How to sustain your marriage during conflicts

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All marriages have conflicts. How you handle the conflicts makes the difference `in the survival of marriage.

Go for what we call a WIN/WIN ATTITUDE in your marriage conflict. Both of you are winners.

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How to sustain your marriage during conflicts

  1. 1. 1 HOW TO SUSTAIN YOUR MARRIAGE DURING CONFLICTS All marriages have conflicts. How you handle the conflicts makes the difference in the survival of marriage. Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  2. 2. 2 Ephesians 4:15  “God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love--like Christ in everything. W take our lead e from Christ, who is the source of everything we do”. (MSG)  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  3. 3. 3 Ephesians 4:25  “W hat this adds up to, then, is this: no m lies, no m pretence. Tell your ore ore neighbour the truth. In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all. W hen you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.” (MSG)  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  4. 4. 4 Ephesians 4:29  “W atch the way you talk. L nothing et foul or dirty com out of your m e outh. S only what helps, each word a ay gift”. (MSG)  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  5. 5. 5 The goal of marriage is not to think alike but to think together.  Most marriages are destroyed by people not working out their marriages together but working out in different ways.  The way we speak is so crucial to the survival of our marriages.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  6. 6. 6 I. All marriages have conflicts.  A. Your goal should not be to do away with conflicts but to be careful to work on the problem and not the person.  B. Try to look at conflicts as the door to INTIMACY.  Tackle the problem and not the person.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  7. 7. 7 II. The proper way to win a conflict in marriage is to be able to attack the PROBLEM and not the PERSON.  Most times we attack each other thus fueling the conflict more as we all have defensive mechanisms.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  8. 8. Sustaining Your Marriage 8 Here are several things to consider which could help you successfully sustain your marriage with your companion in the right way.  1. You must understand the difference between a PROBLEM and a FACT OF LIFE.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  9. 9. 9 A problem is something I can do something about.  A fact of life is something I can do nothing about.  Sometimes we attack a spouse on certain issues in life which are facts and he/ can’t do anything about she them.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  10. 10. 10 2. You must be SPECIFIC concerning the issue at hand.  If you are not specific you will become HISTORICAL.  It is kind of like the fellow who went to the marriage counselor with his wife and said, “Every time my wife and I argue, she becomes HISTORICAL.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  11. 11. 11 The marriage counselor said, “I think you mean hysterical.”  “No, I mean HISTORICAL. W hen we argue she tells me everything I have ever done wrong.”  Don’t keep a record of the past failures.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  12. 12. 12 3. You must never COMPARE.  Never compare your mate with someone else’s mate. “W can’t you hy be like Stanley’s wife?” That is really bad  W are all unique personalities. e  Again never compare.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  13. 13. 13 4. You must not EMOTIONALLY block communication.  Here are four communication stoppers.  a. SCREAMERS - Someone who yells during an argument.  b. STREAMERS - Someone who cries during an argument.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  14. 14. 14 c. STEAMERS - Someone who pouts during an argument.  d. SCHEMERS- Someone who manipulates during an argument.  The above can block the smooth flow of any conflict discussions.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  15. 15. 15 5. You must never CONDEMN.  Do not use words like you should, you must, you ought, it’s all your fault.  In an argument, if you start with you, it is probably a bad start.  Don’t use an accusing word but be more neutral by saying, it seems to me like.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  16. 16. 16 6. You must always AVOID LABELS.  W henever you label a mate negatively it is always destructive. W hat are some very bad labels?  Did you hear about the husband that asked his wife how could someone so beautiful be so stupid? She said, “God made me beautiful so you would marry me and made me stupid  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  17. 17. 17 7. You should AVOID ABSOLUTES.  You should “never” use words like never or always.  Example:  You never take do anything useful to my family.  You are never in the home for the kids.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  18. 18. 18 8. You must never COMMAND.  Do not try to end an argument by force. Treat your mate like an adult.  Both of you can think independently and come out with an amicable solution to the conflict.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  19. 19. 19 9. You must agree on the TIMING of the argument.  You should delay an argument:  a. W hen other PEOPLE are around.  b. Before an important MEETING.  c. If there is too much ANGER.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  20. 20. 20 10. You must never CHALLENGE.  Do not threaten your mate if things are not working.  There are basically three common words or ways people are threatened in a marriage:  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  21. 21. 21 a. By money - I will spend it all or not give you any.  b. By sex.  c. By divorce or separation.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  22. 22. 22 11. You must clear the air as soon as POSSIBLE.  Delaying solving the conflict will then bring historical issues back and front.  There will be much hurt.  Handle matters that affect your marriage as soon as possible.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  23. 23. 23     12. You must never CONDESCEND. Do not belittle or ridicule your mate. Do not play psychologist. Don’t tell your mate why you know what their problem is. Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  24. 24. 24 13. You must not OVER REACT to the conflict.  W hy drop a bomb about a very small matter? W hen people complicate small matters, the same become very big matters and can cause far fetching reactions or results.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  25. 25. 25    14. You must position things in life POSITIVELY. W hen you handle yourself use your HEAD. W hen you handle others use your HEART. Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  26. 26. 26 15. You must never CONTRADICT. W your turn in the discussion. ait  Do not interrupt.  Give each other enough time to empty themselves without any interruptions.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  27. 27. 27 16. You must not try to analyze your mate’s MOTIVES.  Motives are very subjective; criticize the action and not the person.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  28. 28. 28 17. You must never CONFUSE.  Do not bring in an unrelated subject or an issue.  Too often when we are losing we bring in an unrelated subject.  W try to pull things out of the past e to help win in the present.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  29. 29. 29 18. You must love your spouse more than your OPINION.  Some issues really do not matter.  If a man loves his opinion better than his spouse, then he will defend his opinions and lose the relationship with his wife.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  30. 30. 30 19. You should follow the 101% principle.  Find the 1% you agree on and give it 100% of your effort.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  31. 31. 31 20. You must show that you UNDERSTAND the other person’s position.  Repeat or rephrase the other person’s position.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  32. 32. 32 21. You must ENCOURAGE a response.  Questions like : W hat do you think we can do about this issue?  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  33. 33. 33 22. You must be committed to HONESTY and mutual RESPECT.  Honesty will allow the relationship to GROW .  Respect will allow the relationship to LAST.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  34. 34. 34 23. You must check your own ATTITUDE.  It is not what happens to me but what happens in me that counts. (John Maxwell)  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  35. 35. 35 24. You must provide an ESCAPE HATCH for your spouse.  Don’t push him/ her to the corner  Follow the golden rule... “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  36. 36. 36 25. You must ADMIT IT when you are wrong.  Say, “I AM SORRY”.  STOP THE FIGHT BEFORE IT GETS GOING.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  37. 37. 37 26. You must CLEAN UP THE MESS.  This calls for listening, kindness, and forgiveness. You should never withhold your love from your spouse.  Bury the past.  Forgiveness is key here. Amen and Amen  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  38. 38. 38 27. You must welcome each CONFLICT and make it a GROW ING process in your life. W hat lessons have both of you learnt from these conflicts?  Conflicts then become stepping stones to sustaining your marriage.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
  39. 39. CONCLUSION 39 Don’t seek to win a conflict against your companion as this can result in a failed relationship.  W inning a conflict by overcoming a problem can result in a strengthened relationship.  Go for what we call a W IN/ IN W ATTITUDE in your marriage conflict. Both of you are winners.  Wednesday, February 5, 2014
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