he did all the time and seemingly was always on some emergency errands all the time), the Members of the BORED had relented and the meeting proceed smoothly. But, the mystery continued to unravel. Whilst the Head of Buffoon was there, he was merely content to muse in his reveries since he had his Junior Buffoon there too to take down the proceedings and account, not by writing notes but through the recording of the proceedings. As it turned out, the Junior Buffoon were not very well versed in the language of the Farm and is usually the case, verbatim recordings would be very difficult to transcribe days and weeks after the event. So, the frantic and hectic behaviors of the buffoons in particular the Buffoon Head still continued because the BORED Member actually would like something to do in the meeting and had enjoyed and rejoiced in rebuking the Head Buffoon jovially and had not requested any improvement in the jot and note taking of the meeting’s minutes or hours as the case usually was.
  • 23. PART VI Members of The BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)
  • 24. Part VI Members of the BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues) Now, Members of the BORED were practically senior citizens and some were extremely senior citizens and most of them were from the Locality’s Ancillary Regions and Provinces and had mainly dealt in Formulating Rules and Regulations related to chattels, capital, edicts and decrees. So they were not too familiar with the language and workings of the Farm. Nevertheless, by applying ‘business acumen’ and ‘common sense’ they had managed to slog along and gave the impression that they were the ‘experts’ at farming. What had transpired normally would be for the Farm’s Senior Assistant Farmer to enlighten the Members of the BORED on the Farm’s Activities and Initiatives and the Consequences and Results arising from them, numerically and financially. The New Representative, Ozlon the Obese, would then, fondle his whiskers, and as though deep in thought would take some time to digest, then consolidate and finally comprehend what were being presented. He would then summarize and proffer a proclamation as though they were ‘pearls of wisdom’ short of being a decree. He would then proceed to request the other Members of the BORED for their esteemed opinions. All too often, the Members of the BORED would give their assent to the proffered proclamation. None had had the sense to solicit the views of the Senior Assistant Farmer who had actually prepared and presented to them the briefs. Of course none of the Members of the BORED including the New Representative actually would seek the opinion of the New Farmer since they knew that the New Farmer was also one of them that was one of the ‘expert feigners’. Hence, more often than not, what was intended was not what had being transpired. Many of the Members of the BORED had commandeered some of the succinct and inspiring proposals and ideas presented by the Senior Assistant and Junior Farmers and funnily when presented by them to the New Representative had suddenly sprouted new life into them. The modus operandi of the papers (14 copies in all and in color), were that the papers must be submitted 2 weeks in advance of the BORED Meeting. The rationale was that the Members of the BORED and in particular the New Representative would like to review and analyze the papers so that the actual BORED Meeting would be spent deliberating and debating the proposals. Well did this happen? Not by a long chance. The Members of the BORED never did read the papers. Their motivation was to scan the papers and decide which to be commandeered so that the paper seemed to originate from them. At the actual BORED Meeting, after being briefed, the New Representative or one of the BORED Members would read the papers line-by-line and word-by-word. Thereafter, the New Representative would scratch his whiskers and after seemingly a long time would proffer his proclamation or proclamations. One particular BORED Member, Jabba the Jaded, was assigned to the task of appraising and reviewing the Farm’s Accounts and he took the job almost to the point of nonsensical. He chaired the meeting and brought it to order at 5:00 p.m., adjourned the meeting twice and continued until 4:00 a.m. and then continued the meeting at 8:00 a.m. As it turned out
  • 25. he was the only one meeting himself since he read the reports line by line and made the comments and took notes by himself since by this time the Buffon Head had slept with his eyes wide open. The rest of the BORED Members, well, they were bored beyond belief and almost to death. All this would not be too bad since the Members were excellent feigners – looking interested but looking at nothing instead! But, Jabba the Jaded was indeed very jaded as his voice was so faint that most would have fainted if not being expert feigners. This would go on and on and on and on … Why were the adjournments? Well, Jabba the Jaded was known to have a liking for the “Lighted Sticks” and in fact most Members of the Bored including the New Farmer were connoisseurs of the “Lighted Sticks”. So silently they were relieved for the breaks and enjoyed the time to become aficionados of and adherents of the “Lighted Stick”. Another Member of the BORED, Zed the Zorro, thought himself as the mighty and expert implement master just because he had a few swords and had ridden a few horses. Inadvertently, at the BORED Meeting he would bore everybody with his exploits of being an implement master and a horseman (not a farm’s implement master nor a farm man!) and how he could improve the Farm’s by being a wheedle and a wangle. What the Farm requires were real and tested engineers. Nevertheless, the Members of the BORED could not differentiate really between an engineer, a wheedle and a wangle. So Zed to Zorro could happily wheedled and wangled not only in the BORED Meeting but he managed to wheedle and wangle himself into the Farm’s Farming Meetings. He was into his element, wheedling and wangling himself into areas whilst unknown to him would simply referred to his horse and implements and coaxed the Farmers to go all-out with his decrees. Thus, some of the Farm’s initiatives were held back because Zed the Zorro thought that they were not to his reference. Zen the Shearer was another Member of the BORED who was previously employed as the Farm’s external reviewer. He however had many stand-offs with the previous Farmer (who had been sacked perhaps due to his information). Zen the Shearer was an expert exhumer of secrets which was rather improper as he had at one time being the Chief Adviser of an outfit called The Thought Builder. At that point in time the clients of the Thought Builder were mainly from the Locality and mainly dealt with developing oblique and implicit rules and regulations and edicts. Thus, he was appointed at the Farm’s BORED since the New Representative knew him from the days of the thought Builder and also because he was formerly employed as the external reviewer and thus had all sorts of documents and information. Zen the Shearer enjoyed himself immensely by belittling the Senior Assistant Farmers and Assistant Farmers by highlighting how his Sago was sagging, how his Persimmon was pulpy and all sorts of nitty- gritty items that would not make a difference to the Farm’s operations. Thus at the BORED Meeting he continued to harps about how the Farm was not up-to-the-mark and continues to nitpick and disparage the Farmers whilst not offering any solutions to the supposed problems that the Farm had. And, true to form, as he was formerly an adviser, when pressed, what better proposal than to suggest that the Farm employ an Adviser to advice on things that require advice. Henceforth, the Farm was populated with all sorts of advisers. There were actually many more Members of the BORED but suffice to record here that with Members of the ilk of Ozlon the Obese, Jabba the Jaded, Zed the Zorro and Zen the Shearer,
  • 26. other members were not that different in genre or culture. So, the Farm was in the spiral of decline ever since.
  • 27. PART VII Operation of the SHIT (Suppliers Hiring Intent Team)
  • 28. Part VII The Operation of the SHIT - Suppliers Hiring Intent Team The Farm being huge and residing in many localities certainly require a lot of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives to make it run properly. Thus, due to the sheer quantity of materials and resource, a team was set up by the New Farmer headed by the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures whose job was to obtain and procure or rather get hold of the best materials and resources available from the vicinity and environs of the Farm. The vicinity and environs of the Farm were full of suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and natives because when the Farm were set-up since time immemorial, the Locality had made it obligatory that the Farm develop and cultivate these institutions of suppliers, vendor, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors and the odd Ah Long One here and there. Most of these suppliers, vendors, etc. were opportunists as they did not actually develop the odds and ends, scraps, etc. but instead had become prosperous by becoming intermediaries and had slapped-on huge margins for every odds and ends, scraps, etc. as each every one of the suppliers, vendors, etc. had monopolistic trades and able to dictate the commercial arrangements, which was rather odd as the Farm should have the final say. However, those suppliers, vendors, etc. who had actually followed the decree and diktat of the Locality to the letter, were under huge pressures as they had to invest, develop, validate, verify and manufacture the odds and ends, scraps, etc. according to the Farm’s outlines and blueprints. They were even under huge pressures because the SHIT more often than not had decreed that suppliers, vendors, etc. that chose to develop technologies and skills, were allocated smaller shares of the odds and ends, scraps etc. whilst meeting lower costs. Indeed, the inner workings of the SHIT was a mystery to all except to the New Farmer as he was the Chairman of SHIT, and the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, as he was the Vice Chairman of SHIT. You could say that these two were running SHIT as though they were the owners of SHIT. SHIT was formed by the New Farmer and somehow agreed upon by the Head of Communal Conjectures Realm with the aim of trying to be more transparent and accountable for the decisions made. Thus, the Members of SHIT were also Heads of Compost and Dung, Concoction and Conception, Wizard and Magician and of course Farming. If the SHIT Chairman could have his way, he would not appoint the Head of the Realm of Farming but he had no choice. But, the Heads of Compost and Dung, Concoction and Conception and Wizard and Magician including the SHIT Vice Chairman were the mouthpieces of the SHIT Chairman cum New Farmer. And so it was that all decisions were made even with objections from the Realm of Farming since the majority ruled and the majority was always right! Moreover, the SHIT Meeting was always called to order when the Head of the Realm of Farming was not available or was away, so the SHIT Meeting always flowed smoothly.
  • 29. Henceforth, many suppliers, vendors, etc. were allotted and appointed to deliver odds and ends, scraps etc. to the Farm who were not really suppliers, vendors, etc. but rather opportunists and intermediaries. More puzzling was that these suppliers, vendors, etc. were even given Tier 1 Status and had other suppliers, vendors, etc. under their ‘control’ and “direction’. The SHIT Vice Chairman did not actually prepare nor review the SHIT Paper for the debate at the SHIT Meeting as well as for the SHIT Chairman’s approval. He had an Assistant SHIT who did all the administrative and management for the SHIT Meeting. This Assistant used to be employed by the Farm and was in the PUB (Procurement Unit & Buying). The Head of the PUB had left because he had “formed” a vendor, called Outgross, and had sole supplier status to the Farm and he therefore had no choice but to leave to manage the vendor so that he can ‘dictate’ the ‘margins’. Similarly, the Head of the PUB was relying on the PUB Assistant when both of them were at the Farm. Thus, when the PUB Head left, the PUB Assistant also left. So, both of them had enjoyed this “arrangement” with the Farm, ever since with great returns! The Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures was also from the Farm previously. When the Farm was diversifying, it had formed a subsidiary Farm called Pee-Hedge-Anne and the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures was assigned as the Principal. He had almost total control of the subsidiary. The subsidiary was in an enviable position because it had sole supplier rights and could not lose money because the margin was guaranteed by the Farm. And so, Pee-Hedge-Anne was managed by him as though he owned the subsidiary and had his own suppliers, vendors, etc. supplying to Pee-Hedge-Anne and margins were guaranteed too by the Farm. When the New Farmer came on board of the Farm, he had recalled the Principal of Pee- Hedge-Anne to Head the Realm of Communal Conjectures, and he, in turn had recalled the Assistant of Outgross to become the Assistant of SHIT. Henceforth, both Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross had almost unlimited access and opportunities in the Farm. Many new Plants and Produce developed by the Farm that required special compost, fertilizers, soil, etc. were supplied by Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross. However, they (Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross) did not actually produce these compost, fertilizers, soil, etc. but instead had out-sourced to others, the 2nd Tiers instead. But, both Pee- Hedge-Anne and Outgross had insisted and was agreed by the Farm, that the development and validations of these compost, fertilizers and soils, etc. would be invested by the Farm and in fact paid in advance. Thus, both Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross had no risks at all but all the margins to gain for! Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma meanwhile was also in the same advantageous positions as Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross since the New Farmer somehow or rather was “connected” to these two. When the new Multi-Purpose-Grain, MPG, was developed, Pee-Hedge-Anne, Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma were the preferred suppliers even though none of them knew anything about the MPG and how to carry-out the required program. Even more mystifying was that Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma did not have enough resources and were in fact under the administration of the Locality’s Bureau of Commerce and were actually just surviving because of the Farm’s assistance, financially and materially. So, the Farm was
  • 30. disbursing funds to Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma. The Farm had also dispatched its skilled Farmers to the 2nd Tier Vendors to ensure that the supply of compost, fertilizers and soil etc. could be achieved on time and at the right cost. So in essence Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma were paid for doing nothing. So how could Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma get away with these? It was precisely because of the Assistant SHIT, the SHIT Vice Chairman and the SHIT Chairman transparency and the SHIT Committee’s decisions that allowed suppliers, vendor, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors and the odd Ah Long One to prosper!
  • 31. PART VIII Realm of Compost and Dung
  • 32. Part VIII Realm of Compost and Dung Every year, the Farm would around the last quarter, start to initiate the FCUK (Farm’s Commentaries Unanimously Kindred). Almost everybody in the Farm would be involved in this, from the lowest rung of farmhands to the most senior farmers, except for those in the Realms of Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the Buffoon (which was not a Realm but acted as though theirs was a Realm of the Highest Order!). Why this was so would be unraveled as we go along. The FCUK should initially start from the Compost and Dung Realm’s perspective as the Farm’s products eventually would turn into compost if not stored properly or into dung after being ingested. The Realm of Compost and Dung therefore should be the starting point for the FCUK as they would dictate eventually how much of the grains, vegetables, crops and produce would be farmed and produced in the coming year. The Realm of Compost and Dung would assess and reassess the marketplace and determine which grains, vegetables, crops and produce would fare in the coming year and how they would be placed in the marketplace. The Realm of Compost and Dung should also propose to the Farm what kind of grains, vegetables, crops and produce should be improved, developed or removed in accordance to the fancies of the marketplace. Thus all Realms were waiting for the Compost and Dung to come up with the prospective volume and types of grains, vegetables, crops and produce including the variations required to fulfill the wholesalers’, merchants’ and traders’ orders and requirements. Most of the hard information and statistics would actually come from the Realm of Jumble and Rumble as the jurisdiction and diktat of the wholesalers, merchants and traders were actually under the Realm of Jumble and Rumble. Hence most of the work were done by the Jumblers and Rumblers and finessed by the Composters and Dungers. Now, if in the subsequent year, the Market which were serviced by the wholesalers, merchants and traders were doing well, then the Realm of Compost and Dung would bask in the glory and would immediately claimed that the FCUK was framed and postulated by them was the key to the success and accomplishments of the Farm. And, all the Composters and Dungers would be viewed as having achieved the most commendable work and would be bestowed with all sorts of honors. However, if in the subsequent year, the Market were not doing well, the Composters and Dungers would immediately shift the fault to others and more often than not would censure the Realm of Farming instead as the volume and types of grains, vegetables, crops and produce including the variations required to fulfill the wholesalers’, merchants’ and traders’ orders and requirements were not met as the Farmers were not doing their job right. Nothing was focused upon the inaccuracies or fallacies of the volumes and produce being proposed by the Composters and Dungers including the Jumblers and Rumblers in the first place. And still, these Composters and Dungers if not the Jumblers and Rumblers would continue to be bestowed with all sorts of honors for having being able to frame-out the beautifully crafted FCUK Document.
  • 33. So, most of the Realm were wondering why the Realm of Compost and Dung could get away with ‘murder’ and ‘mayhem’ which any normal Farm could not tolerate. The Head of the Realm and Compost apparently came from the Farm that the New Representative came from too. In fact they practice the same parlance and vernacular typical from the region of the Land- of-the-Tan and the peoples of this land apparently came from the same off-springs. They may not be brothers and sisters, but they were of the same clan. Whenever they were together, they would suddenly switch from one vernacular to the other such that the Farmers would have difficulty to understand what were required. Now, what happened was that the people that made-up the Composters and Dungers were slowly but very surely were being peopled by the people from the Land-of-the-Tan. In fact most of the people from the Land-of-the-Tan from the previous Farm that the New Farmer and the Head of the Realm of the Composters and Dung came from had actually migrated to the Farm. The view was that the existing people were not good enough, so they have to be supplemented by these people instead. But, as it always turned out, these people only survived because they were affiliated to the New Farmer, the Head of the Compost and Dung and that they were the people of the Land-of-the-Tan BUT work they could not do. They could compile reports, they could conjure reports, they could regurgitate reports, but they certainly could not create actual concepts and thoughts, never! So who actually did all those reports? As apparent from the previous narratives, it was none other than the remnants of the people of the Land-of-the-not-so-Tans. Now, more often than not, the Composters and the Dungers with the cooperation of the Jumblers and Rumblers would mutate and metamorphose the reports so that it would seem that they were the originators of the reports including the analyses. The Composers and the Dungers especially the Head of the Realm would proudly present the Reports as the bases for the FCUK. The Realms of Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the Buffoons would clap and shout and hoot to show their signs of approvals and acceptances. The New Farmer (Sage the Holy) and the New Representative (Ozlon the Obese) also followed suit and gave their blessings and consents. Even the Members of the BORED would also give their assents. Hence, the start of the FCUK was full of boisterousness and animated over the top histrionics. Then the actual documentations and preparations of the FCUK papers would commence. And who would be the ‘casualty’? Obviously the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Farming and to a degree the Realm of Communal Conjectures were the ‘real’ workhorses. Hence, the final FCUK Papers were the resultant analyses and commentaries based upon the “Reports” hatched by the Composters and Dungers, would be integrated by the Realm of Wizard and Magicians as the definitive FCUK for ALL to refer to and prepare their own establishment’s positions and state of affairs for the coming year. The presentations of the FCUK were done with a lot of fanfare and flourish. The Head of the Realm of Wizard and Magicians was the Showmaster. The Head of the Realm of the Compost and Dung was in his element basking in the gloriousness of the FCUK Documents and Papers (whilst were not actually originated by him, nevertheless were portrayed as though they were!) and was ably assisted by the Head of the Realm of Jumblers and Rumblers. The Heads of the Realms of Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the Buffoon were merely there as the supporters and every now and then would shout and hoot their assent and consent. However, the detailed operational and working of the FCUK would be presented
  • 34. by the Heads of the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Farming, and they would actually be probed, interrogated and queried by all and sundry. But, the Heads of Concoction and Conception and Farming knew what they were doing and could withstand all the onslaughts and proddings and would triumph. But, were these not paradoxical? The Reports were the base of the FCUK, the details were based from the Reports, and yet the very same peoples were querying the documents of the concoctions and conceptions and farming? It actually looked as though the New Farmer and the New Representative including the Members of the BORED were conspiring to discredit the Heads of the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Farming as though they were not worthy enough! But, in the end, the FCUK would be endorsed as the defining documents of Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese. Even though, the FCUK would become the defining documents for the New Farmer and the New Representative, come at the end of the year, when the results were different and the targets defined as the SPIT (Strategic Planning Indicators Table) were not met, all fingers were pointing to who? The Farmers and the Realm of Farming of course! Hence, Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese were f*c*k*ed and immediately begin to disown the FCUK and the Composters and the Dungers and the Jumblers and the Rumblers and the Wizards and the Magicians would shift the blame to the Farmers, the Concoctioners and the Conceptioners and had resolved that the SPIT was not achieved not because the initial Reports that the FCUK were bases were faulty, but instead because the Concoctioners and the Conceptioners and especially the Farmers were not adept at translating the FCUK Strategies and Intents into a workable operational programme! So, whilst the SPIT were not met, the Composters and the Dungers were adjudged to have exceeded expectations and were given superlative status and were ascertained to have achieved OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE and all the new people were given dividends and bonuses not known before! In fact all the supporters (Jumblers and Rumblers, Wizards and Magicians, Decrees and Diktats, Hangers and off course the Buffoons) would also be deemed to have achieved superlative performances all except the farmers who actually were doing actual farming! Sage the Holy, the New Farmer and Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative, had convinced the Members of the BORED that the SPIT were not met not because the FCUK were shockingly below par and defective but fundamentally due to the legacy inheritance (system of farming and the farmers) and hence could not be attributed to them. The Members of the BORED who were basically appointed by the New Representative would certainly agree and sanction the raison d'être and rationale of Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese. Thus, the final outcomes were that the Heads of the Realms of Farming and market Concoction and Conception left after being requested by the Members of the BORED at the instigation of Sage the Holy and endorsed by the Ozlon the Obese.
  • 35. PART IX Realm of Jumble and Rumble
  • 36. Part IX The Realm of Jumble and Rumble The previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had resigned and left after the appointment of the New Farmer, Sage the Holy, simply because Sage the Holy could not really appreciate the value and significance of good market assessment and reassessment which actually would be able to determine which grains, vegetables, crops and produce would be able to fare well if positioned appropriately in the marketplace. Sage the Holy thought that he knew how to place the grains, vegetables, crops and produce in the marketplace better than the previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble. Sage the Holy could not actually make sense of the multitude of the jumble at the marketplace and the rumbles arising from the wholesalers, merchants and traders that dealt with the multitudes of grains, vegetables, crops and produce and inevitably had erred. And with this kind of situation, Sage the New Holy Farmer, whilst being new and inexperienced, would not admit that he had erred but instead had inferred that the previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had not advised him suitably, accurately and appropriately and hence had made judgments and decisions based upon erroneous advise. Thus, the previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble could not and would not accept to be made a scapegoat and had opted to leave. Henceforth, the New Farmer had taken the portfolio of the Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble. And as he was not proficient in the manners and language of the Jumble and Rumble, the wholesalers, merchants and traders were becoming discontented, cynical and more pessimistic by the day. Thus the data that the New Farmer and the Head of Jumble and Rumble required to formulate the FCUK were not becoming reliable as the wholesalers, merchants and traders did not have enough belief and confidence in the New Farmer, Sage the Holy, and had therefore submit data that were not fully reflective of the marketplace but rather as response to what Sage the Holy and The Head of Jumble and Rumble wanted to see and hear. Hence, the base Reports and the resultant FCUK Documents that finally transformed the SHIT were rather skewed and distorted to attain what Sage the Holy wanted to achieve and the Head of the Jumble and Rumble wanted to develop. The Realm of Jumble and Rumble was without a Head for quite a while since the previous Head had opted to leave as he did not want to become the scapegoat for the New Farmer. The New Farmer had searched and had found yet another of his ally that he thought could fulfill the post of the Head of the Realm. The New Farmer had managed to convince the New Representative of the proficiency, expertise and talent of his ally. The New Representative had in turn managed to convince the Members of the BORED to approve the appointment of the New Head of Jumble and Rumble. The New Head of the Jumble and Rumble had been previously at the Farm of Hone-Dart and at the Farm owned by the Tribe of Yellow-Slant-Eyes, he did not actually execute any jumbling, and, any rumbles did not pass by him. He was merely being the talking head of the local shareholders; the main function was merely to convey to the Tribe of Yellow-Slant-Eyes the wishes of the local shareholders which were immediately ignored as mostly they were twaddles and gobbledygooks. So the New Head was used to be called Sucker the Sap. Prior to
  • 37. being at the Hone-Dart, he was at the Farm of Drivel-High-Con, and had done nothing similar to ensure Jumbles were carried-out and Rumbles were managed. Prior to that he was at the Farm of Sew-Sew-Key and just a normal minion there but Sucker-the-Sap had portrayed that he was a Key Minion with huge responsibilities that were not elaborated. It was therefore quite an achievement to be able to be appointed as the Head of Jumble and Rumble whilst having managed not to do anything similar to a jumble nor a rumble before. But an ally of the Sage the Holy he was without doubt, and he had mirrored Sage the Holy as far as jumbling and rumblings were concerned which was exactly nothing! Similar to the Realm of the Compost and Dung, the Realm of the Jumble and Rumble were mainly manned by the people of the Land-of-the-Tan and they had also been positioned in the choicest positions of responsibilities and with that perks and remunerations better than the minions that had been working there since the beginning. Since the Realm of the Compost and Dung were also manned by the people from the Land-of-the-Tan, the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had also become the closest of collaborators to the exclusion of others, and more often than not, had missed and ignored better-quality facts and statistics. Thus the collaborative effort of Composters and Dungers, Jumblers and Rumblers, Wizards and Magicians culminating with the FCUK and SPIT had inadvertently missed the point and would eventually not being able to meet the required criteria and benchmarks. The Realm of Jumble and Rumble had at their disposal, thousands of able-bodied wholesalers, merchants and traders, but chose to ignore them. The Jumblers and Rumblers felt that they were superior to the wholesalers, merchants and traders and thus would not believe any data, facts and information that originated from different from what the Jumblers and Rumblers believed were true. The wholesalers, merchants and traders had reacted accordingly by submitting data, facts and information whilst not totally false were doctored to suit the Jumblers ad Rumblers perceptions of the truth. The New Head of Jumble and Rumble, Sucker the Sap, began by recruiting new Jumblers and Rumblers from the New Farmer’s previous farm, the For-Each-Rod-Two, and immediately alienating the wholesalers, merchants and traders. The new bunch of Jumblers and Rumblers as was the culture at For-Each-Rod-Two, would portray that they know everything under the sun, but when came to the real thing would either depend on the current people or as always the case, employ a whole troupe of whiz and boffin that at the end would only regurgitate what was fed to them in a different manner and almost without fail would insult the intelligence by stating the obvious. Nevertheless, Sucker the Sap and his ensemble would always be praised for having the foresight and prudence to employ these expert whiz and boffin in the first place, whilst the remnants of the minions who had actually did the actual work to feed the troupe of experts, were mostly ignored and sometimes were even ridiculed. And so the changing of the guard and the minions at the Realm of Jumble and Rumble happened as was announce to the networks and the public with great fanfare surpassing the appointment of Ozlon the Obese as the New Representative even! The previous Farms, the Farms of Hone-Dart, Drivel-High-Con and Sew-Sew-Key were actually surprised since they were actually every time that he decided to leave their Farms.
  • 38. And, what did the New Head of the Jumble and Rumble contribute? Well, the aggregate of wholesalers, merchants and traders were declining, the grains, vegetables, crops and produce had putrefied and turned to compost, and funds were dwindling since they were spent to glorify the Realm of the Jumble and Rumble instead of improving the wholesalers’, merchants’ and traders’ systems, processes and facilities. And who would be assigned with the failure to meet the SPIT? Well, the Farmers of course! The farmers could not farm; the farmers could not produce the grains, vegetables, crops and produce according to time; the farmers could not meet the required attributes; the farmers could not reduce the expenses and hence the grains, vegetables, crops and produce could not be competitive; the farmers could not respond to the changing demands of the wholesalers, merchants and traders; the farmers could not deliver at the required period; etc. etc. and never once were the Jumblers and Rumblers were responsible for the differences in the conjectured FCUK (which initially were produced by the Realms of Compost and Dung and the Jumble and Rumble in the first place) and the actual realities!
  • 39. PART X Realm of Communal Conjectures
  • 40. Part X The Realm of Communal Conjectures The current Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, Pallid the Grey, was previously from an ancillary farm, which was a major supplier and vendor to The Farm, called the Pee-Hedge-Anne. Pee-Hedge-Anne had enjoyed relatively stable growth and profits over the years since The Farm had established Pee-Hedge-Anne as a 1st Tier and thus enjoyed almost guaranteed margins and hence profits. Pee-Hedge-Anne need not worry as much as other vendors and suppliers since it had The Farm as a major client and preferable arrangements. Pallid the Grey was brought in by the Sage the Holy since apparently they had known each other were the best of colleagues. Whilst Pallid the Grey had managed Pee-Hedge-Anne for quite a while, the actual operations and management were actually administered by a one Lock-Mane. Pallid the Grey in essence had minimal knack in managing suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and natives as he had only The Farm as a client. In fact The Farm was managing the suppliers, vendors etc. that dealt with Pee-Hedge-Anne. Thus, the Realm of Communal Conjectures was in for a shock as Pallid the Grey had little compassion and empathy towards junior conjectures and even less sympathy and tolerance to his previous competitors, the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and natives. Pallid the Grey, true to form would not actually be doing any of the difficult work and had therefore brought in his Assistant who, for all intent and purpose, was the de facto Communal Conjecture decision maker. Now, these decisions would certainly be meeting Sage the Holy’s directions and requirements which the Assistant was very well versed of. The Assistant, Maize the Root, had many years before was part of The Farm and was actually doing almost similar work, in fact, whilst the Realm has been changed into The Realm of Communal Conjecture, it was practically the same realm. One could say that he was returning to his roots and he was immediately at ease but others were not at ease. Prior to this, Maize the Root, had been at the supplier called Outgross, but he did not fit in that well. However, he was treated well by Outgross since one of the Senior Partners was his former boss at The Farm, Rah the Hymn. So the Realm of Communal Conjectures was practically run by Maize the Root and he was ably assisted by Shah the Khan, who had drafted all the conjecture papers for the communal appointments of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors. No wonder that the two most preferred apparent 1st suppliers who would always manage to win most of the bids were Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross. Many of the people in the Realm of Communal Conjectures were of the same ilk as Maize the Root and Shah the Khan and over the years had benefited from some kind of relationships with most of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors. Some of these relationships were very open and most were very hushed. The funny thing was that The Farm had instituted a “Whistle Blower Policy” as well as requiring all to declare their assets, and yet these kinds of
  • 41. relationships were openly practiced by the people of the Realm of Communal Conjectures. Perhaps, the people of Communal Conjectures had too much dominance and authority over the decisions of appointing suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors such that the users of these services had very little influence and were powerless against the might of the Sage the Holy, Pallid the Grey, Maize the Root and the most powerful of all, Shah the Khan who was actually the mouthpiece of Sage the Holy. All of these powerful individuals were very affluent, prosperous and way beyond comfortable and were privileged to be able to splurge and consume way beyond their means. And yet, they seemed impervious and invincible! Well, they should be since they were under the sanctuary of Sage the Holy. A holy man could no wrong! Under the patronage of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors had formed a guild called the Farm’s Family of Font Fortune (FFFF) and also true to form the Ruler of the Guild was from the Land-of-the-Tan, one called One the Only. He was also apparently close to Sage the Holy, without a doubt was benefitting from the relationship as well as being the Ruler of the Guild. The FFFF Guild by constitution would be liable and accountable to the Realm of Communal Conjectures. As such much of the initiatives and activities of the FFFF were revolving around what the Realm of Communal Conjectures would dictate. The FFFF and The Farm would have a monthly jamboree and get-together and the FFFF would be updated by the Realm of Communal Conjectures on the Farm’s progress and upcoming initiatives. However, the actual briefing was not done by any of the Communal Conjectures but actually by the Realm of Farming and sometimes by the Realm of Concoction and Conception. Any difficult issues would be brushed aside by the Communal Conjectures or would be left to the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception to unravel and resolve. Meanwhile, the Realms of Wizards and Magicians and the Hangers would be at the periphery ready to pounce on any slip- ups or blunders by the Realm of Farming and Concoction and Conception, sometimes even by the FFFF Guild. The climate of the monthly FFFF Guild and The Farm jamboree was not very cordial and many were not very happy on the way that the Hangers and the Wizards and Magicians were interrupting the proceedings. They, the Hangers and the Wizards and Magicians, were not constructing but rather destructing the proceedings. Hence, the monthly jamboree did not actually achieve anything but only to serve as the conduit for the building of sense of selves for the FFFF Guild Ruler and the Hangers and Wizards and Magicians. The Realm of Communal Conjectures in conjunction with the FFFF Guild would on an annual basis deliberate and decide who amongst the community of suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors would be bestowed with The Farm’s tributes, honors and awards culminating with the highest accolade, the FFFFUCK (Farm’s Family Font of Fortune Ultimate Credit and acKnowledgement). It was not surprising therefore that the recipients of the various awards were none other than Pee-Hedge-Anne, Outgross, Par-Mint- Tax and A-Poly-Ma and Pee-hedge-Anne was even doubly honored with winning the FFFFUCK Award! Other suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors anyway enjoyed the lavish spread and entertainment even if they believed that most of the recipients who were honored were not very honorable. Even Sage the Holy enjoyed the entertainment whilst trying to
  • 42. look holy throughout the night. Ozlon the Obese as usual would enjoy the food and would end up even more obese the next day. And so, the Realm of the Communal Conjecture continued as though nothing was the matter. As though what they had decided were beyond reproach. As though what they had implemented were beyond reprove. As though what they had suppressed were beyond rebuke. As though what they had gained were their god-given right and beyond blame. As though the Communal Conjectures were blessed and were extending their gifts towards those they chose and damn to others.
  • 43. PART XI Realm of Wizard and Magician
  • 44. Part XI The Realm of Wizard and Magician And, the Farm’s expenditures continued to grow! The Realm of Wizard and Magician was commanded and decreed by Sage the Holy to execute schemes and measures to ensure that expenses and spends were controlled and that costs-saving schemes and measures would be implemented and executed. The Realm of Wizards and Magicians by this time was headed by a Dr. Sammy Davis the Third, or Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician. The Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third continued to utilize his belief in his superiority of the art of Flog, an ancient game of wizardry and magic, as his foundation in his daily supervision and command. Now, the Realm of Wizard and Magician was newly created and was in fact specifically set up to execute specific initiatives related to improving The Farm’s value-chain of operations, from concoction, conception, farming etc. including jumble and rumble at the final end addressing the consumers’ needs and requirements. Since the Realm of Wizard and Magician was newly formed, it was in need of recruits that would be able to execute the much needed costs-savings initiatives. The Realm of Wizard and Magician was also tasked to develop the Reformation Document that would form as a basis to transform The Farm. Apparently, the New Representative, Ozlon the Obsese had presented to the Members of the BORED that The Farm was in need of changes. The World was affected by the Blight of the Lard and The Farm was apparently badly affected. In fact farms all over the localities and regions and actually all over the world were severely affected. Hence a transformation scheme would be required. The New Farmer, Sage the Holy, was tasked to develop the transformation schemes. And as usual the task was delegated to Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third to develop instead. Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third had requested the approval of the Sage the Holy for the appropriation of able bodied personnel from all over The Farm. And so, the Realms in effect were very pleased and ecstatic at this, since they would have the opportunity to jettison and discard the entire Deadwood in their Realms. Obviously the Realms would not declare nor reveal the true nature of these Deadwoods. Instead the Realms were actually embellishing and publicizing that these Deadwoods were “The Best of the Best” and “One-of-a-Kind”. Thus, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third was so delighted and pleased that he did not actually verify the quality of these deadwoods. And, so he was saddled with these Deadwoods that were adept at drifting along and moving with the currents. These Deadwoods were so blissful. By being seconded to the Realm of Wizard and magician, they were granted with supplementary wages and benefits which otherwise would not be accorded to them had they stayed at their present areas. So these Deadwoods were not overly concerned at how they execute their errands, since their expertise was to squeal the magic name, Sage the Holy and sometimes Ozlon the Obese for the other Realms to execute their initiatives and activities. These initiatives and activities were supposedly planned by the Deadwoods but in reality these were actually planned by the Realms themselves.
  • 45. On a monthly basis, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, would hold a convention attended by Sage the Holy and sometimes, Ozlon the Obese to present the status and progress of the Costs-Savings Measures, CSM with great fanfare and amplification. All the Deadwoods were there, and they actually have gotten along very well with the Hangers who were also there. The Head Buffoon was also there because Ozlon the Obese was there. It was Ozlon the Obese who had brought the Head Buffon into the Farm. For the Job as head Buffoon, he was paid very handsomely and was the third highest paid personnel after Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy, which was quite funny of course, since the Head Buffoon job was merely to record all the minutes of the Meetings and as Head Buffoon, he only took minutes for the BORED Meeting. All the Heads of the Realms knew about this certainly, but could not do much about it since the head Buffoon was close to Ozlon the Obese. Perhaps, the Head Buffoon had in his possession secrets and covert information belonging to Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative, and therefore could wield his influence over him. Now at this monthly CSM Meeting, the Pipsqueak Davis the Third did not actually brief anything. He had instead delegated this to the Head of the Deadwoods. This particular Deadwood apparently was a relative of Sage the Holy and had the gift of the gab. In fact his pronunciation of the language was exactly like the Sage the Holy complete with holy verses and sayings. Perhaps that was why he was chosen. The Head of the Deadwood was in his element. His briefings were in a mode as though he was the originator of the wrok. His comportment was as though he was the man who had executed all the labor. In fact, he had conveniently and in a deadpan manner, appropriated all the work done by the Realms, particularly from the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception and made them his own. The farmers, concoctioners and conceptioners were relegated to mere minions as though they exist only to do his bidding. What was amusing was that the details of the briefings were left to the minions from the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception. These were the Realms that had substantiated their work and had demonstrated the activities and initiatives and authenticate their outcomes. The others were merely presenting their thoughts and plan with nothing concrete to corroborate their activities. So, the Head of the Deadwoods, was flying high and had received accolades on a monthly basis through these briefings whilst the minions were left agape with not even a mention nor thanks. Even Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third was also patted at the back by Sage the Holy and sometimes by Ozlon the Obese. The hard work done by the Heads of the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception was not even registered! They were merely minions in the eyes of Sage the Holy and even through the bigger eyes of Ozlon the Obese. Not all the Deadwoods were really Deadwoods. A couple of them were from the Realm of Communal Conjectures. Apparently they could not get along with Pallid the Grey as well as Maize the Roo. The methodologies employed by Pallid the Grey and Maize the Roo were not what they had been trained to adopt and execute. Thus, Pallid the Grey and maize the Roo had taken the opportunity to jettison them. So, these two jettisoned personnel were in a team of Deadwoods. They were in a somewhat fortunate position as they, like all the Deadwoods, enjoyed additional remuneration and benefits and had actually escaped the clutches of Pallid the Grey and Maize the Roo and thus spared the dubious benefit of being in the SHIT.
  • 46. The Hangers and the Head of the Buffoon were actually invited by the Pipsqueak to assist his band of Wizards and Magicians or Deadwoods to do some magic. The CSM really did require magical potions and spells. Only those who were skilled in their realms would be able to conjure these potions and spells. However, the Head of the Deadwoods or Wizards and Magicians, had learnt to hex earlier in his life. Rumors had it that he learnt the hex from Sage the Holy who in turn had learnt it when he went to the Holy Farm. As they were very much related, perhaps there were truths to the rumors. So the Head of the Deadwoods outshone everybody, even sometimes Sage the Holy. But, Sage the Holy did not even realize that! At these CSM Monthly meetings, the Hangers main contribution were to haggle with the representatives of the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception and to portray as though they were more attuned to the intricacies of farming, concoction and conception. The Head Buffoon meanwhile was appending and continuing what the Hangers had started and eventually portrayed himself as “The Master of All Farming and Concoction and Conception”. When came to the development of the Reformation Document which Sage the Holy had delegated to Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, the Head of the Deadwoods and the Head Buffon conveniently disappeared and revealed that they were too much involved and engrossed in the CSM to be able to be engaged in the initiative. Even the Hangers were somehow busy hanging somewhere else! Thus, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third had no choice but to employ the Farm and Farming Experts instead for close to 5 million sacks of rice and a few sacks of tapioca as approved by the new Representative, Ozlon the Obese who had finally waylaid the Farm Reformation Document as though he had developed them himself. The Farm and Farming Expert went all around the farm and talked to all and was lucky to have gotten hold of a previously developed document outlining the possible farm and farming transformations by the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers and combined with the power of the digital, the Farm Reformation Document was completed. So that was how the Farm Reformation Document that was supposed to be developed by Sage the Holy, who, had instead delegated it to Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, purveyor of the ancient art of Flog, who had instead, employed Farm and Farming Experts at the behest of Ozlon the Obese, when in actual fact, the Farm Reformation Document was actually a rework of the Document developed by the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers who were ‘executed! And eventually, the Farm Reformation Document belonged to Ozlon the Obese who had conveniently presented to the Members of the BORED, the members of which had no clue whatsoever and had approved the contents of the farm Reformation Document which did not illustrate how the Reformation was going to be realized and achieved!
  • 47. PART XII Realm of Decree and Diktat
  • 48. Part XII The Realm of Decree and Diktat Since the very beginnings of The Farm, the Realm of Decree and Diktat had been administered by the feminine side. The current Head of the Realm of Decree and Diktat was no difference except that the lass was a good friend of the New Farmer. And as usual, all the friends of the New Farmer would have better remuneration and benefits than those who had been at The Farm all these while, and in particular the farmers. As was the case, the Head of the Realm of Decree and Diktat, My-Shell the Crab, immediately began to expand the Realm. The Realm had for years been functioning effectively and efficiently with less than a tenth of what My-Shell the Crab had inflated the realm. She had so many officials that the Realm could actually be turned into a sizeable firm able to manage all sorts of issues and would be able to develop and release various declaration and statement. When The Farm was faced with issues related to decrees and diktats it was natural to expect the Realm to actually manage the issues by themselves. Furthermore, the size of the Realm was now more than triple it was before. They have officials for all sorts of circumstances. All the new officials were hand-picked by My-Shell the Crab and Sage the Holy. These new officials would have better status and stipend than those who were there since the inception of The Farm. Certainly it was natural to expect these new officials including My-Shell the Crab to be able to respond and react to these concerns as second nature. It was however far from expectation. In fact, similar to the Realms of Compost and Dung as well as the Jumble and Rumble, it was becoming fashionable to hire experts. My-Shell the Crab was very fashionable indeed and true to form, she had brought in experts in decrees and diktats. Some of them were from lands far away and it had cost The Farm huge amount of currencies. Now, these so-called experts as usual would liaise with the officers, and in this case, the erstwhile officers. The new officers meanwhile were playing the role of supervisors and were supervising both the erstwhile officers and the experts. At the end of the day, it was the documents and analyses of the erstwhile officers that had been repackaged by the experts that came through. If the new officers had really had that skill to review and reassess the documents, The Farm would not have had to disburse huge amount of currencies to the experts! Anyway, the new officers would be the ones who would present the repackaged documents to My-Shell the Crab and thereafter to Sage the Holy who would not present to the Members of the BORED. Thus the real toilers had become toilets instead! And the pseudo- toilers had stolen the thunders from underneath the toilers. This was to be expected as My-Shell the Crab was of the same ilk as the Heads of Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble and Wizard and Magician who were the protégés of Sage the Holy. The Realm of Decree and Diktat were fond of assigning the guilt to the previous Farm’s Management. She would not hesitate to censure the remnants of the previous Farm’s Management even though she had no clear substantiation nor verification. Al she had was the concurrence of Sage the Holy as well as Ozlon the Obese. In fact the phrase, “Legacy Issues”, which was strewn all over The Farm, was her creation! Indeed, if anything was amiss, the
  • 49. favorite phrase would be, “Well, it was a legacy issue”, and everybody was happy that the issue was answered by just this phrase. The New Farmer, Sage the Holy was a very frequent user of this phrase thanks to my- Shell the Crab. The New Representative surprisingly also was a frequent user of this phrase which was surprising as someone who claimed to be from Oxbridge, would be expected to have better phraseology than this. And so, everybody would from then on conveniently utilize this magic phrase for all sorts of situations and circumstances and would get away with anything. Imagine, how would the erstwhile people who were and had been the backbone of the creation of The Farm would feel? They, who were the remnants and who had continuously toiled without consideration of anything but for the Farm’s well-being! Anyway, there were not that many issues and for a Farm of this size, there were bound to have some level of issues related mainly to the customers and clients of The Farm. Thus, most of these issues would normally be resolved by the Realm. Nevertheless, My-Shell the Crab and her crabs, had conveniently continue to engage experts whilst her crabs would supervise and she would administer, and the erstwhile remnants would continue to work their butts off! My-Shell the Crab was also part of the FART (Fast Action Response Team) and would most of the time be in the meeting chaired by the New Farmer, Sage the Holy and minuted by the Head Buffoon. The Head Buffoon, Nee-Psalm the Din and My-Shell the Crab were apparently very close. Most were wondering why they were so close, since Nee-Psalm the Din was not wedded whilst My-Shell the Crab was. Perhaps it was because they had something in common. Nee-Psalm the Din inadvertently in the FART would behave as though he was the New Farmer and would make an awfully and extremely din and racket and would direct his scathing remarks and comments towards his favorite nemesis, the Temporary Head of Minion Resource. All through this charade, My-Shell the Crab would also pitch in and was in support of Nee-Psalm the Din. This charade was orchestrated by Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative, apparently to ruffle the feathers of the New Farmer to ascertain whether he would be able to manage the FART well enough or otherwise. On one occasion, Nee-Psalm the Din was making a hell of a din and was directing this towards the Senior Assistant Farmer, the Head of Farming. Nee-Psalm the Din did not check his source of information and was immediately torn to shreds by the Head of Farming. In the ruckus and pandemonium, My-Shell the Crab would also pitch in support of Nee-Psalm the Din, and was also gutted by the head of Farming since he had all the data and information. Now, the New Farmer was not happy as the two favorite minions of Ozlon the Obese had been reduced to tatters and this reflect badly on him in front of Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative. Thus the three of them had conspired to ‘remove’ the Senior Assistant Farmer, the Head of Farming from that point onwards. And who had been the intermediary? None other than the Temporary Head of Minion Resource, Hedge the Gee the favorite nemesis of the Head Buffon.
  • 50. PART XIII Realm of Minion Resource
  • 51. Part XIII The Realm of Minion Resource The Realm of Minion Resource had recently undergone very turbulent times and all because the New Farmer had decided to employ his childhood friend Zee the Glam, as the Head of Minion Resource! Zee the Glam was formerly employed by the farm Eastern Numeral where he was the Head of Minion Resource. He was in that position simply because Eastern Numeral required a local to be part of the organization as the locality’s decreed that at least 30% of the workforce must be local. Thus, 1 Head of Minion Resource plus many farmhands was equivalent to 30% of the workforce. Zee the Glam was very happy to be there and was prospering. Indeed, one could mistake him as The Farmer by virtue of his disposition and appeal. Somehow or rather he was carried away and had inadvertently behaved as though he was The Farmer and had in many instances given favors to his kindred and comrades bypassing Eastern Numeral’s canons and tenets, so much so that The Farmer had no choice but to request Zee the Glam to disappear or various suits would be taken against him. At this juncture, he had already left his spouse and was very much on the way to courting a famous starlet and celebrity. Certainly he would be in a quandary since to maintain his lifestyle and that of the celebrity including to manage his previous mate would be somewhat constrained if he had no obvious means of revenue. Hence, the offer of Sage the Holy was very timely indeed! Not only would he be moving to a higher profile farm, he was offered very substantial remuneration and benefits. At that point in time, he was the third highest paid individual at The Farm besides Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy until somehow Nee-Psalm the Din got wind of it and complained to Ozlon the Obese was immediately upgraded and promoted to twice his current remuneration and various benefits to the third highest paid individual whilst still taking and jotting some minutes! When he reported to The Farm, all were abuzz about his impending nuptials to the celebrity. His appointment to The Farm was widely reported in the glitzy media. In fact, mysteriously hundreds of copies of the magazine were all over the place at The Farm! Thus everybody knew who Zee the Glam was and who his intended partner was. So for months everybody was talking about Zee the Glam and his future partner. For months nobody cared too much about whether Minion Resource was managed properly or not. For months Zee the Glam was smiling broadly and was oblivious to the crisis facing Minion Resource. At the FART also, discussions somehow or rather would focus on Zee the Glam and his celebrity intended partner. This was to be expected as the New Farmer, Sage the Holy was known have a liking for starlets and celebrities too! Ozlon the Obese was not too far behind! So, for months Zee the Glam was teased about his celebrity friend et al. The previous Head of Minion Resource was somewhat of a minor celebrity herself. Due to that and using her wily charms on the Previous Farmer, she had managed to expand and enlarge the Realm of Minion Resource whereby it had the most managerial-type class of personnel of all in The Farm. This tradition was continued by Zee the Glam and the Realm of Minion Resource had grown to an almost disproportionate size in comparison to the size of The
  • 52. Farm. If one were to throw a stone at the Realm of Minion Resource one would surely hit a managerial-class type person for sure! Thus, the Realm of Minion Resource had more people talking and chatting and conversing and squabbling and bickering and wrangling and arguing and giving the impression that they were pondering and contemplating and cogitating and ruminating and deliberating and thinking rather than doing actual work! In the end the work as usual would be done by the Realms themselves except for the Realms of Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Communal Conjectures and Wizard and Magician which by practice would employ experts and they would supervise whatever the experts were supposed to do. The Realms of Decree and Diktat and the Hangers including the Troupe of Buffoons forever would have nothing to do but almost demand the best the Minion Resource would propose to the New Farmer and which would be endorsed at the FART and subsequently approved at the BORED Meeting and finally signed-off by the New Representative. As usual, annually The Farm would be evaluating all the people in The Farm from the lowly minion and farmhand right up to the Head of the Realm. These exercises would be managed by the Minion Resource and they would always come up with differing criteria that would favor their ilk – the Realms of Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Communal Conjectures and Wizard and Magician including the Realms of Decree and Diktat and the Hangers as well as the Troupe of Buffoons. Other Realms would have their SPIT – Strategic Planning Indicator Table – in a very crystal clear manner and plain for all to perceive, whilst these specific Realms (the Realms of Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Communal Conjectures and Wizard and Magician including the Realms of Decree and Diktat and the Hangers as well as the Troupe of Buffoons) would actually do not have any SPIT instead they had their own version of SPIT – Strategic Planning Invisible Table – which only they would be able to comprehend and accomplish. As the Realm of Minion Resource was also a subscriber to this type of SPIT, the other SPIT had actually become secondary to their SPIT. Therefore it was not a surprise that the people from these Realms (the Realms of Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Communal Conjectures and Wizard and Magician including the Realms of Decree and Diktat and the Hangers as well as the Troupe of Buffoons) almost always would be rated very highly. In fact in the History of The Farm, never before had one Realm been rated so highly as the Troupe of the Buffoons who had all the people inside it (except those remnants) being evaluated as Outstanding! It was really a mockery of but who’s to argue since the New Representative, Ozlon the Obese, by whatever rationale and motive, had actually approved the ratings. Even the new Farmer was aghast since his minions were not even rated that highly. Perhaps, the Buffoons had written exemplary prose out of all the minutes that they had written and if one were to read them, one would be wild with ecstasy! But it was far from the truth since the minutes were full of gaffes and bloopers! Now, the Head of the Minion Resource were oblivious to all these since he was looking forward to his impending nuptials with the starlet and celebrity. So, the PMS – Popular Makeshift Syndrome – went as though it was perfect and had taken all the necessary conditions into place. The PMS had undergone various transformations and had been adopted in its
  • 53. present from when Sage the Holy and Zee the Glam had proposed to Ozlon the Obese on the superiority of the system. Obviously, Nee-Psalm the Din had a hand it since his Troupe of Buffoons (and him off course) had benefitted greatly from the PMS. And so The Farm had two versions of SPIT and PMS without the New Farmer or the New Representative realizing it! Even with the wisdom of the Members of the BORED, these SPIT and PMS was adopted and approved for implementation without anyone realizing the fallacy of the proposal. This could only happen of course with the connivance of the Head Buffoon and the Head of the realm of Minion Resource. The day of the nuptials was becoming closer and closer. Zee the Glam had used his position as the Head of Minion Resource to mobilize his people to administer his nuptial preparations and arrangements. The people of Minion Resource were very happy indeed as they would not be working at The Farm but instead would be mingling with all sorts of starlets and would-be celebrities. The ceremony was a grand affair indeed and Who’s Who of the locality were invited. Major and minor celebrities were there. Zee the Glam was very glamorous on that night almost outshining his partner! The Members of the BORED were very happy too as they seldom had the opportunity to mingle with these kinds of people whose basic idea of life was to glamorous and more glamorous at all cost! So a few months after the nuptials, Zee the Glam was caught utilizing The Farm’s Credit Credentials for purchasing his or her personal objects and had failed to reimburse The Farm. Anyway, Zee the Glam was let-off with a reminder. But, a few months later, he had again utilized The Farm’s Credit Credentials to procure furniture and fittings to the tune of almost ten times his remuneration and similarly had failed to reimburse The Farm. He had no choice but to leave The Farm due to this oversight. When he left, it was announced that Zee the Glam had other offers and interests and was leaving to pursue these. Thus, on the interim a Temporary Head was appointed, Hedge the Gee. Almost without exception, he was also a good acquaintance of Sage the Holy. When Sage had not become Holy yet, he had Hedge the Gee and another super person, Ewe the Nose as his personal advisors. When Sage was not holy, he was caught by his spouse for alleged transgression with some hot lass and lasses and all hell were about to break loose were it not for the intervention of Hedge the Gee and Ewe the Nose. Sage the Unholy had Hedge the Gee and Ewe the Nose as his witnesses to convince his spouse that he would turn over a new leaf and had sworn to become holy. From that point onwards, almost always Hedge the Gee and Ewe the Nose would plan some kind of sacred-oriented initiatives to make Sage become even Holier, if not actually pious. Recently, Sage the Holy was stormed by his spouse at The Farm together with the off springs. There was quite a ruckus and the week after, the personal assistants of Sage the Holy, had left! Why? Because their significant others could not tolerate their spouses to be the keeper of unholy secrets and transgressions. Anyway, the term of the Temporary Head of the Realm Minion Resource had not been long. He was replaced by a feminine Head recommended by the Ozlon the Obese as a wedge to Sage the Holy who had by now thought he had The Farm as his own and would hire all sorts of characters not necessarily required by The Farm. The New Head of Minion resource, Has-
  • 54. Not Been, had been without any companion for quite a while. Sometimes she would act out her frustrations on the minions outside her realm. True to form, if you are either a friend of Sage the Holy or Ozlon the Obese, you would eventually thought you are beyond reproach and would inadvertently betrayed your true nature. The lure of perceived power would be difficult to ignore especially if one had the confidence of Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese. With them as tour mentor you would ultimately succumb to the temptation. This was what had happened to Has-Not Been. She could not resist that temptation was caught in the midst of enjoying the fascination of the dominance. Anyway, Hedge the Gee was still there to continue the tradition. And he was ably supported by Ewe the Nose. These two had performed almost like the infamous Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid who were the sweet villains. Hedge the Gee and Ewe the Nose were the Holy villains hiding behind sacred rites to do the unholy biddings of Sage the Holy who was becoming unholy by the minute!
  • 55. PART XIV Realm of Wangle and Finagle
  • 56. Part XIV The Realm of Wangle and Finagle The Realm of Wangle and Finagle was there magic could be applied if so desired. With a little magic and a little reengineering, the Realm of Wangle and Finagle could make certain things disappear, make somebody a hero or a villain, make The Farm very productive or otherwise, allow The Farm to pay dividends and bonuses or not, in fact all sorts of things could be done with the right sort of Wangle and Finagle person. Ozlon the Obese who was once the Chief Regulator for the Locality had somehow wrangled himself to replace the Old Representative. When he became the New Representative, he replaced the Previous Farmer with a New Farmer, Sage the Holy. To complete the set of hierarchy, he also brought in the Head of the Buffoon, Head of the Scanner, Head of the Mole, Head of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker and Head of Wangle and Finagle, thereby repressing at a stroke the existing people who had been manning and executing the functions albeit on an interim basis. Thus, by this the people had no opportunity at all to grow within The Farm. The New Representative was a suspicious person by nature and would not in any circumstance believe any of the existing people. Before the new Farmer was appointed, The Farm was on the interim managed by 2 Senior Assistant Farmers, one to look after the Farming Operation and one to look after the Plant, Crops and Produce Development. When the New Representative was appointed, even though he had appointed the two Interim Farmers, he in actual fact was there seemingly managing the Farm on daily basis. In actual fact, what he did was to listen to a lot of briefings and then pretend to ponder and then seeming proceed to proffer his views, which had no decision at all! Most of the decisions were actually presented by the two Interim Farmers. One day he called the two Interim Farmers apparently for a meeting, but actually, to sit in as though they were part of a panel of interviewers, to assess the potential Head of Wangle and Finagle. Immediately, the New Representative began to wax lyrical about the potential Head of Wangle and Finagle at his previous place which was where they had worked together. Was this not simultaneous collusion and coercion? But what can the Interim farmers do? Ozlon the Obese had also brought in a Junior Member of the BORED into The Farm apparently to assist him but more often than not to do his bidding! Mind you, The Farm by this time was operating more like a feudal system rather than a professionally run farm! Whilst Ozlon the Obese would not decide (or would not put his signature on any pertinent documents more accurately!), all matters must be brought to his attention. This was more for his benefit than for The Farm as he would be able to orchestrate matters to his liking. Anyway, the Head of The Wangle and Finagle, Wing the Tai-Chi, was duly appointed. By the way, Wing the Tai-Chi had been discharged from his previous place (where Ozlon the Obese was the Chief) was give very hefty gratuities. In fact he was very well-off and did not require this employment. The offer was too good to be true and Wing the Tai-Chi off course agreed without any second thoughts. Wing the Tai-Chi like Ozlon the Obese, had never in their life did any farming of involved in any farming. What expertise they had were related to
  • 57. policing and regulating and normalizing and conforming and legalizing trades and commerce which may or may not be related to farming, but, certainly related to making wealth out of other peoples’ riches. The business of policing that they had was a monopolistic business decreed by the locality and thus they had never known real competition. With this background, Wing the Tai-Chi came and became the Head of Wangle and Finagle and immediately made enemies of the people in the Realm of Wangle and Finagle. As he came from a background of policing and regulating including the culture of employing experts, Wing the Tai-Chi (perhaps Ozlon the Obese) had not actually been doing and wangling and finagling. And Wing the Ta-Chi obviously with his exalted position began to decree commands and instructions without understanding the intricacies of The Farm. More so, he had given these commands and instructions without any leadership, guidance and advice. Thus, the wangling and finagling could not meet the New Representative and the members of the BORED requirements. And when the New Farmer came in, the Head of Wangle and Finagle also became his nemesis. Wing the Tai-Chi was fond of pointing discrepancies and mistakes in the wangling and finagling of The Farm and would point his fat fingers to those people he thought was the culprit. However, when confronted actual facts and figures, Wing the Tai-Chi could not validate his claims. And, these continued and continued until even Ozlon the Obese had become embarrassed as he was the one who had brought him in, including Jabba the Jaded who had provided glowing recommendations, and had assured that Wing the Tai-Chi was the best candidate ever. Wing the Tai-Chi was not even perturbed or concerned by the situation. He had good remunerations and benefits. His previous windfall was still abundant. For all intent and purpose, his current position was in fact an added bonus which similar to that of Ozlon the Obese’s position as the New Representative! Hence, the Realm of Wangle and Finagle continued as though nothing was amiss. Any issues highlighted and emphasized by the BORED in particular by Zen the Shearer, who once was the External Examiner of The Farm, would be brushed or deflected to other Heads of The Farm whilst Wing the Tai-Chi continued to point his fatty fingers to others except himself. The External Examiner appointed by the BORED and endorsed by the New Representative, would on an annual basis inspect the wangles and finagles of The Farm and would thereafter report to the BORED and almost always would find faults. Under professional situation, the Head of Wangle and Finagle would meet with the External Examiner and would resolve issues with the aim of conciliation. Because Zen the Shearer was once employed by the External Examiner, Cost-Wet-Abode, they had been conveniently employed without any scrutiny. Ironically, issues that were once resolved when Zen the Shearer was the External Examiner, now had become even bigger issues, presumably because Zen the Shearer had taken affront towards The Farm all of a sudden, but perhaps personally to take retribution on people of The Farm predominantly on those that had crossed his path before. Chin the Tai-Chi in all these had expertly been able to skirt, dodge and evade these upsurge and eruptions by reproaching others or more conveniently his subordinates.
  • 58. Thus, the subordinates of Wing the Tai-Chi were viewed as lethargic and languid and ineffectual and incompetent et al. It was no surprise that the turnover rate at the Realm of Wangle and Finagle was the highest in The Farm. Many chose to leave rather than labor under Wing the Tai-Chi. Some were lucky to have been able to be transferred to other areas in The Farm. The second highest turnover was at the Realm of Minion Resource, but this was fundamentally because the Heads of the Realm was always leaving once they realized that they were not cut out to be in The Farm or get caught fiddling with the procedures of The Farm. Sooner or later, Wing the Tai-Chi would have run out of people to point and subordinates to impeach, and that day actually came relatively soon. The Members of the BORED had finally realized that Wing the Tai-Chi had actually continued to dodge and skirt all these while, and had recommended to the embarrassment of Ozlon the Obese and Jabba the Hut that when the contract of Wing the Tai-Chi was up for renewal, it should not be continued. Anyway, this did not really matter to Wing the Tai-Chi as the term that he had had at The Farm was actually a big bonus already! With the departure of Wing the Tai-Chi, did Sage the Holy propose the existing people of The Farm to be considered for the post? Nay, he did not! And thus, it was left open for Ozlon the Obese and Members of the BORED to again employ someone who had been recommended by one of the Members of the BORED and an acquaintance of Ozlon the Obese! And the cycle continued!
  • 59. PART XV Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker
  • 60. Part XV The Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker The Farm as with all other farms would need to market its plants, crops and produce to gain revenue and hopefully profits too. As was usual, all farms would publicize and broadcast all its plants, crops and produce in the locality primarily and sometimes in other localities near and far. The wholesalers, merchants and traders not only within the locality but also those beyond the locality were also involved in publicizing and broadcasting The Farm’s plants, crops and produce to the market. In fact, most of the cash were actually provided by The Farm since the wholesalers, merchants and traders were actually required to standardize their premises, crests and motifs to be similar to that of The Farm. The Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker was assigned to administer these activities and more besides. The Heads of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker over the years had changed frequently. Indeed these changes were too frequent that the Realm had become an incubator for people to move on elsewhere. Why these frequent changes? It was easy to understand! The Realms of Composts and Dung and Jumble and Rumble believed that they had jurisdiction over the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker. The Hangers believed they had even greater command whilst The Head of the Buffon also believed that he has the highest authority of all! Now, the New Farmer also thought that the Realm was to do his bidding in everything and for all sundry as well as for his personal needs too! The New Representative was also lording over the Realm as though the Head was working 24-7 for him and him alone! No wonder the Heads of the Realm changed every so often as this was the case of too many Chiefs and very few Red Indians! And so when the New Representative came, he had decreed that the current Head was not to his expectations (that is to agree to his will) and needed to be changed. The current Head was actually put there because nobody else wanted the position and being an engineer, he had taken it upon himself to deliver his best albeit within the norms of The Farm and the Locality. Apparently, the New Representative thought this was not good enough and had identified his own candidate, Fay-Rid the Dough, who was in actuality was already over the hill. But, her strength was that she would be ever ready to gratify and oblige the needs of Ozlon the Obese at whatever cost usually to the detriment of the minions who were working for her, including that of the previous head who by now had been demoted as her assistant. As in all cases like this, the real and actual work would actually be carried-out by the assistant even the planning and thinking parts as well as the execution part. The Head was merely feigning as though she was the impetus and driver for all the initiatives. Initially at the FART, the updates and notifications were being done by the Assistants and the Heads were merely feigning and nodding whilst some were actually snoring. And when the Senior Assistant Farmers complained, only then was the updates and notifications were being done by the Heads themselves. Thus at the FART, she was really farting all the way and when challenged had farted loudly, since she did not actually know what she was talking as she had never discussed the updates and notifications with her assistant. Her assistant sometimes had purposely inserted nonsensical items in between the updates and notifications which in all
  • 61. cases would escape her attention as she would never take the trouble to verify the reports. As a matter of fact, whilst she had farted the loudest of all, most of the Heads would also fart during the FART and it had become a norm that Heads would always fart during the FART! The Head of the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker had enjoyed her post at The Farm. She had been fortunate actually to have been given the opportunity of a second life. When she was at her previous farm, she was already on the way to retirement when the offer by Ozlon the Obese, apparently a good acquaintance, was given to her. She immediately jumped at the offer. Apparently, she was also a very good acquaintance of the spouse of Sage the Holy, The New Farmer. So, all had worked well in her favor. She immediately began by acquiescing and conceding and consenting and complying to all those desires and wishes of the Composters and Dungers, Jumblers and Rumblers, Buffoons and Hangers, and most of all Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese. The people were extremely happy with her as she would always do their biddings and not necessary those that would benefit The Farm! And the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker had become the biggest spender of all at The Farm. The annual expenses of the Realm would surpass the budget for the development of a new plant of crop or grain or produce! However, the commerce and trade of The Farm did not actually improve as it was supposed to be with the intense and overblown expenses by Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker. As it turned-out the expenses actually spent for publicizing and broadcasting The Farm’s plants, crops, grains and produce only constituted very minor portion of the whole expenses. The rest were spent in publicizing and broadcasting the activities of Ozlon the Obese, Sage the Holy and others deemed necessary by the Realms of Compost and Dung and Jumble and Rumble, including of course the Hangers and Buffoons. Because Ozlon the Obese were from the Locality’s offshoot that dealt with the regulatory and pecuniary divisions, he was fond of inviting those regulators as well as those investors to reveal and exhibit the status of The Farm under his administration, and those that were still not meeting the expectations of the regulators and investors would be conveniently attributed to the Previous Farm’s Management in particular the Previous Farmer, TQ-Am-ill. Those that had brought positive values would be assigned to the New Administrators in particular, the New Representative, Ozlon the Obese. Some mention would be given to Sage the Holy too since the New Administrator had brought him in. And at these gatherings the Hangers would be ever so busy fleeting here and there between the regulators and investors demonstrating as though they were the ones who had made things happened! And the Buffoons were far behind. Expenses were not spared and all these were planned and proposed by Fay-Rid the Dough. Every so often, at the FART, Fay-Rid the Dough would present these plans and these were almost immediately approved for implementation by Sage the Holy as more often than not, he would also reap the benefit in whatever form. Sage the Holy was very fond of divine and sacred related activities. He would put on his most pious, virtuous and devout face and would front the activities so that his journey towards making himself the Most Holy would be fulfilled if not in spirit but at least in manifestation. He was ably assisted by Ewe the Nose and Hedge the Gee his two trusted and pious assistants
  • 62. from his previous farm. So the charade of being sublime and hallowed was perpetuated and continued by Sage the Holy and Ewe the Nose as well as Hedge the Gee. Any farmers who failed to participate would be harasses and pestered by the Hangers and the Buffoons so much so that they would attend these events even though they had no conviction and belief in the charade. No expenses were spared too in these events. And Fay-Rid the Dough would be happily planning and promoting these events whilst she did not turn up for any of these events as she had the “Go out of Jail” excuse, “It’s that time of the month” even though she had already been afflicted by menopause by this time! Due to these two requirements, Ozlon the Obese with the regulators and investors and Sage the Holy with the divine and sacred activities, Fay-Rid the Dough would take opportunity to bring forth her agenda with both Ozlon and Sage agreeing to her proposals for immediate implementation. She would employ pseudo-experts that would prepare complex programs and initiatives related to publicizing and broadcasting that would eventually be endorsed for implementation to her preferred implementer, Mac-Yes and Associates. So whatever the event, whatever the focus, whatever the occasion, Mac-Yes would almost assured to be there reaping the multi-million ringgit accounts. And yes, the Hangers and Buffoons would also be associating with the Mac-Yes’ and could sometimes be confused as the Associates! The Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker with the expert assistance of Mac-yes would develop mini-episodes of The Farm building its Brand or mini-stories of The Farm’s journey in developing the produce or mini-pamphlets of The Farm in action for the public and more for Mac-Yes and associates! Also at the behest of Ozlon, choice tittle-tattles would be developed by Mac-Yes and posted on the net and web including Nosy Parker or telltales about the previous administration and it’s supposedly mismanagement. And because of these tittle-tattles and Nosy Parker, many good people left the Realm and some of the vacancies were plugged by the Hangers and the Buffoons who were happy to be there since they could become the alter- associates for Mac-Yes and would be able to mingle with the media and glamorous types.
  • 63. PART XVI Realm of Concoction and Conception
  • 64. Part XVI The Realm of Concoction and Conception The life-line of any farm would depend upon the plants, crops, grains and various produce that the farm produce and continue to produce. As in any other commerce, there would be multitudes and hordes of farms within the locality or outside of the locality, near and far. The farms usually would trade and retail their various produce through networks of wholesalers, merchants and traders and very rarely direct to the consumers or buyers. What differentiate one farm from the other would be the way the produce were flogged to the consumers or buyers but even more important would be how the various produce were perceived and distinguished by the consumers and buyers. As in all cases, consumers and buyers were a fickle lot and they deemed that they were always right. Thus, it was left to the Realm of Concoction and Conception to contemplate, deliberate, ponder, muse, mull over, reflect and think what types, variants, alterations, adaptations, revisions, mutations and changes of plants, crops, grains and various permutations of produce to be produced. The Farm had over the years invested heavily in ensuring that the plants, crops, grains and various permutations of produce would have finesse and elegance as well as meeting the farming intents and notions. Thus, The Farm had sent the Conceptioners to various parts of the world to learn about finesse and elegance. The Farm had also invested millions in machines that would be able to visualize and form the intended finesse and elegance of the plants, crops, grains and various permutations of produce. In fact The Farm had the most sophisticated and up-to-date machine within the Locality. Many dignitaries not only within the Locality but from outside the Locality had been invited to The Farm by the New Representative, who was also an agent of the Locality, to unveil to all and sundry that the Locality’s capability, if not capacity, of conceptualizing future plants, crops, grains and produce was comparable and equivalent to Other Farms. The New Representative was in his element during these events and always forgot to give due accolade to the Previous Farmer, TQ-Am-ill who with the Senior Assistant Farmer, Namaz-Lu-Ramak, had envisioned and executed the transformation of the Conception! TQ-Am-ill with the Senior Assistant Farmer had also concurrently transformed the Concoction too since Conception would require Concoction to make ideas into reality. Similarly, many dignitaries not only within the Locality but from outside the Locality had been invited to The Farm by the New Representative, who was also an agent of the Locality, to unveil to all and sundry that the Locality’s capability, if not capacity, of concocting future plants, crops, grains and produce was comparable and equivalent to Other Farms. He also failed to give due accolade to TQ-Am-ill and Namaz-Lu-Ramak for developing and progressing the Concoction to competent and proficient levels almost as good as Other Farms. In fact, the new crop and variants, the New Persimmon, Sago and Multi-Purpose-Grain was developed during the tenure of the Previous Farmer and only come to fruition during the tenure of the New Representative and New Farmer since the gestation period was long. Each new crop and variant would require various permutations of conceptions before the concoction
  • 65. could begin, and at each stage of the concoction, various validations and corroborations would be required to determine the efficacy, merit and appeal of ach new crop or variant. Thus the New Farmer and the New Representative were basking in the glory of the new crops even though it was them that had developed them. The Realm of Concoction and Conception during the tenure of the New Farmer was helmed by Ahab the Clad since Namaz-Lu-Ramak was demoted to become the Senior Assistant Farmer with limited access to funds and projects. Now, both Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy were somewhat skeptical and hesitant about Ahab the Clad’s aptitude and predisposition on developing new crops and subsequent variants. Thus, Sage the Holy had assigned the Head of Compost and Dung to be the visionary of new crops development purportedly since he was nearer to the wholesalers, merchants and traders and would have the best vision and image of what should be developed. But in actuality, the Head of Compost and Dung, Tsar-Day the Tan had never developed any plant or crop or grain personally! But, since he was of the same ilk as Sage the Holy and was from the same farm, he was thrust into this position. So, if Ahab the Clad had any visions or images of his own, they would not pass muster unless they had been eyed by Tsar-Day the Tan, and so the Realm of Compost and Dung had became the tail that wag the Realm of Concoction and Conception, the dog! The Farm was lucky at this juncture because the New Persimmon, Sago and Multi- Purpose Grain was well on their way to be concocted and Tsar-Day the Tan was merely jostling along with the tide and sometimes ventured above the tide to portray as though he had all along was the key developer. Ahab the Clad had no other recourse but to concoct the New Persimmon, Sago and Multi-Purpose-Grain to reality. But, concocting three new crops would actually be too much for one man and thus the New Persimmon was assigned to Tow-Nee Chance and the New Sago to Namaz-Lu-Ramak whilst the New Multi-Purpose-Grain was assigned to Ahab the Clad. Thus these new crops came to be delivered to the wholesalers, merchants and traders as planned. And today these three new crops (Persimmon, Sago and Multi-Purpose Grain) were amongst the top 5 crops in the locality! As the Realm of Concoction and Conception was where the initial description of the new or variant of the crops, grains and produce would be developed based upon what the Realms of Compost and Dung and Jumble and Rumble had developed based from the feedback of wholesalers, merchants and traders which may or may not be right since almost all of them were really opportunists and had no compulsion to change their minds at the slightest prodding or nudge. Thus, the Realms of Compost and Dung and Jumble and Rumble should be proficient in analyzing the views and beliefs of the wholesalers, merchants and traders so that the Realm of Concoction and Conception could then convert and transform those views and beliefs into tangible invention and creation that eventually the buyers would procure and consume. And, since the Realm of Concoction and Conception would be almost always be the first point of contact with the numerous suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives, they are one of the most important place of commercial and technological dealings, that would eventually determine and conclude which of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives
  • 66. would be successful! The Realm of Communal Conjectures however would be determining which suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives to be shortlisted and henceforth would be in contact with the Realm of Concoction and Conception. Because of the nature of this scheme and set-up, the Core and Creation Unit headed by Haze-Rain, whilst most would deem to be somewhat trivial and inconsequential in matters of engineering and techniques, nevertheless was very significant from the standpoint of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives as the Unit would have the choice job of recommending which of these suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives they prefer. The ubiquitous presence of the Head of Compost and Dung, Tsar-Day the Tan during the selection of which suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives, to be proposed for decision by the New Farmer, including the approval-paper-writer, from the Realm of Communal Conjectures, was not seen as out of the ordinary. They were part of the SHIT, formed by the New Farmer, Sage the Holy, to portray and illustrate the transparency of the decision making in SHIT. Even Ahab the Clad, Head of Concoction and Conception could not put in his views even sideways! Namaz-Lu-Ramak, Head of the Farm could not even be present since the SHIT more often than not would be scheduled when he was not available. Thus, the favorites and seemingly very capable Echelon #1 of Suppliers and Vendors the ever propitious Par-Mint-Tax, Outgross, Pee-Hedge-Ann and A-Poly-Ma seemed to be able to invest and perform the major elements and ingredients to create and realize the New Persimmon, Sago and Multi-Purpose Grain! They, the ever propitious Par-Mint-Tax, Outgross, Pee-Hedge-Ann and A-Poly-Ma seemed to have free-flowing resource and funds! What had transpired were that, The Farm would actually be assisting and managing these ever propitious Par-Mint-Tax, Outgross, Pee- Hedge-Ann and A-Poly-Ma by procuring their basic substances and sometimes providing natives too! So at the end of the day, these ever propitious Par-Mint-Tax, Outgross, Pee-Hedge- Ann and A-Poly-Ma did not actually invest anything but merely posing as capable Echelon # 1 Suppliers and Vendors. And, as usual, after a certain time, these ever propitious Par-Mint-Tax, Outgross, Pee-Hedge-Ann and A-Poly-Ma would submit price increases and somehow or rather would be approved by SHIT chaired by Sage the Holy and attended by Tsar-Day the Tan and approval-paper-writer including Pallid the Grey and Ahab the Clad to complete the quorum! The Realm of Concoction and Conception in effect had been utilized by SHIT and the Head of SHIT, Sage the Holy as a vehicle to determine and appoint the ever propitious Par- Mint-Tax, Outgross, Pee-Hedge-Ann and A-Poly-Ma including some others too!
  • 67. PART XVII Realms subjugated by the New Farmer: The Realms of Attribute Exertion and Exotic Exertion
  • 68. Part XVII The Realms subjugated by the New Farmer: The Realms of Attribute Exertion and Exotic Exchange There were other realms at The Farm that were seemingly minor but in actuality were consuming major resources and funds besides the Realms of Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Communal Conjectures, Wizard and Magician, Decree and Diktat, Minion Resource, Wangle and Finagle, Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker, Concoction and Conception, and Farming. These seemingly minor realms were the Realm of the Scanner, the Realm of the Mole, the Realm of the Cipher and the Realm of the Hangers. There were other Realms that were under the jurisdiction of the New Farmer because Sage the Holy thought that he was better than most of the people at The Farm including the current head and had the Realms report to him and thereby subjugating the realms to minor role. These were the Realm of Exotic Exchange and the Realm Attribute Assertion. It was incredulous that the New Representative, Ozlon the Obese had agreed and had endorsed this scheme. It was beyond the understanding of the people of The Farm but not to the New Farmer and his minions, particularly the Hangers. The Realm of Exotic Exchange and the Realm of Attribute Exertion whilst seemingly reporting to Sage the Holy was actually reporting to the Hangers and what mess it turned out to be! The Hangers by nature was adept at dangling and draping and all too often lynching the unfortunate and poor soul who crossed the path of Sage the Holy or Ozlon the Obese. Thus, some members of the Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion had left not because of the work and pressure but because they can’t stand the Hangers in particular Ray-Add the Man who would whisper menacing and perilous words into the ears of Sage the Holy who in turn would immediately took ruthless and callous actions without any inquiries at all! In the absence of Sage the Holy, which was very often, Ray- Add the Man would behave as though he was the New Farmer. It would not be too bad if he knew what he was doing but most of what he was deemed to be doing was actually culled from the so-called farming experts that was hired more often than not at his instigation. It was becoming incredulous that Sage the Holy would almost always believed and agreed Ray-Add the Man’s suggestions and innuendoes. So, some people at The Farm thought Ray-Add the Man looked and behaved just like Rasputin minus the facial growth! Ray-Add the Man and the Hangers were really putting the screws on the people at Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion so much so that the Heads left and a vacuum was created since Ray-Add the Man and his minions could not actually do the chores and errands that were effortlessly done by the Heads before. As the months slipped by the running of the Realms of Attribute Exertion and Exotic Exchange became more and more dreadful and even more appalling! Ozlon the Obese had bellowed to Sage the Holy that something must be done otherwise the Members of the BORED and the main shareholders, the Locality would be pleased and would only be too happy to rid Sage the Holy. And Sage the Holy and Ray-Add the Man including Has-Not Been, Nee-Psalm the Din, My-Shell the Crab, Tsar-Day the Tan, Sucker the Sap and surprisingly Ewe-Nose were
  • 69. conferring the best means and methodologies to be undertaken to resolve the issues facing Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion. Putting Ray-Add the Man in either position would be out of the question as it would inevitably expose his as a fraud and a fake and very poor imitation of an executive. No … no …!!! Recalling the Heads that had left would also be out of the question since they would not return and be face-to-face with Ray-Add the Man who would be beneath their wherewithal. So, they continued to scratch their heads and sometimes balls too to find that elusive resolution that would make both Ozlon the Obese and the members of the BORED happy. The Realm of Attribute Exertion was responsible to assure that the existing and future plants, crops, grains and other produce from The Farm would meet the Rules and Regulations and more importantly Standards of the Locality or other Localities. Otherwise The Farm’s plants, crops, grains and other produce would not be acceptable by the wholesalers, merchants and traders and eventually the final buyers! The Realm of Attribute Exertion was also responsible to ensure that suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives would meet the Standards and Rules and Regulations set forth by The Farm. In essence, the Realm of Attribute Exertion could determine which of the potential collaborators i.e. wholesalers, merchants, traders, suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives, would have the propitious destiny of cooperation with The Farm. Even the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Communal Conjectures did not have the veto on deciding who would be approved! The SHIT also could only nod their assents when the Realm of Attribute Exertion had acquiesced! Consequently the Realm of Attribute Exertion was where numerous mischief and misdeeds occurred. Sage the Holy and Ray-Add the Man were there abetting the mischief and misdeeds! It was understandable that the Realm of Attribute Exertion was where one would sit to have the final say in matters relating to the appointments of wholesalers, merchants, traders, suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives as these would be commercially-oriented and a lot of opportunities to be harnessed! The Realm of Exotic Exchange was responsible to ensure assure that the existing and future plants, crops, grains and other produce from The Farm would be able to be retailed outside of the Locality since the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had been entrusted with retailing within the Locality. The Farm’s plant, crops, grains and other produce could be viewed as competitive not only in terms of their concepts and purpose but also in terms of costs. But due to exorbitant levies and tariffs imposed by the Locality the prices of the plants, crops, grains and other produce of The Farm was barely competitive compared to other similar plants, crops and grains brought in from Other Farms from Other Localities. In fact the services, parts, components and systems provided by suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives were also levied and excised exorbitantly too so that The Farm’s plants, crops, and grains could not compete when they were retailed and traded abroad. More so when these plants, crops and grains more would also be imposed with The Other Localities’ own tariffs and levies! Whilst it was difficult to develop and farm these plants, crops and grains; it was more difficult to retail
  • 70. them in the Locality and extremely difficult to trade them abroad. For reasons only well known to Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy, retailing abroad had become a priority. Ozlon the Obese was obsessed that The Farm retail at least a third of its produce yearly, never mind the cost. The Head of the Exotic Exchange had left because he knew that retailing a third of The Farms’ produce would put immense pressure on The Farm and had disagreed with the strategy put forth by Ozlon the Obese and espoused by Sage the Holy. This was further strengthened by the Reformation Document that put belief that The Farm’s Affluence Trail – FAT – would be abroad. So, they forgot about the local retail and trade and obsessed with producing plants, crops and grains that most people abroad would not be familiar and would hesitate to convert and switch to. Now, Ozlon the Obese and Members of the BORED had very low opinion of the locality’s people as most of them were educated abroad and had taken the nuances and the mores of these lands. Some of them even thought that they were not from the locality but somehow had been there because they were a cut above the people of the locality. One of the perks of being in the high echelon of The Farm was that they would be supplied with various plants, crops and grains and some other related produce regularly so that they would be familiar and could appreciate The Farms’ output. Always, they would criticize and whine and grumble and nitpick that The Farm’s produce was somehow mediocre and poorer when compared to those that came from abroad. Certainly there would be a difference! Those that came from abroad were way much more expensive and somehow seemed better just because people say so. The members of the BORED and Ozlon the Obese whlist being given that perks. Did not actually partake them and comments made were not from their experience but from words of mouths mostly from the competitors. Sage the Holy and his favorite minion, Ray-Add the Man, stumbled upon this information that Ozlon the Obese and Members of the BORED were very partial of anything that came from abroad, anything at all! So, they hatched a scheme that these two Realms would best be helmed by people that came from abroad. In fact Sage the Holy had proposed his candidate and friend as the Head of Attribute Exertion and for the Head of Exotic Exchange, an acquaintance of Ozlon the Obese. The remunerations and perks of these émigré was formulated and developed within a short time-frame and proposed to the BORED Members who had approved the scheme without much deliberation. They believed that what Ozlon the Obese preferred would be what they would prefer too! Thus these two people from abroad came and reported to The Farm and the people at The Farm were waiting with bated breaths and expecting real changes for improvements in the Realms of Exotic Exchange and Attributes Exertion. The new Head of Attribute Exertion came and was immediately arrested by the Locality’s Military, as apparently, he was a wanted man when he deserted the service and went abroad. Whilst he thought that he would get away with the desertion after so many years, the Military thought otherwise. Immediately there was a vacancy at the Realm of Attribute Exertion! Sage the Holy should be mortified by this time as many people that he had brought in would inadvertently had some issues and concerns and not what was painted to The Farm by him. It
  • 71. was no different in the case of the Head of Attribute Exertion! The Farm was lucky that he did not manage to report in and hence did not manage to do any damage to The Farm. Before the Head of Exotic Exchange came in, the replacement for the Head of Attribute Exertion was found. As it turned out, he came from the abroad and was very near the locality of the Head of Exotic Exchange. As both of them came from abroad and very near each other, the remunerations and perks of these émigrés were formulated and developed to be roughly similar and were about five times more that what would be earned by the locals. As was usual, they came and immediately present plans that would only be realized after a year at best. Thus, they had the best times of their lives in these twelve months since all the work would be done by the existing minions and whatever issues or shortcomings could be easily attributed to the previous Heads who had left and who could not refute anything. Misery to the people who had continued and hoping for better changes as the New Heads would only depend on them as they could not make any difference as they would not know how. The culture was different, the locality was not the same, and the expectations were much higher than they thought, the climate was not too kind but the people were kind. So what choice would they have other than to bring in additional people of the same ilk as them as otherwise they would not be able to deliver what they planned. This was proposed to Sage the Holy and he had no choice but to agree, like the Locality’s Proverb, “If one had to burrow in deep s*h*t with the fingers, might as well use the whole arm!” And The Farm paid more money than was really necessary as inevitably the work would be done by the locals and these people from abroad were merely window dressing! So the Realm of Exotic Exchange continued to lose more money whilst trading more plants, crops and grains to these exotic locations as a price to build The Farm’s reputation and to imprint its myth in these locations whilst the locals were really subsidizing these consumers abroad! It was certainly ironic because when the local people were suggesting the same, they were deemed not to have The Farm’s vision and mission at heart, But when the people from abroad was suggesting the same albeit on a larger scale whilst losing even more, they were deemed to have the foresight and prescience of the future and right then investing for success! And the Realm of Attribute exertion was really a copy of what the Realm of Exotic Exchange was doing. The attributes were not getting any better significantly since the wholesalers, merchants, traders, suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives could not really comprehend what these people from abroad really desired as they were talking a different language that what they had been brought up with. So, it was really a struggle for the local people who cared about the plants, crops and grains and various others to meet the attributes that at the retail end must be achieved. Did these people from abroad really cared? So far no corroboration yet! And with these two Reams, the expenses of The Farm ballooned by fifty percentage points and the revenue had declined by seventy five percentage points. That was the value brought by the people from abroad. All the effort and worth of The Farm carefully developed over twenty five years had within a short span of time had dwindled thanks to Ozlon the Obese, Sage the Holy and those people from abroad and the Hangers.
  • 72. PART XVIII The Minor Realms: Realm of the Scanner and Realm of the Mole
  • 73. Part XVIII The Minor Realms: Realm of the Scanner and Realm of the Mole These minor realms whilst seemingly inconsequential from the perspective of operation of The Farm were actually very relevant and significant and not too be trivialized especially when it came to matters related to the BORED, FART, SHIT, SPIT and FAT. These BORED, FART, SHIT, SPIT and FAT are matters closely allied and allied and associated to Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy. Hence, the Heads of the Realm of the Scanner and the Realm of the Mole were there in The Farm mainly to be the eyes and ears of the New Representative, Ozlon the Obese whilst the Heads of the Realms of the Cipher and The Hangers were there to execute and implement the wishes of Sage the Holy. Ozlon the Obese by nature and by training and by profession was suspicious and distrustful by nature. When he was the Farming Cooperative Chief Regulator, he had his Chief Scanner and Chief Mole with him ready to scan and sniff out violators and infringers of the canons and tenet of the localities. Thus when he was made the New Representative of The Farm, he brought along the Scanner and the Mole as he was indeed suspicious of The Farm’s people. So the Scanner and the Mole were installed as The Farm’s Head of the Realm of Scanner and Realm of the Mole. As the saying goes, “It takes a crook to catch a crook”! Perhaps, the New Representative was also by nature a thug and an outlaw and hence his outlook that other people were similar as him! And it goes without saying that these Heads were similar as him too! The Heads of the Realms of the Scanner and the Mole actually had been discharged from the Farming Cooperative Regulatory Institution and had been paid-off handsomely, similar to the Head of the Wangle and Finagle, Wing the Tai-Chi! Therefore having a second life at The Farm was a bonus and as they had been working for Ozlon the Obese before, they would certainly continue to feel obliged to him and would in all circumstances be devoted to him and would shield and defend him staunchly. So the first order of business for the Head of the Scanner at The Farm was to burrow and delve deep into The Farm with the express purpose and intent of revealing and divulging improprieties supposedly happening rampantly at The Farm. So the Realms of Farming, Communal Conjectures, Wangle and Finagle, Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Decree and Diktat, Minion Resource, Concoction and Conception including the Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion were indeed becoming hectic, frenzied, excited, confused, chaotic, harried, agitated, stressed, hassled and beleaguered by the flurry of assaults, battering and mauling the army of the Scanners. Predictably and unsurprisingly, the supposedly rampant improprieties were just a ruse by Ozlon the Obese. He was misled, deceived and hoodwinked by Sage the Holy with the impression that the Previous Farmer and his Team were breaching the trust given by the Locality. No major improprieties were actually found and as in normal circumstances, there were bound to be some minor errors and slip-ups. However, these molehills of minor errors and slip-ups were being made into mountains of improprieties. The Head of the Scanner,
  • 74. Not-High Tooth, was a master mountain creator and these molehills were no challenge at all. And in no time all the Heads of these Realms, the Realms of Farming, Communal Conjectures, Wangle and Finagle, Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Decree and Diktat, Minion Resource, Concoction and Conception including the Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion were replaced mainly with the cohorts of Sage the Holy and some allies of Ozlon the Obese. These cohorts and allies now had The Farm in the palms of their hands or rather the palms of Sage the Holy. All those improprieties supposedly done by the Team of The Previous Farmer and which could not be substantiated, were now really being done by Sage the Holy openly through the institutionalized process and procedures within FART and SHIT and even documented into SPIT and FAT and surprisingly endorsed by the BORED Members chaired by Ozlon the Obese. Concurrently, the first order of business for the Head of the Mole at The Farm was to assist the Head of the Scanner to actually burrow and delve deep into The Farm with the express purpose and intent of proving that the revealing and divulging of the rampant improprieties happening rampantly at The Farm were really true, the truth and absolute truth! The Head of the Mole, Jam-Ail, was trained by PDRM (Patrol Deadly Regal Monitor) a well- known outfit that could actually “beat the confession out of a polar bear that it was actually a mouse”! This was widely reported and documented throughout the Lands and Localities and until today no other Regal Monitors could lay claim to this feat. In fact PDRM had gone one step better by beating the confession out of a mouse that it was a polar bear but sadly the mouse was executed after the confession because it had attacked the PDRM! Whilst Jam-Ail could beat the confession out of a rat, he could not beat anything out of the people and Heads of the Realms of Farming, Communal Conjectures, Wangle and Finagle, Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Decree and Diktat, Minion Resource, Concoction and Conception including the Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion since there was nothing to confess. So, Jam-Ail developed a document that required all the people and Heads of the Realms of Farming, Communal Conjectures, Wangle and Finagle, Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Decree and Diktat, Minion Resource, Concoction and Conception including the Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion to declare their effects. Through this declaration he had managed to wangle out mountains of alleged corroborations that would substantiate the Scanners testimonies and proofs! Costs were not spared as Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy had declared that they would not leave any stone unturned, in fact if need be these stones would be broken and crushed into dust! All manners of experts, moles, agents and officers were employed and The Farm was full of these people. Some of them were from the locality and some were from abroad. Most of them thought they could disguise themselves well but as everyone knows, if one had not farmed, then one would not blend into the farm. SO these people stuck like a sore thumb in The Farm. Everyone knows who they were. The Heads of the Scanner and the Mole were busy managing these people and busy coordinating them into a tightly run unit. But since their identities were known, the people of The Farm could conveniently ignore and dodge them if they wanted to. However, true to their form, the people of the farm whilst becoming hectic, frenzied, excited, confused, chaotic, harried, agitated, stressed, hassled and beleaguered by the
  • 75. flurry of assaults, battering and mauling of the Scanners and Moles, had in fact cooperated to the fullest since they had nothing to conceal. Inevitably, the Heads of the Scanners and the Mole were in a quandary since they were accessories and accomplices even collaborators towards all the improprieties that were happening in the FART and SHIT and documented into SPIT and FAT and endorsed by the BORED Members chaired by Ozlon the Obese. This was not a situation that was nice to be in!
  • 76. PART XIX The Minor Realm: Realm of the Cipher
  • 77. Part XIX The Minor Realm: Realm of the Cipher All the information that The Farm produced on a real-time basis through all the operations by way of the Realms of Farming, Communal Conjectures, Wangle and Finagle, Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Decree and Diktat, Minion Resource, Concoction and Conception, including the Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion in the form of symbols, cryptograms and codes were supposedly to be managed by the Realm of the Cipher. The suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives as well as the wholesalers, merchants and traders within or outside the locality through the related realms would produce immense amount of symbols, cryptograms and codes that had to be managed, sorted, analyzed and condensed into convenient and expedient packets for the realms to utilize and produce all the documents related to BORED, FART, SHIT, SPIT and FAT as well many others. The Realm of the Cipher was by nature very rapid and swift in transformation and revolution not only of the devices and contraptions used but also that of the lingos and dialects. Thus, it had become a challenge for the realm to convince The Farmer and The Representative particularly the Previous Farmer as he believed that the horde of the ciphers were out to skin anybody who used their services, devises and contraption as well as the lingo and dialects that many would not really understand! Thus, convincing the Previous Farmer on the need to invest in new devices and contraption including the necessary lingos and dialects was very strenuous and grueling. And, not many had the energy and endurance to go through the intricate and convoluted assessments! Thus in most instances, the investment of the Realm of the Cipher would be somewhat truncated and would only be sufficient for The Farm’s intended initiatives and not very much more. In The Farm, there were two main cipher systems being adopted and implemented at least within the fraternity of farming i.e. PAS (Plant Amalgamated System) and UMNO (Unified Matter & Numeral Organizing). For many years, both PAS and UMNO had been utilized by The Farm and thus far had been able to meet most of the needs of the development, farming and retail. As in any systems, obviously there would be further opportunities for improvements. Certainly PAS and UMNO were desirous of improvements in tandem with the growth of The Farm. Now, when the New Farmer came into The Farm, the Previous Head of the Cipher who was affiliated with the Previous Farmer, had no recourse but to leave and staying on would create immense pressure on himself. The New Farmer, true to his form, had introduced his friend and colleague, Micro-Change, as the Head of the Realm of Cipher. And did he last long? Sure enough, true to prediction, he did not last long. As usual, the friends of Sage the Holy, would always find ways and means to scheme and connive for their benefit and this was no difference for Micro-Change. Anyway he was snared and could not wiggle himself out of the situation. So he had no choice but to leave and Sage the Holy at one of the FART had announced that Micro-Change was leaving to pursue further opportunities elsewhere! Never once the truth was informed by Sage the Holy. These culprits actually were painted as though
  • 78. they had bequeathed and bestowed The Farm with their expertise and had thus reached the zenith and had no other choice but to look for further challenges elsewhere. Anyway, when Micro-Change was at The Farm, he immediately proposed that PAS and UMNO be changed to MCA (Minuscule Change Amendment) and PPP (Plant Program & Progression). The MCA and PPP was previously the system developed by his previous employer, Miniscule-Supple (MS) and had managed to penetrate the locality and doing brisk business supplying not only the MCA and PPP but more so the process of adoption and adaptation which had cost more than the initial cost of the MCA and PPP. With the support of Sage the Holy and his colleagues the Fay-Rid the Man, Tsar-Day the Tan, Sucker the Sap, My-Shell the Crab, Zee the Glam, Hedge the Gee, Wing the Tai –Chi, Not-High Tooth and Jam-Ail, the MCA and PPP was approved to be adopted and to be integrated with the PAS and UMNO. One can imagine the challenge and the amount of work to integrate all these into a seamless and coordinated entity that would be able to cipher and decipher all the various permutations of symbols, cryptograms and codes that had to be managed, sorted, analyzed and condensed into convenient and expedient packets for the realms to utilize and produce all the documents related to BORED, FART, SHIT, SPIT and FAT as well many others! It was sheer madness. But since decision had been made and commitments had been announced, the minions at the Cipher worked 24-7 and since they could not realized the Vision and Mission of the Cipher, additional resource had to be employed and who ease would be appointed? Of course the MS (Minuscule Supple)! SO MS made tons of currency at the expense of The Farm. Rumor had it Micro-Change was also a prime beneficiary of this arrangement and less than a year later it was found to be true! When Micro-Change left, the programme was only part-way through, and The Farm, and suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives as well as the wholesalers, merchants and traders were struggling to make sense of the whole thing. At the end, after all had been said and done, the only logical solution was to let only PAS and UMNO to prosper with the right blend of tweaks and tunings. So, The Farm spent a fortune for something that could have been done by The Farm themselves without resorting to those people at MS (Minuscule Supple) and certainly not Micro-Change! Still Sage the Holy somehow or rather survived this fiasco and until today, there was no real replacement for the Head of the Cipher since The farm had realized that it could plod along nicely without any expensive Head of the Cipher but an interim one instead. Sage the holy still could not believe that the remnants of the previous regime were well-skilled and knew what they were doing.
  • 79. PART XX The Realm of Farming
  • 80. Part XX The Realm of Farming Farming refers to the production of food and goods through farming and forestry. Farming was the key development that led to the rise of civilization with the husbandry of domesticated animals and plants i.e. crops creating food surpluses that enabled the development of more densely populated and stratified societies. Agriculture encompasses a wide variety of specialties and techniques, including ways to expand the lands suitable for plant farming by digging water-channels and other forms of irrigation. Farming of crops on arable land and the pastoral herding of livestock on rangeland remain at the foundation of agriculture. In the past century there has been increasing concern to identify and quantify various forms of agriculture. In the developed world the range usually extends between sustainable agriculture e.g. permaculture or organic agriculture and intensive farming e.g. industrial agriculture. About one third of the world's workers were employed in farming. However, the relative significance of farming has dropped steadily since the beginning of industrialization, and recently the services sector overtook farming as the economic sector employing the most people worldwide. Despite the fact that farming employs over one-third of the world's population, agricultural production accounts for less than five percent of the gross world product i.e. an aggregate of all gross domestic products. It was with this background that the Premier of the Locality decided to form The Farm. And despite protestations from all walks of life who believed that farming was not what the Locality should be dwelling in, The Farm was managed to be formed even with the challenges thrown at them. Many people believed that plants, crops and grains and other produce could not be farmed and retailed at the price that the people within the Locality and outside the Locality would be willing to pay. Apparently, many still believed that plants, crops, grains and other produce imported would be superior in features, attributes and characteristics than those farmed locally. What a challenge! Changing the mind sets of people who have been indoctrinated and conditioned for a long time would indeed be tough especially if they chose to close their eyes and mouths and ears. Persistence had certainly paid dividends to The Farm. For over twenty years, the people of the Farm from the lowly farmhands to the white-collar farmers had toiled, slogged, labored and sweated blood and tears to be where they are today famous and well- known throughout the locality and beyond for producing sought-after plants, crops and grains especially the new persimmon, the new sago and the new multi-purpose grains. The Farm had indeed moved a long way forward for the last twenty over years and had developed along the way numerous suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives as well as the wholesalers, merchants and traders that dealt with The Farm’ plants, crops, grains and other produce. Many people had grown with The Farm and had experience the ups during periods of unmitigated success and downs during periods of sheer collapse but all would persevere and continue to forge on and make The Farm an institution that the Locality was proud to own. The Farm was somewhat unfortunate, in particular during the launch of the old persimmon since most of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors
  • 81. of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives were new to the concept of development and validation. The launch of the old persimmon was affected not too much but enough to warrant the wrath of the consumers. Another launch somewhat close to this period was the precursor of the new sago, the sawi, and, similarly, suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives had not matured and had not begun to reflect upon the lessons learnt from the launch of the old persimmon, had impacted upon the buyers’ psyche. During these somewhat turbulent times, the Previous Farmer, TQ-Am-ill, was the Chief Administrator. He had been blamed for all the fiasco by the BORED whilst in actual fact some of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives were actually affiliated to some of the Members of the BORED!. At this juncture, TQ-AM-ill were very close to the Premier of the Locality. There was one foray into industrial agriculture overseas, which was somewhat different than what The Farm was familiar with, instigated by the Premier. And being a good administrator, TQ-AM-ill did what he believed was the right thing, one to please the Premier, second to diversify the portfolio of The Farm for future sustainability, third to gain insights into industrial agriculture, and fourthly to integrate farming and agriculture into a workable future strategic growth. The industrial farming that was looked at, EM-WEE-SEPTEMBA (EWS), whilst having the best plants and crops, had not managed to breakeven and required injections of assets and funds to turnaround and be lucrative. Obviously this would not require time and as always investments must be nurtured for them to bear fruits. But the BORED Members were mostly bean-counters and had never farmed and could not understand the logic of the venture because they had been used to getting dividend within months by purveying coins! Thus, the Members of the BORED had decided to remove the Previous Old Farmer. But in order to do that, somebody must do it. The current BORED Members were not that keen to do it so had decided to appoint a New Representative of the BORED so that this could be implemented. And with that, Ozlon the Obese was appointed as the New Representative and had the unenvious task of removing the Previous Farmer. This episode would later hound him as he too was also removed later on! Now, EWS as with any industrial agriculture would have debts, and in this particular case quite substantial. But, EWS had in possession really sought-after crops and grains that it had patented and the patents were quite valuable. Unfortunately, Ozlon the Obese, who was once the Farming Co-operative Chief Regulator but who had never farmed, could not reconcile the debts and the revenue of the EWS since he was unwilling to invest. So, with a keen eye and a bloated gut, he had proposed that EWS be disposed for the princely sum of one coin, and the Members of the BORED had praised his ingenuity for having found the solution so that The Farm would get away from investing in EWS. Thus, Ozlon the Obese and the troupe of BORED Members made the announcement of disposing EWS for one coin and TQ-Am-ill was lambasted for having made the blunder to invest in EWS! Sage the Holy, the New Farmer appointed by Ozlon the Obese, had also voiced out loudly that Ozlon had made the decision with vivid imagination and ability. Today, the new owners of EWS had sold the patents for millions of coins whilst also having the ability to continue to reap the benefits of industrial agriculture! And The Farm totally lost the opportunity to diversify all thanks to Ozlon the Obese and the BORED Members who had the wisdom to have decided to sell EWS for one coin. The
  • 82. Farm could by now be farming some of the most sought after plants, crops and grains, but, alas, this was not to be. The junior farmers and farmhands were informed by Sage the Holy that EWS was not really what The Farm need. However, The Farm had kept another venture which was somewhat similar to EWS in another locality beyond the seas too. This was the Horde-Them, HT, which had only one crop! This venture was kept simply because it was deemed important for The Farm as apparently HT would have state-of-the-art farming technology and the like. But everyone knows that the farming technology could only be applied to HT’s one crop only and would need massive adaptation and modifications for other farms to utilize. Now why would The Farm continue to keep HT whilst all along the one crop that HT produced could not keep HT afloat and The Farm had to continue to assist HT not only in terms of minions and resource but also hard coins! Why? Well, Ozlon the Obese was a very good friend of the Head of HT, MK, Michael Kackson and somehow he was able to convince Ozlon and the BORED Members that HT would be just the ingredient to assist The Farm to be successful beyond the seas. If this was true it would not be so bad, but, what was true was that HT continued to burn The Farm’s coins as though it was limitless! Sage the Holy in fact had allocated coins that were supposed to be used to improve The Farm for HT and what had HT showed for that? Zilch, and what was certain was that the coins went down the drain. The Farm was for many years had been operated very lean and had managed to deliver the returns that were expected from it. The Previous Farmer and his Team in fact had managed to make more than a billion coins as well as to sow the seeds of the next generation of persimmon, sago and multi-purpose grain. And when the New Representative and New Farmer came in, The Farm lost a lot of coins mainly because to subsidize all the people over the seas since they were not familiar with the plants, crops and grains produced by The Farm and the Realm of Exotic Exchange had proposed and Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy had approved the massive endowments all in the hope that one day the people over the seas would be familiar enough with The Farm’s plants, crops and grains and thus would be able to gain the benefits later! Was these benefits realized? Certainly not! And conveniently, the Heads of the Attribute Exertion and Exotic Exchange blamed The Farm and the farmers that the plants, crops and grains were not to the level expected by the people over the seas. Can the Heads of these realms be believed? Well, these people from abroad had been at the locality employed by one of the smaller farms and had not managed to fit in and had not managed to deliver what they promised and had been asked to leave! When they left, conveniently The Farm had taken them on board and had not checked their background. So what can The Farm expect? Since The Farm under the watch of The New Representative and The New Farmer had continued to lose coins and share of the retail, they must find somebody to blame because they certainly could not blame themselves! Who and what could be convenient to apportion the blame to? Easy enough, blame the remnant farmers and farmhands and declared that the losses was mainly due to legacy issues and that these remnant farmers and farmhands were not team players and could not picture the vision of Ozlon the Obese and could not carry-out the mission of Sage the Holy! Thus a comprehensive picture was made with the paid assistance of Farm and Farming Experts and the perception that the problems of The Farm even after Ozlon
  • 83. the Obese and Sage the Holy had been the administrators and supervised by the BORED after more than three years, were actually due to those remnant farmers and farmhands became almost real. Many people almost believed since these were very often mentioned. Beacue of these perceptions, four Senior Assistant Farmers and countless junior farmers, farmers and farmhands had left. Some were asked to leave. Some were pressured to leave. Some left because they could not stand the hypocrisy of both Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy. Those that remain, the remnants, persevered and continued to farm at great personal discomfort and risks, and had successfully farmed the new persimmon, the new sago and the new multi- purpose grain without much aid from the new farmers and farmhands who always thought that it would be beneath them to get their hands dirty by actually doing real farming! With farmers like Ewe the Nose who thought that he was the ultimate if one was looking for a farmer, how could The Farm move forward? The disposition of Ewe the Nose was exactly like the ewe, full of hair, rotund and giving the impression of holiness. But, deep down, he was not really holy since a holy man would always find the best in anybody whilst he was the opposite. He would always found fault in anybody and everybody. Initiative instigated by the Realm of Wizard and Magician would miraculously somehow landed in his lap as though he was the one that had executed it and would hold on for as long as he had could and for as long as the initiative would show progress and for as long as he had to do nothing! At the first sign of delays or problems he would immediately abandon the initiative and passed it to some poor soul who would later on be blamed by none other than him! Ewe the Nose was also putting his nose in someone else’s business whilst his own business was never really being dealt with and had never ever been completed, not even once. And as usual, he would relinquish those that he would find to be of burden and entrust it to others. With this methodology, he would survive and would seem to be delivering value to The Farm. Others such as Ray-Add the Man had learnt Ewe the Nose’s technique and had adopted it and had made it into an art, the Art of Hanging and has also prospered whilst actually doing nothing but giving the impression that he was ever so busy strategizing this and that for The Farm but in reality all of that were sheer theatre and drama. Whilst another, Tsar-Day the Tan, was adopting similar techniques as Ewe the Nose and Ray-Add the Man since all of them came from the same smallish farm before and at that farm they were really window dressers for other people that actually did the job of farming. Thus Tsar-Day the Tan, were merely acting as though he was the expert retailer analyzer and the rest was sheer performance. Still others, such as Zee the Glam, Hedge the Gee and Has-not Been, had adapted the techniques to another level where others would execute whilst they themselves, would prosper. These techniques of pseudo-farming were also being tuned to the finest degree by the BORED and especially Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy. There were many pseudo-farmers at The Farm. Many of these were brought in by Sage the Holy mainly from the farm where he had been before. These pseudo-farmers were well trained in the art of pseudo-farming as at the farm, the real farming were done by people from the land of the slant eyes whilst they were at the forefront making-belief that they were the real farmers. They had been so used being pseudo-farmers that they could be any other. Sage the Holy was the most hard-core pseudo-farmer and was so adept at it that for most people it looked as though he was a real farmer. He had learnt the right farming behavior and the highest farming language so much so that even real farmers could not realize the difference. Ozlon the
  • 84. Obese wanted to migrate from being an invigilator to pseudo-farmer but his disposition could not make him one. Even so, he tried hard to be a pseudo-farmer and more often than not had blundered and had looked like a farmhand instead! Sage was very happy indeed at these blunders Ozlon the Obese since this would make him to be like a real farmer and would also strengthen his position. Really at the core, Sage the Holy had designs to actually become a Representative! In fact, this seed was sowed by Sage the Holy into the mind of the Head of the Locality. And all the blunders by Ozlon the Obese had fortified his petition. Anyway, stories and fables could not be continuously be yarned, because sooner or later the real truth would surface and indeed it had. Both Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy had ran out of fictions and parables about the remnants of farmers and farmhands. They, the remnants of the farmers and farmhands were the ones who had had really created the new persimmon, new sago and new multi-purpose grain and everybody knew about that. The sories and fables could not carry any more credibility for both Ozlon the Obese or Sage the Holy. So, one of them had to go. Somehow or rather, Ozlon the Obese was the one to go instead of Sage the Holy! The Farm continued to be headed by a pseudo-farmer who had nothing else in mind but to ensure his own benefits were taken care of. And the FART and SHIT continued to become his vessels of prosperity. And his minions had also prospered. End of Book I

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