THE FARM
                   BOOK I
                      By
               © Namaz Surad
            Who once used to Farm...
BOOK I
                                 A saga – A Farm
                              The Main Personalities
1. The New Re...
PART I
The Farm
PART I

The Farm

        The Farm was quite substantial in size and was in two localities separated by other
farms. In fa...
would be taken upon them. Still others left after realizing that they were not cut out to become
farmers. Many more left b...
The New Farmer had actually convinced the Locality (a bunch of ripened tomatoes) that
now the New Representative (even a b...
PART II
             The Ballad of The Reformation




PART II

The Ballad of the Reformation
After the previous Farmer was sacked by the Locality (a bunch of brown nosers) and the
New Representative (who had the big...
beauty of the document but were not terribly sure about the contents. Some had said the
document were akin to a fairy tale...
than the world of wizardry and Flog!!! Inadvertently, he had alienated those acquaintances that
he had nurtured and triump...
PART III
The Ballad of The Hangers
Part III

The Ballad of the Hangers

        The transformation of the Reformation was the key to the Farm. The New
Repres...
that the New Representative was truly inflated and most probably could not be a Hanger as he
would not be able to hang as ...
On one occasion, the New Farmer wanted to execute a Farm Appraisal and in this
particular case a mill. So the minion farme...
PART IV
The Farmers Action Response Team
             FART
Part IV

Farmers Action Response Team - FART

       As is usual with a farm of this size, by the sheer number of employee...
there only because as a Buffoon he was to act as a glorified court jester mainly to jot down all
the yarns, gags, fictions...
Since the Head Wizard and Magician had squeaked and pipped, the Head of Composts
and Dung took opportunity of the bewilder...
PART V
              The BORED
(Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)
               Meeting
Part V

The BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues) Meeting

       The FART headed by the New Farmer consisted of th...
not explain why the buffoons were extremely hectic so much so that the Head Buffoon was still
a bachelor (not very certain...
the BORED Members of which the New Representative was the Principal BORE, were looking
as it were for a New Farmer, he nev...
PART VI
       Members of The BORED
(Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)
Part VI

Members of the BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)

       Now, Members of the BORED were practically se...
he was the only one meeting himself since he read the reports line by line and made the
comments and took notes by himself...
other members were not that different in genre or culture. So, the Farm was in the spiral of
decline ever since.
PART VII
    Operation of the SHIT
(Suppliers Hiring Intent Team)
Part VII

The Operation of the SHIT - Suppliers Hiring Intent Team

       The Farm being huge and residing in many locali...
Henceforth, many suppliers, vendors, etc. were allotted and appointed to deliver odds
and ends, scraps etc. to the Farm wh...
disbursing funds to Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma. The Farm had also dispatched its
skilled Farmers to the 2nd Tier...
PART VIII
Realm of Compost and Dung
Part VIII

Realm of Compost and Dung

       Every year, the Farm would around the last quarter, start to initiate the FCU...
So, most of the Realm were wondering why the Realm of Compost and Dung could get
away with ‘murder’ and ‘mayhem’ which any...
by the Heads of the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Farming, and they would
actually be probed, interrogated and q...
PART IX
Realm of Jumble and Rumble
Part IX

The Realm of Jumble and Rumble

        The previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had resigned and left...
being at the Hone-Dart, he was at the Farm of Drivel-High-Con, and had done nothing similar to
ensure Jumbles were carried...
And, what did the New Head of the Jumble and Rumble contribute? Well, the aggregate
of wholesalers, merchants and traders ...
PART X
Realm of Communal Conjectures
Part X

The Realm of Communal Conjectures

       The current Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, Pallid the Grey, ...
relationships were openly practiced by the people of the Realm of Communal Conjectures.
Perhaps, the people of Communal Co...
look holy throughout the night. Ozlon the Obese as usual would enjoy the food and would end
up even more obese the next da...
PART XI
Realm of Wizard and Magician
Part XI

The Realm of Wizard and Magician

         And, the Farm’s expenditures continued to grow! The Realm of Wizard an...
On a monthly basis, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, would hold a convention
attended by Sage the Holy and sometimes, Ozlo...
The Hangers and the Head of the Buffoon were actually invited by the Pipsqueak to
assist his band of Wizards and Magicians...
PART XII
Realm of Decree and Diktat
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
Recently i was told of a story by a friend
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Recently i was told of a story by a friend

  1. 1. THE FARM BOOK I By © Namaz Surad Who once used to Farm Persimmon New Sago Multi-Purpose Grain
  2. 2. BOOK I A saga – A Farm The Main Personalities 1. The New Representative - Ozlon the Obese 2. The New Farmer - Sage the Holy 3. The Previous Farmer - TQ-Am-ill 4. The Realm of Hangers - Fay-Rid the Man; Ewe the Nose 5. The Realm of Compost and Dung - Tsar-Day the Tan 6. The Realm of Jumble and Rumble - Sucker the Sap 7. The Realm of Communal Conjectures - Pallid the Grey; Maize the Roo 8. The Realm of Wizard and Magicians - Dr. Sammy Davis the Third 9. The Realm of Decree and Diktat - My-Shell the Crab 10. The Realm of Minion Resource - Zee the Glam; Hedge the Gee, Has-Not Been 11. The Realm of Wangle an Finagle - Wing the Tai –Chi 12. The Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker - Fay-Rid the Dough 13. The Realm of Concoction and Conception - Ahab the Clad 14. The Realm of Exotic Exchange - The Man from Abroad 15. The Realm of Attribute Exertion - The Man from Abroad 16. The Realm of the Scanner - Not-High Tooth 17. The Realm of the Mole - Jam-Ail 18. The Realm of the Cipher - Micro-Change 19. The Realm of Farming - Namaz-Lu-Ramak
  3. 3. PART I The Farm
  4. 4. PART I The Farm The Farm was quite substantial in size and was in two localities separated by other farms. In fact, the Farm had acquired substantial holdings in a farm whose residents were substantially different and whose location was tremendously far and require many days and months of traveling. The Farm had also decided to collaborate with other farms through the provision of its propriety farming know-how including plants and vegetables. The Farm was “owned” by the Locality (a bunch of old f*r*s) as well as other apparently gullible localities and sub-localities. Apparently the previous Farmer who was appointed by the Locality (a bunch of old twiddlers) was reported to have overstepped his limit and was removed, but in reality, the New Representative (also a bigger twiddler) felt threatened by the Farmer. The New Representative was deemed to be extremely qualified because he was the Farming Co-Operative Chief Regulator and had never once in his life actually farmed any fields nor developed any new plants or vegetables. Anyway, a New Farmer was duly appointed by the Locality and with the express agreement of the New Representative. Apparently this New Farmer was deemed to be very successful and very skilled although the farm that he was working at had other similar Farmers who were really skilled in farming and had actually done the actual farming - planting, seeding, weeding and fertilizing including harvesting and selling whilst this particular Farmer had given the impression that He was the One who had thought real hard and had farmed what he really had thought while all along what he actually did was to shout to all others what he thought he was doing and at the farm he was merely acting as a farmer. So, the New Representative (happily twiddling along) had decided to get this New Farmer on board and had overlooked existing Senior Assistant Farmers who were more qualified than this New Farmer. The first thing that this New Farmer had done was to bring to the Farm his Assistant Farmers who were deemed to be experts and full of farming experience, into various areas, but more so in certain areas that would impact upon the Farm's Expenses such as procurement of fertilizers, implements and machinery; development of plants, vegetables and produce; marketing and sales of plants, vegetables and produce; managing farm-hands as well as the farm's modern system. What had happened was that the Farm's existing Senior and Junior Assistant Farmers who had been with the Farm since the Farm's inception was actually sidelined because they were deemed to be incapable of assimilating the new methodologies of farming by the New Farmer as well as the New Representative. However, after months of farming at The Farm, many of the New Assistant Farmers had left. Some was caught because of improprieties such as using the Farm’s Credit Facilities for personal business and had to leave. Others for allowing friends and partners to supply fertilizers and implements without undergoing the proper procedures and was asked to leave or action
  5. 5. would be taken upon them. Still others left after realizing that they were not cut out to become farmers. Many more left because of misrepresenting themselves as farmers whilst they are actually farmhands and had realized that others also realized that they were actually farmhands and were not adept at being farmers. The New Farmer had made representations to the New Representative of the Locality that he could not manage the Farm not because the New Assistant and Junior Farmers could not meet the grade, but, because the existing Senior Assistant Farmers did not give him and his expert New Assistant and Junior Farmers the cooperation required and had also not given the New Assistant and Junior Farmers the help that they require to assimilate into The Farm. In other words the existing Senior Assistant Farmers were not capable of managing not only the existing Junior Farmers but also the New Junior Farmers, and, the existing Senior Assistant Farmers were also deemed as non-team player since they did not manage to give the impression that the New Assistant Farmers were farmers of high caliber and full of wisdom. As such, the New Assistant Farmers farming performance were affected. They had no choice but to resort to those “improprieties” just to execute their farming management and skills. They cannot be blamed! It was not their fault. It was the fault of those 4 Senior Assistant Farmers. They still have the grass root support of the farmhands and Junior Assistant Farmers and had therefore meddled with the New Farmer’s superior ways of farming and managing. The New Farmer had therefore made a bold promise and proposal. The New Farmer committed to the New Representative and the Locality (manned by a bunch of old timers whose best decision was to agree with the New Representative) that he can deliver superior plants, vegetables and produce without the services of the Senior Assistant Farmers. And so it came that the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers were asked to leave at the behest of the New Farmer but portrayed as though they could not be part of the Team of Highly-Skilled and Technological Farmers and had therefore left on their own accord. After the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers left, the Farm’s conditions still did not improve. But, the New Farmer had the knack of being able to convince the Locality (a bunch of ripe bananas) and the New Representative (even a bigger banana) that the Farm’s performance had improved whilst in actual fact it did not. Ironically, before their departure, the Senior Assistant Farmers had actually developed multiple new and variants of plants, fruits and vegetables such as the new sago which was cheap and nutritious, new persimmon which was nutritious and full of vitamins, new multi- purpose grains that would be wholesome and healthy including other vegetables and produces. The Senior Assistant Farmers who had developed, planted, produced and were about to sell these new plants were ungraciously removed (as narrated above) but to all the farmhands and junior farmers, there were portrayed as not being able to make the cut and had thus chosen to leave. Still, The Farm had not improved even after the Senior Assistant Farmers had left. Who was impeding the New Farmer? Who was not part of the Team? What did the New Farmer do?
  6. 6. The New Farmer had actually convinced the Locality (a bunch of ripened tomatoes) that now the New Representative (even a bigger ripened tomato) was impeding him in a major way, big time! He had given the impression that he could not be blamed for all the shortcomings but instead the Locality must apportion the blame to the New Representative. Why? Well, as the New Representative had given the assurance and impression that he knew all about farming (which the New Farmer also insisted that he also know all about farming) then the blame should be shouldered by the New Representative. The New Farmer insisted that with another Representative, he would be able to do better. The Locality (a bunch of squashed grapes) by its own virtue had consented to the New Farmer’s demand and as in the case of the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers; the New Representative (now a really squashed big grape!) was also removed. The Other Representative also claimed that he knew all about farming and much more besides whilst in actual fact he was very close to the Locality’s better half and had utilized the better half to recommend him as the Best Representative cum Farmer around. So, the Best Representative cum Farmer took on the job of supervising the New Farmer and The Farm. And what did he do? Of course similar to the previous New Representative, the Representative cum Farmer literally gave some choice jobs to his friends too. Has anything changed? Not much though. Meanwhile, the New Farmer was bestowed with all sorts of Honors and Awards thus reinforcing the impression that he is the best farmer in the locality. And, to strengthen all this, the New Farmer had made homage to the Holy Farm and giving the impression that besides being a well-skilled farmer, he is also a most holy farmer, one without failures, constraints and shortcomings. If there were failures at the Farm, it’s not because of him; it was because the other junior farmers particularly the remnants who could not execute his brilliant farming methods and ideas. If there issues, it’s not because of him and the new junior and new assistant farmers, it was due to those farmers that he had inherited. In other words, to quote his favorite phrase, it was a matter of legacy, legacy issues etc. Real holy man does not broadcast that they are holy; rather, it would be the people surrounding him who would say that whether one is holy or otherwise. Anyway, the New Farmer was known previously at the previous farm and other farms before that as one who favors the fruits of nightlife and enjoyment. In fact, he was once caught by his better half for having relations, and had apparently repented and promised his better half that he would turn over a new leaf hence the portrayal of being a holy farmer. He did indeed turn a new leaf over! As the saying goes, “A dog even if it does not consume s*h*t, will nevertheless smell it”. And this was what happened to the New Farmer. But this is another story altogether.
  7. 7. PART II The Ballad of The Reformation PART II The Ballad of the Reformation
  8. 8. After the previous Farmer was sacked by the Locality (a bunch of brown nosers) and the New Representative (who had the biggest brown nose), somehow the farming community was affected by a blight. Some called it The Blight of the Lard and all farms were affected, big and small; near and far. The New Representative who had brought along the New Farmer was in a quandary. What to do … what to do … what to do? The New Representative had ordered the New Farmer to develop farming strategies to counter the Blight of the Lard otherwise both of them might not last long in the Farm. Instead of allowing the New Farmer to institute the farm’s machinery to implement its strategic planning process, true to form (as the New Representative had professed that he knew all about farming to all and sundry), he had instead employed Farm and Farming Experts to execute what the New Representative had called Farm Reformation. And so the Farm and Farming Expert went all around the farm and talked to all. Actually they did not talk to anyone at all. The Farm and Farming Expert had gotten hold of a previously developed document outlining the possible farm and farming transformations by the dismissed 4 Senior Assistant Farmers (portrayed as not making the cut). Thanks to them the work of the Farm and Farm Expert was cut short. As usual, the Farm and Farming Experts were blessed with the gift of the gab. Combined with the power of the digital, the Farm Reformation Document was completed. It was an amazing document, full of spreadsheet and data. The graphics were beautiful with the latest technicolor and full of glitz. Thus the New Representative laid claim to the Farm Reformation Document and had waylaid the New Farmer who had lost the initial war as he could not muster the might to employ the Farm and Farming Experts that had cost the farm close to 5 million sacks of rice and a few sacks of tapioca. And so that was how the famed Farm Reformation Document was developed. Unfortunately, the 4 Senior Assistant Directors could not lay claim since they were not paid and hence there was no evidence that they had developed the initial idea of the Transformation. The Farm Reformation was ceremoniously paraded to the Locality (a bunch of fermented rice and tapioca). The Locality had lapped what was paraded and presented to them and was full of glee and had praised the New Representative to no end … what genius, what priceless art … what brown nosers we are! Even the New Farmer had also praised and was full of awe of the Farm Reformation Document. In fact, the New Farmer had laid-out a Road Tour to parade and to present the Farm Reformation Document which by now already inlaid with gold and gilt including sapphires and diamonds and therefore becoming more priceless by the day (not because of the content but because of the cover and inlays). All the farm’s employees were awestricken by the cover and the gold and the diamonds. By the end of the road tour, a survey had been carried-out to gauge the reaction of the farm’s employees. The survey unsurprisingly said all were amazed at the
  9. 9. beauty of the document but were not terribly sure about the contents. Some had said the document were akin to a fairy tale, some were very sure that it was a novel, whilst some others did not care since the document was so beautiful. Anyway, the New Farmer reported to the New Representative that all employees were awed and amazed by the document! Again, the New Representative patted himself on the back for a job well done. But … the Farm Reformation Document did not tell how the transformation could be carried out! The New Representative and New Farmer were at a quandary. How to execute … how to execute … how to execute? Ha! Why don’t we “execute” the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers instead as it was them who had put the seed of thoughts inside the document? And so it was, the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers were “executed”. The Farm Transformation Document anyhow would require transformation as the execution strategy was not complete. The New Representative could not by now request the Locality (a bunch of local’s yokels) for additional sacks of rice and tapioca to extend the services of the Farm and Farming Experts as by now the kitty must be preserved as it was running low very fast. Thus, the New Farmer by a stroke of genius and holy awareness suggested, rather, shove down the throat of the New Representative that setting up a Reformation Field would be able to formulate the necessary initiatives and programs to be able to realize the virtues of the Transformation Document. It was suggested that a Wizard and Magician known in the region as Doctor Philosopher Sammy Davis the Third who was famous for making a mountain out of a molehill, a river out of a stream, an ocean out of a pond, a mansion out of a room, and a book out of a sentence. And so the Wizard and Magician who is also a doctor and philosopher, was at the farm. And the first thing he did was to call all the farm employees and to give his now famous address … whilst he can transform a sentence into a book, at that occasion, perhaps let down by his Djins and Cherubs, his intended verbosity became a squeak. Henceforth, he was known as the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician. Apparently the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician had many acquaintances at the farm. He was very skilled at the art of Flog an ancient game of wizardry and magic which requires one to maneuver a miniscule enchanted grizzly orb into an equally enchanted and miniscule aperture with various enchanted and magical staff. Many days and months were spent by the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician playing the ancient game of Flog and since he wanted to have a sense of superiority, had on many occasions invited some of the farm’s junior assistant farmers to partake in the flog too. Well, as expected, the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician triumphed over all and he savored that feeling of superiority endlessly. And so, this feeling of Flog superiority was carried-over to the farm too by the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician! He had forgotten that the world of farms and farming is totally different
  10. 10. than the world of wizardry and Flog!!! Inadvertently, he had alienated those acquaintances that he had nurtured and triumphed from the game of Flog. Thus, to circumvent this unexpected situation, he had convinced the New Farmer to agree to give him the mandate and authority to employ junior wizards and junior magicians and missed the point that he should employ junior and associate farmers instead. Lo and behold! Even with his magic and wizardry he could not transform the Reformation since his junior wizards and junior magicians had been putting spells and chants rather than to till the farm. No wonder he could not transform the Reformation. And so the Wizard and Magician and his entourage was banished and was never again heard in the Locality. Did the Reformation Document able to be transformed? That would be deliberated later.
  11. 11. PART III The Ballad of The Hangers
  12. 12. Part III The Ballad of the Hangers The transformation of the Reformation was the key to the Farm. The New Representative (who had done no farming at all), the New Farmer (who had asked others to farm), the Farm and Farming Experts (who gave the impression that they had farmed) and the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician (who thought he could use magic and wizardry to farm) all had staked their reputations and life on the Reformation Document. By this time, the Reformation Document was further embellished. More colors were added from technicolor to multicolor. More inlays were added from one lay to many lays. More diamonds were added from diamonds to triamonds and sometimes quadmonds. Even the covers were not spared. All the colors, lays and monds were also applied to the cover. By the end the cover could not be distinguished from the very popular periodical Yoby-Alp which was known to be glitzy and full of blings. Did the Reformation Document able to be transformed? Indeed it was transformed! And many are now more concerned about how the colors, lays and monds than what lay between the covers. So, some had suggested that the contents to be also colored, layed and monded too. So, the New Farmer, who by this time was saddled with the Reformation Document since the New Representative had conveniently disowned the Document and had transferred the ownership to the New Farmer, had formed an outfit called the Hangers to further transform the Reformation Document. The Hangers had in a magical stroke transformed the Reformation Document by hanging it upside down and transformed it into Document Reformation. Thus that was how the supposedly Reformation Document being transformed into Document Reformation and no effort and resource was spared to ensure that the Document was being reformed. By this time, the Junior Assistant Farmers, Assistant Farmers, Associate Farmers and Farmhands were much too busy farming and had left the transformation activities to the New Senior Assistant Farmers. They had to make certain that the farm continued being farmed and the plants, vegetables and produce sold to generate income to support all the farm employees. In any case the Hangers were not interested in all these farmers since they are hangers and hangers do not mix with farmers. Hangers by nature hang all the time. It is by default therefore that what they do would hang. Their processors hanged in all instances and thus they could not come out with the Reformation Document and thus transformed it into Document Reformation instead. Their workstations hanged all the time since they had hanged elsewhere instead. Their psyches hanged all the time too as they purposely hanged them as the essence of being cool that is let the farmers utilize theirs instead. Their demeanors were the epitome of coolness. They always look cool. All the farmers and farmhands had their garb of consistent affirmation whilst they had their cool and nonchalant outfit. One can really spot a Hanger by the demeanor and outfit which were nothing like what the farmers and farmhand had. If one were not careful, one might in fact be mistaken that the Hanger could be either the New Farmer or the New Representative (except
  13. 13. that the New Representative was truly inflated and most probably could not be a Hanger as he would not be able to hang as elegantly as the Hangers!). The Hangers were adept at hanging anywhere, everywhere and all the time. They could hang hours on hand with extreme elegance and with nonchalance. In fact they had transformed hanging into an art. They could hang effortlessly and with the grace of an acrobat. In fact they had over the period transformed themselves into Acrobatic Hangers. And, just like Adobe Acrobat© they could transform themselves as anybody something akin to shape-shifters. One day they may be Hangers. On another day they may be Wizards. Still another day they may Magicians. They might even be able to imitate Expert Farmers. But what they could not transform to were basic farmers because being basic farmers is difficult. Basic farmers must do basic farming first and foremost and only after many years of being basic farmers can they become farmers of caliber and skilled with all the experiences and tribulations behind them. Even with all these, the skilled farmers may still require other implements such as rapiers and mallets besides shovels and spades to execute their farming know-how to the fullest and knowing how to manipulate and utilize these implements require additional effort and time. But the Hangers have neither the inclination nor patience of being basic farmers. They viewed that being basic farmers were beneath them. People who were members of the exclusive club of professional Shape Shifters or Oxbridge cannot be basic farmers. Intellectually they are of a different level. Talking about farms and farming is not complex enough for their well-tune mind and intellect. They much rather converse and indulge in simulations, postulations, hypotheses, conjectures, conceptions, sensitivities of farms and farming rather than the real act of making a farm do farming. Thus the Hangers leeched on to the New Farmer and the New Representative as though they were of the same mould and species. Perhaps they were because the New Farmer thought he was a Shape Shifter and the New Representative thought he was from Oxbridge (he may sound like he was from Oxbridge but his mould exposed him that he was from Penangbridge). Now the Hangers have the Farm and the Resources contained within at their disposal to do their bidding. So they had unequivocally instructed the minion farmers to do their bidding and to be at their disposal in whatever circumstances. In fact they had behaved as though they were the New Farmer and one Hanger was so skillful at shape shifting that sometimes the minion farmers oftentimes mistook him as the New Representative and had inadvertently did his bidding without much further thought as they were too fearful and much troubled at the sight of the New Representative as his wobbling was very much intimidating. The more he wobbled the more anguish he would convey. Nobody could stand it as the anguish is akin to a tooth-ache … numbing sensation all the time and excruciating pain throughout. What choice did the minion farmers had than just to abide what was demanded? Whenever and wherever the New Farmer went, the Hangers would be there. They would be at the foreground with what they thought was grace and poise and with their glitzy outfit they became the backdrop of any occasion that the New Farmer had thought of.
  14. 14. On one occasion, the New Farmer wanted to execute a Farm Appraisal and in this particular case a mill. So the minion farmers were there and demonstrated how to scrub abd scour the mill’s implements and utensils which was particularly grubby and mucky exercise. The New Farmer with his gravelly voice had intoned that the work being demonstrated were not good enough and had disparaged and censured the minion farmers. At the previous farm where the New Farmer was before, he claimed that the mill was like a mirror that he could see his face every day. He was disappointed that he could not see his face at this mill. The Hangers with glee were recording the remonstrations and reprimands and flashes were everywhere as numerous cameras were snapping away at these minion farmers who were stunned and frozen with disgrace and humiliation at this public censure. The Junior Wizards and Magicians were still around and had joined in this merriment. They were twirling their wands and were conjuring minor lightning to supplement the cameras flash units. Merrily after such appraisals, there would be numerous and duplicate report, assessments and narrations from The many Hangers, Junior Wizards and Magicians to the same minion farmers all demanding immediate actions, countermeasures, simulations, postulations, hypotheses, conjectures, conceptions, sensitivities and follow-up summits so that the Hangers and their band of Wizards and Magicians would be able to outdo each other in pointing out the shortcomings, limitations, deficiencies and failures of the minion farmers. Thereafter they would present their version of the same thing but because of their Oxbridge lineage, the New Farmer had accepted the Hangers’ version instead. These would continue on and on and on and on until one day ….
  15. 15. PART IV The Farmers Action Response Team FART
  16. 16. Part IV Farmers Action Response Team - FART As is usual with a farm of this size, by the sheer number of employees and farmers as well as the sheer size of the farm, the Farmers Action Response Team or FART would congregate on a weekly basis to review the Farm’s operations and to strategize on how to improve the Farm’s performance. Now, only Farmers who have met the specific hierarchical standings and requirements would qualify to be members of FART. In actual fact, the Members of FART could only be appointed by the New Representative and the members of FART should actually be representing the Farm’s main activities such as the Realm Minion Resource, the Realm of Compost and Dung, the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker, the Realm of Decree and Diktat, the Realm of Wizard and Magician, the Realm of Wangle and Finagle, the Realm of Communal Conjectures, the Realm of Concoction and Conception, the Realm of Jumble and Rummage, The Realm of Hangers and of course the Realm of Farming. The FART was managed by the troupe of Buffoons. The Head of the Buffoons would circulate to all the Realms of the impending FART and would inscribe in his pompous words and script the agenda which inexorably be dictated by the New Farmer. More often than not the agenda would for all intent and purpose to deliberate issues that the New Representative had enquired from the New Farmer. Inevitably the FART would meet at the appointed hour. And the day before the appointed hour the Head of the Buffoon would twiddle his instructions in his Blackberry© and shoot them off to all the Heads of the Realms. The Chief Buffoon would take the liberty to spice-up the instructions with his own interpretations of the agenda and would request at the last minute his own requirements which in most instances the Heads of the Realms could not respond to and some of them chose to ignore completely. However, the Head of Farming would not ignore such late instructions because by training, he would endeavor to complete all tasks within the stipulated framework. Because of this, the Chief Buffoon, sometimes for his own amusement would at the possible last moment notify the Head of Farming that FART would require various permutations and details of farming. Now, at the meeting the Head of Farming was ready with his reports and information but until the end nobody in FART actually required the reports or information. Of course, the Head Buffoon pretended that the New Farmer was indisposed to deliberate such items. This continued on and on. The Head of Farming also continued to amuse the Head Buffoon by complying since all of the requests were really at the Head of Farming fingertips. At the FART’s meeting all sorts of items were discussed and deliberated. The most popular item being what would the New Representative bring to the BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees’ Dialogues) Meeting with the Locality. This BORED Meeting would be scheduled by the Head Buffoon too. Being a Buffoon, he could not resist scamming the heads of the Realms in particular the Head of the Minion Resource. And so, at every FART Meeting the Head Buffoon and the Head of Minion Resource would trade words and idioms and ramblings. The Head Buffon thought that he was a member of FART which in actual fact he was not. He was
  17. 17. there only because as a Buffoon he was to act as a glorified court jester mainly to jot down all the yarns, gags, fictions, legends and gossips at the FART Meeting. The Head Buffoon did not actually do this instead, to glorify his position (as he was not a full member of FART) Apparently the Head Buffoon and the New Representative used to be employed by the Farming Co-Operative Regulatory Federation. Hence, oftentimes at the FART Meeting, the Head Buffoon sometimes acted as though he was the New Representative. In actual fact the Head Buffoon was one of the species of Hangers who had become very much adept at being a shape-shifter. So, whenever the opportunity arose, the Head Buffoon would pose as the New Representative. But because he did this so often, none of the Heads of Realms would put any notice any more. The FART Meeting was usually very lively as nothing strategic or futuristic was deliberated. Food and drinks was bountiful and as the FART Meeting usually was very long, lunch was always provided. As the FART Meeting progresses all the Heads of the Realms were munching away the food and slurping up the drinks except the Head of Farming because by nature he insist himself to follow whatever was being discussed (gossiped) and deliberated (chattered). And so they talked about the length of the farmhands’ vests. They talked about the color of the farmhands’ vests. They talked about how some the farmhands who had paraded the vests were quite gorgeous and stunning and maybe they should also parade for the FART the proposed Heads of Realms’ coat. They talked about how the New Farmer’s plan to visit the Farm. The Head of the Hanger was in his element is proposing the program and what the farm minions should do to pay homage to the New Farmer since the Farm, according to the Hanger Head, had improved with the advent of the New Farmer’s address when he first came to the Farm. The Minion Resource Head retorted that the minions were in awe at the New Farmer’s verbose speech and intellectual understanding of the Farm and his superlative plans for future improvements. The Head of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker talked and proposed about her proposed media program and how the New Farmer should be portrayed. Majority of the Realm Heads were in agreement that the New Farmer should be in all the media whether in print or broadcast as he was the savior of the Farm. Without him, the Farm would not survive let alone prosper. At this juncture, the Buffoon Head would interject that the New Representative should also be given similar if not more exposure than the New Farmer. Thinking and viewing ahead of the BORED Meeting, the New Farmer decided that the exposure for the New Representative should be more than him and at this the Buffoon Head flashed a smile. The Head Wizard and Magician meanwhile were casting spells and charms before he utters his words (remember that he was the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician). As he was about to utter his words, a mouse ran all over the floor and he could not control himself and squeaked, and squeaked and squeaked and pipped and pipped and pipped until the FART Meeting adjourned.
  18. 18. Since the Head Wizard and Magician had squeaked and pipped, the Head of Composts and Dung took opportunity of the bewilderment to put in his two cents worth, the Farm’s program of how to consolidate all the composts and dungs so that they could become more aromatic and pungent and would give the Farm the necessary aroma that the Head Compost and Dung had believed was missing. The New Farmer decreed that indeed this was noble proposition and had instructed the Head of Concoction and Conception to do a trial at one of the smaller fields and requested the Head of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker to prepare a media blitz on this program. The Head of Communal Conjectures and Wangle and Finagle were asked to provide the strategic direction and budgetary plan for this proposal whilst the Head of Decree and Diktat was asked if she could explore the possibility of patenting this program. The Jumble and Rummage Heads were not particularly interested in the proceedings as his proceeds from the jumble and rummage was more than adequate since the Farm’s produce were selling by itself. In all of these none of the Heads had taken the initiative to solicit the opinion of the Farming Head as to whether the aroma is very pertinent to the farming in general, or, whether the current composts and dungs were performing as what they had committed. And in reality, to implore whether some of the composts needed to be changed and most of the dungs needed to be revamped and constituted, or alternative dungs should be pursued even. And so the FART Meetings continued as though the world was revolving around them and the rest of the world was waiting for them. The Buffoon Head continued to buffoon, the Minion resource Head continued to minion, the Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker Head continued to tittle-tattle and nose around, the Compost and Dung Head continued to compost and spread dung, the Communal Conjecture Head continued to conjecture communally, the Wizard and Magician Head continued to cast spells but ended up pipsqueaking, the Concoction and Conception Head continued to concoct and concept, the Jumble and Rummage Head instead continued to jumble, the Wangle and Finagle Head continued to wangle and finagle, the Hanger Head continued to hang but not himself, the Decree and Diktat continued to decree; all according to the refrain of the New Farmer. And the only Head that actually did anything of value was the Farming Head because he continued to farm as what Farm was supposed to do.
  19. 19. PART V The BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues) Meeting
  20. 20. Part V The BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues) Meeting The FART headed by the New Farmer consisted of the following realms, the Realm of Minion Resource, the Realm of Compost and Dung, the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker, the Realm of Decree and Diktat, the Realm of Wizard and Magician, the Realm of Wangle and Finagle, the Realm of Communal Conjectures, the Realm of Concoction and Conception, the Realm of Jumble and Rummage, The Realm of Hangers and of course the Realm of Farming. The FART Meetings in essence were held not because the New Farmer wanted to convey and bestow his wisdom, acumen, prudence, astuteness and know-how to various realms by means of the Heads (presumably brain too!), but rather as a means to foster, cultivate and nurture the New Farmer’s apparent acuity in the world of farming and the ancillary pursuits of farming. Thus the FART was in effect a self-serving receptacle for the New Farmer one that he might steer according to his whims and fancies. Certainly, the New Farmer with the Hanger Head in particular would contrive the outcome of the FART whilst seemingly debating, deliberating, pondering the matter for resolution. A case in point was the debate of the Farm’s aroma and how consolidating the compost and dungs would be able to achieve that certain aroma that the New Farmer had been pursuing. The FART Meeting was alive and shimmering with intellect in the now legendary “The Farm with the Aromatic Compost and Dung” manuscript. The BORED Meeting was scheduled by the Buffoon Head and a fortnight prior to the BORED Meeting, the Realm of the Buffoon was indeed very hectic, frantic and frenzied in preparation for the BORED Meeting who were essentially representatives of the Locality (a bunch of retired folks who had nothing better to do or nothing else to do). But why were the buffoons very hectic and frenetic? The documents were not done nor were they originating from them? So why were they so frenzied? Their actual job in essence was just being a glorified clerk, no not true at all, glorified office helper, yes!!!!! Compiling and stapling and inserting all the readily prepared documents in duplicates of 14! Still, why were they so frantic and chaotic? Certainly stapling and inserting 14 sets of documents into a file would not be mind-blowing nor would it be physically taxing! Anyway the buffoons and its Head were wild and chaotic and spent endless hours within the fortnight before the BORED Meeting preparing. What was the bunch of buffoons preparing? In fact the buffoons inadvertently would exceed their monthly overtime every time the BORED Meeting was scheduled to be held. Within the months after the New Farmer was appointed and the New Representative was installed, the BORED Meeting was scheduled to be held every month! Other meetings such as those related to the decree and diktat, wizard and magician as well jumble and rumble were also scheduled to be held on a monthly basis. Still, those documents related to these were drafted, reviewed and finalized by themselves and 14 sets were copied and stapled and punched and would be ready for insertion into the massive files for the BORED Members. Apparently the BORED Members, whilst giving the impression that they were bored, had actually insisted on exhaustive and comprehensive and wordy documents hence giving the notion that they were a bunch of thorough group of professionals. Still, this did
  21. 21. not explain why the buffoons were extremely hectic so much so that the Head Buffoon was still a bachelor (not very certain though whether he was of the “other” kind)! Oftentimes, the Members of the BORED would also insist that the Documents be prepared days ahead and sent to their abodes prior to the BORED Meeting. Still this would be done by the couriers or the farm-boys and as the practice, the documents would be prepared by the Realms in duplicates of 14, sized A4, punched and stapled. Again this could not explain why the buffoons were extremely agitated and frenzied during this period. The Documents were requested in duplicates of 14. Initially, the Realms did not even question why the required duplicates were in 14. The Members of the BORED were 7 in all. The New Farmer and Head Buffoon were 2. So the total was 9. Where would the 5 duplicates go to? This mystery was resolved when one day the “Old Newspaper” Van came along and stopped near the buffoons’ office and lo and behold, tons of the duplicates were loaded onto the van. The whereabouts of the deposits of the proceeds of the sales of the duplicates were not known. When asked, the buffoons retorted that there were no actual sales; they were merely cleaning out the unwanted wastes. But, in the first place why request 14 duplicates? The New Farmer, after being informed, did not want any investigations done, but instead applauded the buffoons for practicing 5S (Sneak, Skulk, Stalk, Shadow and Spew). Thus the 14 duplicates had become standard practice. Now, the mysterious behaviors of the buffoons come every BORED Meeting was continuing. Since none of the Heads of the Realms attended any of the BORED Meetings, nobody would know the goings-on inside the BORED Meeting excepting of course the New Farmer and the Buffoon Head. The New Farmer, upon being newly appointed to the Farm had within months (before the “execution” of the Senior Assistant Farmers) requested to the New Representative that he wanted to visit the Sacred Farm to get blessings and be purified and thus would be able to assert and declare devout status. The New Representative did not really care about such things as he himself felt that being an Oxbridge (whilst actually being a Penangbridge) was far superior than being a Holy Farmer. Thus the New Representative consented to his request but as the next BORED Meeting was around the corner, he insisted the New Farmer that “somebody” from the Farm must find a proxy. The New Farmer readily agreed and had appointed the Head of Farming. The Head of Farming, during the interim period when the Farm was without a Farmer, had been appointed as the caretaker. Apparently, the Head of Farming and the New Representative came from the same alma mater. During those days, the Head of Farming had always been ahead of the New Representative in all aspects, studies, sports and extra- curricular activities; such that the New Representative was full of envy. The New Representative’s family was very much well to do but in this alma mater, it ability that counted. So, for the five years in the alma mater, the New Representative was full of resentment and had begrudged the Head of Farming always. Thus when, he became the New Representative of the Farm and had “surpassed” the Head of Farming, he was full of glee and had gloated when he announced that he had appointed the Head of Farming as the interim Farmer Caretaker. In the ensuing months when
  22. 22. the BORED Members of which the New Representative was the Principal BORE, were looking as it were for a New Farmer, he never once proposed to the BORED Members that the Head of Farming was probably the best candidate around. The Head of Farming (or the Senior Assistant Farmer) had been in the Farm since its inception and had in fact cleared the farm for farming. Most of the farming processes and procedures including the multitudes of technological adoptions and adaptations were planned and implemented by him with a team of dedicated farmers. Before being made the Head of Farming, he had been the Head of Communal Conjectures and the Head of Concoction and Conception as well as being junior farmer for many years. Anyway, as the New Farmer was in the Sacred Farm endeavoring to become a Holy Farmer, the poor Head of Farming were in the BORED Meeting representing the New Farmer. The mystery of the buffoons’ agitations and frantic behaviors were immediately known at the start of the meeting. Ostensibly, the Buffoon Head whilst reading the Minutes was persistently interrupted by the Members of the BORED. Seemingly, the minutes were not accurate, most ‘factual’ (if you could call it so) items were missing, grammars and spellings were abundantly errors, etc. etc. Thus, the Head of Buffoons were chided and all sorts of innuendoes pertaining to his marital status were thrown but never once were he reprimanded. And, the BORED Meeting continued and the Head of Farming was reprimanded for having attended the meeting and for having the impudence to pretend as though he was the New Farmer. Now, the New Representative had mentioned that the New Farmer was doing his sacred journey, so had suggested that the Head of Farming to represent him. The BORED Members however, felt that the Head of Wangle and Finagle should be in instead. When explained that the Head of Wangle and Finagle was on emergency leave (which he did all the time and seemingly was always on some emergency errands all the time), the Members of the BORED had relented and the meeting proceed smoothly. But, the mystery continued to unravel. Whilst the Head of Buffoon was there, he was merely content to muse in his reveries since he had his Junior Buffoon there too to take down the proceedings and account, not by writing notes but through the recording of the proceedings. As it turned out, the Junior Buffoon were not very well versed in the language of the Farm and is usually the case, verbatim recordings would be very difficult to transcribe days and weeks after the event. So, the frantic and hectic behaviors of the buffoons in particular the Buffoon Head still continued because the BORED Member actually would like something to do in the meeting and had enjoyed and rejoiced in rebuking the Head Buffoon jovially and had not requested any improvement in the jot and note taking of the meeting’s minutes or hours as the case usually was.
  23. 23. PART VI Members of The BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)
  24. 24. Part VI Members of the BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues) Now, Members of the BORED were practically senior citizens and some were extremely senior citizens and most of them were from the Locality’s Ancillary Regions and Provinces and had mainly dealt in Formulating Rules and Regulations related to chattels, capital, edicts and decrees. So they were not too familiar with the language and workings of the Farm. Nevertheless, by applying ‘business acumen’ and ‘common sense’ they had managed to slog along and gave the impression that they were the ‘experts’ at farming. What had transpired normally would be for the Farm’s Senior Assistant Farmer to enlighten the Members of the BORED on the Farm’s Activities and Initiatives and the Consequences and Results arising from them, numerically and financially. The New Representative, Ozlon the Obese, would then, fondle his whiskers, and as though deep in thought would take some time to digest, then consolidate and finally comprehend what were being presented. He would then summarize and proffer a proclamation as though they were ‘pearls of wisdom’ short of being a decree. He would then proceed to request the other Members of the BORED for their esteemed opinions. All too often, the Members of the BORED would give their assent to the proffered proclamation. None had had the sense to solicit the views of the Senior Assistant Farmer who had actually prepared and presented to them the briefs. Of course none of the Members of the BORED including the New Representative actually would seek the opinion of the New Farmer since they knew that the New Farmer was also one of them that was one of the ‘expert feigners’. Hence, more often than not, what was intended was not what had being transpired. Many of the Members of the BORED had commandeered some of the succinct and inspiring proposals and ideas presented by the Senior Assistant and Junior Farmers and funnily when presented by them to the New Representative had suddenly sprouted new life into them. The modus operandi of the papers (14 copies in all and in color), were that the papers must be submitted 2 weeks in advance of the BORED Meeting. The rationale was that the Members of the BORED and in particular the New Representative would like to review and analyze the papers so that the actual BORED Meeting would be spent deliberating and debating the proposals. Well did this happen? Not by a long chance. The Members of the BORED never did read the papers. Their motivation was to scan the papers and decide which to be commandeered so that the paper seemed to originate from them. At the actual BORED Meeting, after being briefed, the New Representative or one of the BORED Members would read the papers line-by-line and word-by-word. Thereafter, the New Representative would scratch his whiskers and after seemingly a long time would proffer his proclamation or proclamations. One particular BORED Member, Jabba the Jaded, was assigned to the task of appraising and reviewing the Farm’s Accounts and he took the job almost to the point of nonsensical. He chaired the meeting and brought it to order at 5:00 p.m., adjourned the meeting twice and continued until 4:00 a.m. and then continued the meeting at 8:00 a.m. As it turned out
  25. 25. he was the only one meeting himself since he read the reports line by line and made the comments and took notes by himself since by this time the Buffon Head had slept with his eyes wide open. The rest of the BORED Members, well, they were bored beyond belief and almost to death. All this would not be too bad since the Members were excellent feigners – looking interested but looking at nothing instead! But, Jabba the Jaded was indeed very jaded as his voice was so faint that most would have fainted if not being expert feigners. This would go on and on and on and on … Why were the adjournments? Well, Jabba the Jaded was known to have a liking for the “Lighted Sticks” and in fact most Members of the Bored including the New Farmer were connoisseurs of the “Lighted Sticks”. So silently they were relieved for the breaks and enjoyed the time to become aficionados of and adherents of the “Lighted Stick”. Another Member of the BORED, Zed the Zorro, thought himself as the mighty and expert implement master just because he had a few swords and had ridden a few horses. Inadvertently, at the BORED Meeting he would bore everybody with his exploits of being an implement master and a horseman (not a farm’s implement master nor a farm man!) and how he could improve the Farm’s by being a wheedle and a wangle. What the Farm requires were real and tested engineers. Nevertheless, the Members of the BORED could not differentiate really between an engineer, a wheedle and a wangle. So Zed to Zorro could happily wheedled and wangled not only in the BORED Meeting but he managed to wheedle and wangle himself into the Farm’s Farming Meetings. He was into his element, wheedling and wangling himself into areas whilst unknown to him would simply referred to his horse and implements and coaxed the Farmers to go all-out with his decrees. Thus, some of the Farm’s initiatives were held back because Zed the Zorro thought that they were not to his reference. Zen the Shearer was another Member of the BORED who was previously employed as the Farm’s external reviewer. He however had many stand-offs with the previous Farmer (who had been sacked perhaps due to his information). Zen the Shearer was an expert exhumer of secrets which was rather improper as he had at one time being the Chief Adviser of an outfit called The Thought Builder. At that point in time the clients of the Thought Builder were mainly from the Locality and mainly dealt with developing oblique and implicit rules and regulations and edicts. Thus, he was appointed at the Farm’s BORED since the New Representative knew him from the days of the thought Builder and also because he was formerly employed as the external reviewer and thus had all sorts of documents and information. Zen the Shearer enjoyed himself immensely by belittling the Senior Assistant Farmers and Assistant Farmers by highlighting how his Sago was sagging, how his Persimmon was pulpy and all sorts of nitty- gritty items that would not make a difference to the Farm’s operations. Thus at the BORED Meeting he continued to harps about how the Farm was not up-to-the-mark and continues to nitpick and disparage the Farmers whilst not offering any solutions to the supposed problems that the Farm had. And, true to form, as he was formerly an adviser, when pressed, what better proposal than to suggest that the Farm employ an Adviser to advice on things that require advice. Henceforth, the Farm was populated with all sorts of advisers. There were actually many more Members of the BORED but suffice to record here that with Members of the ilk of Ozlon the Obese, Jabba the Jaded, Zed the Zorro and Zen the Shearer,
  26. 26. other members were not that different in genre or culture. So, the Farm was in the spiral of decline ever since.
  27. 27. PART VII Operation of the SHIT (Suppliers Hiring Intent Team)
  28. 28. Part VII The Operation of the SHIT - Suppliers Hiring Intent Team The Farm being huge and residing in many localities certainly require a lot of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives to make it run properly. Thus, due to the sheer quantity of materials and resource, a team was set up by the New Farmer headed by the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures whose job was to obtain and procure or rather get hold of the best materials and resources available from the vicinity and environs of the Farm. The vicinity and environs of the Farm were full of suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and natives because when the Farm were set-up since time immemorial, the Locality had made it obligatory that the Farm develop and cultivate these institutions of suppliers, vendor, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors and the odd Ah Long One here and there. Most of these suppliers, vendors, etc. were opportunists as they did not actually develop the odds and ends, scraps, etc. but instead had become prosperous by becoming intermediaries and had slapped-on huge margins for every odds and ends, scraps, etc. as each every one of the suppliers, vendors, etc. had monopolistic trades and able to dictate the commercial arrangements, which was rather odd as the Farm should have the final say. However, those suppliers, vendors, etc. who had actually followed the decree and diktat of the Locality to the letter, were under huge pressures as they had to invest, develop, validate, verify and manufacture the odds and ends, scraps, etc. according to the Farm’s outlines and blueprints. They were even under huge pressures because the SHIT more often than not had decreed that suppliers, vendors, etc. that chose to develop technologies and skills, were allocated smaller shares of the odds and ends, scraps etc. whilst meeting lower costs. Indeed, the inner workings of the SHIT was a mystery to all except to the New Farmer as he was the Chairman of SHIT, and the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, as he was the Vice Chairman of SHIT. You could say that these two were running SHIT as though they were the owners of SHIT. SHIT was formed by the New Farmer and somehow agreed upon by the Head of Communal Conjectures Realm with the aim of trying to be more transparent and accountable for the decisions made. Thus, the Members of SHIT were also Heads of Compost and Dung, Concoction and Conception, Wizard and Magician and of course Farming. If the SHIT Chairman could have his way, he would not appoint the Head of the Realm of Farming but he had no choice. But, the Heads of Compost and Dung, Concoction and Conception and Wizard and Magician including the SHIT Vice Chairman were the mouthpieces of the SHIT Chairman cum New Farmer. And so it was that all decisions were made even with objections from the Realm of Farming since the majority ruled and the majority was always right! Moreover, the SHIT Meeting was always called to order when the Head of the Realm of Farming was not available or was away, so the SHIT Meeting always flowed smoothly.
  29. 29. Henceforth, many suppliers, vendors, etc. were allotted and appointed to deliver odds and ends, scraps etc. to the Farm who were not really suppliers, vendors, etc. but rather opportunists and intermediaries. More puzzling was that these suppliers, vendors, etc. were even given Tier 1 Status and had other suppliers, vendors, etc. under their ‘control’ and “direction’. The SHIT Vice Chairman did not actually prepare nor review the SHIT Paper for the debate at the SHIT Meeting as well as for the SHIT Chairman’s approval. He had an Assistant SHIT who did all the administrative and management for the SHIT Meeting. This Assistant used to be employed by the Farm and was in the PUB (Procurement Unit & Buying). The Head of the PUB had left because he had “formed” a vendor, called Outgross, and had sole supplier status to the Farm and he therefore had no choice but to leave to manage the vendor so that he can ‘dictate’ the ‘margins’. Similarly, the Head of the PUB was relying on the PUB Assistant when both of them were at the Farm. Thus, when the PUB Head left, the PUB Assistant also left. So, both of them had enjoyed this “arrangement” with the Farm, ever since with great returns! The Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures was also from the Farm previously. When the Farm was diversifying, it had formed a subsidiary Farm called Pee-Hedge-Anne and the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures was assigned as the Principal. He had almost total control of the subsidiary. The subsidiary was in an enviable position because it had sole supplier rights and could not lose money because the margin was guaranteed by the Farm. And so, Pee-Hedge-Anne was managed by him as though he owned the subsidiary and had his own suppliers, vendors, etc. supplying to Pee-Hedge-Anne and margins were guaranteed too by the Farm. When the New Farmer came on board of the Farm, he had recalled the Principal of Pee- Hedge-Anne to Head the Realm of Communal Conjectures, and he, in turn had recalled the Assistant of Outgross to become the Assistant of SHIT. Henceforth, both Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross had almost unlimited access and opportunities in the Farm. Many new Plants and Produce developed by the Farm that required special compost, fertilizers, soil, etc. were supplied by Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross. However, they (Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross) did not actually produce these compost, fertilizers, soil, etc. but instead had out-sourced to others, the 2nd Tiers instead. But, both Pee- Hedge-Anne and Outgross had insisted and was agreed by the Farm, that the development and validations of these compost, fertilizers and soils, etc. would be invested by the Farm and in fact paid in advance. Thus, both Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross had no risks at all but all the margins to gain for! Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma meanwhile was also in the same advantageous positions as Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross since the New Farmer somehow or rather was “connected” to these two. When the new Multi-Purpose-Grain, MPG, was developed, Pee-Hedge-Anne, Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma were the preferred suppliers even though none of them knew anything about the MPG and how to carry-out the required program. Even more mystifying was that Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma did not have enough resources and were in fact under the administration of the Locality’s Bureau of Commerce and were actually just surviving because of the Farm’s assistance, financially and materially. So, the Farm was
  30. 30. disbursing funds to Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma. The Farm had also dispatched its skilled Farmers to the 2nd Tier Vendors to ensure that the supply of compost, fertilizers and soil etc. could be achieved on time and at the right cost. So in essence Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma were paid for doing nothing. So how could Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma get away with these? It was precisely because of the Assistant SHIT, the SHIT Vice Chairman and the SHIT Chairman transparency and the SHIT Committee’s decisions that allowed suppliers, vendor, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors and the odd Ah Long One to prosper!
  31. 31. PART VIII Realm of Compost and Dung
  32. 32. Part VIII Realm of Compost and Dung Every year, the Farm would around the last quarter, start to initiate the FCUK (Farm’s Commentaries Unanimously Kindred). Almost everybody in the Farm would be involved in this, from the lowest rung of farmhands to the most senior farmers, except for those in the Realms of Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the Buffoon (which was not a Realm but acted as though theirs was a Realm of the Highest Order!). Why this was so would be unraveled as we go along. The FCUK should initially start from the Compost and Dung Realm’s perspective as the Farm’s products eventually would turn into compost if not stored properly or into dung after being ingested. The Realm of Compost and Dung therefore should be the starting point for the FCUK as they would dictate eventually how much of the grains, vegetables, crops and produce would be farmed and produced in the coming year. The Realm of Compost and Dung would assess and reassess the marketplace and determine which grains, vegetables, crops and produce would fare in the coming year and how they would be placed in the marketplace. The Realm of Compost and Dung should also propose to the Farm what kind of grains, vegetables, crops and produce should be improved, developed or removed in accordance to the fancies of the marketplace. Thus all Realms were waiting for the Compost and Dung to come up with the prospective volume and types of grains, vegetables, crops and produce including the variations required to fulfill the wholesalers’, merchants’ and traders’ orders and requirements. Most of the hard information and statistics would actually come from the Realm of Jumble and Rumble as the jurisdiction and diktat of the wholesalers, merchants and traders were actually under the Realm of Jumble and Rumble. Hence most of the work were done by the Jumblers and Rumblers and finessed by the Composters and Dungers. Now, if in the subsequent year, the Market which were serviced by the wholesalers, merchants and traders were doing well, then the Realm of Compost and Dung would bask in the glory and would immediately claimed that the FCUK was framed and postulated by them was the key to the success and accomplishments of the Farm. And, all the Composters and Dungers would be viewed as having achieved the most commendable work and would be bestowed with all sorts of honors. However, if in the subsequent year, the Market were not doing well, the Composters and Dungers would immediately shift the fault to others and more often than not would censure the Realm of Farming instead as the volume and types of grains, vegetables, crops and produce including the variations required to fulfill the wholesalers’, merchants’ and traders’ orders and requirements were not met as the Farmers were not doing their job right. Nothing was focused upon the inaccuracies or fallacies of the volumes and produce being proposed by the Composters and Dungers including the Jumblers and Rumblers in the first place. And still, these Composters and Dungers if not the Jumblers and Rumblers would continue to be bestowed with all sorts of honors for having being able to frame-out the beautifully crafted FCUK Document.
  33. 33. So, most of the Realm were wondering why the Realm of Compost and Dung could get away with ‘murder’ and ‘mayhem’ which any normal Farm could not tolerate. The Head of the Realm and Compost apparently came from the Farm that the New Representative came from too. In fact they practice the same parlance and vernacular typical from the region of the Land- of-the-Tan and the peoples of this land apparently came from the same off-springs. They may not be brothers and sisters, but they were of the same clan. Whenever they were together, they would suddenly switch from one vernacular to the other such that the Farmers would have difficulty to understand what were required. Now, what happened was that the people that made-up the Composters and Dungers were slowly but very surely were being peopled by the people from the Land-of-the-Tan. In fact most of the people from the Land-of-the-Tan from the previous Farm that the New Farmer and the Head of the Realm of the Composters and Dung came from had actually migrated to the Farm. The view was that the existing people were not good enough, so they have to be supplemented by these people instead. But, as it always turned out, these people only survived because they were affiliated to the New Farmer, the Head of the Compost and Dung and that they were the people of the Land-of-the-Tan BUT work they could not do. They could compile reports, they could conjure reports, they could regurgitate reports, but they certainly could not create actual concepts and thoughts, never! So who actually did all those reports? As apparent from the previous narratives, it was none other than the remnants of the people of the Land-of-the-not-so-Tans. Now, more often than not, the Composters and the Dungers with the cooperation of the Jumblers and Rumblers would mutate and metamorphose the reports so that it would seem that they were the originators of the reports including the analyses. The Composers and the Dungers especially the Head of the Realm would proudly present the Reports as the bases for the FCUK. The Realms of Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the Buffoons would clap and shout and hoot to show their signs of approvals and acceptances. The New Farmer (Sage the Holy) and the New Representative (Ozlon the Obese) also followed suit and gave their blessings and consents. Even the Members of the BORED would also give their assents. Hence, the start of the FCUK was full of boisterousness and animated over the top histrionics. Then the actual documentations and preparations of the FCUK papers would commence. And who would be the ‘casualty’? Obviously the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Farming and to a degree the Realm of Communal Conjectures were the ‘real’ workhorses. Hence, the final FCUK Papers were the resultant analyses and commentaries based upon the “Reports” hatched by the Composters and Dungers, would be integrated by the Realm of Wizard and Magicians as the definitive FCUK for ALL to refer to and prepare their own establishment’s positions and state of affairs for the coming year. The presentations of the FCUK were done with a lot of fanfare and flourish. The Head of the Realm of Wizard and Magicians was the Showmaster. The Head of the Realm of the Compost and Dung was in his element basking in the gloriousness of the FCUK Documents and Papers (whilst were not actually originated by him, nevertheless were portrayed as though they were!) and was ably assisted by the Head of the Realm of Jumblers and Rumblers. The Heads of the Realms of Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the Buffoon were merely there as the supporters and every now and then would shout and hoot their assent and consent. However, the detailed operational and working of the FCUK would be presented
  34. 34. by the Heads of the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Farming, and they would actually be probed, interrogated and queried by all and sundry. But, the Heads of Concoction and Conception and Farming knew what they were doing and could withstand all the onslaughts and proddings and would triumph. But, were these not paradoxical? The Reports were the base of the FCUK, the details were based from the Reports, and yet the very same peoples were querying the documents of the concoctions and conceptions and farming? It actually looked as though the New Farmer and the New Representative including the Members of the BORED were conspiring to discredit the Heads of the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Farming as though they were not worthy enough! But, in the end, the FCUK would be endorsed as the defining documents of Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese. Even though, the FCUK would become the defining documents for the New Farmer and the New Representative, come at the end of the year, when the results were different and the targets defined as the SPIT (Strategic Planning Indicators Table) were not met, all fingers were pointing to who? The Farmers and the Realm of Farming of course! Hence, Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese were f*c*k*ed and immediately begin to disown the FCUK and the Composters and the Dungers and the Jumblers and the Rumblers and the Wizards and the Magicians would shift the blame to the Farmers, the Concoctioners and the Conceptioners and had resolved that the SPIT was not achieved not because the initial Reports that the FCUK were bases were faulty, but instead because the Concoctioners and the Conceptioners and especially the Farmers were not adept at translating the FCUK Strategies and Intents into a workable operational programme! So, whilst the SPIT were not met, the Composters and the Dungers were adjudged to have exceeded expectations and were given superlative status and were ascertained to have achieved OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE and all the new people were given dividends and bonuses not known before! In fact all the supporters (Jumblers and Rumblers, Wizards and Magicians, Decrees and Diktats, Hangers and off course the Buffoons) would also be deemed to have achieved superlative performances all except the farmers who actually were doing actual farming! Sage the Holy, the New Farmer and Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative, had convinced the Members of the BORED that the SPIT were not met not because the FCUK were shockingly below par and defective but fundamentally due to the legacy inheritance (system of farming and the farmers) and hence could not be attributed to them. The Members of the BORED who were basically appointed by the New Representative would certainly agree and sanction the raison d'être and rationale of Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese. Thus, the final outcomes were that the Heads of the Realms of Farming and market Concoction and Conception left after being requested by the Members of the BORED at the instigation of Sage the Holy and endorsed by the Ozlon the Obese.
  35. 35. PART IX Realm of Jumble and Rumble
  36. 36. Part IX The Realm of Jumble and Rumble The previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had resigned and left after the appointment of the New Farmer, Sage the Holy, simply because Sage the Holy could not really appreciate the value and significance of good market assessment and reassessment which actually would be able to determine which grains, vegetables, crops and produce would be able to fare well if positioned appropriately in the marketplace. Sage the Holy thought that he knew how to place the grains, vegetables, crops and produce in the marketplace better than the previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble. Sage the Holy could not actually make sense of the multitude of the jumble at the marketplace and the rumbles arising from the wholesalers, merchants and traders that dealt with the multitudes of grains, vegetables, crops and produce and inevitably had erred. And with this kind of situation, Sage the New Holy Farmer, whilst being new and inexperienced, would not admit that he had erred but instead had inferred that the previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had not advised him suitably, accurately and appropriately and hence had made judgments and decisions based upon erroneous advise. Thus, the previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble could not and would not accept to be made a scapegoat and had opted to leave. Henceforth, the New Farmer had taken the portfolio of the Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble. And as he was not proficient in the manners and language of the Jumble and Rumble, the wholesalers, merchants and traders were becoming discontented, cynical and more pessimistic by the day. Thus the data that the New Farmer and the Head of Jumble and Rumble required to formulate the FCUK were not becoming reliable as the wholesalers, merchants and traders did not have enough belief and confidence in the New Farmer, Sage the Holy, and had therefore submit data that were not fully reflective of the marketplace but rather as response to what Sage the Holy and The Head of Jumble and Rumble wanted to see and hear. Hence, the base Reports and the resultant FCUK Documents that finally transformed the SHIT were rather skewed and distorted to attain what Sage the Holy wanted to achieve and the Head of the Jumble and Rumble wanted to develop. The Realm of Jumble and Rumble was without a Head for quite a while since the previous Head had opted to leave as he did not want to become the scapegoat for the New Farmer. The New Farmer had searched and had found yet another of his ally that he thought could fulfill the post of the Head of the Realm. The New Farmer had managed to convince the New Representative of the proficiency, expertise and talent of his ally. The New Representative had in turn managed to convince the Members of the BORED to approve the appointment of the New Head of Jumble and Rumble. The New Head of the Jumble and Rumble had been previously at the Farm of Hone-Dart and at the Farm owned by the Tribe of Yellow-Slant-Eyes, he did not actually execute any jumbling, and, any rumbles did not pass by him. He was merely being the talking head of the local shareholders; the main function was merely to convey to the Tribe of Yellow-Slant-Eyes the wishes of the local shareholders which were immediately ignored as mostly they were twaddles and gobbledygooks. So the New Head was used to be called Sucker the Sap. Prior to
  37. 37. being at the Hone-Dart, he was at the Farm of Drivel-High-Con, and had done nothing similar to ensure Jumbles were carried-out and Rumbles were managed. Prior to that he was at the Farm of Sew-Sew-Key and just a normal minion there but Sucker-the-Sap had portrayed that he was a Key Minion with huge responsibilities that were not elaborated. It was therefore quite an achievement to be able to be appointed as the Head of Jumble and Rumble whilst having managed not to do anything similar to a jumble nor a rumble before. But an ally of the Sage the Holy he was without doubt, and he had mirrored Sage the Holy as far as jumbling and rumblings were concerned which was exactly nothing! Similar to the Realm of the Compost and Dung, the Realm of the Jumble and Rumble were mainly manned by the people of the Land-of-the-Tan and they had also been positioned in the choicest positions of responsibilities and with that perks and remunerations better than the minions that had been working there since the beginning. Since the Realm of the Compost and Dung were also manned by the people from the Land-of-the-Tan, the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had also become the closest of collaborators to the exclusion of others, and more often than not, had missed and ignored better-quality facts and statistics. Thus the collaborative effort of Composters and Dungers, Jumblers and Rumblers, Wizards and Magicians culminating with the FCUK and SPIT had inadvertently missed the point and would eventually not being able to meet the required criteria and benchmarks. The Realm of Jumble and Rumble had at their disposal, thousands of able-bodied wholesalers, merchants and traders, but chose to ignore them. The Jumblers and Rumblers felt that they were superior to the wholesalers, merchants and traders and thus would not believe any data, facts and information that originated from different from what the Jumblers and Rumblers believed were true. The wholesalers, merchants and traders had reacted accordingly by submitting data, facts and information whilst not totally false were doctored to suit the Jumblers ad Rumblers perceptions of the truth. The New Head of Jumble and Rumble, Sucker the Sap, began by recruiting new Jumblers and Rumblers from the New Farmer’s previous farm, the For-Each-Rod-Two, and immediately alienating the wholesalers, merchants and traders. The new bunch of Jumblers and Rumblers as was the culture at For-Each-Rod-Two, would portray that they know everything under the sun, but when came to the real thing would either depend on the current people or as always the case, employ a whole troupe of whiz and boffin that at the end would only regurgitate what was fed to them in a different manner and almost without fail would insult the intelligence by stating the obvious. Nevertheless, Sucker the Sap and his ensemble would always be praised for having the foresight and prudence to employ these expert whiz and boffin in the first place, whilst the remnants of the minions who had actually did the actual work to feed the troupe of experts, were mostly ignored and sometimes were even ridiculed. And so the changing of the guard and the minions at the Realm of Jumble and Rumble happened as was announce to the networks and the public with great fanfare surpassing the appointment of Ozlon the Obese as the New Representative even! The previous Farms, the Farms of Hone-Dart, Drivel-High-Con and Sew-Sew-Key were actually surprised since they were actually every time that he decided to leave their Farms.
  38. 38. And, what did the New Head of the Jumble and Rumble contribute? Well, the aggregate of wholesalers, merchants and traders were declining, the grains, vegetables, crops and produce had putrefied and turned to compost, and funds were dwindling since they were spent to glorify the Realm of the Jumble and Rumble instead of improving the wholesalers’, merchants’ and traders’ systems, processes and facilities. And who would be assigned with the failure to meet the SPIT? Well, the Farmers of course! The farmers could not farm; the farmers could not produce the grains, vegetables, crops and produce according to time; the farmers could not meet the required attributes; the farmers could not reduce the expenses and hence the grains, vegetables, crops and produce could not be competitive; the farmers could not respond to the changing demands of the wholesalers, merchants and traders; the farmers could not deliver at the required period; etc. etc. and never once were the Jumblers and Rumblers were responsible for the differences in the conjectured FCUK (which initially were produced by the Realms of Compost and Dung and the Jumble and Rumble in the first place) and the actual realities!
  39. 39. PART X Realm of Communal Conjectures
  40. 40. Part X The Realm of Communal Conjectures The current Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, Pallid the Grey, was previously from an ancillary farm, which was a major supplier and vendor to The Farm, called the Pee-Hedge-Anne. Pee-Hedge-Anne had enjoyed relatively stable growth and profits over the years since The Farm had established Pee-Hedge-Anne as a 1st Tier and thus enjoyed almost guaranteed margins and hence profits. Pee-Hedge-Anne need not worry as much as other vendors and suppliers since it had The Farm as a major client and preferable arrangements. Pallid the Grey was brought in by the Sage the Holy since apparently they had known each other were the best of colleagues. Whilst Pallid the Grey had managed Pee-Hedge-Anne for quite a while, the actual operations and management were actually administered by a one Lock-Mane. Pallid the Grey in essence had minimal knack in managing suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and natives as he had only The Farm as a client. In fact The Farm was managing the suppliers, vendors etc. that dealt with Pee-Hedge-Anne. Thus, the Realm of Communal Conjectures was in for a shock as Pallid the Grey had little compassion and empathy towards junior conjectures and even less sympathy and tolerance to his previous competitors, the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and natives. Pallid the Grey, true to form would not actually be doing any of the difficult work and had therefore brought in his Assistant who, for all intent and purpose, was the de facto Communal Conjecture decision maker. Now, these decisions would certainly be meeting Sage the Holy’s directions and requirements which the Assistant was very well versed of. The Assistant, Maize the Root, had many years before was part of The Farm and was actually doing almost similar work, in fact, whilst the Realm has been changed into The Realm of Communal Conjecture, it was practically the same realm. One could say that he was returning to his roots and he was immediately at ease but others were not at ease. Prior to this, Maize the Root, had been at the supplier called Outgross, but he did not fit in that well. However, he was treated well by Outgross since one of the Senior Partners was his former boss at The Farm, Rah the Hymn. So the Realm of Communal Conjectures was practically run by Maize the Root and he was ably assisted by Shah the Khan, who had drafted all the conjecture papers for the communal appointments of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors. No wonder that the two most preferred apparent 1st suppliers who would always manage to win most of the bids were Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross. Many of the people in the Realm of Communal Conjectures were of the same ilk as Maize the Root and Shah the Khan and over the years had benefited from some kind of relationships with most of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors. Some of these relationships were very open and most were very hushed. The funny thing was that The Farm had instituted a “Whistle Blower Policy” as well as requiring all to declare their assets, and yet these kinds of
  41. 41. relationships were openly practiced by the people of the Realm of Communal Conjectures. Perhaps, the people of Communal Conjectures had too much dominance and authority over the decisions of appointing suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors such that the users of these services had very little influence and were powerless against the might of the Sage the Holy, Pallid the Grey, Maize the Root and the most powerful of all, Shah the Khan who was actually the mouthpiece of Sage the Holy. All of these powerful individuals were very affluent, prosperous and way beyond comfortable and were privileged to be able to splurge and consume way beyond their means. And yet, they seemed impervious and invincible! Well, they should be since they were under the sanctuary of Sage the Holy. A holy man could no wrong! Under the patronage of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors had formed a guild called the Farm’s Family of Font Fortune (FFFF) and also true to form the Ruler of the Guild was from the Land-of-the-Tan, one called One the Only. He was also apparently close to Sage the Holy, without a doubt was benefitting from the relationship as well as being the Ruler of the Guild. The FFFF Guild by constitution would be liable and accountable to the Realm of Communal Conjectures. As such much of the initiatives and activities of the FFFF were revolving around what the Realm of Communal Conjectures would dictate. The FFFF and The Farm would have a monthly jamboree and get-together and the FFFF would be updated by the Realm of Communal Conjectures on the Farm’s progress and upcoming initiatives. However, the actual briefing was not done by any of the Communal Conjectures but actually by the Realm of Farming and sometimes by the Realm of Concoction and Conception. Any difficult issues would be brushed aside by the Communal Conjectures or would be left to the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception to unravel and resolve. Meanwhile, the Realms of Wizards and Magicians and the Hangers would be at the periphery ready to pounce on any slip- ups or blunders by the Realm of Farming and Concoction and Conception, sometimes even by the FFFF Guild. The climate of the monthly FFFF Guild and The Farm jamboree was not very cordial and many were not very happy on the way that the Hangers and the Wizards and Magicians were interrupting the proceedings. They, the Hangers and the Wizards and Magicians, were not constructing but rather destructing the proceedings. Hence, the monthly jamboree did not actually achieve anything but only to serve as the conduit for the building of sense of selves for the FFFF Guild Ruler and the Hangers and Wizards and Magicians. The Realm of Communal Conjectures in conjunction with the FFFF Guild would on an annual basis deliberate and decide who amongst the community of suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors would be bestowed with The Farm’s tributes, honors and awards culminating with the highest accolade, the FFFFUCK (Farm’s Family Font of Fortune Ultimate Credit and acKnowledgement). It was not surprising therefore that the recipients of the various awards were none other than Pee-Hedge-Anne, Outgross, Par-Mint- Tax and A-Poly-Ma and Pee-hedge-Anne was even doubly honored with winning the FFFFUCK Award! Other suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors anyway enjoyed the lavish spread and entertainment even if they believed that most of the recipients who were honored were not very honorable. Even Sage the Holy enjoyed the entertainment whilst trying to
  42. 42. look holy throughout the night. Ozlon the Obese as usual would enjoy the food and would end up even more obese the next day. And so, the Realm of the Communal Conjecture continued as though nothing was the matter. As though what they had decided were beyond reproach. As though what they had implemented were beyond reprove. As though what they had suppressed were beyond rebuke. As though what they had gained were their god-given right and beyond blame. As though the Communal Conjectures were blessed and were extending their gifts towards those they chose and damn to others.
  43. 43. PART XI Realm of Wizard and Magician
  44. 44. Part XI The Realm of Wizard and Magician And, the Farm’s expenditures continued to grow! The Realm of Wizard and Magician was commanded and decreed by Sage the Holy to execute schemes and measures to ensure that expenses and spends were controlled and that costs-saving schemes and measures would be implemented and executed. The Realm of Wizards and Magicians by this time was headed by a Dr. Sammy Davis the Third, or Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician. The Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third continued to utilize his belief in his superiority of the art of Flog, an ancient game of wizardry and magic, as his foundation in his daily supervision and command. Now, the Realm of Wizard and Magician was newly created and was in fact specifically set up to execute specific initiatives related to improving The Farm’s value-chain of operations, from concoction, conception, farming etc. including jumble and rumble at the final end addressing the consumers’ needs and requirements. Since the Realm of Wizard and Magician was newly formed, it was in need of recruits that would be able to execute the much needed costs-savings initiatives. The Realm of Wizard and Magician was also tasked to develop the Reformation Document that would form as a basis to transform The Farm. Apparently, the New Representative, Ozlon the Obsese had presented to the Members of the BORED that The Farm was in need of changes. The World was affected by the Blight of the Lard and The Farm was apparently badly affected. In fact farms all over the localities and regions and actually all over the world were severely affected. Hence a transformation scheme would be required. The New Farmer, Sage the Holy, was tasked to develop the transformation schemes. And as usual the task was delegated to Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third to develop instead. Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third had requested the approval of the Sage the Holy for the appropriation of able bodied personnel from all over The Farm. And so, the Realms in effect were very pleased and ecstatic at this, since they would have the opportunity to jettison and discard the entire Deadwood in their Realms. Obviously the Realms would not declare nor reveal the true nature of these Deadwoods. Instead the Realms were actually embellishing and publicizing that these Deadwoods were “The Best of the Best” and “One-of-a-Kind”. Thus, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third was so delighted and pleased that he did not actually verify the quality of these deadwoods. And, so he was saddled with these Deadwoods that were adept at drifting along and moving with the currents. These Deadwoods were so blissful. By being seconded to the Realm of Wizard and magician, they were granted with supplementary wages and benefits which otherwise would not be accorded to them had they stayed at their present areas. So these Deadwoods were not overly concerned at how they execute their errands, since their expertise was to squeal the magic name, Sage the Holy and sometimes Ozlon the Obese for the other Realms to execute their initiatives and activities. These initiatives and activities were supposedly planned by the Deadwoods but in reality these were actually planned by the Realms themselves.
  45. 45. On a monthly basis, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, would hold a convention attended by Sage the Holy and sometimes, Ozlon the Obese to present the status and progress of the Costs-Savings Measures, CSM with great fanfare and amplification. All the Deadwoods were there, and they actually have gotten along very well with the Hangers who were also there. The Head Buffoon was also there because Ozlon the Obese was there. It was Ozlon the Obese who had brought the Head Buffon into the Farm. For the Job as head Buffoon, he was paid very handsomely and was the third highest paid personnel after Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy, which was quite funny of course, since the Head Buffoon job was merely to record all the minutes of the Meetings and as Head Buffoon, he only took minutes for the BORED Meeting. All the Heads of the Realms knew about this certainly, but could not do much about it since the head Buffoon was close to Ozlon the Obese. Perhaps, the Head Buffoon had in his possession secrets and covert information belonging to Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative, and therefore could wield his influence over him. Now at this monthly CSM Meeting, the Pipsqueak Davis the Third did not actually brief anything. He had instead delegated this to the Head of the Deadwoods. This particular Deadwood apparently was a relative of Sage the Holy and had the gift of the gab. In fact his pronunciation of the language was exactly like the Sage the Holy complete with holy verses and sayings. Perhaps that was why he was chosen. The Head of the Deadwood was in his element. His briefings were in a mode as though he was the originator of the wrok. His comportment was as though he was the man who had executed all the labor. In fact, he had conveniently and in a deadpan manner, appropriated all the work done by the Realms, particularly from the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception and made them his own. The farmers, concoctioners and conceptioners were relegated to mere minions as though they exist only to do his bidding. What was amusing was that the details of the briefings were left to the minions from the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception. These were the Realms that had substantiated their work and had demonstrated the activities and initiatives and authenticate their outcomes. The others were merely presenting their thoughts and plan with nothing concrete to corroborate their activities. So, the Head of the Deadwoods, was flying high and had received accolades on a monthly basis through these briefings whilst the minions were left agape with not even a mention nor thanks. Even Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third was also patted at the back by Sage the Holy and sometimes by Ozlon the Obese. The hard work done by the Heads of the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception was not even registered! They were merely minions in the eyes of Sage the Holy and even through the bigger eyes of Ozlon the Obese. Not all the Deadwoods were really Deadwoods. A couple of them were from the Realm of Communal Conjectures. Apparently they could not get along with Pallid the Grey as well as Maize the Roo. The methodologies employed by Pallid the Grey and Maize the Roo were not what they had been trained to adopt and execute. Thus, Pallid the Grey and maize the Roo had taken the opportunity to jettison them. So, these two jettisoned personnel were in a team of Deadwoods. They were in a somewhat fortunate position as they, like all the Deadwoods, enjoyed additional remuneration and benefits and had actually escaped the clutches of Pallid the Grey and Maize the Roo and thus spared the dubious benefit of being in the SHIT.
  46. 46. The Hangers and the Head of the Buffoon were actually invited by the Pipsqueak to assist his band of Wizards and Magicians or Deadwoods to do some magic. The CSM really did require magical potions and spells. Only those who were skilled in their realms would be able to conjure these potions and spells. However, the Head of the Deadwoods or Wizards and Magicians, had learnt to hex earlier in his life. Rumors had it that he learnt the hex from Sage the Holy who in turn had learnt it when he went to the Holy Farm. As they were very much related, perhaps there were truths to the rumors. So the Head of the Deadwoods outshone everybody, even sometimes Sage the Holy. But, Sage the Holy did not even realize that! At these CSM Monthly meetings, the Hangers main contribution were to haggle with the representatives of the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception and to portray as though they were more attuned to the intricacies of farming, concoction and conception. The Head Buffoon meanwhile was appending and continuing what the Hangers had started and eventually portrayed himself as “The Master of All Farming and Concoction and Conception”. When came to the development of the Reformation Document which Sage the Holy had delegated to Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, the Head of the Deadwoods and the Head Buffon conveniently disappeared and revealed that they were too much involved and engrossed in the CSM to be able to be engaged in the initiative. Even the Hangers were somehow busy hanging somewhere else! Thus, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third had no choice but to employ the Farm and Farming Experts instead for close to 5 million sacks of rice and a few sacks of tapioca as approved by the new Representative, Ozlon the Obese who had finally waylaid the Farm Reformation Document as though he had developed them himself. The Farm and Farming Expert went all around the farm and talked to all and was lucky to have gotten hold of a previously developed document outlining the possible farm and farming transformations by the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers and combined with the power of the digital, the Farm Reformation Document was completed. So that was how the Farm Reformation Document that was supposed to be developed by Sage the Holy, who, had instead delegated it to Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, purveyor of the ancient art of Flog, who had instead, employed Farm and Farming Experts at the behest of Ozlon the Obese, when in actual fact, the Farm Reformation Document was actually a rework of the Document developed by the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers who were ‘executed! And eventually, the Farm Reformation Document belonged to Ozlon the Obese who had conveniently presented to the Members of the BORED, the members of which had no clue whatsoever and had approved the contents of the farm Reformation Document which did not illustrate how the Reformation was going to be realized and achieved!
  47. 47. PART XII Realm of Decree and Diktat

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