2. BOOK I
A saga – A Farm
The Main Personalities
1. The New Representative - Ozlon the Obese
2. The New Farmer - Sage the Holy
3. The Previous Farmer - TQ-Am-ill
4. The Realm of Hangers - Fay-Rid the Man; Ewe the Nose
5. The Realm of Compost and Dung - Tsar-Day the Tan
6. The Realm of Jumble and Rumble - Sucker the Sap
7. The Realm of Communal Conjectures - Pallid the Grey; Maize the Roo
8. The Realm of Wizard and Magicians - Dr. Sammy Davis the Third
9. The Realm of Decree and Diktat - My-Shell the Crab
10. The Realm of Minion Resource - Zee the Glam; Hedge the Gee, Has-Not
11. The Realm of Wangle an Finagle - Wing the Tai –Chi
12. The Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker - Fay-Rid the Dough
13. The Realm of Concoction and Conception - Ahab the Clad
14. The Realm of Exotic Exchange - The Man from Abroad
15. The Realm of Attribute Exertion - The Man from Abroad
16. The Realm of the Scanner - Not-High Tooth
17. The Realm of the Mole - Jam-Ail
18. The Realm of the Cipher - Micro-Change
19. The Realm of Farming - Namaz-Lu-Ramak
3. PART I
4. PART I
The Farm was quite substantial in size and was in two localities separated by other
farms. In fact, the Farm had acquired substantial holdings in a farm whose residents were
substantially different and whose location was tremendously far and require many days and
months of traveling. The Farm had also decided to collaborate with other farms through the
provision of its propriety farming know-how including plants and vegetables. The Farm was
“owned” by the Locality (a bunch of old f*r*s) as well as other apparently gullible localities and
Apparently the previous Farmer who was appointed by the Locality (a bunch of old
twiddlers) was reported to have overstepped his limit and was removed, but in reality, the New
Representative (also a bigger twiddler) felt threatened by the Farmer. The New Representative
was deemed to be extremely qualified because he was the Farming Co-Operative Chief
Regulator and had never once in his life actually farmed any fields nor developed any new
plants or vegetables.
Anyway, a New Farmer was duly appointed by the Locality and with the express
agreement of the New Representative. Apparently this New Farmer was deemed to be very
successful and very skilled although the farm that he was working at had other similar Farmers
who were really skilled in farming and had actually done the actual farming - planting, seeding,
weeding and fertilizing including harvesting and selling whilst this particular Farmer had given
the impression that He was the One who had thought real hard and had farmed what he really
had thought while all along what he actually did was to shout to all others what he thought he
was doing and at the farm he was merely acting as a farmer.
So, the New Representative (happily twiddling along) had decided to get this New
Farmer on board and had overlooked existing Senior Assistant Farmers who were more
qualified than this New Farmer.
The first thing that this New Farmer had done was to bring to the Farm his Assistant
Farmers who were deemed to be experts and full of farming experience, into various areas, but
more so in certain areas that would impact upon the Farm's Expenses such as procurement of
fertilizers, implements and machinery; development of plants, vegetables and produce;
marketing and sales of plants, vegetables and produce; managing farm-hands as well as the
farm's modern system. What had happened was that the Farm's existing Senior and Junior
Assistant Farmers who had been with the Farm since the Farm's inception was actually
sidelined because they were deemed to be incapable of assimilating the new methodologies of
farming by the New Farmer as well as the New Representative.
However, after months of farming at The Farm, many of the New Assistant Farmers had
left. Some was caught because of improprieties such as using the Farm’s Credit Facilities for
personal business and had to leave. Others for allowing friends and partners to supply fertilizers
and implements without undergoing the proper procedures and was asked to leave or action
5. would be taken upon them. Still others left after realizing that they were not cut out to become
farmers. Many more left because of misrepresenting themselves as farmers whilst they are
actually farmhands and had realized that others also realized that they were actually farmhands
and were not adept at being farmers.
The New Farmer had made representations to the New Representative of the Locality
that he could not manage the Farm not because the New Assistant and Junior Farmers could
not meet the grade, but, because the existing Senior Assistant Farmers did not give him and his
expert New Assistant and Junior Farmers the cooperation required and had also not given the
New Assistant and Junior Farmers the help that they require to assimilate into The Farm. In
other words the existing Senior Assistant Farmers were not capable of managing not only the
existing Junior Farmers but also the New Junior Farmers, and, the existing Senior Assistant
Farmers were also deemed as non-team player since they did not manage to give the
impression that the New Assistant Farmers were farmers of high caliber and full of wisdom. As
such, the New Assistant Farmers farming performance were affected. They had no choice but to
resort to those “improprieties” just to execute their farming management and skills. They cannot
be blamed! It was not their fault. It was the fault of those 4 Senior Assistant Farmers. They still
have the grass root support of the farmhands and Junior Assistant Farmers and had therefore
meddled with the New Farmer’s superior ways of farming and managing. The New Farmer had
therefore made a bold promise and proposal. The New Farmer committed to the New
Representative and the Locality (manned by a bunch of old timers whose best decision was to
agree with the New Representative) that he can deliver superior plants, vegetables and produce
without the services of the Senior Assistant Farmers.
And so it came that the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers were asked to leave at the behest of
the New Farmer but portrayed as though they could not be part of the Team of Highly-Skilled
and Technological Farmers and had therefore left on their own accord.
After the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers left, the Farm’s conditions still did not improve. But,
the New Farmer had the knack of being able to convince the Locality (a bunch of ripe bananas)
and the New Representative (even a bigger banana) that the Farm’s performance had improved
whilst in actual fact it did not.
Ironically, before their departure, the Senior Assistant Farmers had actually developed
multiple new and variants of plants, fruits and vegetables such as the new sago which was
cheap and nutritious, new persimmon which was nutritious and full of vitamins, new multi-
purpose grains that would be wholesome and healthy including other vegetables and produces.
The Senior Assistant Farmers who had developed, planted, produced and were about to sell
these new plants were ungraciously removed (as narrated above) but to all the farmhands and
junior farmers, there were portrayed as not being able to make the cut and had thus chosen to
Still, The Farm had not improved even after the Senior Assistant Farmers had left. Who
was impeding the New Farmer? Who was not part of the Team? What did the New Farmer do?
6. The New Farmer had actually convinced the Locality (a bunch of ripened tomatoes) that
now the New Representative (even a bigger ripened tomato) was impeding him in a major way,
big time! He had given the impression that he could not be blamed for all the shortcomings but
instead the Locality must apportion the blame to the New Representative. Why? Well, as the
New Representative had given the assurance and impression that he knew all about farming
(which the New Farmer also insisted that he also know all about farming) then the blame should
be shouldered by the New Representative. The New Farmer insisted that with another
Representative, he would be able to do better. The Locality (a bunch of squashed grapes) by its
own virtue had consented to the New Farmer’s demand and as in the case of the 4 Senior
Assistant Farmers; the New Representative (now a really squashed big grape!) was also
The Other Representative also claimed that he knew all about farming and much more
besides whilst in actual fact he was very close to the Locality’s better half and had utilized the
better half to recommend him as the Best Representative cum Farmer around.
So, the Best Representative cum Farmer took on the job of supervising the New Farmer
and The Farm. And what did he do? Of course similar to the previous New Representative, the
Representative cum Farmer literally gave some choice jobs to his friends too.
Has anything changed? Not much though.
Meanwhile, the New Farmer was bestowed with all sorts of Honors and Awards thus
reinforcing the impression that he is the best farmer in the locality. And, to strengthen all this,
the New Farmer had made homage to the Holy Farm and giving the impression that besides
being a well-skilled farmer, he is also a most holy farmer, one without failures, constraints and
shortcomings. If there were failures at the Farm, it’s not because of him; it was because the
other junior farmers particularly the remnants who could not execute his brilliant farming
methods and ideas. If there issues, it’s not because of him and the new junior and new assistant
farmers, it was due to those farmers that he had inherited. In other words, to quote his favorite
phrase, it was a matter of legacy, legacy issues etc.
Real holy man does not broadcast that they are holy; rather, it would be the people
surrounding him who would say that whether one is holy or otherwise. Anyway, the New Farmer
was known previously at the previous farm and other farms before that as one who favors the
fruits of nightlife and enjoyment. In fact, he was once caught by his better half for having
relations, and had apparently repented and promised his better half that he would turn over a
new leaf hence the portrayal of being a holy farmer. He did indeed turn a new leaf over!
As the saying goes, “A dog even if it does not consume s*h*t, will nevertheless smell it”.
And this was what happened to the New Farmer. But this is another story altogether.
7. PART II
The Ballad of The Reformation
The Ballad of the Reformation
8. After the previous Farmer was sacked by the Locality (a bunch of brown nosers) and the
New Representative (who had the biggest brown nose), somehow the farming community was
affected by a blight. Some called it The Blight of the Lard and all farms were affected, big and
small; near and far.
The New Representative who had brought along the New Farmer was in a quandary.
What to do … what to do … what to do?
The New Representative had ordered the New Farmer to develop farming strategies to
counter the Blight of the Lard otherwise both of them might not last long in the Farm. Instead of
allowing the New Farmer to institute the farm’s machinery to implement its strategic planning
process, true to form (as the New Representative had professed that he knew all about farming
to all and sundry), he had instead employed Farm and Farming Experts to execute what the
New Representative had called Farm Reformation.
And so the Farm and Farming Expert went all around the farm and talked to all. Actually
they did not talk to anyone at all. The Farm and Farming Expert had gotten hold of a previously
developed document outlining the possible farm and farming transformations by the dismissed 4
Senior Assistant Farmers (portrayed as not making the cut). Thanks to them the work of the
Farm and Farm Expert was cut short.
As usual, the Farm and Farming Experts were blessed with the gift of the gab.
Combined with the power of the digital, the Farm Reformation Document was completed. It was
an amazing document, full of spreadsheet and data. The graphics were beautiful with the latest
technicolor and full of glitz.
Thus the New Representative laid claim to the Farm Reformation Document and had
waylaid the New Farmer who had lost the initial war as he could not muster the might to employ
the Farm and Farming Experts that had cost the farm close to 5 million sacks of rice and a few
sacks of tapioca.
And so that was how the famed Farm Reformation Document was developed.
Unfortunately, the 4 Senior Assistant Directors could not lay claim since they were not paid and
hence there was no evidence that they had developed the initial idea of the Transformation. The
Farm Reformation was ceremoniously paraded to the Locality (a bunch of fermented rice and
tapioca). The Locality had lapped what was paraded and presented to them and was full of glee
and had praised the New Representative to no end … what genius, what priceless art … what
brown nosers we are! Even the New Farmer had also praised and was full of awe of the Farm
In fact, the New Farmer had laid-out a Road Tour to parade and to present the Farm
Reformation Document which by now already inlaid with gold and gilt including sapphires and
diamonds and therefore becoming more priceless by the day (not because of the content but
because of the cover and inlays). All the farm’s employees were awestricken by the cover and
the gold and the diamonds. By the end of the road tour, a survey had been carried-out to gauge
the reaction of the farm’s employees. The survey unsurprisingly said all were amazed at the
9. beauty of the document but were not terribly sure about the contents. Some had said the
document were akin to a fairy tale, some were very sure that it was a novel, whilst some others
did not care since the document was so beautiful. Anyway, the New Farmer reported to the New
Representative that all employees were awed and amazed by the document! Again, the New
Representative patted himself on the back for a job well done.
But … the Farm Reformation Document did not tell how the transformation could be
The New Representative and New Farmer were at a quandary.
How to execute … how to execute … how to execute?
Ha! Why don’t we “execute” the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers instead as it was them who
had put the seed of thoughts inside the document?
And so it was, the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers were “executed”. The Farm
Transformation Document anyhow would require transformation as the execution strategy was
not complete. The New Representative could not by now request the Locality (a bunch of local’s
yokels) for additional sacks of rice and tapioca to extend the services of the Farm and Farming
Experts as by now the kitty must be preserved as it was running low very fast.
Thus, the New Farmer by a stroke of genius and holy awareness suggested, rather,
shove down the throat of the New Representative that setting up a Reformation Field would be
able to formulate the necessary initiatives and programs to be able to realize the virtues of the
Transformation Document. It was suggested that a Wizard and Magician known in the region as
Doctor Philosopher Sammy Davis the Third who was famous for making a mountain out of a
molehill, a river out of a stream, an ocean out of a pond, a mansion out of a room, and a book
out of a sentence.
And so the Wizard and Magician who is also a doctor and philosopher, was at the farm.
And the first thing he did was to call all the farm employees and to give his now famous address
… whilst he can transform a sentence into a book, at that occasion, perhaps let down by his
Djins and Cherubs, his intended verbosity became a squeak. Henceforth, he was known as the
Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician.
Apparently the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician had many acquaintances at the farm.
He was very skilled at the art of Flog an ancient game of wizardry and magic which requires one
to maneuver a miniscule enchanted grizzly orb into an equally enchanted and miniscule
aperture with various enchanted and magical staff. Many days and months were spent by the
Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician playing the ancient game of Flog and since he wanted to have
a sense of superiority, had on many occasions invited some of the farm’s junior assistant
farmers to partake in the flog too. Well, as expected, the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician
triumphed over all and he savored that feeling of superiority endlessly.
And so, this feeling of Flog superiority was carried-over to the farm too by the Pipsqueak
Wizard and Magician! He had forgotten that the world of farms and farming is totally different
10. than the world of wizardry and Flog!!! Inadvertently, he had alienated those acquaintances that
he had nurtured and triumphed from the game of Flog. Thus, to circumvent this unexpected
situation, he had convinced the New Farmer to agree to give him the mandate and authority to
employ junior wizards and junior magicians and missed the point that he should employ junior
and associate farmers instead.
Lo and behold! Even with his magic and wizardry he could not transform the
Reformation since his junior wizards and junior magicians had been putting spells and chants
rather than to till the farm. No wonder he could not transform the Reformation.
And so the Wizard and Magician and his entourage was banished and was never again
heard in the Locality.
Did the Reformation Document able to be transformed? That would be deliberated later.
11. PART III
The Ballad of The Hangers
12. Part III
The Ballad of the Hangers
The transformation of the Reformation was the key to the Farm. The New
Representative (who had done no farming at all), the New Farmer (who had asked others to
farm), the Farm and Farming Experts (who gave the impression that they had farmed) and the
Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician (who thought he could use magic and wizardry to farm) all had
staked their reputations and life on the Reformation Document. By this time, the Reformation
Document was further embellished. More colors were added from technicolor to multicolor.
More inlays were added from one lay to many lays. More diamonds were added from diamonds
to triamonds and sometimes quadmonds. Even the covers were not spared. All the colors, lays
and monds were also applied to the cover. By the end the cover could not be distinguished from
the very popular periodical Yoby-Alp which was known to be glitzy and full of blings.
Did the Reformation Document able to be transformed?
Indeed it was transformed! And many are now more concerned about how the colors,
lays and monds than what lay between the covers. So, some had suggested that the contents to
be also colored, layed and monded too. So, the New Farmer, who by this time was saddled with
the Reformation Document since the New Representative had conveniently disowned the
Document and had transferred the ownership to the New Farmer, had formed an outfit called
the Hangers to further transform the Reformation Document. The Hangers had in a magical
stroke transformed the Reformation Document by hanging it upside down and transformed it
into Document Reformation. Thus that was how the supposedly Reformation Document being
transformed into Document Reformation and no effort and resource was spared to ensure that
the Document was being reformed.
By this time, the Junior Assistant Farmers, Assistant Farmers, Associate Farmers and
Farmhands were much too busy farming and had left the transformation activities to the New
Senior Assistant Farmers. They had to make certain that the farm continued being farmed and
the plants, vegetables and produce sold to generate income to support all the farm employees.
In any case the Hangers were not interested in all these farmers since they are hangers and
hangers do not mix with farmers.
Hangers by nature hang all the time. It is by default therefore that what they do would
hang. Their processors hanged in all instances and thus they could not come out with the
Reformation Document and thus transformed it into Document Reformation instead. Their
workstations hanged all the time since they had hanged elsewhere instead. Their psyches
hanged all the time too as they purposely hanged them as the essence of being cool that is let
the farmers utilize theirs instead. Their demeanors were the epitome of coolness. They always
look cool. All the farmers and farmhands had their garb of consistent affirmation whilst they had
their cool and nonchalant outfit. One can really spot a Hanger by the demeanor and outfit which
were nothing like what the farmers and farmhand had. If one were not careful, one might in fact
be mistaken that the Hanger could be either the New Farmer or the New Representative (except
14. On one occasion, the New Farmer wanted to execute a Farm Appraisal and in this
particular case a mill. So the minion farmers were there and demonstrated how to scrub abd
scour the mill’s implements and utensils which was particularly grubby and mucky exercise. The
New Farmer with his gravelly voice had intoned that the work being demonstrated were not
good enough and had disparaged and censured the minion farmers. At the previous farm where
the New Farmer was before, he claimed that the mill was like a mirror that he could see his face
every day. He was disappointed that he could not see his face at this mill. The Hangers with
glee were recording the remonstrations and reprimands and flashes were everywhere as
numerous cameras were snapping away at these minion farmers who were stunned and frozen
with disgrace and humiliation at this public censure. The Junior Wizards and Magicians were
still around and had joined in this merriment. They were twirling their wands and were conjuring
minor lightning to supplement the cameras flash units. Merrily after such appraisals, there would
be numerous and duplicate report, assessments and narrations from The many Hangers, Junior
Wizards and Magicians to the same minion farmers all demanding immediate actions,
countermeasures, simulations, postulations, hypotheses, conjectures, conceptions, sensitivities
and follow-up summits so that the Hangers and their band of Wizards and Magicians would be
able to outdo each other in pointing out the shortcomings, limitations, deficiencies and failures of
the minion farmers. Thereafter they would present their version of the same thing but because
of their Oxbridge lineage, the New Farmer had accepted the Hangers’ version instead. These
would continue on and on and on and on until one day ….
17. there only because as a Buffoon he was to act as a glorified court jester mainly to jot down all
the yarns, gags, fictions, legends and gossips at the FART Meeting. The Head Buffoon did not
actually do this instead, to glorify his position (as he was not a full member of FART)
Apparently the Head Buffoon and the New Representative used to be employed by the
Farming Co-Operative Regulatory Federation. Hence, oftentimes at the FART Meeting, the
Head Buffoon sometimes acted as though he was the New Representative. In actual fact the
Head Buffoon was one of the species of Hangers who had become very much adept at being a
shape-shifter. So, whenever the opportunity arose, the Head Buffoon would pose as the New
Representative. But because he did this so often, none of the Heads of Realms would put any
notice any more.
The FART Meeting was usually very lively as nothing strategic or futuristic was
deliberated. Food and drinks was bountiful and as the FART Meeting usually was very long,
lunch was always provided. As the FART Meeting progresses all the Heads of the Realms were
munching away the food and slurping up the drinks except the Head of Farming because by
nature he insist himself to follow whatever was being discussed (gossiped) and deliberated
And so they talked about the length of the farmhands’ vests. They talked about the color
of the farmhands’ vests. They talked about how some the farmhands who had paraded the
vests were quite gorgeous and stunning and maybe they should also parade for the FART the
proposed Heads of Realms’ coat. They talked about how the New Farmer’s plan to visit the
Farm. The Head of the Hanger was in his element is proposing the program and what the farm
minions should do to pay homage to the New Farmer since the Farm, according to the Hanger
Head, had improved with the advent of the New Farmer’s address when he first came to the
Farm. The Minion Resource Head retorted that the minions were in awe at the New Farmer’s
verbose speech and intellectual understanding of the Farm and his superlative plans for future
The Head of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker talked and proposed about her proposed
media program and how the New Farmer should be portrayed. Majority of the Realm Heads
were in agreement that the New Farmer should be in all the media whether in print or broadcast
as he was the savior of the Farm. Without him, the Farm would not survive let alone prosper. At
this juncture, the Buffoon Head would interject that the New Representative should also be
given similar if not more exposure than the New Farmer. Thinking and viewing ahead of the
BORED Meeting, the New Farmer decided that the exposure for the New Representative should
be more than him and at this the Buffoon Head flashed a smile.
The Head Wizard and Magician meanwhile were casting spells and charms before he
utters his words (remember that he was the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician). As he was about
to utter his words, a mouse ran all over the floor and he could not control himself and squeaked,
and squeaked and squeaked and pipped and pipped and pipped until the FART Meeting
18. Since the Head Wizard and Magician had squeaked and pipped, the Head of Composts
and Dung took opportunity of the bewilderment to put in his two cents worth, the Farm’s
program of how to consolidate all the composts and dungs so that they could become more
aromatic and pungent and would give the Farm the necessary aroma that the Head Compost
and Dung had believed was missing. The New Farmer decreed that indeed this was noble
proposition and had instructed the Head of Concoction and Conception to do a trial at one of the
smaller fields and requested the Head of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker to prepare a media blitz
on this program. The Head of Communal Conjectures and Wangle and Finagle were asked to
provide the strategic direction and budgetary plan for this proposal whilst the Head of Decree
and Diktat was asked if she could explore the possibility of patenting this program. The Jumble
and Rummage Heads were not particularly interested in the proceedings as his proceeds from
the jumble and rummage was more than adequate since the Farm’s produce were selling by
In all of these none of the Heads had taken the initiative to solicit the opinion of the
Farming Head as to whether the aroma is very pertinent to the farming in general, or, whether
the current composts and dungs were performing as what they had committed. And in reality, to
implore whether some of the composts needed to be changed and most of the dungs needed to
be revamped and constituted, or alternative dungs should be pursued even.
And so the FART Meetings continued as though the world was revolving around them
and the rest of the world was waiting for them. The Buffoon Head continued to buffoon, the
Minion resource Head continued to minion, the Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker Head continued to
tittle-tattle and nose around, the Compost and Dung Head continued to compost and spread
dung, the Communal Conjecture Head continued to conjecture communally, the Wizard and
Magician Head continued to cast spells but ended up pipsqueaking, the Concoction and
Conception Head continued to concoct and concept, the Jumble and Rummage Head instead
continued to jumble, the Wangle and Finagle Head continued to wangle and finagle, the Hanger
Head continued to hang but not himself, the Decree and Diktat continued to decree; all
according to the refrain of the New Farmer. And the only Head that actually did anything of
value was the Farming Head because he continued to farm as what Farm was supposed to do.
19. PART V
(Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)
20. Part V
The BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues) Meeting
The FART headed by the New Farmer consisted of the following realms, the Realm of
Minion Resource, the Realm of Compost and Dung, the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker,
the Realm of Decree and Diktat, the Realm of Wizard and Magician, the Realm of Wangle and
Finagle, the Realm of Communal Conjectures, the Realm of Concoction and Conception, the
Realm of Jumble and Rummage, The Realm of Hangers and of course the Realm of Farming.
The FART Meetings in essence were held not because the New Farmer wanted to
convey and bestow his wisdom, acumen, prudence, astuteness and know-how to various
realms by means of the Heads (presumably brain too!), but rather as a means to foster, cultivate
and nurture the New Farmer’s apparent acuity in the world of farming and the ancillary pursuits
of farming. Thus the FART was in effect a self-serving receptacle for the New Farmer one that
he might steer according to his whims and fancies. Certainly, the New Farmer with the Hanger
Head in particular would contrive the outcome of the FART whilst seemingly debating,
deliberating, pondering the matter for resolution. A case in point was the debate of the Farm’s
aroma and how consolidating the compost and dungs would be able to achieve that certain
aroma that the New Farmer had been pursuing. The FART Meeting was alive and shimmering
with intellect in the now legendary “The Farm with the Aromatic Compost and Dung” manuscript.
The BORED Meeting was scheduled by the Buffoon Head and a fortnight prior to the
BORED Meeting, the Realm of the Buffoon was indeed very hectic, frantic and frenzied in
preparation for the BORED Meeting who were essentially representatives of the Locality (a
bunch of retired folks who had nothing better to do or nothing else to do). But why were the
buffoons very hectic and frenetic? The documents were not done nor were they originating from
them? So why were they so frenzied? Their actual job in essence was just being a glorified
clerk, no not true at all, glorified office helper, yes!!!!! Compiling and stapling and inserting all the
readily prepared documents in duplicates of 14! Still, why were they so frantic and chaotic?
Certainly stapling and inserting 14 sets of documents into a file would not be mind-blowing nor
would it be physically taxing!
Anyway the buffoons and its Head were wild and chaotic and spent endless hours within
the fortnight before the BORED Meeting preparing. What was the bunch of buffoons preparing?
In fact the buffoons inadvertently would exceed their monthly overtime every time the BORED
Meeting was scheduled to be held. Within the months after the New Farmer was appointed and
the New Representative was installed, the BORED Meeting was scheduled to be held every
month! Other meetings such as those related to the decree and diktat, wizard and magician as
well jumble and rumble were also scheduled to be held on a monthly basis. Still, those
documents related to these were drafted, reviewed and finalized by themselves and 14 sets
were copied and stapled and punched and would be ready for insertion into the massive files for
the BORED Members. Apparently the BORED Members, whilst giving the impression that they
were bored, had actually insisted on exhaustive and comprehensive and wordy documents
hence giving the notion that they were a bunch of thorough group of professionals. Still, this did
21. not explain why the buffoons were extremely hectic so much so that the Head Buffoon was still
a bachelor (not very certain though whether he was of the “other” kind)!
Oftentimes, the Members of the BORED would also insist that the Documents be
prepared days ahead and sent to their abodes prior to the BORED Meeting. Still this would be
done by the couriers or the farm-boys and as the practice, the documents would be prepared by
the Realms in duplicates of 14, sized A4, punched and stapled. Again this could not explain why
the buffoons were extremely agitated and frenzied during this period.
The Documents were requested in duplicates of 14. Initially, the Realms did not even
question why the required duplicates were in 14. The Members of the BORED were 7 in all. The
New Farmer and Head Buffoon were 2. So the total was 9. Where would the 5 duplicates go to?
This mystery was resolved when one day the “Old Newspaper” Van came along and stopped
near the buffoons’ office and lo and behold, tons of the duplicates were loaded onto the van.
The whereabouts of the deposits of the proceeds of the sales of the duplicates were not known.
When asked, the buffoons retorted that there were no actual sales; they were merely cleaning
out the unwanted wastes. But, in the first place why request 14 duplicates? The New Farmer,
after being informed, did not want any investigations done, but instead applauded the buffoons
for practicing 5S (Sneak, Skulk, Stalk, Shadow and Spew). Thus the 14 duplicates had become
Now, the mysterious behaviors of the buffoons come every BORED Meeting was
continuing. Since none of the Heads of the Realms attended any of the BORED Meetings,
nobody would know the goings-on inside the BORED Meeting excepting of course the New
Farmer and the Buffoon Head. The New Farmer, upon being newly appointed to the Farm had
within months (before the “execution” of the Senior Assistant Farmers) requested to the New
Representative that he wanted to visit the Sacred Farm to get blessings and be purified and
thus would be able to assert and declare devout status. The New Representative did not really
care about such things as he himself felt that being an Oxbridge (whilst actually being a
Penangbridge) was far superior than being a Holy Farmer. Thus the New Representative
consented to his request but as the next BORED Meeting was around the corner, he insisted
the New Farmer that “somebody” from the Farm must find a proxy. The New Farmer readily
agreed and had appointed the Head of Farming.
The Head of Farming, during the interim period when the Farm was without a Farmer,
had been appointed as the caretaker. Apparently, the Head of Farming and the New
Representative came from the same alma mater. During those days, the Head of Farming had
always been ahead of the New Representative in all aspects, studies, sports and extra-
curricular activities; such that the New Representative was full of envy. The New
Representative’s family was very much well to do but in this alma mater, it ability that counted.
So, for the five years in the alma mater, the New Representative was full of resentment and had
begrudged the Head of Farming always.
Thus when, he became the New Representative of the Farm and had “surpassed” the
Head of Farming, he was full of glee and had gloated when he announced that he had
appointed the Head of Farming as the interim Farmer Caretaker. In the ensuing months when
22. the BORED Members of which the New Representative was the Principal BORE, were looking
as it were for a New Farmer, he never once proposed to the BORED Members that the Head of
Farming was probably the best candidate around.
The Head of Farming (or the Senior Assistant Farmer) had been in the Farm since its
inception and had in fact cleared the farm for farming. Most of the farming processes and
procedures including the multitudes of technological adoptions and adaptations were planned
and implemented by him with a team of dedicated farmers. Before being made the Head of
Farming, he had been the Head of Communal Conjectures and the Head of Concoction and
Conception as well as being junior farmer for many years.
Anyway, as the New Farmer was in the Sacred Farm endeavoring to become a Holy
Farmer, the poor Head of Farming were in the BORED Meeting representing the New Farmer.
The mystery of the buffoons’ agitations and frantic behaviors were immediately known at the
start of the meeting.
Ostensibly, the Buffoon Head whilst reading the Minutes was persistently interrupted by
the Members of the BORED. Seemingly, the minutes were not accurate, most ‘factual’ (if you
could call it so) items were missing, grammars and spellings were abundantly errors, etc. etc.
Thus, the Head of Buffoons were chided and all sorts of innuendoes pertaining to his marital
status were thrown but never once were he reprimanded. And, the BORED Meeting continued
and the Head of Farming was reprimanded for having attended the meeting and for having the
impudence to pretend as though he was the New Farmer. Now, the New Representative had
mentioned that the New Farmer was doing his sacred journey, so had suggested that the Head
of Farming to represent him. The BORED Members however, felt that the Head of Wangle and
Finagle should be in instead. When explained that the Head of Wangle and Finagle was on
emergency leave (which he did all the time and seemingly was always on some emergency
errands all the time), the Members of the BORED had relented and the meeting proceed
smoothly. But, the mystery continued to unravel. Whilst the Head of Buffoon was there, he was
merely content to muse in his reveries since he had his Junior Buffoon there too to take down
the proceedings and account, not by writing notes but through the recording of the proceedings.
As it turned out, the Junior Buffoon were not very well versed in the language of the Farm and is
usually the case, verbatim recordings would be very difficult to transcribe days and weeks after
So, the frantic and hectic behaviors of the buffoons in particular the Buffoon Head still
continued because the BORED Member actually would like something to do in the meeting and
had enjoyed and rejoiced in rebuking the Head Buffoon jovially and had not requested any
improvement in the jot and note taking of the meeting’s minutes or hours as the case usually
23. PART VI
Members of The BORED
(Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)
24. Part VI
Members of the BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)
Now, Members of the BORED were practically senior citizens and some were extremely
senior citizens and most of them were from the Locality’s Ancillary Regions and Provinces and
had mainly dealt in Formulating Rules and Regulations related to chattels, capital, edicts and
decrees. So they were not too familiar with the language and workings of the Farm.
Nevertheless, by applying ‘business acumen’ and ‘common sense’ they had managed to slog
along and gave the impression that they were the ‘experts’ at farming.
What had transpired normally would be for the Farm’s Senior Assistant Farmer to
enlighten the Members of the BORED on the Farm’s Activities and Initiatives and the
Consequences and Results arising from them, numerically and financially. The New
Representative, Ozlon the Obese, would then, fondle his whiskers, and as though deep in
thought would take some time to digest, then consolidate and finally comprehend what were
being presented. He would then summarize and proffer a proclamation as though they were
‘pearls of wisdom’ short of being a decree. He would then proceed to request the other
Members of the BORED for their esteemed opinions. All too often, the Members of the BORED
would give their assent to the proffered proclamation.
None had had the sense to solicit the views of the Senior Assistant Farmer who had
actually prepared and presented to them the briefs. Of course none of the Members of the
BORED including the New Representative actually would seek the opinion of the New Farmer
since they knew that the New Farmer was also one of them that was one of the ‘expert
feigners’. Hence, more often than not, what was intended was not what had being transpired.
Many of the Members of the BORED had commandeered some of the succinct and inspiring
proposals and ideas presented by the Senior Assistant and Junior Farmers and funnily when
presented by them to the New Representative had suddenly sprouted new life into them.
The modus operandi of the papers (14 copies in all and in color), were that the papers
must be submitted 2 weeks in advance of the BORED Meeting. The rationale was that the
Members of the BORED and in particular the New Representative would like to review and
analyze the papers so that the actual BORED Meeting would be spent deliberating and debating
the proposals. Well did this happen? Not by a long chance. The Members of the BORED never
did read the papers. Their motivation was to scan the papers and decide which to be
commandeered so that the paper seemed to originate from them. At the actual BORED
Meeting, after being briefed, the New Representative or one of the BORED Members would
read the papers line-by-line and word-by-word. Thereafter, the New Representative would
scratch his whiskers and after seemingly a long time would proffer his proclamation or
One particular BORED Member, Jabba the Jaded, was assigned to the task of
appraising and reviewing the Farm’s Accounts and he took the job almost to the point of
nonsensical. He chaired the meeting and brought it to order at 5:00 p.m., adjourned the meeting
twice and continued until 4:00 a.m. and then continued the meeting at 8:00 a.m. As it turned out
25. he was the only one meeting himself since he read the reports line by line and made the
comments and took notes by himself since by this time the Buffon Head had slept with his eyes
wide open. The rest of the BORED Members, well, they were bored beyond belief and almost to
death. All this would not be too bad since the Members were excellent feigners – looking
interested but looking at nothing instead! But, Jabba the Jaded was indeed very jaded as his
voice was so faint that most would have fainted if not being expert feigners. This would go on
and on and on and on … Why were the adjournments? Well, Jabba the Jaded was known to
have a liking for the “Lighted Sticks” and in fact most Members of the Bored including the New
Farmer were connoisseurs of the “Lighted Sticks”. So silently they were relieved for the breaks
and enjoyed the time to become aficionados of and adherents of the “Lighted Stick”.
Another Member of the BORED, Zed the Zorro, thought himself as the mighty and expert
implement master just because he had a few swords and had ridden a few horses.
Inadvertently, at the BORED Meeting he would bore everybody with his exploits of being an
implement master and a horseman (not a farm’s implement master nor a farm man!) and how
he could improve the Farm’s by being a wheedle and a wangle. What the Farm requires were
real and tested engineers. Nevertheless, the Members of the BORED could not differentiate
really between an engineer, a wheedle and a wangle. So Zed to Zorro could happily wheedled
and wangled not only in the BORED Meeting but he managed to wheedle and wangle himself
into the Farm’s Farming Meetings. He was into his element, wheedling and wangling himself
into areas whilst unknown to him would simply referred to his horse and implements and coaxed
the Farmers to go all-out with his decrees. Thus, some of the Farm’s initiatives were held back
because Zed the Zorro thought that they were not to his reference.
Zen the Shearer was another Member of the BORED who was previously employed as
the Farm’s external reviewer. He however had many stand-offs with the previous Farmer (who
had been sacked perhaps due to his information). Zen the Shearer was an expert exhumer of
secrets which was rather improper as he had at one time being the Chief Adviser of an outfit
called The Thought Builder. At that point in time the clients of the Thought Builder were mainly
from the Locality and mainly dealt with developing oblique and implicit rules and regulations and
edicts. Thus, he was appointed at the Farm’s BORED since the New Representative knew him
from the days of the thought Builder and also because he was formerly employed as the
external reviewer and thus had all sorts of documents and information. Zen the Shearer enjoyed
himself immensely by belittling the Senior Assistant Farmers and Assistant Farmers by
highlighting how his Sago was sagging, how his Persimmon was pulpy and all sorts of nitty-
gritty items that would not make a difference to the Farm’s operations. Thus at the BORED
Meeting he continued to harps about how the Farm was not up-to-the-mark and continues to
nitpick and disparage the Farmers whilst not offering any solutions to the supposed problems
that the Farm had. And, true to form, as he was formerly an adviser, when pressed, what better
proposal than to suggest that the Farm employ an Adviser to advice on things that require
advice. Henceforth, the Farm was populated with all sorts of advisers.
There were actually many more Members of the BORED but suffice to record here that with
Members of the ilk of Ozlon the Obese, Jabba the Jaded, Zed the Zorro and Zen the Shearer,
26. other members were not that different in genre or culture. So, the Farm was in the spiral of
decline ever since.
27. PART VII
Operation of the SHIT
(Suppliers Hiring Intent Team)
28. Part VII
The Operation of the SHIT - Suppliers Hiring Intent Team
The Farm being huge and residing in many localities certainly require a lot of odds and
ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives to make it run properly.
Thus, due to the sheer quantity of materials and resource, a team was set up by the New
Farmer headed by the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures whose job was to obtain
and procure or rather get hold of the best materials and resources available from the vicinity and
environs of the Farm.
The vicinity and environs of the Farm were full of suppliers, vendors, providers, agents,
contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and
natives because when the Farm were set-up since time immemorial, the Locality had made it
obligatory that the Farm develop and cultivate these institutions of suppliers, vendor, providers,
agents, contractors and purveyors and the odd Ah Long One here and there.
Most of these suppliers, vendors, etc. were opportunists as they did not actually develop
the odds and ends, scraps, etc. but instead had become prosperous by becoming
intermediaries and had slapped-on huge margins for every odds and ends, scraps, etc. as each
every one of the suppliers, vendors, etc. had monopolistic trades and able to dictate the
commercial arrangements, which was rather odd as the Farm should have the final say.
However, those suppliers, vendors, etc. who had actually followed the decree and diktat
of the Locality to the letter, were under huge pressures as they had to invest, develop, validate,
verify and manufacture the odds and ends, scraps, etc. according to the Farm’s outlines and
blueprints. They were even under huge pressures because the SHIT more often than not had
decreed that suppliers, vendors, etc. that chose to develop technologies and skills, were
allocated smaller shares of the odds and ends, scraps etc. whilst meeting lower costs.
Indeed, the inner workings of the SHIT was a mystery to all except to the New Farmer as
he was the Chairman of SHIT, and the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, as he was
the Vice Chairman of SHIT. You could say that these two were running SHIT as though they
were the owners of SHIT.
SHIT was formed by the New Farmer and somehow agreed upon by the Head of
Communal Conjectures Realm with the aim of trying to be more transparent and accountable for
the decisions made. Thus, the Members of SHIT were also Heads of Compost and Dung,
Concoction and Conception, Wizard and Magician and of course Farming. If the SHIT Chairman
could have his way, he would not appoint the Head of the Realm of Farming but he had no
choice. But, the Heads of Compost and Dung, Concoction and Conception and Wizard and
Magician including the SHIT Vice Chairman were the mouthpieces of the SHIT Chairman cum
New Farmer. And so it was that all decisions were made even with objections from the Realm of
Farming since the majority ruled and the majority was always right! Moreover, the SHIT Meeting
was always called to order when the Head of the Realm of Farming was not available or was
away, so the SHIT Meeting always flowed smoothly.
29. Henceforth, many suppliers, vendors, etc. were allotted and appointed to deliver odds
and ends, scraps etc. to the Farm who were not really suppliers, vendors, etc. but rather
opportunists and intermediaries. More puzzling was that these suppliers, vendors, etc. were
even given Tier 1 Status and had other suppliers, vendors, etc. under their ‘control’ and
The SHIT Vice Chairman did not actually prepare nor review the SHIT Paper for the
debate at the SHIT Meeting as well as for the SHIT Chairman’s approval. He had an Assistant
SHIT who did all the administrative and management for the SHIT Meeting. This Assistant used
to be employed by the Farm and was in the PUB (Procurement Unit & Buying). The Head of the
PUB had left because he had “formed” a vendor, called Outgross, and had sole supplier status
to the Farm and he therefore had no choice but to leave to manage the vendor so that he can
‘dictate’ the ‘margins’. Similarly, the Head of the PUB was relying on the PUB Assistant when
both of them were at the Farm. Thus, when the PUB Head left, the PUB Assistant also left. So,
both of them had enjoyed this “arrangement” with the Farm, ever since with great returns!
The Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures was also from the Farm previously.
When the Farm was diversifying, it had formed a subsidiary Farm called Pee-Hedge-Anne and
the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures was assigned as the Principal. He had almost
total control of the subsidiary. The subsidiary was in an enviable position because it had sole
supplier rights and could not lose money because the margin was guaranteed by the Farm. And
so, Pee-Hedge-Anne was managed by him as though he owned the subsidiary and had his own
suppliers, vendors, etc. supplying to Pee-Hedge-Anne and margins were guaranteed too by the
Farm. When the New Farmer came on board of the Farm, he had recalled the Principal of Pee-
Hedge-Anne to Head the Realm of Communal Conjectures, and he, in turn had recalled the
Assistant of Outgross to become the Assistant of SHIT.
Henceforth, both Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross had almost unlimited access and
opportunities in the Farm. Many new Plants and Produce developed by the Farm that required
special compost, fertilizers, soil, etc. were supplied by Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross.
However, they (Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross) did not actually produce these compost,
fertilizers, soil, etc. but instead had out-sourced to others, the 2nd Tiers instead. But, both Pee-
Hedge-Anne and Outgross had insisted and was agreed by the Farm, that the development and
validations of these compost, fertilizers and soils, etc. would be invested by the Farm and in fact
paid in advance. Thus, both Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross had no risks at all but all the
margins to gain for!
Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma meanwhile was also in the same advantageous positions
as Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross since the New Farmer somehow or rather was “connected”
to these two. When the new Multi-Purpose-Grain, MPG, was developed, Pee-Hedge-Anne,
Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma were the preferred suppliers even though none of them
knew anything about the MPG and how to carry-out the required program. Even more mystifying
was that Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma did not have enough resources and were in
fact under the administration of the Locality’s Bureau of Commerce and were actually just
surviving because of the Farm’s assistance, financially and materially. So, the Farm was
30. disbursing funds to Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma. The Farm had also dispatched its
skilled Farmers to the 2nd Tier Vendors to ensure that the supply of compost, fertilizers and soil
etc. could be achieved on time and at the right cost. So in essence Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and
A-Poly-Ma were paid for doing nothing.
So how could Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma get away with these? It was
precisely because of the Assistant SHIT, the SHIT Vice Chairman and the SHIT Chairman
transparency and the SHIT Committee’s decisions that allowed suppliers, vendor, providers,
agents, contractors and purveyors and the odd Ah Long One to prosper!
31. PART VIII
Realm of Compost and Dung
32. Part VIII
Realm of Compost and Dung
Every year, the Farm would around the last quarter, start to initiate the FCUK (Farm’s
Commentaries Unanimously Kindred). Almost everybody in the Farm would be involved in this,
from the lowest rung of farmhands to the most senior farmers, except for those in the Realms of
Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the Buffoon (which was not a
Realm but acted as though theirs was a Realm of the Highest Order!). Why this was so would
be unraveled as we go along.
The FCUK should initially start from the Compost and Dung Realm’s perspective as the
Farm’s products eventually would turn into compost if not stored properly or into dung after
being ingested. The Realm of Compost and Dung therefore should be the starting point for the
FCUK as they would dictate eventually how much of the grains, vegetables, crops and produce
would be farmed and produced in the coming year. The Realm of Compost and Dung would
assess and reassess the marketplace and determine which grains, vegetables, crops and
produce would fare in the coming year and how they would be placed in the marketplace. The
Realm of Compost and Dung should also propose to the Farm what kind of grains, vegetables,
crops and produce should be improved, developed or removed in accordance to the fancies of
Thus all Realms were waiting for the Compost and Dung to come up with the
prospective volume and types of grains, vegetables, crops and produce including the variations
required to fulfill the wholesalers’, merchants’ and traders’ orders and requirements. Most of the
hard information and statistics would actually come from the Realm of Jumble and Rumble as
the jurisdiction and diktat of the wholesalers, merchants and traders were actually under the
Realm of Jumble and Rumble. Hence most of the work were done by the Jumblers and
Rumblers and finessed by the Composters and Dungers.
Now, if in the subsequent year, the Market which were serviced by the wholesalers,
merchants and traders were doing well, then the Realm of Compost and Dung would bask in the
glory and would immediately claimed that the FCUK was framed and postulated by them was
the key to the success and accomplishments of the Farm. And, all the Composters and Dungers
would be viewed as having achieved the most commendable work and would be bestowed with
all sorts of honors. However, if in the subsequent year, the Market were not doing well, the
Composters and Dungers would immediately shift the fault to others and more often than not
would censure the Realm of Farming instead as the volume and types of grains, vegetables,
crops and produce including the variations required to fulfill the wholesalers’, merchants’ and
traders’ orders and requirements were not met as the Farmers were not doing their job right.
Nothing was focused upon the inaccuracies or fallacies of the volumes and produce being
proposed by the Composters and Dungers including the Jumblers and Rumblers in the first
place. And still, these Composters and Dungers if not the Jumblers and Rumblers would
continue to be bestowed with all sorts of honors for having being able to frame-out the
beautifully crafted FCUK Document.
33. So, most of the Realm were wondering why the Realm of Compost and Dung could get
away with ‘murder’ and ‘mayhem’ which any normal Farm could not tolerate. The Head of the
Realm and Compost apparently came from the Farm that the New Representative came from
too. In fact they practice the same parlance and vernacular typical from the region of the Land-
of-the-Tan and the peoples of this land apparently came from the same off-springs. They may
not be brothers and sisters, but they were of the same clan. Whenever they were together, they
would suddenly switch from one vernacular to the other such that the Farmers would have
difficulty to understand what were required.
Now, what happened was that the people that made-up the Composters and Dungers
were slowly but very surely were being peopled by the people from the Land-of-the-Tan. In fact
most of the people from the Land-of-the-Tan from the previous Farm that the New Farmer and
the Head of the Realm of the Composters and Dung came from had actually migrated to the
Farm. The view was that the existing people were not good enough, so they have to be
supplemented by these people instead. But, as it always turned out, these people only survived
because they were affiliated to the New Farmer, the Head of the Compost and Dung and that
they were the people of the Land-of-the-Tan BUT work they could not do.
They could compile reports, they could conjure reports, they could regurgitate reports,
but they certainly could not create actual concepts and thoughts, never! So who actually did all
those reports? As apparent from the previous narratives, it was none other than the remnants of
the people of the Land-of-the-not-so-Tans.
Now, more often than not, the Composters and the Dungers with the cooperation of the
Jumblers and Rumblers would mutate and metamorphose the reports so that it would seem that
they were the originators of the reports including the analyses. The Composers and the
Dungers especially the Head of the Realm would proudly present the Reports as the bases for
the FCUK. The Realms of Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the
Buffoons would clap and shout and hoot to show their signs of approvals and acceptances. The
New Farmer (Sage the Holy) and the New Representative (Ozlon the Obese) also followed suit
and gave their blessings and consents. Even the Members of the BORED would also give their
assents. Hence, the start of the FCUK was full of boisterousness and animated over the top
Then the actual documentations and preparations of the FCUK papers would
commence. And who would be the ‘casualty’? Obviously the Realms of Concoction and
Conception and Farming and to a degree the Realm of Communal Conjectures were the ‘real’
workhorses. Hence, the final FCUK Papers were the resultant analyses and commentaries
based upon the “Reports” hatched by the Composters and Dungers, would be integrated by the
Realm of Wizard and Magicians as the definitive FCUK for ALL to refer to and prepare their own
establishment’s positions and state of affairs for the coming year.
The presentations of the FCUK were done with a lot of fanfare and flourish. The Head of
the Realm of Wizard and Magicians was the Showmaster. The Head of the Realm of the
Compost and Dung was in his element basking in the gloriousness of the FCUK Documents and
Papers (whilst were not actually originated by him, nevertheless were portrayed as though they
were!) and was ably assisted by the Head of the Realm of Jumblers and Rumblers. The Heads
of the Realms of Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the Buffoon
were merely there as the supporters and every now and then would shout and hoot their assent
and consent. However, the detailed operational and working of the FCUK would be presented
34. by the Heads of the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Farming, and they would
actually be probed, interrogated and queried by all and sundry. But, the Heads of Concoction
and Conception and Farming knew what they were doing and could withstand all the onslaughts
and proddings and would triumph. But, were these not paradoxical? The Reports were the base
of the FCUK, the details were based from the Reports, and yet the very same peoples were
querying the documents of the concoctions and conceptions and farming? It actually looked as
though the New Farmer and the New Representative including the Members of the BORED
were conspiring to discredit the Heads of the Realms of Concoction and Conception and
Farming as though they were not worthy enough! But, in the end, the FCUK would be endorsed
as the defining documents of Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese.
Even though, the FCUK would become the defining documents for the New Farmer and
the New Representative, come at the end of the year, when the results were different and the
targets defined as the SPIT (Strategic Planning Indicators Table) were not met, all fingers were
pointing to who? The Farmers and the Realm of Farming of course! Hence, Sage the Holy and
Ozlon the Obese were f*c*k*ed and immediately begin to disown the FCUK and the Composters
and the Dungers and the Jumblers and the Rumblers and the Wizards and the Magicians would
shift the blame to the Farmers, the Concoctioners and the Conceptioners and had resolved that
the SPIT was not achieved not because the initial Reports that the FCUK were bases were
faulty, but instead because the Concoctioners and the Conceptioners and especially the
Farmers were not adept at translating the FCUK Strategies and Intents into a workable
So, whilst the SPIT were not met, the Composters and the Dungers were adjudged to
have exceeded expectations and were given superlative status and were ascertained to have
achieved OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE and all the new people were given dividends and
bonuses not known before! In fact all the supporters (Jumblers and Rumblers, Wizards and
Magicians, Decrees and Diktats, Hangers and off course the Buffoons) would also be deemed
to have achieved superlative performances all except the farmers who actually were doing
Sage the Holy, the New Farmer and Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative, had
convinced the Members of the BORED that the SPIT were not met not because the FCUK were
shockingly below par and defective but fundamentally due to the legacy inheritance (system of
farming and the farmers) and hence could not be attributed to them. The Members of the
BORED who were basically appointed by the New Representative would certainly agree and
sanction the raison d'être and rationale of Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese. Thus, the final
outcomes were that the Heads of the Realms of Farming and market Concoction and
Conception left after being requested by the Members of the BORED at the instigation of Sage
the Holy and endorsed by the Ozlon the Obese.
35. PART IX
Realm of Jumble and Rumble
36. Part IX
The Realm of Jumble and Rumble
The previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had resigned and left after the
appointment of the New Farmer, Sage the Holy, simply because Sage the Holy could not really
appreciate the value and significance of good market assessment and reassessment which
actually would be able to determine which grains, vegetables, crops and produce would be able
to fare well if positioned appropriately in the marketplace. Sage the Holy thought that he knew
how to place the grains, vegetables, crops and produce in the marketplace better than the
previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble. Sage the Holy could not actually make
sense of the multitude of the jumble at the marketplace and the rumbles arising from the
wholesalers, merchants and traders that dealt with the multitudes of grains, vegetables, crops
and produce and inevitably had erred. And with this kind of situation, Sage the New Holy
Farmer, whilst being new and inexperienced, would not admit that he had erred but instead had
inferred that the previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had not advised him
suitably, accurately and appropriately and hence had made judgments and decisions based
upon erroneous advise. Thus, the previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble could not
and would not accept to be made a scapegoat and had opted to leave. Henceforth, the New
Farmer had taken the portfolio of the Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble. And as he was
not proficient in the manners and language of the Jumble and Rumble, the wholesalers,
merchants and traders were becoming discontented, cynical and more pessimistic by the day.
Thus the data that the New Farmer and the Head of Jumble and Rumble required to
formulate the FCUK were not becoming reliable as the wholesalers, merchants and traders did
not have enough belief and confidence in the New Farmer, Sage the Holy, and had therefore
submit data that were not fully reflective of the marketplace but rather as response to what Sage
the Holy and The Head of Jumble and Rumble wanted to see and hear. Hence, the base
Reports and the resultant FCUK Documents that finally transformed the SHIT were rather
skewed and distorted to attain what Sage the Holy wanted to achieve and the Head of the
Jumble and Rumble wanted to develop.
The Realm of Jumble and Rumble was without a Head for quite a while since the
previous Head had opted to leave as he did not want to become the scapegoat for the New
Farmer. The New Farmer had searched and had found yet another of his ally that he thought
could fulfill the post of the Head of the Realm. The New Farmer had managed to convince the
New Representative of the proficiency, expertise and talent of his ally. The New Representative
had in turn managed to convince the Members of the BORED to approve the appointment of the
New Head of Jumble and Rumble.
The New Head of the Jumble and Rumble had been previously at the Farm of Hone-Dart
and at the Farm owned by the Tribe of Yellow-Slant-Eyes, he did not actually execute any
jumbling, and, any rumbles did not pass by him. He was merely being the talking head of the
local shareholders; the main function was merely to convey to the Tribe of Yellow-Slant-Eyes
the wishes of the local shareholders which were immediately ignored as mostly they were
twaddles and gobbledygooks. So the New Head was used to be called Sucker the Sap. Prior to
37. being at the Hone-Dart, he was at the Farm of Drivel-High-Con, and had done nothing similar to
ensure Jumbles were carried-out and Rumbles were managed. Prior to that he was at the Farm
of Sew-Sew-Key and just a normal minion there but Sucker-the-Sap had portrayed that he was
a Key Minion with huge responsibilities that were not elaborated.
It was therefore quite an achievement to be able to be appointed as the Head of Jumble
and Rumble whilst having managed not to do anything similar to a jumble nor a rumble before.
But an ally of the Sage the Holy he was without doubt, and he had mirrored Sage the Holy as
far as jumbling and rumblings were concerned which was exactly nothing!
Similar to the Realm of the Compost and Dung, the Realm of the Jumble and Rumble
were mainly manned by the people of the Land-of-the-Tan and they had also been positioned in
the choicest positions of responsibilities and with that perks and remunerations better than the
minions that had been working there since the beginning. Since the Realm of the Compost and
Dung were also manned by the people from the Land-of-the-Tan, the Realm of Jumble and
Rumble had also become the closest of collaborators to the exclusion of others, and more often
than not, had missed and ignored better-quality facts and statistics. Thus the collaborative effort
of Composters and Dungers, Jumblers and Rumblers, Wizards and Magicians culminating with
the FCUK and SPIT had inadvertently missed the point and would eventually not being able to
meet the required criteria and benchmarks.
The Realm of Jumble and Rumble had at their disposal, thousands of able-bodied
wholesalers, merchants and traders, but chose to ignore them. The Jumblers and Rumblers felt
that they were superior to the wholesalers, merchants and traders and thus would not believe
any data, facts and information that originated from different from what the Jumblers and
Rumblers believed were true. The wholesalers, merchants and traders had reacted accordingly
by submitting data, facts and information whilst not totally false were doctored to suit the
Jumblers ad Rumblers perceptions of the truth.
The New Head of Jumble and Rumble, Sucker the Sap, began by recruiting new
Jumblers and Rumblers from the New Farmer’s previous farm, the For-Each-Rod-Two, and
immediately alienating the wholesalers, merchants and traders. The new bunch of Jumblers and
Rumblers as was the culture at For-Each-Rod-Two, would portray that they know everything
under the sun, but when came to the real thing would either depend on the current people or as
always the case, employ a whole troupe of whiz and boffin that at the end would only regurgitate
what was fed to them in a different manner and almost without fail would insult the intelligence
by stating the obvious. Nevertheless, Sucker the Sap and his ensemble would always be
praised for having the foresight and prudence to employ these expert whiz and boffin in the first
place, whilst the remnants of the minions who had actually did the actual work to feed the troupe
of experts, were mostly ignored and sometimes were even ridiculed.
And so the changing of the guard and the minions at the Realm of Jumble and Rumble
happened as was announce to the networks and the public with great fanfare surpassing the
appointment of Ozlon the Obese as the New Representative even! The previous Farms, the
Farms of Hone-Dart, Drivel-High-Con and Sew-Sew-Key were actually surprised since they
were actually every time that he decided to leave their Farms.
38. And, what did the New Head of the Jumble and Rumble contribute? Well, the aggregate
of wholesalers, merchants and traders were declining, the grains, vegetables, crops and
produce had putrefied and turned to compost, and funds were dwindling since they were spent
to glorify the Realm of the Jumble and Rumble instead of improving the wholesalers’,
merchants’ and traders’ systems, processes and facilities.
And who would be assigned with the failure to meet the SPIT? Well, the Farmers of
course! The farmers could not farm; the farmers could not produce the grains, vegetables, crops
and produce according to time; the farmers could not meet the required attributes; the farmers
could not reduce the expenses and hence the grains, vegetables, crops and produce could not
be competitive; the farmers could not respond to the changing demands of the wholesalers,
merchants and traders; the farmers could not deliver at the required period; etc. etc. and never
once were the Jumblers and Rumblers were responsible for the differences in the conjectured
FCUK (which initially were produced by the Realms of Compost and Dung and the Jumble and
Rumble in the first place) and the actual realities!
39. PART X
Realm of Communal Conjectures
40. Part X
The Realm of Communal Conjectures
The current Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, Pallid the Grey, was
previously from an ancillary farm, which was a major supplier and vendor to The Farm, called
the Pee-Hedge-Anne. Pee-Hedge-Anne had enjoyed relatively stable growth and profits over
the years since The Farm had established Pee-Hedge-Anne as a 1st Tier and thus enjoyed
almost guaranteed margins and hence profits. Pee-Hedge-Anne need not worry as much as
other vendors and suppliers since it had The Farm as a major client and preferable
Pallid the Grey was brought in by the Sage the Holy since apparently they had known
each other were the best of colleagues. Whilst Pallid the Grey had managed Pee-Hedge-Anne
for quite a while, the actual operations and management were actually administered by a one
Lock-Mane. Pallid the Grey in essence had minimal knack in managing suppliers, vendors,
providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff,
implements, objects and natives as he had only The Farm as a client. In fact The Farm was
managing the suppliers, vendors etc. that dealt with Pee-Hedge-Anne.
Thus, the Realm of Communal Conjectures was in for a shock as Pallid the Grey had
little compassion and empathy towards junior conjectures and even less sympathy and
tolerance to his previous competitors, the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and
purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and natives.
Pallid the Grey, true to form would not actually be doing any of the difficult work and had
therefore brought in his Assistant who, for all intent and purpose, was the de facto Communal
Conjecture decision maker. Now, these decisions would certainly be meeting Sage the Holy’s
directions and requirements which the Assistant was very well versed of. The Assistant, Maize
the Root, had many years before was part of The Farm and was actually doing almost similar
work, in fact, whilst the Realm has been changed into The Realm of Communal Conjecture, it
was practically the same realm. One could say that he was returning to his roots and he was
immediately at ease but others were not at ease. Prior to this, Maize the Root, had been at the
supplier called Outgross, but he did not fit in that well. However, he was treated well by
Outgross since one of the Senior Partners was his former boss at The Farm, Rah the Hymn.
So the Realm of Communal Conjectures was practically run by Maize the Root and he
was ably assisted by Shah the Khan, who had drafted all the conjecture papers for the
communal appointments of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and
purveyors. No wonder that the two most preferred apparent 1st suppliers who would always
manage to win most of the bids were Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross. Many of the people in the
Realm of Communal Conjectures were of the same ilk as Maize the Root and Shah the Khan
and over the years had benefited from some kind of relationships with most of the suppliers,
vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors. Some of these relationships were very
open and most were very hushed. The funny thing was that The Farm had instituted a “Whistle
Blower Policy” as well as requiring all to declare their assets, and yet these kinds of
41. relationships were openly practiced by the people of the Realm of Communal Conjectures.
Perhaps, the people of Communal Conjectures had too much dominance and authority over the
decisions of appointing suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors such
that the users of these services had very little influence and were powerless against the might of
the Sage the Holy, Pallid the Grey, Maize the Root and the most powerful of all, Shah the Khan
who was actually the mouthpiece of Sage the Holy. All of these powerful individuals were very
affluent, prosperous and way beyond comfortable and were privileged to be able to splurge and
consume way beyond their means. And yet, they seemed impervious and invincible! Well, they
should be since they were under the sanctuary of Sage the Holy. A holy man could no wrong!
Under the patronage of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, the suppliers, vendors,
providers, agents, contractors and purveyors had formed a guild called the Farm’s Family of
Font Fortune (FFFF) and also true to form the Ruler of the Guild was from the Land-of-the-Tan,
one called One the Only. He was also apparently close to Sage the Holy, without a doubt was
benefitting from the relationship as well as being the Ruler of the Guild.
The FFFF Guild by constitution would be liable and accountable to the Realm of
Communal Conjectures. As such much of the initiatives and activities of the FFFF were
revolving around what the Realm of Communal Conjectures would dictate. The FFFF and The
Farm would have a monthly jamboree and get-together and the FFFF would be updated by the
Realm of Communal Conjectures on the Farm’s progress and upcoming initiatives. However,
the actual briefing was not done by any of the Communal Conjectures but actually by the Realm
of Farming and sometimes by the Realm of Concoction and Conception. Any difficult issues
would be brushed aside by the Communal Conjectures or would be left to the Realms of
Farming and Concoction and Conception to unravel and resolve. Meanwhile, the Realms of
Wizards and Magicians and the Hangers would be at the periphery ready to pounce on any slip-
ups or blunders by the Realm of Farming and Concoction and Conception, sometimes even by
the FFFF Guild. The climate of the monthly FFFF Guild and The Farm jamboree was not very
cordial and many were not very happy on the way that the Hangers and the Wizards and
Magicians were interrupting the proceedings. They, the Hangers and the Wizards and
Magicians, were not constructing but rather destructing the proceedings. Hence, the monthly
jamboree did not actually achieve anything but only to serve as the conduit for the building of
sense of selves for the FFFF Guild Ruler and the Hangers and Wizards and Magicians.
The Realm of Communal Conjectures in conjunction with the FFFF Guild would on an
annual basis deliberate and decide who amongst the community of suppliers, vendors,
providers, agents, contractors and purveyors would be bestowed with The Farm’s tributes,
honors and awards culminating with the highest accolade, the FFFFUCK (Farm’s Family Font of
Fortune Ultimate Credit and acKnowledgement). It was not surprising therefore that the
recipients of the various awards were none other than Pee-Hedge-Anne, Outgross, Par-Mint-
Tax and A-Poly-Ma and Pee-hedge-Anne was even doubly honored with winning the FFFFUCK
Award! Other suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors anyway enjoyed
the lavish spread and entertainment even if they believed that most of the recipients who were
honored were not very honorable. Even Sage the Holy enjoyed the entertainment whilst trying to
42. look holy throughout the night. Ozlon the Obese as usual would enjoy the food and would end
up even more obese the next day.
And so, the Realm of the Communal Conjecture continued as though nothing was the
matter. As though what they had decided were beyond reproach. As though what they had
implemented were beyond reprove. As though what they had suppressed were beyond rebuke.
As though what they had gained were their god-given right and beyond blame. As though the
Communal Conjectures were blessed and were extending their gifts towards those they chose
and damn to others.
43. PART XI
Realm of Wizard and Magician
44. Part XI
The Realm of Wizard and Magician
And, the Farm’s expenditures continued to grow! The Realm of Wizard and Magician
was commanded and decreed by Sage the Holy to execute schemes and measures to ensure
that expenses and spends were controlled and that costs-saving schemes and measures would
be implemented and executed. The Realm of Wizards and Magicians by this time was headed
by a Dr. Sammy Davis the Third, or Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician. The Pipsqueak Sammy
Davis the Third continued to utilize his belief in his superiority of the art of Flog, an ancient game
of wizardry and magic, as his foundation in his daily supervision and command. Now, the Realm
of Wizard and Magician was newly created and was in fact specifically set up to execute specific
initiatives related to improving The Farm’s value-chain of operations, from concoction,
conception, farming etc. including jumble and rumble at the final end addressing the consumers’
needs and requirements.
Since the Realm of Wizard and Magician was newly formed, it was in need of recruits
that would be able to execute the much needed costs-savings initiatives. The Realm of Wizard
and Magician was also tasked to develop the Reformation Document that would form as a basis
to transform The Farm. Apparently, the New Representative, Ozlon the Obsese had presented
to the Members of the BORED that The Farm was in need of changes. The World was affected
by the Blight of the Lard and The Farm was apparently badly affected. In fact farms all over the
localities and regions and actually all over the world were severely affected. Hence a
transformation scheme would be required. The New Farmer, Sage the Holy, was tasked to
develop the transformation schemes. And as usual the task was delegated to Pipsqueak
Sammy Davis the Third to develop instead.
Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third had requested the approval of the Sage the Holy for
the appropriation of able bodied personnel from all over The Farm. And so, the Realms in effect
were very pleased and ecstatic at this, since they would have the opportunity to jettison and
discard the entire Deadwood in their Realms. Obviously the Realms would not declare nor
reveal the true nature of these Deadwoods. Instead the Realms were actually embellishing and
publicizing that these Deadwoods were “The Best of the Best” and “One-of-a-Kind”. Thus,
Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third was so delighted and pleased that he did not actually verify
the quality of these deadwoods. And, so he was saddled with these Deadwoods that were adept
at drifting along and moving with the currents.
These Deadwoods were so blissful. By being seconded to the Realm of Wizard and
magician, they were granted with supplementary wages and benefits which otherwise would not
be accorded to them had they stayed at their present areas. So these Deadwoods were not
overly concerned at how they execute their errands, since their expertise was to squeal the
magic name, Sage the Holy and sometimes Ozlon the Obese for the other Realms to execute
their initiatives and activities. These initiatives and activities were supposedly planned by the
Deadwoods but in reality these were actually planned by the Realms themselves.
45. On a monthly basis, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, would hold a convention
attended by Sage the Holy and sometimes, Ozlon the Obese to present the status and progress
of the Costs-Savings Measures, CSM with great fanfare and amplification. All the Deadwoods
were there, and they actually have gotten along very well with the Hangers who were also there.
The Head Buffoon was also there because Ozlon the Obese was there. It was Ozlon the Obese
who had brought the Head Buffon into the Farm. For the Job as head Buffoon, he was paid very
handsomely and was the third highest paid personnel after Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy,
which was quite funny of course, since the Head Buffoon job was merely to record all the
minutes of the Meetings and as Head Buffoon, he only took minutes for the BORED Meeting. All
the Heads of the Realms knew about this certainly, but could not do much about it since the
head Buffoon was close to Ozlon the Obese. Perhaps, the Head Buffoon had in his possession
secrets and covert information belonging to Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative, and
therefore could wield his influence over him.
Now at this monthly CSM Meeting, the Pipsqueak Davis the Third did not actually brief
anything. He had instead delegated this to the Head of the Deadwoods. This particular
Deadwood apparently was a relative of Sage the Holy and had the gift of the gab. In fact his
pronunciation of the language was exactly like the Sage the Holy complete with holy verses and
sayings. Perhaps that was why he was chosen. The Head of the Deadwood was in his element.
His briefings were in a mode as though he was the originator of the wrok. His comportment was
as though he was the man who had executed all the labor. In fact, he had conveniently and in a
deadpan manner, appropriated all the work done by the Realms, particularly from the Realms of
Farming and Concoction and Conception and made them his own. The farmers, concoctioners
and conceptioners were relegated to mere minions as though they exist only to do his bidding.
What was amusing was that the details of the briefings were left to the minions from the Realms
of Farming and Concoction and Conception. These were the Realms that had substantiated
their work and had demonstrated the activities and initiatives and authenticate their outcomes.
The others were merely presenting their thoughts and plan with nothing concrete to corroborate
their activities. So, the Head of the Deadwoods, was flying high and had received accolades on
a monthly basis through these briefings whilst the minions were left agape with not even a
mention nor thanks. Even Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third was also patted at the back by
Sage the Holy and sometimes by Ozlon the Obese. The hard work done by the Heads of the
Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception was not even registered! They were merely
minions in the eyes of Sage the Holy and even through the bigger eyes of Ozlon the Obese.
Not all the Deadwoods were really Deadwoods. A couple of them were from the Realm
of Communal Conjectures. Apparently they could not get along with Pallid the Grey as well as
Maize the Roo. The methodologies employed by Pallid the Grey and Maize the Roo were not
what they had been trained to adopt and execute. Thus, Pallid the Grey and maize the Roo had
taken the opportunity to jettison them. So, these two jettisoned personnel were in a team of
Deadwoods. They were in a somewhat fortunate position as they, like all the Deadwoods,
enjoyed additional remuneration and benefits and had actually escaped the clutches of Pallid
the Grey and Maize the Roo and thus spared the dubious benefit of being in the SHIT.
46. The Hangers and the Head of the Buffoon were actually invited by the Pipsqueak to
assist his band of Wizards and Magicians or Deadwoods to do some magic. The CSM really did
require magical potions and spells. Only those who were skilled in their realms would be able to
conjure these potions and spells. However, the Head of the Deadwoods or Wizards and
Magicians, had learnt to hex earlier in his life. Rumors had it that he learnt the hex from Sage
the Holy who in turn had learnt it when he went to the Holy Farm. As they were very much
related, perhaps there were truths to the rumors. So the Head of the Deadwoods outshone
everybody, even sometimes Sage the Holy. But, Sage the Holy did not even realize that!
At these CSM Monthly meetings, the Hangers main contribution were to haggle with the
representatives of the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception and to portray as
though they were more attuned to the intricacies of farming, concoction and conception. The
Head Buffoon meanwhile was appending and continuing what the Hangers had started and
eventually portrayed himself as “The Master of All Farming and Concoction and Conception”.
When came to the development of the Reformation Document which Sage the Holy had
delegated to Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, the Head of the Deadwoods and the Head
Buffon conveniently disappeared and revealed that they were too much involved and engrossed
in the CSM to be able to be engaged in the initiative. Even the Hangers were somehow busy
hanging somewhere else!
Thus, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third had no choice but to employ the Farm and
Farming Experts instead for close to 5 million sacks of rice and a few sacks of tapioca as
approved by the new Representative, Ozlon the Obese who had finally waylaid the Farm
Reformation Document as though he had developed them himself.
The Farm and Farming Expert went all around the farm and talked to all and was lucky
to have gotten hold of a previously developed document outlining the possible farm and farming
transformations by the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers and combined with the power of the digital,
the Farm Reformation Document was completed.
So that was how the Farm Reformation Document that was supposed to be developed
by Sage the Holy, who, had instead delegated it to Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, purveyor
of the ancient art of Flog, who had instead, employed Farm and Farming Experts at the behest
of Ozlon the Obese, when in actual fact, the Farm Reformation Document was actually a rework
of the Document developed by the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers who were ‘executed! And
eventually, the Farm Reformation Document belonged to Ozlon the Obese who had
conveniently presented to the Members of the BORED, the members of which had no clue
whatsoever and had approved the contents of the farm Reformation Document which did not
illustrate how the Reformation was going to be realized and achieved!
47. PART XII
Realm of Decree and Diktat
48. Part XII
The Realm of Decree and Diktat
Since the very beginnings of The Farm, the Realm of Decree and Diktat had been
administered by the feminine side. The current Head of the Realm of Decree and Diktat was no
difference except that the lass was a good friend of the New Farmer. And as usual, all the
friends of the New Farmer would have better remuneration and benefits than those who had
been at The Farm all these while, and in particular the farmers.
As was the case, the Head of the Realm of Decree and Diktat, My-Shell the Crab,
immediately began to expand the Realm. The Realm had for years been functioning effectively
and efficiently with less than a tenth of what My-Shell the Crab had inflated the realm. She had
so many officials that the Realm could actually be turned into a sizeable firm able to manage all
sorts of issues and would be able to develop and release various declaration and statement.
When The Farm was faced with issues related to decrees and diktats it was natural to
expect the Realm to actually manage the issues by themselves. Furthermore, the size of the
Realm was now more than triple it was before. They have officials for all sorts of circumstances.
All the new officials were hand-picked by My-Shell the Crab and Sage the Holy. These new
officials would have better status and stipend than those who were there since the inception of
The Farm. Certainly it was natural to expect these new officials including My-Shell the Crab to
be able to respond and react to these concerns as second nature.
It was however far from expectation. In fact, similar to the Realms of Compost and Dung
as well as the Jumble and Rumble, it was becoming fashionable to hire experts. My-Shell the
Crab was very fashionable indeed and true to form, she had brought in experts in decrees and
diktats. Some of them were from lands far away and it had cost The Farm huge amount of
currencies. Now, these so-called experts as usual would liaise with the officers, and in this case,
the erstwhile officers. The new officers meanwhile were playing the role of supervisors and were
supervising both the erstwhile officers and the experts. At the end of the day, it was the
documents and analyses of the erstwhile officers that had been repackaged by the experts that
came through. If the new officers had really had that skill to review and reassess the
documents, The Farm would not have had to disburse huge amount of currencies to the
experts! Anyway, the new officers would be the ones who would present the repackaged
documents to My-Shell the Crab and thereafter to Sage the Holy who would not present to the
Members of the BORED. Thus the real toilers had become toilets instead! And the pseudo-
toilers had stolen the thunders from underneath the toilers. This was to be expected as My-Shell
the Crab was of the same ilk as the Heads of Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble and
Wizard and Magician who were the protégés of Sage the Holy.
The Realm of Decree and Diktat were fond of assigning the guilt to the previous Farm’s
Management. She would not hesitate to censure the remnants of the previous Farm’s
Management even though she had no clear substantiation nor verification. Al she had was the
concurrence of Sage the Holy as well as Ozlon the Obese. In fact the phrase, “Legacy Issues”,
which was strewn all over The Farm, was her creation! Indeed, if anything was amiss, the
49. favorite phrase would be, “Well, it was a legacy issue”, and everybody was happy that the issue
was answered by just this phrase.
The New Farmer, Sage the Holy was a very frequent user of this phrase thanks to my-
Shell the Crab. The New Representative surprisingly also was a frequent user of this phrase
which was surprising as someone who claimed to be from Oxbridge, would be expected to have
better phraseology than this. And so, everybody would from then on conveniently utilize this
magic phrase for all sorts of situations and circumstances and would get away with anything.
Imagine, how would the erstwhile people who were and had been the backbone of the
creation of The Farm would feel? They, who were the remnants and who had continuously
toiled without consideration of anything but for the Farm’s well-being!
Anyway, there were not that many issues and for a Farm of this size, there were bound
to have some level of issues related mainly to the customers and clients of The Farm. Thus,
most of these issues would normally be resolved by the Realm. Nevertheless, My-Shell the
Crab and her crabs, had conveniently continue to engage experts whilst her crabs would
supervise and she would administer, and the erstwhile remnants would continue to work their
My-Shell the Crab was also part of the FART (Fast Action Response Team) and would
most of the time be in the meeting chaired by the New Farmer, Sage the Holy and minuted by
the Head Buffoon. The Head Buffoon, Nee-Psalm the Din and My-Shell the Crab were
apparently very close. Most were wondering why they were so close, since Nee-Psalm the Din
was not wedded whilst My-Shell the Crab was. Perhaps it was because they had something in
common. Nee-Psalm the Din inadvertently in the FART would behave as though he was the
New Farmer and would make an awfully and extremely din and racket and would direct his
scathing remarks and comments towards his favorite nemesis, the Temporary Head of Minion
Resource. All through this charade, My-Shell the Crab would also pitch in and was in support of
Nee-Psalm the Din. This charade was orchestrated by Ozlon the Obese, the New
Representative, apparently to ruffle the feathers of the New Farmer to ascertain whether he
would be able to manage the FART well enough or otherwise.
On one occasion, Nee-Psalm the Din was making a hell of a din and was directing this
towards the Senior Assistant Farmer, the Head of Farming. Nee-Psalm the Din did not check his
source of information and was immediately torn to shreds by the Head of Farming. In the ruckus
and pandemonium, My-Shell the Crab would also pitch in support of Nee-Psalm the Din, and
was also gutted by the head of Farming since he had all the data and information. Now, the
New Farmer was not happy as the two favorite minions of Ozlon the Obese had been reduced
to tatters and this reflect badly on him in front of Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative.
Thus the three of them had conspired to ‘remove’ the Senior Assistant Farmer, the Head
of Farming from that point onwards. And who had been the intermediary? None other than the
Temporary Head of Minion Resource, Hedge the Gee the favorite nemesis of the Head Buffon.
50. PART XIII
Realm of Minion Resource
51. Part XIII
The Realm of Minion Resource
The Realm of Minion Resource had recently undergone very turbulent times and all
because the New Farmer had decided to employ his childhood friend Zee the Glam, as the
Head of Minion Resource! Zee the Glam was formerly employed by the farm Eastern Numeral
where he was the Head of Minion Resource. He was in that position simply because Eastern
Numeral required a local to be part of the organization as the locality’s decreed that at least
30% of the workforce must be local. Thus, 1 Head of Minion Resource plus many farmhands
was equivalent to 30% of the workforce. Zee the Glam was very happy to be there and was
prospering. Indeed, one could mistake him as The Farmer by virtue of his disposition and
appeal. Somehow or rather he was carried away and had inadvertently behaved as though he
was The Farmer and had in many instances given favors to his kindred and comrades
bypassing Eastern Numeral’s canons and tenets, so much so that The Farmer had no choice
but to request Zee the Glam to disappear or various suits would be taken against him.
At this juncture, he had already left his spouse and was very much on the way to
courting a famous starlet and celebrity. Certainly he would be in a quandary since to maintain
his lifestyle and that of the celebrity including to manage his previous mate would be somewhat
constrained if he had no obvious means of revenue. Hence, the offer of Sage the Holy was very
timely indeed! Not only would he be moving to a higher profile farm, he was offered very
substantial remuneration and benefits. At that point in time, he was the third highest paid
individual at The Farm besides Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy until somehow Nee-Psalm
the Din got wind of it and complained to Ozlon the Obese was immediately upgraded and
promoted to twice his current remuneration and various benefits to the third highest paid
individual whilst still taking and jotting some minutes!
When he reported to The Farm, all were abuzz about his impending nuptials to the
celebrity. His appointment to The Farm was widely reported in the glitzy media. In fact,
mysteriously hundreds of copies of the magazine were all over the place at The Farm! Thus
everybody knew who Zee the Glam was and who his intended partner was. So for months
everybody was talking about Zee the Glam and his future partner. For months nobody cared too
much about whether Minion Resource was managed properly or not. For months Zee the Glam
was smiling broadly and was oblivious to the crisis facing Minion Resource. At the FART also,
discussions somehow or rather would focus on Zee the Glam and his celebrity intended partner.
This was to be expected as the New Farmer, Sage the Holy was known have a liking for starlets
and celebrities too! Ozlon the Obese was not too far behind! So, for months Zee the Glam was
teased about his celebrity friend et al.
The previous Head of Minion Resource was somewhat of a minor celebrity herself. Due
to that and using her wily charms on the Previous Farmer, she had managed to expand and
enlarge the Realm of Minion Resource whereby it had the most managerial-type class of
personnel of all in The Farm. This tradition was continued by Zee the Glam and the Realm of
Minion Resource had grown to an almost disproportionate size in comparison to the size of The
52. Farm. If one were to throw a stone at the Realm of Minion Resource one would surely hit a
managerial-class type person for sure!
Thus, the Realm of Minion Resource had more people talking and chatting and
conversing and squabbling and bickering and wrangling and arguing and giving the impression
that they were pondering and contemplating and cogitating and ruminating and deliberating and
thinking rather than doing actual work! In the end the work as usual would be done by the
Realms themselves except for the Realms of Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble,
Communal Conjectures and Wizard and Magician which by practice would employ experts and
they would supervise whatever the experts were supposed to do. The Realms of Decree and
Diktat and the Hangers including the Troupe of Buffoons forever would have nothing to do but
almost demand the best the Minion Resource would propose to the New Farmer and which
would be endorsed at the FART and subsequently approved at the BORED Meeting and finally
signed-off by the New Representative.
As usual, annually The Farm would be evaluating all the people in The Farm from the
lowly minion and farmhand right up to the Head of the Realm. These exercises would be
managed by the Minion Resource and they would always come up with differing criteria that
would favor their ilk – the Realms of Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Communal
Conjectures and Wizard and Magician including the Realms of Decree and Diktat and the
Hangers as well as the Troupe of Buffoons. Other Realms would have their SPIT – Strategic
Planning Indicator Table – in a very crystal clear manner and plain for all to perceive, whilst
these specific Realms (the Realms of Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Communal
Conjectures and Wizard and Magician including the Realms of Decree and Diktat and the
Hangers as well as the Troupe of Buffoons) would actually do not have any SPIT instead they
had their own version of SPIT – Strategic Planning Invisible Table – which only they would be
able to comprehend and accomplish. As the Realm of Minion Resource was also a subscriber to
this type of SPIT, the other SPIT had actually become secondary to their SPIT.
Therefore it was not a surprise that the people from these Realms (the Realms of
Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Communal Conjectures and Wizard and Magician
including the Realms of Decree and Diktat and the Hangers as well as the Troupe of Buffoons)
almost always would be rated very highly. In fact in the History of The Farm, never before had
one Realm been rated so highly as the Troupe of the Buffoons who had all the people inside it
(except those remnants) being evaluated as Outstanding! It was really a mockery of but who’s
to argue since the New Representative, Ozlon the Obese, by whatever rationale and motive,
had actually approved the ratings. Even the new Farmer was aghast since his minions were not
even rated that highly. Perhaps, the Buffoons had written exemplary prose out of all the minutes
that they had written and if one were to read them, one would be wild with ecstasy! But it was
far from the truth since the minutes were full of gaffes and bloopers!
Now, the Head of the Minion Resource were oblivious to all these since he was looking
forward to his impending nuptials with the starlet and celebrity. So, the PMS – Popular
Makeshift Syndrome – went as though it was perfect and had taken all the necessary conditions
into place. The PMS had undergone various transformations and had been adopted in its
53. present from when Sage the Holy and Zee the Glam had proposed to Ozlon the Obese on the
superiority of the system. Obviously, Nee-Psalm the Din had a hand it since his Troupe of
Buffoons (and him off course) had benefitted greatly from the PMS. And so The Farm had two
versions of SPIT and PMS without the New Farmer or the New Representative realizing it! Even
with the wisdom of the Members of the BORED, these SPIT and PMS was adopted and
approved for implementation without anyone realizing the fallacy of the proposal. This could
only happen of course with the connivance of the Head Buffoon and the Head of the realm of
The day of the nuptials was becoming closer and closer. Zee the Glam had used his
position as the Head of Minion Resource to mobilize his people to administer his nuptial
preparations and arrangements. The people of Minion Resource were very happy indeed as
they would not be working at The Farm but instead would be mingling with all sorts of starlets
and would-be celebrities. The ceremony was a grand affair indeed and Who’s Who of the
locality were invited. Major and minor celebrities were there. Zee the Glam was very glamorous
on that night almost outshining his partner! The Members of the BORED were very happy too as
they seldom had the opportunity to mingle with these kinds of people whose basic idea of life
was to glamorous and more glamorous at all cost!
So a few months after the nuptials, Zee the Glam was caught utilizing The Farm’s Credit
Credentials for purchasing his or her personal objects and had failed to reimburse The Farm.
Anyway, Zee the Glam was let-off with a reminder. But, a few months later, he had again
utilized The Farm’s Credit Credentials to procure furniture and fittings to the tune of almost ten
times his remuneration and similarly had failed to reimburse The Farm. He had no choice but to
leave The Farm due to this oversight. When he left, it was announced that Zee the Glam had
other offers and interests and was leaving to pursue these.
Thus, on the interim a Temporary Head was appointed, Hedge the Gee. Almost without
exception, he was also a good acquaintance of Sage the Holy. When Sage had not become
Holy yet, he had Hedge the Gee and another super person, Ewe the Nose as his personal
advisors. When Sage was not holy, he was caught by his spouse for alleged transgression with
some hot lass and lasses and all hell were about to break loose were it not for the intervention
of Hedge the Gee and Ewe the Nose. Sage the Unholy had Hedge the Gee and Ewe the Nose
as his witnesses to convince his spouse that he would turn over a new leaf and had sworn to
become holy. From that point onwards, almost always Hedge the Gee and Ewe the Nose would
plan some kind of sacred-oriented initiatives to make Sage become even Holier, if not actually
pious. Recently, Sage the Holy was stormed by his spouse at The Farm together with the off
springs. There was quite a ruckus and the week after, the personal assistants of Sage the Holy,
had left! Why? Because their significant others could not tolerate their spouses to be the keeper
of unholy secrets and transgressions.
Anyway, the term of the Temporary Head of the Realm Minion Resource had not been
long. He was replaced by a feminine Head recommended by the Ozlon the Obese as a wedge
to Sage the Holy who had by now thought he had The Farm as his own and would hire all sorts
of characters not necessarily required by The Farm. The New Head of Minion resource, Has-
54. Not Been, had been without any companion for quite a while. Sometimes she would act out her
frustrations on the minions outside her realm.
True to form, if you are either a friend of Sage the Holy or Ozlon the Obese, you would
eventually thought you are beyond reproach and would inadvertently betrayed your true nature.
The lure of perceived power would be difficult to ignore especially if one had the confidence of
Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese. With them as tour mentor you would ultimately succumb to
the temptation. This was what had happened to Has-Not Been. She could not resist that
temptation was caught in the midst of enjoying the fascination of the dominance. Anyway,
Hedge the Gee was still there to continue the tradition. And he was ably supported by Ewe the
Nose. These two had performed almost like the infamous Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
who were the sweet villains. Hedge the Gee and Ewe the Nose were the Holy villains hiding
behind sacred rites to do the unholy biddings of Sage the Holy who was becoming unholy by the
55. PART XIV
Realm of Wangle and Finagle
56. Part XIV
The Realm of Wangle and Finagle
The Realm of Wangle and Finagle was there magic could be applied if so desired. With
a little magic and a little reengineering, the Realm of Wangle and Finagle could make certain
things disappear, make somebody a hero or a villain, make The Farm very productive or
otherwise, allow The Farm to pay dividends and bonuses or not, in fact all sorts of things could
be done with the right sort of Wangle and Finagle person.
Ozlon the Obese who was once the Chief Regulator for the Locality had somehow
wrangled himself to replace the Old Representative. When he became the New Representative,
he replaced the Previous Farmer with a New Farmer, Sage the Holy. To complete the set of
hierarchy, he also brought in the Head of the Buffoon, Head of the Scanner, Head of the Mole,
Head of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker and Head of Wangle and Finagle, thereby repressing at a
stroke the existing people who had been manning and executing the functions albeit on an
interim basis. Thus, by this the people had no opportunity at all to grow within The Farm. The
New Representative was a suspicious person by nature and would not in any circumstance
believe any of the existing people.
Before the new Farmer was appointed, The Farm was on the interim managed by 2
Senior Assistant Farmers, one to look after the Farming Operation and one to look after the
Plant, Crops and Produce Development. When the New Representative was appointed, even
though he had appointed the two Interim Farmers, he in actual fact was there seemingly
managing the Farm on daily basis. In actual fact, what he did was to listen to a lot of briefings
and then pretend to ponder and then seeming proceed to proffer his views, which had no
decision at all! Most of the decisions were actually presented by the two Interim Farmers.
One day he called the two Interim Farmers apparently for a meeting, but actually, to sit
in as though they were part of a panel of interviewers, to assess the potential Head of Wangle
and Finagle. Immediately, the New Representative began to wax lyrical about the potential
Head of Wangle and Finagle at his previous place which was where they had worked together.
Was this not simultaneous collusion and coercion? But what can the Interim farmers do? Ozlon
the Obese had also brought in a Junior Member of the BORED into The Farm apparently to
assist him but more often than not to do his bidding! Mind you, The Farm by this time was
operating more like a feudal system rather than a professionally run farm! Whilst Ozlon the
Obese would not decide (or would not put his signature on any pertinent documents more
accurately!), all matters must be brought to his attention. This was more for his benefit than for
The Farm as he would be able to orchestrate matters to his liking. Anyway, the Head of The
Wangle and Finagle, Wing the Tai-Chi, was duly appointed.
By the way, Wing the Tai-Chi had been discharged from his previous place (where
Ozlon the Obese was the Chief) was give very hefty gratuities. In fact he was very well-off and
did not require this employment. The offer was too good to be true and Wing the Tai-Chi off
course agreed without any second thoughts. Wing the Tai-Chi like Ozlon the Obese, had never
in their life did any farming of involved in any farming. What expertise they had were related to
57. policing and regulating and normalizing and conforming and legalizing trades and commerce
which may or may not be related to farming, but, certainly related to making wealth out of other
peoples’ riches. The business of policing that they had was a monopolistic business decreed by
the locality and thus they had never known real competition.
With this background, Wing the Tai-Chi came and became the Head of Wangle and
Finagle and immediately made enemies of the people in the Realm of Wangle and Finagle. As
he came from a background of policing and regulating including the culture of employing
experts, Wing the Tai-Chi (perhaps Ozlon the Obese) had not actually been doing and wangling
and finagling. And Wing the Ta-Chi obviously with his exalted position began to decree
commands and instructions without understanding the intricacies of The Farm. More so, he had
given these commands and instructions without any leadership, guidance and advice. Thus, the
wangling and finagling could not meet the New Representative and the members of the BORED
And when the New Farmer came in, the Head of Wangle and Finagle also became his
nemesis. Wing the Tai-Chi was fond of pointing discrepancies and mistakes in the wangling and
finagling of The Farm and would point his fat fingers to those people he thought was the culprit.
However, when confronted actual facts and figures, Wing the Tai-Chi could not validate his
claims. And, these continued and continued until even Ozlon the Obese had become
embarrassed as he was the one who had brought him in, including Jabba the Jaded who had
provided glowing recommendations, and had assured that Wing the Tai-Chi was the best
Wing the Tai-Chi was not even perturbed or concerned by the situation. He had good
remunerations and benefits. His previous windfall was still abundant. For all intent and purpose,
his current position was in fact an added bonus which similar to that of Ozlon the Obese’s
position as the New Representative! Hence, the Realm of Wangle and Finagle continued as
though nothing was amiss. Any issues highlighted and emphasized by the BORED in particular
by Zen the Shearer, who once was the External Examiner of The Farm, would be brushed or
deflected to other Heads of The Farm whilst Wing the Tai-Chi continued to point his fatty fingers
to others except himself.
The External Examiner appointed by the BORED and endorsed by the New
Representative, would on an annual basis inspect the wangles and finagles of The Farm and
would thereafter report to the BORED and almost always would find faults. Under professional
situation, the Head of Wangle and Finagle would meet with the External Examiner and would
resolve issues with the aim of conciliation. Because Zen the Shearer was once employed by the
External Examiner, Cost-Wet-Abode, they had been conveniently employed without any
scrutiny. Ironically, issues that were once resolved when Zen the Shearer was the External
Examiner, now had become even bigger issues, presumably because Zen the Shearer had
taken affront towards The Farm all of a sudden, but perhaps personally to take retribution on
people of The Farm predominantly on those that had crossed his path before. Chin the Tai-Chi
in all these had expertly been able to skirt, dodge and evade these upsurge and eruptions by
reproaching others or more conveniently his subordinates.
58. Thus, the subordinates of Wing the Tai-Chi were viewed as lethargic and languid and
ineffectual and incompetent et al. It was no surprise that the turnover rate at the Realm of
Wangle and Finagle was the highest in The Farm. Many chose to leave rather than labor under
Wing the Tai-Chi. Some were lucky to have been able to be transferred to other areas in The
Farm. The second highest turnover was at the Realm of Minion Resource, but this was
fundamentally because the Heads of the Realm was always leaving once they realized that they
were not cut out to be in The Farm or get caught fiddling with the procedures of The Farm.
Sooner or later, Wing the Tai-Chi would have run out of people to point and subordinates
to impeach, and that day actually came relatively soon. The Members of the BORED had finally
realized that Wing the Tai-Chi had actually continued to dodge and skirt all these while, and had
recommended to the embarrassment of Ozlon the Obese and Jabba the Hut that when the
contract of Wing the Tai-Chi was up for renewal, it should not be continued. Anyway, this did not
really matter to Wing the Tai-Chi as the term that he had had at The Farm was actually a big
With the departure of Wing the Tai-Chi, did Sage the Holy propose the existing people of
The Farm to be considered for the post? Nay, he did not! And thus, it was left open for Ozlon
the Obese and Members of the BORED to again employ someone who had been
recommended by one of the Members of the BORED and an acquaintance of Ozlon the Obese!
And the cycle continued!
59. PART XV
Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker
60. Part XV
The Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker
The Farm as with all other farms would need to market its plants, crops and produce to
gain revenue and hopefully profits too. As was usual, all farms would publicize and broadcast all
its plants, crops and produce in the locality primarily and sometimes in other localities near and
far. The wholesalers, merchants and traders not only within the locality but also those beyond
the locality were also involved in publicizing and broadcasting The Farm’s plants, crops and
produce to the market. In fact, most of the cash were actually provided by The Farm since the
wholesalers, merchants and traders were actually required to standardize their premises, crests
and motifs to be similar to that of The Farm.
The Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker was assigned to administer these activities
and more besides. The Heads of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker over the years had changed
frequently. Indeed these changes were too frequent that the Realm had become an incubator
for people to move on elsewhere. Why these frequent changes? It was easy to understand! The
Realms of Composts and Dung and Jumble and Rumble believed that they had jurisdiction over
the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker. The Hangers believed they had even greater
command whilst The Head of the Buffon also believed that he has the highest authority of all!
Now, the New Farmer also thought that the Realm was to do his bidding in everything and for all
sundry as well as for his personal needs too! The New Representative was also lording over the
Realm as though the Head was working 24-7 for him and him alone! No wonder the Heads of
the Realm changed every so often as this was the case of too many Chiefs and very few Red
And so when the New Representative came, he had decreed that the current Head was
not to his expectations (that is to agree to his will) and needed to be changed. The current Head
was actually put there because nobody else wanted the position and being an engineer, he had
taken it upon himself to deliver his best albeit within the norms of The Farm and the Locality.
Apparently, the New Representative thought this was not good enough and had identified his
own candidate, Fay-Rid the Dough, who was in actuality was already over the hill. But, her
strength was that she would be ever ready to gratify and oblige the needs of Ozlon the Obese at
whatever cost usually to the detriment of the minions who were working for her, including that of
the previous head who by now had been demoted as her assistant. As in all cases like this, the
real and actual work would actually be carried-out by the assistant even the planning and
thinking parts as well as the execution part. The Head was merely feigning as though she was
the impetus and driver for all the initiatives.
Initially at the FART, the updates and notifications were being done by the Assistants
and the Heads were merely feigning and nodding whilst some were actually snoring. And when
the Senior Assistant Farmers complained, only then was the updates and notifications were
being done by the Heads themselves. Thus at the FART, she was really farting all the way and
when challenged had farted loudly, since she did not actually know what she was talking as she
had never discussed the updates and notifications with her assistant. Her assistant sometimes
had purposely inserted nonsensical items in between the updates and notifications which in all
61. cases would escape her attention as she would never take the trouble to verify the reports. As a
matter of fact, whilst she had farted the loudest of all, most of the Heads would also fart during
the FART and it had become a norm that Heads would always fart during the FART!
The Head of the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker had enjoyed her post at The
Farm. She had been fortunate actually to have been given the opportunity of a second life.
When she was at her previous farm, she was already on the way to retirement when the offer by
Ozlon the Obese, apparently a good acquaintance, was given to her. She immediately jumped
at the offer. Apparently, she was also a very good acquaintance of the spouse of Sage the Holy,
The New Farmer. So, all had worked well in her favor.
She immediately began by acquiescing and conceding and consenting and complying to
all those desires and wishes of the Composters and Dungers, Jumblers and Rumblers,
Buffoons and Hangers, and most of all Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese. The people were
extremely happy with her as she would always do their biddings and not necessary those that
would benefit The Farm! And the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker had become the
biggest spender of all at The Farm. The annual expenses of the Realm would surpass the
budget for the development of a new plant of crop or grain or produce! However, the commerce
and trade of The Farm did not actually improve as it was supposed to be with the intense and
overblown expenses by Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker.
As it turned-out the expenses actually spent for publicizing and broadcasting The Farm’s
plants, crops, grains and produce only constituted very minor portion of the whole expenses.
The rest were spent in publicizing and broadcasting the activities of Ozlon the Obese, Sage the
Holy and others deemed necessary by the Realms of Compost and Dung and Jumble and
Rumble, including of course the Hangers and Buffoons.
Because Ozlon the Obese were from the Locality’s offshoot that dealt with the regulatory
and pecuniary divisions, he was fond of inviting those regulators as well as those investors to
reveal and exhibit the status of The Farm under his administration, and those that were still not
meeting the expectations of the regulators and investors would be conveniently attributed to the
Previous Farm’s Management in particular the Previous Farmer, TQ-Am-ill. Those that had
brought positive values would be assigned to the New Administrators in particular, the New
Representative, Ozlon the Obese. Some mention would be given to Sage the Holy too since the
New Administrator had brought him in. And at these gatherings the Hangers would be ever so
busy fleeting here and there between the regulators and investors demonstrating as though they
were the ones who had made things happened! And the Buffoons were far behind. Expenses
were not spared and all these were planned and proposed by Fay-Rid the Dough. Every so
often, at the FART, Fay-Rid the Dough would present these plans and these were almost
immediately approved for implementation by Sage the Holy as more often than not, he would
also reap the benefit in whatever form.
Sage the Holy was very fond of divine and sacred related activities. He would put on his
most pious, virtuous and devout face and would front the activities so that his journey towards
making himself the Most Holy would be fulfilled if not in spirit but at least in manifestation. He
was ably assisted by Ewe the Nose and Hedge the Gee his two trusted and pious assistants
62. from his previous farm. So the charade of being sublime and hallowed was perpetuated and
continued by Sage the Holy and Ewe the Nose as well as Hedge the Gee. Any farmers who
failed to participate would be harasses and pestered by the Hangers and the Buffoons so much
so that they would attend these events even though they had no conviction and belief in the
charade. No expenses were spared too in these events. And Fay-Rid the Dough would be
happily planning and promoting these events whilst she did not turn up for any of these events
as she had the “Go out of Jail” excuse, “It’s that time of the month” even though she had already
been afflicted by menopause by this time!
Due to these two requirements, Ozlon the Obese with the regulators and investors and
Sage the Holy with the divine and sacred activities, Fay-Rid the Dough would take opportunity
to bring forth her agenda with both Ozlon and Sage agreeing to her proposals for immediate
implementation. She would employ pseudo-experts that would prepare complex programs and
initiatives related to publicizing and broadcasting that would eventually be endorsed for
implementation to her preferred implementer, Mac-Yes and Associates. So whatever the event,
whatever the focus, whatever the occasion, Mac-Yes would almost assured to be there reaping
the multi-million ringgit accounts. And yes, the Hangers and Buffoons would also be associating
with the Mac-Yes’ and could sometimes be confused as the Associates!
The Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker with the expert assistance of Mac-yes would
develop mini-episodes of The Farm building its Brand or mini-stories of The Farm’s journey in
developing the produce or mini-pamphlets of The Farm in action for the public and more for
Mac-Yes and associates! Also at the behest of Ozlon, choice tittle-tattles would be developed by
Mac-Yes and posted on the net and web including Nosy Parker or telltales about the previous
administration and it’s supposedly mismanagement. And because of these tittle-tattles and Nosy
Parker, many good people left the Realm and some of the vacancies were plugged by the
Hangers and the Buffoons who were happy to be there since they could become the alter-
associates for Mac-Yes and would be able to mingle with the media and glamorous types.
63. PART XVI
Realm of Concoction and Conception
64. Part XVI
The Realm of Concoction and Conception
The life-line of any farm would depend upon the plants, crops, grains and various
produce that the farm produce and continue to produce. As in any other commerce, there would
be multitudes and hordes of farms within the locality or outside of the locality, near and far. The
farms usually would trade and retail their various produce through networks of wholesalers,
merchants and traders and very rarely direct to the consumers or buyers. What differentiate one
farm from the other would be the way the produce were flogged to the consumers or buyers but
even more important would be how the various produce were perceived and distinguished by
the consumers and buyers. As in all cases, consumers and buyers were a fickle lot and they
deemed that they were always right.
Thus, it was left to the Realm of Concoction and Conception to contemplate, deliberate,
ponder, muse, mull over, reflect and think what types, variants, alterations, adaptations,
revisions, mutations and changes of plants, crops, grains and various permutations of produce
to be produced. The Farm had over the years invested heavily in ensuring that the plants, crops,
grains and various permutations of produce would have finesse and elegance as well as
meeting the farming intents and notions.
Thus, The Farm had sent the Conceptioners to various parts of the world to learn about
finesse and elegance. The Farm had also invested millions in machines that would be able to
visualize and form the intended finesse and elegance of the plants, crops, grains and various
permutations of produce. In fact The Farm had the most sophisticated and up-to-date machine
within the Locality. Many dignitaries not only within the Locality but from outside the Locality had
been invited to The Farm by the New Representative, who was also an agent of the Locality, to
unveil to all and sundry that the Locality’s capability, if not capacity, of conceptualizing future
plants, crops, grains and produce was comparable and equivalent to Other Farms. The New
Representative was in his element during these events and always forgot to give due accolade
to the Previous Farmer, TQ-Am-ill who with the Senior Assistant Farmer, Namaz-Lu-Ramak,
had envisioned and executed the transformation of the Conception!
TQ-Am-ill with the Senior Assistant Farmer had also concurrently transformed the
Concoction too since Conception would require Concoction to make ideas into reality. Similarly,
many dignitaries not only within the Locality but from outside the Locality had been invited to
The Farm by the New Representative, who was also an agent of the Locality, to unveil to all and
sundry that the Locality’s capability, if not capacity, of concocting future plants, crops, grains
and produce was comparable and equivalent to Other Farms. He also failed to give due
accolade to TQ-Am-ill and Namaz-Lu-Ramak for developing and progressing the Concoction to
competent and proficient levels almost as good as Other Farms.
In fact, the new crop and variants, the New Persimmon, Sago and Multi-Purpose-Grain
was developed during the tenure of the Previous Farmer and only come to fruition during the
tenure of the New Representative and New Farmer since the gestation period was long. Each
new crop and variant would require various permutations of conceptions before the concoction
65. could begin, and at each stage of the concoction, various validations and corroborations would
be required to determine the efficacy, merit and appeal of ach new crop or variant. Thus the
New Farmer and the New Representative were basking in the glory of the new crops even
though it was them that had developed them.
The Realm of Concoction and Conception during the tenure of the New Farmer was
helmed by Ahab the Clad since Namaz-Lu-Ramak was demoted to become the Senior
Assistant Farmer with limited access to funds and projects. Now, both Ozlon the Obese and
Sage the Holy were somewhat skeptical and hesitant about Ahab the Clad’s aptitude and
predisposition on developing new crops and subsequent variants. Thus, Sage the Holy had
assigned the Head of Compost and Dung to be the visionary of new crops development
purportedly since he was nearer to the wholesalers, merchants and traders and would have the
best vision and image of what should be developed. But in actuality, the Head of Compost and
Dung, Tsar-Day the Tan had never developed any plant or crop or grain personally! But, since
he was of the same ilk as Sage the Holy and was from the same farm, he was thrust into this
position. So, if Ahab the Clad had any visions or images of his own, they would not pass muster
unless they had been eyed by Tsar-Day the Tan, and so the Realm of Compost and Dung had
became the tail that wag the Realm of Concoction and Conception, the dog!
The Farm was lucky at this juncture because the New Persimmon, Sago and Multi-
Purpose Grain was well on their way to be concocted and Tsar-Day the Tan was merely jostling
along with the tide and sometimes ventured above the tide to portray as though he had all along
was the key developer. Ahab the Clad had no other recourse but to concoct the New
Persimmon, Sago and Multi-Purpose-Grain to reality. But, concocting three new crops would
actually be too much for one man and thus the New Persimmon was assigned to Tow-Nee
Chance and the New Sago to Namaz-Lu-Ramak whilst the New Multi-Purpose-Grain was
assigned to Ahab the Clad. Thus these new crops came to be delivered to the wholesalers,
merchants and traders as planned. And today these three new crops (Persimmon, Sago and
Multi-Purpose Grain) were amongst the top 5 crops in the locality!
As the Realm of Concoction and Conception was where the initial description of the new
or variant of the crops, grains and produce would be developed based upon what the Realms of
Compost and Dung and Jumble and Rumble had developed based from the feedback of
wholesalers, merchants and traders which may or may not be right since almost all of them
were really opportunists and had no compulsion to change their minds at the slightest prodding
or nudge. Thus, the Realms of Compost and Dung and Jumble and Rumble should be proficient
in analyzing the views and beliefs of the wholesalers, merchants and traders so that the Realm
of Concoction and Conception could then convert and transform those views and beliefs into
tangible invention and creation that eventually the buyers would procure and consume. And,
since the Realm of Concoction and Conception would be almost always be the first point of
contact with the numerous suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of
odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives, they are one of
the most important place of commercial and technological dealings, that would eventually
determine and conclude which of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and
purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives
66. would be successful! The Realm of Communal Conjectures however would be determining
which suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends,
scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives to be shortlisted and henceforth
would be in contact with the Realm of Concoction and Conception. Because of the nature of this
scheme and set-up, the Core and Creation Unit headed by Haze-Rain, whilst most would deem
to be somewhat trivial and inconsequential in matters of engineering and techniques,
nevertheless was very significant from the standpoint of the suppliers, vendors, providers,
agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements,
objects and even natives as the Unit would have the choice job of recommending which of these
suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps,
snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives they prefer.
The ubiquitous presence of the Head of Compost and Dung, Tsar-Day the Tan during
the selection of which suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds
and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives, to be proposed for
decision by the New Farmer, including the approval-paper-writer, from the Realm of Communal
Conjectures, was not seen as out of the ordinary. They were part of the SHIT, formed by the
New Farmer, Sage the Holy, to portray and illustrate the transparency of the decision making in
SHIT. Even Ahab the Clad, Head of Concoction and Conception could not put in his views even
sideways! Namaz-Lu-Ramak, Head of the Farm could not even be present since the SHIT more
often than not would be scheduled when he was not available. Thus, the favorites and
seemingly very capable Echelon #1 of Suppliers and Vendors the ever propitious Par-Mint-Tax,
Outgross, Pee-Hedge-Ann and A-Poly-Ma seemed to be able to invest and perform the major
elements and ingredients to create and realize the New Persimmon, Sago and Multi-Purpose
Grain! They, the ever propitious Par-Mint-Tax, Outgross, Pee-Hedge-Ann and A-Poly-Ma
seemed to have free-flowing resource and funds! What had transpired were that, The Farm
would actually be assisting and managing these ever propitious Par-Mint-Tax, Outgross, Pee-
Hedge-Ann and A-Poly-Ma by procuring their basic substances and sometimes providing
natives too! So at the end of the day, these ever propitious Par-Mint-Tax, Outgross, Pee-Hedge-
Ann and A-Poly-Ma did not actually invest anything but merely posing as capable Echelon # 1
Suppliers and Vendors. And, as usual, after a certain time, these ever propitious Par-Mint-Tax,
Outgross, Pee-Hedge-Ann and A-Poly-Ma would submit price increases and somehow or rather
would be approved by SHIT chaired by Sage the Holy and attended by Tsar-Day the Tan and
approval-paper-writer including Pallid the Grey and Ahab the Clad to complete the quorum!
The Realm of Concoction and Conception in effect had been utilized by SHIT and the
Head of SHIT, Sage the Holy as a vehicle to determine and appoint the ever propitious Par-
Mint-Tax, Outgross, Pee-Hedge-Ann and A-Poly-Ma including some others too!
67. PART XVII
Realms subjugated by the New Farmer: The
Realms of Attribute Exertion and Exotic
68. Part XVII
The Realms subjugated by the New Farmer: The Realms of Attribute Exertion and Exotic
There were other realms at The Farm that were seemingly minor but in actuality were
consuming major resources and funds besides the Realms of Compost and Dung, Jumble and
Rumble, Communal Conjectures, Wizard and Magician, Decree and Diktat, Minion Resource,
Wangle and Finagle, Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker, Concoction and Conception, and Farming.
These seemingly minor realms were the Realm of the Scanner, the Realm of the Mole, the
Realm of the Cipher and the Realm of the Hangers.
There were other Realms that were under the jurisdiction of the New Farmer because
Sage the Holy thought that he was better than most of the people at The Farm including the
current head and had the Realms report to him and thereby subjugating the realms to minor
role. These were the Realm of Exotic Exchange and the Realm Attribute Assertion.
It was incredulous that the New Representative, Ozlon the Obese had agreed and had
endorsed this scheme. It was beyond the understanding of the people of The Farm but not to
the New Farmer and his minions, particularly the Hangers. The Realm of Exotic Exchange and
the Realm of Attribute Exertion whilst seemingly reporting to Sage the Holy was actually
reporting to the Hangers and what mess it turned out to be! The Hangers by nature was adept
at dangling and draping and all too often lynching the unfortunate and poor soul who crossed
the path of Sage the Holy or Ozlon the Obese. Thus, some members of the Exotic Exchange
and Attribute Exertion had left not because of the work and pressure but because they can’t
stand the Hangers in particular Ray-Add the Man who would whisper menacing and perilous
words into the ears of Sage the Holy who in turn would immediately took ruthless and callous
actions without any inquiries at all! In the absence of Sage the Holy, which was very often, Ray-
Add the Man would behave as though he was the New Farmer. It would not be too bad if he
knew what he was doing but most of what he was deemed to be doing was actually culled from
the so-called farming experts that was hired more often than not at his instigation. It was
becoming incredulous that Sage the Holy would almost always believed and agreed Ray-Add
the Man’s suggestions and innuendoes. So, some people at The Farm thought Ray-Add the
Man looked and behaved just like Rasputin minus the facial growth!
Ray-Add the Man and the Hangers were really putting the screws on the people at
Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion so much so that the Heads left and a vacuum was
created since Ray-Add the Man and his minions could not actually do the chores and errands
that were effortlessly done by the Heads before. As the months slipped by the running of the
Realms of Attribute Exertion and Exotic Exchange became more and more dreadful and even
more appalling! Ozlon the Obese had bellowed to Sage the Holy that something must be done
otherwise the Members of the BORED and the main shareholders, the Locality would be
pleased and would only be too happy to rid Sage the Holy.
And Sage the Holy and Ray-Add the Man including Has-Not Been, Nee-Psalm the Din,
My-Shell the Crab, Tsar-Day the Tan, Sucker the Sap and surprisingly Ewe-Nose were
69. conferring the best means and methodologies to be undertaken to resolve the issues facing
Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion. Putting Ray-Add the Man in either position would be
out of the question as it would inevitably expose his as a fraud and a fake and very poor
imitation of an executive. No … no …!!! Recalling the Heads that had left would also be out of
the question since they would not return and be face-to-face with Ray-Add the Man who would
be beneath their wherewithal. So, they continued to scratch their heads and sometimes balls too
to find that elusive resolution that would make both Ozlon the Obese and the members of the
The Realm of Attribute Exertion was responsible to assure that the existing and future
plants, crops, grains and other produce from The Farm would meet the Rules and Regulations
and more importantly Standards of the Locality or other Localities. Otherwise The Farm’s plants,
crops, grains and other produce would not be acceptable by the wholesalers, merchants and
traders and eventually the final buyers! The Realm of Attribute Exertion was also responsible to
ensure that suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends,
scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives would meet the Standards and
Rules and Regulations set forth by The Farm. In essence, the Realm of Attribute Exertion could
determine which of the potential collaborators i.e. wholesalers, merchants, traders, suppliers,
vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff,
implements, objects and even natives, would have the propitious destiny of cooperation with
The Farm. Even the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Communal Conjectures did not
have the veto on deciding who would be approved! The SHIT also could only nod their assents
when the Realm of Attribute Exertion had acquiesced! Consequently the Realm of Attribute
Exertion was where numerous mischief and misdeeds occurred. Sage the Holy and Ray-Add
the Man were there abetting the mischief and misdeeds! It was understandable that the Realm
of Attribute Exertion was where one would sit to have the final say in matters relating to the
appointments of wholesalers, merchants, traders, suppliers, vendors, providers, agents,
contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and
even natives as these would be commercially-oriented and a lot of opportunities to be
The Realm of Exotic Exchange was responsible to ensure assure that the existing and
future plants, crops, grains and other produce from The Farm would be able to be retailed
outside of the Locality since the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had been entrusted with retailing
within the Locality. The Farm’s plant, crops, grains and other produce could be viewed as
competitive not only in terms of their concepts and purpose but also in terms of costs. But due
to exorbitant levies and tariffs imposed by the Locality the prices of the plants, crops, grains and
other produce of The Farm was barely competitive compared to other similar plants, crops and
grains brought in from Other Farms from Other Localities. In fact the services, parts,
components and systems provided by suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and
purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives were
also levied and excised exorbitantly too so that The Farm’s plants, crops, and grains could not
compete when they were retailed and traded abroad. More so when these plants, crops and
grains more would also be imposed with The Other Localities’ own tariffs and levies! Whilst it
was difficult to develop and farm these plants, crops and grains; it was more difficult to retail
70. them in the Locality and extremely difficult to trade them abroad. For reasons only well known to
Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy, retailing abroad had become a priority. Ozlon the Obese
was obsessed that The Farm retail at least a third of its produce yearly, never mind the cost.
The Head of the Exotic Exchange had left because he knew that retailing a third of The Farms’
produce would put immense pressure on The Farm and had disagreed with the strategy put
forth by Ozlon the Obese and espoused by Sage the Holy. This was further strengthened by the
Reformation Document that put belief that The Farm’s Affluence Trail – FAT – would be abroad.
So, they forgot about the local retail and trade and obsessed with producing plants, crops and
grains that most people abroad would not be familiar and would hesitate to convert and switch
Now, Ozlon the Obese and Members of the BORED had very low opinion of the
locality’s people as most of them were educated abroad and had taken the nuances and the
mores of these lands. Some of them even thought that they were not from the locality but
somehow had been there because they were a cut above the people of the locality. One of the
perks of being in the high echelon of The Farm was that they would be supplied with various
plants, crops and grains and some other related produce regularly so that they would be familiar
and could appreciate The Farms’ output. Always, they would criticize and whine and grumble
and nitpick that The Farm’s produce was somehow mediocre and poorer when compared to
those that came from abroad. Certainly there would be a difference! Those that came from
abroad were way much more expensive and somehow seemed better just because people say
so. The members of the BORED and Ozlon the Obese whlist being given that perks. Did not
actually partake them and comments made were not from their experience but from words of
mouths mostly from the competitors.
Sage the Holy and his favorite minion, Ray-Add the Man, stumbled upon this information
that Ozlon the Obese and Members of the BORED were very partial of anything that came from
abroad, anything at all! So, they hatched a scheme that these two Realms would best be
helmed by people that came from abroad. In fact Sage the Holy had proposed his candidate
and friend as the Head of Attribute Exertion and for the Head of Exotic Exchange, an
acquaintance of Ozlon the Obese. The remunerations and perks of these émigré was
formulated and developed within a short time-frame and proposed to the BORED Members who
had approved the scheme without much deliberation. They believed that what Ozlon the Obese
preferred would be what they would prefer too! Thus these two people from abroad came and
reported to The Farm and the people at The Farm were waiting with bated breaths and
expecting real changes for improvements in the Realms of Exotic Exchange and Attributes
The new Head of Attribute Exertion came and was immediately arrested by the Locality’s
Military, as apparently, he was a wanted man when he deserted the service and went abroad.
Whilst he thought that he would get away with the desertion after so many years, the Military
thought otherwise. Immediately there was a vacancy at the Realm of Attribute Exertion! Sage
the Holy should be mortified by this time as many people that he had brought in would
inadvertently had some issues and concerns and not what was painted to The Farm by him. It
71. was no different in the case of the Head of Attribute Exertion! The Farm was lucky that he did
not manage to report in and hence did not manage to do any damage to The Farm.
Before the Head of Exotic Exchange came in, the replacement for the Head of Attribute
Exertion was found. As it turned out, he came from the abroad and was very near the locality of
the Head of Exotic Exchange. As both of them came from abroad and very near each other, the
remunerations and perks of these émigrés were formulated and developed to be roughly similar
and were about five times more that what would be earned by the locals. As was usual, they
came and immediately present plans that would only be realized after a year at best. Thus, they
had the best times of their lives in these twelve months since all the work would be done by the
existing minions and whatever issues or shortcomings could be easily attributed to the previous
Heads who had left and who could not refute anything. Misery to the people who had continued
and hoping for better changes as the New Heads would only depend on them as they could not
make any difference as they would not know how. The culture was different, the locality was not
the same, and the expectations were much higher than they thought, the climate was not too
kind but the people were kind. So what choice would they have other than to bring in additional
people of the same ilk as them as otherwise they would not be able to deliver what they
planned. This was proposed to Sage the Holy and he had no choice but to agree, like the
Locality’s Proverb, “If one had to burrow in deep s*h*t with the fingers, might as well use the
whole arm!” And The Farm paid more money than was really necessary as inevitably the work
would be done by the locals and these people from abroad were merely window dressing!
So the Realm of Exotic Exchange continued to lose more money whilst trading more
plants, crops and grains to these exotic locations as a price to build The Farm’s reputation and
to imprint its myth in these locations whilst the locals were really subsidizing these consumers
abroad! It was certainly ironic because when the local people were suggesting the same, they
were deemed not to have The Farm’s vision and mission at heart, But when the people from
abroad was suggesting the same albeit on a larger scale whilst losing even more, they were
deemed to have the foresight and prescience of the future and right then investing for success!
And the Realm of Attribute exertion was really a copy of what the Realm of Exotic
Exchange was doing. The attributes were not getting any better significantly since the
wholesalers, merchants, traders, suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and
purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives could
not really comprehend what these people from abroad really desired as they were talking a
different language that what they had been brought up with. So, it was really a struggle for the
local people who cared about the plants, crops and grains and various others to meet the
attributes that at the retail end must be achieved. Did these people from abroad really cared?
So far no corroboration yet!
And with these two Reams, the expenses of The Farm ballooned by fifty percentage
points and the revenue had declined by seventy five percentage points. That was the value
brought by the people from abroad. All the effort and worth of The Farm carefully developed
over twenty five years had within a short span of time had dwindled thanks to Ozlon the Obese,
Sage the Holy and those people from abroad and the Hangers.
72. PART XVIII
The Minor Realms: Realm of the Scanner
and Realm of the Mole
73. Part XVIII
The Minor Realms: Realm of the Scanner and Realm of the Mole
These minor realms whilst seemingly inconsequential from the perspective of operation
of The Farm were actually very relevant and significant and not too be trivialized especially
when it came to matters related to the BORED, FART, SHIT, SPIT and FAT. These BORED,
FART, SHIT, SPIT and FAT are matters closely allied and allied and associated to Ozlon the
Obese and Sage the Holy.
Hence, the Heads of the Realm of the Scanner and the Realm of the Mole were there in
The Farm mainly to be the eyes and ears of the New Representative, Ozlon the Obese whilst
the Heads of the Realms of the Cipher and The Hangers were there to execute and implement
the wishes of Sage the Holy.
Ozlon the Obese by nature and by training and by profession was suspicious and
distrustful by nature. When he was the Farming Cooperative Chief Regulator, he had his Chief
Scanner and Chief Mole with him ready to scan and sniff out violators and infringers of the
canons and tenet of the localities. Thus when he was made the New Representative of The
Farm, he brought along the Scanner and the Mole as he was indeed suspicious of The Farm’s
people. So the Scanner and the Mole were installed as The Farm’s Head of the Realm of
Scanner and Realm of the Mole. As the saying goes, “It takes a crook to catch a crook”!
Perhaps, the New Representative was also by nature a thug and an outlaw and hence his
outlook that other people were similar as him! And it goes without saying that these Heads were
similar as him too!
The Heads of the Realms of the Scanner and the Mole actually had been discharged
from the Farming Cooperative Regulatory Institution and had been paid-off handsomely, similar
to the Head of the Wangle and Finagle, Wing the Tai-Chi! Therefore having a second life at The
Farm was a bonus and as they had been working for Ozlon the Obese before, they would
certainly continue to feel obliged to him and would in all circumstances be devoted to him and
would shield and defend him staunchly.
So the first order of business for the Head of the Scanner at The Farm was to burrow
and delve deep into The Farm with the express purpose and intent of revealing and divulging
improprieties supposedly happening rampantly at The Farm. So the Realms of Farming,
Communal Conjectures, Wangle and Finagle, Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Decree
and Diktat, Minion Resource, Concoction and Conception including the Exotic Exchange and
Attribute Exertion were indeed becoming hectic, frenzied, excited, confused, chaotic, harried,
agitated, stressed, hassled and beleaguered by the flurry of assaults, battering and mauling the
army of the Scanners. Predictably and unsurprisingly, the supposedly rampant improprieties
were just a ruse by Ozlon the Obese. He was misled, deceived and hoodwinked by Sage the
Holy with the impression that the Previous Farmer and his Team were breaching the trust given
by the Locality. No major improprieties were actually found and as in normal circumstances,
there were bound to be some minor errors and slip-ups. However, these molehills of minor
errors and slip-ups were being made into mountains of improprieties. The Head of the Scanner,
74. Not-High Tooth, was a master mountain creator and these molehills were no challenge at all.
And in no time all the Heads of these Realms, the Realms of Farming, Communal Conjectures,
Wangle and Finagle, Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Decree and Diktat, Minion
Resource, Concoction and Conception including the Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion
were replaced mainly with the cohorts of Sage the Holy and some allies of Ozlon the Obese.
These cohorts and allies now had The Farm in the palms of their hands or rather the palms of
Sage the Holy. All those improprieties supposedly done by the Team of The Previous Farmer
and which could not be substantiated, were now really being done by Sage the Holy openly
through the institutionalized process and procedures within FART and SHIT and even
documented into SPIT and FAT and surprisingly endorsed by the BORED Members chaired by
Ozlon the Obese.
Concurrently, the first order of business for the Head of the Mole at The Farm was to
assist the Head of the Scanner to actually burrow and delve deep into The Farm with the
express purpose and intent of proving that the revealing and divulging of the rampant
improprieties happening rampantly at The Farm were really true, the truth and absolute truth!
The Head of the Mole, Jam-Ail, was trained by PDRM (Patrol Deadly Regal Monitor) a well-
known outfit that could actually “beat the confession out of a polar bear that it was actually a
mouse”! This was widely reported and documented throughout the Lands and Localities and
until today no other Regal Monitors could lay claim to this feat. In fact PDRM had gone one step
better by beating the confession out of a mouse that it was a polar bear but sadly the mouse
was executed after the confession because it had attacked the PDRM!
Whilst Jam-Ail could beat the confession out of a rat, he could not beat anything out of
the people and Heads of the Realms of Farming, Communal Conjectures, Wangle and Finagle,
Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Decree and Diktat, Minion Resource, Concoction and
Conception including the Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion since there was nothing to
confess. So, Jam-Ail developed a document that required all the people and Heads of the
Realms of Farming, Communal Conjectures, Wangle and Finagle, Compost and Dung, Jumble
and Rumble, Decree and Diktat, Minion Resource, Concoction and Conception including the
Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion to declare their effects. Through this declaration he had
managed to wangle out mountains of alleged corroborations that would substantiate the
Scanners testimonies and proofs!
Costs were not spared as Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy had declared that they
would not leave any stone unturned, in fact if need be these stones would be broken and
crushed into dust! All manners of experts, moles, agents and officers were employed and The
Farm was full of these people. Some of them were from the locality and some were from
abroad. Most of them thought they could disguise themselves well but as everyone knows, if
one had not farmed, then one would not blend into the farm. SO these people stuck like a sore
thumb in The Farm. Everyone knows who they were. The Heads of the Scanner and the Mole
were busy managing these people and busy coordinating them into a tightly run unit. But since
their identities were known, the people of The Farm could conveniently ignore and dodge them
if they wanted to. However, true to their form, the people of the farm whilst becoming hectic,
frenzied, excited, confused, chaotic, harried, agitated, stressed, hassled and beleaguered by the
75. flurry of assaults, battering and mauling of the Scanners and Moles, had in fact cooperated to
the fullest since they had nothing to conceal.
Inevitably, the Heads of the Scanners and the Mole were in a quandary since they were
accessories and accomplices even collaborators towards all the improprieties that were
happening in the FART and SHIT and documented into SPIT and FAT and endorsed by the
BORED Members chaired by Ozlon the Obese. This was not a situation that was nice to be in!
76. PART XIX
The Minor Realm: Realm of the Cipher
77. Part XIX
The Minor Realm: Realm of the Cipher
All the information that The Farm produced on a real-time basis through all the
operations by way of the Realms of Farming, Communal Conjectures, Wangle and Finagle,
Compost and Dung, Jumble and Rumble, Decree and Diktat, Minion Resource, Concoction and
Conception, including the Exotic Exchange and Attribute Exertion in the form of symbols,
cryptograms and codes were supposedly to be managed by the Realm of the Cipher. The
suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps,
snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives as well as the wholesalers, merchants and
traders within or outside the locality through the related realms would produce immense amount
of symbols, cryptograms and codes that had to be managed, sorted, analyzed and condensed
into convenient and expedient packets for the realms to utilize and produce all the documents
related to BORED, FART, SHIT, SPIT and FAT as well many others.
The Realm of the Cipher was by nature very rapid and swift in transformation and
revolution not only of the devices and contraptions used but also that of the lingos and dialects.
Thus, it had become a challenge for the realm to convince The Farmer and The Representative
particularly the Previous Farmer as he believed that the horde of the ciphers were out to skin
anybody who used their services, devises and contraption as well as the lingo and dialects that
many would not really understand! Thus, convincing the Previous Farmer on the need to invest
in new devices and contraption including the necessary lingos and dialects was very strenuous
and grueling. And, not many had the energy and endurance to go through the intricate and
convoluted assessments! Thus in most instances, the investment of the Realm of the Cipher
would be somewhat truncated and would only be sufficient for The Farm’s intended initiatives
and not very much more.
In The Farm, there were two main cipher systems being adopted and implemented at
least within the fraternity of farming i.e. PAS (Plant Amalgamated System) and UMNO (Unified
Matter & Numeral Organizing). For many years, both PAS and UMNO had been utilized by The
Farm and thus far had been able to meet most of the needs of the development, farming and
retail. As in any systems, obviously there would be further opportunities for improvements.
Certainly PAS and UMNO were desirous of improvements in tandem with the growth of The
Farm. Now, when the New Farmer came into The Farm, the Previous Head of the Cipher who
was affiliated with the Previous Farmer, had no recourse but to leave and staying on would
create immense pressure on himself. The New Farmer, true to his form, had introduced his
friend and colleague, Micro-Change, as the Head of the Realm of Cipher. And did he last long?
Sure enough, true to prediction, he did not last long. As usual, the friends of Sage the Holy,
would always find ways and means to scheme and connive for their benefit and this was no
difference for Micro-Change. Anyway he was snared and could not wiggle himself out of the
situation. So he had no choice but to leave and Sage the Holy at one of the FART had
announced that Micro-Change was leaving to pursue further opportunities elsewhere! Never
once the truth was informed by Sage the Holy. These culprits actually were painted as though
78. they had bequeathed and bestowed The Farm with their expertise and had thus reached the
zenith and had no other choice but to look for further challenges elsewhere.
Anyway, when Micro-Change was at The Farm, he immediately proposed that PAS and
UMNO be changed to MCA (Minuscule Change Amendment) and PPP (Plant Program &
Progression). The MCA and PPP was previously the system developed by his previous
employer, Miniscule-Supple (MS) and had managed to penetrate the locality and doing brisk
business supplying not only the MCA and PPP but more so the process of adoption and
adaptation which had cost more than the initial cost of the MCA and PPP.
With the support of Sage the Holy and his colleagues the Fay-Rid the Man, Tsar-Day the
Tan, Sucker the Sap, My-Shell the Crab, Zee the Glam, Hedge the Gee, Wing the Tai –Chi,
Not-High Tooth and Jam-Ail, the MCA and PPP was approved to be adopted and to be
integrated with the PAS and UMNO. One can imagine the challenge and the amount of work to
integrate all these into a seamless and coordinated entity that would be able to cipher and
decipher all the various permutations of symbols, cryptograms and codes that had to be
managed, sorted, analyzed and condensed into convenient and expedient packets for the
realms to utilize and produce all the documents related to BORED, FART, SHIT, SPIT and FAT
as well many others! It was sheer madness. But since decision had been made and
commitments had been announced, the minions at the Cipher worked 24-7 and since they could
not realized the Vision and Mission of the Cipher, additional resource had to be employed and
who ease would be appointed? Of course the MS (Minuscule Supple)! SO MS made tons of
currency at the expense of The Farm. Rumor had it Micro-Change was also a prime beneficiary
of this arrangement and less than a year later it was found to be true!
When Micro-Change left, the programme was only part-way through, and The Farm, and
suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps,
snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives as well as the wholesalers, merchants and
traders were struggling to make sense of the whole thing. At the end, after all had been said and
done, the only logical solution was to let only PAS and UMNO to prosper with the right blend of
tweaks and tunings. So, The Farm spent a fortune for something that could have been done by
The Farm themselves without resorting to those people at MS (Minuscule Supple) and certainly
Still Sage the Holy somehow or rather survived this fiasco and until today, there was no
real replacement for the Head of the Cipher since The farm had realized that it could plod along
nicely without any expensive Head of the Cipher but an interim one instead. Sage the holy still
could not believe that the remnants of the previous regime were well-skilled and knew what they
79. PART XX
The Realm of Farming
80. Part XX
The Realm of Farming
Farming refers to the production of food and goods through farming and forestry.
Farming was the key development that led to the rise of civilization with the husbandry of
domesticated animals and plants i.e. crops creating food surpluses that enabled the
development of more densely populated and stratified societies. Agriculture encompasses a
wide variety of specialties and techniques, including ways to expand the lands suitable for plant
farming by digging water-channels and other forms of irrigation. Farming of crops on arable land
and the pastoral herding of livestock on rangeland remain at the foundation of agriculture. In the
past century there has been increasing concern to identify and quantify various forms of
agriculture. In the developed world the range usually extends between sustainable agriculture
e.g. permaculture or organic agriculture and intensive farming e.g. industrial agriculture.
About one third of the world's workers were employed in farming. However, the relative
significance of farming has dropped steadily since the beginning of industrialization, and
recently the services sector overtook farming as the economic sector employing the most
people worldwide. Despite the fact that farming employs over one-third of the world's population,
agricultural production accounts for less than five percent of the gross world product i.e. an
aggregate of all gross domestic products.
It was with this background that the Premier of the Locality decided to form The Farm.
And despite protestations from all walks of life who believed that farming was not what the
Locality should be dwelling in, The Farm was managed to be formed even with the challenges
thrown at them. Many people believed that plants, crops and grains and other produce could not
be farmed and retailed at the price that the people within the Locality and outside the Locality
would be willing to pay. Apparently, many still believed that plants, crops, grains and other
produce imported would be superior in features, attributes and characteristics than those farmed
What a challenge! Changing the mind sets of people who have been indoctrinated and
conditioned for a long time would indeed be tough especially if they chose to close their eyes
and mouths and ears. Persistence had certainly paid dividends to The Farm. For over twenty
years, the people of the Farm from the lowly farmhands to the white-collar farmers had toiled,
slogged, labored and sweated blood and tears to be where they are today famous and well-
known throughout the locality and beyond for producing sought-after plants, crops and grains
especially the new persimmon, the new sago and the new multi-purpose grains.
The Farm had indeed moved a long way forward for the last twenty over years and had
developed along the way numerous suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and
purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives as
well as the wholesalers, merchants and traders that dealt with The Farm’ plants, crops, grains
and other produce. Many people had grown with The Farm and had experience the ups during
periods of unmitigated success and downs during periods of sheer collapse but all would
persevere and continue to forge on and make The Farm an institution that the Locality was
proud to own.
The Farm was somewhat unfortunate, in particular during the launch of the old
persimmon since most of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors
81. of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives were new to the
concept of development and validation. The launch of the old persimmon was affected not too
much but enough to warrant the wrath of the consumers. Another launch somewhat close to this
period was the precursor of the new sago, the sawi, and, similarly, suppliers, vendors,
providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff,
implements, objects and even natives had not matured and had not begun to reflect upon the
lessons learnt from the launch of the old persimmon, had impacted upon the buyers’ psyche.
During these somewhat turbulent times, the Previous Farmer, TQ-Am-ill, was the Chief
Administrator. He had been blamed for all the fiasco by the BORED whilst in actual fact some of
the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps,
snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives were actually affiliated to some of the
Members of the BORED!.
At this juncture, TQ-AM-ill were very close to the Premier of the Locality. There was one
foray into industrial agriculture overseas, which was somewhat different than what The Farm
was familiar with, instigated by the Premier. And being a good administrator, TQ-AM-ill did what
he believed was the right thing, one to please the Premier, second to diversify the portfolio of
The Farm for future sustainability, third to gain insights into industrial agriculture, and fourthly to
integrate farming and agriculture into a workable future strategic growth. The industrial farming
that was looked at, EM-WEE-SEPTEMBA (EWS), whilst having the best plants and crops, had
not managed to breakeven and required injections of assets and funds to turnaround and be
lucrative. Obviously this would not require time and as always investments must be nurtured for
them to bear fruits.
But the BORED Members were mostly bean-counters and had never farmed and could
not understand the logic of the venture because they had been used to getting dividend within
months by purveying coins! Thus, the Members of the BORED had decided to remove the
Previous Old Farmer. But in order to do that, somebody must do it. The current BORED
Members were not that keen to do it so had decided to appoint a New Representative of the
BORED so that this could be implemented. And with that, Ozlon the Obese was appointed as
the New Representative and had the unenvious task of removing the Previous Farmer. This
episode would later hound him as he too was also removed later on!
Now, EWS as with any industrial agriculture would have debts, and in this particular
case quite substantial. But, EWS had in possession really sought-after crops and grains that it
had patented and the patents were quite valuable. Unfortunately, Ozlon the Obese, who was
once the Farming Co-operative Chief Regulator but who had never farmed, could not reconcile
the debts and the revenue of the EWS since he was unwilling to invest. So, with a keen eye and
a bloated gut, he had proposed that EWS be disposed for the princely sum of one coin, and the
Members of the BORED had praised his ingenuity for having found the solution so that The
Farm would get away from investing in EWS. Thus, Ozlon the Obese and the troupe of BORED
Members made the announcement of disposing EWS for one coin and TQ-Am-ill was
lambasted for having made the blunder to invest in EWS! Sage the Holy, the New Farmer
appointed by Ozlon the Obese, had also voiced out loudly that Ozlon had made the decision
with vivid imagination and ability. Today, the new owners of EWS had sold the patents for
millions of coins whilst also having the ability to continue to reap the benefits of industrial
agriculture! And The Farm totally lost the opportunity to diversify all thanks to Ozlon the Obese
and the BORED Members who had the wisdom to have decided to sell EWS for one coin. The
82. Farm could by now be farming some of the most sought after plants, crops and grains, but, alas,
this was not to be.
The junior farmers and farmhands were informed by Sage the Holy that EWS was not
really what The Farm need. However, The Farm had kept another venture which was somewhat
similar to EWS in another locality beyond the seas too. This was the Horde-Them, HT, which
had only one crop! This venture was kept simply because it was deemed important for The
Farm as apparently HT would have state-of-the-art farming technology and the like. But
everyone knows that the farming technology could only be applied to HT’s one crop only and
would need massive adaptation and modifications for other farms to utilize. Now why would The
Farm continue to keep HT whilst all along the one crop that HT produced could not keep HT
afloat and The Farm had to continue to assist HT not only in terms of minions and resource but
also hard coins! Why? Well, Ozlon the Obese was a very good friend of the Head of HT, MK,
Michael Kackson and somehow he was able to convince Ozlon and the BORED Members that
HT would be just the ingredient to assist The Farm to be successful beyond the seas. If this was
true it would not be so bad, but, what was true was that HT continued to burn The Farm’s coins
as though it was limitless! Sage the Holy in fact had allocated coins that were supposed to be
used to improve The Farm for HT and what had HT showed for that? Zilch, and what was
certain was that the coins went down the drain.
The Farm was for many years had been operated very lean and had managed to deliver
the returns that were expected from it. The Previous Farmer and his Team in fact had managed
to make more than a billion coins as well as to sow the seeds of the next generation of
persimmon, sago and multi-purpose grain. And when the New Representative and New Farmer
came in, The Farm lost a lot of coins mainly because to subsidize all the people over the seas
since they were not familiar with the plants, crops and grains produced by The Farm and the
Realm of Exotic Exchange had proposed and Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy had
approved the massive endowments all in the hope that one day the people over the seas would
be familiar enough with The Farm’s plants, crops and grains and thus would be able to gain the
benefits later! Was these benefits realized? Certainly not! And conveniently, the Heads of the
Attribute Exertion and Exotic Exchange blamed The Farm and the farmers that the plants, crops
and grains were not to the level expected by the people over the seas. Can the Heads of these
realms be believed? Well, these people from abroad had been at the locality employed by one
of the smaller farms and had not managed to fit in and had not managed to deliver what they
promised and had been asked to leave! When they left, conveniently The Farm had taken them
on board and had not checked their background. So what can The Farm expect?
Since The Farm under the watch of The New Representative and The New Farmer had
continued to lose coins and share of the retail, they must find somebody to blame because they
certainly could not blame themselves! Who and what could be convenient to apportion the
blame to? Easy enough, blame the remnant farmers and farmhands and declared that the
losses was mainly due to legacy issues and that these remnant farmers and farmhands were
not team players and could not picture the vision of Ozlon the Obese and could not carry-out the
mission of Sage the Holy! Thus a comprehensive picture was made with the paid assistance of
Farm and Farming Experts and the perception that the problems of The Farm even after Ozlon
83. the Obese and Sage the Holy had been the administrators and supervised by the BORED after
more than three years, were actually due to those remnant farmers and farmhands became
almost real. Many people almost believed since these were very often mentioned. Beacue of
these perceptions, four Senior Assistant Farmers and countless junior farmers, farmers and
farmhands had left. Some were asked to leave. Some were pressured to leave. Some left
because they could not stand the hypocrisy of both Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy. Those
that remain, the remnants, persevered and continued to farm at great personal discomfort and
risks, and had successfully farmed the new persimmon, the new sago and the new multi-
purpose grain without much aid from the new farmers and farmhands who always thought that it
would be beneath them to get their hands dirty by actually doing real farming!
With farmers like Ewe the Nose who thought that he was the ultimate if one was looking
for a farmer, how could The Farm move forward? The disposition of Ewe the Nose was exactly
like the ewe, full of hair, rotund and giving the impression of holiness. But, deep down, he was
not really holy since a holy man would always find the best in anybody whilst he was the
opposite. He would always found fault in anybody and everybody. Initiative instigated by the
Realm of Wizard and Magician would miraculously somehow landed in his lap as though he was
the one that had executed it and would hold on for as long as he had could and for as long as
the initiative would show progress and for as long as he had to do nothing! At the first sign of
delays or problems he would immediately abandon the initiative and passed it to some poor soul
who would later on be blamed by none other than him! Ewe the Nose was also putting his nose
in someone else’s business whilst his own business was never really being dealt with and had
never ever been completed, not even once. And as usual, he would relinquish those that he
would find to be of burden and entrust it to others. With this methodology, he would survive and
would seem to be delivering value to The Farm. Others such as Ray-Add the Man had learnt
Ewe the Nose’s technique and had adopted it and had made it into an art, the Art of Hanging
and has also prospered whilst actually doing nothing but giving the impression that he was ever
so busy strategizing this and that for The Farm but in reality all of that were sheer theatre and
drama. Whilst another, Tsar-Day the Tan, was adopting similar techniques as Ewe the Nose
and Ray-Add the Man since all of them came from the same smallish farm before and at that
farm they were really window dressers for other people that actually did the job of farming. Thus
Tsar-Day the Tan, were merely acting as though he was the expert retailer analyzer and the rest
was sheer performance. Still others, such as Zee the Glam, Hedge the Gee and Has-not Been,
had adapted the techniques to another level where others would execute whilst they
themselves, would prosper. These techniques of pseudo-farming were also being tuned to the
finest degree by the BORED and especially Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy.
There were many pseudo-farmers at The Farm. Many of these were brought in by Sage
the Holy mainly from the farm where he had been before. These pseudo-farmers were well
trained in the art of pseudo-farming as at the farm, the real farming were done by people from
the land of the slant eyes whilst they were at the forefront making-belief that they were the real
farmers. They had been so used being pseudo-farmers that they could be any other. Sage the
Holy was the most hard-core pseudo-farmer and was so adept at it that for most people it
looked as though he was a real farmer. He had learnt the right farming behavior and the highest
farming language so much so that even real farmers could not realize the difference. Ozlon the
84. Obese wanted to migrate from being an invigilator to pseudo-farmer but his disposition could not
make him one. Even so, he tried hard to be a pseudo-farmer and more often than not had
blundered and had looked like a farmhand instead! Sage was very happy indeed at these
blunders Ozlon the Obese since this would make him to be like a real farmer and would also
strengthen his position. Really at the core, Sage the Holy had designs to actually become a
Representative! In fact, this seed was sowed by Sage the Holy into the mind of the Head of the
Locality. And all the blunders by Ozlon the Obese had fortified his petition.
Anyway, stories and fables could not be continuously be yarned, because sooner or later
the real truth would surface and indeed it had. Both Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy had
ran out of fictions and parables about the remnants of farmers and farmhands. They, the
remnants of the farmers and farmhands were the ones who had had really created the new
persimmon, new sago and new multi-purpose grain and everybody knew about that. The sories
and fables could not carry any more credibility for both Ozlon the Obese or Sage the Holy. So,
one of them had to go. Somehow or rather, Ozlon the Obese was the one to go instead of Sage
the Holy! The Farm continued to be headed by a pseudo-farmer who had nothing else in mind
but to ensure his own benefits were taken care of. And the FART and SHIT continued to
become his vessels of prosperity. And his minions had also prospered.
End of Book I