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Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
Truyen cuoi song ngu anh  viet (gan 1000 truyen)
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Truyen cuoi song ngu anh viet (gan 1000 truyen)

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  • 1. “ Ch c là có,” ngư i àn ông nói, “nhưng s ángEnglish Funny Stories như th . Tôi mu n cô y th y i u gì x y ra cho m t gã không nh u nh t, c b c ho c chơi gôn.” HOW TO LIVE?CHUY N V CH NG "Darling," said the young man to his new bride.THE BUM … "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "Butstreet. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" what will you live on?"The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not LÀM SAO S NG?going to spend in on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I dont drink," retorts the bum. “Em yêu,” m t ngư i àn ông tr nói v i cô dâu "You are not going to throw it away in some m i.”Vì r ng chúng ta cư i nhau, em có nghĩ em scrap game, are you?" asks the gentleman. có th s ng b ng thu nh p khiêm t n c a anh?” "No way, I dont gamble," answers the bum. “Dĩ nhiên, anh yêu, không sao c ,” cô ta tr l i. "You wouldnt waste the money at a golf “Nhưng anh s s ng b ng gì?”course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man. THEY HAD NO PRIVACY "Never," says the bum, "I dont play golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to As a young married couple, a husband and a wifecome home with him for a home cooked meal. The lived in a cheap housing complex near the basebum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the where he was working. Their chief complaint wasmans house, the bums curiosity gets the better of that the walls were paper-thin and that they had nohim. "Isnt your wife going to be angry when she privacy. This was painfully obvious when onesees a guy like me at your table?" morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted bywant her to see what happens to a guy who doesnt the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.drink, gamble or play golf." "Give this to your husband," he said thrustingK ĂN MÀY … a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "Hes been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"M t gã ăn mày ti n g n m t quý ông ăn m t sang H KHÔNG CÓ CHÚT RIÊNG TƯ NÀO Ctr ng trên ư ng ph . “Này, ông b n quý, ông có thcho hai ô la ư c không?” Ngư i àn ông ăn m c Khi là m t c p v ch ng tr m i cư i, ngư i ch ngsang tr ng tr l i:” B n s không tiêu ti n vào rư u và ngư i v s ng trong m t khu nhà liên h p rchè, ph i không?” ti n g n cơ s ngư i ch ng làm vi c. i u áng phàn“Không, thưa ngài, tôi không u ng rư u,” gã ăn mày nàn ch y u c a h là các b c tư ng m ng như gi ycãi l i. và h không có ư c s kín áo. i u này l ra hi n“B n s không qu ng nó vào nh ng ván chơi tào lao, nhiên m t cách áng bu n vào m t bu i sáng ngư iph i không?” ngư i àn ông thư ng lưu h i. ch ng t ng trên và ngư i v t ng dư i ang g i“ Không theo l i ó. Tôi không chơi bài,” gã ăn mày i n tho i.Ngư i v b c t ngang b i ti ng chuôngtr l i. c a và i ra chào ngư i hàng xóm.“ B n s không tiêu hoang ti n vào nh ng kho ng “ ưa cái này cho ch ng cô,” ông ta nói và giúi m tphí hõm c a m t cu c gôn, ph i không?” ngư i àn cu n gi y v sinh vào tay cô ta.”Anh y ã hét òiông h i. nó 15 phút!”“Không bao gi ,” tên ăn mày nói, “tôi không chơi A HUSBAND WHO NEVER FEELS ASHAMEDgôn.”Ngư i àn ông h i gã ăn mày có mu n v nhà v i "Im ashamed of the way we live," a young wife saysông ta ăn cơm nhà không. Gã ăn mày hăm h ng to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "Myý. Trong khi h ang i hư ng v nhà ngư i àn father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food.ông, gã ăn mày không th ng ư c tính tò mò. “V My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car.ông s không n i gi n khi bà y th y m t gã như tôi Im just so ashamed."t i bàn ăn c a ông à?” The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two 1 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 2. worthless brothers of yours aint never give us a and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under thecent!" passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, heM T NGƯ I CH NG KHÔNG BAO GI waited until his wife was looking out her windowBI T X U H before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.“Em x u h v cách s ng c a chúng ta,” m t ngư i With a sigh of relief, he pulled into thev tr nói v i ông ch ng lư i – ngư i t ch i i tìm restaurant parking lot. Thats when he noticed hism t vi c làm.” Ba em tr ti n thuê nhà. Má em mua wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," shet tc ăn.Ch em mua qu n áo chúng ta. Cô em asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"mua xe hơi cho chúng ta. Em quá x u h .” CHI C GIÀY ÂU R I ?Ngư i ch ng lăn tròn trên i văng. “Và em nên ti pt c ch trích n a,” anh ta ng ý. “Hai ông anh vô M t bu i t i có m t ngư i àn ông lái xe ch cô thưd ng c a em không bao gi cho chúng ta m t xu!” ký v nhà sau khi cô ta u ng hơi nhi u t i b a ti cTHE NEIGHBORS CAN NOT SEE YOU chiêu ãi cơ quan. M c dù ây là m t hành vi vô tư nhưng anh ta quy t nh không nói cho v - ngư iHaving been married ten years and still living in an hay n i ghen d dàng – nghe.apartment, the wife would often complain about T i hôm sau, ngư i àn ông và v ánh xe n m tanything, as she was tired of saving every penny to nhà hàng. Thình lình anh ta nhìn xu ng và nh n rabuy a "dream home". m t chi c giày cao gót n m t n a dư i gh khách. Trying to placate her, the husband found a Không mu n b chú ý, anh ta i t i lúc v nhìn ranew apartment, within their c a s trư c khi anh ta anh ta h t chi c giày lên vàbudget. quăng kh i xe. However, after the first week, she began V i m t hơi th nh nhõm, anh ta lái xe vào bãi ucomplaining again. xe. Chính lúc ó anh ta chú ý th y v loay hoay "Joel," she said, "I dont like this place at all. quanh gh ng i. “Anh yêu,” cô ta h i, “ anh có th yThere are no curtains in the bathroom. The chi c giày kia c a em không?”neighbors can see me every time I take a bath." DUMMY HUSBAND "Dont worry." replied her husband. "If theneighbors do see you, theyll buy curtains." A man asked his wife, "if you could have anythingHÀNG XÓM KHÔNG TH NHÌN TH Y EM in the world for one day, what would you want?" Ư C "Id love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her ã cư i nhau mư i năm nhưng v n s ng up bright and early and off they went to a localtrong m t căn h , ngư i v thư ng phàn nàn th theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride invì cô ta m t m i v vi c ti t ki m t ng xu mua the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, them t “ngôi nhà mơ ư c”. Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five V i c g ng an i v , ngư i ch ng tìm m t hours later she staggered out of the theme park, hercăn h m i h p túi ti n c a h . Tuy v y, sau tu n l head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a u, ngư i v l i b t u phàn nàn. McDonalds they went, where her husband ordered “Joel,” cô ta nói, “em không thích nơi này tí her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshingnào. Không có t m màn nào trong phòng t m. Hàng chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: thexóm có th th y em khi em t m.” latestHollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, “ ng lo,” ch ng tr l i. N u qu th c hàng Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulousxóm th y em, h s mua màn.” adventure!WHERE’S THE SHOE? Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovinglyOne night a fellow drove his secretary home after asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being sixshe had imbibed a little too much at an office again?"reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant mydecided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to dress size."get jealous easily. NGƯ I CH NG NG NGH CH The next night the man and his wife weredriving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down 2 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 3. M t ngư i àn ông h i v :”N u em có th "Gee," Bob remarked to his friend, "you ư c m i th trên th gi i trong m t ngày, em s really make a big fuss over your wife."mu n gì?” "I started to appreciate her more about six “Em mu n tr l i như h i sáu,” nàng áp. months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage, Vào bu i sáng sinh nh t nàng, anh ta ánh and we couldnt be happier."th c nàng d y r t s m và h i n m t công viên Inspired by Joes story, Bob hurried home,ch 1 trong vùng. úng là m t ngày vui! Anh ta hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her, t nàng lên m i th trò chơi trong công viên: and said he wanted to hear all about her day. Instead ư ng trư t Ch t ngư i, Vòng nhào l n Kêu thét, she burst into tears.B c tư ng S hãi, m i th ! H t x y! Năm ti ng sau "Darling," Bob said, "whatevers the matter?"nàng l o o i ra kh i công viên, u óc quay "This has been the worst day Ive had for acu ng và b ng như l n xu ng. H i vào m t nhà long time," she replied. "This morning Billy fell offhàng McDonald, ngư i ch ng g i m t cái bánh k p his bike and hurt his ankle, then the washingth t l n thêm v i th t ram và m t ly sôcôla tr ng machine broke down. Now, to top it off, you comekhu y.Sau ó h i t i m t r p chi u phim: b phim home drunk!"thành công nh t, m i nh t Hollywood, hot dog, b p SAYn , Pepsi Cola. Qu là m t cu c chơi tuy t v i! Sau cùng nàng i lo ng cho ng v nhà v i Bob n thăm nhà Joe và kinh ng c trư c l i i xch ng và s p xu ng giư ng. Anh ta ngã ngư i và t t c a b n i v i v .Anh ta nói v i v nm yl nh i m t cách âu y m:” y, em yêu, tr l i như h i là nàng h p d n ra sao, ca t ng tài n u ăn khéo léosáu tu i thì như th nào?” c a nàng và ôm hôn v như mưa. Nàng m m t m t:” Oi anh ng ngh ch, ý “A,” Bob lưu ý b n,”anh quan tr ng hóa vem mu n nói c áo s sáu.” anh lên y.”A NEW MACHINE “Tôi b t u ánh giá nàng cao hơn t kho ng sáu tháng nay,” Joe nói.” i u ó làm s ngThe doctor asked the expectant father to try out a l i hôn nhân c a chúng tôi, và chúng tôi h nh phúcmachine he had invented that transferred labour n không th h nh phúc hơn ư c n a.”pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and Lây c m h ng c a b n, Bob v i vã v nhà,the machine was set up. But although it was set to its ôm v , nói cho nàng nghe là anh yêu nàng bi t baohighest setting, Billy felt not nhiêu, và nói anh mu n nghe m t ngày nàng làma twinge. vi c ra sao.Thay vào ó nàng b ng òa khóc. Later that day he went home to pick up a few ”Em yêu,” Bob nói, “Vi c gì x y ra v i em v y?”items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman “ ây là ngày t i t nh t c a em lâu nay,”lying on his door step groaning in pain. nàng áp.” Sáng nay Billy té xe p và b au m tCHI C MÁY M I cá, sau ó máy gi t b hư.Bây gi , thêm vào ó, anh l i say x n v nhà!”M t bác sĩ h i m t ngư i ch ng có v s p sinh r ng HOW TO BUY A PRESENT?có mu n th chi c máy ông ta m i sáng ch chuy ncơn au t ngư i m sang ngư i cha không.Billy A man walked into a department store and told an ng ý và chi c máy ư c cài vào.Nhưng m c dù assistant hed like to buy a present for his wife.chi c máy ã ch y h t công su t Billy cũng không "Certainly, sir," replied the assistant.th y au n gì c . "Perhaps a dress or a blouse?" Sau ó anh ta v nhà l y vài th v yêu "Anything," said the man.c u và th y ngư i ưa s a ang n m trư c c a rên r "And in what colour?" au n. "It doesnt matter."DRUNK "Size?" "Immaterial."Bob visited his friend Joes house and was amazed at Seeing the assistants confusion, the manhow well Joe treated his wife. He told her several explained that whenever he bought his wifetimes how attractive she was, complimented her on something she would always take it back to the shopher culinary skills and showered her with hugs and and exchange it.kisses. "Why dont you get a gift voucher instead?" the assistant asked him. 3 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 4. "Oh no," said the man. "That would be too The next morning, his wife whacked himimpersonal." again. "What was that for?" he groaned.LÀM TH NÀO MUA M T MÓN QUÀ? "Your horse called last night," she said. CON NG A ÔNG G I T I QUA M t ngư i àn ông i vào m t gian c a hàngvà nói v i ngư i bán hàng ông ta mu n mua m t M t bà v i n phía sau ch ng và v vào sau umón quà cho v . ông ta trong khi ông ta ang u ng cà phê sáng.”Tôi “ ư c, thưa ông,” ngư i bán hàng áp. “Có tìm th y m t m nh gi y trong qu n ông có cái tênl m t cái áo m hay m t cái áo cánh ư c chăng?” Mary,” bà ta nói m t cách gi n d .”Ông nên gi i “Gì cũng ư c,” ngư i àn ông nói. thích.” “Còn màu?” “Bình tĩnh nào, em yêu,” ông ta gi i thích.” “Không quan tr ng.” Em có nh tu n qua anh xem ua ng a không? ó “C ?” là tên con ng c anh ánh cu c.” “Chuy n nh .” Sáng hôm sau, bà v l i phát m nh ông ta Th y s lúng túng c a ngư i bán hàng, m t cái.”T i sao em làm th ?” ông ta rên r .ngư i àn ông gi i thích r ng m i khi ông ta mua ”Con ng a c a ông g i tôí qua,” bà ta nói.cho v cái gì ó thì bà ta luôn em nó tr l i shop và WE’VE SAVED ENOUGH MONEY i. “T i sao ông không mua m t phi u ã tr After years of scrimping and saving, a husband toldti n thay vào ó?” ngư i bán hàng h i. his wife the good news: "Darling, weve finally “ không,” ngư i àn ông nói. “Như th thì saved enough to buy what we started saving for inquá vô tình.” 1979."RELATIVES ? "You mean a brand new Jaguar?" she asked eagerly.A couple drove several miles down a country road, "No," he replied, "a 1979 Jaguar."not saying a word. CHÚNG TA Ã TI T KI M TI NAn earlier discussion had led to an argument, andneither wanted to concede their position. As they Sau nhi u năm keo ki t và ti t ki m, ch ng báo v ipassed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife v m t tin m ng:”Em yêu, cu i cùng chúng ta ãsarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" ti t ki m ti n mua cái mà chúng ta b t u"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws." dành trong năm 1979.”BÀ CON ? “Ý anh mu n nói m t chi c Jaguar m i ph i không ?” ngư i v h n h .M t c p v ch ng lái xe i vài d m xu ng m t con “Không,” ngư i ch ng tr l i, “m t chi c ư ng ng quê, không nói m t l i.M t cu c tranh Jaguar i 1979.”lu n trư c ó ã gây ra m t cu c tranh cãi, và không DEATHBED CONFESSIONngư i nào mu n nh n quan i m c a mìnhthua.Trong khi h i qua sân nuôi la và heo, ngư i Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, wasv h i m t cách ch nh o: “Bà con c a ông ph i maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragilekhông ?” hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying“ úng,” ngư i ch ng tr l i, “ Bên phía v .” roused him from his slumber. He looked up and hisYOUR HORSE CALLED LAST NIGHT pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Susan," he whispered.A woman came up behind her husband while he was "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Dont talk."enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tiredback of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your voice. "I have something I must confess to you."trouser pocket with the name Marylou written on it," "Theres nothing to confess," replied theshe said, furious. "Youd better have an weeping Susan. "Everythings all right, go to sleep."explanation." "No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept "Calm down, dear," the man replied. with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.""Remember last week when I was at the races? That "I know," she replied. "Thats why I poisonedwas the name of the horse I backed." you." THÚ T I LÚC LÂM CHUNG 4 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 5. Jake ang lúc lâm chung. V anh, Susan, ang th c òa khóc. “Nhưng m … v a khi t i con quay v ,gi c bên c nh anh ta.Ch ang c m bàn tay y u t Sam b t u dùng ngôn ng kinh khi p nh t. Anh yc a anh, và nư c m t ch y xu ng m t ch . L i c u ã nói nh ng th con chưa bao gi nghe trư c ây!nguy n c a ch ánh th c anh kh i gi c ng . Anh T tc u là nh ng t b n ch cái1 áng s ! Mnhìn lên và ôi môi nh t nh t c a anh b t u hơi ph i n ón con và ưa con v nhà … “nhúc nhích. “Nào Sarah …” m cô ta tr l i. “Bình tĩnh nào! Nói“Susan yêu quý c a anh,” anh ta thì th m. cho m nghe, cái gì mà quá áng s v y? Nh ng t“Im i, anh yêu,” ch ta nói. “Hãy ngh ngơi. ng b n ch cái nào mà anh ta ã s d ng?”nói.” “ ng b t con k cho m nghe, m .” ngư i conAnh ta v n c ti p t c. “Susan,” anh ta nói v i gi ng gái khóc. “Con ang th t b i r i! Nh ng ch ó quám t m i. “Anh có i u ph i thú nh n v i em.” d s ! M ph i n ón con và ưa con v nhà …“Không có gì ph i thú nh n c ,” Susan khóc lóc tr nghe m !”l i. “M i vi c u n c , hãy ng i.” “Con yêu, con ph i nói cho m nghe cái gì làm con“Không, không.Anh ph i ch t trong thanh th n, quá b i r i như v y … Hãy nói cho m nghe nh ngSusan. Anh ã ng v i em gái em, b n thân em và t b n ch cái kinh khi p này!”m em.” V n còn th n th c, cô dâu tr l i, “ , m … nh ng “Em bi t,” ch ta tr l i. “ i u ó t i sao em t như rác, gi t, i, và n u nư ng!” u c anh.” I HAVE TO SHOW HER …AFTER THE HONEY MOON Everybodys heard of the Air Forces ultra-high-A young couple got married and left on their security,super-secret base in Nevada, known simplyhoneymoon. When they got back, the bride as "Area 51?"immediately called her mother. Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landingmother. at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogationhoneymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No room.sooner had she spoken the words then she burst out The pilots story was that he took off fromcrying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he wasSam started using the most horrible language. Hes about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a fullbeen saying things Ive never heard before! All these FBI background check on the pilot and held himawful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and overnight during the investigation.take me home... " By the next day, they were finally convinced "Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. Theydown! Tell me,what could be so awful? What 4- gassed up his air-plane, gave him a terrifying "you-letter words has he been using?" did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats "Please dont make me tell you, mamma." wept of spending the rest of his life in prison, told himthe daughter. "Im so embarrassed! Theyre just too Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,awful! Youve got to come get me and take me and sent him on his way.home... please mamma!" The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air "Darling, you must tell me what has you so Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Onceupset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter again, the MPs surrounded the plane...only this timewords!" there were two people inside. Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do. . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!" anything you want to me, but my wife is in the planeSAU TU N TRĂNG M T and you have to tell her where I was last night!" TÔI PH I CH RA CHO CÔ YM t c p trai gái tr cư i nhau và i hư ng tu ntrăng m t. Khi h quay l i, ngay l p t c cô dâu g i Có ai ã nghe v căn c c c kỳ an ninh, siêu bí m t i n tho i cho m . c a không l c (M ) Nevada, ư c bi t dư i tên“Nào, tu n trăng m t ra sao? “ ngư i m h i. g i ơn gi n “Vùng 51?”“ , m !” cô ta la lên. “Tu n trăng m t thì tuy t! Vào m t bu i chi u mu n, ngư i không l c VùngR t lãng m n!” Ch ng m y ch c sau khi nói ra cô ta 51 r t ng c nhiên th y m t chi c Cessna h cánh t i 5 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 6. căn c “bí m t” c a h . H l p t c nh t chi c máy considers me a better housekeeper and cook thanbay và lôi phi công vào phòng th m v n. you, Madam. He has told me himself."Câu chuy n c a viên phi công là anh ta c t cánh t The rich woman just swallowed and saidVegas, b l c và phát hi n ra căn c ngay khi anh ta nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girls p h t nhiên li u. Không l c b t u m t cu c ki m continued, "I am better in bed than you!"tra thông tin c n thi t c a FBI v viên phi công và "And I suppose my husband told you that,gi anh ta qua êm trong su t cu c ph ng v n. too?"Vào ngày hôm sau, cu i cùng h tin r ng viên phi "No, Madam," said he maid. "Not yourcông l c th c s và không ph i là m t gián i p. H husband, the mail man!"cung c p nhiên li u cho chi c máy bay, ưa cho anh NG L N X N V I NGƯ I GIÚP VI Cta m t ch d n áng s “anh ã không th y m t căn NHÀc ”, cùng v i nh ng l i e d a anh ta s tù su tquãng i còn l i, nói v i anh ta Vegas có ư ng M t quý bà Beverly Hills n i gi n cô giúp vi cbay như th , như th , và ti n anh ta lên ư ng. ngư i Pháp. Sau m t b n danh sách dài nh ng nh nNgày hôm sau, trong s b t ng không th tin ư c xét khó ch u v nh ng l i c a cô ta khi n u ăn vàc a không l c, cũng chi c Cessna ó xu t hi n tr qu n gia, bà u i cô giúp vi c.l i. M t l n n a, quân c nh bao quanh chi c máy Ngư i giúp vi c, v i dòng máu Celte, không thbay … nhưng l n này có hai ngư i bên trong. ch p nh n m t s lăng m như v y ra i không cóCũng viên phi công ó nh y ra và nói:”Các ông làm câu tr l i. “Ch ng bà xem tôi là m t ngư i qu n giagì tôi cũng ư c, nhưng v tôi ang trên máy bay và n u ăn t t hơn bà, thưa bà.Chính ông ã nói v ivà các ông ph i nói v i cô y t i qua tôi âu!” tôi.”I JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT … Ngư i àn bà giàu có ch nín nh n và không nói gì. “Và hơn n a,” cô gái gi n d ti p t c, “ trênA young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After gi ng tôi gi i hơn bà !”she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed “Và tôi cho r ng ch ng tôi cũng nói v i cô i uthat you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentines ó?”day. What do “Không, thưa bà,” ngư i giúp vi c nói. “Không ph iyou think it means?" ch ng bà, ông ưa thư !” "Youll know tonight." he said. FRIEND FOR DINNER That evening, the man came home with asmall package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited aopened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning friend home for supper."of dreams". "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess,EM CÓ M T GI C MƠ V I U Ó… I havent been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking a fancy meal!" M t ph n tr ng trưa. Sau khi cô th c "I know all that."d y, cô nói v i ch ng:”Em ã mơ úng r ng anh "Then why did you invite a friend fort ng em m t chu i h t ng c trai trong ngày supper?"Valentine. Anh nghĩ nó có ý nghĩa gì? "Because the poor fools thinking about “T i nay em s bi t.” anh ta nói. getting married." Chi u t i hôm ó, ngư i àn ông i v nhà B N ĂN T Iv i m t gói nh và t ng v . Ngư i v vui m ng mnó ra – ch th y m t cu n sách t a “Ý nghĩa c a “Em yêu,” ch ng nói v i v , “Anh ã m inh ng gi c mơ.” m t ngư i b n n nhà ta ăn t i.”DON’T MESS WITH THE MAID “Cái gì?Anh có iên không? Nhà c a thì l n x n, em thì chưa i ch , chén ĩa thì dơ, và emA rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her không mu n n u m t b a ăn kỳ khôi !”French maid.After a long list of stinging remarks “Anh bi t h t r i.”about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, “V y t i sao anh m i b n ăn t i?”she dismissed the maid. “Vì th ng ng t i nghi p ang nghĩ n vi c The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldnt cư i v .”allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband THE SECRET 6 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 7. Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you Không ai nói gì v b c tư ng n a, th m chítold her the secret I told you not to tell her." c khuya hôm ó lúc h i ng . Vào kho ng hai gi "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told sáng, ngư i ch ng th c d y, i vào nhà b p và quayher not to tell you I told her." l i m t lúc sau v i m t cái bánh sandwich và m t ly "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, dont tell her I s a. “ ây,” anh ta nói v i “b c tư ng” , “ăn cái gìtold you that she told me." i ch . Tôi ng như m t th ng ng c nhà Smith I U BÍ M T trong 3 ngày và không ai ưa cho tôi ngay n c m t ly nư c. Jill than phi n v i Nina:”Rosey nói v i anh WISDOM TEETHr ng em nói v i cô ta i u bí m t anh ã nói v i em ng nói v i cô ta.” One day a man walks into a dentists office and asks “À,” Nina tr l i v i gi ng t ái:” Em ã nói how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.v i cô ta ng nói v i anh em ã nói v i cô ta.” "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. “Ôi tr i!” Jill th dài. “Thôi, ng nói v i cô "Thats a ridiculous amount," the man says.ta anh ã nói v i em r ng cô ta nói v i anh.” "Isnt there a cheaper way?"THE STATUE "Well," the dentist says, "if you dont use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." A woman was in bed with her lover when "Thats still too expensive," the man says.she heard her husband opening the front door. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair ofquickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she pliers, I could get away with charging $20."dusted him with talcum powder. "Dont move until I "Nope," moans the man, "its still too much."tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend youre a "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head.statue." "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I "Whats this honey?" the husband inquired as suppose I could charge you just $10."he entered the room. "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife "Oh, its just a statue," she replied for next Tuesday !"nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their RĂNG KHÔNbedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even M t ngày kia, m t ngư i àn ông bư c vào m tlater that night when they went to sleep. Around two phòng nha sĩ và h i giá nh răng khôn là bao nhiêu.in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to “Tám mươi ô la,” nha sĩ nói.the kitchen and returned a while later with a “ ó là m t con s l lùng,” ngư i àn ông nói. “Cósandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the cách nào r hơn không?”statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the “ ,” nha sĩ nói, “n u ông không dùng thu c tê, tôiSmiths for three days and nobody offered me so có th h giá xu ng còn 60 ô la.”much as a glass of water. “Như v y v n còn quá t,” ngư i àn ông nói.B C TƯ NG “ ư c r i,” nha sĩ nói. “N u tôi ti t ki m thu c tê và ch lôi to t răng ra v i m t cái k m thì tôi có M t ph n ang n m trên giư ng v i ngư i th tính giá 20 ô la.”tình thì cô ta nghe ng ơi ch ng m c a trư c. “Không,” ngư i àn ông rên r , “như v y v n còn “Nhanh lên!” cô ta nói. “ ng trong góc quá nhi u.”nhà.” Cô ta nhanh chóng xoa d u tr em lên kh p “H m,” nha sĩ gãi u nói. N u tôi m t trongngư i anh ta và sau ó r c b t talc lên ngư i anh ta. nh ng sinh viên c a tôi làm thêm kinh nghi m thì“ ng c ng cho n khi nào em b o anh,” cô ta tôi cho là tôi có th tính giá ch 10 ô la.”thì th m. “Hãy tư ng tư ng anh là m t b c tư ng.” “Tuy t,” ngư i àn ông nói, “ t trư c cho v tôi “ ây là cái gì v y em yên?” ngư i ch ng h i vào th Ba t i !”khi bư c vào phòng. HOW DID YOU DIE ? “ , ó ch là m t b c tư ng,” cô ta tr l im t cách th ơ. “Gia ình Smiths mua m t cái t Two men waiting at the pearly gates striketrong phòng ng c a h . Em r t thích, em cũng mua up a conversation. The first man asks the second.m t cái cho nhà ta.” "So, howd you die?" "I froze to death," says the second. 7 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 8. "Thats awful," says the first man. "How does WHY MY MOM LEARNT TO PLAYit feel to freeze to death?" CLARINET? "Its very uncomfortable at first", says thesecond man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted toin all your fingers and toes. But eventually, its a learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano forvery calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of her birthday.A few weeks later, I asked how she wasdrift off, as if youre sleeping. How about you, how doing with it.did you die?" "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I "I had a heart attack," says the first man. persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead.""You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so "How come?" I asked.one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, sheto the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran cant sing."down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, T I SAO M TÔI H C CHƠI CLARINET?either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one washiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the Ba m tôi g n ây ngh hưu. M tôi luôn mu n h cattic, chơi piano, vì v y ba tôi mua cho bà m t cái trongand just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack ngày sinh nh t. M t vài tu n sau, tôi h i bà chơi ànand died." như th nào. The second man shakes his head. "Thats so “ , ba m tr l i cây àn piano.” Ba nói, “ba thuy tironic," he says. ph c m thay vào ó chuy n sang chơi clarinet.” "What do you mean?" Asks the first man. “Sao v y?” tôi h i. "If you had only stopped to look in the “Vì,” ông tr l i, “v i m t cây clarinet, m khôngfreezer, wed both still be alive." th hát.”ÔNG CH T NHƯ TH NÀO ? PREGNANT Hai ngư i àn ông i c ng ng c b t u Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy,m t cu c nói chuy n. Ngư i th nh t h i ngư i th the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid anyhai: “Sao ông ch t v y?” regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty “Tôi b óng băng n ch t,” ngư i th hai easily, for he has been desperate for quite a whilenói. now... “Th t kh ng khi p,” ngư i th nh t nói. Just before lying down on the bed, she“Ông c m th y ra sao khi b óng băng t i ch t?” glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the “Trư c h t ông c m th y r t khó ch u”, floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filledngư i th hai nói. “Ông b run, và ông c m th y au with hopeless desire... t t c các ngón tay và chân. Nhưng cu i cùng s Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens thec m th y r t êm m ra i. top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill,Ông b tê cóng và ông c m th y ki u như trôi i, and gives it to him, "Awww, my honey is sonhư th ông ang ng . Còn ông thì sao, ông ch t depressed... here, take this and go to the woman nextnhư th nào?” door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and “Tôi b au tim,” ngư i àn ông th nh t nói. remember that this happens only once... ok?... dont“Ông coi, tôi bi t v tôi ang l a d i tôi, vì v y m t think about it again."ngày kia tôi xu t hi n b t ng nhà. Tôi ch y lên The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, butphòng ng , và th y cô ta m t mình ang an . Tôi afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs thech y xu ng t ng h m nhưng cũng không ai n p money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he ó. Tôi ch y lên t ng hai, nhưng cũng không ai núp returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with ó. Tôi ch y h t s c tôi lên gác mái, nhưng khi tôi much disappointment,v a n ó thì tôi b m t cơn au tim n ng và ch t.” "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty." Ngư i àn ông th hai l c u. “Th t quá The wifes face slowly turns red with anger,m a mai,” ông ta nói. "Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her “Ông mu n nói gì?” ngư i àn ông th nh t husband came over here... I only charged himh i. fifty..." “N u ông ch vi c d ng l i nhìn vô máy CÓ B Uư p l nh thì hai ta h n ã còn s ng.” 8 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 9. Vì v mang b u tháng th tám nên ngư i ch ng ph i "Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vendingng trên n n nhà tránh b t c sai sót áng ti c machine and a Pepsi comes out...whose Pepsi isnào v n khá d x y ra, vì anh ta ã t ng li u lĩnh it...the machines or mine?"trong m t lúc cho n lúc y... LOGIC ÀN ÔNGNgay trư c khi n m xu ng giư ng, ngư i v li cnhìn ch ng và th y anh chàng t i nghi p co mình M t ngư i àn ông và v anh ta ang trongtrên sàn nhà, m t m to tr ng tr ng vào kho ng tòa án ly d .không y ham mu n tuy t v ng... V n là ai s giám h a tr .C m th y t i nghi p cho ch ng, v m ngăn kéo Ngư i v nh y lên và nói:”Thưa quý ngài,trên cùng c a t , l y ra m t t gi y b c năm mươi tôi ã ưa a tr vào th gi i này trong c c nh c và ô la và ưa cho anh ta,” Ơ, cưng c a em quá bu n cơn au .Nó úng ra ph i trong s giám h c a... ây, c m cái này và i t i cô k bên nhà, cô ta s tôi.”cho anh ng v i cô ta êm nay ... và nh r ng vi c Quan tòa quay qua ngư i ch ng và nói:”Ôngnày ch x y ra m t l n thôi ... ư c ch ? ... ng ph i nói gì bi n h ?”nghĩ t i i u ó l n n a nhé.” Ngư i àn ông ng i xu ng tr m ngâm m tNgư i ch ng tròn m t trong s hoài nghi, nhưng s h i ... sau ó t t ng d y.r ng v có th thay i ý ki n, anh ta c m ti n và “Thưa quý ngài, n u tôi t m t ô la vàonhanh chóng r i i. M t vài phút sau, anh ta quay máy bán hàng và m t lon Pepsi i ra ... lon Pepsi làl i, ưa t b c l i cho v và nói v i nhi u th t v ng: c a ai ... c a máy hay c a tôi?”“Cô ta nói như v y thì không , cô ta mu n sáu MEDICAL MIRACLEch c.”Khuôn m t ngư i v d n d n b ng vì gi n, “Con An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man.chó cái áng nguy n r a ... khi nó có b u và ch ng After about six months together, the woman wasntnó i qua ây ... tao ch òi ch ng nó có năm feeling well and she went to her doctor.ch c...” The doctor examined and said,MILLIONAIRE "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, youre going to be a mother." A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who "Get serious doctor, Im 80."made my husband a millionaire." "I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I "And what was he before you married him?" would have said it was impossible, but thisasked the friend. afternoon you are a medical miracle." The woman replied, "A billionaire..." "Ill be darned," she replied and stormed out ofTRI U PHÚ the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she M t ph n nói v i b n:”Chính tôi là ngư i dialed her husband.làm ch ng tôi thành m t tri u phú.” "Hello," she heard in his familiar halting “Và ông là gì trư c khi b n cư i ông?” voice.ngư i b n h i. She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me Ngư i ph n áp:”M t t phú...” pregnant!"MALE LOGIC There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Whos calling please?" A man and his wife are in court getting a PHÉP L Y H Cdivorce. The problem was who should get custody of M t bà lão 80 tu i cư i m t ông lão 85 tu i. Sau sáuthe child. tháng chung s ng, bà lão c m tháy không kh e và bà The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. i bác sĩ.I brought the child into this world with pain and Bác sĩ khám và nói:”Xin chúc m ng, bác Jones, báclabor. She should be in my custody." s là m t bà m .” The judge turns to the husband and says, “Hãy nghiêm túc, bác sĩ, tôi 80 tu i."What do you have to say in your defense?" “Cháu bi t,” bác sĩ nói,”sáng nay, cháu h n s nói The man sat for a while contemplating...then i u này b t kh , nhưng chi u nay bác là m t phépslowly rose. l y h c.” 9 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 10. “Tôi s b nguy n r a,” bà lão tr l i và i x c ra V nói:”Th ó không thích h p và anh bi t v y.kh i phòng m ch. Bà i xu ng hành lang và quanh Anh chưa tr ti n phí b o hi m v a r i và công ty ãgóc nhà nơi i n tho i. Trong m t cơn gi n, bà g i anh m t thông báo h y b .”quay s g i ch ng. “M ki p,” gã thét lên. “Bà có ch u câm cái mõm“Hello,” bà nghe gi ng ng p ng ng quen thu c c a chó ch t c a bà m t l n không.”ông. “Thưa bà,” c nh sát nói, “ông này có luôn nói v i bàBà la lên:”Ông CHÓ i b i. Ông ã làm tôi như th này không?”mang thai. “Ch khi ông y ã u ng rư u.”Trên ư ng dây ngưng l i m t tí. Cu i cùng, ch ng ROMANCEbà tr l i:”Xin vui lòng cho bi t ai ang g i?”SPEEDING... An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife feltA Guy and his wife are driving a car along a twisty romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use toroad with a 55MPH limit. Cop pulls the guy over. hold my hand when we were courting." "Had you going about 70 in 55 back there," Wearily he reached across, held her hand for asays the cop. second, then tried to get back to sleep. "Not me," says the guy, "Could be your radar A few moments later she said, "Then you usedpicked up someone else or something, but my to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gavespeedometer was set right on 55." her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Wife pipes up, "You were to going 70. Ive Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you usedtold you 20 mile back you were going to get stopped to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedif you didnt slow down." covers and got out of bed. "Shut up would ya!" mumbles the guy. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Can I see your proof of insurance?" asks the "To get my teeth!"cop. LÃNG M N "Sure, my card is right here in my wallet." Wife says, "That cards no good and you know M t t i kia, m t c p v ch ng có tu i angit. You havent paid the last premium and the n m trên giư ng. Ngư i ch ng rơi vào gi c ngcompany sent you a cancellation notice." nhưng ngư i v c m th y tình c m dâng trong lòng "Damn," yells the guy. "Would you shut the và mu n nói chuy n. Bà nói:”Anh thư ng c m tayhell up for once" em khi chúng ta yêu nhau.” "Maam," says the cop, "Does this guy always M t cách m t m i, ông vươn ngang tay, c mtalk to you like this?" tay bà trong m t giây, sau ó c quay l i gi c ng . "Only when hes been drinking." M t lát sau bà nói:”Sau ó anh thư ng hônCH Y QUÁ T C ... em.” Hơi b c d c, ông vươn ngư i qua, hôn v i m t cái trên má và n m xu ng ng .M t gã àn ông và v ang lái m t chi c xe hơi trên Ba mươi giây sau, bà nói:”Sau ó anhcon ư ng trên con ư ng khúc khu u có gi i h n thư ng c n c em.” iên ti t, ông quăng t m tr it c 55 d m/gi . C nh sát l nh cho anh ta d ng giư ng và nh y ra kh i giư ng.vào v ư ng. “Anh i âu?” bà h i.“Ông ã ch y kho ng 70 trong gi i h n 55 phía sau “L y hàm răng!”kia,” c nh sát nói. FORGET IT“Không ph i tôi,” gã nói, “có th radar các ông quétai ó khác ho c v t gì ó, nhưng công tơ mét c a tôi "The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told hisch úng 55.” friend Doug.Ngư i v nói to lên:”anh ch y 70. Em ã nói anh "Why not add some intrigue to your life andgi m 20 d m anh s b d ng n u anh không ch y have an affair?" Doug suggested.ch m xu ng.” "But what if my wife finds out?"“Câm m bà l i!” gã l m b m. "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go“Tôi có th xem gi y t b o hi m không?” c nh sát ahead and tell her about it!"h i. So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think“ ư c, th c a tôi ngay trong bóp tôi.” an affair will bring us closer together." 10 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 11. "Forget it," said his wife. "Ive tried that - it "Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate, swear,never worked." make obscene gestures and has a better drivingQUÊN I U Ó I record than me." "Its a guy thing."“Hôn nhân c a tôi không còn gì thú v n a,” Bill nói Really means...v i b n Doug. "There is no rational thought pattern“T i sao không thêm s ngo i tình vào cu c i b n connected with it, and you have no chance at all ofvà có thêm m t m i tình?” Doug ngh making it logical."“Nhưng v tôi tìm ra thì sao?” "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."“ qu , chúng ta ang s ng trong m t th i i Really means...m i, Bill . Hãy th và nói v i cô y v i u ó!” Absolutely nothing. Its a conditionedTh là Bill v nhà và nói:”Cưng, anh nghĩ m t m i response like Pavlovs dog drooling.tình s làm cho chúng ta g n nhau hơn.” "My wife doesnt understand me."“Quên i u ó i,” v nói. “Em ã th r i – chưa Really means...bao gi hi u qu .” "Shes heard all my stories before, and is tiredON THE ROAD of them." "It would take too long to explain."After weeks on the road an over the road trucker Really means...pulled into a brothel.The trucker walked up to the "I have no idea how it works."madam, slapped $500.00 on the counter and "Take a break, honey, youre working toodemanded "Give me a bologna sandwich and the hard."ugliest, meanest, most foul tempered woman in the Really means...house." "I cant hear the game over the vacuum The madam looked at the trucker and cleaner."exclaimed, "Sir for this kind of money you can have "Its a really good movie."the best steak with all the trimmings and two of the Really means...prettiest girls in the state." "Its got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather The trucker slowly looked up and with a tear Locklear."in his eye said, "You dont understand, Im not "Thats womens work."hungry or looking for company, Im homesick!" Really means...TRÊN Ư NG I "Its difficult, dirty, and thankless." "Go ask your mother."Sau hàng tu n trên ư ng i, m t tài x xe t i ch y Really means...vào m t nhà ch a. Ông ta bư c t i bà ch ch a, p "I am incapable of making a decision."500 ô la trên qu y và ra l nh:”Cho tôi m t sanwich "I do help around the house."bologna và m t em x u nh t, hèn h nh t, tính tình Really means...t m nh t trong nhà này.” "I once put a dirty towel in the laundryTú bà nhìn tài x và la lên:”Thưa ông, v i s ti n basket."này ông có th ăn món steak ngon nh t và hai em d "I cant find it."thương nh t bang.” Really means...Tài x t t nhìn lên và v i gi t nư c m t trong m t, "It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, soanh ta nói:”Bà không hi u, tôi không ói và tìm b n Im completely clueless."tình, tôi nh nhà!” I U ÀN ÔNG TH C S NÓIWHAT MEN REALLY MEAN “Tôi s i câu cá.” Nghĩa th c s ..."Im going fishing." “Tôi s i u ng rư u m t mình, và ng bên Really means... dòng nư c v i c n câu trong tay trong khi cá bơi bên "Im going to drink myself , and stand by a c nh an toàn tuy t i.stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim “Tài x n .”by in complete safety." Nghĩa th c s ... "Woman driver." Really means... 11 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 12. “Ai ó không ch y nhanh, không bám uôi The Mother wrote back the next day, "If youxe khác m t cách nguy hi m, không có nh ng c ch find a solution, please advise. I have the samet c tĩu và có ti n s lái xe t t hơn tôi.” problem with his Father." “ ó là m t v n àn ông.” BÉ JOHNNY Nghĩa th c s ... “Không có m t ki u m u suy nghĩ lý trí nào Giáo viên c a bé Johnny g i m t gi y báo v chok t n i v i nó, và b n không có cơ h i nào làm má nó, vi t:”Johnny có v là m t a bé r t sáng d ,nó có logic.” nhưng dùng quá nhi u thì gi c a nó nghĩ v tình “ há,” “ , cưng,” ho c “Vâng, em yêu.” d c và gái.” Nghĩa th c s ... Ngư i má vi t l i vào hôm sau:”N u cô tìm ra cách Tuy t i ch ng có gì. ó là m t ph n x có gi i quy t, hãy khuyên nh . Tôi cũng có cùng v n i u ki n như chó c a Paplop ch y nư c dãi. ó v i ba nó.” “V tôi không hi u tôi.” SEX WITH GAS Nghĩa th c s ... “Cô y ã nghe t t c các câu chuy n c a tôi There was this gas station in "redneck country"trư c ó, và m t m i vì chúng.” trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a gi i thích thì quá dài. sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon, a Nghĩa th c s ... customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked “Tôi không có ý ki n gì nó x y ra như th for his free sex.nào.” The owner told him to pick a number from 1 “Hãy t m ngh , cưng, em làm vi c quá to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get hisn ng.” free sex. Nghĩa th c s ... The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor “Tôi không th nghe trò chơi c a máy hút said, "No, but you were close. The number was 7.b i.” Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time." “ ó là m t phim hay th c s .” Some time thereafter, the same man, along Nghĩa th c s ... with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill- “Nó có súng, dao, xe phóng nhanh, và up, and again he asked for his free sex. TheHeather Locklear.” proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked “ ó là m t công vi c ph n .” him to guess the correct number. Nghĩa th c s ... The man guessed 2 this time and the “ ó là m t công vi c khó khăn, dơ b n, và proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, butkhông ư c bi t ơn.” no free sex this time." “ i h i má em.” As they were driving away, the driver said to Nghĩa th c s ... his buddy, "I think that game is rigged, and he “Anh b t l c trong vi c ưa ra m t quy t doesnt really give away free sex." nh.” The buddy replied, "No, its not rigged...my “Anh qu có giúp trong vi c nhà.” wife won twice last week."Nghĩa th c s ... SEX V I D U XĂNGAnh ã m t l n t khăn lau m t dơ vào r gi t .”“Anh không th tìm ra nó.” Có m t cây xăng như th “vùng quê l c h u” cNghĩa th c s ... tăng s bán, vì th ông ch t m t t m b ng:”“Nó không rơi vào ôi tay vươn ra c a anh, vì th xăng ư c sex mi n phí.” Ch ng bao lâu, m t kháchanh hoàn toàn không có d u v t.” hàng ghé xe vào, xăng, sau ó h i sex mi n phí. Ông ch nói anh ta ch n m t s t 1 t i 10, và n uLITTLE JOHNNY anh ta oán úng, anh ta s ư c chơi mi n phí. Sau ó ngư i mua oán 8 và ông ch nói:”KhôngLittle Johnnys teacher sent a note home to his úng, nhưng g n úng. S ó là 7. Xin l i, l n nàyMother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright không có chơi mi n phí, nhưng l n t i thì có th .”boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about M t kho ng th i gian sau ó, cũng ngư i àn ôngsex and girls." ó, l n này i cùng v i b n, cũng ghé vào xăng, và l i l n n a anh ta h i sex mi n phí. Ông ch l i 12 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 13. ưa anh ta cái th như trư c, và nói anh ta oán When he gets home, the man excitedly tells úng con s . his wife about his experience at the Social SecurityNgư i àn ông l n này oán s 2 và ông ch office.nói:”Xin l i, ó là 3. Ông g n úng, nhưng không She said, "You should have dropped yourchơi mi n phí l n này ư c.” pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."Trong khi h lái i, tài x nói v i b n:”Tôi nghĩ r ng N P ƠN AN SINH XÃ H Itrò này là l a o, và ông ta không th c s cho chơimi n phí.” M t quý ông v hưu i vào văn phòng an sinh xã h iNgư i b n áp:”Không, nó không ph i trò l a o ... n p ơn.v tôi ư c hai l n tu n qua.” Sau khi i trong hàng m t lúc lâu, ông ta i t i bànTRAILING MY HUSBAND nh n ơn. Ngư i ph n ng sau bàn h i ông ta b ng lái xe th m tra tu i. Ông ta nhìn vào nh ng"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did cái túi và nh n ra ông ta ã bóp nhà. Ông ta nóiyou trail my husband?" v i ngư i àn bà r ng ông ta r t l y làm ti c nhưng "Yes maam. I did. I followed him to a bar, to nhưng ông có v như ã bóp nhà. “Tôi s ph ian out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an v nhà và quay l i bây gi không?” ông ta h i.apartment." Ngư i ph n nói:”Hãy c i nút áo sơ mi ông ra.” A big smile crossed Janes face. "Aha! Ive Vì th ông ta c i áo sơ mi ông ta cho th y nhi u s igot him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what lông b c xoăn.he was doing?" Bà ta nói:”S i lông b c tr ng ó trên ng c ông là "No maam." replied the sleuth. "Its pretty b ng ch ng cho tôi,” và bà ta gi i quy t ơn xinclear that he was following you." an sinh xã h i c a ông.THEO DÕI CH NG Khi ngư i àn ông v nhà, ông ta xúc ng k cho v nghe v i u ông tr i qua văn phòng an sinh xã“Như v y,” Jane h i viên thám t cô ã thuê, “anh h i. ã theo d u ch ng tôi ch ?” Bà ta nói:”Ông mà c i qu n ông ra thì ông ã ư c“ úng, thưa bà. Tôi ã theo. Tôi theo anh y t i m t xem là ã b m t kh năng n a.”bar, t i m t nhà hàng xa ư ng và sau ó t i m t TEN DOLLARS IS TEN DOLLARScăn h .”M t n cư i rõ ràng hi n ra trên m t Jane. “Aha! Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha wereTôi ã b t ư c lão ta!” cô nói m t cách h hê.”Có from Portland,Maine. Every year they went to thegì áng ng lão ta ang làm gì không?” Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya“Không, thưa bà,” thám t tr l i. “Tình hình khá rõ know, Martha, Id like to get a ride in that airplane."ràng là anh y ang theo bà.” And every year, Martha would say "I know,APPLYING FOR SOCIAL SECURITY Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars .. and ten dollars is ten dollars."A retired gentleman went into the social security So one year Stumpy says, "Martha, Im 71office to apply for Social Security. years old, and if I dont go this time I may never go." After waiting in line a long time he got to the Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride iscounter. The woman behind the counter asked him ten dollars ... and ten dollars is ten dollars."for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks,his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at Ill make you a deal. Ill take you both up for a ride.home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not sayhe seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I ONE WORD, then I wont charge you. But just ONEhave to go home and come back now?" he asks. WORD and its ten dollars." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." They agree and up they go... the pilot does all So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not asilver hair. word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is She says, "That silver hair on your chest is still no word... so he lands.proof enough for me," and she processed his Social He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop andSecurity application. says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didnt." 13 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 14. And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say V : M i khi có s c , không c n bi t khósomething when Martha fell out ... but ten dollars is gi i quy t như th nào, em nhìn vào hình anh và sten dollars." c bi n m t.MƯ I Ô LA LÀ MƯ I Ô LA Ch ng: Em xem, anh kỳ di u và m nh m như th nào i v i em? Stumpy Grinder và v Martha V : úng, em nhìn hình nh c a anh và t Portland, Maine(Hoa Kỳ). Hàng năm h i t i h i nh :”S c nào khác có th l n hơn s c này?”ch Portland và hàng năm Stumpy nói:”Em bi t ÀN ÔNG VÀ ÀN BÀkhông, Martha, anh mu n c i trên máy bay ó.” Vàm i năm, Martha thư ng nói:”Em bi t, Stumpy, MESSAGE FOR ALL OF YOU SINGLESnhưng c i máy bay ó t n 10 ô la ... và mư i ô lalà mư i ô la.” This is a message for all of you singles. Vì v y m t năm kia, Stumpy nói:”Martha, Is life getting you down?anh ã 71 tu i, và n u anh không i l n này anh có Guys, have you been getting depressedth không bao gi i ư c n a.” Martha tr because there is simply not enoughl i:”Stumpy, c i máy bay ó ch ó là mư i ô la ... women to go around?và mư i ô la là mư i ô la.” And ladies, are you tired of the guys being to n như th , viên phi công khi ó nghe lõm afraid to ask you out?và nói:”Hai bác, cháu s th a thu n v i hai bác. Tôi Well here it is, the answer to everyoness ưa hai bác bà i máy bay. N u hai bác có th im deepest wish! Here is "The Guidel ng trong su t cu c chơi và không nói M T L I to Being Dumped." These are the top 10 dumpingthì cháu s không tính ti n hai bác. Nhưng ch m t lies translated to their true eanings for all of you.l i và như th là 10 ô la.” "Im not ready for that type of commitment" H ng ý và h lên máy bay ... viên phi Translation: I dont want to date you;công làm m i vòng xo n và qu o, l n vòng và b however, you can take me out tonhào, nhưng không có l i nào ư c nghe. Ông ta dinner and a movie every once in a while. Just dontlàm như v y m t l n n a, nhưng không có t nào ... hang around me sovì v y ông ta h cánh. much that you scare away the people I really want to Ông ta quay qua Stumpy khi h d ng l i và date.nói:”Tr i ơi, cháu làm m i th cháu có th nghĩ t i "God doesnt want me to date right now. " làm cho hai bác kêu lên, nhưng hai bác không Translation: I dont know why I said yes inkêu.” the first place. God doesntVà Stumpy tr l i:” , tôi s p kêu lên cái gì ó khi want me to date someone as ugly as you.Martha r t ra ... nhưng mư i ô la là mư i ô la.” "I only date older men/women."WHEN THERE IS A PROBLEM… Translation: I only date older men/women who have more money than you do. "Youre just not my type."Hubby : You always carry my photo in your Translation: When I look at you, and think ofhandbag to the office. Why? kissing you, I get physically sick. Wife : When there is a problem, no matter "Youre too good for me."how impossible, I look at your picture and the Translation: Im too good/much cool for you.problem disappears. "Youre too much like a brother/sister" Hubby : You see, how miraculous and Translation: I like you, but you just dont turnpowerful I am for you? me on. Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to "Youll always have a special place in mymyself, "What other problem can there be greater heart."than this one ?" Translation: My lawyer will contact you soonM I KHI CÓ S C … about the restraining order. "I think we should date other people." Ch ng: Em luôn em hình anh trong túi Translation: Look, Im late for my date,mang t i cơ quan.Sao v y? he/shes probably waiting in the parking lot. Ive got to go. "I just dont have the time to date anyone." 14 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 15. Translation: You DO realize that Ive been D ch: Có l anh/em là ngư i àn ông/ àn bà cu iavoiding you for months now... cùng trên Trái t. "Maybe we can get together real soon." HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN Translation: Perhaps if you were the lastman/woman on Earth. A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they seeTHÔNG I P CHO T T C CÁC B N – a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women NH NG NGƯ I C THÂN Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. ây là thông i p cho t t c các b n – nh ng ngư i The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains c thân. to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go upCu c s ng có làm các b n bu n không? floor-by-floor,and once you find what you areCác b n nam, các b n ã chán n n vì ơn gi n là looking for, you can stay there. Its easy to decidekhông có ph n giao du ? since each floor has a sign telling you whats inside."Và các b n n , các b n có nhàm chán v i nh ng b n So they start going up and on the first floortrai ng i m i b n i chơi? the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short ây r i, câu tr l i cho ư c mong sâu kín nh t c a and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitationm i ngư i! ây là “Hư ng d n cho vi c b t ch i.” move on to the next floor. ây là 10 l i d i gian t ch i ư c d ch ra chân The sign on the second floor reads: "All thenghĩa cho t t c các b n. men here are short and handsome." Still, this isnt“Em không s n lòng cho ki u t n tình ó” good enough, so the friends continue on up.D ch: Tôi không mu n h n hò v i anh; tuy nhiên, They reach the third floor and the sign reads:anh có th th nh tho ng ưa tôi i chơi ăn t i và "All the men here are tall and plain." They still wantxem phim. Ch ng l n qu n quanh tôi quá nhi u to do better, and so, knowing there are still two n n i làm nh ng ngư i khác – nh ng ngư i mà tôi floors left, they continued on up.th c s mu n h n hò – ho ng s . On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the“Chúa không mu n em/anh làm m t cái h n ngay men here are tall and handsome." The women get allbây gi .” excited and are going in when they realize that thereD ch: Tôi không bi t sao tôi nói “có” nơi u is still one floor left. Wondering what they aretiên.Chúa không mu n tôi h n hò v i m t ngư i x u missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.xí như anh/em. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no“Em ch h n hò v i nh ng ngư i l n tu i hơn.” men here. This floor was built only to prove thatD ch:Tôi ch h n hò v i nh ng ngư i l n tu i hơn, there is no way to please a woman."nh ng ngư i có nhi u ti n hơn anh. LÀM SAO LÀM V A LÒNG M T PH“Em/anh không ph i là tuýp ngư i như tôi” ND ch: Khi tôi nhìn vào em/anh, và nghĩ t i vi c hônem/anh, tôi phát b nh th t s . M t nhóm b n gái ang kỳ ngh thì h th y m t“Anh/em quá t t i v i tôi.” khách s n 5 t ng v i m t t m bi n :”Ch dành choD ch:Tôi hoàn toàn/r t lãnh m i v i anh/em. ph n .” Vì h không có b n trai và ch ng nên h“Anh /em r t gi ng anh trai/em gái em/anh.” quy t nh i vào.D ch: Tôi m n anh/em, nhưng anh/em không làm tôi Tay “b o kê”, m t gã r t h p d n, gi i thích cho hyêu ư c. khách s n ho t ng ra sao. “Chúng tôi có 5 t ng. i“Anh/em luôn có m t v trí c bi t trong tim lên t ng t ng, và khi các b n tìm cái gì các b n angem/anh.” tìm ki m, các b n có th ó.Quy t nh t ng nàoD ch: Lu t sư c a tôi s mau g p anh/cô v l nh thì d vì m i t ng có m t t m bi n cho b n bi t cáingăn gi . gì trong.”“Em/anh nghĩ chúng ta nên h n ngư i khác.” Nghe v y, h b t u i lên và trên t ng th nh t,D ch: Hãy xem, tôi tr h n, anh y/cô y h u như t m bi n :”T t c àn ông t ng này u lùn vàch c ch n ang i bãi u xe. Tôi ph i i. thư ng.” Nhóm b n cư i và không i lên t ng k“Em ch không có th i gi h n v i b t c ai.” ti p không do d .D ch: Anh ph i nh n ra r ng tôi ã tránh m t anh T m bi n t ng th hai :”T t c àn ông âytrong nhi u tháng nay … u lùn và p trai.” Cũng v y, t ng này v n không“Chúng ta có th g n gũi nhau trong th i gian s p hay, vì th nhóm b n l i ti p t c i lên trên.t i th c s .” 15 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 16. H t i t ng th ba và t m bi n :” T t c àn ông became very friendly. George brushed her off rather ây u cao và thư ng.” H v n mu n hơn, và như rudely.th , bi t v n còn hai t ng n a, h ti p t c i lên trên. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that t ng th tư, t m bi n ghi tuy t h o:”T t c àn young woman, and you were so rude."ông ây u cao và p trai.” Nhóm ph n t t c "Harriet, shes a prostitute." u ph n ch n và i vào thì h nh n ra r ng v n còn "I dont believe you. That sweet youngm t t ng n a.L y làm ng c nhiên mình ang thi u lady?"cái gì, h i lên t ng năm. "Lets go up to our room and Ill prove it." ây h tìm th y t m bi n :”Không có àn ông In their room, George called down to the ây. T ng này ư c xây d ng ch ch ng t r ng desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217.không có cách nào làm hài lòng m t ph n .” "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enoughUGLY BABY to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in,A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. swirling her hips provocatively. The bus driver says, "Thats the ugliest baby "So, I see youre interested after all," she said.Ive ever seen." George asked, "How much do you charge?" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for specialthe fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of services."the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she George was taken aback. "$125! I waswas agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The thinking more in the range of $25."bus driver insulted me," she fumed. Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really The man sympathized and said: "Why, hes a be a hick if you think you canpublic servant and shouldnt say things to insult buy sex for that price."passengers." "Well," said George, "I guess we cant do "Youre right" she said. "I think Ill go back business.Goodbye."up there and give him a piece of my mind." After she left, Harriet came out of the "Thats a good idea" the man said. "Here, let bathroom. "I just cant believe it."me hold your monkey." George said, "Lets forget it. Well go have a A BÉ X U XÍ drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, M t ph n i lên xe buýt v i m t a bé b trên Bambi came up behind Georgetay. pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get Tài x nói:” ó là a bé x u nh t mà tôi t ng for $25?"th y.” ANH CÓ GÌ V I 25 Ô LA? Trong cơn b c t c, ngư i ph n qu ng ti n vé vàoô thu ti n và ng i vào m t chi c gh g n sau xe. George và Harriet cư i nhau ã ư c 25 năm.HNgư i àn ông ng i g n ch ta hi u r ng ch ta ang quy t nh làm l k ni m b ng m t chuy n i chơib kích ng và h i ch ta i u gì ã x y ra. “Tài x Las Vegas.Khi h bư c vào khách s n/sòng bài vàlăng m tôi,” ch ta n i óa. ăng ký, m t ph n tr h p d n m c m t chi c váy Ngư i àn ông thông c m và nói:”Sao, anh ta làm r t ng n tr nên r t thân thi n v i h .George g t côd ch v công c ng và không nên nói nh ng i u ta m t cách hơi khi m nhã.lăng m hành khách.” Harriet ph n i:” George, ngư i ph n tr ó d “Anh úng ó, “ ch ta nói.”Tôi nghĩ tôi s i thương, và anh th t khi m nhã.”ngư c lên trên và nói to c ra v i anh ta.” “Harriet, cô ta là m t gái i m.”“ ó là ý ki n hay” ngư i àn ông nói.”Này, hãy “Em không tin anh.Ngư i ph n tr h p d n ó ư?”tôi b con kh c a ch .” “Chúng ta hãy i lên phòng và anh s ch ng minhWHAT DO YOU GET FOR 25$ ? i u ó.” Trong phòng h , George g i xu ng qu y và g iGeorge and Harriet were married twenty-five years. Bambi n phòng 1217.They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. “Bây gi ,” anh ta nói, “em n p trong phòng t m, c aWhen they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a m ra ch nghe anh và cô ta, ư c ch ?” Côsweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, v làm theo.Ch ng bao lâu, có m t ti ng gõ c a. 16 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 17. George m ra và Bambi i vào, ong ưa hông m t “L quá, t i sao b n không cư i cô ta?” b n tôi h i.cách khêu g i. Tôi nhún vai và tr l i:” Cô ta mong ch m t ngư i“Như v y, sau h t, em th y anh ã chú ý,” cô ta nói. àn ông hoàn h o.”George h i:”Cô tính bao nhiêu?” TWO DEALERS AND A VERY ATTRACTIVE“125 ô giá n n, 100 ô bu c boa ph c v c bi t.” LADYGeorge s ng s t:”125 ô! Tôi ang cân nh c v i c25 ô.” Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a crapsBambi cư i gi u:”Anh h n ph i là m t gã nhà quê table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants toth c s n u anh nghĩ anh có th mua ư c sex v i bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.giá ó.” She says, "I hope you dont mind, but I feel“Thôi,” George nói,”tôi cho là chúng ta không th much luckier when Im bottomless."làm vi c ó.T m bi t.” With that, she strips naked from the waistSau khi cô ta i, Harriet i ra kh i phòng t m. “Em down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mommakhông th tin ư c.” needs a new pair of pants!"George nói:”Chúng ta hãy quên i u ó i.Chúng ta She then begins jumping up and down ands i u ng, sau ó ăn cơm. hugging and kissing each of the dealers. "YES! IT i qu y, trong khi h ang nh m nháp c ctây, WIN! I WIN!"Bambi i n ng sau George, kín áo ch vào With that, she picks up her money andHarriet và nói:”Xem anh có gì v i 25 ô?” clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare atI’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT each other dumbfounded.GIRL Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" A friend asked me the other day why i never The other answers, "I dont know! I thoughtgot married. YOU were watching!" I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the HAI NGƯ I CHIA BÀI VÀ M T PH Nright woman... I guess Ive been looking for the R TH PD Nperfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely Hai ngư i chia bài m t m i ang ng i i t iyou have met at least one girl bàn xí ng u. M t ph n r t h p d n bư c vào vàthat you wanted to marry." mu n ánh m t ván 20.000 ô la trong m t cú th xí "Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she ng u duy nh t.was the one perfect girl -- Nàng nói:”Em hy v ng hai anh không ng i,the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just nhưng em nghĩ s may m n hơn nhi u khi emthe right everything... I really mean that she was the “không áy”.perfect girl for me." Theo l i nói, nàng c i kh a thân t eo "Well, why didnt you marry her?" asked my xu ng, r i gieo xí ng u v i ti ng reo:”Má c n m tfriend. cái qu n m i!” I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She Sau ó nàng nh y lên xu ng và ôm và hônwas looking for the perfect man." hai ngư i chia bài.” ÚNG! EM TH NG! EMTÔI à TÌM KI M M T CÔ GÁI HOÀN H O TH NG!” V i l i nói ó, nàng ôm ti n và qu n áo vàM t ngày kia, m t ngư i b n h i tôi t i sao tôi r i i nhanh chóng.Hai ngư i chia bài nhìn nhaukhông cư i v . ch m ch p ch t i ng.Tôi tr l i:”À, tôi oán r ng tôi không bao gi g p Cu i cùng m t trong hai ngư i h i:”Dù saom t ph n mong mu n … Tôi ư c ch ng tôi ã tìm i n a thì cô ta ã gieo s m y?”ki m m t cô gái hoàn h o.” Ngư i kia áp:”Tôi không bi t! Tôi“ , ti p t c i nào,” b n tôi nói. “Ch c ch n anh ã nghĩ ANH ang canh!”g p ít nh t m t cô gái anh mu n cư i.” BEFORE I MARRY SARAH“ úng, có m t cô … m t l n. Tôi ư c ch ng cô ta làm t cô gái hoàn h o – m t cô gái hoàn h o duy nh t Patient: "Doctor, before I marry Sarah nexttôi t ng g p th c s . M i th cô ta u úng … Tôi Saturday, theres something Id like to get off myth c s mu n nói r ng cô ta là cô gái hoàn h o i chest."v i tôi.” Doctor: "Whats that?" 17 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 18. Patient: "A tattoo saying I love Alice." worried about what had happened to Sister Logical.TRƯ C KHI TÔI CƯ I SARAH Then Sister Logical arrived, breathless and flushed.B nh nhân: “Bác sĩ, trư c khi tôi cư i Sarah th b y Sister Mathematical: "Sister Logical! Thankt i, tôi mu n l y m t th ra kh i ng c.” God you are here! Tell me what happened!"Bác sĩ: “Cái ó là cái gì?” Sister Logical: The only logical thingB nh nhân:”M t hình xăm có ch “Tôi yêu Alice.”” happened. The man couldnt follow us both, so heDOCTOR IN THE HOUSE followed me. Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But whatA strained voice called out through the darkened happened then?theater,"Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Sister Logical: I started to run as fast as I Several men stood up as the lights came on. could and he started to run as fast as he could. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand Sister Mathematical: And?next to her,"Good, are any of you doctors single and Sister Logical: The only logical thinginterested in a date with a good girl?" happened. He reached me.BÁC SĨ TRONG NHÀ HÁT Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?M t gi ng nói căng th ng v ng ra xuyên qua bóng Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. It i r p hát:” Xin vui lòng cho bi t có m t bác sĩ lifted my dress up.trong nhà hát không?!” Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did theM t s àn ông ng lên trong khi èn b t sáng. man do?M t ngư i àn bà có tu i kéo ngư i con gái ng Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do.c nh bà ta:”T t, bác sĩ các anh có ai còn c thân và He pulled down his pants.thích se duyên v i m t cô gái sáng giá không?” Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happenedTWO NUNS IN AN ALLEY then? Sister Logical: Isnt it logical, Sister? A nun Two nuns went out of their convent to sell with her dress up can run much faster than a mancookies. One of them was known as Sister with his pants down........Mathematical and the other one was known as Sister HAI MA-XƠ TRÊN Ư NG ILogical. It was getting dark and they were still faraway from the convent. Hai ma-xơ r i tu vi n i bán bánh. M t Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man ngư i tên là Xơ Toán H c và ngư i kia tên là Xơhas been following us for the past half-hour? Logic. Tr i ang t i d n và h v n còn cách xa tu Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he vi n.wants. Xơ Logic: Xơ có chú ý th y m t ngư i àn Sister Logical: Its logical. He wants to rape ông ã i theo sau chúng ta trong n a gi quaus. không? Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he Xơ Toán h c: , và tôi t h i h n mu n gì.will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we Xơ Logic: Theo logic, h n mu n hi p chúngdo? ta. Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do, Xơ Toán h c: Oi, không! V i à này thì caoof course, is to walk faster. l m 15 phút n a h n s b t k p chúng ta. Chúng ta Sister Mathematical: Its not working. có th làm gì ? Sister Logical: Of course its not working. Xơ Logic: Dĩ nhiên, vi c duy nh t theo logicThe man did the only logical thing. He started to c n làm là i nhanh hơn.walk faster too. Xơ Toán h c: i u ó không hi u qu . Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At Xơ Logic: Dĩ nhiên i u ó không hi u qu .this rate he will reach us in one minute. H n cũng làm theo vi c duy nh t theo logic. H n Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can cũng b t u i nhanh hơn.do is split. You go that way and Ill go this way. He Xơ Toán h c: Th thì chúng ta s làm gì?cannot follow us both. V i à này h n s b t k p chúng ta trong m t phút. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was 18 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 19. Xơ Logic: Vi c duy nh t theo logic chúng ta will revel in childish things like fighting and kickingcó th làm là tách ôi ra. Xơ i ư ng ó và tôi s i a ball about. He wont be too smart, so hell also ư ng này. H n không th i theo hai ta. need your advise to think properly.” Do v y gã àn ông quy t nh theo xơ Logic. "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironicallyXơ Toán h c v n tu vi n và lo l ng v s vi c raised eyebrow.x y ra cho xơ Logic. Sau ó xơ Logic v , th h n "Whats the catch, Lord?"h n và m t. "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one Xơ Toán h c: Xơ Logic! T ơn Chúa xơ ã condition."v ây. Hãy k tôi nghe i u gì ã x y ra! "Whats that, Lord?" Xơ Logic: i u duy nh t theo logic ã x y "As I said, hell be proud, arrogant, and self-ra. H n không th theo hai ta, vì th h n theo tôi. admiring . . . So youll have to let him believe that I Xơ Toán h c: úng, úng! Nhưng sau ó made him first . . . So, just remember . . . its our i u gì x y ra? secret . . . Woman to woman." Xơ Logic: Tôi b t u ch y nhanh nh t mà CHÚA VÀ EVA TRÊN VƯ N A ÀNGtôi có th và h n b t u ch y nhanh nh t mà h n cóth . M t ngày kia trên vư n a àng, Eva g i Chúa … Xơ Toán h c: Sau ó? “Chúa, con có v n !” Xơ Logic: i u duy nh t theo logic ã x y “V n gì, Eva?”ra. H n b t k p tôi. “L y Chúa, con bi t ngài ã t o ra con và ã Xơ Toán h c: Ô tr i ơi! Xơ ã làm gì? t o ra khu vư n p và t t c nh ng con thú Xơ Logic: Làm i u duy nh t theo logic. Tôi tuy t di u, và con r n vui nh n kia, nhưng con th tkéo váy lên. không vui.” Xơ Toán h c: Oi, xơ! H n làm gì? “T i sao, Eva?” có ti ng nói t trên cao. Xơ Logic: Làm i u duy nh t theo logic. “Thưa Chúa, con cô ơn. Con chán ngán nh ng tráiH n tu t qu n h n xu ng. táo.” Xơ Toán h c: Oi, không! Chuy n gì x y ra “À, Eva, v y thì ta có m t cách. Ta s t o m t ngư iti p theo? àn ông cho con.” Xơ Logic: i u ó không logic sao, xơ? M t “L y Chúa, m t “ngư i àn ông” là gì?”n tu sĩ v i chi c váy kéo lên có th ch y nhanh hơn “Ngư i àn ông này s là m t t o v t không hoànm t gã àn ông v i chi c qu n tu t xu ng … thi n, có nhi u tính x u. Anh ta s nói d i, l a g t vàGOD AND EVE IN THE GARDEN hay khoe khoang; nói chung, anh ta s không làm con vui sư ng. Nhưng anh ta s v m v hơn, nhanhOne day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to hơn và s thích i săn và gi t thú v t. Anh ta trôngGod... "Lord, I have a problem!" có v g i s ng ng n, nhưng vì con ã than th , ta "Whats the problem, Eve?" s t o anh ta theo cách anh ta s làm con hài lòng v "Lord, I know youve created me and have nh ng òi h i th ch t c a con. Anh ta s khôngprovided this beautiful garden and all of these khôn ngoan và s say sưa nh ng th tr con nhưwonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic ánh nhau và á banh lung tung. Anh ta s khôngsnake, but Im just not happy." quá thông minh, vì th anh ta cũng c n l i khuyên "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from c a con suy nghĩ úng n.”above. “Tuy t quá,” Eva nói v i m t bên lông mày như n "Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of lên m a mai.apples." “Còn vi c ánh l a anh ta thì sao, thưa ngài?” "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I “ , à … con có th làm vi c ó v i i u ki n.”shall create a man for you." “ i u ki n gì, thưa ngài?” "Whats a man, Lord?" “Như ta ã nói, anh ta s kiêu hãnh, ng o m n và t "This man will be a flawed creature, with hào … Vì th con s ph i làm anh ta tin r ng ta t omany bad traits. Hell lie,cheat, and be vainglorious; ra anh ta trư c … Vì th , hãy nh … ó là bí m tall in all, hell give you a hard time. But, hell be c a chúng ta … Ph n v i nhau.”bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. THE WANTED AD RESPONDENTHe will look silly aroused, but since youve beencomplaining, Ill create him in such in a way that hewill satisfy your physical needs. Hell be witless and 19 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 20. RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO "And youre asking my permission to marrySHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE her?"FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: "No, Im asking you to make her leave me 1. WONT BEAT ME UP alone." 2. WONT RUN AWAY XIN PHÉP 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the “Thưa bác, con gái bác nói yêu cháu, và cô y khônghook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she s ng ư c n u không có cháu, và cô y mu n cư ireceived tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the cháu.”men seemed to meet her qualifications. “Và anh ang xin tôi cư i nó à?” Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She “Không, cháu ang h i bác làm sao cho côopened the door to find a man, with no arms and no y b m c cháu .”legs, lying on the mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who I TOOK WHAT I WANTare you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I One summers evening Paddy & Mick are on theiram the man of your dreams. Ive got no arms, so I way to the pub for their usual drink.cant beat you up and Ive got no legs, so I cant run "I’m a bit tired tonight," says Mick. "I thinkaway." Ill just have a little lie down in this ditch and have a The old woman asked, "What makes you little sleep. You can wake me up on your way homethink youre so great in bed?" later." To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, "Right, you are," says Paddy, and theydidnt I?" separate.L I ÁP CHO QU NG CÁO TÌM CH NG At the end of the evening, Paddy comes out of the pub and starts walking back to collect Mick QU PH GIÀU CÓ TÌM NGƯ I ÀN from his ditch. He hasnt gone far when Mick rollsÔNG CHIA S CU C I VÀ TÀI S N V I up beside him driving a big shiny Volvo.NH NG PH M CH T SAU: "Where did you get that lovely car from?!"1. KHÔNG ÁNH TÔI asks Paddy, astonished.2. KHÔNG B I "Well, Ill tell you. It was like this," says3. PH I TUY T V I TRÊN GI NG Mick. "There I was lying in the ditch having a niceTrong vài tháng, i n tho i bà ta g i liên t c, snooze and I had just turned over onto me other sidechuông c a reo liên t c, bà ta nh n hàng t n thư ... when up drives a lovely lady in her nice new Volvot tc u không có l i gì. Không có ngư i àn ông and asks me if Id like to come for a drive with her.nào có v áp ng ư c nh ng ph m ch t bà ta ưa Well, I thought, why not? Its a lovely evening for ara. drive. So in I got. She drove along for a bit and thenSau ó m t ngày kia chuông c a hãy còn reo tr l i. turned off into a field. She got out of the car, tookBà ta m c a th y m t ngư i àn ông, không tay off all her clothes and said,không chân, n m trên m t t m th m. C m th y khó "Take what you want!" So I took the Volvo.hi u, bà ta h i:”Ông là ai và ông mu n gì?”“Xin chào,” ngư i àn ông nói. “Cu c tìm ki m c a TÔI LÀM CÁI TÔI MU Nbà ã qua vì tôi là ngư i àn ông bà mơ ư c.Tôikhông có tay, vì v y tôi không th ánh bà và tôi M t bu i t i hè, Paddy và Mick trên ư ng t i quánkhông có chân nên tôi không th b i.” rư u nh u như thư ng l .Ngư i ph n l n tu i h i:” i u gì làm ông nghĩ “T i nay tôi hơi m t,” Mick nói. “Tôi nghĩ tôi sông r t tuy t v i trên giư ng?” n m ng m t tí ch ng này. B n có th ánh th c i v i câu h i ó ông ta tr l i:”Tôi ã b m tôi d y sau trên ư ng v nhà.”chuông c a, ph i không?” “ ư c, i i,” Paddy nói và h r ôi. T i hôm ó, Paddy i ra kh i quán rư u và b t uASKING PERMISSION i ngư c l i ón Mick t ch n m ng . Anh i chưa xa thì Mick thình lình xu t hi n bên c nh lái"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she cant m t chi c Volvo láng coóng.live without me, and she wants to marry me." “B n ã l y chi c xe hơi p này t âu v y!” Paddy kinh ng c h i. 20 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 21. “À, tôi s k . Nó gi ng th này,” Mick nói. “ Tôi Th m chí khi anh email, cô cũng m t nhi u ngày ang n m ó ch ng ánh m t gi c ng ng n tr l i thông i p.ngon lành và tôi m i ch tr mình sang phía kia thì Cu i cùng, cô thú nh n v i anh cô mu n h nm t quý bà d thương ánh xe Volvo p và m i hò yêu ương lung tung. Anh không xem vi c này n và h i tôi có mu n i m t vòng v i nàng không. quan tr ng và tăng cư ng i n tho i, thư t và , tôi nghĩ t i sao không. M t t i p tr i d o email, c giành l i tình yêu c a cô. B i cô tr nênm t vòng. V y là tôi lên xe. Nàng lái xe i m t ch p b c mình, và bây gi ã có b n trai m i nên côvà sau ó ngo c ra cánh ng. Nàng bư c ra kh i mu n v t b anh ra phía sau.xe, c i h t qu n áo và nói: Vì v y, i u cô làm như sau: cô ch p m t“L y cái anh mu n!” Vì th tôi l y chi c Volvo. b c nh cô ang làm tình v i b n trai m i và g i t iVENGEANCE b n trai cũ v i m t l i ghi:”Em ã tìm m t b n trai m i, hãy m c em.” A, không c n nói, chàng traiTwo high school sweethearts who went out together này tan nát cõi lòng, th m chí còn hơn th , tr nênfor four years in high school were both virgins; they say sưa. Vi th i u ti p theo anh làm là r t kinhenjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th kh ng.grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go Anh ta vi t trên m t sau c a t m nh dòngto the same college but the girl was accepted to a ch sau:”Ba má yêu quý, con s ng r t vui v trongcollege on the east coast, and the guy went to the trư ng cao ng, xin g i thêm ti n cho con!” và g iwest coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other b c hình t i ba má cô gái.and spend anytime they could together. RAVISHING GIRL AND 3 MEN As time went on, the guy would call the girland she would never be home, and when he wrote, In a train compartment, there are 3 men andshe would take weeks to return the letters. Even a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join inwhen he emailed her, she took days to return his conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.messages. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to you will give me $1, I will show you my legs."date around. He didnt take this very well and The men, charmed by this young girl, all pullincreased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win a buck out of their wallet, and then the girl pulls upback her love. Because she became annoyed, and her dress a bit to show her legs.now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off Then she says, "If each of you gentlemenher back. will give me $10, Ill show you my So, what she did is this: she took a picture of thighs."her having sex with her new boyfriends and sent it Men being what they are, they all pull out a tento her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way tonew boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to her undies.say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, Conversation continues, and the men, a bitwas pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the He wrote on the back of the photo the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I willfollowing, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."at college, please send more money!" and mailed the Naturally, all three fork over the money. Then thepicture to her parents. girl turns to theBÁO THÙ window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!" M t ôi tình nhân h c sinh trung h c cùng CÔ GÁI C C KỲ H P D N VÀ 3 NGƯ Ih c b n năm u còn tân; h bi t mùi s ánh m t ÀN ÔNGtrinh ti t v i nhau l p 10. Khi h t t nghi p, hmu n c hai vào cùng trư ng cao ng nhưng cô gái Trong m t ngăn xe l a, có 3 ngư i àn ông ư c vào m t trư ng cao ng b ông (nư c M ) và m t cô gái tr c c ký h p d n. C b n ngư i cùngvà chàng trai i n b tây. H ng ý chung th y hòa vào m t cu c nói chuy n mà ch ng bao lâu sauv i nhau và s cùng nhau m i khi h có th . ó chuy n sang chuy n g i tình. Th i gian trôi qua, chàng trai thư ng g i cô Sau ó, cô gái tr ngh :”N u m i ngư igái và cô không bao gi có m t nhà, và khi anh trong s các anh ưa em 1 ô la thì em s cho cácvi t thư, cô thư ng m t hàng tu n tr l i thư. anh th y chân em.” 21 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 22. Ba ngư i àn ông, b mê ho c b i cô gái tr Reluctantly, the son follows his father to thenày, t t c lôi m t ô la ra kh i túi h , và sau ó cô local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the fathergái kéo váy lên m t ít cho th y c p chân nàng. sees some old friends and tells them he is dying Sau ó nàng nói:”N u m i trong s quý ông from AIDS.các anh ưa em 10 ô la, em s cho các anh th y ùi Shocked, the son turns to his father and says,em.” "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is àn ông là àn ông, c 3 ngư i u lôi ra t cancer, why did you lie to those men?"10 ô la. Cô gái kéo h t váy cho n lót. The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are Cu c nói chuy n ti p t c, và ba ngư i àn right; but I dont want those guys shagging yourông, có ph n b kích thích, t t c u c i áo ngoài. mom when Im gone."Sau ó cô gái tr nói:”N u các anh ưa em 100 ô la TÔI S CH T VÌ AIDSthì em s cho các anh th y nơi em b m ru t th a.”M t cách t nhiên, c ba ngư i u ưa ti n. Sau ó M t ngư i con trai và cha i khám bác sĩ vìcô gái quay qua c a s và ch m t b nh vi n xa và ông cha ang b b nh n ng. Bác sĩ nói v i ngư i chanói:” ó!” và ngư i con trai r ng ngư i cha ang s ch t vì ungINDECENT PROPOSAL thư. Ngư i cha, là m t ngư i Ai len, quay quaA man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, a con trai và nói:”Con, ngay c trong ngày u ám"Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you này thì truy n th ng c a chúng ta là nh u chúc s cdidnt know for one million dollars?" kh e khi chúng ta ch t, vì th hãy i t i quán nh u She thinks about the proposition for a và ăn ti c cho s qua i c a ba.”minute, and then replies,"Yes, I would sleep with a M t cách mi n cư ng, ngư i con trai i theoman I dont know for a million dollars." ngư i cha t i m t quán nh u trong vùng. ó, h The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me thư ng th c rư u bia, ngư i cha g p m t s b n cũfor fifty cents?" và nói v i h ông s ch t vì AIDS. Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!! B s c, ngư i con trai quay qua ngư i cha vàHow could you ask me such a thing?" nói:”Thưa ba, ba không ch t vì AIDS, mà vì ung The man states, "Well, weve already thư, t i sao ba nói láo nh ng ngư i này?”established the fact that youre a whore. Now Im Ngư i cha áo:”A, con ta, con úng, nhưngjust haggling over the price." ba không mu n nh ng gã này quan h tình d c v iL I NGH KHI M NHà má con khi ba ra i.” THE PROPOSALM t ngư i àn ông i t i m t ph n trong m t barvà nói:”Xin l i, cô có ng v i m t ngư i àn ông cô One evening, a young woman came home from akhông quen l y m t tri u ô la không?” date, rather sad. She told her mother, "AnthonyCô ta suy nghĩ v l i ngh trong m t phút, sau ó proposed to me an hour ago."tr l i:” , tôi s ng v i m t ngư i àn ông tôi "Then why are you so sad?" her motherkhông quen l y m t tri u ô la.” asked.Sau ó ngư i àn ông h i:”V y cô có ng v i tôi "Because he also told me he is an atheist.l y năm mươi xu không?” Mom, he doesnt even believe theres a Hell."B xúc ph m, ngư i àn bà tr l i:”Dĩ nhiên không! Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway.Làm th nào ông có th h i tôi m t vi c như v y?” Between the two of us, well show him just howNgư i àn ông nói:”À, chúng ta ã t o ư c s ki n wrong he is."là cô là m t con ĩ. Bây gi tôi ch tr giá mà thôi.” L I C U HÔNI’M DYING FROM AIDS M t bu i t i, m t cô gái v nhà tr , hơi bu n. Cô ta A son and father went to see a doctor since nói v i má:”Anthony c u hôn con m t ti ng trư cthe father was getting very ill. The doctor told the ây.”father and son that the father was dying from cancer. “V y sao con bu n?” má cô ta h i. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to “Vì anh y nói v i con anh y là m t ngư i vô th n.his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it’s Má à, anh y th m chí không tin có a ng c.”our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, solets go to the pub and celebrate my demise." 22 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 23. Má cô ta tr l i:”Dù sao cũng cư i anh ta i. Gi a house for my daughter to live in, as sheshai má con ta, chúng ta s cho anh ta th y anh ta sai accustomed to?"l m như th nào.” "I will study," the young man replies, "andGIA ÌNH God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautifulINHERITANCE engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.Two friends meet on a Miami street. One looked "I will concentrate on my studies," the youngforlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. The other man replies, "God will provide for us."man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole "And children?" asks the father. "How will youworld caved in?" support children?" The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three "Dont worry, sir, God will provide," repliesweeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand the fiance.dollars." The conversation proceeds like this, and "Thats not bad." each time the father questions, the young idealist "Hold on, Im just getting started. Two weeks insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks,ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket , and "How did it go, Honey?"left me eighty-five thousand dollars." The father answers, "He has no job and no "Sounds like you should be grateful." plans, but he thinks Im God." "Last week my great aunt passed away. I ANH TA KHÔNG CÓ K HO CH NÀO Cinherited almost aquarter of a million." M t ph n tr d n ngư i ch ng tương lai v "Then how come you look so glum?" nhà g p cha m .Sau b a ăn, bà m nói v i ngư i cha "This week . . . nothing!" tìm hi u ngư i thanh niên. Ngư i cha m i con rTH A K tương lai u ng rư u. “V y k ho ch tương lai c a con là gì?”Hai ngư i b n g p nhau trên ư ng ph Miami. M t ngư i cha h i ngư i thanh niên.ngư i trông au kh , và g n như khóc. Ngư i àn “Con là nhà nghiên c u năm cu n sách uông kia nói:” Này, làm th nào mà trông b n như c a Kinh Thánh,” anh ta tr l i.trong th gi i này s p v y?” “Nhà nghiên c u năm cu n sách u c aNgư i b n bu n bã nói:” tôi k cho b n nghe.Ba Kinh Thánh. H mmm,” ngư i cha nói. “ áng ph c,tu n trư c ây, m t ông bác ch t và l i cho tôi nhưng anh s làm gì t o cho con gái tôi m t ngôib n mươi ngàn ô la.” nhà xinh như nó ã quen r i?”“ i u ó không t .” “Con s nghiên c u,” ngư i thanh niên tr“Nghe ti p này, tôi ch m i b t u. Hai tu n trư c, l i, “và Chúa s t o cho chúng con.”m t ngư i anh h tôi chưa bao gi bi t n ch t “Và anh s làm th nào mua cho nó m tngo o, và l i cho tôi tám mươi lăm ngàn.” chi c nh n ính hôn p như nó áng ư c như“Coi b b n nên bi t ơn anh y.” th ?” ngư i cha h i.“Tu n qua bà tr tôi “ra i”. Tôi th a k g n như “Con s t p trung vào các nghiên c u c am t ph n tư tri u.” con,” ngư i thanh niên áp,” Chúa s cho chúng“V y thì làm sao trông b n r u rĩ quá v y?” con.”“Tu n này … ch ng có gì h t!” “Và con cái?” ngư i cha h i.” Anh s làmHE HAS NO PLANS th nào nuôi con?” “ ng lo, thưa bác, Chúa s nuôi,” ôngA young woman brings home her fiance to meet her ch ng tương lai áp.parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to Câu chuy n c ti p t c như v y, và c m ifind out about the young man. The father invites the l n ngư i cha t câu h i thì nhà duy tâm tr l i qufiancee for a drink. quy t Chúa s ban cho. M t lát sau ngư i m "So what are your plans?" the father asks the h i:”Chuy n ra sao r i, anh yêu?”young man. Ngư i cha tr l i:”Anh ta không có k ho ch "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. nào c , nhưng anh ta nghĩ anh là Chúa.” "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. MY THREE CHEAP SONS"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice 23 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 24. The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were "Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "Youcelebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their have the good sense to know what your motherthree grown sons joined them for dinner. The old likes. The chicken was absolutely delicious..."man was rather irritated when he discovered none of NH NG MÓN QUÀthe boys had bothered to bring a gift,and after the meal, he drew them aside. Ba ngư i con trai r i gia ình, m i ngư i "Youre all grown men," he said, "and old m i ư ng và u phát tài. Lúc cùng nhau tr v , henough to hear this. Your mother and I have never bàn b c v nh ng món quà h có th t ng cho ngư ibeen legally married." m già. Ngư i u tiên nói:”Anh s xây m t căn nhà "What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you l n cho m chúng ta.”mean to say were all bastards?" Ngư i th hai nói:”Em s g i cho m m t "Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, chi c Mercedes cùng v i tài x .”too!" Ngư i th ba cư i và nói:”Ha, em s hơnBA A CON TRAI R TI N C A TÔI h n hai anh. Hãy nh m thích c Kinh Thánh như th nào? Và hai anh bi t r ng m nhìn không t t? A,M t ông già thư ng lưu giàu có và v làm l k em s g i m m t con v t áng kinh ng c có th cni m 35 năm ngày cư i và ba ngư i con trai l n c a thu c lòng c b Kinh Thánh.M t 14 năm m yh cũng d b a ăn t i. Ông già hơi t c gi n khi b c huynh trư ng ch c s c nhà th d y nó. M chkhám phá ra không ai trong nh ng ngư i con trai ã ph i g i tên chương sách và ti t ra và con v t s cquan tâm n m t món quà và sau b a ti c, ông kéo lên.”ba ngư i ng bên c nh. Ch ng bao lâu sau ó, bà m g i nh ng lá“T i mày t t c u là nh ng ngư i àn ông trư ng thư c m ơn:thành,” ông nói, và ã l n nghe i u này. M “Adam,” bà vi t cho m t a con, “Căn nhàt i mày và tao chưa bao gi cư i nhau chính th c.” con xây quá to. M ch s ng trong m t phòng nhưng“Cái gì?” m t trong nh ng a con há h c mi ng m ph i lau c căn nhà.”kinh ng c. “Ý ba mu n nói t i con t t c u là con “Jon,” bà vi t cho a th hai, “M quá giàhoang?” i ây ó và nhà ph n l n th i gian, vì v y m“ úng,” ông già ng t l i, “ và còn là nh ng a r hi m khi dùng chi c Mercedes. Và tài x thì quá h nti n n a!” láo!”THE GIFTS ... “Gerald yêu quý nh t c a m ,” bà vi t cho a con th ba, “Con có lương th c t t bi t m thíchThree sons left home, went out on their own and gì. Con chim tuy t ngon ...”prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts BANTER BITthey were able to give their elderly mother. The firstsaid, "I built a big house for our mother." The young wife was in tears when she opened the The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with door for her husband. "Ive been insulted," shea driver." sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat. "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is aRemember how mother loved to read the Bible? hundred miles away."And you know that she cant see very well? Well, I "I know, but a letter came for you thissent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire morning and I opened it."Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. He looked stern, "I see, but where does theMom just has to name the chapter and verse and the insult come in?"parrot will recite it." "In the postscript," she answered. "It said:Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: Dear Alice, dont forget to give this letter to"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is George."so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean M T TÍ GI U C Tthe whole house.""Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel Ngư i v tr y nư c m t khi cô m c aand stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the cho ch ng.”Em v a b xúc ph m,” cô n c n . “MáMercedes. And the driver is so rude!" anh xúc ph m em.” “Má anh!” ch ng kêu lên. “Nhưng bà xa hàng trăm d m.” 24 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 25. “Em bi t, nhưng m t lá thư cho anh n sáng Không th d ám tang sau khi ba ch t, m tnay và em m nó.” ngư i con trai s ng xa nhà g i i n cho anh trai và Ngư i ch ng trông có v c ng r n:”Anh nói:”Làm cái gì hay cho ba i và g i em cái hóabi t, nhưng l i xúc ph m t âu n?” ơn.” “Trong ph n tái bút,” cô tr l i. Nó ư c Sau ó, anh ta nh n m t cái hóa ơn 200 ôvi t:” Alice yêu quý, ng quên ưa lá thư này cho la, anh ta tr . Tháng sau, anh ta nh n m t cái hóaGeorge.” ơn khác 200 ô la, anh ta cũng tr , tính như m tMA, GUESS WHO I’M GOING TO MARRY món chi tiêu ph . Nh ng cái hóa ơn 200 ô la v n ti p t c t iA young man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in m i tháng, và cu i cùng ngư i àn ông g i i n anhlove and is going to get married. He says, "Just for trai m t l n n a tìm ra chuy n gì ang x y ra.fun, Ma, Im going to bring over three women and “À,” ngư i anh kia tr l i, “em nói làm cái gìyou try and guess which one Im going to marry." ó hay cho ba. Vì v y anh thuê cho ba m t cái áoThe mother agrees. xm ckinh. The next day he brings three beautiful TR EMwomen into the house and sits them down on thecouch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Ok, GOD IS WATCHINGMa. Guess which one Im going to marry." Sheimmediately replies, "the red-head in the middle." The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a He was surprised that his mother was able to Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the tableguess the correct woman, "How do you know?!" was a large pile of apples. The nun had made a note,The mother replies, "I dont like her!" "Take only one, God is watching."MÁ, OÁN XEM CON S CƯ I AI Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.M t thanh niên háo h c nói v i má anh ta anh ta ã One of the boys had written a note, "Take all youyêu và s cư i v . Anh ta nói:” làm vui, má, con want, God is watching the apples."s em v nhà 3 ngư i àn bà và má hãy c oán CHÚA ANG THEO DÕIcon s cư i ai.” Ngư i má ng ý.Ngày hôm sau anh ta em v ba ph n p vô nhà B n tr ư c x p hàng m t quán ăn tvà m i h ng i vào trư ng k và h tán g u m t ph c v c a m t trư ng o Thiên Chúa ăn trưa.lúc.Sau ó anh ta nói:” ư c r i, má. oán th con phía u c a cái bàn là m t ng táo l n.Bà xơ ãs cư i ai.” Bà ta tr l i ngay l p t c:”Cô tóc hoe vi t m t dòng ghi chú, “ L y ch m t thôi, Chúa gi a.” ang theo dõi.”Anh ta ng c nhiên r ng má anh ta có th oán úng i n cu i hàng, t i u hàng bên kia làngư i ph n :”Làm sao má bi t?!” Bà má áp:”Má m t ng l n bánh quy sôcôla.M t a tr ã vi tkhông thích cô ta!” m t dòng chú, “ L y t t c nh ng gì b n mu n,GOING OUT IN STYLE ... Chúa ang theo dõi nh ng trái táo.” TWO KIDS …Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, ason who lived far away called his brother and toldhim, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the Two little kids are in a hospital, lying next to eachbill." other, outside the operating room. The first kid leansLater, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The over and asks, “What are you in here for?” Thenext month, he got another bill for $200.00, which second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils outhe also paid, figuring it was some incidental and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, “You’veexpense. got nothing to worry about. I had that done when IBills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wakefinally the man called his brother again to find out up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s awhat was going on. breeze.” The second kid then asks, “What are you"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.” Andsomething nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo." the second kid says, “Whoa, I had that done when IRA I H P M T ... was born, couldn’t walk for a year.” HAI A TR … 25 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 26. Hai a nh ang trong b nh vi n, n m sát nhau Nghe nói có m t m c sư g n ó làm vi c v i nh ngbên ngoài phòng ph u thu t. a tr u tiên a tr ph m pháp , ngư i m ngh v i ông changhiêng ngư i và h i:”T i sao c u vào ây?” a r ng h m i ông m c sư nói chuy n v i hai th ngtr th hai nói:” T n m ây l y ami an ra và t bé. Ngư i cha ng ý.hơi s .” a tr th nh t nói:”C u không vi c gì lo Ngư i m i t i ông m c sư và ưa ra l i th nh c u.l ng c .T ã ư c ngư i ta m khi t b n tu i.H Ông ng ý, nhưng nói ông mu n g p m t mình alàm c u ng , và khi c u th c d y h cho c u nhi u nh hơn trư c. Vì th ngư i m g i nó t i ông m cm t cô c và kem. D thôi.” Sau ó a tr th hai sư. Ông m c sư cho th ng bé ng i xu ng vào phíah i:”T i sao c u vào ây?” a th nh t nói:” C t bên kia c a chi c bàn làm vi c n tư ng, s c abao quy u.” Và a thú hai nói:” Ô, t ư c ngư i ông.Trong kho ng năm phút ông và nó ch nhìnta c t khi t sinh ra, không th i trong m t năm.” nhau ch m ch m.TROUBLE MAKERS … Cu i cùng, ông m c sư tr ngón tr vào th ng bé và h i:” Chúa âu?”In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two Th ng bé nhìn xu ng bàn, nhìn trong các góc phòng,brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly t t c xung quanh, nhưng không nói gì c .mischievous. Whenever something went wrong in M t l n n a, l n gi ng hơn, ông m c sư ch vào athe neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. nh và h i:” Chúa âu?”Their parents were at their wits end trying to control M t l n n a th ng bé nhìn h t xung quanh nhưngthem. Hearing about a minister nearby who worked không nói gì c .with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the L n th ba, v i gi ng l n hơn, m nh m hơn, ôngfather that they ask the minister to talk with the m c sư rư n ngư i qua bàn và t ngón tr g n nhưboys. The father agreed. ng mũi th ng bé, và h i:”Chúa âu?”The mother went to the minister and made her Th ng bé ho ng s và ch y h t s c v nhà. Tìm rarequest. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the th ng anh, nó kéo anh nó lên l u vào phòng c ayounger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him chúng và vào phòng nh , nơi chúng thư ng bànto the minister. The minister sat the boy down on the nh ng chuy n tai quái c a chúng.Cu i cùng nóother side of his huge, impressive desk. For about nói:”Hi n gi chúng ta g p nguy TO-O-O-O r i!”five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Th ng anh h i:”Em nói gì, nguy TO-O-O-O?”Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy Em nó tr l i:”Chúa ang m t tích và ngư i ta nghĩand asked, "Where is God?" chúng ta làm v y.”The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the WHO IS THE MOST OBEDIENT?room, all around, but said nothing.Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.asked, "Where is God?" He called his kids together to ask which one shouldAgain the boy looked all around but said nothing. have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" heA third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who doesleaned far across the desk and put his forefinger everything she says?"almost to the boys nose, and asked "Where is God?" Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad,The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding you get the toy."his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their AI VÂNG L I NH T?room and into the closet, where they usually plottedtheir mischief. He finally said, "We are in B-I-I-I-I- Ngư i cha c a năm a tr giành ư c m tG trouble now!" món chơi trong m t cu c s s . Ông ta g i nh ngThe older boy asked, "What do you mean, B-I-I-I-I- a tr l i h i a nào nên nh n món quà. “Ai làG trouble?" ngư i vâng l i nh t?” ông ta h i. “Ai không bao giHis brother replied, "God is missing and they think tr treo v i m ? Ai làm m i th m nói?”we did it." Năm gi ng nói non n t c t lên ng thanh:”HAI TÊN QU Y PHÁ … úng r i, ba, ba nh n chơi i.” HE HAD SWALLOWED A PENNY m t xóm ngo i ô, có hai anh em, 8 và 10 tu iqu y phá quá tay. Khi có chuy n qu y trong xóm thì After tucking their three-year-old childhóa ra là có bàn tay b n chúng.Cha m chúng vô Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heardphương k trong vi c c g ng ki m soát chúng. sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, 26 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 27. they found him crying hysterically. He managed to Danny, age 7tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was "Love is when you kiss all the time. Thensure he was going to die. No amount of talking when you get tired of kissing, you still want to behelped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddypalmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to are like that. They look gross when they kiss. "pull it from Sammys ear. Sammy was delighted. Emily, age 8 In a flash, he snatched it from his fathers "Love is whats in the room with you athand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."it again, Dad!" Bobby, age 5CHÚ BÉ Ã NU T M T PENNY "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Vào m t bu i t i, sau khi t a tr ba tu i Nikka, age 6Sammy vào giư ng, cha m a bé nghe ti ng th n “When you tell someone something bad aboutth c v ng ra t phòng nó. Ch y ngư c tr l i, h yourself and youre scared they wont love youth y nó ang khóc d d i. Nó c nói cho cha m bi t anymore. But then you get surprised because notr ng nó ã nu t m t ng xu penny và nó ch c r ng only do they still love you, they love you evennó s ch t. Không th nói chuy n giúp ư c gì. Ba more."nó, trong lúc c g ng d nó, chìa ra m t penny t túi Matthew, age 7qu n và gi v lôi nó ra t tai Sammy.Sammy vui "There are two kinds of love. Our love. Godsm ng. love. But God makes both kinds of them." Nhanh như ch p, nó ch p l y ng xu t tay Jenny, age 8ba nó, nu t i, sau ó h n h òi:”Làm n a i, ba!” "Love is when you tell a guy you like hisCHILDREN WORDS shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle, age 7 A group of professional people posed this "Love is like a little old woman and a little oldquestion to a group of 4-to-8-year-olds: "What does man who are still friends even after they know eachlove mean?" other so well." The answers they got were broader and Tommy, age 6deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what "During my piano recital, I was on a stage andyou think. scared. I looked at all the people watching me and "When my grandmother got arthritis, she saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the onlycouldnt bend over and paint her toenails anymore. one doing that. I wasnt scared anymore."So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even Cindy, age 8when his hands got arthritis too. Thats love." "My mommy loves me more than anybody.Rebecca, age 8 You dont see anyone else kissing me to sleep at "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a night."boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and Clare, age 5smell each other." "Love is when mommy gives daddy the bestKarl, age 5 piece of chicken." "Love is when you go out to eat and give Elaine, age 5somebody most of your French fries without making "Love is when mommy sees daddy smellythem give you any of theirs." and sweaty and still says he is handsomer thanChrissy, age 6 Robert Redford." "Love is when someone hurts you. And you Chris, age 8get so mad but you dont yell at them because you "Love is when your puppy licks your faceknow it would hurt their feelings." even after you left him alone all day."Samantha, age 7 Mary Ann, age 4 "Love is what makes you smile when youre "I know my older sister loves me because shetired." gives me all her old clothes and has to go out andTerri, age 4 buy new ones." "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for Lauren, age 5my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him,to make sure the taste is OK. " 27 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 28. “I let my big sister pick on me because my ba cháu thì gi ng như v y. Ba v i má cháu trông thôMom says she only picks on me because she loves thô khi hôn nhau.”me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Emily, 8 tu iBethany, age 4 “Tình yêu là cái trong căn phòng v i b n "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go lúc Nô-en n u b n ng ng m quà t ng và l ngup and down and little stars come out of you." nghe.”Karen, age 7 Bobby, 5 tu i "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the “N u b n mu n h c yêu t t hơn, b n nêntoilet and she doesnt think its gross." b t u v i m t ngư i b n mà b n ghét.”Mark, age 8 Nikka, 6 tu i "You really shouldnt say I love you unless “Khi b n k ngư i ta nghe cái gì ó x u vyou mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a b n và b n s h s không yêu b n n a. Nhưng saulot. People forget." ó b n tr nên ng c nhiên không ch b i vì h cònJessica, age 8 yêu b n mà h còn yêu b n hơn.” "God could have said magic words to make the Matthew, 7 tu inails fall off the cross, but He didnt. Thats love." “Có hai th tình yêu. Tình yêu c a chúng ta.Max, age 5 Tình yêu c a Chúa. Nhưng Chúa t o ra c hai thNGÔN T TR EM tình yêu.” Jenny, 8 tu i M t nhóm ngư i chuyên nghi p t câu h i “Yêu là khi b n nói v i m t anh chàng b nnày:” Tình yêu nghĩa là gì?” cho m t nhóm tr em 4 thích áo sơ mi c a anh ta, sau ó anh ta m c nó h ng– 8 tu i. ngày.” Nh ng câu tr l i thu ư c thì sâu và r ng Noelle, 7 tu ihơn b t c ngư i nào có th tư ng tư ng. Hãy xem “Yêu gi ng như m t bà lão nh và m t ôngnh ng gì b n nghĩ. lão nh v n làm b n v i nhau ngay c sau khi h “Khi bà c a cháu b viêm kh p, bà không th bi t nhau quá rõ.”cúi ngư i và sơn móng chân ư c n a. Vì th ông Tommy, 6 tu icháu lúc nào cũng sơn móng chân cho bà, ngay c “Trong cu c bi u di n c t u piano c akhi hai bàn tay ông b viêm kh p. ó là tình yêu.” cháu, cháu trên sân kh u và ang s hãi. CháuRebecca, 8 tu i. nhìn t t c m i ngư i ang xem cháu và th y ba “Yêu là khi con gái x c nư c hoa và con trai cháu ang v y tay và m m cư i. Ba cháu là ngư ix c nư c c o râu côlônhơ và h i chơi và ng i l n duy nh t làm i u ó. Cháu không còn s n a.”nhau.” Cindy, 8 tu iKarl, 5 tu i “Má cháu yêu cháu hơn b t c ai. Các cô chú “Yêu là khi b n i ăn ngoài và cho ai ó s không th y b t c ngư i nào hôn cháu i ngph n l n khoai tây chiên c a b n mà không làm vào bu i t i.”ngư i ta ưa b n b t c cái gì c a h .” Clare, 5 tu iChrissy, 6 tu i “Yêu là khi má ưa cho ba mi ng th t gà “Yêu là khi ai ó làm b n au n. Và b n ngon nh t.”phát khùng d s nhưng b n không la hét h vì b n Elaine, 5 tu ibi t i u ó s làm t n thương t ái c a h .” “Yêu là khi má th y ba n ng mùi và y mSamantha, 7 tu i hôi nhưng v n nói ba p trai hơn Robert Redford.” “Tình yêu là cái làm b n m m cư i khi b n Chris, 8 tu im t.” “Tình yêu là khi con cún c a b n li m m tTerri, 4 tu i b n ngay c sau khi b n ã nó nhà m t mình c “Tình yêu là khi má cháu pha cà phê cho ba ngày.”cháu và má u ng m t ng m trư c khi ưa cho ba Mary Ann, 4 tu ib o m r ng v cà phê thì ư c r i.” “Cháu bi t ch cháu yêu cháu vì ch cho cháuDanny, 7 tu i t t c qu n áo cũ c a ch và ph i i mua bên ngoài “Yêu là khi lúc nào b n cũng hôn. Sau ó nh ng món m i.”b n m t m i vì hôn, nhưng b n v n mu n bên Lauren, 5 tu ic nh nhau và b n nói chuy n nhi u n a. Má cháu và 28 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 29. “Cháu cho ch l n cháu r y la cháu vì má “Không ư c. Tôi i và tiêu h t r i.”cháu nói ch cháu ch r y la cháu vì ch yêu cháu. Vì “ ư c r i, v y thì t ng kh con l a qua choth cháu r y a em nh c a cháu vì cháu yêu nó.” cháu.”Berthany, 4 tu i “Cháu s làm gì v i con l a?” “Khi b n yêu ai ó, lông mi c a b n gi t lên “Cháu s m m t gi i thư ng x s .”gi t xu ng và nh ng ngôi sao nh bay ra kh i ngư i “Cháu không th m gi i thư ng b ng m tb n.” con c u ch t!”Karen, 7 tu i “Ch c ch n cháu làm ư c. Ch xem. Cháu “Yêu là khi má th y ba trong toa-lét và má s không nói cho ai bi t nó là con l a ch t.”không nghĩ như v y là g m.” M t tháng sau ngư i nông dân g p a bé vàMark, 8 tu i h i:”Này John, cái gì x y n v i con l a ch t?” “B n th c s không nên nói “Em yêu anh” “Cháu ã m m t gi i thư ng x s . Cháutr phi b n mu n nói i u ó. Nhưng n u b n mu n bán năm trăm vé giá 2 ô la m i vé và l i 898 ônói i u ó, b n nên nói nhi u v nó. Ngư i ta s la.”quên.” “Có ai thưa ki n gì không?”Jessica, 8 tu i “Ch có ngư i th ng. Vì th cháu tr l i anh “Chúa có th nói nh ng l i nhi m màu ta 2 ô la.”làm nh ng cây inh rơi kh i thánh giá, nhưng Ngài LITTLE JOHNNYkhông nói. ó là tình yêu.”Max, 5 tu i Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. HeTHE CITY BOY AND A DONKEY invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters theA City boy, John, moved to the desert and bought a kitchen She says, "Put that away Johnny. You cantdonkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer have ice cream now. Its too close to supper time. Goagreed to deliver the mule the next day. outside and play." The next day, the farmer drove up and said, Johnny whimpers and says, "Theres no one"Sorry, but I have some bad to play with."news, the donkey died." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. Ill play "Well, then, just give me my money back." with you. What do you want to play?" "Cant do that. I went and spent it already." He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." "OK, then, just unload the donkey." Trying not to register surprise, and to further "What ya gonna do with him?" appease him, she says, "Fine, Ill play. What do I "Im going to raffle him off." do?" "You cant raffle off a dead donkey!" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and "Sure I can. Watch me. I just wont tell lie down."anybody hes dead." Figuring that she can easily control the A month later the farmer met up with the city situation...Mom goes upstairs.boy and asked, "Hey John, what happened with that Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers downdead donkey?" the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his "I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs heat two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00" notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end "Didnt anyone complain?" table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to thedollars back." bedroom doorway.TH NG BÉ THÀNH TH VÀ CON L A His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" M t th ng bé thành th , John, chuy n t i sa In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your assm c và mua m t con l a t m t ông lão nông dân downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"giá 100 ô la. Ông lão nông dân ng ý giao con l a CHÚ BÉ JOHNNYngày hôm sau. Hôm sau, ngư i nông dân ch y t i và Chú bé Johnny 10 tu i ch y h c t c t trư ng vnói:”Xin l i, nhưng tôi có tin bu n, con l a ã ch t.” nhà. Chú chi m ngay cái t l nh và ang v c kem “Th à, v y thì ưa ti n l i cho cháu.” anh ào vani lên … thì má chú i vào nhà b p. Bà 29 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 30. nói:” t cái ó i ch khác, Johnny. Con không th CHUY N NHÀ V I CHÚA GIÊXUăn kem bây gi . Quá g n gi ăn t i r i. i ra ngoàivà chơi i.” M t gia ình g n ây chuy n t i New Jersey.Johnny thút thít và nói:”Không có ai chơi v i con.” êm u tiên trong khi ngư i m ang t a conC d chú, bà m nói:” ư c r i, má s chơi v i con. trai hai tu i rư i lên giư ng, ch nói:”Hãy cCon mu n chơi gì?” nh ng bài kinh c u Chúa.”Chú nói:”Con mu n chơi trò Ba và Má. a nh h i:”Ông ta cũng chuy n nhà v i chúng taC không l v ng c nhiên, và d chú thêm, bà à?”nói:”T t, má s chơi. Má THE BIBLEs làm gì?” Johnny nói:”Má s i lên bu ng ng và n m A father was approached by his small son,xu ng.” who told him proudly."I know what the word Bible Nghĩ r ng bà có th i u khi n tình hình d means!"dàng … Bà i lên l u. His father smiled and replied..... "What do Johnny, c m th y hơi t mãn, vênh m t i you mean, you know what the word Bible means?"xu ng phòng ngoài và m c a phòng ph c v . Chú The son replied, "I mean I figured out whatm c cái mũ câu cá cũ c a ba. Trong lúc chú b t u the word stands for!"lên gác, chú chú ý th y m t m u thu c lá trong cái "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, whatg t tàn thu c cu i bàn. Chú nh t lên và ng m m t does the word Bible stand for?"bên mép. Lên n l u, chú i t i c a. "Thats easy, Daddy..." said the boy, "It Má chú ng d y và nói:”Má làm gì bây stands for Basic Information Before Leavinggi ?” Earth." V i ki u cách thô l , chú nói:” con l a i KINH THÁNHxu ng l u và l y kem cho th ng bé!”TOILET BRUSH M t chú bé i n g n ông b , nói m t cách t hào:”Con bi t nghĩa c a t “Kinh Thánh”!” My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of Ong b m m cư i và tr l i … “Con mu nthe bathroom to tell me hed dropped his toothbrush nói gì, con bi t nghĩa c a t Kinh Thánh (Bible) ?”in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the Chú bé tr l i:”Con mu n nói là con ã lu ngarbage. ra t ó vi t t t cho cái gì!” Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, “ ư c r i,” ông b nói. “V y thì con trai nóithen ran to my bathroom and came out with my i t “Bible” là vi t t t c a cái gì?”toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming “D thôi b … “ a bé nói. Nó là t vi t t tlittle smile, "We’d better throw this one out too then, c a “Thông tin cơ b n trư c khi r i kh i Trái tcause it fell in the toilet a few days ago." (Basic Information Before Leaving Earth).”BÀN CH I C U TIÊU SWEARING Con trai tôi Zachary, 4 tu i, ã kêu th t A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.thanh t nhà v sinh cho tôi bi t nó ã làm r t "Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldnt use that kind ofbàn ch i ánh răng vào toa lét. Vì th tôi l y nó ra language. Where did you hear it?"và quăng vào gi rác. "My daddy said it." he responded. Zachary ng ó suy nghĩ m t lúc, sau ó "Well, it doesnt matter," explained thech y vào toa lét c a tôi và i ra v i bàn ch i ánh teacher, "you dont know even what it means."răng c a tôi. Nó giơ lên và hơi cư i thú v "I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected. "It means thenói:”Chúng ta cũng nên ném cái này i n a vì nó rơi car wont start."vào toa lét vài hôm trư c.” CH I THMOVING WITH JESUS M t chú bé b cô giáo b t g p ch i th . “Jeffrey,” cô A family recently moved to New Jersey. The nói, “em không nên dùng lo i ngôn t ó. Em nghefirst night as the mother was putting her son, 2 1/2, nó âu?”to bed, she said, "Lets say our prayers to Jesus." “Ba em nói v y.” chú tr l i. The little boy asked, "Did he move with us “À, không sao,” cô giáo nói, “em th m chí khôngtoo?" bi t nó có nghĩa gì.” 30 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 31. “Em bi t mà!” Jeffrey s a l i. “Nó có nghĩa là chi c (As answered by elementary school students)xe không kh i ng.” How Do You Decide Who To Marry?THE INCREDIBLY FINE ARCHER You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it.A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms - Alan, age 10and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery No person really decides before they growtargets are painted all over it, and smack in the up who theyre going to marry. God decides it allmiddle of each is an arrow. way before, and you get to find out later who youre "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the stuck with.duke. "I must find him." - Kirsten, age 10 After continuing through the forest for a few What is the Right Age To Get Married?miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow Twenty-three is the best age because youand arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he know the person FOREVER by then.who - Camille, age 10shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. No age is good to get married at. You got to "You didnt just walk up to the targets and be a fool to get married.hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks - Freddie, age 6the duke worriedly. What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad "No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I Have In Common?swear it by all that I hold holy." Both dont want any more kids. "That is truly astonishing," says the duke. "I - Lori, age 8hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask What Do Most People Do On A Date?one favor in return. You must tell me how you came Dates are for having fun, and people shouldto be such an outstanding shot." use them to get to know each other. Even boys have "Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at something to say if you listen long enough.the tree, and then I paint the target around it." - Lynnette, age 8TAY CUNG ÁNG KINH NG C On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interestedM t công tư c ang i săn trong r ng v i nh ng enough to go for a second date.ngư i lính vũ trang và b y tôi thì ông ta n bên m t - Martin, age 10cây r ng. Bia b n cung ư c sơn lên kh p thân cây, What Would You Do On A First Date Thatvà c m úng vào gi a m i cái là m t mũi tên. Was Turning Sour?“Ai là cung th áng kinh ng c này?” công tư c kêu Id run home and play dead. The next day Ilên. “Tôi ph i tìm anh ta.” would call all the newspapers and make sure theyTi p t c xuyên qua r ng m t vài d m, ông ta tình c wrote about me in all the dead columns.g p m t chú bé mang cung tên. Cu i cùng chú bé - Craig, age 9th a nh n chính chú b n nh ng mũi tên úng ngay When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?vào gi a nh ng cái ích. When theyre rich.“Cháu không leo lên nh ng cái ích và óng nh ng - Pam, age 7mũi tên vào gi a ích ch , ph i không?” v công The law says you have to be eighteen, so Itư c h i m t cách lo l ng. wouldnt want to mess with that.“Không, thưa ngài. Cháu b n t xa 100 bư c. Cháu - Curt, age 7xin th b ng t t c nh ng cái cháu cho là linh The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,thiêng.” then you should marry them & have kids with them.“ áng kinh ng c th t s ,” công tư c nói. “Chính vì Its the right thing to do.v y ta s thu nh n cháu. Nhưng ta mu n m t s áp - Howard, age 8tr . Cháu ph i cho ta bi t làm th nào chú tr thành Is It Better To Be Single or Married?m t cung th ngo i h ng như v y.” Its better for girls to be single but not for“À,” a bé nói, “ trư c tiên cháu b n tên vào cây, boys. Boys need someone to clean up aftersau ó cháu v ích xung quanh nó.” them.QUESTIONS OF THE DAY - Anita, age 9 31 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 32. How Would The World Be Different If People Lu t l thì như th này: N u b n hôn ai ó,Didnt Get Married? sau ó b n nên cư i h và có con v i h . ó là m t There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, vi c làm úng.wouldnt there? Howard, 8 tu i- Kelvin, age 8 c thân và có gia ình cái nào t t hơn? How Would You Make a Marriage Work? Con gái c thân thì t t hơn nhưng con trai Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she thì không. Con trai c n có ngư i ư c gi s chlooks like a truck. s .- Ricky, age 10 Anita, 9 tu iNH NG CÂU H I TRONG NGÀY Làm th nào b n b n gi gìn m t cu c hôn nhân? ( ư c nh ng h c sinh ti u h c tr l i.) Nói v i v r ng cô y d thương ngay c khi B n quy t nh ai là ngư i cư i? cô ta trông như m t chi c xe t i. B n ph i tìm ai ó thích nh ng th như b n. Ricky, 10 tu iCh ng h n, n u b n thích th thao, cô y nên thích PRIEST AND THE DOORBELLth thaoAlan, 10 tu i A priest is walking down the street one day Không ai th c s quy t nh h s cư i ai when he notices a small boy trying to press atrư c khi h l n lên. Chúa quy t nh trư c t t c , doorbell on a house across the street. However, thevà b n ph i tìm ra ai là ngư i b n m c duyên n sau doorbell is just out of his reach. ó. After watching the boys efforts for someKirsten, 10 tu i time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. Tu i nào là thích h p cư i? He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind Hai mươi ba là tu i t t nh t vì b n bi t ngư i the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the ó mãi mãi lúc ó. childs shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell aCamille, 10 tu i. ring. Không có tu i nào là thích h p cư i c . Crouching down to the childs level, the priestB n tr thành m t th ng ng c khi cư i. smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, myFreddie, 6 tu i. little man?" B n nghĩ b và m có i m gì chung? The boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!" C hai u không mu n có thêm con. V LINH M C VÀ CHUÔNG C ALori, 8 tu i Ph n l n ngư i ta làm gì khi h n hò? Vào m t ngày kia m t v linh m c ang i H n hò là làm vui, và ngư i ta nên dùng trên ư ng thì ông ta chú ý th y m t chú bé ang cnh ng cu c h n hi u bi t l n nhau. Ngay c con g ng nh n chuông c a trên m t cái nhà bên kiatrai cũng có vài i u nói n u b n nghe lâu. ư ng. Tuy v y, cái chuông ngoài t m v i c aLynnette, 8 tu i chú. Trong l n h n u tiên, h ch nói láo nhau, Sau khi xem nh ng c g ng c a chú bé trongvà i u ó thư ng làm h c m th y thú v h n m t lúc, linh m c ti n g n hơn v ch chú bé. Ôngl n hai. bư c nhanh qua ư ng, i l i phía sau chàng traiMartin, 10 tu i nh và d u dàng t trên vai a tr , nghiêng ngư i B n làm gì khi h n hò l n u mà tr nên t i v trư c và nh n chuông.t i? Cu i xu ng a bé, linh m c cư i nhân t và Tôi s ch y v nhà và gi ch t. Ngày hôm h i:”Và bây gi n cái gì, ông nh ?”sau tôi s g i t t c các t báo và làm sao b o Th ng bé quay ra và la:”Bây gi thì ch y !” m là h vi t v tôi trên nh ng c t cáo phó. MOTHERLY ADVICECraig, 9 tu i Khi nào thì hôn m t ngư i khác ư c? "Im ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting Khi h giàu có. with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"Pam, 7 tu i "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I Lu t nói r ng b n ph i ư c mư i tám tu i, threw one at him."vì th tôi s không mu n r c r i v i i u ó. The mother stated emphatically, "When heCurt, 7 tu i threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." 32 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 33. The boy quickly replied, "What good would Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was upthat have done? My aim is much early with her toddler anyway, it would be a goodbetter than yours." way for them to get some exercise as well so sheL I KHUYÊN NGƯ I MÁ agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her “Má m c c v i con quá,” ngư i má nói. little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as“ ánh l n v i b n thân c a con là m t vi c làm he walked to school with another neighbor boy heth m t !” knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys “Nó ném á vào con !” th ng bé nói. “Vì th walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, thecon ném nó m t hòn.” little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady “Ngư i má nh n m nh:”Khi nó ném á vào was following them as she seemed to do every daycon, con ã nên ch y v v i má.” all week. Th ng bé nhanh nh u áp l i:”Như v y thì Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticedcó t t gì? Con ném trúng ích hơn má nhi u ch .” that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"A GOOD JOB Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is." A father is asked by his friend, "Has your The little friend said, "Well who is she?"little boy decided what he wants to be when he "Thats just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.grows up?" "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," why is she following us?"replied the boys father. "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my His friend thought for a moment and Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayersresponded, "Thats a rather strange ambition to have cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, thefor a career." prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy "Well," said the boys father, "he thinks that shall follow me all the days of my life." so I guessgarbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!" Ill just have to get used to it.”M T NGH NGHI P T T I B T I TRƯ NG M t ngư i cha ư c m t ngư i b n Timmy là m t th ng bé nh năm tu i ư c máh i:”Th ng nh nhà anh ã quy t nh làm gì khi nó thương r t nhi u và, là m t ngư i hay lo, ch lo âul n lên chưa?” v vi c chú i t i trư ng khi chú b t u i nhà tr . “R i, nó mu n tr thành ngư i thu gom rác,” Ch d n nó t i trư ng hai ngày, nhưng khi chú vngư i cha tr l i. nhà m t ngày kia, chú nói v i má r ng chú không Ông b n suy nghĩ m t lúc r i tr l i:” ó là mu n má d n chú t i trư ng hàng ngày. Chú mu nm t ý mu n hơi l cho m t s nghi p.” gi ng như nh ng “anh l n.” Chú ph n i m ĩ, vì “ ,” ngư i cha nói:”Nó nghĩ là nh ng ngư i th ch có m t ý tư ng v vi c làm th nào gi ithu gom rác ch làm vi c vào th Ba!” quy t chuy n ó.WALK TO SCHOOL Ch h i m t ngư i hàng xóm, bà Goodnest, bà có ch u bí m t i theo a con c a ch t i trư ng, giTimmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom m t kho ng cách phía sau chú mà chú không có khloved very much and, being a worrier, she was năng chú ý, nhưng g n trông ch ng chú.concerned about him walking to school when he Bà Goodnest nói r ng vì bà th c d y s m v i a béstarted Kindergarten. She walked him to school the m i bi t i c a bà cho nên ó là m t cách hay hcouple of days, but when he came home one day, he t p th d c chút nh n a vì th bà ng ý.told his mother that he did not want her walking him Ngày i h c ti p theo, bà Goodnest và a con gáito school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big nh , Marcy, kh i i theo phía sau Timmy trong lúcboys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of chú i b t i trư ng v i m t chú bé hàng xóm kháchow to handle it. chú bi t. Bà làm như th trong c tu n. Trong khi She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she hai chú bé i b và tán g u, á nh ng c c á và cànhwould surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a cây con, chú b n nh c a Timmy chú ý r ng bà nàydistance behind him that he would not likely notice, ang theo chúng có v như bà làm v y m i ngày cbut close enough to keep a watch on him. tu n. 33 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 34. Cu i cùng, chú nói v i Timmy:”Mày có chú ý t i bà IRREPLACEABLEkia theo t i mình c tu n không? Mày có bi t bà ykhông?” My six-year-old grandson called his mother from hisTimmy th ơ tr l i:”Có, tao bi t bà y là ai.” friend Charlies house and confessed he had brokenTh ng b n nh nói:” bà ta là ai?” a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.“ ó là bà Shirley Goodnest” Timmy nói. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you dont“Shirley Goodnest? Bà y là bà ch t d m nào và t i have to worry about buying another one. Charliessao bà y theo t i mình?” mother said it was irreplaceable."“À,” Timmy gi i thích, “m i t i má tao b t tao c KHÔNG TH THAY TH Ư Cbào Thánh ca s 23 v i l i c u nguy n vì má tao lov tao quá nhi u. Và trong ó, bài Thánh ca a cháu trai sáu tu i c a tôi g i i n tho i cho mvi t:”Shirley Goodnest và Marcy s theo tôi su t t t nó t nhà b n Charlie và thú nh n nó ã làm b m tc các ngày trong i tôi.” Vì v y tao oán là tao s cái èn khi nó quăng m t trái banh vào phòng kháchph i quen v i chuy n ó i.” c ah .FRECKLES AND WRINKLES “Nhưng, má à,” nó nói v i v tươi t nh, “má không ph i lo vi c mua m t cái khác.Má Charlie nói nóAn elderly woman and her little grandson, whose không th thay th ư c.”face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent theday at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line ABSTRACT NOUNto get their cheeks painted by a local artist who wasdecorating them with tiger paws. "An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something "Youve got so many freckles, theres no you can think of, but you cant touch it. Can anyoneplace to paint!" A girl in the line said to the little give me an example of one?"fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. "Sure," a boy replied. "How about my dads His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I new car."love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always DANH T TR U TƯ NGwanted freckles,” she said, while tracing her fingeracross the childs cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!" “M t danh t tr u tư ng,” giáo viên nói “là m t cái The boy looked up, "Really?" gì ó các em có th nghĩ t i nhưng các em không th "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just ch m t i ư c.Ai có th cho cô m t ví d ?”name me one thing thats prettier than freckles." “Thưa cô,” m t nam sinh lên ti ng. “Chi c xe hơi The little boy thought for a moment, peered m i c a ba em ư c không .”intensely into his grandmas face, and softly Tôn giáo và th n linhwhispered, "Wrinkles." THE AMISH HAVE A SENSE OF HUMORTÀN NHANG VÀ N P NHĂN TOOM t bà lão và a cháu nh c a bà v i khuôn m t While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up tor c y nh ng tàn nhang sáng ang chơi m t ngày an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriagetrong vư n thú. Nhi u tr em ang i trong hàng obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to ư c v má b i m t h a sĩ a phương, ngư i ang the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...trang trí cho chúng v i nh ng vu t c p. "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.“Mày có quá nhi u tàn nhang, không có ch nào Caution: Do not step on exhaust."v h t!” M t a con gái trong hàng nói v i chú bé. NGƯ I GIÁO PHÁI AMISH CŨNG CÓ ÓCChú bé lúng túng cúi u xu ng. KHÔI HÀIBà c a chú quỳ xu ng sát chú. “Bà thích nh ng n pnhăn c a cháu. Khi bà còn là m t a con gái, bà Trong khi ang lái Pennsylvania (m t bang Hoaluôn luôn mu n có tàn nhang,” bà nói trong khi ưa Kỳ – ND), m t gia ình b t k p m t chi c xe ng angón tay ngang qua má a bé. “Tàn nhang là p!” c a giáo phái Amish. Ch xe h n nhiên có óc khôiChú bé nhìn lên:”Th t à?” hài, vì g n vào sau xe là m t bi u tư ng in hình bàn“Dĩ nhiên,” bà nói. “Th nào, ch cho bà m t th p tay …hơn tàn nhang i.” “Phương ti n v n t i có hi u su t năng lư ng cao.Chú nh nghĩ m t lúc, nhìn ch m ch m vào m t bà Ch y b ng y n m ch và c .Chú ý: Không d m lênvà thì th m nh nhàng:”N p nhăn.” x .” 34 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 35. ARTHRITIS … After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain that the cost was A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down becoming burdensome. Things got contentious.on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was Finally, the minister stood at the altar andstained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and said, a little angrily, "Having children is an act ofa half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his God!"torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and "Snow and rain are acts of God too." a man atbegan reading. After a few minutes the man turned the back of the room said, "But most of us wearto the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes rubbers."arthritis?" QUÁ NHI U VI C T T?"My Son, its caused by loose living, being withcheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a M t m c sư m i cư i v i n giáo oàn, báo chocontempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with h bi t v ông ã mang thai và xin tăng m t m cprostitutes and lack of bath." lương h p lý. Sau khi bàn b c h ng ý r ng s"Well, Ill be damned," the drunk muttered, tăng nhân kh u trong gia ình là lý do tăng lương.returning to his paper. Sau sáu l n sinh trong sáu năm các thành viên giáoThe priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged oàn tri u t p m t cu c h p ch trích r ng phí t nthe man and apologized. "Im very sorry. I didnt ang tr nên n ng n . V vi c gây ra nhi u tranhmean to come on so strong. How long have you had cãi.arthritis?" Cu i cùng, m c sư ng t i bàn th và nói m t cách"I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that hơi t c gi n:” Sinh con là m t hành vi c a Chúa!”the Pope does". “ Tuy t và mưa cũng là nh ng hành vi c a Chúa,”VIÊM KH P … m t ngư i àn ông cu i phòng nói. “Nhưng ph n l n chúng ta m c áo mưa.”M t ngư i àn ông say x n s c mùi bia ng i xu ng WHY DO YOU WEAR THE COLLAR THATtrên m t gh mêtrô k bên m t linh m c. Cà v t c a WAY?ngư i àn ông v y b n, m t ông ta dính y nh ngv t son , và m t n a chai rư u gin tr ng r ng chìa An old Jewish man was once on the subway and hera kh i túi áo choàng rách c a ông ta. Ông ta m t sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that thebáo và b t u c. Sau m t vài phút, ngư i àn ông young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Havingquay l i v linh m c và h i:” Hãy nói, thưa cha, cái never seen a priest before, he asked the man,gì gây ra viêm kh p?” "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt“Con ơi, nó ư c gây ra b i i s ng phóng túng, ăn collar on backwards?" v i àn bà m t h ng, The priest became a bit flustered but politelyt i l i, b i quá nhi u rư u c n và m t s khinh answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father."thư ng i v i ngư i b n c a con, ng v i gái i m The Jewish man thought a second andvà thi u t m r a.” responded "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my “ Thôi, ta s b ch i,” ngư i x n l m b m, collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar soquay l i v i t báo. differently?" V linh m c, nghĩ v nh ng i u ông ta ã The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir,nói, dùng khu u tay huých ngư i àn ông và xin I am the father for many."l i:” Tôi r t l y làm ti c. Tôi không có ý nói n ng. The Jewish man quickly answered "I too amCon b viêm kh p bao lâu r i?” the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters“Con không b , thưa cha. Con ch c ây r ng and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my c Giáo Hoàng b .” collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear itTOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING? your way?" The priest who was beginning to getA recently married minister went to his exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I amcongregation, informed them of his wifes pregnancy the father for hundreds and hundreds of people."and asked for a raise that would allow him a The Jewish man was taken aback and wasreasonable salary. After deliberation it was agreed silent for a long time. As he got up to leave thethat the increase in family size warranted the raise. subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said 35 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 36. "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants M t ngư i àn ông ang i xu ng bãi bi nbackwards." và tình c th y m t cái chai cũ.Anh ta nh t lên, mT I SAO ÔNG M C C ÁO KI U Ó? nút ra và m t v th n v t ra.V th n nói:”C m ơn ông ã gi i thoát tôi kh i cái chai.Tôi s cho ông baM t ông già Do Thái có l n i xe i n ng m và ông i uư c n áp.”ta ng i c nh m t ngư i àn ông tr hơn.Ông ta chú ý Ngư i àn ông nói:”Th t tuy t.Tôi ã luônr ng ngư i àn ông tr có m t ki u áo sơ mi mơ t i i u này và bây gi tôi bi t chính xác tôil .Trư c gi chưa t ng g p m t linh m c, ông ta h i mu n gì.Trư c tiên tôi mu n 1 t ô la trong m t tàingư i àn ông:”Xin l i, thưa ông, vì sao ông m c c kho n ngân hàng Th y sĩ.”áo sơ mi phía sau?” Ph p!M t tia sáng phát ra và m t m u gi yV linh m c hơi b i r i m t tí nhưng l ch s tr v i nh ng con s tài kho n hi n ra trong tay anhl i:”Tôi m c c áo này vì tôi là cha.” ta.Anh ta ti p t c:”Ti p theo, tôi mu n m t chi cÔng già Do Thái suy nghĩ m t giây và áp l i:”Thưa Ferrari m i nguyên xi ngay ây.”ông, tôi cũng là cha nhưng tôi m c c áo ra Ph p!M t tia sáng phát ra và m t chi ctrư c.T i sao ông m c c áo quá khác l ?” Ferrari m i cáu màu tươi xu t hi n ngay c nhV linh m c suy nghĩ trong m t giây và nói:”Thưa anh ta.Anh ta ti p t c:”Cu i cùng, tôi mu n tr nênông, tôi là cha c a nhi u ngư i.” h p d n không cư ng l i ư c i v i ph n .”Ông già Do Thái mau mi ng tr l i:”Tôi cũng là cha Ph p! M t tia sáng phát ra và anh ta bi nc a nhi u ngư i. m tôi có b n trai, b n gái và thành m t h p sôcôla.r t nhi u cháu.Nhưng tôi m c c áo gi ng như m i HE COULD NOT RECALL THE JOKEngư i khác u m c.T i sao ông m c c áo theoki u c a ông?” Recently a large seminar was held for ministers inV linh m c b t u có ý nghĩ b c t c và sau ó nói training. Among the guests were many well-knownth ng ra:”Thưa ông, tôi là cha c a hàng trăm và motivational speakers. One such boldly approachedhàng trăm ngư i.” the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowds attention,Ông già Do Thái s ng s t và im l ng m t lúc said, "The best years of my life were spent in thelâu.Trong lúc ông ta ng lên r i tàu i n ng m, arms of a woman that wasnt my wife!" The crowdông ta ngã ngư i v phía linh m c và nói:”Thưa was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And thatông, có l ông nên m c qu n ngư c v phía sau.” woman was my mother!" The crowd burst intoWHAT DOES EVERY WOMAN WANT? laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.A man is walking down the beach and comes across About a week later one of the ministers whoan old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and had attended the seminar decided to use that joke inout pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit onefreeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in histhree wishes." head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. The man says "Great. I always dreamed of Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "Thethis and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 greatest years of my life were spent in the arms ofBillion dollars in a Swiss bank account." another woman that was not my wife!" His Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of congregation sat shocked.paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying tocontinues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finallyright blurted out, "...and I cant remember who she was!"here." ÔNG TA KHÔNG TH NH L I L I ÙA VUI Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red G n ây m t xêmina ư c t ch c cho các m cbrand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He sư ang ư c hu n luy n.Trong s khách có nhi ucontinues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to di n gi có s c thu hút n i ti ng.M t trong nh ngwomen." ngư i ó t tin bư c lên b c gi ng kinh , thu hút s Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns chú ý c a toàn ám ông, nói:”Nh ng năm p nh tinto a box of chocolates. trong i tôi ã tr i qua trong vòng tay c a m tM I PH N MU N CÁI GÌ? ngư i àn bà không ph i v tôi !” ám ông b s c! 36 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 37. Ông ta ti p t c b ng cách nói:” Và ngư i àn bà ó sang tr ng c a thành ph . Khi con rung chuông,là m tôi!” ám ông n ra m t tr n cư i và ông ta cánh c a m ra và m t ph n p nh t mà con t ng c bài di n văn, sau ó k t thúc t t p. th y ng ó. Nàng có mái tóc dài vàng hoe và ôiKho ng m t tu n sau, m t trong nh ng m c sư ã m t như ng c l c b o.Nàng m c m t chi c áo dàid xêmina quy t nh dùng l i úa vui ó trong bài m ng phô ra hình dáng hoàn h o c a nàng.Và nàngthuy t giáo c a ông ta.Vào m t ngày ch nh t,trong h i m t cách quy n rũ con có mu n vào nhà không.”lúc ông ta l i g n b c gi ng kinh m t cách nhút “Và, con ã làm gì, con c a ta ?” v linh m c h i.nhát, ông ta c g ng nh m l i câu chuy n vui trong “Thưa cha, con không i vô nhà nhưng con n i u.Có v như u óc ông ta hơi không sáng s a dâm.Oi, con dâm ãng làm sao,” gã áp.sáng s a trong sáng hôm nay.C m micrô, ông ta nói “T i l i c a con ã ư c tha,” linh m c tr l i.”Conl n:”Nh ng năm p nh t c a i tôi tr i qua trong s ư c thư ng trên thiên àng, con c a ta.”vòng tay c a m t ph n khác không ph i v tôi!” “Thư ng ư, thưa cha? Cha nghĩ ph n thư ng c a ám ông ng i h p b s c.Sau khi ng trong g n con có th là gì?” Melvin h i?10 giây c g ng nh l i o n th hai c a l i nói vui, Linh m c tr l i:”Cha nghĩ m t ng c h n là thíchông m c sư cu i cùng th t ra:” … và tôi không th h p, … con l a ngu ng c .”nh cô ta là ai!” JESUS AND THE UNION WORKERCONFESSION Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lakeMelvin comes to confession. "Father," he said, one day, when Jesus walked across the water andforgive me for I have sinned." joined them in the boat. When the three astonished The priest asked, "What did you do, my men had settled down enough to speak, the first guyson?" asked humbly, "Jesus, Ive suffered from back pain "I lusted," Melvin replied. ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war... "Tell me about it," the priest said. could you help me?" Melvin then related his story. "Father, I am a "Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when hedeliveryman.Yesterday I was making a delivery in touched the mans back, hethe affluent section of the city.When I rang the bell, felt relief for the first time in years.the door opened and there stood the most The second man, who wore very thick glasses andbeautifulwoman I have ever seen. She had long had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesusblonde hair and eyes like emeralds.She was dressed could do anything about his eyesight.in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect Jesus smiled, removed the mans glasses andfigure.And, she asked seductively if I would like to tossed them in the lake. Whencome in." they hit the water, the mans eyes cleared and he "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the could see everything distinctly.priest. When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. the guy put his hands up and cried defensively,Oh, how I lusted,"replied the man. "Dont touch me! Im on long term disability." "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the CHÚA GIÊXU VÀ NHÂN VIÊN CÔNG OÀNpriest. "You will get your reward in heaven, myson." M t ngày kia,hai ngư i àn ông và m t nhân viên "A reward, father? What do you think my công oàn ang câu cá trên m t cái h thì Chúareward might be?" Melvin asked. Giêxu i ngang m t nư c và tham gia cùng v i h The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay trên chi c thuy n. Khi 3 ngư i àn ông kinh ng c ãwould be appropriate, ...you dumb ass. “ ng i xu ng nói chuy n, ngư i u tiên h iXƯNG T I m t cách h mình:”Thưa Chúa Giêxu, con ã ch u ch ng au lưng t khi con dính m t m nh n trongMelvin i xưng t i.”Thưa cha,” anh ta nói, “tha l i chi n tranh Vi t Nam … ngài có th giúp concho con vì con có t i.” không?”Linh m c h i:”Con ã làm gì. con c a ta?” “Dĩ nhiên, con c a ta”, Chúa Giêxu nói, và khi ngài“Con dâm ãng,” Melvin tr l i. ch m vào lưng ngư i àn ông, ông ta c m th y l n“Hãy k cho cha nghe,” linh m c nói. u tiên h t au n trong nhi u năm.R i Melvin k l i câu chuy n.”Thưa cha, con làmngh ưa thư. Hôm qua con ang phát thư m t khu 37 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 38. Ngư i àn ông th hai eo c p kính r t dày và có "But," the man admitted, "I made him payg p khó khăn khi c và lái xe ã h i Chúa Giêxu rent."có làm gì ư c v i th l c c a ông ta không. "That wasnt so nice," the priest said, "butChúa Giêxu m m cư i, tháo ôi kính ngư i àn ông you were putting yourself at risk."và quăng xu ng h .Khi chúng ch m m t nư c, ôi "Oh, thank you, Father, " the man said. "Butm t ngư i àn ông sáng ra và ông ta có th th y m i I have one more question."v t rõ ràng. "What is it?" asked the priest.Khi Chúa Giêxu quay sang ch a cho nhân viên công "Do you think I should tell him the war is oàn, ngư i này ưa hai tay lên và kêu la trong s over?"tránh né:” ng ng t i con. Con b t l c t lâu.” NGƯ I T N NEVEN GOD CAN’T HELP!A young boy and his doting grandmother were Ý, m t ngư i àn ông có tu i i t i linh m c vàwalking along the sea shore when a huge wave xưng t i:”Tha l i cho con, thưa cha,” ông ta n c n .appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to “Trong su t chi n tranh, con ã gi u m t ngư i tsea. n n trên gác mái.” The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised “ ư c r i,” v linh m c nói, “ ó không ph iher eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to là m t t i l i.”return her beloved grandson. “Nhưng,” ngư i àn ông thú nh n, “Con b t Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the anh ta ph i tr ti n thuê.”stunned child on the sand before her. “ i u ó không p,” linh m c nói, “nhưng The grandmother looked the boy over con ã t t mình vào ch nguy hi m.”carefully. He was fine. “ , c m ơn cha,” ngư i àn ông nói. But still she stared up angrily toward the “Nhưng con có m t câu h i n a.”heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, “Câu gì v y?” linh m c h i."he had a hat!" “Cha có nghĩ con nên nói v i ông ta chi nTHƯ NG CŨNG KHÔNG GIÚP Ư C! tranh ã k t thúc?” PRAY A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught in the railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, M t chú bé và ngư i bà l m c m c a chú please get my foot out of these tracks and Ill stop ang i d c theo b bi n thì m t cơn sóng kh ng l drinking!"không rõ nơi âu xu t hi n, cu n chú bé ra bi n. Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the Ngư i ph n ho ng s s p xu ng g i, train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God,ngư c nhìn tr i cao và xin Chúa tr l i cho bà a please get my foot out and Ill stop drinking ANDcháu yêu quý. cussing!" Still Nhìn kìa, m t con sóng khác ã ưa lên và nothing and the train was just seconds away! t a tr choáng váng trên cát trư c m t bà ta. He tried it one more time, "God please, if you Bà lão xem xét a bé c n th n. Nó v n get my foot out of the tracks, Ill quit drinking,kh e. cussing, smoking and fornicating." Nhưng bà lão v n tr ng m t nhìn tr i cao. Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and“Khi chúng ta n,” bà lão nói cáu k nh và ph n n , he was able to dive out of the way in the nick of“nó có m t cái mũ!” time.REFUGEE He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got itIn Italy, an elderly man went to a priest and myself."confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he sobbed. "During C U CHÚAthe war, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," the priest replied, "thats not a sin." 38 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 39. M t anh chàng ang i thì t nhiên k t m t chân The rabbi said that he would like someone tovào ư ng ray xe l a. Anh ta c gi t ra nhưng nó k t say, "LOOK! Hes moving!"th c s . Anh ta nghe m t ti ng ng và nhìn quanh NH NG L TANGth y m t chi c xe l a ang ch y n.Anh ta ho ng s và b t u c u nguy n: “L y Chúa, M t linh m c, m t nhà sư và m t giáo sĩ Doxin hãy kéo chân con ra kh i ư ng ray và con s b thái ang nói chuy n m i ngư i s mu n ư c nói gìrư u!” l tang c a h .Không có gì x y ra và cái chân v n k t, và xe l a V linh m c nói ông s mu n ngư i ta nói:”Có m t ang ti n t i g n hơn! Anh ta l i c u nguy n:” L y ngư i i theo con ư ng c a Chúa Giê-xu.”Chúa, xin hãy kéo chân con ra và con s b rư u VÀ Nhà sư nói r ng ông mu n ngư i ta nói:”Có m tch i t c!” V n không có gì và chi c tàu ch còn cách ngư i tu hành c o.”vài giây! V giáo sĩ Do thái nói ông mu n ngư i ta nói: “NhìnAnh ta c g ng m t l n n a:”L y Chúa, n u ngài kìa! Ông ta nhúc nhích!”kéo chân con kh i ư ng ray, con s b rư u, ch i VODKA IN THE PULPITt c và tà dâm.”B t ng chân anh ta v t ra kh i ư ng ray và anh tacó th nhào ra kh i ư ng ray úng lúc. The new priest was so nervous at his firstAnh ta ng d y, ph i b i, nhìn lên tr i và nói:”Dù mass, he could hardly speak. Before his secondsao cũng t ơn Chúa, con ã t kéo ra ư c r i.” appearance in the pulpit, he asked the MonsignorEVILS OF TELEVISION how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the Pastor Brown was preaching an impassioned water pitcher. After a few sips everything should gosermon on the evils of television. smoothly." "It steals away precious time that could be The next Sunday the new priest put thebetter spent on other things," he said. suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a He advised the congregation to do what he and storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to thehis family had done. rectory he found a note from the Monsignor. "We put our TV away in the closet." Dear Father, "Thats right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets 1. Next time sip rather than gulp.awfully crowded in there." 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.CÁI H I C A TIVI 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass. M c sư Brown ang thuy t giáo m t cách 5. We do not refer to the Cross as the "Bigsay sưa v nh ng cái h i c a tivi. T". “Nó l y c p i th i gian quý báu mà có th 6. We do not refer our Savior, Jesus Christnên dùng vào nh ng vi c khác,” ông nói. and his Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys. Ông khuyên giáo dân làm vi c mà ông và gia 7. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are ình ã làm. not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the “Chúng tôi t tivi xa trong phòng kho.” Spook." “ úng r i,” bà v l m b m, “và ngư i ta t 8. We dont refer to Judas as "El Finko".t p vô cùng ông ó.” 9. The Pope is consecrated not constipated orFUNERALS castrated, and we dont refer to him as "The Godfather" A priest, a Buddhist and a rabbi are 10. When Jesus broke the bread at the Lastdiscussing what each would like to be said at their Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is myfuneral. body, he did not say, "Eat me." The priest said that he would like someone to 11. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Marysay, "There is a man who followed the path of with the Cherry".Jesus." V TCA TRONG BÀI GI NG O The buddist said that he would like someoneto say, "There is a man who strived for M t linh m c m i c m th y r t căng th ngenlightenment." trư c ám ông tín n n i ông h u như không nói ư c. Trư c khi xu t hi n l n th hai gi ng 39 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 40. o, ông h i c ông làm th nào c m th y tho i "Fine!" exclaimed the exasperated headmái. c ông nói:”Ch nh t t i, n u ông b m t ít monk, "All youve done since you got here isv tca vào bình ng nư c có th tình hình s t t complain anyway."hơn. Sau vài l n nh m nháp, m i th s tr nên trôi T T C NH NG GÌ TH Y LÀM T KHIch y.” TH Y N ÂY ...Ch nh t ti p theo, v linh m c m i thi hành l ingh và có th nói như gió. Ông c m th y r t tuy t ! M t ngư i àn ông quy t nh tham gia m tTuy nhiên, khi quay v nhà, ông th y m t t gi y nhóm tu sĩ r t nh và có th h ng r t ch n l c. Thghi c a c ông. h ng này tu cao n n i i v i vi c c u nguy n hCha thân m n, ch cho phép nói 2 t m i năm.1. L n t i nên nh m nháp hơn là u ng t ng Sau khi năm u tiên trôi qua, ngư i àn ông i vàong m. m t căn phòng nh nơi ông ư c d p nói hai t v i2. Có 10 i u răn, không phài 12. sư ph . Hai t c a ông là “Quá l nh.” Sư ph g t3. Có 12 thánh tông , không ph i 10. u và ưa ông ta thêm m t cái m n.4. David quay Goliath, David không á ít Năm th hai trôi qua và ông ta ư c ưa vào cănGoliath. phòng nh . L n này 2 t c a ông là “ ăn nh t.”5. Chúng ta không nói t i cây th p t như m t M t l n n a sư ph g t u và ưa cho ông m t h p“ch T l n”. mu i.6. Chúng ta không nói t i ng C u Th , Jesus Khi năm k ti p trôi qua, h ưa ông tr l i cănChrist và các thánh tông là “J.C và Nh ng Chàng phòng nh , và 2 t c a ông là “Tôi b .”Trai.” “Hay !” sư ph b c t c kêu lên, “T t c nh ng gì7. Cha, Con và Chúa thánh th n không ư c th y làm t khi ông n ây,dù sao i n a, là thannói t i như “Cha l n, Con, và Ma qu . phi n.”8. Chúng ta không nói Judas là “El Finko”. A SURPRISE9. Giáo Hoàng ư c phong thánh không b táobón ho c b thi n, và chúng ta không g i ngài là A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you“Cha u” and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy10. Khi Chúa b bánh mì B a ăn Cu i cùng, Land at my expense. When you come back, Ill havengài nói:”Hãy nh n cái này và ăn, vì nó là thân th a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer,andta, ngài không nói:”Hãy ăn ta.” he and his wife went off to the Middle East.11. Không bao gi có “M Mary v i trái anh Three months later they returned home and ào” mà luôn luôn là c M Mary ng Trinh. were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told themALL YOU HAVE DONE SINCE YOU GOT that while they were gone, he had had a new churchHERE ... built. "Its the finest building money can buy, vicar,"said the man. "No expense was spared." And A man decided to join a very small and very he was right. It was aselective order of monks. The order was so devoted magnificent edifice both outside and in.to prayer they were only allowed to say 2 words But there was one striking difference. Thereevery year. was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A After the first year passed, he went into a church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.small room where he was given the chance to say "You just wait until Sunday," the rich manhis two words to the head monk. His two words said.were "Too cold." The head monk nodded and gave When the time came for the Sunday service,him an extra blanket. the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the The next year passed and he was once again one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, ataken into the small room. This time his 2 words switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gearswere "Bland food." Again the head monk nodded meshed,a belt moved and, automatically, the rearand gave him a box of salt. pew began to move forward.When it reached the When the next year had passed they took front of the church, it came to a stop. At the samehim back into the small room, and his 2 words were time, another empty pew came up from below at the"I quit." back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back. 40 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 41. "Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!" They argued all evening. Eve asked Adam if there The service began, and the vicar started to was another woman and Adam said "no."preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, They went to bed still arguing. During thewhen 12 oclock came, he was still going strong, middle of the night Adam wakes up and Eve iswith no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap poking his side.door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open. "What are you doing?" asked Adam. "Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Im checking to see if any more of your ribs"Marvelous!" are gone."M T I U GÂY NG C NHIÊN A AM VÀ EVAM t ngư i àn ông giàu có n g p cha s và M t ngày kia Eva h i A am i âu c ngày.Ông nóinói:”Con mu n cha và phu nhân du hành m t làm vi c nhưng bà không tin. Hai ngư i cãi nhau cchuy n ba tháng n t Thánh b ng ti n c a con. bu i t i. Eva h i A am co m t ph n khác khôngKhi cha quay v , con s làm cho cha ng c nhiên.” và A am nói “không.”Cha s ng ý l i ngh và cùng phu nhân kh i H i ng và v n còn cãi nhau. Lúc n a êm, A amhành n Trung ông. th c d y và Eva ang y bên sư n ông.Ba tháng sau h quay v nhà và ư c g p giáo dân “Bà làm gì v y?” A am h i.giàu có n , ngư i ã nói v i h trong khi h i, ông “Em ang ki m tra xem có cái nào trong nh ngta ã cho xây m t nhà th m i. “ ây là m t công xương sư n c a anh i âu không.”trình p nh t mà ti n b c có th mua ư c, thưa HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS ?cha,” ngư i àn ông nói. “Không có m t phí t n nàoth a.” Và ông ã nói úng. ó là m t công trình A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service onl ng l y c trong l n ngoài. Sunday afternoon down by the river.Nhưng có m t khác bi t n i b t. Ch có m t hàng He proceeds to walk down into the water andgh ng i, và nó ngay phía sau. “Nhà th ch có stand next to the preacher. The minister turns andm t hàng gh thôi ư?” cha s h i. notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you“Ch c n cha i n Ch nh t,” ngư i àn ông giàu ready to find Jesus?"có nói. The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, n th i i m l Ch nh t, nh ng ngư i n s m i Preacher, I sure am."vào nhà th , x p vào chi c băng và ng i xu ng. Khi The minister then dunks the fellow under thebăng gh ã y, m t công t c l ng l b t lên, m t water and pulls him right back up. "Have you foundm ch i n ư c óng, các bánh răng kh p nhau, Jesus?" the preacher asked.m t dây cua roa chuy n ng và t ng m t băng "Nooo, I didnt!" said the drunk.gh phía sau chuy n ng v phía trư c. Khi ch m The preacher then dunks him under for quitem t trư c nhà th , nó d ng l i. Cùng m t lúc, m t a bit longer,brings him up and says, "Now, brother,băng gh tr ng khác d ng lên t phía sau và nhi u have you found Jesus?"ngư i khác ng i xu ng. Và c ti p t c như v y, các "Noooo, I have not, Reverend."băng gh ư c ng i kín và chuy n ng v phía The preacher in disgust holds the man undertrư c cho n khi cu i cùng nhà th y kín, t for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out oftrư c n sau. the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man,“Tuy t di u!” cha s nói, “Kỳ di u!” have you found Jesus yet?"Bu i l b t u và cha s b t u gi ng bài gi ng The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to thec a ông. Ông i vào ch và khi preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" ã n 12 gi , ông v n ti p t c rao gi ng m nh m , CON Ã TH Y CHÚA GIÊXU CHƯA ?không ng ng. B ng nhiên m t ti ng chuông reo, vàm t cái c a s p trên sàn nhà phía sau b c gi ng kinh M t gã say rư u i chân nam á chân chiêu d c theoth m xu ng. m t l r a t i vào m t chi u Ch nh t xu ng c nh“Tuy t di u!” giáo oàn nói, “Kỳ di u!” dòng sông.ADAM AND EVE Anh ta ti p t c i xu ng nư c và ng sát nhà thuy t giáo. M c sư quay qua và chú ý ngư i già sayOne day Eve was asking Adam where he had been rư u và nói:”Ông, ông ã s n sàng tìm Chúa Giêxuall day.He said working but she didnt believe him. chưa?” 41 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 42. Ngư i say nhìn l i và nói:”R i, thưa cha. Con ch c thuy t giáo c m tay h , th ra mãn nguy n, m mv y.” cư i và nhìn ch m ch m lên tr n nhà. Trong m tSau ó m c sư nhúng gã vào nư c và lôi ông ta lên lúc, không ai nói gì.ngay. “Con ã th y Chúa chưa?” nhà thuy t giáo C hai ch nhà băng và lu t sư c m th y xúch i. ng và hãnh di n r ng nhà thuy t giáo s mu n h“Chưa...ưa...ưa, con không th y!” gã say áp. v i ông trong nh ng phút lâm chung. H cũng b iSau ó nhà thuy t giáo nhúng gã say vào nư c m t r i. Nhà thuy t giáo chưa bao gi t ra ông ta cch p lâu hơn, r i lôi ông ta lên và nói:”Nào, ngư i bi t thích ai trong hai ngư i. C hai u nh nh nganh em, con ã th y Chúa Giêxu chưa?” bài thuy t giáo dài , không d ch u v lòng tham,“Chưa...ưa...ưa, con chưa th y, thưa Cha. d c v ng và cách hành x hám l i làm h c m th yL n này nhà thuy t giáo dìm ngư i àn ông dư i lúng túng trên gh ng i.nư c ít nh t 30 giây trong s căm ghét và nói v i Cu i cùng, ông ch nhà băng h i:”Thưa cha,gi ng khó nghe:”Chúa tôi, con, con ã th y Chúa t i sao cha m i chúng con t i?”Giêxu chưa?” Nhà thuy t giáo t p trung s c l c và nói y uNgư i say rư u già lau m t và nói v i nhà thuy t i:”Chúa Giêxu ch t gi a hai th ng tr m, và ó làgiáo:”Cha có ch c nơi ây là nơi Chúa ngã xu ng cách cha mu n ra i.”không?” BILL GATES ARRIVES AT THE PEARLYTHE PREACHER’S LAST REQUEST GATE An old preacher was dying. He sent a “Well, Bill," said God, "Im really confused on thismessage for his banker and his lawyer, both church one. Im not sure whether to send you to heaven ormembers, to come to his home. hell. After all, you enormously helped society by When they arrived, they were ushered up to putting a computer in almost every home in thehis bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows.held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on Im going to do something Ive never done before.each side of the bed. The Im going to let you decide where you want to go!"preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. Whats thesmiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one difference between the two?"said anything. God said, "You can take a peek at both Both the banker and lawyer were touched and places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall weflattered that the preacher would ask them to be with look at hell first?"him during his final moments. They were also Sure!" said Bill. "Lets go!"puzzled. The preacher had never given them any Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, whiteindication that he particularly liked either of them. sandy beach with clear waters. There wereThey both thousands of beautiful women running around,remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior The sun was shining and the temperature wasthat made them squirm in their seats. perfect! Bill said, "This is great! If this is hell, I cant Finally, the banker asked, "Preacher, why wait to see heaven."did you ask us to come?" To which God replied, "Lets go!" and off The old preacher mustered up his strength they went.and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautifulthieves, and thats how I want to go." blue sky with angels drifting about playing harpsL I TH NH C U CU I CÙNG C A NHÀ and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing asTHUY T GIÁO hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and then rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I M t nhà thuy t giáo già ang i v cõi ch t. would like to go to hell."Ông g i m t thông báo cho ch nhà băng và lu t sư "As you desire," said God.c a ông, c hai u là thành viên nhà th , n nhà Two weeks later, God decided to check upông. on the late billionaire to see how things were going. Khi h n, h ư c ch i lên phòng ng He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongstc a ông. Khi h vào phòng, nhà thuy t giáo ưa tay the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burnedra và ch cho h ng i vào m i bên giư ng. Nhà 42 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 43. and tortured by demons. "How ya doin, Bill?" asked An attorney was having an affair with hisGod. secretary. Shortly afterward, she told him she wasBill responded with anguish and despair, "This is pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave hisawful! This is not what I expected at all! What secretary a sum of money and asked her to gohappened to the beach and the beautiful women to Italy and have the baby there.lying in the water?" "But how will I let you know the baby is"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me asaver!" postcard and write spaghetti on the back. Ill takeBILL GATES T I C NG NG C care of the childs expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the “Này, Bill,” Chúa nói, “Ta th c s lúng túng money and flew to Italy.trong vi c này. Ta không bi t nên con t i thiên Six months went by and then one day, the àng hay a ng c. Sau h t, con ã giúp xã h i nhi u attorneys wife called him at the office andh t s c b ng cách ưa máy tính g n như t i m i nhà explained, "Dear, you received a very strangetrên th gi i, và hơn n a con còn t o ra cái Windows postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I dontghê g m ó. Ta s làm cái gì ó ta chưa h làm understand what it means."trư c ây. Ta s con quy t nh nơi nào con The attorney said, "Just wait until I get home,mu n i!” Gates tr l i:” , t ơn Chúa. âu là s and I will explain it to you."khác nhau gi a hai cái?” Later that evening the attorney came home, Chúa nói:”Con có th nhìn thoáng qua c hai read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heartnơi n u i u ó giúp con quy t nh. Chúng ta coi attack. Paramedics arrived and took him to the ER. a ng c trư c ch ?” The lead medic stayed back to comfort the “D !” Bill nói. “Chúng ta i!” wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the Bill kinh ng c! Ông th y m t bãi bi n cát cardiac arrest.tr ng, s ch v i làn nư c trong.Có hàng ngàn ph n So, the wife picked up the card and readxinh p ang ch y quanh, chơi trong nư c, cư i và aloud: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - ùa vui v . M t tr i ang chi u sáng và nhi t thì Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."hoàn h o! Bill nói:” ây tuy t v i! N u ây là ang c, con không th i xem thiên àng.” Nghe v y Chúa tr l i:” i thôi!” và h kh i CÂU CHUY N TÌNH i. Bill th y nh ng ám mây tr ng trên b u tr i M t lu t sư có chuy n b b ch v i thư ký c a mình. p màu xanh v i nh ng thiên th n b ng b nh chơi Không lâu sau ó, cô ta báo cho ông ta bi t cô ta có àn h c và hát. p, nhưng không h p d n b ng a thai.Không mu n v mình bi t, ông ta ưa cô thư kýng c. Gates ch nghĩ m t lúc và sau ó tr l i quy t m t s ti n và nói cô ta i Italy và sinh a tr ó. nh. “Chúa, con th c s tin r ng con mu n i “Nhưng làm sao em s cho anh bi t a trxu ng a ng c.” ư c sinh ra?” cô ta h i. Ông ta tr l i, “Ch c n g i “Như con mu n,” Chúa nói. anh m t t m bưu thi p và vi t ‘xpaghetti’ (mỳ Hai tu n sau, Chúa quy t nh ki m tra nhà t ng Ý-ND) m t sau.Anh s lo ti n cho a tr .”phú m i xem s vi c ra sao. Ngài th y Bill b Không bi t ph i làm gì n a, cô thư ký c m ti n vàcùm vào tư ng, kêu la gi a l a nóng trong m t cái bay quaItaly.hang t i. Ông ta ang b t và b tra t n b i nh ng Sáu tháng trôi qua và r i m t ngày kia, vcon qu . “Con ang ra sao, Bill?” Chúa h i.Bill tr c a viên lu t sư g i ông ta t i văn phòng và gi ngl i trong au n và tuy t v ng:”T i t th t! ây gi i, “Anh yêu, hôm nay anh nh n ư c t m bưukhông ph i là i u con mu n gì c ! Cái gì x y n thi p r t l t Châu Au, và em không hi u nó cóv i bãi bi n và nh ng ph n xinh p n m trong nghĩa gì.”nư c?” Viên lu t sư nói, “Hãy i cho n khi anh “Ô, Ó!” Chúa nói, “ ó là cái screen v nhà, và anh s gi i thích cho em.”saver1!" Sau ó viên lu t sư v nhà vào bu i chi u,LU T SƯ c t m bưu thi p, ngã ra sàn v i m t cơn au tim.Nhân viên y t n và ưa ông ta vào phòng c pTHE AFFAIR c u. 43 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 44. Bác sĩ trư ng khoa l i an i ngư i v . “Thưa ông, có m t món ti n thù lao 25 ô la cho l iÔng ta h i ch n thương nào ã gây ra vi c ngưng khuyên c a tôi,” lu t sư nh c nh ông ta.tim. V i m t cái l c u, ngư i àn ông tr l i:”Tôi Vì th , ngư i v nh t t m c c lên và c to:” không nh n l i khuyên c a ông.”Xpaghetti, Xpaghetti, Xpaghetti, Xpaghetti – Hai có A KIND LAWYERxúc xích và th t viên, hai không.”IDIOTIC LAWYER One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two menThe lawyers son wanted to follow in his fathers eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driverfootsteps, so he went to law school and graduated to stop and he got out towith honors. Then he went home to join his fathers investigate.firm. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one At the end of his first day at work, he rushed man.into his fathers office and said, "Father, father! In "We dont have any money for food," theone day I broke the Smith case that youve been poor man replied.working on for so long!" "Oh, come along with me then," instructed His father yelled, "You idiot! Weve been the lawyer.living on the funding of that case for ten years!" "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"LU T SƯ NGU NG C "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."Con trai m t viên lu t sư mu n theo chân ba, vì th "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" theanh ta i h c trư ng lu t và u cao. Sau ó anh ta second man answered.v nhà và tham gia công ty c a ba. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyerVào cu i ngày làm vi c u tiên, anh ta xô vào as he headed for his limo.văn phòng ba và nói:”Ba, ba! Trong m t ngày con They all climbed into the car, which was no ã gi i quy t xong v ki n Smith mà ba ã làm vi c easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.quá lâu!” Once under way, one of the poor fellowsBa anh ta la lên:”Th ng ngu! Chúng ta ã s ng nh says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking allti n v này trong mư i năm!” of us with you."BUT MORRALLY The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."One day a man came into a legal office for advice M T LU T SƯ T T B NGabout a debt he owed. The lawyer told the client thattechnically he could get out of the obligation. M t bu i chi u, m t lu t sư giàu có ang i "But morally," the lawyer continued, "you trên chi c limousine thì ông ta th y hai ngư i ànhave a responsibility. As legal counsel, my ông ang ăn c bên v ư ng. Ông ta l nh cho tài xrecommendation is that you satisfy the debt." d ng l i và i ra i u tra. The client rose and walked toward the door. “T i sao các ông ăn c ?” ông ta h i m t "Sir, theres a $25 fee for my advice," the ngư i àn ông.lawyer reminded him. “Chúng tôi không có ti n mua th c ăn,” With a shake of his head, the man replied, ngư i àn ông nghèo khó tr l i."Im not taking your advice." “ , v y thì i v i tôi,” viên lu t sư nói.NHƯNG V M T O C “Nhưng thưa ngài, tôi có v và hai con!” “Hãy mang h theo!” lu t sư nói. Ông taM t ngày kia m t ngư i àn ông i vào m t văn quay l i ngư i àn ông kia và nói:” i v i chúngphòng lu t tư v n v m t món n ông ta m c. tôi.”Viên lu t sư nói v i khách hàng r ng v m t k “Nhưng thưa ngài, tôi có v và sáu a con!”thu t ông ta có th tránh trách nhi m. ngư i àn ông th hai tr l i.“Nhưng v m t o c,” lu t sư ti p t c, ông có “Ông cũng mang h i luôn!” lu t sư tr l im t trách nhi m.V i tư cách là c v n pháp lu t, l i trong lúc ông ta i th ng vào chi c limo.khuyên c a tôi là ông tr n .” H t t c leo lên xe, không d tí nào, i v iNgư i khách ng lên và i ra c a. ngay c chi c xe l n như chi c limo. 44 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 45. Khi ã xu ng ư ng, m t ngư i àn ông Ngư i kh c bia c nh t nh r ng m t câu kh c nhưnói:”Thưa ngài, ngài quá t t b ng. C m ơn ngài ã v y s gây khó hi u vì khách vãng lai s có khuynh ưa t t c chúng tôi i cùng v i ngài.” hư ng nghĩ là ba ngư i àn ông ư c chôn trong Lu t sư tr l i:” Không có chi, c nhà tôi m t n m m . Tuy v y ông ta ngh m t cách khác.cao g n n ba t c.” Ông ta ngh như sau:” ây là nơi yên ngh c aTHE LAWYERS AND THE BANK ROBBERY m t ngư i àn ông v a trung th c v a là m t lu t sư.” Theo cách ó, b t c khi nào v i b t c ai i Two lawyers are in a bank when armed qua t m bia và c, h ch c s nh n xét:robbers break in. One robber rushes the teller “Như v y là l !”windows, one guards the door and the third bank UPSET LAWYERrobber stands in the middle of the bank and yells,"Right! Everyone up against the wall and empty A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, whenyour pockets. We want valuables, watches and suddenly a car came along and hit the door, rippingwallets." it off completely. The first lawyer jams something into his When the police arrived at the scene, thebuddy lawyers hand. "Whats this?" asks his friend lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damagewithout looking down. to his precious BMW. "Its that $100 I owe you" answers the other "Officer, look what theyve done to mylawyer. Beeeeemer!!!",he whined.HAI LU T SƯ VÀ V CƯ P NHÀ BĂNG "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "Youre so worriedHai lu t sư ang nhà băng thì b n cư p có vũ about your stupid BMW, that you didnt even noticetrang t nh p vào. M t tên lao t i c a s thu ngân, that your left arm wasm t tên gác c a và tên th ba ng gi a ngân hàng ripped off!!!"và la l n:”Nghe ây! M i ngư i úp m t vào tư ng "Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finallyvà móc h t túi ra. B n tao c n trang s c, ng h noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm oncevà ví.” was.Viên lu t sư u tiên nhét m t th gì ó vào tay b n. "Wheres my Rolex???!!!!"“Cái gì ây?” ông b n h i mà không nhìn xu ng. VIÊN LU T SƯ LO L NG“ ó là 100 ô la mình n b n” ngư i kia tr l i.THE TOMBSTONE M t lu t sư m c a chi c xe BMW thì t nhiên m t chi c xe hơi ch y n và tông vào cánh c a, xéA man named William Strange died, and his friend to t nó hoàn toàn.asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his Khi c nh sát n hi n trư ng, viên lu t sư cay ngtombstone: "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a than phi n v hư h i c a chi c BMW.lawyer." “Ông sĩ quan, hãy xem h v a làm gì v i chi c The inscriber insisted that such an inscription Beeeeemer c a tôi!!!,” ông ta rên r .would be confusing, for passersby would tend to “Lu t sư các ông quá thiên v v t ch t, ông làm tôithink that three men were buried under the stone. mu n b nh!!!” viên c nh sát v n l i. Ông quá loHowever he suggested an l ng v chi c BMW ng ng n n n i ông th m chíalternative. không chú ý r ng tay trái ông ã rách to t!!!” He suggested the following: "Here Lies a “Ô tr i ơi...” viên lu t sư tr l i, cu i cùng ông taman who was BOTH honest and a lawyer." That cũng chú ý n vai trái y máu là ch cánh tay ôngway, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and ta ó.read it, they would be certain to remark: “Cái ng h Rolex c a tôi âu r i???!!!” "Now thats strange!" THE GODFATHERT M BIA M The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walksM t ngư i àn ông tên William Strange(L ) ch t, và into a room to meet with his accountant. Theb n ông ta yêu c u ngư i t c bia kh c trên bia: “ ây Godfather asks the accountant, "Wheres the threelà nơi yên ngh c a L , m t ngư i trung th c, m t million bucks you embezzled from me?" Thelu t sư.” accountant doesnt answer. The Godfather asks 45 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 46. again, "Wheres the three million bucks you The old farmer replied. "This is my property,embezzled from me?" and you are not coming over here." The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trialdeaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can attorneys in the U.S. and, if you dont let me get thatinterpret for you." duck, Ill sue you and take everything! The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently,@#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, you dont know how we do things here in Northasks the accountant where the three million dollars Carolina. We settle small disagreements like thisis. The accountant signs back, "I dont know what with the NC Three-Kick Rule."youre talking about." The attorney interprets to the The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-KickGodfather, "He doesnt know what youre talking Rule?"about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick youthe temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and three times and then you kick me three times, and sosays, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!" on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney signs to the accountant, "He The Yankee attorney quickly thought about thewants to know where it is!" The accountant signs proposed contest and decided that he could easilyback, "Okay! Okay! The moneys hidden in a take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by thesuitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The local custom.Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The The old farmer slowly climbed down from theattorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kickyou dont have the guts to pull the trigger." planted the toe of his heavy work boot into theB GIÀ Yankee lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the mans nose off hisB già, theo cùng b i lu t sư, i vào m t phòng face. The barrister was flat on his belly when theg p k toán ông ta. B già h i k toán viên:”Ba tri u farmers third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to ô la mày bi n th âu r i?” K toán viên không tr give up.l i.B già h i l i:”Ba tri u ô la mày bi n th c a The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit oftao âu r i?” his will and managed to get to his feet and said,Viên lu t sư c t ngang:”Thưa anh, ngư i này v a "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now its mycâm v a i c và không th hi u anh, nhưng em có turn."th d ch cho anh.” The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said,B già nói:”À, h i nó s ti n @#!* âu r i.” Viên "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."lu t sư, dùng ngôn ng i u b , h i k toán viên ba LU T SƯ M VÀ M T CON V Ttri u ô la âu. K toán viên ra hi u l i:”Tôikhông bi t m y ngư i nói v chuy n gì.” B già rút M t lu t sư M i săn v t ông B c Carolina. Ôngra m t kh u súng l c, t vào thái dương c a k toán ta b n và làm rơi m t con, nhưng nó r t vào ngviên, lên cò súng và nói:”H i nó l i l n n a s ti n c a m t nông dân phía bên kia hàng rào. Lúc viên@#!* âu!” lu t sư leo qua hàng rào, m t ông già h i ông taViên lu t sư ra hi u cho k toán viên:”Anh y mu n ang làm gì. Viên lu t sư tr l i:”Tôi ã b n m tbi t nó âu!” K toán viên ra hi u tr l i:” ư c con v t và nó rơi vào cánh ng này, tôi i b t nór i! ư c r i! Ti n gi u trong m t cái va ly ng v .”sau kho hàng sân sau c a tôi!” B già nói:”Sao, Ông lão nông dân tr l i:” ây là cơ ngơi c a tôi, vànó nói gì?” Viên lu t sư d ch cho b già:”Nó nói anh ông không ư c i qua ây.” Viên lu t sư ph n nkhông có can m bóp cò.” nói:”Tôi là m t trong nh ng lu t sư tòa án gi i nh tYANKEE LAWYER AND A DUCK nư c M ,và, n u ông không tôi l t con v t, tôi s ki n ông và l y i m i th !”A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in Lão nông m m cư i và nói:”Hình như ông khôngeastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, bi t B c Carolina chúng tôi gi i quy t s vi c nhưbut it fell into a farmers field on the other side of a th nào. Chúng tôi gi i quy t nh ng b t hòa nh nhưfence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an th này v i Lu t Ba Cú á NC (B c Carolina-ND).elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. Lu t sư h i:”Lu t Ba Cú á NC” là gì?”The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell inthis field, Im going into retrieve it." 46 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 47. Ngư i nông dân tr l i:”À, trư c tiên tôi á ông ba i u hòa nhi t , toa lét d i nư c và c u thang tl n và sau ó ông á tôi ba l n, và c th , á qua á ng, và viên k sư tr thành m t ngư i khá ư cl i, cho t i khi m t ngư i b cu c.” yêu m n.Viên lu t sư M suy nghĩ nhanh chóng v cu c chơi M t ngày kia, Thư ng g i Sa tăng trong i n ư c ngh và quy t nh là ông ta có th d dàng tho i và h i v i gi ng ch nh o:”Sao, s vi c ach p nh n ông già ngư i B c. Ông ta ng ý tôn ng c ra sao r i?” Sa tăng tr l i:”À, r t tuy t. Chúngtr ng phong t c a phương. tôi có máy i u hòa nhi t , toa lét d i nư c và c uLão nông t t leo xu ng chi c máy cày và i t i thang t ng, và không có gì nói v viên k sưngư i àn ông thành th . Cú á u tiên c a ông c m này s làm gì ti p n a.” Thư ng tr l i:”Cái gìmũi ng làm vi c n ng n c a ông vào vào háng ??? Các ngài có m t k sư à ? ó là m t sai sót – cóviên lu t sư M và làm ông ta qu xu ng g i. Cú á l anh ta không bao gi ng u nhiên xu ng ó c ; hãyth hai c a ông g n như làm b t cái mũi c a ngư i g i anh ta lên ây.” Sa tăng nói:” Không bao gi ! àn ông kh i m t ông ta.Viên lu t sư n m dài b ng Tôi thích có m t k sư trong h i ng, và tôi giúp xu ng khi cú á th ba c a ngư i nông dân g n anh ta l i.” Thư ng nói:”Hãy g i anh ta lên âynhư làm ông ta b cu c. tr l i ho c tôi s ki n.” Sa tăng cư i nôn ru t và trViên lu t sư d n h t quy t tâm và tìm cách ng lên l i:” ư c r i. Và các ngài s l y lu t sư âu?”và nói:” ư c r i, ông già Nam Kỳ nhà quê, bây gi T I NƠI LÀM VI C n lư t tôi.”Ông già nông dân B c Carolina m m cư i và THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT ITnói:”Không, tôi thua cu c. Ông có th l y con v t.”WHERE ARE LAWYERS ? A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says toAn engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, youre an "Sir, you stepped away from the counter,"engineer — youre in the wrong place." So the said the cashier. "We dont make corrections afterengineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. you leave. Theres nothing I can do about it now.Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the Thats the policy of this bank."level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and "Well, ok," answered the customer. "Justbuilding improvements. After a while, theyve got thought youd like to know that you gave me anair conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the extra twenty. Bye."engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. TÔI KHÔNG TH LÀM GÌ V VI C YOne day God calls Satan up on the telephone andasks with a sneer, "So, hows it going down there in M t ngư i khách i kh i qu y m t ngân hàng, mhell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. ti n i, và sau ó quay l i và nói v i th qu :” Này,Weve got air conditioning, flush toilets and cô ã ưa tôi s ti n i không úng!”escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer “Thưa ông, ông ã bư c i kh i ghi sê,” th qu nói.is going to come up with next." God replies, “Chúng tôi không s a sai sau khi ông i.Bây gi tôi"What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake không th làm gì v vi c y. ó là chính sách ngân— he should never have gotten down there; send hàng này.”him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an “ , thôi ư c,” ngư i khách tr l i. “ Tôi ch nghĩengineer on the staff, and Im keeping him." God cô mu n bi t r ng cô ưa tôi m t t hai mươi ô lasays, "Send him back up here or Ill sue." Satan dư. T m bi t.”laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And AN ORGANIZATION IS LIKE A TREEjust where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"LU T SƯ ÂU ? FULL OF MONKEYS M t k sư ch t và trình di n c ng ng c. An organization is like a tree full of monkeys.Thánh Peter ki m tra h sơ anh ta và nói:”Ah, con là They are all on different limbs at differentk sư – con không úng ch .” Vì v y viên k sư levels.trình di n c ng a ng c và ư c cho vào. Ch ng Some are climbing up. Some are climbingbao lâu sau, viên k sư không hài lòng v i m c down.ti n nghi c a a ng c, và b t u thi t k và làm ra The monkeys on the top look down and see anh ng c i ti n. M t th i gian sau, ó có máy tree full of smiling faces. 47 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 48. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see Nhân viên m i th dài và nói:”Darling1. Johnnothing but a bunch of assholes. Darling.”M T T CH C THÌ GI NG NHƯ M T CÂY “ ư c r i, John, i u ti p theo tôi mu n nói v i anh Y NH NG CON KH là …” I’M THE BOSS!M t t ch c thì gi ng như m t cây y nh ng conkh . The boss was complaining in our staff meeting theNhân viên t t c u nh ng cành khác nhau other day that he wasnt getting any respect. Laternh ng v trí khác nhau. that morning he went to a local sign shop andM t s trèo lên trên.M t s trèo xu ng dư i bought a small sign that read:Nh ng con kh ng n cây nhìn xu ng và th y m t "Im the Boss!"cây y nh ng b m t tươi cư i. He then taped it to his office door.Nh ng con kh dư i nhìn lên và không th y gì Later that day when he returned from lunch,tr nh ng cái “l h u”. he found that someone had taped a note to the signI DON’T CALL ANYONE BY THEIR FIRST that said:"Your wife called, she wants her signNAME back!" TÔI LÀ ÔNG CH !The manager of a large office noticed one of hisdepartment heads had hired a new man, so the boss Trong m t ngày kia, ông ch ang than phi n trongcalled him into his office for a little orientation cu c h p nhân viên r ng ông không ư c kính tr ngspeech. tí nào. Sau ó, trong bu i sáng hôm y, ông i t i"What is your name?" he asked. m t qu y bi n hi u trong vùng và mua m t t m "John," the new guy replied. b ng nh :” Tôi là ông ch !” The manager scowled, "Look, I dont know Sau ó ông bu c vào c a văn phòng c a ông.what kind of place you worked at before, but I dont Sau ó, trong ngày hôm ó khi ông quay l i sau khicall anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity ăn trưa, ông th y r ng ai ó ã bu c m t ghi chú vàoand that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to t m b ng ghi là:”V ông ã g i, bà y mu n l y l imy employees by their last names only - Smith, cái b ng!”Jones, Baker - thats all. I am to be referred to only THE USHER’S REVENGEas Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight,what is your last name?" A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John seated by the usher, he found that he was too farDarling." from the stage. "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you He whispered to the usher, "This is ais..." mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery closeTÔI KHÔNG G I B Y C NGƯ I NÀO up. Get me a better seat, and Ill give you aB NG TÊN RIÊNG C A H handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row,Giám c c a m t cơ quan l n chú ý m t trong and the man hands the usher a quarter.nh ng trư ng phòng c a ông ta ã thuê m t ngư i The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him,m i, vì th ông giám c g i anh ta vào cơ quan then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."nói chuy n gi i thi u trong giây lát. S TR THÙ C A NGƯ I D N CH“Tên anh là gì?” ông ta h i.“John,” nhân viên m i tr l i. M t ngư i àn ông có m t vé r p hát nhưngÔng giám c qu c m t:” Hãy xem, tôi không bi t khi ông ta ng i xu ng theo hư ng d n c a ngư i d ntrư c ây anh làm vi c cho ki u cơ quan nào, nhưng ch thì ông ta th y ra là ông ta quá xa sân kh u.tôi không g i b t c ai b ng tên riêng c a h .Nó gây Ông ta thì th m v i ngư i d n ch :” ây làra s su ng sã và i u ó d n t i vi c m t quy n v k ch bí n c a tôi, và tôi ph i xem i u bí n k tl c.Tôi nh c n ngư i làm c a tôi b ng h c a h thúc. Hãy cho tôi ch ng i t t hơn, và tôi s cho anhthôi - Smith, Jones, Baker – th thôi.Tôi ph i ư c ti n lót tay h u hĩnh.”g i là ông Robertson thôi.Vì chúng ta ã hi u i u Ngư i d n ch chuy n ông ta t i hàng gh ó rõ ràng, h c a anh là gì?” th hai, và ngư i àn ông ưa ngư i d n ch m t t 25 xen. 48 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 49. Ngư i d n ch nhìn t 25 xen, cau mày , sau AT WORK . . . you get more work for goodó cúi ngư i và thì th m:”Ngư i v làm i u ó.” behavior.WANT A DAY OFF WORK? IN PRISON . . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.So you want a day off. Lets take a look at what you AT WORK . . . you must carry around aare asking for. There are 365 days per year available security card and open all the doors for yourself.for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you IN PRISON . . . you can watch TV and playalready have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days games.available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each AT WORK . . . you get fired for watchingday away from work, you have used up 170 days, TV and playing games.leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 IN PRISON . . . you get your own toilet.minutes each day on coffee break which counts for AT WORK . . . you have to share with some23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. idiot who pees on the seat.With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another IN PRISON . . . they allow your family and46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. friends to visit.You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. AT WORK . . . you cant even speak to yourThis leaves you only 20 days per year available for family.work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your IN PRISON . . . all expenses are paid by theavailable working time is down to 15 days. We taxpayers with no work required.generously give 14 days vacation per year which AT WORK . . . you get to pay all theleaves only 1 day available for work and Ill be expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxesdarned if you are going to take that day off! from your salary to pay for prisoners.MU N NGH LÀM VI C M T NGÀY Ư? IN PRISON . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.V y là b n mu n ngh vi c m t ngày. Chúng ta hãy AT WORK . . . they are called managers.nhìn xem b n ang òi h i cái gì. So . . . why is it again that we work?Có 365 ngày m t năm làm vi c. Có 52 tu n m t NHÀ TÙ I L I NƠI LÀM VI Cnăm trong ó b n ã có s n 2 ngày nghĩ m i tu n,cho nên ch còn 261 ngày làm vi c. Vì b n dùng Trong tù ... ph n l n th i gian b n trong16 ti ng m i ngày không làm vi c, b n ã s d ng xà lim 8X10.170 ngày, ch còn 91 ngày làm vi c. B n dùng 30 T i nơi làm vi c ... ph n l n th i gian b nphút m i ngày ngh u ng cà phê, tính ra thành 23 trong căn phòng nh 6X8ngày m i năm, ch còn 68 ngày làm vi c. V i Trong tù ... b n ăn ba b a m t ngày.m t ti ng ng h ăn trưa m i ngày, b n ã dùng h t T i nơi làm vi c ... b n ch ngh m t lúc46 ngày, ch còn l i 22 ngày làm vi c. Thư ng b n ăn và b n ph i tr ti n.ngh b nh 2 ngày m i năm. i u này làm b n ch Trong tù ... B n ư c gi m th i gian vì hànhcòn 20 ngày làm vi c. Chúng ta có 5 ngày ngh l x t t.m i năm, v y nên th i gian làmvi c c a chúng ta T i nơi làm vi c ... B n nh n thêm công vi crút xu ng còn 15 ngày. Chúng ta thư ng r ng rãi vì hành x t t.ngh phép 14 ngày m t năm làm cho chúng ta ch Trong tù ... Ngư i gác c a khóa và m khóacòn m t ngày làm vi c và tôi s b nguy n r a t t c các cánh c a cho b n.n u b n tính ngh ngày ó! T i nơi làm vi c ... B n ph i mang theo m tJAIL VS WORK t m th an ninh và t m t t c các cánh c a. Trong tù ... B n có th xem tivi và chơi IN PRISON . . . you spend the majority of game.your time in an 8X10 cell. T i nơi làm vi c ... B n b u i vì xem tivi AT WORK . . . you spend the majority of và chơi game.your time in a 6X8 cubicle. Trong tù ... B n có toalét riêng. IN PRISON . . . you get three meals a day. T i nơi làm vi c ... B n ph i xài chung v i AT WORK . . . you only get a break for one th ng ng nào ó ti u lên ch ng i.meal and you have to pay for it. Trong tù ... H cho phép gia ình và b n bè IN PRISON . . . you get time off for good n thăm.behavior. 49 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 50. T i nơi làm vi c ... Th m chí n nói chuy n "And that took you three hours?" roared thev i gia ình b n cũng không th làm. boss. Trong tù ... T t c các kho n tiêu xài u ư c ngư i óng thu tr mà không òi h i b n làm RƠI QUA 12 T NG NHÀ TRONG … 3 GIvi c. T i nơi làm vi c ... B n ph i tr cho t t c M t ngư i àn ông chưa bao gi i làm tr trong 40các kho n tiêu xài i làm và sau ó ngư i ta kh u năm ã n nơi làm vi c vào bu i sáng lúctr thu t lương c a b n tr cho nh ng ngư i tù. 11:30.Ông ch nhìn tr ng tr ng và yêu c u ngư i Trong tù ... B n ph i i phó v i nh ng gác àn ông cho bi t ã i nh ng âu.ng c tàn ác. Ngư i làm công nói:” Tôi b chóng m t sáng T i nơi làm vi c ... B n ó ư c g i là nay và ngã qua c a s căn h tôi.Tôi rơi qua 12 t ngnh ng qu n tr viên. nhà và trúng vào m t h bơi.” V y ... m t l n n a t i sao chúng ta làm “Và ông rơi m t 3 gi ?” ông ch g m lên.vi c? BÁC SĨ VÀ PHÒNG M CHSECRET OF YOUR SUCCESS … WHY DO YOU WANT TO LIVE TO BE A"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter HUNDRED?asked a bank president."Two words" A man asked his doctor if hed live to be a hundred."And, Sir,what are they?" The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or"Right decisions." drink?""And how do you make right decisions?" "No," he replied, "Ive never done either.""One word." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool"And,sir, What is that?" around with women?" inquired the doctor."Experience." "No, Ive never done any of those things"And how do you get Experience?" either.""Two words" "Well then," said the doctor, "why do you"And, Sir, what are they?" want to live to be a hundred?""Wrong decisions" T I SAO ÔNG MU N S NG NM TBÍ QUY T THÀNH CÔNG C A ÔNG … TRĂM TU I?“Thưa ông, bí quy t thành công c a ông là gì?” m t M t ngư i àn ông h i bác sĩ li u ông ta có s ngphóng viên h i m t ch t ch ngân hàng. n m t trăm tu i ư c không. Ông bác sĩ h i ngư i“Ba t ” àn ông:” Ông có hút thu c hay u ng rư u không?”“Và, thưa ông, ó là nh ng t nào?” “Không,” ông ta tr l i, “Tôi chưa bao gi chơi hai“Nh ng quy t nh úng.” th y.”“Và làm th nào ông làm nh ng quy t nh úng?” “Ông có bài b c, lái nh ng chi c xe ch y nhanh“M t t .” ho c mê àn bà không?” bác sĩ h i.“Và, thưa ông, ó là nh ng t nào?” “Không, tôi cũng chưa bao gi làm nh ng vi c“Kinh nghi m.” trên.”“Và làm th nào ông có kinh nghi m?” “V y thì,” bác sĩ nói, “ t i sao ông mu n s ng n“Ba t .” m t trăm tu i?”“Và, thưa ông, nh ng t nào?” YOUR FIRST TIME“Nh ng quy t nh sai.”PLUNGING 12 FLOORS IN … THREE HOURS It’s your first time and as you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while, searching forA man who had never been late for work in 40 years an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed.arrived one morning at 11.30. The boss glared and As he approaches you, he asks if you aredemanded to know where hed been. afraid. The employee said, "I had a giddy turn this You shake your head bravely. He has hadmorning and fell through a window in my flat. I more experience but it’s the first time his finger hasplunged 12 floors and landed in a swimming pool." found the right place. 50 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 51. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body Anh y b t u chuy n ng vào và ra m ttenses but he is gentle as he promised he would be. cách khéo léo nhưng b n ã ch t l ng i c mHe looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to nh n anh y trong b n. Sau m t vài kho ng kh ctrust him, he has done this many times before. His iên cu ng, b n c m th y m t cái gì ó n tungcool smile relaxes you and you open wider trong con ngư i b n và anh y gi t nó ra kh i b n.to give him more room for easy entrance. B n n m th h n h n và vui m ng i u ó ã qua. You begin to plead with him to hurry, but he Anh y nhìn b n m m cư i n ng m, nói v i b nslowly takes his time wanting to cause you as little r ng b n là s tr i nghi m ngoan cư ng nhưng ángpain as possible. thư ng nh t c a anh y. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel B n m m cư i và c m ơn nha sĩ c a b n. Sauthe tissue give away. Pain surges throughout your cùng, ó là l n u tiên b n ư c ngư i ta nh răng.body and you feel a slight trickle of blood. He DOC, EVERYTHING HURTS!continues and looks at you with a concerned lookand asks you if it’s too painful. A man went to the Doctor and when the Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake Doctor asked him what was wrong, the man said "your head and nod for him to go on. Doc every where I touch hurts, I can touch my He begins moving in and out with skill but you head,leg, arm or my face and it hurts."are too numb to feel him within you. After a few The Doctor said "let’s take some x-rays sofrenzied moments, you feel something burst within we can find out."you and he pulls it out of you. You lay panting and After a while the Doctor came back and toldglad to have it over. He looks at you smiling the man " I found out what’s wrong with you. Yourwarmly, tells you that you have been his most finger is broken."stubborn but yet rewarding experience. BÁC SĨ ƠI, AU TH ! You smile and thank your dentist. After all itwas your first time having a tooth pulled. M t ngư i àn ông i bác sĩ và khi bác sĩ h iL N U TIÊN C A B N anh ta có i u gì không n, ngư i àn ông nói:”Bác sĩ, m i nơi tôi s u au, tôi có th s u, chân, ó là l n u tiên c a b n và trong khi b n cánh tay ho c m t và b au.”n m ng a, các cơ c a b n th t l i.B n làm anh y Bác sĩ nói:” Chúng ta hãy chi u x-quangb i r i m t lát, tìm m t cái c , nhưng anh y t ch i chúng ta có th tìm ra b nh.”b b n thay i ý ki n. M t lúc sau, bác sĩ quay l i và nói v i ngư i Trong lúc anh y ti p c n b n, anh y h i àn ông:” tôi ã tìm ra ông b ch ng gì. Ngón tayb n có s không. c a ông b gãy.” B n l c u m t cách dũng c m. Anh y ã DO YOU HAVE AN OBSESSION?có nhi u kinh nghi m nhưng ây là l n u tiênngón tay anh y ã tìm úng ch . A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy Anh ta thăm dò sâu và b n rùng mình; cơ th session with four young mothers and their smallb n căng th ng nhưng anh y nh nhàng như anh y children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. Toh a anh y s như th . Anh y nhìn sâu vào ôi m t the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed withb n và b o b n tin anh ta, anh ta ã làm i u này eating. Youve even named your daughter Candy."nhi u l n trư c ây. N cư i tr m tĩnh c a anh y He turned to the second Mom. "Yourlàm b n b t căng th ng và b n m r ng hơn anh obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in y có nhi u ch hơn d vào hơn. your childs name, Penny." B n b t u xin anh y nhanh lên, nhưng anh He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession y t t theo úng th i i m mu n làm cho b n ít is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your childs au nh t mà anh y có th . name, Brandy." Trong lúc anh y si t ch t sát hơn, vào sâu At this point, the fourth mother got up, tookhơn, b n c m th y mô ư c l y i.S au n tràn her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on,dâng kh p ngư i b n và b n c m nh n m t dòng Dick, lets go.máu nh .Anh y ti p t c và nhìn vào b n v i m t B N CÓ B ÁM NH KHÔNG?cái nhìn quan tâm và h i b n có au n l m không. M t b n y nư c m t, nhưng b n l c u và M t bác sĩ tâm th n h c ang i u khi n m tg t u cho anh y ti p t c. bu i h p li u pháp tâm lý nhóm v i b n bà m tr 51 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 52. và nh ng a con nh c a h . “T t c các b n u A week later, the patient was back, lookingcó ám nh,” ông ta nh n xét. V i ngư i m u tiên, even more tired andông ta nói:”Bà b ăn u ng ám nh.Bà th m chí t distressed. "Didnt thetên con gái là Candy1.” pills work?" asked the doctor. Ông ta quay sang ngư i m th hai:”Am nh "No," the patient sobbed. "Ive been up everyc a bà là ti n b c. Cũng v y, nó t bi u th qua tên night chasing those damn dogs, and even if I catch a tr c a bà: Penny2.” one, it wont swallow the pill." Ông ta quay sang ngư i m th ba:”Am nh BÁC SĨ, TÔI KHÔNG NG Ư Cc a bà là rư u. Cũng v y, nó t bi u th qua tên atr c a bà: Brandy3” M t bu i sáng, m t bác sĩ ti p nh n m t b nh nhân Vào lúc này, ngư i m th tư ng d y, c m trông ph ph c nh t mà ông t ng bi t. “Tôi khôngtay chú nhóc và thì th m:” i thôi, Dick4, chúng ta ng ư c,” ngư i b nh nói. “M y con chó trên i thôi.” ư ng bên ngoài c a s tôi s a su t êm và làm tôiTO SAVE A FEW BUCKS phát iên!” “ ó,” bác sĩ nói nh nhàng. “Hãy th nh ng viênA sick man went to a doctor he hadnt visited before. thu c ng m i này.”As he entered the surgery, he noticed a sign: "$20 M t tu n sau, b nh nhân quay l i, trông có v m tfirst visit, $10 subsequent visits." m i hơn và ki t s c hơn. To save a few bucks, he greeted the doctor “M y viên thu c có tác d ng không?” bác sĩ h i.by saying, "Nice to see you again." The doctor “Không,” b nh nhân than th .”Tôi ã s n sàng m inodded his hello, then began the examination, his t i rư t nh ng con chó kh n ki p ó và ngay c khiexpression turning grave as he poked and prodded. tôi tóm ư c m t con, nó không nu t viên thu c.” "Doctor, what is it?" the patient asked. A NIGHT AT THE ASYLUM"What should I do?" "Well," the doctor said, putting down his Late one night at the insane asylum onestethoscope. "Just keep doing the same thing I told inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"you to do the last time you were here." Another one said, "How do you know?" First inmate answers, "Winston Churchill TI T KI M M T VÀI Ô LA told me!" Just then, a voice from another roomM t ngư i àn ông b b nh i m t bác sĩ mà ông ta shouted, "I did NOT!"chưa bao gi khám b nh trư c ây.Khi ông ta i vào M T ÊM DƯ NG TRÍ VI Nphòng khám, ông ta chú ý m t t m b ng:”20 ô lal n khám u tiên, 10 ô la cho nh ng l n ti p M t êm khuya dư ng trí vi n m t b nhtheo.” nhân la lên:” Ta là Napoleon!” ti t ki m m t vài ô la, ông ta chào bác sĩ b ng M t b nh nhân khác nói:”Làm sao màycách nói:”Hân h nh g p l i ông.” Ông bác sĩ g t u bi t?”trư c l i chào c a ông ta, sau ó b t u khám, nét B nh nhân kia nói:” Winston Churchil nóim t ông ta t i d n khi ông ta ch c vào. v i tao!”“Bác sĩ, cái gì v y?” b nh nhân h i.” Tôi nên làm Ngay lúc ó, m t gi ng nói t phòng kia lagì?” lên:” Tao không nói!”“À,” bác sĩ t ng nghe xu ng nói:”Ch c n làm CÁC CON V T i u tôi d n ông l n trư c ông t i ây.”DOCTOR, I CAN’T SLEEP KING OF THE JUNGLE...One morning, a doctor received the most haggard A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdylooking patient he had ever seen. "I cant sleep," the and mean. He went out and cornered a smallpatient said. "The dogs in the street outside my monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all junglewindow bark all night long and its driving me animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are,mad!" mighty lion!" "There now," said the doctor soothingly. "Try Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercelythese new sleeping pills." bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle 52 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 53. animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, BILINGUAL PARROTyou are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" Then, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. There heroars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast sees a parrot with a purple string tied to its left legas lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with and a brown string tied to its right leg. He asks thehis trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen shop keeper the significance of the strings. "Well,times. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the purplelooks like a corn tortilla and rambles away. string he speaks in French and if you pull the brown The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head string he speaks in German," replies the owner.weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because "Really! And what happens if I pull both theyou dont know the answer, you dont have to get so strings?" the curious shopper asks. "I fall off myupset about it!" perch you stupid fool!!" screeches the parrot.CHÚA T R NG XANH ... CON V T NÓI HAI TH TI NG M t con sư t th c gi c vào m t bu i sáng M t ngư i àn ông i ti ng hàng nh ng con v tc m th y m t tr t t và kém c i. Nó i ra ngoài và c nh mua m t con v t. ó ông ta th y m t cond n m t con kh nh vào góc và g m lên:”Ai là v t v i m t dây màu tía bu c vào chân trái c a nó vàngư i hùng m nh nh t c a muông thú r ng xanh?” m t dây màu nâu bu c vào chân ph i c a nó. Ông taCon kh run r y nói:”Ngài, thưa ngài sư t vĩ i !” h i ch hàng ý nghĩa c a nh ng s i dây. “À, ây là Sau ó, sư t ng u m t con bò và r ng m t con v t ư c hu n luy n công phu. N u ônglên mãnh li t:”Ai là ngư i hùng m nh nh t c a gi t s i dây màu tía, nó nói ti ng Pháp và n u ôngmuông thú r ng xanh?” Con bò ho ng s l p b p:” gi t s i dây màu nâu, nó nói ti ng c,” ông ch trthưa ngài sư t vĩ i, ngài là thú r ng vĩ i nh t l i. “V y à! Và cái gì x y ra n u tôi gi t c hai s itrong r ng !” giây?” ngư i khách tò mò h i. “Tao ngã kh i ch Ti p theo, sư t vênh váo i t i m t con voi u, th ng ngu!!” con v t thét lên.và g m lên:”Ai là ngư i hùng m nh nh t c a muông TRAINED CATthú r ng xanh?” Nhanh như ch p, con voi dùng vòich p con sư t , p nó vào m t thân cây n a tá Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To myl n.Sau ó con voi d m lên con sư t cho t i khi nó distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa astrông như m t cái bánh b p r i bư c i. a scratching post. "Dont worry," my husband Con sư t b t ra m t ti ng kêu au n, nâng reassured me. "Ill have him trained in no time." u lên m t cách y u t và kêu phía sau con I watched for several days as my husbandvoi:”Ch b i vì ông không bi t câu tr l i, ông ng patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the catcó quá khó ch u v i u ó !” scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors toA GOOD CHESS PLAYER teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the next 16A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find years, whenever he wanted to go outside, hehim playing chess with his dog. He watched the scratched the back of the sofa.game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly CHÚ MÈO Ư C HU N LUY Nbelieve my eyes!" he exclaimed. "Thats the smartestdog Ive ever seen." a con gái tr c a chúng tôi nuôi m t con mèo l c. "Nah, hes not so smart," the friend replied. Nhưng chú ta b t u dùng phía sau c a cái gh xôfa"Ive beaten him three games out of five." m i c a chúng tôi làm nơi cào trong n i bu n c aM T KỲ TH GI I tôi.” ng lo,” ch ng tôi cam oan. “Anh s cho nó ư c hu n luy n trong không bao lâu.”M t ngư i àn ông i thăm m t ngư i b n và kinh Tôi quan sát vài ngày trong khi ch ng tôi kiên nh nng c th y r ng anh ta chơi c v i con chó anh ta. “hu n luy n” con v t nuôi m i.C m i khi con mèoAnh ta nhìn cu c chơi trong s kinh ng c trong m t cào, ch ng tôi l i t chú ta ngoài c a d y nó m tlúc. “Tôi h u như không tin vào m t mình!” anh ta bài h c.kêu lên. “ ó là con chó thông minh nh t mà tôi t ng Con mèo h c th t nhanh. Trong 16 năm ti p theo,th y.” m i khi chú ta mu n ra ngoài, chú ta l i cào phía sau“Không, nó không quá thông minh,” ngư i b n tr c a chi c xôfa.l i. “Tôi ánh b i nó ba trong năm ván.” PARROT BUYING 53 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 54. A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop "No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please dont! Ifowner points to three identical looking parrots on a that man finds out I can talk, hell make me answerperch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 the phone, too!"dollars". M T CON CHÓ BI T NÓI "Why does the parrot cost so much?" thecustomer asks. M t ngư i bán hàng t t vào thăm m t b n hàng. The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a Không có ngư i nào trong văn phòng tr m t concomputer." chó l n ang d n tr ng nh ng gi rác. Ngư i bán The customer asks about the next parrot and hàng nhìn ch m ch m vào con thú, kinh ng c khôngis told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can bi t trí tư ng tư ng có áng l a ông ta không. Condo everything the other parrot can do plus it knows chó nhìn lên và nói:” ng ng c nhiên. ây ch làhow to use the UNIX operating system." m t ph n công vi c c a tôi.” Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks “ Không th tin ư c!” ngư i àn ông kêu lên. “Tôiabout the third parrot and is told "That one costs không tin! Ông ch b n có bi t ông ta có m t th2,000 dollars." c a tr i cho trong con ngư i b n hay không? M t Needless to say this begs the question "What con chó bi t nói!”can IT do?" “Không, không,” con chó nài n . “Xin ng! N u To which the owner replies "To be honest I ông y bi t tôi có th nói, ông ta s bu c tôi tr l ihave never seen it do a thing but the other two call i n tho i n a!”him boss!" GOT A PET …MUA V T The guy was lonely, and decided life would be moreM t ngư i àn ông i t i m t hàng bán nh ng con fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store andv t c nh mua m t con v t.Ch hàng ch ba con told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.v t gi ng h t nhau trong m t cái l ng và nói:”Con After some discussion, he finally bought av t bên trái giá 500 ô la.” centipede, which came in a little white box to use for“T i sao nó cao giá quá v y?” khách h i. his house.Ngư i ch áp:”À, nó bi t cách s d ng máy vi He took the box back home, found a good locationtính.” for the box, and decided he would start off by takingNgư i khách h i v con v t ti p theo và ư c b o his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked“Con v t ó giá 1000 ô la vì nó có th làm m i vi c the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go tonh ng con v t khác bi t làm thêm vào nó có th Franks with me and have a beer?" But there was nodùng h i u hành UNIX.” answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit,C nhiên, ngư i àn ông càng lúc càng kinh ng c but he waited a few minutes and then asked himh i v con v t th ba và ư c cho bi t “Con ó giá again, "How about going to the bar and having a2.000 ô la.” drink with me?"Không c n nói i u này ã c p n câu h i “NÓ But again, there was no answer from his new friendcó th làm gì?” and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking i v i câu h i ó, ngư i ch áp:”Nói th t tôi chưa about the situation.th y nó làm gì nhưng hai con kia g i nó là ch !” He decided to ask him one more time; this timeA DOG THAT CAN TALK putting his face up against the centipedes house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go toA salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Franks place and have a drink with me?"Not a soul was in the office except a big dog A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you theemptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the first time! Im putting on my shoes."animal, wondering if his imagination could be MUA M T CON V T C NH …playing tricks on him. The dog lookedup and said, "Dont be surprised. This is just part of Có m t gã cô ơn, và quy t nh r ng cu cmy job." s ng s vui hơn n u anh ta có m t con v t c nh.Vì "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I cant th anh ta n m t hàng v t c nh và nói v i ngư ibelieve it! Does your boss know what a prize he has ch r ng anh ta mu n mua m t con v t khácin you? An animal that can talk!" thư ng.Sau m t vài trao i, cu i cùng anh ta mua 54 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 55. m t con r t, ư c t vào m t h p tr ng nh dùng figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air andlàm nhà cho nó. maybe that will sober him up. Anh ta em h p v nhà, tìm m t ch t t cho Once outside he stands up and falls flat on hiscái h p và quy t nh anh ta s b t u b ng cách face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up ưa con v t c nh m i t i m t bar u ng rư u.Vì and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the doorth anh ta h i con r t trong h p:” B n có mu n i and up the stairs. n bar Frank v i tôi và u ng bia?” Nhưng không có When he reaches his bed he tries one moreti ng tr l i t phía con v t c nh m i. i u này làm time to stand up. This time he falls right into bedanh ta hơi b c mình, nhưng anh ta i m t vài phút and is sound asleep.và sau ó h i nó l i:” i t i bar và u ng v i tôi He awakens the next morning. His wifenhé?” stands over him shouting at him. "So, youve been Nhưng m t l n n a không có ti ng tr l i t out drinking again!!"phía ngư i b n m i và là con v t c nh.Vì th anh ta "How did you know?" he asks. i m t vài phút n a, nghĩ ng i v tình hình. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair Anh ta quy t nh h i nó m t l n n a; l n there againnày m t anh ta áp vào nhà con r t và nói to:” I CHƠI U NG RƯ U SU T ÊM ...Này, ng y! B n có mu n i n ch Frank vàu ng v i tôi?” M t ngư i àn ông Ai-len u ng rư u trong M t ti ng nói nh v ng ra kh i h p:” Tôi quán su t êm. Cu i cùng ngư i ph c v nói r ngnghe anh ngay t u. Tôi ang mang giày.” qu y bar ph i óng c a. Nghe v y ông ta ng lênSAY RƯ U i ra và té n ng. Ông ta tính bò ra ngoài và hít th không khí trong lành và có th i u ó làm ông taWHERE IS MY WHEELCHAIR? t nh táo. Khi ra ngoài, ông ta ng lên và l i té th ngA man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide c ng. Vì th ông ta bò v nhà và t i c a ông ta ngto be good samaritans and get him home. lên và l i té n ng. Ông ta bò xuyên qua c a và lên So they pick him up off the floor, and drag l u.him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls Khi ng giư ng, ông ta c ng lên l ndown three times. When they get to his house, they n a. L n này ông ta ngã th ng vào giư ng và yênhelp him out of the car and, he falls down four more gi c ng .times. Ông ta th c gi c vào sáng hôm sau. V ông They ring the bell, and one says, "Heres your ta ng ó kêu lên: “V y là ông l i i chơi u nghusband!" rư u n a r i !” The mans wife says, "Where the hell is his “Làm sao em bi t?” ông ta h i.wheelchair?" “Quán h g i, ông l i xe lăn ó n aCÁI XE LĂN C A TÔI ÂU R I? kìa.” THIS IS MY HOUSE M t ngư i àn ông t i m t bar, say th cs . M t s ngư i àn ông quy t nh m t m lòng The Policeman had stopped the man for obvioust t và ưa ông ta v nhà. drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean H nâng ông ta kh i sàn nhà, kéo ông ta ra record, he made him park the car and took him homec a. Khi kéo ra xe, ông ta ngã xu ng ba l n. Khi i in the patrol car.t i nhà, h giúp ông ta ra kh i xe và ông ta ngã thêm "Are you sure this is your house?" the copb n l n n a. asked as they drove into a rather fashionable H b m chuông, và m t ngư i nói:”Ch ng neighborhood.bà ây!” "Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if youll Ngư i v nói:”Cái xe lăn c a ông y n m just open the door fme, I can prove it to ya."nơi ch t ti t nào r i?” Entering the living room, he said, "You shee thatOUT ALL NIGHT DRINHKING ... piano? Thash mine.You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me."An Irishmans been at a pub all night drinking. The The police officer followed the man as hebartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. Thestands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He drunk pushed open the first door they came to. 55 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 56. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the "I cant do that, officer."bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the "Why not?"bed? Thash my wife. "Because Im drunk." An see that guy lying next to her? M T TÀI X SAY X N KHÔNG BAO GI CÓ "Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. TH B PH TBeginning at this point to seriously doubt the mansstory. M t sĩ quan c nh sát l nh cho xe m t gã "Well, thash me!" ánh võng trên các làn ư ng t t vào v ư ng. ÂY LÀ NHÀ TÔI c a s xe, viên c nh sát nói:”Thưa ông, tôi c n ông th i vào ng máy phân tích hơi th .” Viên c nh sát ngưng m t ngư i àn ông l i Ngư i àn ông nói:”Xin l i, thưa ông, tôivì t i say rư i lái xe rõ ràng, nhưng vì gã có ti n s không th làm v y. Tôi m c b nh hen. N u tôi làmtrong s ch, viên c nh sát cho ông ta d ng xe và ưa v y, tôi s lên cơn suy n n ng th t s .”ông ta v nhà trên xe tu n tra. “ ư c r i, không sao. Tôi c n ông i xu ng “Ông có ch c ch n ây là nhà ông không?” n ưa m u máu.”c nh sát h i khi h lái vào m t khu có v sang tr ng. “Tôi cũng không th làm v y. Tôi b m c “S c r i!” gã say áp, “và n u ch c n ông ch ng máu khó ông. N u tôi làm v y, tôi s ch ym cánh c a ch tôi, tôi có th ch ng minh cho ông.” máu t i ch t.” i vào phòng khách, ông ta nói:”Ông có s y cái “ ư c r i, v y thì chúng tôi c n m t m upiano ó không? á là c a tôi.Ông có s y cái tivi nư c ti u.”kh ng l ó không? á cũng là c a tôi. Bây gi theo “Xin l i, thưa ông, tôi cũng không th làmtôi.” v y. Tôi cũng b m c b nh ti u ư ng n a. N u tôi Viên c nh sát theo ngư i àn ông trong lúc làm v y, tôi s b h ư ng huy t th t s .”gã chân nam á chân chiêu vư t qua c u thang n “Cũng ư c, th thì tôi c n ông bư c rat ng hai. Gã say y cánh c a u tiên h ngoài ây và i b trên ư ng k tr ng này.” n.” ây...ây... là...à... phòng ng c a tôi,” gã tuyên “Tôi không th i như th , thưa ông sĩ quan.”b .”S y cái giư ng kia không? ó là c a tôi! S y “T i sao không?”ngư i àn bà kia n m trên giư ng không? ó...ó... “Vì tôi say rư u.”là v tôi. NH NG CH KHÁC Và có th y gã kia n m sát cô ta không?” “ ?” ông cò tr l i gi ng nghi ng . T gi THE EMINENT SCHOLAR AND THE MANông cò b t u nghi ng câu chuy n c a gã àn ôngth t s . Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar woke “À, ó...ó... là tôi!” up the sleeping man alongside him to ask if heA NEVER-CAN-BE-FINED DRUNK DRIVER would like to play a game. "Ill ask you a question," he explained, "and if you dont know what the A police officer pulls over this guy whos answer is, you pay me $5. Then you ask me abeen weaving in and out of the lanes. question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you At the guys window he says, "Sir, I need $50."you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." When the man agreed to play, the scholar The man says, "Sorry, officer, I cant do that. asked, "Whats the distance from the earth to theI am an asthmatic. If I do that, Ill have a really bad moon?" Having no idea, the man handed him $5.asthma attack." "Ha!" announced the scholar. "Its 384,392 "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the kilometres. Now its your turn."station to give a blood sample." The man was silent for a few moments. Then "I cant do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I he asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs anddo that, Ill bleed to death." comes down with four?" "Well, then, we need a urine sample." Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an "Im sorry, officer, I cant do that either. I am hour to no avail.also a diabetic. If I do that, Ill get really low blood Finally he took out his wallet and handedsugar." over $50. "OK, what is the answer?" he asked. "All right, then I need you to come out here The man said, "I dont know," pulled out a $5and walk this white line." note, handed it to the scholar and went back to sleep. 56 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 57. V H C GI N I TI NG VÀ NGƯ I ÀN Ông lão nông dân áp:” , m t s ngư i nói hÔNG không ch t, nhưng ông bi t nh ng chính tr gia h nói láo như th nào.” Chán ng t vì chuy n bay dài, m t h c gi n i CREATIVE …ti ng ánh th c ngư i àn ông n m ng k bên h iông ta có mu n chơi m t trò chơi không. “Tôi s h i This man was going up to bed when his wife toldông m t câu h i,” ông ta gi i thích, “và n u ông him that hed left the light on in the garden shed,không bi t câu tr l i, ông tr tôi 5 ô la.Sau ó ông which she could see from the bedroom window.h i tôi m t câu h i, và n u tôi không bi t câu tr l i, Then he looked for himself and saw that there weretôi s tr ông 50 ô la.” people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the Khi ngư i àn ông ng ý chơi, h c gi police, but they told him that no one was in his areah i:”Kho ng cách t Trái t t i M t trăng là bao to help, so he said ok, hung up, counted to 30, andnhiêu?” Không có ý ki n gì, ngư i àn ông ưa ông phoned the police again.ta 5 ô la. “Ha!” h c gi cho bi t, “384.392 kilômet. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago becauseBây gi t i lư t ông.” there were people in my shed. Well, you dont have Ngư i àn ông im l ng trong giây lát. Sau ó to worry about them now cause Ive just shot themông ta h i:”Cái gì i lên i v i ba chân và xu ng all." i v i b n chân?” Within five minutes there were half a dozen police Lúng túng, h c gi bóp trán trong m t ti ng cars in the area, an Armed Response unit. Of course,mà không có k t qu gì. they caught the burglars red-handed. Cu i cùng ông ta l y bóp ra và ưa 50 ô la. One of the policeman said to this man: "I thought“ ư c r i, câu tr l i là gì?” ông ta h i. you said that youd shot them!" Ngư i àn ông nói:”Tôi không bi t,” lôi ra He replied "I thought you said there was nobodym t t 5 ô la, ưa cho h c gi và n m ng tr l i. available!"THE POLITICIANS AND A FARMER M N TI P …A bus load of politicians were driving down a Ngư i àn ông này s p i ng thì v ông nói v icountry road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the ông r ng ông ã sáng èn nhà vư n, bà có throad and crashed into a tree in an old farmers field. th y t c a s phòng ng .Sau ó ông t nhìn quanhThe old farmer after seeing what happened went và th y có vài ngư i tronh nhà vư n ăn tr m .over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole Ông g i i n cho c nh sát, nhưng h nói v i ôngand bury the politicians. r ng không có ai trong khu v c ông giúp , vì A few days later, the local sheriff came out, th ông nói ư c thôi, treo máy, m n 30, và g isaw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, l i cho c nh sát."Were they ALL dead?" “Xin chào. Tôi v a m i g i ông m t vài giây trư c The old farmer replied, vì có ngư i trong nhà vư n tôi.À, bây gi ông "Well, some of them said they werent, but không ph i lo l ng v chúng b i vì tôi v a m i b nyou know how them politicians lie." t t c chúng nó.”CÁC CHÍNH TR GIA VÀ BÁC NÔNG DÂN Trong vòng năm phút có n a tá xe c nh sát n khu v c, m t ơn v Ph n ng vũ trang.Dĩ nhiên, h b tM t xe buýt ch nh ng chính tr gia ang lái xu ng qu tang nh ng k tr m êm.m t con ư ng ng quê thì t nhiên chi c xe ch y M t viên c nh sát nói v i ngư i àn ông này:” Tôira kh i ư ng và âm s m vào m t cây trên cánh nghĩ ông nói r ng ông ã b n chúng nó!” ng c a m t ông già nông dân. Ông già nông dân, Ông ta tr l i:”Tôi nghĩ ông nói không có ai chu nsau khi th y i u gì x y ra, ã i t i xem xét. b s n trong khu v c!”Ti p sau ó ông ào m t cái l và chôn các nhà THE PAYBACKchính tr .M t vài ngày sau, viên c nh sát trư ng a phương Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his i ra ngoài, th y chi c xe buýt trong v âm vào friends were married, Bill made sure some type ofthân cây, và sau ó h i bác nông dân:”H ch t h t practical joke was played upon them. Now ready toà?” be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming. 57 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 58. Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without Calling her into his office, he asked, "By thea hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks doorreason why this couple should not be married. His open, did you also see a soldier standing atreception wasnt disrupted by streakers or smoke- attention?"bombs, and the car the couple was to take The secretary replied, "Why no sir, but I didon their honeymoon was in perfect working order. see a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel When the couple arrived at their hotel and bags..."entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes M T C U BINH Y U T B T L Cin the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, itseemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away M t viên tư ng v hưu thuê m t cô thư ký m i. Côunscathed, the couple fell into bed. ta tr , d thương và l phép. M t ngày kia, trong khi Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill ang vi t nh ng l i ông tư ng c thì cô ý th ycalled down to room service and asked, "Id like to dây kéo c a ông m ra.order breakfast for two." Khi r i phòng, cô l ch s nói:” , à này, thưa ông, At that moment, a soft voice from under the ông có bi t r ng c a doang tr i c a ông ư c mbed said, "Make that five." ra?”TR ŨA Ông ta không hi u l i nh c c a cô ta, nhưng sau ó, ông ta ng u nhiên nhìn xu ng và th y phéc mơ tuyaBill ã luôn là m t tay chơi khăm. Lúc m i trong s ư c m ra. Ông ta quy t nh ùa nhân viên m i.nh ng ngư i b n c a anh ta k t hôn thì Bill ch c G i cô ta vào văn phòng, ông h i: “À này, cô Jones,ch n bày ra m t ki u chơi ác chơi h . Bây gi khi cô th y c a doanh tr i c a tôi m , cô cũng th y n lư t b n thân anh ta s p cư i, anh ta s s tr luôn m t ngư i lính ng nghiêm ch ?” ũa anh ta bi t ang n. Cô thư ký tr l i: “T i sao không, thưa ông, nhưng áng ng c nhiên là l cư i di n ra không có tr ng i tôi th y rõ ràng m t c u binh nh y u t b t l cgì. Không ai ng lên trong lúc t m ngh ưa ra ng i trên hai túi l …“lý do “ t i sao c p này không nên cư i nhau”. Ti c CALMING YOUR SON …chiêu ãi c a anh ta không b phá ám b i nh ngngư i ch y không qu n áo ho c nh ng bom khói, vàchi c xe hơi c a c p v ch ng ph i m nhi m tu n In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart whichtrăng m t c a h ch y hoàn h o. contained a screaming, bellowing baby. TheKhi c p v ch ng n khách s n và vào phòng, Bill gentleman kept repeating softly, "Dont get excited,th m chí ki m tra có bánh b p nư ng trên giư ng Albert; dont scream, Albert; dont yell, Albert; keepkhông (m t th anh ta luôn ưa thích). Không có gì là calm, Albert."b y b c , có v như v y. Hài lòng r ng mình ã i A woman standing next to him said, "You certainlyxa vô s , c p v ch ng ngã vào giư ng ng . are to be commended for trying to soothe your son,Khi th c d y, hai ngư i c m th y ói c n cào, vì th Albert."Bill g i xu ng phòng ph c v và yêu c u:” Tôi The man looked at her and said, "Lady, Im Albert."mu n t ăn sáng cho hai ngư i.” D CON TRAI ÔNG …Vào ngay lúc y, m t gi ng nói nh nhàng t dư ig m giư ng c t lên:” Làm năm luôn.” Trong siêu th có m t ngư i àn ông yDISABLE VETERAN m t chi c xe có m t a bé thét r ng lên. Quý ông này luôn nói i nói l i m t cách nh nhàng:” ngA retired General hired a new secretary. She was b kích ng, Albert; ng kêu th t thanh, Albert;young, sweet and polite. One day while taking ng la hét, Albert; hãy bình tĩnh, Albert.”dictation, she noticed his fly was open. M t bà ng c nh ông ta nói:” Ông nh t When leaving the room, she courteously said, nh ph i ư c khen vì c g ng d con trai ông,"Oh by the way sir, did you know that your barracks Albert.”door was open"? Ngư i àn ông nhìn bà ta và nói:”Thưa bà, He didnt understand her remark, but later, he tôi là Albert.”happened to look down and saw his zipper was YOU’RE SMARTER ALREADY!open. He decided to have some fun with his newemployee. A customer at Greens Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietors quick wit and intelligence. 58 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 59. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?" They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of "I wouldnt share my secret with just money; moved to town; set up their computers; gotanyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the squared away; and began designing theirother shoppers wont hear. "But since youre a good questionnaires and such.and faithful customer, Ill let you in on it. Fish heads. While the staff was busy getting ready forYou eat enough of them, youll be positively their big research effort, the project director decidedbrilliant." to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He "You sell them here?" the customer asks. sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and "Only $4 apiece," says Green. while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what The customer buys three. A week later, hes his purpose was in town, then asked him if he hadback in the store complaining that the fish heads any idea why the birth rate was so high.were disgusting and he isnt any smarter. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the "You didnt eat enough, " says Green. The six oclock train comes through here and blows forcustomer goes home with 20 more the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, itsfish heads. Two weeks later, hes back and this time too late to go back to sleep, and its too early to gethes really angry. up." "Hey, Green," he says, "Youre selling me LÝ DOfish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the wholefish for $2. Youre ripping me off!" M t th xã nh nông thôn có m t trong "You see?" says Green. "Youre smarter nh ng t l sinh cao nh t nư c và hi n tư ng này thualready." hút s chú ý c a các nhà xã h i h c c a i h cÔNG Ã THÔNG MINH HƠN R I qu c gia.H vi t m t d án tr c p; nh n m t s ti n l n; i n th xã; t nh ng máy i n toán; x p tM t khách hàng t i hàng t p ph m Greens Gourmet tinh tươm; và b t u l p nh ng b n câu h i vàl y làm l v tài m n ti p vàtrí thông minh c a ông nh ng vi c c n thi t khác.ch hàng. Trong khi nhóm làm vi c ang b n r n“Hãy nói cho tôi bi t, Green, cái gì làm cho ông quá chu n b s n sàng cho c g ng nghiên c u l n c athông minh như v y?” h thì ngư i i u khi n d án quy t nh i n nhà“ Tôi h n không chia s bí quy t c a tôi v i b t c thu c a phương u ng m t ly cà phê.Ông ta ng ingư i nào,” Green áp, h th p gi ng sao cho nh ng xu ng c nh qu y, kêu m t ly cà phê, và trong khingư i mua hàng khác không nghe. “Nhưng vì ông là ông ta u ng ông ta nói v i ngư i bán dư c ph mkhách hàng t t và có lương tâm, tôi s ch ông cách ông ta ây vì m c ích gì, sau ó h i ông ta có ý ó. u cá. Ông ăn u cá, ông s thông minh ki n gì vì sao t l sinh l i cao.ch c ch n.” “ ư c,” ngư i bán dư c ph m nói. “M i“ Ông có bán u cá ây không?” ngư i khách h i. bu i sáng lúc sáu gi xe l a i ngang ây và n i còi“Ch 4 ôla m i cái, “ Green nói. băng qua. Nó áng th c m i ngư i, và, y, lúcNgư i khách mua mua 3 cái. M t tu n sau, ông ta y quá tr ng l i, và quá s m ra kh iquay l i qu y hàng, than r ng u cá áng t m và giư ng.”ông ta không thông minh lên tí nào. HEARING VOICES“ Ông ã ăn không ,” Green nói. Ngư i khách rav v i 20 u cá n a. Hai tu n sau, ông ta quay l i A guy gets home from work one night and hears avà l n này ông ta n i gi n th c s . voice. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your“ Nè, Green,” ông ta nói, “ Ông bán u cá cho tôi 4 house, take your money, go to Vegas." ôla m i cái trong khi tôi có th mua 2 ôla c con. The man is disturbed at what he hears andÔng ang l a tôi!” ignores the voice.“Ông xem?” Green nói. “Ông ã thông minh hơn.” The next day when he gets home from work,THE REASON the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to A little rural town had one of the highest Vegas."birth rates in the country and this phenomenon Again the man ignores the voice, though heattracted the attention of the sociologists at the state is very troubled by the event.university. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit 59 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 60. your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Ngư i àn ông i ti n l y ph nh và t t t c vào sVegas." 17 m t cách lo l ng.Ngư i quay rulet chúc anh ta Each time the man hears the voice he may m n và quay bánh xe rulet.becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two Bàn tròn xoay vòng vòng.Ngư i àn ông lo l ngweeks, he succumbs to the pressure.He does quit his nhìn qu c u trong lúc nó t t gi m t c cho t ijob, sells his house, takes his money and heads to khi nó d ng l i s … 21.Vegas. Gi ng nói lên ti ng:”C c th t … “ The moment the man gets off the plane in ORGANIC VEGETABLESVegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Ballys." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so IBallys. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the asked my wife to go over to the local market andvoice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." buy some organic vegetables. The man does as he is told. When he gets to She came back rather upset. When I askedthe roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your her what was wrong she said, "I dont think I likemoney on 17." that produce guy. I went and looked around for your Nervously, the man cashes in his money for organic vegetables and I couldnt find any. So Ichips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer asked him where the organic vegetables were.wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette "He didnt know what I was talking about so Iwheel. said, These vegetables are for my husband. Have The ball goes round and round. The man they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed "And he said, No, maam. Youll have to dountil finally it settles into number . . . 21. that yourself." The voice says, "Shit..." RAU H U CƠNH NG GI NG NÓI NGHE Ư C Vào m t ngày n , n lư t tôi chu n b b a ăn, vìVào m t bu i t i, m t ngư i àn ông i làm v và th tôi nói v tôi i t i siêu th a phương và muanghe m t gi ng nói.Gi ng này c t ti ng:” Hãy b m t s rau h u cơ1.ngh , bán nhà, l y ti n, i t i Vegas (Las Vegas – Nàng ra v hơi th t v ng. Khi tôi h i nàng i u gìthành ph c b c n i ti ng c a M – ND).” x y ra thì nàng áp:”Em không nghĩ em thích s nNgư i àn ông b i r i khi nghe i u này và ph t l ph m ó anh .Em i và nhìn quanh tìm rau h u cơnó. nhưng em không th tìm ra tí gì.Vì th em h i ôngHôm sau ngư i àn ông i làm v , s vi c cũng x y nhân viên siêu th rau h u cơ âu.ra như v y.Gi ng nói b o anh ta:”Hãy b ngh , bán “Ông ta không bi t em ang nói gì, vì th emnhà, l y ti n, i t i Vegas.” nói:”Nh ng th rau này dành cho ch ng tôi.ChúngM t l n n a, ngư i àn ông ph t l , m c dù anh ta có b x t nh ng hóa ch t c h i không?”băn khoăn v s vi c. “Và ông ta nói:”Không, thưa bà.Bà ph i t làm i uM i ngày, ngày n sau ngày kia, ngư i àn ông ó.””nghe cùng m t gi ng nói khi anh ta i làm v :”Hãy WHICH COMPANY?b ngh , bán nhà, l y ti n, i n Vegas.”M i l n ngư i àn ông nghe gi ng nói, ông ta ngày A professor was giving a lecture on companycàng tr nên b i r i.Cu i cùng, sau hai tu n, anh ta slogans in a college advertising and marketing class.không ch u n i s c ép. Anh ta th c s b ngh , bán "Joe," he asked, "which company has thenhà, l y ti n và i th ng t i Vegas. slogan, Come fly the friendly skies?"Vào lúc ngư i àn ông r i máy bay Vegas, gi ng "United." Joe answered.nói b o anh ta:” i t i sòng Bally.” "Brenda, can you tell me which company hasVì th , anh ta nh y lên t c xi và ch y n sòng the slogan, "Dont leave home without it?"Bally. Ngay khi anh ta v a t chân xu ng sòng bài, Brenda answered the correct credit cardgi ng nói b o anh ta:” Hãy n bàn rulet.” company with no difficulty.Ngư i àn ông làm như anh ta ư c nói.Khi anh ta "Now John, Tell me which company uses the n bàn rulet, gi ng nói b o anh ta:” Hãy t h t slogan, Just do it?"ti n vào s 17.” And John answered, "Mom." CÔNG TY NÀO? 60 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 61. M t giáo sư ang gi ng bài v nh ng kh u hi u M t bu i t i t i m t motel1, tôi d n m t cu c g icông ty trong m t l p cao ng v qu ng cáo và báo th c lúc 6:00 sáng. Sáng hôm sau, tôi th c d ymarketing. trư c 6:00, nhưng i n tho i không reo cho n“Joe,” ông h i, “công ty nào có kh u hi u “ i bay 6:30.trên nh ng b u tr i thân thi n?” “Xin chào,” m t ngư i àn ông tr ngư ng ngùng“ United.” Joe tr l i nói.” ây là i n tho i báo th c c a ông.”“Brenda, em có th cho th y bi t công ty nào có B c mình, tôi quy t nh nói v i nhân viên kháchkh u hi u “ ng r i kh i nhà mà không mang theo s n. “Các ông ư c báo là s g i tôi lúc 6:00 sáng!”cái ó.” tôi than phi n.” i u gì s x y ra n u tôi có m tBrenda tr l i úng công ty th tín d ng mà không thương v m t tri u ô la hoàn t t sáng nay, và sơcó khó khăn gì. su t c a các ông làm tôi l vi c?”Bây gi , John, cho tôi bi t công ty nào dùng kh u “Sao, thưa ông,” viên thư ký nhanh mi ng tr l i,”hi u “Hãy làm i u ó”?” n u ông có m t thương v m t tri u ô la hoànVà John tr l i:”Má.” t t, ông h n ã không trong motel này!”TAXES A STORY ABOUT MARK TWAINA visitor from Holland was chatting with his [Supposedly a true story...]American friend and was jokingly explaining about James McNeill Whistler (whose mostthe red, white and blue in theNetherlands flag. famous painting is popularly known as "Whistlers "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said."We Mother") is reported to have displayed a justget red when we talk about them, white when we get completed painting to Mark Twain.our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." Twain looked at the painting judiciously from "Thats the same with us," the American said, a variety of angles and distances while Whistler"only we see stars, too." waited impatiently for the verdict.THU Finally, Twain leaned forward and, making an erasing gesture with his hand, said, "Id eradicateM t ngư i khách t Hà lan ang tán g u v i m t that cloud if I were you."ngư i b n M và gi i thích m t cách b n c t v màu Whistler cried out in agony, "Careful! The , tr ng và xanh trên c Hà lan. paint is still wet."“C chúng tôi tư ng trưng cho thu chúng tôi,” anh "Thats all right," Twain said coolly, "Imta nói.Chúng tôi m t khi nói v thu , tr ng b ch wearing gloves."m t khi nh n hóa ơn thu và xanh m t khi tr ti n M T CÂU CHUY N V MARK TWAINthu .”“Chúng tôi cũng v y,” ngư i M nói, “thêm vào ó, [ ư c cho là m t câu chuy n có th t … ]ch có chúng tôi th y nh ng ngôi sao.” James McNeill Whistler (ngư i có b c tranhWAKEUP CALL n i ti ng nh t ư c bi t r ng rãi dư i tên g i “M c a Whistler”) ư c k l i là ã cho Mark TwainOne night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6:00 xem m t b c tranh v a hoàn t t.a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke Twain th n tr ng nhìn vào b c tranh t nhi ubefore 6:00, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. góc và t m nhìn khác nhau trong lúc Whistler "Good morning," a young man said kiên nh n ch nghe nh n xét.sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call." Cu i cùng, Twain cúi ngư i và làm m t Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You ng tác xóa b ng tay, nói:”Tôi s xóa ám mây ówere supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!" I n u tôi là anh.”complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to Whistlet thét to au n:”C n th n! B cclose this morning, and your oversight made me tranh v n còn ư t.”miss out on it?" “Không sao âu,” Twain nói i m nhiên, "Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if “Tôi ang mang găng tay.”you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably THAT’S HOW YOU’RE GOING TO LOOKwouldnt be staying in this motel!" I N THO I BÁO TH C When I went to get my drivers license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was 61 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 62. packed. The line inched along for almost an hour One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach,until the man ahead of me finally got his license. with his fishing pole propped up in the sand. He was He inspected his photo for a moment and enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and thecommented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so prospect of catching a fish.long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this About that time, a businessman camepicture." walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of The clerk looked at his picture closely, and the stress of his workday. He noticed the fishermanreassured him, "Its okay. Thats how youre going to sitting on the beach and decided to find out why thislook when the cops pull you over anyway." fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to Ó S LÀ DÁNG V C A ÔNG make a living for himself and his family. "You arent going to catch many fish that Khi tôi i thay m i b ng lái xe c a tôi thì way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "youvăn phòng mô tô-xe c ch t ních. Dòng ngư i i should be working rather than lying on the beach!"t ng bư c trong g n m t gi cho n khi ngư i àn The fisherman looked up at the businessman,ông phía trên tôi cu i cùng l y b ng c a ông ta. smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" Ông ta xem xét k t m hình c a mình trong "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch morem t lúc và nh n xét v i viên thư ký:” Tôi ã ng fish!" was the businessmans answer.x p hàng quá lâu, cu i cùng tôi trông có v khá cáu "And then what will my reward be?" asked thek nh trong t m hình này.” fisherman, still smiling. Viên thư ký nhìn k b c tranh và tr n an ông The businessman replied, "You will maketa :” Không sao âu. Dù sao i n a ó s là dáng v money and youll be able to buy a boat, which willc a ông khi c nh sát d n ông i.” then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then whatTHINKING OF BEER will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little Thought this was particularly apt for me and irritated with the fishermans questions. "You canWednesday afternoons... buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for Sometimes when I reflect back on all the you!" he said.beer I drink I feel ashamed. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated Then I look into the glass and think about the the fisherman.workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and The businessman was getting angry. "Dontdreams. you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing If I didnt drink this beer, they might be out of boats, sail all over the world, and let all yourwork and their dreams would be shattered. Then I employees catch fish for you!"say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and Once again the fisherman asked, "And thenlet their dreams come true than be selfish and worry what will my reward be?"about my reputation." The businessman was red with rage andNGHĨ V BIA shouted at the fisherman, "Dont you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to Nghĩ v i u này c bi t thích h p v i tôi work for your living again! You can spend all thevà nh ng bu i chi u th tư … rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the Th nh tho ng khi tôi nghĩ l i v t t c s bia sunset. You wont have a care in the world!"tôi u ng, tôi c m th y x u h . The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and Sau ó tôi nhìn vào cái ly và nghĩ v nh ng said, "And what do you think Im doing right now?"công nhân trong nhà máy bia và t t c nh ng hy LÀM ĂN VÀ CÂU CÁv ng và mơ ư c c a h . N u tôi ã không u ng bia này, h có th ã M t ngày kia, m t ngư i câu cá ang n mb th t nghi p và nh ng ư c mơ c a h ã b tan v . trên m t bãi bi n p v i m t c n câu c m trên cát.Sau ó tôi t nh :” T t hơn tôi u ng bia này và Ông ta ang hư ng cái m áp c a m t tr i chi u vàgi c mơ h thành s th t hơn là ích k và lo nghĩ v s ch i b t m t con cá.thanh danh c a tôi.” Vào lúc ó, m t thương gia i xu ng bãiBUSSINESS AND FISHING bi n, c g ng làm d u i ph n nào cơn stress c a ngày làm vi c. Ông ta chú ý th y ngư i àn ông câu cá ng i trên bãi bi n và quy t nh tìm ra t i sao 62 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 63. ngư i câu cá này i câu cá thay vì làm vi c chăm ch Hai ph n M l i t i m t khách s nhơn ki m s ng cho b n thân ông ta và gia ình. Lisbon mu n m t cái gh n a trong phòng h . “Ông s không b t ư c con cá nào theo ki u Ngư i ph c v tr l i i n tho i không hi u ti ng ó,” thương gia nói v i ngư i câu cá, “ông nên làm Anh.M t trong hai ph n ch vào chi c gh duyvi c hơn là n m trên bãi bi n!” nh t trong phòng, sau ó c “di n k ch câm”, t ng i Ngư i câu cá nhìn lên thương gia, m m cư i vào m t chi c gh tư ng tư ng. áp:”Và ph n thư ng c a tôi là gì?” V i m t n cư i hi u bi t, ngư i ph c v cúi “À, ông s có ư c nh ng t m lư i l n hơn chào và ra hi u cho cô ta i theo anh ta.T i cu ivà b t nhi u cá hơn!” là câu tr l i c a thương gia. hành lang, anh ta d ng l i, m m cư i, và cu i chào “Và sau ó ph n thư ng c a tôi là gì?” ngư i l n n a, và hoan h ch vào cánh c a phòng v sinhcâu cá h i trong khi v n m m cư i. n . Thương gia áp:”Ông s làm ra ti n và ông HOW DID THE FLORIST DIFFUSE THEs có th mua ư c m t chi c tàu, sau ó k t qu là BUSINESSMAN’S ANGER?b t nhi u cá hơn n a!” “Và sau ó ph n thư ng c atôi là gì?” ngư i câu cá l i h i. A new business was opening and one of the owners Thương gia b t u hơi b c mình v i nh ng friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.câu h i c a ngư i câu cá. “Ông có th mua chi c tàu They arrived at the new business site and the ownerl n hơn, và thuê m t s ngư i làm vi c cho ông!” read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." The ownerông ta nói. was angry and called the florist to complain. He let “Và sau ó ph n thư ng c a tôi là gì?” ngư i the florist know in no uncertain terms how angry hecâu cá l p l i. was about the obvious mistake. Thương gia tr nên gi n d .”Ông không hi u The florist wisely diffused the mans angersao? Ông có th xây d ng m t oàn tàu, ch y kh p when she calmly said, "Sir, Im really sorry for theth gi i, và t t c nh ng ngư i làm công c a ông mistake, but just imagine this... somewhere there is ab t cá cho ông!” funeral taking place today, and they have flowers M t l n n a ngư i câu cá h i:”Và sau ó with a note saying, "Congratulations on your newph n thư ng c a tôi là gì?” location!" Thương gia m t gi n d và thét vào m t NGƯ I BÁN HOA LÀM GI M CƠN GI N Dngư i câu cá:” Ông không hi u r ng ông s tr nên C A THƯƠNG GIA NHƯ TH NÀO?r t giàu có n n i ông s không bao gi ph i làmvi c ki m s ng n a! Ông có th dùng nh ng ngày M t thương gia m c a hàng và nh ng ngư i b ncòn l i ng i trên bãi bi n này, ng m hoàng hôn. Ông c a ông ch mu n g i hoa trong d p này.Hoa ư cs không lo l ng gì trong th gi i này!” ưa t i i m kinh doanh m i và ông ch c t m V n m m cư i, ngư i àn ông câu cá nhìn c c. Trong ó vi t:” Yên ngh trong tĩnh l ng.” Ônglên và nói:”Và ông nghĩ gì v vi c tôi ang làm lúc ch n i gi n và g i ngư i bán hoa t i thannày?” phi n.Ông ta cho ngư i bán hoa bi t m t cách quWHAT DID HE UNDERSTAND? quy t là ông ta gi n d như th nào v cái l i rành rành kia.Two American women stopping at the Hotel Ngư i bán hoa khôn ngoan làm gi m cơn gi n c ain Lisbon wanted another chair in their room. The ngư i àn ông khi cô ta i m tĩnh nói:”Thưa ông, tôisteward who answered their ring could not th t s l y làm ti c v sai sót này, nhưng ch c nunderstand English. tư ng tư ng i u này … nơi nào ó có m t ámOne of the women pointed to the only chair in the tang di n ra hôm nay, và h nh n vòng hoa v i dòngroom, then tried pantomime, seating herself in an ch :”Chúc m ng a i m m i c a b n!”imaginary chair. STUDENTS AND THE WAYS THEY SAY With a knowing smile, the steward bowed “GOOD MORNING”and motioned for her to follow him. At the end ofthe corridor, he stopped, smiled, and bowed again, When I first started college, the Dean came in andand pointed triumphantly to the door of the Ladies said, "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoedRoom. back to him, he responded "Ah, youre Freshmen."ANH TA Ã HI U GÌ? He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, its Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down 63 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 64. and open their books, its Sophomores. When they A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at anlook up so they can see the instructor over the expensive restaurant and topped it off with sometops of the newspapers, its juniors. When they put Napoleon brandy, then he summoned thetheir feet up on the desks and keep reading, its headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly,seniors." "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here "When you walk in and say good morning, and then, because I couldnt pay for it, you had meand they write it down, its graduate students." thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"SINH VIÊN VÀ CÁCH H NÓI “GOOD "Im very sorry sir." began the contriteMORNING” headwaiter. "Oh, its quite all right." said the guest, "butKhi tôi l n b t u i h c, th y trư ng khoa bư c Im afraid Ill have to trouble you again..."vào và nói:”Xin chào” v i t t c chúng tôi. Khi TÔI E R NG …chúng tôi l p l i l i y v i th y, th y tr l i:”A, cácb n là nh ng tân sinh viên.” M t quý ông b ngoài cư ng tráng ăn m t b a ngon“Th y gi i thích:”Khi b n bư c vào và nói xin chào, lành trong m t nhà hàng t ti n và tráng mi ng v ivà sinh viên nói xin chào tr l i thì ó là sinh viên m t vài ly rư u Napoleon, sau ó ông ta g i ngư im i. Khi h t nh ng t báo c a h xu ng và l t qu n lý.”Ông có nh không,” ông ta h i m t cáchsách thì ó là sinh viên năm hai. Khi h nhìn lên sao thân m t, “sao ó m t năm trư c ây, tôi dùng chcho có th nhìn th y gi ng viên qua u nh ng t m t b a ăn như th này ây và sau ó, vì tôibáo c a h thì ó là sinh viên năm áp chót. Khi h không th tr ti n, ông ã quăng tôi vào rãnh nư c t chân lên bàn và v n ti p t c c thì ó là sinh như m t tên ăn mày thư ng th y?”viên năm cu i.” “Tôi r t l y làm bu n thưa ông,” viên qu n lý h i“Khi b n bư c vào và nói xin chào, và h vi t xu ng h n b t u.thì ó là sinh viên t t nghi p.” “ , không sao h t.” khách nói, “nhưng tôi e r ng tôiWHO WAS SURPRISED ? s ph i làm phi n ông l n n a…” WRITE MORE LEGIBLY!The Father, passing thru the sons college town lateone night on a business trip, thought he would pay a An English teacher often wrote little notes onsurprise visit to the boy. student essays.She was working late one night, and Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.on the door.After several minutes of knocking, a The next day a student came to her aftersleepy voice drifted down from a second floor class with his essay she had corrected. "I cant makewindow. "Whaddya want?" out this comment you wrote on my paper." "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the The teacher took the paper, and afterfather. squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, "It "Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the says that you need to write more legibly!"front porch and well take care of him in the HÃY VI T D C HƠN!morning."AI NG C NHIÊN? M t giáo viên ti ng Anh thư ng vi t m t ít ghi chú trên các bài lu n c a h c sinh. M t bu i tôí cô ta Ngư i cha, vào m t êm kia i qua thành làm vi c tr , và trong khi th i gian trôi qua, ch vi tph i h c c a con trai nhân chuy n i làm ăn, nghĩ c a cô ta d n tháu i.r ng ông ta s gây m t l n ghé thăm ng c nhiên i Hôm sau m t sinh viên i g p cô ta sau gi h c v iv i con trai. bài lu n cô ta ã s a.”Em không th c ư cl i n nhà h i nam sinh viên i h c, ông ta gõ nh n xét cô ã vi t trên bài em.”c a.Sau m t vài phút, m t gi ng ngái ng v ng Cô giáo c m bài vi t, và sau khi nhìn qua trong m txu ng t c a s t ng hai. “Chú mu n …u n… gì?” phút ngư ng ngùng tr l i:”Dòng ch vi t r ng em“Jimmy Duncan có ây không?” ngư i cha h i. c n ph i vi t d c hơn!”“D có!” v n gi ng ó tr l i.”Hãy quăng nó xu ng WHY’D I GET MY FACE SLAPPED?hè trư c r i t i cháu s lo cho nó sáng mai.”I’M AFRAID … An old woman, a young woman, and Englishman, and an Irishman are travelling in the compartment of 64 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 65. a train together across the British countryside. Each Still confused the man ask "What is theof the four of them is ignoring the other three. difference in them?" Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel, and the The clerk responds "It is really very easy.compartment is thrown into pitch blackness. Out of The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvationthe darkness comes the sound of a kiss, then the Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist typesound of a slap. makes mountains out of mole hills." The train leaves the tunnel, and the travellers NH NG KI U ÁO NG Cact as though nothing happened. The old woman, however, is thinking to M t ngư i àn ông i vào gian ph n c aherself, "Look at that young woman sitting there m t c a hàng và nói v i ngư i bán hàng ông tanext to me, acting as if nothing happened. I KNOW mu n mua m t áo ng c cho v .the Englishman kissed her." “Ki u áo ng c nào?” ngư i bán hàng h i. The young woman is thinking to herself, “Ki u?” ngư i àn ông h i. “Có nhi u hơn"Why would an Irishman kiss an old lady?" m t ki u?” The Englishman is thinking to himself, "I “Có ba ki u.” ngư i àn ông tr l i. “Ki udidnt to anything! Whyd I get MY face slapped?" Thiên Chúa Giáo, ki u i Quân C u T , và ki u And the Irishman is thinking to himself, "How giáo phái Baptist. Ông c n ki u nào?”do you like that? I kiss the back of my hand, slap an V n còn lúng túng, ngư i àn ôngEnglishman in the face and get away with it!" h i:”Chúng khác nhau như th nào?”T I SAO TA B TÁT VÀO M T? Ngư i bán hàng tr l i:”Th c s r t d . Ki u Thiên Chúa Giáo c vũ cho nh ng ám ông, ki u M t bà lão, m t ph n tr , và m t ngư i i Quân C u T nâng cao nh ng cái x xu ng và àn ông ngư i Anh, và m t ngư i àn ông Ai-len ki u giáo phái Baptist làm cho nh ng cái bình ang i trong cùng m t ngăn c a m t chuy n xe l a thư ng hóa quan tr ng.”băng qua mi n ng quê nư c Anh. M i ngư i trong AN ARGUMENTs h u không quan tâm n ba ngư i kia. t nhiên, xe l a i vào m t ư ng h m, và During a neighborhood party here, I got into anngăn xe l a tr nên t i en như m c. T trong bóng argument with my neighbor, Van, about presidentialt i b ng v ng ra âm thanh c a m t n hôn, sau ó politics. Finally, he asked me why I was such ati ng ng c a m t cái tát. dedicated Republican. Con tàu r i ư ng h m, và nh ng nhà du I told him that my Father and GrandFatherhành làm như không có gì x y ra. were Republicans before me and that I was carrying Tuy v y, bà lão t nghĩ:” Nhìn ngư i ph n on the family tradition.tr kia ng i c nh ta, làm như không có gì x y ra. TA "Thats it ?" said my exasperated neighbor.BI T ngư i àn ông Ang lê kia ã hôn cô ta.” "What if your Father and GrandFather had been Ngư i ph n tr t nghĩ:”T i sao ngư i àn horse thieves ?"ông Ai-len l i hôn m t bà lão?” "Well..." I replied, "I suppose then Id be a Ngư i àn ông Ang lê t nghĩ:”Ta không Democrat like you."làm gì c !T i sao ta b tát vào m t?” M T CU C TRANH CÃI Và ngư i Ai-len t nghĩ:” Làm sao mi thích i u ó ư c? Ta hôn mu bàn tay ta, tát vào m t gã Trong b a ti c láng gi ng, tôi tranh cãi v iAng lê và chu n i!” m t ngư i láng gi ng Van v i s ng chính trTYPES OF BRA tranh c t ng th ng. Cu i cùng anh ta h i tôi vì sao tôi là m t ng viên trung thành c a ng C ng hòaA man walks into the womans section of a như v y.department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to Tôi nói v i anh ta r ng cha tôi và ông n i tôibuy a bra for his wife. là nh ng ngư i C ng Hòa trư c tôi và r ng tôi ti p "What type of bra?" asked the clerk t c truy n th ng gia ình. "Type?" inquires the man "There is more “Th à?” ngư i hàng xóm cáu ti t nói. “N uthan one type?" cha b n và ông n i b n là nh ng tên tr m ng a thì "There are three types." replies the clerk sao?”"The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and “À…” tôi áp, “tôi cho là tôi s tr thànhthe Baptist type. Which one do you need?" m t ngư i Dân ch như ông.” 65 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 66. DIVERT YOUR COURSE Ư C H T NG B I BA TÀU KHU H M, BA TU N DƯƠNG H M VÀ NHI U TÀU L N HThis is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio T NG. TÔI YÊU C U CÁC ÔNG I HƯ NGconversation of a USnaval ship with Canadian TÀU 15 PHÍA B C, TÔI NH C L I 15authorities off the coast ofNewfoundland in October PHÍA B C, HO C KHÔNG THÌ NH NG BI N1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of PHÁP ÁNH TR S Ư C TH C HI NNaval Operations B O M AN TOÀN CHO CHI C TÀU NÀY.10-10-95. Ngư i Cana a: ây là m t h i ăng, ngư i g i ! Canadians: Please divert your course 15 A PAINTINGdegrees the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your During a modern-art exhibition at a museum, ancourse 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. artist was explaining his work that was on display. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert "This," he said, pointing to a completely blackyour course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a canvas, "is a cow grazing."collision. "Well, where is the grass?" asked one Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy particularly confused visitor.ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. "The cow has eaten it," the artist explained. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR "Well, then," the visitor said, "wheres thecourse. cow?" Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT "Why should she stay," the artist replied,CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND "after shed eaten all the grass?"LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES M T B C TRANHATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIEDBY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS Trong m t cu c tri n lãm ngh thu t hi n i m tAND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I vi n b o tàng, m t h a sĩ ang gi i thích m t b cDEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR tranh ang trưng bày.Anh ta ch tay vào b c v hoànCOURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, toàn en và nói “ ây là con bò ang ăn c .”THATS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR “À, c âu ?” m t v khách c bi t b i r i h i.COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE “Con bò ăn h t r i,” h a sĩ gi i thích.UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF “V y thì con bò âu?” v khách nói.THIS SHIP. “T i sao nó ó sau khi ã ăn h t c ?” h a sĩ tr Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call! l i. I HƯ NG TÀU CH Y THE CHAUFFEUR DELIVERING SCIENTIFIC SPEECH ây là b n ghi m t o n i tho i vô tuy n i n CÓTH C c a m t tàu h i quân M và nhà ch c trách A famous scientist was on his way to yet anotherCana a ngoài b bi n Newfoundland vào tháng 10 lecture when his chauffeur offered his employer an– 1995. o n i tho i vô tuy n i n ư c tư l nh unusual proposition. "Ive heard your speech sotác chi n h i quân ưa ra vào 10 – 10 – 95. many times I bet I could deliver it and give you theNgư i Cana a:” Xin hãy chuy n hư ng i 15 night off," he said.phía nam tránh m t v va ch m. "That sounds great," the scientist said. WhenNgư i M : ngh các ông chuy n hư ng tàu 15 they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on thephía b c tránh m t v va ch m. chauffeurs cap and sat in the back row. TheNgư i Cana a: Ph n i. Các ông s ph i chuy n chauffeur walked up to the lectern, delivered thehư ng tàu 15 phía nam tránh m t v va ch m. speech and asked if there were any questions.Ngư i M : ây là thuy n trư ng tàu H i quân M . "Yes," said a man in the audience, andTôi nh c l i:Hãy chuy n hư ng tàu C A CÁC launched into a highly technical question. TheÔNG. chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment butNgư i Cana a: Không. Tôi nh c l i:Các ông hãy quickly recovered.chuy n hư ng tàu C A CÁC ÔNG. "Thats an easy one," he replied. "It is so easy,Ngư i M : ÂY LÀ HÀNG KHÔNG M U H M in fact, that Im going to get my chauffeur to standUSSLINCOLN, CHI C TÀU L N TH HAI C A up and answer it."H M I ATLANTIC C A M . CHÚNG TÔI TÀI X NÓI CHUY N KHOA H C 66 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 67. M t nhà khoa h c n i ti ng ang trên ư ng i his ear, Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all nightthuy t gi ng thì ngư i lái xe c a ông ưa ra m t looking at me."ngh khác thư ng.” Tôi ã nghe bài nói c a ngài quá LÍNH NGnhi u l n và tôi ánh cu c tôi có th nói như th vàcho ông m t bu i t i ngh ngơi,” ông ta nói. Vào lúc ngư i lính i vào th xã nh , m i phòngNhà khoa h c áp:” Hay l m.” Khi h n thính khách s n u ã có ngư i . “Ông còn m t cănphòng, nhà khoa h c i mũ c a ngư i lái xe vào và phòng âu ó,” anh ta năn n ngư i ch khách s n.ng i hàng gh sau.Ngư i lái xe i lên b c gi ng, “ , tôi th c s còn m t phòng ôi có m t ngư i ,b t u nói chuy n và sau ó h i có ai mu n h i gì nhưng anh ta là m t ngư i bên Không L c,” ôngkhông. ch th a nh n, “và có l anh ta s m ng khi chia giá”Có,” m t ngư i àn ông t phía thính gi nói và phòng. Nhưng nói th t v i anh, anh ta ngáy l n nông ta t m t câu h i chuyên sâu v khoa n i ngư i ta nh ng phòng k bên ã than phi n.h c.Ngư i lái xe ho ng s trong giây lát nhưng Tôi không ch c ch n căn phòng ó áng giá i v inhanh chóng l y l i bình tĩnh. anh …” “Không sao,” ngư i lính m t m i qu quy t, “ ó là m t câu h i d ,” ông ta áp.”Th c “tôi s nh n phòng ó.” Sáng hôm sau ngư i lính it ,nó quá d n n i tôi s g i ngư i lái xe c a tôi xu ng bàn ăn sáng. “Anh ng như th nào?” ông ch ng lên và tr l i câu h i ó.” h i. “Chưa bao gi t t hơn!” ngư i lính nói. ÔngI WISH … ch b n tư ng. “Không có v n gì v i anh chàng ngáy su t êm dài kia ch ?” “Không, tôi khóaA homeless man walked up to an elegantly dressed mi ng anh ta ngay t c thì,” ngư i lính gi i thích.woman and told her, "Excuse me, madam, but I “Làm th nào mà anh làm ư c i u ó?” “À, anh tahavent eaten for six days." ã n m trên giư ng r i, ngáy m m thì tôi i vào "Oh dear," she replied enviously. "I wish I phòng, vì th tôi hôn anh ta m t cái trên má,” ngư ihad your willpower." lính gi i thích. R i tôi thì th m bên tai anh ta:”ChúcTÔI Ư C … bu i t i t t lành, anh chàng p trai,” và anh ta ng i d y su t êm nhìn tôi.”M t ngư i vô gia cư bư c t i m t ngư i àn bà ăn WINKm t sang tr ng và nói:”Xin l i, thưa bà, tôi chưa ăngì trong sáu ngày.” A man with a winking problem is applying for a “Ô tr i,” ngư i àn bà tr l i m t cách ganh position as a sales representative for a large firm.t .” Tôi ư c gì tôi có kh năng như ông.” The interviewer looks over his papers and says,SLEEPING SOLDIERS "This is phenomenal. Youve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful,By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, wedevery hotel room was taken. "Youve got to have a hire you without a second thought. However, a salesroom somewhere," he pleaded with a proprietor. representative has a highly visible position, and"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, were afraid that your constant winking will scare offbut hes an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, potential customers.Im sorry...we cant hire you.""and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, Illyou the truth, he snores so loudly that people in stop winking!"adjoining rooms have complained in the past. Im "Really? Great! Show me!"not sure itd be worth it to you..." "No problem," the So the applicant reaches into his jacket pockettired army guy assured him, "Ill take it." The next and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: redmorning the soldier came down to breakfast condoms,blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoredtable."Howd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never condoms;finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet ofbetter!" said the soldier. The manager was aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, andimpressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring stops winking.all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time," "Well," said the interviewer, "thats all wellexplained the soldier. "Howd you manage that?" and good, but this is a respectable company, and we"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I will not have our employees womanizing all overwalked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the the country!"cheek," explained the soldier. Then, I whispered in "Womanizing? What do you mean? Im a happily married man!" 67 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 68. "Well then, how do you explain all these "But, Madam," the bellman finally got out,condoms?" "this isnt your room. Its the elevator!" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walkedinto a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" C PV CH NG H NH PHÚCNHÁY M T Joe ã s ng v i ngư i v Mary trong căn nhà nhM t ngư i àn ông b t t nháy m t n t ơn xin m t sâu trong r ng trong năm mươi năm. k ni mch i di n mãi v trong m t công ty l n. Ngư i ngày này, ông ưa bà t i thành ph l n và h ăngph ng v n xem xét ơn anh ta và nói:” ây là vi c ký m t khách s n h ng sang.có tính hi n tư ng. Ông ã t t nghi p trư ng h ng Mary than phi n v i ngư i b i hành lý. “Chúng tôinh t; ông có nh ng c tính tuy t v i, và kinh t ch i trong m t căn phòng nh như v y. Chúngnghi m c a ông thì vô song. Thư ng thì chúng tôi s tôi không có cánh c a s nào hay qu t, ho c th mthuê ông mà không nghĩ ng i l n n a. Tuy v y, m t chí m t cái giư ng!” i di n mãi v ph i có m t v trí ngư i ta thư ng “Nhưng, thưa bà!”trông vào, và chúng tôi e r ng vi c ông nháy m t Mary c t ngang ngư i àn ông. “ ng có “Nhưng,liên t c s xua u i khách hàng ti m năng. Tôi xin thưa bà” v i tôi!” bà ta la l i. Các ông không th il i … chúng tôi không th thuê ông ư c.” x v i chúng tôi như chúng tôi là m t c p ng“ i ã,” ông ta nói. “N u tôi u ng hai viên aspirin, ngh ch ch b i vì chúng tôi không i du l ch nhi u,tôi s ngưng nháy m t!” và chúng tôi chưa bao gi t i thành ph l n, và“Th à? Hay quá! Hãy cho tôi th y!” chúng tôi chưa ngh êm t i m t khách s n. Tôi sVí v y ngư i n p ơn l c trong túi áo vét tông và ki n v i ông qu n lý!”b t u lôi ra t t c các lo i bao cao su: bao cao su “Nhưng, thưa bà,” ngư i b i hành lý cu i cùng cũng , bao cao su xanh, bao cao su có ư ng gân, bao nói ra ư c, “ ây không ph i là phòng bà. ây là cáicao su có mùi; cu i cùng, dư i áy, ông ta tìm ra thang máy!”m t gói nh aspirin. Ông ta xé nó ra, nu t hai viên HOTEL REST STOPthu c và ngưng nháy m t.“À,” ngư i ph ng v n nói, “v y hay, nhưng ây là A man and his wife had been traveling for 18 hoursm t công ty ng n, và chúng tôi s không cho when they decided to stop for a few hours to rest.phép nhân viên tán t nh ph n kh p c nư c!” They checked into a nice hotel and slept for four“Tán t nh ph n ? Ông mu n nói gì? Tôi là ngư i hours. When they were ready to continue their trip, àn ông h nh phúc v i gia ình tôi!” they went downstairs to pay their bill. The desk“V y thì ông gi i thích th nào v t t c nh ng bao clerk handed them a bill for $350. The mancao su này?” exploded, and said the bill was too high, asking to“Ô, th kia à,” ông ta th dài. “Ông có t ng bao gi see the manager. The manager met them at the frontbư c vô m t nhà thu c, nháy m t và h i mua desk and explained that the hotel has an olympicaspirin?” pool and a nice conference room and they wereTHE HAPPY COUPLE available for the couples use. "But we didnt use them!" the man complained. The manager insistedJoe had lived with his wife Mary in their little home that the room and pool were available for them, asdeep in the woods for fifty years. To celebrate their well as tickets to several shows. The man explainedfiftieth anniversary, he took her to the big city and they didnt use any of those things, to which thethey checked into an upscale hotel. manager replied, "But you could have." Mary had a complaint for the bellman. "We Finally, needing to get back on the road, therefuse to settle for such a small room. We dont have man wrote a check for $100. The manager looked atany windows or fan, or even a bed!" the check and said, "This is only for $100." "But, Madam!" The man replied, "Thats right. I charged you Mary interrupted the man. "Dont you But, $250 for sleeping with my wife."Madam me!" she stormed. "You "But I didnt sleep with her!" the managercant treat us like were a couple of fools just because said.we dont travel much, and weve never been to the The man smiled and said, "Yeah, but she wasbig city, and weve never spent the night at a hotel. here and you could have."Im going to complain to the manager!" D NG CHÂN NGH KHÁCH S N 68 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 69. M t ngư i àn ông và v du hành 18 gi thì h Khi t c p c u t i nơi ư c xem là c a ngư i bquy t nh d ng l i vài gi ngh . H ăng ký thương, h không th y gì ngoài m t ghi chú ng ntrong m t khách s n p và ng trong b n gi . Khi :” ã ch y máu t i ch t và ã v nhà.”h ã s n sàng ti p t c cu c i, h xu ng t ng THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIPdư i tr ti n hóa ơn. Ngư i thu ti n ưa h m thóa ơn 350 ô la. Ngư i àn ông n i gi n ùng The newspaper obituary operator received a phone ùng, và nói cái hóa ơn giá quá cao và òi g p viên call.qu n lý. Viên qu n lý g p h bàn trư c và gi i The woman on the other end asked, "Howthích r ng khách s n có m t b bơi olympic và m t much do funeral notices cost?"phòng h i ngh p và s n sàng cho c p v ch ng s "Five dollars per word, maam," came thed ng. “Nhưng chúng tôi ã không s d ng!” ngư i response. àn ông than phi n. Viên qu n lý v n nh t nh r ng "Good, do you have a paper and pencilcăn phòng và cái h s n sàng cho h s d ng, cũng handy?"như nh ng chi c vé c a m t vài “sô” di n. Ngư i "Yes, maam." àn ông gi i thích h ã không dùng b t c cái nào "Okay, write this: Cohen died. "trong nh ng th ó, nh ng th mà viên qu n lý tr "Im sorry, maam, I forgot to tell you theresl i:”Nhưng ông có th có.” a five-word minimum."Cu i cùng, c n ph i lên ư ng, ngư i àn ông vi t "Hmmph," came the reply. "You certainlym t t m séc 100 ô la. Viên qu n lý nhìn t m séc và did forget to tell me that."nói:” ây ch 100 ô la.” After a moment of silence, the womanNgư i àn ông tr l i:” úng th . Tôi tính ông 250 continued, "Got your pencil and paper?" ô la v vi c ng v i v tôi.” "Yes, maam."“Nhưng tôi ã không ng v i cô ta!” "Okay, print this: Cohen died, Cadillac for Ngư i àn ông m m cư i và nói:” , nhưng sale. "cô y ã ây và ông có th ng .” M I LIÊN H HOÀN H O“WOUNDED” BOY SCOUT Ngư i i u hành trang cáo phó c a m t t báo nh nA troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea m t cú i n tho i.pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock Ngư i àn bà u dây bên kia h i:” Cáo phó ăngearthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated t n bao nhiêu?”wounded persons who were to be picked up and “Năm ô la m i t , thưa bà,” ngư i i u hành áp.cared for by the emergency units. “T t, ông có gi y và bút chì trong tay ch ?” One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground “Có, thưa bà.”and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got “ ư c r i, vi t cái này:”Cohen ã ch t””behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for “Xin l i, thưa bà, tôi quên nói v i bà ph i có ít nh tseveral hours. năm t .” When the first-aid squad arrived where the “H m,” ngư i àn bà áp. “Dĩ nhiên ông ã quêncasualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but nói v i tôi i u ó.”this brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home." Sau m t lúc yên l ng, ngư i àn bà ti p t c:”Ông ãHƯ NG O SINH “B THƯƠNG” có bút chì và gi y r i ch ?” “Vâng, thưa bà.”M t nhóm hư ng o sinh ư c s d ng làm thí “ ư c r i, hãy in dòng này: “Cohen ã ch t,nghi m trong m t cu c ki m tra các h th ng kh n Cadillac c n bán.””c p. M t tr n ng t gi ư c giàn d ng, và các AUSSIE GRASSHOPPERShư ng o sinh hóa thân thành nh ng ngư i bthương s ư c ưa i và chăm sóc b i nh ng ơn A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.v c p c u. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.M t hư ng o sinh ư c coi như là n m trên m t The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the t và i nh ng ngư i c u h , nhưng nh ng ngư i Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are atc p c u tr h n, và hư ng o sinh này n m “b least twice as large."thương” trong m y gi . Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan 69 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 70. immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at 20. Our belly usually hides our big hipsleast twice as large as your cows." 21. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all When the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos seasonshopping through the field, he asks, "And what the 22. We can do our nails with a pocketknifeheck are those?" 23. We have freedom of choice concerning growing The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, a mustache"Dont you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" 24. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25CHÂU CH U NƯ C ÚC people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes M t nông dân Texas (M ) i ngh T I SAO ÀN ÔNG T HÀO V B N THÂNAustralia. ó ông ta g p m t nông dân Uc và b t H ?chuy n. Ngư i Uc gây phô trương b ng cánh nglúa mì l n c a mình và ngư i Texas nói:” ! Chúng 1. M t chuy n i năm ngày ch c n m t cái vatôi có nh ng cánh ng l n ít nh t g p hai cái này.” li Sau ó h d o quanh doanh tr i m t lát, và 2. Chúng ta có th t m t t c chai l c angư i Uc phô trương àn gia súc. Ngay l p t c chúng tangư i Texas nói:”Chúng tôi có nh ng con thú s ng 3. Chúng ta có th i i kh i m t cái giư ngdài l n ít nh t g p ôi nh ng con bò c a anh.” motel mà không c n thu d n Khi ngư i Texas th y m t àn canguru nh y 4. Chúng ta có th ăn s ch th c ăn c a chúng taqua cánh ng, ông ta h i:” Và ó là nh ng con quái 5. Chúng ta không c n quan tâm t i k ho chgì v y?” cư i xin Ngư i Uc tr l i v i m t nét m t hoài 6. N u ai ó quên m i chúng ta ti c tùng gì ónghi:”Các ông không có nh ng con châu ch u thì h v n có th là b n chúng ta Texas à?” 7. N u b n ã 34 tu i và v n c thân thìWHY ARE MEN PROUD OF THEMSELVES? không ai chú ý 8. M i th trên m t chúng ta v n gi nguyên1. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase màu s c như ã có2. We can open all our own jars 9. Ba ôi giày là quá3. We can leave a motel bed unmade 10. Th s a xe hơi nói th t v i chúng ta4. We can kill our own food 11. Chúng ta có th ng i im l ng và xem m t trò5. Wedding plans take care of themselves chơi v i m t ngư i b n trong nhi u gi mà không6. If someone forgets to invite us to something they nghĩ r ng “Anh ta ch c ph i phát iên v i mình”can still be our friends 12. Cùng công vi c nhưng ư c tr ti n cao hơn7. If you are 34 and single nobody notices 13. Tóc mu i tiêu và nh ng n p nhăn ch thêm8. Everything on our faces stays the original color vào cho tính cách9. Three pair of shoes are more than enough 14. Chúng ta có th t t vào thăm m t ngư i b n10. Car mechanics tell us the truth mà không c n mang theo m t món quà nh11. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a 15. N u m t gã khác xu t hi n trong cùng trangfriend for hours without thinking "He must be mad ph c trong m t b a ti c thì b n ch có th tr thànhat me." nh ng ngư i b n su t i12. Same work-more pay 16. Chúng ta hoàn toàn không th th y nh ng13. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character n p nhăn trên qu n áo chúng ta14. We can drop by to see a friend without having to 17. M t ki u tóc kéo dài trong nhi u năm – cóbring a little gift th trong nhi u th p k15. If another guy shows up at a party in the same 18. Chúng ta không c n c o dư i coutfit 19. M t vài ti ng thì ư c mong i và ư cyou just might become lifelong friends b qua16. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our 20. B ng chúng ta thư ng che i cái hông l nclothes c a chúng ta17. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe 21. M t cái bóp, m t ôi giày, m t màu su t b ndecades mùa18. We dont have to shave below the neck 22. Chúng ta có th làm móng tay v i con dao19. A few belches are expected and tolerated b túi 70 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 71. 23. Chúng ta ư c t do l a ch n cho râu mép Bây gi anh ta làm vi c cho Microsoft, vi tm c hay không nh ng thông i p l i.24. i mua s m Nô-en cho 25 ngư i có th hoàn FOUR FRIENDS …t t trong ngày trư c Nô-en và trong 45 phútTALKING CLOCK These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up While proudly showing off his new apartment to Dallas and party with some friends up there. Theyto friends, a college student led the way into the den. had a great time. However, after all the partying, "What is the big brass gong and hammer they slept all day Sunday and didnt make it backfor?" one of his friends asked. to Austin until early Monday morning. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. Rather than taking the final then, they "Hows it work?" the friend asked. decided to find their professor after the final and "Watch," the man said and proceeded to give explain to him why they missed it.the gong an ear- shattering pound with the hammer. They explained that they had gone Suddenly, someone screamed from the other to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to comeside of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! Its two back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tireoclock in the morning!" on the way back, didnt have a spare, and couldnt NG H BI T NÓI get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. Trong lúc hãnh di n khoe v i b n căn h The Professor thought it over and then agreed theym i, m t sinh viên ã d n ư ng n căn phòng nh could make up the final the following day. The guysriêng. were elated and relieved. “Cái chiêng l n b ng ng và cái búa làm They studied that night and went in the nextgì v y?” m t trong nh ng ngư i b n h i. day at the time the professor had told them. He “ ó là cái ng h bi t nói,” ngư i àn ông placed them in separate rooms and handed each oftr l i. them a test booklet, and told them to begin. “Nó làm vi c như th nào?” ngư i b n h i. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 “Hãy xem,” ngư i àn ông nói và ti n t i points. It was something simple about free radical ánh cái chiêng m t cú chát tai b ng búa. formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, B ng nhiên, ai ó la l n t phía bên kia b c each one in his separate room. "This is going to betư ng: “Ng ng ngay i, th ng ng c! Bây gi là hai easy."gi sáng!” Each finished the problem and then turned theTHE GREAT WRITER page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire? There was once a young man who, in hisyouth, professed his desire to become a great writer. B N NGƯ I B N … When asked to define "great" he said, "Iwant to write stuff that the whole world will read, B n ngư i b n này quá t tin n n i vàostuff that people will react to on a truly emotional cu i tu n trư c kỳ thi t t nghi p, h quy t nh ilevel. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and t i Dallas và ti c tùng v i b n bè ó. H chơi óhowl in pain and anger!" r t vui v . Tuy nhiên, sau khi ti c tùng, h ng He now works for Microsoft, writing error nguyên ngày ch nh t và không quay l i Austin chomessages. n sáng s m th hai.NGƯ I VI T VĨ I H quy t nh i tìm giáo sư c a h sau kỳ thi t t nghi p và gi i thích v i ông ta vì sao h l thi Trư c kia có m t thanh niên trong tu i tr hơn là tham d kỳ thi.c a mình nói r ng mơ ư c c a mình là tr thành m t H gi i thích r ng h ã i Dallas vào cu ingư i vi t vĩ i. tu n v i k ho ch quay l i h c nhưng không may h Khi ư c h i cho bi t th nào là “vĩ i” anh b x p l p trên ư ng v , không có l p d tr , vàta nói:”Tôi mu n vi t th mà c th gi i u s c, không làm gì ư c trong m t quãng th i gian. Vìth mà ngư i ta s ph n ng theo m t m c c m th , h l kỳ thi t t nghi p. V giáo sư suy nghĩ kxúc ích th c. Th mà s làm ngư i ta la, khóc, và và sau ó ng ý h có th thi t t nghi p ngày hômgào lên trong au n và gi n d !” 71 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 72. sau. M y gã sinh viên hoan h và m t i v căng Bush says, "Were planning WWIII."th ng. And the guy says, "Really? Whats going to T i hôm ó h h c và ngày hôm sau h i happen?"vào lúc v giáo sư ã b o h . Ông ta x p h vào Rumsfeld says, "Well, were going to kill 25nh ng phòng riêng l và ưa m i ngư i m t t p sách million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."ki m tra m ng, và nói h b t u. The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? H nhìn câu h i th nh t, 5 i m. ó là m t Why kill a bicycle repairman?"câu d v s hình thành g c t do. “T t,” h nghĩ Bush turns to Powell, punches him on thecùng m t lúc, m i ngư i trong m t phòng riêng. shoulder and says, "See, smart britches, I told you“Cái này s d ây.” no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis." M i ngư i làm xong câu ó và l t qua trang CHI N TRANH TH GI I TH IIIkia. trang hai ư c vi t: (95 i m): L p nào ? T ng th ng Bush, Donald Rumsfeld và ColinFOUR WORMS … Powell ang ng i trong bar. M t gã àn ông i vào và h i ngư i ph c v :” ó có ph i Bush, RumsfeldFour worms were placed into four separate jars. The và Powell ng i kia không?”first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second Ngư i ph c v áp:” úng, h ó.”worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The Nghe v y ngư i àn ông bư c t i và nói:” Chà, âythird worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth qu th c là hân h nh. Các ông ang làm gì ây?”worm was put into a jar of soil. Bush nói:”Chúng tôi ang bàn tính chi n tranh th After one day: gi i th ba.” The first worm, in alcohol---dead. Và ngư i àn ông nói:”Th à? i u gì s x y ra?” Second worm, in cigarette smoke---dead. Rumsfeld nói:”À, l n này chúng tôi s gi t 25 tri u Third worm, in sperm---dead. ngư i I-r c và m t th s a xe p.” Fourth worm, in soil---alive. Ngư i àn ông kêu lên:”M t th s a xe p? T i Lesson: sao gi t m t th s a xe p?” As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, Bush quay qua Powell, m vào vai và nói:”Coi ó,you wont get worms. ông b n thông minh, tôi ã nói v i ông s không cóB N CON GIUN… ai lo l ng gì v 25 tri u ngư i I-r c.” MALE OR FEMALE ?B n con giun ư c t trong b n l khác nhau. Con u tiên ư c t trong l ng rư u. Con th hai SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because ư c t trong m t l khói thu c lá. Con th ba even though it appears useful for a wide variety of ư c t trong l tinh d ch. Con th tư t trong l work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. t. KIDNEYS -- female, because they always goSau m t ngày: to the bathroom in pairs.Con th nh t, trong rư u – ch t. TIRE -- male, because it goes bald.Con th hai, trong khói thu c lá – ch t. WEB PAGE -- female, because it is alwaysCon th ba, trong tinh d ch – ch t. getting hit on.Con th tư, trong t – s ng. SHOE -- male, because it is usuallyBài h c: unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.Ch ng nào mà b n nh u nh t, hút thu c, làm tình, PHOTOCOPIER -- female, because onceb n s không b giun. turned off, it takes a while to warm up again -- andWORLD WAR III only when the right buttons are pushed. HAMMER -- male, because it hasnt evolved President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin much over the last 5,000 years, but its handy toPowell are sitting in a bar. A guy have around.walks in and asks the bartender, "Isnt that Bush, REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female,Rumsfeld and Powell sitting over there?" because it gives men pleasure; hed be lost without Bartender says, "Yep, thats them." it, and while he doesnt always know the right So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this buttons to push, he keeps trying.is a real honor. What are you GI NG C HAY GI NG CÁI?guys doing in here?" 72 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 73. Dao b túi a năng – gi ng c, vì nó có v pig on the road and hes stuck in my truck. Hes stillh u ích trong ph m vi công vi c r ng nhưng ph n wriggling - what should I do?l n th i gian c a nó ch m chai. "In the back of your truck theres a shotgun. Qu c t – gi ng cái, vì hai qu luôn luôn i Shoot the pig in the head and when it stopsvào toa lét có ôi. wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." L p xe – gi ng c, vì nó hóa hói i. The farm worker says okay and signs off. Trang web – gi ng cái, vì nó luôn ư c About 10 minutes later he radiosclick. back. Giày – gi ng c, vì nó thư ng không ư c "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and ánh bóng v i cái lư i thè ra. dragged it out and threw it Máy photocopy – gi ng cái, vì m t khi ã t t in a bush." i thì nó m t m t lúc làm nóng máy tr l i – và "So whats the problem now?" his Bossch khi úng nh ng nút ó ư c b m. snapped. Búa – gi ng c, vì nó không ti n hóa nhi u "The blue light on his motorcycle is stilltrong 5.000 năm qua, nhưng có s n nó thì thu n ti n. flashing." i u khi n t xa – d t khoát là gi ng cái, vì CON L Nnó t o cho àn ông s thú v ; anh ta s c m th y m tmát khi thi u nó, và khi anh ta không ph i luôn luôn M t ngư i làm công cho m t nông tr i ang lái xebi t úng nút b m, anh ta c th b m. xung quanh nông tr i ki m tra hàng rào. Sau m t vài phút anh ta g i vô tuy n i n cho ông ch vàTHE AIR CONDITIONER nói:”Ong ch , tôi g p v n . Tôi va ph i m t con l n trên ư ng và nó k t vào xe. Nó v n còn qu n A customer was continually bothering the qu i – tôi nên làm gì?”waiter in a restaurant; first, hed asked that the air “Sau xe có m t kh u súng săn. B n con l n vào uconditioning be turned up because he was too hot, và khi nó h t qu n qu i ông có th lôi nó ra và némthen he asked it be turned down cause he was too nó vào b i r m.”cold, and so on for about half an hour. Ngư i làm công nói ư c r i và t t máy. Kho ng 10 Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, phút sau anh ta g i l iwalking back and forth and never once getting “Thưa ông ch tôi ã làm nh ng gì ông nói, tôi b nangry. So finally, a second customer asked why con l n và kéo nó ra và ném vào b i r m.”didnt they just throw out the pest. “V y bây gi có v n gì?” ông ch ng t l i. "Oh, I dont care." said the waiter with a “Cái èn xanh trên xe máy nó v n sáng.”smile. "We dont even have an air conditioner." DAUGHTER DATINGMÁY I U HÒA NHI T The mother of a 17-year-old girl was M t khách hành liên t c làm phi n ngư i b i concerned that her daughter was having sex.trong m t nhà hàng; u tiên, anh ta yêu c u b Worried the girl might become pregnant, andph n i u hòa nhi t ư c m lên vì anh ta quá adversely impact the familys status, she consultednóng, sau ó anh ta yêu c u t t nó i vì anh ta quá the family doctor.l nh, và c ti p t c như th kho ng n a gi ng h . The doctor told her that teenagers today were áng ng c nhiên là ngư i b i v n r t kiên very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl wouldnh n, i t i i lui và không bao gi n i gi n m y probably result in rebellion. He then told her tomay. Cu i cùng, th y th m t khách hàng th nhì arrange for her daughter to be put on birth controlh i vì sao h không t ng kh k qu y r y. and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of “ , tôi không c n,” ngư i b i m m cư i condoms.nói. “Chúng tôi không có n m t máy i u hòa Later that evening, as her daughter wasnhi t .” preparing for a date, the woman told her about theTHE PIG situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to A farmhand is driving round the farm, hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You dont have tochecking the fences. After a few minutes he radios worry about that! Im dating Susan!"his boss and says, "Boss, Ive got a problem. I hit a CHUY N H N HÒ YÊU ƯƠNG C A CON GÁI 73 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 74. Ngư i m c a m t cô con gái 17 tu i lo ng i r ng and when he looked at the sky, he couldnt tell whatcon gái mình ang có quan h tình d c. Lo l ng r ng the weather was going to be.con gái có th b mang thai và nh hư ng b t l i t i Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, heuy tín gia ình, bà ta h i ý ki n bác sĩ gia ình. replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed goingBác sĩ nói v i bà ta r ng l a tu i m i l n hi n nay to be cold and that the members of the villager t bư ng b nh và b t c n l c nào ngăn c n cô con should collect wood to be prepared.gái l i s có th gây ra n i lo n. Sau ó ông ta b o But also being a practical leader, after several daysbà ta he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, calledtìm cách cô con gái ư c tránh thai, n lúc ó the National Weather Service and asked, "Is thenói chuy n v i cô ta và ưa cô ta m t h p bao cao coming winter going to be cold?"su. "It looks like this winter is going to be quiteT i hôm ó, khi cô con gái chu n b i chơi v i cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weatherngư i yêu, ngư i m nói chuy n v i cô ta v tình service responded.hình và ưa cô ta m t h p bao cao su tránh thai. So the Chief went back to his people andCô con gái b t u cư i và vươn ngư i ôm ngư i told them to collect even more wood in order to bem và nói:” m ! M không ph i lo l ng v i u prepared. ó ! Con ang yêu Susan !” One week later he called the NationalSHE DISGUISED HERSELF TO JOINT THE Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very coldARMY winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather ServiceOne evening during a poker game, a man was again replied, "its going to be a very cold winter."bragging to his friends about how his sister The Chief again went back to his people anddisguised herself as a man and was able to join the ordered them to collect every scrap of wood theyarmy. could find. "But, wait a minute," said one listener. "Your Two weeks later he called the Nationalsister will have to dress with the boys and shower Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely surewith them, too. Wont she?" that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Sure," replied the man. "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like "Well, wont they find out?" asked another its going to be one of the coldest winters ever."poker player. "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The first man shrugged his shoulders and The weatherman replied, "The Indians arereplied, "Sure. But who is gonna tell?" collecting firewood like crazy."NÓ C I TRANG GIA NH P QUÂN I M T MÙA ÔNG R T L NHM t bu i t i trong lúc chơi xì phé, m t ngư i àn Tr i ang thu, và ngư i da vùng t xaông ang khoác lác v i b n bè em gái anh ta ã c i xôi h i th lĩnh m i c a h mùa ông này s l nhtrang thành àn ông và gia nh p quân i như th hay ôn hòa.nào. Vì là th lĩnh dân da trong xã h i hi n“Nhưng, i tí ã,” m t trong nh ng ngư i nghe i, ông ta chưa bao gi ư c d y nh ng bí quy tnói. “Em gái c a anh s ph i thay v i lính nam xưa, và khi ông ta nhìn lên b u tr i, ông ta khôngvà t m v i h n a, ph i không?” th nói th i ti t s ra sao.“ úng,” ngư i àn ông áp. Tuy nhiên, m t cách c n th n, ông ta tr l i“À, h không phát hi n ra à?” m t tay bài khác h i. v i b l c là mùa ông s l nh th c s và các thànhNgư i àn ông th nh t nhún vai và tr l i: “Có. viên trong làng nên thu lư m g chu n b . NhưngNhưng ai s nói?” cũng là m t lãnh o th c t , sau vài ngày ông taA VERY COLD WINTER ... n y ra m t sáng ki n. Ông ta i n phòng i n tho i, g i v th i ti t qu c gia và h i:”Th i ti t sIt was autumn, and the Indians on the remote tr nên l nh không?”reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was “Có v như mùa ông này s l nh th c s ,”going to be cold or mild. nhà khí tư ng h c v th i ti t tr l i. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern Nghe v y v th lĩnh quay l i b l c và nóisociety, he had never been taught the old secrets, h thu nh t th m chí nhi u c i hơn chu n b . 74 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 75. M t tu n sau ông ta l i g i v th i ti t qu c THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEARgia.”Tr i s r t l nh vào mùa ông này ch ?” ông ta WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THEh i. CHAMBERMAID. “ úng,” ngư i c a c c th i ti t qu c gia tr Hotel, Japan:l i l i. “Mùa ông này s r t l nh.” YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE V th lĩnh quay v b l c m t l n n a và ra ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.l nh thu lư m n t ng m nh nh c i h có th tìm An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:th y. TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST Hai tu n sau ông ta l i g i c c th i ti t qu c METHODISTS.gia.”Ông có oan ch c r ng mùa ông này s r t A laundry in Rome:l nh không” LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE “Ch c ch n,” ngư i àn ông tr l i. “Có v AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING Anhư ây s là mùa ông l nh hơn bao gi h t.” GOOD TIME “Làm th nào mà ông có th qu quy t như Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:v y?” v th lĩnh h i. WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR Nhà khí tư ng h c tr l i:”Ngư i da ang OWN ASS?thu lư m g như iên.” Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:SIGNS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO NH NG BI N HI U Ư C NHÌN TH Y VÒNGHAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. QUANH TH GI I Doctors office, Rome: Phòng cocktail, Na uy: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER Quý bà ư c yêu c u không ư c sinh con trongDISEASES. qu y bar. In a Nairobi restaurant: Phòng m ch bác sĩ Rome: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR Chuyên gia ph n và nh ng b nh khác.WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE Trong m t nhà hàng Nairobi:MANAGER. Khách hàng th y n ti p viên chúng tôi thô l ph i On an AthiRiver highway: g p giám c chúng tôi. TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS Trên m t qu c l AthiRiver:UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. Chú ý: Khi bi n báo này chìm trong nư c thì con On a poster at Kencom: ư ng này không th i qua. ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT Trên m t poster Kencom:READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. B n là m t ngư i trư ng thành không bi t c? N u A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand v y, chúng tôi có th giúp b n.dryer: M t t m bi n ư c nhìn th y trên m t phòng v sinh DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET t ng có máy th i khô tay:HANDS. ng kích ho t v i ôi tay ư t. In a Pumwani maternity ward: phòng s n khoa Pumwani: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. Tr em không ư c ch p nh n. In a cemetery: Trong m t nghĩa trang: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM C m hái hoa m i nơi tr ph n m riêng c a mình.PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR Lu t l và quy nh trong m t khách s n Tokyo:OWN GRAVES. Khách ư c th nh c u không ư c hút thu c ho c Tokyo hotels rules and regulations: làm nh ng vi c kinh t m trên GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO giư ngSMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING Thang máy khách s n, Paris:BEHAVIOURS IN BED. Xin vui lòng nguyên lý c a b n bàn trư c. Hotel elevator, Paris: Khách s n, Yugoslavia: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT Vi c làm ph ng lót m t cách vui thích là côngTHE FRONT DESK. vi c c a n ph c v phòng Hotel, Yugoslavia: Khách s n, Nh t b n: 75 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 76. B n ư c m i t n d ng cô h u phòng. Ngư i àn ông nhìn vào ng h xe hơi vàM t qu ng cáo c a m t nha sĩ H ng Công: tr l i:”8:15.”Nh răng b i nh ng thành viên h i Giám lý m i Ngư i ch y b c m ơn và r i i.nh t. Ngư i àn ông quay l i n m và m i v a chM t ti m gi t Rome: ng lơ mơ thì có m t ti ng gõ khác trên c a s xe vàQuý bà, hãy qu n áo c a quý bà l i và tr i qua m t ngư i ch y b khác.”Xin l i, thưa ông, ông bi tm t bu i chi u vui sư ng. gi không?”Qu ng cáo cho vi c cư i l a, Thái lan: “8:25!”B n có mu n cư i trên con l a c a chính b n Ngư i ch y b l i c m ơn và r i i.không? Lúc y, ngư i àn ông có th th y nh ngPhòng bán vé máy bay, Copenhagen: ngư i ch y b khác ch y ngang qua và ông ta bi tChúng tôi l y gi xách c a b n và g i i m i hư ng. v n ch là th i gian trư c khi m t ngư i khác sWHAT TIME IS IT? qu y r y ông. Hy v ng gi i quy t v n , ông l y ra m t cây bút và t gi y và vi t m t dòng trên c aExhausted from driving, a traveling salesman s :”Tôi không bi tstopped in this one town, and pulled over to get an gi !”hour or two of sleep. But the quiet place he chose M t l n n a ông n m xu ng ng , và m i chhappened to be one of the streets that the majority of mơ màng thì có m t ti ng gõ c a khác trên c a s .the towns people used to take their daily run. “Thưa ông, thưa ông. Bây gi là 8:45!” The salesman had barely pulled over, and REDECORATE THE BEDROOM ...gotten comfortable when a jogger was knocking onhis window, asking, "Excuse me, but do you havethe time?" A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. The man looked at the car clock and She wasnt sure how many rolls of wallpaper sheanswered, "8:15." would need, but she knew that her friend next door The jogger said thanks and left. had recently done the same job and the two rooms The man settled back again, and was just were identical in size.dozing off when there was another knock on the "Buffy," she said, "how many rolls ofwindow and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"have the time?" "Ten," said Buffy. "8:25!" So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and The jogger said thanks and left. did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. Now, the man could see other joggers passing "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls ofby and he knew it was only a matter of time before wallpaper for the bedroom, but Ive got 2 leftover!"another one would be disturbed him. Hoping to "Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."solve his problem he took out a pen and paper and TRANG HOÀNG L I PHÒNG NG ...put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know thetime!" M t ph n tr quy t nh trang hoàng l i phòng Again he settled back to sleep, and was just ng . Ch không bi t mình c n bao nhiêu cu n gi ydozing off when there was another knock on the dán tư ng, nhưng ch bi t là b n ch nhà k bên ãwindow. làm vi c như v y và hai căn phòng có c gi ng h t "Sir, sir? Its 8:45!" nhau.M Y GI R I? “Buffy,” ch nói, “b n ã mua bao nhiêu cu n gi y dán tư ng cho phòng ng ?” M t m i vì lái xe, m t ngư i bán hàng d o “Mư i,” Buffy nói.d ng l i m t th tr n, và t p xe vào l ng m t Vì th ch ta mua mư i cu n gi y và trang hoànghai gi . Nhưng nơi yên tĩnh ông ta ch n l i ng u căn phòng, nhưng ch dư ra 2 cu n.nhiên là m t trong nh ng con ư ng mà ph n l n “Buffy,” ch nói.”Tôi mua mư i cu n gi y dánngư i th tr n dùng ch y hàng ngày. tư ng phòng ng , nhưng tôi dư 2 Ngư i bán hàng m i v a t p xe vào và cu n !”buông ngư i thư giãn thì m t ngư i ch y b gõ c a “ !” Buffy nói. “Tôi cũng v y.”s xe, h i:”Xin l i, ông bi t gi không?” THE PRESIDENT OF VERY FEW WORDS 76 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 77. President Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president The third worker reported, "To-to-to-to t-t-(1923 to 1929) was a man of very few words. One today, I-I-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi-Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, b- bibles!"stayed home. When he returned, she asked, "Was the "Great," said the boss. "However, I want yousermon good?" to sell a lot more Bibles than that, so get out there "Yup," was Coolidges brief reply. tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!" "What was it about?" Grace asked. At the end of the second day, the first worker "Sin." came in and reported, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." "And what did the minister say?" The second worker reported, "I sold 44 "Hes against it." Bibles today"V T NG TH NG R T KI M L I The third worker reported, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 T ng th ng M th 30 Calvin Coolidge Bibles."(1923-1929) là m t ngư i nói r t ng n g n. M t ch "Fantastic," said the man, "since youre doingnh t, ông i nhà th , nhưng phu nhân Grace nhà. so well, so much better than these other two bums,Khi ông quay v , bà h i:”Bài gi ng có hay không” why dont you tell them what your sales technique“Có,” ông tr l i ng n g n. is."“Ch gì v y?” Grace h i. Replied the worker, "I-I -I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just“T i l i.” wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to“Và m c sư nói gì?” up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them “Cha ch ng l i nó.” and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w- w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they wantSELLING BIBLES... to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- a-bi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, A door-to-door entrepreneur became rather or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me tobored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to read it to th-th-them..."become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for BÁN KINH THÁNH ...him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell M t ngư i bán hàng n t n nhà c m th y có ph nBibles for you." m t m i v i công vi c bán Kinh Thánh c a mình "Okay, youre hired. Heres your kit -- go nên ông ta quy t nh tr thành m t ông ch , thuê basell!" ngư i bán Kinh Thánh cho ông ta. Ông ta ã ph ng The second came in and said, "I want to sell v n ba ngư i.Bibles for you." Ngư i u tiên n và nói:” Em mu n bán Kinh "Okay, youre hired! Heres your kit -- go Thánh cho anh.”sell!" “ ư c. Tôi nh n anh. ây là nh ng th c n thi t – The third came in and said, "I- I - I wa - wa- i bán i!”wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell Bi - bi - bi Ngư i th hai n và nói:”Em mu n bán Kinh- Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Thánh cho anh.”Bibles for you!" “ ư c, tôi nh n anh! ây là nh ng th c n thi t – i "No," shouted the man, "this will never bán i!”work! You cant sell Bibles for me!" Ngư i th ba n và nói:” Em...em...em mu n The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r- ...u n...u n b...b...b...án...bán... bán...Ki-Ki-Ki-Kinheall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, Thánh, bán Kinh...Kinh Thánh ch-ch-ch-cho anhreally need th-th-this job!" Kinh Thánh cho anh!” As there were no other applicants, the man “Không,” ngư i bán hàng la lên, “như th này thì ssaid, "Okay, Ill give you one shot at this, but I không bao gi làm vi c ư c! Anh không th bánexpect you to produce!" Kinh Thánh cho tôi!” At the end of the day, the first applicant Ngư i xin vi c tr l i:”Nh-nh-nh-nh-nhưng em th-came back and reported, "I sold 8 Bibles today." th-th-th t s , nhưng em th t s , th t s , c-c-c-c-c n, The second reported, "I sold 11 Bibles th c s c n công vi c n-n-này!”today." 77 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 78. Vì không còn ngư i xin vi c nào n a nên ngư i àn “Các b n có th tư ng tư ng,” ông ta yêuông nói:” ư c r i, tôi s cho anh th vi c, nhưng tôi c u, “ngư i ta trình nguyên th y n ngư ihy v ng anh s làm vi c có k t qu !” ta r t thích ăn cái còn phôi thai c a m t m t s loàiVào cu i ngày, ngư i xin vi c u tiên quay l i và chim nào ó, và nh ng lát c t t b ng c a m t snói:”Hôm nay em bán ư c 8 cu n Kinh Thánh.” loài thú v t nào ó.Và h xay nh h t m t lo i c ,Ngư i th hai nói:” Em bán ư c 11 cu n Kinh làm thành th nhão nhão, t trên m t ng n l a, sauThánh.” ó bôi b n b ng m t th b n nh n mà h trích ra tNgư i làm thuê th ba nói:”Hô-hô-hô-hô h-h-hôm ch t l ng t vú c a nh ng loài thú v t khác.”nay, em-em-em bán-bán, em bán, em bán, em bán, Khi sinh viên gi t mình b i c nh man r , nhàem bán 28 cu n Kinh-Kinh-K-Kinh Thánh!” thám hi m nh nhàng thêm vào:”Cái mà tôi v a mô“Hay quá,” ông ch nói. “Tuy v y, tôi mu n anh bán t , dĩ nhiên, là m t b a ăn sáng g m th t heo mu im t s nhi u hơn v y n a, v y hãy i bán ngoài xông khói và tr ng và bánh mỳ nư ng có bơ.”ngày mai và ki m cho tôi m t s ti n!” HIGH TECHCu i ngày th hai, ngư i làm thuê th nh t bư cvào và cho bi t:”Hôm nay, em bán ư c 32 cu n Three men are sitting naked in the sauna.Kinh Thánh.” Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The firstNgư i làm thuê th hai cho bi t:”Hôm nay em bán man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. ư c 44 cu n Kinh Thánh.” The others look at him questioningly.Ngư i th ba báo cáo:”Hô-hô-hô-h-hôm nay, em- "Thats my pager," he says. "I have aem-em bán, em bán , em bán 79 cu n Ki-Ki-Ki- bán microchip under the skin of my arm."79, bán 79 cu n Kinh Thánh.” A few minutes later a phone rings. The“R t tuy t,” ông ch nói, “vì anh làm quá t t, quá t t second man lifts his palm to his ear. When hehơn nhi u hai ngư i kia, sao anh không nói cho h finishes he explains,bi t v cách anh bán hàng?” "Thats my mobile phone. I have a microchipNgư i làm thuê tr l i:”Em –em-em ch-ch-ch-ch- in my hand."chi-chi-chi-ch i, i, i, ch i- i- i- i, ch i t i t i The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech,t i ch i t i h và và h i, h và h i,h và h i h-h-h- steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returnsh có có h i h có mu n h i h có mu n m-m-m-m with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.h i h có mu n mua Ki-k-mu n mua Kinh-Kinh- The others raise their eyebrows.Kinh Thánh, hay h-h-h-h-h-h m-m-m-mu n em c "Im getting a Fax," he explainskinh cho h-h-h ...” CÔNG NGH CAOPRIMITIVE MEAL Ba ngư i àn ông ng i kh a thân trong phòng t m A famed English explorer was invited hơi.to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African t nhiên có m t ti ng bíp. Ngư i àn ông u tiênjungle. nh n c ng tay và ti ng bíp ngưng. "Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so Hai ngư i kia nhìn ông ta dò h i.primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain “ ó là máy nh n tin c a tôi,” ông ta nói. “Tôi cóbirds, and slices from the belly of certain m t vi m ch dư i da c ng tay.”animals.And grind up grass seed,make it into a M t vài phút sau có nh ng ti ng reo i n tho i.paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy Ngư i àn ông th hai nâng lòng bàn tay lên tai. Khimess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain ông ta xong vi c, ông ta gi i thích:other animals." “ ó là i n tho i di ng c a tôi. Tôi có vi m ch When the students looked startled by such trong tay tôi.”barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What Ive Ngư i àn ông th ba rõ ràng c m th y mình khôngbeen describing, of course,is a breakfast of bacon có công ngh cao, bư c ra kh i phòng t m. M t vàiand eggs and buttered toast." phút sau ông ta quay l i v i v i t gi y v sinh lòi raB A ĂN TH I NGUYÊN TH Y t phía sau. Hai ngư i kia như n lông mày. M t nhà thám hi m n i ti ng ngư i Anh “Tôi ang nh n m t cu c fax,” ông ta gi i thích. ư c m i nDartmouth k v nh ng cu c phiêu SKILLlưu u tiên c a ông trong r ng Châu Phi. 78 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 79. "So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the Ngư i soát gh tr nên m t kiên nh n vàinterviewer, "have you any other skills you think nói:”Thưa ông, n u ông không ng d y t ch ómight be worth mentioning?" thì tôi s i g i ông qu n lý.” M t l n n a, ngư i "Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. àn ông ch rên r , làm ngư i sóat vé t c iên; ông ta"Last year I had two short stories published in quay i và bư c nhanh ngư c lên l i i gi a dãy ghnational magazines, and I finished my novel." tìm ngư i qu n lý. "Very impressive," he commented, "but I was Trong giây lát, c ngư i soát vé và ngư ithinking of skills you could apply during office qu n lý u quay l i và ng trư c ngư i àn ông.hours." C hai cùng c g ng nhi u l n ngư i àn ông Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was ng d y, “ ư c r i, ông b n,” ngư i qu n lý nói,during office hours." “Tên ông là gì?”K NĂNG “Sam,” ngư i àn ông rên r . “Ông t âu t i, ông Sam?” “V y thì hãy nói cho tôi bi t, ông Smith,” V i gi ng au n, Sam tr l i:” Tngư i ph ng v n h i, “ông có nh ng k năng khác ban công.”mà ông nghĩ áng ư c nói n?” DISCUSSING THE USE OF THE CAR “Th c s thì có,” ngư i xin vi c khiêm t n áp. “Năm ngoái tôi có hai truy n ng n ư c in trên A young boy had just gotten his drivingcác t p chí qu c gia, và tôi ã hoàn thành ti u thuy t permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, ifc a tôi.” they could discuss the use of the car. His father took “R t n tư ng,” ngư i ph ng v n nh n xét, “ him to his study and saidnhưng tôi ã nghĩ nh ng k năng mà ông có th to him, "Ill make a deal with you. You bring yourdùng trong nh ng gi trong văn phòng.” grades up, study your bible a little and get a hair cut Ông Smith gi i thích m t sáng r :” , chúng and well talk about it." ư c vi t trong nh ng gi trong văn phòng.” After about a month the boy came back andRESERVED SEATING again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. "Son, Ive been real proud of you. You have An usher in a very posh theater noticed a brought your grades up, youve studied your bibleman sprawled across three seats. "Sorry, sir," the diligently, but you didnt get your hair cut!"usher said, "but youre only allowed one seat." The young man replied, "You know Dad, Ive The man groaned but didnt budge. been thinking about that. You know, Samson had The usher became impatient and said, "Sir, if long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,you dont get up from there Im going to have to call and even Jesus had long hair...."the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which To which his father replied... "Yes, and theyinfuriated the usher, who turned and marched WALKED every where they went!"briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. NÓI CHUY N V VI C S D NG Ô TÔ In a few moments, both the usher and themanager returned and stood over the man. Together M t thanh niên tr m i nh n b ng lái xe.the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, "All Anh ta h i cha là m t m c sư là có th nói chuy nright buddy," the manager said, "whats your name?" s d ng ô tô không. Cha anh ta b o anh ta h c và "Sam," the man moaned. nói:”Cha s nói chuy n v i con. Con nâng c p lên, "Where did you come from, Sam?" h c m t ít Kinh Thánh và i h t tóc và chúng ta s With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The nói v chuy n ó.”balcony." Sau kho ng m t tháng chàng thanh niênCH NG I B DÀNH TRƯ C quay l i và l i h i cha li u h có th nói chuy n s d ng xe hơi không. “Con ta, cha th c s t hào v M t ngư i soát vé trong m t nhà hát r t sang con. Con ã nâng c p, con ã c n m n h c Kinhtr ng chú ý th y m t ngư i àn ông n m ư n qua Thánh, nhưng con chưa i h t tóc!”ba chi c gh . “Xin l i, thưa ông, “ ngư i soát gh Chàng thanh niên tr l i:”Cha bi t không,nói, “ông ch ư c phép ng i trên m t gh .” con ã nghĩ v i u ó. Cha xem, Samson có tóc Ngư i àn ông rên r nhưng không nhúc dài, Moses có tóc dài, Noah có tóc dài, và ngay cnhích. Chúa Jesus có tóc dài ...” 79 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 80. V i câu nói ó ngư i cha tr l i ...” úng , fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-upvà các ngài i b m i nơi các ngài n!” buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuseAUSTRALIAN CRICKET SUPPORTER in the building. CHUY N THAM QUAN C A CÁC VIPThis Australian cricket supporter is at the WorldCup final when he has a heart attack. Upon arrivingat the Pearly Gates, he meets up with St. Peter, who Có d o ch ng tôi làm vi c trong m t chi nhánh inasks him why he thinks he deserves to enter Heaven. c a m t công ty s n xu t l n. M t bu i sáng, có l i "Well," the Aussie says, "three weeks ago I t trên xu ng r ng m t s y u nhân khách m i sgave ten dollars to a charity for the disabled!" tham quan nhà máy ch trong m t vài phút. T t c St. Peter frowns and says, "What else?" các s n ph m ngay l p t c ư c ngưng ch t o trong "Two weeks ago I gave ten dollars to the khi công nhân nhanh chóng bò ra d n s ch nơihomeless shelter!" the Aussie continues. làm vi c. Khi ngư i canh gác la lên:”H ang n!” "What else?" thì năm mươi ngón tay trong tư th s n sàng trên "A week ago I gave ten dollars to the năm mươi nút b m máy nh n xu ng cùng lúc và làmorphanage!" n tung m i c u chì trong tòa nhà. So Peter tells the Aussie to wait for just a GOODBYE MOTHERminute and hell be right back. About five minuteslater Peter returns and says, "Well, I have discussed A young man was walking through a supermarket toyour case with the Boss, and he agrees with me. pick up a few things when he noticed an old ladyHeres your thirty dollars back, now go to Hell!" following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and NG H VIÊN CRIKÊ NGƯ I ÚC continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. ng h viên crikê ngư i Úc này ang trong vòng "Pardon me," she said, "Im sorry if mychung k t cúp th gi i thì ông ta lên cơn au tim. staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. ItsKhi lên n C a Ng c, ông ta g p Thánh Peter , just that you look just like my son, who just diedngư i h i ông ta t i sao ông ta nghĩ ông ta x ng recently." áng vào Thiên àng. "Im very sorry," replied the young man, "is“ ,” ngư i Úc nói, “ba tu n trư c ây con cho h i there anything I can do for you?"t thi n c a nh ng ngư i tàn t t 10 ô la. "Yes," she said, "As Im leaving, can you sayThánh Peter nhíu mày và nói:”Gì n a?” Good bye, Mother? It would make me feel so much“Hai tu n trư c ây con cho nh ng ngư i vô gia cư better."10 ô la!” ngư i Úc ti p t c. "Sure," answered the young man.“Gì n a?” As the old woman was leaving, he called out,“M t tu n trư c ây con cho tr i m côi 10 ô la!” "Goodbye, Mother!"Nghe v y Thánh Peter nói ngư i Úc i trong vòng As he stepped up to the checkout counter, hech m t phút và ngài s quay l i ngay. Kho ng 5 saw that his total was $127.50.phút sau Thánh Peter quay l i và nói:”À, ta ã bàn "How can that be?" He asked, "I onlyvi c c a con v i ch Thiên àng, và ngài ng ý purchased a few things!"v i ta. ây là ti n tr l i ba mươi ô la, bây gi i "Your mother said that you would pay forxu ng a ng c i!” her," said the clerk. T M BI T MÁVIPS’ TOUR M t thanh niên ang i qua m t siêu thMy husband was once employed in the printing mua m t vài món hàng thì anh ta chú ý th y m t bàdivision of a large manufacturing firm. One lão i v n vơ theo anh ta. Nghĩ r ng ch ng có gì, anhmorning, word came from the top that some visiting ta l bà già và ti p t c i. Cu i cùng anh ta i t iVIPs would be touring the plant in hàng ngư i tính ti n, nhưng bà ta i vào trư c anh.just a few minutes. All production was immediately “Xin l i,” bà ta nói, “ Tôi xin l i n u tôi nhìnshut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy ch m ch m vào anh làm anh khó ch u. ó ch vì anhup the work place. When the appointed lookout có v gi ng con trai tôi, ngư i m i ch t g n ây.”yelled, "Here they come!" fifty 80 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 81. “Cháu r t l y làm ti c,” anh thanh niên áp, Má v nhanh chóng chê bai l n ti ng và lâu v tính“cháu có th làm gì giúp bác không?” không chín ch n c a ông. “Có,” bà già áp, “khi tôi r i i, cháu có th Quý ông ch nói m t i u:”A, má chưa dùng mónnói “t m bi t má” ? Như th s làm bác c m th y t t quà con t ng năm ngoái.”hơn r t nhi u.” SALESMAN PITCH “ ư c,” anh thanh niên áp. Khi bà lão r i i, anh ta g i to: “T m bi t Little old lady answered a knock on the door onemá!” day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young Khi anh ta bư c n qu y tính ti n, anh ta man carrying a vacuum cleaner.th y t ng s ti n là 127,50 ô la. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I “Sao l i v y ư c?” Anh ta h i, “tôi ch mua could take a couple minutes of your time, I wouldm t vài món!” like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered “Má anh nói r ng anh s tr cho bà,” ngư i vacuum cleaners."thu ti n nói. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I havent gotPROSPECTIVE STUDENT OF any money" and she proceeded to close the door.AGRICULTURE Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.The school of agricultures dean of admissions was "Dont be too hasty!" he said. "Not until youinterviewing a prospective student, "Why have you have at least seen my demonstration."chosen this career?" he asked. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse "I dream of making a million dollars in shit onto her hallway carpet.farming, like my father," the student replied. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all "Your father made a million dollars in traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, Ifarming?" echoed the dean much impressed. will personally eat the remainder." "No," replied the applicant. "But he always "Well," she said, "I hope you have a damneddreamed of it." good appetite, because the electricity was cut off thisSINH VIÊN TƯƠNG LAI KHOA NÔNG morning."NGHI P RAO HÀNGTrư ng phòng thu nh n sinh viên c a trư ng ang M t ngày kia, bà lão nh bé ra tr l i m t ti ng gõph ng v n m t sinh viên tương lai:”T i sao em ch n c a ch g p m t thanh niên ăn m t ch nh t c mngh này?” ông ta h i. m t cái máy hút b i.“Em mơ ư c làm ra m t tri u ô la trong vi c tr ng “Xin chào,” ngư i thanh niên nói. “N u cháu có thtr t như ba em,” chàng sinh viên tr l i. làm m t thì gi c a bà vài phút, cháu s cho bà th y“Ba em ã làm ra m t tri u ô la trong vi c tr ng chi c máy hút b i công su t m nh m i nh t.”tr t?” trư ng khoa l p l i v i nhi u n tư ng. “ i i!” bà lão nói. “Tôi không có ti n” và ti p theo,“Không,” ngư i n p ơn tr l i. “Nhưng ông luôn bà óng c a.mơ ư c v i u ó.” Nhanh như ch p, ngư i thanh niên lèn chân vào c aTHE GIFT và y nó m r ng ra. “ ng quá v i!” anh ta nói. “Hãy i cho t i khi ítA gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his nh t bác th y ư c cháu bi u di n máy.”mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. Và v i l i ó, anh ta h t xô phân ng a lên trênOn her next birthday, he bought her nothing. chi c th m phòng trư c. She was quick to comment loud and long on “N u cái máy hút b i này không l y i h t t t c cáchis thoughtlessness. d u v t c a phân ng a t chi c th m c a bác thì, The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, thưa bác, cháu s ích thân ăn cái còn l i.”you havent used the gift I gave you last year." “ ,” bà lão áp, “Tôi hy v ng ông có s thèm ănMÓN QUÀ ch t ti t vì i n b cúp sáng nay.” TRUCKER AND 3 BIKERSM t quý ông, t nhiên có ý tư ng mua quà, ã muacho má v m t m nh t l n trong m t nghĩa trang At a truck stop off I-40 in Arkansas about 2 oclock t ti n. Vào ngày sinh nh t ti p theo, ông ta không in the morning, a trucker was having a cup of coffeemua cho bà cái gì h t. 81 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 82. and a piece of pie and was romancing the solitary "Boy, thats incredible. I wish I had a watchwaitress like that one. You wouldnt consider selling it by anythere. chance?" All of a sudden, three mean looking bikers "Well, actually the novelty has worn off forcame in. They observed the connection between the me, so for $900, if you want it, its yours."waitress and the trucker and started to make nasty The watchless traveler whips out hisand suggestive remarks trying to get the trucker to checkbook fast enough to hand over a check forstart something.But the trucker didnt say anything, $900.just paid his bill The seller takes off the watch and gives it toand walked out. him. “Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Looks watch." Then, handing the two suitcases over aslike your boyfriend aint much of a man." well, he says, "And here are the batteries." The waitress just leaned on the cash register NG H K THU T CAOand looked out the window and said, "Yeah, and heaint much of a trucker either. He just ran his truck M t ngư i àn ông ang t i Ga L n Trung Tâmover three motorcycles." i chuy n tàu i lúc 6 gi chi u, nhưng ông ãTÀI X XE T I VÀ 3 NGƯ I I MÔ TÔ quên ng h . Vì v y ông ta tìm ki m ngư i h i gi . Ông ta nh n ra m t thanh niên mang hai va lyT i tr m d ng xe t i I-40 Arkansas kho ng 2 gi và di n m t cái ng h eo tay công ngh caosáng, m t tài x xe t i ang u ng m t tách cà phê và không th tin ư c, vì v y ông h i gi anh ta.m t ăn m t m u bánh patê và ang tán t nh cô ph c Chàng trai tr l i:” ư c, qu c gia nào?”v c thân ó. Ngư i àn ông h i:”Chú mày có bao nhiêu qu cB ng nhiên, 3 ngư i àn ông trông có v là ngư i i gia?” và chàng thanh niên áp:”T t c các qu c giamô tô i vào. H xem vi c nói chuy n gi a cô ph c trên th gi i!”v và anh tài x và b t u ưa ra nh ng nh n xét ác “Chà! M t cái ng h khá là chi n mà chú màyý và khiêu khích c làm cho tài x ph i b t u làm có.”cái gì ó. Nhưng tài x không nói gì c , ch tr ti n “Cái ó chưa là gì,” chàng thanh niên nói. “ ng hvà bư c i. này còn có fax, email và còn th m chí thu sóngM t trong 3 ngư i i mô tô nói v i cô ph c v :”Có nh ng kênh truy n hình NTSC và hi n hình trênv như b n trai cô không có v àn ông nhi u l m.” màn hình pixel tinh th l ng màu ho t ng thu nhCô ph c v ch nghiêng ngư i trên qu y thu ti n và c a nó!”nhìn qua c a s và nói:” úng, và anh ta cũng không “Chú em, th t không th tin ư c. Tôi ư c gì tôi cócó v là m t tài x xe t i n a. Anh ta ã cán ba chi c m t ng h như v y. Chú mày không nghĩ t i vi cmô tô r i.” bán nó b t c d p nào ch ?”HI-TECH WATCH “ , th c s món m i l này làm m ng cháu i, v y cho 900 ô la, n u chú thích, nó là c a chú.”A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his Ngư i i ư ng không có ng h nhanh chóng rúttrain that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his s séc ra ưa m t t m séc 900 ô la.watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He Ngư i bàn c i ng h và ưa cho ông ta. Xin chúcspots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this m ng, ây là ng h công ngh cao m i c a ông.”fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. Sau ó, cũng ưa hai va ly, anh ta nói:”Còn ây là The guy replies "Sure, which country?" b pin.” The fella asks, "How many countries have MIND READERyou got?" to which the young man replies, "All thecountries in the world!" One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to "Wow! Thats a pretty cool watch youve got one side was a small tent, with a sign that said "Forthere." 50 dollars Ill teach you to be a mind reader! - Apply "Thats nothing," the young man says. "This within."watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can So the young man thought that hed give it aeven receive NTSC television channels and display go, and went inside. Behind a small table inside wasthem on its miniature active color pixel LCD an old man, who looked up when the young manscreen!" entered and says, "Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons." 82 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 83. "Er, yes," the young man said. in again and asked for the third time how much the "Well, follow me, and Ill give you your first TV was. The man said "FOR THE FINAL TIME Ilesson." DONT SALE STUFF TO BLONDES!!" She said, Then the old man goes out the back of the "How did you know I was a blonde?" He said,tent and comes back with a hose. "Here, hold this "That’s not a TV. It’s a microwave!!!!!"hose," he said. MUA M T CÁI TIVI "Why?" said the young man. "Its part of the lesson," replies the old man, M t ngày kia, m t cô gái tóc hoe i vào m t"Now, look in the end and tell me what you see." c a hàng second hand và h i ngư i bán So the young man looks into the end of the hàng:”Cái tivi trong c a s kia giá bao nhiêu?”hose. "I dont see anything," he says. Ngư i àn ông nói:”Xin l i. Tôi không bán hàng Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the cho nh ng ngư i tóc hoe.” Vì v y cô ta bư c rahose shoots water into the young mans face. ngoài.Hôm sau cô ta i vào v i m t mái tóc . Cô "I just knew youd do something like that." ta h i cái ti vi trong c a s giá bao nhiêu m t l nthe young man shouts at the old man. n a. Và m t l n n a anh ta nói anh ta không bán "There. Youre a mind reader!" the old man hàng cho ngư i tóc hoe. Ngày hôm sau cô ta n vàreplies, "Thatll be 50 dollars." l i h i l n th ba ti vi giá bao nhiêu. Ngư i àn ôngNGƯ I C Ý NGHĨ NGƯ I KHÁC nói”L N CU I CÙNG TÔI KHÔNG BÁN HÀNG CHO NGƯ I TÓC HOE!!” Cô ta nói:”T i sao ôngM t ngày kia, m t ngư i àn ông i chơi h i ch . bi t tôi là ngư i tóc hoe?”Anh ta nói:” ó khôngm t bên là m t cái r p nh có m t t m bi n : “V i ph i là cái ti vi. ó là m t cái lò vi sóng!!!!!”50 ô la tôi s d y b n tr thành m t ngư i c ý STEVIE WONDER AND TIGER WOODSnghĩ! – Liên h bên trong.”Th y v y, ngư i thanh niên nghĩ anh nên i và vào Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.bên trong. ng sau m t cái bàn nh trong là m t Woods turns to Wonder and says: “How is theông già, ông ta nhìn lên khi anh thanh niên bư c vào singing career going?"và nói:”A, cháu ph i t i ây h c nh ng bài h c Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! Hows c ý nghĩ.” the golf?"“Ơ, d ,” chàng thanh niên áp. Woods replies: "Not too bad, Ive had some“A, theo bác, và bác s cho cháu bài h c u tiên.” problems with my swing, but I think Ive got thatSau ó ông già i ra sau r p và quay l i v i m t cái right now." ng nư c.” ây, gi cái ng nư c này,” ông già nói. Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when“T i sao?” chàng thanh niên nói. my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a“ ó là m t ph n c a bài h c,” ông già tr l i. “Bây while and not think about it. Then, the next time Igi nhìn vào cu i ng và nói cho bác cháu th y gì.” play, it seems to be all right.”Nghe v y chàng thanh niên nhìn vào cu i ng. Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"“Cháu không th y gì h t,” anh ta áp. Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, Ive beenNgay sau ó ông già m vòi nư c, và cái vòi b n playing for years."nư c vào m t anh thanh niên. And Woods says: "But, youre blind. How“Cháu bi t ngay bác s làm cái gì gi ng v y,” chàng can you play golf if youre blind?"thanh niên hét l n v i ông già. Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in“ ó. Cháu là m t ngư i c ý nghĩ!” ông già áp, the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for“như v y s là 50 ô la.” the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddyBUYING A TV moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."One day a blonde walked into a second hand store "But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.and asked the clerk "How much is that TV in the "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to leanwindow?" The man said, "Im sorry. I dont sell stuff down in front of the hole and call to me with histo blondes." So She walked out. The next day she head on the ground and I just play the ball towardscame in as a red head. She asked how much the TV his voice."was in the window again. And again he said he Woods asks: "Whats your handicap?"didnt sell things to blondes. The next day she came Stevie says, "Well, Im a scratch golfer." 83 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 84. Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "Weve communications equipment. Due to the clouds andgot to play a round sometime." haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters Wonder replies: "Well, people dont take me position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew towardseriously, so I only play for money, and never play it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that saidfor less than $10,000 a hole." "WHERE AM I?" in large Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, Im letters.game for that, when would you like to play?" People in the tall building quickly responded Stevie says, "Pick a night!" to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in aSTEVIE WONDER VÀ TIGER WOODS building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."Stevie Wonder và Tiger Woods ang trong m t The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,bar. Woods quay qua Wonder và nói:”S nghi p ca determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport,hát c a anh như th nào r i?” and landed safely. After they were on the ground,Stevie Wonder tr l i:”Không t i l m! Còn vi c the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.chơi golf c a anh th nào r i?” "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building,Woods tr l i:”Không t i l m, tôi có vài v n because they gave me a technically correct buttrong quá trình ho t ng, nhưng tôi nghĩ tôi bây gi completely useless answer."tôi ã vư t qua ư c.” TÔI ANG ÂU?Stevie Wonder nói:”Tôi luôn th y r ng khi ho t ng c a tôi t i i, tôi c n d ng chơi m t quãng th i M t chi c tr c thăng ang bay vònggian và không nghĩ v nó. Sau ó, l n tôi chơi k trên Seattle thì m t s c i n t làm hư t t c thi tti p, tình hình có v n th a.” b liên l c và nh hư ng i n t c a chi c máy bay.Tiger Woods nói:”B n chơi gôn à?” Vì mây và mù, viên phi công không th nh ư c vStevie Wonder nói:” , úng, tôi ã chơi trong trí c a chi c tr c thăng. Viên phi công th y m t tòanhi u năm.” nhà cao, bay v phía nó, o vòng quanh, và ưa raVà Woods nói:”Nhưng b n mù. Làm th nào b n có m t t m bi n vi t tay “TÔI ÂU?” c ch l n.th chơi gôn n u b n mù?” Ngư i trong tòa nhà cao nhanh chóng tr l iWonder tr l i:”Tôi cho ngư i lư m banh ng gi a chi c máy bay, ưa ra m t t m bi n l n và gi nó ư ng lăn banh và g i tôi. Tôi nghe ti ng nó và trong m t c a s tòa nhà. T m bi n c a h c ghi ánh banh hư ng v nó. Sau ó, khi tôi i nơi trái “ANH ANG TRÊN M T CHI C TR Cbanh h xu ng, ngư i lư m banh chuy n t i vùng THĂNG.”c xa hơn dư i ư ng lăn banh và m t l n n a tôi Viên phi công m m cư i, v y tay, nhìn b n ánh trái banh hư ng v ti ng anh ta.” , quy t nh vòng bay lái t i sân bay SEATAC,“Nhưng làm th nào b n ánh nh vào l gôn?”, và h cánh an toàn. Sau khi h ã trên m t t,Wood h i. viên phi công ph h i h i viên phi công chính anh ta“À,” Stevie nói, tôi cho ngư i lư m banh cu i ã làm như th nào.xu ng trư c l và g i tôi v i cái u trên m t t và “Tôi bi t ó ph i là tòa nhà c a hãngtôi ch vi c ánh trái banh hư ng v ti ng anh ta.” Microsoft, vì h ưa tôi m t câu tr l i úng v kWoods h i:”Có ch p không?” thu t nhưng hoàn toàn vô d ng.”Stevie nói:”Ô, tôi là ngư i chơi không ch p.” FUNNY SIGNSWoods, ng v c, nói v i Stevie:”Chúng ta chơi m tsét m t lúc nào ó i.” Sign over a gynaecologists office "Dr. Jones, atWonder tr l i:”A, ngư i ta không cho tôi là quan your cervix."tr ng l m, vì th tôi ch chơi ăn ti n, và không bao At a military hospital door to endoscopy: "Togi chơi ít hơn 10.000 ô la m t l .” expedite your visit, please back in"Woods nghĩ v i u ó và nói:” ư c, tôi s chơi, On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what yourkhi nào anh mu n chơi?” husband fixed."Stevie nói:”Ch n m t êm i!” On the trucks of a local plumbing company:WHERE AM I? "Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza A helicopter was flying around makes one weak."above Seattle when an electrical malfunction At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us todisabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and your next blowout." 84 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 85. Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello. Trong m t khu không hút thu c:”N u chúng tôi th yCan we pick your nose?" khói, chúng tôi s cho là b n ang cháy và s thi At a towing company: "We dont charge an hành nh ng hành vi thích h p.”arm and a leg. We want tows." T i m t phòng o th l c:”N u b n không th y cái On an electricians truck: "Let us remove your b n ang tìm ki m thì b n ã n úng nơi.”shorts." T i m t phòng m ch bác sĩ chuyên khoa chân:”Th i In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we gian làm t n thương m i gót chân.”will assume you are on fire and take appropriate Trên m t hàng rào:”Hoan nghênh nh ng ngư i bánaction." hàng! Th c ăn cho chó thì t.” At an optometrists office: "If you dont see Bên ngoài c a hi u ng pô:”Không c n thi t ph iwhat youre looking for, youve come to the right cu c h n g p. Chúng tôi nghe b n i n.”place." phòng i bác sĩ thú y:”S quay l i trong 5 phút. In a podiatrists office: "Time wounds all Hây ng i! Hãy l i!”heels." T i m t công ty i n:”Chúng tôi s hài lòng n u b n On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is n p hóa ơn c a b n. Tuy nhiên, n u b n không n pexpensive. thì b n s ph i n p.” Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment Trên m t c a s nhà hàng:” ng ng ó và b ói.necessary.We hear you coming." Hãy vào và tr nên n ăn.” In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 Trong sân trư c c a m t nhà có ám tang:”Lái c nminutes.Sit! Stay!" th n. Chúng tôi s i.” At the electric company: "We would be de- T i m t tr m prôpan:”Thiên àng thùng ch a cholighted if you send in your bill. However, if you nh ng quán nư ng nh .”dont, you will be." DEALING WITH TRAFFIC In a restaurant window: "Dont stand thereand be hungry. Come on in and get fed up." A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive time went by, the traffic slowly built up at ancarefully.Well wait" alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven that his chickens were being run over at a rate offor little grills. three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriffsNH NG T M BI N BU N CƯ I office and said, “Youve got to do something about all of these people drivingT m bi n trên phòng m ch bác sĩ ph khoa:”Bác sĩ so fast and killing all of myJones, t i c t cung b n.” chickens." "What do you want me toT i c a quân y vi n n phòng n i soi:” xúc ti n do?" asked the sheriff.vi c i thăm c a b n, xin i lùi vào.” "I dont care, just do something about thoseTrên m t xe t i c a m t th ng nư c:”Chúng tôi drivers."s a nh ng gì ch ng b n ã s a.” So the next day he had the county go out andTrên nh ng chi c xe t i c a m t công ty hàn chì a put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOLphương:” ng i ng v i nư c ch y nh gi t. Hãy CROSSING.g i th ng nư c c a b n.” Three days later the farmer called the sheriffT i m t c a hi u pizza:”7 ngày không có pizza t o and said, "Youve got to do something about thesethành m t s y u t1” drivers. The school crossing sign seems to makeT i m t c a hi u Milwaukee:”Hãy m i chúng tôi them go faster." So, again, thet i l n x p l p s p t i c a b n.” sheriff sends out the county and they put up a newC a m t phòng m ch bác sĩ gi i ph u dùng ch t sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.d o:”Xin chào. Chúng tôi có th nh t mũi b n And that really sped them up. So the farmerkhông?” called and called and called everyday for threeT i m t công ty kéo hàng:”Chúng tôi không tính weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs areti n m t tay và m t chân. Chúng tôi mu n kéo.” doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up myTrên m t xe t i th i n:”Hãy chúng tôi c i own sign?"nh ng cái qu n soóc c a b n.” The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just 85 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 86. about anything in order to have him stop calling. “ , tôi có d ng. Và không có con gà nào b gi t tWell, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. khi ó c . Tôi ph i i. Tôi r t b n.” Và bác nông dân Three weeks after the farmer’s last call, the gác i n tho i. Viên c nh sát trư ng t nh :”Ta nênsheriff decided to call him. "Hows the problem with i t i nhà ông nông dân n và nhìn t m bi n ... Cóthose drivers. Did you put up your sign?" th có cái gì ó ó mà chúng ta có th dùng làm "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been nh ng ngư i lái xe i ch m l i ...”killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." And Vì v y viên c nh sát lái t i nhà bác nông dân, vàhe hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to ông ta th y t m bi n. Nguyên m t t m g dán. Vàhimself, "Id better go to ư c vi t ch màu vàng c l n là nh ng t : Ithat farmers house and look at that sign... There CH M L I: KHU C A NH NG NGƯ I KH Amight be something there that WE could use to slow THÂN.down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to the farmers house,and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet ofplywood. And written in large yellow letters were ---------------------the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY. Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice." Son: "I will choose my own bride!"GI I QUY T V N N N GIAO THÔNG Father: "But the girl is Bill Gatess daughter." Son : "Well, in that case... ok."M t nông dân s ng trên m t qu c l nông thôn yêntĩnh. Nhưng th i gian trôi qua và giao thông d n d n Next, Father approaches Bill Gates.lên n m t m c báo ng. Giao thông quá ông Father: "I have a husband for your daughter." úc và quá nhanh n gà c a ông b cán m c Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to ba n sáu con m i ngày.Vì v y m t ngày kia marry!"ông g i văn phòng c nh sát trư ng và nói:”Ông ph i Father: "But this young man is a vice-president oflàm cái gì ó v t t c nh ng ngư i lái xe quá nhanh the World Bank."và gi t t t c gà c a tôi.” “Ông mu n tôi làm gì?” Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... ok."c nh sát trư ng h i.“Tôi không bi t, hãy làm gì ó v nh ng ngư i láixe ó.” Finally Father goes to see the president of the WorldVì v y, ngày hôm sau c nh sát trư ng cho cho nhân Bank.viên h t i d ng lên m t t m bi n : I CH M Father: "I have a young man to be recommended asL I: I M BĂNG NGANG TRƯ NG. a vice-president."Ba ngày sau, bác nông dân g i c nh sát trư ng và President: "But I already have more vice- presidentsnói:”Ông ph i làm cái gì ó v nh ng ngư i lái xe than I need!" ó.T m bi n “ i m băng ngang trư ng” có v làm Father: "But this young man is Bill Gatess son-in-h i nhanh hơn.” Vì th , m t l n n a, c nh sát law."trư ng cho nhân viên h t i và d ng m t t m bi n President: "Ah, in that case... ok."m i: I CH M L I: TR EM ANG CHƠI ÙA.Và t m bi n ó th c s làm ngư i ta i nhanh. Vì This is how business is done!!!th bác nông dân g i và g i và g i m i ngày trongba tu n. Cu i cùng bác h i c nh sát trư ng:”Nh ng There’s a Spanish guy, this Russian guy, and thist m bi n c a ông không làm gì t t c . Tôi d ng lên Korean guy all working for the same constructiont m bi n c a tôi có ư c không?” company.C nh sát trư ng nói v i bác:”Vi c ó ư c, hãyd ng lên t m bi n c a riêng ông.” C nh sát trư ng At the beginning of the day the boss comes out andd nh bác nông dân làm b t c i u gì làm says to the Spanish guy, “You’re in charge of the cement.”cho bác ngưng g i. À, viên c nh sát trư ng khôngnh n i n t bác nông dân n a. And to the Russian guy: “You’re in charge of theBa tu n sau cú i n tho i cu i cùng c a bác nông dirt.”dân, c nh sát trư ng quy t nh g i ông. “V n And to the Korean guy: “You’re in charge of thev i nh ng tài x kia ra sao r i? Ông có d ng lên t m supplies.”bi n c a ông không?” Then he says, “I’ll be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good, or you’re 86 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 87. fired.” string hanging out of the waiters fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the sameThe end of the day comes and the boss returns to string hanging from their flies. So before he walkedcheck on them. He looks at the big pile of cement off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you telland goes, “Good work,” to the Spanish guy. me why you have that string right there?"Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, “Good "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.work,” to the Russian guy. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firmHe doesn’t see the Korean guy anywhere so he asks, I mentioned also found out that we can save time in“Where the heck is the Korean guy?” the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching itAll of a sudden the Korean guy jumps out from and eliminate the need to wash our hands,behind the big pile of dirt, waves his hands in the shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39air, and yells: “SUPPLIES!!!” (he thought the boss percent.said "surprised") I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"A timeless lesson on how consultants can make adifference for an organization. Last week, we took "Well," he whispered, "I dont know about thesome friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed others, but I use the spoon."that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in Lee Sum Wan : Hello can i speak to Annie Wan?his shirt pocket. Mr Saw Lee : Yes u could speak to me.It seemed a little strange. When the busboy broughtour water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!in his shirt pocket. Mr Saw Lee : You are talking to someone! Who isThen I looked around saw that all the staff had this?spoons in their pockets. Lee Sum Wan : I am Sum Wan. And i need to talkWhen the waiter came back to serve our soup I to Annie Wan! Its urgent.asked, "Why the spoon?" Mr Saw Lee : I know u are someone and u want to"Well, "he explained, "the restaurants owners hired talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.After several months of analysis, they concluded Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wanthat the spoon was the most frequently dropped that our brother Noe Wan was involved in anutensil. accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan isIt represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 going to the hospital.spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are betterprepared; we can reduce the number of trips back to Mr Saw Lee : Look if no one was injured and no onethe kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and hewas able to replace it with his spare. "Ill get another Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead ofmaking an extra trip to get it right now." Mr Saw Lee : Im Saw Lee.I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me 87 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 88. your name! Customer: "Sure, you told me to write click and I wrote click."Mr Saw Lee : Im Saw Lee!! -------------------------------------------------- 2) Customer: "I received the software update youLee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr sent, but I am stilland i dont care, give me your name! getting the same error message." Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"Mr Saw Lee : Look lady, I told you already Im Saw Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to getLee! Im Saw Lee!! Im Saw Lee!!! You didnt even it to work?"give me your name! -------------------------------------------------- 3).Customer:: "Im having trouble installingLee Sum Wan : I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum Microsoft Word."Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Tech Support:: "Tell me what youve done."Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in Customer: "I typed A:SETUP."the co. He is Noe Buddy. Tech Support:: "Maam, remove the disk and tell me what it says."Mr Saw Lee : Oh im so scared (sarcastically). Look i Customer:: "It says [PC manufacturer] Restore anddont care about ur uncle hes a nobody. Everybody Recovery disk."thinks his top dog and holding an important position Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."in the company. Customer:: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my Customer: "No..."aunt. And Avery Buddy doesnt work there. -------------------------------------------------- 4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use yourMr Saw Lee : Like i said i dont care which one of ur software?"aunt screws everybody and i also know that not Tech Support:: ?!%#$everybody works here! Jeez!!! -------------------------------------------------- 5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand sideLee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis! of the screen, can you see the OK button displayed?"Mr. Sori : I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen fromgods name u think I do!? Look i got work to do and there?"if im feeling mischievious ill broadcast it on the P.A --------------------------------------------------system saying. "Attention, someone called and said 6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do youthat anyones brother just got involved in an accident. have?"But not to worry no one got injured and no one was Customer:: "A white one."sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the --------------------------------------------------hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but 7). Tech Support:: "Type A: at the prompt."if ure their uncle, ure a nobody. "how bout that!? Customer:: "How do you spell that?"PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE --------------------------------------------------GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST Tech Support: "Whats on your screen right now?"BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK: Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the me at the grocery store."Open Desktop." --------------------------------------------------Customer: "Ok." 9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are youTech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" running?"Customer: "No." Customer: "Pentium."Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a --------------------------------------------------pop-up menu?" 10). Customer: "My computers telling me ICustomer: "No." performed an illegal abortion."Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you --------------------------------------------------have done up until this 11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."point?" -------------------------------------------------- 88 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 89. 12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?" Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?-------------------------------------------------- User: MS-DOS 6.22.13). Customer: "Youve got to fix my computer. I Tech: Thats your problem there. That version ofurgently need to print DOS didnt come withdocument, but the computer wont boot properly." NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for aTech Support: "What does it say?" patch that will give you theCustomer: "Something about an error and non- file. Let me know how it goes.system disk." 1 hour later.Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a User: I need a new power supply.floppy inside?" Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?Customer: "No, but theres a sticker saying theres an User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him aboutIntel inside." what you said, and he-------------------------------------------------- started asking questions about the make of power14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if theres a supply.problem. Were open 24 Tech: Then what did he say?hours." User: He told me that my power supply isntCustomer: "Is that Eastern time?" compatible with NOSMOKE.-------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say 17) customer care officer:I need a productnow?" identification no: right now andCustomer: "It says, Hit ENTER when ready." may I help u in finding it out?Tech Support:: "Well?" Cust: sureCustomer: "How do I know when its ready?" CCO: could u left click on start and do u find My-------------------------------------------------- Computer?16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find yoursupport to report that his computer?computer is faulty.Tech: Whats the problem? A distinguished looking young lady is on a flightUser: There is smoke coming out of the power returning from Switzerland. She finds herself seatedsupply. next to a priest and asks"Tech: Youll need a new power supply.User: No, I dont! I just need to change the startup Excuse me father, may I ask a favour of you?"files.Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. Youll need to "Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" hereplace it. replies.User: No way! Someone told me that I just neededto change the startup and "Heres the dilemma, I purchased for myself, ait will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. Ime the command. paid a lot of money for it. I really went well over the10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they willright. The tech is confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret itfrustrated and fed up. through Customs for me under your robes?"Tech: Sorry, Sir. We dont normally tell ourcustomers this, but there is "I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you Ian undocumented DOS command that will fix the really am not ever able to lie..."problem.User: I knew it! "You have such an honest face father, surely theyTech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at will never ask any questions of you," and with thatthe end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let she hands him the hair remover.me know how it goes.10 minutes later. After landing they proceed through Customs and itUser: It didnt work. The power supply is still becomes the fathers turn in line.smoking. 89 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 90. "Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the !!!Customs officer. Continue with this story :"From the top of my head to my waist I have 4) Teacher : Can you give an examble withnothing to declare my son." Coincidence ? Student : Sir , " my mother and my father married inFinding this answer a little strange the customs same day and same time !!!officer proceeds to ask, "And from the waist to thefloor, what do you have to declare?" A young mother was taking her baby for a walk in the park. Some little boys came past, looked at theThe father replies, "I have a marvellous little baby, and started laughing, One of them said"instrument destined to be used on a woman, but -Look! What an ugly baby!which has never yet been used..." The mother was very sad and she started to cry, She passed an old man who was sitting on a park benchRoaring with laughter the Customs officer says, "Go eating his lunch. He said to her:right through father. -Come on, cheer up, dont cry. Here, have one of my sandwiches. And heres a banana for yourNext!" CLOCKS IN HEAVENMr.Knott is a teacher of a school in London. Its along way to his school from his house so he is A man died and went to heaven. As he stood inusually tired when he gets home. frontOne day, he got home, was tired as uasual. He was of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a hugein bed when someone called him. He went walldownstairs, picked up the phone and said, Hello. of clocks behind him.Whos speaking. please?- Watt. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"- Whats your name, sir? St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.- Watts my name. Everyone- Yes, I asked you that. Whats your name? on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the- I told you. Watts my name. Are you Jack Smith? hands- No, Im Knott. on your clock will move."- Will you give me your name, please?- Will Knott. "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"Both the men hanged up the phone angrily and "Thats Mother Teresas. The hands have neverthought, What a stupid, rude man. moved, indicating that she never told a lie."Herere some story to be examble : "Incredible," said the man.1) One man go to rhe coffee shop . The waiter go tohis table and ask him: "And whose clock is that one?"Waiter: Do you want to drink some black coffee ? St Peter responded, "Thats Abraham LincolnsCustomer: Whatre another color do you have ? clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told2)Gilr : Say you love me ! Say you love me !... only two lies in his entire life."Boy : You love me ! "Wheres George Bushs clock?" asked the man.Next story: "Bushs clock is in Jesus office. Hes using it as a3) Teacher : George Washinton not only chooped ceiling fan."down his fathers tree , he also admtted doing it .Now do you know why his father didnt punish him Mr.Knott is a teacher of a school in London. Its? a long way to his school from his house so he isStudent : Because he still have the axe in his hand usually tired when he gets home. 90 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 91. One day, he got home, was tired as uasual. He ”Sorry about that, but so what?” the father asked.was in bed when someone called him. He wentdownstairs, picked up the phone and said, Hello. “…If you’re going to tell me now that grown-upsWhos speaking. please? don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live- Watt. for.”- Whats your name, sir?- Watts my name. An opportunity- Yes, I asked you that. Whats your name?- I told you. Watts my name. Are you Jack There are a lot of different kinds of Christian groupsSmith? in the world, and one of them decided that they- No, Im Knott. would adopt the motto: "There are no problems,- Will you give me your name, please? There are only opportunities. People think too much- Will Knott. about dificulities which prevent them from doingBoth the men hanged up the phone angrily and good deeds", they said, "and not enough aboutthought "What a stupid, rude man." things that help them to do then". Once this group was having a big conference in a hotel, when one of the members came up to theDuck cofnerence inquiries desk and to the girl behind it, "Excuse me, mis, but I have a problem!"A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any The girl pointed to the motto, and said to theduck feed?" man,"No, sir, you havent got a problem. You onlyThe clerk tells him, "No, we dont have a market forit so we dont carry it." have an opportunity"The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. The man smiled patiently at her and answered:The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed "Well, you can call it whatever you like, but theres astore and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk young woman in the room I was given when Isays no and the duck leaves. arrived 20 ago".Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks,"Got any duck feed?" No comment!The clerk says, "Ive told you twice, we dont haveduck feed, weve never had duck feed and we neverwill have duck feed. If you ask me again, Ill nail The bomb and the pilotyour feet to the floor." The duck leaves. 3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "IThe next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilotnails?" told him to throw it out the window. The second one"No." asked the same question and the pilot also told him"Got any duck feed?" to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" TheThe Birds And The Bees pilot told him to throw it out the window. When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why heA father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the headthe birds and the bees. with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into laughing. They asked him why he was laughing andtears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.” he replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.Confused, the father asked what was wrong. Post Merge: Tháng Sáu 04, 2009, 08:37:50 AMThe boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’sno Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the Fishing and Whiskey‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight,you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech…” One Saturday morning,Glen decided to go fishing. He sat there for hours,but nothing.The bottle 91 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 92. whiskey that heve took with him,was also empty.He - Do you know, when God pulled out Adams rib tothrow the empty bottle into pieces against a nearby make Eve, the first woman, what did God say?rock. - God said: "This is the last time when you can sleep peacefully!!"All of a sudden,there was something on the hook.Hepulled the fish out of the water.The only fish for the A woman was having some trouble with her heart,day so far.The fish was so small,Glen decided to so she went to see the doctor.He was a new doctor,throw it back. and did not know her ,so he first asked some questions , and one of them was ,"How old are youThe little fish was so exited,to such an extend,that it ?"decided to give Glen one wish. "well," she answered , "I dont remember ,doctor , but I will try to think" She though for a minute andHe asked the little fish for some more whiskey.The then said , "Yes ,I remember now ,doctor ! When Ifish said,"Allright then,when youre urinating,it will married , I was eighteen years old ,and my husbandbe pure whiskey." was thirty.Now my husband is sixty,I know ; and that is twice thirty .So I am twice eighteen .That isSo Glen sat there,and wonder,can this really be ? thirty-six, isnt it?Glen took a glass and urinate in it.It was pure,purewhiskey. Post Merge: Tháng B y 28, 2009, 08:58:54 PMA while later,a women,who was standing One morning Nasreddin left his house with sixnearby,comes to him and asks,"sir are you allright ? donkeys to go to the market. After a time, he gotI saw you drinking your own piss" ."no",said tired and got on to one of them. He counted theGlen,"its whiskey." donkeys, and there were only five, so he got off and went to look for the sixth. He looked and looked butThe women laughed.He urinate into the glass,and did not find it, so he went back to the donkeys andgave it to her.She couldnt believe it. counted them again. This time there were six, so he got on to one of them again and they all stated.So they sat there almost for the rest of the day, After a few minutes he counted the donkeys again,drinking whiskey. and again there were only five! While he was counting again a friend of his passed, and NasreddinAfter about the seventh double,she asks Glen for said to him, I left my house with six donkeys; then Ianother one.He looked her in the eye,throw the glass had five; then I had six again; and now I have onlyinto pieces against the rock and said "What about five!Look! One,two,three,four,five.drinking out of the bottle ?" But, Nasreddin, his friend said, you are sitting on a donkey too! That is the sixth! And you are theMore funny stories for you all: seventh!Womans tear CHANCEThree husbands met each other.The first one who was a soldier said: One day, an old lady went to the Bank of Canada- Womans tear is a classic weapon but very with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisteddangerous. to speak to the president of the Bank in order toThe second one who was a weatherforcaster said: open a savings account because, she said, she had a- Womans tear is a light shower but it can become a lot of money.flood that can dip many persons dead. After many discussions an employee took her alongThe third one who was a chemist said: to the office of the president.- Womans tear is a special chemical that can ruin The president of the Bank asked her how much shesteely hearts. wanted to deposit. She answered him 165.000$, while putting theLast time money on his desk.- Have you read the Bible yet? Curious, he asked her how she succeeded in saving- Yes, I have. Why do you ask me this? such a lot of money. 92 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 93. The old lady answered him that she made bets. What happened while the train was in the tunnel?The president quite surprised asked her: "Whichkind of bets?" One day, a few years ago, a train was travellingThe old lady answered him: “For example, I bet you through the English countryside. This was in the25 000 $ that your testicles are square". days when the trains had small compartments, and inThe president started to laugh and pointed out that one particular compartment there were four people.this kind of bets was impossible to win! There was a young girl, quite pretty, who looked like a student or someone who was first starting herThen, the old lady replied: "Would like you to make first job; there was an old lady, dressed in black withthis bet?". bag and magazines and knitting; there was an army«Certainly, answered the president, I guarantee you officer in his mid-thirties, immaculately dressed in25.000$ that my testicles are not square". his uniform and very stiff and proper in his manner;The old lady thus said to him: "I agree. But given and finally there was a young cockney, casuallythe importance of the implied sum, I will come back dressed with a sparkle in his eye and ever ready totomorrow at 10 AM with my lawyer as witness if have a joke. It was quite obvious that both the menyou don’t see any inconvenience". were attracted to the young girl, though the officer"No problem“ said the president of the Bank very certainly wouldn’t show it and the cockney felttrustfully. inhabited by the presence of he others. Suddenly the train when into a tunnel; the light hadThat evening, the president became very nervous not been put on, so for half a minute the carriageabout the bet and spent a long time in front of his was completely in the darkness, and in the darknessmirror examining his testicles, turning them in all came a the sound of a large kiss followed almostdirections, again and again, in order to make sure immediately by a loud slap. What had taken placethat his damned testicles could not be seen as square while the train was in the tunnel?and therefore to be sure to win this bet. . When the train finally emerged and it was lightOn the next day, 10 AM sharp, the old lady arrived again in the carriage, there for all to see was thewith her lawyer at the office of the president to officer with a bleeding nose and a swollen eye.confirm the bet of 25.000$ for the fact that his And the old lady, seeing this, thought to herself,testicles were square. “What a brave young lady, who dared to hit the officer for stealing a kiss in such a cowardly way”The president confirmed that the bet was in And the young girl, seeing the suffering of theagreement with the commitments taken the day officer, was puzzled “How strange, she thought, thatbefore. the officer should kiss the old lady, and not me.”The old lady thus asked him to drop his trousers, and The poor officer, nursing two injures that causedthe remainder, so that she and her lawyer can see him more than a little pain embarrassment,everything; what the president kindly did. The old considered to himself, “that cockney’s quite a cleverlady came then closer to see and asked him whether chap. He kissed the girl and the girl hit me!”she could touch them or not. And the cockney laughed suddenly to himself at the“Of course please do!", said the president to her, trick he had played. “I am a clever chap”, he thoughtgiven the fact that there is so much money involved, to himself, “I kissed the back of my hand , hit theyou must be 100% sure. officer in the face and nobody said a word.”And the lady started to do so with a smile.. A Womans DreamThe president realized that the lawyer was struckinghis head against the wall. A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after workHe asked the old lady why the lawyer was reacting cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionallylike that. tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters.She answered: "It is probably due to the fact that Ibet 100.000$ with him that, around 10 AM, I would He is so striking that the woman can not take herbe holding the testicles of the president of the Bank eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentiveof Canada in my hands! stares and walks directly toward her. 93 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 94. Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and Imhe leans over and whispers, "Ill do anything, getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forgetabsolutely anything that you want me to do for about three... You only get one wish!"$20... But, on one condition." The man sat, and thought about it for a while andFlabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition said, "Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii, but Imis. The man replies, "You have to tell me what you scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you buildwant me to do in just three words." The woman me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there toconsiders his proposition for a moment and then visit?"removes a $20 bill from her purse, which shepresses into the mans hand along with her address. The genie laughed and said, "Thats impossible!!!She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and Think of the logistics of that! How would themeaningfully says, "Clean my house!" supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."White HairsOne day, a little girl was sitting and watching her The man said, "OK, Ill try to think of a really goodmother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She wish."suddenly noticed that her mother had several strandsof white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette Finally, he said, "Ive been married and divorcedhair. four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive.Curious, the little girl looked at her mother andasked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what theyre thinking whenHer mother replied, "Well, every time you do they give me the silent treatment. Know why theyresomething wrong and make me unhappy, one of my crying, know what they really want when they sayhairs turns white." "nothing,” know how to make them truly happy."The little girl thought about this for a while and then The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be twoasked, "Momma, how come all of grandmas hairs lanes or four?"are white?" Reading in the BoatPunctuate Correctly One morning the husband returns after several hoursAn English professor wrote the words, "A woman of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although notwithout her man is nothing" on the blackboard and familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take thetold the students to punctuate it correctly. boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, isnothing." Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morningThe women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is Maam. What are you doing?"nothing." "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isnt thatBeach Genie obvious?")A man was walking along a Florida beach and "Youre in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up andrubbed it, and out popped a genie. "Im sorry officer, but Im not fishing, Im reading."The genie said, "OK, You released me from the "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know 94 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 95. you could start at any moment. Ill have to take you Pick That Up!in and write you up." A woman said to her friend, "I dont know what to"If you do that, Ill have to charge you with se xual do. My husband is such a mess maker that you cantassault," says the woman. imagine. He doesnt put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.""But I havent even touched you," says the game The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first weekwarden. after we were married I told my husband firmly, Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you"Thats true, but you have all the equipment. For all I are done and put back in its place." The first womanknow you could start at any moment." asked, "Did it help?" Her friend said, "I dont know. I havent seen him since.""Have a nice day maam," and he left. God Is WatchingThe Perfect Spouse The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head ofA young lady visited a computer dating service and the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made arequested, "Im looking for a spouse. Can you please note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.help me to find a suitable one?" The matchmaker God is watching." Moving further along the lunchsaid, "What exactly are you looking for?" "Well, let line, at the other end of the table was a large pile ofme see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."Willing to accompany me the whole day at homeduring my leisure hour if I dont go out. Be able to The Gifted Artisttell me interesting stories when I need a companionfor conversation and be silent when I want to rest." A Kindergarten teacher was observing herThe matchmaker entered the information into the classroom of children while they were drawing. Shecomputer and, in a matter of moments, handed the would occasionally walk around to see each childsresults to the woman. The results read, "Buy a work. As she got to one little girl who was workingtelevision." diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "Im drawing God." The teacher paused andMean Old Woman said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from herAn old man and woman were married for years, drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute.even though they hated each other. When they had aconfrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard husband and wife came for counseling after 15 yearsdeep into the night. The old man would shout, of marriage. When"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the asked what the problem was, the wife went into agrave and come back and haunt you for the rest of passionate, painful tiradeyour life!" Neighbors feared him because of the listing every problem they had ever had in the 15many strange occurrences that took place in their years they had been married.neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he wasfeared. To everyones relief, he died of a heart attack She went on and on and on; neglect, lack ofwhen he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the intimacy, emptiness,wake. After the burial, she went straight home and loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entirebegan to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her laundry list of un-metneighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Arent needs she had endured over the course of theiryou afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way marriage.up and out of the grave and come back and hauntyou for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficientdrink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him length of time, theburied upside down. therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to 95 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 96. stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The "Good morning, madam. Ive come to...."woman shut up and quietly "Oh, no need to explain. Ive been expecting you,"sat down as though in a daze. Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. IveThe therapist turned to the husband and said, This is made a speciality ofwhat your wife needs babies"at least three times a week. Can you do this? "Thats what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"The husband thought for a moment and replied,..Well, I can drop her off After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, wherehere on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I do we start?"fish. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on theHOW BUSINESS IS DONE? couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice. "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didntSon : “I will choose my own bride!” work for Harry and me"Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.” "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good oneSon : “Well, in that case…ok” every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six orNext, Father approaches Bill Gates. seven differentFather: “I have a husband for your daughter.” angles, Im sure youll be pleased with the results"Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to "My, thats a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.marry!” "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take hisFather: “But this young man is a vice-president of time. Id love to be inthe World Bank.” and out in five minutes, but youd be disappointedBill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok” with that, Im sure" "Dont I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.Finally, Father goes to see the president of theWorld Bank. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulledFather: “I have a young man to be recommended as out a portfolio of hisa vice-president.” baby pictures.President: “But I already have more vice- presidents "This was done on the top of a bus in downtownthan I need!” London"Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in- "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at herlaw.” handkerchief.President: “Ah, in that case…ok” "And these twins turned out exceptionally well,This is how business is done!! when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"Surrogate father "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, Im afraid so. I finally had to take her to HydeThe Smiths were unable to conceive children and Park to get the jobdecided to use a surrogate done right. People were crowding around four andfather to start their family. On the day the surrogate five deep, pushing to getfather was to a good look"arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "Im off. "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyesThe man should be widened in amazement.here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door- "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more thanto-door baby three hours too. Thephotographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I couldsale. hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my 96 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 97. shots. Finally, when the a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I justpacked it all in." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front ofMrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels him. The man was astonished.He went on, and afteractually chewed on your, awhile he was going to cross the road. Once againum......equipment?" the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one"Thats right. Well, madam, if youre ready, Ill set more step a car will run over you and you will die."up my tripod so wecan get to work." The man did as he was instructed, and a car came"Tripod?????" careening around the corner, barely missing him."Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.Its much too big for "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? .......Good Lord, shes "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.fainted!!" "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hellThe laugher were you when I got married?" Short funny english storiesA man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then Tuesday, 28. October 2008, 07:44walks out of the store Relaxlaughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is 10 storiesweird, but, hey, theresno law preventing weird people from buying 1. Money And Friendscondoms. Maybe its a good thing. "Since he lost his money, half his friends dont know him any more"The next day, the man comes back to the store, "And the other half ?"purchases another condom, and "They dont know yet that has lost it"once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This 1.Ti n và b npiques the interest of - T ngày h n m t ti n, phân n a b n bè c a h nthe pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a không còn bi t t i h n n a.rubber, anyway? - Còn n a kia ? - H chưa bi t là h n ã m t ti n.So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, Iwant you to follow himto see where he goes." 2. Father Wants To Go To Bed Next-door Neighbors Little Boy : "Father say couldSure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He you lend him your cassette player for tonight ?"buys the condom, starts Heavy - Metal Enthusiast : "Have you a party on ?"cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his Little Boy : "Oh, no. Father only wants to go to bedclerk to go follow the ".guy. 2.B cháu mu n i ng Chú bé hàng xóm c nh nhà : - B cháu h i t i nayAbout an hour later, the clerk comes back to the chú có th cho b cháu mư n cái cassette ư cstore. không ?"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the Ngư i mê nh c rock n ng : - B nhà cháu có ti cpharmacist. tùng gì h ?The clerk replies "Your house." Chú bé: - không, b cháu ch mu n i ng .Guardian Angel 3. The River Isnt DeepA man was walking in the street when he heard a A stranger on horse back came to a river with whichvoice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, he was unfamiliar. The traveller asked a youngster if 97 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 98. it was deep. Visitor : "But where is the cow ?""No", replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, Artist : "You dont suppose shed be fool enough tobut soon found that he and his horse had to swim for stay there after shed eaten all the grass, do you ?"their lives. 6. Bò ăn cWhen the traveller reached the other side he turned H a sĩ : - B c tranh ó v m t con bò ang ăn cand shouted : "I thought you said it wasnt deep ?" y, thưa ông."It isnt", was the boys reply : "it only takes Khách : - Có th y c âu ?grandfathers ducks up to their middles !" H a sĩ : - Con bò ăn h t r i. Khách : - Th còn con bò âu ?3.Dòng sông không sâu H a sĩ : - Ch b ông tư ng con bò l i ngu n m cM t l khách i ng a n m t dòng sông xa l . Ông ng ỳ ó sau khi ã ăn h t c sao ông ?ta h i m t thi u niên xem dòng sông y có sâu 7. Lets Work Togetherkhông. "Can you tell me how to get to the post office ?"- Không âu, - chú bé áp, và ngư i k mã b t u "Thats just where I want to go. Lets work together.vư t sông. Nhưng ngay sau ó ông nh n ra c ngư i You go south, and Ill go north, and well reportl n ng a u ph i bơi tr i ch t. progress every time we meet"Khi ngư i l khách ã t i b bên kia, ông quay l ihét lên : - Tao c tư ng mày nói là sông không sâu. 7. Ta hãy ph i h p v i nhau- Ðúng th mà, - chú bé áp, - nư c sông này ch - Nh anh ch cho ư ng n bưu i n ?ng p ngang b ng lũ v t c a ông cháu thôi. - Chính tôi cũng mu n t i ó. Ta hãy ph i h p v i nhau. Anh i hư ng nam, tôi i hư ng b c, và chúng4. My Daughters Music Lessons ta s tư ng thu t l i ti n tri n m i khi mình g p"My daughters music lessons are a fortune to me ?" nhau."How is that ?""They enabled me to buy the neighbors houses at 8. The French People Have Difficultyhalf price". "Did you have any difficulty with your French in Paris ?"4. Giá tr c a nh ng bài h c nh c "No, but the French people did"- Nh ng bài h c nh c c a con gái tôi là c m t gia 8. Ngư i Pháp không rành ti ng Pháps n c a tôi ó. - Anh có g p khó khăn gì v i v n ti ng Pháp c a- T i sao v y ? anh khi t i Paris không?- Chúng giúp tôi mua ư c các ngôi nhà c a hàng - Không có, nhưng ngư i Pháp thì qu là có.xóm ch b ng n a giá ti n thôi. 9. Great Mystery Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper,5. A Policeman And A Reporter mister ?"Country Policeman (at the scene of murder) : "You Passerby : "Here boy, Ill take one" (After reading acant come in here" moment) "Say, boy, theres nothing of the kind inReporter : "But Ive been sent to do the murder" this paper. Where is it ?"Country Policeman : "Well, youre too late; the Newsboy : "Thats the mystery, sir. Youre the fiftymurders been done". first victim".5. C nh sát và phóng viên 9. Bí m t kh ng khi pC nh sát vùng quê (t i hi n trư ng m t v án m ng) Chú bé bán báo : - Bí m t kh ng khi p ây! Năm: - Anh không ư c vào ây. mươi n n nhân! Mua báo không, thưa ông?Phóng viên : - Nhưng tôi ư c phái n ây làm v Khách qua ư ng : - L i ây, tao l y m t t . (Ð cán m ng này. qua m t h i) - Này, th ng nhóc kia, trong báo cóC nh sát vùng quê : - A, anh mu n m t r i ; v án th y tin nào như v y âu. Nó n m ch nào ch ?m ng ã làm xong. Chú bé bán báo : - Ðó chính là i u bí m t, thưa ông. Ông là n n nhân th năm mươi m t y.6. A Cow GrazingArtist : "That, sir, is a cow grazing" 10. Why Do They Have French Lesson?Visitor : "Where is the grass ?" "Whats the idea of the Greens having FrenchArtist : "The cow has eaten it" lessons ?" 98 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 99. "They have adopted a French baby, and want to statement as proof. We believe that if you are able tounderstand what she says when she begins to talk". go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.10. H c ti ng Pháp là gì ?- Vì c gì mà gia ình Green l i h c ti ng Pháp ch ? AN OPERATION:- H v a nh n nuôi m t bé sơ sinh ngư i Pháp nên We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish tomu n hi u nó s nói gì khi b t u t p nói. discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an9 Things I Hate About Everyone employee here, you will need all of whatever you(source unknown) have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have1. People who point at their wrist asking for the anything removed would certainly make you lesstime... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell than we bargained for.is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask wherethe toilet is? DEATH: Other than your own:2. People who are willing to get off their a** to This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothingsearch the entire room for the TV remote because you can do for them, and we are sure that someonethey refuse to walk to the TV and change the else can attend to the arrangements. However, if thechannel manually. funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early,cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake provided your share of the work is ahead enough toif you cant eat it? keep the job going in your absence. Your own:4. When people say "its always the last place you This will be accepted as an excuse. However, welook". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is yourlooking after youve found it? Do people do this? duty to train your replacement.Who and where are they? ALSO:5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya Entirely too much time is being spent in thesee that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practicecinema and stare at the damn floor! of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... 8:15, and so on. If youre unable to go at your time,Didnt give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.7. When something is new and improved. Which is We appreciate your cooperation,it? If its new, then there has never been anything THE MANAGEMENTbefore it. If its an improvement, then there must A beer before it startshave been something before it, couldnt be new.8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? A man came home from work, sat down in hisLife is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to hisWhat can you do thats longer? wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would When he finished it, he said,I be standing here??? "Quick, bring me another beer. Its gonna start"TO: ALL EMPLOYEES This time she looked a little angry, but brought himSUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY a beer.SICKNESS: When it was gone, he said,No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctors "Quick, get me a beer before it starts." 99 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 100. "Thats it!" She blows her top, on the right.""You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass "And then?"down, dont even say hello to me and then expect me "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.to run around like your slave getting you beer after Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knockedbeer. Dont you realize that I cook and clean and over the bucket with her tail."wash and iron all day long ????" "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just cant explain," the farmer said.The husband sighed and said " Oh, shit , It started" "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didnt have anymore rope,What happened ? so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wifePoliceman : Did you see the accident, sir? walked in ... Some things you just cant explain."Man: Yes, I did.The driver of that car hit thatpost over there. ***Policeman : What happened?Man: A dog ran across the road and the driver To Absent Brotherstried to avoid it. The car suddenly came towards me. An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders threeIt climbed on to the pavement and crashed into that pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,post. drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When hePoliceman : What did you do? finished all three, he comes back to the bar andMan: I ran across after the dog. orders three more. The bartender says to him, YouPoliceman: Why did you do that ? Were you afraid know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would tasteof the car ? better if you bought one at a time. The IrishmanMan: I wasnt afraid of the car. I was afraid of replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is inthe driver. The driver got out of the car and began America, the other in Australia, and Im here inshouting at me. He was very angry with me. Dublin. When we all left home, we promised thatPoliceman: wed drink this way to remember the days we allMan: You see, it was my dog. drank together. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The IrishmanSome Things You Just Cant Explain becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks theA farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting same way: he orders three pints and drinks the threedrunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All thegetting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. Whenreplied, "Some things you just cant explain." he comes back to the bar for the second round, the"So what happened thats so horrible?" the man bartender says, I dont want to intrude on your grief,asked as he sat down next to the farmer. but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my loss. The Irishman looks confused for a moment,cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. Oh, no,lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." he says, Everyone is fine. Ive just quit drinking!"Okay," said the man, "but thats not so bad." "Somethings you just cant explain," the farmer replied. ***"So what happened then?" the man asked. Thefarmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post Drink Till Shes Cuteon the left." A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a"And then?" hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank theJust as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into hisand kicked over the bucket." shirt pocket. This continued several times before theThe man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer mans curiosity got the best of him. He leaned overreplied, "Some things you just cant explain." "So, to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldnt help butwhat did you do then?" the man asked. notice your little ritual, why in the world do you"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post look into your shirt pocket every time you drink 100 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 101. your shot & beer"? The man replied, "Theres a He gives her a triple Jack Daniels, and she belts itpicture of my wife in there, and when she starts down. She has five more in a row, belts them alllookin good, Im headin home"! down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her.*** The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniels."A man, an ostrich, and a cat He gives her a triple Jack Daniels, and she belts itA man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and down. She has five more in a row, belts them allsits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in thesays, "What can I get for you?" bar fucks her again.The man says "Ill have a beer", the ostrich says, "Ill The next night, she walks into the bar and says,have a beer", and the cat says, "Ill have half a beer "Bartender, give me a triple Tequila."and Im not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, He says, "I thought you drank Jack Daniels."that will be $3.87." She says, "Not any more. Jack Daniels makes myThe man reaches into his pocket and brings out the pussy sore."exact change and pays him. About an hour later thebartender goes back over to them and says, "Whatll ***you guys have?"The man says, "Ill have a beer", the ostrich says, Monkey"Ill have a beer", and the cat says "Ill have half a A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. Hebeer and Im not buying." The bartender gets them orders a drink and while hes drinking, the monkeytheir beer and says "Thatll be $3.87." jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs someThe man reaches into his pocket and brings out the olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs someexact change and pays him. A couple of days later sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto thethey come back into the bar and the bartender walks pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it inover and asks "What do you guys want today?" his mouth, and to everyones amazement, somehowThe man says, "Ill have a scotch", the ostrich says, swallows it whole."Ill have a bourbon", and the cat says, "Ill have half The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see whata beer and Im not buying." So the bartender says your monkey just did?""OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ballpocket and brings out the exact change and pays off my pool table-whole!"him. "Yeah, that doesnt surprise me," replied the guy.The bartenders curiosity got the best of him and he "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry.asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount Ill pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes hisyou owe you always have the exact change in you drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkeypocket?" ate, then leaves.The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and Two weeks later hes in the bar again, and has hisshe granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkeyalways have the exact change in my pocket for starts running around the bar again. While the mananything I buy." is finishing his drink, the monkey finds aThe bartender says, "Thats a great wish...better than maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks itasking for a million dollars. A million dollars will up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender isrun out but that never will. What were your other 2 disgusted.wishes?" "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.The man says, "Thats where I screwed up. I asked "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck afor a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.*** "Yeah, that doesnt surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since heMixed Drink swallowed that cue ball, he measures everythingA girl goes into a bar. first..."She says, "Bartender, give me a triple JackDaniels." *** 101 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 102. course swinging away. It was an obsession. OneGetting Out of A Ticket Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. TheA man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and theon the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top temperature was just right.was down, the breeze was blowing through what The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do,was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. HeAs the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly called an assistant to tell him that he was sick andsaw flashing red and blue lights behind him. could not do church, packed the car up, and drove"Theres no way they can catch a BMW," he thought three hours to a golf course where no one wouldto himself and opened her up further. The needle hit recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. An angel up above was watching the preacher and"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled was quite perturbed. He went to God and said,over. The cop came up to him, took his license "Look at the preacher. He should be punished forwithout a word and examined it and the car. what he is doing.""Its been a long day, this is the end of my shift and God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up onits Friday the 13th. I dont feel like more paperwork, the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailedso if you can give me an excuse for your driving that effortlessly through the air and landed right in theI havent heard before, you can go." The guy thinks cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one.for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off He was amazed and excited.with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her The angel was a little shocked. He turned to Godback." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. andsaid, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."*** God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"Smart-Ass Cop ***Two guys are driving through Alabama when theyget pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks Golf Ballup, taps on the window with his nightstick, the Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.driver rolls down the window, and the trooper The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball andsmacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says to his friend - "Hey, why dont you try thissays, "Whyd you do that?" ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "UseThe trooper says, "Youre in Alabama, son. When I this one - You cant lose it!"pull you over youll have your license ready." His friend replies, "What do you mean you cant loseDriver says, "Im sorry, officer, Im not from around it?!!"here." The first man replies, "Im serious, you cant lose it.The trooper runs a check on the guys license, and If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beepinghes clean. He gives the guy his license back and sound, if you hit it into the water it produceswalks around to the passenger side and taps on the bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smokewindow. comes up in order for you to find it."The passenger rolls his window down, and the Obviously, his friend doesnt believe him, but hetrooper smacks him with the nightstick. shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.The passenger says, "Whatd you do that for?" The friend says, "Wow! Thats incredible! WhereThe cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." did you get that ball?"The passenger says, "Huh?" The man replies, "I found it."The cop says, "I know that two miles down the roadyoure gonna say, I wish that jerk wouldve tried ***that shit with me." College Letters*** A girl goes into the doctors office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on herHeavenly Justice chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?"Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to HarvardEvery chance he could get, he would be on the golf and hes so proud of it that he never takes off his 102 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 103. Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she could ever repay you. "My darling, he replied,replies. Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need everyA couple of days later, another girl comes in for a time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices ablue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark ***on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriendwent to Yale and hes so proud of it that he never Mental Patienttakes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make John and David were both patients in a Mentallove," she replies. Hospital. One day, while they were walking, theyA couple of days later, another girl comes in for a passed the hospital swimming pool and Johncheckup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to thered "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped inMichigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the poolgirlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of Davids heroic act. He immediately ordered*** that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said,Autopsy "David, we have good news and bad news for you!An autopsy professor was giving an introductory The good news is that we are going to discharge youlecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, because you have regained your sanity. Since youhe addressed the class. "There are two things you were able to jump in and save another patient, youneed to make a career in medical forensics. First, must be mentally stable. The bad news is that theyou must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroomhis finger up the corpses anus and licked it. "Now and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, Johnyou must do the same," he told the class. After a didnt hang himself. I hung him there to dry."couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did asinstructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you ***must have an acute sense of observation. Forinstance, how many of you noticed that I put my New Careermiddle finger up this mans anus, but licked my A gynecologist had a burning desire to changeindex finger?" careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved,*** signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for theSkin Graft practical exam approached, she prepared carefullyA married couple were in a terrible accident in for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendouswhich the womans face was severely burned. The skill. When the results came back, she was surpriseddoctor told the husband that they couldnt graft any to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.skin from her body because she was too thin. So the Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "Ihusband offered to donate some of his own skin. dont want to appear ungrateful for such anHowever, the only skin on his body that the doctor outstanding result, but I wondered if there had beenfelt was suitable would have to come from his an error which needed adjusting." The instructorbuttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they said, "During the exam, you took the engine apartwould tell no one about where the skin came from, perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.and requested that the doctor also honour their You put the engine back together again perfectly,secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you anwas astounded at the womans new beauty. She extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH thelooked more beautiful than she ever had before! All exhaust..."her friends and relatives just went on and on abouther youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with ***her husband, and she was overcome with emotion athis sacrifice. She said, Dear, I just want to thank Smart Irishmanyou for everything you did for me. There is no way I An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after 103 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 104. a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and theand said, "Ive some bad news for you... you have rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilfulcancer and it cant be cured. Id give you two weeks surgeon would do the job. "Gee, heads are reallyto a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but Illnews, but of solid character, managed to compose see what I can do - come back in 12 hours." Samhimself and walk from the doctors office into the returned in 12 hours. "How did it go, Doc?" hewaiting room. There he saw his son who had been asked. "Im sorry. John died," the surgeon replied.waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"things are good and celebrate when things dont goso well. In this case, things arent so well. I have ***cancer and Ive been given a short time to live. Letshead for the pub and have a few pints." After three Charlies Wifeor four pints the two were feeling a little less In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room andsomber. There were some laughs and more beers. sees a patient acting like hes driving a car. TheThey were eventually approached by some of nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"Murphys old friends who asked what the two were Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nursecelebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just asthem that they were drinking to his impending end. he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "WellHe told his friends, "Ive only got a few weeks to Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlies says, "I justlive as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The got into Chicago."friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charliesa couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphys room and goes across the hall into Bobs room, andson leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.said that you were dying from cancer. You just told Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bobyour friends that you were dying from AIDS!" says, "Im screwing Charlies wife while hes inMurphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just Chicago!"dont want any of them sleeping with your motherafter Im gone." ****** Shredder The new employee stood before the paper shredderThe Fast Surgeon looking confused.Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut "Need some help?" a secretary asked.his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in "Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from hissurgeon. "You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am hand and feeding it into the shredder.an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"hours when I have completed the operation." SoSam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I ***did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub."Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see The SackJohn playing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John An office manager had money problems and had towere cutting wood again when John accidentally cut fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thoughtoff his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took hed fire the employee who came late to work. Theit and John back to the same surgeon. "Legs are next morning, both employees came to work veryharder," said the surgeon, "but Ill see what I can do early. So the manager thought he would fire the first- come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neitherand the surgeon said, "I finished early - Johns employee took a coffee break. Then the managerplaying football." Sam went to the field and to his decided to see who took the longest lunch break -surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes. A strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch breakfew weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the 104 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 105. manager thought hed wait to see who would leave strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rusheswork the earliest, but both employees stayed after upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweatingclosing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the and panting. "Whats up?" he says. "Im having amanager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a heart attack," cries the woman.terrible problem. I dont know whether to lay you or He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just asJack off." Jill said, "Well, youd better jack off, hes dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and saysbecause Im late for my bus." "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Teds hiding in your closet and hes got no clothes on!" The guy slams the*** phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobeBlond Cops door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totallyA Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rottentraining to become detectives. To test their skills in bastard," says the husband, "my wifes having arecognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a heart attack, and youre running around naked,picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your scaring the kids!"suspect, how would you recognize him?" The firstblonde answers " Thats easy, well catch him fast ***because he only has one eye" The policeman says"Well...Uh.. thats because the picture shows his Flying First Classprofile" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous On a plane bound for New York the flight attendantresponse, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the approached a blonde sitting in the first class sectionsecond blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, and requested that she move to coach since she didhow would you recognize him?" The second blonde not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "Imgiggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! Hed be easy to blonde, Im beautiful, Im going to New York, andcatch because he only has one ear!" The policeman Im not moving." Not wanting to argue with aangrily responds, "Whats the matter with you two? customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot toOf course only one eye and ear are showing because speak with her. He went to talk with the womanits a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer asking her to please move out of the first classyou can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this section. Again, the blonde replied, "Im blonde, Impoint, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in beautiful, Im going to New York, and Im nota very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit andwould you recognize him?" He adds quickly asked the captain what he should do. The captain"....think hard before giving a stupid answer" The said, "Im married to a blonde, and I know how toBlonde looks at the picture intently for a moment handle this." He went to the first class section andand says "HMMMM... the suspect is wearing whispered in the blondes ear. She immediatelycontact lenses." The policeman is surprised and jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling tospeechless, because he really doesnt know himself herself, "Why didnt anyone just say so." Surprised,if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that is a the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what hegood answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I said to her that finally convinced her to move fromcheck his file, and Ill get back to you on that" He her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first classleaves the room and goes to his office, checks the section wasnt going to New York."suspects file in his computer and comes back with abeaming smile on his face. "WoW! I cant believe ***it...its TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contactslenses. Good work! How were you able to make News Standsuch an astute observation?" "Thats easy" the A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stackblonde replied. "He cant wear glasses because he of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty peopleonly has one eye and one ear!" swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front*** page. What he saw was yesterdays paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, wheres the storyHome Early about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored himA blonde guy gets home early from work and hears and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one 105 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 106. people swindled!" "It must have cost over 300 dollars!" "I earned it hiking," replied the boy.*** "Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. WhereIndian Names did you Really get the cash from?"This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a "Its like I say, Dad. Every night when you werepuzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my gone, Mr. Goldberg from the bank would come overbigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, to see Mom. Hed give me a 20 dollar bill and tell"because he was conceived during a mighty storm." me to take a hike"!Then he asked, "Why is my sister namedCornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I ***were in a cornfield when we made her." "And whyis my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother Ghostsaid, "We were watching the moon landing while A visiting professor at Cardiff University is giving ashe was conceived." Mother Indian paused and seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for hisasked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you audience, he asks: "How many people here believeso curious?" in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well thats a good start. Out of those of you who*** believe in ghosts, do any of you think youve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.Walking the Dog "Thats really good. Im really glad you take thisA little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, 15 students raise their hands. "Thats a greatbecause the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in Three students raise their hands. "Thats fantastic.the garage." The little girl went to the garage and But let me ask you one question further.....Have anyasked, "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student inblock? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished.heat, and to come talk to you." Dad said, "Bring He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says,Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with "Son, all the years Ive been giving this lecture, nogasoline, and scrubbed the dogs rear-end with it and one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the Youve got to come up here and tell us about yourleash and only go one time around the block." The experience." The redneck student replies with a nodlittle girl left and returned a few minutes later with and a grin, and begins to make his way up to theNO DOG on the leash. Dad asked, "Where is podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what itsSusie?" The little girl said, "She will be here in a like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies,minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought youblock and another dog is pushing her home." said goats!"*** ***School Question Lone RangerMother: "Why are you home from school so early?" A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sexSon: "I was the only one who could answer a education with her fourth grade class because shequestion." realizes Little Johnnys propensity for sexualMother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughoutSon: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?" the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex*** education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."Hiking A father came home from a long business "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "Mytrip to find his young son riding a brand new bike. mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, thats"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his 106 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 107. hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher ***calls on him. "I was watchin TV yesterday, and Isaw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by Mailhundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all A man was in his yard mowing the grass when hisattacked at one time. And he killed every one of blonde neighbour came out of the house and wentthem with his two guns." The teacher was relieved straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammedbut puzzled, "And what does that have to do with it shut stormed back in the house. A little later shesex education, Johnny?" "Itll teach those Indians not came out of her house again went to the mail boxto fuck with the Lone Ranger." and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was*** getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammedLunch it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions theThere was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which shewho were construction workers working on top of a replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid newbuilding. It was lunch time and the Irishman opened computer keeps saying, "Youve Got Mail."his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef. "If I getone more beef and cabbage for lunch Im gonna ***jump off of this building," he says. Then theMexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. "If TeacherI get one more burrito for lunch Im gonna jump off A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sittingthis building," he says. The blond man opens his on a fence and you shoot one of them, how manylunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich. "If I get will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies,one more bologna sandwich Im gonna jump off of "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" Thethis building." The next day the Irishman opened his teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I likelunch pail and found cabbage and beef, so he your thinking." Then, Little Johnny says "I have ajumped off the building to his death. Next, the question for YOU. There are three women sitting onMexican opened his lunch pail, and upon finding a a bench having ice cream: One is delicately lickingburrito he jumped off as well. Finally, the blond guy the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. Theopened his lunch pail and found a bologna second is gobbling down the top and sucking thesandwich. He too jumped off the building. The next cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.day at their funeral the Irishmans wife said, "If only Which one is married?"The teacher, blushing a greatI knew that he didnt like cabbage and beef, I would deal, replied "Well I suppose the one thats gobbledsurely have packed him something else." The down the top and sucked the cone" To whichMexicans wife said, "If only I knew he didnt like LittleJohnny replied, "The correct answer is the oneburritos, I would have packed something else." with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."Finally, the blonde mans wife spoke. "I dont knowwhat his problem was. He packed his own lunch." ****** Birds & The Bees A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew aboutJealous Blond the birds and the bees. "I dont want to know!" theA blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me youher, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his wont tell me." Confused, the father asked what wasapartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure wrong "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 Ienough, when she opens the door, she finds her got the "theres no Santa" speech. At 7, I got theboyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the "theres no Easter Bunny" speech. When I was 8,gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a you hit me with the "theres no tooth fairy" speech.moment. Then, suddenly, shes overcome with grief, IF you tell me that grown-ups dont really fuck, Illso she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her have nothing left to live for."boyfriend screams, "Honey, dont do it..." Theblonde yells back, "Shut up! Youre next!" *** 107 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 108. A Universal Philosophical Refutation all of that by just listening to the ground"?A philosopher once had the following dream. "No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over meFirst Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to five minutes ago!"him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsulesketch of your entire philosophy?" To the ***philosophers surprise, Aristotle gave him anexcellent exposition in which he compressed an Sherlock Holmes and Watsonenormous amount of material into a mere fifteen Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a campingminutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they layobjection which Aristotle couldnt answer. down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hoursConfounded, Aristotle disappeared. Then Plato later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friendappeared. The same thing happened again, and the awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me whatphilosophers objection to Plato was the same as his you see." Watson replied, "I see millions andobjection to Aristotle. Plato also couldnt answer it millions of stars."and disappeared. Then all the famous philosophers "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, itrefuted every one with the same objection. After the tells me that there are millions of galaxies andlast philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, Ihimself, "I know Im asleep and dreaming all this. observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, IYet Ive found a universal refutation for all deduce that the time is approximately a quarter pastphilosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I three. Theologically, I can see that God is allwill probably have forgotten it, and the world will powerful and that we are small and insignificant.really miss something!" With an iron effort, the Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have aphilosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastardThe next morning when he awoke, he went over to has stolen our tent!"the desk to see what he had written. It was, "Thatswhat you say." ****** Irish Wife At the 1998 World Womens Conference, the firstMath, Physics, & Philosophy speaker from England stood up: "At last yearsDean, to the physics department. "Why do I always conference we spoke about being more assertivehave to give you guys so much money, for with our husbands. Well after the conference I wentlaboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. home and told my husband that I would no longerWhy couldnt you be like the math department - all cook for him and that he would have to do itthey need is money for pencils, paper and waste- himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After thepaper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy second day I saw nothing. But after the third day Idepartment. All they need are pencils and paper." saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.*** The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years conference I went home and told myTracker husband that I would no longer do his laundry andA family was visiting an Indian reservation when that he would have to do it himself. After the firstthey happen upon an old tribesman laying face down day I saw nothing. After the second day I sawin the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly nothing. But after the third day I saw that he hadagainst the blacktop. The father of the family asked done not only his own washing but my washing asthe old tribesman what he was doing. well."The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late The crowd cheered.thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After lastFour door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h." years conference I went home and told my husband"Thats amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell that I would no longer do his shopping and that he 108 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 109. would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw ***nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. Butafter the third day I could see a little bit out of my Chemists Bad Dayleft eye." Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door*** by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "Its the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning onLanguage Problem the phone." Immediately the husband droveA bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat downtown to accost the druggist and demand anthemselves and engage in animated conversation. apology. Before he could say more than a word orThe lady sitting behind them ignores their two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute -conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failedwhen she hears one of the men say the following: to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come breakfast and hurried out to the car, but Ill betogether. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come damned if I didnt lock the house with both housetogether again. I come again and pee twice. Den I and car keys inside. I had to break a window to getcome one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speedingretorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I haddont talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was adown lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got thesexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella store opened and started waiting on these people,"Mississippi"! and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the*** cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my handsGenie In The Lamp and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is stillA man was walking along a California beach and ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on thestumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and open cash drawer, which made me stagger backrubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles"OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. Theblah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and Im phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally gotgetting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted toabout three. You only get one wish! The man sat and know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister,thought about it for a while and said, "Ive always I TOLD HER!"wanted to go to Hawaii, but Im scared to fly and Iget very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to ***Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genielaughed and said, "Thats impossible! Think of the Shoppinglogistics of that! How would the supports ever reach A woman was shopping at her local supermarket,the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs,concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another juice, and a package of bacon.wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a As she was unloading her items on the conveyer beltreally good wish. Finally, he said, "Ive been married to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watchedand divorced four times. My wives always said that as she placed her items in front of the cashier.I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bitcould understand women . . . know how they feel startled, looked at her four items on the belt, andinside and what theyre thinking when they give me seeing nothing particularly unusual about herthe silent treatment . . .know why theyre crying, selections said, "Well, yknow, thats right. But howknow what they really want when they say, nothing in earth did you know that?. . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The The drunk said, "Cause youre uglier n shit."genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes orfour?" *** 109 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 110. Salesman of the Year The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying aA young guy from Texas moves to California and bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How ingoes to a big department store looking for a job. The the world could I possibly hold you up against themanager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down,The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top ofTexas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the bucket ... and Ill hold the chickens."the job. "You start tomorrow. Ill come down afterwe close and see how you did." His first day on the ***job was rough but he got through it. After the storewas locked up, the boss came down. "How many Sign of the Timessales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney,The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average walks into a room to meet with his former20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" accountant.Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3What the hell did you sell?" million bucks you embezzled from me?" TheKid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I accountant does not answer.sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 millionlarger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. bucks you embezzled from me?"Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mutesaid down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna and cannot understand you, but I can interpret forneed a boat, so we went down to the boat you."department and I sold him that twin engine Chris The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damnCraft. Then he said he didnt think his Honda Civic money is!" The attorney, using sign language, askswould pull it, so I took him down to the automotive the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss The accountant signs back, "I dont know what yousaid, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and are talking about."you sold him a boat and truck?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesntKid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of know what you are talking about."tampons for his wife and I said, Well, your The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts itweekends shot, you might as well go fishing" to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money*** is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants toAdvice know where it is!"A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! Theanvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shedfarmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I in my backyard!"WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"home? The livestock dealer said, "Why dont you The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "Heput the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one says...go to hell... ..that you dont have the guts tohand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the pull the trigger."goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" thefarmer said, and off he went. While walking home ***he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 MagicianMockingbird Lane?" A magician was working on a cruise ship in theThe farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just Caribbean. The audience would be different eachdown the road from there. Lets take my short cut week, so the magician allowed himself to do theand go down this alley. Well be there in no time." same tricks over and over again. There was only oneThe little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow problem: The captains parrot saw the shows eachwithout a husband to defend me. How do I know week and began to understand how the magician didthat when we get in the alley you wont hold me up every trick. Once he understood he started shoutingagainst the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" in the middle of the show: 110 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 111. "Look, its not the same hat." him. "Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." asked."Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" "YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED inThe magician was furious but couldnt do anything; a frenzy.it was, after all, the captains parrot. "Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin didnt!"One day the ship had an accident and sank. Themagician found himself floating on a piece of wood ***in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter Ducka word. This went on for a day and another and A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got anyanother. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give duck feed?"up. Wheres the boat?" The clerk tells him, "No, we dont have a market for it so we dont carry it."*** The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. The next day, the duck again walks in to the feedGorilla store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerkIts a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his says no and the duck leaves.wife are at the zoo. Shes wearing a cute, loose- Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks,fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As "Got any duck feed?"they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front The clerk says, "Ive told you twice, we dont haveof a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He duck feed, weve never had duck feed and we neverjumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and will have duck feed. If you ask me again, Ill nail2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got anyin the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the nails?"excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor "No."fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, "Got any duck feed?"wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does andMr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises ***that would wake the dead. Then the husbandsuggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, Lippy Parrotand Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs" ... this a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The mandrives the gorilla absolutely crazy. asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and theThen, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the parrot squawks, "And why dont you get me ahair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in whisky, wench." The stewardess, flustered by thewith the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a parrots outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrotheadache." but inadvertently forgets the mans cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee*** to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you uglyBats bitch." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes backA vampire bat came flapping in for the night with the parrots whisky but still no coffee for thecovered in fresh blood and parked himself on the man.ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decidesthe other bats smelled the blood and started hassling that he is going to try the parrots approach, "Ivehim about where he got it. He told them to piss off asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expectand let him get some sleep, but they persisted until you to get it for me right now so I dont have to seehe finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and that disgustingly hideous face of yours any more!"flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind Next thing they know, both the man and the parrothim. Down through a valley they went, across a are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergencyriver and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards todown and all the other bats excitedly milled around the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, 111 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 112. "For someone who cant fly, you sure are a lippy Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitutebastard." roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take*** off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child atCows night.The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped givingmilk. The people did some research and found that - Grocery Store Testthey could buy a cow just across the state line inWisconsin for $200. They bought the cow from Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best)Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced and take them with you as you shop. Always keeplots of milk all of the time, and the people were them in sight and pay for anything they eat orpleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a damage.bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows likeit. They would never have to worry about their milk - Dressing Testsupply again. They bought the bull and put it in thepasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into athe bull came close to the cow, the cow would move small net bag making sure that all the arms stayaway. No matter what approach the bull tried, the inside.cow would move away from the bull and he couldnot succeed in his quest. The people were very upset - Feeding Testand decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, whatto do. They told the Vet what was happening. Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Startaway. If he approaches from the back, she moves the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggyforward. When he approaches her from the front, cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending toshe backs off. An approach from the side, she walks be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug onaway to the other side." The Vet thought about this the floor.for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buythis cow in Wisconsin?" The people were - Night Testdumbfounded, since no one had ever mentionedwhere they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill itVet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly inin Wisconsin?" water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with theThe Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set yourwife is from Wisconsin." alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about*** a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. SetEnglish Joke, Funny Stories alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep*** If you think the way to a mans heart is through this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.his stomach youre aiming too high. - Ingenuity TestHow to know whether or not you are ready tohave kids: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet- Mess Test paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and anfish stick behind the couch and leave it there all empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica ofsummer. the Eiffel Tower.- Toy Test - Automobile Test 112 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 113. Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into thechocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove trailer and I was driving down the road..."compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick itinto the CD player. Take a family-size package of The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I amchocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of theseat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman onperfect! the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I- Physical Test (Women) believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to thefront of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. By this time the Judge was fairly interested inThen remove the beans. And try not to notice your Farmer Joes answer and said to the lawyer, "Id likecloset full of clothes. You wont be wearing them for to hear what he has to say about his favorite mulea while. Bessie."- Physical Test (Men) Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favoriteGo to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the mule, into the trailer and was driving her down thecounter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ranto the nearest food store. Go to the head office and the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrownthe store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt wantit quietly for the last time. to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just- Final Assignment by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear BessieFind a couple who already has a small child. Lecture moaning and groaning so he went over to her. Afterthem on how they can improve their discipline, he looked at her he took out his gun and put her outpatience, tolerance, and toilet training and childs of her misery Then the Patrolman came across thetable manners. Suggest many ways they can road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. Heimprove. Emphasize to them that they should never said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had toallow their children to run wild. Enjoy this shoot her - how are you feeling?"experience. It will be the last time you will have allthe answers. Out With The Flu...Joes Accident... I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he wasFarmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident feeling.were serious enough to take the trucking company(responsible for the accident) to court. In court the "Im better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderfultrucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning experience." he replied.farmer Joe. "Didnt you say, at the scene of theaccident, Im fine?" said the lawyer. "Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.Farmer Joe responded, "Well, Ill tell you whathappened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie "Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. Youinto the......." know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran"I didnt ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the My husband is home! My husband is home!"scene of the accident, Im fine!" 113 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 114. Trouble Selling A Car... towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having alot of problems selling it, because the car had almost Three hours later he returned.230,000 miles on it. The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5One day, she told her problem to a brunette she miles over that hill. Couldnt you find it?"worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "Thereis a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but its "I found it all right. They wouldnt let me in withoutnot legal." a tie.""That doesnt matter," replied the blonde, "if I only The Americans and Russians...can sell the car." The Americans and Russians at the height of the"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a arms race realized that if they continued in the usualfriend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I manner they were going to blow up the wholesent you and he will fix it. Then it should not be a world. One day they sat down and decided to settleproblem to sell your car anymore." the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in theThe following weekend, the blonde made the trip to world and whichever sides dog won would bethe mechanic. entitled to dominate the world.About one month after that, the brunette asked the The Russians found the biggest meanest Dobermanblonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bredblonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.it!" They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gaveNeed Water! him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.An traveler was stumbling through the desert,desperate for water, then he saw something, far off Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thickin the distance. and nobody could get near it.Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, When the day came for the dog fight, the Americansonly to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine footwith a bunch of neckties laid out. long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way thatThe parched wanderer asked, "Please, Im dying of this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with thethirst, can I have some water?" Russian dog.The man replied "I dont have any water, but why When the cages were opened up, the Dachshunddont you buy a tie? Heres one that goes nicely with came out of its cage and slowly waddled overyour clothes." towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the AmericanThe desperate man shouted, "I dont want a tie, you dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite theidiot, I need water!" Dachshunds neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite."OK, dont buy a tie. But to show you what a niceguy I am, Ill tell you that over that hill there, about There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, theyllgive you all the water you want." The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We dont understand howThe man thanked the peddler and walked away this could have happened. We had our best people 114 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 115. working for five years with the meanest Doberman Agent: Thats right. Weve been here all day andand Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the were starving.biggest meanest Siberian wolves." Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?"Thats nothing", an American replied. "We had ourbest plastic surgeons working for five years to make Agent: Weve collected a pool of cash.an alligator look like a Dachshund."How About Some Pizza... Pizza Man: And youre all FBI agents?FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital Agent: Yes.in San Diego that was under investigation formedical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing Pizza Man: With guns?thousands of medical records, the dozens of agentshad worked up quite an appetite. Agent: Thats right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance inThe agent in charge of the investigation called a the rear? We have the front doors locked.nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order aquick dinner for his colleagues. The following Pizza Man: You must be crazy!telephone conversation took place and was recordedby the FBI because they were taping all Mrs.ODonovan...conversations at the hospital. Mrs.ODonovan was walking down OConnell StreetAgent: Hello. Id like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction wascases of soda. Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs.ODonovan? Didnt I marry you two yearsPizza Man: And where would you like them ago?" She replied "That you did Father." The priestdelivered? asked, "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet Father," said she. "Well, now, Im going to RomeAgent: Were over at the psychiatric hospital. next week, and Ill light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father." And away she went.Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs.Agent: Thats right. Im an FBI agent. ODonovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said, "havePizza Man: Youre an FBI agent? you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. Ive had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."Agent: Thats correct. Just about everybody here is. "Now isnt that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh," she said, "hes gone toPizza Man: And youre at the psychiatric hospital? Rome. To blow out the damn candle!Agent: Thats correct. And make sure you dont go Texas Vs. Australiathrough the front doors. We have them locked.Youll have to go around to the back service A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. Thereentrance to deliver the pizzas. he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the TexanPizza Man: And you say youre all FBI agents there? says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"Agent: Thats right. How soon can you have themhere? They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediatelyPizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice asan FBI agent? large as your cows." 115 – clairsang@gmail.com
  • 116. The conversation has died down when the Texan instructions and re-re-assembles thesees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. cupboard. Shortly, a train passes and the wholeHe asks the Aussie, "What are those?" cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time. Rosie is now fed up, cross and rather angry so sheThe Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Dont phones the customer service department. She is toldyou have any grasshoppers in Texas?" that this is quite impossible and that theyll sendFunny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen along a fitter to take a look. The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard. Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the fitter decides to reassemble the cupboardWhen I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man and sit inside it to see whether he can find out whatsitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point,stopped and asked him what was wrong. Rosies husband comes home, sees the cupboard andHe told me, I have a 22 year old wife at home. She says, Oh, thats a splendid looking cupboard, and herubs my back every morning and then gets up and opens it to look inside.makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly The fitter, who had been wondering how to explainground coffee. his position in Rosies bedroom cupboard, blurts out,I continued, Well, then why are you crying? You probably wont believe me, but Im standingHe added, She makes me homemade soup for lunch here waiting for a train.and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then An Irishmans Jocular Talewatches sports TV with me for the rest of the An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman allafternoon. entered a 26 mile long swimming race.I said, Well, why are you crying? After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and dropsHe said, For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal out.with wine and my favourite dessert and then we Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired andcuddle until the small hours. drops out.I inquired, Well then, why in the world would you After 25 miles the Irish man decides he cant finishbe crying? the race, so he turns around and swims back to theHe replied, I cant remember where I live. start.The Silly, Hilarious and Funny Side of DIY [Do Fun At The MoviesIt Yourself] Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at theRosie Hall buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see "Slumdogfrom her local Homebase store. Reaching home Millionaire" but because of two women loudlyRosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the chatting together who were sitting in the row in frontpieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogueIt looks really great and she is delighted. clearly.Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper,passes by the cupboard collapses. Undaunted by Excuse me ladies but I cant hear.this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and I should hope not, stormed the woman, this is areassembles the cu