Turn to a partner and tell of a time in childhood when you learned from a mistake. Now think of times when you have seen other parents miss the opportunity when there was an acceptable risk. Cheryl – Lindsey drinking. vs. If you get hit by a car, I guess you’ll learn to not run in the road.
Reminders: Powerful statement, “You aren’t capable of remembering and I don’t think you are strong enough to handle a setback.” Not studying in the elementary, refusing to eat, not cleaning up toys, etc.
You will be amazed at what this does to your relationship with your child. Think of a neighbor lecturing you on getting reprimanded at work – mortgage on house.
Rather than “Hurry UP!” Try, “Would you rather dress quickly now, or change in the car? You decide.” Acting like you control something you don‘t, will make you lose footing with your child.
1 hr overview
Love and LogicLove and LogicKelley PeelKelley Peel
L & L vs. FrustrationL & L vs. Frustration► Connecting kidConnecting kidbehavior tobehavior toconsequenceconsequence► Empathy allowsEmpathy allowsconsequence to do theconsequence to do theteaching.teaching.► Focus is on badFocus is on baddecisiondecision► SeparatingSeparatingconsequence andconsequence andbehavior with eitherbehavior with eitherwarnings, secondwarnings, secondchances, or a lot ofchances, or a lot ofanger.anger.► Anger shifts focus fromAnger shifts focus frombehavior to parentbehavior to parent
Four Steps to ResponsibilityFour Steps to Responsibility1.1. Give child a task he/she can handle.Give child a task he/she can handle.2.2. Hope the child “blows” it.Hope the child “blows” it.3.3. Let equal parts of empathy andLet equal parts of empathy andconsequence do the teaching.consequence do the teaching.4.4. Give the same task again.Give the same task again.
Give Task Child can HandleGive Task Child can Handle►Builds responsibilityBuilds responsibility►Prepares children for the real worldPrepares children for the real world►Develops self-conceptDevelops self-concept
Hope that the Child “Blows” it…Hope that the Child “Blows” it…►…….so the child has a learning experience.so the child has a learning experiencewhen the price is small.when the price is small.
Let = Parts of Empathy &Let = Parts of Empathy &Consequences do the TeachingConsequences do the Teaching►Empathy allows learning, rather than focusEmpathy allows learning, rather than focuson adult angeron adult anger►Empathy builds relationshipEmpathy builds relationship►Empathy stimulates thinkingEmpathy stimulates thinking►Consequences allow children to “own”Consequences allow children to “own”problemproblem►Consequences are Real WorldConsequences are Real World
Anger:Anger:► Child looks at adult,Child looks at adult,instead of decisioninstead of decisionEmpathy &Empathy &Consequence:Consequence:► Child looks at his/herChild looks at his/herlife and his/herlife and his/herdecisionsdecisions
One-Liners said with CompassionOne-Liners said with Compassion►““Probably so.”Probably so.”►““I know.”I know.”►““Nice Try.”Nice Try.”►““I’ll love you wherever you live.”I’ll love you wherever you live.”►““I bet it feels that way.”I bet it feels that way.”►““What do you think you’re going to do?What do you think you’re going to do?
One-Liners ContinuedOne-Liners Continued►““I don’t know. What do you think?”I don’t know. What do you think?”►““Bummer. How sad.”Bummer. How sad.”►““Thanks for sharing.”Thanks for sharing.”►““That’s an option.”That’s an option.”►““I bet that is true.”I bet that is true.”►““I love you too much to argue.”I love you too much to argue.”
2 Guarantees Every Day2 Guarantees Every DayWe either get ourselves into a mess orWe either get ourselves into a mess orsomeone else dumps a mess into our lives.someone else dumps a mess into our lives.We need our kids to be solid in eitherWe need our kids to be solid in eithersituation.situation.
►Message: “You’re smart and I know you canMessage: “You’re smart and I know you canlearn from your mistakes.”learn from your mistakes.”►Communicates TRUST.Communicates TRUST.►Says: “YOU ARE CAPABLE.”Says: “YOU ARE CAPABLE.”
The Science of ControlThe Science of ControlWhen we share control,When we share control,we get our share.we get our share.When we hoard the control,When we hoard the control,we soon lose it all.we soon lose it all.
We either give controlWe either give controlor the other personor the other persontakes it!takes it!
The Art of ControlThe Art of ControlI will always provide two alternatives, eitherI will always provide two alternatives, eitherof which will make me deliriously happy!of which will make me deliriously happy!
Magic PhrasesMagic Phrasesfor Stating Choicesfor Stating Choices►What would be best for you…What would be best for you…►Would you rather….Would you rather….►Feel Free to…Feel Free to…►You can either…..You can either…..
Consultant parents take good care ofConsultant parents take good care ofthemselves in front of the kids…themselves in front of the kids…► They never tell a kid what to do.They never tell a kid what to do.► They get better results by saying whatThey get better results by saying what they’rethey’regoing to do.going to do.► They offer choices and alternatives instead ofThey offer choices and alternatives instead oforders.orders.► When confronted with a problem, consultantWhen confronted with a problem, consultantparents use meaningful actions andparents use meaningful actions and fewfew words.words.They wrap consequences in a loving blanket ofThey wrap consequences in a loving blanket ofempathy.empathy.
Strategic Training Session: I willStrategic Training Session: I willconduct the training session whenconduct the training session when►Time: I have the time.Time: I have the time.►Energy: I have the EnergyEnergy: I have the Energy►Support: I have someone to support mySupport: I have someone to support myactions.actions.►Rehearsal: I have rehearsed & can’t wait toRehearsal: I have rehearsed & can’t wait topractice my new technique.practice my new technique.
As soon as the child is ableAs soon as the child is ableto suffer the consequences,to suffer the consequences,he/she can make thehe/she can make thedecisions.decisions.
How to Destroy the Teaching ValueHow to Destroy the Teaching Valueof a Logical Consequenceof a Logical Consequence► Say, “This will teach you a good lesson.”Say, “This will teach you a good lesson.”► Anger or disgustAnger or disgust► Explain the value of the consequenceExplain the value of the consequence► Moralize or threatenMoralize or threaten► Talk to muchTalk to much► Feel sorry and “give in.”Feel sorry and “give in.”► Contrive a consequence for the purpose ofContrive a consequence for the purpose of“getting even.”“getting even.”