Readers Digest September 2006

Slide 1: 9/11 Heroes Secrets One Vitamin Five Years of A+ That CanSave Later Students Your Life Drew Slimmed down, grown up & in love at last Plus ■ Conan O’Brien ■ Jerry Seinfeld ■ Jeff Foxworthy September 2006 $2.99 r d . c o m ■ Nora Ephron 10800 ■ Bob Newhart

Slide 2: SEPTEMBER 2006 ★ AMERICA IN YOUR POCKET ★ Our funniest issue ever is jam-packed with so many jokes, cartoons and hilarious stories, you’ll be laughing yourself silly! ILLUSTRATED BY ELWOOD SMITH 100 The Funny Factor 127 What They Don’t DAN FERBER, PHD Teach in Comedy School Why smart brains take JERRY SEINFELD humor seriously. The toughest crowd I ever faced 106 Face to Face with taught me the true meaning of stage fright. Drew Barrymore SARA DAVIDSON 130 Out of Sight The famous funny girl on why NORA EPHRON she feels so fortunate. This writer-director can’t read the fine print—and still can’t 112 Did You Hear the find her glasses. One About … … the doctor, the lawyer, the blonde? 133 America’s Here, they tell us their favorite jokes. Dumbest 118 Humor Me Criminals MARGOT DOUGHERTY WILLIAM BEAMAN When it comes to being funny, A lineup of bumbling crooks who Conan O’Brien can’t help himself. practically caught themselves. 122 No Joke ANDY SIMMONS 136 Redneck’s Revenge A reluctant comic discovers ALANNA NASH firsthand that doing stand-up is Blue-collar humorist Jeff Foxworthy easy. For some people. is having the last laugh. * ON THE COVER

Slide 3: BONUS READ SUPER STORM 192 CHRISTOPHER W. DAVIS A tornado half a mile wide was headed straight for town. PHOTOGRAPHED BY TAMARA REYNOLDS 148 Woman of the World * 9/11 FIVE YEARS LATER WILLIAM BEAMAN & CONRAD KIECHEL Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice 170 The Hero talks about the many crises we face, DEREK BURNETT and what we need to do. Port Authority police sergeant John McLoughlin: “Our lives are 154 Lifeline TERRI ADAMS changed forever.” In a small country hospital, a 3-year- old boy’s life hangs by a thread—and 175 The Survivor a long-distance phone call. GAIL CAMERON WESCOTT Wall Street executive and burn * 162 The Miracle victim Lauren Manning: “I’m Vitamin PAULA DRANOV moving forward.” Getting enough D may be the best thing you can do for your health. 178 The Leader WILLIAM BEAMAN * 182 Secrets of A+ New York City’s Mayor Rudy Students WILLIAM BEAMAN Giuliani: “Courage is about Three very different families reveal managing fear.” their keys to success. COVER: (BARRYMORE) KENNETH WILLARDT/CORBIS OUTLINE; (O’BRIEN) JURGEN FRANK/CORBIS OUTLINE 5

Slide 4: SEPTEMBER 2006 COLUMNS 43 That’s Outrageous! MICHAEL CROWLEY ROBERT RISKO 61 My Planet ANDY SIMMONS 69 Health IQ MICHAEL F. ROIZEN, MD, & MEHMET C. OZ, MD 75 Food for Life DEAN ORNISH, MD 83 Money Makers MARIA BARTIROMO 99 Punch lines 97 Ask Laskas JEANNE MARIE LASKAS 236 RD Challenge WILL SHORTZ D E PA R T M E N T S PHOTOGRAPHED BY ERIK BUTLER 13 You Said It 19 Only in America 33 Everyday Heroes 53 Word Power 87 All in a Day’s Work 75 New! Dr. Dean Ornish 90 Humor in Uniform on how to eat smart for life. 93 Turning Point: Bob Newhart 99 Quotable Quotes 142 Laughter, the Best Medicine 234 Life in These United States 215 RDLIVING There’s no place like 216 Health home—especially when 221 Food you throw a spa party, 224 Money BOKELBERG.COM serve a fresh harvest 225 You stew, get your vet to 226 Cars make a house call, and 228 Pets de-clutter with style. 230 Home

Slide 5: YOU SAID IT LETTERS ON THE JULY ISSUE the power to say Bad Lawsuits no, but awarded the M y father has money. As long as 12 DWIs. He juries continue to still drives. He make such awards, was supposed to be on the plaintiffs will be house arrest, but he went there, the lawyers riding on a moped, drunk, will be there, and the and hit a broken sidewalk. courts will allow it. Ended up with multiple C.P., San Francisco, California injuries and broken bones. He still had on his elec- With corporations tronic ankle bracelet. often acting reck- Do you think he had to go lessly, and the fed- back to jail for being drunk while on eral government abrogating its house arrest? No. Do you think he oversight responsibilities, it’s left got into trouble for driving drunk? to the civil justice system to hold No. He was planning to sue the city wrongdoers to account. And it’s the for the broken sidewalk until it oc- trial attorneys who guide the weak- curred to him his probation officer est among us through the system to might find out he was still drinking achieve justice. KEN SUGGS, President, Association of Trial Lawyers of America and driving (“That’s Outrageous: Lawsuit Lunacy”). J.F., via Internet Scam Alert I am a “recovering” defense received an unsolicited letter lawyer. I defended professionals who got sued, many by plaintiffs who claimed my clients should I from a mortgage company I’d never heard of. They knew how much I owed on my mortgage and have saved them from themselves. that I had an equity loan as well. I became frustrated with the Even though my husband and I have lawyers who accepted such cases, excellent credit and both loans are the trial judges who refused to current, this company suggested dismiss them, the appellate and we’d soon be in financial trouble supreme court justices who rein- without their help. stated them when a trial judge did Later that same day, I saw your have the courage to dismiss one, but timely article about mortgage fraud most of all with the juries who had (“Cheated Out of House and ILLUSTRATED BY VICTOR JUHASZ 13

Slide 6: RD I SEPTEMBER 2006 Home”). It confirmed what I already New Yorkers were quite happy to suspected—that the company was send us in the right direction. probably up to no good. APRIL ROBBINS, Ashland, Kentucky LOLLIE HOFER, Omaha, Nebraska I lived in the Philippines for two years. I may not have had people “Why Me?” open a door for me or pick up pa- s a 19-month colorectal and pers when I dropped them, but I’ve A breast cancer survivor, I asked the very same question as Heather Rudnick when she found never had as many strangers offer me a drink when it was hot, food when I was hungry or an umbrella out she had lung cancer. I was a in the rain. Testing other cultures on healthy, active 40-something typical American courtesies that are woman. Lower back pain turned foreign to them is unfair and biased. out to be stage III rectal cancer. A LOGAN SHEEN, Leander, Texas PET scan found that a breast lump, thought to be benign, was also HOW TO cancer. I went through a whirlwind REACH US of chemo, radiation, bowel resection Letters to the Editor surgery and lumpectomy. ■ letters@rd.com Just living a healthy lifestyle may ■ You Said It, Reader’s Digest, Box 200, not be enough to avoid a cancer Pleasantville, New York 10572-0200 diagnosis. Fifty is the “normal” age Include your full name, address, e-mail to have a colonoscopy. Had I waited and daytime phone number. We may edit letters, and use them in all print and until then, I would more than likely electronic media. have lost my fight. Submissions KATHRYN MARQUARDT, Rancho Cucamonga, California For short humor items, please see page 146. We regret that we cannot accept or acknowledge unsolicited artwork, pho- How Rude Are You? tographs or article-length manuscripts. Save Time Go Online am from kentucky but recently I Subscriptions, payments, changes of visited New York City. I’d have address, account information, inquiries at 877-732-4438 or rd.com/help. to agree with your survey that says New Yorkers are the most cour- Subscriptions ■ RD, Box 7823, teous people in the world (“Uncom- Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0823 mon Courtesy”). From the time we Moving? arrived until we left, everyone we ■ RD, Dept. CHADD, encountered was unbelievably kind Box 7809, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0809 to us. Whether they were giving us Reprints directions for using the subway or ■ rd.com/reprints (min. 500 copies) recommending a great place to eat, 14

Slide 7: ONLY IN America IDEAS, TRENDS, AND INTERESTING BITS FROM ALL OVER Yes, Life Is Getting Verse oetry is hot. Donald Hall, the nations’s new P poet laureate, says when he takes his post in October, he’d like to launch a po- etry show on satellite radio. Already— thanks to $175 million from heiress Ruth Lilly—Chicago’s Poetry Foun- dation is pushing poetry via newspapers, TV, even podcasts. There’s the new CD set Poetry on Record, with such bards as Walt Whitman and Sylvia Plath. And the Poetry Society of America’s “Poetry in Motion” series, which gives bus and train riders in 14 cities something literary to look at. What’s behind the trend? Says Poetry on Record editor Rebekah Presson Mosby: “People are getting back to an understanding that poetry is for pleasure.” Forget rhymes—that’s a pretty good reason. 99% of adult readers encounter poetry in their lives. SOURCE: National Opinion Research Center ILLUSTRATED BY EDMUND GUY 19

Slide 8: They’re Playing Musical Chairs at the Airport acing huge fuel bills and competi- F tion from small carriers, some big air- lines are cutting costs by dropping the old back-to-front method for boarding passengers. Says airline consultant David Swierenga, “The faster you can turn the airplane around at the terminal, the more flights you can operate.” United Airlines says window-middle-aisle seating—new last fall—saves 4-5 minutes per flight (and $1 million a year). US Airways is trying a “reverse pyramid” (window seats in back first; aisle seats in front last). It may confuse fliers, but would you rather pay for your peanuts? (Dockers Authentic K1s, THE RISE OF Dockers senior market- for example, go for ing manager, “people are CASUAL CHIC starting to look for diver- $70 v. $48 for a regular Sales of khaki pants, the sity.” Apparently, they’re pair). So far, men are uniform of the dot-com also looking for luxury. buying. Says Kurt JAMES W. PORTER/CORBIS era, fizzled after the This time around, khakis Barnard of Barnard’s Internet bubble burst. are getting a high-end Retail Trend Report: Now they’re coming makeover. Menswear “Consumers today don’t back. Levi Strauss, for makers such as Brooks want to compromise example, has seen sales Brothers, Tommy Hilfiger unless they absolutely of its Dockers brand and Nautica are rolling have to.” But they still increase for seven out so-called premium have to put their pants straight months. “With versions—heavier cotton, on one leg the denim-and-blazer softer textures, updated at a time. look on every guy,” fits—at steeper says Melina Baxter, prices 20

Slide 9: RD I SEPTEMBER 2006 GRASS ROOTS RON DALEY STACK ATTACK o the list of un- T likely activites kids compete in these days, add “sport stacking.” Originally meant to aid pre-teens’ hand-eye coordination (by quickly stacking and unstacking plastic cups in various forma- tions), the sport was born in California recreation centers in A New Town Crier the 1980s. Some 10,000 urricane katrina battered Pass Christian, schools now include H Mississippi, a seaside town 20 miles west of Biloxi. In the storm’s wake, the popula- tion fell from 6,500 to 2,000. Despite all it lost, it in their phys-ed programs. Another sign it’s arrived: Mass Pass Christian gained a new local newspaper. retailers now sell Freelancer Evelina Shmukler, 29, was doing stacking equipment post-Katrina reporting for The Wall Street Jour- (including the $39.99 nal when she arrived on September 5. She felt Speed Stacks Stack- an instant bond: “The people were so friendly Pack). Just don’t try it and open.” Returning at Thanksgiving, she real- with juice in ized residents had a critical need for information, those and aided by AmeriCorps volunteers, she put cups. out the first issue of the Pass Christian Gazebo Gazette. She printed 150 copies—with lists of reopened businesses and contact numbers for government agencies—on her mother’s copier in Atlanta, and volunteers placed them in stacks around town. They were gone within days. Now she’s up to 3,000 copies a week. Advertis- ing covers her costs (she works as a grant writer to support herself). Residents feed her tips, like word of a huge sunflower spotted in town. “They thought I might want to take a picture,” she says. Amid the ruins, things that grow— flowers, newspapers—are reasons to celebrate. 22

Slide 10: RD I SEPTEMBER 2006 Things That (Don’t) Make You Go Boom long list of science A whizzes—from Intel co-founder Gordon Moore to author Oliver Sacks— got hooked on the subject by blowing things up during home chemistry experiments. Unfortunately, today’s young Einsteins have a tough time making big stinks in the garage. That’s because fears about terrorism, FFOTO FICTIONS/TAXI/GETTY IMAGES lawsuits, even the manufacturing of methamphetamines, have left the new generation of chemistry sets featuring a lot less fun stuff than those of yore. The Skilcraft ChemLab 1100 kit, for instance, assures parents it contains “no glass pieces or open flames.” One reasonable set still on the market: the Thames & Kosmos C3000, with enough flasks, vials and chemicals for 360 experiments. But even at a price of $189.95, the kit lacks the type of oxidiz- ing agents a kid needs to make an explosive discovery. That’s right—no more bangs for your bucks. RD INDEX A quick review of some of the good, bad and ugly to appear on our radar recently. YEA NAY PepsiCo For alerting Coca-Cola Co. Seattle officials For opening a resi- after a Coke employee and two cronies dence for chronically alcoholic home- allegedly offered to spill less people that lets them drink in their trade secrets. Corporate rooms. It may save taxpayers some foes cooperating? What money, but is this really a good way to a refreshing idea. battle the bottle? Johnnetta Cole For push- Boeing For even con- ing to end her five years as president sidering taking a tax of North Carolina’s Bennett College write-off in connection with the school in solid fiscal shape. with a $615 million settlement it paid Running a deficit in 2002, the histori- to the U.S. Justice Department to re- cally black college is halfway to Cole’s solve a pair of cases. Hey, big defense $50 million goal. That’s leadership. contractor, we take offense. 24

Slide 11: RD I SEPTEMBER 2006 THINGS We Don’t Want You to Miss TV BOOK HBO’S Mr. Conservative: Goldwater on Goldwater chronicles the life of late U.S. Senator Barry Gold- water. Produced by the RD’s picks for great Arizona Republican’s ways to spend your granddaughter, it’s an free time this month evenhanded take on a controversial man. Airs 9/18 CD Can’t trek to Nashville’s Country Music Hall of Fame? Will the Circle Be Unbroken— a lively, photo- Madeleine packed Peyroux is a history of young woman, the genre— but she sings like brings it on an old soul on the home. On sale 9/18 spare, yet lush Half the Perfect World, GAME her swinging third A sequel to one of last disc.i On sale 9/12 year’s biggest video game hits, LEGO Star Wars II is a fun-for-any- WEBSITE age adventure Do we need a MySpace.com for children under 14? in a galaxy far, Parents may not think so, but their sons and daugh- far away—ani- ters want to hang out like the big kids do. Enter mated en- imbee.com. Targeting the 8-14 set, it lets them tirely with chat with pals, write blogs, share photos—with little snap- an emphasis on safety. Accounts require parental ping plastic approval, the site blocks snoopers, and Mom and blocks. Dad can keep tabs on Junior in his online clubhouse. On sale 9/12 28

Slide 12: EVERYDAY HEROES Erin’s Angels B Y LY N N R O S E L L I N I laine stoeppelwerth walked E Chasing thieves, Erin Donovan didn’t out the door of Petty’s Fine let her three-inch heels slow her down. Foods in Tulsa, Oklahoma, clutching a bag of pastries. But as she shifted her bag and She was not a fearful person. But opened the door to her Toyota, one as she headed toward her parked of the men rushed up to the car. He car, the graying grandmother of blocked her in on one side, while three couldn’t help noticing two the other pushed her and then wiry young men trailing behind her wordlessly ripped the white leather on the sidewalk. Are they following bag from her shoulder. Both men me? she wondered. It was a sunlit took off running. May afternoon in Utica Square, an Stoeppelwerth had bought the upscale shopping complex—hardly $500 purse with her employee’s dis- the time or place for street crime. count at Miss Jackson’s, the bou- Stoeppelwerth shook off her fear. tique where she worked. Inside the There are dozens of people around bag were her credit cards and $11. here. I’m not in any danger. But that’s not what made her frantic. PHOTOGRAPHED BY ERIKA LARSEN 33

Slide 13: RD I SEPTEMBER 2006 The robbers had her house keys and was dressed for court in a tangerine- driver’s license—with her address. colored suit and three-inch heels. Stoeppelwerth’s six-year-old grand- Still, she had to keep the men daughter was at home with the in sight until help arrived. Clutching nanny. her purse and wallet in one Irate, she screamed, “They stole hand and her stamps in the other, my purse!” she sprinted after them. “Those About 15 feet away, Erin Donovan two guys stole a woman’s purse!” she screamed. Donovan dialed 911. Up ahead, Nona Manning, “There’s been 59, a receptionist taking a break from her job, heard a purse-snatching! the screams and saw the runners flash past. Manning They’re running west.” felt a surge of rage. They’re not going to get away with had just emerged from the post of- that! she thought, and joined the fice. An estate planning attorney, pursuit. Nearby, 19-year-old Virginia Donovan often worked with elderly Wood, a waitress at the Olive Gar- clients who also looked to her for den restaurant, heard the commo- emotional support. Donovan em- tion. She started running too. A pathized with their loneliness, lis- fourth woman followed in her car, tened to their concerns, even took honking loudly. them to their doctors. It irked her Hollering and dodging startled that the elderly often got little shoppers, the women tore down the respect. sidewalk after the fleeing men. They Now she heard the terror in sprinted past Miss Jackson’s, past Stoeppelwerth’s voice and saw the ornamental pear trees and maroon two men streaking across the lot. and yellow pansies in curbside beds. They’re going to be gone if someone Donovan fumbled for her cell phone doesn’t do something, she realized. and dialed 911. “There’s been a The other shoppers seemed un- purse-snatching at Utica Square. aware. So Donovan made a quick They’re running west …” call. She’d make enough noise to get The pair rounded a corner, then everyone’s attention. Hopefully jumped into a green Mercedes somebody would stop the thieves. parked at the curb. Donovan pointed At 50, Erin Donovan was by no at them and yelled, “Don’t move! means an athlete. Nor was she I’ve called the police!” dressed for a chase. A stylish For a moment, the men locked woman who rarely went out without eyes with her and seemed inclined earrings and salon-perfect hair, she to obey. Then they threw open the 34

Slide 14: E V E R Y D AY H E R O E S car doors, bolted out and tore down around him and hung on. Then the the street again. Everyone followed. man broke free. At Starbucks, where patrons sat “Grab him!” Donovan yelled. Two sipping coffee at sidewalk tables, the passersby and another guard did as men bounded through the front she said. Moments later police ar- door and into the bathroom. rived and arrested the men on rob- The women, panting for breath, bery charges. And Stoeppelwerth had them trapped. Outside, they got her purse back—along with her waved at a Utica Square security credit cards, keys and cash. truck. “Security! They’re in the Star- Tulsa Police Department spokes- bucks bathroom!” man Scott Walton said afterward The door exploded open a mo- that if Donovan and the other ment later, and one of the men women hadn’t chased the men, dashed out. A security guard “they would have been in that car grabbed him and wrestled him to and out of there. And if they did it the ground. But the other guy was once, they could do it again.” still inside. Nona Manning said the chase He’s gonna get away, thought made her feel like one of Charlie’s Donovan, perspiring in the 80- Angels. “Four women decided that degree heat. I have not run all over we’re not going to let these guys get making a fool out of myself to let away with this,” she said. this guy go. As for Donovan, she got some rib- When the second man shot out bing from courthouse pals, who now the door, Donovan lowered her call her “the vigilante.” Says Dono- shoulders and rushed, nailing van, “If the message that comes out him with a cross-body block right of this is that people should be more below the rib cage. As he reeled involved with taking care of older backward, she wrapped her arms people, it’s great.” W H AT S H O U L D W E R E A D I N T O T H I S ? It’s enough to turn someone vegetarian! I was leafing through my local newspaper when I came upon this ad: “Carrabas Italian Grill—People Are Our Specialty.” MARCY PORTER If you pass the Delta Casket Company truck while driving through Knoxville, Tennessee, tell the owner he needs a better paint job. Just below the company’s name—and through the new paint—you can read the old owner’s website: www.publicstorage.com. JOHN OSTERMEYER FILLERS ILLUSTRATED BY JAMES MCMULLAN 37

Slide 15: ® THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS! MICHAEL CROWLEY Charity Chiselers Nonprofit execs are getting big bucks and big perks, all on the donor’s dime W hen Paul C. Cabot, Jr., causes? According to a Boston Globe threw a $200,000 wed- investigation, from 1998 through ding for his daughter in 2002, during which the foundation 2001, the money to pay paid him more than $5 million, for it came from the Paul and Vir- Cabot steered only about $2 million ginia Cabot Charitable Trust, which to charity. Ultimately he reached an was established to fund worthy agreement with the Massachusetts causes. Cabot was Attorney General’s office to repay a trustee of the the foundation over $4 million. foundation and The Cabot Charitable Trust is one earned millions in of tens of thousands of nonprofits salary from it over that have promised to serve the the years, but ap- greater good in return for tax- parently that was free status. In other words, not quite enough. So when his daugh- ter’s nuptials arrived, he gave himself a $360,000 PHOTOGRAPHED BY KAREN BALLARD/REDUX raise—money, he later admitted, he intended to put toward the posh Boca Grande, Florida, wedding. And what about those worthy Michael Crowley is a senior editor at The New Republic. ILLUSTRATED BY SELÇUK DEMIREL 43

Slide 16: RD I SEPTEMBER 2006 you and I subsidize the work of “fringe benefits,” and 20 staff mem- these organizations to the tune bers made over $1 million each. of billions of dollars in lost tax People in the nonprofit world say revenue; misspent resources don’t you need to pay top dollar for top serve the public good. talent. Former Red Cross president The high-profile scandals at and CEO Marsha J. Evans managed companies like Enron and Tyco led 36,000 employees and a $3 billion Congress to pass laws that increased budget, for which she earned $450,000 in 2004. Fair At one charity, a CEO’s enough. salary burned up nearly But a lot of salaries are impossible to justify. For half the total budget. instance, the CEOs of six charities that are “low the transparency of corporate fi- rated” by the watchdog group Char- nances and made CEOs liable for ity Navigator—meaning they devote company financial statements. less than 60 percent of their budgets While some salaries and perks to programs and services—earn are still out of control, shareholders more than $350,000. That includes are now demanding closer scrutiny Wynton Marsalis, who earns about of corporate bigwigs. $800,000 as artistic director of New That leaves just one category of York’s Jazz at Lincoln Center. business that has managed to escape At some charities, an executive’s all effective oversight: the big- earnings can burn up nearly half the money world of nonprofit charities total budget. “There are a lot of peo- and foundations. While the vast ma- ple out there making $200,000 to jority of nonprofits (known as $300,000, and that’s pretty much all 501C3s, for the section of the tax [those charities] are doing—existing code that covers them) aren’t abus- to pay their own CEOs,” says Trent ing the trust we’ve placed in them, Stamp, president of Charity Naviga- an appalling number act more like tor. For example, in 2004 the Con- not-for-profit profiteers—with di- ference of Presidents of Major rectors whose salaries consume American Jewish Organizations huge chunks of their budgets, and Fund paid its secretary, Malcolm executives siphoning off tax-free Hoenlein, $819,000, nearly half the charity dollars for country-club charity’s total expenses that year. memberships and fancy vacations. Was he really worth more than the According to The Chronicle of Red Cross president? And should Philanthropy’s 2005 annual survey taxpayers be subsidizing that salary of 226 nonprofit organizations, 61 because the organization is tax- reported more than $100,000 in exempt? I don’t think so. 44

Slide 17: RD I SEPTEMBER 2006 Too often, moneygrubbing To be sure, some charity leaders crosses the line from unseemly to are setting a noble example. William flat-out corrupt. Take the case of Baker, head of the New York-based the Carl B. and Florence E. King Educational Broadcasting Corpora- Foundation, which receives tax-free tion, has reportedly refused any status and makes grants to programs raises above the $226,000 salary he for children and the elderly, medical first accepted a decade ago. research and scholarships. In 2004 Yet how do we rein in those fat a jury ordered two of the charity’s cats who would use our donations top officials to repay $7.5 million to pay for a deluxe wedding? A after they spent foundation money recent report to Congress suggests on everything from lavish vacations that nonprofits have at least three in Australia to health-club fees. board members, that their tax And, if officials actually do try to reports be filed electronically and engage in oversight, it is not always that large nonprofits have their welcome. In 2001 a United Way of financial statements reviewed by an the National Capital Area board outside auditor every year. “There’s member complained that the charity no reason not to extend many of the had paid for travel unrelated to the same requirements to nonprofits as group’s mission and had signed a we demand from corporations,” says lucrative contract with the group’s Jonathan Turley, a George Washing- former CEO. The board member was ton University law professor. He’s rebuffed and his term was not re- right. Because we shouldn’t open newed. Later it turned out the CEO our wallets to line someone else’s. had defrauded the United Way out of almost $500,000, including per- Outraged? Write to Michael Crowley sonal trips to Las Vegas. at outrageous@rd.com. SCENTS AND SENSIBILITY I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help listeners with their home prob- lems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement. “Leave a trail of breadcrumbs from your basement to your back- yard,” suggested the show’s host. “That’ll get rid of it.” An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. “Now I have two skunks in my basement.” DAVID ASTON 46

Slide 18: WORD POWER ® This Just In ... Comedian Jon Stewart may 12. duplicitous adj.— report “fake news” on The Daily Show, but his A: repetitive. B: long- vocabulary is no joke. Test yourself with these lasting. C: deceptive. words from choice interviews and monologues. D: flexible. Just proves you have to be smart to be funny. 13. catharsis n.—A: neg- Answers on the next page. ative energy. B: purifi- 1. condone v.—to re- cation. C: hollow tube. gard as A: offensive. D: numerical problem. B: acceptable or 14. monolithic adj.— harmless. C: the best. A: massive. B: speaking D: a secret. one language. C: exclu- 3. satire n.—A: Indian sive. D: fruitful. lute. B: mythological 15. dissonance n.— horse. C: long speech. A: impaired hearing. D: sarcastic wit. B: good reputation. 4. palatable adj.— C: termination. D: lack A: inexperienced. of agreement. B: agreeable. C: enter- 2. lemming n.— 16. bifurcated adj.— taining. D: wordy. A: sour fruit. A: divided in two. 5. arbiter n.—A: tree B: used car. B: given back. C: clearly lover. B: flowering explained. D: verbally canopy. C: authorita- C: short-tailed abused. tive judge. D: felon. rodent. D: cold- 6. coercive adj.— water fish. Weekend Update A: all-inclusive. Comics have been making B: controlling by force. 9. skew v.—A: to criti- a living off the news for C: thoughtful. D: will- cize or mock. B: dis- decades. Unscramble the ing to work together. tort or slant. C: line names of these Saturday 7. impugn v.—A: to ad- up. D: spread evenly. Night Live anchors. vance or help. B: make 10. vociferous adj.— Answers on the next page. something up. C: attack. marked by A: loud VYEHC HAESC D: protect. outcry. B: violence. NNIDES EILLRM 8. symbiosis n.—A: co- C: enthusiasm. D: fear. MRNO DALNOACMD operative union. B: reli- 11. preclude v.—A: to AINT YEF gious sign. C: argument introduce. B: form a NVIKE EALNNO premise. D: timely group. C: go early or LIBL RRAYUM occurrence. first. D: rule out. NJEA RTNICU ILLUSTRATED BY DAVID SHELDON 53

Slide 19: RD I SEPTEMBER 2006 ANSWERS 1. condone—[B] To 11. preclude—[D] To rule regard something, 2. lemming—[C] out, make impossible. usually negative, as Stewart jokes that past acceptable or harm- Short-tailed photos would preclude him less. South Africa from running for office. long condoned the rodent, known 12. duplicitous—[C] De- practice of racism. for recurrent mass ceptive; marked by contra- 3. satire—[D] Sar- castic wit and irony migrations, some dictory doubleness of thought. The governor used to expose vice of them suicidal. was accused of duplicitous or folly. Jon Stewart actions that benefited a appreciates that this The holiday campaign contributor. country allows for open satire. shoppers ran like 13. catharsis—[B] Purifi- cation, often with emo- 4. palatable—[B] lemmings to the tional renewal. Catharsis Agreeable to taste; sale aisle. is a theme in many of acceptable to the Shakespeare’s tragedies. mind. The proposed 14. monolithic—[A] Mas- constitution was sive; resembling a mono- barely palatable to lith. The employees the young nation. formed a monolithic front 5. arbiter—[C] A in opposing the strike. judge; one whose 15. dissonance—[D] Lack opinion is consid- of agreement, often be- ered authoritative. 8. symbiosis—[A] tween beliefs and actions. Some people may perceive Cooperative union The soldier felt a disso- news anchors to be of two dissimilar nance regarding his du- arbiters of the truth. organisms. The old- ties and religious ideals. 6. coercive—[B] Control- timers welcomed the settlers, forming a long- 16. bifurcated—[A] Di- ling or dominating by vided into two branches or force. Early missionaries lasting symbiosis. parts. The political party sometimes used coercive 9. skew—[B] To distort or found itself bifurcated by measures to convert peo- slant. Researchers skewed many key issues. ple to Christianity. (Latin the data in hopes of get- co, “together,” and arcere, ting a larger grant. (Old VOCABULARY RATINGS “shut in, keep off.”) North French eskiuer, 8-10 Good 11-13 Excellent 7. impugn (im PYOON)— “to shy away, avoid.”) 14-16 Exceptional Jane Curtin. [C] To attack as false, 10. vociferous—[A] Kevin Nealon; Bill Murray; often by words or argu- Marked by loud outcry. Norm MacDonald; Tina Fey; ment. The prosecutor The celebrity’s arrest was Chevy Chase; Dennis Miller; was quick to impugn the met with vociferous Weekend Update Answers: witness’s character. protest from the crowd. For more vocabulary-building fun and games online, go to wordpower.com. 54

Slide 20: MY PLANET BY ANDY SIMMONS, GUEST COLUMNIST Macho, Macho Man W hat timing! I’d just worn a hole through my llama wool sweater and used up the last of my patchouli-scented soap when I got the memo that “metrosexual” was out and “machosexual” was in. Women, it seems, have tired of men with hairless chests, so they’ve changed the rules, and the old macho is back in vogue. From now on, guys need to look and act tough— at a minimum, tough enough to open jelly jars without having time. “Now it’s a Marie Antoinette to run them under hot water. doll,” I told Quinn, knowing that Taking my marching orders, the tough love was the best love. first thing I did was to exhale for the Gone was my simple acquies- first time in three years, letting my cence when my wife, Jennifer, belly settle back into its natural po- informed me we’d be watching the sition draped over my belt. I then Melissa Gilbert retrospective on canceled my membership in the Lifetime Television. Tiramisu–of-the-Month club. “Sorry,” I told her, “this TV has Gone, too, was the easy sympathy been reserved for a special edition I doled out to my three-year-old of ‘Killing Cattle With Mike Ditka.’ ” daughter after she pulled the head Part of the machosexual compact off her Polly Pocket doll for the 12th is to fulfill traditional male roles—to Andy Simmons is guest columnist this be the rock, the decision-maker. So month while Mary Roach is on sabbatical as commander-in-chief of our little writing her third book. tribe, I canceled our family trip to ILLUSTRATED BY BONNIE TIMMONS 61

Slide 21: RD I SEPTEMBER 2006 Hersheypark. “Machosexuals,” I be kicked out of the house. explained, “don’t have chocolaty So off I stomped to the nearest good times. We have adventures.” watering hole to be with my fellow But being a benevolent dictator, I bulls. I was glad to see everyone had presented an alternative. read the same memo as me. Gone “Who wants to go bareback rhino were the cosmopolitans and choco- racing in Zimbabwe?” I asked. late martinis. In their place was only Machosexuals are a patient lot, so one choice: “Barkeep,” I said, “gimme a Milwaukee’s Best!” “Wanna take a steam A cold, frothy one appeared before me. bath in an active There was backslapping, swearing and a quick debate volcano in Indonesia?” on wearing helmets while motorcycling (everyone was when Jennifer said, “No, we’re going against it). And we used the old bar to Hersheypark,” I knew that perse- food favorite, edamame beans, to verance was in order. throw at a poster of Brad Pitt. “Wanna take a steam bath in an After raising a glass to the macho- active volcano in Indonesia?” sexuals of yore—Bogie, Duke “No.” Wayne, Attila the Hun—we took out “Fly a MiG-29 at mach 3 over our knives and whittled some sticks Moscow, going 60,000 feet straight before calling it a night. up in the air at a 90-degree angle Back home, I snuck into the house until the engine stalls and we tum- to avoid Jennifer. We machosexuals ble back to earth in a free fall, com- pick our battles and in so doing ing just ten feet off the ground know that tiptoeing is not the same before pulling up?” as retreating. “No.” In the living room I found Quinn “Kayak down Victoria Falls? Go crying over her headless doll as skinny-dipping in the Arctic? Walk Jennifer struggled with duct tape. over to the mini-mart and eat five- I grabbed some glue, and Jennifer day-old sushi?” handed me the doll. I reattached the No, no and no. head as best I could. It slipped a bit “You don’t like to have fun, do before drying, giving it that cock- you?” eyed, self-assured look that’s so Click! Jennifer turned on the TV attractive in a plastic doll. Quinn and raised the volume until Melissa climbed into my lap, and the three Gilbert’s voice drowned mine out. of us played with her Polly Pockets. Then, after much wrestling over Who knew playing with dolls the remote, we agreed that I should could be so much fun? ■ 62

Slide 22: HEALTH IQ GET SMART ABOUT YOUR BODY WITH DR. ROIZEN & DR. OZ THE BUZZ Muscle Up in Minutes I don’t have much time to work out. When I do, 1 Meditation may lower blood pressure and reduce insulin should I focus on cardio, strength training, yoga or something else? resistance in people Even if you’re busier than a tollbooth with heart disease. collector on Labor Day weekend, you can still benefit from short sweat sessions. Above all, 2 More Ameri- cans abuse prescription strengthen your muscles and increase your metabolism, as muscle burns more calories drugs than than fat. Try doing resistance moves that don’t require equipment: push-ups Q cocaine, hallu- cinogens, inhalants for your upper body, crunches for and heroin combined. your abs, and the invisible chair for your legs and butt (squat ADDICTION AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY; MOVEMENT DISORDERS &A 3 Inactive folks with your back against a wall; SOURCE: ARCHIVES OF INTERNAL MEDICINE; THORAX; JAMA; NATIONAL CENTER ON are up to hold the position for up 2.4 times as likely to two minutes). For a 20- to have heart minute workout that com- bines strength, stretching disease as more and cardiovascular training, visit realage.com. active people. For maximum health benefits, include 30 min- utes a day of walking. No time? Work three 4 Asthma sufferers can reduce their use of reliever inhalers by 10-minute sessions into your life: Park farther away at work, buy a headset and walk in cir- 86% with breathing cles while you’re on the phone, or take Brutus exercises. for two loops around the 5 Men with Parkin- son’s disease are more than twice as block. likely to have been exposed to pesticides through work or hobbies than those without the condition. 69

Slide 23: HOW TO MANAGE HEADACHES ONE COMMON PROBLEM FOUR EXPERT SOLUTIONS THE NUTRITIONIST THE AROMATHERAPIST e look at food first—it’s ix two drops of peppermint W easiest to manipulate. Food triggers are different for everyone: For some, red wine or M oil (Mentha piperita) in a teaspoon of olive oil. Rub on your forehead and temples for cheese may be to blame. Figure out instant cooling to ease pain. Or try your danger foods; then avoid them. putting two drops of lavender Caffeine withdrawal is a common (Lavandula angustifolia), mandarin culprit, so if you’re trying to cut (Citrus reticulata) or clary back, do so gradually. In- sage (Salvia sclarea) stead of coffee, drink 29 essential oils on a cotton plenty of water. The pain will eventually go away. million ball. Inhale for two to three minutes. ANNEMARIE COLBIN, PHD, Americans JANE BUCKLE, PHD, Author, Clinical Author, Food and Healing suffer from Aromatherapy: Essential Oils in Practice THE ACUPUNCTURIST migraines. THE NEUROLOGIST reatment is based on ost people who T M JEAN-MICHEL FOUJOLS/STOCK IMAGE/JUPITER IMAGES your other symptoms see a doctor for (fatigue, dizziness, irritability) headaches actually and type of pain (one- or two-sided, have migraines. Motrin or Advil dull throbbing, stabbing). Some find help, but if you need any drug two acupressure helpful: For pain in the or three times a week or more, see front of the head, apply pressure for your doctor. Ask about triptans or a minute or so in the webbing be- drugs to stop headaches before they tween the thumb and forefinger. For start. Magnesium, CoQ10 and ri- pain on the sides of the head, press boflavin may also prevent them. If on the top of the foot, between the you have new, severe headaches, it big toe and second toe. may be a sign of a serious problem. ANJALI HASIJA LAC, JAY LOMBARD, DO, Holistic Center and Spa, New York, New York Pomona, Ne