A saga – A Farm
The Main Personalities
1. The New Representative - Ozlon the Obese
2. The New Farmer - Sage the Holy
3. The Previous Farmer - TQ-Am-ill
4. The Realm of Hangers - Fay-Rid the Man; Ewe the Nose
5. The Realm of Compost and Dung - Tsar-Day the Tan
6. The Realm of Jumble and Rumble - Sucker the Sap
7. The Realm of Communal Conjectures - Pallid the Grey; Maize the Roo
8. The Realm of Wizard and Magicians - Dr. Sammy Davis the Third
9. The Realm of Decree and Diktat - My-Shell the Crab
10. The Realm of Minion Resource - Zee the Glam; Hedge the Gee, Has-Not
11. The Realm of Wangle an Finagle - Wing the Tai –Chi
12. The Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker - Fay-Rid the Dough
13. The Realm of Concoction and Conception - Ahab the Clad
14. The Realm of Exotic Exchange - The Man from Abroad
15. The Realm of Attribute Exertion - The Man from Abroad
16. The Realm of the Scanner - Not-High Tooth
17. The Realm of the Mole - Jam-Ail
18. The Realm of the Cipher - Micro-Change
19. The Realm of Farming - Namaz-Lu-Ramak
The Farm was quite substantial in size and was in two localities separated by other
farms. In fact, the Farm had acquired substantial holdings in a farm whose residents were
substantially different and whose location was tremendously far and require many days and
months of traveling. The Farm had also decided to collaborate with other farms through the
provision of its propriety farming know-how including plants and vegetables. The Farm was
“owned” by the Locality (a bunch of old f*r*s) as well as other apparently gullible localities and
Apparently the previous Farmer who was appointed by the Locality (a bunch of old
twiddlers) was reported to have overstepped his limit and was removed, but in reality, the New
Representative (also a bigger twiddler) felt threatened by the Farmer. The New Representative
was deemed to be extremely qualified because he was the Farming Co-Operative Chief
Regulator and had never once in his life actually farmed any fields nor developed any new
plants or vegetables.
Anyway, a New Farmer was duly appointed by the Locality and with the express
agreement of the New Representative. Apparently this New Farmer was deemed to be very
successful and very skilled although the farm that he was working at had other similar Farmers
who were really skilled in farming and had actually done the actual farming - planting, seeding,
weeding and fertilizing including harvesting and selling whilst this particular Farmer had given
the impression that He was the One who had thought real hard and had farmed what he really
had thought while all along what he actually did was to shout to all others what he thought he
was doing and at the farm he was merely acting as a farmer.
So, the New Representative (happily twiddling along) had decided to get this New
Farmer on board and had overlooked existing Senior Assistant Farmers who were more
qualified than this New Farmer.
The first thing that this New Farmer had done was to bring to the Farm his Assistant
Farmers who were deemed to be experts and full of farming experience, into various areas, but
more so in certain areas that would impact upon the Farm's Expenses such as procurement of
fertilizers, implements and machinery; development of plants, vegetables and produce;
marketing and sales of plants, vegetables and produce; managing farm-hands as well as the
farm's modern system. What had happened was that the Farm's existing Senior and Junior
Assistant Farmers who had been with the Farm since the Farm's inception was actually
sidelined because they were deemed to be incapable of assimilating the new methodologies of
farming by the New Farmer as well as the New Representative.
However, after months of farming at The Farm, many of the New Assistant Farmers had
left. Some was caught because of improprieties such as using the Farm’s Credit Facilities for
personal business and had to leave. Others for allowing friends and partners to supply fertilizers
and implements without undergoing the proper procedures and was asked to leave or action
would be taken upon them. Still others left after realizing that they were not cut out to become
farmers. Many more left because of misrepresenting themselves as farmers whilst they are
actually farmhands and had realized that others also realized that they were actually farmhands
and were not adept at being farmers.
The New Farmer had made representations to the New Representative of the Locality
that he could not manage the Farm not because the New Assistant and Junior Farmers could
not meet the grade, but, because the existing Senior Assistant Farmers did not give him and his
expert New Assistant and Junior Farmers the cooperation required and had also not given the
New Assistant and Junior Farmers the help that they require to assimilate into The Farm. In
other words the existing Senior Assistant Farmers were not capable of managing not only the
existing Junior Farmers but also the New Junior Farmers, and, the existing Senior Assistant
Farmers were also deemed as non-team player since they did not manage to give the
impression that the New Assistant Farmers were farmers of high caliber and full of wisdom. As
such, the New Assistant Farmers farming performance were affected. They had no choice but to
resort to those “improprieties” just to execute their farming management and skills. They cannot
be blamed! It was not their fault. It was the fault of those 4 Senior Assistant Farmers. They still
have the grass root support of the farmhands and Junior Assistant Farmers and had therefore
meddled with the New Farmer’s superior ways of farming and managing. The New Farmer had
therefore made a bold promise and proposal. The New Farmer committed to the New
Representative and the Locality (manned by a bunch of old timers whose best decision was to
agree with the New Representative) that he can deliver superior plants, vegetables and produce
without the services of the Senior Assistant Farmers.
And so it came that the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers were asked to leave at the behest of
the New Farmer but portrayed as though they could not be part of the Team of Highly-Skilled
and Technological Farmers and had therefore left on their own accord.
After the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers left, the Farm’s conditions still did not improve. But,
the New Farmer had the knack of being able to convince the Locality (a bunch of ripe bananas)
and the New Representative (even a bigger banana) that the Farm’s performance had improved
whilst in actual fact it did not.
Ironically, before their departure, the Senior Assistant Farmers had actually developed
multiple new and variants of plants, fruits and vegetables such as the new sago which was
cheap and nutritious, new persimmon which was nutritious and full of vitamins, new multi-
purpose grains that would be wholesome and healthy including other vegetables and produces.
The Senior Assistant Farmers who had developed, planted, produced and were about to sell
these new plants were ungraciously removed (as narrated above) but to all the farmhands and
junior farmers, there were portrayed as not being able to make the cut and had thus chosen to
Still, The Farm had not improved even after the Senior Assistant Farmers had left. Who
was impeding the New Farmer? Who was not part of the Team? What did the New Farmer do?
The New Farmer had actually convinced the Locality (a bunch of ripened tomatoes) that
now the New Representative (even a bigger ripened tomato) was impeding him in a major way,
big time! He had given the impression that he could not be blamed for all the shortcomings but
instead the Locality must apportion the blame to the New Representative. Why? Well, as the
New Representative had given the assurance and impression that he knew all about farming
(which the New Farmer also insisted that he also know all about farming) then the blame should
be shouldered by the New Representative. The New Farmer insisted that with another
Representative, he would be able to do better. The Locality (a bunch of squashed grapes) by its
own virtue had consented to the New Farmer’s demand and as in the case of the 4 Senior
Assistant Farmers; the New Representative (now a really squashed big grape!) was also
The Other Representative also claimed that he knew all about farming and much more
besides whilst in actual fact he was very close to the Locality’s better half and had utilized the
better half to recommend him as the Best Representative cum Farmer around.
So, the Best Representative cum Farmer took on the job of supervising the New Farmer
and The Farm. And what did he do? Of course similar to the previous New Representative, the
Representative cum Farmer literally gave some choice jobs to his friends too.
Has anything changed? Not much though.
Meanwhile, the New Farmer was bestowed with all sorts of Honors and Awards thus
reinforcing the impression that he is the best farmer in the locality. And, to strengthen all this,
the New Farmer had made homage to the Holy Farm and giving the impression that besides
being a well-skilled farmer, he is also a most holy farmer, one without failures, constraints and
shortcomings. If there were failures at the Farm, it’s not because of him; it was because the
other junior farmers particularly the remnants who could not execute his brilliant farming
methods and ideas. If there issues, it’s not because of him and the new junior and new assistant
farmers, it was due to those farmers that he had inherited. In other words, to quote his favorite
phrase, it was a matter of legacy, legacy issues etc.
Real holy man does not broadcast that they are holy; rather, it would be the people
surrounding him who would say that whether one is holy or otherwise. Anyway, the New Farmer
was known previously at the previous farm and other farms before that as one who favors the
fruits of nightlife and enjoyment. In fact, he was once caught by his better half for having
relations, and had apparently repented and promised his better half that he would turn over a
new leaf hence the portrayal of being a holy farmer. He did indeed turn a new leaf over!
As the saying goes, “A dog even if it does not consume s*h*t, will nevertheless smell it”.
And this was what happened to the New Farmer. But this is another story altogether.
The Ballad of The Reformation
The Ballad of the Reformation
After the previous Farmer was sacked by the Locality (a bunch of brown nosers) and the
New Representative (who had the biggest brown nose), somehow the farming community was
affected by a blight. Some called it The Blight of the Lard and all farms were affected, big and
small; near and far.
The New Representative who had brought along the New Farmer was in a quandary.
What to do … what to do … what to do?
The New Representative had ordered the New Farmer to develop farming strategies to
counter the Blight of the Lard otherwise both of them might not last long in the Farm. Instead of
allowing the New Farmer to institute the farm’s machinery to implement its strategic planning
process, true to form (as the New Representative had professed that he knew all about farming
to all and sundry), he had instead employed Farm and Farming Experts to execute what the
New Representative had called Farm Reformation.
And so the Farm and Farming Expert went all around the farm and talked to all. Actually
they did not talk to anyone at all. The Farm and Farming Expert had gotten hold of a previously
developed document outlining the possible farm and farming transformations by the dismissed 4
Senior Assistant Farmers (portrayed as not making the cut). Thanks to them the work of the
Farm and Farm Expert was cut short.
As usual, the Farm and Farming Experts were blessed with the gift of the gab.
Combined with the power of the digital, the Farm Reformation Document was completed. It was
an amazing document, full of spreadsheet and data. The graphics were beautiful with the latest
technicolor and full of glitz.
Thus the New Representative laid claim to the Farm Reformation Document and had
waylaid the New Farmer who had lost the initial war as he could not muster the might to employ
the Farm and Farming Experts that had cost the farm close to 5 million sacks of rice and a few
sacks of tapioca.
And so that was how the famed Farm Reformation Document was developed.
Unfortunately, the 4 Senior Assistant Directors could not lay claim since they were not paid and
hence there was no evidence that they had developed the initial idea of the Transformation. The
Farm Reformation was ceremoniously paraded to the Locality (a bunch of fermented rice and
tapioca). The Locality had lapped what was paraded and presented to them and was full of glee
and had praised the New Representative to no end … what genius, what priceless art … what
brown nosers we are! Even the New Farmer had also praised and was full of awe of the Farm
In fact, the New Farmer had laid-out a Road Tour to parade and to present the Farm
Reformation Document which by now already inlaid with gold and gilt including sapphires and
diamonds and therefore becoming more priceless by the day (not because of the content but
because of the cover and inlays). All the farm’s employees were awestricken by the cover and
the gold and the diamonds. By the end of the road tour, a survey had been carried-out to gauge
the reaction of the farm’s employees. The survey unsurprisingly said all were amazed at the
beauty of the document but were not terribly sure about the contents. Some had said the
document were akin to a fairy tale, some were very sure that it was a novel, whilst some others
did not care since the document was so beautiful. Anyway, the New Farmer reported to the New
Representative that all employees were awed and amazed by the document! Again, the New
Representative patted himself on the back for a job well done.
But … the Farm Reformation Document did not tell how the transformation could be
The New Representative and New Farmer were at a quandary.
How to execute … how to execute … how to execute?
Ha! Why don’t we “execute” the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers instead as it was them who
had put the seed of thoughts inside the document?
And so it was, the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers were “executed”. The Farm
Transformation Document anyhow would require transformation as the execution strategy was
not complete. The New Representative could not by now request the Locality (a bunch of local’s
yokels) for additional sacks of rice and tapioca to extend the services of the Farm and Farming
Experts as by now the kitty must be preserved as it was running low very fast.
Thus, the New Farmer by a stroke of genius and holy awareness suggested, rather,
shove down the throat of the New Representative that setting up a Reformation Field would be
able to formulate the necessary initiatives and programs to be able to realize the virtues of the
Transformation Document. It was suggested that a Wizard and Magician known in the region as
Doctor Philosopher Sammy Davis the Third who was famous for making a mountain out of a
molehill, a river out of a stream, an ocean out of a pond, a mansion out of a room, and a book
out of a sentence.
And so the Wizard and Magician who is also a doctor and philosopher, was at the farm.
And the first thing he did was to call all the farm employees and to give his now famous address
… whilst he can transform a sentence into a book, at that occasion, perhaps let down by his
Djins and Cherubs, his intended verbosity became a squeak. Henceforth, he was known as the
Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician.
Apparently the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician had many acquaintances at the farm.
He was very skilled at the art of Flog an ancient game of wizardry and magic which requires one
to maneuver a miniscule enchanted grizzly orb into an equally enchanted and miniscule
aperture with various enchanted and magical staff. Many days and months were spent by the
Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician playing the ancient game of Flog and since he wanted to have
a sense of superiority, had on many occasions invited some of the farm’s junior assistant
farmers to partake in the flog too. Well, as expected, the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician
triumphed over all and he savored that feeling of superiority endlessly.
And so, this feeling of Flog superiority was carried-over to the farm too by the Pipsqueak
Wizard and Magician! He had forgotten that the world of farms and farming is totally different
than the world of wizardry and Flog!!! Inadvertently, he had alienated those acquaintances that
he had nurtured and triumphed from the game of Flog. Thus, to circumvent this unexpected
situation, he had convinced the New Farmer to agree to give him the mandate and authority to
employ junior wizards and junior magicians and missed the point that he should employ junior
and associate farmers instead.
Lo and behold! Even with his magic and wizardry he could not transform the
Reformation since his junior wizards and junior magicians had been putting spells and chants
rather than to till the farm. No wonder he could not transform the Reformation.
And so the Wizard and Magician and his entourage was banished and was never again
heard in the Locality.
Did the Reformation Document able to be transformed? That would be deliberated later.
The Ballad of the Hangers
The transformation of the Reformation was the key to the Farm. The New
Representative (who had done no farming at all), the New Farmer (who had asked others to
farm), the Farm and Farming Experts (who gave the impression that they had farmed) and the
Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician (who thought he could use magic and wizardry to farm) all had
staked their reputations and life on the Reformation Document. By this time, the Reformation
Document was further embellished. More colors were added from technicolor to multicolor.
More inlays were added from one lay to many lays. More diamonds were added from diamonds
to triamonds and sometimes quadmonds. Even the covers were not spared. All the colors, lays
and monds were also applied to the cover. By the end the cover could not be distinguished from
the very popular periodical Yoby-Alp which was known to be glitzy and full of blings.
Did the Reformation Document able to be transformed?
Indeed it was transformed! And many are now more concerned about how the colors,
lays and monds than what lay between the covers. So, some had suggested that the contents to
be also colored, layed and monded too. So, the New Farmer, who by this time was saddled with
the Reformation Document since the New Representative had conveniently disowned the
Document and had transferred the ownership to the New Farmer, had formed an outfit called
the Hangers to further transform the Reformation Document. The Hangers had in a magical
stroke transformed the Reformation Document by hanging it upside down and transformed it
into Document Reformation. Thus that was how the supposedly Reformation Document being
transformed into Document Reformation and no effort and resource was spared to ensure that
the Document was being reformed.
By this time, the Junior Assistant Farmers, Assistant Farmers, Associate Farmers and
Farmhands were much too busy farming and had left the transformation activities to the New
Senior Assistant Farmers. They had to make certain that the farm continued being farmed and
the plants, vegetables and produce sold to generate income to support all the farm employees.
In any case the Hangers were not interested in all these farmers since they are hangers and
hangers do not mix with farmers.
Hangers by nature hang all the time. It is by default therefore that what they do would
hang. Their processors hanged in all instances and thus they could not come out with the
Reformation Document and thus transformed it into Document Reformation instead. Their
workstations hanged all the time since they had hanged elsewhere instead. Their psyches
hanged all the time too as they purposely hanged them as the essence of being cool that is let
the farmers utilize theirs instead. Their demeanors were the epitome of coolness. They always
look cool. All the farmers and farmhands had their garb of consistent affirmation whilst they had
their cool and nonchalant outfit. One can really spot a Hanger by the demeanor and outfit which
were nothing like what the farmers and farmhand had. If one were not careful, one might in fact
be mistaken that the Hanger could be either the New Farmer or the New Representative (except
On one occasion, the New Farmer wanted to execute a Farm Appraisal and in this
particular case a mill. So the minion farmers were there and demonstrated how to scrub abd
scour the mill’s implements and utensils which was particularly grubby and mucky exercise. The
New Farmer with his gravelly voice had intoned that the work being demonstrated were not
good enough and had disparaged and censured the minion farmers. At the previous farm where
the New Farmer was before, he claimed that the mill was like a mirror that he could see his face
every day. He was disappointed that he could not see his face at this mill. The Hangers with
glee were recording the remonstrations and reprimands and flashes were everywhere as
numerous cameras were snapping away at these minion farmers who were stunned and frozen
with disgrace and humiliation at this public censure. The Junior Wizards and Magicians were
still around and had joined in this merriment. They were twirling their wands and were conjuring
minor lightning to supplement the cameras flash units. Merrily after such appraisals, there would
be numerous and duplicate report, assessments and narrations from The many Hangers, Junior
Wizards and Magicians to the same minion farmers all demanding immediate actions,
countermeasures, simulations, postulations, hypotheses, conjectures, conceptions, sensitivities
and follow-up summits so that the Hangers and their band of Wizards and Magicians would be
able to outdo each other in pointing out the shortcomings, limitations, deficiencies and failures of
the minion farmers. Thereafter they would present their version of the same thing but because
of their Oxbridge lineage, the New Farmer had accepted the Hangers’ version instead. These
would continue on and on and on and on until one day ….
there only because as a Buffoon he was to act as a glorified court jester mainly to jot down all
the yarns, gags, fictions, legends and gossips at the FART Meeting. The Head Buffoon did not
actually do this instead, to glorify his position (as he was not a full member of FART)
Apparently the Head Buffoon and the New Representative used to be employed by the
Farming Co-Operative Regulatory Federation. Hence, oftentimes at the FART Meeting, the
Head Buffoon sometimes acted as though he was the New Representative. In actual fact the
Head Buffoon was one of the species of Hangers who had become very much adept at being a
shape-shifter. So, whenever the opportunity arose, the Head Buffoon would pose as the New
Representative. But because he did this so often, none of the Heads of Realms would put any
notice any more.
The FART Meeting was usually very lively as nothing strategic or futuristic was
deliberated. Food and drinks was bountiful and as the FART Meeting usually was very long,
lunch was always provided. As the FART Meeting progresses all the Heads of the Realms were
munching away the food and slurping up the drinks except the Head of Farming because by
nature he insist himself to follow whatever was being discussed (gossiped) and deliberated
And so they talked about the length of the farmhands’ vests. They talked about the color
of the farmhands’ vests. They talked about how some the farmhands who had paraded the
vests were quite gorgeous and stunning and maybe they should also parade for the FART the
proposed Heads of Realms’ coat. They talked about how the New Farmer’s plan to visit the
Farm. The Head of the Hanger was in his element is proposing the program and what the farm
minions should do to pay homage to the New Farmer since the Farm, according to the Hanger
Head, had improved with the advent of the New Farmer’s address when he first came to the
Farm. The Minion Resource Head retorted that the minions were in awe at the New Farmer’s
verbose speech and intellectual understanding of the Farm and his superlative plans for future
The Head of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker talked and proposed about her proposed
media program and how the New Farmer should be portrayed. Majority of the Realm Heads
were in agreement that the New Farmer should be in all the media whether in print or broadcast
as he was the savior of the Farm. Without him, the Farm would not survive let alone prosper. At
this juncture, the Buffoon Head would interject that the New Representative should also be
given similar if not more exposure than the New Farmer. Thinking and viewing ahead of the
BORED Meeting, the New Farmer decided that the exposure for the New Representative should
be more than him and at this the Buffoon Head flashed a smile.
The Head Wizard and Magician meanwhile were casting spells and charms before he
utters his words (remember that he was the Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician). As he was about
to utter his words, a mouse ran all over the floor and he could not control himself and squeaked,
and squeaked and squeaked and pipped and pipped and pipped until the FART Meeting
Since the Head Wizard and Magician had squeaked and pipped, the Head of Composts
and Dung took opportunity of the bewilderment to put in his two cents worth, the Farm’s
program of how to consolidate all the composts and dungs so that they could become more
aromatic and pungent and would give the Farm the necessary aroma that the Head Compost
and Dung had believed was missing. The New Farmer decreed that indeed this was noble
proposition and had instructed the Head of Concoction and Conception to do a trial at one of the
smaller fields and requested the Head of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker to prepare a media blitz
on this program. The Head of Communal Conjectures and Wangle and Finagle were asked to
provide the strategic direction and budgetary plan for this proposal whilst the Head of Decree
and Diktat was asked if she could explore the possibility of patenting this program. The Jumble
and Rummage Heads were not particularly interested in the proceedings as his proceeds from
the jumble and rummage was more than adequate since the Farm’s produce were selling by
In all of these none of the Heads had taken the initiative to solicit the opinion of the
Farming Head as to whether the aroma is very pertinent to the farming in general, or, whether
the current composts and dungs were performing as what they had committed. And in reality, to
implore whether some of the composts needed to be changed and most of the dungs needed to
be revamped and constituted, or alternative dungs should be pursued even.
And so the FART Meetings continued as though the world was revolving around them
and the rest of the world was waiting for them. The Buffoon Head continued to buffoon, the
Minion resource Head continued to minion, the Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker Head continued to
tittle-tattle and nose around, the Compost and Dung Head continued to compost and spread
dung, the Communal Conjecture Head continued to conjecture communally, the Wizard and
Magician Head continued to cast spells but ended up pipsqueaking, the Concoction and
Conception Head continued to concoct and concept, the Jumble and Rummage Head instead
continued to jumble, the Wangle and Finagle Head continued to wangle and finagle, the Hanger
Head continued to hang but not himself, the Decree and Diktat continued to decree; all
according to the refrain of the New Farmer. And the only Head that actually did anything of
value was the Farming Head because he continued to farm as what Farm was supposed to do.
(Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)
The BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues) Meeting
The FART headed by the New Farmer consisted of the following realms, the Realm of
Minion Resource, the Realm of Compost and Dung, the Realm of Tittle-Tattle and Nosy Parker,
the Realm of Decree and Diktat, the Realm of Wizard and Magician, the Realm of Wangle and
Finagle, the Realm of Communal Conjectures, the Realm of Concoction and Conception, the
Realm of Jumble and Rummage, The Realm of Hangers and of course the Realm of Farming.
The FART Meetings in essence were held not because the New Farmer wanted to
convey and bestow his wisdom, acumen, prudence, astuteness and know-how to various
realms by means of the Heads (presumably brain too!), but rather as a means to foster, cultivate
and nurture the New Farmer’s apparent acuity in the world of farming and the ancillary pursuits
of farming. Thus the FART was in effect a self-serving receptacle for the New Farmer one that
he might steer according to his whims and fancies. Certainly, the New Farmer with the Hanger
Head in particular would contrive the outcome of the FART whilst seemingly debating,
deliberating, pondering the matter for resolution. A case in point was the debate of the Farm’s
aroma and how consolidating the compost and dungs would be able to achieve that certain
aroma that the New Farmer had been pursuing. The FART Meeting was alive and shimmering
with intellect in the now legendary “The Farm with the Aromatic Compost and Dung” manuscript.
The BORED Meeting was scheduled by the Buffoon Head and a fortnight prior to the
BORED Meeting, the Realm of the Buffoon was indeed very hectic, frantic and frenzied in
preparation for the BORED Meeting who were essentially representatives of the Locality (a
bunch of retired folks who had nothing better to do or nothing else to do). But why were the
buffoons very hectic and frenetic? The documents were not done nor were they originating from
them? So why were they so frenzied? Their actual job in essence was just being a glorified
clerk, no not true at all, glorified office helper, yes!!!!! Compiling and stapling and inserting all the
readily prepared documents in duplicates of 14! Still, why were they so frantic and chaotic?
Certainly stapling and inserting 14 sets of documents into a file would not be mind-blowing nor
would it be physically taxing!
Anyway the buffoons and its Head were wild and chaotic and spent endless hours within
the fortnight before the BORED Meeting preparing. What was the bunch of buffoons preparing?
In fact the buffoons inadvertently would exceed their monthly overtime every time the BORED
Meeting was scheduled to be held. Within the months after the New Farmer was appointed and
the New Representative was installed, the BORED Meeting was scheduled to be held every
month! Other meetings such as those related to the decree and diktat, wizard and magician as
well jumble and rumble were also scheduled to be held on a monthly basis. Still, those
documents related to these were drafted, reviewed and finalized by themselves and 14 sets
were copied and stapled and punched and would be ready for insertion into the massive files for
the BORED Members. Apparently the BORED Members, whilst giving the impression that they
were bored, had actually insisted on exhaustive and comprehensive and wordy documents
hence giving the notion that they were a bunch of thorough group of professionals. Still, this did
not explain why the buffoons were extremely hectic so much so that the Head Buffoon was still
a bachelor (not very certain though whether he was of the “other” kind)!
Oftentimes, the Members of the BORED would also insist that the Documents be
prepared days ahead and sent to their abodes prior to the BORED Meeting. Still this would be
done by the couriers or the farm-boys and as the practice, the documents would be prepared by
the Realms in duplicates of 14, sized A4, punched and stapled. Again this could not explain why
the buffoons were extremely agitated and frenzied during this period.
The Documents were requested in duplicates of 14. Initially, the Realms did not even
question why the required duplicates were in 14. The Members of the BORED were 7 in all. The
New Farmer and Head Buffoon were 2. So the total was 9. Where would the 5 duplicates go to?
This mystery was resolved when one day the “Old Newspaper” Van came along and stopped
near the buffoons’ office and lo and behold, tons of the duplicates were loaded onto the van.
The whereabouts of the deposits of the proceeds of the sales of the duplicates were not known.
When asked, the buffoons retorted that there were no actual sales; they were merely cleaning
out the unwanted wastes. But, in the first place why request 14 duplicates? The New Farmer,
after being informed, did not want any investigations done, but instead applauded the buffoons
for practicing 5S (Sneak, Skulk, Stalk, Shadow and Spew). Thus the 14 duplicates had become
Now, the mysterious behaviors of the buffoons come every BORED Meeting was
continuing. Since none of the Heads of the Realms attended any of the BORED Meetings,
nobody would know the goings-on inside the BORED Meeting excepting of course the New
Farmer and the Buffoon Head. The New Farmer, upon being newly appointed to the Farm had
within months (before the “execution” of the Senior Assistant Farmers) requested to the New
Representative that he wanted to visit the Sacred Farm to get blessings and be purified and
thus would be able to assert and declare devout status. The New Representative did not really
care about such things as he himself felt that being an Oxbridge (whilst actually being a
Penangbridge) was far superior than being a Holy Farmer. Thus the New Representative
consented to his request but as the next BORED Meeting was around the corner, he insisted
the New Farmer that “somebody” from the Farm must find a proxy. The New Farmer readily
agreed and had appointed the Head of Farming.
The Head of Farming, during the interim period when the Farm was without a Farmer,
had been appointed as the caretaker. Apparently, the Head of Farming and the New
Representative came from the same alma mater. During those days, the Head of Farming had
always been ahead of the New Representative in all aspects, studies, sports and extra-
curricular activities; such that the New Representative was full of envy. The New
Representative’s family was very much well to do but in this alma mater, it ability that counted.
So, for the five years in the alma mater, the New Representative was full of resentment and had
begrudged the Head of Farming always.
Thus when, he became the New Representative of the Farm and had “surpassed” the
Head of Farming, he was full of glee and had gloated when he announced that he had
appointed the Head of Farming as the interim Farmer Caretaker. In the ensuing months when
the BORED Members of which the New Representative was the Principal BORE, were looking
as it were for a New Farmer, he never once proposed to the BORED Members that the Head of
Farming was probably the best candidate around.
The Head of Farming (or the Senior Assistant Farmer) had been in the Farm since its
inception and had in fact cleared the farm for farming. Most of the farming processes and
procedures including the multitudes of technological adoptions and adaptations were planned
and implemented by him with a team of dedicated farmers. Before being made the Head of
Farming, he had been the Head of Communal Conjectures and the Head of Concoction and
Conception as well as being junior farmer for many years.
Anyway, as the New Farmer was in the Sacred Farm endeavoring to become a Holy
Farmer, the poor Head of Farming were in the BORED Meeting representing the New Farmer.
The mystery of the buffoons’ agitations and frantic behaviors were immediately known at the
start of the meeting.
Ostensibly, the Buffoon Head whilst reading the Minutes was persistently interrupted by
the Members of the BORED. Seemingly, the minutes were not accurate, most ‘factual’ (if you
could call it so) items were missing, grammars and spellings were abundantly errors, etc. etc.
Thus, the Head of Buffoons were chided and all sorts of innuendoes pertaining to his marital
status were thrown but never once were he reprimanded. And, the BORED Meeting continued
and the Head of Farming was reprimanded for having attended the meeting and for having the
impudence to pretend as though he was the New Farmer. Now, the New Representative had
mentioned that the New Farmer was doing his sacred journey, so had suggested that the Head
of Farming to represent him. The BORED Members however, felt that the Head of Wangle and
Finagle should be in instead. When explained that the Head of Wangle and Finagle was on
emergency leave (which he did all the time and seemingly was always on some emergency
errands all the time), the Members of the BORED had relented and the meeting proceed
smoothly. But, the mystery continued to unravel. Whilst the Head of Buffoon was there, he was
merely content to muse in his reveries since he had his Junior Buffoon there too to take down
the proceedings and account, not by writing notes but through the recording of the proceedings.
As it turned out, the Junior Buffoon were not very well versed in the language of the Farm and is
usually the case, verbatim recordings would be very difficult to transcribe days and weeks after
So, the frantic and hectic behaviors of the buffoons in particular the Buffoon Head still
continued because the BORED Member actually would like something to do in the meeting and
had enjoyed and rejoiced in rebuking the Head Buffoon jovially and had not requested any
improvement in the jot and note taking of the meeting’s minutes or hours as the case usually
Members of The BORED
(Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)
Members of the BORED (Bunch of Retired Employees Dialogues)
Now, Members of the BORED were practically senior citizens and some were extremely
senior citizens and most of them were from the Locality’s Ancillary Regions and Provinces and
had mainly dealt in Formulating Rules and Regulations related to chattels, capital, edicts and
decrees. So they were not too familiar with the language and workings of the Farm.
Nevertheless, by applying ‘business acumen’ and ‘common sense’ they had managed to slog
along and gave the impression that they were the ‘experts’ at farming.
What had transpired normally would be for the Farm’s Senior Assistant Farmer to
enlighten the Members of the BORED on the Farm’s Activities and Initiatives and the
Consequences and Results arising from them, numerically and financially. The New
Representative, Ozlon the Obese, would then, fondle his whiskers, and as though deep in
thought would take some time to digest, then consolidate and finally comprehend what were
being presented. He would then summarize and proffer a proclamation as though they were
‘pearls of wisdom’ short of being a decree. He would then proceed to request the other
Members of the BORED for their esteemed opinions. All too often, the Members of the BORED
would give their assent to the proffered proclamation.
None had had the sense to solicit the views of the Senior Assistant Farmer who had
actually prepared and presented to them the briefs. Of course none of the Members of the
BORED including the New Representative actually would seek the opinion of the New Farmer
since they knew that the New Farmer was also one of them that was one of the ‘expert
feigners’. Hence, more often than not, what was intended was not what had being transpired.
Many of the Members of the BORED had commandeered some of the succinct and inspiring
proposals and ideas presented by the Senior Assistant and Junior Farmers and funnily when
presented by them to the New Representative had suddenly sprouted new life into them.
The modus operandi of the papers (14 copies in all and in color), were that the papers
must be submitted 2 weeks in advance of the BORED Meeting. The rationale was that the
Members of the BORED and in particular the New Representative would like to review and
analyze the papers so that the actual BORED Meeting would be spent deliberating and debating
the proposals. Well did this happen? Not by a long chance. The Members of the BORED never
did read the papers. Their motivation was to scan the papers and decide which to be
commandeered so that the paper seemed to originate from them. At the actual BORED
Meeting, after being briefed, the New Representative or one of the BORED Members would
read the papers line-by-line and word-by-word. Thereafter, the New Representative would
scratch his whiskers and after seemingly a long time would proffer his proclamation or
One particular BORED Member, Jabba the Jaded, was assigned to the task of
appraising and reviewing the Farm’s Accounts and he took the job almost to the point of
nonsensical. He chaired the meeting and brought it to order at 5:00 p.m., adjourned the meeting
twice and continued until 4:00 a.m. and then continued the meeting at 8:00 a.m. As it turned out
he was the only one meeting himself since he read the reports line by line and made the
comments and took notes by himself since by this time the Buffon Head had slept with his eyes
wide open. The rest of the BORED Members, well, they were bored beyond belief and almost to
death. All this would not be too bad since the Members were excellent feigners – looking
interested but looking at nothing instead! But, Jabba the Jaded was indeed very jaded as his
voice was so faint that most would have fainted if not being expert feigners. This would go on
and on and on and on … Why were the adjournments? Well, Jabba the Jaded was known to
have a liking for the “Lighted Sticks” and in fact most Members of the Bored including the New
Farmer were connoisseurs of the “Lighted Sticks”. So silently they were relieved for the breaks
and enjoyed the time to become aficionados of and adherents of the “Lighted Stick”.
Another Member of the BORED, Zed the Zorro, thought himself as the mighty and expert
implement master just because he had a few swords and had ridden a few horses.
Inadvertently, at the BORED Meeting he would bore everybody with his exploits of being an
implement master and a horseman (not a farm’s implement master nor a farm man!) and how
he could improve the Farm’s by being a wheedle and a wangle. What the Farm requires were
real and tested engineers. Nevertheless, the Members of the BORED could not differentiate
really between an engineer, a wheedle and a wangle. So Zed to Zorro could happily wheedled
and wangled not only in the BORED Meeting but he managed to wheedle and wangle himself
into the Farm’s Farming Meetings. He was into his element, wheedling and wangling himself
into areas whilst unknown to him would simply referred to his horse and implements and coaxed
the Farmers to go all-out with his decrees. Thus, some of the Farm’s initiatives were held back
because Zed the Zorro thought that they were not to his reference.
Zen the Shearer was another Member of the BORED who was previously employed as
the Farm’s external reviewer. He however had many stand-offs with the previous Farmer (who
had been sacked perhaps due to his information). Zen the Shearer was an expert exhumer of
secrets which was rather improper as he had at one time being the Chief Adviser of an outfit
called The Thought Builder. At that point in time the clients of the Thought Builder were mainly
from the Locality and mainly dealt with developing oblique and implicit rules and regulations and
edicts. Thus, he was appointed at the Farm’s BORED since the New Representative knew him
from the days of the thought Builder and also because he was formerly employed as the
external reviewer and thus had all sorts of documents and information. Zen the Shearer enjoyed
himself immensely by belittling the Senior Assistant Farmers and Assistant Farmers by
highlighting how his Sago was sagging, how his Persimmon was pulpy and all sorts of nitty-
gritty items that would not make a difference to the Farm’s operations. Thus at the BORED
Meeting he continued to harps about how the Farm was not up-to-the-mark and continues to
nitpick and disparage the Farmers whilst not offering any solutions to the supposed problems
that the Farm had. And, true to form, as he was formerly an adviser, when pressed, what better
proposal than to suggest that the Farm employ an Adviser to advice on things that require
advice. Henceforth, the Farm was populated with all sorts of advisers.
There were actually many more Members of the BORED but suffice to record here that with
Members of the ilk of Ozlon the Obese, Jabba the Jaded, Zed the Zorro and Zen the Shearer,
other members were not that different in genre or culture. So, the Farm was in the spiral of
decline ever since.
Operation of the SHIT
(Suppliers Hiring Intent Team)
The Operation of the SHIT - Suppliers Hiring Intent Team
The Farm being huge and residing in many localities certainly require a lot of odds and
ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and even natives to make it run properly.
Thus, due to the sheer quantity of materials and resource, a team was set up by the New
Farmer headed by the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures whose job was to obtain
and procure or rather get hold of the best materials and resources available from the vicinity and
environs of the Farm.
The vicinity and environs of the Farm were full of suppliers, vendors, providers, agents,
contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and
natives because when the Farm were set-up since time immemorial, the Locality had made it
obligatory that the Farm develop and cultivate these institutions of suppliers, vendor, providers,
agents, contractors and purveyors and the odd Ah Long One here and there.
Most of these suppliers, vendors, etc. were opportunists as they did not actually develop
the odds and ends, scraps, etc. but instead had become prosperous by becoming
intermediaries and had slapped-on huge margins for every odds and ends, scraps, etc. as each
every one of the suppliers, vendors, etc. had monopolistic trades and able to dictate the
commercial arrangements, which was rather odd as the Farm should have the final say.
However, those suppliers, vendors, etc. who had actually followed the decree and diktat
of the Locality to the letter, were under huge pressures as they had to invest, develop, validate,
verify and manufacture the odds and ends, scraps, etc. according to the Farm’s outlines and
blueprints. They were even under huge pressures because the SHIT more often than not had
decreed that suppliers, vendors, etc. that chose to develop technologies and skills, were
allocated smaller shares of the odds and ends, scraps etc. whilst meeting lower costs.
Indeed, the inner workings of the SHIT was a mystery to all except to the New Farmer as
he was the Chairman of SHIT, and the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, as he was
the Vice Chairman of SHIT. You could say that these two were running SHIT as though they
were the owners of SHIT.
SHIT was formed by the New Farmer and somehow agreed upon by the Head of
Communal Conjectures Realm with the aim of trying to be more transparent and accountable for
the decisions made. Thus, the Members of SHIT were also Heads of Compost and Dung,
Concoction and Conception, Wizard and Magician and of course Farming. If the SHIT Chairman
could have his way, he would not appoint the Head of the Realm of Farming but he had no
choice. But, the Heads of Compost and Dung, Concoction and Conception and Wizard and
Magician including the SHIT Vice Chairman were the mouthpieces of the SHIT Chairman cum
New Farmer. And so it was that all decisions were made even with objections from the Realm of
Farming since the majority ruled and the majority was always right! Moreover, the SHIT Meeting
was always called to order when the Head of the Realm of Farming was not available or was
away, so the SHIT Meeting always flowed smoothly.
Henceforth, many suppliers, vendors, etc. were allotted and appointed to deliver odds
and ends, scraps etc. to the Farm who were not really suppliers, vendors, etc. but rather
opportunists and intermediaries. More puzzling was that these suppliers, vendors, etc. were
even given Tier 1 Status and had other suppliers, vendors, etc. under their ‘control’ and
The SHIT Vice Chairman did not actually prepare nor review the SHIT Paper for the
debate at the SHIT Meeting as well as for the SHIT Chairman’s approval. He had an Assistant
SHIT who did all the administrative and management for the SHIT Meeting. This Assistant used
to be employed by the Farm and was in the PUB (Procurement Unit & Buying). The Head of the
PUB had left because he had “formed” a vendor, called Outgross, and had sole supplier status
to the Farm and he therefore had no choice but to leave to manage the vendor so that he can
‘dictate’ the ‘margins’. Similarly, the Head of the PUB was relying on the PUB Assistant when
both of them were at the Farm. Thus, when the PUB Head left, the PUB Assistant also left. So,
both of them had enjoyed this “arrangement” with the Farm, ever since with great returns!
The Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures was also from the Farm previously.
When the Farm was diversifying, it had formed a subsidiary Farm called Pee-Hedge-Anne and
the Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures was assigned as the Principal. He had almost
total control of the subsidiary. The subsidiary was in an enviable position because it had sole
supplier rights and could not lose money because the margin was guaranteed by the Farm. And
so, Pee-Hedge-Anne was managed by him as though he owned the subsidiary and had his own
suppliers, vendors, etc. supplying to Pee-Hedge-Anne and margins were guaranteed too by the
Farm. When the New Farmer came on board of the Farm, he had recalled the Principal of Pee-
Hedge-Anne to Head the Realm of Communal Conjectures, and he, in turn had recalled the
Assistant of Outgross to become the Assistant of SHIT.
Henceforth, both Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross had almost unlimited access and
opportunities in the Farm. Many new Plants and Produce developed by the Farm that required
special compost, fertilizers, soil, etc. were supplied by Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross.
However, they (Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross) did not actually produce these compost,
fertilizers, soil, etc. but instead had out-sourced to others, the 2nd Tiers instead. But, both Pee-
Hedge-Anne and Outgross had insisted and was agreed by the Farm, that the development and
validations of these compost, fertilizers and soils, etc. would be invested by the Farm and in fact
paid in advance. Thus, both Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross had no risks at all but all the
margins to gain for!
Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma meanwhile was also in the same advantageous positions
as Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross since the New Farmer somehow or rather was “connected”
to these two. When the new Multi-Purpose-Grain, MPG, was developed, Pee-Hedge-Anne,
Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma were the preferred suppliers even though none of them
knew anything about the MPG and how to carry-out the required program. Even more mystifying
was that Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma did not have enough resources and were in
fact under the administration of the Locality’s Bureau of Commerce and were actually just
surviving because of the Farm’s assistance, financially and materially. So, the Farm was
disbursing funds to Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma. The Farm had also dispatched its
skilled Farmers to the 2nd Tier Vendors to ensure that the supply of compost, fertilizers and soil
etc. could be achieved on time and at the right cost. So in essence Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and
A-Poly-Ma were paid for doing nothing.
So how could Outgross, Par-Mint-Tax and A-Poly-Ma get away with these? It was
precisely because of the Assistant SHIT, the SHIT Vice Chairman and the SHIT Chairman
transparency and the SHIT Committee’s decisions that allowed suppliers, vendor, providers,
agents, contractors and purveyors and the odd Ah Long One to prosper!
Realm of Compost and Dung
Every year, the Farm would around the last quarter, start to initiate the FCUK (Farm’s
Commentaries Unanimously Kindred). Almost everybody in the Farm would be involved in this,
from the lowest rung of farmhands to the most senior farmers, except for those in the Realms of
Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the Buffoon (which was not a
Realm but acted as though theirs was a Realm of the Highest Order!). Why this was so would
be unraveled as we go along.
The FCUK should initially start from the Compost and Dung Realm’s perspective as the
Farm’s products eventually would turn into compost if not stored properly or into dung after
being ingested. The Realm of Compost and Dung therefore should be the starting point for the
FCUK as they would dictate eventually how much of the grains, vegetables, crops and produce
would be farmed and produced in the coming year. The Realm of Compost and Dung would
assess and reassess the marketplace and determine which grains, vegetables, crops and
produce would fare in the coming year and how they would be placed in the marketplace. The
Realm of Compost and Dung should also propose to the Farm what kind of grains, vegetables,
crops and produce should be improved, developed or removed in accordance to the fancies of
Thus all Realms were waiting for the Compost and Dung to come up with the
prospective volume and types of grains, vegetables, crops and produce including the variations
required to fulfill the wholesalers’, merchants’ and traders’ orders and requirements. Most of the
hard information and statistics would actually come from the Realm of Jumble and Rumble as
the jurisdiction and diktat of the wholesalers, merchants and traders were actually under the
Realm of Jumble and Rumble. Hence most of the work were done by the Jumblers and
Rumblers and finessed by the Composters and Dungers.
Now, if in the subsequent year, the Market which were serviced by the wholesalers,
merchants and traders were doing well, then the Realm of Compost and Dung would bask in the
glory and would immediately claimed that the FCUK was framed and postulated by them was
the key to the success and accomplishments of the Farm. And, all the Composters and Dungers
would be viewed as having achieved the most commendable work and would be bestowed with
all sorts of honors. However, if in the subsequent year, the Market were not doing well, the
Composters and Dungers would immediately shift the fault to others and more often than not
would censure the Realm of Farming instead as the volume and types of grains, vegetables,
crops and produce including the variations required to fulfill the wholesalers’, merchants’ and
traders’ orders and requirements were not met as the Farmers were not doing their job right.
Nothing was focused upon the inaccuracies or fallacies of the volumes and produce being
proposed by the Composters and Dungers including the Jumblers and Rumblers in the first
place. And still, these Composters and Dungers if not the Jumblers and Rumblers would
continue to be bestowed with all sorts of honors for having being able to frame-out the
beautifully crafted FCUK Document.
So, most of the Realm were wondering why the Realm of Compost and Dung could get
away with ‘murder’ and ‘mayhem’ which any normal Farm could not tolerate. The Head of the
Realm and Compost apparently came from the Farm that the New Representative came from
too. In fact they practice the same parlance and vernacular typical from the region of the Land-
of-the-Tan and the peoples of this land apparently came from the same off-springs. They may
not be brothers and sisters, but they were of the same clan. Whenever they were together, they
would suddenly switch from one vernacular to the other such that the Farmers would have
difficulty to understand what were required.
Now, what happened was that the people that made-up the Composters and Dungers
were slowly but very surely were being peopled by the people from the Land-of-the-Tan. In fact
most of the people from the Land-of-the-Tan from the previous Farm that the New Farmer and
the Head of the Realm of the Composters and Dung came from had actually migrated to the
Farm. The view was that the existing people were not good enough, so they have to be
supplemented by these people instead. But, as it always turned out, these people only survived
because they were affiliated to the New Farmer, the Head of the Compost and Dung and that
they were the people of the Land-of-the-Tan BUT work they could not do.
They could compile reports, they could conjure reports, they could regurgitate reports,
but they certainly could not create actual concepts and thoughts, never! So who actually did all
those reports? As apparent from the previous narratives, it was none other than the remnants of
the people of the Land-of-the-not-so-Tans.
Now, more often than not, the Composters and the Dungers with the cooperation of the
Jumblers and Rumblers would mutate and metamorphose the reports so that it would seem that
they were the originators of the reports including the analyses. The Composers and the
Dungers especially the Head of the Realm would proudly present the Reports as the bases for
the FCUK. The Realms of Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the
Buffoons would clap and shout and hoot to show their signs of approvals and acceptances. The
New Farmer (Sage the Holy) and the New Representative (Ozlon the Obese) also followed suit
and gave their blessings and consents. Even the Members of the BORED would also give their
assents. Hence, the start of the FCUK was full of boisterousness and animated over the top
Then the actual documentations and preparations of the FCUK papers would
commence. And who would be the ‘casualty’? Obviously the Realms of Concoction and
Conception and Farming and to a degree the Realm of Communal Conjectures were the ‘real’
workhorses. Hence, the final FCUK Papers were the resultant analyses and commentaries
based upon the “Reports” hatched by the Composters and Dungers, would be integrated by the
Realm of Wizard and Magicians as the definitive FCUK for ALL to refer to and prepare their own
establishment’s positions and state of affairs for the coming year.
The presentations of the FCUK were done with a lot of fanfare and flourish. The Head of
the Realm of Wizard and Magicians was the Showmaster. The Head of the Realm of the
Compost and Dung was in his element basking in the gloriousness of the FCUK Documents and
Papers (whilst were not actually originated by him, nevertheless were portrayed as though they
were!) and was ably assisted by the Head of the Realm of Jumblers and Rumblers. The Heads
of the Realms of Decree and Diktat, Wizard and Magician, Hangers and off course the Buffoon
were merely there as the supporters and every now and then would shout and hoot their assent
and consent. However, the detailed operational and working of the FCUK would be presented
by the Heads of the Realms of Concoction and Conception and Farming, and they would
actually be probed, interrogated and queried by all and sundry. But, the Heads of Concoction
and Conception and Farming knew what they were doing and could withstand all the onslaughts
and proddings and would triumph. But, were these not paradoxical? The Reports were the base
of the FCUK, the details were based from the Reports, and yet the very same peoples were
querying the documents of the concoctions and conceptions and farming? It actually looked as
though the New Farmer and the New Representative including the Members of the BORED
were conspiring to discredit the Heads of the Realms of Concoction and Conception and
Farming as though they were not worthy enough! But, in the end, the FCUK would be endorsed
as the defining documents of Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese.
Even though, the FCUK would become the defining documents for the New Farmer and
the New Representative, come at the end of the year, when the results were different and the
targets defined as the SPIT (Strategic Planning Indicators Table) were not met, all fingers were
pointing to who? The Farmers and the Realm of Farming of course! Hence, Sage the Holy and
Ozlon the Obese were f*c*k*ed and immediately begin to disown the FCUK and the Composters
and the Dungers and the Jumblers and the Rumblers and the Wizards and the Magicians would
shift the blame to the Farmers, the Concoctioners and the Conceptioners and had resolved that
the SPIT was not achieved not because the initial Reports that the FCUK were bases were
faulty, but instead because the Concoctioners and the Conceptioners and especially the
Farmers were not adept at translating the FCUK Strategies and Intents into a workable
So, whilst the SPIT were not met, the Composters and the Dungers were adjudged to
have exceeded expectations and were given superlative status and were ascertained to have
achieved OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE and all the new people were given dividends and
bonuses not known before! In fact all the supporters (Jumblers and Rumblers, Wizards and
Magicians, Decrees and Diktats, Hangers and off course the Buffoons) would also be deemed
to have achieved superlative performances all except the farmers who actually were doing
Sage the Holy, the New Farmer and Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative, had
convinced the Members of the BORED that the SPIT were not met not because the FCUK were
shockingly below par and defective but fundamentally due to the legacy inheritance (system of
farming and the farmers) and hence could not be attributed to them. The Members of the
BORED who were basically appointed by the New Representative would certainly agree and
sanction the raison d'être and rationale of Sage the Holy and Ozlon the Obese. Thus, the final
outcomes were that the Heads of the Realms of Farming and market Concoction and
Conception left after being requested by the Members of the BORED at the instigation of Sage
the Holy and endorsed by the Ozlon the Obese.
The Realm of Jumble and Rumble
The previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had resigned and left after the
appointment of the New Farmer, Sage the Holy, simply because Sage the Holy could not really
appreciate the value and significance of good market assessment and reassessment which
actually would be able to determine which grains, vegetables, crops and produce would be able
to fare well if positioned appropriately in the marketplace. Sage the Holy thought that he knew
how to place the grains, vegetables, crops and produce in the marketplace better than the
previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble. Sage the Holy could not actually make
sense of the multitude of the jumble at the marketplace and the rumbles arising from the
wholesalers, merchants and traders that dealt with the multitudes of grains, vegetables, crops
and produce and inevitably had erred. And with this kind of situation, Sage the New Holy
Farmer, whilst being new and inexperienced, would not admit that he had erred but instead had
inferred that the previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble had not advised him
suitably, accurately and appropriately and hence had made judgments and decisions based
upon erroneous advise. Thus, the previous Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble could not
and would not accept to be made a scapegoat and had opted to leave. Henceforth, the New
Farmer had taken the portfolio of the Head of the Realm of Jumble and Rumble. And as he was
not proficient in the manners and language of the Jumble and Rumble, the wholesalers,
merchants and traders were becoming discontented, cynical and more pessimistic by the day.
Thus the data that the New Farmer and the Head of Jumble and Rumble required to
formulate the FCUK were not becoming reliable as the wholesalers, merchants and traders did
not have enough belief and confidence in the New Farmer, Sage the Holy, and had therefore
submit data that were not fully reflective of the marketplace but rather as response to what Sage
the Holy and The Head of Jumble and Rumble wanted to see and hear. Hence, the base
Reports and the resultant FCUK Documents that finally transformed the SHIT were rather
skewed and distorted to attain what Sage the Holy wanted to achieve and the Head of the
Jumble and Rumble wanted to develop.
The Realm of Jumble and Rumble was without a Head for quite a while since the
previous Head had opted to leave as he did not want to become the scapegoat for the New
Farmer. The New Farmer had searched and had found yet another of his ally that he thought
could fulfill the post of the Head of the Realm. The New Farmer had managed to convince the
New Representative of the proficiency, expertise and talent of his ally. The New Representative
had in turn managed to convince the Members of the BORED to approve the appointment of the
New Head of Jumble and Rumble.
The New Head of the Jumble and Rumble had been previously at the Farm of Hone-Dart
and at the Farm owned by the Tribe of Yellow-Slant-Eyes, he did not actually execute any
jumbling, and, any rumbles did not pass by him. He was merely being the talking head of the
local shareholders; the main function was merely to convey to the Tribe of Yellow-Slant-Eyes
the wishes of the local shareholders which were immediately ignored as mostly they were
twaddles and gobbledygooks. So the New Head was used to be called Sucker the Sap. Prior to
being at the Hone-Dart, he was at the Farm of Drivel-High-Con, and had done nothing similar to
ensure Jumbles were carried-out and Rumbles were managed. Prior to that he was at the Farm
of Sew-Sew-Key and just a normal minion there but Sucker-the-Sap had portrayed that he was
a Key Minion with huge responsibilities that were not elaborated.
It was therefore quite an achievement to be able to be appointed as the Head of Jumble
and Rumble whilst having managed not to do anything similar to a jumble nor a rumble before.
But an ally of the Sage the Holy he was without doubt, and he had mirrored Sage the Holy as
far as jumbling and rumblings were concerned which was exactly nothing!
Similar to the Realm of the Compost and Dung, the Realm of the Jumble and Rumble
were mainly manned by the people of the Land-of-the-Tan and they had also been positioned in
the choicest positions of responsibilities and with that perks and remunerations better than the
minions that had been working there since the beginning. Since the Realm of the Compost and
Dung were also manned by the people from the Land-of-the-Tan, the Realm of Jumble and
Rumble had also become the closest of collaborators to the exclusion of others, and more often
than not, had missed and ignored better-quality facts and statistics. Thus the collaborative effort
of Composters and Dungers, Jumblers and Rumblers, Wizards and Magicians culminating with
the FCUK and SPIT had inadvertently missed the point and would eventually not being able to
meet the required criteria and benchmarks.
The Realm of Jumble and Rumble had at their disposal, thousands of able-bodied
wholesalers, merchants and traders, but chose to ignore them. The Jumblers and Rumblers felt
that they were superior to the wholesalers, merchants and traders and thus would not believe
any data, facts and information that originated from different from what the Jumblers and
Rumblers believed were true. The wholesalers, merchants and traders had reacted accordingly
by submitting data, facts and information whilst not totally false were doctored to suit the
Jumblers ad Rumblers perceptions of the truth.
The New Head of Jumble and Rumble, Sucker the Sap, began by recruiting new
Jumblers and Rumblers from the New Farmer’s previous farm, the For-Each-Rod-Two, and
immediately alienating the wholesalers, merchants and traders. The new bunch of Jumblers and
Rumblers as was the culture at For-Each-Rod-Two, would portray that they know everything
under the sun, but when came to the real thing would either depend on the current people or as
always the case, employ a whole troupe of whiz and boffin that at the end would only regurgitate
what was fed to them in a different manner and almost without fail would insult the intelligence
by stating the obvious. Nevertheless, Sucker the Sap and his ensemble would always be
praised for having the foresight and prudence to employ these expert whiz and boffin in the first
place, whilst the remnants of the minions who had actually did the actual work to feed the troupe
of experts, were mostly ignored and sometimes were even ridiculed.
And so the changing of the guard and the minions at the Realm of Jumble and Rumble
happened as was announce to the networks and the public with great fanfare surpassing the
appointment of Ozlon the Obese as the New Representative even! The previous Farms, the
Farms of Hone-Dart, Drivel-High-Con and Sew-Sew-Key were actually surprised since they
were actually every time that he decided to leave their Farms.
And, what did the New Head of the Jumble and Rumble contribute? Well, the aggregate
of wholesalers, merchants and traders were declining, the grains, vegetables, crops and
produce had putrefied and turned to compost, and funds were dwindling since they were spent
to glorify the Realm of the Jumble and Rumble instead of improving the wholesalers’,
merchants’ and traders’ systems, processes and facilities.
And who would be assigned with the failure to meet the SPIT? Well, the Farmers of
course! The farmers could not farm; the farmers could not produce the grains, vegetables, crops
and produce according to time; the farmers could not meet the required attributes; the farmers
could not reduce the expenses and hence the grains, vegetables, crops and produce could not
be competitive; the farmers could not respond to the changing demands of the wholesalers,
merchants and traders; the farmers could not deliver at the required period; etc. etc. and never
once were the Jumblers and Rumblers were responsible for the differences in the conjectured
FCUK (which initially were produced by the Realms of Compost and Dung and the Jumble and
Rumble in the first place) and the actual realities!
The Realm of Communal Conjectures
The current Head of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, Pallid the Grey, was
previously from an ancillary farm, which was a major supplier and vendor to The Farm, called
the Pee-Hedge-Anne. Pee-Hedge-Anne had enjoyed relatively stable growth and profits over
the years since The Farm had established Pee-Hedge-Anne as a 1st Tier and thus enjoyed
almost guaranteed margins and hence profits. Pee-Hedge-Anne need not worry as much as
other vendors and suppliers since it had The Farm as a major client and preferable
Pallid the Grey was brought in by the Sage the Holy since apparently they had known
each other were the best of colleagues. Whilst Pallid the Grey had managed Pee-Hedge-Anne
for quite a while, the actual operations and management were actually administered by a one
Lock-Mane. Pallid the Grey in essence had minimal knack in managing suppliers, vendors,
providers, agents, contractors and purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff,
implements, objects and natives as he had only The Farm as a client. In fact The Farm was
managing the suppliers, vendors etc. that dealt with Pee-Hedge-Anne.
Thus, the Realm of Communal Conjectures was in for a shock as Pallid the Grey had
little compassion and empathy towards junior conjectures and even less sympathy and
tolerance to his previous competitors, the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and
purveyors of odds and ends, scraps, snippets, stuff, implements, objects and natives.
Pallid the Grey, true to form would not actually be doing any of the difficult work and had
therefore brought in his Assistant who, for all intent and purpose, was the de facto Communal
Conjecture decision maker. Now, these decisions would certainly be meeting Sage the Holy’s
directions and requirements which the Assistant was very well versed of. The Assistant, Maize
the Root, had many years before was part of The Farm and was actually doing almost similar
work, in fact, whilst the Realm has been changed into The Realm of Communal Conjecture, it
was practically the same realm. One could say that he was returning to his roots and he was
immediately at ease but others were not at ease. Prior to this, Maize the Root, had been at the
supplier called Outgross, but he did not fit in that well. However, he was treated well by
Outgross since one of the Senior Partners was his former boss at The Farm, Rah the Hymn.
So the Realm of Communal Conjectures was practically run by Maize the Root and he
was ably assisted by Shah the Khan, who had drafted all the conjecture papers for the
communal appointments of the suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and
purveyors. No wonder that the two most preferred apparent 1st suppliers who would always
manage to win most of the bids were Pee-Hedge-Anne and Outgross. Many of the people in the
Realm of Communal Conjectures were of the same ilk as Maize the Root and Shah the Khan
and over the years had benefited from some kind of relationships with most of the suppliers,
vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors. Some of these relationships were very
open and most were very hushed. The funny thing was that The Farm had instituted a “Whistle
Blower Policy” as well as requiring all to declare their assets, and yet these kinds of
relationships were openly practiced by the people of the Realm of Communal Conjectures.
Perhaps, the people of Communal Conjectures had too much dominance and authority over the
decisions of appointing suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors such
that the users of these services had very little influence and were powerless against the might of
the Sage the Holy, Pallid the Grey, Maize the Root and the most powerful of all, Shah the Khan
who was actually the mouthpiece of Sage the Holy. All of these powerful individuals were very
affluent, prosperous and way beyond comfortable and were privileged to be able to splurge and
consume way beyond their means. And yet, they seemed impervious and invincible! Well, they
should be since they were under the sanctuary of Sage the Holy. A holy man could no wrong!
Under the patronage of the Realm of Communal Conjectures, the suppliers, vendors,
providers, agents, contractors and purveyors had formed a guild called the Farm’s Family of
Font Fortune (FFFF) and also true to form the Ruler of the Guild was from the Land-of-the-Tan,
one called One the Only. He was also apparently close to Sage the Holy, without a doubt was
benefitting from the relationship as well as being the Ruler of the Guild.
The FFFF Guild by constitution would be liable and accountable to the Realm of
Communal Conjectures. As such much of the initiatives and activities of the FFFF were
revolving around what the Realm of Communal Conjectures would dictate. The FFFF and The
Farm would have a monthly jamboree and get-together and the FFFF would be updated by the
Realm of Communal Conjectures on the Farm’s progress and upcoming initiatives. However,
the actual briefing was not done by any of the Communal Conjectures but actually by the Realm
of Farming and sometimes by the Realm of Concoction and Conception. Any difficult issues
would be brushed aside by the Communal Conjectures or would be left to the Realms of
Farming and Concoction and Conception to unravel and resolve. Meanwhile, the Realms of
Wizards and Magicians and the Hangers would be at the periphery ready to pounce on any slip-
ups or blunders by the Realm of Farming and Concoction and Conception, sometimes even by
the FFFF Guild. The climate of the monthly FFFF Guild and The Farm jamboree was not very
cordial and many were not very happy on the way that the Hangers and the Wizards and
Magicians were interrupting the proceedings. They, the Hangers and the Wizards and
Magicians, were not constructing but rather destructing the proceedings. Hence, the monthly
jamboree did not actually achieve anything but only to serve as the conduit for the building of
sense of selves for the FFFF Guild Ruler and the Hangers and Wizards and Magicians.
The Realm of Communal Conjectures in conjunction with the FFFF Guild would on an
annual basis deliberate and decide who amongst the community of suppliers, vendors,
providers, agents, contractors and purveyors would be bestowed with The Farm’s tributes,
honors and awards culminating with the highest accolade, the FFFFUCK (Farm’s Family Font of
Fortune Ultimate Credit and acKnowledgement). It was not surprising therefore that the
recipients of the various awards were none other than Pee-Hedge-Anne, Outgross, Par-Mint-
Tax and A-Poly-Ma and Pee-hedge-Anne was even doubly honored with winning the FFFFUCK
Award! Other suppliers, vendors, providers, agents, contractors and purveyors anyway enjoyed
the lavish spread and entertainment even if they believed that most of the recipients who were
honored were not very honorable. Even Sage the Holy enjoyed the entertainment whilst trying to
look holy throughout the night. Ozlon the Obese as usual would enjoy the food and would end
up even more obese the next day.
And so, the Realm of the Communal Conjecture continued as though nothing was the
matter. As though what they had decided were beyond reproach. As though what they had
implemented were beyond reprove. As though what they had suppressed were beyond rebuke.
As though what they had gained were their god-given right and beyond blame. As though the
Communal Conjectures were blessed and were extending their gifts towards those they chose
and damn to others.
The Realm of Wizard and Magician
And, the Farm’s expenditures continued to grow! The Realm of Wizard and Magician
was commanded and decreed by Sage the Holy to execute schemes and measures to ensure
that expenses and spends were controlled and that costs-saving schemes and measures would
be implemented and executed. The Realm of Wizards and Magicians by this time was headed
by a Dr. Sammy Davis the Third, or Pipsqueak Wizard and Magician. The Pipsqueak Sammy
Davis the Third continued to utilize his belief in his superiority of the art of Flog, an ancient game
of wizardry and magic, as his foundation in his daily supervision and command. Now, the Realm
of Wizard and Magician was newly created and was in fact specifically set up to execute specific
initiatives related to improving The Farm’s value-chain of operations, from concoction,
conception, farming etc. including jumble and rumble at the final end addressing the consumers’
needs and requirements.
Since the Realm of Wizard and Magician was newly formed, it was in need of recruits
that would be able to execute the much needed costs-savings initiatives. The Realm of Wizard
and Magician was also tasked to develop the Reformation Document that would form as a basis
to transform The Farm. Apparently, the New Representative, Ozlon the Obsese had presented
to the Members of the BORED that The Farm was in need of changes. The World was affected
by the Blight of the Lard and The Farm was apparently badly affected. In fact farms all over the
localities and regions and actually all over the world were severely affected. Hence a
transformation scheme would be required. The New Farmer, Sage the Holy, was tasked to
develop the transformation schemes. And as usual the task was delegated to Pipsqueak
Sammy Davis the Third to develop instead.
Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third had requested the approval of the Sage the Holy for
the appropriation of able bodied personnel from all over The Farm. And so, the Realms in effect
were very pleased and ecstatic at this, since they would have the opportunity to jettison and
discard the entire Deadwood in their Realms. Obviously the Realms would not declare nor
reveal the true nature of these Deadwoods. Instead the Realms were actually embellishing and
publicizing that these Deadwoods were “The Best of the Best” and “One-of-a-Kind”. Thus,
Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third was so delighted and pleased that he did not actually verify
the quality of these deadwoods. And, so he was saddled with these Deadwoods that were adept
at drifting along and moving with the currents.
These Deadwoods were so blissful. By being seconded to the Realm of Wizard and
magician, they were granted with supplementary wages and benefits which otherwise would not
be accorded to them had they stayed at their present areas. So these Deadwoods were not
overly concerned at how they execute their errands, since their expertise was to squeal the
magic name, Sage the Holy and sometimes Ozlon the Obese for the other Realms to execute
their initiatives and activities. These initiatives and activities were supposedly planned by the
Deadwoods but in reality these were actually planned by the Realms themselves.
On a monthly basis, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, would hold a convention
attended by Sage the Holy and sometimes, Ozlon the Obese to present the status and progress
of the Costs-Savings Measures, CSM with great fanfare and amplification. All the Deadwoods
were there, and they actually have gotten along very well with the Hangers who were also there.
The Head Buffoon was also there because Ozlon the Obese was there. It was Ozlon the Obese
who had brought the Head Buffon into the Farm. For the Job as head Buffoon, he was paid very
handsomely and was the third highest paid personnel after Ozlon the Obese and Sage the Holy,
which was quite funny of course, since the Head Buffoon job was merely to record all the
minutes of the Meetings and as Head Buffoon, he only took minutes for the BORED Meeting. All
the Heads of the Realms knew about this certainly, but could not do much about it since the
head Buffoon was close to Ozlon the Obese. Perhaps, the Head Buffoon had in his possession
secrets and covert information belonging to Ozlon the Obese, the New Representative, and
therefore could wield his influence over him.
Now at this monthly CSM Meeting, the Pipsqueak Davis the Third did not actually brief
anything. He had instead delegated this to the Head of the Deadwoods. This particular
Deadwood apparently was a relative of Sage the Holy and had the gift of the gab. In fact his
pronunciation of the language was exactly like the Sage the Holy complete with holy verses and
sayings. Perhaps that was why he was chosen. The Head of the Deadwood was in his element.
His briefings were in a mode as though he was the originator of the wrok. His comportment was
as though he was the man who had executed all the labor. In fact, he had conveniently and in a
deadpan manner, appropriated all the work done by the Realms, particularly from the Realms of
Farming and Concoction and Conception and made them his own. The farmers, concoctioners
and conceptioners were relegated to mere minions as though they exist only to do his bidding.
What was amusing was that the details of the briefings were left to the minions from the Realms
of Farming and Concoction and Conception. These were the Realms that had substantiated
their work and had demonstrated the activities and initiatives and authenticate their outcomes.
The others were merely presenting their thoughts and plan with nothing concrete to corroborate
their activities. So, the Head of the Deadwoods, was flying high and had received accolades on
a monthly basis through these briefings whilst the minions were left agape with not even a
mention nor thanks. Even Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third was also patted at the back by
Sage the Holy and sometimes by Ozlon the Obese. The hard work done by the Heads of the
Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception was not even registered! They were merely
minions in the eyes of Sage the Holy and even through the bigger eyes of Ozlon the Obese.
Not all the Deadwoods were really Deadwoods. A couple of them were from the Realm
of Communal Conjectures. Apparently they could not get along with Pallid the Grey as well as
Maize the Roo. The methodologies employed by Pallid the Grey and Maize the Roo were not
what they had been trained to adopt and execute. Thus, Pallid the Grey and maize the Roo had
taken the opportunity to jettison them. So, these two jettisoned personnel were in a team of
Deadwoods. They were in a somewhat fortunate position as they, like all the Deadwoods,
enjoyed additional remuneration and benefits and had actually escaped the clutches of Pallid
the Grey and Maize the Roo and thus spared the dubious benefit of being in the SHIT.
The Hangers and the Head of the Buffoon were actually invited by the Pipsqueak to
assist his band of Wizards and Magicians or Deadwoods to do some magic. The CSM really did
require magical potions and spells. Only those who were skilled in their realms would be able to
conjure these potions and spells. However, the Head of the Deadwoods or Wizards and
Magicians, had learnt to hex earlier in his life. Rumors had it that he learnt the hex from Sage
the Holy who in turn had learnt it when he went to the Holy Farm. As they were very much
related, perhaps there were truths to the rumors. So the Head of the Deadwoods outshone
everybody, even sometimes Sage the Holy. But, Sage the Holy did not even realize that!
At these CSM Monthly meetings, the Hangers main contribution were to haggle with the
representatives of the Realms of Farming and Concoction and Conception and to portray as
though they were more attuned to the intricacies of farming, concoction and conception. The
Head Buffoon meanwhile was appending and continuing what the Hangers had started and
eventually portrayed himself as “The Master of All Farming and Concoction and Conception”.
When came to the development of the Reformation Document which Sage the Holy had
delegated to Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, the Head of the Deadwoods and the Head
Buffon conveniently disappeared and revealed that they were too much involved and engrossed
in the CSM to be able to be engaged in the initiative. Even the Hangers were somehow busy
hanging somewhere else!
Thus, Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third had no choice but to employ the Farm and
Farming Experts instead for close to 5 million sacks of rice and a few sacks of tapioca as
approved by the new Representative, Ozlon the Obese who had finally waylaid the Farm
Reformation Document as though he had developed them himself.
The Farm and Farming Expert went all around the farm and talked to all and was lucky
to have gotten hold of a previously developed document outlining the possible farm and farming
transformations by the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers and combined with the power of the digital,
the Farm Reformation Document was completed.
So that was how the Farm Reformation Document that was supposed to be developed
by Sage the Holy, who, had instead delegated it to Pipsqueak Sammy Davis the Third, purveyor
of the ancient art of Flog, who had instead, employed Farm and Farming Experts at the behest
of Ozlon the Obese, when in actual fact, the Farm Reformation Document was actually a rework
of the Document developed by the 4 Senior Assistant Farmers who were ‘executed! And
eventually, the Farm Reformation Document belonged to Ozlon the Obese who had
conveniently presented to the Members of the BORED, the members of which had no clue
whatsoever and had approved the contents of the farm Reformation Document which did not
illustrate how the Reformation was going to be realized and achieved!